Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

April 18, 2006

Here is my story

This is a story about events which made drastic impacts during my early years. The shock waves can still be felt today. Yes I know you're thinking: Oh no, not another life story. My life has been somewhat unusual, not so very dramatic, but enough to wish I had a different childhood. During elementary school, so many kids had normal parents and normal lives. Not a day goes by that I do not notice how so many people around me have no idea what they should be grateful for. My name is Jennifer and I was born in 1979 to Linda and Dallas Lowe in Houston, Texas. My parents married in 1978 and a year later I came along. My brother was born almost 2 years later. By summer of 1983 my parents were dead.

From even childhood my father was a weak person. His father, Grandpa Lowe, was a hard and strict man with his own childhood horrors. My father had one brother and three sisters. Most of whom were beaten by my grandfather. Dallas was protected by my grandmother. He was her favorite. Whenever life called for hard times, emotional or physical, my father would claim 'sick'. Weak heart. There was no doubt he had a moody personality and was prone to depression. In spite of that, he was not a bad guy. And from what I am told, apparently a romantic person.

My mother was a twin. She and her sister Mary have an older brother named Terry. They were born to parents who in most aspects lived the American Dream. My grandfather is a extremely hard working man, now 87 years old, and is just now starting to slow down in life. He came from a formally wealthy family. The 1910 Galveston hurricane took the family fortune, but they stayed steady during the depression. It was that experience that drove Grandpa Armstrong to be a hard worker. My grandma comes from good stock and was a good mother. However perfect they seem to be on the outside, they are very old fashioned. No, that's not always a good thing, but when a child is repressed too much, you risk rebellion. One must change with the times and not cling to old ways best forgotten.

My mother wanted out of the house desperately when she was 17. She lived with friends, got a job and lived the single care-free life until she married my father when she was 19. They grew up in the same neighborhood and went to the same school together. Dallas and Linda's brother Terry were best friends. My mother's parents were against it from day one. They didn't approve, but my mother didn't care. Linda's parents still gave her the huge church wedding with the white dress and everything. Both families were in attendance and it was a happy gathering.

So here I come along a year later. During the time after my birth and before my brother's, I am not sure if my mother worked or not. No one really talks about it, and if they do, I don't know whether to believe what they say. Depending on what side of the family I ask will depend on the answer. So I figure my guess is as good as what any of them will tell me. My father worked off and on. In the beginning, they lived with their parents for a time before setting out on their own. I think they got an apartment around the time of Dallas Jr's birth. But things had not been good for a while. My father was a lazy person. He only worked now and again. People would get him a job, and then he just wouldn't go. My mother went to work. I don't know how many jobs she worked before she found one that worked well for her. It was in an office making $8 an hour. Now that was damn good money for a 22 year old woman in 1982 with no high school diploma or experience. Her bosses loved her and she was promoted quickly. The pay was good enough to support her family of four.

Now my most of my family will not freely talk about my parents, but everyone who has ever met my mother, teachers, distant cousins, everyone said she was the most sweetest person they had ever known. She was pretty, but not extraordinarily so. She was never seen angry or depressed, but seemed to not let anything bother her and was seen as a free soul. My parents were in love with each other, but my father was not a strong person, and had grown up needing a crutch. He depended on my mother to keep their family going. She worked, kept the house and raised her children. My dad didn't do much of anything. My mom grew tired of it and demanded he get a job and take care of his responsibilities. Instead of looking for an honest job, he was always trying 'get rich quick' schemes. Eventually my mother had enough and left him.

My father was a mess. He was depressed and would follow her around pleading, crying and making a scene. She wanted him to get himself together and show her he could support his family. Twice he borrowed money to go to Las Vegas to gamble, hoping to come home rich and win back his wife. Needless to say it didn't work out that way. Once my father picked me up for a visit. I was 3 1/2 years old and I have a vague memory of that day. We went to a church and sat on the back pew. It was empty except for the priest who noticed us and walked over to talk. He knew my father and told the police later that he was sitting crying with a gun in his lap while I sat next to him. The priest talked to my father, Dallas for a while tried to console him. He was helpless and hysterical. The SWAT team was eventually called. My father was not cooperative with the police, and he wouldn't relinquish his weapon and surrender. I had been led away by the priest and remember none of this, save what I read in the newspapers. The stand-off lasted 3 hours and Dallas finally weak and tired, gave himself up.

Dallas Lowe was taken to Ben Taub Hospital in Houston, Texas. The police dropped him off in the emergency room. I was told two different versions of what happened at the hospital. Apparently, the hospital failed to restrain my father upon arrival. His family was with him and they waited for a doctor for 12 hours. Since his life wasn't in danger, he was not seen as an emergency even though he had recently threatened his own life and mine. He was pleading to go home, and my dad's family, the Lowe's, were ready to go home too. They figured they would take him home and seek professional help the next day.

Once home Dallas made many promises to straighten up and get his life together. The plan to see a doctor about his suicidal tendencies was put on hold and forgotten about. My dad tried to get a job without success. It was obvious to many that he was unstable. He quickly degenerated and was depressed more than ever. He went to his father and asked to borrow money. His excuse was that he needed money to buy a car and clothes for a job. He bought another gun instead.

Meanwhile my mother was still working at her good job and she, my brother and I were living with her parents. My aunt Mary, mom's twin, was in college, and their older brother Terry was fresh home from the Navy. Mom and Mary were very close, as twins usually are. During Linda's marriage problems with my dad, Mary supported her in the decision to leave him. Dallas constantly had accused and complained that Mary was interfering with their lives. He believed that Mary was the one who had pressured my mom to leave him and he blamed her for many things. And then on the flip side, my dad's sister Martha was also a constant figure in their lives during this time. Martha pitied my father and believed him when he would say that he's going to get a job and his life together, and thought Linda should be just a little more understanding of his weak heart. It has also been said that Martha was a voice in my father's ear urging him to notice how Mary has interfered with his marriage. Never mind that she was also interfering.

When my mother refused to come home when Dallas pleaded again, he went home furious believing that Mary was getting too involved and was influencing Linda. He threatened Mary on the phone, telling her to mind her business. The next day when my mother went to work, Dallas showed up at her office and asked to speak to her. The receptionist and coworkers were aware of their problems and asked Linda is she wanted security called. She didn't want her husband to make a scene as he had done in the past. She consented to speak to him outside. What happened outside and what was said will never be known. The office staff heard 2 gunshots a few minutes later.

During this time my brother and I were with my mother's parents, the Armstrong's. Now everyone has a different story about how they found out what happened. Some heard it on the radio, some saw it on TV, some like my both sets of grandparents, had a policeman come to the front door. But the ones who found out in the worst way was Mary and Terry. My mother didn't have a car at the time and my aunt and uncle had been picking Linda up after work everyday. So about the time my dad was asking my mom to come outside and talk to him, Mary and Terry were leaving the house to come and get her.

My aunt says that when they were nearing her place of work, they saw police, flashing lights and commotion, she swears that she felt this irresistible urge to keep driving. They turned into the parking lot. The police had the place blocked off and was about to stop them from entering the area. The officer got a good look at who was in the car and stepped back. The shock of seeing Linda's identical twin must have rattled a few of the police and bystanders.

Mary, getting out of the car was compelled to walk towards the area where the most people were concentrated. As she rounded the corner, a bright red splash of blood on a white brick wall caught her attention. She has never forgotten that scene. She told me later that she started feeling something real bad in her stomach. It wasn't like a 'twin' feeling she said, but knowing my father and considering recent events she started to panic. Linda's co-workers saw her and came over and steered her away from the horrific sight.

At the hospital later, both families converged and scrambled to find out what happened. The verdict was obvious, but hard to face. Grief and misery washed over everyone. My father shot my mother and killed himself. They both died instantly. Linda was 23 and Dallas was 28.

Everyone is in shock. And coming face to face with Dallas Jr. and I, must have made it even harder. A custody battle ensued. Everyone wanted to take care of little Jenny and Dallas since their parents were dead and it was so very sad. I could go on about the court details, but in the end my mother's parents got primary custody of us and my dad's family got us every other weekend.

After the hardest grieving period was behind everyone, both families became more or less friends and all knew that the one to blame was my emotionally unstable father. They put behind the anger for me and my brother. However, Martha and Mary, two aunts on different families still seethed with anger. Both blamed the other for interfering. Mary says Martha set Dallas on the path of revenge. Martha says Mary spent too much time telling Linda that Dallas is no good. They have never spoken again to this day. As I grew up and had questions, no one would really want to talk about it. Except for these two aunts. Of course each gave a different version of events and I never knew who to believe. My dad's family didn't want to hide the truth from me, but again didn't want me to grow up and hate my dad. They blamed his mental illness on a weak heart and said his heart just couldn't take it when my mother left. My mom's family said the weak heart was just an excuse for a weak unstable person. Well, whatever the reasons were, I am 3 years old, Dallas is 1 and we have no parents.

We grew up having everything we needed and never did without something. During school we always had more than the kid next to us. But everyone, students, teachers, all knew who we were. Every Mother's day when kids make cards, we were reminded how different we are. Some would say, "You had your grandparents! That's just like having parents, and you never did without anything." Unless you have experienced it, there is no way to know what it feels like. To not have a mom to run to when you hurt your knee, or need advice, or just want a hug a feeling like a whole in my heart that can never be filled.

My grandparents are the last of a dying breed. They are honest. I have never known either one to lie and I don't think they would lie to save their own life. When someone would call on the phone that I didn't want to talk to, I would say, "Grandma! Tell them I am not here!" She would reply, "I can't do that, that would be a lie!" They are responsible, honorable, and hardworking people. They love us very much and sacrificed a lot to raise us. But they are not affectionate people. There was very little hugging or kissing or anything of that nature. And yes, old fashioned. Very old fashioned.

I could go on about the twists and turns of my own life, but that is a whole other story unto itself. I'll have to write about that one day-what my family tried to hide from me, more disturbing things I heard about my dad, the ones who tried to profit from this tragedy, rebelling from my grandparents and becoming a mother at 16 and so on. Despite all that has happened, I haven't had a bad life, just a different one. I lost my parents early, but I have LOTS of family. And we are a close family, both sides, and that is what makes the difference.

Jennifer Lowe

jennyannlowe@yahoo.com

April 24, 2006

I\'ve been reading everyone\'s posts, and I have felt so much of the feelings as everyone has said. My mother passed Feb 24th, and I also go through having good days and sad days. I think that\'s part of the grieving process. I do allow myself to feel sad, cry, be lazy, sleep too much, but then I move a little further ahead, not move on, because I don\'t think you ever really move on, you just learn to deal with missing your loved one and go on with trying to have a good life, I\'m sure our loved ones would want that for us, so maybe if you think about living a good life in their honor it will help when you feel so sad. Just my thoughts right now, it\'s been helping me to remember that.

I was sitting here reading postings and came across yours and it made so much since to me. It has only been a month since my mom passed and I have all those feelings. Some days are good, some I cry and cry for no reason. Some days I am just down right mad at the world and not sure why.

But I do agree with you that we don\'t always move on, we just learn to deal with it and do what we have to do. I would like to share a poem with you that my mom had read when she passed. I think it sums up how we feel, what we need to go through and what they really want us to do after they go.

When I am gone, release me, let me go -

I have so many things to see and do,

You mustn\'t tie yourself to me with tears.

Be thankful for our beautiful years.

I gave to you my love, you can only guess,

How much you gave to me in happiness...

But now it\'s time I traveled on alone.

So grieve awhile forme, if grieve you must,

Than let your grief be conforted by trust;

It\'s only for a time that we must part,

So bless the memories within your heart.

I won\'t be far waway for life goes on,

So if you need me call an I will come,

Though you can\'t see or touch me, I\'ll be near.

And if you listen with your heart, you\'ll hear

All my love around you soft and clear.

And then , when you must come this way alone,

I\'ll greet you with a smile, and say

\"Welcome Home\"!

It says so much, for me it tell me what she wants me to do and how she wants me to deal with her death. It brings me some comfort when reading it. But I still am grieving and I still cry a lot. I do miss her and I know when my days are done she will be there to greet me.

May God bless and keep you in his hands where it is safe. Feel free to contact me anytime. paulagford@yahoo.com

April 24, 2006

Hi everyone.
I lost my mother in November of last year. After she passed away, I was so busy taking care of everything that I don't think that I even started to grieve until about 6 weeks ago,. My energy level has been at an extremely hyperactive level since then ( and getting worse) and it is very hard for me to relax and I seem to be functioning well on very little sleep....... I am now starting to get concerned about it. Is this energy level normal in somebody who is grieving?

I am not sure what really is normal. Everyone deal with death differently. With you it is energy, others it is crying, some it is depression and sleeping a lot. So who is to say what is normal. I did the energy thing with my father and never grieved and to this day I don't think I have ever really sit down and thought about it and had a good cry. It has been 15 years since he passed and I am sure that isn't good. At the time of his death, I had to help with the paper work and take care of my mom and make sure she was ok everyday. As for my mother I have grieved for her and do so a lot. I don't have to deal with all the paper and taking care of anyone this time. It has now been 1 month since she passed and I have good days and I have bad days. I cry and ask why, I get made and try and blame it on other things and ask why. There is no answer to the "Why" question. The only thing I can come up with is because it was time. Their life here was done and it was time for them to move on. As for us (the ones left behind) we just have to deal with it however it comes to us. If you feel really concerned about it you might want to call your family doctor and see what he/she has to say. Feel free to contact me at any time. paulagford@yahoo.com

April 24, 2006

It feels weird to have no parents living anymore. My father died when I was just an infant (my twin sis and I were 3 months old when he died on Dec 28), and now a mere month after my mom died - I have never felt more alone in the world. My mom could make my aches and pains go away with a kiss (even at 29 yrs old it was all it took) - and a hug from her went miles ... I fear that I will never have that unconditional love again in my life.
Missing my Mom-
carla

Carla;

I know how you feel!! A mothers love is the best love in the world. There is no love that compares to a mothers love. I recently lost my mom. It has been a month ago, and it has been very hard. I catch myself picking up the phone and starting to call and remember that she isn't there. Then here comes the tears or the depression. I was very close to my mom and it has been very hard. I do a lot of praying, crying and just not wanting to talk to anyone. If you need to talk feel free to contact me. paulagford@yahoo.com

April 24, 2006

Hello,

I was reading the post and replying to a few of them and decided to share with you what my children and I decided to do to help us deal with what we are going through. We stared a website just for fun and after my mother passed away March 20, 2006 we decided to change a few things and dedicate it to her. Just remember if you go to the site that it is still being worked on and is a long way from being finished. So visit it off and on to see what we have done to try and finish it.

http://www.geocities.com/paulagford/Family.html

It has a long way to go but we are very happy with it and we are trying very hard to get it finished.

April 25, 2006

I hope you won't mind me posting here. I usually post on loss of child as my 27 y/o daughter died 2 1/2 yrs. ago. But today is my mother's birthday. She has been gone since 1977 through a heart attack, 3000 miles from where I lived. For some reason I am overwhelmed with thoughts of her this week and am especially sad as this day comes. She only held our daughter a few times so my prayer is that they are together now. Peace to all who post here. Julsmom and Emma's daughter.

April 25, 2006

My wonderful mom died 3 years ago today. I miss her so much. I still have a hard time believeing she is gone sometimes. There are still times I want to pick up the phone and call her. She was always there for all of us and now she is gone. Life will never be the same but I know she is watching over us like she always did. Trudy ~ 10/3/30 - 4/25/03

April 25, 2006

My wonderful mom died 3 years ago today. I miss her so much. I still have a hard time believeing she is gone sometimes. There are still times I want to pick up the phone and call her. She was always there for all of us and now she is gone. Life will never be the same but I know she is watching over us like she always did. Trudy ~ 10/3/30 - 4/25/03

Trudy;

I know what you are going through, it hasn't been that long for me. It has only been a month. But I find myself picking up the phone to call and than remembering that she isn't there any more. I also know that she is watching and keeping an eye on me everyday. I have had people tell me... it will get easier with time. But I am not to sure about that. My mom told me about a year after my father died that it was just as hard than as it was the first day. I don't know if it gets easier or that we just learn to adapt and deal with it as time goes on. Feel free to contact me if you would like to chat, paulagford@yahoo.com

April 27, 2006

well i got my senior ring last night, we had a ceremony and everything, which was pretty much the senior class handing down the school to us since we will be big seniors next year haha.

well i was very happy because in the upper inside of my ring i got my moms name carved in it which was really nice to have. it reminds me of her everytime i look at it. i know she is really proud of me and was watching down on me last night when i recieved it.

im really happy with everything as of right now i feel like my mommy is watching over me very good right now since im finishing up my junior year and im staying so busy. i hope shes proud.

ahhh im so glad april is almost over. its been a rough month with her being gone for 2 years on the 18th. but now its over and i just get to look foward to mothers day but thats okay, i can do it.

May 2, 2006

Hi Everyone,

My mom died 3 weeks ago today and I'm having a hard time still. She was sick with emphysema for many years and I took care of her so I thought it would be a little easier after she died. Nope. I thought that maybe we would somehow continue our relationship, albeit on a different realm, but I haven't had any sense of contact or feelings that she is with me at all in the 3 weeks. This disturbes me, angers me, frightens me. I guess it is really real and it is really over. Sort of feels like a "duh" statement, but I did think it would go on somehow. Sunday was her birthday and that was very difficult. She would have been 70. This is very difficult.

May 2, 2006

Hi Everyone,
My mom died 3 weeks ago today and I'm having a hard time still. She was sick with emphysema for many years and I took care of her so I thought it would be a little easier after she died. Nope. I thought that maybe we would somehow continue our relationship, albeit on a different realm, but I haven't had any sense of contact or feelings that she is with me at all in the 3 weeks. This disturbes me, angers me, frightens me. I guess it is really real and it is really over. Sort of feels like a "duh" statement, but I did think it would go on somehow. Sunday was her birthday and that was very difficult. She would have been 70. This is very difficult.

I am not going to tell you that it gets easier with time, because that isn't always the case. We just learn to cope. My mother passed a little over 1 month ago. She had a poem read at her funeral and had the minister add that this is how she felt and her wishes for us.

To Those I Love and Those Who Loved Me

When I am gone, release me, let me go. . .

I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears

Be happy that we had so many years.

I gave you my love, You can only guess

How much you gave to me in happiness.

I thank you for the love you each have shown

But now it's time I traveled on alone.

So grieve a while for me if grieve you must

Then let your grief be comforted by trust

It's only for a while that we must part

So bless the memories within your heart.

I won't be far away, for life goes on.

So, if you need me, call and I will come.

Though you can't see me or touch me.

I'll be near . . .

and if you listen with your heart,

you'll hear

All of my love around you soft and clear.

And then, when you must come this way alone

I'll greet you with a smile and say

"Welcome Home".

The relationship that we have now isn't a relationship which we had before, but I know she is out there and that she is watching over me. When I say my prayers every night I ask God to give her a hug for me and I tell her that I love and miss her. If you need to talk and get your feelings out feel free to contact me at paulagford@yahoo.com

May 2, 2006

Hi Everyone,
My mom died 3 weeks ago today and I'm having a hard time still. She was sick with emphysema for many years and I took care of her so I thought it would be a little easier after she died. Nope. I thought that maybe we would somehow continue our relationship, albeit on a different realm, but I haven't had any sense of contact or feelings that she is with me at all in the 3 weeks. This disturbes me, angers me, frightens me. I guess it is really real and it is really over. Sort of feels like a "duh" statement, but I did think it would go on somehow. Sunday was her birthday and that was very difficult. She would have been 70. This is very difficult.

Hi,

I completely understand as my Dad died about a month ago and I've tried to tell myself that he is here with me on some level. It hasn't happened yet and the feeling of it being the "end" is terrifying. Yet I haven't lost hope that he is there somewhere even if I can't feel it because it is so new. He would have been 69 in a few weeks - I get so angry when I think about how he died so young, especially after spending time in a condo in Florida where a lot of his friends are (most in their 80's). This has been the hardest time in my life even though I knew that at his age recovering from leukemia was not a good chance. You and I are new to all of this and if you feel the same way I do it's hard to understand or accept. I keep thinking that this is a dream and that I'll wake up to see Dad's smiling face but I also saw the ashes and know it's not possible. I wish it were and sometimes wish I could go wherever he is. It is more than difficult, undescribable even, but I try to think that even if I never have some sort of contact with Dad again I am 50% him.

May 3, 2006

Hi all,

My dad died 4 months ago, 12/30 He was 78 and his illness was very sudden and sick 3 weeks before he died. For some time it looked like he was going to be ok. I also still feel like its a dream I will wake from. He is my last surviving parent and even though I have my own family I feel like an orphan. The relationship had its ups and downs but I always could count on my Dad when the chips were down and knew he loved me unconditionally. It hurts me so much that other people (in-laws and some friends) have dismissed his death and my adjustment to it as if because he was 78...it should be expected and I should somewhat not hurt as much.

I also want some sort of sign from my Dad that he is doing well on the other side. I do believe you are kept busy on the other side and need sometime to adjust. I try to keep optimistic that my dad will give me a sign when it is the right time. I have to believe he knows I need to have this as a confimation that he is around and happy. So in the meantime, I think, grieve for what we had and regret things that we didn't.

May 4, 2006

Hi everyone. I'm so glad I have found this site.

I lost my Dad in July 2005 and am still greiving badly. I don't know what do do.

I was always closer to and had more in common with my Dad. Although he was not demonstrative I think he loved me. My Mother I'm not so sure. My Mother is prone to blow-outs, not speaking for no apparently reason and other strange behaviors; things I didn't really want my kids exposed to but was willing to take the chance so they could have the experience of grandparents.

Last year (2005) at christmas my mother picked one of her classic fights. The gifts we gave them were crap, cheap, showed we disrespected them—how dare we spend so little...yada yada...and proceeded to hang up on me and refuse to take calls from me or her grand-kids (7 and 3) for 4 months.

I patched things with them (with much difficulty) by easter. It became increasingly apparent that my usually robust Father was not well. He had lost weight, was having low back and groin pain night sweats fevers; all things his doctor was blowing off as arthritis and the "scourge of old age". He refused to go back and "bother" the doctor any more with his problems but continued to become sicker and sicker and more and more depressed. My Mother for her part thought he was malingering and felt that if the doc said there was nothing wrong—that that was the final word and he was ok, so he should get up off his butt and stop complaining. After he dropped anther 10 pounds in 2 weeks, I took the two of them to an emergency care unit (my father couldn't walk by this point and one leg was swollen up like a balloon!—I was sure he had a clot!) so he could at least get another opinion.

Things started happening as soon as he saw another doctor and in a few days he was dxed with lymphoma and began treatment. The oncologist told us it was a small lymphoma and very treatable and after a couple of weeks he seemed to be coming along really well. My mother doesn't drive so i was shuttling her back and forth to the hospital him to chemo, but it felt good to have answers and what looked like a positive outcome in sight.

Then, out of the blue my mother shut us down again. No contact. Wouldn't answer phones, the door nothing. My brother who lives with them did the same thing. It was freaky and scary to loose contact at this time and I flipped. I kept calling every few days, leaving a message, checking their house, emailing my brother...but nothing.

At 2:10 am on July 4 2005 my mother finally called me in a panic, my father was dead (or looked like he was) what should she do? My 42 year old brother — useless screaming in the background to not go downstairs, don't look at him! I called 911 threw clothes on and raced down there to catch the EMT guys working on him but it was over, He was gone.

Massive stroke. Maybe because of the chemo. He was on blood thinnners but...

I took care of the arrangements because my Mother and brother were unable to. Over the next few weeks I tried to talk to my mother but again nothing.

And nothing since. We sent her flowers on her birthday and Easter and she chased the delivery person away with a broom. She told my husband she never wanted to see us again. She hated the chilren, she would call the police if we tried to make contact...crazy stuff. Meanwhile, my brother that lives with her will not speak to us either.

Although our relationship was rocky, I feel I've lost both parents at once, my kids have lost thier grandparents, thier uncle, my brother. Suddenly i have no family.

I miss my father so much and I am devastated that i was not able to say goodbye.

No one seems to get it. They thinnk, because he was 80 years old, it should have been expected. I think I should be over it all by now.

I'm seeing a therapist and my family doc has been helpful but I feel so lost sometimes.

thanks for listening.

Sandy

May 5, 2006

I completely understand what everyone is going though even though our situations are entirely different. My Dad was my world but people expect me to move on after little over a month - I don't blame them but don't really get why people (especially loved ones) do the things they do. It may be their own emotional issues, but I get angry when people say that "he was at that age and it's natural." My Dad was only 68 and the doctors predicted that he would be fine! I would like to share an address of a web site that I have found to be quite helpful, so if any of you read this and get a chance to visit it I highly recommend it.

http://www.hovforum.ipbhost.com/

If I got it wrong please let me know, but I have found that the people there post a lot and are all going through the same struggles that we are.

Kathy

May 6, 2006

I am new to here. I am glad I found people who are going through what I am. I felt like no one understood. You see I lost my mom on October 10, 2005. Life hasn\'t been the same since. She was my best friend, sister, and mama all in one. Tonite I saw a lady who reminded me of my mom while I was sitting in the car waiting for my son and I cried. It\'s not easy to get through this . Nice to know there are people I can talk to. Kim

May 7, 2006

I am new to here. I am glad I found people who are going through what I am. I felt like no one understood. You see I lost my mom on October 10, 2005. Life hasn\'t been the same since. She was my best friend, sister, and mama all in one. Tonite I saw a lady who reminded me of my mom while I was sitting in the car waiting for my son and I cried. It\'s not easy to get through this . Nice to know there are people I can talk to. Kim

Kim;

We are always here to talk to, it is nice that you found us. I have those days myself. It does\'t even have to be someone who looks like her. It can even be a flower that I know she liked or a favorite food... anything that I know has a connection with her. The other day it was a bird, my mom had caniries and had raised them for years, and loved to hear them sing. I heard a bird singing outside while on my break at work and stated to cry. Yesterday I had gotten up at 5am to take my mother-in-law to work and come home very tired, I was sitting on the sofa and drefted off a bit and she was there talking to me and I was talking back and than I realized... she isn\'t here... this can\'t be right... sat up real quick and looked around. She wasn\'t here. I was dreaming. She was so pretty and young. But she was so real!! Even though she wasn\'t really here... it was nice to see her but it was not a good way to start my day. I was off abit for the rest of the day. I have people tell me it will get easier, but I don\'t know about all that. I feel at some point with a lot of praying and God by my side I will someday learn to deal with it, but I don\'t know that it will ever be easier.

I will add you to my prayers and together we will get throgh this.

Paula

paulagford@yahoo.com

May 8, 2006

Hi everyone. I'm so glad I have found this site.
I lost my Dad in July 2005 and am still greiving badly. I don't know what do do.
I was always closer to and had more in common with my Dad. Although he was not demonstrative I think he loved me. My Mother I'm not so sure. My Mother is prone to blow-outs, not speaking for no apparently reason and other strange behaviors; things I didn't really want my kids exposed to but was willing to take the chance so they could have the experience of grandparents.
Last year (2005) at christmas my mother picked one of her classic fights. The gifts we gave them were crap, cheap, showed we disrespected them—how dare we spend so little...yada yada...and proceeded to hang up on me and refuse to take calls from me or her grand-kids (7 and 3) for 4 months.
I patched things with them (with much difficulty) by easter. It became increasingly apparent that my usually robust Father was not well. He had lost weight, was having low back and groin pain night sweats fevers; all things his doctor was blowing off as arthritis and the "scourge of old age". He refused to go back and "bother" the doctor any more with his problems but continued to become sicker and sicker and more and more depressed. My Mother for her part thought he was malingering and felt that if the doc said there was nothing wrong—that that was the final word and he was ok, so he should get up off his butt and stop complaining. After he dropped anther 10 pounds in 2 weeks, I took the two of them to an emergency care unit (my father couldn't walk by this point and one leg was swollen up like a balloon!—I was sure he had a clot!) so he could at least get another opinion.
Things started happening as soon as he saw another doctor and in a few days he was dxed with lymphoma and began treatment. The oncologist told us it was a small lymphoma and very treatable and after a couple of weeks he seemed to be coming along really well. My mother doesn't drive so i was shuttling her back and forth to the hospital him to chemo, but it felt good to have answers and what looked like a positive outcome in sight.
Then, out of the blue my mother shut us down again. No contact. Wouldn't answer phones, the door nothing. My brother who lives with them did the same thing. It was freaky and scary to loose contact at this time and I flipped. I kept calling every few days, leaving a message, checking their house, emailing my brother...but nothing.
At 2:10 am on July 4 2005 my mother finally called me in a panic, my father was dead (or looked like he was) what should she do? My 42 year old brother — useless screaming in the background to not go downstairs, don't look at him! I called 911 threw clothes on and raced down there to catch the EMT guys working on him but it was over, He was gone.
Massive stroke. Maybe because of the chemo. He was on blood thinnners but...
I took care of the arrangements because my Mother and brother were unable to. Over the next few weeks I tried to talk to my mother but again nothing.
And nothing since. We sent her flowers on her birthday and Easter and she chased the delivery person away with a broom. She told my husband she never wanted to see us again. She hated the chilren, she would call the police if we tried to make contact...crazy stuff. Meanwhile, my brother that lives with her will not speak to us either.
Although our relationship was rocky, I feel I've lost both parents at once, my kids have lost thier grandparents, thier uncle, my brother. Suddenly i have no family.
I miss my father so much and I am devastated that i was not able to say goodbye.
No one seems to get it. They thinnk, because he was 80 years old, it should have been expected. I think I should be over it all by now.
I'm seeing a therapist and my family doc has been helpful but I feel so lost sometimes.
thanks for listening.
Sandy

dear sandy, it sounds like my family. hang in there. i lost my father 1-29-06 and i know the "big guy" (my name for daddy) is looking in on us. i still cry myself to sleep and see a shrink but i would give the world for 5 mins. with daddy. my love for him will never die. linda

May 10, 2006

I miss my dad so much it hurts! Lost my dad, my mom and husband within 6 months of each other.....Grieving so deeply over my husband I haven't begun to mourn my parents....My dad was my hero and I never thought I would have to face his loss without my husband......god, I hate this rain!

May 11, 2006

it been a month now that mom been gone. it hurts so bad now with mothers day's comming up. i talk to her every day like if she was here with me

May 12, 2006

it been a month now that mom been gone. it hurts so bad now with mothers day's comming up. i talk to her every day like if she was here with me

I know exacly what you are going through. it's going to be tough. not just right now, but for the rest of your life. you feel so lonely and all you can say is that it's not fair. i am 17 years old and i have lost my mom and my dad. the sad part is that the both of their death anniversarys are both close to mothers day and fathers day. As sunday approaches quicker and quicker everyday i just want to run and hide, but i know that i cant because my mother wouldnt want me to do that, she would want me to celebrate her life and all that she have give me in her life time. This will be my 2nd mothers day without her and its true that 2nd year is the worse. her 2 year anniversary just passed on april 18th and that was even worse than the 1st year anniversary. i think that its because the first year, you are still in shock that she is gone, but the 2nd year you know that she is gone for good. like i said, its going to be tough, but you have everyone here on the site and your family and friends there to support you through it all.

good luck babe

ashley

May 12, 2006

Hello,

We have had requests on the suggestion board for something that people can wear to show they are grieivng. We created a pin and a braclet to let people know that we are remembering the ones we have loved. You can see them at http://www.redjetmedia.com/pins/special.htm. In the future we can make a pin that might say remember my mother or honor my father. This is the first in the series to see if these items appeal to people in helping them honor the memories of their loved ones.

Kelly

May 13, 2006

Ashley, you're so young, and carrying a profound sorrow. If you have someone you know and trust well, run to your friend rather than run from this pain. No matter where we run, we'll run back into this pain. The only way to get beyond it is by going straight through it. This is why this website was created. This is why we're all here. We've all felt loss. I do like your view in honor of your mom's wishes. Even though this hurts us beyond words, we can still look on their lives with joy. We always have reminders of their perfect, priceless love for us. I'll keep a prayer for you. I'm at this website since losing my daughter, and also facing my wife's terminal illness. Take care, and may you have peace for your heart this weekend.

May 13, 2006

I have posted on this site a few times since my mother passed away in March. I come here almost every day to read things that have been posted.

Today isn't a very good day for me. Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I have no one to turn to. So here I am. I feel that I have no one left to talk to or tell my problems too since she is gone. I have a husband and 4 children but it seems I am always alone. My husband has to work all weekend and that I understand, my kids left to go see their father and step-mother for the weekend. They have done this for the past 6 years and I have been ok with it, but this time I am not dealing very well. I have had about 3 hours sleep and I am going crazy and just sit and cry. The kids called to talk to me and their dad made them hang-up he said you see your mom all the time you are here to visit with us and my husband called to check on me and when I said it is a bad day he hung-up. I have no one!!! I feel that I could disappear and no one would even care. My family hasn't spoken to me since the funeral and now this. I am to the point that I just want to give up and go far away from everyone. Seems as though no one cares that I am hurting and that I need to talk to them. No one wants to hear it, it is to depressing and I should just get over it and move on. Well, it isn't that easy. I am trying to raise 4 teens, keep the house together, hold down a full time job and deal with this and just keep smiling and never talk about it. It isn't working to well so far I feel like I am losing my mind. Well, I am sure you have heard enough too.. so I will stop. Thanks for letting me air my pain and aggervation.

May 14, 2006

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL OF YOU MOTHERS OUT THERE. i am praying for those of you who are missing your mothers today. i became very upset today when i heard someone (an adult) say that they werent going to call their mother today and wish her a happy mothers day. i just sat there thinking to myself "you are so hateful and dont have a clue what you have- i wish i could pick up the phone and tell my mommy happy mothers day" but its no longer just a phone call today. today is hard for me. wishing that i could go out and buy mom a card and a present. oh how she loved mothers day. i could just smile at her and it would make her mothers day the best.

sorry i gotta cut it short. im walking out the door.

May 20, 2006

I am 52, I have two children ages 11 and 14, both girls. I moved to Arizona 10-1/2 years ago to be closer to my parents, was undergoing divorce at that time and really needed my family and needed to make some significant lifestyle changes. I have always been very close to my dad, pretty close to my mother as well although I think she drove a wedge between herself and me over the closeness to my father. Anyway, there's a tiny bit of background, very tiny. I have one brother, he lives in Northern California, has three sons, a lovely wife, both career people and do very well for themselves and their family.

Last July, my father's brother died, my uncle, with whom I was always close to, his family, his daughter and I grew up more like sisters than cousins. Day following my uncle's death, my father fell and broke his hip. Exactly 30 days after my uncle's death, my mother suddenly died (August 2005) of a ruptured cerebral aneurysm. They put her on life support immediately upon arrival to the E.R. but her wishes and her living will/directive, specifically said no heroics in an event just as this.

Over the next two days my father, brother and myself had telephonic conferences with my brother, making our final decision. The very first night I asked them to take the vent tube out but they had to also have two doctors who agreed with our wishes, and they wanted a final assessment of her neurological condition, so they flew my mother to Phoenix to Barrow's Neuro Hospital. After much conversation with a neurosurgeon and neurologists, I was able to look this world renown surgeon in the eye and say to him: "You cannot guarantee my mother will ever be the same person she was the day this event occurred. You and I both know that is not possible." He looked somewhat astounded at my strength and my wish to cease any further invasive care of any kind, but instead to remove the tube and let her go PER HER WISHES.

Two of the doctors said that most families really aren't able to do it, even though that is their loved one's directive, they ask for more to pull them back. I could not risk them somehow keeping her alive only to live like a vegetable, not being able to feed herself or wipe her own butt. My father, brother and myself merely wanted to HONOR her wishes. That didn't mean we didn't want her to live but we only wanted her to live as the person she had been and that was not possible with this kind of brain injury, I knew it, the neuro team knew it, and my brother and father knew it.

On the third day, per our wishes, they pulled the vent tube. I sat with her throughout the day and nearly nine hours later, she took her last breath. It was of great importance for me to be with her as she drew her last breath. She was with me when I took my first and it seemed "right" that I be with her as she drew her last.

I had a "cry room" at home. It really was just outside under a tree I had planted for a baby I lost years before. I went there and sat on my bench, and I mourned and cried when I needed to. I preferred being alone to mourn, I didn't want my children to see my weaknesses. I've raised my girls alone for a long time and I am their strength. I usually am very stoic and never show them my weakness. I mourned, hopefully. There isn't a book on "how to" mourn and when you're over it or when you stop missing them. This first Mother's Day was hard without her, holidays of 05 were hard without her.

But as if all this weren't enough, there was an accident on April 2nd. I responded first to this horrific accident on a freeway in Arizona. I saw the accident, and again it was horrific. I went to the car, I had the young boy in the car unlock his door for me and I pulled him to safety. Others behind me took the young boy to safety and away from the wreckage. I was yelling for any kind of cloth, towel or blanket, something to attempt to stop the father's bleeding head wound. The man was bleeding out fast from the wound. It was learned that brain was coming out his skull.

An emergency team was on the phone with bystanders and the emergency team wanted me to get him out of the car and start CPR. I knew if I were to start compressions, he'd bleed to death but I was also pretty sure he was already bleeding to death. No dice, I couldn't take him out, he was injured too badly to move. I could get a very faint pulse on him, then it became more and more faint and I watched as this young man went from life into death. I felt a connection, I tried to let him know that even though we were strangers, I cared and I was there, he was not alone. He was gone by the time paramedics arrived, he was gone within seven minutes.

When working on adrenalin, you don't know that something like this will freak you out later. That happened to me. I couldn't sleep for every time I closed my eyes I would see the accident play over and over and over, and I would see this young man die in front of me over and over and over. I saw my therapist and my psychiatrist who had already been doing their best to help me deal with my mother's loss. They said I had post-traumatic stress. I couldn't have agreed more. Finally after five weeks, I was able to start sleeping again but then....

My father became ill. We went to the E.R. three times in three weeks and each time they sent him home and treated him like he was just an old man who had nothing better to do that wait a total (all four trips) 80 hours in the E.R. in Mesa, Arizona. They just kept sending us away saying he had pain syndrome or it was due to his fibromyalgia or whatever lame diagnosis they gave.

On the fourth trip, I called 911 because he was having trouble breathing along with chest pain. I called and told them if they didn't admit him this time I'd go postal and they'd have to take me out of the lobby in a straight jacket. I thought the first, second and THIRD times he went in that he had congestive heart failure but being in the medical profession 34 years without an M.D. behind my name meant absolutely nothing and no one listened to me.

Turns out they admitted him on trip #4 to the E.R., and indeed, he had congestive heart failure but a simple blood test also revealed he had rhabdomyolysis, a serious illness caused by "statin" drugs, i.e., in his case, Levostatin (Mevacor), a cholesterol-lowering drug. The pain he complained of all four times to the E.R. finally made some sense, but NO ONE EVER TOOK BLOOD BEFORE THE FOURTH TRIP TO THE HOSPITAL. They might have been able to see he had the rhabdo the first time, had they bothered to a blood count or any kind of blood studies, but they didn't.

So, now we're dealing with rhabdomyolysis which eats away at the muscles around major organs, usually starting with the kidneys. Since my dad already apparently had the CHF for at least a little while, the rhabdo went after the muscles around his heart and now he is in end-stage congestive heart failure, and this is terminal. He was sent home on Hospice care. I have been caring for him since he came home along with the Hospice team who come several days a week.

Now I am losing my dad. It could be any time. My brother flew in from Northern California and tonight is my first night off so I have more time I guess, to think. I have a "cry room" at my dad's house and I go there daily. I haven't gone through one single day without crying, reflecting on this past year and wondering how I will ever get through all of this. I feel nothing but sadness, absolutely NOTHING but sadness and I can't shake it off.

I am bipolar to top everything off I've been through this year. I just wanted to write it all down because somehow writing it all down brings the realness back to me. Sometimes I just feel like I'm reading a sad book and it's not me in the story. My children have been absolutely incredible with all this, especially helping with my father. I don't know sometimes, how I can go on without both parents, or go on with the sadness that just won't go away from me.

I don't know if anyone can help make that happen but I wanted to share. Maybe someone has ideas how to help me. I feel like I just can't get one foot om front of the other sometimes and I don't do much but sleep when I get the chance to do anything other than care for my dad.

Call me very sad woman.

May 20, 2006