Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents


cmr312

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 711
  • Created
  • Last Reply
  • Members
My mother died on September 22, 2005. She had a heart attack. She was only 54. This is what happened, according to my brother and sister:

My mom had not been feeling well for a few days. She was leaving work early so she could go home and rest. On the night she died, she was sitting at home with my sister and her two small children. My mother suddenly grabbed her chest and said, "Call 911!". My sister did so, but she was so scared, she couldn't move. "Put your hand on my chest!" my mom called to her, but she was rooted in front of the telephone and couldn't move. The ambulance workers finally made it to the house, and as they carried my mom out of the house, she asked my sister to come with her. My sister couldn't, because the two kids were in the bathtub. The ambulance workers worked on my mom for 30 minutes in the rige-right outside the front door. My sister dried off and dressed the kids, and called a cousin for a ride to the hospital. By the time my sister got to the hospital, she was told my mom had died. My brother was at the hospital when she was pronounced dead.

I live in New York, and so I had no idea all of this was going on. I was sitting on my livingroom sofa, watching "ER", when my brother called. I knew from the tone of his voice that something was very, very wrong. He said, "Mom passed away. She had a heart attack." Just like that. I was in shock, and told him I'd call him back. I hung up the phone, then called my boyfriend. I broke down on the phone. He dressed quickly, then came over to console me in my grief.

I feel a lot of guilt. I should have known she was sick. I should have been there for her. I should have been a better daughter. She was always asking me to move back to California, and I should have listened. Maybe she'd still be alive if I had.

I miss her so much. Some days are better than others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My Mother passed away on October 28th 2005 a day before my Father's birthday. she had been in the hospital that week and had an openheart scheduled in two weeks. The cardiologist had sent her home on Thursday, Oct. 27th to rest up for the surgery. My mother was ready to have her arotic valve replaced, but i do know that she was concerned of not making it.

On that Wednesday I had spent the day with her in the hospital, helped her shower, gave her massages, did her hair. I had NO idea that would be the last time I would see her smiling face and her say..."I love you , sweetheart". ON Friday morning I recieved a call from my sister telling me that Mom had passed away in her sleep, around 5am. My Father had woke up at 6am and rolled over only to find that his worst nightmare had come true.

There is four daughters in our family, I am the youngest at 30. We have an extremely CLOSE family, thanks to our Mother. She was the HUB, the ROCK! I am trying to deal with day to day life. I hear her voice in my head, makes me feel crazy. I keep hearing "Be strong sweetheart, everything will be alright".

I am not sure how our family will get past this, or even be able to cope with her not being here, but I have to believe that she is watching over us and telling us to continue to embrace life, to carry on the traditions that she had set forth. My Mother was a beautiful soul with a weak heart. She had a light about her that just made you say "WOW". I will hold you forever in my dreams and in my thoughts... When I have my first child she will be there , I will feel her encouragement. I LOVE YOU MOM, FLY HAPPY, FLY STRONG!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so sorry to here about your mom. My father passed away Oct. 21, 2005. I know how you are feeling. I just keep living that day over and over again in my head. I was taking my kids to school and my mom call me on the phone and says they are working on your dad, and of coarse I was like what do you mean. I was at the hospital withen 15 minutes. When I got to the hospital my mom said they were working on him, but she knew he hadn\'t made it even before the doctor came in and told us. My dad had a massive heartattach, he died at work. He never had a heart problem (so we thought). He had just had a physical, everything was fine. I will tell you what gets me through a lot some of the days is I do a lot of praying and I keep in my that my dad is now an angel and he is now watching over us. It doesn\'t take the pain away, but by me knowing where he is, it does help me get through the day. My family and I are close, and I tell my mom together we will get through this. I just know my dad, he was loving caring, and would do anything for anyone and he will be missed by family and friends. but with the kind of spirit he had As my nine year old says I bet Papoo is jumping from cloud to cloud. I just really wish I knew what to do for my mom, I am hurting, but I feel I have to be strong not only for her but for my 3 girls. Anyway you look at it, it is hard and its just not fair.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

missingher ~

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother on June 9th of this year to a heart attack & aortic anuerism. Mom was also the rock that held our large family together. She was one of those people that no matter where we were, people would strike up conversations with her. Total strangers would just sit or stand next to her and before you knew it, they were talking as if they had known each other forever! She had an amazing gift for making anyone feel comfortable around her and for knowing just the right things to say.

I too am her youngest and 30 yrs. old. I have a lot of my mother's traits in me, more so than my other siblings I think. I was my parents' mid-life baby (12 yrs. younger than my next sibling) and lived with them through their late 50's. I came to understand a lot about their views on life and the one thing that gave me some peace through my mother's passing was knowing that she went the way she wanted to go; no hospitals, no doctors, no meds and without any warning. My Dad also found my Mom in the morning. It was his worst nightmare too. Anytime she was sick, he would beg her to go to the doctor, but she refused. He would always tell us kids that he was so afraid of coming home from work or waking up in the morning and finding her gone....and that's exactly what happened.

She hadn't been to a doctor in 25 years so none of us knew she had heart problems or the anuerism. Mom lived her life to the fullest up until that moment that she passed in the night. I still can't get out of my head the fact that she was awake when the heart attack happened though...knowing that she was aware of what was happening to her and in pain at that moment has been the most difficult thing to overcome. She was a strong-willed woman who would much rather worry about us and take care of us then have it be the other way around. I miss her so much, but knowing that she passed on so much love and knowledge to us during her time with us is helping me to heal....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Every respone that I have gotten makes me feel a little less empty inside, but yours blew me away. The similarity between our experience is astonishing to me. My Mom was so much like that. My sister and I were talking last week about how our Mother would go to the store to pick up something quick and my Dad would say she was gone forever because she would start up conversations with people at the counter , in the line, in the parking lot. All of us do that same thing from time to time...how funny. Your reply moved me very much...One breath at a time is all I can do at the point. I know my mother would not want us sad, it would tear her up inside. So I have been trying to smile and feel blessed to have her as a Mother , she will always be around me everywhere I go! Take care of yourself and be strong for you Mom.

missingher ~

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother on June 9th of this year to a heart attack & aortic anuerism. Mom was also the rock that held our large family together. She was one of those people that no matter where we were, people would strike up conversations with her. Total strangers would just sit or stand next to her and before you knew it, they were talking as if they had known each other forever! She had an amazing gift for making anyone feel comfortable around her and for knowing just the right things to say.

I too am her youngest and 30 yrs. old. I have a lot of my mother's traits in me, more so than my other siblings I think. I was my parents' mid-life baby (12 yrs. younger than my next sibling) and lived with them through their late 50's. I came to understand a lot about their views on life and the one thing that gave me some peace through my mother's passing was knowing that she went the way she wanted to go; no hospitals, no doctors, no meds and without any warning. My Dad also found my Mom in the morning. It was his worst nightmare too. Anytime she was sick, he would beg her to go to the doctor, but she refused. He would always tell us kids that he was so afraid of coming home from work or waking up in the morning and finding her gone....and that's exactly what happened.

She hadn't been to a doctor in 25 years so none of us knew she had heart problems or the anuerism. Mom lived her life to the fullest up until that moment that she passed in the night. I still can't get out of my head the fact that she was awake when the heart attack happened though...knowing that she was aware of what was happening to her and in pain at that moment has been the most difficult thing to overcome. She was a strong-willed woman who would much rather worry about us and take care of us then have it be the other way around. I miss her so much, but knowing that she passed on so much love and knowledge to us during her time with us is helping me to heal....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I also relate to this social side of our moms. Since my parents' businesses were mainly in the retail and service sectors, my Mom was always chatting it up with many customers and business associates. While she had some pretty good friends before she became elderly, it was this constant contact with the world-at-large that made an impression on me. Since, when I was young, I used to be so painfully shy, I admired her this skill for striking up conversations with total strangers. This was something everyone always noted about her - how friendly she was. Ironically, it was only after I moved away from home in my early 30's that I was finally able to overcome my shyness ( now you can't shut me up for all the tea in China! lol ) and become more like my Mom in that respect. Now I absolutely LOVE the fact that I can be like Mom whenever I so choose, which is most of the time!

While I know my Mom, too, wouldn't want me to be 'wasting' a lot of time in my grief, I also have to honour my OWN pace and needs. We usually didn't see eye-to-eye on many things, so this is just like a continuation of our earthly relationship, with me trying to be myself and my Mom trying to make me more like her. Strangely, even THAT makes me feel rather warm and fuzzy, as it's so familiar a theme between us. I think I hear her laughing....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello!! I have never been one to join support groups or messege boards...but man has it been helpful during this time. Everything is still so raw....she was 58 years young.....Although I hate hearing this, I do believe that she is in a better place. I can see her now....chatting away with whoever is willing.

I see her so clearly, I hope that never fades! She is everything to me. So not real, but it is. The cycle of life, I need to accept it. Thanks to everyone for your stories--It helps soooo much. May we be twice as social as we are for them! Take care.

I also relate to this social side of our moms. Since my parents' businesses were mainly in the retail and service sectors, my Mom was always chatting it up with many customers and business associates. While she had some pretty good friends before she became elderly, it was this constant contact with the world-at-large that made an impression on me. Since, when I was young, I used to be so painfully shy, I admired her this skill for striking up conversations with total strangers. This was something everyone always noted about her - how friendly she was. Ironically, it was only after I moved away from home in my early 30's that I was finally able to overcome my shyness ( now you can't shut me up for all the tea in China! lol ) and become more like my Mom in that respect. Now I absolutely LOVE the fact that I can be like Mom whenever I so choose, which is most of the time!

While I know my Mom, too, wouldn't want me to be 'wasting' a lot of time in my grief, I also have to honour my OWN pace and needs. We usually didn't see eye-to-eye on many things, so this is just like a continuation of our earthly relationship, with me trying to be myself and my Mom trying to make me more like her. Strangely, even THAT makes me feel rather warm and fuzzy, as it's so familiar a theme between us. I think I hear her laughing....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I understand that feeling. My Mom just recently passed on 10/28 in her sleep. My father woke up and found her not breathing, he called the four daughters and told us to get home(we all live fairly close) so we could say our goodbyes. I walked in the house and saw my dad and sisters in the living room. I fell apart. my sister held me and led me to the bedroom and gave me time alone with her. Seeing my Mother there lying cold was unimaginable to say the least. I wanted her to wake up , I tried to open and eye...all I could say is No Mama!! I could feel at that moment her watching me, and screaming to me "I am sorry I had to go". The pain I feel is soooo great that it can consume you.

My sisters and I were able to goto the funeral home in the eveing on Halloween night and dye her hair and do her make-up and nails.(My Mother would never want anyone else to do it. THere was something so beautiful about that night. Although she wasn't inside anymore, I still felt her sooo strong. That is the vehicle she was in while she was here with us....and we made it stunning. I will never forget that night, nor will I ever forget any moment spent with my Mother. The body in the coffin is not your Mom anymore, rather the shell in which she lived and to visit and talk to her there honors it. Thinking that way for me has really helped. God Bless and take care. I am so very sorry.

First thank you for the responses, I'm dealing one day at a time the best I can do right now. Yesterday was my mom's birthday. I took flowers to her grave the ironic thing is even though I have been to her grave a few times since she's passed my mind still hasn't made the connection. My mind hasn't even connected my mom to the body in the casket, I have tried so many times to connect those 2. The weird thing is my mother & her oldest sister looked so much alike that when I viewed her before the funeral I stated that "oooo this lady looks like my Aunt". I have tried so hard just to relate the 2 (the body & my mom) together that it's just not doing any thing. I tell myself over & over that mom's gone but still nothing. Has anyone ever gone thru this before is there something wrong with me that I can not connect and relate these things together?

JAYMIKU, I understand your pain and your new role that you are begining. I am thankful that your sister has you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and thoughts.

I know we are all here trying to make sense of this path that we are on and even though it may not be much but I want all that read these message boards to know that I'm sending out hugs and thoughts to you, and I'm keeping you in my prayers

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

missingher,

That is such a beautiful thing, that you and your sisters could do for your mom. It reminds me of what Jewish people do, or can do - take part in the washing and wrapping the body of their loved one before burial. While I wouldn't have wanted to experience what you had to at home, I also have such empty feelings about not having gotten to see my Mother at ALL, after she died. She was in an rehab center, alone when she died, and I couldn't afford to fly back again before she was cremated. While I managed to see the box containing her ashes when I went back a few weeks later to try and collect some of her clothes, it's not even like I have her ashes with me now in a proper urn. So there's always going to be this sense of having missed something, something vital to my healing. It's like she just disappeared in a puff of invisible smoke. This has been one aspect of her passing that I haven't been able to get over whatsoever. What do you do when you've been denied such closing rituals, and by your own family, for Heaven's sake?!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello.

Last night and today have been so hard for me....I feel sick to my stomach!

Today it will have been two weeks since my Mom past away. It doesn't take alot for me to start crying today. Last night I cried and creid, that today my head feels soooo weak.

I keep thinking that she is somewhere here....like on a vacation or just at home....and for that brief moment I am thinking that...it hits me like a semi that I will not be seeing her. That she is gone. No calling mom and venting about this or that...or to call and just say that I love her. I spoke with her almost everyday, no one can fill that for me really. I heard her voice on her cell phone...her greeting. Such a beatiful and soft, sweet voice. I would do anything to hear her laugh, you could hear her even smile!

Love you so terribly much Mom and miss you with every breath I take!!!!!!

God Bless all who feel this pain.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

It is so early in your greiving that you are very vulnerable. Anything is going to be upsetting. Everything you are going through is normal and good to experience. It is good that you are crying and going through the emotions. I have learned that the way you are dealing with loss is how everyone needs to deal with it.

For the people that do not experience the grief and keep it inside are the ones later on in life will have be going along fine and then the semi will hit and they will not know why that is happening to them. That is what i did. I kept it inside and shut everyone around me out. And not until now 15 years later do i realize that and am now dealing with the dealth.

I hope you have a good support system. Husband, friends that really care about you. You need to be able to cry on someone shoulder. Try not to be alone to much. Just tell yourself it will get better and i will be happy again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

missingher ~

I too, for the longest time, was in denial and just kept thinking that mom was on vacation or not home when I called. About 10 weeks after her passing, it hit me that none of that was the case...she is really gone.

I had major surgery in February and Mom was by my side throughout the first few days and came back again a few weeks later when my husband had to return to work and I didn't feel ready to be alone in the house. About 10 weeks after her passing, I saw a book pertaining to my surgery on the end table and it hit me....I realized that here I was 6 months post-op, feeling great, and she wasn't here to see it. She had been there through the tough times but wasn't here to share in the good times. It really hurt to not be able to share my happiness over my recovery with her.

I now look at it this way: she stayed here as long as she could and until she knew I was ok enough for her to go. She was that type of woman...always worried about and taking care of others and not wanting us to worry about or take care of her. She was such a strong woman and it's tough to have someone like that taken away....she was my rock and my best friend. I miss her so much....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Reading everyone's stories made me realize that iam not the only one out there still coping with my mothers death. It's been 12 years on November 30th.Looking back it was clearly the worst day of my life to hear a doctor tell you that your mom has just passed at 45 years old and there was nothing they could do. There is so much you feel at that moment. Being an only child and only 23 years old, I had to keep it together for my father and some how get through the funeral. I picked out the casket, her clothes and managed not to breakdown. I just felt numb and lost those 3 days. I went through many years of depression. Not only missing her but thinking about everything in life she was going to miss or missing at that moment in time. I missed her scent, her smile, her hugs and all of the I love you's. There was so much i missed, so many little things. To wake up one morning and all of sudden to say she is gone, was so unbearable and the worst pain i ever felt. I am here to say, time does heal but you never miss the longing you have for your mother. I feel her so much at times and would give everything i have to feel her and touch her and see her smile. I do know that god has a plan for everyone and he has a special place for our mom's. So to all of you hold on to your memories and your faith. Each one of our mom's is watching over us and its problaby tearing them apart that we cry so much for them. At times when you feel like you just can't bare it all anymore, take a moment and talk to her and prayer for her. It will help your breaking heart. As i said before you will never get over that day but each day the pain gets a little better and your wonderful memories grow stronger. As i get older i see iam so much like her and i take a moment and smile. God bless all of you and my time and faith comfort your sorrow.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

To Blessing:

Thanks for sharing. My Mother has been gone since August 20th. Never known such pain and emptiness and loneliness. I also believe God has a plan for our Journey. I don't understand everything, but I don't think I'm suppose to. I have good days and bad. I know that the Mother/Daughter bond we had will always be with me and that she's in my heart. I've always been told I look like her. I'm her only daughter, her late in life child. She was 86 and I've just turned 45. I have three older living brothers and one deceased. She use to take such pleasure in telling me that I was beautiful and looked like she did before she got "old and ugly", to which I always replied; "You're older and beautiful still and I only hoped I looked as good as she when I reached her age. Funny thing is, the resemblence is getting stronger. I find myself saying the same things she use to say, sound like her, laugh like her. She is here as long as I am. Like most any parent/child relationship, we had our differences and butted heads every now and then. Some things I'll never figure out about some of her ways, but I caref for her, I loved her and I will always miss her. Each day is a challenge, some better than others, but God is my Strength and my Shield. I have to continue. She had to when her mother left her. It's part of the Journey. Take care.

Prayers for Strength and Guidance to all who grieve here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

my father of 91 just died on nov 9th 2005. I drove 1600 miles from colorado to ohio to be with him. He had to be put in a nursing home and he went downhill from the moment he was put there in august. He would cry because he could not go to the bathroom and had to wear a diaper. it made me cry watching him suffer. then he just refused to eat or drink anything and it only took almost 4 days for him to die. It hurts the worst that he had to pretty much kill himself to free himself. he was a wonderful husband and a good dad. I will always think of him with love and devotion.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm so sorry for the Loss of your Father. I know how extremely difficult it is to watch a parent deteriorate like that. My Mother was 86 and died three months ago. I had been her care giver for several years, but more specifically the last year she became much more dependent. She had sitters all of her waking hours and was able to remain in her own home. Her mental status began changing and she suffered several strokes within the last six months of her life. Two weeks before she died, I took off of work to be with her, really didn't know when I would return to work, just knew I had to be with her and that the end was near. She went into the hospital and suffered another stroke which left her unable to clearly communicate verbally. She went into a coma for two and a half days. I never left her side. She awoke and wanted to go home. The doctors said she was dying. She was in congestive heart failure, her kidneys were shutting down and she was now oxygen dependent and without being placed on a ventilator, she would die within days. She never wanted to be placed on a ventilator or any method of life support and her wishes were honored.I took her home and remained with her by her side and made her as comfortable as possible, until she passed away on the ninth day of being home. She was in diapers and with the help of her sitters, I changed her diapers for her and bathed her, pureed her food and hand fed her. She was very aware that she had those diapers on and cried to be put on her bedside potty, but she couldn't hold herself up at all and even with the sitter's help, I was afraid of us dropping her, so in diapers she had to stay. It was so gut wrenching for me to watch all of her dignity being taken from her. I was afraid she would blame me, but she seemed to resolve herself to that necessity.

It has been the most bittersweet experience of my life, losing her, but being there for her and with her as she went to sleep. I know the pain and the overwhelming feelings of emptiness and the fog that you're in now. My heart truly breaks for you. I know my Mother is in a better place, but this hole in my heart will always be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
septemberspain

It has been the most bittersweet experience of my life, losing her, but being there for her and with her as she went to sleep. I know the pain and the overwhelming feelings of emptiness and the fog that you're in now. My heart truly breaks for you. I know my Mother is in a better place, but this hole in my heart will always be.

Clittlelady WOW!!!!!! I have been searching for a way to describe how I'm feeling and your words fit so well. When my mom died 9-5-05 I hadn't been able to explain what was going on with my feelings and emotions and I could never express my feelings to those that ask. I can tell you I'm sooooo bittersweet and truly feel that feeling. When my mom called me (I was in another state) to ask me for support and to help her find out what was wrong with her I came running, when the Dr's gave us no hope for her to be here by the end of summer I let everything go. I HAD to be here with her. Even when I didn't know where my next round of strength or any answers to the many, many questions I knew I had to be here. I am so grateful to have spent the final month and a half of her last days with her to bond with her again and to love her again and the hole that grew in my heart because I knew she was dying made me accept the fact that I was losing her. I'm 45yr old and I never knew that such pain ever existed. I had never in my life had an up close and personal experience with anyone dying, then I got a triple dose in less than 72 hours. My favorite aunt who was my support died. While my mom was in the hospital dying I called her to tell her and my cousin answered and told me that she had just died and the medics were still at the house trying to revive her, I didn't know how to respond to anything let alone this and while we were at the hospital with my mom my Godbrother who was 34 had a massive heart attack and he too died. So all this has really had an effect that I was trying so hard to find words to explain or should I say describe my feelings. I even stopped coming here to the boards because there was something missing. I am sooooo happy I came here today because your quote has helped me rationalze my feeling and for that THANK YOU!!!

I trust that some how some way those of us that know this pain including the hole in the heart eases just a little bit.

Praying for us all,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

dear lady bless you for your love for your mother. and the loving care you gave her. Part of me felt I had to be there so he did not die alone and that I owed him that much. I was adopted by him and his wife my so called mother. But the mother did not like me because she could not mold me into her perfect child, my brother whom was 4 when they got me and was adopted at 6 weeks of age hated me when they brought me home. I was almost two when they got me. I had sat in an orhpanage till then.I was not hugged or held or loved there. the nuns just fed us bathed us and gave us the basics. So as you can imagine I was damaged goods already. As we got older my brother abused me alot. then when I was about 11 he started to sexually abuse me.I tried to tell my mom but she did not want to hear it and did not believe me. I think my dad knew but did not know how to handel it. My mother ruled the house and my dad. anyway I got pregnant at 15 to get out of the house and pretty much was out of the family. I always loved my dad he was always kind to me but my mother would not ever help me and would not allow my dad to help me. so I guess you could say it was alot of guilt on my part that I wanted to be there for him. But know I feel myself falling into this deep deppresion I feel like my life is over my kids are grown and I only have one whom I have a good relationship with. I stay home all day and do nothing but cry and sit and fume and hate myself. at first I was handeling it really well on the ride home I was doing well. but now as the days go by the holidays come I feel dead inside. watching my dad die has affected me beyond what I ever imagined. Its more then a hole in my heart. I feel like my whole being has been affected. life is ugly to me now. I am not a religous person,my dad was very religous so I think to myself he is in heaven now with my mother whom he worshipped and they are dancing. But what about me! well I am babbling now so time to go. I know I need to get off my butt and go get a job and start living again. It just sounds to hard for me. I am getting used to being walking dead and thats scarey to. any advice or support would be well appreciated. therapy sounds good. but I cant bring myself to do that either. ok I am doomed I cant think straight or feel anything but sadness. whoa is me. writing sometimes makes me feel better I guess just talking really helps sure wish I had someone to talk to. thank for your time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
septemberspain

(((((((coquandrygal)))))) I feel your pain Please know that I understand your pain. I can honestly say that the fog you are in will not always be as dense lights will begin to shine through. I too stopped thinking about anything beyond the next moment when my mom first died I still havn't returned to work and I'm still putting off moving my furniture etc back here from where I left it back in June (thankfully my daughter placed them in storage) nothing seems to matter to me right now. Feel free to talk or post here because it does help how I really can't say but it helps.

Please know I will be praying for you to receive comfort.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm new to this kind of thing, I honestly didn't even think about online support groups. My father passed away on Nov. 8 of this year. He had been very ill for quite sometime, with cirrhosis of the liver and hep C. We had never been very close, since I moved out of his house when I was 14, due to his drinking problem. But this year he completely changed. He started going to an out-patient program and him and I did family group together. We finally became close again. In September he moved into my house, both so I could take care of him and so he could help us financially. We called 911 because he had incredible back pain and we couldn't get him up. That was the last time he was at my house. He spent a week and a half in the hospital, and three days before he died, he suddenly took a turn for the worst. I really didn't want to stay with him overnight, because I didn't think I could handle him dying and me being the only one there. So I had a couple friends of his stay with him the first couple nights. But on that Monday, I was the only one who could stay.

At this point, the doctors had decided to stop all medical care and do only comfort care, which meant no more meds, only morphine. That night he kept waking up thinking someone was drowning him, because he couldn't breath. In a matter of 4 hours his oxygen level was down to 51%. Around midnight, I sat on his bed and held his hand. I told him that if he thought it was time to go, everything would be fine. I told him that I loved him and I was proud of him for everything he had done. I'm not sure how much he heard or understood, but I kept talking to him. I fell asleep around 6:30am, and the nurse woke me at 8:00, saying my dad had passed away 5 min earlier.

I guess there are things that I feel guilty for, like telling him that when he was ready to let go, I'd hold his hand. I didn't. I was sleeping. I knew my dad was sick, and wouldn't be around for a long time, but I never thought I'd be burying my dad at 25. He was only 46. I've heard there are some books out there to help with grief, but I'm not sure what one is the best. If anyone has any ideas, I would be very grateful. Peace be to you and yours.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

COQUANDRYGAL: That's what friends are for. Friends in human kindness. Friends in understanding. Can't say that I understand everything, because obviously I haven't experienced some of the heartaches you have, but believe me, some of them I have. I know you said you're not religious and that's okay. I don't go to church, haven't been active in a church in several years, due to my Mother's failing health and needing me there. However, I do believe that there is a God who has helped me through each step of this grief. He is in my heart whether I'm in church or not. He has put many kind and supportive people in my path, through this website especially. I don't believe you were damaged goods then or now. There is a purpose for your life. I hope and pray that you find some peace and support here. Each day is a new day for all of us and some days are better than others. Some days I'm strong and you're weak, some days I'm weak and you're strong. I have never been to a counselor before my Mother passed away, but this brought me to my knees, I've had to do it and it's not so bad. I just pour out my heart and even cry sometimes and someone is there to guide me and encourage me from a psychological stand point. Between that counseling and the enormous amount of encouragement I've found in the different forums of this website, I believe my healing is beginning. I believe it will be a long process, but we have to continue. Hope each day brings new insight and peace to your mind, spirit and heart. Take Care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

FLOWERBALL: My heart aches for you and what you're going through now in your grief. My Mother has been gone now for three months. Don't feel guilty, you were there. Even though you told your Father you would hold his hand and you went to sleep, the important thing is that when HE went to sleep, HE knew YOU WERE there. It's easy during this horrible pain to think of things that you could have or should have done, but the reality is, you did what you could. This is a good place to vent. The first time I posted I just spilled out so much heartache anger, hurricaine of mixed emotions that I didn't then and some days now are not so sure how to handle. I never expected anyone to reply, but they did and it encouraged me so much, to know someone really does understand and really has suffered what you're suffering and that you're not alone in this. Some days I just read the posts, don't have the heart to post or share some days. Some days it just spills right out of me and I feel so much better, just getting it out. I'm not really sure of a certain book to help with grief, but between this website and visiting different forums in here, and personal grief counseling, I'm beginning to heal. Oh believe me, I still cry and miss my Mother and fight everyday not to let negative thoughts and memories of situations I can't change, flood back into my heart. Once my Mother was gone, I realized what a dysfunctional family I have and there are many, many ugly details I'm not sharing today. So whatever you feel you need to say, say it. If someone says something that doesn't really apply to you let it go. I think everyone means well here and we're all looking to mend our mind, heart and spirit. Hope you feel welcome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Flowerball,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My dad died on Dec. 23,2000. A week before he died he called me to say my mom was in the hospital and I should come there. I live 3 hours away but I took my son out of school and stayed for the whole week with my dad. He was so worried about my mom. I noteced that his hands looked red and swllen. I thought of taking him to the doctor but he kept telling me he was OK. My mom recovered and the morning after she came home from the hospital, he droped dead while making her breakfast. The doctor told us that the symptoms he was having in his hands was a sign of a heart problem that caused his death. Talk about guilt!!! But my mom told me something that I will always remember. She said "Never feel guilty about something you think you should have done. Always remember the things that you did that made dad's life so plesent." My mom died on April 25,2003. She died in her sleep. We were so close and I tried to go there or bring her to my house whenever I could. I wasn't with her when she died. Again - the guilt!!! But I think about what she said and I feel much better. God Bless You.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My mother past August 4th, 2004 and she was the love of my life. I’m a late baby; she thought she couldn’t have children anymore. Nevertheless, we both worried about spending enough time with each other. I guess she and I knew that our time together was going to be limited. I did a short bout with therapy, but I was dealing with so many changes that my schedule wouldn’t permit it. So now smack into the ho ho holidays, I lose my mind. I can’t talk about my issue to any of my friend because no one gets it! Also, it seems to be something that no one wants to talk about. I feel bad for ruining everyone else’s day with my problems. All my friends still have their parents and all of their siblings (I also lost my brother in 2001). To me no one understand it, and I know they wont until they go through it. I’m just not happy; I truly feel that if my mother was here my life would be fine. What’s worst is that everyone thinks I’m just fine, If not heartless and sends me their problems to sort. I want my mother back!!! Every time I say that, I remember how sick she was. Then I talk it back...for I know she’s better off in heaven. I didn’t know she was going to die, she kept it from me. When I think back, I see the writing on the wall but during that time I was so blind. I couldn’t really find a support group to go to, so I hope this message board will help. I’m in my early twenty’s and live with my dad and my dog Lola. I’m just happy that I found people that could possibly understand what I’m going through.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

TO: Libbysbaby-

I completely understand exactly what your going through. It is so hard to talk to friends that completely have no clue as to the loss of a parent. When my mom died i was 23 and all of my friends still had their parents. Everytime i talked to them they couldn\'t relate and they didn\'t know what to say. But as you i would just go on through life with them thinking i was fine. Finally, my depression caught up with me and i think they all thought i was losing my mind. I said so many times if my mom was here my life would be different. I would have taken different paths and i still sometimes think that. I lived with my dad for 4 years after my mom had died. My best friend was my dog lady...We both missed my mom so much and my poor dad just couldn\'t talk about it and even to this day he doesn\'t. Like you my mom was really sick and yes i know she is better off in heaven but i wish i had just one day left with her. After 12 years the pain is a little easier but the longing never goes away and the holiday\'s are the worst. So you are a alone. I hope you get through the holiday's with some comfort

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear lady and flower.thank you for you words of kindness. My dad died one day after youre flower on the ninth. And I thought I would hold his hand also. But I fell asleep. But what woke me up was no sound of his breathing. I woke up when he because he died,I woke up at 6:15 am and he was pronounced dead at that time. I also feel guilty. But life does go on and a miricle has helped me. My daughter who is 22 and in the army and just got back from iraq last march. well she got married in june to a really nice young man a fellow soldier. I called her when I went to ohio and she said call red cross so I can come see grandpa before he goes. so they came to visit dressed in their uniforms at the nursing home. my dad was so proud. well I just found out she is pregnant she got pregnant on that trip. I think its my dads way of coming back to me sorta or at least he is letting me know he is ok. is that crazy or what. but its truley a blessing. and lady and flower and all of you here are in my heart and my thoughts. today is a better day and I hope tommorow will be even better but who knows. thanks for your love and support,and I will be here now for a long time as I feel you are all my friends. and the really funny thing my daughter who is pregnant is not my biological daughter,she is a surrogate baby. But I have had her since she was born and she is so much like me. I love her so dearly. I will fill you in on more of my story later is you would like to know. Its a crazy one. but I wish you all a better day. and yes lady I am like you I beleive in god I just dont like church. to many hippocrits. I think he is also with me because if he wasnt I would not be here today.This I do know. love joann

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains my overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains my overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains my overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains my overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains my overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains my overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains my overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I heard people say that the 2nd year after a death is very hard. The first 2 years you are in shock and after that it hits you. Maybe that explains the overwelming sadness I can't seem to shake. My sister told me she is feeling the same way. I remember how depressed my mom was on the 2nd anniversay of my dads death. We were so worried about her. She died 4 monts latter in her sleep. The Doctor said from a broken heart. It is now over 2 1/2 years since she died and I am so depressed. I can't think of Christmas. I have to push myself to do anything. But I have a 14 year old son so I have to keep going. Yesterday he wanted to put up Christmas decoations. So at 7:00 p.m. we started to put up the lights. I kept going and couldn't stop. He kept telling me it was too much. When we were done it looked so bright. I think the neighbous will have to keep their blinds closed. He said it reminded him of the movie Christmas Vacation. I have to admit it made me laugh. Something I havn't done in a long time.

Thanks for listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Sorry. I don't know what happened. Ithought I only clicked it once and I have 8 posts. I was really suprised to see any because I thought my time had run out and I had lost it. Is there a way to delete 7 0f them?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I was just trying to think the other day about the first Christmas without my dad and i cannot remember anything. It is a weird feeling that you have no memory of such a big day like Christmas. That whole year after he died i really do remember much, only bits and pieces. And most of the pieces are not good memories.

I guess it is a good thing that i do not remember that Christmas, because it was prabably awful. After that year we started going on vacations so it took our mind off of it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

angelwings,

Don't worry about the 8 posts. I was on your 3rd post before I realized they were the same one. :) (lol)...

Lights are good. My wife overlit our indoor tree this year, our first without Matthew. But it sure looks nice; as I'm sure your house does too.

Take care and try to have a Merry Christmas, or at least a not-awful one.

Jeff

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi

New to the board and so thankful this is here. I lost my father to within a week of finding he had brain cancer. I have yet to cry or grieve on his death. I just cant come to believe this has happened. I am the baby (40 now) but still his baby girl and he was so very special to me. The pain I have inside is so bad that I am blocking everything out. I am very angry at everything and like many of you have said everyone expects you to be over it after the funeral and move on.

This Christmas is extremely hard and I too want to just stay in bed and wait till it is over. I have a 17 month old little girl who has my dads eyes and she is what keeps me going. She is the angel and I believe sees dad lots- she waves to the walls since his passing and says hi and music will turn on in our house for no reason.

Thanks for letting me discuss my feelings here as I a feel I am amongst friends and people that really understand the loss of a dad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
septemberspain

Hi Streal

This board is really helpful when it seems no one is there or that no one understands what you are feeling. I am so sorry for your lost. I lost my mom 3 months ago to colon cancer so my journey has just begun. This place is really a good outlet you can come here and just let your feelings flow and you can bet someone here knows the pain that you feel.

I wish I knew the magical words to give you comfort but know I understand your feelings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Streal, we all understand what you are going through and your pain. What you are feeling is part of the proscess. I am sure you have already heard that. But you do need to cry. It is okay to be angry and upset, but you need to go through all the emotions. Crying is a release. Usually for me anyway after i cry i feel better. I cried so hard one night. I have a video of my dad and there is a little part were it is actual video of him talking and it was so hard to watch. It was hard because i do not remember what he sounded like and it was upsetting that your mind forgets those things. But i cried the hardest i had ever cried that night. I had to take a xanax because i was so worked up. But still after that i felt better.

I am so lucky to have those.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Streal,

I'm glad you found this site. We are all here to help you and each other. I beleive that your dad is letting you know he is OK. My family and I have had so many odd things happen (CD player turning on etc....) I could write a book.

Christmas was such an important holiday for my parents. They made it so special. My dad died suddenly on Dec,23,2000. So I don't remember much about that Christmas. We had to keep going for the kids. The hardest part was when we opened gifts and found the gifts my dad had bought, wraped and put under the tree. My mom died 2 years and 4 months latter. It is so hard this time of year. But I have found great comfort on this site.

Take care and God Bless. Denise

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I am so glad to have found this site. I lost my Dad on Veteran's Day 2003, my Mom six months later, and my 38 year old nephew just last Christmas Eve. My parents were older (80's), and I have had so many people tell me how lucky I am to have had them so long. I know that, but it is still so painful. It is good to know there are others out there who feel the same way. They were such an important part of my life. There is just such a void now. There has not been a single day that I have not thought about them. I have trouble sleeping most nights (like tonight) and find I cannot sleep through the night without taking something. I hate that, I never had trouble sleeping before..I keep thinking it will get better. I sure hope so.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Littlesleep,

I'm glad you found this site too. It has helped me so much. I too have a hard time sleeping now. Look at the time on my last post. Too bad we couldn't go out for coffee. LOL It doesn't matter how old your parents were. It still hurts so much. When my dad died in Dec 2000, my youngest sister and her family moved in to take care of my mom. After my mom died in April 2003, it was decided that my sister and her family could stay there. Just this last weekend her and I went thru the ceder chest. That was so hard! It took us 2 1/2 years to even open it up. My parents left everything including their house to the 4 kids in a trust. My youngest sister and I are the ones who were always there for them. We were the ones who were so close to them. But my other sister and brother were the first ones with their hands out. We all get an equal amount but they want more. They say that my sister owes them money for living in the house even tho she has been paying the mortgage. It took them all this time to say anything. They told us that they want the house sold right now. They are so mad that their names are listed below ours in the trust. But they were the ones who never came to see my parents and treated them so badly. So here it is Christmas season and it's already stressful and now we have to deal with this. They should be so gratefull that my parents wanted to include them at all. So we are going to be selling the house and my brother and sister just informed us that they only want the things they could sell. What a mess!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dear Angelwings56,

Thanks so much for your reply. Your family situation is so sad. The true character of a person really shows during a time like this. My two sisters are much the same as your older siblings. They were never very concerned about my parents' well being until they thought they might be able to get something. They pretty much took everything they could get their hands on until I was able to become guardians for both my parents after they got sick. I used to dwell on how evil my sisters were, but I have had to let all that go for my own well being. I know they will reap what they have sown sooner or later. I am very glad that you have your younger sister to help you through this. Take care.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I see my mom in my dreams. We meet for lunch, or take walks, and I tell her about what's going on with me and the family. It's strange...almost reminds me of the tv show PROVIDENCE. Syd gets wisdom from her dead mother, in her dreams. I never understood that sort of after-life connection, until my own mom died. Does anyone else experience this too?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I lost my mom to cancer.. I looked in all kinds of places to find a book that would give me some insight. I felt no one had gone throughw hat I had and the only books I could find were either all medical or all spiritual But I found this one book this year its called " By The Grace Of God An Adult Child's Journey through Cancer loss and after Life connections" By Penny Clark Babson

she talked about when she was a kid and what she had to do to take care of her dad . Even though the book is small it made me really feel like I wasnt alone. You can check it out too by either going to amazon.com and putting her name in the book search or go to her web site at http://www.impressionsbypenny.com

I thought I should share this for all my brothers and sisters here who have lost a parent and lost a parent to cancer :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi ... This is my first entry, in fact, my first message board. I lost both my parents this year, 2005, my mother in March, my father in May. And although I think my grieving process, my adjustments are \\\"normal\\\", there are moments of unbearable heaviness ... emotional paralysis which I wonder and hope will fade in time...

I live in two worlds; one where I feel blessed freedom from the worries of ill and aged parents, the other where I am trapped in the delicate and complicated spider webs of guilt, regret and shame.

In my dreams, my parents are not who they were in life, they are the people I had always wished them to me; demonstrative. Tactile. These dreams soothe me and my heart fills with joy ... and then I awaken and I miss them more than was ever in my realm of understanding. I am orphaned and it hurts like hell.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.