I Miss Him So...

[jduffey]

it will be 1 month tomorrow since jeff died.  i feel so many of the same things that everyone else does.  i don't know what else to say that has not already been said.  i miss him and don't see how i can go on.  i feel like his friends and family are going to be able to be happy again and i'm going to be stuck in this nightmare forever. 

[Error username not found]

jduffey.. OMG! I KNOW!! i feel like that too! 

and to everyone. WOW! i can't believe it. There have been so many new people coming here lately..which i wish none of us ever had to be here..but it's crazy. In a few months i will hit 2 years. I remember being the new person here and looking at everyone who has hit 1 year or more and thinking "daym.. they're lucky. how the HELL am i even gonna live that long w/out him?" .. and there were people to help me feel better..and just talking about everything here made me feel good, knowing we ALL know how it really is. everyone here actually understands. But now here i am , the person who almost hit 2 years..and now i will be the one helping the new people. dont worry everyone. we may not be able to fix your problems, but it DEFF. helps.

[missque]

i know this probably sounds really stupid but i picked up my new glasses today and new frames for them. I dont wanna wear them though. My first pair of glasses i got 2 years ago- Jeremy helped me pick them out he was so excited for them because it was a turn on attraction to him. So he was really excited to pick them out with me. I remember we were joking about how if we broke up id have to get new frames cuz it would remind me of him. the thing is changing them does remind me of him and i hate it. i know it sounds random- but i just wanted to say it to someone (or all of u lol).

[carlawarla]

Superwife, I read your post and somehow I felt an immediate link with you. You're about my age I was born in 1956 and I wasa married to my baby for 33 years. How are we supposed to go on' i still don't know. Leonard slipped away on 04/07/08 almost three months but it still seems like yesterday, it still doesn't seem real. I  can't accept what happened I still can't grasp the reality of his death. It's so hard to write the word death, it's so final it slaps you right in the face. I've got two wonderful children , they're trying to help but as it happened to me when my father died it's hard to grasp the innermost feelings of a wife that lost her soulmate. I realize now that I didn't fully understand my mother's grief. I had my own family , two young children to raise, a job and MY HUSBAND.   Now as everyday that passes by makes me feel more empty I wish for my children all the happiness in the world but my world is grey and full of shadows.  I hope for you that you'll be able to find sunshine in your life, if you believe in God I envy you for I cannot. A big hug Carla

[sweetbabegirl]

I too can't grasp the feeling I have. My husband passed on May 12th, that very day I lost aprt of me, and know matter how strong I think I am, I am losing grip. He was my EVERYTHING!!! We were married for 21 years, but actually have known each other since we were 13 years old. I used to ride on the handlebars of his bike. We played all the childhood games together. We watched each other grow into mature adults. To think that it has ended???? I can't even think those thoughts.

I know everyone here has been in my shoes, and I know ya'll say it does get easier, But WHEN???????

I cry everynight just hoping to get a sign from him, I haven't felt his presence yet. It almost makes me feel that since he has passed, he has forgotten me. I know this is probably silly to even say, cuz I know he loved me dearly, but I feel a sense of unwantedness, unloved by him. I really think if I could just feel him, my grieving would get alittle easier.

Life will NEVER be the same. :-(

To all of you, I give you my biggest hugs possible.

Diana

[Error username not found]

carla and sweetbabegirl .... you guyz have the same EXACT feelings as i have. HOLY CRAP. its crazy because everyone is different..but it seems that every single one of us has felt those feeling before. its insane how different everyones situation is.. yet the same. Actually, some of the things you guys are saying is reminding me of the begg. for me. 

 and about when it will feel better.. well .. it depends on the person... i guess eventually that hole gets a lil smaller and you start to "accept him for who he is" so to speak. for me, i think ALOT less about his death.. and more about him just being around. i used to disect every second of it. Also, i realized that the ENTIRE year of 2007 is a blur to me. i CANNOT remember a fukin thing about it, and when ppl talk about 2007.. i have to think to myself "did that date even pass yet?"  honestly.. and ive said it before...  i think this process is actually about forgetting all the fuked up things and pushing everything so far into the back of your mind that you forget who the hell you are anymore. but with that, you have to work through all your feelings. But there will always be those things that make you happy.

[carlawarla]

Diana and Bacafly, no life will never be the same. It seems that the sun has permanently gone behind the clouds never to shine again. Words cannot explain the pain in my chest, the emptiness I feel. I wish I would dream him just to feel his touch again for the knowledge of living the rest of my life without feeling him again is unbearable.  He was my everything, we made plans for the future now I hate it when I see old couples walking around  it should have been us. We had our childrn when we were young because we always thought that we could raise them set them on their own path and still have time for us. Now I am facing loneliness, it doesn't matter how many people you have around you when you are missing your other half, when you sit at the dinner table and the chair in front of you is empty, when you go to bed on YOUR half and strech out in the darkness hoping he will be there, when you cannot hear his voice, when you long to be held, to be caressed, to be cuddled, when you have no more dreams when you realize that life is really not worth living.  Things will get better? I really can't see it.   Hugs Carla

[genevieve]

Today was really hard.My brother came to be with me this week for the break  I have between college terms, which helped, but now I am back to the empty house, feeling sad and lonely and everything else. Nick died on the 11 or 12 of May this year (still don't know exactly when or how), and it feels like it is getting harder and harder. I still haven't felt him with me or talked to him in dreams, and I feel like I have been deserted, which I know isn't fair because I know he didn't want to leave.  I can block it out when I'm working or around people, but it's getting harder and harder--any minute I'm alone, it comes rushing in. Last week I had to cry in the bathroom at work because a huge wave of sadness hit me when I was walking down the hall to class. I have to move apartments because my sublet is up at the end of the month and I am torn between thinking it will be a fresh change and not wanting to leave a place with memories of us together.

[susanbruce]

My heart aches for all of the new ladies here. I can so remember how I felt in April 06. Just like you describe now. Everyone does grieve differently - that is the truth. I didn't believe it when grief group sessions would tell me that you need to go thru every bit of pain so that you can heal. I was also told I had to let him go. Well I can tell  you that when people told me that I got really p...d off. I told them and myself I am never going to let him go. Never.  Earlier this year it happened, I let him go. I do know that once I did that, it was like the block of granite sitting on my heart had eased some.  It was a big step for me. I am not sure why I let him go. I was just laying in bed one night, talking to him and it just came out. I told him that I had to let him go if I was going to survive....It's been 26 months for me now. I do feel better but I went thru hell getting to this point. Family and co-workers worried about me for months, my father thought about putting me in a hospital. I told people that I wouldn't wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy. All I can say I guess is that it does get better but it's a process to get there.

To those of you are looking for signs and hoping to see him in dreams. I hoped the same things.  Best thing I could tell you is to relax and he'll come. You will know when it happens and you will love it. As far as dreams, a few months after he died, I just prayed and ask God to let him come to me in a dream.  He did shortly after that, crawled into bed with me, told me to move over and then we cuddled. I could feel his back, his arms, feel the tissue on his chest (funeral home put it there for some reason) and could smell  him.  It was wonderful. The next morning I thanked God for letting him come to me like that.  I have had a few more dreams since then.  I can just say from experience, it's not going to happen until you calm down and relax.

Everything that you all are going thru is perfectly normal. We've all been there, done that and are still doing that. My life will never be the same. I am a 51 year old widow. Weekends I see couples our age out having fun or just together and it kills me. My parents are retired together and I'll never know that. I have no interest at all in meeting some one else. I don't want to. To me it would be like cheating on him. When it's my time, he'll be there waiting for me. That's what I live for.

Coming here is very important. Just sitting here typing this out is great therapy for ME. So please keep coming back and read what others are saying. At first I was very hesitant to add a post but once I did and the others here responded, it was like I had support and understanding from people who REALLY KNOW what you are going thru. Being a widow / widower sucks, it really sucks.

Susan

 

 

 

  

[airymoon]

carla     i read your words and its like im the one talking. I can tell you i felt all that same anger your feeling. Kurt and i married when i was 18 and he died when i was 40. We also had our kids at an early age so that we would have time to ourselves when they were grown and gone. The only thing we really wanted out of life was to be parents and grandparents. Those were the 2 most important things. we were looking forward to retiring one day and now that wont happen. I would see older couples and think why not them they already have grandkids and a 50 year anniversary so why not them. Those are things i will never get to have and kurt will never have. I finally forced myself to stop thinking about the things that wont be because it was the only way i could survive this. I will tell you that didn't happen until around the 14 month mark and even then it was a conscious effort. now i think about them and the anger and sadness come but it is easier to push it aside. As for the "visits" Try not to worry about them. i think we get the when we are strong enough to handle them. My first one was hard because i was so glad to see him and then when i woke up it was like i lost him all over again. so just know that he is there and you are not abandoned he is just waiting for the right time. It has been 2 years today for me and even though it is easier i still cry myself to sleep some  nights and i still think of him everyday but what has gotten easier is thinking about him without pain. I can smile at the memories now. I also am like baca and i cant remember a lot of that first year. I  think about the holidays or certain events and im not sue they happened. I think it is a protection.

I know none of this makes it feel any better but just know you are not alone

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...I ate the first raspberries from my garden today.   I worked all day weeding and planting vegetables...the weather here has been unseasonably cool and I'm only just getting tomato plants in.   Ishaq always loved the garden and did a lot of the "grunt" work - clearing and weeding and turning, and I did the planting.  It felt good to be out working in the sun.  I always feel closest to him when I'm in nature.

I have been sleeping in the  back bedroom, and it feels good...at first it seemed strange to sleep in a differnt room than the one Ishaq and I were in for so many years, but since we had slept in that room together in the early years we were together it feels fine.  Plus it's quieter back there, not fronting the street like the other room.

I feel like I'm settling into some sort of peace in my life...I know I'll be with Ishaq again eventually, but for now I'm getting by ok.  For those of you who are new here...I know it feels like it will never get better, like you can never even breathe again, but time does provide some healing.   Maybe it's easier for me because I know Ishaq died so quickly, with no suffering, in a beautiful place on the river.   I keep trying to envision that when it's my time I can go that way too, quickly and peacefully. 

Anyway, I hope everyone had a peaceful Summer Solstice.

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

Quiet latley on here. I have been trying to sell off some the acreage in the back so that i can afford to keep paying my house and pay off other bills. The person buying it started asking about it during the first holidays after kurt died when i was very emotional and money was extremely tight. I told him what i thought i would sell it for and he said no problem. He knew how much the land meant to kurt and he wanted to help us out as well as get the land. He didnt want houses to go up on it because he knew kurt wouldn't have wanted that. He seemed sincere so I agreed and partly i agreed to get him to stop coming by once a month to see if i made up my mind yet. Now i find out that the land is worth almost twice what he is paying for it and he isnt going to keep it as it is. He is going to plant hay which means we wont be able to sled in the winter or hike it in the summer like he said we would. It also means he will make over 16,000 a year off of it. I feel like he knowingly took advantage of me and played on my emotions after kurts death to get it. Now we close tomorow and i feel like i am losing a part of kurt all over again. I have been crying since the time has been set and i want to tell kurt im sorry but i cant.

[armaiti]

I'm so sorry you have to sell the land and are going through this.   And that the guy is not keeping to his verbal agreement.  That sucks. 

You're right, it has been quiet on here.  There are so many of us that are nearing our two year marks now...and with the awful weather in the midwest, I hope everyone is doing ok.  

I'm putting up my little pool in the backyard. It's supposed to be 95 degrees this weekend.  There's all these festivities going on this weekend and next week because the Olympic track and field trials are in Eugene.  Lots of free music and events, but I'm not excited about it.  I just don't enjoy going to these things without Ishaq very much.  I prefer to go out with a girlfriend or out to a friend's land to swim in the river.  I guess I'm just getting used to being alone, which is easier, I suppose.

Hope everyone is doing ok,

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

Anna- I'm getting used to being alone too and on one hand it sucks but on the other its kinda ok. I'm not as afraid of it as i was and i kind of like that im becoming more independent. And i can do what i want without having to worry about someone else. I would gladly worry about kurt's opinion again but since i cant and he's not here i guess i just feel like i dont want to have to worry about anybody elses. maybe im just really finally accepting it

BTW Anna when is your 2 year mark? It's soon i know but i cant remember and i cant go back and read while im posting (really hate that)

[armaiti]

The day will be July 28th.  We'll be doing a Sufi gathering that night for him, which will be good, because I'll be with friends.  

[alwaysalone]

Anna,

Count your blessings that you have friends that want to celebrate Ishaq with you. It hasn't even been 3 months since Doug died and no one will even talk about him with me.  It's like they want to pretend he never existed. Every time I even mention his name, everyone gets quiet and changes the subject or just flat out walks away from me. I feel more alone now than ever. My boys graduate from high school Sunday and I definitely don't feel like celebrating. When will this nightmare end?

Kate

[airymoon]

Kate-It's the deer in the headlights look. Mostly its because friends dont know what to say and they dont want to make it worse so they react that way. Give them time

 

[rodless]

It will be 2 years for me on 7/7. Been doing a lot of thinking. I read an analogy of how your life is like a bookshelf with different volumes. The author said that you need to treat a marriage/relationship like a book and close it gently when you're finished reading knowing you can always reread favorite parts, then go on to a new book. Of course, being a librarian, that really made sense to me! I really want to start a new book.

Kate, I talk about Rod all the time and I know what you mean. I think some people are uncomfortable and think you're going to break down or something and maybe for others it is too painful to think about him being gone. I always feel better when I talk about him. It validates our relationship and how important he was in my life. I'm glad I have some friends I can do that with. Keep talking!

Otherwise I am sitting high and dry in one of the 15 out of 99 counties in Iowa that have not been declared disaster areas. What a mess and how heartbreaking the devastation is.

Mary Jo

[airymoon]

Finalyzed the land sale today.  It really sucks, I cried really hard after it was done because all the things i thought we would be able to do The buyer has changed. I asked what would happen if i backed out and she said it was up to the buyer which i figured would mean a long drawn out messy situation. So.. I guess It's really only land. not Kurt so I can let it go I was more mad that i misinterpretted him so badly and that was a first for me.

I did realize though as i type this that I am lonely.Even though I am dating I am here alone most of the time (with the kids) and tonight i really just need to be around someone to tell me it will be ok and that its not the end of the world or mostly just to know im feeling bad and put his arm around me.  I really feel his absence and i realize now that i will never get that back. It's been 2 years and 6 days you would think i would have had this break through before.I guess i did i just now put a name to it.

Oh well life is gonna suck until it doesnt anymore

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[genevieve]

Anna,

I admire how grounded you are, and hope I at least reach that stage in a few years. I know what you mean about getting used to being alone and not doing the things you used to do with him.

Nick and I had never been separated for more than 10 days until last year, when he went abroad to work--3 months at a time, then I would see him for a month or two and then 3 months gone. This started May 07. I got used to being alone, but in contact by email or phone. And I got in the habit of doing things alone and enjoying time alone.

I am grateful for this, because I think I would have gone crazy if I hadn't got used to him being away; not that 6 weeks after his death is easy, but at least I can feel a little normal to be on my own and even fool myself for awhile by not thinking about it being permanent this time. 

I have an altar at home with some of his things on it, and I add flowers and the occasional coffee or beer, which helps, since his grave is far away. I'm trying to keep a memory journal--anytime I think of a good memory, I write it down, but I think it may be too soon. Keeping as busy as I can, taking extra hours at work, doing special projects and crying whenever I'm alone or have a moment to think seems to be the routine now--I don't know when that will change.

[superwife]

Somedays i dont know how I keep going. I panited our bedroom yesterday ( with hepl of my son and his girlfriend) , but I knwo he would  hate the color. Is is darker than he liked, but  as I been told over and over I am the only one who has to like it now. and I do. I still lose it over even the small things even after 7 months. He had put  a little light in his sock drawer so he could get them without waking me and when I took it out  and told my son what it was for I started to lose it. I wish the vidieo in my head of his last few months and days would stop sunning 24/7. I miss him so much. 35 years is along time. We had a really good marriage and I am so glad . Our kids have told us over and over that they hope they can be as lucky in their marriages. That alwyas made us feel so good and proud. I knwo I am rambling.

[aprilmoonflower]

superwife- some people never find a good marriage so count yourself blessed for sure. try to celebrate those happy times even now. talking about him will help. find someone who will listen no matter what, or come here when you get sick of hearing yourself talk.

but, I know what you mean about the replaying. I did that for a long long time. maybe 18-22 months? especially about the  accident and how it looked,, afterwards for the viewing, cremation,etc. (I did not see those things, just imagined them over and over for a long long time every way possible) there were pictures released to the family that I heard about that stirred my imagination too, (gross but reality!) Just let it happen. If you can distract yourself though a little bit when it seems obsessive and excessive, sometimes that helps (going for a walk, etc) Eventually you will get to the point where you will move past it. You won't be thinking about those things forever, though it may seem like a long time in reality. it is. the good news is it's normal. you are not losing it. just deep in the throes of grief. healing will happen, slowly but surely but it's along, long road.

i read something the other day (or maybe I actually wrote it myself, can't remember?lol)

"grief is love defined,

love is life defined."

Becky- so sorry you had such a rough time with this. ugh. at least now you can try to move past it. though I know it hurts as the land is in the back of your property right?

Linda- how are you? I  have been thinking of you alot.

Anna- the journals shipped today! woohoo!

[missyouhoney811]

Superwife, I also was with my husband for 35 years.  We were married for 31 years when he died but together for 35.  He will always be my soulmate no matter where my walks in life take me.  I still have his pictures throughout the house...My favorite picture of him I have a candle (electric) that has been on since 8/11/06.  I always have fresh flowers by that picture.  I still talk to him as though he were still here with me in his human form.  He will always be in my heart no matter where I go.  After his death I had the entire house painted with dark colors.  He always liked white walls. The walls now are red, dark almond, navy blue, gray.  I would like to know what he thinks of my color choices.  It looks good.

I will be on the cruise on 8/11 (The Big Second Year).................I plan on releasing his balloons while out in the ocean. 

Ladies, I still do Zumba 6 to 7 days a week.  I can't wait to go to my physician on monday for my check up.  My weight loss is at 33 pounds since I was last in his office.  I am feeling great. 

Talk to you all later.............getting ready for 4:00 PM Mass.

Blessings

Dorothy

[genevieve]

Oh, god, this really sucks. One of my friends is leaving Seattle and had a small goodbye party at a coffee shop this afternoon--I met a lot of interesting people, and good conversation...then anytime someone asked me used to live, I couldn't shut thoughts of Nick out. I had to say goodbye and leave after less than an hour.

I'm so tired of dreading getting home, crying every night, not knowing what is going to bring it back to me--it's only been six weeks and I know it's just the start. I can't stand this.

Sorry, just had to vent to people who understand.

Genevieve

[alwaysalone]

Genevieve,

I know how you feel. I never know what is going to bring it back for me. Sometimes a song on the radio, last night it was a line from a movie I was watching. I guess the trick is to try to remember the happy stuff when it brings it back.

Focus on the good memories when you can, it makes them come more often than the sad thoughts when you think of him.

Kate

[justkaren2]

Genevieve:

My heart breaks for you.  Six weeks is no time at all and I think you are doing great.  There is absolutely no way I could have gone to any gathering of any sort in those early weeks after Richard's death.  The most I could do was to pull it together enough to go to work.  So, I applaud your strength. 

I know what you mean about having to leave.  You go places thinking you can handle it..thinking it will be good for you...and then you are blindsided by emotion or some memory.  I always get upset with myself because I do not want to ruin anyone's good time.  I do not want to impose my grief upon them.  But we do have to move forward with life and face all of these 'firsts' and all of these emotions, so I feel those moments are unavoidable if we are to learn how to live without our loved ones.

It has been a little over one year for me now, and I do not have any words of wisdom for you.  But I can tell you that it will get better.  Truly, it will.  You will find your way.  This board was my life-line.  I didn't and still don't post often, but I read all of the time, especially after a really rough day.  In the beginning, I did post a bit and the replies from the people on this board gave me so much comfort, but the best thing is that they gave me hope.

I hope you find some solace here.

I think, in retrospect, the best advice I received was to take care of myself because my body was in emotional shock and I couldn't eat or sleep, which meant I couldn't cope.   So, Take Care of Yourself!

And this is why I don't post.  I get carried away and I ramble

Karen

[justkaren2]

Genevieve:

My heart breaks for you.  Six weeks is no time at all and I think you are doing great.  There is absolutely no way I could have gone to any gathering of any sort in those early weeks after Richard's death.  The most I could do was to pull it together enough to go to work.  So, I applaud your strength. 

I know what you mean about having to leave.  You go places thinking you can handle it..thinking it will be good for you...and then you are blindsided by emotion or some memory.  I always get upset with myself because I do not want to ruin anyone's good time.  I do not want to impose my grief upon them.  But we do have to move forward with life and face all of these 'firsts' and all of these emotions, so I feel those moments are unavoidable if we are to learn how to live without our loved ones.

It has been a little over one year for me now, and I do not have any words of wisdom for you.  But I can tell you that it will get better.  Truly, it will.  You will find your way.  This board was my life-line.  I didn't and still don't post often, but I read all of the time, especially after a really rough day.  In the beginning, I did post a bit and the replies from the people on this board gave me so much comfort, but the best thing is that they gave me hope.

I hope you find some solace here.

I think, in retrospect, the best advice I received was to take care of myself because my body was in emotional shock and I couldn't eat or sleep, which meant I couldn't cope.   So, Take Care of Yourself!

And this is why I don't post.  I get carried away and I ramble

Karen

[justkaren2]

Genevieve:

My heart breaks for you.  Six weeks is no time at all and I think you are doing great.  There is absolutely no way I could have gone to any gathering of any sort in those early weeks after Richard's death.  The most I could do was to pull it together enough to go to work.  So, I applaud your strength. 

I know what you mean about having to leave.  You go places thinking you can handle it..thinking it will be good for you...and then you are blindsided by emotion or some memory.  I always get upset with myself because I do not want to ruin anyone's good time.  I do not want to impose my grief upon them.  But we do have to move forward with life and face all of these 'firsts' and all of these emotions, so I feel those moments are unavoidable if we are to learn how to live without our loved ones.

It has been a little over one year for me now, and I do not have any words of wisdom for you.  But I can tell you that it will get better.  Truly, it will.  You will find your way.  This board was my life-line.  I didn't and still don't post often, but I read all of the time, especially after a really rough day.  In the beginning, I did post a bit and the replies from the people on this board gave me so much comfort, but the best thing is that they gave me hope.

I hope you find some solace here.

I think, in retrospect, the best advice I received was to take care of myself because my body was in emotional shock and I couldn't eat or sleep, which meant I couldn't cope.   So, Take Care of Yourself!

And this is why I don't post.  I get carried away and I ramble

Karen

[justkaren2]

oops...sorry about that.  Thought it wasn't taking my post, so I kept trying.  Sorry, folks!

[Error username not found]

ALL OF US RAMBLE!! lol.. i know how it feels to be the one rambling, but thats what we're all here for. i had some things to say but im not up for writing it. but heres a poem that i found that COMPLETELY describes us:

 

To One In Sorrow

Let me come in where you are weeping, friend,

And let me take your hand.

I, who have known a sorrow such as yours, can understand.

Let me come in--I would be very still beside you in your grief;

I would not bid you cease your weeping, friend,

Tears bring relief. Let me come in--and hold your hand,

For I have known a sorrow such as yours, And understand.

[align=center]

-Grace Noll Crowell

[/align]

[justkaren2]

That is so beautiful, bacafly!

[aprilmoonflower]

Genevieve- you only need to worry about getting through today. (((hugs))) one day I promise it won't hurt so bad (there are many of us here that are a testament to that!)

[armaiti]

Genevieve, I agree with April...just getting through one day, or even one minute, is the best you can do right now.  This is so early for you.  It does get easier.  I'm one month away from my two year anniversary.  At six weeks I could barely breathe or remember things...just take "baby steps" is what a close friend and spiritual teacher told me.

[justkaren2]

I do not know why I am having such a hard time now.  It is more than one year.  I was finally able to go into my garden, which I have not entered since Richard died, because we spent so much time there.  I felt as though he was there in every leaf that I cleared...little memories when I found things in the dirt that had been covered.  A plastic easter egg, so meaningless that it was forgotten back in the day, but it brought back a rush of memories of a happier time.  I loved him so much and he loved me back just as much.  A miracle, to be sure.

I no longer am trying to "move forward with life", but want to embrace every memory.  Is this what they mean when they say the second year is the most difficult?

A friend (a male) told me that I am "f..ked up for life".  His words rang true.  The love I found was a miracle.  Does a miracle only happen once in a lifetime?  Am I to yearn and mourn forever until the day I die and we meet again?

I think I am finally beginning to accept that fact.  And, you know what?  It sucks!  It sucks big time.  I should count myself grateful to have known such a great love, but "why?"  Why couldn't I have had him for just a little longer? 

He comes to me in my dreams every night now.  I feel him.  In my dreams, he is alive.  We slept cuddled up every night.  I told him that was how I wanted to die.  He was younger than me and we both thought I would be the first to go.  So he comes to me and cuddles me and comforts me in my sleep.  And then I wake...only to go through the motions of another day.  I just wish I didn't have to wake up.

[genevieve]

Thank you all so much--this helps more than you know. well, you all probably do know.  I needed to hear all those things, and I feel a little lighter for reading them.

Love, light, and peace,

Genevieve

[armaiti]

Karen, that is a tremendous gift, that he comes to you every night.  Ishaq comes to me too, but not every night.  What I feel now is that there is a kind of door we pass through when we leave our bodies, and some of us can pass back and forth through this door while we still are in our bodies or even after we leave them.  Ishaq is one who can do this, and your partner as well it seems.  It does get easier to live without their physical presence, and knowing Ishaq in his "new" form has been an amazing experience for me.  As for someone telling you that you are "f**cked up for life", well, he doesn't sound like much of a friend to me, if he'd say that to you.  I certainly don't feel that I'm "f-ed up for life".  And I know it is a bit different for me, because if Ishaq had lived longer, his death would not have been the easy, beautiful last breath in the river while laughing, it would have been in a hospital from kidney failure.  So I have come to a place of gratitude that he was able to pass from physical existance without suffering, and to be grateful for the gift of those ten and a half years, and of the lessons he is teaching me now. 

I feel like I lead two lives - the one in the dreamspace with Ishaq, and the physical one.  I believe I can live both and find harmony between the two.  But it has taken me almost two years to come to this place of peace.  You've made it through your first year, the second is both easier in some ways and harder in some ways. 

Becky, I hope you are doing better.  I'm so sorry about the land thing and what you have had to go through. 

Linda, I think of you every day and am sending you love and light.

And April, I love the new picture!

Ishaq's son and daughter in law are coming down for a visit this weekend and I'll get to meet our granddaughter for the first time.  I'm really looking forward to that. 

Hope everyone is having a peaceful evening,

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

hey all....

just reading all the posts and wishing i could read and write at the same time, very frustrating.

i have been going thru my old, started about 2 1/2 weeks after tom died.

it has been really hard....i'd forgotten a lot, and in reading them all the feelings come right back up. it's weird....i just am right back in that place. tonite...just now, i finished 1 year.....

so strange.

and i know how far i've come and how differently i feel now....

but the way it brought me right back there...amazing. as if no time had passed.

i wonder if that was wehat karen's friend was referring to....in some way we are f%ed up for life, because we will always have this to live with. it colors everything we do, our lives have been changed. and while thigs get so much better....it's always there.

anyway...

i love you all....and can't respond to everyone, but just haven't been able to be on while i'm doing this reading.

linda....you know i'm thinking about you, as we all are....check in when you get a chance.

genevieve...it will get better, i promise it too...even after this post. the pain is so much less immediate, unless i'm doing something like reading old journals! lol!

peace,

michele

[laquinn]

Hi everyone I haven't been writing alot been busy working, but I do read when I have time. In 11 days I will reach 9 months wow the time has flowen by but I still am missing him alot seems more the past couple of weeks. I went and listened to the band that was playing at work the other night and they played our song and for the first time I was able to sit and listen to it all the way through without having to go outside. And I remembered the last time we danced to it and it brought a smile to my face and the girls at work knew what I was thinking about and it was a really good feeling. I had my first dream of him last night it was like he was right there with me but when I woke up the bed was empty.  

Linda been thinking about you and hope you are doing ok. Anna glad you are staying busy and I am hoping that when I hit that 2 year I will be as active as you. Mary Jo are you doing ok now that the rain has stoped for now? Dorthy have fun on your upcoming trip I so wish I could go on a vacation. And the rest of you sending hugs to you and hope all is well.

Good night Lela

[laquinn]

Hi everyone I haven't been writing alot been busy working, but I do read when I have time. In 11 days I will reach 9 months wow the time has flowen by but I still am missing him alot seems more the past couple of weeks. I went and listened to the band that was playing at work the other night and they played our song and for the first time I was able to sit and listen to it all the way through without having to go outside. And I remembered the last time we danced to it and it brought a smile to my face and the girls at work knew what I was thinking about and it was a really good feeling. I had my first dream of him last night it was like he was right there with me but when I woke up the bed was empty.  

Linda been thinking about you and hope you are doing ok. Anna glad you are staying busy and I am hoping that when I hit that 2 year I will be as active as you. Mary Jo are you doing ok now that the rain has stoped for now? Dorthy have fun on your upcoming trip I so wish I could go on a vacation. And the rest of you sending hugs to you and hope all is well.

Good night Lela

[justkaren2]

Anna:

I've been reading your posts for a long time now.  You have got to be the kindest, most giving person I have ever known.

You have a gift, always finding the right thing to say.

It is easy to see why Ishaq has found a way to continue to communicate with you.

Thank you for giving so much of yourself on this board.  It helps more than you could possibly know.

Karen

[missque]

So i havent posted in a while but I've been reading lots. Jus been to sad to write. TOmorrows my birthday and I'm not sure what to do. It will be my second one without him. But like how can i celebrate and have fun when all i can think about is how much i miss him? I thought i was doing better but it seems lately my hearts been rbaking even more... I cant help to think about him because he was sooo sweet i can only imagine the things he would have done to help me celebrate.

[lindat]

I'm here, haven't been on since Jim left a week ago.   Too hard last week, but I missed you guys.   I am half way thru radiation and it sucks but I can see the daylight at the end of the tunnel.  The 29th of July, after radiation is done, I am leaving to drive to MS to see my daughter - that is giving me something to look forward to for now.    Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, Linda xoxox

[sweetbabegirl]

 I just can't let go and don't plan on it either.

Sorry, it's only been since may 12th, that my husband passed away, and I am already hearing the, you're gonna make it, things will be ok, you just have to let go!! Let go....of what?? If I could have laid there and held him longer I would have. I didnt want to let go. Now all I have is what's in my heart and all the great memories we made together. I am not letting those go!

Again sorry for the balst of anger, I just needed to vent.

I find my hardest time is after work, and again crawling into the empty bed. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I talk to him, write him letters and keep a journal.  My only request was to feel his presence, or to get a sign from him. Well the strangest thing happened, not just once but twice, and when I tell people about it they look at me like I am nutz. Here's what happened and you tell me if I am in need of a straight jacket.

Last Friday my husbands parents and sister came down for the weekend. As I got home from work I check the answering machine as I do every day. There were 7 messages....5 were hang ups, 2 were sales calls.

The I checked my caller ID and there it was....at 1:02 pm and again 3:55pm a call was made from my house to my house. I took the phone and showed all the family. Ok Im thinking how can this happen??? So me being the one who wants proof calls the phone company and they tell me it can NOT be done.

Then again last night I was on the phone with my mom, we hear this wierd noise and then joked about it being Ray. We hung up and then I logged onto my computer and wow....at the exact time I was talking to my mom a call came in from my house to my house again. I have call waiting and it never beeped. I am now shaking, hair on my arms is standing up and I call my mom back to tell her.....she's like....yup it is Ray and he's trying to call you.

OK...so am I nutz??? Has anyone else had this happen?

I have prayed and asked for a sign, but I never intended it would be a call. Now if I can only get him to call when I can actually answer it and hear his voice.

Thank you guys for letting me rant and rave and tell my story. I needed to explode.

Diana

[rodless]

I keep up with reading posts. Just don't have a lot to say I guess - some people would be amazed at that! Two years on Monday. Finally starting to function pretty well on a day to day basis. At least I don't wake up every morning with my first thought being that Rod is gone and I'm able to concentrate most of the time at work. So I guess I'm better??? Get kinda down when I think about the years ahead, but I knew when I married him that I would probably end up alone as he was 15 yrs. older. Just thought we'd have a little more time than we did. But so does everybody.

Mary Jo

[airymoon]

Anna-yes things are better.I am not going to let th land thing bother me any more because it gives the buyer way too much power over me. The other reason is this.... The biggest thing that bothered me is that kurt would always watch for deer in the field. After everything was final that night i apologized to him all night i hated that if we see deer it wont be in "our field" any more. Then, the last two nights i came home after dark and there in my front yard at the apple tree was a big beautiful deer the second night there were two. Maybe coincidence maybe not.

Which brings me too the next post. During the first month after kurt died my mom was really thinking about him and missing him and  her phone rang, It was kurts cell number. She answered it thinking it was me using his phone but noone was there. I didn't have his phone. 2 days later my youngest son had taken his dad's phone and while it was in his bedroom and my oldest was in there the phone lit up and his phone rang. My hhusbands phone had speed dialed my sons phone.   The thing is the first time when my mom had gotten the call i had rearranged the speed numbers on the phone and the number that was hers was my oldest sons previously. Those of you who have been here a while should remember that my oldest and his dad had an argument the night before his dad died and hadn't gotten to talk to each other to smooth things over before he died. So no I dont think you need a straight jacket. I think you may have gotten a signal that he is doing ok or as my mom says he arrived safely and is ok. 

[alwaysalone]

Almost 3 months - I have been doing fine until today and all of a sudden I'm back to square one.  I feel like sh-- and I don't know how to keep going on.  This really sucks.  I wonder who in the cosmic world I pissed off to earn this life of mine. It must have been impressive....

Kate

[lindat]

Lost everything in Katrina - August '05

Terry died - January 17 '06

Homeless and spouseless since then

November '07 Breast cancer diagnosis

Jan '08 lumpectomy

January 17 - present - chemo and radiation

It is all about making lemonade out of lemons, sometimes you have the stuff to make it and sometimes you don't.   How do you go on???  Who knows, but all of us know that you take one day at a time, one minute at a time and you  B R E A T H E very slowly.  You go on because that is what our guys want us to do, they can't so we must.   We are good to ourselves, most of the time, because we know that is what they would be doing if they were here and we want to honor them.  If it was up to us, we would have joined them yesterday, but we know what that would do to the ones we would leave behind so we don't.   Every day, every month, every year gets a little easier, but it never gets easy.   The pain fades little by little, but it never really goes away.    My first thought used to be of the last minutes of his life - almost a flashback, now I think of the happy times first.   It will never be easy and it will never go away, but if I could start all over tomorrow with our first date - oh hell yeah, bring it on.

[mishknit]

you know linda...

you are seriously such an inspiration, and i know you won't want to hear that, but your resiliance and optimism and resourcefulness is amazing, and a guiding light for all of us here on this bb and certainly in your life.

a tribute to terry and an amazing showing of who you are......

we all have our things, we've all been thru a wringer, but....

thanks for being here and posting.

sending you my usual thoughts, hugs and love....

and the same to all on this bb. we are all pretty amazing in our own right.

and anna, i explained the ancestor table (well, at least my version of it) to someone today who is making use of it....

we all learn so much from each other.....

whether we've been here 2 years or two months....

this is a pretty amazing place.

peace,

michele

[justkaren2]

Kate:

You are not being punished!  Feeling that way, searching for the reasons, is just part of the process of grieving.  But you made me think: If hardened criminals had to face the pain that we face, they would never commit another crime!

We all want to know the answer to the question "Why?" 

I'm a pretty moral person. Sure, I've committed sins and I am far from perfect, but I don't think God took a look at me and said "Hey, Karen needs a lesson" and took Richard from me.  I think it is more likely that God sent him my way (our meeting was so happenstance and a miracle in itself) to teach me what real love is.  Sort of a cruel irony...I finally figured it out or "learned the lesson" and he was gone within a few months after that.  Why?  I don't know.  but I don't think it was to pnish anyone.

I'm falling asleep writing this, but Kate, it has only been 3 months.  I promise it will get better, definitely not the same as it was before, but the pain will not be as severe all of the time.

Take good care of yourselves,

Karen                                

[missque]

todays my birthday and i have no jeremy to celebrate with it makes me miss him so much.