Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I found this music video on my Jesse's Youtube account, I know he had viewed it...he always liked what was unique and slightly off the beaten path...
 

Thanks Susan for sharing the picture of your Grandaughter...how old is she?

How is everyone out there?

Kate, how was the festival in Gimli? And thank you for reposting your story, I have shared it with my husband too...

Shannon, it was good to see your post...

Mary Ann, holding your hand today...know you are missing your son, Steve and the heart just hurts...

Wade, how are things?

Ted...thinking of you...

Sandy, I am glad that your husband seems to be liking the new puppy...it is great the adult day care will let him take the dog in...

Becky, you are in our prayers!!!

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

 

My GRANDdaughter...Taylor Houston Allie....on the front page of newspaper....cutting the Texas size cake...

 

Laurie....she is 16....she is the fraternal twin of Hunter Bear...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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My GRANDdaughter...Taylor Houston Allie....on the front page of newspaper....cutting the Texas size cake...

 

Laurie....she is 16....she is the fraternal twin of Hunter Bear...

She looks like a very sweet girl...looks like they were having fun at the festivities...I wonder what the temperature was?

[daveydow1]

Laurie----thanks for the video.....it is very beautiful.  My son, Dave, also liked

things a bit off-beat........ just like your Jesse. They saw beauty and interest everywhere.

 

Susan-----I, too, believe that the soul goes directly to heaven after death.......that's where

all our darlings would naturally go to.

 

Dee-----I, too, share your reverence for nature, and attribute nature to my belief system.

I read once that the American Indians had  a very spiritual belief....all rooted to nature,

animals, sky, and change of seasons,....a higher power......without ever reading the Bible,

or other organized religion materials.  They trusted nature to guide them through life.

Glad that little Erica is doing better.......poor little babe......it's so hard when little ones

get sick.  Thanks for the song.....""I Need My Girl".

 

Kate-----Your nice winter walk and the festivities must have been fun & invigorating.

I'm trying to imagine how there can be car races on ice..??      Yes, it seems to be

a subject that is just brushed under the rug because nations don't want to deal with

climate changes brought on by all sorts of things.  No cooperation among powers either.

Thanks for your kind words about my picture.  It's been a nice scene to look at out my

kitchen window, but....I sure will be glad to see some (any) signs of spring popping out.

 

 

Shannon-----

Such a dear writing by Trista in 5th grade....especially about being friends

with everyone. Thanks for the song.....and also the sweet pic of Trista & her cousin in

their grass skirts. So cute. thanks for posting it.

 

Steve s mom-----Good to see your post, friend.  Not to worry about not having anything

to say at this time.  Sorry you are having a bad time right now.  Sometimes when we

are feeling down and in that dark place.....there just are not any words to offer. Peace & prayers.

 

WISHING   ALL   INDIGOS   PEACE   AND   A GOOD   NIGHT'S  REST.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 
  

 

[ericasmom]

Thanks Sherry, yes I got to see Erica today too, so that was a bonus for sure. Yes, nature leads us which is why we must teach the generations that come to please find ways to nurture the earth, take good care of her, she must sustain us and we must sustain her.

 

Shannon, such a great photo, I agree with Sherry, and the work of the fifth grade love. Priceless.

 

Kate, how nice that  you were able to see the cars on ice and go into the festive town.

 

Susan, your Grand Girl is a delight. So pretty and proper. What a nice way to be part of the history of the town and state.

 

Glad that you liked the song, me too. I really like the band, their sound and sense of things...I always listen to current radio on the alternative/rock station that I have listened to since the 1970's. I love my old standbys of course, but new music keeps the pulse of our world, we are in step with the events of the days through the rhythms and lyrics of new artists.

[Mermaid Tears]

I posted those photos....for today....March 3rd....John David's marker for me....is...he has now been away for 1 year...7 months....in a few days....will be his 'birth' day....when he was placed in my arms and heart....March 10th....and I need these GRANDchildren around me....to help me move forward....to make me know I am needed ...they need me to watch...help...applaud...in all their endeavors...

  for there are too many times....I just want to limp away....but we have life...living...colors...blood pulsing...that we have to be attendant of....we cannot use the 'grief excuse' for not 'showing up' ...being there...for the young ones....need us...for that hug...that pat on the shoulder....that 'wink'....

and even if I use artificial 'strength'....it will be enough for them.....for they don't have to know...how hard...no.....

that is just for me to know....

[wgreenlee]

Susan...

All my thoughts and prayers flowing your way.  Virtual hug too.

 

[ericasmom]

Laurie, I just watched that video with the violin music...lovely thanks so much. Ethereal.

 

 

[wgreenlee]

Another picture someone posted on FB.  I so love when I get a new memory!!!

 

[Sholl1955]

Just stopped by for a minute.   Ted, it is very hard to be a caregiver and grieve at the same time.  I have had many times in the past 2 years that I felt like I went forward than all of a sudden I was back at square one.   Those times do get farther apart but still hurt so.  I have struggled with the fact that almost everyone I know feel I should be beyond this and over it by now.   Number one.....I shouldn't let anyone dictate how long this will take.  Number two....  I will never be over it . And Number three.....As I care for my husband and granddaughters that takes time away from my own grief, so therefore, my walk will be different than what someone else's is.   Which is really true of all of us.   It will take as long as it takes.  I manage an Adult Day Center for people with Neurological and Orthopedic disabilities and a large number of my clients have MS.   I love each one and Ted you have a lot on your plate.  It is hard not only physically but emotionally as you watch your dear wife change.   She is blessed to have you.   You are both in my prayers.  If you are like me, you do not take care of yourself like you should.  Even if we can do little things for us, that will go along way.   Keep going one day at a time.  

 

My husband's pain has accelerated all weekend and he had his MRI today.  It was a very hard test due to the severity of his pain which has become unrelenting and he didn't sleep all weekend and his meds did not help him    So, after he had the MRI, I took him to the ER and after several mistakes at the hospital (GRRRRRR), he was given meds that finally brought him some comfort.  The MRI shows several problems that are the cause of the pain.   He was admitted overnight and getting some meds and was sleeping when I left at 10:00.  It was good to see him resting and free of some of the pain.  We will see tomorrow what the next step is for him.   I am thankful for some answers.   Well, I am pooped, so am going to try to get some rest. (Being at the hospital that I was at with Sarah 2 years ago brought back some tough memories)

 

Have a restful night.

 

Sandy

[mybeautifulgirl]

Hello Sandy,

Thinking of you and understand a little of what you are going through.

I spent many times in hospital with my girl and for the moment cannot go back there.

Have a good nights sleep and I hope tomorrow will bring better news.

Jan

[mybeautifulgirl]

Hello Shannon and Wade (and any others who will read this)

I think of you both as your loss was approx the same time as mine.

I wonder as to how you are both feeling at this moment on our grief journey.

I have gradually accepted that Meagan is not returning. I look at it in a different way to early in the loss. I am still so sad, lost, like a boat drifting on the sea with no rudder. I would give anything to have her back in our family.

I am finding also the expectation from others is that I should be "over it". I am not over it and I will miss her and love her till the day I die!

My memory of the day she died plays havoc with my mind! I have to tell myself to STOP and think of the joy she gave and how she enjoyed life.

I don't contribute here often but I read every nite.

Best wishes to everyone here.

Jan

[Tbearw58]

Jan you are not alone I am at the same place in my grief and other are how you describe

 

 

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Jan,

It's good to see your post. We all understand those times when the energy to post is just not there. Just coming to read is good. I could relate to what you posted... "like a boat drifting on the sea with no rudder". That's very much how I feel too.

At this point in this grief journey I have begun to accept that Trista will not be walking back through the door. Some of the 'magical thinking' of the early days is starting to fade but there is still a part of me that shuts down and runs away from that acceptance.

I have also felt like some people feel I should be 'moving on'. While no one has come right out and said that, there are little comments and subtle changes in the way that the people close to me speak to me. Much of it may be my own perception. It may be the fact that I don't talk as openly about my grief as I did in those first weeks and months. I find that I choke back the tears more and grieve alone more. I think I've become tired of explaining myself because the reason for my tears hasn't changed. Much of the time I just feel exhausted. Like this grief I'm carrying 24 hours a day is weighing me down now, to the point of physical and mental exhaustion. I'm thinking of you. Please post when you can and read when you can. I think of you often and your Beautiful Girl, Meagan.

I will post something I wrote a few days ago. It explains in the best way I can how I am feeling at this point. Maybe some here will relate to some of it.

For the past nine months I’ve lived in a state of shock. For a parent who loses a child… the fog of shock is thick. It’s like a bandage for the soul… the psyche. It protects from the harsh reality of our broken life. It serves a purpose, but just like a bandage must eventually be removed for healing to take place, the shock also must fade. It does… but very very slowly.

I can honestly say, I am still in a state of shock. I have accepted that this will fade so slowly that I may live out the rest of my days still carrying a layer of shock with me. In many ways… I hope I do.

As this fog lifts, I find myself in a strange world… a world that kept turning, kept moving forward while I was trapped, motionless, in my pain. Now, when I need the most support… I feel alone. Sometimes this may be a perception more than actual reality. People close to me may assume I am ‘doing ok’ and so they don’t want to cause more pain by bringing up the subject. I have the same feelings about others… seeing that they are moving on, knowing that it is a good thing for them, knowing that no one will feel this loss in the way I do. So, I keep my grief inside, not wanting to burden others. Sometimes there just are no words. When the tears come… and then the question… What’s wrong?... what can I say? My child is dead. That is what’s wrong and what will always be wrong.

Sometimes I feel I am told directly or indirectly that I should be ‘moving on’ too. No one can really understand how raw I am… how simple comments, usually said with the best possible intensions, cut to core of my soul. Most don’t understand that while the world kept turning… I was just beginning a journey that will take my lifetime to complete. I am just taking my first tentative steps into an unknown world… a world that no longer makes any sense to me. I am shaky… I am weak… and I am doing my best to navigate this path I never wanted to be on.

And so I put on my brave face. I smile through my tears, I swallow the lumps in my throat that sit heavy, like concrete in my gut. I do what needs to be done to protect myself and the ones, still here, that I love so much.

Many close to me … they just want me to be ‘ok’. They do care but don’t know what to do. They just want me to be my ‘old self again’. They don’t understand that my old self is gone… dead and buried in a grave beside my child. Some will understand this… some won’t. The ones who don’t get it may have to be left behind. They loved someone who no longer exists and if they can’t love this new person… the relationship has ended… and so I experience loss on top of loss… My Child, My Self, and those relationships that no longer serve me.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I love the video you posted. The music is beautiful and I agree with Dee, it is definitely magical. I can see why Jesse liked it.

Susan,

Thank you for sharing the story of the book you found. It really touched me. I am thinking of you. I know these dates on the calendar can be so hard and it's so close to John David's Birthday.

Wade,

Love the picture of Brooks with the light shining and that Brooks smile that shines just as bright.

Sherry,

Thank you for your kind words about the pictures I posted. I agree, the sparkly white stuff may be beautiful but I am so ready for spring.

Maryann,

Thank you for posting that picture. The words touch us all, I know. The picture is very Trista... the moon, the fairy. Thank you for letting me know you thought of her. I know the depression and the exhaustion that goes with it. I know you miss Steve so very much. I'm thinking of you both.

Sandy,

I'm glad you are getting some answers. I know you, Ted, and Kate deal with so much needing to be caretakers for loved ones in your grief. I hope you get some peaceful rest.

I'm trying to push myself a little to pull myself out of the place I've been in and take some steps. It's still very much a day at a time.

I got a call this morning that the sentencing hearing for Ashley is scheduled for March 25. I was asked if I would like to make a statement. I just don't know... and what would I say? A lot to think about.

Another thing... any thoughts would be appreciated. My husband's grandma (Baba) is dying. They don't expect her to make it through the week. She's not been good in a while. I know for the 6 years I've been married to my husband we've been hearing... your Baba is not good. Go see her. It may be the last time... and so we do. I love Baba. She's a sweet sweet lady with a thick Russian accent. She's lived an amazing life. I've spent time with her and listened to her stories. She came here, to America... Chicago... as a teenage mother. He husband had been killed in the war in. She was alone with a small baby. Once she got here she there was an arranged marriage to my husbands Grandpa. She said, "I didn't love him. I didn't even know him. I learn to love him and we have beautiful family." I loved to listen to her stories. Baba also lost a son... a year ago. He was 49 years old. He struggled with depression and addiction. He died of a possibly intentional overdose. Baba was never the same. The family feels she was holding on for him and now is just ready to go be with him. The problem is whether or not to go. The services will be in Kenosha. I know, already that I can't go to the services. No way. My husband has suggested that I go just to support him and can stay at the hotel. I really don't think I want to do that. First I don't want to spend all that time alone in a hotel room. I also don't want him to feel pulled to come be with me when he should be with his family or have the family who can't really understand, thinking badly of me. I just know that I can't go through something like that already. For me, none of it would be about Baba. It would all be about Trista... if that makes sense. That's not fair. The family should be together... to talk, remember, grieve and not have to think about how everything might me affecting me. I think it would be best for me to stay here with the boys and let my husband go be with his family. Having lost a son, I think Baba would understand this. Is this selfish of me?

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I am going to gather my thoughts and words to share with you...and will get back to you later....hang on with both hands...

 

Sandy...I think I would rather chop cotton than spend 4 hours in a hospital....for some reason...it drains all my energy...maybe that is just my persona....I am so glad that your husband had his MRI....and has some medication to relieve his pain....it hurts to see someone hurt.....am also comforted that you and others that share the grief and also the other issues of care-taking can reach out with understanding and empathy....once again....it takes one that walks in those shoes...to fully understand what others are going through...I know that I, like others, when we read what others are having to deal with....it makes us wonder...'how you do it all'.....

  Let us hear what the Dr. has to say...let us hear how you are coping...we are here to hear you....

 

Wade....'someone' is sending you these treasures....it seems as if they come at just the 'right' time....sometimes we wonder about the mystical timing of it all.....right there on my screen...Brooks is shining through....what his friend wrote on FB is another 'gift'.....you have had your plate full lately....you are at the 'right place'...where you need to be....for I know that others do 'need' you...even though we can't see...we are led to people by some 'force'....to be there for them....

 

Jan....it is a hard journey...and yes....we seem to 'float' around like a bunch of jelly fish....just where the tide takes us...I think that is a survivor reaction....for me.....I didn't want to 'have any direction'....I didn't want to have anywhere I 'had' to be...I didn't want to have 'a purpose'......something like instinct was telling me...down deep....to just 'be'.....I was so out of balance anyway.....I stayed that way 24/7 for a very, very long time....and now....I still 'float'....for some days...it isn't 24/7 ...but ....I think that is part of the grief journey....Lora still says she has to have her 'alone time'....we 'float' in our mourning...and it is also healing to me.

 

Ted....am so glad that others on this site can empathize with you...with your grief and the issues of also caring for your wife...just came here and say..vent..anything...we are here to hear you...and we know how it hurts.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...thanks for sharing the music and video.....from what I 'fashion' Jesse to be....that girl seems like one he would want to be with....she has such a 'free spirit'...and surrounded by Mother Nature...and he 'owned' the ground he walked on...in all the photos you have posted of him....he was always at home...in the arms of Mother Nature....John David was the same...I guess that is why I relate to Jesse in so many ways...it is as if I 'know' all the children on this site...there seems to be a common thread that runs through them all...making them familiar on so many levels...it seems, if they would walked through my front door....I would know what their favorite meal was...and could cook and  serve it to them....

[ericasmom]

Laurie, I agree with Susan, the music and the young musician dancing through the ice caves was a beauty, ethereal and lovely.

 

Shannon, the shock of the last nine months is shifting, and I do think that we always carry this kind of foot-in-two-world-sensibility. I will not let a day go where Eri is not mentioned or spoken to- I am past 10.5 years. I so agree with the statement that those who need me to be done are no longer a part of my day to day. I had to say goodbye to my once-best friend due to the way she dismissed so much in life and how uncomfortable it made me feel, the injustice of her behavior, the lack of owning her destructive attitudes...and in the face of so much sadness and work to find my way, it felt obscene to listen to what she nagged about, to be party to her negativity just could not keep on. So sometimes we have to turn our ship to a new direction in order to steer around the obstacles that cause us too much added burden. We have to be as comfortable in our soul and spirit as we can in this hard time, so we move in our own time, our own ways and we own it. We learn what we can handle and we move forward in fits and starts. I stand firm in saying those who can't handle the me I became and am becoming can just move on without me as I don't have room for that anymore. And as far as the funeral for your Husband's grandmom, you once again need to do what is going to work for you and you are finding out what those things are and what they are not. I hope that he will get it, but staying home is your choice. I would likely do the same.

 

Jan, it is good to know that you are out there. We are indeed changed forever, the new parts grow and begin to incorporate themselves into our old parts. We are changed and yet there are familiar pieces to us and we learn to honor all of our tiny shards and we build them together one day. Back when I was new to this sad time, I also replayed the events of the time that eventually stole Eri from us. I kept going out for my walk at 8:00 or a so each evening and replay the phone call I had with Erica that last day, and then the tumble of all the sad events after that.  I remember trying to to do something physical that required me to have to think hard at that time of day that ERi was struck by the train. So sometimes at 8:00 I would go for a bike ride and that was different than my walk, requiring more of my attention. Sometimes I would do something else like call my sister, anything to try to reroute my brain, take it from the constant loop it was on. It took time, but I did manage, though as you know, the replay is just under my eyelids, just inside my heart and a whisper to my memory, but I work hard to not go there too often so that I don't miss the messages and the specialness that still exists in the days.

 

Sandy and Ted, so glad that you both as well as Kate, have each other to connect on that other level of care-giver. I think it is amazing that you Sandy, are  working with patients that are experiencing what Ted's wife is living with now. We unite in all that makes up our lives.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I was in the same situation as you....my Dad's sister had died....and he simply doted on her...my Dad was the baby of the family....and during WW11 his sister's fiancee...a pilot...died...he loved him so much....

later she married....but my Dad was so close to her....

anyway ...she died a few months after John David....and I wanted to be there...but I was just so bankrupt...so 'spent' ...I wanted to go....for I had been raised to attend every family event.....

and it was Essie that told me one time when we were going to a funeral and I told her...'I don't know that person'...and she told me...'we don't go for the dead...we go for the living'.....and I have gone to EVERY funeral....a friend...a person the family knew...I always..always represented our family....

  but...I needed someone to 'help' me....

Dee came to my side....she gave me my support...she can give you 'words' better than me....when it comes to 'us'..parents that have lost a child.....and why or why not we can or cannot do something....I needed a person like Dee to help me fashion and shape my resolve of 'what I can do'....'what I can't do'....what I know is best for me now....that sort of backing up for us that are so fragile and shattered....

  we simply can't do what we have done before....we are just too broken...

and we find we have to be our 'best friends' to ourselves.....when others ask too much of us...

  then my cousin died...and his funeral was to be at the Wharton Funeral Home...where my parents had their memorial service and every family member....once again....too much for me....

so....I have not been to a funeral since John David passed....

and the world still spins...the sun still rises...the seasons change...

I do love that story of your Baba...I love to catch those stories...when I hear them....I feel as if I can 'buck up' to situations..knowing what others had to do before me....we need more of those stories told to our children...instead of the Kardashians..(sp)....

    I hope Dee can jump in and give you the support you need...she fashions her words and experience much better than me....

   I hope this has helped you....

[wgreenlee]

Jan...

I am not sure where I am right now.  I don't think I still have accepted it...I'm not sure...I guess that means I haven't yet.  There are ok days...but usually when I am busy... I just can't accept that I won't have the memories that I envisioned when Brooks was with me.  It seems like the rest of my life will be filled with loneliness, and constantly wondering what Brooks would be doing if he were with me.  I "know" that will pass...there will be "good" times...my human mind will come to grips with this.  I just still can't believe it!!!  How could this have happened?  Everything was going so well...my faith keeps me going, but it also makes me falter...like a rug was ripped out from underneath my feet...in that moment...that one short moment...my whole life changed and I can't do anything to change it.  How could someone do that to my son?

 

I am having dinner with Danielle, the girl who was with Brooks at that moment, on Saturday.  I want it to be a time of healing for her, but I want to ask her just one question, but am afraid of the answer.  I want to ask her what his last moment was like...did he know what was going to happen?  I know this is what many of us ask...but do we truly want to know?  Please share what you think about this.  I know it is my decision to ask, and her's to answer, but I so much value your opinions.

 

Peace to all as we continue this journey.  Sure hope winter is losing its grip on your worlds. 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, there have been a few funerals I could not attend since Jesses passing...however I sent something special to the funeral home for the person to convey my love and concern....the one I did a special arrangements of flowers...

 

...I could see an arrangement of white roses and iridescent bow to represent heaven/spirituality and Trista at this place

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, for me I had to know...I did find the woman who held Jesse in her arms...he died peacefully...however this may not always be the case...but I had to try and find if there were any final words no matter what...that is just me...this is something that is individual for each person...according to their unique situation...

 

Sending Hugs...left you a post in the other thread too...

 

Jan and Ted, understand that disbelief...I think what Shannon wrote earlier today really said it so very well...

 

Dee, thanks for the comment on the young lady in the music video, and Susan, yes I thought Jesse might have been attracted to someone like that too....

[ericasmom]

Wade, I think that I would ask as I would want to know, though I truly understand being hesitant, wanting it to be a healing time for her as well.  But it may be that speaking to you about that last moment is healing for Brooks' friend. I think that it will go well for you both, and that Brooks will be near.

 

Susan, your words are perfectly spoken and help so many here, but I am glad that I was able to assist you when you needed. Those of us here a long while know some of the pitfalls that are common for we grieving parents, so we put it out there for those who may need to draw from it. The fact is, nobody should judge our movement and our path, we are new each day to the bend in the walkway.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Dee...you have helped...filled in blind spots...helped me over so many bad spots on this grief journey....Shannon...I hope this has only helped you....

 

Wade....like so many...we all wish we could be there with 'you'...and we are...you carry us all with you....well...all we can say is...we are with you...

[Tbearw58]

So one of Nick's friends found a necklace that Nick's mom had given him in high school. It was hers that she wore in high school a puka shell. Also a picture of Nick dressed up for prom he is on the left. This made me cry like always. We thought it was gone for years it has been missing. 

 

RIP NICK I will always miss you and love you so very much. DAD

 

 

  

[mybeautifulgirl]

Thank you to all you nice folk who responded to my post. I read them all and take it all in.

I am lonely. I lived for my girl and nothing will replace the love we had for one another.

Some days I feel I cope better than others. Keeping busy is the answer but we can't be busy all the time, we need to rest and that is when the sad thoughts enter my head.

Thinking of you all

Jan

[Mermaid Tears]

Ted...to the outside world....they look like trinkets....to us..the parent....they are sacred treasures....

what a gift....that the necklace was found and returned...

Dee wrote a very wonderful poem about that....maybe she will post it again...and your Nick is shining through all dressed up for the prom....

when I walk through my memories....I am so blessed...that John David had so many of those good teen-age fun times...

    we must never...ever forget.....our children were 'good kids'....

and...we must never...ever forget....we were good parents...

   that is the win/win that will never..ever be taken away...

[MissKylie]

To my Indigo Friends,

 

I hope I can offer everyone comfort to help ease the loss.

But I come here shattered into pieces and I don’t know how to make myself whole again.

I lost my 5-year old girl who had made me feel that I could be the best person that I can be. I wanted so much to die so I can be with her.

 

But sadly, if I’d kill myself, I will only make the current status of our family worst. My mother can no longer go on shopping because she lost her desire to do so. My younger brothers who use to not knowing what to do with their lives became more lost and astray. I used to have high hopes and dreams for our family. Now it seems like it’s the end of everything.

 

There were days that I’m suddenly struck with pain and loss and I thought I’m  going to faint. And I’d run to this site and chatroom to seek comfort. I prayed to God so much… I can feel His giving me the gift of acceptance. And I cannot receive it. All I want  is my daughter . Is that too much to ask?

 

I don’t know what to do..I need Kylie back in my life.

 

Will say a prayer for all of us tonight.

 

I love you so much Kylie.

 

Love,

 

Mommy Cherry

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....I guess I did not understand the car wreck that took your Trista....

why is Ashley being sentenced ? What about the truck driver that hit the car ?

If so...then there will be two victims...so very sad....

 

 

Cherry....you are right...everyone in the family is impacted with grief...especially those close family members....for sunshine was taken from their lives also....each of us walks a grief path...very unique for each...very sad for each...for now...there won't be anyplace for anyone to find a ray of light or meaning...everyone is trying to re-balance their lives and footing from the empty hole that is left after Kylie passed......

   please hold on to each other....treat your loved ones and yourself with tenderness and supreme kindness....cry with each other and let the tears flow.....for that is 'the new normal' for now.....

    I must say this....none of us on this site are professional grief counselors...or therapist.....we are simply parents that has lost a child...some have lost more than one child.....

   If you keep having thoughts of harming yourself....suicide...I would hope you will go to a grief counselor/therapist.....and there is no shame in that....we understand the sheer force of pain that can break down the strongest person....and cause one to think that is the only way out of the pain....and that would cause even more heartbreak in your family. Many times..a grief counselor will want to bring the whole family in....to help healing. Sending you blessings.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan, Dee, Laurie,

Thank you. It did help to hear your thoughts on this and how you've handled similar situations. I'm am doing better at owning my grief and saying 'This is mine and I will do it my way'. I was struggling with this one because of the relationship... because it's Baba and because of my husband. I know what I'm capable of right now though and will be much more support to him before and after the services... at home.

Laurie, I do like the idea of sending a special flower arrangement. Thank you.

Ted,

I love that these special things made their way back into your hands... to the person who needs them and will treasure them.

Cherry,

I can relate very much to your words and that feeling of just wanting to be with my Child. I hit a very very low spot around the holidays. I agree with what Susan wrote, don't be afraid to reach out for professional help if you feel things becoming overwhelming. I did and it helped so much. We are always here but to get through that time I needed someone who is a professional, someone physically close who I can talk to face to face.

Wade,

I also had to know. There were two sisters... they live in the house that we used to live in... the one Trista passed in front of. When Ashley got out of the car, One of these sisters got in. She stayed with my Girl until the EMS arrived. She was with her when she left her body. They both came to my house. They looked at pictures with me and wanted to know all about my Girl. They answered all of my questions. It was so important for me to do that and they said it was a beautiful thing for them as well.

Susan,

I am going to pm you about the sentencing. We are still working on things and my attorney has advised me not to go 'public' with anything that has not already appeared in the papers.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Dee's post: 

"The fact is, nobody should judge our movement and our path, we are new each day to the bend in the walkway. "

 

This is so true...

[Mermaid Tears]

I have to add to what Laurie suggested....I do send flowers when I do not attend....and always write a card letting them know I was thinking of them but that my emotions were still out of balance and I did not think it was a place I needed to be.

    And I did 'hear' from 'some' members of the family....wondering why I wasn't there...but that is ok, too...

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...I hope we are not hearing from you because you and your husband are having some fun....

 

 

Colleen....do you have another update on Becky ?

 

Gretchen...wondering how your 'mindfulness class' is working for you?

 

Debbie...are you getting some good info ?

 

Wanda...thinking of you.

 

Sherry....I am going to post a rare photo from our area....we had 'rain..freezing temps..(not for long)..Ice...in our area...but nothing compared to what you are having....

 

 

that was yesterday....now...all gone...temps are rising....

[mikesmum]

Its been 7yrs now since Micheal passed.  The softening of is being gone is as I was told it would be...The missing I carry with me each day. 

 

I come here less and less - this is the place where my heart began to heal, friendships were formed. 

 

To those 'new to the journey', take care of yourselves.  Travel your journey your way in your time....

 

Blessed be those who are angel parents - they know the true meaning of eternal unconditional love....

[Mermaid Tears]

Micheal Shane.....Mom....

I loved that Mommy poem....and you have come back....to see all us new ones on this site....it is ongoing...isn't it....how sad....you were not the last...

...thank you....for letting us know you are you....and you are making it through....

it helps...

for us that is not making it through....yet....

[ericasmom]

MICHEAL you Beautiful Boy,

 

seven in heaven is a long time but a mere blink perhaps to you, a mere blink of those rich dark eyes and that Clark Gable smile. You know this already Sweet Micheal, but we love letting you Angels know nevertheless---you are thought of with great unbounding love each and every day. There are those of us on Earth that never met you but know you because of that Mom of yours, and love you through and through.

Fly freely Micheal, give ERi a kiss if you will, and always swing into Momma's days and let her know of your love.

 

 

 

Trudi, I am so glad you posted here today. Seven years Trudi, it is hard to believe I know. You are the Momma of his heart and he remains your Sweet Son for all time.

Love you Trudi-

[shorty16]

Micheal, Micheal, Micheal

Forever saying their name

Thinking of you Trudi

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[ericasmom]

I think, Susan, that this is the poem that you were referring to:

 

Tangible things

 

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes Dee....that is the one....I did copy it but the 'new' ones on here will need to read it....from you....

so simple....so true....

words for those 'sacred treasures'....

of our children...

[johngeoffdoug]

Shannon, the words you say really hit the nail on the head. I also hide my grief, and I think people feel like I'm getting on, but no, not on the inside. Every day feels like the day we lost him, like I'm going to hear his work boots on the hardwood floor when he comes in from work. Since we lost our Geoffrey, we have had two other friends lose their children, it's like an epidemic. We have all become closer, because of the bond that we share of losing a child. No one can truly understand how deep the hurt is ... they all say they can't imagine, and my response is always, no, no you can't, nor do I want you to. The hurt may not appear so much on the surface anymore, as everyday life demands our attention. I sometimes have moments during the day that I just want to scream to the world .. can't you see or feel my pain!?!??! My life is forever changed, and nothing can ever bring back the person I used to be. Geoffrey was my shining star .. and I don't ever want that star to fade!!!

[Mermaid Tears]

Geoff's Mom....it seems that when we start our journey on the grief journey....with no compass or map...we are really in a foreign land...

in a place where 'no imagination' can ever conceive..it has taken me to places where I never knew...

but now...I am beginning to identify..

and the 'Me' that use to be...

is now the 'I'...I shall ever be...

even foreign to myself some days...

[Jeff's Mom]

Deleted

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

 Every day feels like the day we lost him, like I'm going to hear his work boots on the hardwood floor when he comes in from work.

 

Since we lost our Geoffrey, we have had two other friends lose their children, it's like an epidemic.

 

Karen,  I would have to say that for over a year that, really in some part of me, that I was waiting for Jesse to come through my back door…the reality of this all…it takes a long time…a very long time…

 

I am sorry that your friends have lost their precious children…we all know and understand what a horrible path this is…

I thought that Shannon’s post so summed up everything too….

 

******************************

From Susan “'Me' that use to be...

is now the 'I'...I shall ever be...

even foreign to myself some days...”

 

--I would say the same, I really don’t know who I am, some days are ok or parts of them might be and then the rug gets pulled out from under me…

 

*******************************

Kate, I hope that Ross wasn’t too badly hurt…my husband does the same type of stuff -- and he will go ahead and do --- and then regret the consequences…sigh...

I hope that the snow melts slowly to avoid flooding.

 

*******************************

Thanks Trudi for stopping in and sharing your thoughts and the poem...

 

Saying Micheal's name today...you are remembered...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

 

 

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening...

[ericasmom]

Laurie, thanks for posting the poster about a parent losing a child. When we see things that are published that speaks to the deepest Loss in the world, we feel somehow hugged, that we are a group that is slowly being better understood...

 

Geoff's Mom, how sad that two more of your friends also lost a Child, so very sad. We are forever changed by the Birth of our Children, so of course we are forever changed by Their death.

 

Susan, I also liked your wording; that you are the I, that shall ever be. So true.

 

Goodnight All, I dreamed of ERica last evening, I got to hear her voice and it was so lovely. I wish you dreams of your sweet Babies.

[wgreenlee]

Karen...

Yes, we hide our pain...and I know it will never truly go away.  That's what's so frightening.  Like you, my son was my shining star and I don't ever want that to dim...  Our journeys coincide and my thoughts are with you.  

 

Ted...

I know how important those new memories are... What a treasure!  So glad Nick's friends found it and knew how special it would be for you.  And that picture says so much...three friends dressed to the nines ready to have a perfect evening.

 

Jan...

I know what you mean about keeping busy...sometimes we just need to slow down, but that means more time for thought and remembrance.  I have been trying really hard lately to channel those memories in some positive way...hard, but it does help.  I try to find those things that make me smile.  Thinking of you "down under."  I don't know if I ever told you, but Brooks went to Australia to play baseball for the summer after his senior year.  He had so many good memories going from city to city playing ball.  Bought some really cool stuff that we now cherish.  Being so involved in music, he met a man playing those big tube horns...don't know what they are called...and brought back some cds with that music.  He was so impressed with how it sounded.  Wanted to bring one of those instruments back, but they're so big.  He also was so impressed at how friendly and helpful people were and they wanted to know more about him.

 

Cherry...

Stay in there...stay as strong as you can.  Lean on us when you can...we're always here for you.  It's been only six months for me, but it does get better.  Still hard...still so "unbelievable"... but that beginning pain does "soften" as many on here have shared.  When I originally started to share on this site that was the one comment that I clung too...I had to because I also had thoughts like you...my life was shattered and there was no hope.  I had to believe that others who were on this same journey could "pick me up" because I couldn't do it on my own.  I still don't think I can.  I will be on this site forever.  It is now part of me, just like Brooks still is...maybe that's why it's so important.  This new family I have here is, in some ways, more important than my actual family.  I am very fortunate that my family and friends are so supportive, but none of my family, and only a couple of other friends have gone through this and simply don't understand the sometimes unbearable pain it brings.  My mom kinda summed that feeling up a couple of weeks ago when I was really down.  She said she doesn't cry very much anymore because Brooks wasn't that main focal part of her life like he was with me, and there isn't that constant reminder that he is gone.  She can think more of all the good times because those are her memories.  She's my mom, and we are very close, but even she doesn't understand this palpable pain I feel every day...every single day...  But now, at least, it's not every single hour, or every single minute like it used to be.  My life is moving on...such as it is...but it is better than before...better than a month ago.  That is the hope I give you...that we know how hard it is...how you are feeling...how devastated you feel...but it will get "softer" and you will find times to smile and laugh and not feel guilty about doing so.  Your beautiful girl, Kylie, is now part of my life, and I will not forget her...nor any of the other children shared on this site.  They are all part of me now.  Sharing our children has truly kept me going, because in that sharing, I get to share Brooks with people who understand my needs and don't judge me on the time passed since his death, or how I should move on...and it allows me to help others in this same situation.

 

Sandy...

So nice to hear that some questions are being answered with your husband's health.  Maybe that "good" sleep will also help too.  Continue to let us know.  Please let him know of our thoughts and prayers.

 

Trudi...

Blessed be those who are angel parents - they know the true meaning of eternal unconditional love....

 

Thank you Trudi for that thought... and I echo what Dee said...thinking of Michael and your enduring love for him and sending peace to you.

 

Dee...

So glad that Eri spoke to you...and what you wrote to Trudi was awesome.  You always give me hope!

 

 

I still have not decided what I will ask Danielle on Saturday, but I guess I'll let the conversation go where it goes... I don't want to pressure Danielle so I will let her know that when she's ready to share I will listen.  If that's Saturday...then so be it. 

 

Someone needed a piece of Brooks, I guess, as his round glow light was taken... It's funny, though, because I'm not angry.  I really think that someone needed that... There are a few homeless people who sleep by the cemetery and maybe it was them...or friends...who knows...but it would be like Brooks to give his stuff up to someone in need.  Brooks, thank you for that!

[Newbie17]

Hello,

Because of my busy life I am only able to come to this site sporadic, but when I am able it always gives me comfort in my pain. There are very few that truly can understand the depth of this pain and how much it can immobilize us. In the midst of everyone's pain, there is comfort to be sought when we stay open to Him. I will be the first to tell you this tremendous loss of my son has isolated me and put me in such a state of shock that I feel numb most days. It is not easy, but I continually ask for a sign to encourage me. I went through my son's first birthday since he past. It was an incredibly hard time for me.... But I received a gift from heaven that I would like to share that brought me to my knees. I clean homes and I answered a craigslist ad to clean a vacant home the people knew nothing of my pain or my loss only that I clean homes. The house was totally empty but in a bedroom upstairs in the middle of the floor was not a thing in there but in the midst of the dust was a gift card inscribed " HAPPY BIRTHDAY Tye". It was the day after my sons 18th birthday!! What a gift.. I cried like a baby!! I thank The Lord he holds me in His hands through this difficult time. I pray to be an encouragement to others who are on this difficult journey. Right now my pain is too raw to really make that happen but I do want to share when I can:) I have prayed for signs along the way and He has given me signs that helps me take the attention off my pain and think of the celebration of life my son is enjoying!!!!

Jena

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...you are the 'one man show'...your are the 'one boy Dad'...

we....I....all of us...are with you....you cover a lot of ground...and a lot of the sky....

[Mermaid Tears]

Jena....I think many on this site knows there are many that simply 'read'...

they do not 'post'....

it can be of emotion...

or absolute..sadness....

it does not matter....

to any of us...

the reason I try to post...

is...because...when I write or post...the words come back and comfort me....

it is....when we give...we get...

it is simply that we gather...

for comfort...and understanding...

so....just come and read...

[wgreenlee]

Jena...

 

I pray to be an encouragement to others who are on this difficult journey. Right now my pain is too raw to really make that happen but I do want to share when I can:)

 

You are an encouragement, Jena...thank you!  It always is a special moment when you get that sweet reminder of your child...