I Miss Him So...

[mishknit]

you all know what a bad typist i am....

"dad" helped him with his schoolwork...but you all knew that.

one day i'll learn how to type,

for now i'll be a thorn in everyone's side!

peace,

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Michele- go to the loss of partners forum.  (click the link above) it's a thread not an actual forum!

[Error username not found]

anyway...

how is everyone doing?

[aprilmoonflower]

stressed out.

[missque]

sad- 1 year coming up

[eventually]

Haven't been on in awhile....No energy or very busy. Probably a good thing.  B's been gone 9 months and 2 days.  I feel worse now.  Maybe cause I'm sick and he's not here to take care of me. Maybe cause its sinking in.  A part of me was hoping I was miraculously pregnant...lol.  Ah, this is so hard.  I'm starting to wish I would never wake up in the the morning.  And when morning comes.......Bleh.  Sorry didn't mean to drag you all down.  I hope you all and I are faring better tomorrow...

Peace,

Mishi

 My sweetie and me.

[armaiti]

Optimistic...I gardened a lot yesterday and got the back patio cleaned up and one whole garden plot weeded and planted.  I was overwhelmed by the amount there is to be done...but by taking it in pieces, one day at a time, it has become manageable.

[Error username not found]

eventually.. thatz a really nice picture. you're really pretty and you guys make a cute couple.

miss.. i know how you feel..but when it comes you will probably be calm..it's weird.

and everyone .. hope you all feel better.

[Error username not found]

 good anna.. i know how that is. sometimes its fun to do things like that because once you're finished you can be like.. ahhhh.. i did it. lol..

[missque]

Baca- I probably will be calm only because i will be drinking a lot that weekend- im going back north for the weekend (its a long weekend here in canada) one of the biggest ones so it hsould be a good time. last year everyone drank for the weekend and we light off fireworks in their memory so we're gonna re-do it this year... the boys wouldnt want us sad they would want us out having fun and we all know that. so im just looking forward to goign away for the wekeend- except that will be the weekend i also officially move home

[airymoon]

miss when is the one year date? its almost 2 years for me. 22months  17 days. i dont always count but sometimes it just hits me. The day before was harder than the actual day and the week after was really hard. I think i was in the- ok now what. i made it one year and it will be all better- frame of mind. Then i realized **** i have to do this all over again and again but it got easier to deal with as the second year went by. I still have rough times and for some reason that even i dont know about i slept with his picture in bed next to me for 2 weeks and last week i cried my self to sleep not just tears but that gut wrenching cry. His pic is not on my bed now and i dont know where it went but im not trying to find it either so i guess i dont need it this week. just strange the way the ups and downs still come even if they are not as often

I am thinking about selling my house and getting an apartment. It would be so much easier than keeping up the house we built to raise kids and grandkids in. but then i think of someone else living here and i dont know if i can do it.

Becky

[aprilmoonflower]

Becky- I am starting to think about selling my house too (Though it won't be for awhile as it needs TONS of work before I could put it on the market) also I have not done probate and it's a big mess. Basically, we are stuck here for now..blah!

 

Now I am considering Vermont. LOL. I don' know if I could deal withmud season though! But I kind of miss the east coast (though I alsolov the west coast too) I am torn! I'd go to Colorado but it's so darn expensive!

 

[airymoon]

If i could move anywhere i wanted I think It would be South Carolina or

arizona. Im not sure why Arizona i've never been there i just think I would like it. My kids are older though and I dont want to uproot them yet. But maybe one day i will 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[rodless]

I would move to the Black Hills area of South Dakota...the smell of pines, the beautiful blend of prairie and mountains, the creeks. 

[missque]

Found out today that I got denid from my school for teachers college- so I'm not in anywhere thus no idea what to do in Sept. Feelin really down...

[rodless]

So sorry, miss, but you'll find your way. There must be a different plan for you in the grand scheme of things. Hang in there!

[armaiti]

Miss, so sorry to hear you didn't get in.  It's so strange that it's so hard to get in up there, in the US there's a shortage of teachers so they are always trying to get folks to go to school for it.  Any thought of coming to the US to go to school?

As for moving, I don't think I ever want to leave Oregon. I think it's the most beautiful place on earth.

I'm off to chop down some more weeds...

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm sorry Miss, that just sucks., Maybe this happened for a reason though? maybe something great is going to happen for you somewhere else. I know that doesn't help, but something to think about. (((many hugs to you)))

[mishknit]

oh mis...

i am so sorry, sweetie.

someone said that the US is always looking for teachers...maybe??

i can't say maybe there;s a reason because, as we all know, we heard that WAY too many times before....

all i can say is that i know something good will happen for you, you're smart, you'll figure it out.

and as much as you hate living at home, perhaps thats the place to be now, so you don;t have to worry about bills, etc, and can just figure this one out.

take care,

peace,

michele

[airymoon]

miss  see if you can transfer to the us its not that hard to get into classes to be a teacher here.  I know there are also scholarships for immigrants (sorry i dont know how else to phrase it) Ive met many people from other countries who were going to school here on full ride scholarships. In the mean time are there other classes you can take? What level of teaching do you want to go into? There is a shortage of teachers her but not at all levels and not all states. Pre-school and early elementary are always filled but middle school and high school need teachers and special education teachers are needed. Im not thinking that you would teach here neccesarily but if you got your degree here than maybe  transfer back to canada or at least you may only need a few classes to transfer back. If this is your dream miss than you can make it happen.

My boyfriend showed me what he got his ex-wife for mothers day from his daughter and i started crying because i realized AGAIN that there would be nobody to take my kids shopping. Its not that i want the gifts i could just take them its that kurt always made it such a big deal that it was fun for the whole family. I know my kids miss that kind of stuff he did for them and others, It was always such a big production .

 Uggghhhh----its been almost two years when is this going to end

[mishknit]

becky...

perhaps your boyfriend should take your boys to get you a mothers day present....

that would be a nice gesture on his part..

i'm just saying..

peace,

michele

(meanwhile...i'll get nothing again this year from my son..oh well)

[airymoon]

Last year when he was going through his divorce and we were just friends he took my daughter and a picture and framed it for me. but its the production of it that they miss and i miss taking them for his gift. If it were to become serious it would get to the point id hope 

[missque]

anna- i have thouht aout buffalo (just the best route for ontarians because new york state works closly with the ontario federatin of teachers- either way ive missed sept so it wouldnt be until Dec/Jan.... Still a lot to think about and right now I just wanna be sad and depressed- next weeks is the 1 year- just didnt wanna have to deal with this in the same span of a week...not yo mention i saw a pretty bad car accident today on my way to work- stirred up a lot of feelings

[airymoon]

miss i am so sorry about all of that.  If you need to be sad than go be sad and when your ready for a lifeline to pull you back reach out we are here for you. Maybe the time off is a good thing you could work full time and save some money and then still go to school in buffalo but you wouldnt need to live at home. just take some time right now and do what you need to do. you dont have to figure it all out now

[missyouhoney811]

I put John's saddle on his headstone yesterday.  Today I put flowers on my mother's grave and also went back to John's to spread out a seeded pad of wild flowers that attract Butterflies.  Last night I went to the Butterfly class at the farm.  It was very interesting I can't believe how many people are into Butterflies.  As we were leaving we all received a live butterfly in a packet we were to release it either at the farm or at home.  I released it at home.  I carry a picture of John's Butterfly..............I showed it to the person in charge of class because I have always wanted to know what type of Butterfly I had.  She had no idea but stated it was not from this area.  I got her e-mail address because she wanted a picture so she could do a study on it.  I always said it was a Butterfly from heaven.....This lady runs a Butterfly farm in PA.....

Sunday, Mothers Day will be 21 months for my John..........My son will be taking me out.  I told him I wanted to go to the Race Track in Washington, PA........so thats where we are going.

I have to get ready and go to my 5:30 Zumba Class....

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

I watched "PS I Love You" last night and had a major meltdown.  Probably should have know the movie would affect me like that.  I was amazed though, of how TRUE the character of the widow was...I so identified with her (right down to her love of shoes).  Whoever wrote this had to have gone through a major loss of a love because they got it right. 

I was in bed later talking to Ishaq, telling him how much I miss him and crying and just wanting him there to hold me.  My youngest cat, the wild one, was on his side of the bed.  I said to Ishaq "if you are here, tell her to come snuggle with me because I need to snuggle with something right now." and right after I said that Mckenzie gets up, walks over to me and crawls under the covers to snuggle - just like Ishaq had told her to do that.  She doesn't come when called.  It was amazing.  I know he's here - he has a bond with this little cat he sent me to keep me occupied after he died. 

So today I feel better.  It's nasty out though, cold and overcast, but I'm still going to do some gardening.  My friend from So. Cal is coming up for my birthday and she and I will have a great time. 

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Anna

I saw that movie in the theater and understand the meltdown. I hesitated to go to it in public but I was with 3 friends who were also widowed so it was ok. It was funny how we each picked up on a different part of it to relate to. 22 months yesterday. I hope the day comes when I stop counting. 

Animals are funny things. I was having my own meltdown Tuesday night and my dog kept trying to get on my lap..something she never does. It's like they know we need them.

I hope things go better for you in the next days.

Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Thanks, Mary Jo, I just got done doing a bunch of work in the garden, and am about to put a bid on some turquoise Manolos...so I'm feeling a lot better today.

...and probably I'm one of the few people who relates to the line in the movie about her shoes "I need to put them away or they'll think I don't love them.."  LOL!

[mishknit]

anna..

turquiose manolos....

i am just enjoying that so much!

hope you win them....

peace,

michele

[airymoon]

hi all- lately its been harder and harder for me. I just miss kurt so much. Its hard for me to remember his voice and his laugh. Dont get me wrong it has gotten easier than the beginning but lately i've been sliding backwards and i cant seem to stop. How can I be dating someone and still miss him so much. I know logically how but it just shocks me how this all seems to play out and how messed up i feel lately. How can i be so split into two different people. I thought i would be past these days and nights but it keeps coming.  I hate this  I hate that my kids are going through this I hate that I cant fix it

Damn it

 

[armaiti]

 I think even if you are dating, you still love Kurt, so of course you miss him!  And the sneaker waves just keep coming.  It sucks for sure.  I'm sorry you are having a hard time.

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

it's that push pull thing.....

we want our loves, but they're gone, so we see someone else, but they don't measure up, and they certainly aren't our kids dads.....

it does suck.

and somehow, someway we have to make some sense of it, some peace with it, or we go crazy.

i just sent out an email to a group of people that we were thiscloseto.....

and we're scattered now. and frankly, tom was one of the biggest pieces of glue.....that was his job..the glue. and i sent an email saying, whoever, we don't ALL have to be together...whoever can come have dinner in a couple of weeks...

because i miss everyone, and things change, and we have to deal.

and we deal by whatever means are necessary.

things change.

things have changed in such a bad way.

and life goes on for all of us, whether we like it or not.

peace,

michele

[eventually]

Miss- I’m thinking of you as your 1 year approaches.  I’m so sorry about school.  I know we don’t know each other well, but I will be thinking of you. (HUGS)

 

Baca-  Thank you.  I really liked the picture of you that you posted,  I know it’s a little late, but I procrastinate a lot….

 

Airymoon   ((((BIG HUGS))))

 

I hope everyone else is doing okay/ having non-bad days

 

I bought the movie P.S I Love You.  I haven’t watched it yet….Kinda afraid cause I’m not ready for a melt down. I’m actually having a okay day.  J  But all the people I have talked too like it.  Maybe…this weekend….after I go shopping , I have a job interview next week and I’m so excited...Really hating my current job.  It’s sad cause B was always the first person I told things to and I can’t turn to him now.  How is it that the littlest things are the hardest...so  sorry I’m rambling. 

 

Mary Jo-   My  puppy the same way when I have a meltdown or just sad.  She always jumps up and licks my face.  Sometimes even when I’m just thinking about B she’ll want to jump on my lap.  I always thought she just sensed my sadness, but maybe B was telling me he was there. 

 

Wednesday morning an odd thing happened it was 6:00 or so in the morning I just took Sassy, my puppy outside.  And I was in bed I felt the compress like someone just sat down by my legs at the foot of the bed.  I thought it was the dog but she was on the other side and I brush it with my hand and no one was there.  Again I was half asleep and I though it could be B but I didn’t really feel his presence.  And at 6:30 mom and dad woke up to a train whistle.  B loved all trains and he was an engineer… We have no trains where I live all the tracks are ripped up.  I didn’t hear it…..Again I’m rambling… I feel better writing it down though…Sorry I took up so much space…I better get back to work.

~Mishi

[laquinn]

Just wanted to drop a line and see how you all are doing? I have made the final preparations for next Thursday (National Police Day) my family and his and some of the guys from the pd and friends are meeting at the cemetary to release ballons. I have ordered 52 for how old he was when he passed. I have also gotten Tshirts for his end of watch that will be ready Thursday. We are doing this at 5 after the kids get off of work so if you would like you can all say a pray with us at the same time.We used to go to all the ceramonies that were in the area so this year will be different.  

I think I am doing alittle bit better the past couple of days I still miss him alot. Found out that my daughter in law might be having twins will know for sure next week. But at the sametime their oldest who is on life support is not doing so well. They were told that they need to decide what they want to do if his heart should stop. And they don't know what to do and I can't make the decision for them so they are going to talk to someone before they do.

It's is cold and rainy here today I hate this weather want the sun to come out and warm it up. Sorry for ramblin just wanted to tell someone whats going on here since Randy is not here to talk to.

Lela 

[armaiti]

I worked a lot in the garden today, then rode my scooter downtown (in heels, Michele!) to  take myself out to dinner.  I sat in the outside seating at one of my favorite restaurants, and I was the only one out there, so it felt ok.  Sometimes, if I go out alone and there are happy couples around, it's so hard.  I keep thinking "why not us?".  Anyway, I'm back home now, a girlfriend is coming by later to watch The Golden Compass with me.   I'm actually thinking of posting something to one of the personals sites, not for romance, but just to maybe find a widower who could be a friend, someone to go out to dinner with or to a concert.  I wonder if there are men who aren't wanting "more" like that...

[Error username not found]

hmm.. anna.. i hope so. who knows though. eh.. its worth a try. anyway i watched P.S. I Love You last night and i have a few things to say. yeah.. i did get reminded..and cry at some points.. but that guy "friend" of hers was a complete asshole and i would never even consider talking to someone like that.. and also...never in my life have i ever laughed that hard while watching a movie as i did when she was in the kitchen in ireland with that guy. i have no idea why..but i just thought it was really funny. anyway.. ill tty all later. Goodnight.

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- LOL @  riding the scooter in heels!

Miss- you should look into Buffalo! It's a great city!  well if you can stand the winters that is!

 

[alwaysalone]

Miss,

Definitely try Buffalo - I graduated from UB and waas in school with a couple of commuters from Ontario. Thinking and planning for the future are very healthy things to be doing (that's a direct quote from my therapist). One foot in front of the other, day by day...

Love,

Kate

[alwaysalone]

Ok - tell me I haven't finally lost my mind. I think I had my first 'ADC' last night. I was waking up during the night (I wake up 5 or 6 times regularly) and I felt his hands touching mine. It was different from the way we held hands, but he touched my fingers like he would - gently exploring, incredibly sensual. I tried to grab hold but he slipped away.  I was so excited I hardly slept the rest of the night.

A great Mother's Day gift.

Kate

[missque]

april- coming from northern canada for school buffalo isnt that much different lol i can handle it

happy mothers day all

[armaiti]

Kate, that's wonderful!  No, you aren't losing your mind.  A lot of us have had these types of communications from our beloveds.

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Well, I put up a profile on our local independent paper's personal site, looking for other folks who have lost their partners.  I'm not limiting it to men, since I'd love to talk to more folks here and I actually don't know hardly any widowed people.  And my name to go by?  CatShoeLover!  I figure that says it all.  I posted this:

http://eugeneweekly.selectalternatives.com/gyrobase/Personals/Profile?person=oid%3A423589

We'll see what happens.  Hope I don't get any wierdos, but it's totally private, they can't access my email or anything, so it should be pretty easy to "block" anybody who seems "off". 

I hope Mother's Day goes well for everyone.

Blessings,

Anna

[Error username not found]

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL THE MOMMIES!!!!

[mishknit]

anna...

do you mean that you like cat's wearing shoes? lol...

great profile....i hope it get some interest.

another place to go if you want to do the internet thing is plentyoffish.com

it's free....and be prepared to deal with a lot of insanity (but that's kind of fun!),

you never know. and you can say you're just looking for friends. and it's all over the country.

i've found it entertaining and weird, and yet the man i'm , what..."seeing"...god, i don't know, came from there. of course he was the only sane person i ever talked to from there, but, you never know.

amazing the baby steps we take to get back into life, and how empowering they can be.

peace,

michele

(who is filled with pancakes made by her lovely son.....

happy mother's day all)

[airymoon]

anna and michelle-- i  subscribed to plenty of fish before also. I think on any siate you have to deal with weirdo's but i liked pof because you could put in exactly the type of relationship you were looking for and there were a lot more safety features than yahoo. The internet thing just wasn't for me at that time  but it was fun

becky

[rodless]

Anna, I looked at your personal posting. Well done. Will be interesting to hear about your experience with it. I know quite a few who have met their mates on the net, others who have just found some good friends so I hope it works for you.

Becky, isn't there a song with slip sliding away lyrics? Came to mind when I read your post. Slips and backslides are normal I guess although I get tired of them. Just when I think I'm ok, wham.

[armaiti]

Thanks for the comments on the listing.  We'll see - no responses yet, but I did put I'm only looking for friends, and a lot of the other folks are looking for relationships and/or sex, which I'm not looking for! 

I went out tonight to hear a group called "Forbidden Flutes", that plays two-flute jazz.  Very nice.  Met a girlfriend there, and ran into some folks from the Interfaith community as well.   (And I'm having a little bit of trouble typing after two Manhattans - I'm such a lightweight, or "cheap date" as Ishaq would have said.)  It was nice to go out and just hang out with friends.  I'm getting more used to going out by myself without feeling depressed about it.  And yes, I wore the new turquoise Manolos that I won on eBay...a new pair of shoes does lift my spirits somehow! 

Tomorrow night I'm going to go to a talk by a woman who wrote a book after she lost a child.  We'll see how it goes...I'm very cautious about these things, if it's too therapy oriented or conservative, I'll sneak out and head home.  I've been gardening a lot, and the sun is out, which helps quite a bit, and I've been riding my scooter.  And I've seen Ishaq the past couple of nights in the dreamspace, which also helps a lot.  So at least for now, I'm doing better.

Hope all is well with everyone,

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

t's been quiet on this thread the past couple of days...how is everyone doing?  We are supposed to have a 90 degree heat spell for a couple of days.  I've been keeping myself busy, trying to stay positive, but with the warm weather, I start missing Ishaq even more, missing going to all the music festivals together, going to the mountains, to the beach...it's just not the same anymore.  Sigh.  I'm just trying to work on myself now, I guess, getting the house and gardens in order...trying to stick to my diet...trying to sell off stuff to make some extra money.  Dorothy, I wish I had your luck around winning money!  Well, I have a Powerball ticket for tonight..that would be awesome to win that...

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

my dog had puppies 2 days ago!

www.xanga.com/earthymama

 

otherwise I just got a call from a creditor for my husands step mother. (the one that's been running the business in his name for 2.5 years or whaever BS is going on.) WTF?!? why would she be using my phone # for ANYTHING? I am so sick of this BS!  :X

 

I hope you win the powerball Anna! How awesome would that be? And they say $ doesn't matter! haha! (it sure helps!)

[rodless]

And whatever are you going to do with all of them??? Cute, cute, cute and mama looks like a nice dog, if a bit tired!

Kind of down this afternoon. I agree with Anna. Sometimes the nice weather is hard to deal with because I remember all the fun stuff we used to do even if it was just getting in the car and riding around (although we wouldn't be doing it now at the price of gas!) Like tonight when I get off work at 8, he would be ready to run the dog to the park or hit the DQ. I can do the dog thing by myself or call a friend to go for ice cream, but it sure isn't what I want. I really miss that man....a lot.