I Miss Him So...

[aprilmoonflower]

Joyce- haven't seen you post in sooo long and I have often wondered about you! I'm so glad to hear from you! the geneology sounds like a great project and a legacy for your children and grandchildren! anyway stay in touch and know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.

[nolena]

You all are pretty darned entertaining!

And I can related to so much here that I can't begin to mention it all.

A guy I've met before actually wanted my phone number the other night. It was nice, as he's really easy to be with.

What will I do if I actually GET A DATE?!!! (Well, I can think of a few things. )

I've been working on writing out some grief stuff. It helps.

13 months. It is a little easier now.

Does anyone else use the car as their personal crying space when you're driving alone? I get a lot out in the car.

So, if someone crashes into you on the road, you'll know it's me.

[airymoon]

Rodless I am so glad you got what i was trying to say. I hit the five month mark on Nov.19

It seems like a lifetime ago and like it was yesterday. I do believe that one of the reasons i am dealing better with kurt death is because of his amount of love he gave me. Sometimes i do feel guilty that i'm not a puddle on the floor but then i tell myself to stop thinking that way and let it be what it is. Mostly though if i open my senses up i feel him holding me up. Sometimes it's very strong and sometimes not. Sometimes i don't feel him at all and i know he's helping someone else but he's watching and he'll be their if i need him to. It' strange that our dates are only 2 or 3 weeks apart. Kinda seemed like time stopped when kurt died. I'd like to think they met and are laughing at the things we say on this board. Kurt always laughed at me though he said he was laughing WITH me.lol. i think all of our husband's are getting together talking just like we are.

Angel--Yes to the wwf! Monday night at nine no matter what i was watching he would come over and turn the tv and say "good night you have to work tomorrow and its late" It was funny to him but not always to me. I'd be like "can i at least wait until the commercial." I guess it was pretty funny that he got so excited over the scripts and the matches.

ok night for now.

Becky

[mishknit]

Becky..another laugh...imagining all our husbands talking about us! "She always said she liked WWF...my snoring never bothered her.....i thought she loved my family..." LOLLOLOLO!

oh my god....how funny would that really be!

And Nolena...I'll play bumper cars with you any day!~ I scream, cry, yell in anger and grief...it's a great place to be alone! Sometimes i have to pull over, it gets so bad. But...such a relief too. I always used to drive to get stuff out..so that hasn't changed....it's just so much more intense now.

I just got back from my grief group...so I'm feeling good..it always helps to talk with people who understand, and that goes for this board too.

I got some great handouts tonite...I'm about ready for bed, but I'm gonna try and post some of this stuff...helping thru the holidaays.

Michele

[logan12890]

last night was another really tough night..i couldnt sleep, i just kept remebering everything that i went through with my first love. things that at the time werent so special but i look back now and they mean so much. i lost my first true love to suicide...i knew him for 5 years and the last year and half he was around i fell deeply in love with him...he was everything...even though he was an ass and had many flaws..he was the sweetest person..he was everything to me..he was my first to everything, i lost my virginty to him, i gave him my heart everything...and i told him a day before his birthday is which the day he killed himself on...i knew he was going through so much, and i told him that i didnt know what to do if he ever killed himself...that my life would go crashing down...after i told him that i told him of all the things that were going to come in the future...he laughed, i hadnt heard him laugh in a long time...we were suppose to spend his 25 birthday together..i didnt get intouch with him on his birthday so i called the next day and found out he shot himself in the head...the worst part that i just cant get over is that he was so alone...they found his body 10 hours after he killed himself..its been almost 3 months and i cant get by it..i want him back, i would do anything just to hold him again...kiss him good bye...i didnt even get to see him, i am only 17 and my parents wouldnt let me see him in the open caskit..i am so upset and angry at them...they tried to push us away from eachother when all we needed to be close and now he is gone, he isnt coming back and i cant get that through my head..i feel like i am waiting for him to show up or call or something...but i know he wont..my heart feels like it is just breaking inside and i cant stop it...i cant sleep at night anymore...i just need advice...

Logan

[lauraa]

Joyce: I am so glad you wrote as I think of you all the time and have wondered what was happening with you. You and I are on the same time line here. Honestly, I think the fog has lifted and I am deeper now into my grieving than ever before....I had a period where it was difficult for me to post and I just read. My energy level was just very low and I just didn't have the energy to write. I hope you are getting more strength with each new day. I love the idea of the geneology project...it must keep you very busy and what a beautiful gift to give your kids and grandchildren. Keep posting to let us all how you are going. (((HUGS)))

Logan12890: I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I can only imagine what feeling you have and what you are going thru. Please keep writing here to all of us as it is a great outlet and you can tell us all what you are feeling and not be punished in anyway....I am sure your world has been turned upside down as all of ours have, too! I think your parents must of been out of their minds with worry for you in all you were going thru...maybe they kept you from going to see his open casket because they worried it was the straw that would break the camels back? I can totally understand you being upset but I would imagine it was out of love for you to protect you. They were probally feeling helpless in what to do.....You are in my thoughts and please know you have a friend in all of us.

Missingmyhubby: I think of you often and thank you for sharing your story about you new marriage....I am sure it is not easy in many ways.

Peace for everyone today.

[aprilmoonflower]

so has anyone here gone out on a date yet? I am nowhere near dating and kind of feel very sorry for the next man I encounter.lol. yeah I have issues!!!!!

Logan-I am so sorry. how awful. I had a close freind commit suicide when I was 17. It still effects me to this day so I can't imagine what you are going through! Do you have a counselor at school or a close friend you can talk to? The thing that helped me when my friend committed suicide was writing oddly enough..it helps! I do have to say that is awful what your parents did! I do think they are trying to protect you,and probably didn't know what else to do? but they should have let you say goodbye! My heart is breaking for you! Can you maybe do something on your own to say goodbye? have some freinds get together for a memorial or something? It might help you find some closure. I would also sit your parents down and try to tell them how you feel. IF that's too hard maybe just write them a letter. it will help though and you are really going to need your parents support toget through this.

[nolena]

Sorry to hear of your loss, Logan.

Writing letters is a good idea, or just writing.

Writing helps me a lot. I can say exactly what I want to say, and get it out.

[bsnurse76]

Logan- You are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my boyfriend unexpectedly 3 1/2 wks ago. I think about him every minute. I agree that a journal has helped me alot. I write about our memories, my feelings, or just write to him like I was having a conversation with him. Keep writing here. It has helped me to be able to write and read what others write. This place is a blessing. Brandi

[logan12890]

its good addvice about my parents and all but i have tried it....i tried explaining everything to them when he was here..i am pretty open about talking about it..i dont know why i dont like the subject but somehow i can talk about it...but i tried talking to my parents...i wrote something down that i was happy with and told them to read it but my mom said she wouldnt...i cant let my father read it because no matter what he will judge by it..my whole family judges....i do write alot thats one thing i do enjoy....lately i have been doubting they way he felt for me...my family just puts me down about it...saying he wasnt mine, i was never his girl friend that our relationship is sick and wrong....when they would say things like that before he died it didnt matter i could always turn to him and he would tell me different...now i dont have anyone to talk to...and its killing me inside...for the past 2 months i have been waiting for a sign of him telling me its okay to let him go...even if that did happen i wouldnt be able to, i see his daughter every day and she looks so much like him, she is a spitting image of her father....and i do have a way of saying goodbye try and put the pain behind me....a year and a half ago me and him went on a ride, it looks like a needle with two baskets at the end and he had to force me to get on...we got on and it swung around and around and then it stopped at the top and you could see the whole thing of the beach and town...this summer coming up on the day of his death i have to go back on the ride and say goodbye that way.....i just cant imagian how his mother is doing...

[bsnurse76]

I have had people say and do things (even at the funeral) to make me question our relationship after Darren's death (mainly ex-girlfriends). Nobody knows what you both shared and it is important to remember those feelings, words, or moments that told you exactly how he felt. They can't take those memories away from you.

[justamom]

Logan, I am glad that you found your way here. Keep in mind that your parents love you, they just don't know how to deal with you and your pain right now. That is something that we have all felt. No one really knows how to relate to us, we are so differnet from the people that we were. I think it scares the people who loved us the way that we were. They all just want us back. Stay in touch here we are all in the same boat - a "sisterhood" of sorts.

I am going out on my first date with a man other than my husband in 15 years on Saturday night. (it's hockey boy) I am scared S**tless. But I am going to go. I feel terrible about the impending holidays, I am sick of being sad and depressed and I think I need to have a good time to adjust my attitide. I have got to get it together for my boys and this man is willing to help.

I have decided that I am having a "girlfriend" party after the 1st to go through all of Steve's stuff before the one year anniversary. It has just really sunk in that he isn't coming back - doesn't need his shoes or his toothbrush anymore. I know I am a coward that I can't make myself do it on my own but I just can't. It will be an excuse to get my friends over to eat and drink. My wedding anniversary is New Years eve and I am really dreading that. I will be in Disneyland with my boys. Hopefully the "Happiest Place on earth" will get me through the day.

I think of you all often Hope you are doing well.Lisa

[lauraa]

Logan and BSnurse.....Only you guys know what you had in your relationships. No-one else. Don't let anyone else try and take that away from you. Relationships are sacred and it is between two people. If anyone is trying to interfere with that then I think it is out of jealousy. Be strong and follow your heart. You can still have conversations with your boyfriends to let them know how your feel. And, in my mind even if you weren't married but had plans than I would look at it as if you were....because you were married in your hearts. I know to this day exactly how my husband would feel about anything that comes up for me....it is as if he is still here with me and never left. Your guys are with you, too! Be strong girls and just know your feelings are authentic and don't let anyone take that away from you. I am to a point where I don't share much of how I feel with anyone because I feel life has gone on and no-one really wants to talk about it so I "go it alone" and with my therapist. It is a journey. I only suggest that you honor yourselves and your feelings. They were yours and you both know it and so did they.....they are closer to you than your own heart beats.....Try and rest tonight!

[judy58]

Hi everyone,

It will be 9 months on Dec 3rd.that my husband passed. I still miss him so much. He was my world. I wish I could go to sleep for the next month. I am so dreading the holidays without him. We were like kids on Christmas day. We would get up together and open presents. We had a race to see who would buy the first present to put under the tree. I miss shopping for him. I have had to catch myself a few times when I would start thinking about what I would get for him this year. This is going to be the worst. Trying to act like I am enjoying Christmas with my family when I will be hurting so much inside. This is the first time in all my life I will not have a Christmas Tree. But, I just don't have any desire to celebrate anything. I hate my life. I hate not having my husband. We spent 17 years together and then in an instant he's gone. It still hurts so much. Okay, I have vented enough for tonight. Hope everyone has a good day tomorrow. Well, as good as it can be anyway. Hugs to everyone.

[mishknit]

oh logan, my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry your parents haven't been helpful during this time. I think sometimes, when you're young, parents tend to sort of 'dismiss" your feelings...and especially since they didn't want you to see him. I hoope i never do that to my son.....it's all too real, and your parents, will hiopefully come around and see that. You keep posting here when you need to, we'll listen.

Judy..I know....christmas was tom's favorite time,and became mine. my son adn i are at a loss....we've decorated a bit, but no tree up yet. i think we'll put it up...we need to to honor him, and i'm thinking we'll only put on the ornaments that meant something to him...we always got ornaments to commemorate or show something about our lives at the time. I can't bear the thought of getting a "dead husband" ornament....hang tough...you know we're all in the same boat..the holidays are killer. I would have been married 17 years on April first (last april 1st). My husband proposed to me 18 years ago on christmas eve. i don't know how i will bear it.

on a lighter note...

go lisa! Hockey boy...sounds good..I hope you haved a great time. take it slow and easy, and enjoy..and write us all immediately! And the idea of a girlfriend night is wondrful. I had planned that too, but, instead my son and i did it very spur of the moment and unexpectadly. Whatever gets you thru is good.

michele

[mishknit]

I got tis at my bereavemnet group:

The greiver;'s holiday Bill of rights:

You have the right this holiday season:

1. To say time out anytime you need it

2. To tell it like it is...when people ask "how are you?" you have the right to tell them how you really feel

3. To have some bah humbug days

4. To do things differently

5. to be where you want to be

6. To have some fun

7. To change direction in mid-stream

8. To do thigs at different times

9. To have rest, peace and solitude

10. to do it all differently again next year

peace. michele

[Guest Guest]

Judy58, I do sympathize with you. Last Christmas was my first Christmas without my dear hubby. We had decided that we wouldn't put up a tree anymore because it was so hard to put up and take down. As it got closer to Christmas, I went out and bought another tree with decorations and decorated it. I found the tree gave me so much comfort, I left it up all year. This year, I got some more decorations and redid the tree. It is just as hard this year as it was last year. Not only did I lose my husband last April 11, 2005, but we lost our nephew on April 1, 2005 and I saw all the life drain out of my husband when I told him about our nephew. He couldn't live thru losing one of them. He did have renal failure and heart failure and his heart just gave up and out. We would have been married 18 years the year he died. He was the most awesome man I have ever met. He treated me like a queen and showed and told me he loved me every day, many times a day. I have been told that it will get better and easier, but I will have to live it to believe it. Don't give up. If he loved Christmas, celebrate it like he loved it, that is what I had to do. I did buy him something for Christmas this year and something for my nephew. I will put it on their graves. Hugs, Sue

[shakira1975]

good people,

i am glad to be here today. i am also glad for friends and family who care to be there for us in these difficult times. so much seems to carry on around us. and yet in my heart everything is on shut down and i am still to come to terms with 'reality'. i dont know what i will do over the holiday. i have not allowed my mind to get that far. lest i realise i actually DONT have a plan and i live in misery all the days until i actually get there. last year we had 3 other couples over for dinner and we had so much fun.

i got a message from a friends husband today and i thought i would share it

" hope may be frail. but in these times, it is the flame that burns underwater and enables you to breathe in the depth of the ocean. misplace anything but never loose hope!"

I am hanging on to the little that i have. and i want to live our dreams out. the ones we shares and never saw together. the things i know he would have wanted for both of us. i want him to be proud of me.

have a good one!

Shakira

[lindat]

Shakira, The message your friend's husbands sent you was beautiful - thank you for sharing. The one thing I have learned since Katrina is that nobody really has a plan, they just think they do. Last Christmas, Terry wanted a tree and trimmings. One of my big regrets is that I told him that was silly since we didn't have a home or furniture, I certainly wasn't going to buy Christmas stuff only to have to put it in storage. Of course, now I would give anything to go back and give him the best decorated Christmas ever - but that isn't reality.

Nolena, I use my car as my personal crying space all the time. We lost our home everything in Katrina and 4 months later on Jan. 17th, my Terry passed away. I have been traveling and staying with family and friends now for almost a year. Everything I own is in my car and I have driven from FL to CA to MI to FL and now back to CA for the holidays. Most of the people that I have stayed with have moved on with their lives and I feel very alone most of the time. I get in my car and go for a drive almost every day. I yearn for the day when I will have a home again back in MS, but for now my life is on hold and my car is my space.

My 60th birthday was the day before Thanksgiving and my son took me out to dinner - just the two of us. Thanksgiving at my other son's house was better than I expected and I made it through without an emotional display. Three of my kids and their families, my ex husband and his wife and my mom were all there. Ironically, my exhusband and his wife were invited to dinner and they brought me a birthday cake. I think it was their way of saying sorry, but Terry never was mentioned by anyone. That night, my kids asked me to take the cake home since everyone was too full to eat it. I was pet sitting last week and during the night the dogs got the chocolate cake off the counter and ate it. I woke up to a mess and panic since the one thing that the owners stressed was that chocolate can kill the dogs. When I finally reached the vet, I was told that I needed to take their pulse every so often and not bring them in unless the pulse was elevated. I was very relieved when the owners arrived home a few hours later and the only one that had had a raised pulse was me. The dogs were fine and tails were wagging.

I got a second interview for a job on Monday and I think it went pretty well. On Tuesday when I was trying to scour the tub, I fell against the tub and cracked my rib. Hopefully I will be able to get through the third interview and do the job anyway if I get it - since I really need the job. I broke the same rib when I fell at work a few years ago. Someone had spilled something and hadn't cleaned it up - I found it. Terry saw it happen and he was so concerned for me and waited on me hand and foot. The contrast in my life between then and now is devastating for me - I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK.

There are so many new ladies, welcome and I hope that you will come back often, it helps all of us. Sometimes I can't write, but I always read - it is a way to get outside of myself for awhile.

Linda

[Guest Guest]

My husband died very suddenly of heart failure last July. He hadn't gone to the doctor in years and years. He was only 49 years old. I was very angry with him for quite sometime after his death because I thought had he gone to the doctor we may have been able to save his life. I was mad at myself also for not nagging him enough to go for his routine checkups. But I now realize after all these months that he was an adult and knew what needed to be done and didn't do it. I feel so awful for our daughter. She just turned 17 and doesn't have her dad anymore.

[wordscanhelp]

Dear Guest, I wish that you had used your name, I think that you have answered your own question. Suddenly, is the key word, did your husband have symptoms that he told you about?, could you have possibly known that this terrible thing was about to happen?, even routine checkups don't always pick up on everything.

Yes, so sad for your daughter, but she still has a dad, he will always be her dad, he's not there to be seen, but, he will always be in her memory.

The two of you can talk together, about your husband, and, her dad.

You are caring about your daughter, I hope someone is caring about you.

www.wordscanhelp.co.uk

[logan12890]

at points my mother understands where i am coming from....but recently my other two sisters have been dating people and she allows it..she says if they are in love and happy thats all that matters...in my mind i am saying to myself why couldnt she do that for me, she knew i loved him, she knew he was everything and more to me, i was happy she saw how i smiled and got a sparkle in my eye when i was with him...she knew he treated me right...it still doesnt matter she will never accept the fact he was the love of my life and so much more.....my oldest sister is dating my brothers friend, and my second sister is dating a drug dealer... its not fair, this whole thing isnt fair..i just wish he came to see me on his birthday, if he did everything would of been different he would still be here... this is just too much for me to handle we are both so young i thought i could of had time with him, years to come..and its all gone and i dont know how to start over.. i cant imagiane me loving someone else...i wont be able to give them my heart when it already belongs to someone else...no one can compare to him.....did i tell you i have more than a few voice messages of him on my cell phone...i get lonely at night and i listen to them...it hurts to but its great to hear his voice, hearing him saying i love you....

logan

[mishknit]

guest...same story here..

but he was 51. No docrors, tho he had had a clot in 2001. he took his blood thinners, wore his leg sock...and then, i guess, stopped...who knows. If i said anything he got pissed at me, i stopped. hje was a grown man with a family..and that has been painful to me....i am pissed too. But....he was such a wonderful father and husband in every other way..it's all so complicated..the love and the anger. Room for both, i say, and i go back and forth all the time.

hang in there....

we'll get thru this

michele

[judy58]

Guest, Same here also, I had those exact feelings. My husband wouldn't go to the doctor. He was always complaining of chest pains and was always tired. Every time I would mention the doctor he would get mad. Then had a massive heart attack and was gone. It took me awhile to get over my guilt and then I realized that I could not have made him do anything he didn't want to do. He used to always say, when its your time to go its your time and thats how he felt.

Lindat-I live in Louisiana, just north of New Orleans, I always think that the stress of Katrina had something to do with my husband's death. I now know that he had heart problems, but after Katrina he really just seemed so much more tired. It may not be that but I think sometimes that it was just too much stress not knowing if we would have a home while we were evacuated. If we would have jobs. It was just so stressful. Thanks to all about the Christmas advice. I have decided that I will do what I feel like doing.

Hugs to all.

[airymoon]

logan-I'm going to try to write from the other side of this. I wish I were able to be there and just hug you and hold you in my arms so you can cry and talk this out. It is possible that your mother doesn't want to read the letter because she is not able to handle knowing how much pain you are in. As parents we want to fix what is hurting our children and if we can't then we are at a loss and sometimes that turns into anger or denial. If she doesn't read your letter that she can deny herself the knowledge that your in such pain. She may also be feeling guilt for not understanding how you really felt about your love. Sometimes we forget what it was like to love for the first time and we don't mean to but we don't understand how deep that first love is. I'm sure your parents were concerned with the age difference between you two and that can be hard for them to come to terms with too. know how bad the pain is at three months i thought i would never be able to breathe again let alone smile and live. But you know what today I actually caught myself laughing, a full out belly laugh and it felt good. life goes on and that sucks right now but one day, and when that day is is different for everyone, you will realize thatyour breathing throughthe pain and it is not as raw. it's not a planned thing you just realize it. The first time I heard myself laugh I actually looked around to see if someone else was laughing because i could not believe it was me. Do not doubt his feelings for you. Only you know how he felt about you and you know how you felt with him. When you are not with someone it is easy to feel these doubts but when you see them again you are reassured. When someone dies and you can't see them the doubts linger and it is easy for thoughts and others to build on them because you can't go to that person and reassure yourself. Use your memories to reassure you. I know you don't want to hear this honey but there will be others in your life. Maybe someone special and Maybe just really good friends but new people will come into your life. It is important I think to remember to accept those that you feel a connection with even if it is just a close friendship, because it is that connection to others that help us heal. You are right NObody will ever replace him and that is ok. YOu don't need to replace him and you will never want to but it is ok to go on when you are ready and only you will know when that is. to me it sounds like the two of you had a very accepting and special relationship and maybe it is hard for people to understand how that can be when you are only 17. But believe me it is possible. I met my husband at 15 and we were friends for a while then we were married at 18. Age really makes no difference in love. Go ahead and give that letter to your mother. She may not read it right away but maybe she will one day and if she doesn't at least you tried.It is possible they already understand more than you realize. that may be why they are allowing you sisters to date. The thing that stinks is they way they learned feels like it is at your expense but it really isn't like that. We parents are human and we make mistakes....a lot of mistakes.I think you are lucky to have his voice on your phone. I had to do all kinds of creative things to get my husbands voice off his phone onto mine and all he had on his was his name recorded on his voice mail. So all I have is him saying his name. And yes I listen to it almost nightly to hear his voice and someone say his name. I wish i would have saved one of his messages where he told me he loved me. Just hang in here with us for now if that is all you can do, we will be here for you.

Guest-- My husband died in June froma a heart attack. I keep saying he had no warnings or symptoms but sinc his death, and especially lately I have been able to see things from a different angle.We had our CPR certification today at my work and it was hard! the person who teaches the class is a friend of our and he walked up to me and gave me a hug right away. I did fine until he started telling how long you have between when an adult stops breathing and the heart stops. It's only seconds! Since i know this man pretty well I asked him if he could find out a few things for me. After my husband died I made a list of questions I wanted answers too. Realistic and not. Most of them have beenanswered or I have let them go but three have hung on and I can't let go of them. I want to kow why he died, did they perform chest compressions or just breathing, and the big one is if he ever regained a heart beat or anything in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. He asked me if there was a mix up with his meds he was on. I guess someone (Inlaws) has said that there was a problem with his meds and that caused a heart arythmia.I said not a problem like that and nothing that would have caused a sudden death. He asked me if he ahd ever felt short of breathe and tired and I said all the time. We were talking to his doctor about some tests and trying to decide which way to go with all that. He was on med for high blood pressure and high cholesterol.Then after reading Brandi's post I remembered about a year before he died he had come home from work early because his chest ws hurting and felt tight and he thought he was getting broncitis. then he threw up about 6 hours later and was really sweaty. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and he refused. He said he felt better just real tired and his chest was tender. Than later that night he started having trouble breathing and we went to the ER for an asthma attack. They listened to his breathing and gave him a treatment and said he sounded like he was getting broncitis. His heart was a little fast and they said that could be from the meds in the treatment. What did we know. At the time he was only 42. Who would have thought heart with no history. After i read Brandi's post it clicked and i thought o m g that is exactly what Kurt did the year before and we missed it. So now there is a sense of closure there that at least i can put a name to waht happened. Then today I had a little confirmation because the CPR instructor said everything I had told him sounded like Kurt was already have hardening of the arteries and signs of heart disease and i feel better. So I really really need to say thank you to yu Brandi! your post helped me.

Thank you to all those who post their thoughts and feelings because you never know when one will touch another.

Becky

[lindat]

Judy, You are right and I am sure that Katrina had alot to do with his death. The stress of losing everything and no help from FEMA, not knowing where we were going to live or work, and his doctor was in MS and we were in FL. His insurance wouldn't cover him in FL, so we drove back and forth. We drove to MS just 4 days before he died and his doctor said he was fine and renewed his prescriptions. The night he died, he went to two stores to get stuff for dinner and he wanted booze to make a hot toddy. He thought he was coming down with a cold. I wasn't feeling well so I laid down for a nap and he woke me about 9pm saying that he thought he might need to go to the hospital. After I got up, he said that he felt better just knowing I was there and he would be fine. He said he didn't feel like cooking dinner and I asked if he wanted me to but he said that he wasn't hungry. About midnight he said that he was feeling worse and wanted to go after all. I tried to help him to the car, but he was out of breath when we got there and couldn't sit in the car. He asked me to call an ambulance, which I did. He used his inhaler and said it just wasn't helping. In a few minutes 2 firetrucks and an ambulance arrived. He looked at me and said "I wonder what this is going to cost". Of course, I told him I didn't care. I walked him to the ambulance and he told me to bring the car so that I wouldn't be stuck at the hospital without a ride. We were in Ft. Walton Beach and didn't know anyone there. The ambulance stopped once and now I know that he died then, but at the time I was oblivious. It never occurred to me that we were in trouble. The road back was a very long lonely one, no clue how I drove it. Terry and I were together for 21 years but never married. He was separated from his wife when we met and for many reasons it just never happened. I talked to her for the first time in 21 years that day because she had to handle the arrangements. She decided to have him cremated and sent to her, and that was the end of 21 years, except to pack his things and give what little he left had to his kids. The night before he died we were watching TV and I reminded him that we had to move in 2 weeks and we should start packing. He said he didn't want to, that he was happy right where he was. The way it worked out he never had to, and for that I am glad. He would have been miserable with all the driving and staying with people. He loved quiet evenings alone just the two of us.

[mishknit]

Linda....

i don't think you ever told that story..at least i never knew. Oh lord...i am so sorry. What could that woman have wanted with his ashes, after all those years? Oh, I could just go beat her up for you....I'm mad!!

You have had to go thru so much, and still are, and that too.

Remember linda....that I live in CA....if you're near me, or not far..we could meet in the middle. I know it's a little weird with someone you meet online, but we are all so connected in such a terrible way....anyway, I'm home for the holidays, and..well, whatever.

you take good care,

michele

[judy58]

Linda- My husband's name was Terry also. After 21 years maybe you didn't have a piece of paper but ya'll were married. My Terry's ex (mother of his children) thought she should come to the visitation with the family. I had an hour for immediate family to view and then the coffin was closed for visitors as this was his wishes. She was told by my oldest step-son not to come for that first hour. She got very upset because she did not get to see him. She needed closure. After being divorced for over 20 years I don't know what kind of closure she needed. Anyway she didn't get it! I guess most of us have a story about the "past" people in our loved ones lives. Anyway, you take care. Hugs to you.

[missingcurtis]

Just a quick vent and a question.

Some of the hospital bills are being turned over to a collection agency.

I have written several letters to the hospital and VA, trying to get them to pay them.

Has anyone else had bills turned over to a collection agency? I hope they don't start calling me at work.

Thanks for any input.

Debbie............Missing Curtis.........

[lauraa]

Hi Everyone:

Hope you all are fairing well today. I know the holidays are hard on us all and compounds what we are feeling anyway.

Missingcurtis: I wouldn't write anymore and would call them and get a real live person to talk to. Make sure you get a real live person to talk to and make sure they document in your records that you actually called with the problem...make sure you get the name of the person you speak with and dates and times....have then check on the computer and hold them accountable to get to the bottom of things. Good luck.

Question....Have any of you lost people who you considered your best friend thru this process......I am curious as to what you all would say to what happened to me....My (so called) best friend told me last year that I wasn't there for her the last 5 years when she was going thru her stuff (adoption, divorce, building a house)......I was my husbands 24/7 caregiver and I was there for her when I could be....funny how some people are so self centered and can't see our grieving...that was another loss on top of loss.

[Chris4703]

Hello everyone...It has been so long since I have visited this site, but I will never forget the help I received while searching through and reading all the posts and crying with you too. I lost my love, on April 7th of 2003. We were highschool sweethearts and we had just celebrated our 31st wedding anniversary at the time of his death. He was my first and my last. I think the reason I keep checking in on this site is to give you hope that it does get better. It seemed as if every single song after his death was aimed at my heart. Didn't matter what the song was about ..it hurt because it said something about how I felt. And the loss of him was overwhelming. I decided to listen to some of my favorites that he hated.. Like "Barry Manilow" he hated his songs, so I knew I wouldn't be sad humming along to Barry, and that was all I wanted to hum along to some songs that I liked...to feel somewhat normal instead of crying all the time. So I played Copa, and when "Can't smile without you" came on I cried and cried. I still cry every so often but not nearly as much, I don't think the pain of losing him will ever end, it just becomes less intense. I recently heard "Tim Mcgraws" Live like you were dying...Oh my God..I cried and cried because this song really hit home, because my husband was only 50 when he died. We were told in ICU that saturday evening that if he made it through the night the doctor would be surprised. We just sat there and looked at each other dumbfounded..unbelieving. He did last through the night, but he died the next day. He never got the chance to "live like he was dying". So...Although I still cry and 4 years is quickly approaching I want you to know it does get better. Keep posting on here it really helps.

[catwoman32]

Hi, it has been almost a month since my husband was shot and killed. The nights hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't have any real friends, I am not into bar scenes. I just need to find something to do to keep my mind occupied. Of course I am not looking for a relationship anytime soon, but something that can fill the void a little. My husband was my best friend and man. we did everything together. Now, I don't really have anyone I can express my feelings to except my mom, so that is why I am here. It's so hard to find someone that can sympathize with a violent loss of a loved one. Most people just don't have any idea what I feel everyday. My stomach just feels knotted up all the time. I can't hardly be around people without being paranoid that someone is talking about me saying hey that's the girl who's husband was killed!! Or I am soo sorry. I just seem to avoid crowds all together. The holidays of course don't make it any easier at all. I did manage to put up a tree. It has brightened the area up a bit. It is so hard to see couples together. I just can't help but feel so cheated and misplaced. It just really does suck. I hate to even see the weekends come anymore. Just needed to vent, thanks for being here. Rhonda

[lauraa]

Catwoman, My husband was my bestfriend, too. I know what you mean about all the things you write about. I am not into the bar scene either....in the beginning I don't know how I got thru my days. I did cry most of the day and I totally dreaded the nights because I knew that I would wake up in a panic many tiimes....then it got to the point where I couldn't wait to get to bed to get away from my days that seems so dreadfully long from all my anxiety. It has been 2 1/2 years for me and I have finally gone to the dr. for medication to help me. I am one to always try and go the natural route but I felt it was starting to play on my health so I went for some extra help...This is a long journey and so many stages that we all need to get thru. I can only recommend that you be gentle on yourself andd honor how you feel. It got to a point with me that I cried so much that I felt awful for doing it so much but then I gave myself permission to cry as much as I need and to take as long as I needed. I still cry everyday and I am very sad but I try to stay in the moment and breathe thru it. I also isolate myself because it is uncomfortable to be around lots of people and especially couples. My whole world did a 360 on me...not my plan at all. Lots of people have disappointed me in so many ways but it just reinforced to me that I can only really only count on myself. There are some really good people out there though so we just have to take it slow and be true to ourselves. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress because of all the things we went thru (so has my son). I am jerked out of a deep sleep every nite.....maybe you should get some help early on just to get ahead of things. I will keep you posted as to it's benefits. It sounds like you and your husband were soulmates like we were...that can never go away. I have had so many signs that he is still with me. I also did alot of reading on the after life which help me the first year to survive. I needed to know that he lives on and he does....it hurts like hell that he is not with me physically but I have to believe that he is in a better place. If not I would go nuts! I am so sorry that you have to endure this tragic loss. Please keep talking here because it really does help.....I don't know what I would have done without everyone here. Seems every post is if I could have wrote them. And it is funny how the people in our everyday lives can't begin to comprehend, huh? It is lonely but hopefully here you can find some help and validated to all you are feeling....(((HUGS)))

[mishknit]

Thank you Cris...for your words of support. we need people who have been at this longer to come here and tell us that id does get better..at least a little better.

and rhonda...i can't imagine the particular emotions you are going thru, but do know that bone crushing loneliness. My son and i put up the tree tonite, and put the lights on it...so hard. we decided that the only ornaments we're putting on are very personal ones..ours and tom's. It will be sparse, but meaningful. I actually bought some ornaments at restoration hardware that are letters..and they spell TOM..my son doesn' t know yet...i know he'll like it. we also made a decision to put his stocking up this year, even tho it will be so sad to see nothing in it......this year.....next year, who knows.

peace,

\michele

[nolena]

On a variety of topics brought up here:

It does get better with time.

I'm still fighting hospital bills, too.

There were so many errors (funny...all in the hospital's favor) that I am disputing the bills. Fortunately I have enough medical background to know what's wrong. But it's a pain. I may need a lawyer if it continues.

My husband was also my best friend and my soul mate.

I think I qualify as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, too. I've had this before with the loss of a member of my (firefighting) crew.

It has gotten better, but it still sucks.

I keep busy taking my grandaughter (my late husband's daughter's kid from a previous marriage) to school & soccer games. (I'm raising her since she was a month old.) And I'm working on a teaching credential to make some money beyond my retirement check.

There's a guy who really likes me who lives locally. I'm in "I don't know" phase with that.

The holidays this year are easier than last year.

[catwoman32]

Thanks Michelle and Laura. It is so nice to have someone to talk to that does really understand. I think I will have to get some medical help. I am already on anti-depressants, but I think that I am suffering the post tramatic stress disorder. I sleep fairly well for about 3-4 hours at night and then I wake up and can't go back to sleep. It is an endless cycle it seems. I do know that it will get better and I know he is in a better place. That gives me peace. It will probably be a longer road for me since I have lawyers involved because this was a homicide, but in the end I hope there will be some justice in the matter. Our family has been cheated so much by this. I appreciate all the input I receive from you all. Laura-it is true you definately find out who is really your friends in a time like this. Hope you all have a great day. Rhonda

[lauraa]

Rhonda....I hope your nite was o.k. I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering you are going thru. This is horrible. Try and find the things that comfort you. Mine is in the bath tube...I am in a place where most everyone is gone...I think there are many factors to consider when it comes to this. I believe that some people stay away because they know I am a strong woman and so therefore don't think I could use support, others use excuses like, "I haven't called because I know how busy you are", others don't know what to say, others are scared shitless that this could happen to them so they avoid me all together and some people are just plain ole selfish because "it is all about them" even in our time of need. So, that is why I mostly keep my world small so that I can cope. I have a small circle of frieddnds (mostly new)that I socialize with but for the most part it is my kids, home, etc. My therapist is tremendous in helping me and I couldn't do it without her. I hope you have a decent day if only for some moments...that is a start. Your in my thoughts and I hope you are getting good support here to help you get thru the bumps.

[medic48sgirl]

Hello, I am new here. I lost the love of my life on September 15, 2006. He was 38. My daughter (who is now 13 year old) and I moved in with him 6 years ago. We had never gotten married, though we intended to. We didn't know he was sick. Well actually I think he might of had an idea. Everything happened so fast. I took him to the local ER around 5:30 pm. By 1:00am we were in another hospital 2 hours away. He coded at 9:00pm, but they kept him alive until 1:50 am. If dealing with all that wasn't enough now his mother has taken are vehicles (leaving us nothing to drive), and intends to evict my daughter and I so she can sell the house. This is strictly for greedy purposes. There is no need for this as financially she is well off. Plus she has gotten insurance money since his death. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I cant believe he is really gone. I just miss him so much. Then the thought of loosing are home we shared together makes me feel like I am loosing him all over again. Has anyone been thru this? Any words of encouragement or advice?

[bsnurse76]

Medic48-I am so sorry to hear of your loss and the other stress you are dealing with. I have had to deal with some of the issues of cars and properties since my soulmate Darren died a month ago tomorrow. Is your name on the cars or house? Is her name on any of it? Most of Darren's real property did not have anybody's name on it with him, nor did he have a will. In that case, an estate has to be established and a personal representative has to be named to sell everything. In Darren's case, since he did not have a spouse, his estate will go to his children. You may want to talk to a lawyer, if you have specific questions. Things may vary from state to state. I would suggest if there is anything that you want like items of his that you have access to (clothing, jewelry, money, etc) You get it and put it were it can not be found. It is difficult enough to deal with the loss of your soulmate, but to deal with other factors on top of the loss can make it feel unbearable. I have realized through all of this that people can be very disrespectful and most of the time it is because they are jealous of what you had with your soulmate. I try to focus on what our relationship was to the both of us. They may be able to take the physical things, but they can't take the memories, or what you know in your heart to be true. It will be a month tomorrow. I miss him so much. This is a great place to write and also read about what others are going through. It has helped me a lot in a short period. Keep coming back. We are all here to give you support. Brandi

[susanbruce]

It's been awhile since I posted. I have just been reading for the past 2 or 3 weeks. To the newcomers, I say you have come to the right place. You will find comfort and advice here. It's also nice to know that you are not alone with your grief. You have plenty of sisters out here.

I am lonely. I will never be with another man, never date another man, let alone think about marrying someone else. As far as I am concerned, I am still married to Bruce. When I go to heaven and we find each other again, I want to be able to go back to him as though we'd never been apart. I know many of you may think I am being unreasonable, unrealistic, wacky crazy but I love him.

[medic48sgirl]

Bsnurse76- Thanks. We are in Ohio. We are still living in the house.

His name was the only one on everything. There was no will. She had herself appointed executor. I hate having to deal with things like this now. It seems so disrespectful. All I want to do is grieve. I have sure learnt who are true friends were and are. Plus I have realized people say and ask the most stupidest things. If I hear one more time that I am young I can meet someone else, I think I will scream. Thanks, Sharon

[logan12890]

Susanbruce,

i feel the same way you do...i am young though..only 17 and if do find someone beside vic, i feel as if no matter what i wouldnt be able to give them my all...my heart belongs to a man that is no longer here...i would be lying if i told someone else that i loved them..my heart went with him when he died i cant imagine being with someone else other than him...before when i would speak of death i was so scared of it, i never wanted my life to be over....now i look at it in a totally different way...that when it is time for me to go i know he will be waiting with a smile on his face..the smile on his face that he always gave me when he saw me...i know its really horrible and wrong to say but i feel like i cant wait to die, i cant wait to see him.....i understand how you feel and i dont blame you for not wanting to be with anyone else..

logan

[logan12890]

its been a really hard night.. i lie await feeling numb...i have so many emotions...my family misses him but they are done grieving...i am pissed because i cant and i dont know if i ever will...i havent had a good cry in a long time and i need one...i am surronded by my family and i dont want them to hear me cry..i wish they all could go away so i can grieve...i feel sick to my stomach thinking of him..i just want to break down, break something orhurt someone...i am such in a violent mood..i dont want to do this anymore i dont want to be here...i am tired of hearing, " i am so sorry" " things are going to get better" and the one i hate the most " i know how your feel"...NO they dont know how i feel...I wasnt expecting this, i wasnt expecting that he would kill himself.. i thought i had years to come with him...i am so angry at him..he bailed..his parents were selling his car and i wanted it so bad...i was always in his car with him, i wanted it cause i wanted to feel like he was with me...but they sold it on me...i cant breathe at times its so hard. he was my best friend my lover, he was the only one who calmed me down, and now he isnt here...and i have no one to turn to

Medic48sgirl,

i feel so sorry for you, i am going through something very similar..Vic left alot of money behind for his 2 year old daughter...and his parents are making his daughter pay 16,000 dollars for his funeral..and i know that vic would be really pissed that his parents were making her pay for that....all the money belongs to her and no one should even touch a cent of it...i dont understand why people do such things as that...wouldnt they want to do what theit child would of wanted?

logan

[shakira1975]

Sharon,

Its painful when our loved ones die and people try and make whatever we shared with them insignificant by totally ignoring the fact that we were there in theri lives, sadly until the time they passed on. nothing will ever take that away no matter how much they try to trivialise it.

i too was not married to him, but we shared everything together. i looked after him till the end. but the moment he was not there, the true feelings came out and those who had been tolerant with me before suddenly felt they didnt have to anymore. not even for his sake. i was sidelined from everything and it felt so wierd for me because i knew him better than all of them. but i chose to play the fool and watch. its all greed. thats the power of money. they took everything of his that i had with me. im even too scared to go to his place and pick up my things that are there because im not sure how they will react to me. there is so much tension its unbelievable. and his memory does not deserve this because he now seems to have been the only sane individual in his family.

i think we never get to know people for who they are until we are placed in such circumstances. i recall a time when i hated him and actually screamed at him for what i was now having to go through with his people. and i spoke to a friend about it. and before i told them i had become mad at him, they said to me, be careful because you are going to start blaming him. and precisely that had happened. it is not his fault. and these are his people. and he may never ever have been able to change them.

it hurts me till now, because i imagined me going through this time with them. we all loved him, and sharing the grief with them i thought would have made it bearable for us all. but they have chosen another route. i have put it all in God's hands. i will not fight back. after all, its all just money and possessions. i have to start afresh in a lot of aspects of my life. but i know the life he wanted for, the future he was preparing for me. and i know he will help me get there. it wont be easy but i will get there. i will make it alone.

its so amazing how they dont realise that a piece of paper could have made things all so different at this point. i wasnt yet married to him by choice. we used to plan things so well. just that they were out plans and not God's. and had i been married to him, i would be calling the shots. they just have no idea. but the ones that went know. and they watch. fear not Sharon. you shared something special. just dont tarnish it with these sad events.

Susanbruce, you are not mad. i hear you so well because i too feel the same way. i know for now thats for sure.

Lauraa, i am very lonely at the mo. i got home on friday and was in bed by 7. i switched off my mobile. woke up the next day and did not leave the house, didnt bother to bath either. i didnt get up on sunday either and i think that was ok. i have friends, but i realised that i have done more of the calling on some of them and i think at this stage it should be the other way round. i did it out of loneliness and needing just to have people around me. i ask myself what i wud do were roles reversed. i am the emotional type and possbily would over-do the caring. but i think i am alone right now. i feel it and know it. i will keep it like that. for now, the weekends are trauma so i will stay indoors. going out to those places will remind me of him. and seeing others holding hands has a bad effect on me. until a time when i can "face the world" my world will be in my bedroom. i have started reading a lot and that makes me feel better most of the time. i will be ok for now. i hope to find good friends. even just one that i know i can count on no matter what. i am praying for that one friend. i lost mine and it hurts so much.

my family think i am fine. because i try so hard for them to be strong. but i dont expect them to relate much to what im going through anyway.

have a good week ahead!

[medic48sgirl]

Shakira1975, Logan12890 & All:

Your so right I feel like they just demean / trivialize are life we shared. We were together 6 years. He meant everything to me. I to was by his side when he passed. I was the only one there holding his hand when he coded. I was the one who had to do the hardest thing ever. I had to tell him it was ok, he could let go. I had to tell him that it was all right. I don’t want you to suffer. It’s ok to let go. He was holding on, when there was no reason he should have been a live. I had been having a fear of him dying. Because of that I had all ways made him promise me that he wouldn’t leave me. I all ways said if you do, I will find you and haunt you forever. Of course he always promised me. I feel that’s why he was holding on. Once I said it was ok, and that I understood. That I would forgive him, you could slowly see the vitals slowing down. They don’t know them the way we did. They do things for their benefit & beliefs only. Everything I have done since his passing is for him. I have only done things the way he would of wanted. His mother sure can’t say that. Her line she uses all the time is well we cant talk to him so we have no way of knowing what he would of wanted. I have told her to talk with the people who actually knew him, actually spent time with him. She won’t do that. I’m sure because she knows I am right. He was the greatest man that I have ever or will ever know. He was involved in everything community service oriented. He was a Mason, Shriner, and Hillbilly, Sons of the American Legion member, Firefighter, and a Paramedic to name a few. He had saved so many lives. His mom had no clue until his funeral just what kind of a man he was. He felt that she thought he was a failure because he hadn’t went to Ohio State, he wasn’t a teacher etc. She learnt different at his funeral. There was so many people there that they had to be lined up outside. His procession was approx. 4 miles long. All you could see was fire trucks and blue shirts. I new it would be big, but had know clue how big. Two jets flew over and tipped their wings before they placed him on the fire truck that took him to his final resting place. I could go on and on about him. Like I said previously, he was an extraordinary individual. God definitely takes the best ones first. Like so many of you have said I to am waiting until the day I am in his arms again. I know it’s only been approx. 3 months but I don’t want anyone else ever again either. Once you have had the best, no one else can ever do. Like the rest of you if we could only figure out how to get thru those nights! Thanks for listing, Sharon

[bsnurse76]

A month ago at approximately this time the ambulance arrived at the hotel and took over doing CPR on the man I love, Darren. I cannot believe it has been a month. I had to drive today 3.5 hours to a clinical site. I think I must of drove and talked to him for most of the ride. It is kind of ironic that a month ago we spent 3.5 hours in a car together traveling out of town. Little did we know that would be our last car ride and long conversation together. I miss him so much. I was telling him tonight that I am trying to be strong. I know he would of wanted to be strong and move on. He would always tell me to handle what I could on my plate, get it done and move on to the next thing. He was a great man. The most nonjudgemental person I have known. He would have a conversation with anyone no matter their background. He has definitely made me a better person. On this sad day, I am grateful to know and love this wonderful man. I miss him and love him so much. Brandi

[medic48sgirl]

A month ago at approximately this time the ambulance arrived at the hotel and took over doing CPR on the man I love, Darren. I cannot believe it has been a month. I had to drive today 3.5 hours to a clinical site. I think I must of drove and talked to him for most of the ride. It is kind of ironic that a month ago we spent 3.5 hours in a car together traveling out of town. Little did we know that would be our last car ride and long conversation together. I miss him so much. I was telling him tonight that I am trying to be strong. I know he would of wanted to be strong and move on. He would always tell me to handle what I could on my plate, get it done and move on to the next thing. He was a great man. The most nonjudgemental person I have known. He would have a conversation with anyone no matter their background. He has definitely made me a better person. On this sad day, I am grateful to know and love this wonderful man. I miss him and love his so much. Brandi

Brandi,

My heart goes out to you. Your in my thoughts & prayers.

Sharon

[staceyashley2004]

It has been two months since I lost my Husband. My husband was only 33 and passed away in my bedroom. He kissed me good night which he did every night before we went to bed and then he colapsed and passed away with in 10min. To find out he had a very adnormal heart. Something I still don't understand. They say that it was not caused by what he did (like smoking, drinking or what he ate) but I still am trying to research on what causes a adnormal heart. I don't think he ever knew he had a problem. He never seemed sick or acted different. I miss him so much. We would be married three years this comming up April. And we didn't even get a chance to start our lives together. I truly do miss him. It does get a little easier as you go but it is still hard. Hard to beleive that they are no longer with you.

[staceyashley2004]

On top of loosing my husband my father also passed away from illness on May 10th of this year. It has been a really hard year. They say God only gives you what you can handle. That Is the same thing I think "with what is on your plate". We have to think that things can only get better and try to look ahead to the better days.

[susanbruce]

Logan - it doesn't matter to us if you are 97, you've lost a love. You belong here. I am 32 years older than you are but we are thinking so much alike. At such a young, young age you are facing this. I felt the same way that you did about death - feared it before and now I have no fear of it all. Take things one day at a time. Come back to us here everyday. We all help one another.

My son in law went up into the attic yesterday afternoon to get our christmas tree down. He and my daughter are borrowing it for their 1st christmas together as a married couple. I have no plans to put up a tree this year at all. Once we got the boxes down, we can't find the inside pole for the tree. What did Bruce do with it? Plus we didn't even think about the lights. Hopefully they are up there too. Bruce always did everything with the tree...

I miss him, I love him, I want him to come back. Just for one more day. I was thinking tonight on the way home, if God had given us one more day together, what would we say to each other, what would we do, who would he want to see, where would he want to go? I am going to buy the book 'One More Day' / Mitch Albon I think wrote it.

Good night all, Susan