I Miss Him So...

[aprilmoonflower]

I am looking for homes for them already! We will keep at least 1. (the spotted one!)

[justamom]

Hi girls, April, the puppies are so cute. I love the music on your site too. Phish is still one of my favorites and I Love the string cheese incident as well. We have really similar music tastes if I remember. The festival in Pagosa Aprings would be great. Let me know if you are coming - it is only a few hours away for me and I love Pagosa Springs!Anything for live music!

Anna, I watched PS I Love you today - oh my gosh. I haven't cried like that for a long time! I think I needed it though, it is all in there somewhere gagging me up. Had to get it out. I Loved the shoes too.

I agree the warm weather makes me miss him more - yard work! I hate to do it alone and he loved getting into it. I have a hard time planning my summer without him. He loved hiking and camping, fishing, waterskiing. Live music at Red Rocks. It is all so different now. Had a hard day because the court found the kid who hit us "incompetent" for a second time. Never mind the fact that he graduated from high school and has a job with an insurance company and plays in a band. Almost 2 and a half years later and no resolution. Our system is a tough one to believe in.

Thinking of you all, Hope you are doing okay. Take care, Lisa.

[mishknit]

Hi all..

i love live music too..

wish i could join you guys...but you two should really do it, a chance to meet without winning powerball! lol!

and april, those puppies are so cute! i wish i could take one.

i watched ps too..

cried a lot, a lot i could and couldn't relate to.

but i'm ready to head to ireland..cuz there are good guys there! lol! or at least, awfully cute.

but i bet anna was excited by those shoes!

i played poker with my girlfriends last night...a monthly thing for the past, i don't know, 17 years or so, and i have to say, that i laughed so hard and so long, and it was one of the first times that i didn't stop laughing and wonder why everyone kept going..you know? i just was totally in the moment, enjoying it.

and i didn't feel guilty afterwards..which is even bigger.

i'm really starting to get in touch with the fact that i'm alive..and there are certain things that i do that i know are not good for me, and i'm beginning to see that....

i don't know.....

what is the date today? 2 years, almost 4 months later, i am still cleaning up messes, dealing with leftover stuff, and strating to reealie that i have a life that needs to be lived.

peace,

michele

[missque]

today is the last time i saw jeremy- tomorrow will be the 1 year.... he left to go to class and gave me a kiss goodbye and then he had to go to work.... we had just moved in together 2 weeks earlier and he still hadn'y un packed yet so i decided to surprise him by unpacking all his stuff and getting it set up i wanted him to come home and just be happy that it was done *hes a guy- hes not up for 'un packing' lol* while he was at work he always comes on msn and we talk - this time i was ignoring him i told him i was busy but wouldnt tell him why... he then told me that he was going out with the guys to the bar (he never really did that- even when he was going out with the guys it was always them plus me) i think deep down i knew something bad was gonna happen like that feeling we all get cuz i got really mad- i said he was going out to piss me off and find another girl (we had been sorta fighting ever since we moved in together yet for no reason i was mad at him cuz i thought he was mad at me and vise versa) we got really heated over msn and said a lot of things that i know he didnt mean and neither did i... i woke up the next mornring and he wasnt home- i figured he stayed at his friends house because of our fight... then his mom called me

i miss him tons... just wanting today to pass so i can go up north tomorrow and be with our friends on the 1 year- its hard for me to think its already been a year it seems like it was just yesterday bu at the same time it seems like it was forever ago...

im so sick too- i just wanna feel better because i have to go to work tonight and i dont wanna be feeling like crap all weekend- i have strep and then it turned into a really bad head cold

[rodless]

Michele....getting in touch with the fact you're alive. I like that. Despite the backslips like yesterday, most days now I realize that there's nowhere to go but forward even if forward is different than I wanted it. Can't believe I've been at this for almost 2 years. I just plain get tired of grieving!

Miss, sorry you're feeling so rotten. The one year mark is a big one and I think you will do a little better when it's bedind you. 

Lisa, my family spent lots of summers living on the Boulder campus while my dad took classes. Red Rocks was a favorite! I need to see Colorado again...it's been too long. So sorry about the court mess. That has to be really rough not to have some resolution.

Mary Jo

[Error username not found]

[laquinn]

Today was a very emotional day for me. First off I got up and it was raining and rained  all day. I had today planed out for about a month and it rained. At 5 pm me my kids and their family, several friends and guys from the police department that Randy retired from meet at the cematary. For today was National Police Officers Day. I had 52 ballons in different color blues put cards on them saying

In loving memory of Randle Quinn 9-11-55 / 10-12-07

In honor of National Police day MAy 15, 2008

After the chaplin saying a short prayer and me thanking everyone for coming to say Thanks we all released the ballons together. In between the rain. It was so beautiful all those ballons going south all at once.

But before doing that when I got there his headstone was there! I did not know it was ready the man was to call me when it was done and he didn't. It was such a shock and it is so beautiful. But the guy who did it knew I wanted it up for today, so I am glad that it was there.

Afterwards we all went out for pizza I came home and on the front porch was a hugh potted geraniums. No card no nothing. Don't know where it came from.

Wow what a day! Kinda sad but was a good day. Even with all the rain.

When I get the pics developed I will post some.

Have a good rest of the night talk to you all soon.

Lela

 

 

[mishknit]

that's wonderful lela..

so glad the day turned out like you wanted it to.

peace,

michele

[rodless]

Lela, I'm glad your day went ok. There sure was a lot of emotion packed into it. Those kind of days are exhausting and exhilerating at the same time. Looking forward to seeing pics...Mary Jo

[missque]

made it north today getting rady to go out and put flowers at the accident and then tomorrow im going to Jer's friends grave to leave some there... i haven't cried yet but i know i will- i can feel it all building up in me just need 1 lil thing to set me off lol - i can't believe a year has already gone by

[armaiti]

Miss, I'm thinking of you today...one year is a big thing, I'm glad you are able to be with friends.

Lela, I'm glad the day went so well for you too.  It sounds like a beautiful ceremony!

April, congrats on the puppies!

It's hot here, in the nineties, breaking records.  Tomorrow is our Willamette Valley Music festival and I'm going to ride the scooter over  It's by the river, and it's free which is nice!  It's always strange to go to these things without Ishaq go.

I bought a little pool at Target and put it up in the backyard (it's plaid! from the Cynthia Rowley collection they have there, and I got flip flops that match it).   Tonight I'm going with a friend to the Middle Eastern Dance guild show, so at least I'm keeping busy. 

Hope everyone has a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[alwaysalone]

Anna,

The puppies are beautiful!  More proof of how life does go on.  Doug's great niece was born last week - another precious reminder that life goes on - at least for some.  I read your profile on the site - are you still near Hilton?  I live in Webster - been here almost all my life. It's weird to think we're so close!

Kate

[aprilmoonflower]

Kate- you are confusing me (April) with Anna. lol. 

I grew up in Hilton/Rochester. Now I live on the Mexican border in S. AZ. I have been out here since 1994. btw I assume you have heard of the "webster house"? that haunted house there? I went there as a teenager and it was scary! otherwise I don't recall a whole lot about that area. (Webster) I went to MCC and also graduated from We-mo-co in Spencerport and Hilton HS obviously! I have not been back in 12 years! I really should plan a trip to see the family as it's been so long! (they come out herea least, most of them) but traveling with 2 small kids that far, eek!

Miss- thinking of you today.

Lela- ((hugs))

it was in the 90's here last week. Now just inthe 80's. good weather!!! my tomato plants are all wilty though. we have salad bowls growing prety well though.

Lisa- it would be great to meet up if we come up! I will let you know SOON! (and YES I miss Phish and SCI!!!)

Anna- I got a blow up pool for my kiddies too. lol. the only bad thing is if I put it in the front yard the dogs will get into it, in the backyard (the ducks and goats) so I will have to empty it each time and bring it inside. ahh well.

[Error username not found]

You know april.. lately theres been something about you, for some reason, that reminds me of my sister. well anyway i looked at your xanga page ..and it turns out u guys have the same birthday. hmm...

Anyway hope everyones good.

 Bye.

[armaiti]

Well, my day started off awful...just felt like I couldn't go on, I kept thinking here it's summer again, and Ishaq's not here to swim in the river with, go to the coast with, wake up with.  I just went back to bed for a while, I felt so awful.  Then I got up and watered the garden and went off to a few things.  Rode the scooter around town and did some wine tasting.  It was ok...but I just feel sometimes that I'm only going through the motions of living.

I tried the Plentyoffish website to see if I could find any other widowed folks to meet, but all I got was some very odd comments from someone who wasn't even very, er, understandable.  And the Wink one, from our local independent paper, only contact I got was from a guy 10 years younger than me who's mom had died and who is bagging groceries while he goes back to school...and he felt waaaay too needy, when I wrote back and explained I was only looking for other widowed people.  Sigh.  I cancelled the Plentyoffish one, it just seemed too odd for me to deal with. 

Funny, I did have one friend who had lost his wife, he was a few years older than me, but he remarried last year, a woman half his age, and he isn't into meeting me for coffee or anything anymore.  Maybe she doesn't approve or something...too bad, I enjoyed his company.  He's from Liverpool, and I enjoyed his accent and he was a big flirt and made me feel good about myself, but safe, because I knew he didn't expect anything.  I miss that.  It sucks that the wives of male friends get all wierd when you become a widow, when they were fine with you hanging out with their husbands when your partner was alive.  Guess it's just another thing we have to deal with.  Anybody else go/going through this sort of thing?

Anyway, I went wine tasting and brought home a couple of nice bottles...I'm going to hang out at home tonight and watch a movie - nothing sappy or depressing, I've got that Bob Dylan-themed movie "I'm Not Here" so I guess I'll check that out.

Hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[mishknit]

oh anna...

those days when it hits, ugh!

i usually go back to bed and don't get up...at least you went out and did something..that's very healing.

i'm grateful that, i think, none of my friends feel threatened....things have actually gotten more back to normal over time, since right after tom died...well, for a while, actually, it seemed that i just did things with my girlfriends, and husbands weren't around..it felt weird. i started to despair of ever seeing my guy friends again....but, with time, that's changed. i think they were being kind....not making me a 5th wheel, not parading that stuff in front of me, yet, to me,i just missed my boyfriends..you now. normalization has occured tho, and it's getting better.

i have been on plentyoffish for months and months...you gotta give it a little time! lol. plus, one of the best parts of that was how weird it was....guys sending me near-naked pics, saying the weirdest stuff...it became entertainment for me,,FREE entertainment. but that's certainly not for everyone and i totally understand you not doing it.

i have to tell a story..just happaned last night and it was so interesting.

i went to a friends for dinner....longmarriedcouple, me, another friend of ours who's divorced. we had a great time...but at one point my friends were quietly hissing at each other about something (and all of you must remember some of that), and my friend asked what was wrong. and my woman friend (married) said " oh, just us fighting about something stupid..luckily you two don't have to worry about that anymore".

well, i just...we'll i started laughing because as she said it i could see she realized what she said and would have given her left arm to take it back, but i also just looked at her and said "'that was the STUPIDEST thing that you have ever said"....and she apologized and was so stricken.

the thing was, that i was proud of standing up and saying the truth, but, because she is such a great friend and just , really, was being clueless, i had to laugh too. i guess at the absurdity of it all, the fact that she said that, that tom isn;t here, that people move on while we still have to live with it, that i would give 10 years of my life to have him back for one day..even if we fought all day long....

you all know.

and that's why i can tell the story here..because you all do know.

and i'm thankful for that, and all of you.

miss...i hope you're doing ok....the year is so hard.

write soon and let us know that you're ok.

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

Michele, that's a great story, and it's great you could say that to her!

I actually just got back from the folk festival (again).  A friend and her husband were going and asked if I wanted to go so I said yes.  It was all blues tonight so that was good, the music was much better quality.  I danced some and hung out and saw a few other friends.   I was doing good until one of the singers started "Me and Bobby McGee", that was Ishaq's dad's favorite song and he always had Ishaq and I sing that song for him whenever we visited.  So I just kept breathing and I didn't loose it, luckily, and it was just about then that my friends were ready to leave so that was good timing.

As for the plentyoffish thing, there were only like two widowed people on there, and I only wanted to meet other widowed people to be friends with, I don't want to date or meet someone new for a relationship, so it doesn't seem like the place for me.  The problem with Eugene is it is basically a small town and I know most everyone who is similar to me spiritually.  

[aprilmoonflower]

I had a bad day too yesterday. I hit my head (walked into a door) and am pretty sure I have a small concussion. I was fine in the morning (just dizzy and puky feeling) then the rest of the day very EXTREMELY sad & weepy. I thought I was going nuts   becaue it wss so sudden and out of nowhere! then looked it up and it says a sign and symptom of a concussion is a major mood change. (according to Mayo clinic) who would have thought??? Anyway my head hurts pretty bad today (much worse than yesterday) I didn't go to the ER because 1  I have no idea if I have health insurance and 2, how would that work with 2 little ones? (I have no babysitter or family and y friends are all 60 miles away)and 3, I would hate to tell some dr. I walked into a door!

otherwise I feel mean becuase when I have bad days now I just REALLY wish I never met DH. I really do believe this now. and the more time goes on I just REALLY wish I never got involved with him..I can see things so much clearer now. (sans head injury of course!) LOL

 

btw I hate it that I must act like he is such a saint to my kids. I am sick of THAT! why must I paint a picture that is a lie to my kids? I feel like i am doing them one more disservice w/ that. Obviously I am not going to tell them what a selfish, lying,addict/alcoholic, jerk he was! (but it's so true! I mean his actions clearly show this) but I don't even want to discuss him either much anymore, because well frankly thinking about him pisses me off and makes me see how dumb and guillable I was! but of course my 4yo brings it up and asks about him all the time. how do you explain to a child they are better off? I never knew my birth father either so I know how painful it can be..on the other hand will the cycle end with them? (especially for my daughter?) I can only hope. Now I understand perfectly why my own mother never spoke/speaks of my birth father much. Though I fully intend to tell them the truth when they are adults. In my eyes living a non authentic life = living a lie. I just can't force that upon them! Plus they should realize just because someone tells you what you want to hear doesn't mean they AREN'T selfish and have your best interests in mind. Anyway I am going to write it all down. just in case. it is really THAT important IMHO. I'd hate to think he died in vain. of course HIS family has accuse me of playing victim (And told me it's MY Fault he's dead?). I love to know how me and my kids AREN'T victims of DH stupidity and selfishness? a victim of his alcoholism and drug abuse? when he left this mess for us to clean up? hmmm. nice. it's funny how people will justify things to meet thier agendas.  just another eye opener.. and man I am so glad to be rid of all the BS passive agressive codependant people in my life! (DH included) but it's still there unerlying. especially when my kids start asking!

baca- that's funny. so your sis is an overly sensitive, mellow, self absorbed cancer,eh? (lucky you!) j/k

 

[missyouhoney811]

April, I am sending big hugs your way.  Wish I could help out in some way.  As far as telling the truth to your children about their father.................I would sit down and write all the feelings that you have in reference to him NOW......................a letter to give your children for a later date.  Sometimes when we hide the truth and try to explain it years down the road it does not come out as being believable.  Once you have everything on paper..............date it and put it in a safe place.  Thats my opinion.

I have been extremely sick for over a week.  I have been taking my meds and I think I am finally on the road of wellness.

Blessings to all......

Dorothy

WHERE ARE YOU LINDA?

[missque]

im having a very very bad weekend

[aprilmoonflower]

Miss- (((I'm sorry)))

Dorothy- yeah I'm working on writing it all down. the thing is the more I think about it the more screwed up I think DH mind actually was.  some of the things he did just screams mentally unstable and basically screwed in the head. you know like a personality or mental disorder or something..lol. I don't want them to hate thier father either or think he was crazy. Just know the truth.

[armaiti]

April, I hope your head is feeling better...

And Miss, I'm sending you (((Hugs)))

And Dorothy, I hope you feel better soon...

[missque]

im actually having a harder time today than i did on Friday.. I think cuz today i moved everything out just here with a few things now in my apt.. and today was the funeral last year *the day of the week not the date* my mom made a comment of 'last year we were driving up this day in the mornring for the funeral... this year we're moving you out'

i think its just the reality of moving and knowing that i feel like im leaving all this behind and i sooo odont wanna leave and then adding it on top of this being the one year mark

thank you for all the hugs and thoughts

[carlawarla]

It's hard to go on but my mother always said " when a door closes another one opens" look at it that way you never know what the future holds for you it might be something beautiful. I don't know if you have children but if you don't it's easier for you no pretending to be happy when you feel like screaming. My baby went away on april 7th and I would love to sell this house that holds so many happy memories would love to go far far away by myself but my kids don't want to sell this house. Well one step at the time, oneday at the day, sometimes one hour at the time and life , I'm sure, will go on. Hugs Carla

[armaiti]

I don't have kids, and it is not easier.  I haven't been truly happy for 21 months.  I get by, I have times of peace, maybe even contentment, but that joy felt when I was with Ishaq is gone.  He was my true soulmate, and there are no doors that can open for me that will ever make up for me having to live without him beside me.  I know the way he died was a blessing - he was actually in a river, laughing, when a blood clot stopped his heart - rather than his future on kidney dialysis since his kidneys were failing.   And the noble part of me is willing to live the rest of my life without his presence knowing he didn't have to suffer, while the not so noble part wants him back at any cost. 

I'm just having some shitty days...I'm tired of struggling to make ends meet, but I can't bear the thought of having a roommate in this little house.  I've thought about selling everything I own and paying off debt and moving, but I just signed another year lease here. 

I'm just having some really shitty days lately.  You'd think the nice hot weather would make me feel better, but it just makes me feel worse sometimes.  I may go to the ocean this week and spend the night, even if I can't really afford it, just to get away. 

Hope everyone else is having a better day than me :X

[rodless]

Ah Anna, what can I say. Except I seem to miss Rod more these past few days that I have for a long time, nothing satistfies me right now and I'm feeling like I need to make a big change. Maybe it's the timing? Do you suppose we will be better after July?? I can't believe we've been at this almost 2 years. I am reading a book Widow to Widow that really makes some point that hit home. If you can find a copy, you might want to try it. MJ

[carlawarla]

Life is not easy my babylove left me in a very difficoult financial situation. I work part time and the house is paid for but expensiv e to maintain. He always took care of me , he seldom showed his love but I know that his love for me went very very deep. Last year we went on vacation and he surprised me with a lunch at the restaurant right on the beach I was so happy I felt like a queen.He told me don't be too happy nothing lasts forever. He was so right.  Nothing lasts forever even if he always told me love you forever. Where is he? Is there nothing left of a lifetime together? I miss him so much. I miss him being there when I need him. He promised me a tour of the haunted castles in Scotland, he promised me a tour of Iceland, he promised me so many things where is he? He gave me so much and yet not enough

[lindat]

Sometimes it just feels too hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Last night on Extreme Home Makeover - the show was done in New Orleans, I thought I was doing okay to watch it but I wasn't.  Today I had to go to the hospital for Herceptin - which they are talking about pulling me off of because it is stressing my heart.  Then I had orientation to prepare me for radiation.  I watched two videos that showed all the risks and damage from the therapy.  They they did a mold and gave me tattoos to show them where to aim the radiation.   I had to take off my wig in front of everyone - nobody has seen me without it before.  I would have been okay with it if I had been told ahead, instead I had a meltdown that made me look like I was unstable.   Jim is leaving in only a month and I already feel so lost.   I am getting really tired.   The brick walls just get higher.   I want a different life.

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- (((ughh. how awful for you!)))

Anna- I hear you on the $ thing..we get social security, but lately it's not enough, what with having to save for legal bills, health ins,etc. It REALLY pisses me off I have to take food out of my kids mouths for THAT when it should have been spelled out clearly before he died. and then after he died it was just business as usual for those involved. (Including outright blackmail) I was specifically instructed tha I DIDN'T need a lawyer and paid  alsmost $20,000 of his salary to keep my mouth shut. what bullshit! it should be criminal the way the situation was taken advantage of.

Now I  almost feel like I should cancel our vacation and all the kids summer stuff we had planned cause that will be at least several hundred dollars. (SOOO not fair to them thoug)

Then to be USED, lied to and evaded AFTER his death. Then I find out he's got not only a corporation under his name and over $30,0000 of debt  but an LLC as well (Making his estate partially responsible for any debt incurred, which I fully intend to fight as I had no knowledge of this and was outright lied to my face over it by his father- which I feel was a criminal act) It's so rediculous.

Just a warning if anyone is thinking of allowing their family to USE their name for a business. here I am almost 3 years later and STUCK here now because of it. Not to mention my kids are suffering due to the consequences. having to pay legal bills that I should have never had any involvement with is just the final slap in te face.  it really makes me hate him more every day sadly. it also makes me see clearly how greedy people are. (Namely him and his family) I am SOOOO glad the cycle is stopping here for my kids.  but the legal stuff has me bound to this house and this state for now which makes me feel trapped. it really sucks. not to mention I will never trust anyone in that family again as long as I live  nor have a thing to do with them again.

I won't even start bitching about my falling apart house that I have no $ to fix now that I have legal bills to deal with!

I really wish I had never met him. I also think my kids should have NEVER been brought into this mess. I almost regret having them at this point cause they don't deserve their lives to be shortchanged due to others mistakes and idescretions. as it is my kids suffer indirectly which is so NOT fair.

Im actually glad he's dead though at this point. (I feel it was karma) does that make me a horrible person? if he were alive I would not want a thing to do with him knowng that I know now. so we are just better off the way things are.

[armaiti]

April, that really sucks.  I'm so sorry you are going through all this.  Ishaq was totally up front with me about money, in fact, I handled paying all the bills because he wasn't so savvy with the computer and I pay almost everything online. 

Linda, I'm so sorry you too are going through all this medical stuff.  Everyone here are such good people, it just doesn't seem fair...

Carla,  it is like waves, up and down.  There are days when I can smile again and then days like these last few where I couldn't care less if I do anything at all. 

A few things looking up ... I sold a bunch of stuff on eBay and someone bought a ton of stuff on my Cafepress online store, so money is trickling in.  I suppose collecting designer clothes is paying off because I can sell them on eBay and make a profit...shopping has been one of my few fun things to do, but I've had to cut back seriously. At least I can still shop for the stuff I sell online.  And yes, I've even sold a few pairs of Manolos...but I almost always get quite a bit more than I paid for them, so that's good.    Ishaq had really wanted to buy a house and we'd been looking but I am so glad we didn't get one because I'd be seriously screwed right now if we had. 

Mary Jo, I found that book at my library and put in a request for it.  I'll let you know what I think. 

Miss, how are you today?

And Dorothy, where are you?  A millionairess yet? LOL!

[aprilmoonflower]

I probably sound really bitter. I'm not! lol. just pissed off today!  I truly feel what comes around goes around though..I've seen it happen time and again.

I just don't appreciate the fact that I have been told I'm playing "the victim" by holier than thou former family members who just want to shut me up (again karma will bite them in the ass if it hasn't already). But I'd like to show a person or two the life of a victim though.

[armaiti]

I think you sound quite reasonably pissed off!  What a nightmare to go through on top of everything. 

I still hope you come out to Oregon.  And again, you can stay with me (though my house isn't very baby/toddler proof so you'll have to help me with that when you get here!)  I'm not camping at the Oregon Country Fair, so I'll be home every night here. 

[aprilmoonflower]

yeah I'm not sure we will make it up this year for OCF after all (but if not this year next year!) it's all up in the air currently! I'll lyk though Anna!

[Error username not found]

whoa..havent been here in a while and it seems everyone is pissed off. well..we all have reasons to be pissed off. oddly enough i was just thinking about all the things that pissed me off. theres always something. (but its not him my anger is directed at.)

and april..its more your facial expression in your pic. and some of the things you say. but its weird anyway lol.

and anna... o0o maann.. lol. its kinda good to hear you talking like that. i like it.

[missque]

ive been feeling really angry lately -- well mainly today the most... i went to Jer's dads for dinner along with his two brothers zack and josh and zacks girlfriend... it was so hard being there with all of us and not jer--zack and his girlfriend were telling me on the way home how they are saving for a car and have a joint bank account it was making me so sad and angry; as well zack has SO many manorisms that are just like jer- the way zack looks at his girlfriend or holds her hand it all reminds me of jer (not to mention they look alike) it was just making me so angry- like i should have those looks at me, and the hand holding, and the joint bank account with jeremy and saving for the car and the house so why dont i get it? why am i left laying here crying my eyes out because i miss him so much and know that i wont ever get that?

[mishknit]

we have all had such a BIG loss...\

no wonder we get pissed off.

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time miss....hang in there.

and anna and mary jo...i'm thinking mary jo is right.as you move toward your third year, that anticiaption thing kicks in again and it makes it harder.

if it's ANY comfort at all....i've found it better, easier, so far after making it thru 2 years. for me the 2nd year was harder, because the loss felt bigger and more permanent. now, well, i guess i'm used to it. i'm more surprised by good things than memories of tom. he's here, all around, plenty of winks, but it's not so sad all the time, if that makes sense.

april, my heart hurts for you..having to put up with so much from his family...and the reminders he left. i'm so sorry. but, you know, the kids are the GOOD part...they can break the cycle of that family, with your help, and you will do it, i know. i hope you can make your trip. sometimes we have to just go and trust the money will follow. i'm planning a trip (if my son doesn't have to be in summer school) that i really can't afford, but, he's 15 1/2 and he's not gonna want to be with me much longer, and i'm just going for it.

up the ca coast (show him where i scattered his dad), to sfran....stay with a friend there and do all the touristy stuff he's never seen, then up to the redwoods and then back down to visit our friend who owns a vineyard in sonoma. i just hope summer school doesn't screw it up..but, probably an 8-9 day trip where i only have to pay for 3 nights lodging....i gotta make it work. well, and gas..always that. but i drive a prius, which helps a lot!

you gotta make your trip work.

i need first hand info on anna's manolo's!! lol.

we just keep on it ladies, all we can do.

sadness, happiness, dealing with crap....that's what we have, being alive.

hugs to you all,

peace,

michele

[airymoon]

mish-- i think your story about the dinner thing was funny i know its not something that would be normally funny but i  would have laughed too and im sure with my husbands sense of dry humor he would have laughed write along with me. 

Anna-- plenty of fish is not for eeryone BUT while i was on it i did meet a widower who i contacted and we still talk on line. He lives in another state so the chances of us meeting are few but i can talk to him about a lot of what im feeling and he has a lot of sound things to say and never tells me what to do. So maybe give it time and you could find an online buddy?

Miss-- Im thinking of you I remember the one year. The actuall day wasnt as hard as the day before and the day after. I hope your doing ok. Please let us know

I havent been able to get on as often my comp has caught a virus and its hit or miss on the thing. I had a major melt down 2 days ago. Yesterday was month 23, It feels like its been so long I miss his laugh so much and his voice and his arms everything. I am so afraid i will forget him and i wont be able to keep him alive for my kids.

sometimes this is just too hard

[airymoon]

april- i have always made it a point to tellmy kids exactly how it is. Even with somethinglike this i would start telling them when you feel its comfortable. As far as your 4 yr old,  you can tell him that his dad loved him very much but that dad had some problems and then tell him about the drugs and drinking.  I know that sounds harsh but if you state it as facts and no emotion than he wont feel blind sided when he's older. I remember how i had to explain to my kis that thier favorite uncle was being arrested for drugs and how hard it was. They are older now and they now know first hand the dangers of those actions so maybe they wont be easiky pressured by their peers. Just something to think about.

BTW I dont like this format any better than i did when they first switched it I hate not being able to read the posts as i respond so i end up posting two or three times

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, this was the first day I actually started to feel normal.  I got my hair done, went to lunch, played the lottery and off I went to the Meadows Race Track in Washington, PA and played the slots.  Walked away once again with One Thousand Dollars in my purse.  I sat at the machine over four hours.  I only put in $20.00 of my money plus $30.00 in rewards.  When I got home I checked the lottery only to find out that 222 came out tonight.............it paid me Twenty Five Hundred Dollars.  I leave for Vegas on Monday morning.  Going alone once again. I am use to it now.

I hope I am able to go back to Zumba Class on Thursday.  I miss it so much.

Still trying to get the millions..............maybe one day.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Found this quote on a forwarded email:

   Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...it's about learning to dance in the rain.

[missyouhoney811]

MJ, love your quote.

[lindat]

Thanks MJ, I guess that really is the answer

[Error username not found]

i like that quote.

[armaiti]

I like the quote too.

No granddaughter yet, but at this point, she will be a Gemini, like me.

My birthday is next Thursday...maybe she'll be born on the same day!  That would be neat!

I'm feeling better, a bit more positive...had lots of dreams with Ishaq last night, which always makes me feel better.  

[mishknit]

oh linda....

i am so sorry you're having to go thru all this ****....

i wish i could just give you a big hug and tell you everyhting will be allright..

but, i can't.

i can only say that you are always in my thoughts,

and that i wish you the best.

you are so strong and so brave,

amd i bet you wish you could just collapse and ot be either of those things.

we all do.

somehow i think it's in your, in our make-up...that we soldier thru and move forward as we can.

but, huge hugs to you,.

love,

peace,

michele

[lindat]

Michele,   I feel the hug, ty.   Things haven't been alright since Katrina, but you're right and moving forward is all we can do.  Jim and I had a good day today doing Dr. visits, lunch and a movie (The Chronicles of Narnia) with no fighting, wish it could be this way all the time.   Even when we are fighting it is better than it will be when he is gone - I just don't want to go thru the loss again.   I don't know about brave etc., I have been a big baby lately.  I am really hating the radiation stuff and I feel so trapped.  Jim and you guys are the only ones that I can talk to about this because my family gets really upset when I am upset and it is hard to watch them go thru this.   Terry wouldn't have handled it well either so he wouldn't have been a big help.  

I am leaving in the morning to drive to Cincinnati for a wedding of the son of Terry's cousin that loaned us the beach house after Katrina.   A lot of Terry's family that I haven't seen since before he died will be there and it will be a good diversion for me from all this.  I used to be really good at driving and crying, and hopefully it won't be that way,  but it has been a real roller coaster lately.   Sometimes it is just too much to bear.   One foot in front of the other and eventually this too shall pass... 

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, peace to you all...

[mishknit]

you know what?

driving and crying is a GOOD thing.

especially when you say that your sis can't handle that....

that drive may be the best thing for you.

i drove and screamed the other night....first time in a long time, but...you know...

and i felt better after.

hopefully it will be good to see terry's family.

and jim is another loss. it's hard to take, another loss.

but then, what is life without takinga chance on the loss?

huge hugs,

cry...it will be good.

xo

peace

michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Have a safe trip Linda. I bet it will be good for you to get away..sending love and hugs.

we had a 3hour power outage today, along with that my desktop crashed  (with 6 years of pics on it) waaaa. some were backed up, but many were not. I hope it can be fixed! (right now it doesn't even start,ugh) thankfully I have my trusy laptop. anyway just one more thing that needs repairing around here (like everything else)!

also I had a very scary drama going on within my single parent group that I help organize with 2 other women. turns out one of our members (who has been around my kids numerous times) is a level 2 sex offender. I am so sick to my stomach!!!! the man is perfectly nice, but I always did have a weird feeling about him..now I know why! I think I will now be background checking every new person I meet now! (especially men!)

[armaiti]

Linda, I'm sending you love and hugs too for your trip.  Sometimes just getting away for a while is a good thing.

April, that is sooo scary.  You never know who folks are these days.  At least you guys found out. 

Dorothy, hope you're feeling better too.

I got a call from a friend, her husband is out of town for the weekend, so we're going to go to some of the local wineries sometime this weekend for the events around Memorial Day, so that should be fun. It has been cold and pouring rain here off and on - after that week of near 90!  Ishaq's sister always says we don't have global warming, we have global confusion.  I think she's right.

Still no grandbaby yet! 

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, I am feeling better not 100% but I was able to complete a Zumba Class last night.  It felt so good being back.

I am leaving for Vegas on Monday morning.  After reading over my paper work from the Venetian I realized the trip is a Slot Tournament for the four days.  Many chances of winning more money, prizes (including cars).  It is a treasure hunt for the Spirit of the Sea Slot Tournament. The Registration/Sweepstakes Earning Period begins 3 PM on the 26th.  I should be at the hotel by 12:30 and sign in and hit the slots.  I also have a ticket to see Cher on Wednesday night.  I just  might go and see Wayne Brady's Show.  I do like him I think he is very funny. 

I will be off to the cemetery shortly to take the sadle off John's headstone and also the plant container from  my mother's grave.  I think I will put another one on for Father's Day.

April,  I check by zip code on the net to see what is actually living in my area.  You never expect to find so many sick bastards in  the neighborhood.  They are out there. My mother use to say you can find good in everyone.........very not true in todays world.  I feel there are more bad than good in this world today.  The punishment is not hard enough.  Thinking back on some of the cases that I had to deal with when I was working in the court system.  I see no harm in having a knight that goes around at night to clean the city up.  No questions should be asked....scum is scum and should be treated as such.  My mouth is running I better sign off.

Linda, hugs, prayers and blessings to you.  I think of you very often. You are strong, hero type material......Looking for the day when you let us know that everything you have been going through is in the past...Praying for a healthy, long furture for you.

Blessings,

Dorothy