I Miss Him So...

[missyouhoney811]

MJ, wish you were here with me...........I would take you to Zumba..........dinner and drinks.

Maybe one of these days we will meet.  I truly hope so......

Hope you feel better.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[rodless]

Thanks, Dorothy! The nearest zumba to me is 60 miles away but I'm going out for tacos and margaritas tonight with friends. We have 2 new inches of wet gloppy snow and it's still coming down. ARGHHHHHHHH! Oh well, in a few months I'll be complaining it's too hot. Have a good day. MJ

[Error username not found]

i dont know ..maybe its just today.. but im starting to feel kept to myslef again where i dont even wanna tell anyone wutz happening..becuz honestly..  noone cares anyway but me so wutz the point.

[aprilmoonflower]

baca- lol, cause that's how I feel too today! I am even sick of hearing myself talk and think about it.

[missyouhoney811]

Wish both of you girls were here with me.   I would make you something good to eat maybe have a few drinks and of course ending the evening with ZUMBA.  It truly does give me a HIGH.  I am moving parts of my body that have not been moved in years and it feels wonderful.  Who would of thought this type of dancing would make me feel alive again.  Last night I did Hip Hop Zumba with weights.  WOW

Running out to get some vegetables and fruit...................afterwards on my way to the 5:30 class tonight.

Blessings,

Dorothy

Did I mention before some of the movements make you feel as if your having sex or getting ready to have it...........................Wow again............many reasons to love Zumba lol..........

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, they are checking to see if their are any classes in your area.  I did not forget about you.

MJ, enjoy tonight...................have as much fun as you possibly can.

Beyond the clouds, behind the rain, there are a thousand rainbows...........one is on its way to you.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[mishknit]

dorothy..

i actually found a zumba class close to my house...

now i don't have an excuse, right????

lol.

i'll go check it out after spring break is over...there are others too..this one is really close tho.

peace.michele

oh, and baca and april....i was frustrated today in my attempts ...3 different places...to buy grout cleaner. i wanted to just shut myself up, get down on my hands and knees and clean grout! do somethuing useful, you know?

so i hear you guys (even if we dont' want to be heard..lol)

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, sorry no Zumba anywhere near you.  They have no idea when it will be arriving in  your area.  I think that sucks. You would have so much fun doing it.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missque]

baca- i feel the same way! i havent even signed into my msn in a few days0 which is a shocker for me whos normally on 24/7....

i get to pick up my new car tomorrow i love it!! like as much as my first one which i got about a month before jer died (however wrote it off only 5 days later) the second car i got i didnt really like however it was baught for me so i couldnt complain but im excited for this one and i got an excelent deal!!! 2005 with only 26 000KM on it! for only 10,500 the same one (but was a hatch back) i saw at anjother dealter and we negotiated it down to 11 900 and with about 50 more KM's so im excited for this great deal! plus its fully loaded (a 4 hr trip to school means cruise control is more of an asset lol)

[Error username not found]

yep..just been annoyed w/ everything. and about zumba.. i actually looked it up and theres a zumba.com  so if your interested..just look there..  ok ill tty all later. goodnight.

[eventually]

 

Hello everyone.  I haven't written in awhile.  I just haven't had the energy but I do come on and read every day.  I been in kind of a funk lately also.  I really don't want to do much.  A few days ago I was in the cafateria at work and a aquaintence came and asked if I had a ring on my finger.  He would always ask me this.  Well it really took me back cause I though he knew B had passed.  I was dumbfound and wasn't expecting it.  I was just thinking food.  When I told him he  made a excuse and quick getaway.  Wow thanks.  I was instantly standing back at my apt.  trying to do CPR on B again waiting for the paramedics.  Needless to say I've been in a funk since. 

I volunteered to run the light board for an impro group on April 4th and 5th.  I'm dreading it cause B ran it for more that 5 years. And it's also 8 months since he passed on the 4th.   Well I'm off to study my line for Macbeth.  I hope we all get out of our funk soon.  BTW congrats on getting your car Missque.

[armaiti]

Eventually, I know how those comments can send you into a tailspin.  And I know how hard it is to go and do something like you are talking about with the lighting.  After Ishaq passed, it was hard to go back and sing with the band we were in...I couldn't do it for a while.  And when I did, the first few times were pretty hard and emotional.

Miss, I'm happy for you that you got the car you wanted, and got a good deal.

Courtney, all I can do is send you peace and blessings...you deserve happiness in your life.

Blessings,

Anna

[Error username not found]

thenx anna, we all deserve THAT!!!! and i do have happiness in my life..but most things these days are bittersweet.

[eventually]

Anna, I agree it probably will be hard but I will have a lot of people supporting me.  I was reading back on here and people were saying what they were grateful for.  I seem only to post when things are going bad for me but I wanted to say what I'm grateful for:

-Being able to spend 6yrs with B. 3rys as just a friend and 3yrs as a couple.  The best years of our life.

-his family they are so good to me and treat me like a daughter.

-the theatre and all my friends there.

-All of you here at BI, you all are so very strong and wise.  I can't count how many times you have helped me. I am so grateful for that.

-My family and my puppy Sassy who always brings a smile to my face.

-And knowing when it is my time to go B will be waiting for me with open arms.  I'm no longer afraid.

There's much more but I've taken up too much space.  ((((HUGS AND BLESSINGS)))) to all.

-Mishi

[Error username not found]

hey everyone..

just thought id let you know that i actually exercised today and it REALLY does make u feel better!! lol.. i actually felt a lot better..more energetic..i think i might do it more.

[missyouhoney811]

Baca, I am glad you started to exercise.  It does wonders for the mind and body.  It actually puts a smile on my face when I am working out.  I am looking forward to tomorrow nights class...............dancing/exercising to the beat of the drum.  Tomorrow night is more of a party gathering.  I already set my alarm to get up in time to go to the 9:30 AM class........I'll return at 7:00 PM for the party class.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[armaiti]

Yesterday was 20 months for me.  It was Friday 20 months ago when Ishaq passed, so suddenly and so unexpectedly.  And just like 20 months ago, I was there leading Sufi zikr in the same place, with many of the same people who were with me on that sad night.  Ishaq's best friend was there, the one whose girlfirend died just a half year after Ishaq.  I led a lot of the melodies Ishaq used to lead, and I could feel him with us.  It was a good evening. 

Today I feel pretty tired out; I woke up coughing, this cold just drags on.  The cat's thrown up twice today, I'm getting really sick of cleaning up cat barf.    My friends are back these evening for dinner, I'm just making it easy, lemon rice and a pre-bought/cooked chicken and some asparagus and wine.  Wish I could go out for a walk but it's cold and has started to pour again.  There was rain mixed with snow and hail yesterday.  Where'd my spring go?

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, Ishaq will always be with you.  His spirit will always be close to you.  To have deep, strong love is a wonderful thing......We have to be thankful for what we did have...............so many people go through life never knowing what real love is.  We were blessed.

Life is a gift whose value increases with each mountain we climb and each new star we  reach for.

Zumba started at 7:00 PM and ended at 8:40 PM.  It was so fantastic.  The "special" teacher was out of this world. The steps and movements we did tonight  were unbelievable.  I love it so much I can't believe I am so into it.  We had 60 people in class tonight. Since it was also considered a party they had fruit trays and drinks. I have never seen anyone move the way this teacher/owner moved.  She was simply wonderful.  They had tickets for class to dance with the "Master Zumba Instructor" I bought a ticket.  It is scheduled for June and it is at a studio in Steubenville, Ohio.  To think a doctor wanted to do back surgery on me.  Thank God I said no.  The dancing is giving me strength and making my body stong.  I take nothing for my back and hip now.  I still have to laugh when we get down  bouncing our butt in mid air doing hip hop.  I never thought I would or could do that.  My body is very moveable now. We actually ended our class with the can/can.  They were taking pictures of us....It was quite a work out but at the same time it was so much fun.

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

[missque]

so sad and depressed i just wanna be with jer

[angelmissing]

Hi,

I understand, as I am sad and depressed and want to be with my Mark so bad also.. May we find strength today.

[armaiti]

Miss and Angelmissing, sending you peace and strength today...

Dorothy, thank you, I do feel Ishaq with me...I do feel so blessed he was in my life.

I'm still feeling a tired and snuffly from this cold...probably because I haven't slowed down hosting my friends.  They've left now and I'm making Greek egg-lemon chicken soup with the leftover chicken and rice from last night...Just going to stay in, rest, and watch movies today, and hopefully feel better tomorrow and ready to start exercising again.  I feel like such a slug lately when I'm sick!

[missyouhoney811]

Anna, your soup sounds good.  Your getting me hungry.

I came home from church a little after 1:00PM.  I normally like to go to the earlier Mass but a was a bit tired this morning. Its a little chilly out but the sun is shinning which makes for a nice day. 

I still have to get John his eternal light for his grave.  I just don't care for the onces that I have seen.  They look so cheap and plastic.  I guess I'll have to call the cemetery office up to get the guidelines and perhaps order off the internet.  I bought a box of butterfly wild flower seeds which I plan on putting around John's head stone once the weather improves.  I still have Sherman's ashes in my utility room on the shelf.  I have to do something with them also.

Anna, my clock just started to play Somewhere Over the Rainbow...............yes they are indeed.

Plans for this evening are to do Zumba again at 7:00.............I am addicted.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

Thinking of you Linda.  I hope you are doing well.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missque]

made sushi for dinner tonight- now i have a crap load of rice left... might make some rice puddin... i made a pizza lastnight (dough also) between lastnight and tonight my kitchen floor is begging to be cleaned

[lindat]

Hi Dorothy,  Doing okay.  Chemo tomorrow so will be sick the rest of the week.  Not looking forward to it, but it is one more down and 6 weeks to go.   It was warmer today and I think we had our last snow fall a few days ago.  I am so ready for spring, except that it brings the time that Jim is leaving closer.   We spent the weekend packing his stuff for the trip, it is so hard, but I'm hanging in there.   Linda

[armaiti]

Linda, my friend who was going through chemo just got a clean bill of health - he had an MRI and everything is fine, they took the port out his chest (they'd left it in just in case) and he says he's feeling almost back to normal, just a little numbness still in his fingers and toes. 

You should definately have an end of chemo party when you are done! 

I just got back from a walk - made myself get up and out of the house, just to get some fresh air - this cold just drags on and on, and I felt so tired all day...still, just the little bit of walking by the river and around the neighborhood looking at flowers helped.  There's some dark clouds on the horizons though - today it's been sun, then snow, then rain, then sleet, then sun, then wind - I think I even heard some thunder. 

Miss, sushi sounds good and so does rice pudding!  I have rice left over too from last night's dinner and from making my chicken soup, I may have to make some pudding as well!

[lindat]

Unfortunately, as soon as chemo is done, I start radiation.  Every day - M thru F for 6 weeks.  Since my cancer is on my left side, I have received numerous warnings that my heart and lungs may be damaged.  No celebration yet, but will be ready when radiation is done.  I will have to have infusions for a year, so they won't take the port out until that is finished.  It will be great when that happens, your friend must be very happy. 

I got a juice machine and have been making fresh vegetable juices.  I also use the pulp to make muffins and cakes.   My family is enjoying the baked goods and I stay busy.

[lindat]

Thanks Aurora, I am definitely hanging in there and doing pretty well.   I will really be glad when I have reached the point where you are and can leave here and get on with my life.  I am hoping to do the 3day walk in September.

[karla2]

I have been reading through all of the postings here and other places. Seems that you have light somewhere... My hurt is still so bad..I can hardly see my way to function every day..I have to be here for my girls, but I can barely comprhend it myself.  I don't have anything in me to help them...I feel so bad, I miss him so much

karla

[lindat]

Was yours on your left side?   I have a friend that has damage to her heart from the radiation, so I know there is the chance.  It has changed her life forever.  The chemo hasn't been bad at all, so maybe the radiation won't be either.   I will be having infusions of herceptin for a year and tamoxifin or something similar for 5 years.  I will be able to leave here after that and get on with my life.  It seems a very long time off, but Katrina was almost 3 years ago and it seems like yesterday so I know it will go by fast.  My grandmother used to say not to wish your life away, at this age it certainly makes sense

[lindat]

Karla,  I am so sorry that you are having a hard time.  We are here and we are listening.   My Terry has been gone since Jan. 17, 2006 and it took me a very long time to smile again.   Hang in there and be good to yourself, take one day at a time.

Linda

[aurora]

You are still very new to what is happening to you Karla. You must be very gentle with yourself. You are feeling numb and in shock like we all have been when this has hit us. Do things now that will give you peace and comfort,listening to favorite music, looking at spring flowers, perhaps make a scrapbook of memories about your love, write poems or journal or write letters to your love. Light a candle in his memory, try to remember the good memories and the time you had together. Your girls will look to you for strength so perhaps including them now or eventually will help-just small daily things. Live one day at a time-don't try to pack everything in to one day. If you've had enough quit for the day. Be easy on yourself. Try to avoid negative people that will only compound your grief. Live one minute at a time if that's all you can handle.

[karla2]

Thank you, I hear so many saying live one minute at a time...I have such a hard time not pushing myself.  Before the loss of my husband of 22 years, I was a very strong person..I feel like all of my strength went with him...I am at a total loss right now..i feel so numb and i hurt so bad,

[lindat]

Herceptin has many problems, but I have been extremely lucky so far.   In my case, it the negatives were worth the benefits, as long as it doesn't kill you of course.   I have done visualization, but I don't think it works for me.   I have had no problems with the chemo at all, the only trouble I have had is with the Neulasta shot the day after chemo.  That shot makes me sick for 3 or 4 days, but then I am good for 2 weeks.  Since it costs $7,000 a shot, I try to tell myself that I would be cheated if I didn't feel something from it.  My cancer was estrogen receptive and that is why the tamoxifin.  The great thing is that I will have full medicaid coverage for the 5 years that I take it, which is why I will have to stay in MI. 

[lindat]

Chemo has been a piece of cake so far, so it would be wonderful if radiation was even easier.   Katrina was nothing, losing Terry was hell.   Breast cancer is somewhere in the middle.   This too shall pass.

[aurora]

Hey Linda, You can tell everybody you're a million dollar baby after you're all done at egads $7000 a shot!!

[lindat]

I lost my hair during the 3rd week of chemo.  They have me on 2 different chemo drugs, herceptin, steroids and an anti-nausea drug.  I do the herceptin every week - the rest of it every 3 weeks.   It will take about 6 hours tomorrow to do the 5 bags.  They said that since the chemo was so strong, they couldn't do the radiation at the same time, I wish could have to get it over with.   My oncologist said there was no way around the hair loss, I guess it is the combination of drugs that I am on.   I was glad to cut mine off because it gets really painful while it is falling out.  My eyelids were bright red for a couple of weeks until my eyelashes fell out.  I still have a few eyebrows, thank goodness for pencil.

[misshimstill]

Karla,  I've just read your posts.  I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time adjusting.  Although it may not sound very reassuring right now, what you are feeling is very normal.  We've all felt that same lost feeling you're describing.  I have always felt that I was very strong, too, but I don't feel so strong anymore.  The grief has just about taken it all from me.  But over the years it has gotten better, and I'm confident that it will for you, as well.

Aurora had some very good suggestions for you.  One of them that was so good for me to work on was the scrapbook.  I started to just do a simple album, and it ended up being a very elaborate scrapbook that took weeks to do.  I loved working on it.  Got to look at all those wonderful pictures, and while I worked on it I was sad (and I cried many tears), but it was also healing. 

Just take each day as it comes.  Deal with only what HAS to be done right now.  The other things can wait.   I'm praying for you.  ~Oneta

[lindat]

I tried to talk them into giving me the $42,000 for the 6 shots, but they wouldn't.  Herceptin is more than $3000 a month for a year, not sure what the other chemo drugs are they said my bills will total about $1 million by the time it is over.

[lindat]

My sister goes with me and watches TV.  I work on my laptop.  I have to go to the hospital short stay ward for mine.   She goes to the cafeteria and gets lunch and brings it back.  The steroids caused me to gain some weight, which I was not happy about - it took too long to lose it.  It also gives me motor mouth my sister says.

[aurora]

You are lucky to have your sister with you!! That's great. See, you will be a million dollar baby with 3 new tatoos(you get those little dots so they can angle in the radiation and they will always know where and what happened by those dots. You're in a computer somewhere.)

[lindat]

I lost 100 with the grief and the prospect of seeing the boyfriend after all those years.  I gained back 10 but started walking 5 miles a day again a couple of weeks ago, and it came back off.   The boyfriend is moving to CA in June and I hope I can keep it together and not gain weight again.   I will see him again in October when I go out there, so that should help me stay on track. 

Michele, I will be driving from San Diego to San Luis Obispo in October - are you on that route?  It would be great to finally meet you!!

[aurora]

Wow Linda!! 5 miles a day on chemo is fabulous. You are STRONG.

[lindat]

I didn't know about the tatoos, guess that is fine with all the other scars that I have gained.  My sister has been a life saver.  I came here in August to help the boyfriend move and was only going to stay for a couple of weeks.  With everything that happened with his cancer and mine, I am still here living with her and she even bought me a car to use while I am here.  My car is still in CA along with all my stuff that I saved from Katrina.   Everytime I think I am on track, something switches the rail.   Two days after Katrina, I lived in a new place, worked at a new job and had new friends - that was weird.  Two weeks after Terry died, I hit the road and drove for several months trying to find a happy place - once I figured out that happiness would have to come from within I was able to slow down.   By the time cancer derailed my well laid plans, I was getting used to **** happening.  Now I never expect anything to go as planned, we only ever have today. 

[lindat]

I do 2 1/2 miles twice a day.  I don't do it as fast as I used to, but that will change with time.  The 3 day walk is 20 miles a day for 3 days, so I am anxious to get in shape.   Walking is great, I love listening to my ipod and getting fresh air.

[aurora]

Are you going to do the Avon walk?? Out here they walk from Santa Barbara to Malibu. They have 5K walks around the Rose Bowl and Coliseum. I'm a wuss. I just do the laps on the HS track for the Relays for Life. I can tell with your spirit you are going to make it and BIG time.

The tatoos are just teeny tiny dots.

[aurora]

One of my friends is from New Orleans. One of her sister's was a nurse in a hospital in NO when Katrina hit. She was on the 5th floor and had to go to the roof and be evacuated by helicopter. Linda, you sound like you are living the life of a gypsy. I hope your life will settle down for you!! I have a very similar story to yours. I try to roll with the punches but some days I want to punch back:).

[lindat]

It is the 3 day walk for the Susan G. Komen foundation.  The walk in MI is in Sept.   and the one in San Diego is in Nov.  It costs $90 to sign up and you have to have $2200 in pledges to walk the 60 miles.  The website is http://www.the3day.org - Avon may be a sponsor, I'm not sure.

The tatoos won't be worse than the dye that they put in me to find the sentinel lymph node.  It was bright blue and was still there since January until a week or so ago.

My home was in Pass Christian, MS.  My daughter still lives there and just finally moved out of the FEMA trailer a couple of months ago.  We all lost everything except what we had in our cars.   New Orleans was really bad, but our town is still 90% gone.   My friends are scattered all over the country, hopefully some day I will see them again.  No matter how bad things seem, there are always many who have it worse.  The blessings are everywhere if we choose to count them.  

I am headed to bed, gotta be there at 8am.  Thanks for making my night go by faster...

[aurora]

Goodnight Linda, I hope all goes well for you tomorrow!

[mishknit]

ues, linda..i am on that route..and will make it a point to meet you.

how could i not? you have beome such an inspiration for allof us here.

keep us informed of your progress, and keep me informed of your trip.

we'll make this happen!!!!

peace, michele