I Miss Him So...

[airymoon]

carla dont worry about forgetting him. All of that is a natural defense mechanism i think. It happened to me too and i paniced and cried and thought i was going nuts but then one day i just saw him again and all th memeories were crystal clear again and they didn't hurt as bad.

becky

[missque]

Ive had a really bad weekend.

So with jeremy's best friends getting married (he was to be the best man) its been hard to even deal with as well as knowing that him and i wont ever get that. just thinking of it makes me so sad. they are doing a memorial part at the begiing and lighting candels for everyone whos died (theres 8 in total to have done) so its gonnabe a hard wedding its just a few weeks away too...

I still can't get the picture of Jeremy in his caskit out of my head. Its all i see whenever i think of him...

Things were really bad this weekend - I got my second comment about getting over it. I was told that Jer and I only dated for 7 months and that I'mway to attached to him and I need to get over it since its been more than a year. I dont get people... first off- did they date him uh NO! 7 months yea may be a short time but if you combine all the time we spend apart it would add up to maybe 2 weeks in total. we were together every single day from the first date till the end- we had moved in together within this 7 months so yea maybe I am attached but thats cuz it was VERY serious to the both of us. its one thing if we broke up at least i could move on knowing tht its cu he didnt love me anymore but knowing that i didnt have a decision in this and neither did he how can people say this? i just hate it soo much!! i just wanna tell pepople to go **** themselves (sorry for the language). but since when was it other peoples problems what i do and feel. Its like if you think i wish to feel this way every day than you are seriously stupid. I hte feeling upset, broken hearted, sad, angry depressed an all the feelings we go though in a day. I'd love to move on but i cant...

I just hate people so much and I want jer back because I wouldnt have to put up with this stuff if he didnt die.

[sweetbabegirl]

Hey everyone,

Been a few days since I've read the posts. Before my husband passed away, he made me promise not to change the summer with the grand kids. They live in San Diego, and every summer we keep them for 2 months. He said he didnt want anything changed the first year. They arrived and I truly thought things would be better, they would keep me busy enough I would not grieve so much. (WRONG). The 2nd day they were here they wanted to fish as papa always took them. I grabbed the poles and bait and realized there were no hooks on the poles...well I suggested they play on their riding toys, and within 15 minutes the batteries died.....I just looked up at the sky and asked why??????? Then my son and I have been working on putting the pool up and it has taken 3 weeks, yesterday we finally were at the filling it stage and (poof) it leaked....went to do laundry and the spin cycle stopped working....(screams). I didn't ask for any of this. Ray always said I was a strong person, but my shoulders are becoming weak.

I too get people telling me its time to move on....and I'm like what, it's only been 2 months...I have been with him 21 years, known him since we were both 15 years old, and they think he can be forgotten that fast?? If there is anyone out there that can move on that soon after losing a loved one I would have to question what love they had??? I'm with you......If and when I am ready to move on I will, it is MY decision. I just tell them until they walk in my shoes they need to eaither lend an ear of sympathy or leave me alone.

I sure hope ya'll had a better week end then I did.

Diana

[genevieve]

I went for lunch on Friday with a friend from work and met his wife for the first time. I brought along language course and book of Nick's, since they are studying the same thing now. His wife asked how I had the books, and I explained that they were Nick's. I could even chat for awhile about Nick and felt ok. I felt fine, I thought and was even a little surprised at how easy it was to talk about him a little.

After lunch, I got home and completely lost it. I couldn't stop crying and begging Nick to come back, not to leave me even though I knew what I was saying wouldn't help. All day Saturday at any moment I would burst into tears, doing anything, even just preparing lunch. Sunday wasn't much better.  Got it together this morning, but exhausted and on edge the whole day at work. Guess giving those things of his away bothered me more than I thought, but how do I know when I don't know how I feel?

A friend is annoyed at me because she tried to contact me about meeting up at the weekend, but I couldn't even answer the phone--I don't know what to tell her --she has been there through the last 2 months, but I don't want pity. I'm so tired of crying--it doesn't make me feel better; I feel worse now and still feel like crying. I know it's only been two months, but it feels like this has been going on forever. how long is it going to be like this?

genevieve

[aprilmoonflower]

Just tell your friend you had a bad weekend. it's ok. just be honest ((hugs))

[armaiti]

Genevieve, April is right...just tell your friend the truth about having a hard weekend.   Your friends should understand that no matter how much time goes by, you may need time to be by yourself, to cry, scream, rage, whatever. 

I am just one week away from two year's since Ishaq crossed over.  It has gotten easier in some ways, but there are still tough times.   You find out who your true friends are, and they are the ones who listen, but also know when to give you space to feel what you need to feel.

Blessings,

Anna

[missque]

seems like we've all been having bad weekends....

I went to talk to someone today and i think it helped we booked for the next few weeks... she said its normal what happened- i went from being fine to like a downward sprial as it seems... hopefully it helps in the next few weeks to come

[amberi]

Sorry to hear you all are having a hard week. Hope it gets better.

genevieve  - Im hoping you are getting some comfort by coming here.  your story reminded me of what I did. I had a yard sale I think it was about 9 or 10 months after Alex passed. I wasnt selling anything of his. Just my friends stuff and some of my old clothes. This guy walked into my garage and wanted to buy this container of Red Chalk. Alex used it for work at the construction sites. It probably cost $5.  and I teatered with the thought for a while. told the guy I wasnt sure. Then my brother said just sell it, its only one thing. So I said yes and he left. I was really feeling pretty good like yeah its ok Im not going to use it and Alex would want someone whos going to use it.  About an hour later on was on the garage floor bawling my eyes out. I couldnt believe what I had just done. Everyday when Alex walked thru the front door he had this red chalk all over his clothes. I used to complain about it. And now here I sold it FOR MONEY even. And was never going to see it again. I was crushed. I think it took me a week to get over. It has now been 14 months since he left and I have really good days where Im finding happieness and then I have horrible days where I scream out in the back yard for him to come back to me cuz I cant handle it anymore.

To you all - This is a hard journey no matter how long you were with someone even if it was your first date and sparks flew. It still hurts and no one should tell you how or when tomove on. I am wishing you all the best. Just remember take deep breathes and hold on.

 

I miss this place but then sometimes it hurts to come here. Kind of brings it all back. But then I figure if it still hurts to be here then I must be here for a reason and I need to continue healing.

 

((((((((Hugs)))))))) to you all,

Amber 

[missque]

so something that really struck me from my metting the other day with my grief councellor was that she said a good thing to do is sched. time each day  when ur alone like 1 hr or 30 min or whatever where u do something that reminds you of the peron who died no matter how sad it might be for you... she said her time was when she would drive to and from work and was alone in the car. and that each day that you do something like read a book he liked or just think of him it gets easier to remember the good things and not the bad ones (my fight with jer the day he died is something i need to get past) as well if you have time sched. you can monitor it- so like if one day you forget to do it or something you can view it as moving forward or if you feel like your okay not too...

anywyas just wanted toshare that incase it helped anyone else

[sweetbabegirl]

Hey everyone,

I admire all of you. You have all in some way given me HOPE and STRENGTH! I can't even imagine 14 months ahead. It's been 2 months and just to see 1 day with no tears would be a step forward for me. I do smile alot when I think of him, but right after the smile comes the tears. Today I walked down to feed the fish, sat on his bench and cried like a baby. I felt a swoosh as a cardinal flew over my shoulder and landed on a tree branch near me. It started singing...I was like is that you Ray?? Ummmm, if anyone would have been around, I am sure they would think I was crazy! I asked him to come next to me, but he just kept singing, then flew away. So, now I am crying even harder then before.

I don't think I am at peace with him being gone, and even though I know in my heart he is no longer suffering, I still want him here. He was my rock!

This past weekend I have had a hot water heater go out, a pool leaking, and a washer machine not spinning, I sat in the middle of the bed and cried, yelled, and ask how much more am I suppose to handle?????

I have always been told I am strong, but my shoulders are becoming weak!

I sure hope things can start going uphill soon.

Diana

P.S. I'd do anything to turn back the hands of time!

[armaiti]

Diana, some traditions believe that our beloved's spirits can visit us in the forms of birds...I've had many visits of the flying ones at times when I've been longing for Ishaq or talking to him...Today I was at the river, at a place he and I would often go, and I sat on a rock at the edge and spoke to him...an osprey glided overhead then and paused on the wind current above me and tipped its wing to me, looking down...amazing.   In the water next to me was a large heart shaped rock, that I picked up and brought home...the veil between the worlds can be very thin at times, and if we believe, we can cross over and receive messages from those we love, I think...

Five more days to the two year mark...

Blessings,

Anna

[amberi]

Diana I too have had a bird situation, a hawk sat on the roof of my car and just stared at me I thought the same thing, is that him “why won’t you come closer, talk to me something”. And now as time has slowly ticked bye I do believe that was Alex and the message I got was he is watching over me.

I know right now in two months it is a very hard place. I have not forgotten. I think everything in my house was breaking too in those first months. Part of me felt like it was a test and one day I remember yelling up into the sky that "He" was pushing me over an edge and please give me some relief before I snapped. I got relief it slowly got a little better. But honestly even now when something breaks or the roof leaks or anything like that I get upset with Alex cuz he should be here to help me fix it. These are normal feelings. I promise.

After losing my daughter and then loosing Alex I have learned that each day is a gift and not only can things get better but unfortunately I have taught myself that things can always get worse. I have two more children and I know when things are bad it could be worse, I could lose them. And in a twisted way that makes me see the situation as not so bad. Hope that didn’t come off sounding mean or rude! If so I’m very sorry.

Just try and enjoy what moments you can and cry when you need too. But we are all here for you and send you lots of strength and support.

(((((hugs))))))

Amber

[rodless]

April, have fun on your trip. Who knows? Maybe it will be the start of something wonderful!

Day by day here. Some are good. Some are not so good. And I miss Rod every one of them. But it is really weird how time does make things easier. I would not have believed that 2 years ago. I'm starting to wrap my head around the idea that I have to make a new beginning if I want to make it through the rest of my life. Doesn't mean I'm through grieving, just on to another phase of it I guess.

Anna, I've been thinking about you.

Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

 things are pretty wonderful thus far!

[airymoon]

anna im thinking of you this week. The two year mark for me has past. Lately Kurt has been on my mind a lot and i see him in my dreams even when it isnt a dream about him or when he shouldnt be there at all. Two weeks or so ago a huge hawk perched on the balcony off of my bedroom door for two days in a row. His nickname at work was the night hawk because he worked nights/

Im sure it was him or at the least a sign from him letting me know he is still hee in spirit

becky

[Error username not found]

Hi everyone. last night it hit me that it has almost been 2 WHOLE Y-E-A-R-S since he died. two years!! thats fukin crazy. it really doesnt seem that long and when the reality that actual YEARS have gone by without him it was unreal. i kept saying "NO.. THATS IMPOSSIBLE. THAT CANT BE RIGHT?!?" and mind you i was laying in bed when it hit me and i actually sat up and started talking outloud to myself. LOL. but seriously, i can not believe it. how the HELL did so much time fly past me? i dont know if anyone has seen the movie "Click".. but if you have, i am DEFFINATELY on auto pilot.

btw.. april, did u get my pm?

[airymoon]

baca= when is your two year mark? Mine was in june and even now i have to recaunt because i keep thinking its only been a year.  Still blows my mond that he's gone

becky

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, my thoughts and blessings are with you as you near the second year mark.

Dorothy

[sweetbabegirl]

Hey guys,

Just been reading and I have to say for those that are hitting the 2 year mark...does it really get better? Again I am new..(2 months) into this and to read some of the posts, 2 months, 2 years, we are all still grieving...:-( I know by what ya'll write that it seems to get alittle easier, but not better.

Can someone advise me on how you go through each day? I have had a few signs from my husband, but next week is our 21st annivesary, and I have been asking him to give me a sign that will make me go.....omgawd you are here!!! That would surely make my day special as he always did.

To each of you, I thank you...with each little bit of information that you guys have written ahs helped me keep my feet planted on the ground.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Diana 

[amberi]

Diana - in the beginning I never thought there were signs of him, but as time went on I looked back and saw there were signs I just was not paying attention due to the intense grief. But I also felt he stayed away for awhile so it wouldn’t hurt more. When I did catch a sign or have a dream I would be so happy then the floor would fall out from under me with grief for a few days. So for me it was hard I wanted the moments but it would screw me up for days. I think he backed off so I could handle it. Now I get signs often but not too often. Still have days where I beg him to come then I have days were Im still so mad at him I dont want him to come. I know that sounds mean but if you read back to my story you may understand.  Just keep your eyes open it could be the littlest thing or like a big one for me is he worked for this company that is in a different county and every once in awhile and it always seems to be when I really want to see him one of the company trucks will be next to me on the Hwy in traffic. Now for me that is a sign cuz they are never in our town. Hang in girl. Be strong, you’re doing good.

Anna, Baca (and anyone else) - wow two years, That sounds hard. the whole making it plural. I wish you all the best and hope you get thru it feeling loved and supported. My second wedding anniversary without him is coming up but its only been 14 mo. that he passed.

 

On a good note - I am kind of dating someone. Im not sure I know how to date since I was with  Al for 18yrs. but I met this guy who is so not the norm of what I am attracted too. One day I asked Alex what he thought. If it was the right thing and would he be upset. while I was asking the phone rang and it was this guy. who only calls me once in awhile. Since that day he has called often so I kind of took that as Al saying it was ok. This guy makes me laugh and just this morning I told Al thank you for giving me a little bit of light.  Just wanted to share Im in a good space today never last too long so figure I should share before its gone.

 

Hope you all are doing well, Lots of luv,

Amber

[armaiti]

Does it get easier after two years?  In some ways yes...in some ways, no.   I will never stop missing my beloved Ishaq.   And this week especially the memories are very strong, because of all the trips we took that last week.  Two years ago today I took the last pictures of him, sitting in Rock Creek - one I'm using as my avatar now, the one with him holding his hand up and it seems to be glowing...I knew there was something very special about that picture, and I pointed it out when I showed it to him, after I downloaded it the next day. 

Courtney, what day is your two year mark?  I think we are pretty close in dates.  I love hearing of all the visits of the flying ones.   I mean it makes sense to me, if you were no longer bound to a body, wouldn't you want to soar on the wind? 

This is one of the pictures I took that day...(he's wearing underwear, just so no one is offended! We were right by the highway and couldn't skinny dip there!)  I remember just how happy he was in the water...I used to think he was part otter sometimes! 

I know a lot of us wish we could change the fact that our beloveds left us...for me, I've come to a sense of peace because of how Ishaq left, laughing in the river, so fast, and being so happy.  By now, he would most likely have been in a hospital constantly or frequently, on a kidney machine.  Or he would have passed from kidney failure.   My heart goes out to those of you whose partners passed from long illness.  As much as I miss Ishaq, I wouldn't take his "good death" away from him, not even if I had the chance.  I knew on some level I would outlive him...people who've had diabetes since they are children don't tend to live long lives.  But every minute was worth it, and I am so grateful for Ishaq being in my life, and for continuing to be in my life and teach me and visit me.

Thank you all for being here for me these past two years, for being accepting and encouraging of my rather unique spiritual path.  I can't imagine having gotten this far without you all!

Love and Blessings,

Anna

[qubert]

Ann,

What a wonderful picture! I can see how much he loved the water. Something about water always makes me feel better. Hug and Blessing with you this weekend

Susan

[missque]

anna thinking of u with ur 2 year mark

[mishknit]

what a great picture anna!

and as for hanging in with your "unique" spiritual journey....thank you for it, and i'm sure others feel the same. i've learned from you, and that's been great,

of course, we are all on our own paths, but we do have the grief journey in common, and the bonds of that are amazing.

holding you and baca close as your 2 years approaches. i'm at 2 1/2...and it still stopdss me in my tracks sometimes, just not as often and not as hard. life does move ahead, with or without us, and i guess i've signed up for the ride!

peace,

michele

[missque]

I found this on line when i was looking for a specific one that my greif councellor told me about... i wanted to post it because i know we can all relate to the spinning emotions that comes with grief- sorry for it being a bit long

I Can

I can generate your loneliness

On a long and fearful night.

I can teach you to pretend

As if everything's all right.

I can erase your happiness

As you cling to memories.

I can suppress your laughter

And replace it with misery.

I can bring you to your knees

As you pray for what can't be.

I can fill your eyes with tears

Blinding what you want to see.

I can produce pain in your heart

When physically you're okay.

I can compel you to curl up

And cry all through the day.

I can conjure up your anger

And consume you as you scream.

I can tear away your world

And destroy all of your dreams.

I can convince your friends to run

As they hide from what you feel.

I can create confusion

As you wonder what is real.

I can deliver torture

Or make you go insane.

I can demand you cry out loud

As you call out their name.

I can force you to feel guilty

For things you can't control.

I can encourage thoughts of death

And reap fear of growing old.

I can devise your anguish

And keep you from your sleep.

I can unravel all your faith

And require what you can't keep.

I can deprive you of your hope.

Some say that I'm a thief.

I can make you hate me.....

Because my name is grief.

[Error username not found]

daym miss..that poem is good.. and it actually is a little bit like reverse psycology to me..because its almost as if grief is laughing in our faces.. so im like " oh yeah? u feel like that? f*** you grief, i wont!" LOL.

and sorry to everyone for making you think my 2 years is this month. its in september.. but the months are flying by for me and i cant believe how quick its coming. Anna, i hope you have a good 2 year "anniversary" so to speak. i know it isnt good, but i mean i hope you have a calming day and feel as if he's there with you.

and as far as it getting easier, i agree with anna.  i think it does get easier to think about them without constantly going through the entire thing in your head a million times, and that pressure in your chest lessens a bit, but i still feel it there. i still want him back, but i think that having to go through this for  this long, i guess my hope of him actually coming back has gone away. so instead of always wanting that, i think i learned to accept him as a spirit always around, even though everything i do is bittersweet because i wish he was physically here with me to experience all the little things.

on a lighter note.. my birthday is coming up next month.. and i will be 21. so if that vegas trip is happening, at least wait til then LOL. goodnight everyone.

 

                                                      p.s.  

 did i mention i got my new tattoos?? i might have, but im not sure.

[justkaren2]

Anna:

I simply love that pic of Ishaq!  So glad you clarified that he is wearing undies...cuz I thought that shadow was something else...lol.

I know your two year mark is coming up soon.  Wishing you peace on that day.  I think the anticipatory grief can be worse than the actual day...at least, that has been the case for me.

The joy in Ishaq's face as he is looking at you while you are taking that pic ...  well, it tells it all.  He loved you as much, if not more (is that possible?) than you loved him.  It shows.

I feel the same about my Richard.  The man was not perfect...but he loved me.  There is no doubt in my mind.  And that knowledge brings me to my knees. 

Does anyone else find that, you think you are okay...then you type certain words, which make you remember certain moments and the emotions flood?  Well, this is one of those moments for me.

My life is good.  I have known great love.  I should be grateful, but right now, in this moment, I simply yearn.

I know you all understand and that helps more than you could know.

Karen

[missque]

baca- for some reason i thought we were the same age but i guess not... i hope ur birthday goes well next month.. when i turned 22 last year (2 months after jeremy died) i went and got my 3rd tattoo- it was for him and my dad

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- Ishaq looks so happy in those pics. (((hugs)))

Baca- that's right, f*ck it!!!

I am so sick of the grief thing. How does one ever get out from under it though? if ever? I can go weeks feeling good then  something like this morning happens- I am packing for our trip and took out a a backpack, well it had stuff in it from the last trip D and I took. I feel so stupid that baby wipes and a bib, diapers, etc can set me off. I just  know those were things he touched and it kills me. then I get so pissed off too.  I shouldn't be raising our KIDS alone! wtf!?!?! he obviously could have cared less though! I still have lots of anger surrounding all of that which totally sucks. I just didn't think someone who was my HUSBAND could hurt me like that and continue hurting me. I think he got out of this life soooo easily and happily all the while being as selfish as could be. asshole!!! I am so mad at myself really, another marriage, another BIG mistake!! when will I ever learn? I mean how in the hell did I pick someone so damn selfish to marry? why did we even have kids? so I can raise them alone and be miserable? nice.  my kids deserve to have a father who freaking cares and is present! and a mom who isn't a damn mess over insignifigant things like baby wipes! wtf!?!? It's so unfair! the word survivor never meant anything to me until now.

I am at the point that it would be easier just to forget. if there was a pill for that I'd take it in a heartbeat.

[missque]

i swear its one bad thing after another--- i just lost my apt for this coming school year... a friend of mine - her parents were going to buy a house for all of us to live in long story short the condo board doesnt want it rented out-- but apparently the layers said it would be okay since their daugher was living there (we were told we'd get the final say in July 5) well apparently they just got a letter saying that the convo bored will take them to court and kick us out and all this stuff so we lost our house and they spent TONS of money in layers fees and we have no where to live please just add the stress on like how much can one personal seriously take i start school in almost a month and none of us have a place to live... i dont know how much more **** i can take in my life i know it doesnt seem like something to compare to jeremys death but like it seems like im always getting the **** end of the stick! i just dont know how much crap i can take big or small... thye are still trying to find a place and they keep driving up there to see them (4 hrs each way!) i just cant deal with it all...like seriously- i just won a 1500 dollar scholarship award for my volunteering in the school and community yet now i might not even be at school cuz i have no where to live.. i feel like nothing is ever good because theres always something bad that happens right after... im just so sick of this crap i dot know what to do

[sweetbabegirl]

I see by the last few posts that I'm not the only one feeling shitty. I'm not the only one that seems to be having everything go wrong all at once. Makes me feel like I am being tested. I took the grand kids to bible school, and while I was there I talked to my preacher, I asked him why couldn't some of this stuff wait till I am not grieving so much over the loss of my husband. He stated God only gives us as much as we can handle...hmmmmmm. Well I may be strong, but my shoulders are growing tired and weak.

Is there a rainbow at the end of this dark cloud that is hanging over me??

I don't believe in drugs, nor do I drink. I have always been one to figure out a way to handle situations as they arise, But my emotions have taken over and my brain is so cloudy. I have begone mediatating thinking it would help. I can admit the first couple nights seemed alittle more restful, then boom.....here I am wide awake and full of sadness, anger, hatred, and whatever other emotion decides to show its ugly self.

I wish this train would let me off at the next freakin stop.

Hope ya'll don't mind me venting, I really needed to or I was gonna start throwing plates or something.

Diana

[superwife]

I know how you feel. About a week before my husband died  we started having plumbing problems, had to have the spetic tank pumbed the day he died ( had about 20 people here for a week so it couldnt be put off)> Snice then it has been one thing after another, the worst being a tree falling on my car and sons truck and wiping out both of them. My car only had 4 more payments and looked like new. When the tree fell it pulled the main power line out of roof and almost caused a fire in the house, Had to replace refg, microwave and 2 tvs. It has been 8 months and seems like yesterday. we always made all these big desions together. He was handy around the house and could have fixed most of these things. thank god I have great neightbors who help all they can, but I hate having to bother them all the time. I just dont know where my life goes from here, because this was not suppose to be like this, It was suppose to be me and him , not just me. Our 36th annivasary is 9-1 and I dont know what i will do. thanks for reading my rambling.

[lindat]

Hi ladies,  I finished radiation on Friday and am ready to move forward, yippeeee!  

I remember so well those first months after Terry died.  Next month will be the 3 year anniversary of Katrina and I remember day by day what we lived through until he died 4 months later.  I thought Katrina was as bad as it could get, until Jan. 17th, 2006 when my soulmate and best friend left me suddenly without warning after 21 years of being together 24/7.   We worked together, played together, did everything together....  Within 2 weeks of his death, I had to pack all of our stuff in the car once again and move on.  The night before he died, I reminded him that we had to leave soon (the beach house in FL that had been loaned to us since Katrina, was rented for the month of February) he told me he wasn't leaving.  The next day he left for good, but never did have to pack his stuff - something that I am glad for now, it would have been really hard for him.  We had been so happy there in so many weird ways, and so miserable at the same time.   Since leaving FL, I have lived in MS, LA, TX, CA and MI.  I am very blessed to have wonderful family and friends that share their homes and lives with me.  I work for a company that is nationwide and lets me work wherever I am living.  I know for a fact that you can drive across the country, crying all the way and survive.   I arrived in MI last August to spend some time with my sister, and was diagnosed with breast cancer the day before Thanksgiving.  In January, I had surgery and started chemo.  In June, I started radiation and just finished that on Friday.  To the new folks here - YOU can survive anything!!!  You are amazingly strong and you are tougher than you ever thought you could be.   Every situation is different, but with the support that you have here and in your lives, you too will make it through.  I don't know when it starts getting easier, for me it was sometime after the first year, but one day you will wake up and realize that he wasn't your first thought and that will make you sad because it puts one more thing between you.  At some point you will hear yourself laugh for the first time and you will realize that another milestone has passed and that will make you sad as well.  As we get better, there is more space between us and our loved one, so it is a mixed blessing.   I wouldn't go back to those early days for anything, but I felt him so close then and I miss that now.  

After Katrina, I remember asking him what would happen to us when we had to leave FL.  He said that we would be together and so everything would be fine.  I remember asking how can we just leave here not knowing where we will go or what we would do.  He looked at me and said nobody knows where they will go or what they will do - they just think they do... nobody knows what the future is, they just think they do.   Then he was gone and the future that I thought I could count on was once again changed.  Needless to say, I don't plan more than a few weeks ahead anymore    I still miss him every day, but I can remember without the crushing pain.   He would be so proud of how strong that I have become through the last few years, and he would want me to be happy - I am going to give it my best shot.  

This place is filled with brave and wonderful people that knew my pain, and kept me going so many times when I thought I could not go on one more day, one more mile, one more minute.  Peace to you all, come back often, we'll get through it together.   Linda

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, you are such a strong and wonderful person.  Strength is the answer to all of our problems.  If you lived near me I truly would take you out for a great dinner and drinks.  You have spent your time in your own war and came out a hero.

Stay strong and well.

Blessings and Prayers,

Dorothy

[lindat]

My dearest Dorothy, We are all strong and we are all mush.  Luckily we haven't all been mush at the same time and there was always someone here to lend a hand up   YOU constantly amaze me with your strength and wonderful outlook on life!  You have many times given me what I needed to make it through and see the hope on the other side.  We are normal people going through normal things, and with the support of our friends here, it is easier to do just knowing we are not alone.  Some day we will have that drink and dinner!!!  On Tuesday, after my IV drug, I am driving down to FL and then home to MS and then back to MI for the high school reunion that I have been planning.  Lots to look forward to   Linda

[armaiti]

Linda, congratulations!!!!  You did it!!!

Well, I finally got to meet my granddaughter!  Ishaq's son and daughter-in-law came by and spent the night and I got to have some quality time with Tealia.  It was good to have them here, with tomorrow being the 2 year mark.

Here's a picture they took of us this morning.  My house altar, with Ishaq's picture and our Sufi teachers, is in the background, and you can see how my cat Akbar is being studiously casual around the fact that I am holding someone other than him!

Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

Beautiful Anna, just beautiful!!!  You will be in my thoughts tomorrow, peace.....

xoxox

[mishknit]

congatulations linda!

finally....and now to concentrate on the healing!

anna....

that baby is beautiful, and how lovely they are there with you for your 2 year mark.

hoping for peace for you tomorrow.

peqce,'michele

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- that is the sweetest picture! I love how Ishaq's altar is in the background!

Linda- awesome to hear you are done with the radiation!! I guess we are both going to be "on the road" this week. have a good trip!

I'm feeling alot better today about things.

[missque]

congrats linda

[bsnurse76]

Hi everyone.  It has been awhile since I have posted but this week I lost my grandmother unexpectedly.  This is the first death of someone close to me since Darren passed a year and half ago.  It has brought back a lot of memories and feelings.  I am very sad.  It just really sucks when u have a plan for your life, and it doesn't turn out that way.  I think about if Darren was still alive, we would probably be married with a child on the way.  I was certain my grandmother would be around to have great grandchildren.  I miss them both very much.  Thanks for listening. 

[lindat]

Thanks Missy, I hope you are doing a little better. 

April, have a safe trip and lots of fun.

Michele, the healing has already begun.  I can wear a bra again, even if it is still a little uncomfortable.  Life is good

[missque]

trying to do better but i dont think i am... i have an apt with my grief councellor again tomorrow so hopefully that goes well shes really nice and i think its helping... i was seeing someone last year- around this time actually but i stopped but i guess i just needed more time to cope myself

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, my thoughts, prayers and blessings are with you today.

Life is not measured by years

but by anniversaries of the heart

Hugs,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Anna, I love the picture. The joy on his face was probably mirrored in yours! I am such a creek person and envy you having such a beautiful one. That's the first thing I head for in the Black Hills or Wisconsin. (All of the ones around here have mud bottoms and are full of awful farm chemicals & cow stuff.) I hope your day is going good and you can make it a celebration of his life and what he meant to yours. Bless you! As far as your unique path...I have found it very interesting and enlightening.

April, funny how the stupid little stuff can trigger off so much emotion. Try to get through it and look ahead to your trip. It will be good for you to have a change of scenery. I felt much like you do after my divorce....why get married, have kids and then have to raise them alone. All I can say is a strong single parent is much better than two disfunctional ones so you'll make it!!

Summer...heat and humidity...ugh. Almost as bad as ice and cold. I wish it could be the first two weeks of October all year long. Of course, I wish for a lot of impossible things. Next up, one of my last 50ish birthdays. Can't believe I'm this old!

Mary Jo

[rodless]

Linda, I am so glad you are done! I have worried about the burns. Your attitude is marvelous and now you can go on to the next thing, hopefully something wonderful. You deserve it! Have a great time on your trip. MJ

[mishknit]

when's your bday mary j?

mine is august 9

not looking forward to it.

always puts me in the mind frame that i keep getting older and he stays the same...just depressing.

i'll be in big bear, nearby mountains, tho....should be nice.

thinking of you anna....

peace, michele

[lindat]

Thanks MJ,  I am really looking forward to leaving tomorrow.   I am totally ready for a change of pace and scenery.   The burns are even better today and I am all packed!!

[lindat]

Michele,  My sister had a restaurant in Running Springs a few years ago and my nephew still lives there - his house didn't burn up last year....  I love it up there.  Hope you guys have a great birthday!!!

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, your not old.....................my next birthday I will be 62..........just a number.  Next year I plan on finding a nude beach to go to.  As long as I continue with my weight loss.  This girl is going to tone her body and strip down.  Why not?  Its not like I am jumping in bed with anyone.  We always joked about going to a nude beach.  John is not here but I am sooooooooooooooo I must carry out on what we planned on doing.  I am sure he is up in heaven laughing at me.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Blessings,

Dorothy