Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[beasley]

Hi,

I have been interested in the grieving process since two of my friends lost their sons at 16 years old. I went through the grieving process with my friends. One of my friends is Russian Orthodox and her greiving involved 40 days of mourning. This was a very enlightening time for me and created many changes in my life. It was a time of deep reflection about the purpose of life and life after death. Many changes occured in my life in the next few years that were directly related to the greiving process. I adopted four boys from Russia, started training for marathons with my daughter. I became extremely patient and able to deal with situations even in the midst of chaos. I felt a sense of peace. I am interested in the experiences of others. Has anyone felt the presence of their loved one after the death and in what way? Also, I am working on a question about grieving if anyone cares to respond to it. If you are interested, please go to:

http://freeonlinesurveys.com/rendersurvey.asp?sid=cnccculeysl6ovq241100

[masonkeith]

Hi there again everyone I am glad for this site to share with all of you. I would love to talk to others who are feeling a huge sense of guilt for the death of their loved one. I don't know why but I can't seem to shake the guilt. I was the one making all the decisions for my Dad and I feel responsible. Thanks for listening and I hope to hear from some of you.

[Guest Guest]

Hi Masonkeith, I too feel a horrible sense of guilt over the death of my dad, I was also responsible for his healthcare most of the time. I go over and over in my head what I may have done differently, I even play out different scenerio's in my mind and wish that I had done this or that differently. I know that his death was not my fault in any way, but this feeling won't go away. I almost feel as though I failed him somehow and I know that he wouldn't want me to feel this way. It's very tough to deal with, and eventually these feelings will subside, I felt this too when my mother passed away.

[messenger]

DEAR MASONKEITH AND GUEST.......PLEASE DONT WASTE PRECIOUS TIME WITH WHAT IFS.......YOU DID ALL YOU COULD FOR YOUR LOVED ONES..........PLEASE DONT LET GUILT TAKE OVER..YOUR LOVED ONES KNOW YOU DID ALL YOU COULD AND LOVE YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME AND SHOWING THEM THE LOVE THEY NEEDED...THEY ARE VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU BOTH..LET YOUR HEARTS REST IN PEACE............KNOWING YOU DID THE RIGHT THING FOR THEM AND THAT THEY ARE VERY GRATEFUL TO YOU!!!!!!!

MESSENGER

[princessdss]

i have been depressed and gone since losing my mom October 2nd and my dad August 7th...I don't know how to get my life together..i feel so lost without the both of them and now thursday has come and gone and i just pray in december the month does too.

[messenger]

PRINCESSDSS..........I AM SO SORRY YOU HAVE HAD TO GO THRU SO MUCH IN SUCH A SHORT TIME..............YOUR PARENTS ARE WATCHING OVER YOU...THEY HEAR ALL AND KNOW HOW YOU ARE SUFFERING....

DO YOU GO TO CHURCH?? THERE IS SO MUCH PEACE THERE...THAT IS HOW WE GOT THRU THE LOSS OF OUR SON AT AGE 27...IF NOT FOR OUR FAITH IN THE LORD AND FRIENDS...WE WOULD NOT HAVE DONE AS GOOD AS WE DID...YES.................WE ARE STILL HURTING AND NO WE WILL NEVER GET OVER IT..BUT WE KNOW HE IS WITH US STILL AND WATCHING OVER US..I TALK TO OUR SON ALL THE TIME.NOT CRAZY..JUST BELIEVE...HE IS STILL WITH US...

KEEP IN TOUCH WITH US ON BEYOND INDIGO.....WE WILL BE HERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO...HOPEFULLY WE CAN HELP YOU THRU THE HARD DAYS

KNOW YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[princessdss]

thank you....today is another weekend my folks did not come up on thursday to leave by tomaroow,...another empty holiday,and another empty weekend...i feel like the sofa and the Little House and The prairie and walton reruns are comfortiing for now...i don't care about the holidays which seem sad and mean since i have three small kids...just hard to modicate..i miss my parents..

[jc1030]

Hello everyone,

I am new to these boards so please bear with me. My father died at the end of October. He had a stroke and died 4 days later. It's been really hard especially since it happened around the time of the year when people are celebrating. Thanksgiving was hard enough. His birthday earlier in the week was hard too. I'm bracing myself for Christmas and New Year.

I guess it's normal to still be in shock. Everytime I go home to visit my mom, I get saddened anytime I see anything that belonged to my dad. When I enter the house I always expect to see my dad sitting in his study room looking up from reading the paper and see him smile; but not anymore. I have moments of feeling guilt because I didn't have the chance to see or talk to him one more time before the stroke because I had just got back from being out of town. Friends and co-workers have told me not to beat myself up about it because unless I had the sixth sense I couldn't have predicted this to happen. They're right of course, and I can only hope that someday I can in some way hear from my dad just so I can know he's ok and not to worry about him.

Although he was 82, my mom and I expected him to be able to reach 90. Other than his blood pressure and some depression issues, there was nothing to indicate that the stroke would happen. Whether he was taking his medication regularly we'll never know. It feels like anything good that happened to me and my family this past year have been completely overshadowed by this. All I can say is good riddance to 2006.

Thanks for listening to me.

[mofirefly]

jc1030 - I noticed in your post you said you guessed its normal to still be in shock. Well, for those of us who have lost a parent, you almost have to create a new difinition of what normal means. I lost my mom Sept 05 and I don't think I came out of the shock until recently...and there are still times I think she's just on a trip somewhere (which actually she is, but won't be round trip this time). Your loss is so recent and with all the "firsts" as some people refer to them, happening, you'll have a lot to deal with. Be sure to take care of yourself...and may 2007 be an easier year for you.

[lilly511]

The 'firsts'. Boy, they are not fun. I won't lie, and would not want to lie to myself about them. I have lost both of my parents to unnatural causes. Dad died in a car accident in 2003, and Mom died on Thanksgiving last year to cancer. There were just as many, if not more 'firsts' with Mom, although we had already lost Dad.

I wish I could provide ways to help people out, but I can't. Just keep going, and that's all you can do. And whoever said that 'Nobody has the right to tell you how you should feel or they know what you're going through' was right on. That's just a load of BS people say to try to make you feel better.......bless 'em, they just don't know any better.

Mom raised me since I was about 6 or so, and a lot of that time it was just me and her. We were very close, but not in an overly-affectionate sort of way. She always had great ways of giving advice and lending you help without even noticing that she was doing it. Like all people on this board, I just wanna pick up the phone and give her a ring and say "Hi Mom". My wife and I experienced a horrible tragedy 3 weeks ago.........we lost our youngest daughter Lilly. She was 18 months. Although I had felt comfortable recently with Mom's passing, there has been nothing I've wanted to do more in these past few weeks than to talk and mourn with her over my baby, and her granddaughter.

But she hardly new Lilly before she passed. I guess she'll get to know her now.

John

[Kelly]

Hello all,

Thank you for being members of our message boards. In March I am going and speaking to a group of funeral directors who really want to learn how to help their families they serve better. The discussion is to help the funeral directors think about what death means to them (including their own) so that they treat people with more companission. I could really use your help by answering this short survey. The results will be shared with this group of funeral directors but not your name. Please copy and cut this link into a new browser to take the survey http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=816323037425 .

Thanks!

Kelly Baltzell

President

Beyond Indigo

[Guest Guest]

I have just found this site - I lost my dad 10 yrs ago in a small plane crash- he was 49 and I was devastated and still feel his loss

-now I found myself suddenly without my mom (she was 59 and planning a large blow out for her 60th in July)

8:00 in the morning I get a call that Momma is on her way to the Hopital she might be having a stroke by 10:30 she was brain-dead. This was the week before Thanksgiving - I never thought I would face a Christmas without at least one of my parents

- Now both are just gone.

In my grief I seem to forget the grief my children a dealing with - She was very close to them had just had my two teen daughters with her for the weekend and had plan to take my youngest son on his \\"birthday\" day (never done on their birthdays) Sat he would have been the last for this year. The other 3 children got their special day with grandma. Now I just seem to be blabbering on and on .....Thank you so much for giving me a place to write and process

[Guest Guest]

I've have lost both of my parents also. My mom died unexpectedly in 1998 of a brain aneurysm. My dad went to wake her up and she was already gone. I was 21 yrs old then and eight months pregnant with my second child. I lost my dad nine days ago, Dec. 7th after a year and a half long battle with lung cancer. My dad decided in the beginning to have no treatment. He didn't want to be sick for the rest of his time. I was holding his hand when he died. As hard as that was it comforts me that I was able to be with him. Now I just feel lost. I'm 30 years old and I feel like a orphan. It feels weird that both of my parents are gone. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm grateful to have somewhere to share my feelings. Thankyou--

[Guest Guest]

This may not be the right place to start but I am looking for a beautiful poem or writing about " the clouds above are really curtains for heaven". Does anyone have this writing? My Mom died 10 days ago and I would love to have this for her memorial service in a few days. There is another one about "death is only a horizon and a horizon is only limited by our sight"... Any suggestions would be appreciated. Peace to all of you.

[princessdss]

the only poem i could find for you but may not be right is CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN i personally wished I could have read THE WALL about a rose and THE DASH but I never had the chance nor opportunity GOD BLESS

[princessdss]

could it be???Manosij Majumd?????????? The Clouds Above

[jhannon]

Today i brought a poinsetta to my moms grave it was so sad.I cried all day after ward.She passed in june from liver disease..SO this will be my first christmas without her she was 55..I still cant belive shes gone..This makes me so sad cause she loved christmas so much..Im finding today to be very hard today was the first day i saw her grave.Anyone else feeling sad at christmas time?

[sylviac]

jhannon-I am so sorry for your loss. I understand and hope you find solace as I have from those of us who share your experience. This will be my first Christmas too without my Daddy. I think it is harder for us that remain here because of the void they left... we just miss them so much! I try to picture in my mind how happy my Daddy must be now that he is free of his broken-down body that was not able to keep up with his spirit here on earth.

Both your mother and my Daddy will have their first Christmas in Heaven. They live on in our hearts....big hugs to you-Sylvia

[princessdss]

i really hate this whole holiday thing,now,everybody is so happy...when i am so so sad,,,how they can go about shopping and be happy?I am so angry that i won t have my mom and dad I wished everyone away and told folks LEAVE ME ALONE...maybe the "GRACEFULLNESS" i did not pertrade on thanksgiving GAVE THEM ALL A CLUE!!!!!!!!!!!i was a mess a complete diaster.....well what i really went on here for before anger over whelmsed me was two songs came on the radio as i drove my handicapped child to look at likes after aday of exhausting my self of cleaning111FELT GOOD TO TAKE OUT ANGER ON THE toilet!!!HEY THE HOUSE IS CLEAN...WELL ONE WAS chritmas shoes AND ANOTHER ONE ??ANYONE KNOW ITS ABOUT FIRST CHRITMAS UP IN HEAVEN?

[eirelassey]

I have recently lost my mother, father and oldest brother within 3 years. I atre dinner with them twice a week and I was part of their caregiving team when my Dad the love of my life was stricken with alzheimers. I took care of him also for 7 years along with my mother and brother who passed. I kind of feel abandoned and am lost I do not have a husbvand or family of my own and I do attribute it to all of the caregiving and stuff I was doing while I should have been out dating and enjoying life. Now I aM 45 YEARS OLD and I feel like it is too late for me I don't know how to let them go and move on whith my life. On top of this the women I thought who where mny friends pretty much stop calling me after my Mom died. Fair whethered friends I guess.

Please help me to let go and move on. I feel like they are still with me in my thoughts and in my head I hope I don't sound too crazy but I hate when people minimize your loss, and act like it will never happen to them. I am grateful for any positive responses. Thank you!

[jc1030]

Hello everyone,

Another week and it'll be two months since my father passed away from a stroke. There are so many times when I keep thinking whether it has actually happened. And then when I visit my mom, it's true.

As sad as I'm feeling right now, there are moments when I think whether it might have been his time to go at 82. As horrible as I feel when I think about this, I look back at his quality of life the last 13 years after his retirement. He never really left the house other than to go to the local grocery store, drugstore, or library, as well as going to his doctor's appointments. He would watch some TV and listen to some music, but because of his prosthetic he was probably too scared of doing any kind of traveling, and he had his depression issues which were finally dealt with using medication the last year and a half, but I can't help but think it was only going to get worse. It was also because of his depression that he basically cut himself off from the world and whatever friends and family he had left. He also never got involved with any activities outside of the house. So as sad as I am of his passing, part of me feels relieved that he doesn't have to deal with these issues anymore because I imagine for many people out there this isn't much of a life.

Now my mom and I have to deal with financial issues with his bank accounts and investments. Financially we'll be ok, but if I had to choose between this and having him back, in many ways I wish I could have him back, even with all his flaws and problems. I still have a lot of grieving to do, but I hope that someday I could get a sign from him to stop worrying and that I won't have to grieve for him as much anymore.

Jeff

[princessdss]

Well This Christmas holiday is FINALLY over!THANK GOD!! It pretty much sucked and sucked and was **** of a holiday...i miss everything I did with my mom and dad...i can't believe my dad has been gone since august 7th,i say to myself really agust to sep to oct to nov to DECEMBEr could those months be gone already and mommy was oct to nov to dec.so this was my first CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY without them,,,,i am so sad and lonely and sad

[mofirefly]

eirelassey - just read your post and wanted to share this thought. It sounds like you are a very caring person. Please try to not feel that life for you is over at 45. There's got to be people out there who need taking care of...perhaps you'd be able to volunteer at some sorta center and you could possible meet another caring person there who would like to take care of you. Ugh, when I read this is it not looking like what I want to say...but hope you understand some. As far as having your loved ones in your thoughts...there's nothing wrong with that at all...it's only been three years and you've lost so much. Maybe the kind of center you could go to is like a grief support group..I don't know how to help anyone, but I just want to be sure to say that I don't want you to think 45 is the end of a life...OK? Take care!

[jc1030]

Well, it's about 10:40, and I'm starting to feel a little relieved that Christmas is almost over. I stayed with my mom and aunt (who came to stay with my mom shortly after my dad died) the night before. We gave each other some small gifts; this year, I was just grateful to be with family this year, and I have my health. My mom tried to give me a comforting thought that when we were in the hospital with my dad, that she thinks he heard what we said to him. I can only hope that was the case.

Although I visited his grave the day before, it's still hard for me to realize that my dad is gone, and I could not help but breakdown everytime I passed by anything that belonged to him or rooms that he used where there was an empty chair that he used to sit in or bed he used to sleep in. There were brief moments when I felt that cold and lonely feeling I felt shortly after he died. Well, again it's good to know that I've kind of gotten through this hurdle. Whether it'll be better next year, I'll deal with it when the time comes.

Take care everyone,

Jeff

[Edmund]

hi eirelassy & others; i'm in the same boat @ 46, spent my life taking care of mom w/ ms & now totally lost. mom was from galway & such a saint-my best friend, then my kittycat died just to put frosting on the griefcake. you are not alone in your feelings & we on this board all pray for each other!-ed

[Guest Guest]

i was wondering if someone could help me. my father-in-law just passed away a week ago and my husband has been very distant from me. i lost my father at a much younger age and i just dont know what to say to him. im just looking for someone to help me help him thru this.

[Guest Guest]

i was wondering if someone could help me. my father-in-law just passed away a week ago and my husband has been very distant from me. i lost my father at a much younger age and i just dont know what to say to him. im just looking for someone to help me help him thru this.

[mofirefly]

Guest - The only thought I have right now is that sometimes when your overwhelmed with what has happened you sorta shut down - kinda like going on autopilot just to get thru routine stuff and your husband may be experiencing so many emotions that he just doesn't understand - and he's probably not even aware that he's appearing distant. For right now you might try just reaching out to hold his hand .. not even really say anything .. but let him know/feel that you are there to help him anyway you can. Don't know is any of this helps...another thought, maybe you could come to this site and leave it on so that he could read some posts. Maybe some of the men who post here would nave some insight that could help. Please take care!

[Guest Guest]

Reading through these posts, I understand what many are saying/feeling. In one week, it'll be 42 years since I my father died. It's even hard, still, to say that. I was a young child. Ever Christmas has been tough, remembering how he was suffering that last Christmas. Remembering being alone at Christmas because he couldn't handle the noise...just me and quiet paper dolls in a corner.

Two months ago, my mother died. She was in her 80's, lived a good life, and had been going through dimentia for several years. It was hard to loose her, but it was expected. I could handle that, I told myself. I also had my in-laws, grown children and things to look forward to.

A couple weeks ago, we learned my m-i-l has terminal cancer. With my mother being older than my in-laws, I thought I had time. I focused on mother's needs and not theirs. I'm reminded again, disease does not know age.

My husband is a wonderful man, loyal, patient, kind, but totally cut off from emotions. When "emotion" confronts him, he retreats. He didn't go with me to my mother's funeral (several states away) and he's not dealing with his mother's (also several states away) illness. He copes by filling his time with work or tasks around home.

My grown children are wonderful, but don't handle Mom being emotional. Mom is the strength of the family.

Like many of you, all these deaths around Christmas, well, I don't like Christmas. It's a reminder of loss and it's so much work and expense. I do it, and outwardly seem happy, to try to protect my family from feeling as awful as I do about Christmas.

In addition, we're loosing our families. Both of our families live a great distance from us. We try to keep in touch with email but never get responses to anything we send. I've seen it happen over the past few years as my mother was in the nursing home. I'm seeing it start to happen with my husband's brothers as the "link" (mother) is going through the terminal cancer.

With all that my questions: How do you break the cycle of negative things at Christmas to make it positive for those still here? How do you try to keep extended family together when everyone hurts? How to rid your life of the negative feelings of loss and replace with the positive memories? Suggestions welcome!!

[brat1of2]

this really isn't a reply. I just didnt know where to post so i hit reply. Sorry.

I MISS MY MOM! My mom, my sweet, carring, beautiful mother died Oct 14th 2006. She was 79 and it was unexpected. Really there one min and gone the next. My dad and I are lost without her. We love her so much. I still cry almost everyday and I miss her so much. Sometimes I just want to go with her. I want to hug her and tell her that I love her.

I am 42. It sounds like I am 4, I know, but this whole thing has really knocked me for a loop. Help.

Jenny

[mofirefly]

brat1of2 - Jenny, when you say you still cry almost everyday it sounds like you may think you shouldn't be crying...please realize there is no timetable for getting over the loss of someone you loved so dearly. Have you located the site loss of mom, or sudden death...they have many others who are sharing their thoughts and feelings. And just because you're 42 doesn't mean you have to behave any certain way. I'm 57, my mom was taken from me 16 months ago in a car accident (she was 77 and had never been sick and didn't take any medication) and I still cry at the drop of a hat (so to speak). Coming to these posts and sharing thoughts/feelings has been helpful...but believe me it takes a great deal of time to start coming to terms with what has happened to you. You've had a major portion of your life taken away and even as you start to recover from the griving, I don't think any of us truly recover from the missing of our moms. Please come to these site anytime you want to share or ask for help. May God cradle you in His arms and give you some comfort while you endure this burden of loss. Take Care!

Guest - I applaud you for wanting to start focusing on the positive side of the holidays. I haven't seen much advise on the subject, I just know that I always loved Christmas and even after losing my mom...I couldn't face losing Christmas too...so I just do my absolute best during the holidays to try and focus on good thoughts...it's not easy...but I don't know what else to do. As for keeping family together...I only have my brother and he lives 2500 miles away, I call him often and we do hope to see each other, but now that visiting mom is not required I doubt he'll be coming around and I can't afford to go see him. Hope that there are others here that can provide you with some positive suggestions. Take Care!

[princessdss]

well i am glad the holidays are over and the lights and tree is finally put away..I can deal with not being reminded of the thaksgiving and christmas holiday of 05 with my folks........thanksgiving of 05 was incredible how mom and i made turkey then chritmas was so exciting with tubs of gifts then celebrating 2006 at my house ringing in new years with my mom and dad...only to 7 months later to be taken all away...it seems like august of 2006 was yesterday and october 2006 was just a few hours ago and that we did not just have halloween and thanksgiving and christmas and New year...that it could not have been already 30 days,plus 30 days and 30 days ........and others have gotten on with their life.....as i still sit and think of the funeral and the what ifs...and what i said to them both before they passed away and why i could n t be there when they did........i hate not being contacted by family.......and not to speak of the laywer.i have not heard from my moms lawyer still.........my aunt cleaned the house with my uncle and had two estate sales.......still this is all to hard........to bare

[jc1030]

Princess,

I'm with you in that I'm glad the holidays are over. As much as I was glad New Year's arrived, I've actually been sadder. I guess it was because of the realization that this will be the first full year without my dad, and pretty soon my mom is going to start living on her own as my aunt who's been staying with her for the past two and a half months will be leaving this weekend.

I hope 2007 will be a better year, but it'll certainly be tough when I go through my first Father's Day without him, and then the one-year anniversary of his death. There are times I still beat myself up about the moments I've discussed before. Maybe as the year goes by things will get a bit easier. If they still don't, then so be it. I'm not on any timetable to move forward.

Jeff

[jackiewitter]

Jenny,

First let me say how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. Mothers are so very special. In the last 4 years I have lost my mother, my father and just 5 months ago my baby brother, he was not a baby, he was 42, but he was my baby brother. 2nd, I truly believe you are in the right place for help and support. I have been here a short while but have already found some peace. But...that's today, tomorrow may be completely different. One of the best things about being here is that there are so many people with different experiences but they all come back to one thing. Grief is so very multifaceted. It seems to take your emotions and just scatter them. Unfortunately the tears don't have a hold button. Please know that there are people here who truly care. I hope you find peace, please feel free to email me. God bless you.

[Guest Guest]

I'm lost here...

My father just died unexpectedly on New Year's Eve of a "cardiac event" (that's what the death certificate said). My mother came home and found him on the floor in the dining room....my husband and I raced over in time to see the paramedics bringing him out of the house on the gurney, purple. He was 69.

Last week moved so fast with the wake and the funeral and family and friends coming in, and this week moved quickly sorting through his benefits and life insurance. I am taking care of my mother the best I can. She's destroyed.

Now, I don't know what to do. My mother is a mess--she's unable to cry. I, on the other hand, can keep it together for very short amounts of time. I feel terrible, I'm exhausted, and I don't know what to do. I'm not sleeping and I can't quite wrap my brain around that my father, who I measured all other men in my life by, is gone. He and I shared a very special relationship--I inhereited all the good and bad in me from him. I share his compulsions and the way he thinks. I know how he has the bills and important documents organized.

I love my mother, but my bond with my father is beyond words.

Does anyone know of any books that might help me sort out what I should be feeling, doing, not doing?

Frankly, I'm lost.

[libra1]

Dear Guest, I lost my mom to a sudden massive heart attack April/06. I'm still shocked by this as she never had heart problems before. I don't know of any books, but I do know that there are plenty available. Go to a well known book store, I'm sure someone will help you. Other thing is keep in touch with this site. It has truly helped me. Whenever i'm down, I come here. Reading the other posts helps me make sense of my feelings of loss. It's very early days for you. I'd say just let the grieving process happen naturally. Cry when you want to , be strong when you can. YOu'll have good days and some really bad ones and lots of triggers. It's a roller coaster ride ahead of you. My focus has been my dad, though I was closer to my mom. I'm know discovering a whole new relationship with my father. Your mom really needs you right now. Just continue being who you are...take care of yourself.

[frankie7]

I lost my Dad on Dec 2nd, 2006 (59 days ago). I unlocked his apartment door with the key he had given me just months before, concerned that I had not been able to reach him by phone. I could see that he was slumped down in his chair. I couldn't see his face from where I stood, but I could see that his chest wasn't moving. I was trembling as I got close enough to see his head slumped over to one side and fluid coming out the side of his mouth. I screamed without making sound and backed out the door and locked it. I wanted to die right there, I wanted to scream until I couldn't scream anymore but my kids were outside in the car. They had just lost their great grandfather a few months before so I had to pretend that nothing was wrong until I could get them home and someone there to watch them. I got strength from knowing how much my Dad would hate it if they were traumatized and also from the unshakable faith my father had in me to stay strong when no one else could. This was about 11 pm. We were supposed to go to his nephew's (my cousin's 50th birthday party that night)but I hadn't been able to reach him. I had a bad feeling even though he had successfully gotten through a triple bypass in October and his prognosis was good…..we had plans!!! The surgery staff were amazed at his progress. What the hell happened? I guess I’ll never know, I refused an autopsy, I didn’t want them cutting on him anymore. We went to Tahoe the week before and he was great. He got the flu…could that kill him? Dehydration??? I had just seen him a few days before, sick yes, dying - NO.

My husband was waiting out in the hall, I wouldn't let him come in with my because I wasn't sure what I was going to find. After that, I didn’t want anyone who didn’t have to see him , seeing him. My dad’s dignity was foremost in my mind. I took my kids home, drove back to my Dad’s apartment and called 911. I unlocked the door for the paramedics but I couldn’t go back in. It was 4:30 am when everything that needed to happen did and the mortuary came and picked him up. I couldn’t leave him until I knew that he was taken care of. When I got home, the video “Hurt” by Christine Aguilera was on. If you have lost your father, check it out….Deep!

Anyway the services are over, folks have stopped calling and I’m going through it. I am terrified of living in a world without him in it. But I can almost hear him telling me - “Don’t you let this screw up your life”, “You live, I had my life”. I cry all the time, not in front of my kids if I can help it, but I can’t always help it. I am suddenly looking for answers to questions about my spirituality. If I ever needed it, I need it now. I promise you Dad, I will make something positive come out of this. I promise to grow in some way because of it. I won’t let you down. I lost the only person on the planet who ever had unqualified faith and pride in me. The one who brought out the very best in me. I keep telling my friends to be sure and let the ones they love know that they do and to forgive them for whatever mistakes they may have made and apologize for their own. Thank god, my dad and I had started covering some of that ground or it would have been completely unbearable. As it is, I have a running dialogue in my head of things I wish I had said. Would of, could of…….should of.

[messenger]

DEAR FRANKIE7

PLEASE DONT WASTE TIME WITH THE WHAT IFS AND SO ON...YOU MENTIONED YOUR FATHERS UNSHAKABLE FAITH..AND HOW YOU WERE LOOKING FOR ANSWERS TO YOUR SPIRITUALITY....WHY NOT CHECK OUT A CHURCH AND THERE YOU WILL FIND PEACE AND SEE WHY YOUR FATHERS FAITH WAS SO STRONG?? I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSSES....BUT I KNOW YOU ARE A STRONG PERSON BY WHAT YOU WROTE AND I CAN SEE YOU ARE GOING TO BE FINE..IT WILL BE HARD...BUT YOU WANT TO SHOW YOUR FATHER THAT SOMETHING POSITIVE CAN COME FROM THIS.......AND I FEEL YOU CAN....YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[4everjoeysmom]

Frankie7, I am so sorry for your loss and pain. A Scripture that I find comfort in is:

1Pe 5:10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

It sounds to me from what you describe that God is calling you... My son Patrick and his dad also were called by God after the loss of my son Joey. He is waiting for you to respond, and to trust that He is always there, with you in your trials.

If you would like to e-mail me (clab2010@yahoo.com) to ask lots of questions or explore further, I would welcome your e-mail visits. I am a Christian, currently serving in missions in South America...before, during and after the loss of a child. Love & Blessings, Claudia

[gbear123]

I am sorry for your loss. I just lost my mother as well, right on Christmas December 25th. I am in the same situation as you. My mother had a minor stroke two years ago, and thankfully I had two very good years with her at the end, spent as much time as I could with her, and always told her I loved her. I am so blessed to have had that time with her and I am grateful everyday. But then she had a second stroke, collapsed in the bathroom. I regret not having been with her at that moment because that would have, could have been my last moments with her. It was a horrible December holiday time with my time spent either in the hospital or the hospice. I will never forget seeing her take her last breath. It was the worst experience of my life and i dont know if I will ever forget that image or recover from it.

I wanted to let you know of a book I read just after the funeral and everything that I highly recommend. "For One More Day" by Mitch Album. All I can say is it will comfort you and make you think. Please read it.

[princessdss]

FRANKIE7:I HAVE NOT REALLY BEEN ON SINCE THE PASSING OF MY FATHER AUGUST 7 2006 AND MOTHER OCTOBER 2 2006 I HAVE MUCH EMPATHY AND SYMPATHY AS YOU GO DOWN THIS JOURNEY BE KIND TO YOUR SELF IF YOU ONLY GET ONE THING DONE WHETHER ITS WASHING A PILE OF CLOTHES OR LOADING THE DISHWASHER IF YOU TAKE ASHOWER AND GET INTO FRESH CLOTHES I HAVE NOT GOTTEN INTO ANY ROUTINES AND THE HOLIDAYS HAVE PASSED BY AND THE PEOPLE STOPPED CALLING AND ALL HAVE GONE HOME AND YOU WILL GET LONELY AND SPIRITUAL NEED I FEEL COMFORT HERE..WHEN I NEED IT MOST...THEN CHURCH..ON LOW ATTENDANCE DAYS...WEDNESDAY WORKS FOR ME...I FEEL SAD AND DEPRESS...THEN IT PASSES THEN THE NEXT DAY THEN NIGHT...IT SEEMS LIKE OTHERS HAVE ALREADY GOTTEN ON WITH THEIR LIVES,AND I AM STUCK....THERE HAS BEEN MUCH DEATH AROUND ME SINCE MY PARENTS HAVE LEFT THAT I DON T KNOW WHERE TO GO OR DO.....ITS LIKE I CAUSED OTHERS TO DIE OR SOMETHING//AS ODD AS THAT SOUNDS.......MY DAD TOOK SICK WITH CANCER..TWO MOMS AT OUR SCHOOL DAUGHTERS HAVE DIED FROM CAR CRASHES,ANOTHER HOME OWNER I HELPED BUILD HER HOUSE DIE OF DRUG OVERDOSE,BEFORE THAT ANOTHER HOME OWNER I HELPED BUILD HER HOME DIED OF OBESITY AND NOW A MOM OF THREE MURDER BY A LONGTIME FRIEND....I KEEP ASKING MYSELF HOW AND WHY ALLTHESE DEATHS.SO SENSLESS

[soulnik]

Both of my parents died in 2005. I think I posted here when it first happened. My mom on March 18th and my dad on May 6th. I think I am only now starting to get it. And I am a total mess. I am turning 34 in less than a month. I just quit my job and decided to move out of the city, back home to where I am from. I simply cannot function in my life anymore. Two weeks ago I was suicidal and thought I'd have to be hospitalized. When my mom died, it was expected. I took one week off from work and kept it moving. My dad was a shocker, though, so I took a month off and I don't remember anything but being angry and really wired. But then I went back to work, got a promotion to a high stress job and soon after, left that job for an even more stressful job. At this point, I am walking away from my career and my life as I know it. I have to hit the reset button on my whole existence. And I have to take some time to grieve. I haven't done that.

I am crying like it's my job these days. I am talking to my parents more. I sit and have whole, one-sided conversations with my mom. I miss her so much that my body hurts. She drove me INSANE when she was alive. I avoided her and we were often angry with each other. When I talk to her now. I talk a lot about how much I wish we could have done things differently. I also talk a lot about forgiving both of us. We both always did the best we could.

I keep thinking: how could I have known that the first love I ever had - that parental love - was so exquisitely intense and consuming, so strong, that when it was gone, it would take a part of me with it? How could I know then, while they were here, that they were so connected to me that when I lost them, it would actually leave a mark on me? And how is the FACTS of their love supposed to make up for the loss of the ACTS of their love in my life? They were present and now I can’t even hear their voices. No matter how much I talk to my parents and no matter how much I try to make myself believe (Lord help my unbelief) that my parents still exist and are active in my life, the fact is, I couldn’t go see Dreamgirls with them. They would have loved that. I hate that!

I want my parents back.

[shoesmp]

My dad was sick for 2 months. He was in the hospital for phemonia and then bleeding ulcers and during all this he began to suffer from renal failure. On 12/9/06, my mom, my brother and me planned his funeral. Respectful and sad..we planned it. On 12/11/06 my mother suddenly and swiftly passed away from a massive heartattack and the loss has been utterly devastating. We had too tell my dad the next day that his beloved wife of 46 years died quickly and with no pain...He passed away 8 days later in hospice. Today I continue to grieve my parents but my mother is where my heart lays the heaviest. I wasn't and will never accept such a great loss to me being her only daughter and her best friend. I know that in time the pain will subside but in the meantime...I struggle with the loss of my lovely mother and my wonderful father...oh, how i miss them.

[frankie7]

To everyone who replied to my posting. Thank you for your kind words and support. I feel what you're feeling and something else, I am so afraid for my kids. I do not want them to go through what I'm going through right now. I wonder if I had known what it felt like to lose my father if I would have had kids at all. If I were dying I don't think I could stand the thought of what it was doing to my children, not if it felt like this. This is deep and I know I am not giving in to the sorrow, I truly am only entertaining comforting thgouhts....I know if I were to give into despair that it would be a long road out. And even so, the sheer sadness of it overwhelms me. I'm just sad, to the bone. I lost my mother in 1991 to ovarian cancer but we were never close like my Dad and I. I miss her and wish that we had had the time to mend the way my father and I had but it was never like this. I think I had time to prepare for her death but this hit me like a ton of bricks. I am doing my best to assure my twins that I will live on as long as their own hearts beat because I am in there. They lost 2 grandfathers in 06 and of course they are affected and afraid. My 10 year ol daughter is so wise. I try not to cry in front of them, but of course it happens. When she found me crying once, I apologized and she said "Mom, it's OK to cry, you have to cry, just don't let it consume you". From the mouths of Babes....

Frankie7

[jackiewitter]

Hi Frankie

It's funny you brought that up because I was talking with my daughter about it tonight. I read in one of my grief books that the loss of a sibling brings to light your own mortality. That is something that I am battling with right now. The loss of my parents did not hit me nearly as hard as my brother's death. My baby brother!! Thoughts of my children just flooded my mind. My children are young adults, 26, 24, 22 & 18. That kills me...my daughters would be crushed. I have conversations regularly with my oldest to make sure that my youngest is taken care of in case something happens. I am almost obsessed with it. These thoughts can be so consuming. You cannot be faulted with trying to put off the grief and the sadness. It can sometimes be more than you can bear. The grief will come, you cannot stop it, but you can try to take it in pieces. When it's so overwhelming try to take a piece of the good stuff with it. The good may only relieve you for a minute, but that might be all that you need is a minute or two to catch your breath. Right now I get up every morning know that I will address this day without my brother, but I remember his smile and I try to take that with me. I force myself to remember something about him that makes me smile. If it takes over the sorrow only for a moment or two, that might be all that I needed at that time. I truly believe that this has changed my life forever. I am no longer the person that I was and I will never be that person again. I just have to build on what I have left. I cannot worry what will happen to my children if I am gone, I just have to make wonderful memories for them that they cab fall back on when I am gone. I am trying to live in the present, not the past and not the future. I am trying to take pieces of the past with me. If I take him with me into the future, then even if it's only in my mind he is still here. Peace...Jackie (Jeffrey's sister)

[Guest Guest]

I recently lost my Mom on January 14, 2007. She had been sick and in the hospital for six weeks. Then we (my sister and I) moved her to a nursing home for rehabilitation. Unfortunately, she just got weaker and well died.

I miss her so very much. I miss talking to her. Even though she had been sick and basically unable to respond to much conversation, I miss her. I keep thinking to call and check on her.

My dad passed away in 2000, from a massive heart attack. He was only 70. My mother was 85. Although people tell me that she lived a long life, I should be greatful. But no matter what age, I don't think you are ever ready to give your mom up.

[gbear123]

I understand how you feel. I miss my mother everyday. I can't get the picture of seeing her at her last moments out of my head. I want to now focus on remembering the good things and the good times I spent with her. Remember, your mother and father are at peace now and not suffering.

I recently lost my Mom on January 14, 2007. She had been sick and in the hospital for six weeks. Then we (my sister and I) moved her to a nursing home for rehabilitation. Unfortunately, she just got weaker and well died.

I miss her so very much. I miss talking to her. Even though she had been sick and basically unable to respond to much conversation, I miss her. I keep thinking to call and check on her.

My dad passed away in 2000, from a massive heart attack. He was only 70. My mother was 85. Although people tell me that she lived a long life, I should be greatful. But no matter what age, I don't think you are ever ready to give your mom up.

[Edmund]

hi messenger & all the others. it is a nightmare to lose anyone. saw hallmark tv movie last nite "valley of light", kind of corny but cried a lot during it. the occasional dream w/ mom in it really helps me, but still feel alone. now talk out loud to mom & don't feel weird about it. mom's sister agatha in california passed away s a couple weeks ago (leukemia) & i think maybe they call each other up when the suffering gets too much on earth. i've been saying the memorarie (sp?) prayer to the Virgin Mary & that can help, along w/ others.i thought by now i would be fine but i'm still a big crying mess. @ least we all had great love @ one time b/c otherwise we would move on too quickly...ed

[Guest Guest]

I recently lost my Mom on January 14, 2007. She had been sick and in the hospital for six weeks. Then we (my sister and I) moved her to a nursing home for rehabilitation. Unfortunately, she just got weaker and well died.

I miss her so very much. I miss talking to her. Even though she had been sick and basically unable to respond to much conversation, I miss her. I keep thinking to call and check on her.

My dad passed away in 2000, from a massive heart attack. He was only 70. My mother was 85. Although people tell me that she lived a long life, I should be greatful. But no matter what age, I don't think you are ever ready to give your mom up.

[Guest Guest]

Hello,

I just found this message board while I was searching through my tears.

So...

I am a very lonely man right now. I lost my mother Jan. 24th, 2007 and things have been a crazy ride since. First of all, my mother had many health problems but always found the strength to fight through them. Jan. 12th ( I believe) is when things changed for the worse. She was getting out of bed, like she normally does and she lost her balance, fell and landed on her head. To make a long story short, this put her in emergency brain surgery and was in a coma for the next 2 weeks. Doctors were all saying they were confident she would wake up but it would just take time. So, that being said, here is Jan 24 and I received a call saying they were moving her to a rehab facility, literally 2 minutes from my house. This was exciting for many reasons but I was happy we as a family did not have to travel into boston and deal with the traffic, expenses and the long days. Being closer to us was much easier. On this day, I left work early to meet my mother at the rehab. I stopped home to change and my phone rang. It was my dad with the worst news I will ever hear. My mom didn't make it and had complications during the transfer. From that point on, I have not been the same.

It's been a process to say the least. Feelings of anger, guilt..the list goes on and on. At first I thought it was just me but after doing research on grieving, I'm learning that it's all very natural. That's good but if only it made it easier knowing that.

So anyway, last saturday I went to the cemetary for the first time and once again, I have not been the same since. This time I have fallen deeper into the hole of sadness. I feel so alone. Nobody knows what to say or do. I talk, they listen but they just don't really know what I feel like inside. I cry constantly. I'm a 30 year old man crying like a 1 day old baby. Sobbing and talking to my mom. This is by far the toughest battle of my life. One that I'm not sure I can overcome. Normally I feel I am a strong person and can move on but this has just left me feeling so devestated that I can't see the day when this gets easier.

My mother and I had a very special relationship. I was a troubled teen and with everything I put my parents through, they always stuck by me. My mom just had this way to make things better. During my bad years, she eventually got through to me and I changed my life around, slowly but surely. I always called my mom on the phone just to hear her voice, even if I had nothing to say. This is one aspect I am struggling greatly with. I miss calling and harassing her (or vice versa). I miss having her there whenever I wanted to talk to her or even see her. I really could go on and on but I'll wind it down now...

So, I'm miserable. I realize this is normal but I can't function with my life. It seems to be getting harder and harder each day, instead of getting better day to day. I want to work through this by myself but I think I might be better off seeing a professional. I do feel this spiraling out of control. I have bad thoughts sometimes, nothing I would act on but I do think life would be easier if I weren't here to deal with this. But that's not fair to my family, or myself. I'm just grieving, terribly. I will keep fighting and finding places to write about my feelings to help...somewhat anyway.

Anyway, sorry for the long post, I just needed to let that out.

I love you mom!