I Miss Him So...

[melissaf]

Wow..reading all your posts about christmas made me smile...Im afraid I dont seem to be able to get in to the christmas spirit...I want to just sleep through it but I carnt I have to try and make it special for my kids,the first one with out Darren is gunna be so so strange....I haven't even put the decorations and tree up yet,but decided after reading the posts here...ok..I am going to do it tonight..yes it will be strange and we will miss Darren so very much he loved christmas and was more into it than the kids!.lol...so we will put the tree up this evening and make sure we have wonderful time doing so..we will get into the spirit of things,and stop being a morbid woman and so misrable!...thankyou all for giveing me a much needed kick up the bum!..lol...hugs Melissa xxx

[justamom]

Hi girls, I just wanted to weigh in real quickly. I too feel like kicking and punching peoples decorations! And that music is everwhere I go! I have promished my boys that I will get the decorations out this weekend. I can not pretend that Christams isn't happening. That is what my therapist said anyway.

Angel, your post really does help, it gives me hope for the future and the possibility of a new relationship is very comforting. I am still scared to move on but I just keep thinking that I am here for a reason and I have to live my life and I can't imagine being alone for the rest of it.

Becky, I refused to do outside lights this year also. I knew that no matter what I did it wouldn't come close to Steve's decorations every other year. i will get a few things up in the house and call it good.

Michelle, So glad that verything came back good. Nice feeling of relief huh. Now you can just focus on getting through this lovely holiday season!

MaryJo - Go with the watermelon idea. I think that will make a tremendous impression of the neighbors it will give them something to talk about for years to come! I hope that I am like you and get to have a second chance at marriage. I loved getting married and being married. Do you get as many gifts the 2nd time around?

I am off to clean toilets - the family begins arriving tomorrow! Could Christams be any more irritating this year. I swear I never understood why people hated it and now I totally get it. Sadly I am sure that I was one of the excessivly, happy irritating people that I now want to hurt at least I have learned my lesson. Talk to you girls soon. Take care, Lisa

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[airymoon]

ok ladies i still like the idea fo kicking the decorations, especially the lighted deer and santa.

Angel --Yes yes yes your post made perfect sense. I miss kurt so much and i tried to ignore christmas. His sis called and wanted to know why i hadn't given his family a list for the kids yet i told her it was really hard for us to get it together this year and she said i know it is going to be hard for all of us you know but we are going to have to just get through it.p'd me off bad. She is already through it and how does she know what it is like for his kids? I know it has only been 6 months for me and i am no where near ready for a new person in my life but i do have to say that i am also tired of measuring time by how long since kurt died and i am sick of being sad and mad and uuugggggghhhh. I want to be happy again i don't like these bad feelings that i cant ignore or control or make go away when i want to. I just know that it feels good to laugh and i don't hate my life as much as i did last week. One of the things that kurt liked about me was that i made him laugh and i laughed easily when he teased me. I am going to try to make it back there.When i am really missing him i look at pics or watch videos but if it is something i can get through without doing that i try. I haven't been writing to him so much because i need to be more independant of him. Doesn't mean i'm forgetting him or that idon't want him here 'cause i do. Just means that i am trying to stand on my own. I need to get comfortable in my life as it is if i am going to do more than survive. If i want to live it again and i owe it to my kids to do that and to any grandkids i might have.

Michele-- Yeah it seemed pretty funny too. It seems like i became 14 again in everybody's eyes after kurt died. All I heard was "you can't do that, Don't yuou want help for that" even if it was stuff i did before. I felt like i should be walking around with my finger up my nose saying, how do i do that? or just sitting there with it in my nose to see if anyone would say to stop.

Ok have a great weekend and stay tuff

Becky

[missingcurtis]

Is it the 15th yet? I just want this day to be over and done.

The 14th was the one year anniversary date of when Curtis died. Yes, I can say it and I do more often.

I went to the cemetery and spent some quiet time. I talked with a lot of different people/family/friends on the phone through out the day and did a few things for myself.

I did and can survive but I am still wondering what year two will bring?

Becky, I can totally relate to you about how differently people treat you. I took care of our check book when Curtis was alive. I paid the bills, bought the groceries, cooked and cleaned. Made sure we had things on hand and was his 24/7 caregiver when he was sick. But when he died, no thought I could do anything on my own or make any decisions.

I did find it hard to do but I think that was due to the shock of him dying and leaving me before we were both ready. We knew he had lung cancer and was being treated for it. But no one expected his last day to be that day!

He had just had 4 units of blood and some platelets on Sunday. He drove us home on Monday night. Rested on Tuesday, came down with pnemonia Tuesday night and died Wednesday. Talk about shock. It still shocks me at times. I know it is nothing compared to what may have happened to a lot of the other husbands or your loved ones but it was still a shock to me.

I have accepted it now and I am trying to move on. I have pretty much straightened out the problems his friend and I had. We are on pretty good terms and he was wonderful this week. He called me every day to check on me and even if we don't talk for another week, I still cherish the thought he took time to call.

I even called his older sister tonight. I wanted to do something for his parents graves since I have moved. We had talked about putting some small vases out there and have them attached to the headstone. So I am going to make a check out and let her go get them and see about getting them set. Maybe by me making the first move, they will keep in touch with me.

I do pray that each one of you make it through December. I am really trying to and we are almost half way there.

Debbie..........Missing Curtis.........

[shakira1975]

Okay, last night i thought my heart was going to rip right inside me. i don’t know how to say this to you all without sounding like such a looser but I CANNOT COPE. i deceive myself by making myself believe that im okay and yet deep down in my heart im not. i felt like dying last night and i had successfully put those thoughts out of my head for a while now. i cant put a finger to what brought it on really. i have a huge work project that i have had on my plate for a while and tonight is the night and he will not be there with me. And yet he is supposed to be.

Then i keep asking myself why my life has just changed so much and lost all purpose. He could have been here and i would have been spared the entire heart ache i am going through. I went to spend the night at a friend because i thought i would feel better. But in the morning, we had a chat with the mom as well and i got the usual you will be fine, try get out more, and stop feeling sorry for yourself speech. i just cried and didn’t have the strength to speak out. Then they asked what im doing on Christmas day and i said i want to go to his grave and see him. Then they told me that was not a plan and i should not do it. im now so confused because i think i would like to do it. i have no plans to be celebrating elsewhere because its not the time for me.

I also hate the whole thing with his sisters and other family members that we are having a strained relationship. Its all adding to my stress. And never mind the fact that the one person I loved most in my life is NOT HERE. Like I said, I really don’t want this life anymore. No one can make believe at this point that there is more out there. Or that I will be fine soon. I know what I am going through will be a really for a long time now. I just don’t know what to do. I know I am supposed to hang on but I am feeling off right now. Really. I have people around me, but I feel like im all alone. I want to scream because I have so much anger inside me right now. I have gone on this whole week because I have had work and that much dreaded wedding. But I cant hide in my shell anymore.

A friend called me this morning. He only just heard and he rang to pass his condolences. That didn’t help.

I have really tried to separate issues and not make this about people. Its my grief that’s eating me up right now and I cant handle it. My heart has that pain I had the week he died and I feel I have regressed.

is this self pity and am i doing this to myself? i feel like i cant help even the way im feeling inside. it hurts so much. i have tried to think of what i can do for myself to feel better. im trying so hard. and at the same time, i know nothing will make me feel better. Situations i have been in before also make me feel like my scenario is worse than normal, like how i lost both my parents. so yes, i dot believe that i am not meant to be happy. i also feel really bad because i have not been able to pray. i literally don’t talk to God unless i am asking Him the meaning of all this. i had started believing in feeling better and in the one day when i would be fine but its all so gloomy now.

i also keep being told that if im not happy then his should will not rest because he sees me unhappy and that puts me under pressure and try and be okay for hi

[missingcurtis]

Shakira1975, do what you want on Christmas day.

Last year, my husband passed away, just before Christmas. It was my first Christmas alone for 36 years.

That morning I took sunflower seeds out to the cemetery and spread them out over his grave and around it. He loved to feed the squirrels and birds when he was living. We had 3 squirrel feeders and 4 bird feeders in our back yard.

So I took the seeds out and went out and stayed at the cemmetery for about an hour. I went back home and and then in the evening I went to his older sisters house for Christmas.

So go to the cemetery and then don't be totally alone.

Debbie...............Missing Curtis

[kristiej]

I just found this place yesterday and already I can tell many of you feel the same way I do. I’m dreading the holidays. My husband Ron died in August and I’ve already gone through many of the hard days. But his birthday is/was – I don’t even how to say it – on Tuesday, Dec. 19th. He would have been 53. I always almost used to resent his birthday being so close to Christmas. I had to buy him gifts for both and he never was one to give me much of a hint as to what he wanted. Trying to find gifts for one was bad enough – but two was almost impossible. Me – I was always easy. He used to buy me jewelry every year – not expensive stuff and sometimes stuff I didn’t really like, but I did love it because I knew how hard it was for him to go into a jewelry store. I pass jewelry stores in the malls now and I almost want to howl in pain. He’s not there to get it for me anymore. And he loved sports so I would always get him something from his favourite team. Now I see that kind of thing in the stores and think I should get that for Ron – he’d love it. The I realize he’s gone and the pain comes in waves.

People looking at me from the outside would think I’m doing fine – but on the inside I’m not. So I know how you feel Shakira 1975. Like you – the person I loved the most is gone and it hurts sooooo much.

[aprilmoonflower]

shakira- don't let anyone tell you to feel a certain way. it is ok to feel the way you do. we all have been there (and will be there many many more times on this journey). our society is so bent of "fixing" it. I personally don't think there's a sure way to "fix" grief. it's something you learn to live with. you need to allow yourself to feel the way you feel so you can move forawrd. don't ignore the way you feel because it's easier for your friends and family! the worst thing is everyone is going to give you advice on how they think you should grieve and "fix" things, wether you want it or not! if you want to go to the cemtary on xmas, GO! don't let anyone tell you what you "should" be doing and feeling.

kristiej-welcome. I am sorry about your DH. bdays are tough but I understand! I think sometimes the anticipation and dread of it, is worse than the actual day itself. surround yourself with those you love. I hope you find a little peace.

[mishknit]

god...

so much pain here....i know how you all feel, i am angry too, so pissed off that my christmas is being ruined by the fact that tom isn't here..it sounds like he did it on purpose, and of course, he didn't. but sometimes i just feel irrational like that.

shakira....it is so awful when people tell us to get it together....i just calmly ask them to think about what they might do if the situation was reversed, that usually shuts them up pretty quick. You need to do what feels right to you....I have been invited so many places..there is not one free night. and that is good and bad, because i can't possibly do it all, nor do i want to. I am trying to pick and choose, and yet leave my options open. i tell everyone i plan on being there, but don't hate me if i don't show up. my son has veto power too, so,. between the two of us we'll figure it out. My family is coming here for christmas eve lunch...a perfcet solution..so i know i'l show up for that!

I think i will have an easier time with the christmas festivities than with new years...beginning a year without tom, without our plans and dreams...i don't know how i'll handle that one.

one day at a time, as usual.

debbie....i knew your year wasyesterday, and i didn't come and say anything..i am so sorry. there are no excuses, but i did think of you, and hope you felt support from many people. And i hiope noon told you that now it will get easier...i swear i will slap the first person who says that to me next month!

anyway, take care all...this time of year is so sad and crazy for all of us, i keep you all tucked into my thoughts and prayers.

michele

[rodless]

Michele - the clues gave it away. He's not one of the mainstream authors I'm familiar with, but I do know of his work. I looked him up on the Internet, and my goodness.... you must have had an interesting evening!! Mary Jo

[mishknit]

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLO!!!!!

Yes Mary Jo...very interesting! he is fascinating, and smart and we had a great, and weird conversation.but, you can see why i don't really think he's my type.....

I haven't read any of his stuff either...too dark for me, not my cup of tea

BUT...he asked...there's hope for me yet! LOL!

michele

[armaiti]

I am new here, but wanted to reply, especially to Shakira.

Anything you need to do to take care of yourself is the right thing, no matter what anyone else tells you!

My beloved partner of ten and half years, Ishaq, died suddently on July 28. He was almost 56. He was a diabetic since he was nine years old, and his heart just stopped. He was on a rafting trip with friends from work, and he was laughing and playing in the water when it happened. He literally died laughing.

Because of the way he passed, I have had some comfort, as he was most likely going to have kidney failure next year. So I know he didn 't suffer, as he would have if he 'd died from failed kidneys. But that doesn 't make my own grief any easier to bear. He was my best friend, lover, teacher, musical partner - we both played in a local band that plays Middle Eastern inspired music for belly dancers. I had never known anyone like him, and know he was my true soulmate.

Our spiritual background is a spiritual/mystical one (I follow a Sufi path, and Ishaq was a teacher on this path for almost 35 years), and my guide/teacher on this path told me early on that for one full walk around the sun, make as few changes as possible and do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself . Sometimes this means I just stay home and watch DVDs, or that I turn down going to friends parties and gatherings at the last minute. Luckily, my friends are really understanding of this, and no one expects me to perform. Ishaqs family are also all deeply spiritual people (his dad and grandpa were both ministers) and they pretty much adopted me into the family.

I still have Ishaqs clothes in his closet, his jacket on the back of his chair at the dining room table. Sometimes I pass one of this shirts, or something of his on to one of his friends or students, or his kids. At first I felt wierd about that, wondering if people would think I had some sort of problem, but everyone has been very accepting. I have an ancestor altar with his pictures on it Im also a artist/photographer, so I am fortunate to have taken lots of pictures of him); I change it for the season. Right now it has candles and a poinsetta, and the Christmas creche he had for years.

It still seems really unreal at times, like he is going to just walk in the door at any moment. He worked for the Red Cross, so he was gone on trips often, and it just seems sometimes like he is on some sort of extended trip. I guess on some level he is. Other times I get hit with a weight so heavy that I don't know if I can stand it. We live by this beautiful river, and I have thought sometimes how I could just float away on that river and be with him. Not that I'm going to do that - my mother committed suicide when I was 28, and I know it's not a path that I would take. But there are times when I feel so little attachment to this physical form, this life, that it scares me.

So Shakira, don't feel you have to tell yourself that you are ALL RIGHT. Because you're not. None of us is. We have lost our loves, the ones we went to bed with and woke up with, the ones who brought us soup when we were sick and made us laugh when we were sad. We all have the right to feel whatever we need to feel and no friend or family member has the right to tell us otherwise. I guess I have a reputation as an "uppity woman " anyway, but if anyone tells me that "I will be fine soon" and probably tell them where to put that thoght in no uncertain terms.

Be with your beloved at his grave on Christmas, for as long as you want. Don 't let his family keep you from doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

One other thing that has helped me a lot. I set up a website for Ishaq, with pictures and remembrances of him from myself and his friends. (it is at

home.earthlink.net/~ishaqjud if any of you would like to see it) I even uploaded some old taped Christmas songs he recorded one year. Keeping his memory alive for friends and family has helped me a lot. But I still miss him every minute of every day. And I don 't think that will ever change.

All of you, take care of yourselves,

Peace and Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[mishknit]

Anna....

welcome, and thank you for your words. You will see here that since we all read these posts, that sometimes the person you're writing too is not necessarily the person you will affect the most.

I am so sorry for your loss, and so glad you posted. I have done essentially the same thing...and am as lucky in you with friends who understand if i just can't show up. And i heard the same thing..no changes for a year..but it sounds so much lovelier as "one full walk around the sun". I am not Sufi...but have been interested in it, well, in many paths for a long time. I was teased mercilessly by my husband for my devotion to Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.....but then he liked oldies and show tunes..so there you go!

The ancestor alter....I have something similar, but didn't know what to call it..was calling it my "Tom" shrine....I even put a little shrine on our christmas tree....all of his favorite decorations in one place..telling a kind of story about who he was.

Anyway...I just wanted to connect, and say hello, and how sorry I am for your loss. Tom made music too..an amazing singer, and i'm actually listening to him from an old tape i found that i'm making into cds for christams gifts.....i am so lucky to have that of him. And he was an actor/writer...comedian....i wish he had died laughing..but he died knowing he was loved, that's something.

Thank you,

peace, michele

[rodless]

Anna, what a beautiful message. Being a Leo with most of the accompanying personality quirks, the sun is a positive symbol for me. I will start thinking of this year as being "one full walk around the sun." I am so sorry for your loss. All of us here know how the pain feels and understand how deep it goes. Mary Jo

[airymoon]

Debbie--I don't kow whether to congratulate you an making it through the day or say im sorry for what you are going through. OK ill just say this im glad you made it to the 15th. It is not hard for me to say kurt died or talk about it. I think maybe i have put it in my mind like a movie or a fact that i am just repeating. I thik i have left emotion out of it when i talk about it. There are only a few people that i cannot talk aboutit without crying and those are my three best friends.i thik you were right in taking the first step. Keep the channels open and then the rest is up to them. At least you tried.I'm glad you and your friend have worked things out.

Shakira-- I read your post and i feel like i am reading one i wrote myself. I can't tell you how long you will feel the way you are feeling but i can tell you that i have felt that exact same way. I could deal with the pain and sadness because i knew that was how you were supposed to feel but nobody told me about the anger. I was so angry with God that i couldn't handle it.i hated him and i could not talk to him for almost 5 months. I did pray for him to understand that i hated him and then i asked kurt to give me help and strength in asking God back in my life. I was and sometimes still am angry at everyone, older couples because i would never get to grow old with him, younger couples because they were just starting out and so full of hope, and every body in between. I would walk past someone and think "why are you here, He isn't and your just wasting space." I didn't even know these people I just knew they were here and he wasn't. The anger wasn't rational and that is ok. I wish there was a magic pill or something but there isn't. You just have to go throught the pain and feel what you are feeling. There are no wrong emotions in this process. Part of the healing is to feel the hurt first otherwise we won't know when it has gotten better. Igf you want to go to his grave then go.How dare someone tell you what is or isn't a good idea for you. They do not know what you need only you know that nad im betting that half the time even you don't know. I think this process is really a trial and error thing you just have to be careful about taking the wrong kind or chances. Stay strong and do what you need to do to get through this. If you need to tell people that htey are wrong about what you need then tell them. Tell them how you feel don't keep it inside.

Kristiej-Welcome to our board. I am sorry for your loss but this is a good place to be. i know what you mean about him not being there for the little things. It's those little things that hold the most pain. keep talking here and you will find support and strngth.

Anna welcome to you too. Your post was very inspiring and beautiful.Thank you for that.

Ok ihave aconfession to make and i hope i don't upset anyone. Our friend asked me one time waht we talk bout on this board and i tried to tell him but i couldn't really make it clear. We talk about the pain and our loved ones and there death but so much more than that. I finally gave up and cut and pasted some things from the baord. Nothing too personal and no names or even screen names. Mostly it was about kicking the decorations and then some of the inspiring things. Isent it to him as an email and within seconds he sent back an answer. He wanted to kow if i sent him the right stuff because what he read sounded like an email i would have gotten from some old and dear friends. he said it seemed like we had all been close for years and you could tell there was a special bond between us. I assured him it was the right stuff and all he said was wow that is a group wf amazing women you have connected with. hard to believe non of you have ever met." I have been thinking about his reply and he is right. We are amazing even if we don't feel it. I feel truly blessed that i have found all of you on this board and i am stronger because of you all. So thank you for being here and for posting and for just being who you are.

Love and strenght to all of you,

Becky

[rodless]

Here I am in the middle of the night scooting around on the net because I can't settle down and sleep.... even after a very stiff drink. Arggggghh! I can't believe how this grief thing goes up and down. Too many happy Christmas letters from people who don't know what happened to me this summer I guess. Maybe I'll stuff them in a drawer or better yet toss them. AND we had our holiday open house at work today.... Arggggghh! Wake me up in January. Mary Jo

[mishknit]

i'm up too mary jo...

can't sleep, son is at an overnight..

and, guess what, i'm a leo too......a walk around the sun is a beautiful idea for us!

I got a letter from an old friend of tom's today. We always made a xmas cd....tradition. My son and i attempted to do it this year ourselves..actually,it turned out beautifully, and since i can't sleep i may try and post the music...BUT...i sent it to his old list, for this last time..and i got a response from one friend who didn;'t know...i guess i forgot to contact him? i feel so bad. i don't know the guy..he is an old friend of tom's, but, i feel so bad about it.

anyway..i'm up to, and have plenty of wine, but no sleep.

michele

[rodless]

Debbie, I know a year isn't a healing mark but you have come a long way since I first read your posts. It's amazing what we can all do when we have to. Some days I feel really strong and positive and then there's the rest of the time. It is encouraging to listen to others.

Shakira, do what feels right to you on Christmas, but don't totally isolate yourself. I think sometimes being around people for at least a short time is a good thing - gives your mind a break. You'll know how long you can stand it.

Michele, you're two hours behind me. I think I'm finally wearing down. Keep your glass full! Mary Jo

[egrayl]

I have been reading this post for several months now and wanted to introduce myself. My dear husband died Aug 7, 2006 from cancer, just 11 weeks after diagnosis. We were both 51. We have 2 boys, 7 and 8.

Having been through a horrific year before losing my husband (losing our young nephew), what I have learned is that there are no rules to grieving. Getting all the help we need has been important, as is seeking out supportive family and friends. As we are at the 4 month mark, I find that people are starting their mini-lectures to me on what I should and shouldn't do.

I realize that no one can tell me what will work for me. This is pure hell at times, but I do try to keep functioning in between the extra difficult times.

My heart goes out to all of us and this journey that we are on. I know that I will always carry my husband in my heart and nothing can change that.

Eileen

[aprilmoonflower]

Debbie- I hope you got through the week ok. I have been thining of you!

Anna- what a beautiful site you have made in honor of your husband. I can tell from the pics what a warm and wonderful man he was.

Eileen- ypu are right. we will always carry our DH's in our heart. no one and nothing can take them away from us forever.

I have been feeling a bit "smug" in my grief latley. and almost thankful in a way. though I would give anything to have DH here I feel kind of lucky I will not have to spend decades of my life with him only to lose him. I think mourning him now would be easier if we had lived our lives for many more years together. and I also think it's better for our children, though they will never have any memories of him. i feel really sorry for all my married freinds in a way. I know it's so twisted, but how I feel at the moment!

[armaiti]

Thank you all for your welcoming words. It really helps to know there are some women I can talk to who understand what I’m going through. I have friends who have lost a parent or a sibling who tell me “I know just what you are going through” and it makes me crazy because they can’t possibly understand it’s NOT the same. They lost someone close, but they still have their partners there to comfort them, and share with them. I've been doing pretty good the last couple of days, but today was such a beautiful sunny day here - one of few in Oregon winters - and I was thinking of how Ishaq loved this time of year and Christmas and all and I kind of lost it for a while. The grief comes in "sneaker waves" and blindsides me when I least expect it.

Michelle and Mary Jo – Ishaq was a Leo too! So the sun image was a big one for him. And he just loved summer and being out in the wild woods of Oregon. And Michelle, don’t feel bad if you can’t reach every person Tom knew. I am still running into people that don’t know Ishaq passed away last year, and it is so hard to retell the story each time.

Aprilmoonflower – I don’t think what you feel is twisted…I had dinner last night with a close friend whose husband left her the day after Thanksgiving. And I’ve thought that somehow it was easier to deal with the death of a partner rather than having them leave you for another woman. I know that may sound strange, too, but Ishaq loves me still, I can feel his love when I’m really sad, like a blanket. He never stopped loving me, he just stopped living in a body.

Eileen – you and I lost our partners at very near the same time. I’m 51 too. We didn’t have kids together – he has three kids in their twenties from his previous marriage. Not too many people have started telling me what I should do yet, but I’ve tended to avoid a lot of gatherings outside our spiritual circle. And I carry Ishaq in my heart as well. There’s hardly a minute goes by each day that I’m not thinking of him, or talking to him (though I’m careful not to do it out loud in public!) I don’t talk about this much, as I guess I’m afraid some people might think it’s weird, or that I’m in denial, but it just feels comfortable. I feel like he can still hear me when I talk to him, that he’s watching over me. Hope you all don’t think I’m nuts.

The one thing that really annoys me is when people tell me “you’ll find somebody again someday” because, honestly, for me, I feel I’m done. I don’t think anyone could compare to Ishaq and I actually don’t feel scared or depressed to think that I won’t be with another person. I actually Googled Yoko Ono when I was thinking about this and saw she never remarried. I think for some of us, we can go on being devoted to our partner even when they’ve passed. (Ishaq was just nuts for John Lennon and the Beatles music). I think it’s great that some women I know have found love again with someone new, but I wish some friends would quit telling me that it’s going to be that way for me!

I’m flying back to Pennsylvania to be with Ishaq’s family for Christmas – his whole family and I are really close. It will be good, and it will be hard. His dad is in his eighties and has “been preparing to die” as he has said to us, for years – I always told Ishaq his dad would probably live to be 120. So having his son die before him as been a huge thing in his life to deal with. Ishaq’s sisters will be there too and I’m really close to them. So it will be good to not be alone this first year.

Ok, this is getting really long and I haven’t replied to everyone I wanted to on this list, but I’ll catch up later…

Love to all of you,

Anna Armaiti

[rodless]

A beautiful weekend in Iowa - who would ever believe 50 on Dec. 16! I got a lot doneand was feeling good until I took the dog for a walk at the park and the memories starting bombarding me. That's why I usually take her to the cemetery - out there are no memories of ebing with Rod in a happy way.

Anna, I believe losing your partner to death is easier than losing to divorce. I have been through both. Knowing Rod loved me and would never have chosen to leave is a different pain than having my ex leave because he found someone else. Both are agony in their own way, but I find this easier to come to terms with. Just my opinion.

Everyone, have a good week. I have set a goal of going to bed by 11:00. This staying up halfway through the night doesn't work with the normal world's schedule... I have to get up for work. Ugh! Tomorrow is Monday.

Mary Jo

[mishknit]

Anna....

i also looked at your site for ishaq...lovely. he was a lovely man, and his spirit really shines thru.

i ran into someone else at church today (yeah..giving the church thing a try again....), and she didn't know until recently, but she's not much of a churchgoer either, so....but her son's go to the school i'm trying to get my son into, and she was so helpful to me. i'm thinking that was a serendipitous meeting.

had a hard day today..my son and I...he's 14, hormone and grief fueled, and i menopausal, hormone and grief fueled. So hard!!! we really get at each other sometimes, for the stupidest reasons, but we are always so sad....i hate fighting with him. and I feel so stupid. I'm the adult, i shouldn't get caught into it..yadda yadda....UGH! I left the house in a huff, and had nowhere to go! I've done that before with tom, and when i came back we'd laugh and laugh. Not this time. We're ok now, but christams and almost a year..not good. We actually almost took the tree down...we may still, neither of us like it. On the other hand, my family is all coming on christmas eve, and it would be good to have it up.

Whatever.

Everything seems to suck these days.....

BIG SIGH,

Michele

[darleneandhunter]

Hey Girls,

I haven't been here for a while. I have been insanely busy with making myself appear busy, just to get through some things here. I WAS scheduled for a cardiac catheter this morning, but when I got there, no one informed ME that it had been rescheduled for the 21st. I am SOOOO pissed off because I have to make arrangements for someone to get my son from school, stay overnight with him if need be, and someone to get me to and from this friggin thing. I call the Dr's office when I get home, and one of the nurses tell me that it had been rescheduled on friday, but no one bothered to call me. She appologized up and down, but it doesn't change the fact that I have to rearrange things all over again. I cannot get this procedure done on the 21st, just because the person who is supposed to take me has to work on thrusday, and there will be no one here to get my son from school. If I keep him home, he will miss out on two days of school, then the holiday vacation starts. This is rediculous. I told them to reschedule it for after the first of the year. Not that I don't want to take care of myself, its just the logistics of it all. If my son misses too much school, I will have the authorities breathing down my neck. I have family that can take him, but it means missing school because none of them live in town. Just more crap added to the stress I already have....

Mark's birthday is the 23rd. Christmas is two days later. I am so bloody broke it's rediculous. I have gifts for my son, but I have no other money. My son's survivor benefits are going up, but I won't see that until after the holidays. My bills are piling up. I paid some of them this month, but not all of them. I have shut off notices for my electric and gas. I am fortunate that in my state, they cannot shut off either one between the months of november 15th and march 15th. Hopefully, I can catch up with them by then.

I have section 8 housing, and I have an inspection coming up. I am struggling to get this place livable so that I don't lose my housing. My son's room is a disaster, and I have been working on it for days. My room is half way done. After 11 months, I finally picked up the clothes that Mark had worn the night before he died. Until the other day, they sat behind the bedroom door exactly as he left them. I put them in a plastic bag, socks and all, and put them in the closet. I spent hours painfully going through a bunch of little things that I knew when I got to them would hurt. My closet is still a bit of a disaster, but if they have a problem with that, oh well. My son and I got rid of 6 trash bags full of old broken toys, with much more to go. We were able to donate toys that were too young for him, but the rest had to go. Boxes and boxes of fast food toys that were everywhere. I have huge tote that have all the rest of his toys in. I made sure we kept all the important ones, like stuffies his father gave him and so on.

I kinda feel like life is closing in on me right now. I feel like everything needs to be done with a certain degree of urgency, like I am not going to be here much longer. I even made a video of my final wishes. I put it in a zipped file on disk, and I uploaded it to Youtube as a private video. I don't have the money for a legal will, but I am hoping that this video can get everyone to respect my final thoughts.

I am probably making a big to do out of nothing. I will probably sail through these moments. Mark's birthday, christmas, our anniversary, New Year's, the cardiac catheter, the one year anniversary of his death, the inspection, all of it. It's just a lot to have on a plate all at one time. I just want to know one thing. When am I gonna get that well deserved break everyone is telling me I need?

Sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I was looking for a pity party. I am not, really. I just needed to vent.

I do need to make something abundantly clear. NONE of us should worry about what other people think. I am only a few short weeks away from making one year without him. It STILL hurts like hell. I STILL cry every single day. You will "move on" in your own sweet time, not on anyone else's schedule, or when anyone else THINKS you should. Don't deny your emotions. Repressing them only drags things out longer than you would want them to. There is NO SET SCHEDULE. The next time someone tells you to get over it, tell THEM to walk in your shoes and see how fast THEY get over it. I was so mad the other day when someone said to me that I should be over it by now that I told them I wished their husband would die while he's in Iraq, just so she would know how I was feeling. I didn't really mean it that way, but everyone needs to stop telling ME how I should feel. Without being as crass as I was, you need to tell people that. They need to hear it from you. It keeps them grounded, even if its only a little.

Have the best holidays you all can, all things considered. Make the best of it!

[mishknit]

Darlene....

I wish i was there to help, to put my arms around you and give you a huge squeeze. i am so sorry for all your going thru, and wwith all the holidays and dates coming....I know you're tired and scared and frustrated, many of us know those feelings, tho perhaps not to the extent that you're living them right now. Hunter needs you....remember that. Sometimes my son is the only thing that keeps me going.....but he does. You are amazingly strong...all you've been through tells us, and you that. And, i know...i hate it when people say i'm strong, when they don't see me fall apart by myself..but, realistically.. i am strong during the times i need to be, and you are too,...you've proven that over and over, and i hope it's less of a pain to hear that coming from me, because i understand. and i also hope it's less of a pain hearing that you need to be there for your son....strong or not, just there.

hang in darlene..we need you here too..you are loving what we all are, and have so much wisdom to share with us.

love,

michele

[armaiti]

Dear Darlene,

Here's one little thing that I can do to help...after one of Ishaq's diabetic collapses, I went online and did some research, and I downloaded a standard Last Will and Testament Form, which I made him fill out and we had signed by three friends as witnesses. He and I lived together for 10 1/2 years, but were never married, so without this I would have had problems getting his pension, small though it was. This will stood up just fine with the lawyer and the state when I filed probate. The website I got it off of is http://www.ilrg.com/forms/

Just scroll down to the heading of "personal" and pick the appropriate description and then on the next page click the one for the appropriate state.

I used the one for Oregon, but they have them for all the other states as well. I'm assuming if the one for Oregon worked fine, the others should as well.

Just a small thing, but it might help a little, and it's free.

I am also so sorry for what you are going through. I'm so glad we have each other here on this forum to talk to who really understand.

Love and Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[rodless]

Darlene, I can't do much except include you in my thoughts and prayers. I feel so bad that you are going through all of this. Keep us posted on what's happening. Anna beat me to the will thing. It would be a good idea to follow her suggestion... give you some peace of mind. Thinking positive for you!! Mary Jo

[rodless]

Michele, Is the "church thing" working? I just can't make myself go. Not because of memories or because I'm uncomfortable.. not sure why. I had church shoved down my throat(in a nice way) until I left home and have a son who's a pastor and a daughter who does church youth work. They're both understanding of how I feel. I wish my mother was. She seems to think that going to church would solve ALL my problems. I try to tell her I'm better off out under the open sky. Right now that's where I feel closest to God. Would be interested in anyone's thoughts about this. Mary Jo

[justamom]

Hi girls, I have had a really bad day - the guy that was in the car with us the night of our accident has been having a really hard time. He has some serious survivors guilt. His brother died on Thursday and today I went to the funeral. I can't tell you how raw I feel. I had one of those "Steel Magnolia" moments where I was watching his wife as they played their wedding song and she was rocking herself back and forth and I literally had to force myself not to start screaming and running from the church. Then after the service I went up to speak with him and his mom and I had to cover my mouth with my hand so that I didn't start wailing. None of his good friends came and I just kept thinking that My husband should have been there holding his hand and mine too. His wife is so sweet and I hurt so badly for her and the road that she has to travel She has no children and I really don't know how she will make herself get out of bed tomorrow. I have been crying all day and I feel terrible. I had to decorate this weekend for my kids as well and it was awful. I feel like I am right back where I started 11 months ago. How can this still be so hard! I feel so desperate and alone tonight. I just don't know what to do with myself. Somebody give me some words of wisdom okay? Lisa

[susanbruce]

Lisa - I had a bad day too. Mine is just the season plus trying to figure out how I am going to live on $30K less, with no reduction in bills. Plus someone(s) has been trying to hack into my bank account online.

I admire you so much for what you did. You did a really good thing. I think maybe you saw yourself 11 months ago while you were watching the new widow rock back and forth at the service. Raw emotion....hits home.

If it were me I would reach out to her, try and help her, listen to her, give her a shoulder to cry on, tell her about this site too. Your husband will be so proud. There would be a very special place for you in Heaven. I am a FIRM believer in God takes care of those who help others selflessly. Think of the example you would be setting for your kids.

Whatever you decide, just by going today was enormous for that family.

My love to you, Susan

[aprilmoonflower]

Darlene- I'm so sorry you are so stressed and having such a hard time! I can relate a bit w/ financial woes. it sucks! I hope everything goes smoothly this next month for you! (and goes by fast!) it sounds like you ar emaking progress with your place too! hoping you will be able to relax some in the new year!

susan- we went down to under 1/2 of what my DH made. (living soley on survivor benefits) it's livable, but I have learned to be very frugal now and plan ahead for everything. (something I am just now learning!)

Lisa- wow, that does sound so awful. I am so sorry. I can't even imagine what that was like for you. tomorrow will be a better day (((hugs)))

[catwoman32]

Hi, I can't believe that it is almost Christmas. I will be alone this year without my husband. We have spent about 11 of them together. It just doesn't seem possible that he won't be here this time. I just got my official copy of the medical examiner's report over the weekend. It was very sobering, but very depressing as well. It's been over a month since he was killed by shotgun. I have been doing ok I guess, I just try to stay busy. I have been really trying to "sow a seed in my time of need" and it seems to help me in my sadness. I am trying to give back as much as I can to others that are in need. I am hopeful that the Lord will bless me by doing so. It will be tough on the holidays I know, but it gives me some peace to know that I have made a difference to someone else less fortunate. It doesn't have to be anything big or even cost anything.It's just a suggestion, I know it is the only thing that has brought me any peace this holiday. I also too have to say that I am glad that he died loving me and that I didn't have to lose him to divorce or another woman. I went through that with my first husband. I almost think it hurt worse than the death of my late husband that was killed. I do know that they do both hurt like hell and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I am trying to stay strong and not let this destroy me. If I don't, the killer will have won again and I don't want that. He has taken nearly my whole life from me. Just keep your heads up ladies. I could have handled my situation a lot better if it had been an illness, heart attack, car accident, etc. But cold blooded murder is just so hard to even fathom. Especially when the killer committed suicide and there will be no justice at all on earth.

[egrayl]

Anna- Thank you for your reply. I do not think you are crazy at all. I speak to my husband also. Sometimes I feel him more nearby than others. The reality is setting in at this time, along with the holidays so I feel like it is a double whammy. The boys and I had a very hard time at the cemetary yesterday but it probably helped us. Every Monday, we have a candlelighting ceremony (he died on a Monday). This is very very helpful to us and I would highly recommend any special rituals.

Darlene- It sounds like you have gotten so much done. Get some rest too and take care of yourself. Take one day at a time and you will get through all of this. I will remember you in my prayers.

[airymoon]

hi ladies i am sorry you are haveing a hard time. Interesting that we are all having rough times together. Today is the 6 month mark of my husbands death I knew it would be hard but i had hoped i would be too busy to deal with it. stupid of me to think that but i guess you can convince yourself of anyhting in the land of denial. I had to do christmas shopping without kurt and it was so hard. I did ok with my side of our family but he always went with me to get his side of the family. I spent the night trying to buy gifts and remember who I was supposed to be buying for. Most of the time was spent trying not to cry. I wanted to get my boys paintball guns but i know nothing about them. I tried to read them and figure it out but that was no good. I asked a friend of mine to help (he and kurt used to go paintballing) and he said ok but then i didn't want him to because it felt like someone else was in kurts place. Silly i know he was just showing me the ones i should get for the money i wanted to spend. But all i could think was this man is picking out kurt's kids presents,and he wasn't even doing that. He was just showing me what to look for and the diffferences in them. Tomorrow is going to be hard i know and it is made worse because of the holiday. My friend tried to cheer me up by telling me to buy a paint ball gun for myself and the kids and i could go paintballing. I was thinkg about shooting the lighted deer and santas in the yards.

Armaiti--- your right about grief coming in sneaker waves. That is a good way to put it because it does sneak up on you. I was prepared for tomorrow to be hard I didn't think that i would lose it because i saw a pair of mens pajama pants that i would hve normally bought for kurt. I touched them and started crying. I'm surprised the people in the store didn't actually pull their kids away from the are i was in whispering "stay away from the nice lady kids" lol

Mishnit--i would leave the tree up until the day after christmas. Then take it down. Use it as your transition tree. Next year will be easier maybe.

Darlene-----good to see you i have been missing you and wondering where you were. It does seem we put alot of energy into trying to be busy instead of actually being busy. I understand why you are making all the arrangements you're making. I think it may be a way of you grabbing a litlle control in all the chaos in your life right now. There is so much you can't control that taking these steps makes you feel like you at least have taken some control back. That is really just my opinion but it is how i would feel if i had everything on my plat you do. I wouldn't worry to much about your house. I wish i could come and help you clean. You could go through the private stuff you needed to and i could straightne and sweep and mop. When my daughters room was a disaster.(no kidding youcouldn't even get into her room because everything was on the floor) I got boxes and let her pick a few things out and then just put every thing else in a box. I did that with me room and the kitchen things.Then i could store/hide the boxes and unpack them one at a time. it wasn't so overwhelming that way. As far as your tests go, I would think that if the doctors thought it was a major medical issue/emergency they wouldn't let you wait until after the first of the year.You are stronger than you know, trust me. I hear it in your posts and yes we get sick of hearing it because we are really puddles on the floor. But the simple fact that we are here and on this board shows how strong we are. We have all lost someone yet here we are suporting each other and crying with each other and we haven't even seen each other yet. That is strength.

Rodless--I completely agree with you on the church thing. I do not believe you have to be IN a church to honor God. It is just a building.The discipline and companionship are important but I feel like you can find God anywhere and everywhere and you should worship where you feel the closest to him.

Lisa--I am so sorry for your day. I have had to go to 2 funerals since kurt died and neither one of them were easy to do. i also think that you may have seen yourself in the wife. And you were feeling her pain literally. When that happens everything jumps back up to the surface. And we are made aware again that the one we want to be here is not.

I wish you all strength and love but my biggest wish for you today is laughter.

Becky

[missinmyhubby]

Hello all....

Anna - Your site is just beautiful! I am sorry you are here, but welcome.

Mary Jo - ("I believe losing your partner to death is easier than losing to divorce. I have been through both. Knowing Rod loved me and would never have chosen to leave is a different pain than having my ex leave because he found someone else.") You said it so well when you said it is a different pain. I think that it is relative to the situation at hand. I know for me, losing Mark has been much harder than the divorce ever was. The love lost was much greater, for me that is. I think that whatever the loss is, it's a loss and a grieving process of its own. My new hubby was married 14 years when she up and walked out on him for another man, leaving behind EVERYTHING, right down to her kids. I can NOT fathom that kind of loss or betrayal. Anyway, I like to hear different thoughts to different situations...it gives me pause and moments to see someone else's side of things. Again, I just really liked how you said it is a different kind of pain...Thanks for the thought provoking moments.

As for the church thing...I must have missed earlier posts on this subject. Please, if you are up to it, share with me your thoughts and feelings on this one. I was so mad at God for the longest time for taking DH away. I questioned what I could have done so terribly wrong to deserve this kind of pain and loss. I wouldn't attend church, I wouldn't pray, nothing. I just wanted him back. People use to say "at least he's in a better place." One of those stupid sayings that uneducated (in losing a spouse that is) people say to you. My thoughts were always, "his place here was just fine, with me and his kids, right where he belonged." How could God have been good like I had been taught for so many years, to destroy my kids and myself in one fell swoop?!?!?!?!? Then a little over a year later, one of my flight students, re-introduced me to him. I honestly feel like it was totally meant to be for this individual to be put in my life. I had been playing with that notion to return to the living, but not seriously yet I don't think. But this particular individual came to fly with me approx. 2-3 times a week. He never shoved religion down my throat, but in general conversation had asked if I had found a church since I was relatively new in town. Of course, being the tactful one that I am...NOT...I told him no, and exactly why I felt the way I did. Any God that I believed in before, could not possibly exist if he could do such hurtful things to us down here. Well, he kept the invitation open to join him on a Sunday for church should I ever feel ready to go back...that was that...never said another word about it. He was such a good natured man, good looking I must add, became my eye doctor, and always so happy and relaxed. I got to thinking maybe I should try it again...I needed something to help me find some peace. But here's the catch...I didn't return to church for God, I returned for me. If he could be selfish in taking my husband, I could be selfish in taking what I needed from church and going home when it was over. And so it started. I use to go just to listen to the service. Some weeks I felt like I didn't get anything out of it because it did not pertain to me and my pain. Other weeks, it hit straight home and to my heart. I didn't talk to anyone when I attended. I usually came in last and left first. I saw my student there on several occasions, said hello and then left. There was one particular Sunday though that another gentleman from the church made it a point to seek me out. He started making conversation, and not wanting to be completely rude, I stood and talked to him for a few. After a few conversations with him, I found that he was married to a lady that had had a spouse pass away. For reasons unknown to me, except that he was meant to be there for a reason all his own, I gained a little insight on how it feels to be married to a woman who has lost a loved one. It was all so delicately said over several conversations, that it blows me away. It was never like he was told I had lost my husband, or that he talked to me to educate me, it just happened. At this point, meeting a man and marrying again had not yet even crossed my mind. But, I remember this one particular conversation with him that I can still play back so clearly in my head. He was telling me how he and his wife had been on a vacation once together and how he had picked up a special gift for her that he was proud of, knowing that she would absolutely love it. Later that evening when he surprised her with it, she broke out in tears. He said he was so taken back by it all and just did not understand what he had done wrong. She had finally told him through her tears how it would have exactly been something that her late husband would have done for her. Now, all of us know how those moments hit us out of the blue. But, for him, he just did not understand. He said he felt helpless and horrible all at once. He had tried to do something special for his wife and all she could do was think of him. He had told me of how it was hard at first to share her with him still. He also spoke of how he came to realize that he was no threat, but that loving a woman who also loved someone else was a challenge he was learning to cope with. I had always thought that a bizarre conversation until I met my new husband. If anything, that was one of the most important things I could have heard in all of this. I keep that conversation foremost in my mind when it comes to my new husband. I think of him and how hard it must be to be in his shoes. He knows I love Mark and always will, but is willing to let me love both of them. I guess what I am trying to say by that lesson I learned, is that it has allowed me to be careful of his feelings in all of this...it can't be easy for him. As for the church thing...I never was a big church go'er. I believe in God, and I try to be a good human being, but I don't believe I have to go to Church every Sunday for him to hear me. I feel like I can pray anywhere I am, whether it's at church, a walk in the wilderness, a drive in my car, whatever. I CAN say that going to church then, and listening, did help me. I am closer to God now, probably more than I ever was before, and have learned to accept whatever his plans are. I still don't like it, or even understand it, but have accepted that things happen for a reason....sometimes reasons we will NEVER know.

Darlene - My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Lisa - I read your post and could just feel the upset this has caused you. I wish I could be there to hug you. I agree, you have done a huge thing by attending the services...HUGE, GIRL, HUGE!!! You felt her pain, you have been in her shoes, and you have something that many around her probably don't have....an understanding of what she is to face.

How to say all this....let's see....I kept everything to myself until I came here and started talking to all of you. I shared none of my pain with anyone else. Okay, so I would tell them of my sadness, my grief, etc., but no one got it because they had never been here where all of us are. I felt so alone in my last three plus years until all of you. I come on here everyday now...sometimes I write books like tonight, sometimes just to see how everyone is, sometimes I cry for the newer ones, and sometimes I cry for the rest of us. I read the posts and can relate, or sometimes it just takes me back. Sometimes I find tears rolling down my face as I read, and sometimes I write hoping to help another. But, because I never cried about it before much, when I cry now, it is cleansing in a way. I think, that even though it hurts sometimes more than I want it to, being here with you all helps sooooooo much. I agree with Susan...I say reach out to her...it might take you back, it might hurt, but it might help cleans you, and make her one less alone and frightened widow out there. Whatever you choose to do, God Bless you...(((hugs))) (I have a story about my new hubby and a graveyard I will tell you another time if you are interested.)

April - I miss you!!! How's your cat??? Any meat eating pizza frenzies lately with the little ones???

Well, it's beddy bye time!!! (((hugs))) to each and everyone on here.

Love Angel

[mishknit]

wow......

sometimes i look here and there's nothing, and then..tonight...so much here!

i just got back from a little holiday party for the 7 people that are in my grief group. It actualy was very nice, we had a lovely time, NOT talkng about our grief, and it was good. I had to call a friend on the way over tho, just to report to her that i weas on my way to a party and the only reason i was invited was because i have a dead spouse.....ridiculous.

Lisa...there are no words for what you must have felt...i am so sorry, yet so proud of you for showing up and being there for her. And all the advice you've gotten here..to help her...I agree. What has happened to all of us here is so awful, that to be able to reach out to each other has given..well, i know at least me, enormous strength, And that you showed up, and that you have some tools to help her from your own experience....I think that whatever you can do would be enormously helpful..even just telling her about this board. i am so sorry, tho, that you went thru that.....i have been to one memorial service since tom died..a 90 year old woman who i adored..it was hard, but it wasn';t another widow. You did a stong an admirable thing by going....i hope you see that and get some peace.

there's so much to say, and I'm very tired from my night....I'll reread and post tomorrow, but

Mary Jo..the church thing. It's sort of a long, involved story, that i can make short, just not tonite. BUT,

it has been ok...I've only gone 2 weeks in a row...have been a few other times thru the year, but only for something special. I think I'll go again next sunday, we'll see how i feel. It is complicated, the anger and the sadness and then, at my particular church there are peersonalities and politics that also play a parrt...but what angel said..starting to go to take what i could get from it and leave the rest...that was good...i think that's what i'm doing now.

and that's the simple answer....to talk more later.

thank god for you all...

michele

[lindat]

So many of us hurting.... Terry has been gone 11 months on the 17th and it was a tough one for many reasons. I had planned to go home to MS after the holidays, but our builder was arrested a couple of weeks ago and is in jail on charges of fraud. It seems he has bilked people out of almost a million dollars - we only lost $75,000 in the form of a construction loan, but it might as well be a million. My daughter's lawyer has done a search for assets but there are none. I guess he either hid them or gambled them away. Now they aren't sure they will be able to qualify for a home since they have $115,000 in debt with nothing to show. $40.000 is in the form of an SBA loan to pay for furniture if they find a home.

Since Terry and I were together for 21 years but never married, all of his retirement income is gone - $2500 a month. I finally got a job this week, only pays $7 an hour, but I guess it is better than nothing. I had hoped to make enough to pay my bills and afford a room somewhere so that I could have a space of my own and get away from the smoke (I am temporarily living with my parents in a trailer and both smoke), but I am stuck here unless I can find something that pays better. I have hunted for a job for almost 2 months, but at age 60 there weren't any takers until this one. The cheapest room for rent in the paper today is $500 + utilities in a bad part of town. I am overwhelmed and tired and I already hate the job. I am tired of crying in my car - I want to go home!

On the upside.... I don't have to worry about when to go through Terry's stuff because most of it went away in Katrina before he died and I gave the rest went to his kids when I had to move 2 weeks later. I don't have to worry about whether I want to put up Christmas decorations because I don't have a home - or the decorations. Makes things so simple - or at least it should. The other day when we found out about the builder, my mom told me that the trailer park might ask me to leave after the holidays. They have a rule that you can't have guests that stay longer than 2 weeks. She didn't tell me that before because I had planned to go back home after the holidays. When I completely lost it at the thought of being homeless, she told me firmly that I would just have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get it together. I know she means well and she loves me - BUT HOW DO I DO THAT, I HAVE BEEN TRYING AND IT JUST ISN'T WORKING!!

This afternoon a package came for me from my best girlfriend in Texas, it was a beautiful silver picture frame that said "So rare, so few - Good friends like you." In the frame was a photo of Terry and me that she took while we were on vacation together before Katrina.

I had never seen the photo before and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. This is just so impossibly hard.

By the way, I have also been through divorce and it was a piece of cake next to this. I was determined to survive and live a better life after my divorce, but now I can't find the will or determination to do anything and there is no better life than the one I no longer have. Wishing for all of us a little peace....

Linda

[armaiti]

Lisa - What you did shows how much strength and courage you had, to be there. Keep breathing...the strength that got you through today will carry you through the days to come as well, I can tell from your post that you have that courage in you. And having to do the whole Christmas thing, that has got to be hard. At least Christmas will be over pretty soon.

Catwoman - this would have been my 11th Christmas with Ishaq, it is so hard to not have him here. I'm nervous about this trip back east - not the being with his family part, as we are all close, but going alone on three planes to get there, dealing with all the traveling and possible stress and delays. I actually went out and bought a laptop today, figured it was kind of a Christmas present from Ishaq to me since he left me a little money. And I uploaded a bunch of the music we played together, and some of his taped classes so I can listen to it, and hear his voice on the plane.

Mary Jo - I agree that I feel closest the the Creator when I'm outside. It's part of our spiritual tradition, to recognize the Divine in all of nature. I used to think about Ishaq dying, after he'd had a diabetic crash, and the paramedics had come and gone, and we would be in bed. I'd have my hand on his back, making sure he was still breathing ok, that he wasn't going to crash again. And I'd think that when he died (and I knew it would most likely be before me - he told me early on that people who had childhood onset diabetes didn't live to be very old) I would be so mad at the Creator that I would just turn into a recluse and never go to a Sufi event again. And then the day he died, we had our monthly zikr - which means "remembrance" and at first I wasn't going to go and then decided to. So many people from our community were there, and I ended up leading a good part of the evening. It was beautiful, with us all grieving and singing together. At one point I could feel Ishaq there with me, and I knew he'd be with me, watching over me, and that through my practices and remembrance of the Divine, I would stay close to him as well. He and I led zikr for years in this community, and it just felt right to be there. And I'm so grateful for the support they've shown me. But it's different than coming and talking here, because with all the love and support they give, they still don't understand what it feels like to lose your soulmate.

I should probably go to bed too, lots to finish up tomorrow before this trip. And I think I hear my kitten destroying something in the other room...

Love to all of you,

Anna Armaiti

[justamom]

Thanks girls, I am alot better today. Court sucked. It is just going to drag on from now until the end of time. I just need to prepare myself for all of that. I have already made sure to stay in touch with my friends wife. I will make sure that she knows about this place as well. Now I can just relax for a few days and focus on my kids which is really nice, we all need a little together time. Hope you are all doing well. I send all my best energy, thoughts and hopes to each of you. Take care, Lisa

[airymoon]

Today has been a very hard and strange day. I didn't sleep well last night because i kept dreaming about kurt. I know it is harder today because it is the 6 month mark of his death and yet it seems like he was just here yesterday, amd at the same time it feels like i've lived a lifetime without him. So many emotions today and the rollercoaster of them all was very draining. I had to put on a happy face for work and a happy face for my kids. My 14 year old said you know today is 6 months mom and i said yeah you ok? He said today was strange for him and he couldn't figure out why until he wrote down the date. I just feel like i have been thown back to the beginning of the whole thing I know it is different but the pain is still there and i feel it today as strong as i felt it after he died. I know i am handling it better but i am still not handleing it well. I still cry everynight and he is the first thing i think of in the morning. I just wish he were here with me but i can't have that so i have to find a way to accept that. I felt him with me today I just wish i could have held him or seen him. I wish i could hear his laugh again . He had a beautiful laugh and i miss it. I miss him so much!This is so hard maybe too hard.

Becky

[rodless]

Paintballs... now there's something I've never tried. Maybe I'll ask Santa for one. I laughed and laughed at the idea of shooting lighted deer. There's whole herd across the street. I'd probably be arrested. Anyway, it was good to have a laugh on a gloomy day. Hope things get better for you Becky as the next six months go by. I identify with the just yesterday/all my life ups and downs of how long our spouses have been gone. Some days it just seems totally unreal that he won't be picking me up for lunch.

Angel, I'm glad the remarks on divorce helped. That seemed to me to be a sharp angry pain. This I find most of the time to be a deep deep ache. Both hurt, that's for sure.

Everyone else, hope you're doing ok. Mary Jo

[rodless]

PS.. Lisa, I didn't get as many gifts for the 2nd wedding because we told our family then eloped. My best going-through-a divorce friend had remarried 6 months earlier with a huge church wedding (she looked kind of funny going down the aisle with a bow on her rear but that was the style then), reception, dance etc. etc. She got lots of gifts. Just skip the bow. Glad your day was better. I lost 2 uncles after Rod died and the funerals were very tough. Since then I have stayed in more contact with those aunts. Even though we're different generations, the feelings are the same. You did the right thing even though it was hard for you. Mary Jo

[kristiej]

I'm pretty new here but I've been reading all the posts and it helps knowing that what I'm feeling, others are too.

Yesterday was Ron's birthday. I went to the cemetary for the first time since he died in August and go quite an unpleasant surprise. The cemetary doesn't allow headstones, rather it's just plaques on the ground. I hadn't seen Ron's and it's huge! Bigger than anyone else's within seeing distance. Now Ron was the kind of person who wanted to keep in the background of things. He would be horrified if he could see it. When I met with the funeral director, it was the same day he died. He died very early in the morning and I had been sitting up with him for a very long time, then after doing some more things, my sons, my sister and I met with the funeral director. So I wasn't operating with my full attention. Plus, I had just lost my husband of 31 years.

I'm furious today because I think I was taken advantage of. I had no idea what I was agreeing to and I think they knew that and used it to their advantage. And now it's too late to do anything. This plaque is enormous and I hate it and I know Ron would too!

Now I know I'll be uncomfortable if I ever go back there.

[mofirefly]

Kristie - I am SO sorry for what has happened to you. I totally agree that there are funeral directors who take advantage of those who are in a state of shock. Obvisously I don't know your perticular circumstances, but would it be possible to have the plaque removed once you were able to save up for another to take it's place...if this is not possible, have you informed the funeral home of how you feel, they might offer to correct the situation (but if not at least they would be made aware of a wrong that's been done to you). Perhaps you can make up a site near your home that you can visit instead of the one at the cemetary. I know that none of this helps take away the pain you are feeling...my heart goes out to you. Take care.

[rodless]

Kristie, I don't know if your funeral director would listen to your complaint but I'd let him know how upset you are. Could it be changed in any way? You have enough to deal with and the cemetery should be a peaceful place. I'm so sorry you have to go through this too.

A church in a city near us if having a Blue Christmas service for those who are "not in the ho ho ho spirit and need comfort" during the holiday season. What a nice idea... wish there were more that would do something like that. MJ

[kristiej]

I don't know if there is anything I can do or not. Right now I have Christmas to get through, but after the new year I do plan on sending them a letter letting them know what I feel about things.

Trying to be positive, I asked my youngest son if he thought I should do anything. Ron's parents bought plots for them, Ron and his older brother, many years ago. Due to circumstances that are too complicated to really get into, I hate his brother with a burning passion - the only person I can say I hate (It's more complicated but his brother lives in the same city and Ron was sick for a year. His brother only called twice in that entire time to see how he was doing - and that was only after Ron reached out to him first. And his brother didn't say a single word to me through the entire visitation or funeral - not one word of condolence. He didn't say anything to either of our sons either) Ryan, my son said no - he didn't think so. Just wait until Ron's brother saw the size and feel he had to top it! We got a bit of a laugh out of that.

[armaiti]

Kristie - It seems that if you tell them how you feel they should do something, and if they won't, let them know you will tell others how they treated you. Nothing gets a business more willing to help you than the fear of bad publicity. Or maybe you could get someone to call for you, if it feels like too much. And be sure to mention that if you don't get satisfaction, you'll report them to the Better Business Bureau - I had to use them with a problem once and it was amazing how fast that got the problem solved.

I'm sitting here pretty exhausted, after getting up at 3 AM to go to the airport and then finding out my flight had been cancelled. And they said there were absolutely no flights to be had for days. I called the drummer in our band, who drives a cab, and he came back out to the airport and got me, but after I was home I just lost it for a while. The only thing bearable about the holiday was that I would be able to spend it back east with Ishaq's family, and not alone.

After I pulled it together, I went online and was able to find a flight through a different airline, though it meant buying another, more expensive ticket. But Ishaq's sister had told me to go ahead and not worry about the cost. She said not coming back wasn't an option! They paid for my first ticket which was so sweet. And now it's raining which is good - it doesn't get foggy like this morning when it rains. So wish me luck on getting back to Pennsylvania tomorrow! I was proud of myself that I was able to pull it together and get this taken care of quickly - all the flights had sold out by the time I was done booking mine, I just barely made it in time to get a reasonably priced ticket.

I decided to make some holiday cards with a picture of Ishaq and I on it, and also send it out as an e-card to friends and I'm glad I did. I've been listening to the CD of him singing Christmas songs each morning when I get up, but that's the only holiday music I can stand. And "Me and Bobby McGee" - it's his dad's favorite song, and he always made Ishaq sing it. I guess I'll have to sing it for his dad when I'm back east, though it's going to be hard to do it without crying.

Anyway, love to you all - hopefully my next post will be from Pennsylvania!

Love and Blessings,

Anna Armaiti

[bsnurse76]

I am so ready for the holidays to be over. I did some Christmas shopping with my mother this week and I had so much anxiety. We have still not received the autopsy results (it has been over 6 weeks). I am hoping that will give me some closure. I miss having that feeling of comfort, knowing he would be home when I got there. There is something about being comfortable in life and it sucks when it is gone. I had a Christmas party this last weekend for the group I will be working for. It was nice, but I think most of the time my body was there but my mind wasn't. I just go through the motions of living. I hope all of us make it through the holidays the best we can given the circumstances. Thank you so much for listening. Brandi

[catwoman32]

Brandi, you and I must have lost our loved one about the same time. Mine was killed on 11-9-06. I just got his medical examiners report back last weekend. It was very sobering yet depressing. Got to see where all the shot gun wounds were. It was just like I was still in a bad dream. I kept reading his name over and over like it was just not real. It gives me some closure. My mom was like I can't believe you wanted to see that report! I couldn't imagine not. I was not there, I wanted to be able to piece together what happened in my head.I do hope that I never have to read another one of those. I still want the full police report, but they won't release it unless it is asked for in court. It seems crazy. You can go retrieve their personal items, but you can't read what really happened on paper. I still have so many thoughts rushing through my head all the time. Christmas has just magnified the situation. I feel like a robot going through the motions daily. I still don't sleep or eat right. I play the tape over and over in my head as I lay in bed. It is truly like being in hell. He was so good to me. He took very good care of me. I got used to that and it is very hard not having that security anymore. Not only was my husband killed that day, but his best friend and his best friend's step son too. Some days I feel like I am doing ok then the wife of my husband's murdered best friend calls me in the middle of the night and she is drunk and so distrought. It just sends me into a tail spin everytime she calls me. She lost her husband and only son, so I know it is double hard for her. I have to be strong for her and his parents. They all depend on my strength so much. That makes it hard on me too. It just sucks so bad. I don't really know what to say to make you feel any better except that I do know how you feel. I am not going to say I am sorry. I know you probably hear that too much as it is. I know I do. It starts to feel not so sincere after awhile. We will all make it because we have eachother and we have similar experiences. Thank God we aren't the only one's going through this hell. Just come back and vent and say whatever you feel. It does help. Don't ever feel like what you feel or need to say is not important because it is. We need to get this stuff off our chests. It is part of our grieving and healing process. I sure hope everyone tries to make the best of this holidays although it won't be easy for any of us. It will be over very soon. God Bless Everyone! Rhonda