I Miss Him So...

[maamgrey]

Thank you Cheryl.  This is what keeps me going.  I'd never make it otherwise.

Sue

[armaiti]

Aurora, that may be true, but I think most of us who have lost a partner feel at times that it is unfair that our love was cut short by their passing.  I try to live as you say, to pick up the pieces, to go on.  I look for the blessings - that Ishaq passed happy and instantly, while playing and laughing in a river that he loved.  That he didn't suffer a lingering descent from the kidney failure that was almost a sure thing to happen to him from his diabetes.  That I met him and we had ten and half wonderful years together; that he still comes to me in dreams and out in nature.  Still, there are times when I think of someone in this world doing bad things to other people, or doing harm to the earth, and they are old and have their partners and it comes into my mind that it is unfair that someone like Ishaq, who was so good and taught and helped so many, both in his spiritual teachings and in his daily job with the Red Cross, should be taken from this world when there was still so much he could have given and taught.

We each need to grieve in our own way.  Some never can find peace; some can.  Some can pick up the pieces sooner than others.  You sound like you have found strength and balance, and that is a good thing.  We all come here at different levels of grieving; I don't think there's any right or wrong way to do it, just our own individual way.   And I think it's good to be gentle with each other here; we can draw strength from each other's experiences and grow in our own journey on this earth.

Blessings,

Anna

[qubert]

Anna, I agree we all have to work at this new life god has given us at our own pace. It is like the good the bad and the just so so. My son said to me the other day that my life is now 1/2 of the whole that I had, now I need to learn how to live as 1/2.  I came back home and spent the rest of the day tring to figure out what he was trying to say. I think at 18 he sometime has the inside track on life. He has a girl friend now and is so in love. I think he was saying that his dad and I loved so long and we became each other. You know that feeling. Now I am lost and tring to go through each day as 1/2 of the person that I was before Bruce left this world....

[qubert]

Aurora,

I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through. Know one knows what you are feeling that is a lot to go through.

[aurora]

Thank you qubert!

[armaiti]

Aurora, I too am sorry for all the pain you have gone through.  You have definately risen above the pain and unfairness to find strength.    I wasn't meaning to be critical of you - I just feel it's ok to write whatever we feel we need to here, and  some folks need to vent about unfairness and  be bitter sometimes too. 

Qubert, some of my Native friends call their partners their half-sides.  So that the two of you are part of one whole, and when one passes, then you are left - a half side alone to walk this earth.  Your son does seem quite wise!

Blessings,

Anna

[qubert]

Anna,

I know this seems wierd but in some way I think I was lead to talk with you. Your spirt has lead me to some kind of piece inside. Gillian and I have now spoken 2 times she is wonderful and makes me feel better. I love to read your post and working with the earth is something I now plan on doing more this spring and summer. She has also told me that my younger son has an older soul 

[grannyc]

(site)

I surely didn't mean to hurt or upset anyone.  I most of the time thank God for my Tiim:and I would not change the 37+ years I had for anything, I would not have escaped this pain.  Becuz the time with him was the best of the best.     We all have different circumstances and levels of problems we have to deal or grief through, and we all have our own timing:myMother use to always say "the only fair their is in life is in St Paul(our State Fair)   So, I GET the not wallowing in selfpity/unfairness etc. but I also think we are only human dealing with a situation none of us knew howto the day before we were thrown into it.  I'm sorry but some of the grief bursts or whatever you want to call them have been out of my control.  I find many blessings in my life today 20 months after Tim's death, BUT, they do not hold a candle to the life I had WITH Tim.  In the years we were together, we grew to be one.  We could finish each others sentences, we knew how each other was feeling by just a glance at each others eyes. etc. So, I am living only 1/2 here becuz together Tim and I made a whole.

Aurora, I cannot imagine what you have dealt with.  Years ago I was in a situation where someone attempted suicide, I don't know how I'd have dealt with that aftermath had it been successful.  But, do remember, I think at the time they do it they are not thinking sanely, his illness, his pain, maybe even so you wouldn't have to go through the worse with him-will you ever know for sure?  Don't take it as your failing HE did it!  I am sure it must be terrible trying to find closure.  The best to you and your days ahead!

Maamgrey,  This site is to state what you feel and not worry about others.  We are here for each other, you keep coming back and dumping whatever is your pain.  It will help release it.   Also, check some of the other threads at this site, I have found more insight and comaradery at other threads also. . . .  Just remember what you feel is valid for you and alot of us have been there also.......

Sincerely, Cheryl  :?

[armaiti]

Well, here I am, back at home.  I lasted at the women's retreat for most of the morning, and then I had to leave.  It's a lovely group of women, but most of them have partners - LIVING partners - and their experiences and mine are so different that it felt like I was a visitor from another country.  No one in that circle has lost someone like we have.  So when they are processing about living joyfully, I have to honestly say I haven't felt joy in over nineteen months.  I've felt peace, and even some happiness, mainly after Ishaq has visited me in dreams or through signs, but not the overwhelming joy I remember of being with him, of waking up next to him and realizing I was blessed with another wonderful day with this wonderful man.  I realized that even though I was there among friends, I felt more isolated than when I'm alone at home.  So I told a little white lie, which wasn't completely untrue, that I wasn't feeling well and left. My stomach certainly was feeling all tied up in knots.   One woman who is a really close friend walked me out and I told her what was going  on.  She said that it was understandable and that I should just take care of myself.  So here I am, home again.  Not sure what I'll do with the rest of the weekend or the day...I also didn't sleep much last night, and I probably was anticipated how today would go and ended up only sleeping a couple of hours and getting up at 5:15 am. 

Blessings,

Anna

[aurora]

I was referring to society in general no one specific at BI. Please don't take it personally.

[maamgrey]

I'm glad you said that Aurora.  I've been through a lot too before my 3 years with my fiance and he went through hell.  I had such a severe thyroid problem that I ended up hospitalized.  I had gall bladder surgery.  I had a stroke at age 45 and miraculously survived.  Four years later I went into a diabetic coma (didn't know I was diabetic) for 7 days.  Lucky to come out of that one too.  Two months later I had a seizure that was from scar tissue from the stroke and they dislocated my shoulder.  Since then I've had a very difficult time trying to control my diabetes.

Mike was separated from his wife and living in the basement of his house, staying until the kids were out of the house.  He also had diabetes as well as high cholesterol and high blood pressure and he'd had diabetes for many years before he was diagnosed so he suffered severe complications.  After his first surgery and rehab stay, he had nowhere to go so he came hom to live with me.  He was in and out of the hospital and had 3 complicated and painful surgeries that prevented him from walking.

We were getting married this May.  We found love for the first time in each of our lives.  And then he died suddenly from something that had nothing to do with any of his problems. 

It ISN'T fair!  And no "life isn't fair."  But that doesn't mean I can't rant and rave about my loss.  We both had tough times all our lives and we finally found happiness and then he DIED!  We were planning a life together and we were robbed of it. 

This is not directed at you Aurora or anyone else.  I guess I just needed to vent.  I am doing my best to pick up the pieces but it's too soon (6 weeks today) and I'm too sad to do much except get through the day.

Sue

[lindat]

Sue, You are so right, it IS too soon and you are going to have to take one day at a time for awhile and take care of yourself.  Each of us has been where you are and each of us felt the same in some ways and perhaps differently in others.   Somehow it has now been almost 26 months for me and I still miss him every day.  At this point however, I can choose to some extent how I go forward and I have chosen to be as positive as possible.  Most days I am able to pull it off quite well.  Four months before Terry died, we lost everything in Katrina - we were still evacuated when he was suddenly gone.  He was my soulmate, my best friend and my everything for 21 years.

We never married, but had begun talking about it and probably would have been married by now had he lived.  I have spent 2 years going from place to place, staying with relatives and am now in the process of chemo and radiation for breast cancer  and living with my sister.   It is my belief that life is as fair as my perspective can make it, I can look all around me and see others with so many more challenges than I have.   I do sometimes have joy in my life again and it is so much more special when compared with the pain that I felt at only 6 weeks.   Hang in there, it will somehow get easier with time, but ranting and raving help a great deal in the beginning and we are for you....

April, that sucks.

Anna, hope you find peace this weekend.

Baca, have you ever been a waitress?   It is great money and the hours aren't too bad either, depending on where you work.  

MJ, you have been in my thoughts - my sister still counts even though she is happily remarried and it has been 10 years.  I don't think we ever stop counting and I think that is okay too. 

Take care,  Linda

[eventually]

Thanks everyone for making me feel welcome.  I am dreading March 11th it would have been B's 30th birthday.  I can't believe he is no longer in my life. How am I going to live without him. I don't know how I've lasted this long. God will probably keep me on the earth 30+ more years without my soulmate.  I feel so robbed, alone, and PISSED.  I want to get a tattoo with his initals on his birthday, but he always hated tattoo's and never wanted me to get one.  So I keep going back and forth.  I think I'm going to buy roses for his mom on his birthday.  I hope everyone is doing as good as can in this situation.  I don't know what I would do without this site.  People say it will get better as time goes by.  I sure hope your right cause I don't know how much more of this I can take.  Thanks for listening to me ramble.  Blessings to all.

~M

[lindat]

At 7 months I was driving across the country crying and screaming at the top of my lungs.  The first sign that things were better was when I could remember Terry and not sob uncontrollably.  I was lucky because shortly after the first anniversary, an old boyfriend started emailing me and he lived a long way away so I was able to accept his emails.  Within a couple of weeks, I realized that I could finally smile again at the memories.   While I don't recommend having a relationship to relieve grief, it certainly worked for me in some ways.  Last summer I came to MI to help him move to CA and he landed up having prostate cancer and then surgery and asked me to stay until he was ready to move.  I was able to stay with my sister so I agreed.  3 days before his surgery, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery in Jan.  He is staying until I am through with chemo and radiation and then he is going to complete his move to CA.  Unfortunately, though we don't get along very well, I have fallen in love with him and I know how hard it will be when he leaves.  I try to remember to enjoy EVERY day, we have no promises of more to come anyway.   I plan to start dating right away after he leaves and keep myself busy.   I know this wouldn't work for everyone, but I know that it worked for me at a time when I wanted to die.   I remember the first morning that I woke up without sobbing immediately at the realization that Terry was no longer here - what a huge relief it was to finally look forward to a new day again.   The grief never leaves, it just gets more manageable.  

[maamgrey]

Well, I didn't cry yesterday, and not yet today.  I  think I'm back in the numb stage.  The taking one day, hour, minute is really helpful but it still evokes thoughts and memories that are painful.  I went out today and once again I came home to an enpty house - again.  I'm getting used to it, but I still miss it and him.

Sue

[grannyc]

Maam,

And, will miss him for a very long time.

Cheryl

[Error username not found]

hi everyone. i feel like ****. i dont know. my brother and his friend came over and his friend was playing with my son..even though i was holding him. it made me feel weird..but i mean it was nice that he was playing with him.. but its annoying that his father cant. im actually really bothered. my brother brought it up today and was like "that was 2 years ago..right?" and i was like..................."noooo......it hasnt even been a year and a half!!" fukin asshole. and he was like "really?!?.. it was 2005 right??" and i was like..."NOOOO....2006!!!!..MY SON WAS BORN IN 2005!!" and he was like.."oh...yeahh..maybe your right?" and i was like.... "MAYBE?". i just got sooo annoyed with him and then he poured himself two HUGE glasses of the babys applejuice..and i was like...wtf? therez a thousand other things to drink. i dont know. im just really annoyed and more depressed because i really just want him back. i have that permanent feeling of heavyness in my chest and i cant stand it.

..and honestly.. all this talk about picking up peices and MOVING ON.. is actually annoying to me. feelings are feelings and its bitchy and rude to imply that ppl waist their time feeling sorry for themselves when they should just pick up and go.. like "ahh oh well..**** it..im moving on" .. i dont think anyone in this situation should be able to do that.. and i understand picking up peices and EVENTUALLY moving on.. but fuucckk that.. people can and will feel sorry for themselves for as L-O-N-G as they feel like it.  not directed toward anyone..just my opinion.. 

[mishknit]

courtney...

you are exactly right.

what works for some doesn't for others, and what works sometimes doesn't all the time, and some things never work and....

whatever.

it's a hard road we're on, and we gain and lose all the time....but we do seem to move ahead, at least in increments, little by little....and that's a good thing. and, this is a safe place to say anything....but you know that baca.

linda....well, you feel the vibes..they are there. you are incredibly positive and i'm sure that will help so much in this journey for you. imagine..'as soon as jim lives i'm going to find another boyfriend" lol!!!! you go girlfriend. i wish i could find even 1..lol!!

and to all the new people.....hang in, you've found a safe place.

anna.....sometimes those .little white lies are good....we can't always be where we want to be, because sometimes it's too hard. but you went, and stayed for a while and that's good.

april...single dad guy... any news??

arrghh..

i'm too old for this format, i need to be able to read the notes as i write!!

oh, mary jo.....20 months, and counting.

i have to tell you, and this will sound weird....but i somehow felt i'd stop counting months at 2 years. it reminded me of my son...it was months until he turned 2, and then it was occasionally 2 1/2, 6 1/2..but mostly just the year amount. and i haven't thought of it since january 21. so it's 25 1/2 months...lol...2 years is good enough (bad enough) for me.

i wish you all peace,

michele

[lindat]

Michele,  I am usually the eternal optimist when left to my own devices...   At 61, life is short, cancer or no - I want to share and enjoy whatever I time I have left.  Whenever Jim and I argue, I fall back into grief for Terry, so I am sure that there has been some transference of some sort - and it is the pits, so eHarmony.com here I come:)

Vibes make the world go round, thank you so much!!!

After my treatment today, I am half way through the chemo - yea!   My sister is here with me, giving me support, I am very blessed!

Hope everyone has a peaceful day....

Linda

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]Linda, I agree with you.  I believe at age 61 we tend to see things differently.  Life is very short and the remaining 30+ years of my life I plan on being happy and enjoying this life that was given to me.  I have no idea what path I will take but in my heart I am sure that path already has a map that was laid out for me.  Let me know how e-Harmony works for you.  You are one brave girl.....................God Bless You....

Tomorrow is 19 months for John's death.  Including his time in the hospital he has not been in our home for two years.  He went in the hospital on 3/24/06.........I still keep the conversation going every day with him.  I am totally sane.........you can't stop talking to a person that you have been around for 35 years........at least I can't..

Give thanks for life"s challenges....Every sadness touches us to know true happiness...

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[/align]

[lindat]

Dorothy,  I am more aware of the brave part when the weak part of me comes along, then I realize I do have it and brave is better   61 gives us a vantage point that we have never had before, with views that we can appreciate more now.  30+ years would be great, I am setting a new goal....  maybe we could do a cruise together some day - that would be fun.   I will really be glad when I have my energy and freedom back, but until then I am living vicariously thru you - so you go girl and have a great time!!! 

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, peace.

Linda

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, a cruise sounds wonderful.  Once you are feeling strong again we WILL make plans.  I am looking forward to the cruise I am taking with my sisters on July 3rd. The only bad thing about it they charge for two people even tho I will be alone. (except for my blow up doll) lol........I know this will be the chance of a lifetime to be on vacation with my sisters (first one we actually are taken together) so if I must pay the 200% I will. Maybe when I am in Vegas I'll make up for it.

I am going to take the van for inspection and pick up the cougar (had a dead battery)  I had it towed last week................bought that damn battery from Sears in November and it was bad..............another trip returning the battery to Sears........they will give me my money back. If they know whats good for them.

I love Zumba.  I actually set my alarm to go to the early class.  I truly enjoy it and it is working.

Blessings to all,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I am thinking of you today on your 19 month anniversary.  I think you are right about the age thing - I'm 52, and though I was never married I did have two long term relationships before Ishaq, and lots of "flings" before that (back in the heydey of no AIDS), so I feel pretty complete having found such true love with Ishaq.  I didn't meet him till I was 40, he was 45, and we had ten and half wonderful years.  Now it's "my" time.  I'm not interested in anyone new, and it's the first time in my adult life that I haven't been wanting to find/get in/get out of a relationship.  It took me a while to figure out I could even eat when I wanted to, as with Ishaq we had to have a pretty set schedule or his blood sugar would go haywire. 

Linda, congratulations on your half way mark!  You go girl!

Courtney, I really feel for you and the younger members of this board.  I don't think I would feel the way I do if I was younger, if my partner had passed when he was young too.  Even though Ishaq was only 55, that's old for a type 1 diabetic.  Many don't make it past 40 or 45 or younger.  And I'm sorry your friends/family are so clueless about just how important the actual dates are to you - to all of us.

Michele, the thing about the "little white lie" turned out not to be so much of one - I really was sick!  I've been running in and out of the bathroom for two days with some sort of intestinal bug.  Yuck.  Feeling a bit better today, though still a little like someone kicked me in the stomach.  Though the emotional stuff was real, for sure.  I managed to get out to the library on my scooter yesterday, it was warm enough to scoot without a jacket and in my little sandals (and yes, I will get a picture of me in  a pair of my Manolos one of these days!)

Hope everyone has a peaceful day,

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, you really made me laugh.  I had a flash back of the late 60's  and the early 70's.  We probably did have a lot more fun.............or should I say we could be loose. I felt sorry once the early 80's  hit for so many of the people that became infected with the virus.  At least I know I have many memories.  Of course they are screened out from my normal conversations with people.  Sometimes I make myself blush thinking what I did.  Maybe it was just a dream HA HA............

I dropped of the Cougar and picked up the Van.  I am now running to ZUMBA.........

Blessings,

Dorothy

[maamgrey]

Dorothy and Anna,

I'm 53 and when I turned 50 I found it very freeing.  My motto became **** it, I'm 50 so I can do whatever I want.  I don't need anyone else's approval or permission.  From then on I've done what I've wanted to do.  Mike felt that way too.

Mike and I are (were) both diabetics.  I'm type 1 and he was type 2.  I've only had it for 5 years.  Mike was diagnosed in 2004, but he'd had it for years before that and so he already had lots of complications.  The irony is that his heart was the one good thing, and yet, he died of cardiac arrest.

I used to say to him, "well being diabetic, we probably won't live that long but at least we'll be together. HA!  At least I feel that I won't live that long and miss him so much and then we'll be reunited.  I bought adjoining gravesites for us and there's some part of me that can't wait to lie next to him there, even if it's only symbolically.

I even miss him understanding my blood sugar readings and us being conerned about each other.  Mine went up to 457 today!  That's only the 3rd time in 5 years that I've been that high.  I felt so sick I had to cancel my afternoon appointments.  I have no idea what caused it but I'm down to 162 now and going back to normal soon, I hope.  No one understands the relentlessness of this disease unless they have it or have lived with someone who's diabetic.

It's great that you can find some good and some freedom in being alone now.

Sue

Sue

 

[armaiti]

Sue, Ishaq was diagnosed when he was nine years old; I may be misunderstanding the type 1 and 2 thing, I though Type I was only childhood onset diabetes.  Anyway, his organs were so drained from the disease that is why he died at 55; my friend who is an ER nurse said his organs could be compared to someone in their 70s or 80s  I think people who contract diabetes later in life tend to live longer than those who get it as children.

Dorothy, it was certainly a wild time back then...sometimes I feel like I've been so many different people in my 52 years!

The rain is falling softly outside, and I've got a pomegranate martini I'm sipping, and shopping online for fun purses and shoes to add to my collection...I'm doing ok today, and I count each day that I'm doing ok as a blessing.  Ishaq is always here...last night I was talking to him as I was going to sleep, and I felt something like a breeze brush against my hair; no window was open.  It's like that when I feel him near me, sometimes...

Blessings,

Anna

[maamgrey]

Yeah, they used to call it juvenile diabetes but since more and more adults have been diagnosed, they changed it to Type 1.  You're right, the longer you have it, the more of a toll it takes on your body.  Right now, I wish it would take me too so I could be with Mike.

Sue

[missyouhoney811]

Sue, I remember feeling the same as you do now.  I guess it was not in the plan for us to go with our beloved.  Our life on earth is far from being finished.  Each passing day you will find a purpose for going on.  I will never forget my husband.  He was the most wonderful happening in my life.  I was blessed knowing him as long as I did.  If it was up to me he would have been here longer but it was not up to me.  I finally realized that we can't control everything in our life no matter how hard we try.

Anna, I also feel that I have been many people at various times.  I think thats good. Like I said before...................we have many different types of memories.  It tells the story of our life.  Enjoy your shopping and drink.

I did Hip Hop Zumba today.....WOW

Blessings,

Dorothy

[maamgrey]

Sorry to sound stupid, but what is Zumba?

Sue

[missyouhoney811]

Sue, Zumba is Latin dancing put to exercising.  They say one hour of Zumba burns 800 calories.  You move everything from head to toe.  I enjoy it plus the fact I can see it working on my body already.  I actually move things that I thought were no longer moveable.................

Blessings,

Dorothy

[maamgrey]

Thanks for the info.  I guess places offer classes?  I just don't have time for classes but I do have an exercise bike I've started using.  Although it's hard to do anything once I come home - my energy is so depleted.

Sue

[lindat]

Dorothy, I have been checking out Zumba classes in my area so that I can get busy after treatment - they aren't too expensive so hopefully I can do it.   I am hoping to do the 3day walk for Breast Cancer in Sept.  It is 20 miles a day for 3 days, so I will definitely need some help getting ready - it will be fun staying in tents though, if I remember girl scouts right

Sue,   Dorothy got me curious too so I put Zumba in a search engine and found zumba.com and zumbafitness.com websites. 

This was on one of them:

Zumba Fitness was created in the mid-90’s by Colombian native Alberto “Beto” Perez, a celebrity fitness trainer and choreographer for International pop superstars. Inspired by the traditional cumbia, salsa, samba and merengue music he grew up with, Beto paired his favorite pulsating Latin rhythms with the red-hot international dance steps his clients loved and Zumba Fitness (Spanish slang for “to move fast and have fun”) was born! [align=justify]

Since Beto brought Zumba Fitness to the US in 1999, it has become one of the fastest-growing, dance-based fitness crazes in the country, with people of all ages falling in love with its infectious music, easy-to-follow dance moves, and body-beautifying benefits.

I started walking 5 miles a day a year ago when I was living in CA, but now that I am staying in MI, I am always looking for something to do inside that is fun.  I can't do it now because the Drs. won't let me because of germs, but I should be able to as soon as I finish chemo and radiation.  Sounds like a lot of fun and great exercise.   [/align]

[missyouhoney811]

Linda, I was paying $7.00 for every class as a walk-in.  Last week I signed up for the month which is $55.00 and I can go as often as I want.  Get healthy before you do anything.  My prayers are always with you.

Anna, I to have been shopping tonight.  I went into victoriasecret.com and purchased items that I could have lived without.  It was fun.

Dorothy

[eventually]

hello I hope everyone one is as well a can be expected.  Today was a good day for me for til noon hit.  I got cast in show and went to call B and it hit me he wasn't here and he'll never talk to me again.  Tomorrow is his 30th birthday. It's really hard to believe he won't be here to celebrate.  He was too young to be taken from me.   Please, please send prayers!!!  Tomorrow will be so bittersweet.  Goodnite everyone.

~M

[myvinnie]

Hello-Im still fairly new to this website. I have mostly written on "Bum" and "The still of the night". Tonight I was reading this area and something in your post made me reply, and deal with the feelings. I felt such sorrow.

First, let me express that I am so sorry for your loss. The date of your husband's passing was so close to my Vinnie. He passed on 2-26-06. We just passed 2 years. I think when you wrote that it had been 2 years since your husband had been in your home, that thought made me so sad. I felt it. I thought: My Vinnie hasn't been in our home for 2 years too and the tears are falling. Our home together and he's not here. It's a terrible sad loss that we all share here. 

I know this is a process, but there doesn't seem to be a day where something, somewhere doesn't get me in the heart and gut. I am so sad.

Missing my Vinnie, again, and again, and again. 

Dawna    

[missque]

so i quit my job - no more dealing with an ass of a boss... now i dont know if hes recieved my letter saying see ya but i did it regardless....

been feeling really sad and down lately not to mention i have feelings for jeremys best friend. we hang out like every day and chat i guess it was only time before i realized this- just sucks. makes me feel horrible but theres noting i can do until i wait for it to pass

still missing jer like crazy more so lately with his fundraser going on

[grannyc]

Missque,

Good for you, been following your posts as far as your boss goes, glad you quit!  You deserve much better.

As far as Jer's best friend, take that, too, just one day at a time!  It will take care of itself!   Do something for yourself today!

Sincerely, GrannyCheryl 

[missyouhoney811]

Dawna, I hope today is going better for you.  As hard as it is at times we MUST keep our spirits high.  Today, is 19 months for my John.  I try to go every month to our plot and release 3 balloons and I talk to him.  To think that when he went in the hospital in March of 2006 for an infection in his foot he would never come back home.  I just thought it was another of the many trips to the hospital that he had to take.  We always joked on how many lives he had.  So many close calls.  I actually beieved he would be here forever even tho he was so sick for many years.  It never held him back we went somewhere every day.  He was my hero and a very strong trooper.  I will miss and love  him forever.  I am not looking for a replacement for John because I know it can't be found.  I am going to continue my life and find happiness in whatever I can.  At present I am enjoying traveling whenever I can.  Going places alone no longer bothers me.  If I want conversation it is always  out there somewhere.   Sorry I got so carried away........

I am having a lazy morning............I must get dressed and get weighed in at Jenny Craig.  My project  for me is to become a thin, healthy  toned machine.  Working at it trying my best.

I hope everyone has a good day.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I had no idea he was in for a foot infection...that's what Ishaq was in for fhe year before he and I got together...he almost died, and they wanted to cut his foot off, but didn't - thanks to friends and family intervening and him using lots of alternative healing in addition to regular stuff...

It's up and down for all of us, isn't it?  I  hope everyone is doing ok today...

Blessings,

Anna

[missyouhoney811]

This is very weird.  The blood bank just called for John to schedule his appointment to give blood.  I told the girl that John died on 8/11/06 and that he has not donated blood since the early 70's.  She said it was very strange that our number came up  his name should not be in the system.  That was the second call from the blood bank in two weeks.  What is going on?

Weighed in today and the scale continues to go down.  Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, John had wounds on his feet due to lack of circulation from being paralyzed.  I actually had to take him to the wound doctor 3 to 4 times a month.  When his infection was extremely bad we made the trips to hospital for the IV Therapy.  He would have to stay in anywhere from 3 to 8 weeks just for the IV.  Dumb insurance .... I could run the same line at home for him to be more comfortable but the insurance would not pay for the meds at home they rather waste the money and keep him in the hospital.  Never made sense to me. 

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Ishaq had to go to the foot doctor too on a regular basis to have them "file" down his calluses - he kept his foot but they took out a big part of the tendon, so the scar tissue was always a problem on the sole of his foot.

After his passing, I called the office where he went to tell them.  They were so sweet, and they said how much they were all going to miss him.

I went out "fast walking" this afternoon by the river; my knee still goes out off and on, so I have to be careful  Zumba sounds fun, but might be too much on my knee.   I also spent too much money at the online Linea Pelle purse sample sale...

Blessings,

Anna

[rodless]

Hi all,

I've been reading posts and keeping up with all of you. Have been in kind of a funk the past couple of weeks but doing a little better the last couple of days. Just tired of everything and needing to see sunshine and warmer temps. This second year has been rougher than I thought it would be. I don't hurt as bad as I did the first one but get discouraged much easier. Suppose reality has set in. Oh well...spring is coming. I am even glad to see the mud!

Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Mary Jo, I wish you could come out here and visit!  It's been warm even, and sunny, and everything is blooming.  I cut daffodils and have them next to Ishaq's picture on the altar.  Wish I could send some to you too!  Those bright yellow colors always cheer me up.

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

Mary Jo I so agree with you if the sun would just comeout and stay I think I would feel a little better. I have had a few bad days the past week and all I seem to do anymore is cry. I catch myself start to cry at work and I just can't stop it. I did the final plans for his headstone the otherday and that was so hard. They told me they would have it in place by memoral day. i really hated to have to do this but I did so I guess that is one more step that I had to make so I can move forward. I still miss him so much and wish he was here. Well heading to bed have to work in the morning have a good night and talk to you all later.

Lela

[grannyc]

(((Hi All))

Just read awhile a go.

"Life will die"  "Love will Never"

That's exactly how I see it!

Good Night, Cheryl

[myvinnie]

Hi Cheryl,

I really like that.. Life will die, Love will not... so so true. I have another one I use on my work email that I got from an email my brother sent to me before. He said he is so proud of me, his little sister for all I've endured and he has learned so much from me. The saying is- The human spirit is stronger than all of life's setbacks and disappointments, live while you are alive. My goal is to live. I have spent the last 2 years not living. I know I can do this. Vince I know.. would want me to. G*Night. - Dawna  

 

[aprilmoonflower]

Hi ladies! I have been sick much of this week with sinus/cold stuff. ugh.

yes still chatting/seeing the homeschool veggie dad  he is very nice. if nothing else I think we will become good friends. time will tell.

otherwise I am feeling kinda blah too! I got your email Anna and will email you back this evening! I am all psyched for the OCF! it's going to be fun! oh yeah and I definitely want one of your pomegranite martini's! yum!

[missyouhoney811]

April, I am glad you are still hitting it off with veggie homeschool dad.  What ever makes you happy I am all for it.

Any news on John Edwards?  Did they have to reimburse the tickets or reschedule?

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Mary Jo, I was wondering where you were.  The darn weather puts us all under either with depression or illiness.  I am sure once we see the sun shinning and the flowers growing  it will put all of us in a better frame of mind. 

Blessings,

Dorothy