Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[clittlelady]

PMINSK: Through my life of 45 years I've had two different periods where I've lost close relatives in sets of threes, My Grandfather, my Uncle and my 37 year old brother, all within a few months of each other. My Brother was involved in a horrible Motorcycle accident and was in a coma for several weeks. He died after coming out of the coma. Two years ago. again in sets of threes, I lost my last Aunt, whom I was very close to and then three months later while my Mother was dying, I received word her brother who lived two states away had died. They were buried a day apart. In fact, today is the two year anniversary date of my Mother's death. That's why I found my way back here. This has always been my soft place to fall. My heart truly breaks for you and all that you've endured and especially for your miscarriage. I'm so very sorry. I too have experienced that personal loss, however not in relation to any other death. That one experience alone is so overwhelming and leaves your heart, emotions and hormones in three thousand different directions. Pills? I kept refusing them from my physician, in dealing with my mother's progressive decline in health and death and her burial under very complicated circumstances with a very dysfunctional family and I was her primary caregiver. I thought I would be strong through it all. I was wrong. After her death, I gave in to the Doctor's wishes and let him put me on Paxil, an antidepressant which for me has had no side effects. I believe it has helped keep me sane through the months and months of legal woes with relatives and probably kept me from commiting a felony (not serious, it also helped me get back my sense of humor to some degree). He did give me a few low dose Xanax for a few periods of intense anxiety that had hit me on a couple of occasions, however, one RX of those is all I had. Something to sleep for a few months was also given to me, which I was so thankful for. I had come to the point I couldn't shut down, couldn't go to sleep, couldn't stay asleep if I did go to sleep and couldn't rest through any of it. I don't like taking pills, but I do wish I had conceded to the Doctor's recommendations and taken the Paxil befure Mother's death as well. Everybody has different takes on medications, but for some, I think it's an intricate part of hanging on to sanity. I also went to a Christian counselor as well as frequently visiting this site. I know first and foremost for me is that God held me up through all of these times and wouldn't let me give up. I'll remember you in my prayers. Hang in there. Sorry I haven't visited here sooner, I see you post is of August 15. This is my first time back in probably a year. Hope you find this.

[somomojo]

I am new to this site after recently attending a Hospice Group for Motherless adults. In March of 2005 I lost my grandmother. This was the 2nd time we lost her because Alzheimer's and a stroke had taken her 8 years before that. My mother was so devastated and depressed. After a while she started to snap out of it and was her happy self again. On November 3, 2005 my father was backing up their truck to hook onto a trailer - his foot slipped onto the gas - struck and crushed my mother. I got the call at work from my father "Come Home" - I have had many of these calls over the years from mom or a neighbor because my dad had heart problems so it was odd to get a call from dad. I cried uncontrollably the 15 minutes it took me to get to their home, not even knowing what had happened. I said to myself, as long as I don't see a squad car, it will be ok - there was a squad car and mom was gone. For the next month I visited my father daily to make him meals, wash clothes, keep him company - etc. I worked very hard to make our family Christmas "ok" that year - making buttons for us to wear with mom's picture on it. On January 3rd 2006, my father fell on the ice and hit his head. I had to take him to the local hospital - he was transported to a larger hospital - had multiple seizures on the way and constantly when I got there. After testing he needed emergency surgery. He never woke up. Four months to the day of my mother's death - he died. My brother and I spent the next year cleaning their house (pack rats) and remodeling. Finally in May of 2007 we sold the home. I am now lost and suffering from all the stages of grief out of order. My husband thinks I should be better by now - honor the dead by living blah blah blah - I am not better and I don't think I've hit the worst yet. My weight has gone up, by blood pressure has gone up, I have lost friends who oddly enough stay away because ??? I can barely get out of bed anymore - yet I make it to work each day. I have a daughter 12 and a son 15 who are in desperate need of their mother. I don't know how to care for them - I don't know how to take care of me -- All I know is that I hurt in every way possible and I want the hurt to go away

[Guest Guest]

Hi. Firstly, please let me tell you I know how painful it is, and I am so sorry these things have happened. I lost my mother, (I won\'t tell you how long ago) and was thrown into so much pain and grief, I almost shut down. When she died, after being ill for only two weeks, I knew, being the only daughter, that I would have to manage \"business\". I had guests to receive, a funeral to arrange, a grieving father to tend to. And somehow, I think her strength got me thorough it. But after that first week of social obligations, I then let myself grieve. I went to bed, and stayed there for a week. I would wake up in these woozy states, with swollen eyes, remember what had happened and go back to sleep. After a week, I knew I had to get up. Start preparing to go back to work. Get the odds and ends of my life back under control. I went to the grocery store. The dogs were out of food. As soon as I got my buggy and headed towards the produce department, there was a woman about my age in there, with her mother, shopping. They were looking at vegetables, and laughing. I instantly became furious. How dare they? How dare this woman be in the grocery store laughing with her mother? Didn\'t she know how rude this appeared? I literally wanted to snatch the vegetable away from her. Oh, yeah, you won\'t be laughing so hard a few years from now when your mother is gone. The second week I went to my office. I went in and closed the door. At least I was there. The coffee pot was down the hall. I could hear every body coming in, and heading towards the coffee pot for their morning chat. Laughter. Again, I became furious. Don\'t they know I just lost my mother? How can they laugh? The sound was so repellent I started crying.

I am writing this, because I want you to know that the pain will subside. It starts in small steps. Like, one day you will watch a movie, and when it\'s over you will realize it has been two hours since you thought about the person. The increments get a longer as time passes.

You will stop crying in the car. You will stop relating every love song you hear on the radio to her. The feeling of \"surreal\" and disbelief will gradually find a way to diminish. It always, hurts. But I have learned this, too. The love? The love that the two of you shared? It doesn\'t go anywhere. She died, but your love for her didn\'t die, and her love for you didn\'t die. It remains. And all the things she gave you...remain. The encouragement she gave you in the past, rings through your head in her voice at times; she is still there. But your pain, no matter how shape like a knife, will diminish over time. Trust in that. How long it will take depends on the individual. But I promise you. It\'s time. Time.

[Guest Guest]

For Somomojo: I registered as Marian, but it is showing me as guest. I wrote the most recent post about my grief and anger when my mother died. I wanted to add to this for you. Two years after my mother died, my boyfriend's mother died. Then my father died. Four months later, my boyfriend died. Then my best friend. Then my other two best friends. I thought "well, it's official. Everybody who has ever loved me has died. ". Honey, I am so, so, so sorry all this has happened to you. You are still putting one foot in front of the other, and trying to get on with things. But you say you are not getting better. But you will. Every body has to find their own way to grieve, and you are doing the best you can. But I want you to think about a mistake I made and learn from it. Don't let this grief own you. Don't let it come to define you. Your parents have died. You are still alive. Honey, please go to the doctor. I did. You've got to get these physical symptoms under control to take care of yourself. Please consider asking for an anti-depressant. I took Zoloft. Think of it as something you are doing for yourself. You may think of it as temporary, until you are feeling better. It changes your thought processes for the best. When it kicks in, you wake up and think "I can have a good day today". It helps to diminish the fatigue and anxiety that is so inherent to depression. My friends started staying away too. They felt it was time for me to better, and I wasn't...and i guess they just got fed-up. I was a real downer, I guess. But what you have been through....is downright traumatic. I don't know of many human beings who could go through all that unscathed. If there is anybody, I don't think I would like them very much. But honey, you need to get up. Take action to start feeling better. Please, see your doctor. Get you b/p and your depression and anxiety under control. So what if it has to be chemically managed for a while? SO WHAT. Get some help until you can do it on your own.

Do it for yourself. Do it for your family. Don't let this pain kill you, and I know it can. God Bless you sweetie. I will pray for you. You are stronger than you know. You just need some relief from this pain.

[gracerose]

It's been four and a half months since my Mom died. I don't know when I will start to feel like the pain of loss is more bearable. It's been so very hard. I no longer listen to "advice" or "suggestions" from people who tell me where I should be at in my grieving because I'm going to do it the way I have to do it. Everyone handles it in their own way. All I know is I miss my Mom more than ever, I'm so lonely for her; I feel like a lost child with nowhere to go and no one to comfort me. I talk to her every day, in the morning, in the evening and whenever I need to. I know she hears me, I know she sees my grief. I know she wants me to be okay because I know she is okay now. Someone here said they cry in the car, I still cry in the car, driving home after work, my tears run down my face and all I want to do is get home and get away from everyone who is out there living. It all sounds kind of crazy maybe, but that is grief for you.

[mofirefly]

Gracerose - I'm glad you have had enough sense to not listen to other people who advize you on where you should be and that you know that you will go thru this in your own way. I can't even remember where I was at when it had been four and a half months as it seems I was in a fog for a year because I lost my mom Sept 8 '05 and have very little memory of events on '06. Please be careful when you drive - I and probably many others know that tears fall quite freely during that time, but please be aware of your surroundings. I also understand you wanting to be away from others who are living - that's possibly because a huge part of you feels very much dead. On these boards nothing said sounds crazy to others simply because so many have had similar feelings. Take Care!

[chelle01]

I don't know what to do any more. I posted a message a while ago. No one probably remembers now, but I have thought about this message board a lot. I havent been on in a while because I have almost completely blocked everything out of my mind. I guess I didn't get over my dad's death before my mom's happened 7 months later in march 07. I'm 21 yrs old, I lived with her and loved her very much, but for reasons unknown to me havent really even thought of her atleast in the last 2 months. I have a differnet life now. I work full time, go to school, and have taken legal guardianship of my little sister. I have a lot of problems that I don't know how to deal with right now. I walk around in constant fear and anxiey. I've never really paid bills before, but I do now. I have an apartment that no one will clean but me, and my upstairs neighbors are very ghetto and decided they don't like us so they stomp on the floor everynight. I can't take it anymore. I need professional help. I know I do, and I don't have insurance, but my main problem is that I need someone else to help me take that step. I'm scared and I feel crazy. I've told my fiance all of my feelings and begged him to help me or get me help, and he even said that he would, but hasn't. I know that if I leave it up to him that he never will, and it kind of makes me secretly mad at him. I've cried and begged for help, I'm not sure how to go about doing it myself, and for some reason just can't. Is this weird? All the little stresses are freaking me out to the point of madness yet I can't even think of my parents deaths, except for shallowly. I'm suffering and afraid to get help. Has anyone else felt this way?

_Chelle_

[Guest Guest]

Hi...I don't know where to start, there's so much to say and I don't feel like getting into it all. Basically, my dad died when I was 19 my mom when I was 33. Im 41 now. I have no other family members, all my grandparents died too.. and we grew up far away from all other relatives so I never got to know them.. and noone came around after they passed away. So I'm alone and feel alone even in crowded places. But Im that girl that everyone says is so strong, so positive even tho all that has happened... but inside I am crumbling with lonliness. I have problems with attachment in relationships, it's almost like Im sabotaging them before they even get a chance to start. I'm afraid it's going to end anyways, so why start it. I have adopted two children on my own, they are the only ones that keep in going. If I didn't have them I'd be a train wreck waiting to happen.

So anyways.. I get tired of people that complain about thier families and bitch about the small stuff when they dont' realize what a big forest they have. I have a tree and I make do with my tree, but those with forests seem to be never satisfied. These experiences in death have made me the person I am today.. a person who appreciates the stars in the sky, flowers, rain, laughter...

I dont even know what to say right now.. im done for a bit. thanks for reading..maybe someone out there will read this and know what I feel and want to talk with me.. or maybe not.

peace and love

[gracerose]

Mofirefly - thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding! It's almost 5 months and I don't even know how it is that I'm still walking around, apparently functioning on some level. The emptiness is immense, more than I've ever known. I know people here understand, everyone's going through the same thing. I will be careful when driving...I know my son and the rest of my family needs me and cares about me so I will exercise caution. Take care and God bless all of you as you travel this lonely, painful road!

[jackiewitter]

Dear Guest, Hi, I am Jackie and I can sympathize with you immensely. I lost my mom in 01, my dad in 04 and then my baby brother just a year ago. I have 4 kids, but I feel incredibly lonely. It's like my family is somewhere else and I am here alone. I turned 47 without any of the here. I tell my (young adult) children all the time, it's your family that matters. I do this because I know now what it's like to be without them. I have tried to start new traditions. We now lease a beach house on Thanksgiving because it was just too painful to try and do at home and wish Mom would help me cook, or that my dad would help with deviled eggs, or that my brother would start a fire. So last year we leased a house right on the beach and all the kids had a blast. It helped me keep my mind off of all that I was missing. When it came to meal-time prayers we all remembered who was missing and was grateful for what we have left. It did help, but I can certainly understand how alone you feel. I also get angry when people b$#tch about their family. It makes me so angry because I never realized until my brother died how quickly they can be gone. I always thought our family was charmed, no one had ever even had a broken bone; then within 5 years they are gone. Try to hang in there and focus on your children, they are what you have left. I am usually on the sibling thread, but I will check in on you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Chelle,

I am a mom of four and I cannot imagine the tremendous load you must be feeling. I can understand where you have not even had time or energy to grieve for your losses. I tried one on one therapy and just could not do it, my emotions are entirely to personal to share with a therapist that doesn't know what it is like to feel this empty. I would encourage you to look at a support group. I don't know what area you are in, but in the larger cities there are many different type of support groups that are made up of people in similar situations. I have found this web-site to be my support, my primary support coming from God. Sometimes just sharing with others can help; ones who understand your emotions and even the different physical aspects of grief. If you would like to email me, you can click on my profile and get my email address, at that point you can share your city if you would like and I would be happy try some searches to help find something for you. I have 4 children within your age range and it would kill me to know they were in pain and didn't know where to turn. My prayers are with you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[earthgirl]

Hi Jackie, it's nice to meet you and someone else who is an orphan. I know we are older, but I still feel this way. It's hard to explain the feelings I have to people who have never had the loss of a parent.. never mind both. When I still had my mom after my dad died, I still felt a sense of connection. But with both of them gone, I feel lost, especially during the holidays.. with no adult figure at all in my life and the two children I have it's really hard. It would be nice to have someone call me and see if me and the kids are all right or if we need anything.. or somewhere for the kids to go and visit... even just for me to have a break. Christmas is tough, I really dread it, I start to panick about 2 months before and leading all the way up to it. Mostly because it's just us... I dont want to sound materialistic because I am far from it. My daughter and I make each other gifts and make gifts for our friends, but we do it all year long. I guess it's the big family thing I want. I want something special for them to remember at the holidays, going to church with the family, coming home and everyone sitting around together laughing and talking and playing games.. and it just won't happen because it's just the 3 of us. I know we can play games and we can go to churc, but you understand right?

anyways.. i should go again, I just start to get really sad when I think about it.. and Thanksgiving is coming up.

thanks for listening.

It sounds like we really have a lot in common, it would be nice to chat more.

[jackiewitter]

earthgirl, I can see and agree with everything you are saying. And don't think the kids don't feel it too. My baby (19) hates the holidays now. She told me once how badly she wished that Granny were here to fix cookies and pies. We tried for Thanksgiving to pick out some of Moms best recipes and that helped but it was still not the same. All 4 of my kids visit my brother’s myspace page and leave notes and pictures all the time. You can tell they miss him terribly. But then there were times when it seemed like they had completely forgotten and gone on with their lives. It's such a strange place to be because everything seems like an oxy-moron. Your are happy when they are sad and then you are sad when they are happy. Go figure, life as a mother right! I miss my mother’s advice more than anything. When she died we were living out of state and she would call me every morning. I would talk with her while I was getting ready for work, she would call and warn of storms coming our way...we lived 3 states apart, can't believe she would watch the weather just to see what was headed our way. I miss my dad because he was so happy go lucky, just fun to be with. Even in the middle stages of Alzheimer’s he was a hoot! Hope all is well & perhaps we can stay in touch as the holidays approach. I have found that the actual day itself is not nearly as hard as the anxiety leading up to it. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[earthgirl]

hey Jackie,

that's right, the days leading up are the hardest. I've been tempted to find different things to do, maybe go on a holiday with them or something. well.. im going to give you my email address so we can keep in touch via there. I have to get making dinner. Id really like to keep in touch. joyreidiam@yahoo.ca

[rfhillii]

Hello,

My name is Richard. I am 39 years old. I lost my best friend...my father on Oct 28th 2006.

It has almost been a year. And honestly I do not feel I am getting better. (If I hear from another family member or a friend, that time will heal.) I am going to blow a gaskit.

He had bladder cancer surgery in Jan 2006, and 3 months later the Dr's told him he was 100% cancer free. And declined health wise after that.

And a week before his passing. He was seeing things. He thought the vaccume was a child. Every new day he thought we lived in New York, Alaska, Eroupe, China, and several other locations. He stopped walking 3 days before he passed. And totally stopped eating 2 days before his passing. And the night before, he went into. The Drs words... A death rattle, do to the phenomia, which explains the delusions thinking we lived in other locations. Do to the lack of oxygen to the brain. The Drs didn't even recognize the symptoms of phenomia, as he had a Drs appt just 3 days before he passed.

I have had a saying for many years and told this to other friends and family. "Don't mourn the loss, celebrate the life." I can not take my own advise.

I handled all the business of calling family about my father. And I handeled the appt at the furneral home. But couldn't even afford to have him creamated. (my aunt.. my fathers sister paid for it.) As I just spent a great deal of money to pay a very small portion of his medical bills just a month before.

And after everything was setteled and family went back home and about their business and life. I put myself deep into work (I work online from home.) I had a brake down and I still think I am suffering from. It takes every ounce of energy to get out of bed each and every day. and force myself to get back to working online. And the fact that my mother is very little support. I am suffering from deppression, and she tells me "to suck it up."

I have never felt so very alone in my life as I have these past 11 months.

When we called 911 and got him into the hospital ER. I sat as his bedside holding his hand for over 27 hours. I needed a brake. And went home for a shower, and to gether my thoughts. He passed away 15 minutes after I left the hospital. When I got back to the hospital and was parking. I saw my mother walking out. And I knew he had passed. We went back to his ICU room. And seeing him laying there, not breathing the same air as me. that image has been burned into my mind. I haven't been able to sleep without my light off since then. When I blink I see that image. And the fact that I feel a great deal of quilt that I wasn't there for him to the end. My mother told me that he waited for me to leave, because he didn't want me to see him go.

I just don't know what to do. I am so lost without my best friend.

And I really do not have anyone to talk with.

This is my story.

Thank you for your time.

[rfhillii]

Sorry didn't click the yes to Would you like email notification of replies to this thread.

___________

Hello,

My name is Richard. I am 39 years old. I lost my best friend...my father on Oct 28th 2006.

It has almost been a year. And honestly I do not feel I am getting better. (If I hear from another family member or a friend, that time will heal.) I am going to blow a gaskit.

He had bladder cancer surgery in Jan 2006, and 3 months later the Dr's told him he was 100% cancer free. And declined health wise after that.

And a week before his passing. He was seeing things. He thought the vaccume was a child. Every new day he thought we lived in New York, Alaska, Eroupe, China, and several other locations. He stopped walking 3 days before he passed. And totally stopped eating 2 days before his passing. And the night before, he went into. The Drs words... A death rattle, do to the phenomia, which explains the delusions thinking we lived in other locations. Do to the lack of oxygen to the brain. The Drs didn't even recognize the symptoms of phenomia, as he had a Drs appt just 3 days before he passed.

I have had a saying for many years and told this to other friends and family. "Don't mourn the loss, celebrate the life." I can not take my own advise.

I handled all the business of calling family about my father. And I handeled the appt at the furneral home. But couldn't even afford to have him creamated. (my aunt.. my fathers sister paid for it.) As I just spent a great deal of money to pay a very small portion of his medical bills just a month before.

And after everything was setteled and family went back home and about their business and life. I put myself deep into work (I work online from home.) I had a brake down and I still think I am suffering from. It takes every ounce of energy to get out of bed each and every day. and force myself to get back to working online. And the fact that my mother is very little support. I am suffering from deppression, and she tells me "to suck it up."

I have never felt so very alone in my life as I have these past 11 months.

When we called 911 and got him into the hospital ER. I sat as his bedside holding his hand for over 27 hours. I needed a brake. And went home for a shower, and to gether my thoughts. He passed away 15 minutes after I left the hospital. When I got back to the hospital and was parking. I saw my mother walking out. And I knew he had passed. We went back to his ICU room. And seeing him laying there, not breathing the same air as me. that image has been burned into my mind. I haven't been able to sleep without my light off since then. When I blink I see that image. And the fact that I feel a great deal of quilt that I wasn't there for him to the end. My mother told me that he waited for me to leave, because he didn't want me to see him go.

I just don't know what to do. I am so lost without my best friend.

And I really do not have anyone to talk with.

This is my story.

Thank you for your time.

___________

[mamabets]

For rfhillii~ Bless your heart..I lost my Dad six weeks before my 25 year old son..June, 2004. I promise you that with time, this will soften, yet allow yourself your time to grieve in your own way. Do NOT suck it up, and perhaps seek medical help for your depression. My advice, and it is only that, is to make sure that you have a low dose, anti-anxiety medication on board. To see what you have seen, and to have it embedded in your head and heart for now, will benefit greatly from a medicine that was developed for high stress situations. If you have financial problems and have no insurance, for instance, look into your local mental health, Behavioral Health Center. They are WONDERFUL and they will help you, broken heart and all.

I promise!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxo

[jackiewitter]

Richard

Hi, I just read your post and wanted to let you know that there is some hope. Mamabets has wonderful suggestions and you need to be open to anything that would help. Neither medication or therapy worked for me, but it did for my daughter, so you will find what works for some does not work for others. With that said, be open to trying anything that helps. I have found this website provided better therapy for me than a counselor. I can relate better to people who have similar experiences. So many have helped here, they have offered ideas to get through holidays, bad days and most importantly they have had compassionate ears! During some of my darkest days through this I had a group of three girls from here that constantly emailed, called and prayed. I don't know what I would have done without them.

The images that you have of your father will eventually fade, and they won't be the forefront. You will begin to see more of the happier memories of times spent with him. I don't know if it bothers you that you were not there when he passed away, but if it does, do not let it. I stayed with my mom as she struggled and within an hour after I took my father home to rest, she passed away. It is my belief that as long as my dad and I were there, she would have struggled to stay, once we were gone, she peacefully went while my brother was with her. Your Dads last days sound like my dad's. He was physically healthy until the last 3 weeks, even though he had Alzheimer's, he got around (even if he didn't know where he was or where he was going)!

One other thing that I want to say...as you approach the anniversary day of your fathers passing you will feel more anxiety and depression, just watch for that. Try to plan a very special but quite day. We just went through the 1st year passing of my little brother and my family and I spent the day remembering what life was like with him here. We focused on all that he shared with us while on earth and tried to stay away from the memories of the day he died or our pain from the past year. My prayers are with you and if you would like to email, please feel free. You can find my address in my profile. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[rfhillii]

For rfhillii~ Bless your heart..I lost my Dad six weeks before my 25 year old son..June, 2004. I promise you that with time, this will soften, yet allow yourself your time to grieve in your own way. Do NOT suck it up, and perhaps seek medical help for your depression. My advice, and it is only that, is to make sure that you have a low dose, anti-anxiety medication on board. To see what you have seen, and to have it embedded in your head and heart for now, will benefit greatly from a medicine that was developed for high stress situations. If you have financial problems and have no insurance, for instance, look into your local mental health, Behavioral Health Center. They are WONDERFUL and they will help you, broken heart and all.

I promise!!

LOVE,

mamabets xoxo

Thank you for the reply mamabets,

I am trying to get medical help. I don't want to take any antidepresents. As they have messed with my system before. (again work at home online, I didnt have any desire to work for about 4-6 months a few years ago.) So I would rather see a head Dr that doesnt prescribe meds. I do take Lorazepam to help me sleep, and get 4-5 hours of sleep a night if that.

I have medicare, and I am trying to get state assistance to get myself into see a head Dr. As well as phychical thearepy. I am totally disabled. I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy SMA III (type 3) Which honestly doesn't help with the depression. I am not seeking pitty for my disability, never have never will. I am still able to walk (with a walker full time. I do use a wheel chair when a walk is to much.)

The tiny town I live in now. I have looked into a group help center, and honestly I think I would be more comfy one on one with a therapists/psychologists.

[rfhillii]

Richard

Hi, I just read your post and wanted to let you know that there is some hope. Mamabets has wonderful suggestions and you need to be open to anything that would help. Neither medication or therapy worked for me, but it did for my daughter, so you will find what works for some does not work for others. With that said, be open to trying anything that helps. I have found this website provided better therapy for me than a counselor. I can relate better to people who have similar experiences. So many have helped here, they have offered ideas to get through holidays, bad days and most importantly they have had compassionate ears! During some of my darkest days through this I had a group of three girls from here that constantly emailed, called and prayed. I don't know what I would have done without them.

The images that you have of your father will eventually fade, and they won't be the forefront. You will begin to see more of the happier memories of times spent with him. I don't know if it bothers you that you were not there when he passed away, but if it does, do not let it. I stayed with my mom as she struggled and within an hour after I took my father home to rest, she passed away. It is my belief that as long as my dad and I were there, she would have struggled to stay, once we were gone, she peacefully went while my brother was with her. Your Dads last days sound like my dad's. He was physically healthy until the last 3 weeks, even though he had Alzheimer's, he got around (even if he didn't know where he was or where he was going)!

One other thing that I want to say...as you approach the anniversary day of your fathers passing you will feel more anxiety and depression, just watch for that. Try to plan a very special but quite day. We just went through the 1st year passing of my little brother and my family and I spent the day remembering what life was like with him here. We focused on all that he shared with us while on earth and tried to stay away from the memories of the day he died or our pain from the past year. My prayers are with you and if you would like to email, please feel free. You can find my address in my profile. Peace and blessings, Jackie

Thank you for the reply Jeffreyssister,

Last year around the holidays were so very hard on me. It was the first thanksgiving, xmas new years etc etc without my father. (Thats why I pushed myself into working long hours online.) To not have to think of things.

I think I am at that level now. Where I think of the fun times and those happy memories. But then I get so very sad and brake down and ball my eyes out. And I force myself to get back to work. (I honestly do not know if that is healthy) to just ignore the fact he is gone out of my phychical life forever. Although I do talk to him every morning and before I try to go to bed. (His urn is sitting on my dresser. Next to our cats urn.. The cat Patches was my fathers nurse.) she kept him company when my father was awake in the wee hours of the morning and in pain.

I spent 2 1/2 of his last weeks with him in the evening to keep him company.

That Friday night (Oct 27th) we had to call 911. When he had that "death rattel" (I hate the word "death" and "dead" by the way.) The last words he said to me was, "I am dieing."

When my father got taken to the hospital ER. By the time we got there, and put in a room and waited for people to come talk to my mother and myself. They said he had the phenomia (and talked in the past tence.. I then stopped these people talking and asked if he had passed. and they said no.) But he was in a coma.

I would give anything to have one more day to resolve some of the issues we had in the past. And that more or less is what weights heavy on my shoulders.

Like I said in my orignal post. My mother is not very supportive. When I want to talk about it she doesnt want to ever listen. Which is why I feel so totally alone as well.

Thanks for your time again, and letting me share.

[jackiewitter]

Richard

Does anyone who is going through grief actually know what is healthy and what is normal? I don't think so, I think everyone is trying to get by the best way they know how. And, like I said, what works for some does not work for all. You just have to get by sometimes one day at a time, other times it one minute at a time. If you are lucky, as I have been, it does get a little easier. I am not crying daily, probably every other day, but I can function now. I can talk about him more than I could before without just loosing it completely. What surprised me though was how loosing my brother brought on fresh pain of missing my parents. While Jeffrey was here, I didn't feel quite as alone. I knew we were without parents, but we kept them alive in our conversations. We would joke about Mom hounding my father in heaven, sending him to the store and then fussing because he didn't get it right! Now I have no one that shares those memories.

As far as the one more day, it wouldn't be enough. I am at a point where one more minute would be good for me. Just to see his smiling face for one moment. Try not to be so hard on yourself. This is like a really bad dream, just roll with it and try not to over-analyze everything. Unfortunately it is what it is. If you don't have someone to talk with, come here, there are wonderful people here who will listen and sometimes have good advise. I wish I had some, it just seems like it is something that you have to live through. My prayers are with you, I wish that I could do more. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Earthgirl

Hi, I hope all is well with you, I tried to send an email, but was not successful. I know it should have been yahoo.com, but it still didn't go through. Please click on my profile and you'll see my email address, please feel free to email if you wish.

A little on the darker side today, my son leaves for Iraq on Monday an I know that is weighing on my heart. But that's not all, I emailed some pictures to some friends and as I was looking through the folders I ran across some the last pictures that my brother ever took. They are job site photos and he's not in them, but just to know that was one of the last things he saw just gets me so deep in my heart. You know how in the old days they would say that you pine for someone, that's what I feel like I am doing, I am pining. I just cannot think of the right word but my heart just seems so heavy...no words, I just don't have them.

I know tomorrow will be better, this is just one of those lows. Probably should have warned Richard (below), just when you think you've turned a corner, it's like monopoly, return to the start, do not collect $200! But I am hopeful. I do pray you are having a restful weekend. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

peace and blessings, Jackie

[chelle01]

I still don't have insurance but am trying to look into it. I went to my family doctor today. It was the first time I have seen him since my parents died and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I went in because I had a UTI, but when I started talking to him I just started bawling. My whole family has went to him for years. He didn't even know my mom died, so you can imagine how stupid I felt, but I couldn't help it. All of the sudden I started to tell him all about all of my problems and my life and how I was all stressed out. So he prescribed me prozac, but I am scared to take an anti depressant. I don't like the side effects listed and I'm afraid it will mess with my head. I wish that he would just give me a newve pill I could just take when I am really freaking out. Has anyone else taken anti depressants? Should I try?

_Chelle_

[alex329]

hi everyone, i just cant get over all this sadness with all the new entries........................yesterday was 9 months for me,im doing much better thani was 9 months ago.............my world was taken from me without notice..................my dad died suddenly from a brain anurisym..............we had to take him off his machines xmas night 2006.................the worst night of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but the docs said there no hope,there was so much bleeding from the orginal burst.................nothing could save my dad...............im lost and will always be lost without him...............im daddys little girl.......without my daddy now.................life is so different but i do carry on most days..............its very difficult to get used to................he and i were sooooooooooooo close...........he liuved 2 doors down from me and was at my house everyday 8 times a day..................its so not the same withot him......................but it does get somewhat easier to get thru a day...............believe me i know...........i didnt eat for 3 months.............i went to 15 docs since he passed away................i have terrible nxiety and it has only become worse................i am in counseling for this and doing ok with it so far.............but i have a long way to go......................i was lucky to have my dad at my wedding with me..............i also have my dvd of the wedding and made copies for the whole family as that was his last time on tape.................1995!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! anyways i cant tell you enugh how sorry i am that you have found us here tonight,but im also glad you did............we have become very close friends on this site because we all feel the same way about our dads...............please return as often as you need to,and say whatever you are feeling at that moment...........it does help alot and we all understand what you are going thru as we are to......................there are good people here who really care for all of us...............................nite love tara.................hi girls.............hope all is well.................cindy...........let me know when mark leaves so we can chat,,,,,,,,,i dont want you to be alone................................nite tara

[jackiewitter]

Chelle, Hi, hope all is well with you, or at least as good as it can be under the circumstances. I tried prozac and was not happy with it. I really dreaded trying anything but it was almost a year after my brother and I was still waking in the middle of the night and not able to go back to sleep. He also prescribed ambien to sleep, but I did not take it at all. I took the prozac for about 2 months and one thing that it did help with was my thought processes. I didn't stress nearly as much, but I felt out of touch with everything. When I awoke in the middle of the night, I was able to go back to sleep, so I guess it worked like it was supposed to, I just didn't like the way I felt so out of touch. You might try it and see, you may have better success than I did. Hope that helps, other than that I got nothing. Just trying to get by the best that I can. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[Guest Guest]

My mom was a "slave" to a huge family. She cooked, cleaned, washed, served, nursed, listened and cared 20 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year without any modern day's machines. Not to mentioned whole bunch of unannounced guests every other day. She never had a bed or room, she slept on the floor all her life. She wore cheap worn-out clothes. She always ate other people's leftovers and mostly rotten food, and so very little amount and so irregular that she got stomach ulcer. She never even had the time to even brush her hair.

She kept everybody's life going smooth and comfortable. She was famous for her exceptional anxiety about other people's well being. In return this very ungrateful very judgmental family used her as a slave.

She was one of many children of her parents, who didn't really pay attention to her. She suffered all her life and has always been very unlucky. But she accepted it silently.

She was a talented sensitive religious woman. She was a poet, singer and artist. She had a great curiosity over the universe, science, literature, philosophy, music and traveling, but she gave up all her happiness for her family, who never appreciated her. She was such a great admirer of beautiful things. She yearned for reading, but never ever got to see what a computer looks like!

Just before Christmas 2006, she was detected lever cancer. All her blood started turning to water and that water started to accumulate in all the organs in her body and swelled enormously. She lost eyesight. Her feet became heavy like two pillars. She was freezing like ice. But she kept working until her last day came. In mid-January 2007, in a miserable nursing home, she died alone in the middle of the night, while the nurses and doctors just ignored her and were asleep. In the morning the nursing home authority gave the family a dead body and a big bill of medications and treatments, which they never used on her. The health ministry (Govt of India) and the police just ignored this case of "homicide by negligence" and the case file has disappeared under thousands of cases until today!

Her last wish was to listen to my voice from the other side of the globe, which I never had the time for, and to take a look at the pictures from my last vacation, which I never found time to send to her. I didn't even call her on the phone to say "happy birthday" to her on her last birthday (14th of November 2006).

She died with this wrong impression that I don't give a damn about her and I look at her as an annoying burden. We never discussed our feelings and she left forever with that misunderstanding.

All my tears have dried up. I'm dead inside.

The tragedy is eating my brain up. I'm making my husband's life hell. Now I'm obsessed with mediumship, afterlife, haunting, supernatural phenomena etc. I feel so furious that I feel strong urge to brutally kill somebody. I'm probably becoming a psychopath. I'm seriously thinking of suicide. I fear the dark so much that I freak out if somebody turns off the lights!

I have a tendency to shut all feelings up, block out all memories, hide myself in an oyster shell, create my own imaginary world and live life somehow. Most of the time I'm totally numb. Once in a while I burst out and break down. I even avoid talking about the death of my mom, who was such a loving caring parent! It hasn't changed for a single moment in last 8 months.

[jackiewitter]

Dear guest. I just finished your post and it just breaks my heart. I don't know the age of you mother, but it sounds like she was like mine. They were raised to sacrifice all for their family. Even at the expensive of their own health. My mother was so ill and continued to lose weight while her body fought itself, she had an auto immune disease that tricked her body into thinking that she was ill. Two weeks before she passed away the doctor told her that she had to be admitted into the hospital; she got very upset and told him that she could not go to the hospital because she had laundry to wash. I had called her the day before she went into the hospital and she told me that she could not talk with me, she had to prepare my fathers dinner. That was the last words I ever heard from my mother. I was living out of state and did not make it to her until after she had slipped into a coma. I hate myself for that. I don't know if she knew how much I appreciated her and how much I loved and respected her.

I can remember going to bed as a child and she was up, I would wake around midnight to go to the bathroom and she was up sewing, when I awoke in the morning she was up preparing breakfast (not cereal) but eggs, bacon, grits...then, while we ate, she prepared my fathers lunch for the day and she then got ready for work herself (she was a school teacher). I NEVER heard her complain about the duties that she had. I complain now because I have to prepare the coffee in the mornings for my husband and I. To me it seems her life was so meaningless; it was all devoted to others. When did she find time for herself? She retired from public school teaching and then began teaching at the university; she did that until she was admitted in the hospital. That's all that I have; the memory of her working her fingers to the bone.

I miss her so much and I have so many things that I want to tell her. I want to take her to have a manicure and a pedicure. I want to take her on a vacation, just the two of us, maybe a cruise or just go to a historic town and find a park that we could just sit and read to each other. I want those things so badly and all I can do now is pray at night that I dream of them.

I hope that your pain eases some, but my mom has been gone for 6 years now. There are days that it is just as painful as the first. You cannot lose someone that meant that much to you and not have that hollow place in your heart. I will say prayers for you that can find a place for those feelings, know that they will pass and you will have some reprieve of sorts. Please talk with someone if your emotions are so strong that you feel a threat to yourself or someone else. You have to remember that your mother did these things so that you would have a better life. Talking on this web-site is a good start. You can find my email address in my profile. If you would like to send me a more private email, please do, I am a super listener (or reader) in this case. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[nickche]

Jackie,

My mom sounds so much like your mom. My mom was a school secretary for 25 years while at the same time taking care of three children, my dad, the house etc. I remember waking up on Saturday mornings to the smell of freshly baked pies and cakes. Even though she worked full time, dinner was always on the table at 5:45 shortly after my dad walked in the door from work. The house was always immaculate, she made all my clothes, was on numerous church committees and would go without to make sure everyone else had what they needed. She was totally devoted to my dad. They were married for 61 years and now she is totally lost without him. It is like her life purpose is gone. After reading your post I want to take her for a manicure and spend as much time with her as I can. Thank you for opening my eyes a little more to how precious each and every moment is. I should have learned this after my dad died but grief takes hold and sometimes we don't see the living while grieving the dead. We did take a week vacation recently to her home town where her and my dad grew up together, were married and my siblings and I were born. I will be more patient with her and enjoy every moment I have with her.

I don't post often but I have learned so much from you and others. You are so insightful, articulate and have an amazing faith. I pray for your son and your family as he is away in Iraq.

Comfort and strength to you and everyone tonight.

[jackiewitter]

nickche

I can hardly see to type for the tears, your post touched my heart as well. Take her to the park and read and laugh and let her know how wonderful and meaningful she has been to your family. My parents would have celebrated their 60th anniversary the year she died. My father had Alzheimer's and I spent as much time as possible with him after her death. He lasted 3 more years without her and even though the disease had clouded his mind so much, he remembered her. Sometimes he would look at me and call me Momma. I resemble my mother in many ways physically, but I never had her drive. She was also a school secretary and when I was 11 years old she went back to college to get her degree to teach. She packed up 4 kids (1 on which was in the same college she was going to) and we moved so that she could go to school. We would drive in on Monday, stay in a small dormitory type apartment and then drive home on Friday; where she continued her duties as mother and wife. I can close my eyes now and remember pulling into our drive and our father rushing out to see her and he would hold her so closely while I waited my turn to hug him. OH My GOSH how I thank you for that memory. Sometimes he would surprise us and drive into the town where we were going to school, he would be there waiting to pick me up from school. It was the most magical time that I can remember. We had never been separated, Mom had gone to a local community college for the first two years and took as many correspondent courses as possible, but we had to spend two semesters in that city for her to finish her degree. Even though it was Mon-Fri, I missed my daddy terribly. But that's the kind of person my mother was, she would sacrifice anything to better her family. When we packed up their house that they had lived in for over 50 years, I found a diary/autograph book of my mothers, she was 8 years old at the time. In it there was a page signed by her teacher, the teacher said that if she continued her dream that she would be one of the best teachers ever. I realized then my mother had had a dream of being a teacher since she was 8 years old. Why didn't I ever ask Mom that when she was here. There are so many things that I wish that I had ask her.

After Mom passed away I bought a book called Reflections from a Mother's Heart. It is a book that poses questions and you (the mother) fill them out. It is more geared toward a Christian, but it ask questions from early childhood, through marriage and adulthood. You write in the book from your memories, it ask questions about favorite toys, Christmas', scripture, favorite time of year; your most frightening moments and times you misbehaved. I have completed about 70% of the book now and both my girls know that I have it. When I die, they will have something from my own thoughts and my own handwriting that they can keep with them. I still go back through stacks of letters and cards that my mother wrote me. We lived in separate states for the last 2 years of her life. I highly recommend purchasing or making a book/journal of this nature to anyone who has children. As a grieving parent, I never ever want my children to hurt this way, but I know that they will. I wish now that I had discussed this with my mom. She too lost both of her parents in her 40's and I never once ask her how that felt.

Thank you so much for the kind words and more importantly thank you for the prayers for my son. Please do something special with your mom and come back and tell me about it. I will adopt her for that moment. I know how painful the loss of your father is and I pray that you can find more pleasant memories than the loss that you feel. I am sorry to have gone on this long, you just brought up so many memories and emotions. Thanks you again, may God be with you. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[nickche]

Jackie,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. My mom had made a reflection book for each of my children when they were younger. They are now 29 and 25. They cherish them. After reading your post I have decided to help my mom write the same kind of book for my 5 year old nephew as he will not have the same memories with his grandma as my children did. Her writing skills are not as they used to be but the memories are still there so I think it will be a great thing for her and I to do together. Then I can also have her share her past with me. I recently found two of her diaries that she wrote when she was still in high school and up to the time she married my dad. I asked her first if I could read them and she gave me permission. Oh how times were different back then. Much simpler than today but there was also a war then too and she writes about her brother going off to war. Once I started to read them I could not put them down.

On Oct 20th my parents would have been married 62 years and Nov. 1 would have been my dads birthday. We will need to get through those dates somehow. And then there is also the holidays coming up. I read the posts here and feel so much for all the young people that have lost parents or family members who were much younger than my dad. I can only imagine the heartache they must have. My heart and prayers go out to everyone who has found this site due to the loss of a loved one. It has been a blessing to me.

[Edmund]

my fellow orphans, time doesn't really heal because you miss them MORE as time goes on.try this nice book: "90 minutes in heaven".my only comfort is the occasional time that mom comes into my dreams; i always tell her the same thing;"i love you!" & it feels real.we must pray for each other...love,ed

[mrscorfy]

This is going to be a hard fall and winter. Mom died April 24 of a massive stroke - one day before my husband's birthday. My birthday is later this month, and then comes Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I have days when I am okay with it, and other days, like today, that I just can't think about facing those times without her.

I smile when I think about the quilts she must be making, or the people she is still meeting and catching up with, but I am still sad.

I miss her so much.

[crushedheart]

I agree with you mrscorfy...all these holidays coming up is going to be tough for me and my kids as well...Mom passed away May of 89...lost my husband unexpectedly in July of this year .. 2 weeks later lost Dad in Aug of this year..my kids and I are just numb and LOST!..and not looking forward to the holidays ..

Edmund...you're so right ...time didn't heal me with the death of my mom...it got a little easier ..But I remember every detail ..then I feel the sad stuff coming on stronger sometimes..

[Guest Guest]

Hi all. I'm sorry for all of you.

My father died early sunday morning. I went to school at U of Georgia and I talked to him as they won at the last minute. The last words I heard was "how bout them dawgs". I told him I loved him and then 6 hours later my mom found him beside his bed, dead. I'm flying to North Carolina tomorrow morning and i've always avoided funerals. Now I have to "meet and greet" at the funeral home and then funeral. Am I weird for not wanting to see him dead laying there? Maybe it's too soon to think?

[4froggies]

Hi all. I'm sorry for all of you.

My father died early sunday morning. I went to school at U of Georgia and I talked to him as they won at the last minute. The last words I heard was "how bout them dawgs". I told him I loved him and then 6 hours later my mom found him beside his bed, dead. I'm flying to North Carolina tomorrow morning and i've always avoided funerals. Now I have to "meet and greet" at the funeral home and then funeral. Am I weird for not wanting to see him dead laying there? Maybe it's too soon to think?

Guest--I am so sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my father 5 months ago this past Friday.

Of course it isn't weird not wanting to see his body lying in the casket. One very important thing to remember (and this is hard) is that it is not your dad laying in the casket, it is his shell. I struggled with this throughout the services. It is hard to see them without life, it is hard not grasping the fact that they aren't going to wake up. But the truth is, you have to focus on the fact that they are in a better place.

I got through my dad's funeral (his death was sudden as well) by thinking about how my father would want me to act. He always took pride in me for my professionalism and my stature, so I tried to hone in on that the two or so days that we were camped out at the funeral home.

You are in a horrible position right now, having go deal with this. Just know that you aren't alone and you will be kept in prayers.

All the best to you and your family.

Michele

[jackiewitter]

Edmond,

Hi. I read that book about 2 months ago. The only reason that I picked it up was because the accident happened about 80 miles from where I live. That road was the way from Houston to the small East Texas town my parents lived. That bridge still stands but is no longer in use. I have traveled that bridge thousands of times, when my mother went to college at Sam Houston University we went over it almost every Monday and every Friday.

I had a hard time with the start of the book, while he was in Heaven, but only because I miss my family so much. That's so selfish of me, all I can think of is how I want to be with them again. Sometimes I am angry with my brother that he is there and I am here. But, the rest of the book was wonderful, it really makes you appreciate what you have and how even ministers can be brought down with grief and depression.

So my fellow orphan, may God be with you as we travel this long road. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[jackiewitter]

Edmond,

Hi. I read that book about 2 months ago. The only reason that I picked it up was becasuse the accident happend about 80 miles from where I live. That road was the way from Houston to the small East Texas town my parents lived. That bridge still stands but is no longer in use. I have traveled that bridge thousands of times, when my mother went to college at Sam Houston University we went over it almost every Monday and every Friday.

I had a hard time with the start of the book, while he was in Heaven, but only because I miss my family so much. That's so selfish of me, all I can think of is how I want to be with them again. Sometimes I am angry with my brother that he is there and I am here. But, the rest of the book was wonderful, it really makes you appreciate what you have and how even ministers can be brought down with grief and depression.

So my fellow orphan, may God be with you as we travel this long road. Peace and blessings, Jackie

[alex329]

hi all, as you all know my dads death was very sudden(brain anurism) oct 26th will be ten months and i was doing really better but i have since lost my appetite again and am worrying about the 1 yr date and xmas........i just cannot get over this yet!!!!!! i feel like a very weak person but i cant help it...i talk about him allllllll the time...everything i do or we all do as a family brings me right back to my dad........like today..his dog bella was playing in the leaves and hiding under them and running around,it was so cute and funny and i said my uncle..."my dad would have cracked up over this" he loved his beagle bella.....i bought her for him and my uncle last may.......he loved her so much so when i see her i think of my dad......weird,i know .....it doesnt take much for me to get upset or think of him....its all day long for me.............hopefully next yr will be a little easier on me.....i really hope so,but like i said im so afraid of the holidays without my dad.........he loved xmas and he loved to decorate his house and have snowball fights with my son joey and his friends,he also built a huge snow fort and spray painted it for the kids,i almost called our local paper to come see it!!!! it was the coolest thing,and all the neighbors were stopping to look at it,,,,,he was an awesome dad and even better grandpa!!!!! my joey misses him sooooo much...........as do i......nite tara

[alex329]

hi all, as you all know my dads death was very sudden(brain anurism) oct 26th will be ten months and i was doing really better but i have since lost my appetite again and am worrying about the 1 yr date and xmas........i just cannot get over this yet!!!!!! i feel like a very weak person but i cant help it...i talk about him allllllll the time...everything i do or we all do as a family brings me right back to my dad........like today..his dog bella was playing in the leaves and hiding under them and running around,it was so cute and funny and i said my uncle..."my dad would have cracked up over this" he loved his beagle bella.....i bought her for him and my uncle last may.......he loved her so much so when i see her i think of my dad......weird,i know .....it doesnt take much for me to get upset or think of him....its all day long for me.............hopefully next yr will be a little easier on me.....i really hope so,but like i said im so afraid of the holidays without my dad.........he loved xmas and he loved to decorate his house and have snowball fights with my son joey and his friends,he also built a huge snow fort and spray painted it for the kids,i almost called our local paper to come see it!!!! it was the coolest thing,and all the neighbors were stopping to look at it,,,,,he was an awesome dad and even better grandpa!!!!! my joey misses him sooooo much...........as do i......nite tara

[alex329]

hi all, as you all know my dads death was very sudden(brain anurism) oct 26th will be ten months and i was doing really better but i have since lost my appetite again and am worrying about the 1 yr date and xmas........i just cannot get over this yet!!!!!! i feel like a very weak person but i cant help it...i talk about him allllllll the time...everything i do or we all do as a family brings me right back to my dad........like today..his dog bella was playing in the leaves and hiding under them and running around,it was so cute and funny and i said my uncle..."my dad would have cracked up over this" he loved his beagle bella.....i bought her for him and my uncle last may.......he loved her so much so when i see her i think of my dad......weird,i know .....it doesnt take much for me to get upset or think of him....its all day long for me.............hopefully next yr will be a little easier on me.....i really hope so,but like i said im so afraid of the holidays without my dad.........he loved xmas and he loved to decorate his house and have snowball fights with my son joey and his friends,he also built a huge snow fort and spray painted it for the kids,i almost called our local paper to come see it!!!! it was the coolest thing,and all the neighbors were stopping to look at it,,,,,he was an awesome dad and even better grandpa!!!!! my joey misses him sooooo much...........as do i......nite tara

[alex329]

hi all, as you all know my dads death was very sudden(brain anurism) oct 26th will be ten months and i was doing really better but i have since lost my appetite again and am worrying about the 1 yr date and xmas........i just cannot get over this yet!!!!!! i feel like a very weak person but i cant help it...i talk about him allllllll the time...everything i do or we all do as a family brings me right back to my dad........like today..his dog bella was playing in the leaves and hiding under them and running around,it was so cute and funny and i said my uncle..."my dad would have cracked up over this" he loved his beagle bella.....i bought her for him and my uncle last may.......he loved her so much so when i see her i think of my dad......weird,i know .....it doesnt take much for me to get upset or think of him....its all day long for me.............hopefully next yr will be a little easier on me.....i really hope so,but like i said im so afraid of the holidays without my dad.........he loved xmas and he loved to decorate his house and have snowball fights with my son joey and his friends,he also built a huge snow fort and spray painted it for the kids,i almost called our local paper to come see it!!!! it was the coolest thing,and all the neighbors were stopping to look at it,,,,,he was an awesome dad and even better grandpa!!!!! my joey misses him sooooo much...........as do i......nite tara

[jackiewitter]

Tara,

Hey girl, great to see your post. Hang in there, as you approach the anniversary mark it is tough, but don't be scared. I was so afraid that this meant that I was starting all over from the beginning because that's what it felt like; but when the actual day arrived it was not nearly as bad and then in the following days I just kind of moved back into the healing place with episodes of emptiness. I feel like I am moving along better, not such a constant pain, just sporadic events will set off the tears. My thoughts are with you, peace and blessings, Jackie

[alex329]

hey jackie, thaks for writing back to me. i am having a little bit of trouble these days but im doing better than i was months ago..........its still so very hard for me but im really pushing thru and mocing on, just mow and again i have these moments when i am sad, but thats normal i think......i do dread the holidays but i think i will be ok.....i have a huge family an we are very close so we should be ok.............nice to hear from you, i hope all is ok with you tonight ....tara

[mofirefly]

Hi Tara, Jackie and Cindy - Just a quick note to let you know I'm thinking of you and the many others winding their way thru this path of lonelyness.  I can't seem to find time or help figuring out how the new boards work, but hope to someday this month.  I hope you are all doing ok.  Please take care!

[allenvythisqt]

hello, my name is danielle velasquez, and october 24th marks the 10 month anniversery of me losing my mom( my grandma she raised me.) to the same horrible thing you lost your father to. im soooo sorry for your loss, i truely feel your pain.  i know exactly what your going through everyday.  I miss her every minute of every day that passes. I find myself talkin to her in the car when im alone, in bed at night etc.  I figure thats just part of my grieving process........ untill lastnight. I came home from work, my boys ( ages 12 and 8) were in their room and the house was a total disaster.  normally, i would just clean the house, put them to bed and go to my room and work on the computer or go to sleep. But lastnight was different. instantly i was mad and yelling at them for not cleaning up after themselfs. I kept yelling at them as they cleaned up. then all of a sudden I found myself in the middle of the  kitchen floor crying and yelling; " I hate my life! Why did you leave me here? You promissed you'd never leave me!" My boys got scared and went in their room and closed the door. i went to my room and cried myself to sleep. That was the first time I had ever done anything like that. I apoligized to my boys this morning, but i still felt really aweful all day . Could it be that my grieving process  has just started? I wrote this in my journal on the day i lost her. i thought this was the start of my grieving. Im sooooo confused. dont worry your not the only one. this is terribly hard for me too.

FEBUARY 24, 2007

Well shes gone, I unplugged the machine on Tuesday Febuary 24, 2007 at 2:02 pm. She took her last breath and let go at 2:17pm. As hard as it was to hold her perfect little hand as she slowly slipped away from me. It was the longest 15 minutes of my life.  I kept my promiss to her and never left her side. I kept telling myself that she was going home. That she would be in a better place. But in all reality, all I really wanted to do was scream at God and ask him; "WHY". So I did. I went to the hospital chaple, I closed the door so I could be alone. I walked to the front and fell to my knees and cried like a baby for about ten minutes. And then outloud as I cried, I asked God; " Why? She is all I have! I understand why you want such a perfect person, but you cant tell me that you need her more than me damit! Im not ready to let her go. I need to tell her I love her and how shes been the best friend Ive ever had. And that Im sorry for every time Ive ever made her cry or worry.Please God, just let me tell her thank you for making me who I am ! Please! Why would you take her from me knowing I need her so much? Deep down I know Im being selfish, but I dont care, I want my mom back." I stayd there crying on the floor for another 15-20 minutes untill my auntie mommy (her sister, my aunt) came in and sat on the floor with me, put my head in her lap, brushed my hair out of my face and without saying a word she held me as I cried for my mom. I looked at her and I said; " I just wanted five more minutes auntie" And all she could say was; " I know mi hita, I know." So I've learned that; No matter how much you prepare yourself for the anticipated passing of a parent, no matter how much you reherse well thought out responses to kind and thoughtful words of sympathy, no matter how well you understand that pain and loneliness is soon to be replaced with eternal peace, you are never really prepared.

MY GRANDMA ALWAYS SAID, " HITA, DONT WORRY WHEN I DIE, I'LL ALWAYS BE WITH YOU. YOU CAN TALK TO ME ASK ME ANYTHING. YOU MAY NOT HEAR ME, BUT YOULL ALWAYS FEEL MY ANSWER."  MAYBE GOD TOOK HER BECAUSE MAYBE IF SHE HAD LIVED, SOMETHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO CAUSE HER GREAT PAIN AND SUFFERING SO GOD TOOK HER PAINLESSLY TO PREVENT THAT. THAT IS THE EXPLAINATION THAT I CLING TO THE MOST. IT HAS TO BE, OTHERWISE I'LL HATE GOD.

                                           DANIELLE VELASQUEZ

[veronica74]

Hi Danielle i just lost my mom in June at home. i feel your pain i feel the exact same way that you do to. this that you said is so true

 MAYBE GOD TOOK HER BECAUSE MAYBE IF SHE HAD LIVED, SOMETHING WOULD HAVE HAPPENED TO CAUSE HER GREAT PAIN AND SUFFERING SO GOD TOOK HER PAINLESSLY TO PREVENT THAT. THAT IS THE EXPLAINATION THAT I CLING TO THE MOST. IT HAS TO BE, OTHERWISE I'LL HATE GOD.

i would never hate God he has helped me so much but i am angry with him too a lot. i love him yet i dont understand why he would take my mom from me either shes all i got to. i have been her caregiver for 10 years almost and shes the only family i ever had, my sister is almost 50 i am 33 and sister is a bad drug user and has been most of her life. my one aunt who does care lives like 500 miles away and is struggle to just keep her rent paid etc. and is of no help at all.

i have never had a boyfriend at all and have no kids i live on disability for migraine headaches and am barely making it each month.

 i have never been on my own before in my whole life i have taken care of my sick mother and have always had her with me she was sick since she was a very young girl in many different ways with her lungs, her ears infected, her heart etc..

i live in a downtown denver dump thats section 8 and its a real ghetto place to not nice section 8 either, theres drugs here, shootings etc...

i just cant imagine living any further without my mom but i know that i much go on God still needs me for something or else i wouldnt be here...

i am here if you ever need me for anything many hugs and prayers, Sheela

 

 

[charbarr]

I buried my father today. My mother  4 years ago, a sister last March, and a brother when I was just a child. The priest said something today that touched me....we are not human beings on a spiritual quest, we are spiritual beings on a human quest. Meaning this is only a moment of what we are, we are only here for a brief snip it of our travels. I must believe this now, or else I would be lost.

[raelz79]

I am a 28 year old mum of 2 boys. I lost my dad 10 years and 3 months ago today, and i lost my best friend, my mum, 3 weeks ago today. I am hurting so much inside that i hide it from everyone. I am still in what i call mission mode, meaning that i have too much to do to be able to grieve yet. And it is still not real at all for me.

Because my mums Will was not updated in time my husband my two children and i have to move. i have lived inthis home majority of my life - 21 years. So i have so many other fears to deal with at the moment i have pushed anything for mum aside and only let myself cry late at night when the kids are in bed and taken care of.

I was only 18 when i lost my dad, and i ended up having a nervous breakdown from the the loss and a few other things that happened all around the same time. I dont want to get that low again and thoguht that maybe sharing my story with others might help me a little and might also help someone else.

I have so much else going on in my head, anger, fear, anxiety, confusion, and so many other emotions too that i dont know what to do. I am not a religious person at all but i do know in my heart that my mum and dad are together again and i can take some comfort in that. But am i silly to want to know that they are ok?? Am i silly to want to talk to them both again??

My mum and i did everything together. She even came to work withme. i was a singer and she came to every show that she could. Even hwn i went out with my friends, i would bring my mum along, and no one minded because she was a friend to them all too. Mum was only 59 in October and was taken from me way too early. Lung disease caused from smoking is what took her life so quickly. She left behind not only us 4 kids, but also 11 grandchildren with more on their way.

I am too upset now to write anymore, so i will wait until i see more peoples experiences and try and understand my grief using their situations as well. I will try and llok at things from the 'glass half full' point of view, and continue to take each day as it comes.

My hopes are that everyone else is taking each day also, especially with christmas only days away. WOW what a different year this will be!!

[alone1]

:(I lost my mother of 85 3 weeks ago.  I am far from being a young child, but I certainly feel like one now.  Since she started to need a cane and then a walker 3 years ago, I was her caretaker and companion.

We have always been close because I am an only child and unmarried. The last 3 years we have been especially close. Although the last years were difficult for my mother, I felt we were never closer.

Now she is gone, and it was unexpected.  Even though I have eaten out alone many times over my lifetime, still have my own condo, and have vacationed on my own numerous times, it is all different now. She was always home, someone to come back to.

Spent New Years alone watching tv because of all the family & friends who professed to be concerned 3 weeks ago, no one thought to call or invite me over to watch tv or go out to restaurant-of course I would have willingly paid my way.

No one calls anymore to see how I am , and I am now really all alone in the world.  I go out to eat 2x a day, just because I dont want to be by myself longer than I have to.  Looking for a support or singles group, but it wont be the same.

[paula7777]

hi raelz. i lost my mum 2 months ago she was 58 to stomache cancer i also did everything with her she was my best friend. your in my thoughts . take care paula x