I Miss Him So...

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, Dorothy is right!  It's all just a number.   You should see the folks out here at the Oregon Country Fair in the summer - there's a big sauna, and outdoor showers, and an outdoor firepit, and everybody no matter what their age runs around nekkid in there!

Linda, have a great time on your trip!

And April, I are you leaving this Thursday or next Thursday?

Dorothy, if you are ever near me in Oregon I'll take you out to Hobbit Beach on the coast, which is very secluded and though not officially a nude beach, is one.  Ishaq and I were there the last weekend before he passed, escaping the heat wave we were having in the valley.

Last night Ishaq's gathering went beautifully.  I think about 30 people were there.  We told stories, sang Ishaq's songs, did Sufi practices and remembered him with love and laughter.  Thank you all for your prayers and wishes...I made it through the day quite peacefully, and this morning dreamt of him sitting with me in the grass, smiling at me with love in his eyes.

Today a friend and I are going out to the Mckenzie River to the place he took his last earthly breath, to place the flowers from the ceremony there on the beach.

I updated his website too with some of my dreams and visions and poetry, and new pictures:

http://home.earthlink.net/~ishaqjud/

Love and Blessings to you all,

Anna

[rodless]

I'll be 58 on Aug. 4. Seems like it wasn't that long ago that I was turning 18 or 28 or 38 etc. You're right...it's just a number although I am not going to runnning around "nekkid" on a beach anytime soon!! But you go for it, Dorothy!

Had a vivid dream with Rod in it last night. Not a good one. He was walking away and ignoring me and not answering his cell phone. Woke up in a really bad mood and had to talk myself back to reality. Maybe it was the DQ milkshake I drank about 10pm?

Bon voyage to those who are traveling...be safe! Mary Jo

[armaiti]

This morning a friend of mine passed from the terminal brain tumor he was diagnosed with several months ago.  He was in his seventies...and ten years ago or so he and another friend fell in love at our Sufi Camp and had been happily living on her farm half the year, and his place by the coast in Arcata, CA the other half...he passed with his beloved wife by his side, and they had sung and done practices with him last night as they knew he was readying to make this transition from form to spirit.

When I saw Ishaq in the dream this morning, he looked a little sad...I thought it was just because he was missing me, but now I know why...though I am sure he is guiding Mu'id through his journey! 

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

anna....

sounds like a beautiful time, glad it was so peaceful, and am so sorry about your friend.

mary jo...my birthday is the 9th...55 for me.

un^%$$%believable!

better than the alternative, but some days i'm not so sure!

have a great trip linda

peace,

michele

[lindat]

Anna,  I am so sorry about your friend.

Dorothy, I too will be 62 - yup, just a number.   I might want to run around in the sun too, that sounds interesting....

MJ and Michele, you guys are babies

I arrived in Cincinnati a little while ago and I am staying with Terry's aunt and uncle.  Will get back on the road in the morning to arrive in FL by tomorrow night - unless I get too tired driving, then I will stop sooner. 

I spent all morning at the hospital getting herceptin and now I am free of all of it for two whole weeks!!!!

 

[armaiti]

I just got back from the place on the Mckenzie River where Ishaq took his last breath, two years ago yesterday.  It is such an amazing spot...I went with one of our close friends and one of his senior students of Sufism.  She and I had a nice picnic, and did ceremony on the banks of the river.  We searched for rocks to bring back to share, and when I said "Hey, Ishaq, are you here?" the osprey flew over circling us (of course!).  And in honor of Ishaq's love of the water, and pulled off my clothes and jumped in the very cold pool of water where he passed.  (my friend doesn't like cold water, and she was amazed that I had jumped in! I told her, well, Ishaq wanted me to!)

Ages...I'm 53, but I don't think the numbers carry much weight.  It's how old you feel that counts.  My friend, Mu'id, who passed this morning was around 63 or so when I first met him and I remember him swimming in the Pacific at our Sufi Camp in Washington, wearing his little Guatamalan shorts and ignoring all warnings about sneaker waves.  He always seemed young to me!  As did Ishaq, who was 55 when he passed. 

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Way to go Anna.  I am so glad you enjoyed yourself.  I found with every passing year and also considering the sadness that life can bring I decided to do whatever I damn well please when I feel like doing it. I also noticed as I get older my words flow freely and I hold back nothing.

Time is a stairway the soul climbs on a pathway to the stars********

Blessings,

Dorothy

[sweetbabegirl]

:XToday is my wedding anniversary (21 years). Woke up feeling pretty sad and lonely. I was told to buy myself some flowers (daisies) and of course the store had not one daisy. So I just knew today wasn't meant to be happy or to go right.

I will be having dinner with my mom, (ohhh boy) hopefully the evening will be better.  I just feel so dang lonely and miss him so much.

I did recieve a bracelet in the mail. It's white gold and across the front it reads.............I am always with you!

I just know my daughter sent it. She tends to do things to help me get through the grieving.

Hope ya'll have a better day then me.

Diana

[rodless]

Today is also my wedding anniversary. I took a rose out to Rod's grave this morning. Decided this year (3rd anniversary since he died) that I would go to work and make it a normal day. But off and on I think about it. How can I not? Even if we'd been married 50 years, it would not have been enough.

[armaiti]

Mary Jo and Diana, happy anniversary! 

And Diana, even though it isn't the same as daisies in your house, here are some daisies (well, a picture I just took of daisies from our garden) for you!

Blessings,

Anna

[sweetbabegirl]

Aweee Anna Thank Youuuuuuuu

They may not be sitting on my table, but the thought brought a smile to my face, thank you again. And Jo.....Happy Anniversary, I hope your day goes as well as it can. I always keep you guys in my prayers and know that times like these I always feel better when I come to this site. Thank you..

 

[missque]

Jeremys grandpa died today - it was his moms dad- shes lost her baby boy and now her dad in 2 years... his family has gone through so much even his moms neice was in the hospital batteling a double long transplant that she rejected it makes me so sad

[aprilmoonflower]

Hey ladies. Just wanted to say i didn't get to leave AZ on our trip as planned. I will likely have to wait at least 3 weeks due to an insurance issue (oh yeah and I won't be able to drive either for 2 weeks! :X) total bummer. not to mention I feel like a total loser!

Melissa & Anna - hugs to you both. I'm so sorry you are dealing with more losses!

otherwise,

I found this poem in my Writer's Digest magazine this month, just thought I'd share. it made me think of you all.

The Forest of Lost Husbands

by;Lee Tupman

You have to meet her

someone says

She's lost her husband too.

How feckless of me her, I think, wondering

How she could have lost a perfectly good man.

How careless of me to have lost you, too.

I turned my back for a moment, just the blink

Of an eye,I turned and

You were gone.

Imagine a New Yorker cartoon

a wall of trees, large, close together

a sign that says

"The Forest of Lost Husbands"

A shapeless woman= a soft of

Thurber woman- stands there

at the forest's edge

holds a basket of bread crumbs

to mark the way back if she enters.

A black bird lurks.

What are all those men doing

 in there?...Playing golf?...Reading?...Marking trees

because black birds ate

their crumbly trail?

I do not choose to search the woods.

My heart beats.

I know where you are.

[armaiti]

Melissa, I'm sorry about Jeremy's grandfather.  And April, I'm sorry you can't go for three weeks!  But you are definately NOT a loser!

I talked to my friend who's husband passed on Tuesday morning...it reall threw me back in time to those days right after Ishaq passed...she knew her husband was transitioning, but still, it doesn't make it easier to lose someone just because you know they are leaving their body soon...

I worked a good part of the morning on a collage art piece to send her with his picture in it.  It felt healing for me as well to do that.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[justkaren2]

April!

Noooooo!!!  Doggone it!  I know how excited you were about that trip.  And remember, I'm living through you .  I'm so sorry.  Life just sucks sometimes, but maybe there is a bigger reason that we cannot see.  Perhaps this little glitch happened to avoid something bigger????   What does your 'green guy' think about it? (Wondering if you and/or he mind that I have given him that nickname )

By the way, I agree with Anna.  You are not a loser!  We all have our challenges, and an insurance problem does not make you a loser.  A loser is someone that, well..to me, anyways...is morally corrupt.  And that is not you.

Anna:  your daily postings still inspire me and comfort me.  Although I do not understand your Sufi beliefs, they bring me such comfort.  I share them in some ways.  I know that Richard communicates with me.  I know he is waiting for me.  I know he has not abandoned me.  People do not understand that, and your postings make me feel a little less crazy.

People these days are so obsessed with the economy.  We are all suffering financially, but I say "Pffftttt" to money issues.  Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, compares to losing those you love. 

Karen

P.S.  All the talk about being 'nekkid'?  Not gonna happen here.  Way too...ummmm....'goody-two-shoes' is the often-used term to describe me...but, dang, it's much more than that.  At 52, the old bod just ain't what it used to be.  I'd give small children nightmares! (and maybe adults, too!) hah!

[psionx0]

Originally posted a folder up on July 30 (by me):

I saw him this morning.  At about 8:30 am.  I woke up when he kissed me on the cheek.  Then he said he would be back.  At 10 am I finally got up.  At 11, the coroner was on my door step.  He threw himself in front of a train.  No note was left (that I can find), no indication of why.  Talking to his parents was the hardest part.  They wanted answers, and I have none.  Now I am sitting here, wishing we could curl up with each other .... and we can't.  I feel so alone, so lost.  My body feels like it is a bump on a log.  My brain is mush, my stomach feels like it is going to implode.  I'm lost... and confused.  does it end? 

Never to kiss him, or feel his arms around me.   Never to hear his voice whisper he loves me.   I'm not sure how I am gunna do it.  I'm just lost.

Update:

nothing much to say.  I slept alone for the first time in a few years, and the only way that could happen was with xanax.  Everyone keeps telling me not to blame myself, and.... I can't do anything else.  I was there I was the one who should have seen something... yet I didn't.  The past few months has been on constant rewind in my head.  Everything reminds me of him... everything.

I had to pick up his car today... There were family pictures in the passenger seat.  I know they were in the car (we were going to be moving) but... I don't know if the copsleft them there or if he was looking at them.  I don't know if he woke me up to say good bye or on accident.  I don't think I have ever been so lost and confused.

His mom is comming here on teusday, along with his sister.  His dad wants me to go and visit them.  And I don't want to because... quite frankly I feel like I let them down...  and... it hurts so much.

[aprilmoonflower]

psion- how awful! please remember this wasn't your fault. I am usually against psychotherapy as a rule where grief is concerned , but I think a counselour might be in order.. maybe a suicide support group? I think there is a section here at BI or just use google to search for groups in your area. of course there are many wonderful women here and we are here for you (((Hugs))) all you gotta do is get through the next 5 min. then the next 5..and the next 5...

[armaiti]

PsionX,

I'm so sorry for your loss...what April says is true, jus getting through each minute at a time.  Be gentle with yourself...

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

This morning there was a memorial for our friend who passed on Tuesday...it was in Spokane, but I stopped what I was doing at 10:30 this morning and did some practicies and prayers for him.  Yesterday I made a collage with his picture in the center in a mandala, and today I mailed it to his widow...then I was at our Saturday Market, and a good friend of ours told me he had been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.  His hands are already really shaking...and he's a massage therapist.  The world seems so crazy sometimes...all these good people who are getting sick and passing on...he's very positive and doing lots of alternative treatments.  But it's really sad to think of him dealing with this illness.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[missque]

having a bad night... seems like i am just about every day its so hard to feel so many different things like i do... people tell me im so strong for being 23 and dealing with everything i've had to in my life (dad and jer) but i dont feel it-- i wish i could be stronger like you women

[missque]

psionx - i can relate a lot with what your saying i've blamed myself for jeremys death however i've been seeing a grief councellor and i find it really does help- perhaps something to keep in mind... its nice to go talk to them knowing that they understand (the place i go have all had experiences with loss' of their own) its like this group but one on one

[airymoon]

Im sorry ladies for all the hard times we are all having. I am trying to remember to just take it one breath at a time but today even that seems hard. I just miss kurt so much. The guy i have been seeing and are are buying property together. NOT as a couple thing but as a business theing because we both liked it and neither of us could afford it on our own. I'm kinda looking at it as a time share situation. I didn't know how i felt about buying it but it is something Kurt and I had talked about for years and years although not in that location which is ok.Before we signed the papers my daughter and i were walking on it and i told her i was thinking about her dad alot.She said "daddy would like it here."2 minutes later she found this rock with the moss on it. I had to take a picture because it was a perect heart shape. Now we are home and all I want to do is talk to him about plans and what we want to do with it.But i cant talk to him and I cant feel him. And I miss him. My dating relationship is cooling and i dont know if its me or him  or just the fact that he isn't kurt and wtf i dont know what im doing. I wasn't supposed to be dating and i wasnt supposed to be lonely and i hate it. I'm sorry for all of this rambling but it's been two years and today i am fighting the tears like two days.

April-If you can't drive your car can you rent one? or fly it might be cheaper than driving anyway!

becky

[armaiti]

Becky, don't apologize for rambling!  We all need this place to ramble, vent, and rage...

I'm trying to look on the positive side of things...even if they are annoying...I just had half a tooth break off, which means I have to go to the dentist  - not my favorite thing - and it's another expense I don't need right now, since I don't have any dental insurance.   Argh.  On the positive side, it happened today, which gives me a whole week to get it taken care of  before I'm out at Sufi Camp and not near my dentist.  And it doesn't hurt at all, making me hopeful that it won't be too expensive to fix. 

The sun is out, and it is warm...I'm getting things done that I need to get done...and a broken tooth is not such a big deal in the scheme of things when you think of what we, and many others, have gone/are going through...

I guess it's just a little "wake up" call.

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

This will be a very busy week for me......I have to take the van in to get it detailed  because on Sunday 8/10 the lady that I have been talking on the phone with for over a month is flying into Pittsburgh I'll pick her up at the airport.  We plan on going to brunch and she will drive the van back to her home in Reading, PA.  The transaction should be smooth. After funds are cleared and in my bank I will send her the title.  She is sending me a cashiers check paying for the van in full overnight express.  John's second anniversary will be on Monday, 8/11......The beautiful thing about selling the van I lost no money at all.  Thinking back on how many people wanted me to sell it shortly after John died.  I could not part with it at the time.  I am ready now to move on in many directions of my life....he still is helping me.....

I went to John's sister's 50th wedding anniversary party on saturday.  She had a great turnout over 120 people.  She lives on the lake.  We had great food, drinks, conversation and a dj that took care of the music for us to dance to.  I brought back with me from the lake a cat (kitten) that was a stray but all the neighbors more or less would feed it.  My reason for bringing it home my sister-in-law named it Midnight that was the name my husband gave to his cat 25 years ago.  Sooooooooo I felt it should become mine............must have been the wine I was drinking that made me decide.  The cat is beautiful with one big problem SHE IS VERY PREGNANT......so I now have a fat cat living with me.  I'll take her to the vets. on thursday. I thought I was the person that said she never wanted to take care of anything again.......she is a good cat eats and sleeps........I think she will  have her kittens within a week.  It sure would be something if she delivers on 8/11...........it would be a gift from my John.

After the van is gone I'll turn in my cougar and buy a new car. 

The next big thing to sell will be the house.  I hope it moves smooth for me. 

I already did my Zumba at 6:00 AM today... must get busy.

Blessings to all,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Becky..

I understand where you're at. Just about the time I think I'm doing fine, whomp! I went to my 40th (can't believe that number!) class reunion Saturday night. Actually had a good time and then on the way home was thinking about all the couples etc. and got rather grumpy and sorry for myself. Why didn't my first marriage work? Wouldn't it be great to be married for 30+ years? Why did Rod and I only have 15 yrs? etc. etc. Went to church Sunday morning and watched the couple in front of me holding hands etc. and left feeling even worse. I managed to work myself into a real funk over the weekend and now I'm trying to work back out of it. My birthday is getting a lot of attention today (it was announced on a local radio station) but all I want is Rod here to give me a sappy card and a big hug. Agghhh!

Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Happy Birthday Mary Jo!!!

I hope you have a good day; I know how hard it is to have these special days without our beloveds by our side.

I'm thinking of you today...

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

happy bday mary jo....

i'm having one on saturday..no fun,

but what can you do!

hope your day is good, fellow leo!

peace,

michele

[airymoon]

Happy birthday Mary jo.  Do something for yourself today and try to have an easy day

becky

[missque]

Happy Birthday Mary

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]Happy Birthday Mary Jo.  Treat yourself extra special today.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[/align]

[lindat]

MJ, Sorry I am a little late with my birthday wishes, hope you had a good one after all.  I am doing a reunion for my classmates the weekend of August 15th - 17th.  Tour of the school, reunion and picnic - along with various warm-up parties for those that are visiting from out of town with nothing to do.  Classes of 1955 - 1975, expecting around 300 - many are single for various reasons.  I think it will be a fun weekend.  After that, I am going back to work finally.

[rodless]

Hi everyone...thanks for the birthday wishes. The day was fine. It ended at Mamma Mia which made me laugh...a feel good movie. I'm getting back in the groove. Just had a rough dip in the road..you all know what that feels like.

Now I'm busy detailing my mom's 80th birthday bash over Labor Day. Everyone is coming, kids, grandkids and greatgrands. We have cabins rented at a local lake resort where I hope to play skee ball. (love that game, not sure why) It will take lots of towels, bedding and food so I need to start making lists. Also need to round up portable cribs and highchairs. It will keep me occupied for the rest of the month. Then after that I think a short vacation by myself is in order.

The key for me is being busy. Sometimes driving provides too much thinking time. It's not as bad as it used to be but the tears still come frequently in the car.

Thanks again....you gals are great. Hope all is going okay.

Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Hi, everyone!  It is quiet here on this thread lately...I hope everyone is doing ok.

On Friday, Ishaq's younger sister and his dad's wife are flying in, and then on Saturday his other sister and her husband arrive...we'll head off for Sufi Camp on Sunday for a week.  I'm really looking forward to that, and to seeing old friends and doing practice, playing music, swimming in the beautiful creek and eating the wonderful food our staff cooks for us.  This year I'm facilitating the "Ancestor Tree", something we've done at Oregon Country Fair for a number of years, which is a tree branch and little cards that you write the name of someone you love who has crossed over and tie it to the tree. Then at the end of camp the cards are burned, with ceremony.   The spiritual director of camp this year is also one of Ishaq's best friends, and he will lead a ceremony honoring those who have passed on in this last year.

I had a lovely dream with Ishaq the other morning...he was singing a song we used to sing together, from a Rumi poem, and I walked up beside him and sang the harmony part.  It was wonderful to sing with him again!

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

John's van has a new owner.  I received the cashiers check today.  I made the deposit.  I went to AAA and signed the title over to Diane.  I had to attach the Death Certificate with the title.  Mailed all the necessary papers to the new owner in Reading, Pa.............she will sign and  also have it notarized.  I will pick her up at the airport on Sunday.  At that time I will take our plate off and she will put her temp plate on.  One hell of a big step for me. 

Blessings to all.

Dorothy

[airymoon]

congrats dorothy. keep taking those steps

[laquinn]

Hi everyone hope you are all doing ok. I haven't been on in awhile just kinda down the past couple of weeks. First off our 27th anniversary was on the 1st, I did ok that day went to the cemetary and put out new flowers and then went to work. This past weekend I moved again to a smaller and cheaper place. I did this only after talking to alot of people and making sure that I was doing the right thing see my son and his family have been living with her grandma while trying to find a 3 bedroom place with no luck around here so I moved so they could have a place of there own. I was doing ok and then Saturday afternoon all I could do was cry everytime I moved a box I would just cry. I went back to work on Tuesday and I was so sick and I still am not sure if it is a summer flu or what. My birthday will be on the 15th and I am so not looking forward to it at all he always did something special for me. And the 10 months is coming up on the 12th and my daughter in law finds out what they are having on the 13th this month just sucks big time for me. I just wish I could wake up and it all be just a bad dream.

Mary jo sorry I missed your birthday but Happy Late Birthday. You have fun on your Moms birthday it sounds like alot of fun.

Linda glade to hear you are done with the treatments and are having a good time. Our town is having a all class school reunion in Sept. not sure if I am going to go yet or not I would be nice to see some of the old class mates just not sure if I can go through with seeing some of his old classmates yet.

Well going to bed Thinking of all of you!

Lela

[missque]

OHHH MYYY GOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I JUST GOT A CALL TODAY AT 330PM FROM A UNIVERSITY OFFERING ME A SPOT IN THEIR TEACHERS COLLEGE!!!! I HAD ORIGINALLY BEEN DENIED BUT THEY ARE NOW TAKING ME.... I START SCHOOL IN 2 WEEKS IN A PLACE I'VE NEVER BEEN TOO (VERY FAR FROM JEREMY AND WHERE I WAS LIVING AND HIS FAMILY AND HIS FRIENDS) SO ITS GONNA BE HARD FOR ME TO MOVE AWAY FROM HIM BUT THIS IS WHA I'VE ALWAYS WANTED AND I KNOW JER WAS LOOKING OUT FOR ME FOR THIS ITS JUST GONNA BE HARD. I'M SO EXCITED THOUGH THIS IS WHAT I'VE WANTED MY WHOLE LIFE- LIKE I FEEL LIKE I'M DREAMING!! NOT ONLY THAT BUT THIS MORNRING I FOUND 20$ IN THE BANK MACHINE LOL AND I WENT TO A CONCERT TONIGHT WITH MY FRIEND. I JUST CANT BELIEVE IM GONNA BE GOIN TO TEACHERS COLLEGE.

[aprilmoonflower]

AWESOME news Miss! congrats! this is going to be great for you I know it!!! :)

Happy belated bday Mary Jo!

((hugs)) Lela, baca, becky and everyone else having a shitty week

[armaiti]

Melissa, that's great news!  Congratulations!

And Lela, your birthday is on the 15th?  That's Ishaq's birthday too. He would have been 58.  I know it's hard, but try to do something nice for yourself.

I wanted to share this poem with you all.  Our friend Mu'id wrote it shortly before his passing from the brain tumor last week.  His wife emailed it to us.  She and I have had a couple of conversations and she'll be at Sufi Camp as well...the last time I talked to her I started to say "how are you doing" and stopped myself...I said, you know I hated it when people asked me that so I'm not going to ask it!   She gets it, for sure. 

Blessings,

Anna

This is the poem he wrote:

The scent of cut grass

lies in the nostrils

as green gifts given to remind us

we will join in the great growing

towards completion in death.

Do not deny the whole cycle.

Your death and decay

is more divine than any prayer

and is the blessing of completion.

Welcome all of it and know

we are all truly blessed.

[laquinn]

Yes Anna I will be 47 on the 15th small world. You have a great time at camp I know you will.

[genevieve]

Hi All,

I really like what Anna said a few posts ago about trying to be positive. I was just thinking not too long ago that Nick and my on-off separation the last year --he was working abroad a few months on, then had a few months on with me so that we could save some money to relocate to the US--prepared me a little for being alone without him. Otherwise, I don't think I'd be sane right now.

We were always in each other's pockets, living and working together for 7 years --I think the longest we'd been separated before that was once for 2 weeks, then maybe a few weekends. Not that it's easy, but at least I'm used to being alone; I don't know how I would have made it if this far.  So something I really thought was a negative and difficult thing has had a positive side.

I teach a lecture comprehension class for foreign students, and today we had a visiting counselor give a lecture on depression. He mentioned how the event that happened isn't what causes us to be depressed--it's our thought processes and beliefs about the event that determines how depressed we are. Don't get me wrong--I'm still incredibly sad--had a real, gut-wrenching night a few nights ago when I bawled my eyes out and still couldn't loosen the knot of sadness in my chest--but I'm trying to be positive and when I can't, I can't --it's the times I can that may help.

Just wanted to say that I'm reading your posts--sometimes it's just too hard to respond or put anything down, but reading how you guys are doing and knowing I'm not alone really helps. 3 months for me coming up next week, and it's still so hard, but this board helps. thanks

Genevieve

[missque]

Thanks everyone!! There was def someone lookin out for me (and i know it was jer and my dad) because this was a total shock to everyone and myself! i have a wedding today to go to- jeremy was supposed to be the best man in it - theres gonna be a lil memorial thing at the begining for him its gonna be hard but i have to get through it b/c then im doing a reading...

so sorry to hear others are hving a hard time... it wil pass just try to look on the brighter side of things (if at all possible)

[rodless]

Congrats, Miss! It may be a really good thing for you to get to a new place. Hope it's the start of something great! The only way you can go is forward so take advantage of a new beginning. Doesn't mean you have to forget the past.

Happy birthday, Michele and Lela! Try to do something nice for yourself. I went to a movie and enjoyed not thinking about anything for a couple of hours. That's my goal for awhile - not to think too much.

Mary Jo

[Error username not found]

 good for you miss!!

 

APRIL!!!! did u ever get my pm???? LOL. ( as if writing bigger will make you come on here).

[armaiti]

I'm leaving for Sufi Camp in a couple of hours, so I probably won't be talking to you all for a week!  I've been having a great visit with Ishaq's family who are here and coming to camp with me.  It will be a wonderful experience and I am so looking forward to it!

Take care everyone!

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Baca- lol. yup I got it. sorry I am so slow. I keep forgetting the book when I have gone to the PO> but of course I am not driving right now...so maybe next week!?! don't worry it's coming!

btw Anna sent me some awesome earrings and a shirt! everyone go check out her shops at cafe press and etsy (divine laughter studio) it's all so peaceful and her art is fabulous!!!!!oh and I bought some of her journals too and they are lovely!!

(((hugs to everyone)))

[Error username not found]

LOL..ok april..kool

and anna, have fun, and when you get back on here can you re-post the links because i want to look at what youve made.

everyone else.. hope you all have a good day. goodnight.

[missyouhoney811]

I managed through the 2nd year (8/11)...............very few tears.  Diane flew into Pittsburgh on Sunday (8/10) we went to breakfeast.  She drove off with the van.  I felt good that I sold it.  She will be having many, many problems down the road with her husband.  I told her to call me anytime.  She is a good person.  I spoke with her husband and I told him I would take a road trip when I get my new vehicle to meet him.  He was happy......I took flowers to John's grave yesterday I sat down on the grass and talked to him.  He has many flowers on his grave.  The wild flowers that I planted before the cruise really took off.  They are so beautiful.  I also took flowers to my fathers grave (his birthday was on 8/11).........So I talked to alot of spirits yesterday.  I ended my day by going to Bravo's (John's favorite restaurant) I sat at the bar and had a beer for John while waiting for my take out order.  John Robert came over after work so we ate and spent time together.

BIG NEWS!  My stray cat Midnight had her kittens on Saturday evening.  She started with her delivery around 7:15 PM and the final number 5 kitten arrived around 9:15 PM.............I swear John sent that cat to me.   I thought I swore off from loving and caring now I have a mother and five babies.

One last thing.............I played John's Birthday yester 910 it came out last night.  He gave me a little bit of spending money.

God Bless,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

Dorothy, that sounds nice. Awesome on the winning numbers! You are so lucky! D always won at casino's. one time he won like $30,000 in 2 days! talk about winning streaks!

otherwise his 3 year anniversary is coming up on the 25th. I am just not feeling anything aboiut it though weirdly enough. then I feel guilty. I am just gald to be moving on with my life I guess. no point in being sad anymore.

my 4yo however is obsessed with death and "killing"/ he's driving me nuts. he really has be conflicted though as he doesn't get that telling someone your going to kill them is wrong yet mommy has no quelms about killing spiders and things. he is totally trying to figure out the whole death tning. he has told me more than once this week "Daddy died. He crashed your car." it's so annoying! I am at a loss of what to do. We discuss it of course but it's like something he has to figure out himself in his 4yo brain, yk? soooo sad!

my daughter turned 3yo Sunday and has no clue what a "daddy" is in any capacity (she is not really aware of friends  daddy's as most my friends with kids are single moms!)

btw I am going to make a beyond indigo widows group for us at facebook! will post back when I do! (facebook is super fun, better than myspace anyway! for the more "mature" I guess.lol.) you can find me there under my name (April Horton-Rio Rico AZ) though you could use a fake name too.

[aprilmoonflower]

Come join the Facebook group I created for us (it's free and fun!) I made the group restricted too!!!

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=27602570543&ref=mf