I Miss Him So...

[rodless]

Mishi, I so feel your pain and it's fine to scream it out here. We all understand. We've all been there. Even though some of us seem to have moved further away from it, believe me, we all know it. Nothing anyone says at this point will really help. It's something you have to do yourself although others can support you while you go through it. Keep posting and we'll try to help. MJ

[armaiti]

Mishi, it is still hard for me after 20 months...I just got back from our First Friday Artwalk, and I was enjoying myself until I ended up at the last gallery, where they had some band playing some jazz, it was real crowded...and I realized the last time I'd been there had been with Ishaq.  I accidently spilled my wine and he teased me.  We huddled up together among the crowds and listened to the music.  And here I was, alone.  It made me miss him so much.  Just one familiar thing can set me off...I've been having a hard time lately too - can't kick this chest cold and feel yucky and sad and depressed and I just want him back. 

In a couple of weeks we'll be having Ishaq's family get together.  It will be nice, yet bittersweet...I so wish he'd lived to see his first grandchild.  He was so looking forward to it.  I know he can see her, but it's not the same.  I'm just so lonely without him.

Anna

[rodless]

Hi Anna,

I know what you mean. I can go for awhile and be ok and then something triggers me off and it's like it's only been a few days or weeks instead of almost two years. I think the talk of this singles dance (we decided not to go) has really gotten to me. I don't want to be going to a singles dance. I want to dance with Rod. I don't want to be standing by his grave talking into air. I want to be touching him and looking at him. Somedays it's still so hard. And then there's others when I know I still have life to look forward to and feel pretty good. Always a roller coaster ride although the bumps and dips aren't quite so harsh anymore. Hope today will be better for you.

Mary Jo

[armaiti]

Thanks, Mary Jo, I 'm actually feeling a bit better today.  Even if it is cold, rainy, windy and nasty out.  I went to the GROWW forum last night and just signed on long enough to see if you were there...do you still go to that chat?

[missque]

im so confused and so unsure what to do right now... teachers college isnt looking so good right now so im looking into full time jobs and applying to the US for teachers college... but ive been applying for jobs for the past month and i haven't even gotten 1 interview... with my new car payments and stuff i need money/a job by May. if i move home i will be saving aprox. 1000.00 a month in just payments like rent grocerys etc. not to mention the extra money from a job.. however- i haven't lived at home in 5 years (my brother is 25 and still lives there). i dont keep in touch with friends from home so i dont really have any there.. all my friends are here in north bay (incluyding jers family and friends). there is a small chance i could be back here next year for teachers college but i can always find an apt or apply to residence (small chance Ill get in!) i know it sounds easy- just go home save the money figure out stuff i mean id be putting quite the savings into my bank account if i worked full time and lived at home. but its the thought of leaving north bay- it breaks my heart. I can't even think about it with crying... the second i move home and out of north bay its like im leaving everything behind my whole life inclyding jeremy. i met him here his family is here his friends *my friends* are here when i go home its just gonna be me. it so hard because i know the smartest thing right now is to go home but i cant even stomach the thought of leaving here. i know one day im gonna have to move but i just dont wanna leave jer. i dont know what to do. i mean i know i can always come back and visit friends but im gonna be so alone at home. feeling like i cant just cry my eyes out because someone might hear... or i cant just go out at night for a drive whem im sad and go to the beach and just look at the stars and be sad without ppl asking questions... doing my own thing when im upset and just laying around... and not being able to go to the accident and leave flowers. im angry at jer for even making me so torn between what to do. and frustrated because i dont know what to do.  i dont wanna leave him but right now jobs arnt coming to me up here.

[armaiti]

Miss, that is such a hard decision to make!  Even if you will save money, I know how hard it would be to be away from the place you and Jer were together.  I can't imagine moving from my little house here, where Ishaq and I first fell in love and lived together for so long.  

I'll keep sending positive energy and thoughts to you that a wonderful breakthrough comes to you to help you stay where you want to be!

Blessings,

Anna

[maamgrey]

Dear Missque,

You know they tell us not to make any major decisions like moving in the first year.  It makes sense that you would want to stay where you've been living.  I don't know how long you can afford to take, but that isn't long to have been looking.  Or maybe you take anything now - MacDonald's or Dunkin' Donuts - while you look for a real career job.  What job(s) have you done before?  Why is Teacher's College not good right now?  Is that your hope - to be a teacher?

Sue

 

[missque]

teachers college is what i want its what i've always wanted but i got denied from everyone except where im in right now- because thye have to wait for final marks.. i truly have tried like everyting even wal-mart... i only have enough money for part way through the month of May (which is also the 1 yr)

[angelmissing]

Missque,

I know you don't know me, but I will keep you in my prayers.. that somehow God will provide away to help you stay where you are if you want to stay. I hope you get in to teachers college, as I bet you will do great!

I don't know where you live or if where you live has such a program, but I know sometimes some colleges here has grant money that can assist people with housing,school finances,etc,, that you don't have to pay back if you qualify..( i know sometimes these programs are rare )

I wish you the best & know you are in my thoughts!

Angel

[missque]

yea we have lots problem is im not in school now so i dont qualify- and i didnt get into any programs and the odds of my final marks being good enough are very slim for the school im in right now as their teachers college is the best one in Ont and thus hardest to get into they usually get about 1500 applications for about 400ish spots

[stephysteph13]

HUGSSSSS!!!!!! Miss

[maamgrey]

Again I don't know your situation, but here in CT there's a second track of a way to become a teacher.  They give lots of credit for life experience and then a few courses to take.  Sometimes they'll pay for it.

Also can you do substitute teaching - are you qualified enough for them to be able to do that?

I'm sure you've tried everything; it's just that we all want to help you.

Sue

[missque]

supply teachers here have to be licenced teachers who've gone to teachers college.. im waiting for my info deom buffalo to get here so i can look more into it

[maamgrey]

Wow - here you have to have a college degree to sub and they have a hard time getting subs and the pay is pretty good.

Well, best of luck to you.  I really hope evrything works out for you.

Sue

[missque]

im not surpised that its different- our college and university's here are much different than the ones in the us - thanks ill need all the help i can get

[lindat]

Missy, when we lived in Mississippi, the substitute teachers were hired thru Kelly Services (a temp agency) and only needed a high school diploma.   They are only paid $45 a day though.  Have you ever done waitressing?  It pays great and they are usually always hiring.  

[aprilmoonflower]

In my town you don't need a college degree to sub. it really depends on your school system. though I know that doesn't help you up in ONT! I hope you come up with a solution! (((Melissa)))

 

How are you doing Linda?

[lindat]

I had a bad week, but doing better now.  Just signed up on eHarmony

[aprilmoonflower]

don't forget match.com  sorry you had a bad week. glad you are doing better!

[missque]

ive done waitressing before and have applied

[lindat]

I have been a waitress for more than 40 years - 23 years at Red Lobster.

[eventually]

aprilmoonflower, rodles, and Anna.  Thank you all for the kind words.  You are all so strong, and very helpful.  At the moment I'm doing okay.  I had a long cry at the cemetary.  I think that helped alot, very healing in a way.  I pary every day that this gets easier for us all.  I am so much in debt to everyone on this site.

Miss, I'm so sorry you are having a rough time I pray for you that things will get better.  My mom moved me out of my apt the day  B passed away. And I now live with them.  It's so sad I'm 28 living with my parents. That was the hardest decision I had too make.  B and I were in the middle of moving to a bigger apt and I couldn't afford the bigger place.  So it was the only choice I had.  The apt complex is right be the cemetary he's buried at.  So I drive by it everytime I go there. I sucks so bad. Gotta go back to work.

Peace to everyone,

Mishi  

[aprilmoonflower]

Mishi, no your wrong none of us are all that particularly strong. I mean I think we are all strong as we can be but no one here is superhuman. I think you WILL find strength as time goes on. you have already been through the worst part though. just remember that! it's normal to feel lost like you do. you will slowly find your way back into the living. some of us are proof here. the hurt won't ever go away but it does get a little easier to deal with as time goes on. soon you will find your bad days become less and less. and one day you may even wake up not feeling that intense lonlieness and dread. of course that brings it's own sets of emotions too. grief is exhausting. take care of yourself. you will get through it.

[missyouhoney811]

You really never get 100% strong.  This Friday will be 20 months for my John.  A day does not go by without me talking to him.  I still say my same chanting prayer before going to sleep.  I also still cover over with his comforter.  In the morning when my eyes open I say good morning, I love you and miss you so very much............and help me to please get through the day with my spirits high. Somehow this is the way I have been living my life.  I also exercise 6 days a week.  I want to be strong, healthy and live this life that I have to the best of my ability.  I also want to be happy and I do enjoy laughing.  Sometimes I hear John's laughter in the background with me. As we all know all to well life goes on whether we want it to or not.

Blessings,

Dorothy

[samrtb]

Hi all......haven't posted here in forever!  I must say, I like the changes, being able to select fonts and emoticons haha.  i am a huge fan of the emoticon

 

anyways, i just wanted to pop in and see how everyone is doing.  sad to see more people have joined, but happy that they have turned here for help.

 

 

hope everyone is doing well.

 

 

 

ps anna i love that you love manolos :-)

[armaiti]

Dorothy, I will keep you in my prayers on Friday.  We are so close in our dates!

Today I started exercising again myself - using my Tae Bo DVD, which I actually really love - getting out a lot of frustration with all those punches and kicks!  Now I'm reorganizing my living room and bookshelves...putting things in boxes I want to pass on to Ishaq's kids.   I'm still coughing a lot but I'm getting better...have a gig with the band on Sunday for the Middle East Peace Festival, so I hope I can sing by then!

I don't feel either that I'm particularly strong...I just try to find ways to keep going...

I found an old Bible of Ishaq's, that his dad had given him.  And his dad had written this in the front, years and years ago.  Funny how you find things like this...part of what I feel is my work is to keep Ishaq's teachings, music and memory alive.  This is a poem by Mary Ann Hall:

Turn again to Life

If I should die and leave you here a while,

Be not like others, sore undone, who keep

Long vigil by the silent dust and weep.

For my sake turn again to life and smile,

Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do

That which will comfort other souls than thine;

Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine,

And I, perchance, may therein comfort you.

[maamgrey]

Isn't it amazing that you found that poem now when it was written long ago?  Makes you think that maybe that was written for you to find all these years later.  It's a lovely poem - I copied it into my collection.

Thank you.

Sue

[rodless]

I don't feel very strong either. Today is Rod's birthday and month marker 21 for me. It went better than last year but still some weepy moments. Took the day off from work and used some expensive gas driving around the countryside looking at favorite places. We used to love to go for rides. One of the best was when Rod stopped the car suddenly, got out, picked a flower from the roadside and gave it to me with a big grin. I miss that man!

[rodless]

Anna, thanks for posting the poem. We all need to listen to its message. MJ

[missque]

Mishi  - when jeremy died we had been living together for only a month or so i decided to move outa that place becasue i knew it wuld be too hard- so im in my own place now and possibly moving home...

[missyouhoney811]

MJ, it is so easy to recall all of the little things they did for us.  All the flash backs just make me miss my John so very much.  As I mentioned many times before even tho he was ill the last 9-10 years before he died I would give anything to have that life back. My schedule was long and hard but just hearing his voice and seeing his sexy smile on his face made everything worth while. 

Anna, thank you.  I also love the poem.  It has such great meaning.

I took my easter tablecloth off yesterday.  I looked everywhere for my placemats and could not find them.  When I got my mail yesterday I received a catalog from Williams-Sonoma.  In the catalog I found a Butterfly Wreath for my door and a Butterfly tablecloth.  As we all know I LOVE BUTTERFLIES................so I put my order in.  I think they are a bit high in price but I ordered anyway.  That is the first time I ever received a catalog from them. John probably put me on the mailing list.....

I get weighed in at 1:00 PM today.  The scale continues to go down.  I enjoy the food with Jenny Craig and I love ZUMBA.  We worked very hard in class last night.....new steps and moves.....it seems the beat of the music is picking up and we are moving faster (if that is possible). I go in tired and come out with such a  high energy level.  It makes me feel good and proud at the same time.

I hope you all have a good day.  The weather in Pittsburgh is simply beautiful.  The sun is already bright.  I am so happy the nasty weather is gone. 

Prayers and Blessings,

Dorothy

 

[eventually]

It's raining in Kansas. One of those days you want to cuddle in with the sweetie......*BIG SIGH*

MJ- I was thinking about you yesterday*HUGS*

Anna- The poem was beautiful.  Thank you so much for sharing it.

Miss- I didn't know you had moved. I know how hard it is.   The plus side is saving money but it would be so hard to move away for everyone. I only live about 30 miles away from our friends and family. I don't know how far you would be from them?  I'm thinking of you. I wish i could be more helpful...

I got so frantic and upset the other evening.  I couldn't find my puppy sassy, I thought someone had taken her cause she loves it outside and we had the door open to the fenced in back yard.  My parents and had a search party going on.  Dad drove around town and me and started walking.  I went back in the house yelling for her. I was in tears.  I heard a thumping in the kitchen behind the dish washer.  We have the one you have to move it to the sink and hook up. Apparently she got behind it when mom was moving it back and got stuck.  I told her to bark when that happens you bark any other time.  She just wagged her tail and licked my tears.  Don't know what I'd do without her.  I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

-Mishi

[missque]

Mishi- because im a student we were living together with 2 other ppl- so i knew i couldnt bear watching someone else moving into his room thats why i left.... if i moved home id be about 4 hrs away

[maamgrey]

Mishi,

I'm so glad Sassy is okay.  I know how terrifying that is.  One time, years ago, I taught school and when I came home I couldn't find Callie anywhere.  The cleaning lady had been there that day and all I could think was that she must have accidentally let Callie out and she was running around the streets somewhere.  I searched everywhere all over the house, under the beds, all the closets, basement, everywhere.  And she's the kind of dog who wouldn't bark.  I finally checked the big walk-in closet again and she was there but behind a whole rack of clothes that hung down low.  I wanted to hug and kiss her and scream at the same time.

Glad she's back.

Sue

 

[lindat]

I am watching an amazing program on TV.  He has been on Oprah and has terminal pancreatic cancer - it is a really wonderful show.

Primetime: The Last Lecture: A Love Story for Your Life (on ABC)

[maamgrey]

Oh I'm just watching that too!

Sue

 

[lindat]

I was good until the football segment and then crying like a baby.  I had a big aha moment during the beginning of the show where he said that your critics are the one that love and care for you the most.  I have a critic that I may have been judging wrongly - I will now try and be grateful

[maamgrey]

Cried from there right through the end.  Now have to go buy the book.  Bet we'll both cry our eyes out when we hear the news of his death.

Sue

[lindat]

Of course, but it would be so much better to celebrate his life - because he lived it right up to the last.  I hope that I can someday be so brave. 

[rodless]

I watched it too. What a powerful message. And I am so often an eyore instead of a tigger. I think that was the part that hit me the hardest.

[maamgrey]

I wish I could be like him, but I don't have that energy within me right now.  Inspiring but I can't get there - maybe someday.  Do you guys feel like his message can help you now?

Sue

[missque]

i wanted to watch it but i've been studying for finals so i need background noise on the tv- ie- shows i wont get that into lol

[crazylady]

Hi Susan.

I'm new to this site, i lost my husband on New Years eve and am so devastated.

I read your message tonight and feel for you so much.

When Christmas comes around again i'm not sure how i or my family will be, Neil always made everything so special for us.

We as a family have always thought of the Christmas period as a wonderful time and although Neil was very sick last year, he tried so hard to keep our spirits up and i know that, that was very difficult for him feeling as he did.

I hope you and your family can overcome this difficult time, and be close next Christmas.

People try to do what they think is the right thing, but unfortunately they often get it wrong.

I have a very close knit family and i often find that they are trying to arrange my life for me and sometimes find it hard to understand that i dont want that,  lots of times i just want to be alone and i feel safe in my own home.

To me that is where i feel closest to Neil, and at this stage i feel quite vulnerable and so being at home is my haven.

I do go out sometimes, i have booked a holiday with my two sisters, not sure yet whether i'm ready for that,  but it is booked so i will be going.

Life seems very empty and lonely right now, but reading notes from people like yourselves going through the same thing, is comforting in a way.

Regards

Lynn

 

 

[maamgrey]

Dear Lynn,

I have a very close family too and they sometimes try to get me to do stuff, but mostly they're pretty good about respecting my wishes.  I feel exactly the same way you do about being at home.

I have 2 sisters too.  I'm the oldest - where do you fit in?  Where are you going on vacation?

Sue

[eventually]

B's brother just went to the er for chest pains he's only 25.  I'm freaking out.  B died of an enlarged heart and it's possibly hereditary.  This can't happen to two people in my life.  He's my brother.  I'm sitting in a room with 30  people and I'm alone.  I keep thinking back to when B died and worrying about his brother.  I know it's probably stress and stuff, cause I get chest pains all the time.  But I can't imagine how the family and I will handle it if D dies also.  To make it worse the room he's in at the ER is the same room B was in when he passed.  OH......GOD. 

[maamgrey]

I'm so sorry.  Just hang in there and think positively and pray.  Hopefully it will just be nothing.  No this can't happen again.  It's too hard to try to survive one.  The good thing is he went to the ER.  he didn't wait around or dismiss it as nothing.  I'm sorry you're siting there - is anyone with you?  Is there anyone you can call?

Please let us know.

Sue

Thinking of, and praying for, all of you.

[airymoon]

eventually

i dont know if you will get this tonight, but ask if he can be movedto a different room being in that room cannot be helping his stress level and if you (or someone) explains the situation im sure they will move him if they can. God i feel for you i cant even go into the hospital that Kurt was at without feeling panicky and that was almost 2 years ago

[aprilmoonflower]

eventually- I'm so sorry you are going through this. how traumatic for you. I hope everything turns out ok. let us know.

[armaiti]

Eventually, I'm keeping you in my heart and prayers.  Know that even if you are there alone physically, we are all with you in spirit.

Blessings,

Anna

[crazylady]

Hi Sue,

I am the middle sister.

I have two children and a dog.

My Daughter lives nearly 300 miles away from me, but i see her and her family mostly once a month when i travel to her home.

I have a little grandson who turned 0ne in January, he i think is my savior. Whenever i see him i have to smile because he is such a character.

Neil was so proud when he was born, and i'm so grateful that he had chance to see him.

I am travelling to see them all this weekend, and i know that while i'm there, i will feel a little better.

My Son lives close to me and often pops round to check i'm ok.

Some days are not too bad but others, everything seems to get on top of me and i just feel like staying in bed because i feel as though i just can't face anyone.

I feel as though half of me is missing and wonder if i will ever feel whole again.

Neil was such a big part of my life and i just want him back.

I go to his grave every couple of weeks have a chat with him, i need to decide on his headstone but i can't just yet because i feel as though that will make it more final and i am not ready for that yet.

I am going on holiday with my sisters as i said, in some respects i am dreading it but it might be ok. We are going to Lanzarote because it will be hot and my sisters think the sun will be good for me.

I think i will struggle when i see other people enjoying themselves, but she might be right, the sun might brighten me up.

Thankyou for replying to me Sue.

Lynn