I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

I'm good...just chugging along. Lots to do at work. Getting tired of gloomy humid days and thunderstorms. Seems like I'm mowing every other day. Let's see...when was the last time I didn't complain about the weather??? lol Coming up on the 2 yr. mark and dreading it and anticipating it at the same time. Surely I've learned something about coping and healing in the past 23 months. Someone told me the second year was better, someone else told me it was worse. I think it was just different. Not so many heartwrenching hurt in the gut days but more of the regrets, should of kind of thing. And I miss him always, every single day. Don't think that will ever change.

[lindat]

Well here goes, as if there wasn't already enough stress, they want me to do a stress test with echo cardiogram today at 4PM.  The oncologist sent me to a cardiologist last Friday and she has a littany of tests on the horizon for me before my next Herceptin in 2 weeks.  I will be wearing a monitor also.  Since I can no longer make it up a flight of stairs without gasping for air, and since my ankles and legs are now swollen every day, it is not something I have a choice about - of course I am getting used to that anyway.   The worse part of all this is that I am still more freaked out about Jim leaving than I am about any of this - I am really screwed up.  I still think I need a lobotomy....  

I wasn't allowed to have my decaf this morning because of the test, so I think I will be better when I can - it is the little things in life that can help sometimes... along with talking to all of you.

[pamhadfred]

Hello everyone,   I'm sorry I haven't been around for awhile but I've been busy working and crying.  On the 13th it will be 10 mos.  and I'm pretty much the same  as I was since I visited last,  except that I lost my dog, Roxie on the 19th of April.  She started going downhill right after Jim died.  I know she was so broken like myself after losing Jim and there was nothing I could do about it.  Her ashes are now sitting on top of Jim's, and I'm all alone in the house.  I still live on auto pilot and guess I always will.  Friends tell me I should get another dog but I need to mourn her for at least a year, also I'm at work all day and it wouldn't be fair to the new dog.  Thanks for listening and I hope everyone is doing alright.  Pam

[carlawarla]

Every day that passes by I miss him more and more. June 7th it will be two months. Sometimes I become frantic because he seems to be slipping away I can't even see his face any more I can see it in my mind but I can't really recall his actual face. What am I going to do with my life? How can I go on?  I read all your posts everyday and I feel the sorrow you all feel, the loss, the lack of direction. I realize that as big as my pain is it is repeated in all of you. I realize that I am not alone but I also realize that they are not coming back. The day my baby closed his eyes, the moment he stopped breathing that is the moment he ceased to exist. He is alive in my he4art and in my kids hearts, he lives in my memories, he lives in our house and in allthe things he did around here.  When my father died I tried to believe and couldn't, when my mother died I tried again and couldn't. Now that my reason for living is gone, now that my lifelong companion is gone I try harder and harder to belive but somehow I fail again. I thank you all for sharing your feelings you have helped me to realize that we are not as unique as we think we are b ut we are a little part of a big, enormous whole. I miss him so much, every night I go to bed and cry myself to sleep and I know ( just as you all know) that if they could come back to confort us , if they could come back to hold us one more time they would. I know that my life is useless without him. He was no saint, he had his faults ( just like I have mine) but  as he once said we were united by a four letter word "love". I believe that you find your soulmate only once in your lifetime and after that is life still worth living? I sometimes think it is so unfair. All my life I tried to be a good person, I tried to respect people, I tried not to argue with anyone, I tried to be honest and I taught the same to my kids. In all my  life I tried to respect evryone even when I was not respected, I tried never to answer back. I always thought that my God was my conscience.  Then why was my life taken away from me?  Maybe it is better to bad you seem to get a better deal Carla

[aprilmoonflower]

I'm still here. Just plodding along..

I do have news though! I think I'm going to sell my house! (not right away, but in a year or so). Need to figure out where to go from here..

lol Baca, apparently fuking doesn't count. how lame though! I hate being censored!

[airymoon]

carlawarla- I went through those thoughts your having for a long time. The  Why me and My kids. I tried to be a good person too and always put others before me so why did God  do this to us. Then one thought popped into my head it was "Why not me who else would i put this on" and i realized this didnt happen to just us survivors it happened to our loved ones and we are the casualties.  I try to tell my self that in some ways i am lucky because as bad as it hurts to not have Kurt I WILL get to see my kids grow up. I got to se my son graduate from high school I will get to see them get married and i get to be with them everyday. That is something that Kurt will not have. I know there are no promises but those thoughts are what keeps me plodding on. If im very lucky than between now and when my kids are settled into their own life I will find a reason to keep going after they are on their own

[Error username not found]

lol april.

oh and eventuaLLY.. sorry. i havent gotten around to writing back to anyone...  i know.. maybe its just how everyone feels at some points u know?

[aprilmoonflower]

Hello, where is everyone hiding?

btw, Becky that is a really good way to look at things,

[armaiti]

With the weather still cold and rainy here (geez, it's JUNE!!! What's going on?) I feel like I should be hibernating...

I actually got a response on Plentyoffish from a guy who was recently widowed, and we've been talking online.   He's of the same mind as me - still in a committed relationship with his wife, but wants to make friends with some other people.  Turns out we have a lot in common, so this is working out pretty well...I'm pretty comfortable with the online thing, though we may meet face to face at some point. 

Other than that, my energy has been pretty low, I think from the weather and/or allergies... Even though I'm not feeling overwhelmingly depressed I find it hard to get much done around the house or yard...or exercise...or eat right...it sure is easier to do all this stuff when the sun is shining! Maybe I need to get a light machine...(see Mary Jo, you aren't the only one complaining about the weather!)

Linda, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make you well so you don't have to go through all this.  Or that I lived closer and could come make you soup (since you probably can't have a martini right now).

And Carla...it is sooo early for you still.   We all know that feeling of not knowing how we can possibly go on, that our lives have no purpose without our beloveds...it's hard to imagine now, but you will find a reason to live eventually. All you can do now is allow yourself to feel what you need to feel, and just take one baby step at a time to get through each day. 

Courtney, wow, I had no idea this site censors our cuss words!  That really f**** s****a huge *****!  (Ok, I did that, not the site)  And I'm sorry you had to deal with that person - wouldn't really call them a friend.

Becky, you have a good way of looking at things...

April, wow, selling the house, that's a big thing! 

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- that's cool on the man friend. I just met another man (online) this week too. He is totally my "type"  too (complete hippie and into FARMING,chickens,etc!!!!) so I am very intrigued and excited to get to know him. (We met from that green singles site btw, so go figure)  We have chatted on the phone twice thus far. He is in MA though so kinda far way from me! (but 5 hours from my folks back east) ok, I guess I should save this for the dating thread..though it's not exactly dating either (yet!) but I am hopeful.

[carlawarla]

Anna, i thank you for your reply. Tonight I just wish I could die right now. Never to feel his arms around me again how can I live? I sometimes wish I was alone and I had no commitments so that I could  do what I really wish to do. But my children are here and I owe them . I thank you all and I feel for you all but there is no purpose for me I did what I had to do do, my baby is gone and I am dead inside C arla

[aprilmoonflower]

Carla- we all know exactly how you feel. be gentle with yourself. (((hugs)))

 and I know exactly what you mean about the children, though they can be extremely healing too I have found. Things are going to get better for you but they won't ever be the same again. The fact is  part of us has literlly died. It's just difficult to be the "survivor".. no one understands it and the emptyness  until they have been there  themselves, though unfortuntely we  do all understand here, no matter where on our path to healing we may be.

[missingcurtis]

Hi, I haven't posted on here for awhile.  Sometimes I start to and then it sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and delete it.

I lost my husband, Curtis, 2 1/2 years ago this month.  I guess I have been through a lot of the same feelings as everyone and maybe some different ones too.

We were married for 36 years just a few weeks before he died.  We always thought we would be married forever.   I have a hard time when I think of growing old alone.  We didn't have any children. 

I probably did all the list of "no-no's" after he died.  I sold our house and moved back to my old home town because I THOUGHT I needed to move closer to my family.  But they don't really have time for me.  I have 5 sisters and they are all married and don't understand how I feel.

I sometimes think about moving back to where we lived but I know life would not be the same.  For one thing I know I could not afford a house like we had and I am not working right now.  I am sure I would have to go to work if I moved.  I sold our house for enough to buy a smaller house in a small town and put some money in the bank.  I was working part-time but am not working right now.  I do volunteer at the library except during the summer.

I have dated a couple of times but after being married for so long I don't really know how to be around men.  I know that sounds dumb but Curtis and I knew each other so well.  We could finish each other's sentences and knew each others wants and needs.  Two of the guys I went out with let me know right off they don't have any money.  Duh................ Like I guess they either thought I wanted money from them or they wanted money from me?

My biggest regret about moving is probably that I knew more single people where we used to live and there were more places to meet singles.  I have looked around on the interent but I am scared that people are not who they say they are.  I guess I feel like I need to meet somone through someone else.   Not sure.

Well, I guess that is about enough about me.  I just wanted to tell the newer girls/ladies that it does get easier.   It takes a long time to get better.  I used to cry anytime I talked about Curtis and now I can talk about him. 

Debbie.....................Missing Curtis

[eventually]

Why is it when you are sick you want the one person you can't have? And it hurts to cry cause I have a sore throat and no voice. Also, Why is it when you lose someone you realize how much they meant to you and how much you love them, even more then you ever thought was possible? He was my soulmate. And why do I feel bad that I didn't get to know him so much better, and there were so many things that we never got to do, say, see? And why do I feel so alone when I have all my family and friends around me. They all are so wonderful and supportive, but really haven't a clue what kind of hell I'm in. All I want to do is never wake up or go dig a 6 foot hole and crawl in next to Brendan?  And why do I get the impression that people think I should be much better than I am since it's been 10 months and 2 days.  They don't say it, but maybe I'm paranoid or going crazy? I just .............You don't have to respond your just my venting board. I know you all have you own issues and I'm so sorry. I just needed to get it out. I want to scream and yell and destroy the house, but really I can't. Having no voice doesn't give it much justice, plus it hurt. Thanks for letting me vent. Again I so sorry for dumping my problems and feeling on you.

~Mishi

[armaiti]

Mishi, you don't have to apologize to us!  Vent all you want to here, and save your throat!  We all surely understand where you are at, because we have all been there.

[Error username not found]

[airymoon]

mishi  dump away girl we all have here that is what this is for. One of the hardest things for me on this path is that i didnt realize how much i had and how special our relationship was until it was gone. but im lucky because i dont have a lot of regrets from our relationship. Im sorry your sick. Its really hard to be sick and just want your loved one back and no matter who els is there its not the same. Take your time to heal and feel better

becky

[carlawarla]

April, nothing will ever be the same again how true!!!! You take each other for granted, he'll always be there to take care of you, you make plans. We hd planned a big vaction on our 35th anniversary he told me I owe you you have been a great mother and wife and you deserve the best.  Stupid plans, always thinking that you'll be there  1 2 3 4 or whatever years from now and then POUFFF  one goes leaving as you said the survivor. but does one really want to survive? When you have lived all your life in symbiosisd with someone what do you do after????  He was my first and he will be my last. Can't imagine someone else. I, like evryone else, need affection, nmeed to be touched and cuddled so what' if he is not here I might as well go join him in nothingness  at last peace will be found. Carla

[alwaysalone]

Carla,

I know how you feel about the touch and cuddle thing, what I wouldn't give to feel him wrapped around me at night. I think about what Doug would say when I got depressed or overwhelmed when he was here, and realize how pissed he'd be if I gave up now, 'just because he was gone'. I can hear him chiding me for throwing away everything we'd accomplished together or giving up on whatever lies ahead for me. I'm not saying I like it, but I guess I would want even less for him to be disappointed in me.  Consider this a virtual hug - I know it doesn't come close, but we know how empty it can get out here at times. We need to stick together then.

Kate

[Error username not found]

carla.. i know what you mean about the first and last thing.

[rodless]

Mishi....venting here is good 'cause we've all walked the same path and understand where you're coming from. Not much I can say to help, just that I know how it feels.

 

[armaiti]

Hi everyone...the sun is finally out here...funny, because I've been working out an art piece called "Bring Back the Sun!"...and yesterday when I went to get the yellow and orange paints for the background the sun finally came out and it's been out ever since!

I also went and got a new TV today since mine is almost dead...glad I have a Target credit card...I got one I can hook up to my computer and use as a monitor or to display videos.  I was always the computer geek in the house, so I was able to get it all hooked up and working pretty quickly.  Ishaq was not so into the techy stuff, he was happy to let me do it.

I went to a blessing ceremony for friends of ours who are having a baby in about a month.  It's amazing...there seem to be so many coming in as others are leaving the planet, but I guess that's just life.

I've been enjoying talking to my new friend online.  Feels pretty safe...he talks about his wife who died and I talk about Ishaq - all of us have a lot in common, and in some respects his wife and Ishaq sound really similar in likes and dislikes!  I haven't met him yet in person, in fact, he doesn't have a picture up on his plentyoffish profile, so I don't even know what he looks like, but since I only want friends it doesn't really matter to me.  Though it is nice to have a face to go with the words...I'm glad most of us posted pictures here so when I'm reading your words I can picture who's talking.

April - I picked a ton of snow peas today - my first real "harvest" from the garden.  I may finally go buy my squash and tomato starts tomorrow, if summer is finally coming to Oregon.  With all the rain and cold we've had, I was afraid they'd rot!

Take care everyone,

Blessings,

Anna

[Error username not found]

thats good anna.

anyway im just in a bad mood. tty all later..bye.

[genevieve]

Hi, this is my first post. I don't know what to do. I lost my partner almost a month ago --14 May, and things are overwhelming. I'm ok at work--can switch off there and surrounded by great people--but when I'm alone, can't stop thinking--and crying--and...well, you know. I've always been pretty independent and assured, and it's frightening to feel this way.

We were together 9 years--he was my my best friend, my soulmate--everything--his absence is everything. We had recently relocated to Seattle, and due to a lengthy  visa process with a fiance visa (he's Irish), fighting Homeland Security, had decided to go back to Europe to try from there. I was going to meet  him in Europe later this summer. He was in Lisbon when he died--I was here--and the authorities still won't tell his family or me what happened--they will issue a report in 3 months or more.

We talked on the phone the day before, and everything seemed fine.

I hate not knowing, but I wonder why it matters so much, when the idea of him being gone is already too much to take in -- I know it happened, but it still seems unreal--and too real at the same time. My chest hurts all the time--I thought the whole idea of heart break was metaphorical...

[eventually]

Genevieve-I am so sorry that you are here.  I wish that none of us have to be here, but everyone on this site is so helpful.  We will be here to listen to you vent, yell whatever you have to do.  It does help and I know how you feel. People don't understand what we are going through until it happens to them.  They mean well, but....  This is all new to you, but it will get better eventually. I lost my soulmate 10 monthes ago, so I haven't been on this journey very long.  I know I'm still in a fog. And it still feels at time that I'm in a bad, bad dream. But you are a strong person and will be able to get through this. You will have good and bad days. It  feel's  like a rollercoaster that you want to get off but can't.   Someone on here told me to take minute by minute, or second by second.  Just breath and be gentle with yourself.  This first year will be SO hard.  Please come here and talk to us!

I can't believe the authorities won't tell you what happened. I know how that feels.When my fiancee passed away it took almost 4 months to get the autopsy report.  My chest also hurt all the time at first too, but in time it will fade.  You will find your feet again. I found writing in a journal helped alot too...I know I am rambling and I'm sorry.  If you ever want to talk, feel free my email is mishirae13@hotmail.com.

~Mishi

   

[airymoon]

this is a sucky day! I found a letter my daughter wrote to her dad in april telling him how much she missed him and that all she wanted and needed is him back with us please. It broke my heart then today my basement flooded again and although i know why it is flooding i have no idea how to fix it. I finally got my lawn mowed it was taller than the riding mower but today i needed to mow again and the mower broke AGAIN i dont have the money to fix it i dont know how to do it myself so im fucked im trying to clean the house agian but its useless because the kids will just trash it and i cant keep up. Im ready to just give up. I dont have kurt here to help and when i ask any ofmy friends they always have something else to do or cant do it then.

even if i sold my house i wouldnt get what i owe on it so im trapped. Im sorry for all the negativity but today is just too overwhelming

Becky

[mishknit]

genevieve....

i used to think heartbreak was a metaphor too...we've learned differently.

the heart is a very resilient muscle too, tho, and, in time, it gets better.

i'm so sorry for your loss, but glad you found this bb....vent, talk, whatever. we listen.

becky..i'm sorry for your day too...god, i know the feeling of ot beig able to do things that i should be able to do, the frustrqwtion of spending money, the huge frustration of the house that is NEVER clean all at the same time, because it's a 2 person job and my 15 year old can't help enough.

sometime you gotta scream...you know you can here.

i haven't been on for a little while....going thru a weird time myself, and then end of school year stuff. but i read and i listen and i think of you all all the time.

linda....any news on your tests? i keep looking for an update, please keep us posted, you know we all care.

everyone else...hugs, big ones.

peace,

michele

[laquinn]

Becky I know how you are feeling. I went to the store Sunday night put stuff in the smaller freezer. Yesterday afternoon I kept smelling something thinking I put something in the trash I took it out, that wasn't it my freezer quit and everything in it was completley thawed. And so there goes groceries for the month because I have payed all the bills with the pension check and then food with my check. I really miss him so much  Also Sunday night I called the landlord and he had the repair man come out for the central air it was so hot in here I live in a double wide. So that got fixed. I just wish I knew how to do things for myself. It will be 8 months the 12th and sometimes it feels like yesterday. I have been making so many stupid decisions lately. It's like I just don't care anymore what happens to me. I am trying so hard to make it but I am not sure anymore.

Friends don't come by or call anymore not sure why. I just wish there was someone to talk to or go out to eat with. All I do anymore is work just so I don't have to be here by myself and I know that is not good for me either. I found out the other day that my old landlord's girlfriend sold the place we used to live at and she still will not give me back our deposit, not sure what to do now.

I hope everyone else is doing ok.

Lela 

[alwaysalone]

2 months yesterday - I watched "The Jazz Singer" with Neil Diamond on cable and lost it when he  sang "Hello Again" That was our life we'd have dinner together and I'd have to be home to take the kids to school in the morning so I'd leave his house and he'd want me to call when I was home safe. We would have just been together for hours and we would still have things to talk about on the phone. I miss those phone calls - if we weren't together, we'd talk by phone every morning and every night. There's no one to talk to anymore. All my kids are home and I listen to them talking to each other all night and I feel so alone. They all think I'm doing okay while I sit here and cry myself to sleep because I know I will never feel that love from his arms wrapped around me when we slept. How long can you live with a broken heart?

Kate

[lindat]

Hi Michele, 

Tests came back better than expected, so they will continue the drug and watch me very closely.  I still don't feel okay with it, but will give it a little more time.  It seems that my hemoglobin count is low now, so more tests to find out why.  I started radiation on Monday and since it is every day I think have become conditioned to it faster, or just numb sooner.  Hopefully I won't have any of the negative effects that I saw in the video last week....   Jim leaves a week from Monday - can you live with a broken heart???  Yup, been there done that, but it really sucks. 

Sorry for all the new ladies that are here,  take one day at a time, it will get easier in time in some ways.  

Linda

[sweetbabegirl]

:(Today marks (1 month) that my husband paseed, and it feels like yesterday. I cry more now then I did the week after he passed. The nights drive me insane. I already sleep with his picture laying on his pillow, I already sleep with a pair of his jammie pants wrapped around his pillow. I look and wait for a sign from him and I get nothing. I am losing grip!

My kids are all starting to worry, they think I will go and do something foolish, but I am not even thinking that. I try to explain to them that when he died, a BIG part of me died and it is going to take time to recover. In all honesty, Things will never ever be the same.

Please God, grant me the strength to breath the air he breaths!

Sorry for all this sadness, but this seems to be the place to just let go in hopes to feel just alittle better.

Hugs to you all

Diana

[susanbruce]

Diana, your journey is just getting started.

Somehow try to reassure your kids that you aren't going to do anything stupid. Our daugher (24 when her Dad died) cried in the shower and asked him to do something to make Mom happy again. About 2 weeks later, she finds out she's pregnant with our 1st grandchild. Her Dad definately listened to her.

I would suggest that you find a group grief therapy meeting. It helped me tremendously just to be with people who knew exactly how I felt and what I was going thru.

Read some of the books that are out there on grief. I bought several. The one that seemed to really reach me was What to Do when someone you love Dies.  

Friends and family that mean well will try to push you to get out and start to live again.  Do what you want, not what everyone else thinks you should do.

I can just say this - there is no wrong way to grieve. Everyone is different. Coming back to this site and reading all the other posts helps alot. At least you'll realize that you aren't the only one in this horrible situation.

I tried to do what I thought or knew my husband would want me to do. For me it almost an obsession. I wanted him to be proud of me. 

You are not alone.

Susan

 

[airymoon]

diana-- one month is so very early in this journey and at the same time it is a life time. In time it gets easier to handle but it does take time. No matter how much you try to explain it to your kids they wont get it right now. Even though they lost someone when your husband died it is a different aspect of their lives just as great but different.

Thank you to all  who responded to my post. It was great getting the support. I recieved an email from someone who read my post and responded to my personal email. I contacted them and asked for their "board" name and he? said he wasnt on the board he was reading about his godmothers obituary and saw my post and felt compelled to answer. I dont know whether to be touched or freaked. kinda feels like an invasion and slightly like a pick up because he? sincerely hopes to hear from me again. Just very weird!!Any thoughts on this ladies?

Linda good news on the tests take what ever little encouragement you can. My friend who was in stage 4 lung cancer has gotten good news the tumor is now dead tissue that is being absorbed back into her body. she has 2 more rounds of chemo and if it stays that way she will be in remission. There is hope.  I know it is going to be hard for you when Jim leaves and you've said before he has issues, but maybe his leaving will make him realize some of those issues and he will be a better person for you afterwards.

[Error username not found]

airymoon.. YES!! i havent been reading lately.. but i read just now.. and omg do i ever know what u mean! one time this women PMed me telling me how she reads our posts and its great to see us supporting eachother..but then informed me how she isnt even a widow..and shes married.. but her husband "might as well be dead" because they dont talk..???????  i was like.. wow..wut the fukk??

i actually told her that i felt like she was intruding on our personal conversations.

..then she told me this is the internet, and if something has www. in front of it , that we should all know its public and everyone has a right to read it.. and i have the right not to like it .. but shes gonna do what she wants..?????? CRAZY BITCH.

[armaiti]

Courtney, I remember when that happened to you!  Some people are so clueless...I hope you are having some better days, too.

Becky, I'm sorry you had so much trouble, glad you found support here...sorry I haven't written back sooner...just been a little overwhelmed here with allergies, overgrown gardens and creating more art...I'm glad to hear the good news about your friend too!  About the guy...go with your gut feelings...if it feels wierd, it probably is....but if it feels ok to communicate, then go for it!

Linda,  I'm glad the tests came back with positive outlooks!  And I'm so sorry we aren't all closer to keep you company when Jim leaves...

Diana, you are very early on this road, and it is so hard...this is a long road, and there are a lot of "sneaker waves" of grief along the way.  Just take one baby step at a time, and know your beloved is with you, just a breath away.

We'll all see our beloveds some day; now we have to try to walk our path here with them in their physical form, which is sooo very hard to do.  I found that when times were worst, if I could get out and walk in nature it really helped.  Ishaq and I walked a lot in the woods and by the rivers and creeks here in Oregon...it helps me feel closer to him.

Lela, I'm sorry your friends aren't being more supportive!  It's hard to sit around alone, I'm sure.  We all care though, even if we aren't right there with you.  Whenever you feel alone, remember that we are sending you hugs and love.

Michele, I hope the "wierd" times have gotten better for you.  I read a little bit on the dating thread and I'm sorry that it's getting hard with your son.  But you get to have a life too girl!  He's just going to have to understand that.

Mary Jo. how are you doing? 

I'm sorry to see all the new names here...so much sadness in this world it seems.  I guess it's just the cycle of life, but somehow it just doesn't seem fair that there is so much pain and suffering happening to so many good people.

Ok, I think I caught up with everyone!  I'm going out to the country today to visit a couple of friends.  One is dating a guy who is an insulin dependent diabetic like Ishaq, and he's also the same age as Ishaq was when he died.  She says he doesn't take good care of his blood sugar and he's had some crashes when she's there...I worry that she will have to go through the pain of losing someone too, since if doesn't take care of himself better, his life will not be that long.  Ishaq was her friend and her spiritual teacher, so I think she knows what she is getting into, but I still hate to think of her going through this....

Got to run, take care, everyone.  If I missed responding to someone's post, I'm sorry, I read them all, and think of you all and keep you in my prayers and heart.

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

The truth is when we post here it does go out on the net for everyone to see. Just try googling your sign in name...it pops right up. Certain combinations of words used in posts will also google into this site.

I'm ok. Just putting one foot in front of the other heading to 2 yr. mark on 7/7. The tornado that hit the scout camp was less than 100 miles from here. I spent part of that evening in my basement...8 adults and 3 dogs as neighbors don't have a lower level. And so much flooding around the state although I'm dry. Unbelievable weather patterns.

Glad you're hanging in there, Linda. I think about you a lot.

Mary Jo

[aprilmoonflower]

yup and don't forget family members/friends/people you actully know IRL might seek you out here too!

Linda- I'll be thinking of you and sending peaceful healing vibes during this transition. ((love & light))

[lindat]

Thank you all so much for the wishes and vibes!   I am trying to stay in the moment and enjoy every minute without fear or sadness, most of the time I have been successful.   We went to the Art Institute today and then to Greektown in Detroit for dinner, what a wonderful day!!!  Somehow, we have been able to avoid any major conflicts now that the moving day is imminent.   There is no way to tell you what your support means for me - I think you know.  xoxox

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- enjoy your time together, though I know it must be bittersweet..is he leaving this week? ((hugs))

[lindat]

Thank you April,  he's leaving a week from tomorrow.   Very mixed emotions, few of them happy except that he will be in a better place there and it won't be as easy for him to cut himself off from everyone - he will be living with his mom who is recovering from a stroke.   In this place, he doesn't see people for weeks or months and just stays in his apt.  I think that half the reason we don't get along is that he creates  tension so that he can be alone for awhile when contact becomes more than he can handle.   Right now he needs my help for the move so he is trying very hard to get along, it is very bittersweet.    My friends and family all hope that I will move on and find someone that is better for me when he is gone, so I keep my feelings to myself so I don't have to listen to comments like I am sure this is for the best, etc.   I know that they care and love me, and while I understand how they feel, it doesn't help. 

I know that I will make it thru this, I have made it thru worse, but I am so tired of having to take **** and suck it up.  Sometimes I wonder if it will ever get better or what the hell can happen next.   I wish I could go back to this day 3 years ago and relive it.  I just want to have a day without Katrina and with Terry and take a deep breath and realize just how great life is on that day.... I guess without the knowledge of what is to come, it was just another boring day - right now I would so love just another boring day.  No Katrina, No Terry dying, No cancer, I didn't know how blessed I was, I guess we never do. 

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.  I think Terry is in heaven showing Tim around - he was such a huge fan. 

[missingcurtis]

Well, I don't post too often.  Not sure if anyone even remembers me.  But today is 2 1/2 years since Curtis passed away.

I thought I would be dreading this day but some milestones are easier than others.  I used to count the weeks and months.  Then the years and now I try to just have good memories of certain days.

He was a Vietnam Veteran and always flew the flag on Flag Day.  I have a flag pole but no one will put it up for me.  I cried and cried about it and have asked 2 or 3 different people to help me but no one will.

So I just go on, day by day.  Maybe one day the pole will be up.  Some of his friends bought it for me and had it shipped here.  But no one will come put it up.

Well that is enough about it I guess.  Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Debbie...................Missing Curtis

[armaiti]

Debbie, are there any Veteren's groups in your city?  I bet if you called and told them your situation, they could find someone to help you put up the flagpole. 

Linda, I'm glad you are getting to have some peaceful times with Jim before he goes.  I know what you mean about going back in time...

I'm doing a lot of art these days, I started using paints and doing multi-media collages with my own digital images and digital photography...it's really helping me feel, well, alive again...creating does that for me...I created a piece like this a few months after Ishaq died, but it's a personal kind of piece, and these are pieces that are for the public...the first one is called "Bring Back the Sun" and it feels to me like it's helped me bring back the sun into my life in some ways...here's a picture of it...though it looses a lot in translation to a photo as it is very 3-dimensional with texture...I'm planning on entering it in the Mayor's Art Show here in the fall:

I'm finding a lot of my "mind time" is taken up with planning out new art pieces, rather than taking up time being depressed about being alone without Ishaq, so that's  a good thing.  He was always really supportive of my artwork, so I know he's watching me and sending me love and support.

Hope everyone has a peaceful weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Debbie, I called my neighbor and he put my flag up for me.  He is a good guy. All I have to do is ask him and he comes over and helps with whatever I need done.  I gave him my extra key for the shed so he can get the tractor out without the need of me being home so he can mow the grass whenever he wants to.

I am car hunting...................I refuse to put any more money in my cougar........I use to love that car now I truly hate it.  Everytime I turn around I find myself putting more into it.  So far while car hunting I have been hit on by two sales reps.........men are goofy no matter what age.  They are so needy..................I can't deal with needy anymore. One actually wanted me to meet him at a bar/restaurant tonight.  That is not going to happen. 

I can't wait until 7/3 that is when I go on the New England/Canada Cruise with my sisters (and their husbands).......I am looking forward to this vacation with my sisters. 

Nothing else new with me ......... still doing my Zumba and I am still eating Jenny Craig food.  I am very thankful that I am healthy. 

My son is on a business trip in Canada and will not return until late tomorrow night.  So we have no questions on should we do something for "Fathers Day"..... I went to Mass at 4PM so tomorrow early I'll go and see John and release my balloons since I did not do it on 6/11.........22 months....

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

ewww on the car salesman Dorothy. but lol at the same time..

Anna- I absolutely love your sun painting! and so fitting for solstice! awesome!

will you put the design in your cafe press shop? I definitely want a journal!

[missque]

So I kinda disapread for a bit but i have retuned. im finding 'gatherings' to be very hard like when i have to go somewhere that i know jeremy would be. i went to a wedding shower this weekend for my friends- Jeremy was supposed to be the best man at this wedding. It was a really hard weekend all i could think about at this shower is "jeremy should be here" "he should be giving me hugs and stuff" it was just a really hard weekend. i was sorta feeling ike things were getting alright- not better but alright... like i wasnt crying as much as i did and i had more days where i felt okay. ever since i got home this weekend i've just been so emotional- i dont know how ill even make it thouh the wedding or her sons baptisim which will be happening 2 days after the wedding (again another place ghat Jeremy should have been since he was the god father). just seems like every where i go i keep thinking "he should be here' i know that people will say well hes with you in spirit but really it doesnt matter because hes not here the way he should be

[sweetbabegirl]

Ohhh how I know the feeling. Even though it hasn't been long (May12,2008), I keep thinking I'll go home from work and he'll be there. My days are getting harder, they are filled more with thoughts of him. Yesterday was just terrible.

One thing that has made me smile is that his voice is still on my answering machine, so while I'm at work I call home....just to hear his voice that I am missing so badly.

Will it ever get better??  I want my normal life back. :-(

[alwaysalone]

Normal? Probably not a good thing to hope for...okay will happen, in microns.  Some days a little better, the next day worse again. Eventually, the worse happens less often and for shorter periods. Focus on good memories. Being able to smile to yourself when you think of him doing or saying something is the best medicine-it makes the sad less powerful. Treat yourself to something you know would make him happy you did, that helps a lot as well. He will always be with you, the trick is to make the lack of his physical presence something tolerable.

Kate

[armaiti]

I agree - I don't think I'll ever feel "normal" again (though I'm not sure I was ever really normal lol!) Things do get easier, but it is slow, and there are times that just sneak up and bite you in the ass, for sure.

I tried sleeping in the other bedroom last night.  It was the room Ishaq first lived in when he moved in here (he was my roommate before he was my partner - for about a month, then we fell in love and that was that).  I've been thinking of switching my bedroom to the smaller room so that I could use the larger room as a guest room/art studio.  Plus, I've always hated that the water heater is in that closet...so I tried sleeping in the other room, and it felt ok.  It did confuse the cats, but they'll get over it. 

Sun is out now...I'm feeling a bit better...been up and down a lot.  Ishaq's two year anniversary is July 28th.  I know there are several of us on this board about to hit our two year anniversaries.  It feels so wierd...it doesn't seem possible that two years has passed.  

Hope everyone is having a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[airymoon]

It will be kurt's/our two years tomorrow. wow already 2 years and at the same time...wow  only two years? It feels like thousands of years since i talked to him or felt his arms and i miss him and i mis his laugh and his smile when i did something that was absolutely ridiculous but he thought it was amusing or he would say cute and i hated that but i would give anything to hear it again

 

[superwife]

This is my first post. I lost my hudband of 35 years on 11/20/07. I told him I would be ok but I am not.Somedays I am lucky if I get dressed. i have had to make some really big  discissons on my own. Starting with the DNR order, funeral plans ( thank god for 3 great kids to help with that),  a tree falling on my almost paid for car and my sons truck totaling both, and list goes on and on. i dont know what we would have done without family and freinds. And some friends are still here for me , but some  think I should be over IT. If you have never read the poem It, you can google it and then you can tell people what IT is . I have thought about making copies of it so I can give to those people who think I should be over IT. We will set his headstone tomorrow. I still dont how I feel about that, but it had to be done someday. It just makes it seem so much more real. I have gone on too much am sure but it feels good to have some way to talk to others. Thank you