I Miss Him So...

[justkaren2]

April:

Facebook sounds fun.  It's 3:00 in the morning (cannot sleep) so maybe I'll join up this weekend. 

The wierdest thing happened to me today.  I got a call early this morning from a friend in Washington (whom I haven't spoken to in months) asking me if I was ok.  She said she got a call, but nobody was there when she answered, so she called the number back and it was a hospital in my area...and I was the only one she knew here, so she called to check on me.  I didn't think anything of it, told her somebody probably just dialed the wrong number.

Then, I couldn't sleep, so I started cleaning my closet.  I was putting this old travel bag up on the shelf, felt a hard object.  I dug around...it was in a hidden pocket and it was a lotion that I bought in Washington..."Washington apple".   Wow, it brought back a flood of memories and I just sat there and cried.

You see, I bought that on the last trip I went on with Richard.  We went to Washington (where my friend lives) because my dad was in the hospital there.  We visited my friend (the one that called me this morning).  Despite the circumstances, Richard and I had such a beautiful, loving time.  When we got back home and I was driving away, Richard ran up to me to give me the lotion that I forgot and give me one last kiss.  It was the last time I saw him alive.  He died two days later.

I totally forgot about the lotion...I had looked for it way back when...over one year ago...before he died, but could never find it.

Coincidence?  or communication?

Am I nuts for thinking it's communication?

Well, guess I should try to sleep...leave for work in three hours.

Karen

[aprilmoonflower]

ohhh that sounds like communication to me! it's giving me goosebumps!

[aprilmoonflower]

Baca you so funny girly!

[aprilmoonflower]

ok so on second thought I made the facebook totally secret.  just so we have privacy. so in order to join just set up a profile then PM me (here or there) and I'll send you an invite! (I'm April Horton)

[mishknit]

big wink karen...

BIG wink!

i love it!

peace,

michele

[justkaren2]

thanks for not thinking I'm crazy. 

I will definitely probably need help with the facebook thing.  My kids are way into My Space, but I've never done that.

I got a virus on my computer or something, had to reformat and lost everything.  The only thing I cared about was my pictures.  I'm so glad I posted Richard's picture here, ...was able to download it from this site.

Kicking myself in the butt for not saving those pictures to an external drive.

Karen

[missque]

i cant seem to find u on facebook *tear* and I LIVE on facebook....

8-8-08 was my best friends wedding/ jers best friends (he was the god father of their son) it was a hard day i was doing well but right at the end of the night i totally lost it and broke down outside with a friend and then the bride came over and sat with me too i felt horrible i didnt want to make the night bad but they understood seeing as they were both close with Jeremy... I pinned a memoial blue and white ribbon to the inside of the brides dress and her husband and son had them on the inside of their coats as well the husband wore a peice of his jewlery that i had... Jeremy and the husband's fav song was called August 8th so thats why they had the date... it was hard and i haven't quite felt the same since that night last week... so at the wedding they had a lap top there and asu left the reception you downloaded all ur pics to it so they have close to 4000 pictures and all bu maybe 10 of them are LITTERED with orbs some if crazy spots some u just know are special people either way its a lil more than a coincidence to have as many on there as we did

[aprilmoonflower]

Karen- eek on the computer! Just go to www.facebook.com then register. You can find me (April Horton) and add me as a friend then I will invite you to the group. I'm sure your kids can help you if you get stuck but really its easy! or feel free to email me aprilmoonflower@gmail.com

Miss- I added you. Those pics are gorgeous! That is soooo weird though about the orbs. I have had several pics come up like that too. especially in some where I am looking right at them! freaky but cool!

[missque]

april- thanx it was a great wedding! the orbs are nuts though how manyt have showed up= theres even one where we are at her sons baptims (same ppl who got married) and jer was supposed to be the god father and in ever pic theres an orb over the baby

[Error username not found]

lol april... yeah.. i still havent completely figured out facebook..but i will.... i like ur page.. mines so empty =( lol ..

karen and miss..thatz crazy. i love when that happens.

everyone else, i hope your all doing good. tty soon.

[aprilmoonflower]

I. am. addicted. to. facebook.

Glad you found the group girls! Everyone's welcome!  Just lmk you are from here if you friend request me and I'll send an invite!

on another note I got the environment editor position I applied for at www.bellaonline.com woohoo! Now I start a 4 week training for it. I am so excited!

[missque]

haha april its cuz you've just signed up= then again ive been on facebook for like 3 yrs now and im still addicted

[aprilmoonflower]

lol. I know Miss! It's cool cause I can add all the applications for my jobs/groups/etc! awesome!

come on ladies and join us! (it's fun!)

on a more on topic note, a week from today is D's 3 year anniversary. ugh. I thought I'd leave that day to go back east, but I won't be ready until after the 28th now and I am nervous about Labor day traffic (And my kids in crowded campgrounds) so it will be right after labor day now if all goes as planned (It freaking better!!!!) I so need to get the hell outta here! and VERY impatient to meet the new guy to see if I am just being crazy or not here.lol.

btw the place where I am getting D's cremains made into a reef published this site. it made me feel really bad for putting it off (good marketing technique!) though I am waiting because I really want my kids to remember the experience. I think I've finally decided to put him off the coast of Florida.

http://www.theshelfpeople.com

[armaiti]

Hey folks I'm back...and really tired, but it was an awesome camp!  I need to catch up with all the posts, but I wanted to write this down that happened...

Our friend Noor, whose husband Bob had passed a couple of weeks ago, came near the end of the camp.  The spiritual director, who was one of Ishaq's best friends, was leading a ceremony honoring Bob, and at one point they asked Noor if she wanted to say anything.  She took the mike and started to talk and all of a sudden BAM all the power went off in the main hall where we were!  There was a slight pause and then she called out loudly "Thanks Bob!" and everyone laughed, because we all knew it was his way of saying "hi!" to his beloved wife and community.

Ishaq's birthday was the 15th, and we had a lovely little gathering telling stories and sharing his music over by the creek that day.  And many folks went around saying "Happy Ishaq's birthday!" to each other.

Just a few moments of a wonderful, memorable week...I'll catch up with all your posts when I'm not so fried!

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna that's so sweet about "Happy Ishaq's Bday", love it! Glad you had a good time. and that is so cool about your friend getting a message like that!

[aprilmoonflower]

Hope everyone is doing good.  where is everyone? (obviously not stuck at home like me! )

[armaiti]

I'm here...tired though, from camp and from waking up at 4 am today to say goodbye to two family members flying back east!

[airymoon]

I'm here but at home painting and re doing some rooms in the house. Actually i think im just destroying the house because working on one room seems to reek havoc on the other rooms lol

[angeliquem]

16h45 in France, stuck in the office...dont tell the boss i'm on the net !!!! sshhhhh

[Error username not found]

I've been around. Just anxious cuz my bdays tomorrow and my plans are turning to sh*t. The girl who owed me $1000 didn't give me the whole thing (wut a surprise) and now im trying to come up with a plan B cause all my bday plans were riding on that money (stupid, i know.) Anyway, i'll tty all later. Gotta get my nails done.

[eriksgirlforever]

do you ever miss them anyless?  every day i miss him more.  and i feel tremendous guilt.  here i was the one who was depressed and tried to swim out as far as i could in lake superior to just let go and not hurt no more but something saved me and one week later when we're camping at this little lake i grew up, he drowns not 20 feet from shore and i can't reach him.  i feel like i'm being punished for what i did and erik was punished for me.  i'm trying to set up counseling but i hate talking to people face to face right now about anything because i just bust down and have panic attacks.  any advice?

[aprilmoonflower]

baca- file a claim at small claims court. I think it costs $30 or something. you have given her PLENTY of time!

eriksgirl-- I know how easy it is to feel guilty. it's ok. but remember it wasn't your fault just a freak accident. I don't believe in God per say but if I did I would say God is NOT punishing you..He is supposed to be a loving God,no? I do have to say I don't feel overwhelming pain at all anymore when I think of D..I can't live like that and nor would he have wanted me too! But it's normal to grieve for many months, even years! I think we all get to the point of healing somewhere or maybe not at all for some..I myself was in shock for the first 18 months. I don't really actually remember a whole lot of my day to day life those first 2 years. it's all a blur.

btw, speaking of God and religion, I just joined the pantheists! Are there any other pantheists out there!?!?! I had no idea there was a word or even a group for what I believe so I'm excited!

[mishknit]

i'm here too....but getting ready for school to start next week for my kid and cramming in as much extra fun as we can.

i hate school starting again!!

peace,

mish

[rodless]

I'm here too...just been reading 'cause I have nothing new to say. Some days good, some days not so good.

Mary Jo

[lindat]

Hi yall,  I'm here too mostly having a hard time lately, but hanging in there.  Will go back to work on Wednesday next week finally.  Always reading, but not writing much.

[angeliquem]

April,

I dont believe in God really but i do believe in after life!

Strange huh?

Angelique

[aprilmoonflower]

Happy Birthday Baca!!!

[armaiti]

SAME HERE!!!

Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to you!

Hope you are having a good day!

[lindat]

Happy Birthday Baca!!!

[Error username not found]

THANKYOU EVERYONE! =). I had fun in atlantic city..lost,won.. but ended up just losing.lol.. it was alot of fun and my sister had some high roller following her around all night wanting to put us in a suite and send us home in a limo lol. Ok well, its too much to talk about so ill tty all later.bye!

[mishknit]

i got in late baca...

glad you had fun. and di you get the high rollers #?????

peace,

michele

[Error username not found]

thank you..and no.. but he got my sisters # LOL.

[missque]

Hey ladies

Its been a while since i've been on here with so much going on I dont think ive even had time to sit and think about jer or myself really... hope everyone is doing well

baca sorry i missed ur bday hope it went well!!!

I guess we all go though chunks of time when we dont have the need to write and stuff so perhaps thats where i am now- im moving tomorrow to school and im very nvervous abouti it all new school city people roommates its a lot to deal with especially when i suffer from anxiety to begin with= the school alone is like 10000 times bigger than where i was going

anyways like i said i hope everything is going well for you all and I'll try to get caught up this week with everyones lives lol...

[aprilmoonflower]

3 years ago today was the last time I saw D alive. seems like so long ago all of the sudden..

Grief

by Matthew Dickman

(originally printed in the New Yorker May 8, 2008)

When grief comes to you as a purple gorilla

you must count yourself lucky.

You must offer her what’s left

of your dinner, the book you were trying to finish

you must put aside,

and make her a place to sit at the foot of your bed,

her eyes moving from the clock

to the television and back again.

I am not afraid. She has been here before

and now I can recognize her gait

as she approaches the house.

Some nights, when I know she’s coming,

I unlock the door, lie down on my back,

and count her steps

from the street to the porch.

Tonight she brings a pencil and a ream of paper,

tells me to write down

everyone I have ever known,

and we separate them between the living and the dead

so she can pick each name at random.

I play her favorite Willie Nelson album

because she misses Texas

but I don’t ask why.

She hums a little,

the way my brother does when he gardens.

We sit for an hour

while she tells me how unreasonable I’ve been,

crying in the checkout line,

refusing to eat, refusing to shower,

all the smoking and all the drinking.

Eventually she puts one of her heavy

purple arms around me, leans

her head against mine,

and all of a sudden things are feeling romantic.

So I tell her,

things are feeling romantic.

She pulls another name, this time

from the dead,

and turns to me in that way that parents do

so you feel embarrassed or ashamed of something.

Romantic? she says,

reading the name out loud, slowly,

so I am aware of each syllable, each vowel

wrapping around the bones like new muscle,

the sound of that person’s body

and how reckless it is,

how careless that his name is in one pile and not the other.

[mishknit]

((((((April)))))

i love that poem..

it's been on my refrigerator.

thanks for pritning it here for all to see.

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Thinking of you today, April, and holding you in my heart and prayers...that is a wonderful poem!

Ishaq's sister (was Carol, now going by Kai) and her husband Chris just left, off on their next adventures...it's nice to have the house to myself, and sad too...nice to have folks in the house...

Yesterday we went to a lovely beach that Ishaq loved called Hobbit Beach, named for the 1/2 mile trail down to it that has trees growing over sections so you bend down and walk through these tunnels of tree and rock.  We spent the afternoon there and saw a bald eagle sitting high above us on a branch, and we spent a good deal of time with him/her.  Then we went to a place where Ishaq and I and our band had played before and had dinner...they had a duo playing music for dinner, some covers and some Hawaiian songs (one of the band looked to be native Hawaiian and played a ukelele, which was cool since Chris is playing that now), and one of their friends was a beautiful Hawaiian woman who got up on stage and did hula to a couple of the songs.  We talk about Ishaq all the time when we are together...I feel so blessed to have this mystical family and community that are so open to his continued visits and presence.

I have a tiny bit of a summer cold...so I'm going to take it easy the next few days, also recuperating from all the activity at camp, and company and traveling...

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[angeliquem]

Thinking of you today April

xx

[aprilmoonflower]

the actual anniversary isn't until the 25th at approx 1:30am. (he was pronouced at 7am) no one knows the time of death but they think he was dead at least about 5 hours before he was found  sorry to be gruesome. I saw him last on the 24th at around 8pm. his last words to me were "bye sweetie, I love you"

[Error username not found]

Thinking of you April. Hope today goes good.

[cheryl36]

My thoughts and prayers are with you April! May God bring you peace today!  And everyday!  Thinking of you...Cheryl;)

[armaiti]

It's been quiet here...how is everyone doing?

I've been working in the garden all morning, clearing a space to put my greenhouse back up.  I'll be taking my art piece down to submit to the Mayor's Art Show on Friday.  There's a lot going on...and I still miss Ishaq every minute of every day.  I wake up with his name  on my breath and I go to sleep with his image in my mind.  Don't think that will ever change.  

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[superwife]

monday the first would have been our 36th wedding anniversary. I am not sure how I will get thru that day. I do know that my kids are taking me dinner.we always tried to do something specail. For serveral years we tried to getaway for the long weekend, On our 10th we renewed our vows. Sept will be hard month anyway. we found out the cancer was back on the 13th 2007 and by the 20th of nov. he was gone. I miss him so much. still think he will come in the door and say hi honey  and give a hello kiss like he did everynight.

[airymoon]

April  hope the three year mark was easy on you. The 24th was mine and kurt's wedding anniversary. Three without him and it would have been our 23rd. I decided this year to run away from it so me and the kids drove 3 hours to cedar point and camped at the koa camp ground there. It followed me any way and i ended up crying myself to sleep that night.

I do understand about the last time you saw him alive. Kurt died on the 19th of June  2006> The last time I saw him alive was on the night of the 18th- father's day -when he left for work. That date is harder for me than the actual date of his death. I hope with all you've been through the day wasn't too hard for you.

Miss about your new school--- It is only big and scary now because you arent familiar with it. It will feel like home soon and after losing jer this is a piece of cake! You can do this

Becky

[eventually]

Hello everyone, it’s been a long time since I’ve come here.  Sorry I haven’t kept up or even read anything lately.  I thought I was doing fairly well getting through my birthday and then 3 days later on Aug 4 getting through the first year.  I’ve kept busy with my new job (though it is stressful), spoiling my puppy.  But things are back sliding again. Part of it could be that I found out his cousin died of an aneurysm and left behind her daughter, her and B were almost the same age.  I can’t sleep at night. When I do I think something will happen to me and no one will be around or I have nightmares, but instead of  B it’s other friends and family members. My anxiety is back really bad. I cry at all the little things again (I think I’m in and out of denial.  I know he’s gone, but then I really can’t believe it, and reality sets in—they it starts all over again. I shouldn’t have done that just in case I do date again to have another man’s name on me.  Screw that, they will have to live with it. Besides I’d been planning the tattoo for almost a year.  Well sorry to go so long with this sob story and thanks for listening Like that movie Groundhog Day.) I’m losing weight again cause I don’t want to eat.  It’s almost like in the beginning. I see certain people and they remind me of him.  The other day I saw a little boy and I swear he looked just like B except with blonde hair. I had to do a double take.  Is this normal or am I losing what’s left of my mind.  I stopped seeing my therapist a couple months ago, because every time I went to her I ended up bawling my eyes out.  I haven’t been to the cemetery in forever.  Which makes me feel guilty.  Because I think if I loved him as much as I do, I would be there any chance I get.  I know it’s stupid to think that, but for some crazy reason I do. The hole in my heart is not getting smaller it’s staying the same. I really don’t know what I’m saying just rambling.  Friends think I need to move on and start seeing other people.  I still can’t even think about that right now.  On the one year mark I got is signature tattooed on my ankle and some think if you made it this far and actually made some sense out of it.  I’m gonna plug in the ear phones and listen to music.  Maybe I’ll get some sleep without bad horrible dreams.    I hope everyone is doing as well as can be expected.

 

[armaiti]

Eventually, first of all, other people telling you to move on are not helpful - I always get so ticked off if someone tells me that!  It has been two years, one month for me, and I still have Ishaq's pictures all over the house, his ancestor altar up in my room with his ashes and a lock of his hair.  I had a pillow made with his picture that is on my bed.  He is part of my life forever. 

I found that the second year  was harder at times than the first.  Each of us grieves in our own way,and that way is right for us, and it isn't anybody elses business how soon, or even if,  we "move on".  Your partner is part of your life forever, even if he isn't in a body anymore.  He still watches over you, and is with you. 

I hope you are able to get some sleep.  I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

I am still here Anna just not doing as well as I had been. I made it through my birthday with my kids and grandsons ok but two days later all I could do was sit and cry. It feels like I am starting to go through the beging again and I hate it. I miss him so much even more now since more of the days that when we found out all of the test results and then the treatments and the hospital and finally home are coming up so fast. But it still feels like yesterday.

Theres a guy that I have know for awhile we have been talking alot and the day after my birthday he lost his youngest daughter. She died in her sleep. At the age of 40 with 2 small children   You have no ideal how hard trying to get him through that was for me it just brought all of the feelings back to me. But then after a couple of days I just couldn't be there for him it was so hard on me, and still is.

There are so many days that I just wished that I could just stop remembering that last week he was at home all the pain he went through but I can't. There are days that I wish we would have found the cancer sooner but we didn't. There are days that I wonder why I am still here but I know why now I am not done with the kids yet they might be married and kids of there own but they need me and I really need them.

But there are so many days here latley that I just sit and talk to him and cry and wish I just knew what he wanted me to do.

Sorry for going on just having a bad night. Hope you are all doing ok.

Lela

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I also have John's pictures around the house..............his 24/7 candle has been burning since he died 8/11/06.  Although, I have been keeping very active I still talk to him morning, afternoon and evening.  First thing in the  morning and the last thing at night I tell him that I will always love him.  I still cover over at night with his comforter.  It gives me a very sound sleep with great dreams.  I have people now asking me if I am seeing anyone.  My answer of course is NO.......I am not looking to share non meaningful boring conversation with anyone at the present time.  I just do my thing and it seems to be working for me. 

Today, I must make up my mind on the car I want.  My cougar needs inspection by 8/31 and I have no plans on getting that done.  I think I have test driven every car out their......must make a decision today.

The kittens are so beautiful.  They will be three weeks old in a couple of days.  Its time to look for for homes.  I have no desire taking care of six cats.  I am not sure that I will keep the mother cat.  The way I pick up and travel I don't think it is fair for me to have an animal......

Its a very rainy day but I must venture out to make my big purchase.

The girl (Diane) that bought Johns van is going through bad times with her husband.  He had both of his legs taken off.  She knows that I am here for her.  We talk alot on the phone and letters through the mail....She has a computer but has not become friendly with it yet. 

Hoping everyone has a good day.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Hi all,

I am a little more than one month into the 3rd year. I think the 2nd year was as hard (although different) as the first. There were more "good" days but I felt such despair at thinking about the rest of my life without Rod. It really sank in that I was alone. Now I don't know what to think. I see glimmers of hope that this will end or at least ease off but there are days when I just want to crawl in a hole and stay there.

I have read several places that fall is the worst time for people who are grieving. It is still my favorite season of the year but it is bittersweet as it was the time we always went on vacation, stacked wood etc. I really associate it with Rod. I still have some of his clothes in the closet and some other things....not ready to give them up. Can't imagine not having them to touch and look at, although I don't cry anymore when I do.

I'm taking off tomorrow for a long weekend at a nearby lake resort with my family as we celebrate my mom's 80th birthday. I'm both looking forward to it and dreading it. It will be good to see everyone but hard to be without Rod when everyone else is a couple. Hope all of you have a nice holiday weekend.

Mary Jo

[cheryl36]

Hello everyone!!! Just wanted to remember my husband, today is 3 years and 9 months since my Scott left me:(.  Although I have been doing so much better WITH TIME, today was not a good day.  I posted the song my daughter chose for my husband's funeral on the song tread and I just totally lost it.  I had such a pain shoot straight through my heart and I was crying uncontrollably!  To make matters worse my kids were here and I also suffered a panic attack, which before my husband got sick, I never had before.  Now everytime I get so overwhelmed, I have them.  My eyes are so swollen, that I can barely see straight.  It's been a while since I have cried like that.  I had to take a Xanax to help with my panic attacks.  So you see, just when you think "Okay today is going well and I am gonna get through it finally" BAM!! It hits you from out of no where.  I mean it can be a song on the radio, or even a certain smell, to even something someone else says that just triggers a memory of your husband and you loose it all over again.  Tonight my heart aches for him! I miss him so very much!  I love you so very much Scott!!!!!

Cheryl

 

[alwaysalone]

Approaching month 5 - my kids are all away from home for the first time.  For the first time in 23 years I am truly alone and boy do I feel it.  I have a phenomonal job opportunity and I can't even be excited about it.  All I can think of is I wish Doug was here to talk to about it. Should I jump at this or should I be cautious.  I don't miss the kids as much as I miss Doug - does that make me a horrible mother?  This was going to be our time - we talked about it so often.  It's such a milestone for me or would have been. Now it's just another reason to be miserable. I can't get over this!

Kate