I Miss Him So...

[aprilmoonflower]

I want another tat on my back (on my sacrum- I have one on my shoulder that me and my 1st husband got when it was our 1 year anniversary present to one another.lol.). that one is the standrad "chic" tattoo (butterfly)I wouldlike to get a flower added to it.. and tho not sure what on the sacrum one.. probably something tribal like. tho it will be some time before I will get it as it's not like I can go browse the tattoo parlor wihth my kids in tow anyway.lol. (they won't let anyone under 18 in the door here)

 

I also want to let my hair go dready before I get too OLD to try it..lol. (I was going to do it like 6 years ago after our wedding but well..it just never happened. though I currently don't really have time to take care of dreads.) maybe one day.. oh and I want cute dreads, not nasty ones.

[armaiti]

Michele, Ishaq's daughter is just finishing her third year of medical school at USC; his son is finishing his first year at Cal Arts towards a Master in Creative Writing.

Today we took the whole crew up to a waterfall hike in the Columbia Gorge.  The weather is perfect. It was a little hard for me because the last time I was in the Gorge was with Ishaq; it was our last big trip together, out to Pendleton and Jospeh and eastern Oregon.  But it was nice.  It's odd to have so many people around and conversation...my house is so quiet now, with just me and the cats...

I'm sleeping well too, which is good...see if that lasts when I'm back home.

Blessings,

Anna

PS...I'm writing this later...I took a ton of pictures today on our walk, and tonight I was showing a slideshow of them when all of a sudden, right in the middle, the picture of Ishaq I have as my screen saver - where he is standing by a waterfall - popped up and then the screen went blank!  I touched the keys and the slide show started up again, but I felt it was Ishaq saying, hey, I'm still with all of you, you were at the waterfall today, and so was I!

[mishknit]

anna..

i love those "winks"..those messages.

that us impressive..usc and cal arts.

my son is very into film and writing and music....i see him at either of those places, pursuing his dreams.

i am not too far from cal arts..it's kinda "over the hill" for me..lol.

so..my point is...

YOU come visit them!

stay with me, i'll ferry you around...

doesn't that sound like fun?

i'll try on your manolo's ( and try not to break my neck!), and we'll make those pomegranite martinis (or something equally delicious!)

well..we can dream..

but if you ever DO...

we could have some fun, and you could see my ancestor alter,

which, hearing about from you, is a great comfort to me, all the time.

peace,

michele

[airymoon]

Baca even if they steal the idea it wont be the same tattoo because i am going to get kurts eye tattooed on my wrist. I only have my ears peirced not really into that but i love tattoos. Thank you for all the  opinions

[Error username not found]

kool..   put a picture when u get it. when i get mine.. ill put a pic. ttyl .. and april.. i like the new pic.

[aprilmoonflower]

I have seen tats that people had from a picture that was transferred somehow onto the skin. very cool.

[Error username not found]

yeah.. i have too..... but u have to be careful about who u go to cause ive also seen peoples tattoos come out looking like cartoons LOL.if that was my body i would be soooo pissed... thatz wut im getting.. but except its a little diff. =) ....blah blah.. ull see it when i get it.

[armaiti]

April, tats, dreads and piercings, oh my!  You certainly sound like you belong in Eugene!

Michele, that sounds like a great idea...maybe later in fall/late summer...Ishaq's sister and her husband will be back from the journeys to Europe in in S. Cal before they go to Peru in October, it might be a great time to come visit!  (the kids will be gone during the summer months too, Ishaq's daughter to Colorado for a rotation at a hospital there, and his son back up to Marin to stay with his family).

The family gathering was wonderful, but hard for me too...seeing his daughter in law pregnant, seeing how happy his son is...Ishaq would have loved this.  I felt his absence to strongly.  I brought a picture of him and we had it up above the fireplace.  We took a lot of walks and did a lot of talking and sharing...it was good to be with everyone.  Chris and Carol just left this morning and the house is quiet again...I have a lot to do this week but today I'm just settling back in and letting the weekend percolate, I guess.  I'm so grateful I have his family as my family too, and that they are of a "mystical" leaning as well.

Hope everyone has a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

Hi everyone I know that I haven't posted lately but I have been getting on to read all the time. I am still having some tough times with all of this Sunday all I did was cry all day. DOn't know why just did.  So I went out to the cemetary and talked to Randy but that didn't help. I went for a ride out to the lake went to the police lot that we used to take the boys to where they used to fish and swim that didn't help either. What can I do when I get like this? It just seems like it is never gonna end I know it will never be the same again. Just wish that I can move forward with my life but I can't do it, when ever I try I change my mind on everything. Just want to get some "normal" back in my life.

Just found out today that my daughter in law is expecting in Dec. They are hoping for a girl they have 2 boys now. My oldest son just got his divorce yesterday now they are fighting over when he can see his son. I have been promoted at work to head cook, and taken on all the days that I can get just to stay busy. I know that it still dosen't change anything here at home but I am not alone all the time.

Got a letter from a friend today about the up coming Police week coming up in May I would really like to go to the ceremony in Springfield this year but I don't think I can do it, not this year. But I do plan on honoring him here with something special not sure what yet. Maybe me and the kids will go to the cemetary and let ballons go in his honor. He loved being a police officer.

Sorry for rambling on just alot of things on my mind.

Lela

[missque]

ugh i hate this- i cant stop crying but im trying to be quiet about it cuz im at home now- i just wanna be in north bay at least there im alone and can cry as loud as i want

[rodless]

Lela, Somedays there is just nothing you can do but sit and cry. I watched a lot of movies during those times because they took my mind off of things for a couple of hours. Finding a friend and talking always helped too, but it has to be the right one. Or I called Rod's sister because she was the closest person to him except me and she could always make me laugh about something. I'm sure you're that way with your kids although it must be hard knowing they miss their dad. I hope the rest of week will go better for you.....will be thinking about you!

My son got engaged this weekend and when he called to tell me the date for the wedding he broke down and said he is so sad that Rod will not be there. I thought that was really special as his biological dad will be there but he will miss Rod. Rod was the one who taught him to shave, drive, tie a tie etc., moved him in and out of college dorms and was always there when he had a problem. I am so excited that Nathan found the right person and am looking forward to the possiblity (finally!) of grandchildren in a few years.

I seem to be doing so much better the last few weeks. Don't know if it is weather, getting off a couple of meds that obviously were downing me or just finally starting to come to terms with all of this. I think about Rod a lot but it's different. Can't really explain it. I guess time does its job. I wouldn't have believed it in July 06. Hope that encourages some of you who are really stuggling.

Mary Jo

[rodless]

Michele & Anna, Good grief, if you're going to have that much fun, let me know. I  haven't been to sunny California for a long time and if I don't have to do any driving.... How about you Dorothy?? Are you in? MJ

[mishknit]

oh mary jo...

how much fun would we have?

i have a prius...so i can take 4 in the car..lol....

you me, anna.. dorothy....who else?

april..you're not far, and i have a neice that;'s agreat babysitter!

please..this is not to leave anyone out....probably a fantasy, anyway.

but god..wouldn't it be great of we could ALL get together, just hang and talk.

look at baca and aprils tats, rub our hands with dorothy for her luck, learn about sufi tradition and learn to belly dance from anna, jump in my pool with margaritas, have missy teach us something new..and becky and lela and everyone, everyone....

so cool.

and maryjo..

congrats on your son's wedding.

remember, i am the reident wedding coordinator..i am happy to talk, share, whatever...

my fee for all of you is free! (and that means your kids too..since they better give you grandkids quick!) lol!! ask away, or have nathan or his fiancee call me if they need protocol advice, whatever. I MEAN IT.

peace,

michele

[Error username not found]

michele , LOL.. honestly..that sounds like alot of fun. i hope one day we could all meet up somewhere in the middle and have some kind of a widow party Lol.. who woulda thought we would all be joking and talking like this. it started as an unsure decision of mine..just wanting to talk to people going through a similar situation.

 i actually think weve all come pretty far.

[missyouhoney811]

I am in on whatever you want to do.  Name the place, month, date............I will be there.  It would be fun and so great to meet everyone.  A widow's party is what we will have.  A celebration for us going on with our lives and actually making it.

I'll hire the guys from Vegas "Thunder from down under" to entertain us...lol...sure would be fun.

I am still hitting a couple times a week.........just small hits the past week....$150 to $300......I except ALL fun money. Later today I may drive to the casino in Washington, Pa or West Virginia.........I guess I just love the noise with the games.

As of yesterday I am down 22 pounds.  Feeling great........still doing my Zumba....I just may get certified later this year.

I just took my car in.......the engine light won't go off and it's making a noise.  Hoping nothing major.  I do plan on buying a car but not for at least 6 months.  They gave me a silver PT Cruiser while my car is in the shop.  I had the option of a jeep or Lincoln but they both stunk from smokers.  I quit many, many years ago.  I just can't stand the smell.

I hope you all have a GREAT day..............I have to get on with the day and see what type of trouble I can get into.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Forgot to mention...........I will be going to Vegas on 5/26 and return home on 5/29. If anyone will be around I'll buy drinks and dinner.  I am buying tickets to see Cher.  The last time I saw her perform my son was six years old.  He will be twenty-seven this year.  She does put on a fantastic show............bye

[Error username not found]

hey everybody.. just for fun, lets figure out where "the middle" of the world would be from all of our locations. that would be the place to meet.

im in new york.

[mishknit]

baca...

you're on the east coast, i'm on the left!

lol....

i'll have to get out a map to try and figure a central location.

but a trip to vegas is only a 4 1/2 hour drive....

hmmmmm

peace, michele

[armaiti]

Actually, Las Vegas might be cheapest for everyone, because the casinos have a lot of promotional packages - I'm sure Dorothy could advise us on this one!  I've actually never been to Vegas, though Ishaq had been there on work meetings, and another friend who is a musician for belly dancers also knows the cool "off the strip" middle eastern clubs to go hang out at too.

[missyouhoney811]

I just came back from the casino in Washington, PA............I came home with 10 $100.00 bills............my slots worked well for me today.  I started with $20.00 and turned it into a thousand.  I walked throughout the casino until I found my red/white/blue triple 7's machine.  Thats the same machine I play in Vegas.........

As I mentioned before wherever you girls want to meet I'll be there.  If you want me to check out specials......let me know what months everyone is interested in.

I have to run out again.  I just came home to have my dinner, change my clothes and off to Zumba I go.

Keep spirits HIGH.......

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I am on a roll.................the Pope's plane number came out tonight 777 I had three dollars on it which gave me $1,500.00.  This has been one fantastic day for me. 

I have to look for a new car tomorrow.  They said it would be a little over four thousand dollars to fix my car.  I can't see putting that much money in a 1999 vehicle.  I do have an extended warranty on it.  If by chance it would pay 80% I would get it fixed.  The car dealer is checking on that for me tomorrow. 

I am running out to play the power ball lottery now...............its worth 162 Million tonight.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[airymoon]

Baca- I think the idea of meeting in the middle would be great.I am in Michigan. Of course Vegas would be fun too. Ive never been there

Good Luck Dorothy! if you winn you can pay for all  of us to get to vegas

[Error username not found]

LOL!! about paying for vegas. the truth is.. i kinda had a feeling about vegas LOL. i knew it would end up being the place for some reason. who knows when this would all be possible. if this does become an actual event.. maybe it could be a one day thing so that maybe i could fly there..hang out.. fly home all in the same day. .. hmm...ill have to look into it.

[missyouhoney811]

No one won the Power Ball Lottery last night...............I'll try again on Saturday.......as I always say it has to go to someone............why not me............the odds do not matter at all to me.

If I actually won the Power Ball I would pay for everyone to have food, lodging and transportation to make the trip to Vegas......So girls keep me in your prayers. 

I have to run out to the grocery store to pick up milk and turn my tickets in to get my money.  777 is the higest played number sometimes the stores run out of pay off money fast.  Talk to you later.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I play the Powerball lottery too, so I'll make the same promise...if I win the jackpot, I'll pay for the trip to Vegas for us!

I'm having that "after visiting" letdown...house is quiet without Chris and Carol here...I'm really missing Ishaq...e everything is blooming and so pretty; he loved springtime and summer so much...

Blessings,

Anna

[Error username not found]

yeah anna.. i know what you mean. ive just been a little anxious lately. who knows. this whole thing is just crazy.

[justkaren2]

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of Richard's death.  I held it together today until I could leave work and fall apart.  I didn't say anything to my family or friends.  They have forgotten and so I am alone tonight which is probably a good thing.  I wish I could forget, but I cannot.  I remember every vivid detail tonight, every detail.  It feels as though he is here with me.  I can smell him.  I can feel his touch.  I can taste his kiss . But I cannot do the thing I want to the most...I cannot talk to him.  I cannot hear his voice.  We talked and laughed so easily, so effortlessly.  We just made each other laugh constantly.  I want so badly to look in those lovely golden brown eyes and see them twinkle with a silly, naughty joke.  I miss him so much and I don't think it will ever stop. 

[mishknit]

karen

i'll hold you close tomorrow, as others will too.

one year is a huge hurdle...and then, in a blink of an eye. it's 2 years.

weird.

hang in, know there are good thoughts coming your way,

peace, michele

[rodless]

Karen,

Be good to yourself and do what you want to do. The one year mark is a big one. It means you can survive. Take the day and remember all the things you wrote about even if it hurts and then go on knowing Richard would want you to be happy. One year is not a magic cure but it is a milestone along the way to living life again.

Mary Jo

[justkaren2]

Thank you Mary Jo and Michelle.  I get so much comfort and strength from you 'veterans' who have helped to guide me though this abyss.  I don't post often but I read alot.  And everything rings true.  I see the posts from the newcomers and I feel their pain and total devastation and loss and I remember how I felt then.  It has gotten better and I am thankful for that.

So, now, all I have to do is get through this day.

Thank you,

Karen

[missyouhoney811]

Karen, be kind and gentle to yourself today.  I remember the first year all to well.  Remember you are in my thoughts and prayers.  God bless you.

I ordered  a large saddle for John's headstone.  I'll be picking it up on Wednesday at the florist..............going to the cemetery and mount it on top of his headstone.  I told them to make it big and beautiful and  put Butterflies on it.  Sunday, 5/11 is Mothers Day.......................the saddle is a way of telling John thank you for giving me a son and making me a mother.

Also, on Wednesday evening I have my first Butterfly class at the farm.  I have no idea what to expect or what I am getting into.  We shall see. 

Each of us has the freedom to design the tapestry of our life any way we choose.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[Error username not found]

 Dorothy-where did u order it from?? and also.. i have ordered saddles in the past.. but when i would go back to the cemetery someone kept taking it off, and then i would put it back, and come back and it would be off again. i dont know what the hell their problem is. they have rediculous rules.. which by the way, i wasnt aware of THAT one. whatever.. im going to continue to buy whatever i please.

[armaiti]

Karen, I'm keeping you in my heart and prayers today.  The first  year is a big milepost, but then we start the second year...I felt that if I could get through that first year I could survive somehow.  It's still really hard sometimes, but at least all the "firsts" are behind me - first summer, first garden, etc., without Ishaq.

Be gentle with yourself today.

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Bacafly, I ordered  the saddle from the florist that I have been dealing with for years.  I have never had anything taken away from John' grave site.  They actually are nice people.  I plan on putting down the wild flower mats all around the head stone.  It will be alot easier for me all I have to do is turn the earth a little and put the mats down.........................and like a miracle they grow.  I'll pick up fresh flowers to put on my mothers flat head stone.  My mother purchased the plots when my father died I guess she decided on the flat due to the costs. 

I finally received Sherman's stone for the yard..........On it I put: Sherman Herman my Best Buddy and Therapist Thank you for the many Memories.....a carving of a german shepherd's head is on the stone.  So his stone is in the flower garden with Smokey another german shepherd died 2/13/03 and Samantha (Sammy Jo) the cat died 3/2/03.  Of course they were alot older than Sherman..............Smokey was 13-1/2 and Samantha was 20.  No more pets for me....I can't and won't do the loss anymore.

Anna, did you play the power ball for tonight? The Annuity is $179,000,000 and the Cash Value is $87,300,000. They turn the machines off for the power ball at 9:59 PM.

I'll run out around 9:30 PM to play. You better get your numbers in.  You never know it could be your lucky night......

Blessings,

Dorothy

[Error username not found]

yeah.. ill have to look into that. florists around here i mean. thanks.

[aprilmoonflower]

Karen- I replied to you on the dating thread. I had no idea today was one year! ugh! I hope you got through the day in one piece. Just remember nothing is going to get worse than what you already have been through. and you made it through the first year! 

 

otherwise, wow the powerball is high! I should run out and get some tix bt my kids just crashed! if I won $87,000,000+ I'd buy us all a new house each or hell maybe I will just build my own commune somewhere. I definitely would geta cruiseship! (oh and a jet or two to use to fly wherever!) haha.lol. then I'd start a worldwide widows group.

Anyway i got a new job today writing content for a website based out of Australia. Which of course made me think of Naz! Naz are you still out there????

 

[justkaren2]

Hello all,

Well, I survived the day.  Actually, today was better than yesterday.  Funny that you begin to think about a milestone before it actually happens so much that you have a meltdown.  Then, when the dreaded day comes, it's not so bad.

My house got toilet-papered tonight.  Just a little reminder from God that life goes on, I guess.

Thanks, everyone, for all of your kind words.

Karen

[DawnFisher]

If you can't find headstone saddles in your area, go to www.amazon.com and search for "Headstone Saddles" in the Home and Garden Dept.  They range from $18.99 to $29.99 plus shipping.

Take care,

Dawn

Beyond Indigo

[missyouhoney811]

I like the real flowers.  I was never one for plastic flowers that is the reason I had John's saddle created at the florist.

[Error username not found]

hey everybody..guess what??? i got a tattoo today!!!! LOL. i usually wanted one.. but i wouldnt actually have the balls once i was in there.. but today i had the balls so i did it. its his initials over my heart in white ink.

[airymoon]

baca-- very cool !   I have been sick the past day and a half hopefully i can get in to the doc today. Im pretty sure its strep. Ugh i hate being alone and sick.

[armaiti]

Courtney - congratulations!  I'm too much of a wimp around needles to ever get one.

Becky, sorry you are sick.  It really sucks to be alone and sick, I know...  How is your dad doing?

Dorothy, I played the powerball but didn't win (obviously, or you all would have heard about it!) Looks like somebody one though...

This week I have got to focus on trying to get the gardens weeded...the weather is finally nice and I can get out there...I took yesterday off from that since I really was sore from mowing down all the very tall grass with my little electric mower (a lot of push/pull action, since the grass had grown up mid calf during all the rain/snow/hail/sleet/wind/cold we had the last few weeks).  Now it's get out and dig, dig, dig up all the weeds.  Ishaq loved that part, I'm more into the organizing and planting part of the garden.  He loved getting out in the dirt and showing me how fast he could clear a section of garden.

Hope everyone has a peaceful day,

Anna

[missque]

I have a question for you gals....I believe in the afterlife but i dont know what exactly (ie heaven etc.) i do believe however that their spirts are around us. anyways this has been happening more times that i can count lol. in the middle of the night ill wake up and im in an odd position in bed...usually one that id be in with jeremy (having only a single/twin bed- him and i would have to squish close together to sleep lol) so Ill wake up in these werid positions that him and I would usuallly sleep in and ill feel this weight over half my body (because im sleeping on myside) the only thing i can think of with the weight is that it feels like someone beside me with their arms around me and with the way im waking up my arms are in odd positions typical of the way id be sleeping with him beside me.... it sounds werid but i honestly think that hes snuggling with me some nights- especially when im having sad nights or bad dreams- lastnigh i had a bad dream about him nand woke up to this feeling again... and its not the feeling of having your arms or legs asleep like it really is a weight of someone beide you with their arms aorund you

just wondering if anyone else is having this happen? or am i just nuts...

[armaiti]

You are not nuts - my belief is that they are in another realm/dimension, and can still communicate with us.  Mostly my communication with Ishaq is in dreams, but I have felt his touch at times, often at night when I'm going to sleep it will seem like a breath, or like he lightly touches my hair, and there's no breeze because the windows are shut.  I think it's a great blessing when we get these touches/communications.

[missque]

I know he touches me I've felt him before- like ill feel a tickle on my foot (im really ticklish and he loved to tickel me) or i'll smell him- he used to smoke so ive had times where ill lay in bed and i can smell smoke yet no one in the house does... im curious if anyone else has had these mid night snuggles...

[airymoon]

armaiti-- he is doing well just tired a lot thanks for askig

Miss--I think you are being visited by jer.Kurt used to visit me at night and i had to train myself not to jump awake when i felt him.  I believe in those little visits. My son was cleaning his room and he found a picture of him and his dad at a water park here in Michigan. He doesnt remeber seeing it the day before but there it was that day right on top of some clothes he had just cleaned up

Well back to bed----Becky

[rodless]

I don't think you're nuts, miss. If you're open to it I think the connection is very strong even with them gone from earth. As time goes by I am finding that to be comforting and reassuring. I sure enjoy those little "winks" as someone here called them...having his voice answer a question, getting a whiff of his soap smell, and most of all hearing his laugh when I do something dumb.

[Error username not found]

yeah.. i felt that miss.. and his sister felt it too the same night as me.. but except with her, he sat on top of her and said something and when she opened here eyes she just saw him smiling and then he went away. its cool. it makes you know its ok and one day we really will see them/ be with them again. goodnight everyone.

and april.. u abandoned us for another forum LOL.

[aprilmoonflower]

nah I didn't abandon you all!

[mishknit]

how could april abandon us?

shes just trying to figure out how to get us all together, right???

so....

a tat baca...great!~ wish i had the nerve. i keep thinking i'm going to do it, but....oh well

and those winks..which, i think i coiuned, because that's what i've always called them....love them. live for them.

my son had one today..he bounced into the house, happy, that dsasd helped him at school today. made my heart leap too.

so...

i've had 5 dates now with the same guy.

did i see there was a dating thread on here...where????

it's interesting, good, weird....

lololol

we'll see.

but if there's a thread to talk about this..someone point me to it, ok?

peace,

michele