Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[messenger]

DEAR JINXED.........I AM SO VERY SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR LOSS.....YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.........THERE ARE SO MANY ON HERE WHO WILL BE HAPPY TO HELP YOU~ WHAT A SHAME YOU NEVER GOT A CHANCE TO KNOW YOUR MOM AND NOW HAVE LOST YOUR FATHER...I KNOW HOW DEVASTATING CANCER IS........LOSING MY 27 YEAR OLD SON TO IT AFTER A 6 YEAR BATTLE..JUNE 16 OF 05....I FEEL FOR YOU....FINDING A CHURCH I THINK IS A VERY GOOD IDEA...........THAT IS WHAT IS GETTING US THRU OUR LOSS...PUT ALL YOUR FEARS INTO GODS HANDS AND HE WILL CARRY YOU ...DEAR ONE.FIND ONE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH..I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND PEACE THERE...ALSO THE PEOPLE THERE ARE SUCH A GREAT COMFORT..THEY TOO WILL HELP YOU...I SUGGEST YOU MAKE YOURSELF A GOD BAG...WRITE DOWN YOUR FEARS AND PROBLEMS AND DROP THEM INTO THE BAG AND LET GOD HELP YOU THRU ALL YOU ARE GOING THRU..

THE LOSS OF A PARENT IS VERY TRAMATIC...I TOO HAVE LOST BOTH AND IT IS LIKE A MAJOR CORD OF YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN CUT.......YOU FEEL ALL ALONE...............BUT YOU ARE NOT JINXED..................WRITE US AT ANYTIME...CHECK OUT THE I BELIEVE IN GOD SIGHT..SO MANY GREAT PEOPLE ON THERE..FILLED WITH LOVE AND COMPASSION..

I PRAY YOU WILL FIND PEACE

MESSENGER

[messenger]

EDMUND,,,,,,,,,,,,I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MOTHER........YOU ARE NOT ALONE............SHE IS STILL WITH YOU......I BELIEVE THAT WITH ALL MY HEART...I TALK TO MY SON I LOST ALL THE TIME...I KEEP PICTURES OUT IN THE OPEN WHERE I SEE HIS SMILING FACE..I DONT WANT TO FORGET HIM AND I WILL NOT SHUT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE...........

IT HAS ONLY BEEN A MONTH AND YOU WILL...........SHED MANY TEARS FOR A VERY LONG TIME EDMUND...HANG ON TO YOUR MEMORIES...SHE WILL COME IN YOUR DREAMS AND LEAVE SIGNS FOR YOU...LETTING YOU KNOW ...SHE IS STILL WITH YOU....DONT BE AFRAID...THE HOLIDAYS ARE ROUGH FOR US ALL...............I WONT SAY THEY WONT BE...TRY TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR SOMEONE ELSE DURING THEN AND IT WILL HELP YOU LESSEN YOUR SADNESS DURING THE HOLIDAYS...MAYBE FINDING A CHURCH WILL HELP YOU TOO..IT IS YOUR DECISION............WE HAVE FOUND GREAT PEACE THERE..

YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS AS ALL ON BEYOND INDIGO ARE DAILY..

GOD BLESS YOU EDMUND

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

I lost my mom August 13, 2006, to Lymphoma and meningitis, she would have been 61 October 30 this year. Im just now starting to really feel the loss, as my parents 40 year anniversary occurs, and my birthday. I lost my dad 5 years ago to a brain tumor, he was 55, and then my mom. I feel so empty, and lost without both my parents. I am already on depressants which I started last year, after my mom met another man, which I guess didnt set well with me. The doctor says these pills may have been what helped me mourn, but I miss her, so much, and I am so angry at god for taking my parents away, espcially my mother. I know I shouldnt be mad at GOD but I hope he is helping my mom keep a watchful eye on me. I have had some coincidences happen since she died.

I just wanted to find a place to talk. I dont think I was prepared to lose my mom even though we knew she could go soon, and she went fast. She got sick in march of this year, and then died in august. At least I had no unresolved issues with either parent. I really need some advice. I do get up, get dressed every day, but then I remember something or think of something, and I just break down.

Talk to you all soon, thanks for listening.

Deb

[misled05]

My mom died February 11, 2006 from a pulmonary embolism -she was bedridden for 9 months before that- she suffered from rheumetoid arthritis (the worst kind of arthritis to have- it attacks your immune system) she was 68 years young. I come from a family of 5 children I am 41. Pulmonary embolism for those of you that do not know is a blood clot- they are common among bedridden people. She was rushed to the hospital and died within less than 2 hours of being there. Even though she was very sick, it was very shocking and sudden to us. My parents were married 42 years and my father was devastated. For the next year we struggled to go on with our everyday lives- very very hard to do when you are close with your parents. The this year in Feb after the year anniversary of my moms death, my father started to not look good to us. My father was the type of man that wouldn't tell you if anything was wrong. He started to lose weight and had loss of appetite. He was stubborn also, would never go to a doctor. He didnt want to go. I finally called the doctor to the house when he started to become weak and had trouble walking, still telling us he was ok. The doctor took blood and we find out that he had Prostate Cancer. He went into the hospital and died 6 1/2 weeks later. We come to find out that he had to have this cancer for over 2 years without any symptoms, the symptoms just came out before he went into the hospital and by then it was too late, he was terminal. 6 weeks in the hospital was HELL. However, sadly, we did get to bring him home the last 5 days of his life, however his body was already shut down and he wasnt talking, just basically sleeping. Hospice Care helped us (they are amazing people) My fathers wish was to die at home in his bed. He knew he was home in his room. People who are terminal, cannot eat-so to the girl on this board that feels guilty that she didnt push her father to eat- he probably COULDN"T eat even if you tried to force him-there is no appetite anymore. To watch your parent die and have no control is frightening, but Hospice taught us many things and shock I guess takes over your body and you just do things naturally. We talked to Dad as if he were going to answer us and we sat for those 5 days he was home-with him 24.7 never leaving his side and just talked to him. This last year and a half, losing both my parents has been the most devastating experience of my life so far. I cannot put into words the feeling, emotions, guilt, anger, sorrow, hurt all rolled into one tight ball in your heart. You feel like a caged animal trapped in that cage with no way out ever, because you have no control over the situation that has just occurred within your family. If you are close with your parents and family then you know what I am talking about. We just started to come to terms with my mom not being around anymore and then we lose our father. The house is so empty now. Dad used to keep the TV on 24.7, never turned it off, he was retired and TV was his hobby, when mom passed he just sat and watched TV, we tried to get him to go places but he always said, I dont want to go anywhere without mom. We respected his wishes. I was very attached to my parents, even though I am 41 I still fell like I need my parents here for guidance. I am married but I dont feel protected by my husband as I did with Dad. I cannot really put into words what I feel, shock, numb, empty, lost. I feel like life will never be the same again, holidays will never be the same. I am angry at everything. I have good days and bad days, I only cry when I am alone by myself. I miss them both terribly. I do have my 4 brothers and sisters for comfort and I am glad we are all close and are there for each other.

[misled05]

I didn't mention that Dad was 67 years young, just 3 months short of his 68th birthday, he died August 27, 2006. Yesterday was 30 days that he is gone. It seems like forever but it also seems like just yesterday also that I was able to talk to him. There are many things I didnt get to say or tell my mom and dad but I do talk to them every day when I am alone in my car driving to work. Sometimes it gives me comfort to do that,sometimes it confuses me and frustrates me that I can no longer just pick up the phone and talk to them. My sisters and brothers, we talk to each other everyday, sometimes we go over and over everything that happened, sometimes we dont say anything at all but we are just there together. It is also very hard to explain your feeling to someone who has never gone through something like this, what I just talked about in my previous post, there are many people who are not close to their parents or family, however each person grieves differently, there is no time limit on grief, some grieve, days, weeks, months, years, differently, many people do not understand this. It is hard to explain because emotions and feelings are so mixed and jumbled.

[Guest Guest]

My name is Heather. I am 31 years old (32 on Halloween).

I lost my father sometime between the dates of June 20th and June 27th of 2006. His body was found June 28th at 12:05AM. He died alone in Manhattan NY. I miss him something horrible. He was 57 and turning his life around.

I won't go into details on our life story. That's not important. I miss my father.

[paulagford]

To GUEST who has lost her mom at age 27. I know your story all too well. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I turned 30. I lost both my mom and my dad within 11 months of each other. We buried daddy and mom was diagnosed with a rare form of tongue and jaw cancer a WEEK later. It was devastating to say the least. I had a 3 children at the time, the youngest was born 4 months before my dad died. My mothers cancer wasn't as severe as the surgery was, she took almost 10 months to "sort of recover" from that and radiation treatments, then she passed the following month. Losing Both in such a short period after giving birth was horrible. It took months. When you feel like crying, CRY,I remember picking up the phone to call her months later, then going..."oh". Keep playing the good times in your head! My brother recently shared a wonderful story with me, because I just lost my son, he was killed a year ago in a tragic accident; my brother was with mom when she died, he said she suddenly yelled out (she wasn't talking much or sleeping for 3 days)..she yelled out this:"I SEE LIGHT, I SEE DADDY" and she died that instant. That tells me WE WILL see them again too. Keep that thought in your head, if I didn't believe that I would see them or my son who I am grieving so badly for right now I would end it right here, right now. I wish you peace and blueskies!

TO the other GUEST: who is in a dark place after losing her mom and glad that she died, I don't know how to respond to you. I can't probably understand your need to feel the hatred, and maybe that is going to help you cope, if she was evil she will no longer hurt you. You can move on... I too wish you peace!and blueskies

Ronsmom & Everyone Else who has lost loved ones...

I agree with Ronsmom, we will see them again. My mother talked to my father the whole last week she was alive. My sisters told me when I got there she was talking out of her head and wasn't herself. I walked up to her and said "Hi Mom" and she called me by name... which told me, she knew what she was doing. I set and listened to her and one of my sisters said see... she is not in her right mind, she is talking crazy. I just set there and listened. She was in her right mind, she was talking to my dad, telling him she wasn't quite ready to go home yet, to give her some more time she didn't want to hurt anyones feelings. After I had been with her for 2 days listening to this I told her, "Mom you can do whatever you want to do and no one is going to be upset with you." "We love you and want you to be happy and well again, so you do what you have to do to feel well again." The next morning I was sitting there and she called my name, I took her hand and said I am right here mom, what do you need. She just looked at me, I told her "Mom I love you, do what you have to do." She reach to the sky and said take me, I am tired and ready to go home, within minutes she was gone. She knew where she was going, my father was there to guide her home, she took his hand and he showed her the way home, to be well and happy again. No more suffering and pain for her ever again. So yes we will see them again, we just have to be strong and talk to them daily and keep them in our hearts and someday we will sit down with them and have an old fashioned family reunion. What a day it will be!!!! I miss her everyday, but I do talk to her, I even ask God to give her hugs for me from time to time and in my heart I know he does. Someday I will be able to hug her again myself, until then I will have to depend on God to do that for me.

[Edmund]

Thanks Messenger; I will pray also for you & your wonderful son & for the rest.My Mom was 87yo, a wonderful Irish lady, a living saint who had always a smile thru thick & thin. Just when you think you're fine, the crying jag comes. I am sorry that he was taken from you so early. Well, I have no computer, just sneaking on net @ work. God Bless & keep you all! Ed

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone. I've never joined a chat group but I feel like my friends are completly tired of my grief. I'm 38 and a year & 1/2 ago I found my father floating face down in a lake in the middle of the night. My mother had called the sheriff because she couldn't find him after waking in the middle of the night (he had been delusional, I found out later) and a friend with a scanner had called a friend who called me to tell me of her call. I live right down the road with my husband and kids so I rushed to the house. My folks had lived on a lake for years. I asked for a flashlight and in, what seemed like 10 seconds, I found him. I'm torchered now by what he went through. At first I was strong. I didn't cry a tear at the services. The next 10 or 12 months months I went through the motions. I finally sought help but now my friendships from before are crumbling. I feel like people are ready for me to move on...that I should have moved on months ago and I need to get back to normal. I'm angry (I know, final stage of grief) but I'm tired of trying to be who I used to be. No one really wants to talk about how I feel. My mother has been very demanding (no fault of hers). I think I'm on the road to recovery but I'm not sure what that implies. Any advice would be appreciated.

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST,,,,,,,,...I DID WELL FOR A LONG TIME TOO ..BUT AM FEELING EFFECTS NOW AFTER 15 MONTHS OF LOSING MY SON..........YOU WERE PROBABLY IN SHOCK AND IT JUST HAS TAKEN A WHILE TO SOAK IN...PEOPLE ARE SO INSENSITIVE.........JUST BECAUSE THEY HAVE NOT BEEN THRU A LOSS LIKE YOURS THEY THINK YOU NEED TO MOVE ON.............LETS PRAY SOMETHING LIKE THIS DOESNT HAPPEN TO THEM!!!!!!!!! I AM SURE THEIR FEELINGS WILL BE MUCH DIFFERENT!!

TAKE YOUR TIME IN GRIEVING..DONT LET OTHERS TELL YOU WHEN YOU NEED TO GET OVER IT SO TO SPEAK............YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER THE LOSS OF YOUR FATHER!!!!!!!! BUT YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE LOSS BETTER WHEN YOU..MY FRIEND ARE READY!!!

STAY WITH US AND WE WILL HELP YOU...MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

Hi,

I have never thought about posting on a board like this. I have been dealing with the loss of both my parents in my own way. My biological father died many years ago, my stepdad died in December, and my mother recently died in the summer. For my mom, it was a shock, it was a very untimely death. I still have questions surrounding her death, but I don\'t have any family to talk to about it, and my only sibling I have is cold, hostile and estranged from me.I burry myself in books, college, and just deal with it the best way I can. I have tried counseling, but there are few clinics here, and the ones they have here do not help, nor focus on Grief counseling,no one is trained in this field. I have my moments of grief, and then the nightmares everynight. In my dreams I see my mother either alive or in the coffin. I am an adult college student and wanted so much for her to see my graduation, but that won't be possible now. My mother and I were never very close, but we were starting to get closer. I don't know really what to say on this board, it's my first time here and posting.Maybe I'll talk more next time I post, just needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

[different]

Thank you messenger. I'm the guest you replied to last night (I signed up.) I can't imagine losing a child. I always expected that my parents would go before me, especially Dad but, as a parent, I can't begin to know what you've gone through. I will stay with this chat room. Already I feel like I have some understanding. I've been seeing a therapist but, in the end, you pay that person so how do you know. It's been helpful, don't get me wrong but, at times, awkward. I'm the first of all my friends to lose a parent so, I guess, I understand their "not understanding". I don't blame them but grief is isolating and not just the grief but the "knowing" that you are not the same person. I guess it's the grief, also, of losing who YOU were before. I believe you can become better and grow. I've been getting outside, playing tennis and riding my bike. These things definitely help. It's only late at night or early in the morning that I just get too far inside myself and I think, "I can't do this without help." So, thank you. I'll keep corresponding.

[Edmund]

A very painful hole in the heart that seems like it will never heal. The world can seem like a dream and you are all alone. Just one more day w/ them you would like to ask for. I'm w/out Mom since 8/22?06 & it in some ways gets harder w/ time because it's all the longer you haven't talked w/ them. You miss them like crazy & then you feel crazy. Now my kittycat (skunky) is in end stage kidney failure & she's all I have in some ways. I thought I was doing ok but some days I want to go be with Mom. Will the crying/grief attacks ever stop? Let us all pray for each other -God Bless you all! Ed

[different]

Edmond, You are breaking my heart. I'm so sorry you lost your Mom and I'm so sorry your pet is ill. I have two cats and I love them. Their names are "kitty" and "Jinxy". You are not crazy. Maybe we are all supposed to find each other. Your mom would not want you to suffer or to join her. Inherent in our desire to feel less pain is perhaps our desire, our need, to be comforted and, because of our losses, to comfort. Please respond.

[messenger]

EDMUND,,,,,,,,THE HOLE IN YOUR HEART WILL NEVER HEAL.,,BUT IT WILL SHRINK CONSIDERBLY.I AGREE THE LONGER WE ARE WITHOUT THEM THE MORE IT HURTS.........YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!!!!! JUST GRIEVING EDMUND...I HATE TO HEAR YOUR CAT IS NOT DOING WELL.....I GIVE MY CATS CORNSILK FOR URINARY PROBLEMS...THERE IS A COMPANY CALLED PURE HERBS..IT IS A LIQUID....CORNSILK COMBINATION........IS THERE ANY THING THE VET CAN DO.??..I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU...YOUR MOM IS STILL WITH YOU EDMUND................HAS SHE GIVEN YOU ANY SIGNS..OR IS SHE IN ANY OF YOUR DREAMS???..THAT HELPS SO MUCH..TOOK MY SON A LONG TIME TO COME IN MY DREAMS...15 MONTHS..............I PRAYED EVERYDAY AND FINALLY IT HAPPENED........IT WAS SO COMFORTING.............I NEVER WANTED IT TO END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HE WAS THERE AND I COULD FEEL HIM..I RAISED BACK BECAUSE I WAS CRYING SO HARD AND WHEN I DID.......HE DISAPPEARED.

I PRAY YOUR MOM WILL LET YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND SHE IS STILL WITH YOU...

MESSENGER

[messenger]

DEAR DIFFERENT......YOUR MOM WILL SEE YOUR GRADUATION.............SHE IS STILL WITH YOU...LOSING SOMEONE YOU LOVE CHANGES US ALL AND WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN AND OUR EYES ARE OPENED TO WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT NOW.........AND IT IS NOT MONEY..OR FAME...............BUT SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH THOSE WE LOVE AND HELPING THOSE IN NEED......WHEN YOU ARE DOWN.......TRY HELPING SOMEONE......DO SOMETHING NICE UNEXPECTEDLY AND WATCH IT BRING A SMILE TO THEIR FACE!! IT WILL HELP THEM AND YOU..

I AM GLAD TO HEAR YOU ARE GETTING OUT AND PLAYING TENNIS AND RIDING YOUR BIKE..AT LEAST YOU ARE NOT STAYING SECLUDED...THAT IS GOOD.

THE PEOPLE HERE ARE ANGELS..THEY WILL HELP YOU..ANYTIME YOU NEED TO TALK GET ON HERE AND WE WILL HELP YOU THRU A BAD DAY...............

DOES YOUR MOM TALK TO YOU?? IS SHE OK..HAPPY...OR WHAT??JUST WONDERING WHAT KIND OF DREAMS YOU ARE HAVING OF HER...

I THINK YOU WILL.............BECOME A BETTER PERSON FROM THIS............THE WAY YOU SEE THINGS ARE DIFFERNT NOW..........FOR THE BETTER

GOD BLESS YOU AND I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS....................MESSENGER

[different]

Messenger, You are so kind. I'm the one who lost my dad. You have me confused with the young person who lost their mom. I can't imagine feeling so alone as Edmond does...too young to be going through so much. I have a support system and I very much appreciate finding this one too. I hope Edmond comes back (to chat). You're right. Trying to help others is healing. I hope that doesn't sound (or read rather) selfish. I've had a few dreams too. The most healing one was one in which I was in an outdoor arena and an older man, a teacher, asked me a question. In the dream I was thinking, "What did he just ask me? I wasn't listening." Just then the answer came to me without knowing the question and I answered, "For Love." Then the question came to me. I woke up and immediately wrote down the question and I carry it with me always. The question was, "Where doth thou lay thy worldly goods on the beaches of home?" I think in, some way they (who we have lost) or God speaks to us and comforts us in our sleep. I'm sure your son did. God bless you and comfort you too. Thank you for your kindness and support.

[different]

Messenger, Change that quote. Not "where" but "why". "Why dost thou..." big difference. One more thing to re-affirm you of your dreams significance. My mother had a dream that she was in an auditorium. A man, also a teacher figure, came to her and said, "Your husband is doing well, he has passed 3 of the 5 tests." Then he made a hand signal to her that comforted her but she had no idea what it meant. When she explained it to me, I enquired. It was the sign language symbol for love. I don't want this to sound like we are nuts! But these dreams are as real to us as everyday experiences. Of course, try to explain these experiences to anyone else and, yes, they think you're crazy. Maybe it's just your brain trying to work things out but, wow, it sure feels different than your average ordinary sleep experience. Bottom line is, it's comforting and I'm grateful for that!

[angels4me]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this board, but I'm not new to grief. The Fall is approaching fast, and with the Fall comes the anniversary of all my losses. I've learned to deal with the pain and sorrow of not having my loved ones with me, but as each anniversary approaches, I find myself hurting more and more. Alot of times I wished that I could just hibernate through the Fall & Winter but I know that's not possible, so I learn to deal with the pain.

I was wondering how other here deal with the anniversary of losing their loved ones. In the past my siblings and I make sure we place fresh flowers in everyones vase at the cemetary, and I like to place more decorations around the memorial bush that I planted for my son, but each year it just seems like it isn't enough.

Please share with me some of your ideas, and in return I hope I can help some of you too. I know dealing with loss isn't easy for any of us, but helping each other during the difficult times can make life more bearable.

Thanks so much for letting me share,

Peggy.

In Loving Memory of

My Angel Alex 10-24-84

My Mom 11-12-99

My Niece 12-4-00

My Dad 02-28-01

Gone but never forgotten

[messenger]

DEAR DIFFERENT............YOU ARE NOT THE ONE THAT POSTED ON OCT..4 AT 11:36 PM??? SORRY..THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU..EASY TO GET CONFUSED SO MANY ON HERE AND SO MANY HURTING...........ALL DIFFERENT CIRCUMSTANCES AND SO SAD.............YOUR MOTHERS DREAM IS AWESOME...YOUR FATHER WAS LETTING HER KNOW ................HE IS ..OK!! AND SENDING HER HIS LOVE..THEY ARE VERY REALISTIC AT TIMES AND YOU JUST HAVE TO WONDER..............ARE THEY DREAMS?

YOU TAKE CARE..............KEEP IN TOUCH AND KNOW THERE ARE MANY HERE PRAYING FOR YOU!!

MESSENGER

[Edmund]

thanks everyone, skunky is a Christian Scientist cat & she's doing better t.g.

I pulled something lifting a patient the other nite so i have some pain-hope it's just a passing thing. i have had some signs i guess, like after her funeral we went to crystal lake & saw a lady w/ monarch butterflies in a cage, & Mom had on her butterfly outfit on (purple fleece w/ white butterflies) for the wake/funeral, etc. also a few others i won't go into now as i'm @ work...so i have to get moving (no pc @ home) thanks again i'm just feeling lonely & melancholy lately w/ the leaves changing & falling. God bless & keep you all, I'll try to cheer up a bit! Ed p.s. pray for each other...

[different]

Hey Edmond, Are you a CNA, LPN, or RN? What noble callings. My brother is a CNA. It must be hard for you though. Being so close to people who are near death. Fall and Winter are such hard times because, in part they feel so reflective. Fall is still my favorite time of the year. I see hope in the changes. Chin up buddy. I'm curious. What is a Christian Scientist? I've read about celebs who espouse that faith. I just don't know what the hook is. Is it nature based? My parents were young adults in the 60's and 70's. We didn't go to church as a family but I went to several different churches throughout my life trying to find a "fit." I admire the beauty of the Catholic religion but don't understand much of it. I guess I'm Methodist but not practicing. I read a great deal on the subject of religious history and I pray, privately and quietly. I'm curious as to why you would want us to know the faith of you cat? Is there something you are trying to tell us? If you have some opinions about these matters, I would love to hear them, really. AND I love the image of a monarch butterfly after a funeral and the connection to your mom. Wow. Plus, purple is a color you should never overlook. I love the lines in the movie "A color Purple" when Celie and Shug are walking through the field of purple flowers and Shug says, "You know, I think it pi^%$#@ God off when you walk through a field of purple flowers and you don't notice them." Celie says, "You mean they just wanna be loved like everything else." Then Shug says, "Yeah, we sing and we dance just 'cause we wanna be loved." Now it's been a while since I've seen that movie and I'm not sure I'm quoting it exactly but, you know, we all just want to be loved. God bless and take care!

[Edmund]

hiyall, i'm an lpn; try to help people within reason, prayer & love as well as the medical. i joke that my kitty is a Christian Scientist because she hates the vet & will no longer go. Christian Scientists believe that medicine is mostly error & that prayer is the most important healer; which has a lot of validity regardless of your spiritual stripe! ed

[different]

Edmond- You are very funny! If you ever get another stubborn cat you could name it Tom! One of the things my family is doing, btw, as the holidays approach is to modify our holiday celebrations. For example, we are celebrating Thanksgiving a few weeks early so everyone can fly in from their respective homes. Mom's not cooking, I'm am, although I totally gave her the choice. You know before you lose someone very close, you can overlook the significance of the holiday gatherings. After...well, I think they can be very spiritual no matter who you spend them with. Friends become family too. Oh, a great movie if you haven't see it, "The Family Stone." Addresses this very subject and is a really great comedy. Take Care.

[Edmund]

it will be a lonely holiday season, i think. i may end up working-mom was everything to me & i can't seem to let go. i have good & bad days; may go out to movie "the departed" tonite cuz it's based in my hometown. hope folks are doing well & please everyone pray for each other that we may one day find joy again...ed

[messenger]

EDMUND..........WE WILL ALL FIND JOY AGAIN...............IT WILL TAKE TIME.......BUT THERE WILL BE A DAY.........WHEN IT WILL GET EASIER AND WE WILL BE ABLE TO SMILE AGAIN..PLEASE KNOW YOU AND ALL ON BEYOND INDIGO ARE IN MY PRAYERS..................GOD BLESS

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

Hello... I am trying to learn how to post on this message board... do I click on "quote" I do not see somewhere to post message.... thanks

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST,,,,,,TO POST MESSAGE..TO REPLY.......IN UPPPER RIGHT CORNER THERE WILL BE A BOX THAT SAYS REPLY TO DISCUSSION..CLICK ON THAT IF YOU WANT TO REPLY AND IF YOU WANT TO POST..WHEN DONE..BOTTOM LEFT YOU WILL SEE POST NOW..CLICK ON THAT..YOU MUST HAVE DONE IT RIGHT..........YOU GOT THIS ONE ON!!! IF YOU NEED ANYMORE HELP JUST ASK ..THAT IS WHAT WE ARE HERE FOR.........

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

Hi,

I'm 27 years old and live in Leeds, England. My dad died 13 weeks ago (friday 26th June 2006) of a brain tumour and I cant face the anguish and pain so I haven't thought about it yet. I have just found this website and hope that it will help me come to terms with my loss. I find it hard to confront my feelings due to them being supressed as i grew up. My mum died when i was 5 years old and her name was never mentioned throughout my childhood, like she never exsisted, which i always found hard to understand as my dad married her best friend 18 months after she died. When I moved out of my parents address as a young adult I suffered badly with depression from the relationship i was in and the fact i never grieved for my mum. So since dad passed away I have purposely made myself busy so that i dont have time to think about it therefore i wont go back to the dark place i was before but i am tired, mentally and emotionally and cant hide for much longer but I'm scared........ I hope i can express my feelings via this forum though I know it will take time. I am not a religous person but have contemplated over the past weeks attending church to find answers to my questions that I know we all ask but again I'm scared.......

I feel lost. Its like walking through woodlands with so many things happening around you and so many things to distract you, yet when your on your own you realise there is no path and no direction, there is no compass to lead you through the woodland to the otherside to the next chapter of life.....

[messenger]

DEAR GUEST..IAM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS....YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE ANDI BELIEVE NONE OF US COME HERE BY CHANCE BUT ARE LEAD BY OUR LOVED ONES WHO HAVE PASSED........THEY WANT TO SEE US GETTING HELP THRU OUR GRIEVING PROCESS AND YOU WILL NEVER FIND A BETTER BUNCH OF CARING PEOPLE WHO ARE SINCERE ....WHEN THEY SAY..THEY CARE AND WILL HELP YOU........

I TOO STAY VERY BUSY..AND YES IT WEARS US DOWN ..WHEN REALITY KICKS IN...MY SON PASSED 16 MONTHS AGO TODAY...

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS HERE.......I THINK GOING TO CHURCH WOULD BE WORTH A TRY...........IT IS WHAT GAVE US THE STRENGTH TO GO ON AFTER OUR LOSS..............THE LORD HEARS ALL OUR PRAYERS.....HE KNOWS OUR EVERY WORRY AND HOW OUR HEARTS ARE BROKEN.............LEAN ON HIM AND KEEP IN TOUCH WITH US AND YOU WILL DO FINE.........IT WILL TAKE TIME....................YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[Edmund]

hi messenger, guest, etc. it's not easy, but sharing helps. we all will continue to pray for each other. it seems that society thinks after 1 month we should "get over it" & move on. they say time heals but in some ways it's harder w/ time 'cuz it's all the longer you haven't been able to talk to them , hold their hand, etc. i'm still crying (mom passed 8/22/06) but some folks say it's harder if u can't cry. i hope you all are doing well; i get lonely in my grief & feel that many others just don't want to hear about how i feel. so it's nice to have this support of people who need people...ed

[messenger]

HI EDMUND....IT IS HARD TO UNDERSTAND WHY.............PEOPLE THINK THE WAY THEY DO...US GETTING OVER OUR GRIEF.........BUT WE..........ALL..KNOW..THAT SHOULD THIS HAPPEN TO THEM THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT.......LETS PRAY NONE OF THOSE THAT TELL US TO GET OVER OUR LOSS NEVER EVER HAVE TO GO THRU IT.........YOUR LOSS IS SO FRESH ...IT WILL BE A LONG TIME ....MOHTERS ARE SO SPECIAL TO US AND YOU WILL NEVER ...GET OVER IT..IT WILL JUST GET EASIER TO DEAL WITH..AS TIME GOES ON..TAKE THE TIME YOU NEED TO GRIEVE AND DONT FEEL RUSHED ......WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT .................YOUR MOM IS WATCHING OVER YOU EDMUND..............WE ARE HERE FOR YOU..WRITE ANYTIME YOU WANT TO..AND I WILL BE KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

Hi Everyone,

Here is my story:

I've been reading your posts for about a week and I've finally decided to chime in. I'm so grateful that you all are here, because I know my friends are sick and tired of hearing about my loss. My dad died 9 years ago, 3 days before my parents 32nd wedding anniversary. I took care of my mom then ALOT, because she fell apart. And I was grateful to have the chance to do it, because it really helped heal my relationship with her, which had been rather strained over most of my life. We both found forgiveness for each other, which was an absolute gift from God.

I'm writing because I'm so very frustrated. My beloved mom died 10 mos. ago... I came down for breakfast (we lived together the last three years, another gift) and I found her dead on the floor. It was very traumatic. She hadn't been sick, but she did fall and hit her head on concrete 10 days before she died. I took her to the hospital and TWICE asked them to do an MRI, but they said it wasn't necessary. But she mentioned that kept on having trouble with her crossword puzzles ever since the fall, which was strange because she was a master crossword puzzler. Ten days later she was dead. And since she donated her body to medical science - Georgetown University Medical School - I had no way of finding out what was the official cause of death. It very possibly could have been a slow bleed or something like that. I actually called the school last week to see if they did an autopsy, but they said they didn't do those things, the students used the cadavers to learn on, not diagnose. And they further told me that "she hasn't been used yet, she's still in cold storage. She slated to be used in February, 2007."

I was in the hospital this summer for several weeks to deal with my PTSD around this, but ever since January 14 I've binged on food every day or almost every day. I'm afraid to let myself feel my feelings because I'm afraid I will be overwhelmed, but I have to do something because I've been binging on food for the past 10 months and have gone from 120 lbs. in January to 220 lbs. today. And I also decided that if binging is how I dealt with my feelings for the past months that I'm not going to beat myself up. I further decided, with my therapist, that I would try not to binge tonight, and I didn't binge. But I felt so overwhelmed, I had a panic attack all night.

Regarding the estate, I've had to do EVERYTHING myself because I'm an only child, and it has been so overwhelming. My friends have been there at times to offer moral support, but nobody can make these decisions except me, because I'm not married and I don't have any kids. Her house is going on the market this Friday, and I've had to contend with painters, window cleaners, carpet people who can't find my appointment, as well as going through all her stuff. My grandparents bought the house new in 1935, and it's been in my family ever since, so I'm letting go of my family home. I've had to go through 4 generations of stuff - great-grandmother, grandmother, mom, and mine. Every time I made a decision to toss something I felt like a piece of my heart was being ripped out. The estate sale, although I wasn't handling it, when I went back there and everything was gone, it just killed me. And I had to move when I didn't want to last August, because I couldn't live in the house among all her stuff. It made me crazy with grief. So in the midst of hospital stays and going through my mom's stuff, I moved. It was such a nightmare that I don't remember much about these past 10 months. I've just plowed through doing what I had to do to get through it.

I also took a suggestion from my therapist that I draw about my loss and my feelings around it. Lots of anger and sadness came up - not at her for dying, but that her dying has left my life in such upheavel and I feel so alone and like an orphan.

One miracle is that I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober in AA 20 years, and I didn't drink through what has been the most painful loss of my life. That truly is a miracle. My dad's death, my grandmother's death, and my divorce can't even compare to how I feel right now. If I can survive this, I can survive anything. But it feels like this will never end, and I'm afraid that I'll be stuck feeling like this forever. And it sucks. But my mom was the biggest champion of my sobriety. She went to several of my AA anniversaries, and she told me in December that she'd be there for my 20th anniversary in March. So instead, I took a picture of her with me and put it on the podium.

I am going to a bereavement group starting this Wednesday, and it's specifically for those who have lost parents. Hopefully that will be helpful and not too overwhelming to listen to others' losses.

Thanks for listening...... I'm so grateful I found you. You are a beacon in a dark night.

[Guest Guest]

I am mentally exhausted since burying my mother who just passed last week. I am at work and feel myself crying at different times trying not to let others know. Coworkers have been very supportive but this all still hurts too much.

I know I am not alone in this world.

Frank

[messenger]

NO FRANK YOU ARE NOT ALONE...............THERE ARE SEVERAL ON HERE WHO HAVE LOST THEIR MOTHERS..I DID 10 YEARS AGO AND IT STILL HURTS..THEY ARE SUCH AN IMPORTANT PART OF OUR LIVES AND SPENT MORE TIME WITH US THAN ANYONE ELSE..CHECK INTO LOSS OF MOTHER UNDER THIS TOPIC AND YOU WILL READ MANY OTHERS GOING THRU THE SAME AS YOU........STAY IN TOUCH WITH US AND WE WILL HELP YOU THRU YOUR GRIEF

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

I lost my father on September 29, a day after my birthday,(I found him on the couch, he had been gone a few hours) I keep re-living that morning and can't get the last image of him out of my mind. He had been sick for awhile with heart failure and lung disease, he had just had radiation for prostate cancer and was doing so well, no side effects or nothing, in fact I brought him for his check up the week before and everything looked excellent. I lost a sister in 2002 to murder,then my mother died in 2004,(she got sicker after my sister's death) it was terrible to see her suffer (she had liver cirrhosis) and I promised her I would take care of dad, my husband and I lived with my father, he could not drive and was on oxygen, we took him out every week to play Keno and have a few drinks. He often told me how lucky he was to have me, and told everyone how I took good care of him lol. I just can't believe my parents are gone, you grow up thinking they'll always be there. I feel lost and heartbroken, but it's nice to have a place like this to come because I don't feel so alone. Thanks for listening

Tanya

[Edmund]

was @ restoration hardware the other day & saw a lit Christmas tree & lost it; major grief/crying attack. can't imagine Christmas, hallowe'en, thanksgiving, etc w/o Mom. i'm mostly alone, no real family nearby...so i'll try to stock up on tissues @ costco! ed-ps we'll all keep praying for each other. skunky sends a big MEOW! to everyone

[Guest Guest]

Of course I found this page after getting up from bed to cry - hoping not to wake my sweetheart.

All these stories are heartbreaking and offer some humility for sure. I lost my mom in August to smoking related illnesses. PLEASE STOP SMOKING, if you do.

She started as a teen in the 50's, survived cancer in 1997 and has been on the decline ever since. My sister and i think she had some suicidal tendencies and smoking was a good way out for her.

I tried to help when she got sick this last time but I am haunted by what things I didn't do. I didn't think about how I feel now and make more effort. Although I did what I could and at her comfort level. We had a fight the last time I saw her. A terrible fight - she picked it and I was so exhausted from sleepless nights with her that I was totally unable to hold my ground and remain compassionate. We had some tough times when I was a teen (she was going through awful menopause and drinking too much) but had since gotten over it. The fight brought back all the woes and hurts from my teen years. I was just caught off guard and unable to reflect compassion back to her.

The funny thing is that I am a Buddhist and have no issues with what she is going through now. I know in my heart that all is well and that she is at peace. My guilt stems from not being able to make her last months easier.

Of course the psychology is too deep to get into but... even thought I know she looks over me and sends her love - when I get into bed at night and my mind goes to her - I weep. Sometimes out of guilt, sometimes out of sheer shock that she really died. It just doesn't seem real.

I guess I write this to her more than anything. I am sad that I know she is talking to me right now, trying to comfort me but I can't hear her. I just wish I could hear her. I wish my doubt would lift so we could heal and reunite in the spiritual world.

Anyways - I wish you all peace and healing. This process is bizarre and it sucks - but it seems like people get over it enough to smile instead of cry.

Peace

[trishd]

I am new to the boards. I lost my mother this last May, and I am having a very hard time dealing with it. I\'ll give you a little history to better understand my situation. My husband and I have always wanted to move to Wisconsin from South Dakota so this last Feb. we made the decsion to put our house on the market. This was a very hard decsion to make due to the fact that even though I have 3 other sisters I was the main one that took them place, stores, doctor visits etc. They were both independant but I enjoyed being with them and me being in the medical field also made me more involved in there care. Well my husband went on to Wisconsin in April and I stayed back in South Dakota until our house sold. Two weeks after he left I could hardly walk and had terrible pain, after tests it was found that I had fractured my pelvis completly in half, and for no know medical reason, I had no falls or anything well after more testing they found I had Osteoporous (spelled wrong) and my bones were like an 80 year olds and I am only 40. Well about a few weeks later I got a phone call from my dad the day after Mothers Day that my mother was fine and putting on her make up and then a terrible headach came on, I told him to call an ambulance. At the hospital we were told that there was nothing they could do that she had a massive hemorage in the back of the head, she died 2 days later. I don\'t know how to cope with all my grief..... We had almost lost my mother about 2 months before she died due to her mixing up her meds and I prayed and prayed to please let us have her a little longer, her 50th wedding anniversary was nearing and thats all she talked about she was so excited, she just wanted to make it to her 50th. So why did God give her back only to take her 36 days before her 50th Wedding Anneversary? She was only 67 years old.....

I miss her so much and I cry at that drop of a pin, I never thought it would be this hard..... and I don\'t know how to handle this pain I feel, its like a part of me went with her...... Had I not sold my house and bought a new one in Wisconsin I don\'t think I would have ever moved, at least I would have my dad.... Thanks so much for letting me carry on, I just don\'t know where to turn anymore..............

[Guest Guest]

I just found this forum. I know that other people are going through what I am but, it never seems to make a difference. My father passed away almost a year ago. No one will ever be as proud of me as he was. He was the one at all my volleyball games when I was young, he was at the side of the pool screaming for me to GO when I had a swim meet. He walked me down the aisle on my wedding day, afraid that he may have to wear his oxygen just to get to the end. I have never felt such pain. Even happy memories don't help, they just remind me of what I have lost. I always knew that he was sick and my time with him was limited, but nothing prepared me for that day. Now, all I can do is wait to see him again.

[mtbazz]

My father died two weeks ago, less than a week before my birthday (I am 39). He was my very best friend, and I have no idea how I will be able to go on without him. I have two other siblings, but no family or close friends of my own.

My father and I would chat every day, at least once. Sometimes I would call him just to hear his voice or have someone to talk to. Over the past few years, as I watched him grow older, I made it a point to spend more and more time with him. Usually this was two visits a week, consisting of anywhere from one hour to several hours, but I wish it had been more...

The thing that hurts the most is that even though I loved him dearly, I never said those simple four words " I love you Dad ". I can only hope that he was able to recognize my love for him....

[messenger]

DEAR MTBAZZ........I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU HAVE RECENTLY LOST YOUR FATHER............YOU WILL NEVER REGRET THE TIME YOU SPENT WITH HIM AND PLEASE DONT WORRY ABOUT NOT SAYING THOSE WORDS..................HE KNEW YOU LOVED HIM!!!BY YOUR CALLS,,VISITS AND LOVING CARE FOR HIM.............HE HEARS EVERYHING AND SEES EVERYTHING.........SO HE SEES WHAT YOU JUST WROTE.......YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE........WE HAVE ALL LOST SOMEONE DEAR TO US ON BEYOND INDIGO,,,,,,,,WE ARE HERE FOR EACH OTHER...........I WILL BE KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS,,,,,,,MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

My Dad died a year ago this month. My brother-in-law died 10 days later. They both worked at the same Aluminum plant...and died from asbestos related cancers. I miss Dad so much and think about him every single day. There are no words to adequately describe Dad. He was so easy going...loved to tell jokes...and would do anything for his kids. I know once I was asked...who my hero was. And I replied \"Dad\". He worked hard for his family and dealt with his death sentence as best as he could. He didn\'t want to go...he wasn\'t ready. And I\'m so angry about that.

I\'m having a hard time dealing with my Mom and Sister. Mom has aged terribly this last year. I handle all her financial affairs...and this has caused some resentment from my sister who moved in with her when her husband died. I think my sister has suffered a complete breakdown...she no longer acts like the same person. She\'s very angry...and lashes out at everyone. She\'s involved with someone she met online...and spends most of her day on the computer. Her daughter is so upset about this...and misses her Mom. It\'s like she\'s lost both her parents at once. My Mother is ok financially...but my sister has not. Cancer completely wiped out all their savings...and she has tremendous bills. We did the best we could to keep them going...but it\'s very hard financially when you\'re helping 2 people at once. After they both passed, we thought that it would be good for both of them to live together...so they could support each other. Mom doesn\'t drive...she never learned...so we thought this would be great for them to go places together...and just heal. Instead, they fight daily. Today in fact...Mom called me to confirm something I said to her in confidence. She was arguing with my sister again. She had told my sister...and I just can\'t take it anymore. I told her I wasn\'t going to listen to them fight today...it\'s my only day off...and I\'m done. I don\'t blame Mom for getting angry at my sister...she does nothing but sit in front of the computer all day. Mom isn't completely innocent...she says hurtful things to her. My sister also has health problems she needs to address...but instead prefers to live in her fantasy world. I\'ve tried to help her get financially stable...get her disability going...but she\'s at a standstill. I can\'t do everything for her...she has to want to get it done herself. We do have a trial coming up dealing with Dad\'s death. I\'m so dreading this. I want to be there...but I don\'t know if I can stand it. I know Dad videotaped a deposition...but I just can\'t watch it. I miss him so much. I just can\'t take much more of this.

[mtbazz]

Thanks Messenger...that means alot.

DEAR MTBAZZ........I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR YOU HAVE RECENTLY LOST YOUR FATHER............YOU WILL NEVER REGRET THE TIME YOU SPENT WITH HIM AND PLEASE DONT WORRY ABOUT NOT SAYING THOSE WORDS..................HE KNEW YOU LOVED HIM!!!BY YOUR CALLS,,VISITS AND LOVING CARE FOR HIM.............HE HEARS EVERYHING AND SEES EVERYTHING.........SO HE SEES WHAT YOU JUST WROTE.......YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE........WE HAVE ALL LOST SOMEONE DEAR TO US ON BEYOND INDIGO,,,,,,,,WE ARE HERE FOR EACH OTHER...........I WILL BE KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS,,,,,,,MESSENGER

[dollyd]

hello,my name is dolly--my mother was killed suddenly,in 2004,,by her own brother-he hit her in the head with an axe(brother suffers from altheimers),he had stopped taking his meds,when he killed her---my mom and i had just began gettin our relationship back on track--i am a recovering addicit,who turned my life around some 18yrs ago--we had our moments--but when she excepted that i was serious about my re-covery,,she became my best-cheerleader--to the point,i gave her insight,on the handling of my brother--he to uses,and to date still does--i taught mom,alot,by which she thanked me,alot-my mom was a caretaker of people,,that was her--but,for her life to be taken from me,an others--was a devastion,that to date,i wake in my sleep from it--i had to learn about the grieving process,,i had a nervebreak down,beside my mom,,i have buried (2)grandbabys,from Syds,my grandma passing,,i could take no more--and cracked in half,,today,i am on ant-depressants,which have saved me,,from wanting to hurt me(it got that bad),today i love me,and no that my family members are with god,,but i no (THEY) mom & grandma would tell me :They would never leave me:::I carry that with me--daily,hourly--grieving has no-time limit,,it\'s a part of me that will always be with me--what i have learned is how to channel it--thank god,,i have a hell of support group(work,friends,)who know when there birthdays are or anniversaries are--it is then that they lift me up--of course my god is carrying --Like that poem Footprints:its my favorite (smile)==thanks dolly

[Guest Guest]

Hi, my name is Tanya, I found this forum a while ago and just recently posted in the other "lost both parents" thread. My father died in September, the day after my birthday, it was a sudden death but he had been sick that week with what we thought was a stomach virus. I brought him to the doctors, and he gave my dad a prescription antibiotic and told him to drink fluids. My father had a weak heart (heart failure) and COPD from asbestos exposure in the Navy, he was on oxygen. The day before he passed away, he said he was feeling better and actually ate halfway ok, so I thought he was getting better. Little did I know that he would pass away that night, I found him that morning and he had been gone for a few hours by then. I flashback all the time to that last image of him and it breaks my heart. My husband and I lived with my dad, he couldn't drive (stroke took part of his eyesight) and he needed us, especially after my mother died in 2004. He was such a giving man, always laughing, so easygoing, just a real joy to be around, everywhere he went people liked him instantly. We brought him out to eat once a week and he looked forward to that, we always had a good time with him and I'm so grateful we spent that time together. I'm having a really hard time with this, and it also brings back the pain of losing my mom and my sister (she was killed in 2002), I miss them all so much and I just feel so ripped apart and empty. The upcoming Holidays fill me with dread because I know they'll be painful.

[Guest Guest]

I just realised that I posted in here again, thought it was loss of a father thread, man this grief business really makes my brain like mush lol, anyways thanks agian for listening!

[Guest Guest]

Hi all-

The Oregon Center for Applied Science, Inc. (ORCAS) is conducting a research project to gather information about what people would like to see in an interactive program designed to help individuals who are experiencing grief over the recent loss of a loved one. If you have recently experienced the expected loss of an older family member, you could get $50 for giving us your input in a brief online survey.

Go to http://study-GriefSupport.CaringSkills.com to read all about it. Please contact us if you have any questions.

Thank you.

[Guest Guest]

Hi there everyone. I am glad I found this website. My father died August 29th. I have already lost my mother at the age of 9. I thought I knew what I was in for but I guess not. I was a child and I dealt with it through my Dad. He becamed my father and mother so to speak. It felt like I had lost them both at once this time. My Dad made my world alright now that he is no longer here it is no longer alright. I can relate to the post that said all they can think about is getting to where their parent is now. That is all I can think about. My Dad was a pastor and traveled to preach into his late seventies. He was 86 when he died. He had congestive heart failure and lung problems and was on oxygen. I took care of him in my home for about 9 months but the stress became too great with all his health care needs. I put him in a veterans nursing home then transfered him again when the nursing home made a critical medication mistake. The nursing home I transfered him too killed him by giving him an infection in his blood from improper nursing techniques. I know all of this because it is on his death certificate. Cause of death I mean I am also a registerd nurse which makes it so hard because I feel like I killed my Dad by transfering him to a nursing home. I know everyone tells me it is not my fault the nursing home was at fault and how could I have known what they would do. By the way it only took a 9 day stay to kill him. I tried to transfer him out but the damage was done. He spent a couple of weeks in ICU but his heart and lungs could not cope with the huge infection in his body. I dream about him a lot. The first dream I had he couldn't see me I kept saying to him can you see me Dad? He kept squinting and trying to then I woke up. Then last night I dreamt that I told him I loved him over the phone and I couldn't hear him I told him twice. Dreams are weird. I also dreamed that he was in his casket and I wanted to keep it in my room and I kept telling the guys who were coming to take it away to leave him alone it was alright. Like I said dreams are weird. I am also a writer and usually write poetry or something when I am extremly sad. I can't even do that I can't concentrate. It seems like every thing I see reminds me of my Dad. I never know when I will see or hear something that reminds me of him and I am sooooooooo sad. I don't tell anyone I am just SO SAD. I have video of my Dad preaching on the Three Angels ABN network it is a 24 hour religious channel. I can't watch the tape all the time because it makes me miss him too much but it is nice to see him happy and healthy and doing what he LOVED which was preach the GOSPEL. I even kissed the TV I couldn't resist giving him a kiss. Now I know the men in the little white coats will come to get me soon ha. I always keep my feelings inside. I learned when I was young not to show my feelings. At my mother's funeral I would go to the drinking fountian to cry. I just found out that all my brothers and sisters did the same thing! We just started to talk about it. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. I asked my older sister at the funeral for Dad if they had a drinking fountian and she just looked at me because we both knew what I meant. Well enough rambling for now. Thanks for listening.

[plinker]

Hi, I just found this site. No one and I mean No one has the right to tell us how we should or should not feel.

I lost my Dad 9 years ago and my Mom January 25th of this year. I was her caregiver for the last 3.5 years. She lived with me and my husband.

Mom had COPD and CHF. Mom died in my arms. We talked a lot about what she wanted when the time came. She did not want to be alone. In the end she was not. I was able to lay in bed with her all day and talk. she was coherent right up till the end.

I am still having a very hard time with this. How can she just be gone!! How is it possible that the woman who loved me more than anything, just be gone!!!!! I live that day over and over again in my head. I know she did not suffer.......she was with the hospice program.......I keep seeing her face and especially her eyes. Her eyes were just so blank.

I too am dreading the holidays, but, I have 6 grandchildren that need me to be 'happy'. So, I will be happy for them.

This holiday I will miss her fruitcake and her cream puffs. Her minced meat pie. Oh hell, I'll miss everything about her not being here.

I love ya', Mom.