I Miss Him So...

[missque]

april- i totally understand that same thing happened to me. I called Dell and they were fixing my comp over the phone- and they had me bomb it without even telling meso i lost like all my msn chats with jer and some pics that i didnt have backed up..i hope it can be fixed for u!

[rodless]

Linda.... might be a good thing to get away from what's going on in Michigan and think about something else. Can't believe all the stuff you've been through. You are amazing!

[armaiti]

I just got a call from Shems, Ishaq's son...Crystal went into labor this morning and everything is progressing nicely - should be a baby some time tonight!!

I'll post back after the blessed event.  Ishaq's first granddaughter.  I'm sure he is there, watching over them all, as she prepares to enter this world. 

[aprilmoonflower]

Oh how exciting Anna! and you will be able to knit all kinds of cute baby things for next fall/ winter!

 

[armaiti]

I'm officially a grandmother!

Tealia Marion was born to Shems and Crystal this morning about 2:20 am, 8 lbs 8 ounces!

I'm off to go to the wineries with a friend, and celebrate!

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

congratulations gramma anna....

how very sweet..you'll have to post a pic when you get one.

enjoy your day!

peace,

michele

[rodless]

Congrats, Anna. What a pretty name! Enjoy your winery celebration.

[missque]

Congrats Anna

I have to go to the doc's today (OBGYN) I have been to one but wasn't happy so my doc refered me to another- I have to go in to see if I have endometrosis. the only way to figure it out is to have an operation- theres no other way to 100% diagnose if you have it. I just want the surgery so that we can say this is why you have so much pain or no ur just stuck with it... its brutal my doctor refers to it as dibiltating since i miss school and stuff cuz im in so much pain... hopefully this OBGYN wont say no to giving me the surgery to find out.. im a lil nervious because a lot of women can be infertyle who have it and last time Jeremy supported me and now i dont have anyone to come back to after it..

Please hope that he grants me the operation- I just wanna know what causes the brutal cramps and vomiting every month. At the same time if i do have endo i might be infertyle.... its a tough one..

[airymoon]

congrats anna

miss i had endometriosis it was horrible and painful. I had the surgery to have it removed and then went on to have 2 more children. My neice in law had it removed and hey told her she wouldnt be able to have any more kids and she had 3 more. Hang in there

April that is terrible about the guy in your singles class and im not defending him but a man can be labled a sex offender if he was 18 and had sex with his 16 year old girl friend. so the laws aren't always clear. I'm only telling you this because it may be something like that and then you need to feel so upset that your kids were around him. We dont need anything else to feel guilty or upset about.

Linda enjoy your trip when you get back could you send me the link for the walk your doing in september my e mail is airymoonmistress@yahoo.com thanks

[lindat]

Thank you all for the good wishes, it was a wonderful trip and hard to come back.   They showed a family video at the beginning of the wedding and Terry was in it, a nice bittersweet surprise.   The trip was somewhat an emotional mine field, but I am so glad that I went.  It was good to see everyone - and they made me feel missed and welcome.  I was reminded several times that they consider me to be part of the family.   Jim called twice to check on me....  

Becky,  not sure that I will be able to do the walk.  I won't have the money for the entry fee until I go back to work, but I should know by then if I will have the stamina for it.   Herceptin has caused a real problem and I can't even dance a whole dance anymore - I used to dance all night.   Hopefully after the next heart tests we can find a solution.   One of these days I would like to drive over to meet you.   It would be nice if the price of gas would go down

Miss - I will keep you in my prayers. 

MJ,  not so amazing, but thank you for making me smile.

Anna, congratulations on the grandbaby, she has a beautiful name!

Hope all of you are finding some peace today.   xoxox

Dorothy, hope you are winning and having a great time.

[airymoon]

Linda This summer i want to take a weekend to get away just me by myself. I would love to drive over and see you but we can talk about that later. I would still like info on the walk if you could tell me where to get it from.

[lindat]

http://www.the3day.org

[missque]

Well I appreciate that some of you understand my pain lol -- so after all that i got called into work today and had to resched. my apt for JULY! god why are they soooooooo busy lol

Now I'm on the hunt for new apt's at school. My landlord said she'd wait and not rent the apt till july till i found out from my programs i applied to and she didnt- she gave it to her neice so now im screwed and have to find something when im 4 hrs away ugh!

[Error username not found]

good for everyone. seems like your all doing good. oddly enough i dont feel like telling anyone anything anymore. i just dont think anybody else gets it like i do..  even u guys. well ill talk to you whenever.

[armaiti]

Courtney, I don't think even we can completely get what each other is going through...it's all so individual for each one of us...

I know that feeling too of being so angry and just wanting to kick some ass (I'm not always the spiritually advanced type lol)...I saw Ishaq's ex-girlfriend a few months after he died and she said some AWFUL things to me (about him, she seems to like me just fine), things that were out and out lies...I have to completely avoid her, because the first time I was in shock, now if she said something I don't know that I wouldn't slap her.  Unfortunately, it's a small town, and she ends at some of the same places I do. 

When i get in a really bad mood and really angry, I go back to working out doing my kickboxing...all that punching and kicking and yelling really helps. 

I hope you keep writing and letting us know how you are.

Miss, I hope you find some relief to your pain!  I have to check, but I'm pretty sure I have a friend who had the surgery and went on to have two kids.

Linda, hang in there! Girlfriend, you are amazing!

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

oh courtney...

anna is rioght, our experiences are personal and differnt..yet so strangely the same.

it would be a great loss to this bb if you stopped posting..not just because of what you say, but because i, and all of us, would miss you.

miss....

hang in, my sis had endo and has 2 kids, you know what? it's just another pain in the ass...look at it like that. in perspective, it's nothing to what you've been thru, right? and everyone i know who had the surgery felt SO much better after, with cramps and pms..everything, so i'm sure it will be that way for you too.

linda..

how you doing? i think about you so much....and i am grateful for you that you can come here and vent....we're all pulling for you.

anna...i can just see you kicking some ass in those high heels...the pic has me on the floor!

dorothy...

you winning???? how can anyone be as lucky as you?

allright...enough of me...

i'm thinking about you all...

and becky and lisa nad ALL of you, all of us.

peace,

michele

[lindat]

 

Michele,  Thanks for asking, I was really depressed yesterday, but doing a little better today.   I too am grateful that I can come here and vent.   Nothing really helps, but it is better to talk about it.

Courtney,  Each of us has a different situation and nobody can completely know what we are really going through.   Sometimes the only thing that helps is being able to vent and knowing that the ladies here understand more than anyone else in our lives.  I hope that you won't leave, I would miss you.

Anna, Thank you.

[missque]

yea i know its not a HUGE thing but im just annoyied i just wanna know either yes u have it or no kinda thing- i know it doesnt mean i wont have kids my mom had it and clearly im here lol, but it is a concern i have

[aprilmoonflower]

Baca- you so silly girl. of COURSE we know how much life sucks. duh!

Linda & Miss- hang in there!

[armaiti]

First off, the weather here SUCKS!  cold rainy nasty.  Yuck.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I am so up and down it's driving me crazy.  I went off coffee to help with heartburn, but without coffee I get horribly depressed.  So I'm trying to decide which is better...(I just had a Starbucks cappucino and feel better, I think I'm opting for heartburn over depression...)

I'm hoping it all works that my friend comes up from Ashland tomorrow.  She has been having some major problems with migraines and I'm praying she is fine because I'm really looking forward to being with her and I'm afraid if plans fall through I may have a major meltdown.  I'll be 53.  My second birthday without Ishaq  here.  He would always take me out to dinner and then give me a massage (he gave really good massages).  And then we'd plan a trip somewhere fun as my birthday present...I was always so much better at buying what I liked for myself, this was a good plan, plus he loved traveling much more than shopping. 

It's coming down to this - I'm really lonely.  I have a lot of friends, mostly women though. So, Michele, I decided to take your advice and give plentyoffish another try.  I changed my profile a bit...let me know what you think:

http://www.plentyoffish.com/member7790542.htm

Anyway, I'm trying to get motivated to clean the house...hard when it feels like the middle of winter.  Wish I had a fireplace...on the up side, at least I don't have to feel guility about not working in the garden today.

[rodless]

prilosec each morning..then you can drink coffee, eat pizza etc.

Nice today after storms. The sun is almost out. After seeing video of Iowa town leveled by tornado, I am feeling very grateful for what I have even if I don't have Rod. Somtimes I need a wake up call.

[armaiti]

I'm pretty adamant about not taking any other drugs than ibuprofen...so we'll see what happens.  I'm thinking of doing digestive enzymes instead, see if that helps...

I know what you mean about the wake up call too.  Listening to the news about China, about the tornado, about Myanmar...so much death and destruction everywhere...I have my health, I have my friends...and I had a great love, something that many of my friends haven't had yet.  And I have my kitties to snuggle with (even if Mckenzie is soaking wet from the rain when she noses under the covers). 

[lindat]

After Katrina, when there was nothing left and I thought I had lost everything.....  I found out 4 short months later when Terry died that I really hadn't lost anything - it is all perspective.   When I went back home to MS after he died, people were still depressed about losing stuff, they still didn't get it.   When I watch a documentary about my town or New Orleans, I always cry - not because of what we lost but because he was still alive then and he thought we lost everything too.   Too soon, I was left alone to eventually realize the truth. 

[armaiti]

I just got an email that a friend of ours has a malignant brain tumor, with no treatment options..he and his wife met at one of our Sufi camps when they were both in their 70's...I still remember watching him body surf in the very cold water off the Washington coast even though we'd been told to stay out of the water because of sneaker waves...they are both such vital, strong people, splitting their time between a farm in Canada and the California coast...it just makes me so sad to think of them going through this.

[lindat]

Anna,

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.   I just lost a friend to the same thing last week - he only lived 3 weeks after his diagnosis.   It just sucks.

BTW, I read your profile on POF and I think it is great, hopefully someone nice will respond.   I have gotten pretty fed up with the personals, the ones that seem positive don't respond and there is way too much response from some.   Perhaps it just takes patience - I don't seem to have any to spare lately :X

[mishknit]

anna...

so sorry about your friend.

i was with some people tonite at a retirement party for my dentist...

something about our 50-60 age range. things just happen. sad and scary..and we know it, really.

i liked your profile, the only thing i might say is to perhaps be a little less specific i terms of widows, people who have lost thier loves. hte thing is, and i'm sure you know this, we all have lovely friends who have not had that experience, and to be so specific is, maybe, leaving potential friends out.

just a thought.

if i knew how to make a link, i'd send you to my profile, but i have no idea how to do it..so sad! lol! i do have dating on mine tho, so it is different, but i do say i'm a widow, etc...

linda..

i imagine that you don't have a lot of patience for much of anything right now, and i am so sorry.

I had an intersting experience today. i had to send a card to a friend who lost her husband..not a very close friend....have only seen her and her husband a few times since tom died. we run in different circles...you know.

but, anyway....i haven't had to write that kind of note since tom died.

i think i did a good job...bt it was intimidating. we all know so much, we all know how it will go, even though it's differnet for everyone there are a lot of similarities....anyway. i hope she takes comfort from it, from me, who knows, you know.

good luck anna....just don;t pay attention to the nuts, and who knows?

peace,

michele

[Error username not found]

[shadow=darkred]HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANNA!!!![/shadow]

hope you have a lot of fun today!

and thenx everyone..im not leaving .. i just have my days where i dont wanna talk to anyone..thatz all. i would miss you guys too! =)

[lindat]

Michele,  Fact of the matter is that I just need someone in my life so that it won't be so hard when Jim leaves.   I have rewritten my profiles until I am blue in the face, but if I say too much they don't respond and yet I worry about the first time that we meet and they notice the wig.   I finally took off all references to medical problems for now, but that feels wrong.  I would rather be honest up front, but it just hasn't worked.   The sleezy ones come out of the woodwork and that grosses me out.  It is so hard to meet someone this way, but there aren't many alternatives unfortunately.   I have found a Dining Club that goes out to eat at a different restaurant every 3 weeks and I was hoping to sign up for Zumba or some kind of dance lessons just to stay busy.  

During my Dr. visit today, my oncologist scheduled another heart test for Friday and an appt with a cardiologist - also on Friday.   So it looks like I won't be dancing for awhile.   They will likely take me off the Herceptin temporarily until my heart can function normally again - we hope.   She said today that the positives from the drug will definitely be negated if it causes heart failure - duh.   I have known for awhile that I wasn't feeling as I should - but she wouldn't listen, now I have her attention and hopefully things haven't gone too far south. 

I sometimes wish I could just go to sleep and wake up when the radiation is over and my hair is back - sounds chicken ****, but I am so over being sick all the time.  On the bright side - no infusion next week and only 2 Dr. visits.  Radiation starts a week from Monday and will be every day M - F for 6 1/2 weeks.  As soon as radiation is over, I am driving to MS to see my daughter and grandkids for a couple of weeks.   The very hardest part of everything will be watching Jim drive away, or driving away first - somehow I know I will survive but it seems impossible right now.   One foot in front of the other, breathe - I know the drill, but I can't live without hope that someday, somehow I will be happy again, not sure how to drum that up.   Thanks for listening.

[lindat]

Happy Birthday Anna

I'm glad Baca, hope today was better for you.

[armaiti]

Well, here it is, my birthday.  I'm feeling pretty down.  This whole thing with our friend having the terminal brain tumor really put me into a meltdown yesterday.  I talked to Ishaq's best friend, who's girlfriend died of a brain tumor last year, and she was only 40 or so.  He also was having a meltdown. 

I haven't heard from my friend yet who is coming from Ashland.  I'm hoping things don't fall through with that.  And we'll see if my dad remembers my birthday, though if he forgets it won't be the first time.  It's like he remarried into his new family and I found mine with Ishaq's family, though I manage to remember his birthday.  Sigh.  I'm just feeling pretty down and "so what?" that it's my birthday.  Hopefully the day will improve.  I'm not even excited anymore about going to the Sex and the City premiere tomorrow, and I've been following all the news about it fairly religiously. 

Michele, about the profile - I don't want to meet a lot of other folks, I only want to see if I meet other folks who've gone through the same thing as me.  I don't have the energy to wade through a bunch of people who don't get it, or who would be uncomfortable with me talking about Ishaq, because that's what I want to find - someone who lost a partner who also wants someone to talk to about them while going out sometimes to dinner or for a walk.  I don't want to date, or get involved with someone who wants more than that.  So I did this one even more specific to try and weed out the responses I got before (some of whom could hardly communicate in complete sentences)

Oh, and the raccoons deflated my little plaid wading pool.  Glad it was only $10.  But it looks right now how I feel - deflated.

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Ok, my dad called, and my friend will be here by dinner...so things are looking up a bit.  I cleaned up the house, got dressed, put on some Manolos...that always helps...

[rodless]

Happy birthday, Anna! I hope your day perks up, it's hard to have a special day without a special someone to share it with. Do something nice for yourself and know that a lot of us are sending good thoughts in the direction of Oregon. Mary Jo

[laquinn]

Anna Happy Birthday. I hope you are feeling better now that your dad has called, I know what you mean about that. Before my dad passed it was like if he thought of it he would call or send a card and if he didn't oh well. Have fun tonight!

Hope all of you are doing ok today. I feel better today now that the sun is out and I am off work.

Been missing Randy alot the past few days not sure why so much more now than before but I will get through all of this soon I hope.

Have a good day! Lela

[rodless]

Missing Rod.... I'll be fine for several days and then it hits me hard again, usually in a situation where some random thing makes me think about him. Like seeing the back of a man's head with silver hair and a ball cap walking down the street.

I had a difficult Saturday afternoon. A friend from church lost her husband to a sudden heart attack. I worked at the funeral lunch and it was so hard to watch all of it happening to someone else and to hear some of the stupid things clueless people were saying to her. Although maybe she was like me and at the time did not really comprehend how dumb some of the comments were....that comes later. My favorite one was "at least he didn't have to suffer." ARGHHHHHHHHHH!

Otherwise I'm doing fairly well at the moment. We're expecting strong storms with a high possiblity of tornados so if you don't hear from me again, it means I blew away. Somedays that would have been fine but I'm back to thinking there might be a future out there somewhere so I guess I'll hang in and see what happens.

[mishknit]

Hy anna...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

of course you feel down, but it seems you've made plans and that's so smart.

and the shoes...alwyas the shoes! lol!!

i hope it's a good one.

they are all so bittersweet, but we get through them.

you have a number of people here thinking of you and wishing you love and a better next year....

peace, michele

[armaiti]

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes!  It really helped pick up my spirits.

My friend  Jamila and I went out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, turns out there was another, wilder table there with two women celebrating their birthdays the same day. I talked to them a bit, it was fun to find other folks...also one of the women asked me "are you forty-two too?" which made me feel pretty good, since I turned 53 yesterday!

And Ishaq's daughter called me from medical school to wish me a happy birthday, and his son, who just had the baby, sent me birthday wishes as well. That made me feel even better, because I know I'll always be part of their family.

Then a few other girlfriends came over and we had some wine and talked and visited.  I  let Jamila try out some of my shoes for the premier tonight, but no go...I don't want to be responsible for her breaking her neck!  Though it was fun to try to teach her to walk in heels!

I was a little disappointed because I didn't have a dream with Ishaq visiting me, but I have a feeling he's a little busy right now both with his granddaughter, and our friend with the brain tumor...and I know he'll be around again soon, so I'm not sweating it the way I used to. 

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

"HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ANNA"  ...   I hope as the years go by you will have many, many wonderful years ahead of you.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Thanks!

I went to Sex and the City The Movie last night and had a great time.  We just got back from garage saling and going out to lunch at a nice restaurant.  So I'm having a pretty good weekend even though the weather is yucky.

...and here's my ensemble for going to the movie last night, including my Manolos!

[aprilmoonflower]

lol on the shoes Anna! =)  happy belated bday!

[mishknit]

anna..

you look amazing!!!!

love the whole outfit,

and so glad you had a good time.

now, if i go see that movie, it'll be in the middle of the afternoon, with my jeans and a tshirt and flipflops....lol.

so very sad,

peace,

michele

[alwaysalone]

Happy Belated Birthday Anna!

You do look amazing and should be proud of it. I'm sure Ishaq is! You are certainly a great "role model" for all of us that are newer to this experience than some. You have such a good grasp of the here and now, without giving up the wonderful parts of the past. I still don't enjoy music - too many memories, and it was such a part of my life. I can't wait to get to that point.

Love,

Kate

[Error username not found]

OMG ANNA!!!! YOU LOOK SOO GOOD!! I LOVE YOUR WHOLE OUTFIT!! where the hell did u get that bag?? nd those shoes?? LOL.. i would so wear that!!

[armaiti]

Thanks guys!  I'm feeling pretty good about how I'm doing right now...and lol, that may change!

Courtney, the bag's a Linea Pelle.  I got it during their online sample sale.  I'll PM you some links to where I get super online shopping deals...I never pay full price for anything, and I almost never buy something unless it's at least 70% off.

We're going out to breakfast and then my friend is heading back to Ashland.  My allergies have finally kicked in, so I'm a bit housebound until my allergy medicine starts to work.   Though it rained again last night, so hopefully that settled the pollen.

Funny, I haven't freaked out that Ishaq didn't come to me in a dream for my birthday.  I often have communication with him around "special" days...but I also feel he is probably with our friend who has the brain tumor, helping ease his path to the next plane, and that's fine with me if he's there instead of with me. 

Oh, and Michele, keeping the "I only want to meet widowed people" on plentyoffish has its advantages - it's an easy way to let someone down who wants to meet me, who I know I would have NOTHING in common with - without having to make him feel out and out rejected. ...and I got added to someone's favorites list for the first time - a long haired tatooed biker guy named "Thor"!!  (maybe it was the scooter picture! LOL)  Anyway, you are right, it kind of boosts your ego and how you feel about yourself, to see all the profiles of guys checking out your profile, even if you have no intention or desire to date them!

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend and thanks again for all the great support....I honestly don't know how I would have gotten to 53, one year, twenty-two months and one day after my beloved Ishaq's passing.

Blessings,

Anna

[armaiti]

Thanks guys!  I'm feeling pretty good about how I'm doing right now...and lol, that may change!

Courtney, the bag's a Linea Pelle.  I got it during their online sample sale.  I'll PM you some links to where I get super online shopping deals...I never pay full price for anything, and I almost never buy something unless it's at least 70% off.

We're going out to breakfast and then my friend is heading back to Ashland.  My allergies have finally kicked in, so I'm a bit housebound until my allergy medicine starts to work.   Though it rained again last night, so hopefully that settled the pollen.

Funny, I haven't freaked out that Ishaq didn't come to me in a dream for my birthday.  I often have communication with him around "special" days...but I also feel he is probably with our friend who has the brain tumor, helping ease his path to the next plane, and that's fine with me if he's there instead of with me. 

Oh, and Michele, keeping the "I only want to meet widowed people" on plentyoffish has its advantages - it's an easy way to let someone down who wants to meet me, who I know I would have NOTHING in common with - without having to make him feel out and out rejected. ...and I got added to someone's favorites list for the first time - a long haired tatooed biker guy named "Thor"!!  (maybe it was the scooter picture! LOL)  Anyway, you are right, it kind of boosts your ego and how you feel about yourself, to see all the profiles of guys checking out your profile, even if you have no intention or desire to date them!

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend and thanks again for all the great support....I honestly don't know how I would have gotten to 53, one year, twenty-two months and one day after my beloved Ishaq's passing.

Blessings,

Anna

[missque]

i just read some of the posts- i had no idea you had joind on pleny of fish... i did it to (before i knew u had lol) more just to talk to people maybe make some friends and getused to the idea of talking to other guys... ive talked to 2 different ones so far they are really nice and we had great chats but now im kinda over them. like not chatty with them or anything... i dont know why i guess its just me deep down not wanting anyone other than jeremy. they both know about him sorta- like the situation and stuff but now its like im finding everything they both say to just bug me and i dont know why... i guess i want my jer back

[armaiti]

Yeah, I went on it and then off it after I got contacted by a kind of wierd guy...then I put the profile back up, since it would be nice to meet someone, either man or woman, gay or straight or ANYTHING, who has lost their partner too...just to have someone physically here in the same town to hang out with and talk about it...I don't want anyone but Ishaq, either...

...like I told my friend this weekend, what I really need is a gay boyfriend, like Stanford on Sex and the City, just a great guy, who is a close friend, and who doesn't have a wife or girlfriend who gets wierd if I go out and hang with them!

[missque]

im not looking to meet people who've lost someone (obviously i wouldnt find many at my age anyways) just trying to getused to chatting with new men but yea i dunno im just bothered by the 2 now they are nice but its me just finding faults- either way im sure its my mind telling me something

[armaiti]

Wow, it's been quiet here for a couple of days...how is everyone?  I'm dealing with nasty headaches from sinus/allergy stuff, I don't think I've gone one day in a week without one...yuck.   I managed to ignore them some on my birthday (or beat them into oblivion with wine), but now they've come back with a vengance.

Hope everyone is doing ok, or even better than ok,

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Everything is okay on my home front.  I am back to normal from my lack of sleep in Vegas............who can sleep when you are having fun.  The CHER concert was out of this world.  What a great performer.  I realize she had a lot of body work done  but her energy level  is unbelievable......not bad for the age of 62.  I had such a great seat......................I could actually see the seams in her body suit.  Normally once I see a show it's a done deal.  I would go back again to see her.  She is fantastic. 

I plan on being back in Vegas on 8/11.  Will anyone be in the area? 

Running out ................. going to early ZUMBA...

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missque]

things are alright here-- I got backstreet boys tickets for the toronto show- they sold out REALLY fast. Though its lame lol- my friends and I havent missed a concernt since grade 7 so it will be lots of fun- plus theres a bar there that we can go too. I'm really looking forward to it- its one of those things i guess thsts "stable" in my life- you know no matter what ill always go where as now everything seems so different in my life.. i know it sounds werid lol