I Miss Him So...

[Error username not found]

heres the deal guys..

FiRST: does anybody know how to delete posts? and

SECOND: i have never felt so seriously freaked out in my life.i want us to have our own personal chat room. we should make our own thing where only WE can talk to eachother..and have it 100x more personal.. i will tell u all what happend in mail.

[aprilmoonflower]

baca- there is a private group I made through yahoogroups. I think it is beyond_widowhood_too no one's used it for a long long time though. cause it's just easier to come here. but I agree as I am a little squicked out writing here at times due to DH nosy webstalking family. (cause I know with out a doubt they read here) but hey I have nothing to hide! I hope everything is ok. you can email me at

az _ mama @ hotmail . com (no spaces)

[lindat]

Dorothy,  I, for one, enjoy hearing about your trips and adventures.  And since I won't be taking any for awhile, it is especially fun hearing about yours.   I do understand your feelings though.  Last year after I started emailing Jim, I thought I was finally okay and that my participation and happiness here was out of place - I just read for a long time, not able to just leave.  I am so glad that I stayed, the support here has been awesome and just what I need right now.   We don't know what waits for us, but it is great to have a place to share whatever it is with these people that have been through so much with us.   I pray that your journeys will be happy and fun, and I do want to hear all about them.   BTW, I do plan on kicking ass,  thanks for the hugs and prayers.

April,  the guy from the personals called a couple of days ago and we were supposed to go out to dinner last night, but we had a snowstorm.  Turns out, if it's true, he has been down in FL taking care of a brother that is dying from diabetes.  I know they have phones in FL, so I am not as excited as I once was, but still curious enough to get a free dinner.   I did tell him that I couldn't kiss because of the germs and he seems fine with that.   It would be nice if it could happen before my hair falls out....

[aprilmoonflower]

btw you should PM a moderator.

also you can edit by hitting "edit" on the post you want to edit. You can also delete posts too.

[aprilmoonflower]

that's awesome Linda!!! I hope you are doing better this week. what a roller coaster for you. (((Hugs)))

[Error username not found]

 i hope for you to get 100% better!! dont worry about your hair falling out! it will be healthy when it grows back in =). also your really strong so im confident that youll do fine.

april..lol i just think thatz CRAZY.

[lindat]

Thanks Courtney,  unfortunately mine will come in grey or white - have been dying it since 1968.   Not sure when I can start dying it again, but the wig will stay on until I can.   Actually at my age, I don't look at any of the side effects of this illness as negative, just more as battle scars of which I am or will be proud.  I figure at 61, if someone doesn't like the scars, I probably don't need them in my life.  

That prof. was way wrong and you are absolutely right to be offended - shame on those in the room that weren't. 

[armaiti]

Oh, and you asked about my friend contacting spirits...she does do readings for people who have loved ones who have crossed over.  You could email her and tell her your situation, she can let you know more about what she does and how she does it.  

You can email me too, if you need help with some problem on this board.  My email is ishaqanna@earthlink.net

Blessings,

Anna

[lindat]

April,  I am doing better, it helps to be able to get out of bed.   I am going to the movies with Jim tonight, hopefully we can do it without arguing    Life goes on....

[missque]

melissa_dunn2@hotmail.com - e mail me let me know what happened~ hope things are ok baca

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda- how was your movie?

Baca- hope you are ok?

Miss-can I steal your email too?

It is windy and sunny here (but cold!) I am sitting here sipping nilgiri tea. Need to get some articles written, and I'm not feeling so hot today as I think I am coming down with a stomach bug (or having digestive issues once again). ugh. I need to look into some digestive enzymes or something. I already completely gave up coffee. I suspect chocolate is next as that's what I ate last night! (oh no!!!!)

My etsy store is SLOW going. ugh;. I forgot how hard it is to get things done with kids. right now they have my jar of buttons all over the living room. but hey it is keeping them busy.

what I want to know is how many of you have digestive issues too?

I was reading in one my TCM (traditional chinese medicine) texts that grief rules the meridian of LI (Large Intestine) which can cause digestive problems in those grieveing.

[armaiti]

April, that's interesting about the grieving issues and the digestive track...I'm going to our Sufi healing class tonight, and the teacher is a local acupuncturist and chi qong teacher...I'll have to ask him about that!

I started taking some digestive enzymes off and on.  I use Rainbow Light called Advanced Enzyme Systems...I think my problem is more with wheat, but it comes and goes.  Luckily I live in a city that is alternative-food heaven!  A friend and I went out last night to a new pasta restaurant in our neighborhood, that has gluten free options.  I had the rice/soy pasta with a lemon cream sauce, and they make a wonderful flourless chocolate torte.  I think I ate too much too late though, because I had really wierd dreams for a lot of the night, mostly about oversleepiing and missing stuff!

I went out to a powwow yesterday.  I really prefer the outdor ones, but because of our weather so many are in high school gyms.  Still, it was nice to hear the drums and songs. 

Linda, how are you feeling today?

Courtney, how are you doing?  And everyone else too?

Blessings,

Anna

[aprilmoonflower]

Anna- I'd love to hear what your friend suggests! I can't exactly do shiatsu on myself (though I can work on specific points) I will look for those enzymes.

[missyouhoney811]

April and Anna, I also have digestive problems. Acid reflux, gerd and diverticulosis. I have been handling the gerd with nexium which works excellent for me. The diverticulosis acts up when I eat mainly fruits and nuts.  I ended up in the hospital for five days in 2002 for eating too much fruit. I was on clear liquid and IV for five days.  I am waiting for my biopsy results from my colonoscopy and polypectomy.  I am sure it will be fine.  Think positive and things go perfect.

I am going again..........received e-mail from the Venetian in Vegas.  They are giving me complimentary suite for three nights.  The Venetian just opened their new Palazzo Hotel January, 2008.  I decided to do the Palazzo this time. I leave on 2/26 (which is our church wedding date). I think I told you once before John and I got married by a judge on 9/27/75 and again on 2/26/77 in the Catholic Church.  My air fare is fantastic..........roundtrip $245.50 (Southwest Airlines). I return the evening of 2/29. I was going to do the trip alone but as it turned out my son's business trip to Colorado was cancelled. The company scheduled a trip for Lake Tahoe.........he has to be there on 2/28.  Sooooooooooooooo he is able to go to Vegas with me. I can't wait mom and son will have one on one time together. I also have some happy money to take with me.  This past Thursday night I played a few numbers for Friday's afternoon draw. My number came out 811 (I $2.00 super boxed it) It paid out $1,000.00.

I might go to a football party this evening over my friends house.  She will be having around 15 people.  Maybe I will maybe I won't.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[missque]

april- feel free to take it if u want

as far as digestive issues its hard for me to tell cuz i got so much wrong with my body and so many pills go in me it just screwes everything up lol for all i know its gottenworse but its hard to say since its been going on before he passed...

i was wondering if anyone has the same fear is me... im worried that for the rest of my life im gonn comapre every man to Jer. I dont wanna but how can i not??

[aprilmoonflower]

miss- I have a bunch of emails from the women here in case the site crashes. don't worry I won't spam you or send annoying fwd's! lol.

if anyone else wants to send me their email too, feel free!

az _ mama @ hotmail . com (no spaces)

I have Dorothy's and Anna's. and now Melissa's.

[lindat]

Had a wonderful day yesterday.  We went to dinner, shopping and lots of talking, without arguing.  It was 1am when we got back to his place and I was exhausted so he asked me to spend the night - he slept on the couch and gave me the bed.   We had coffee and more conversation this morning - mostly about nutrition and our cancer battles and it was mostly calm and peaceful.  If we could be like this all the time, it would be perfect - but he is obsessive, compulsive and we have had few good days like this one.  I am grateful for the good ones though, and smiling for now.

lindamh@cableone.net

[aprilmoonflower]

Linda I am adding you to my addresses  Glad you had a good day yesterday!!!

[armaiti]

Linda, glad you had a good day and a good time!

I'm having a not-so-good day...just feel tired and not very enthused about anything.  Sometimes just living without Ishaq here seems to take so much energy.  I'm making myself go out tonight to the Sufi Healing class...doing spiritual practicies and all usually helps me feel better.  And the weather is still cold and rainy...we're getting into that time of year in Oregon that seems harder than the beginning of winter, because trees are budding and things are starting to come out of hibernation, but it's still a long ways until warmth and sun.

Hope everyone else had a peaceful weekend,

Blessings,

Anna

[laquinn]

I hope everyone is doing well. I am having a hard time the past few days. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of when we found out Randy was sick. It's been 16 weeks now that he left me. Just not a whole lot going on trying to stay busy but just don't want to  do anything. Went to work Saturday just cried the whole time they were having a party for Mardi gra I did not stay came straight home.I did not tell anyone that I was leaving (they don't want any of the female workers to go to their car alone) so as soon as I got home my cell started ringing wanting to know where I was and if I was alright. I lied and told them I was fine just tired, and then I cried myself to sleep. I hate all of this I want my old life back. This past year was so bad I have a calendar from last year that I wrote everything done on and I got it out today to just look at everything that happened and I hate it all of it.

 The weather is crappy I had to stay in town at my sisters Thursday till Last night if I stayed here I would  not have gotten out from all the snow. Yesterday the sun was out not to cold today we had rain, hail, fog this weather is crazy to go from 11 inches of snow on thursday to almost all melted now.

Tried to watch the superbowl tonight just wasn't into it and I love football we used to always watch the game and have people over I just wasn't into it this year. I just feel awful I can't seem to find anything that I enjoy anymore nothig seems to help. I just miss Randy so  much I feel like I am going in slow motion and just can't go any faster.     

Just feeling sad and alone today

Lela

[missque]

"real loss is only possible when you love something more than yourself"

[Error username not found]

i like that quote. basically everyone i havent had time to write to you all.. its just CRAZY when ppl we dont even know know all about us. anyway im FEELIN LIKE **** and im starting to feel guilty. i dont know why. i just feel like im here w/out him and ppl tell me "maybe one day youll find someone else" and i actually thought about that comment and what these ppl mean and i feel so shitty that i would even be able to have someone else when hes dead. it makes me feel bad even thought i havent been w/ anyone else and i dont plan to be. i just feel guilty for being able to do things..and im sad and lonely and depressed ect..ect..

                  

[missque]

baca- i know what you mean... even when things weregoing on between the other guy and myself i would cry at night because i felt like crap. like i was cheating on jer or something. i hated it and i still do but at the same time in the moment of the other guy being here and snuggling i liked it.. looking back i know it was just the feeling and not the person that i liked. id just kinda close my eyes and wish it was jer

[Error username not found]

yeah i know what you mean. i wish i could have him again too. to me i think that you were just lonely and looking for what you used to have with jeremy.at least you realize what it was about.=).and as far as guilt goes i guess its just part of this whole bullshit.

april - i really like your new pic!! its really nice.

anna- how r u. it actually snowed a little here.. but then it rained right after and washed it away.

everyone else how r u?

 

 

[aprilmoonflower]

maybe I am good with my grief cause I really don't want my DH back. I guess being lied to and cheated on (as well as the cocaine use,etc) settled that. maybe someday I won't feel that way but for now I feel it's for the best. then I feel guilty for feeling so. but I can't change the way I feel, yk? and at this point I don't even want to.

[armaiti]

Hi, I'm feeling better today...going out to the Sufi class last night was a good idea.  Now I'm doing art and getting ready to put some stuff on eBay and clean the house.  Still cold and rainy today.  No more snow. 

I'm presenting at our monthly Interfaith Service on the 11th.  The theme is "Healing the Broken Heart".  That's one I'm working with a lot. 

I still can't imagine being with anyone except Ishaq.  He was the best relationship I've ever had, my true soulmate...I'm just learning how to be comfortable with myself now, and enjoy the visitations and signs I still get from Ishaq.

Last year I had two dreams where Ishaq and I were taking care of an baby, a girl.  I found out last week that the grandchild that is due in May is a girl!  I think Ishaq was introducing me to her early - even before I knew that his son was planning a family!  

I got really excited and designed some new pastel baby clothes designs for my online stores.  I'll have to start knitting some stuff too!  And Michele, I did make that cedar waxwing picture into a card. 

Hope everyone has a better week - sounds like a lot of us had low and sad times this weekend...

Blessings,

Anna

[Error username not found]

anyone HERE got myspace??

[armaiti]

I do...

http://www.myspace.com/annaarmaiti

[Error username not found]

jeeze.. i was gonna friend request you but its impossible LOL!!!! ACTUALLY .. I JUST FIGURED IT OUT!! lol

[missyouhoney811]

Can someone please walk me through posting a picture..............I transferred from snapfish to my e-mail address BUT that is as far as I can get.......HELP ME!

dorothy.herman@comcast.net

[armaiti]

I don't know how snapfish works...I upload my photos to www.photobucket.com  Their site is really easy - it gives you html code to copy into emails, or messages.  I use the image one for posting pictures here.  I took a look at snapfish, because I had some stuff there once but I don't see any codes or ways of doing that.

Photobucket is a free site, if you want to try uploading your pictures to that.

Blessings,

Anna

[pamhadfred]

Dear  Bacafly,     I know the guilt you feel.  Any experiences I have now are without my Jimmie.  And I hate it.  People have said the same things to me about finding somebody else.  I don't say anything but I think to myself, "how dare you  want me to find somebody else. "   I don't ever want anybody else, Jimmie is my whole life.  I try to remember that they mean well but it's still hurts.  They just don't understand until it happens to them.  I hurt so badly,  I don't want to do anything.  However I need to work  so  I do but I'm just mechanical and numb.  I guess all of us here are just jigsaw puzzles  with  the most important piece missing.  Thanks for listening,  Pam

[lindat]

I do too...

http://www.myspace.com/linduhzpage

[mishknit]

ok...

i am upset!!!

i want a myspace, and my son thinks it's dumb for me to have one!

lol..i think he's embarrased.

i'm going to do it...but i am jealous of both of yours....it will probably take me forever to do anything as cool!

peace,

michele

[armaiti]

A lot of my friend's kids are on Myspace, but their parents aren't!  I'm going to help Jamila set up a page next time I see her, both her daughters are on my friend list.

A lot of my friends that are musicians have pages, too.  It's a good way to get info out about concert gigs and new releases. 

I'm having a low key day...I did a new bird design for my store, but haven't done much except eat sort-of junk food -well, for me - wheat free chocolate donuts, and I made some french onion clam dip which I ate too much of while watching Northern Exposure...I decided I'd just have a "down" day.  Tomorrow I have to get it together because I have a bunch of folks coming over for a Sufi evening.

I got a really nice card today from Ishaq's dad.  I'd sent friends and family these calendar magnets with Ishaq's picture on them for his 1 1/2 year crossing over anniversary.  His dad really like it, and wrote how "going through grief can be a time of unfolding", and I do my unfolding by "creating beautiful things".   I'm so glad Ishaq's whole family is so open to the mystical side of things. 

Well, I'm heating up a salmon burger, to try and get some more healthy protein in me today...

Blessings,

Anna

[Error username not found]

pam - i know exactly how you feel. its insensitive. its like.. eh.. theyll be someone else..dont worry about THAT one. u know? also..yeah..i feel like im empty. im missing a HUGEE piece of me and i always will be. how long for you if you dont mind me asking? its been 1yr and 4 mnths for me.

[airymoon]

linda sorry i didnt post right away. ive been reading but i dont have much energy to post. Any way my friend started feeling achey the next day but she was really sore from the shot about four days later. They did give her pain meds and she was able to work while taking them so i guess they were not too strong. As far as your oncologist goes, hers is a really good one but he doesnt allow a lot of suplements either. You do need to have a doctor you feel you can work with though so check around. When i was younger(20's) one of my friends had leukemia and during his treatment his hair fell out. He was a dark blond When it grew back in it was curly and red. So maybe no more dye for you and instant curls.

I hope everyone is doing better. Maybe its the time of year or the weather but i have no energy and just seem to sleep alot.

Good luck all

Becky

[lindat]

Hi Becky,    The shot hit me the next day and the day after that,  real achey but I hate taking pain meds so toughed it out this time.   I am doing better since Friday.   My son is coming from CA this Saturday to spend a week with us.   I am really looking forward to it and hope I feel okay.   They changed my schedule to every week for the Herceptin so that kind of sucks.  I feel like I live at the hospital.   2 hours today and 3 appts tomorrow - good thing I can't work 'cuz there is no time for it.   Thanks for the reply and I hope you feel better soon.  Linda

[pamhadfred]

Bacafly,  It will be 6 months on the 13th of February.  My birthday is on the 14th so it will be very hard.  Jim would always make me breakfast in bed on my birthday.  Then we would do whatever I wanted.  He would say "it's your day, we'll do whatever you want."  My heart aches so much.   Thanks for caring, Pam

[missque]

I dont have myspace (well i do but i dont use it) its not a real canadian thing- were into facebook.... however iam on MSN if u have it Baca feel free to add me

[missyouhoney811]

I just came back from having dinner. What a feast............lamb chops, grilled vegtables, mashed potatoes, ceasar salad, bread with dipping oil, coffee and a flight of red wine.  I start my diet tomorrow with Jenny Craig. I picked up the food for a week today. Years ago we both joined as life time members so all I had to do was pay for the food.  When we originally joined it was just to take off the 5 or 10 extra pounds. I am happy I did join way back when because the memberships today are a bit much. I went to John's favorite restaurant.............."Bravo's"..........they always treat me great.  After going their for years you actually become friends with the servers as well as the managers.  They are fun people. They say to eat well the night before you start a diet.  So I did. Although, I had to bring home a doggy bag with four lamb chops.  They serve eight with a meal.  I never was a big eater but with my lack of movement after John died I put on weight which I want off my body. They told me I do not eat enough.  So I want the diet in full gear...............I also went to Zumba this afternoon.  My plan is to diet and work out at least three to four times per week.  I want to be healthy for at least another 30-35 years. I have alot of things to do in this life.

I did go to my friends house (Renee's) on Sunday to watch the game.  She had a lovely dinner for her daughters birthday.  Including  me she had ten people over. I was very glad that I went out.

Three weeks from today I will be in Vegas......WOW........can't wait I simply love that place.  Hope to hit big and buy my condo on the strip.....what a life that would be.

I is very rainy but I can't complain about the temperature.............it's 57 degrees. Looking forward to spring and flowers growing.

God Bless and Take Care,

Dorothy

[missyouhoney811]

I forgot to mention while I was having dinner I received a call from my other friend (Celeste). She brought up her neighbor..........his wife died a few months before my John. She stated that he told her he was bored and tired of not doing anything. In her mind she thinks I would be fun for him. I told her I was not interested.  She decided that she would have a group of people over her house including me. That way he would be there and I could decide after talking with him. I told her to make the plans but not until I come back from Vegas.  Every new day if you open your eyes wide enough things really do happen................I asked her if he was 95 years old and rich. She said he is 58 and rich....

"Trust in the promise of time and you'll see that the stars hold wonderful surprises for us all".

Blessings,

Dorothy

[aprilmoonflower]

you never know Dorothy! you may hit it off! 

[mishknit]

dorothy...

if you don't like him..call me! lol!

you were talking earlier about perhaps leaving..please don't! you are so full of life, even after loss, it's wonderful and inspiring to read your posts.

I wish i could meet you in Vegas..I would in a second (only a 4 hour drive for me). maybe next time you go, tho you'll have all the luck and i'll be frustrated! lol!

hope all of you VOTED today (ok, that's my soapbox!)

peace,

michele

[missyouhoney811]

[align=left]Michele, it would be great to meet you in Vegas. No need to be frustrated. We would have to do our winning dance and chant in the middle of the casino..........its a sure thing we would both win........must think POSITIVE......

[/align]

[mishknit]

oh, so it's a dance and a chant..

gonna let us in on it????

hugs,

michele

seriously...one of these trips...we'd have a ball, i think!

[missque]

im kinda shocked and amazed.. aside from my friend who i talk to every day (who was jers best friend) today for the first time i was talking to a friend and she said "how are you doing without jer and stuff?" ... "it must be so hard" shes a really close friend but we dont talk much maybe once a month and we see eachother only a few times a year with us being apart at school. and yet shes the only one whos asked me that. I get the typical how are u doing and i know its being refered to jer but for her to actually come out and say it.. it makes me so sad that its taken 9 months for someone to ask me that someone i hardly talk to.. and yet my other friends who talk to me 10000 times more than her have never ever asked me how im doing. Like i said only one other person has and thats cuz we talk every day and she was his best friend. it just says something about people ya no... i look at the friends that i had before who want nothing to do with me now cuz hes gone and they think its werid and yet someone who i've grown up in the summers (she lived in the US for the winters) someone i hardly ever see now askes me point blank how im doing. i know it sounds sily but it means so much to me and yet breaks my heart that no one else has.

on another side of things i was out on the weekend with some friends and one of jers co-wokers (hes in his mid 30;s) and i asked him something and his answer was "it was ur um...uh...um..." im like Jer? he said yes... i dont talk to this guy much so im sure it was jut him not knowing what to say to me... and thats fine with me when im out at the bar i dont like people coming up to me saying things like how are u omg ur so strong etc. i guess im kinda coming from different sides now- on one hand it hurts that no ones asked me how im doing with him gone on the other side in a way i kinda like how he didnt wana say jers name.

[airymoon]

miss think of it this way...This is a very confusing time for those of us who are living it. How hard it must be for those who have no idea what its like to be here. I never got offended that people didnt ask directly about kurt. I just assumed they didnt want to upset me or offend me. I did have one friend ask me if i wanted her to talk about him or if i would rather she just kept it to herself. I told her OMG i want you to talk to me i need to know that others think about him too and that he meant  something to others. It means he really did exist and i am not going to fall apart because you talk about him. I may cry but that is ok because i would cry any way. I also think that most people dont know how to approach what they want to say and if you are puting on a brave face they may think if they talk to you about it it will undo all of your "progress". We know this isnt the case but how do they understand something they haven't experienced? Unless someone has said something directly and intentionally offensive i try to assume they are just clueless, Even the "you'll find someone else" thing. I just tell them if it is meant to be i will, i dont control that. The only time i took offense at it was when his mom told me that 2 days after his death. For god's sake we didnt even have his funeral yet. Then also the Christmas 6 months after his death and the one this year at 18 months nobody in his family even mentioned him except for one of his sisters and the others looked at us talking like we were ruining their holiday. WTF this is thier brother and son so how could they not have memories and thoughts of him. My family, his inlaws laughed, and talked about him and the silly things he did everytime we missed it or someone else did the same thing he would have done. So I guess there are people who are just not understanding the situation and not knowing what or how to approach it and there are those that are just uncaring. I let them show me their true colors and until they do i try not to assume the worse, But when i do find out the worse they are out because i no longer have time for that in my life. I now know how fast my life can change or be over and i dont want to waste any of it with negative things.

Ok rambling now? Sorry if i am

becky

[missque]

becky- its hard for me to think of it that way when i've been told by people on the 3 months mark to "get over and stop thinking of him like a boyfriend and remember him for the friend he was" or that "i didnt like jeremy much anyways so its no big loss for me; just means 1 less person at my wedding"or that "how can u just sit around and talk about him; you need to get over it" thats just a few of the 'nicer' ones... id say i understand where thy are comin from cuz we're young and most of them dont understand it- but with crap ive heard and listened to from them they dont deserve an excuses.

this has come from a wide variety of so called friends... i have ones who i cant even mention the word jeremy around cuz im scared of what they will start thinking... or theres ones who have said i cant talk to her anymore cuz all she wants to talk about i him. ive lost almost every single one of my friends; the only friends i really have now; the ones i can truly say are friends were jers friends. i only have 1 close friend up here with school (jer grew up here). its hard going from having a million friends to one that u hang out with... it just meant somrthing to me that she would ask me how i was doing with jer being gone like she genually cared none of my other 'friends' even mention his name around me.. i guess it just made me feel better to know that even though theres someone i dont see a lot and stuff she still cares about me where as the many people i thought were friends arnt.

i was talking to my mom about it the other night... and she said that when my dad died the same thing happened to her- she lost a lot of friends because they didnt wana sit around and listen to her talk about him and stuff.. i guess back then i never really realized why she wasnt friends with some people but with me going through it now i totally get it.... though i do try not to talk about how im feeling and i asked her not to bring it up; i know she hurts for me and what im going through because shes ben there and i dont want her too; shes my mom i know she'd take away all the pain and wishes she could but i dont wanna make her sad so i try not to say stuff to her...

i guess in all this ive just learned that people really suck and are gone when u need them most and the ones who really care are there when you need them... just kinda sucks cuz i know of all the people who have treated me like **** through all this if they ever called and needed something id be there in a minute... guess im just a carring person

[airymoon]

miss those first ones you mentioned are the ones that are out because no way will they ever get it and obviosly they didnt get you and jer.  I had one friend, he was the best man in our wedding, give me his email and i did email him a couple of times and he never emailed back. I saw his profile on a dating web site and i paid the fee to became a member just so i could go on and let him know exactly what i thought of him and his attitide. He did email me back and apologize and said he didnt answer because he just didnt know what to say to me and that he was an ass for that. of course i agreed with him and now we talk but i do not consider him a close friend any longer. i  do think if anybody had said those things to me that were said to you i would have unleashed all the anger i felt at kurts death and our loss on them and not hought twice about it. You definately dont need them in your life. Hang on to the good ones and as few as they seem now you will meet more people who will care, They may not know the whole history but they will care.  Like us here.

Becky