Adults Who Have Lost Their Parents

[cmr312]

Hi callomega... I just ran across this board, and thought I'd respond to your message so you'd know that you're NOT alone in your situation. I'm 37, single, with no children. (And yes, I always wanted kids & assumed I'd have them just like "everyone else" does...)

My father died when I was 19 and my mother died just 5 weeks ago. She was my BEST friend in the world, and I already miss her terribly. I'm still processing it all at this point, but I can DEFINITELY relate to your feelings about it feeling so "unfair" to have lost both my parents while most of my friends/other people my age still have both of theirs (and will likely have them for another 20-25 years!)

Our stories differ in the fact that I had so many years to adjust to the death of my father before my mother died... Losing both parents in such a short time span has to be extremely difficult. Of course, I'd give anything to have had my dad around for the last 18 years, so I think it kinda sucks either way!

Like you, I also feel that not having children makes it even more difficult to accept/deal with this loss. My mom was my main "connection" to the world - the person who cared more about me than anyone/anything else in the world. That parent/child relationship is just irreplaceable, and in many ways I feel "disconnected" from the world without it. I have 2 siblings, 4 nieces/nephews and some great friends, and I'm VERY grateful for all of them, but it's just not the same thing. I'm no one's daughter, no one's mother... not even anyone's wife/girlfriend, for god's sake! ... I swear, sometimes I wonder what the heck i did to deserve this(!) Then, other times I figure, "if I can get through this, I can get through anything!" So I guess it's all in how you look at it...

Since you may very well never read this, I'm going to stop rambling now! If you feel like responding, though, I'd like to hear more about your story, how your holidays went, etc.

Take care,

-C

[alaw05]

This is my first time ever posting a message on any type of message board. I was touched by the number of similar stories. I lost my father at the age of 16 and I lost my mother this July. The death of my father was hard, but the death of my mother is near unbearable. I, like Cmr312, do not have any children, nor am I married. I do have a boyfriend, but I find it difficult to talk to him about my feelings because he cannot possibly understand. It does seem quite unfair to loose both of my parents at such an early age (26), and with so many important events on the horizon; career, marriage, childern. Right now I am struggling with the "why me" issue. Thanks for sharing your story Cmr312.

[mariam]

This is my first time ever using a message board. But, I really need to talk to someone and no one seems to understand. I just recently lost both my mother and father within two weeks of each other, and I'm at such a loss. I have three siblings and none of them have talked about their feelings or how this has impacted them. It seems like all my friends are scared to talk to me. I'm having a very hard time realizing that at age 26 I am orphaned.

I've read a lot of storied that are similar to my own. Please let me know if there are any strategies with coping with this kind of pain. Or please contact me if you would like to talk.

[angelbopierre]

Hi.

I sympathize with every single one of your stories, and admire the strength of those of you who took care of ailing parents. I can't even imagine how that feels.

My mom died very suddenly, right before Christmas in 2003, a few months after my 20th birthday.

My father died before I was born, and I have no siblings, so my entire life... well, all 20 years, it was just me and my mom.

In early 2003 my mother chose early retirement from her job. She took the cash, made a large fund, and bought a new, big house, just for me and her, in the suburbs near New York City. I left my college- dorm and all- and transfered to one near the house, to move in with her. We moved into my moms dream house in early July. On December 13th I woke up and found my mom on the floor. The paramedic called it a sudden heart attack.

I'd like to tell you what the hardest part of everything is, but I can't decide if it's the fact that I'm 21 years old with no family, in a new town where I hardly know anyone. Or if it's the lawyers and tax people calling all the time, for me to settle credit card debts (it WAS Christmas when she died), or to handle the estate. Or if it's that the friends I have made can all stay out on the weekends cause, hey, they're 21 yr old kids with limited responsibility, and I have to go home all the time, and take care of the animals, and clean a huge house, and pay the bills on time, and juggle school and a part time job and run a household.

I think what hurts the most is not looking back at the past at what I miss, even though that hurts like crazy... but, looking at the future, and what will never happen. Like, my mom helping me out at my wedding, if I ever get married.. or having a father to walk me down the aisle. Or giving them grandkids. I didn't even apply for my cap and gown because I have no one to cheer me on in the audience.

To mariam and anyone else, I guess I'd say the best coping mechanism is to just keep going. It's kept me sane many times when I felt like I would break apart. Your friends are gunna be scared, their not gunna know what to say. They don't realize it hurts just when they tell you they had lunch with their folks, or that sometimes you wanna be sad, and sometimes you don't.

I don't know. I guess we just have to come to the realization that we're different now. Not better or worse... just different.

[dcprince]

Hello everyone.

My heart goes out to each of you as I know that pain that you are going through. I feel blessed that I had my parents for so many years and we shared so much of our lives with them. We use to double date, go dancing, out to dinner, family get togethers. etc, etc. Next month will be the first year anniversary of the loss of both of my parents within 3 weeks of each other and yet in my heart it still feels like yesterday. I was the caretaker for them. My Father was 87 and had lost his memory and my Mother was 84 but a young 84. She was caring for my Dad but was getting so tired. We couldn't figure out why she was so tired. I was the sibling that did the yard work, go to the grocery, take them to the doctor, etc. When finally we went to a specialist and he told us that my Mother had maybe six months to live without any surgery and with surgery 4 to 6 years. It was like someone hit us with a 2 by 4. We couldn't believe what he said. My Mother had the hardest time trying to decide if she wanted to go through such a surgery. It was that day that the tears started for me. You see my Mother wasn\'t just my Mother she was my best friend. We lived only a few miles apart and we spoke every day 3 or 4 times a day. Since she had gotten so tired while trying to care for my Dad, I would go over and get Dad ready for the day and then get him ready for bed at night. To make a long story short, my Mother did have the surgery but because she was so weak going into the surgery, she really didn't have a fair chance. She was operated on Dec. 10, 2003. I brought her home to my house Dec 24 2003. That was all I wanted for Christmas, just to have my Mom home. I had to put my Dad in a nursing home right before my Mother's surgery and I spent the next several months dividing the time between he nursing home and the hospital making sure that I visited Dad 2 times a day and the rest of the time was spent with Mom. My Dad knew he wasn\'t home and missed his sweetheart so much. Finally in February we brought Dad to our home. He and Mom had a wonderful reunion then 4 days later my Dad died. Then 3 weeks later my Mother died. I made it through the planning of the funerals and taking care of their home, getting it ready for the real estate market, but through tears every day. I am so very grateful for the wonderful parents that they were, for the beautiful memories that we have. My Dad loved the piano and played very well. Bless his heart he taped himself playing the piano so I have wonderful music to listen to and a tape of them talking about their life history. My siblings seem to be handling everything just fine but I cry every day. I miss them so terribly. Everything reminds me of them. My Mom and I were so much a like and liked the same things. There is so much that I could talk about but I don't want to just ramble so I will just thank you for telling your stories and letting me realize that there are others who feel the same pain that I do. I don't know how I can have any tears left but they still come. I have seen a counselor, a doctor but nothing helps. I am sure it will just take time. I miss them so very much. Thanks for letting me tell my story. I do feel like an orphan and long for them. God bless each of you.

[gmurak]

Hi everyone, I'm so sorry for your loss,

Fathers Day has not been easy for me for 21 years. My dad passed away in 1984, and I have been struggling with his loss. I have been speaking for 14 years and have often referred to my late father as a continued source of energy and inspiration for me. Audiences have been encouraging me to write "Our Fathers Who Art in Heaven and What They Continue to Teach Us". I published a sneak preview last year for Fathers Day and I gave a speech to initiate the project. My vision is for the proceeds from the full book, which will be coming out this April, to be used as an educational and inspirational resource for those who have lost their father.

I'm planning on organizing a Father's Day rally in Buffalo, NY.

If you were to attend a rally on Father's day in line with the Vision, what would you like to have happen on that day?

Feel free to post your comments here or in my blog

http://murak.blogs.com/ourfatherswhoartinheaven/

http://www.ofwaihf.org/

Thank you in advance for your comments.

[sadjenny]

Hi.

I sympathize with every single one of your stories, and admire the strength of those of you who took care of ailing parents. I can't even imagine how that feels.

My mom died very suddenly, right before Christmas in 2003, a few months after my 20th birthday.

My father died before I was born, and I have no siblings, so my entire life... well, all 20 years, it was just me and my mom.

In early 2003 my mother chose early retirement from her job. She took the cash, made a large fund, and bought a new, big house, just for me and her, in the suburbs near New York City. I left my college- dorm and all- and transfered to one near the house, to move in with her. We moved into my moms dream house in early July. On December 13th I woke up and found my mom on the floor. The paramedic called it a sudden heart attack.

I'd like to tell you what the hardest part of everything is, but I can't decide if it's the fact that I'm 21 years old with no family, in a new town where I hardly know anyone. Or if it's the lawyers and tax people calling all the time, for me to settle credit card debts (it WAS Christmas when she died), or to handle the estate. Or if it's that the friends I have made can all stay out on the weekends cause, hey, they're 21 yr old kids with limited responsibility, and I have to go home all the time, and take care of the animals, and clean a huge house, and pay the bills on time, and juggle school and a part time job and run a household.

I think what hurts the most is not looking back at the past at what I miss, even though that hurts like crazy... but, looking at the future, and what will never happen. Like, my mom helping me out at my wedding, if I ever get married.. or having a father to walk me down the aisle. Or giving them grandkids. I didn't even apply for my cap and gown because I have no one to cheer me on in the audience.

To mariam and anyone else, I guess I'd say the best coping mechanism is to just keep going. It's kept me sane many times when I felt like I would break apart. Your friends are gunna be scared, their not gunna know what to say. They don't realize it hurts just when they tell you they had lunch with their folks, or that sometimes you wanna be sad, and sometimes you don't.

I don't know. I guess we just have to come to the realization that we're different now. Not better or worse... just different.

[valentinebaby]

Dear Jenny,

I don't know what's worse--sudden death or a long, lingering death. I am so sorry about your mom. I'm glad that she got to move into her dream house and I'm sorry you didn't have more time to enjoy your life with her. It is very frightening to think that you are saddled with all these problems at such a tender age. I will pray that you find someone to provide you with the loving care and support you need.

My mother died three days before my 44th birthday after a long, crippling bout with diabetes and congestive heart failure. We had her funeral on my birthday. I was taking care of her. This was a life experience I will never forget-I blamed myself and still do for not taking better care of her. I needed help I did not get from my other siblings. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of her death. This has been a very difficult week for me...I want to awaken from this nightmare so I can see, hold, touch, smell and talk to my mom. Sometimes focusing on the pleasant memories turns into nightmares about the bad memories.

[slowlyhealing]

I'm kind of new to these things, but at times I do feel like an orphan, although I am not completely alone. My father decided to leave my family about two years back, and I took on the missing responsiblity at age 17. It was his choice and I guess that is what the hardest thing is about him leaving. His choice was to leave my mother just when we found out she was dying with ALS. I know my mom doesn't have much more to this life here on earth. I know that it will be soon when the Lord takes her home, and though it seems like an never ending journey for me and my brothers, I know that this part of my life is ending. My mother won't be there to hold my babies. She won't be there to see me walk down the aisle. It hurts, and being only 19 almost 20 and still trying to juggle a job, school, and taking care of her is wearing me down. I don't know what God has in store for me, and it's scary. I know I'm not the only one who has lost their parents, and I know now that because many of you are learning how to move on, I can slowly start moving on too.

My mom won't have to fight the pain and the helplessness that has held her back for three years. That is one thing I praise God for. If He takes her home, I know that much.

Nikki

[danm48]

I lost my Mom January 21. I lost my Dad March 22, 2001. At age 48 I am the oldest of my parents 5 children. My youngest sister is 36. My mother had just turned 70 when she passed and my father was 74. In a day and age when so many people are living into their 80's, it seems unfair that we lost our parents at what now seems like a young age.

My youngest sister and I were saying to each other that even though we are adults we do feel like orphans. My parents had a lot of problems and we didn't have it easy growing up but the loss hurts no less. I have a wonderful wife who is very supportive but unless the person you are talking with has lost both parents you don't feel like they really can understand what it feels like. In a way I feel like I lost my mother twice. Emotionally I lost her as a youth and now I have lost her physically as well. You never stop longing for your mother's touch I've found out.

[doodles]

I am new to these message boards but I thought I would give it a try, Iam 28 years old and My Father died when I was 4 months old, he was 18 then a year later my mother died at age 18 and I was 21 months. So I have been a orphan for many years. I am glad that I have found this message board because reading other stories helps me to deal with my loss. I find that sometimes it is very hard to deal with the loss of both parentsand Dealing with the loss of someone who you dont really know is very hard. So I was wondering if any one else lost a parent or parents when they were to young to remember them?

[slowlyhealing]

I am new to these message boards but I thought I would give it a try, Iam 28 years old and My Father died when I was 4 months old, he was 18 then a year later my mother died at age 18 and I was 21 months. So I have been a orphan for many years. I am glad that I have found this message board because reading other stories helps me to deal with my loss. I find that sometimes it is very hard to deal with the loss of both parentsand Dealing with the loss of someone who you dont really know is very hard. So I was wondering if any one else lost a parent or parents when they were to young to remember them?

Doodles,

Hey. Loosing someone is really hard. I'm in the process of loosing my mother, and I lost my father about two years ago, but it was his own choice, so... it wasn't really that hard. It was more shocking.

I was an orphan when I was rather small. I think I was 4 months old when my biological mother left me at a babysitters house. I have no memory of her or my biological father. I don't know who I truly look like, I don't know what traits I have that is theirs. Its hard to know that they are still out there, but I know that God placed me with this broken family I have now for a reason.

Though... There are times where I ask God what he was thinking at the time being. Why was it that I feel a broken part of me, although I have love from the family I have now. It could be that I am going to be an orphan again, after my mother passes away.

I once was an orphan then I was adopted and I am soon to be an orphan again... I don't understand. It's too hard to really put in words.

But... I guess your never really an orphan though if your adopted by God's family right???????????

I'm still here

Nikki

[holmes]

I lost my Mom January 21. I lost my Dad March 22, 2001. At age 48 I am the oldest of my parents 5 children. My youngest sister is 36. My mother had just turned 70 when she passed and my father was 74. In a day and age when so many people are living into their 80's, it seems unfair that we lost our parents at what now seems like a young age.

My youngest sister and I were saying to each other that even though we are adults we do feel like orphans. My parents had a lot of problems and we didn't have it easy growing up but the loss hurts no less. I have a wonderful wife who is very supportive but unless the person you are talking with has lost both parents you don't feel like they really can understand what it feels like. In a way I feel like I lost my mother twice. Emotionally I lost her as a youth and now I have lost her physically as well. You never stop longing for your mother's touch I've found out.

[BIJulie]

Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

[treefrogangel]

HOLMES... i am new here and i lost my mom 5 months ago and she was only 55 and died very suddenly and unexpected. as if that wasn't enough. on january 26 the day before my moms birthday my father showed up at my house and assaulted me infront of my kids so i feel like i not only lost mey mom but my dad too. i had him arrested for it! i am having a hard time dealing with everything and i feel so alone and so much pain there is alot to my story and you can read it under loss of a mother! keep your chin up we will all get through this one way or another! forever sad and hurting...michelle

[nena75602er]

Hi everyone, i am new to the post but have came on here a number of times. I lost my Daddy last year on Monday February 23, 2004. He was murderd. I guess,to some may sound wierd, but I could of accepted any other way than the way he had to leave us...he was murderd, along with a friend, both shot to death. I had to identify him and the look and pain on his face is something I can never forget. It hard at times and I am being as strong as I can be for my kids and my family. I know he wouldn't want me to worry and take care of everyone and his Lil' Ones (my kids), I guess thats why I never really talk about it, but I need to get it out and its hard to find someone in this same situation. What hurts the most is that at the time passed away, I was 3 and 1/2 months pregent,he knew and he joked about when I was going to give him his graddaughter since I already had given him 4 gradsons. My reply was a joke about " with my luck it will be another grandson." I had his granddaughter 6mths later on Monday August 23,2004,even I didn't know I was having a girl. Like my daughter, I lost my gradfather(My Daddy's dad) the same year I was born and I was his 1st grsnddaugther/grandchild. I can forgive who ever did this,but I can't forget and I know they wont eighter,this is something we have to live with this for the rest of our lives ME and them. I pray for all of us to find our peace and our strength to keep going on like our parents would want...God Bless you All! Lupe

[BIJulie]

Welcome to the newcomers.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I hope you will continue to share and let us know how you are doing.

Take Care,

Julie

[lostwithoutdaddy]

I LOST MY DADDY ON, MARCH THE 29TH 2003,MY LIFE HAS BEEN SO EMPTY SINCE THE DAY GOD CALLED HIM HOME,HE WAS 70 YR'S OLD,THEN ON MARCH THE 8TH OF 2005,THE LORD CALLED MY MOMA HOME TO BE WITH HIM, I FEEL EVEN MORE LOST, MY PARENT'S WAS MY LIFE, MY DADDY HAS ALWAY'S BEEN MY ROCK AND MY MOMA HAS ALWAY'S BEEN MY FOUNDATION,MY MOMA WAS 68 YR'S OLD,WE HAVE ALWAY'S BEEN SO CLOSE, AND NOW I FEEL ALL ALONE, I KNOW MY MOMA AND DADDY ARE REJOICING IN HEAVEN, BUT LIFE DOWN HERE IS SO LONELY WITHOUT THEM,

[lostwithoutdaddy]

I FEEL SO LOST AND EMPTY INSIDE, MY DADDY PASSED AWAY FROMA HEART ATTAK AT THE AGE OF 70, ON MARCH THE 39TH 2003, I HAVE ALWYA'S BEEN A DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, AND MY MOMA'S ALWAY'S BEEN MY BESTEST FRIEND,ON MARCH THE 8TH 2005, THE LORD CALLED MY MOMA HOME TO BE WITH MY DADDY, I WAS ALWAY'S THERE FOR BOTH MY PARENT'S, CAUSE THEY WERE ALWAY'S HERE FOR ME,AND THEY BOTH ALWAY'S STOOD BESIDE ME, MY MOMA LIVED WITH ME AND MY HUSBAND AND OUR 2 SON'S, FOR A YEAR, WE SEEN HER GO FROM GOOD TO BAD AND FROM BAD TO WORSE, MY MOMA FOUGHT A LONG BATTLE OF LUNG CANCER FOR 9 AND HALF YEAR'S,I THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME THE BEST PARENT'S A DAUGHTER COULD EVER HAVE,I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M LOST WITHOUT THEM,I STAY DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME,I WILL ALWAY'S LOVE AND MISS MY MOMA AND DADDY FOR ETERNITY,

[lostwithoutdaddy]

I FEEL SO LOST AND EMPTY INSIDE, MY DADDY PASSED AWAY FROMA HEART ATTAK AT THE AGE OF 70, ON MARCH THE 29TH 2003, I HAVE ALWYA'S BEEN A DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, AND MY MOMA'S ALWAY'S BEEN MY BESTEST FRIEND,ON MARCH THE 8TH 2005, THE LORD CALLED MY MOMA HOME TO BE WITH MY DADDY, I WAS ALWAY'S THERE FOR BOTH MY PARENT'S, CAUSE THEY WERE ALWAY'S HERE FOR ME,AND THEY BOTH ALWAY'S STOOD BESIDE ME, MY MOMA LIVED WITH ME AND MY HUSBAND AND OUR 2 SON'S, FOR A YEAR, WE SEEN HER GO FROM GOOD TO BAD AND FROM BAD TO WORSE, MY MOMA FOUGHT A LONG BATTLE OF LUNG CANCER FOR 9 AND HALF YEAR'S,I THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME THE BEST PARENT'S A DAUGHTER COULD EVER HAVE,I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M LOST WITHOUT THEM,I STAY DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME,I WILL ALWAY'S LOVE AND MISS MY MOMA AND DADDY FOR ETERNITY,

[lostwithoutdaddy]

I FEEL SO LOST AND EMPTY INSIDE, MY DADDY PASSED AWAY FROM A HEART ATTACK AT THE AGE OF 70, ON MARCH THE 29TH 2003, I HAVE ALWYA'S BEEN A DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL, AND MY MOMA'S ALWAY'S BEEN MY BESTEST FRIEND,ON MARCH THE 8TH 2005, THE LORD CALLED MY MOMA HOME TO BE WITH MY DADDY, I WAS ALWAY'S THERE FOR BOTH MY PARENT'S, CAUSE THEY WERE ALWAY'S HERE FOR ME,AND THEY BOTH ALWAY'S STOOD BESIDE ME, MY MOMA LIVED WITH ME AND MY HUSBAND AND OUR 2 SON'S, FOR A YEAR, WE SEEN HER GO FROM GOOD TO BAD AND FROM BAD TO WORSE, MY MOMA FOUGHT A LONG BATTLE OF LUNG CANCER FOR 9 AND HALF YEAR'S,I THANK GOD FOR GIVING ME THE BEST PARENT'S A DAUGHTER COULD EVER HAVE,I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M LOST WITHOUT THEM,I STAY DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME,I WILL ALWAY'S LOVE AND MISS MY MOMA AND DADDY FOR ETERNITY,

[nena75602er]

Hi LostWithOutDaddy

I know how u fell, i lost my Daddy 2-23-04..only he was murdered. it never seems easy and it seems so hard to go on. Like u I was\\\"Daddy\\\'s Lil Girl\\\". even though there were 7 of us all together and 2 girls, i was is 1st lil girl. i felt so lost and alone at times, but i had to be strong for my whole family. My Daddy wouldnt want me to be crying for or worrying about him. he would want me to take care of everyone and worry about them, in a way i took his place. I keep in my heart that one day I will see him agian...when I\\\'m old n gray and he comes to take me away to be his Lil Mija Lupita once agian. But for now while im still here i am doing everything to ensure my kids are growing up the right way and keeping an eye on my family and doing my best to help others in need. it helps me to not feel empty and it feels the void i was feeling, knowing that im helping others in need is the best medicine for me to help in my healing process. I pray you find the strenght to keeping moving forward, and the strenght to heal, but never forget that someway or another, your parents are still there with you...when u remember them and keep them in your heart. God Bless

[heaven]

I am new to these message boards but I thought I would give it a try, Iam 28 years old and My Father died when I was 4 months old, he was 18 then a year later my mother died at age 18 and I was 21 months. So I have been a orphan for many years. I am glad that I have found this message board because reading other stories helps me to deal with my loss. I find that sometimes it is very hard to deal with the loss of both parentsand Dealing with the loss of someone who you dont really know is very hard. So I was wondering if any one else lost a parent or parents when they were to young to remember them?

Doodles,

Hey. Loosing someone is really hard. I\'m in the process of loosing my mother, and I lost my father about two years ago, but it was his own choice, so... it wasn\'t really that hard. It was more shocking.

I was an orphan when I was rather small. I think I was 4 months old when my biological mother left me at a babysitters house. I have no memory of her or my biological father. I don\'t know who I truly look like, I don\'t know what traits I have that is theirs. Its hard to know that they are still out there, but I know that God placed me with this broken family I have now for a reason.

Though... There are times where I ask God what he was thinking at the time being. Why was it that I feel a broken part of me, although I have love from the family I have now. It could be that I am going to be an orphan again, after my mother passes away.

I once was an orphan then I was adopted and I am soon to be an orphan again... I don\'t understand. It\'s too hard to really put in words.

But... I guess your never really an orphan though if your adopted by God\'s family right???????????

I\'m still here

Nikki

[allmixedup]

I lost my mother when i was 9, and my father when i was 20, both very suddenly and traumatically. I thought i'd been coping really well, but i'm in my mid twenties now, and am finding it really hard to cope with people around me. i feel really worthless and i've become very irritable and hostile and i hate how i'm feeling. i'm just wondering has anyone else experienced problems like this, or if anyone has any advice.

[4560701]

I've read through your posts and I'm sorry for each one of your losses. Are any of you religious? Do you believe in heaven? Do you think your parents are waiting for you to join them? Does that offer any comfort?

[BIJulie]

Welcome newcomers.

I am so sorry for your losses. I am glad you are here to get the support you need. Losing a loved one is very difficult, and we can never work through our grief alone. We need help. I hope you will let us help you.

Take care,

Julie

[tinasdad]

Allmixedup, the way you feel is a part of grieving for your losses. I am so sorry and touched by your losses. As you deal with the aspects of grief, you will feel angry, and many other feelings will surface. Try to go easy on yourself, and those who truly care about you will understand your pain and be graceful about you expressing your sorrow. In time, the pain and its turbulent feelings will begin to subside. I can't imagine the pain of losing both of one's parents, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how you are doing, and feel free to post as much as you want or need to.

[biadmin]

Your grief is your story. Talking and sharing your grief can be healing. Reading about other people's journey through the grief process can help you realize you are not alone. People want to read other people's stories. Do you want to share yours? Share yours at Beyond Story.

http://www.beyondindigo.com/stories/index.php

[irishsetterlady2002]

I've lost both my parents and also a step parent. I'm 30 years old. I've been a wife and mother for the past 11 years. My biological father left my mother when I was 7 years old. He completely erased my three brothers and I out of his life all together. I haven't seen or spoken to him for 20 years. He doesn't want us in his life, we are dead to him, so in a way, he died 20 years ago. My step father died in 1997 due to heart failure. My mother died on October 8th, 2004. My mother was the center of my life until I married in 1994. Ten years ago she was diagnosed with Lupus and died of liver failure due to that disease. I took care of her during those ten years. She lived in her own home until about a year before she died, then she moved in with me and my family. She suffered for ten years with all sorts of aches and pains. At the end of her life, she wanted to go into a Hospice about 4 miles away from me. She said she didn't want her grandchildren to see her die. So, I made the arrangements for her to go into Hospice. She lived for 1 month and 3 days in Hospice before she died there. The hospice nurse called me on that Friday morning at 5:30am to tell me that my mother had died. I guess all that time, I'd stashed away the fact that she was going to die, knowing it all to well that she was in fact dying, but not wanting to face it. I was the strong one, the only girl, the one who done everything for her. Why couldn't I stop this? Upon hearing the news, I completely lost control of my emotions. I was never one to cry in front of anyone, but I had no control, I screamed and cried and wailed and didn't want to let my brain accept it. At the time I couldn't remember the simplest things, like phone numbers, who to call, what my name was. I got my phone and called my mother n law's number, which was the only one I could remember at the time, and she came over within a split second to help. My husband came home from work a minute or so later and we went to Hospice. I remember that I sincerely dreaded the 4 mile drive there. I kept telling my husband that I couldn't do this, "I can't do it, I can't do it". He then said "yes, you can, you have to". The worst part of it all was making the walk to her room door and having to open it. I didn't want to open it, my body wouldn't communicate with my brain to open it. Everything in me screamed NO NO NO NO, DON"T OPEN THE DOOR, EVERYTHING"S OK IF YOU DON"T OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!!!!! It took me forever to open that door. It was the most painfull moment of it all. I used to go see her twice a day at hospice, every day she was there. I'd always tell her before I left "I love you (giving her a hug), I'll see you in the moring". The funny thing is that every morning or evening I went, I'd hear a certain song on the radio, every day. The song was "My Immortal", by Evanessence. I remember before she died, drvinging down the road crying to that song, thinking to myself that that's how I'd feel when she did pass. And I was right, that's exactly how I felt, every word of that song. Music helps me cope with things. Although I don't know exactly "how" to cope with this...sometimes I feel like I'm not doing it right. Yesterday was Mother's Day, my first without her....God, I miss her. Hospice had no idea that she would die as quickly as she did. They went in her room an hour before she died and took her vitals, which were just fine. They went in an hour later and she had died. In fact, the day before her death, she was just fine, she was actually a little better. People say to me ... "Well, you knew she was dying, it wasn't a surprize to you"....yes, I knew she was dying, and even though it took ten years, I still wasn't prepared. You can never be "prepared" for death. I wasn't able to be there at the moment she died, I wish I would have been able to. I wish I'd have had the oportunity to tell her goodbye and that I loved her one more time. There's never enough time to tell someone you love that you love them, to tell them everything you want to tell them. People keep quiet at the worst times, and wish they didn't after they can't do anything about it. Tell the people you love that you love them, tell them whatever you want them to know. Tomorrow may not come around for you or them.........................."I love you mom, I miss you, I wish you were her with me".

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[griffinsmom]

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[loreo123]

I am 28 years old I lost my dad on January 8th. He had a severe brain anyrism while he was fishing with family and friends.It was 2 weeks before his 50th birthday.At first I was in total shock for about 2 months. now the reality is setting in. I do believe in god, I do believe in heaven, I do believe I will see him again one day and I am happy that he has found peace, but it is agonizing for me to know that I will have to spend the rest of my life on this earth without him. He was my best friend, he was my heroe. I know it might sound selfish but when people say he's in a better place I think the only plsce he should be is here with me. Everyone tells me it will get better over time but right now I just cant see past the pain.

[crystal123]

I lost my mom in late April. I'm feeling very sad, drowing, and can't seem to shake it. I'm only in my 30s and I have 2 very little kids. My dad was invited by a lady to a dinner dance tonight with 2 women. One he asked to join him last night for dinner with another couple as a thank you for bringing mom and him communion while she was so sick and she asked him out tonight. Mom was sick for a long time, but I feel this is too fast and it makes me sadder...I want him to be happy, but not date yet. Another woman has asked him to a dance as well. I love my dad.Is it selfish to feel this way? Her memorial service is going to be in Aug. Help!

[sarahnz]

Hi my name is Sarah I am 28 years old ,my dad died after a breif (7 month) battle with cancer back in march.I am finding this really hard to come to term with this Now today my mother has ended up in ICU and her prognosis is not great.My dad was only 56 and my mother is only 58 so young to die . to loose both parents in under 4 months is just wrong.

I hope my mother pulls through though it does not look good.

[zionsrain]

Hi My name is Miranda I am 23 years old and a mother of 4 small children. On April 30, 2005 my dad took his own life by driving his car over 1000ft cliff. His body wasn't found until May 11,2005 and the next day I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy.We decided to watch the slide show of my dad from the funeral. My Mom, husband and son (4) sat there with tears streaming down there faces. I had a huge lump in my throat holding it in. I can tell my other son (6) was doing the same. It’s so hard now that the shock is wearing off. The pain at times is excruciating. It’s so hard to explain It feels like everything inside you is caving in. I said to dh it feels like a wound that won’t heal. I have times when I talk lots about it and things seem to be better, then there are times when the Band-Aid peels off. Im starting to realize that truly accepting that my dad is gone and gone forever is going to take long time. I think I want to be in shock again I felt like I was on automatic pilot. I felt like it kept me separate from my feelings. I start some grief counseling tomorrow. Im getting ready to go the crash site. I hope it will prove to be he is dead even though his ashes are on my moms dresser. Even though I have touched them. I still think every time I go over there his car will be there. Like maybe it was a mistake. The hardest part is not seeing a body.

I really would like to talk with someone that has had to deal with suicide.

[sadandlost2day]

I lost my father on Feb 18, 2002 to cancer. I lost my Mom May 29 2005 . My Dad was 59 my Mom 61. I feel so lost I'm 37 and miss my Mom so very much. I know that No one will ever love me like my Mama did. I have children and a spouse but its just not the same. Mama was on my side always, she loved me nomatter what. I feel like I'm in the big world all alone. That the 2 people that brought me into this world and help mold me into who I am are gone. I took care of my Mother for so long I really don't know what to do with myself. I go to work, I come home I take my daughter to softball but I feel like a robot I only do what Iam told. I'm scared if I don't miss her or if I don't cry anymore then I will forget how much I loved her and she loved me. I have heard all the saying Time will heal. its ok . I'm sorry of your lost. None of that helps none of it replaces the knot in my stomach. The hole in my heart. The lost feeling of not knowning which road to turn on or which box of juice to pick. I hope that there are others out there that are feeling the same.

[BIJulie]

Welcome newcomers...

I am so sorry for your losses. It is so hard to lose a parent. It is often not until they are gone that we realize how much they were a part of us and our lives.

You made a great first step, talking about how you were feeling. It really helps to share you feelings. I highly recommend talking to a grief counselor, keeping a journal and just talking about what is on your mind. Sharing on the board will help also.

I hope you will keep coming back.

Julie

[littlebug]

Hi Loreo123, I'm so sorry about your loss. I know exactly how you feel and no, you don't sound selfish. It is perfectly normal to feel like you do. I think it's part of the process. I lost my dad in February '04. 1 year and 4 months ago and I still have days that I feel like that. It still doesn't seem real to me. I've learned that this grieving process is a very weird experience. When I first lost dad I couldn't feel anything. When I did, I had a lot of anger, bitterness, sadness and all sorts of other emotions. It'd go from one extream to another. I was trying to stay strong for my mom and tried not to think about it a lot. Tried not to deal with it. I was with him when he died and to this day the image is in my head. It was 7 months later when reality finally sit in. I was driving home from work and my arms went numb, heart started pounding, I was dizzy and thought I was having a heart attack. I'm 32 years old and it scared me to death. I went to the ER and found out it was an anxiety attack. It's weird that you can be that stressed and not even know it. What helps me is thinking that maybe dad is watching over me and I still talk to him thinking maybe he can hear me. Hang in there, your dad may be able to hear you to. Take care of you he would want you to do that. Littlebug

[mallie]

This was the first Father's Day without my Dear Dad. I spent the day in remembrance of him ... he was a wonderful man. I feel his spirit with me but I miss so much his physical presence. I miss phoning him at the home and hearing his cheerful voice ... he was always so positive and never complained about anything even though he laid in that bed for 3 years following failed back surgery and eventually contracted pneumonia ... but never complained. My life has been changed forever and for me the grieving process is lifelong, it will never stop because of this huge void in my life. His distinguished military career took us all over the world and I enjoyed every minute of it, even though he felt sorry for having to be gone so much during the wars in which he served and but then asked, "It wasn't such a bad life, was it?" No, Dad, it was wonderful I loved every minute of it. What a wonderful person he is ... filled with positivity, dedicated to his family and career, great role model and loving Father.

[darkdtshd]

Hello everyone!

I'm sorry for your losses. I'm a 39 year old single male. Just lost my mother suddenly to a massive heart attack this past May 30th. Less than 4 weeks ago. It came out of no where as she seemed perfectly healthy the night before. Even early in the day. I miss her a lot as we were very close.

In my family I was more like my mother and my younger sister like my dad. I definitely feel an emptiness inside. But I am doing my best to go on with my life as that is what she would have wanted. The first week was the worst making furneral arrangements, going to the crematorium and having the service.

It's better now but obviously I still feel the hurt every now and then. But I no longer have the "anxiety attacks" I had during the later part of the first week and the early part of the 2nd. My buddy called them "panic attacks". Probably the same thing. Wouldn't wish this feeling on any one. Never had one before in my life.

I realized that in almost every case I put myself there. If you focus too much or spend too much time thinking depressing thoughts...anxiety or panic attacks are very likely. So I now try not to spend too much time in this mode. As inevitable as it is.

I really hope I don't grieve forever. But we all handle it differently. I suppose there are differing degrees of grieving. For some it lessens over time. Others not. To each his/her own.

What was it like for you go to back to work after this happened LittleBug? I'm pressently unemployed so I won't know how that feels for now. Just wondered. And I too went through a rollercoaster of emotions. Especially during the first 2 weeks. Kept asking myself questions like "How do I go on?" over and over...but as I said, I'm doing better now.

I hope, as the saying goes, that "...time will dull the pain". Others believe "time will heal". I'm not sure I do. But I know what was meant.

My mother's birthday will be in October. Not sure how I, and my family (father & sister), will handle it. Will be hard no doubt.

Any how, that's my 2 cents...felt good to share with everyone. Feel free to comment people.

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[soulnik]

Sarah,

It is wrong to lose both parents so close together. My mom died after a long illness on April 18, 2005. We were expecting but it still hurt like hell. My dad died only 7 weeks later on May 6th. THAT we were not expecting. I am only 32. I always knew at least one of my parents would die when I was relatively young but to have both of them gone and so quickly in succession IS just wrong.

I am so sad and so devestated that I can barely function. I sit at work and just pretend to type and do things but really I\'m just crying all day. I feel like there are tiny tear drop shaped pieces being cut out of my heart with a chees grater. I feel like I am being pulled backward through myself into some some cavernous place that used to hold, should hold, my parents voices and smells and touch and breath but it\'s empty now. And instead and being pulled back into safety, I just fall into this empy void and experience this aweful, frightening feeling of vertigo. It\'s sickening and sudden and unexpected everytime it sweeps over me and it happens at the most inopportune moments.

The first few weeks after my mom died, I went into Data mode (from Star Trek - pre-emotion chip). I didn\'t feel anything, I went right back to work and I acted like it was all fine because I knew she was going to die. When my dad died I took a month off from work but I was so numb and detached that my limbs were heavy and I couldn\'t feel anything but a sharp pain in my chest that got so bad that I actually had an echocardiogram.

Then about 2 weeks ago, I lost the bracelet that my parents brought me from their trip to Puerto Rico and then all hell broke loose. Now I feel like I am drowning. No one understands. I am not close to my family and have no partner or family of my own so I am grieving alone. I am angry and tired and too sad to take care of myself.

It IS wrong. When I start talking to God again, I will pray for your mom. In the meantime, I will hope for the best for your family Sarah.

Hi my name is Sarah I am 28 years old ,my dad died after a breif (7 month) battle with cancer back in march.I am finding this really hard to come to term with this Now today my mother has ended up in ICU and her prognosis is not great.My dad was only 56 and my mother is only 58 so young to die . to loose both parents in under 4 months is just wrong.

I hope my mother pulls through though it does not look good.

[soulnik]

Irishsetterlady2002 -

I am sorry for your loss. I bet your mom was so proud of you and so thankful to have you to take care of her. I bet you were her pride and joy. I know how you wished to be with her when she went and how you wanted to tell her...everything. Me too. But I bet they knew. And if they didn\'t know in life, I bet they know now. Or I hope they do.

Blessings to you.

[sadmamma]

After almost six years, one would think I would have recovered to some degree from losing my Dad. But you know, now that my marriage has ended and I am raising two small children with the help of my mother and brother, I miss my Dad more. It's like I've got more sadness to build on, like I never could move on from my first loss.

My personal view is that anyone who has never lost a parent can never know what it is like. Before it happened in my family, I didn't understand it, so I just didn't get into any discussions about it. Once I lost my own father, I seemed to zero in on others who had lost their father and form some kind of instant bond based on mutual experience.

Anniversaries are hard, even now. Recently, when I had to do some official paperwork on behalf of my late father in relation to land in his home country that was never sorted out in his life, I found this touched a raw nerve and I found myself missing him all over again.

In the last few years I have met many other people who have also lost their fathers and found comfort in their understanding. I miss my Dad very much, and the closeness we had is probably what makes me miss him even more. He was like a mentor to me. I miss his intelligence and good advice. Although, sometimes when things happen in my life, I still get a strange sense that he is still around.

[smoses]

I lost my father 2 weeks and 6 days ago, I am shocked at how I am feeling. I am not shocked at the sorrow, but at the degree of exhaustiion it has taken out of me. I am surprised that I will be doing ok and then I will just cry and not know what set it off. I miss my Dad and miss calling him on the phone, seeing him and I so badly want to see him again. I am the only daughter with 5 brothers and I spent alot of time with my Father the last few years, when he was in the hospital I stayed by his side for 5 days, slept by his bed and held his hand, I watched him breath his last breath and told him it was ok to go, he had worked so hard to stay. He had a major stroke, and died 5 days after his stroke. They said he went into a comma right away, and he couldn\'t see, but he could hear. When I held his face in my hands and looked at him telling him it was ok to go, we would be fine, he looked at me, I know he saw me, I saw him his eyes looked at my eyes and he looked so sad. I don\'t think he was scared to leave, but sad to leave me, I think it was him saying good by. I just want one more time to hug him, ...........

I know it will get better with time, gosh I miss him

[hmtod73]

hello. i miss my mom so, so, much as the days go on. today she is gone 1yr and 5 months. i have dreams about her. last night i had one. it helps but i think of her all the time and miss her so much. i just wish i could touch her and see her one more time. heather

[yarsa0513]

My father passed away on June 23rd. He was recovering from throat cancer and had been declared "cancer free" the Wednesday before he died. He had severe swelling in his throat from the radiation, had an obstruction in his airway and collapsed in front of my mother. Although she tried to breathe for him, by the time the paramedics were able to intubate him, he had been without oxygen for over six minutes. We spent four days with him in the ICU while he was on a ventilator and in a deep coma. I miss him so much, it's so unfair that he fought such a courageous battle against cancer and then died the way he did. He was only 64 years old. I have never in my life felt pain this raw, I can't seem to get through a day without falling apart. I'm angry that time is passing so fast... everyday that passes takes me another day away from the last time I saw him. I always knew it would be hard when one of my parents passed away, but nothing like this.. It's almost unbearable.

[songbird]

Yarsa, it breaks my heart to hear you speak of your fathers passing this way. My dad had been sick for many years and was doing his best just before his passing in April. He choked on food that they couldn't remove with the hymlic. By the time he was intubated, it was over 10 min. He was in a coma for 2 weeks. They told us he had no brain functions at all. His body fell apart before our eyes. I feel the pain you are going through. No matter what the cause of death, it doesn't make the pain we feel any different. Our father's passings just seem unfair and harder to understand. They suffered enough in their lives to go this way. It hurst so bad you don't even feel like it is real. My father was only 66 years old. My birthday is June 23rd!

[yarsa0513]

Songbird... i'm sorry for you loss... what you said is exactly how I feel.. angry at the unfairness. My mother, who was so devasted when he died, said to me last week at the funeral "maybe there's a reason, maybe the cancer would have come back and he would have suffered so much more from that... when he collapsed, he was in my arms, exactly where he would have wanted to be". I will never forget that she said that to me.