Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[mofirefly]

Guest - So sorry to hear about the loss of your mom...and it being so recently. You have found a site that many others have found, and the one thing that it provides is a place to let you feelings out...and that I feel can be beneficial. Sounds like you and your mom were very close and that's great, but it does make losing someone your so close with a whole lot harder. You are now on a journey that has no time limits or rules of how to behave. I think it's great that you are crying, so many men don't seem to be able to, and it has been proven that tears are a healthly release. If you feel you need professional help, seek it, and don't let others pass any type of judgment for anything you should feel you need to do. As difficult as this is for you now, it does seem to get easier to handle with the passage of time. For now, just take care of yourself, allow yourself however much time you need to deal with this event in your life. Take Care!

[jc1030]

Guest,

My condolences. What you're going through is what many of us on these boards have gone through, and it's only the beginning of your journey. I lost my dad to a stroke at the end of October, and I'm still grieving. When I go home to visit my mom, it's still sad to know that he's not there any longer. Despite all his problems and shortcomings near the end of his life, I still wish he was around.

The most important thing right now is you also make time for yourself. Make sure you are eating, and that if you have friends and family who are good listeners, talk it out; it's sometimes helps. Hang in there.

Jeff

[novangel]

Guest,

I just lost my Mom on February 2nd so I completely understand how you're feeling. Having urges to call her, having one-sided conversations; etc..

This has been one heck of a rollercoaster ride. Just know that you're not alone.

[Guest Guest]

I am so sorry for you loss. I know you have heard that 100 times. I am 37 and just lost my Mother on Jan. 30th.

We found out she had lung cancer in October after 4 months of her doctor diagnosing her incorrectly. She had part of her lung removed in Nov along with the tumor and one lymph node that it had spread to. Right after that she started having headaches. They found it had spread to her brain. The neurosurgeon decided on using the new cyberknife radiation. It was supposed to have little to no side affects. She had that for 5 straight days and went down hill from there. She was not even able to walk up stairs without help. It ended up being a bleed on her brain from the cyberknife. They tried steriods but it did not help. We finally convinced her to go the the ER on New Years Day. They said they would keep her for 24 hours but she never came home. She ended up having brain surgery to remove the now dead tumor and stop the bleed. By that point it had spread to her liver and pancreas. The worst part is for the weeks she was in the hospital she would hardly ever open her eyes. She would talk to us some and we basically forced her to eat. They kept telling us if she would just get her strength back then she could have chemo.

Finally they told us there was nothing else they could do for her and we had to take her to Hospice or home with Hospice care. I was so sick of seeing her lying there and the nurses not taking such great care of her. I wanted her to go to the hospice house since I had heard it was a wonderful place for patients and their families. She was only there a few days and she passed. I was with her when she died. She opened her eyes for a few minutes and looked so scared. She had been having heavy breathing all day. Her best friend made me stay by her and tell her it was ok to let go.It was ok to go see her Mom and Dad in heaven, that I would be ok. That my Dad and brother would be ok.

She was my best friend.

I have so many regrets. I did not spend the night with her once in January. I went every day but one. I was so scared to stay since she was so out of it most of the time. I guess I was chicken-I don't know. I had spent the night at the hospital with her when she had her lung surgery but then she could communicate with me and I could push her morphine pump for her.

I just feel so guilty.

I know exactly how you are feeling. How do you live without your Mother?

Mine wanted to be cremated. We had the service at her Catholic church and now wait to see where we will put her ashes.

Sorry, I needed to get all of that off my chest.

I wish I could tell you when it will get better. I am considering getting counseling-have you thought of that?

Hello,

I just found this message board while I was searching through my tears.

So...

I am a very lonely man right now. I lost my mother Jan. 24th, 2007 and things have been a crazy ride since. First of all, my mother had many health problems but always found the strength to fight through them. Jan. 12th ( I believe) is when things changed for the worse. She was getting out of bed, like she normally does and she lost her balance, fell and landed on her head. To make a long story short, this put her in emergency brain surgery and was in a coma for the next 2 weeks. Doctors were all saying they were confident she would wake up but it would just take time. So, that being said, here is Jan 24 and I received a call saying they were moving her to a rehab facility, literally 2 minutes from my house. This was exciting for many reasons but I was happy we as a family did not have to travel into boston and deal with the traffic, expenses and the long days. Being closer to us was much easier. On this day, I left work early to meet my mother at the rehab. I stopped home to change and my phone rang. It was my dad with the worst news I will ever hear. My mom didn't make it and had complications during the transfer. From that point on, I have not been the same.

It's been a process to say the least. Feelings of anger, guilt..the list goes on and on. At first I thought it was just me but after doing research on grieving, I'm learning that it's all very natural. That's good but if only it made it easier knowing that.

So anyway, last saturday I went to the cemetary for the first time and once again, I have not been the same since. This time I have fallen deeper into the hole of sadness. I feel so alone. Nobody knows what to say or do. I talk, they listen but they just don't really know what I feel like inside. I cry constantly. I'm a 30 year old man crying like a 1 day old baby. Sobbing and talking to my mom. This is by far the toughest battle of my life. One that I'm not sure I can overcome. Normally I feel I am a strong person and can move on but this has just left me feeling so devestated that I can't see the day when this gets easier.

My mother and I had a very special relationship. I was a troubled teen and with everything I put my parents through, they always stuck by me. My mom just had this way to make things better. During my bad years, she eventually got through to me and I changed my life around, slowly but surely. I always called my mom on the phone just to hear her voice, even if I had nothing to say. This is one aspect I am struggling greatly with. I miss calling and harassing her (or vice versa). I miss having her there whenever I wanted to talk to her or even see her. I really could go on and on but I'll wind it down now...

So, I'm miserable. I realize this is normal but I can't function with my life. It seems to be getting harder and harder each day, instead of getting better day to day. I want to work through this by myself but I think I might be better off seeing a professional. I do feel this spiraling out of control. I have bad thoughts sometimes, nothing I would act on but I do think life would be easier if I weren't here to deal with this. But that's not fair to my family, or myself. I'm just grieving, terribly. I will keep fighting and finding places to write about my feelings to help...somewhat anyway.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I just needed to let that out.

I love you mom!

[Guest Guest]

I just lost my Mother on January 30th.

Your email touched my heart. It is exactly how I have been feeling but not able to put into words.

I too want to believe she is in heaven and at peace. I too need help with my doubts. I do not blame God but worry I am losing faith. This is my first really loss. I am 37 and she was my best friend!

Thank you for putting my feelings into words.

Both of my parents died in 2005. I think I posted here when it first happened. My mom on March 18th and my dad on May 6th. I think I am only now starting to get it. And I am a total mess. I am turning 34 in less than a month. I just quit my job and decided to move out of the city, back home to where I am from. I simply cannot function in my life anymore. Two weeks ago I was suicidal and thought I'd have to be hospitalized. When my mom died, it was expected. I took one week off from work and kept it moving. My dad was a shocker, though, so I took a month off and I don't remember anything but being angry and really wired. But then I went back to work, got a promotion to a high stress job and soon after, left that job for an even more stressful job. At this point, I am walking away from my career and my life as I know it. I have to hit the reset button on my whole existence. And I have to take some time to grieve. I haven't done that.

I am crying like it's my job these days. I am talking to my parents more. I sit and have whole, one-sided conversations with my mom. I miss her so much that my body hurts. She drove me INSANE when she was alive. I avoided her and we were often angry with each other. When I talk to her now. I talk a lot about how much I wish we could have done things differently. I also talk a lot about forgiving both of us. We both always did the best we could.

I keep thinking: how could I have known that the first love I ever had - that parental love - was so exquisitely intense and consuming, so strong, that when it was gone, it would take a part of me with it? How could I know then, while they were here, that they were so connected to me that when I lost them, it would actually leave a mark on me? And how is the FACTS of their love supposed to make up for the loss of the ACTS of their love in my life? They were present and now I can’t even hear their voices. No matter how much I talk to my parents and no matter how much I try to make myself believe (Lord help my unbelief) that my parents still exist and are active in my life, the fact is, I couldn’t go see Dreamgirls with them. They would have loved that. I hate that!

I want my parents back.

[Guest Guest]

I have lost a brother to cancer he was 16yrs old and over the years 4 good friends of mine to a auto accident they all died in the same accident,and in 1997 i lost my best friend in an auto accident and in december 2006 I lost my father to heart failer and my mother currently is battling inoperable colon cancer.

I have experienced so much death in my life that now i accept it as a part of life itself. everything that lives unfortunately must die.If you think about it,we were all dead at one time and then we were born into life.

The best way i found how to deal with death is that i know one day i to will die. It's part of life.

[Guest Guest]

I will be 48 years old next month and I am a single mother to three children. By most standards I am considered an "adult" yet with the recent loss of my mom (January 27th) I feel like a small child again. I lost my dad almost four years ago and hadn't really completely gotten over that loss and now I've lost my mom. I know it sounds silly but I feel like I'm all alone in the world. Just like I would have felt had I lost her when I was a kid. Logically I know I've been the parent for a number of years now since she was 82 and was not doing well physically getting around and such.

I know I'm in a depressive state and she wouldn't want that for me. Yet I don't know how to turn it around and turn this into a positive thing. I don't know yet how to relish all that she taught me and to celebrate and embrace her life. Instead I wake up and simply go through the motions of life. I don't have simple joy in my heart.

I've been reading books on people who have had near death experiences just so I can try somehow to connect to what she might have gone through. I am trying to keep her house and buy my brother and sister out not only because I need a larger home with three children, but I feel like that is where my parent's spirits would visit if anywhere. Does all this sound unusual? Is it normal to feel like this? I wish I was my old self again. I just don't know how to get there.

[mofirefly]

Guest (post 46233) - What you are feeling is quite "normal" (I just don't like the word normal. But having lost both my parents 4 years apart I can understant somewhat your feelings of being alone. I think it would be nice to be able to live in the home of your parents...My mom was living in a small apartment after my dad passed away, and after the accident took mom, we moved a lot of her stuff into our house and it comforts me to have them all around me. Your loss is so recent that the fact that you don't have joy is of now surprise to me. I lost my mom almost 18 months ago, and to this day I have to work at being joyful...but it is something worth working towards. For now, you are just at the start of a journey that you have to unfortunately travel alone at your own pace...but please come to this site and share your feelings with others, as I strongly feel it is beneficial to both the person posting and to those who read the posts. You posted you wish you were your old self again, and it made me think - maybe the person you'll become will be a new and improved version - and I apologize it that is an out of place remark but I thought for some reason I should share it. (Maybe hoping it will cause you or someone else to get the humor for just a moment during all the pain). Please take care of yourself!

[novangel]

I've been reading books on people who have had near death experiences just so I can try somehow to connect to what she might have gone through.

Could you tell me what book this is?? I'm curious about people who have died momentarily myself. I think it will help me in some way.

Thanks.

[chicago]

I've been reading books on people who have had near death experiences just so I can try somehow to connect to what she might have gone through.

Could you tell me what book this is?? I'm curious about people who have died momentarily myself. I think it will help me in some way.

Thanks.

The book I am reading is called "The Journey Home" by Phillip Berman. I got it from my local library. There were a TON of books on near death experiences.

[chicago]

Thank you mofirefly for your response.

I guess more than anything I surprised by my reaction. I knew she was growing old so I expected to be better prepared emotionally. She was in the hospital for six days before her death. We spent hours upon hours with her. She had a respirator so she was never able to speak to us. She was in such pain. Her face would grimace with pain and tears would roll down her checks. The nurses did the best they could to manage her pain without letting her blood pressure go too low. One day she was really having a rough time of it and I sat holding her hand and staring out the small window. In my mind I begged, I'd like to say prayed, but it was truly more begging, if God and my dad could hear me they HAD to help stop her pain. This begging went on for what seemed like five, ten, maybe 15 minutes and suddenly a nurse came in and out of no where said she was going to give her a muscle relaxer. A muscle relaxer?? I was thinking a shot of herione at this point! : ) Within three minutes my mother relaxed, and peacefully went to sleep. My prayer had been answered.

We eventually made the decision to remove her respirator and have the morphine increased so she would die. The hospital staff worked really well with us. They took off all the monitoring systems so I sat with my finger on her pulse for one and a half hours. At last I felt her final heartbeat. Even today I can't type that without choking up. How much sadder does it get than that? Your own mother.

The next day as my sister and I went through a few of her belongings I found an old wooden decorative box in her room. I opened it and there was a small note jotted down from her written in 1991. It said, "This box used to be your grandmother's. I want Yvonne (me) to have it when I am gone". Two of the items inside the box was by baby hospital ID bracelett and her hospital mom ID bracelett that they make you wear when you have a baby. Because I'm old : ) the baby bracelett was beaded - something unheard of in today's world. I had to quickly shut the box because it was WAY too emotional for me especially with the handwritten note. I've yet to open it and am not sure when I will have the strength again to do so.

Sorry for the rambling - it helps me to tell someone the thoughts that are in my mind.

[mofirefly]

Chicago - What a beautiful item to come across - the box containing your and your moms braclets. I can only imagine how emotional the moment was, but it will be something to treasure. I sat with my dad until he stopped breathing, he'd been ill for sometime and in a nursing home for almost two years...it was something I couldn't do with my mom as she died as a result of a car accident. When I read of others being with their moms I'm torn because I sometimes wish I'd been able to say goodbye to her, but I'm also relieved that I didn't have to see her suffer in any way. Hope you are doing ok, remember to breathe deeply, it helps.

[chicago]

Thanks! It was very thoughtful of her to put the box aside. I'm sure she just innocently wrote the little note, tucked it away and never gave it another thought. Not realizing how much emotion would be tied in to it some day.

I'm so sorry about your mom. Tragic yes, but as you said at least she didn't suffer needlessly.

Thanks for your response.

[hdebbie7]

Hello everyone, I have just come across this site and it is so reasuring to find other people wanting to talk about their losses. I had my own hair and beauty business which i sold last april, and within 2 weeks my Dad was showing signs of not feeling himself. Eight weeks later and lots of hospital visits and going from 13 stone to 7 stone he died of Lung Cancer on the 19th June 06 at the age of 67..I was so relieved i had sold my business so i could be there for my mum and dad when they needed me. The heartache was indescribable, we managed to nurse him at home till the end and he died with my mum and myself by his side. Since June i havn't even thought about going back to work as my mum had needed me so much, she just couldn't live without him. They had been together since she was 15. I stayed at mums for 3 mths and then slowly started to come home for the odd night, but visited her everyday, we done everything together.

Mum put on a brave face but i knew it was only for show. On New years eve 6mths and 1 week since my dad died, mum died in her car on her way to mine for dinner.

I knew something was wrong as i had spoken to her at 12 midday and she said she would be with me by 1.30 for dinner at 2. By 1.50 i started to get stressed, tried ringing her and then decided to go and look for her. She only lived 10 mins down the road from me, but i knew something was wrong. I came across 2 abulances 1mile from her house. She was dead. She had a heart attack at the wheel and the car had rolled over and landed in a hedge.She was 62. Im numb , im just 44 but feel like a child, i feel like an orphan. My mum and dad were my life and since April i had devoted every minuite of the day to them. I dont know what to do with myself now. Im lost so lost and so very lonely. I am not an only child but my brother lives across seas and my sister is aiming her grief at me in anger because i was with them all the time. Their house was our family home as a child and its so difficult to think its going to go. I miss them so much. By the way i live in Wales uk.

[mofirefly]

Hdebbie7 - Your post is heartbreaking. The losses you have had and the manner in which they occured. I do hope coming to this site brings you some form of comfort, even if it is just to put your thoughts down somewhere. I truly wish there were words to say that could help, but unfortunately there aren't. Just try to take each day (moment) one step at a time, because right now you are numb, both physically and mentally...it seems to be the way our bodies keep us from feeling the pain even more. Try not to let how your brother/sister are behaving to cause you more pain, as you can tell from others posts, each person deals with loss very differently and at their own pace. Just know that you loved your parents and they loved you and my husband has told me that I am not an orphan, because to him an orphan is someone whose parents abandoned them I guess, and he knows as do I that my parents are still very much a part of me. Please take care!

[gbear123]

I know how you feel I also lost my mother Dec 25th to a massive stroke. I miss her everyday and I always think about her. It was also hard for me, I am thirty two years old and never thought this would happen now at this time of my life. I feel I need her the most now, and she is not here!

But step by step, day by day, I am beginning to feel better. I also decided to start seeing a therapist as well to deal with how I feel and I think it was a good decision so far.

Message boards like these also help I think.

Keep posting and letting us know how you feel!

P.S. to my mom: I love you MOM !!!

Hello,

I just found this message board while I was searching through my tears.

So...

I am a very lonely man right now. I lost my mother Jan. 24th, 2007 and things have been a crazy ride since. First of all, my mother had many health problems but always found the strength to fight through them. Jan. 12th ( I believe) is when things changed for the worse. She was getting out of bed, like she normally does and she lost her balance, fell and landed on her head. To make a long story short, this put her in emergency brain surgery and was in a coma for the next 2 weeks. Doctors were all saying they were confident she would wake up but it would just take time. So, that being said, here is Jan 24 and I received a call saying they were moving her to a rehab facility, literally 2 minutes from my house. This was exciting for many reasons but I was happy we as a family did not have to travel into boston and deal with the traffic, expenses and the long days. Being closer to us was much easier. On this day, I left work early to meet my mother at the rehab. I stopped home to change and my phone rang. It was my dad with the worst news I will ever hear. My mom didn't make it and had complications during the transfer. From that point on, I have not been the same.

It's been a process to say the least. Feelings of anger, guilt..the list goes on and on. At first I thought it was just me but after doing research on grieving, I'm learning that it's all very natural. That's good but if only it made it easier knowing that.

So anyway, last saturday I went to the cemetary for the first time and once again, I have not been the same since. This time I have fallen deeper into the hole of sadness. I feel so alone. Nobody knows what to say or do. I talk, they listen but they just don't really know what I feel like inside. I cry constantly. I'm a 30 year old man crying like a 1 day old baby. Sobbing and talking to my mom. This is by far the toughest battle of my life. One that I'm not sure I can overcome. Normally I feel I am a strong person and can move on but this has just left me feeling so devestated that I can't see the day when this gets easier.

My mother and I had a very special relationship. I was a troubled teen and with everything I put my parents through, they always stuck by me. My mom just had this way to make things better. During my bad years, she eventually got through to me and I changed my life around, slowly but surely. I always called my mom on the phone just to hear her voice, even if I had nothing to say. This is one aspect I am struggling greatly with. I miss calling and harassing her (or vice versa). I miss having her there whenever I wanted to talk to her or even see her. I really could go on and on but I'll wind it down now...

So, I'm miserable. I realize this is normal but I can't function with my life. It seems to be getting harder and harder each day, instead of getting better day to day. I want to work through this by myself but I think I might be better off seeing a professional. I do feel this spiraling out of control. I have bad thoughts sometimes, nothing I would act on but I do think life would be easier if I weren't here to deal with this. But that's not fair to my family, or myself. I'm just grieving, terribly. I will keep fighting and finding places to write about my feelings to help...somewhat anyway.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I just needed to let that out.

I love you mom!

[chicago]

HDebbie7 - I'm so sorry for you loss. I can so relate to your feelings of being an orphan. I almost feel ashamed for feeling this way! I am an adult with children of mine own and have been living out on my own for many years now....yet.....still....I feel like I am five years old.

Is there any way to keep your parent's home within your family? Buy out your brother and sister? Rent it out? I will be trying to do this myself as I just can't imagine anyone else in their house and I feel very possessive over it. It will be a bit of challenge since the house is more than I can afford but I feel if it is meant to be, so it will be.

Keep coming back to the board to share your thoughts. I have found in my life, there is power in numbers.

[iamsosad]

I lost my dad 3 years ago, and I suddenly lost my mom 1 month ago. They were both only in their 60s. I lost my dad to cancer and it was horrible. I lost my mom to a stroke (she was always healthy and active) she was my best friend.

I've watched both my parents take their last breath and I've buried them both and now I feel so incredibly alone. I do have a family of my own, but my parents, my mom especially, was involved in every aspect of my life....now- even though I am surrounded by people- I feel so alone and my heart aches.

[chicago]

Iamsosad - The time frame that your parents passed away is very close to mine. My dad died three and half years ago and my mom died one month ago yesterday.

I'm trying to make some sort of peace with it because I know they would be so upset if they knew how sad I am in my heart. One thing that has helped me was I went to my local library and looked up books on people who had near death experiences and what it was like for them. I chose one book that looked good and have been reading it. Across the board it seems passing away, even for just a short time was a very positive experience. This gives me some hope that I'm the only one moping around with this. They might very well be in a wonderful place right now.

When my dad died and my son who was five years old at the time and I were driving to the airport to pick up my sister for the funeral, he asked me if when we die do we start life over again as a baby. I'd never thought of that and I found it an interesting question. I truly hope that is the case. It would give me great pleasure to think both of my parents are dressed in ducky pajamas with feet in them cozy in a cradle somewhere. : ) Just a thought -

[Guest Guest]

Iamsosad - The time frame that your parents passed away is very close to mine. My dad died three and half years ago and my mom died one month ago yesterday.

I'm trying to make some sort of peace with it because I know they would be so upset if they knew how sad I am in my heart. One thing that has helped me was I went to my local library and looked up books on people who had near death experiences and what it was like for them. I chose one book that looked good and have been reading it. Across the board it seems passing away, even for just a short time was a very positive experience. This gives me some hope that I'm the only one moping around with this. They might very well be in a wonderful place right now.

When my dad died and my son who was five years old at the time and I were driving to the airport to pick up my sister for the funeral, he asked me if when we die do we start life over again as a baby. I'd never thought of that and I found it an interesting question. I truly hope that is the case. It would give me great pleasure to think both of my parents are dressed in ducky pajamas with feet in them cozy in a cradle somewhere. : ) Just a thought -

[Guest Guest]

My dad was sick for 2 months. He was in the hospital for phemonia and then bleeding ulcers and during all this he began to suffer from renal failure. On 12/9/06, my mom, my brother and me planned his funeral. Respectful and sad..we planned it. On 12/11/06 my mother suddenly and swiftly passed away from a massive heartattack and the loss has been utterly devastating. We had too tell my dad the next day that his beloved wife of 46 years died quickly and with no pain...He passed away 8 days later in hospice. Today I continue to grieve my parents but my mother is where my heart lays the heaviest. I wasn't and will never accept such a great loss to me being her only daughter and her best friend. I know that in time the pain will subside but in the meantime...I struggle with the loss of my lovely mother and my wonderful father...oh, how i miss them.

[Guest Guest]

My dad was sick for 2 months. He was in the hospital for phemonia and then bleeding ulcers and during all this he began to suffer from renal failure. On 12/9/06, my mom, my brother and me planned his funeral. Respectful and sad..we planned it. On 12/11/06 my mother suddenly and swiftly passed away from a massive heartattack and the loss has been utterly devastating. We had too tell my dad the next day that his beloved wife of 46 years died quickly and with no pain...He passed away 8 days later in hospice. Today I continue to grieve my parents but my mother is where my heart lays the heaviest. I wasn't and will never accept such a great loss to me being her only daughter and her best friend. I know that in time the pain will subside but in the meantime...I struggle with the loss of my lovely mother and my wonderful father...oh, how i miss them.

[Guest Guest]

MY FATHER DIED A YEAR AGO.IM 38 YEARS OLD AND THIS HAS BEEN VERY HRD ON ME.HE WAS FIGHTING CANCER FOR A YEAR. HIS LAST 4 MONTHS OF HIS LIFE MY CHILDREN AND I SPENT IT WITH HIM. I WATCHED MY DAD TAKE HIS LAST BREATHS. AND IT JUST RIPPED ME APART.EVERY DAY IS A STRUGLE.IF IT WAS NOT FOR MY KIDS IM NOT TO SURE HOW IT WOULD BE.IM SO SAD AND CRY ALL THE TIME. PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME AS TIME GOES BY IT GETS EASIER AND I KNOW FOR MRIT HAS GOTTON WORSE.I DONT LIKE TO TALK TO MY SISTER OUR BROTHER ABOUT IT,BECAUSE I KNOW ITS STILL HARD FOR THEM.

[Guest Guest]

Hello everyone, I lost my mother last saturday, March 3rd. It hurts so bad to not have those moments back that we shared and even more so the moments that I didn't take advantage of. My mother died of an asthma attack, she awoke that morning and told my brother who lived with her that she was sick and needed to get to the hospital. Going to the hospital was pretty much routine for my mom, but this time it wasn't. Her heart stopped beating on the way to the hospital and the brought her back. We were optimistic, a few hours later, it was final, my mother was not coming back. It shocked me!!! I always wondered how children dealt with the lost of a parent, and know I guess I know. I have this big empty feeling in my stomach and I'm in pain because I keep thinking about the times, I should have called my mother or been around, last time we spoke I was brief and that's killing me! However, these last couple of years were good, we went to the movies together, the mall, dinner, Jamaica, which was her first time ever on an airplane. I just wish I had more time, to me, its like, like has no purpose, I'm so empty not being able to get her back.

[Guest Guest]

sorry for my spelling errors...I was typing faster than I was thinking.

[Guest Guest]

I am new here. A friend thought I should seek help about my grieving, like it's the flu. It'll be 4 years in May since my mom left me. I am so angry at her. I still cry myself to sleep. It's hard to talk about. I read all the messages and I know I am not alone. That's a little comforting.

I hope that we can find some peace. Some days I don't... I think I deserve the pain cause of the guilt. I thought there is always tomorrow, but outr tomorrow never came.

[nickche]

Dear Guest,

I lost my father on Jan. 23rd and can relate to what you say about wishing you had taken advantage of more time together. I try to remember the last time I saw my dad fully alive (he was in and out of consciousness for 3 weeks after his stroke)and I wish I would have been more attentive to him. I feel guilt for the times I could have spent more time with him or listened more. Since it has been less than two months for me since I lost my dad I am no expert on grief. I only know it helps to share with others. Let yourself ride the waves of grief as it will change many times even in one day from guilt to sadness to numbness to acceptance to denial and back to guilt again. Sometimes I even feel somewhat normal. Today I was trying to remember the memorial service and who was there. It is all a blur to me as I think I was just on auto pilot that day.

Please take care of yourself and know that we are all here for the same reason. We have lost someone very dear to us. This site has helped me as I feel I can share some true feelings that I could not with others who are close to me.

[mofirefly]

Guest (who lost mom March 3) - Your feelings of empty and wishing you had more time with her are similar to many of us on this site. But please try to realize that life does have purpose...it's just that right now you are in so much pain you probably are having a hard enough time just getting thru daily routine stuff. Come to these message boards anytime to share your thoughts as it can be very helpful. Meanwhile, just try to concentrate on all the wonderful times you and your mom had. Take care.

[skiblu]

Dear Guest,

I lost my father on Jan. 23rd and can relate to what you say about wishing you had taken advantage of more time together. I try to remember the last time I saw my dad fully alive (he was in and out of consciousness for 3 weeks after his stroke)and I wish I would have been more attentive to him. I feel guilt for the times I could have spent more time with him or listened more. Since it has been less than two months for me since I lost my dad I am no expert on grief. I only know it helps to share with others. Let yourself ride the waves of grief as it will change many times even in one day from guilt to sadness to numbness to acceptance to denial and back to guilt again. Sometimes I even feel somewhat normal. Today I was trying to remember the memorial service and who was there. It is all a blur to me as I think I was just on auto pilot that day.

Please take care of yourself and know that we are all here for the same reason. We have lost someone very dear to us. This site has helped me as I feel I can share some true feelings that I could not with others who are close to me.

[skiblu]

Dear Guest,

I lost my father on Jan. 23rd and can relate to what you say about wishing you had taken advantage of more time together. I try to remember the last time I saw my dad fully alive (he was in and out of consciousness for 3 weeks after his stroke)and I wish I would have been more attentive to him. I feel guilt for the times I could have spent more time with him or listened more. Since it has been less than two months for me since I lost my dad I am no expert on grief. I only know it helps to share with others. Let yourself ride the waves of grief as it will change many times even in one day from guilt to sadness to numbness to acceptance to denial and back to guilt again. Sometimes I even feel somewhat normal. Today I was trying to remember the memorial service and who was there. It is all a blur to me as I think I was just on auto pilot that day.

Please take care of yourself and know that we are all here for the same reason. We have lost someone very dear to us. This site has helped me as I feel I can share some true feelings that I could not with others who are close to me.

[skiblu]

thank you, Nickche, for your kind words. I know what you mean about sharing your feelings. I was surprised that I even wrote anything. But I kinda felt compelled. It was like what am feeling is "normal" everyone thinks I need to "get over it " already. How do you get over it.

You say to ride the waves of grief. What does that mean. I am too afraid to show my feelings. I cry when I am alone. No one will understand. My sisters think I'm crazy, my mom was sick for a long while, they felt like we knew she was going so it shouldn't have been that hard. I feel like happened just yesterday. I don't know why they can understand? Maybe I am crazy...

[nickche]

Skiblu,

You are not crazy. You are experiencing grief. There are so many emotions involved. When I said ride the waves of grief I meant to accept what you are feeling and experiencing as normal. I too express my sorrow a lot in private but I think that is o.k. as long as I can let it out. My husband, friends and even my siblings don't understand what I am going through as it is different for each of us as it is for you. Yesterday my husband told me to quit feeling sorry for myself. That hurt and I became angry. After I expressed my anger, saying a few things I probably shouldn't have I felt better. He apologized later and I think will be a little more sensitive toward me. It is difficult for those who care about us as they don't understand or know what to do at times.

One day, one hour even one minute at a time sometimes as our emotions can change frequently. Praying for strength also helps.

Take care of yourself. We will get through this.

[skiblu]

i don't know normal anymore, nickche. normal left when my mom left. She took everything. I don't know if i'll ever get it back, no joy or happiness. I don't know how to feel them anymore. I don't know what emotions i am feeling. just a dull, nauseating pain. no one understands. I'm tired of the "she's in a better place" i want her here. I am grown with kids of my one but i still want my mom !!!! i don't want to hear from my friends. They all have mom's. they can never know what i'm going thru til happens on them I so don't wish this on my worst enemy. This pain is so excruciating. My sister says it's in my head. no it's not, i feel it everyday.

I want her here. I read "for one more day" by Mitch Albom--i cried all through it. I want one more day--i want to tell her i love her. I did't mean to push her away. Let me do it over again. Please i'll do it right. I'll tell her i love her everyday.

I called her to ask the name of an old Bett Davis movie. She wasn't there. I called to vent about my kids, she wasn't there. Why did you leave me? why didn't you take better care of yourself? you could've controlled the diabetes. you choose to let it control you. I don't want to forgive her. I want to be mad. the anger takes away the pain. I feel abandoned by her.

my sisters sometimes dream about her. what about me. why doesn't she come see me? i miss her so much. I pray every night for peace. When will I get it, it's three freakin years. I know i should forgive if i want to be forgiven but i can't. I am selfish i want her back. I was not ready to let her go. I want her to hug me and tell me it going to be ok. i want to go fishing-i won't be scared of the worm. i want to go to the show and i won't tell you to be queit when you ask "what they say". Please just let her come back...

[Edmund]

hi everyone, it's been a while; i hope people are hanging in. just getting over my St.Patrick's day breakdown. it was a big holiday for us as Mom was from galway; i have her holiday greeting on my voice mail & will probably keep it forever. 3/22 was the 7th month since Mom died & i still cry, esp. @ nite when i look @ pictures. i thought spring would help but it doesn't seem to.i guess we're all in the same sad boat. remember to pray for each other...ed

[Guest Guest]

I have finally decided I needed to find some support other than from my family.Im 42 years old and lost my father Nov.2005 and my mother 4 months after that March last year.I am the youngest of 5 girls and we are a really close family.But I had a much closer bond with my parents,especially my mother,I read your replies and some of them I could written myself.I ask myself everyday how could she leave me and my kids that loved her so much? I never went one day of my entire life without talking to my mother.She wasnt just my mother,she was my best friend,my confidant,my life.When she died,so did a large part of who I am.I dont know how to live in a world without her.I loved my daddy just as much and miss him just as much,but we didnt have the same type of closeness.God,as I write this tears are streaming down my face,I cry every day,several times a day,I talk to them,I get angry and I still feel like that little girl that was so scared her mom was going to die.My parents had me late in life,they were 41 when I was born,so my sisters kids are all grown,my parents left mine when they werent but 14 and 8.They will never see them grow up and my kids were so close to them.My parents also loved my husband very much and it hurts to see them having left him as well,his dad died when he was 10 and his mom well,she isnt even a mom to him,so my parents were like his own.I just dont know how much more pain and sadness I can endure from this.I dreaded my whole life my parents dying and my mom knew that,She always told me that it wouldnt be as bad as I thought,but for once my wonderful mother was wrong.Im sorry this is so long and I feel all of your pain so much,thanks for reading this.I pray I can find some solace here.

[mofirefly]

Guest - I'm glad you found this forum...but at the same time, sorry you had to. You're just starting your second year of loss, and I believe it can be a lot harder than the first because the shock has worn off, plus we've all heard how things are suppose to be better after the first year, and when you realize that things are just the same it can be hard to deal with. I lost my dad Feb 2001 after a long fight with Parkinson's, but than I lost my mom Sept 2005 in a car accident. There are many posts for those who were close to their dads and also their moms, but losing my mom was the worst possibly because there was no warning per se. Come here as often as you need to, it's a great place to seek advice, vent your emotions, and then of course, cry like there's no end in sight, but I will add that the crushing burden does become easier to bear and at some point you can start to rejoin daily life without the constant feelings of loss. Take Care!

[pookiepoo64]

thank you for the reply.Im sorry for your loss,I also of course have heard that the 1st year is the worst,but I dont agree,the first year you are in some kind of denial and then the 2nd year it starts to really sink in that they are truly gone ,gone forever.I know the stages of grieving,but I dont think we all go through them,they arent textbook.My sisters are all grieving too,but only one of them,the oldest seems to be having as hard a time as I am.I used to have very strong spiritual feelings,but for the past 3 years,I have none,which also makes me losing my parents so much harder I think.I would give anything to know that they are somewhere wonderful and I will see them again,but I just dont believe anymore.

[mofirefly]

Pookiepoo64 - There really isn't a textbook that can put into words what loss does to a person since it treats each of us so very differently, the book would be too large to be of any good. You mentioned you once had stron spiritual feelings but right now you don't. May I suggest you try to think about what happened to cause those feelings to disappear, or to at least try to remember what they felt like, as it may bring you much more comfort than you could ever imagine. I hope to see you post again as you need to, but for now just remember that there are others who care about your feelings and will be here to offer as much support as possible. Need to get off line, another round of storms is coming in. Take Care!

[Guest Guest]

This is actually the first time I've ever used a forum but I'm having a very difficult evening. I lost both of my parents who were on vacation to a car accident that was caused by a carless tractor trailer driver approx 3 1/2 weeks ago. I take solace in the fact that they went together since they were such good friends, always together, but it's definitely giving me anxiety and a feeling of just being overhwelmed at times. I know it's still early for me, but the fog has definitely started to lift and I just get hit up at times with sadness, anxiety, etc. Part of me feels like I'm going to lose my mind so I have already started the process of getting in touch with a Professional. Any good books anyone can recommend? I am an avid reader and actually went through another tragedy 8 years ago (boyfriend committed suicide and I got to find him)--reading really really helped me through that and, of course, my parents as well. Now, it's very different...I feel somewhat alone--i have one older sister but she just doesn't seem to be as compassionate as I am although I know everyone deals differently. My Dad always told me I had the heart--good as gold. I have no children but I do have a very supportive boyfriend. Any good suggestions on reading would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[Guest Guest]

This is actually the first time I've ever used a forum but I'm having a very difficult evening. I lost both of my parents who were on vacation to a car accident that was caused by a carless tractor trailer driver approx 3 1/2 weeks ago. I take solace in the fact that they went together since they were such good friends, always together, but it's definitely giving me anxiety and a feeling of just being overhwelmed at times. I know it's still early for me, but the fog has definitely started to lift and I just get hit up at times with sadness, anxiety, etc. Part of me feels like I'm going to lose my mind so I have already started the process of getting in touch with a Professional. Any good books anyone can recommend? I am an avid reader and actually went through another tragedy 8 years ago (boyfriend committed suicide and I got to find him)--reading really really helped me through that and, of course, my parents as well. Now, it's very different...I feel somewhat alone--i have one older sister but she just doesn't seem to be as compassionate as I am although I know everyone deals differently. My Dad always told me I had the heart--good as gold. I have no children but I do have a very supportive boyfriend. Any good suggestions on reading would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[mofirefly]

Guest - I don't know of a book right now, but if I go searching and find one I'll be sure to post the title. I can't believe how you've lost your parents. I lost only my mom in a car accident (my dad passed away from illness) and I can't begin to imagine how I would have dealt with both of them - but as you say, it is a bit comforting knowing they were together. Feeling like you are losing your mind seems to go with the territory of feeling so much pain over losing those we loved so very much. Until you find some books to devour - please come to these sites as there are many others who are going thru loss and their words can provide support and insight to what you yourself are feeling. But remember that each person handles this pain in their own way and at their own speed - there are no rules on how to behave or when to get better. I hope you have people around you to help you at this time of sorrow. Take care.

[kathyanne]

Guest,

I'm so sorry for your loss and can't imagine what you're going through. I lost my Dad on this day last year and am barely getting by so I really feel for you. There are two books that I bought that I found helpful - one is "Life After Loss" (Bob Diets) and the other is "How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies" (Therese A. Rando). "Life After Loss" to me is the better of the two because it described the various stages of grief that most people experience and the feelings associated with certain times in the process. The past few days I've been a blubbering wreck but the book helped me see that the feelings on the first year anniversary are often as intense as those right after the loss... I thought I was going crazy until I read that. I hope that helps a little bit.

Kathy

[Guest Guest]

This is where i need to be. i am so overwhelm right now, I'll wait to post. but to read what others have written is like them telling my story that has not been told

[Guest Guest]

Hi. I lost my Dad 25 days ago. He was one of the most important people in life. I don 't think I have totally accepted that he is gone forever yet. My Mom was very dependant upon my Dad. She does not drive and I am the closest child to her, so I happily take the place of doing whatever she may need. I love my Dad so much and need him so much, yet do not want to show this to Mom because I know she needs me. I feel like the backbone to my life is gone. I have no one to lean on no matter what anymore. I have to be a backbone now, and I need to make my Dad proud. But I need him so very much. I am so very sad but cannot express nor share that with my family. I love my Daddy so much. I want him back. I await each day to wake up and this all has been a very bad dream. I love and need my Daddy so very much.

[Guest Guest]

My mother took her own life two years ago on Febuary 28. The last two years of her life we only talked twice, she got really messed up on pills and became a different person. Before the pills she was my best friend, I loved her so much and I feel like a real jerk for not talking to her at the end of her life and unfortunantley I will half to deal with this guilt for the rest of mine. She was a good mama before the pills, they made her so weak. My mom was a strong woman before all of this but her body and mind witherd to nothing at the end and it really sucks because thats how my baby 3 sisters will always remember her.

[Guest Guest]

This is actually the first time I've ever used a forum but I'm having a very difficult evening. I lost both of my parents who were on vacation to a car accident that was caused by a carless tractor trailer driver approx 3 1/2 weeks ago. I take solace in the fact that they went together since they were such good friends, always together, but it's definitely giving me anxiety and a feeling of just being overhwelmed at times. I know it's still early for me, but the fog has definitely started to lift and I just get hit up at times with sadness, anxiety, etc. Part of me feels like I'm going to lose my mind so I have already started the process of getting in touch with a Professional. Any good books anyone can recommend? I am an avid reader and actually went through another tragedy 8 years ago (boyfriend committed suicide and I got to find him)--reading really really helped me through that and, of course, my parents as well. Now, it's very different...I feel somewhat alone--i have one older sister but she just doesn't seem to be as compassionate as I am although I know everyone deals differently. My Dad always told me I had the heart--good as gold. I have no children but I do have a very supportive boyfriend. Any good suggestions on reading would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[Guest Guest]

Hello - I read with sadness your details - it must have been fate? - I have just lost my Mum and Dad on the 25th March 2007 to a car accident. My father died instantly and my Mother was critically injured and I and my sister had the task of turning off her life support system a few hrs later. To loose two people in a matter of hrs apart is devestating. I cannot understand how you feel however I know how lost and numb I feel. I also have never written or replied to any of these sites before.

My days are still very much a blur and I am lucky to have the support of a loving husband and teenage daughter and son.

I know I need professional help as I also have had prior grief and this is all too much to bear. I counted up the deaths over the last 35 yrs and they add up to 38 - some my own, family, friends, work collegues, neighbours.

This has knocked me for six and I feel very alone. I was meant to care for my parents and help in their old age = not bury them My sister wants to move on - I want to grieve. We are so different and I guess that its also because she is like my father and I like my mother. Our personalities are very different but the circumstances bond us. I am not ready to let go of my grief its all too raw. Tears are dropping as I type - time to go for now

If I find a good book I will write

solemate

This is actually the first time I've ever used a forum but I'm having a very difficult evening. I lost both of my parents who were on vacation to a car accident that was caused by a carless tractor trailer driver approx 3 1/2 weeks ago. I take solace in the fact that they went together since they were such good friends, always together, but it's definitely giving me anxiety and a feeling of just being overhwelmed at times. I know it's still early for me, but the fog has definitely started to lift and I just get hit up at times with sadness, anxiety, etc. Part of me feels like I'm going to lose my mind so I have already started the process of getting in touch with a Professional. Any good books anyone can recommend? I am an avid reader and actually went through another tragedy 8 years ago (boyfriend committed suicide and I got to find him)--reading really really helped me through that and, of course, my parents as well. Now, it's very different...I feel somewhat alone--i have one older sister but she just doesn't seem to be as compassionate as I am although I know everyone deals differently. My Dad always told me I had the heart--good as gold. I have no children but I do have a very supportive boyfriend. Any good suggestions on reading would be much appreciated. Thank you.

[angels4me]

Dearest Guest,

I read your message in regards to losing both your parents due to such careless driver. I can only imagine the pain that fills your heart and soul at this difficult time in your life.

I too lost both my parents very close together, but not on the same day. My mom passed away on Nov 12, 99, and my dad died at home on Feb 28, 01. In between the two of them passing away my 31 yr old niece (who lived with me all her life, and was like my baby sister) passed away suddenly while working out at the gym on Dec 4, 00. Losing the three of them withing a 15 month time period caused the memories of losing my first son years eariler to resurface, and I went into a deep deep depression. I eventually had to seek out some form of professional help for myself, and I was also medicated for the depression.

During the time that I was seeing my Therapist (still do but not as often) a friend of mine sent me a book called "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. Reading her book brought such great comfort, and helped me so so much. As I was reading this book I discovered that she had also written another book titled "Grieving the Loss of a Loved One" Both these book are beautifully written, and come from a woman who truly understands our pain. I would highly recommend both book to whoever has been through the loss of a parent or child.

If you'd like to know more about this Author, then here is a link to her website. I hope it helps you and everyone else who's hearts have been crushed by the loss of a precious loved one.

http://www.hopelifters.com/index.shtml

Until we speak again, please take care of yourself, and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Peggy & angel Alex.

[Guest Guest]

i guess when you are 53 years of age you realize just how precious life is and you are reaching that age when the grim reaper can snatch you any time. my mome died in july jjjjust before the 9/11 bombings. i am the weakest sibling of three . emotion issues. dont get along with sister and brother. day before my my died they ganging up on me to move out. when she was actively dying i couldnt stand to be in the same room with them because they did that. ididnt get to say goodbye. here it is almost 6 years latermy dad dies.world turned up side down brother and sister are actively tyrying to kick me out of the house now. my dad gave up on lifewhen my mom died. i know why he gave up. i am being faced with the same issues. i have guilt. i became his care giver. i dont think i did very well. i feel guilt about his illness. last summer he seemed over all to be failing i tired to get him to go to the doctor it was always tomorrow for a answer. i should have forced the issue he might be alive now. my brother asked him to go livewith him. i should have let him go but if i had brother would have kicked me out of the house. again he might still be alive if i had. i have my own health issues. severe high blood pressure severe swelling in my legs. this going to sound strang but i havent been getting it treated dont intend to i guess i want to join my mom and dad. so i expect the grom reaper to pay me a visit.

[mofirefly]

Guest - You have been thru quite a lot, but please don't give up now...53 is NOT the age for the grim reaper to take control. I'm not clear on the issue of being kicked out of the house, because if you're living there that must account for something...and even if the house is to now belong to you, your sister and brother, they should have a legal right to kick you out. You might go for a free conseltation with a lawyer. As for your own health - you should have a physical as many of the things your mention can be controlled with medication...just please don't give up. Come back to these boards and get some support to help you get thru this. Take care!