Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

I am well, just super busy at school and quiet is all. I just needed some quiet time I think though I have been reading on the fly. It is cold with snow today but it is MARCH 1st and that means no matter what, spring is around the corner. The painful piece for many that are new is thinking of changing seasons when our Child was still alive in a different season. I know that during my first two years especially, that the seasonal change caused anxiety and a sadness that had to do with this, time moving on and being sometimes stuck wanting to stay in the time period of our Child. WE learn to let go of some of that, and some of it is based in guilt, that if we move on to the next season, if we enjoy the change in season we are somehow betraying our Child. All I can say about this is what I have said in the past, forgive the repetition, that our Child would want us to live as fully as possible because of the love they will forever have for you/us. That we must find ways to do this in honor of them, to stand where they no longer can, to make good differences in this world in their name. We learn how to do this though not without a struggle. It is not unlike the struggle of the seasons changing, they battle and go backwards and tiny steps forward, like spring trying to outwit winter but winter's strength overpowers spring for a long long battle. The Winter of our lives, the cold and loneliest time of our lives is this stage of loss, where we wonder if we have a battle in us anymore, and we wonder what to battle and why we should battle when who we love so deeply is gone. It is that time where we feel we could lay down in the cold snow and fall to sleep forever...but it is the fight that our Kids want to see when we stand taller than before and raise our hearts and our spirits and vow to carry on in as grand a way as we can muster. It is that battle and it is a tiring one, but it is one that takes us through the tunnel so many newbies find themselves, where we oldies also found ourselves. A long process, worth it though I promise.

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...for many of us that are on a certain mark on our grief journey....what you just shared is 'coming through' to my heart...just what I 'was feeling'...in thought...but you put words to the feeling....I am walking a little more upright now...thank you....

 

Sherry..I see the orb....

 

Cherry...I see the stardust in Kylie...all in pink...

 

Laurie...you are a treasure for many of us...with your research and resources you share...

 

Wade...loved that Enya...I felt I was there...moving in the snow...

 

Debbie...keep knocking on all those 'doors'....you know we are your 'cheering section'...

 

Wanda...I do believe you must be in some kind of Twilight Zone....never before have I heard of one being surrounded by as many morons..this is some kind of record for the books....

 

more later....Dee...am going to copy what you posted ...just for me to re-read in the days ahead..months..years...stay warm...

[Sholl1955]

Just stopping by to wish all a quiet and restful weekend.  More snow is headed our way tonight and tomorrow.   But that is how it has been all winter on the weekends.  But as Dee said it is March 1st so we know spring is close.   As I approach the second anniversary my heart is in a turmoil.  I cannot believe how fast time is going. I miss her now as much as I did the day she  left.  I know that you all get that.  Thank you!

 

Our new family member, Gabby, is adjusting well to our family.   She is very loving and sweet and responds very well despite the abuse she suffered previously in her young life.     She is the typical Beagle with lots of energy and antics that have to make you laugh.  She is smart and learning new commands quite quickly.   My hubby has resisted falling in love with her but she has broken a hole in the shell around  him and she is making her way to his heart   At the moment she is snuggled with him on his bed as he naps.   When the girls come over they love her.  The youngest, Becca doesn't like the fact though that when they run and play with her she jumps up on them and she is at the right height that she nips at her behind.    We are working on that, but it really is cute.( not for Becca though:-)

 

We have finally gotten approval for an MRI for hubby.   His pain has increased a lot all week and involves his hip and entire left leg and foot.  He can barely walk and has to use a walker.   I am sure that it is a herniated disc and I believe he may have some permanent damage from waiting so long to diagnose and treat it.  He is on pain meds which do not work really well.   I am frustrated at the health system but at this point just want to see the pain lessened for him.   Of course dealing with the pain also complicates the dementa.  But the Day Care that he goes to have been wonderful and take really good care of him while I am at work.  They even let him have Gabby with him when he goes.  So we do have much to be thankful for.

 

I am thinking of each of you.

 

Sandy

 

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I was just thinking this morning how thankful I am for this "place" ...for all those who have shared their pain, tears and struggles...and also the willingness to hold our hand as we stumble along the way...

 

Dee, Sherry...thank you...saw your posts way long ago leaving footprints for those to follow...

 

Also Carol and Colleen, for caring words...

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...are those the flowers at Jesse's sacred place...coming through the snow....? Mother Nature....the true artist

 

 

 

this brings to mind how many times we on this site have said/posted....'we know the dark days ahead for the family'...

[shorty16]

Hello my dear friends,

It is snowing out...again.

Hubby and I went to a resale/pawn shop called Ivanka's Trunk. We saw the coolest stuff. A baby stroller and changing table made of heavily painted rattan. My great aunt used to have a love seat, couch and chair of rattan.

The furniture was amazing. We are going back!

Has anyone ever gone into a pawn or resale shop? This stuff was beautiful.

Hope everyone finds something to smile about this weekend and then gives themselves permission to be happy.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Laurie...are those the flowers at Jesse's sacred place...coming through the snow....? Mother Nature....the true artistScreenShot039.jpg

 

this brings to mind how many times we on this site have said/posted....'we know the dark days ahead for the family'...

There was an article from Still Standing (Online Grief magazine) that reminds me of your post from CF...it was a mother who walked through a cemetery noting how many young ones were there...

Found this article from there...that I would post, please just substitute father for mother for our dads here...

http://stillstandingmag.com/2014/02/see-see-us/

 

We are the bereaved mothers. We’ve been known to stop conversations and cause all sorts of discomforts. We have received looks of pity and careless though well intended words that sting. We make people uncomfortable because we remind them of death or because we insist on talking about our children who died (but are still our children and are still loved – and we cannot forget them, even though sometimes some people wish we would just give it a rest). We point out empty seats that should be full, we cry over the one voice missing from the ruckus.

 

We are the bereaved mothers.

When you look at us, you may see pain, uncombed hair and a mess of tears.

 

Look one second more, and you will see a mother. A mother is love - walking, talking, tear kissing love. When you look at us, you will see that. Though our babies are not here to kiss, we kiss. We kiss all the time. We blow kisses at butterflies and particularly moving sunsets. We close our eyes, ever so briefly, and blow secret kisses. Sometimes a kiss will be an extra long blink, blinking back tears maybe, or softly remembering our babies.

 

Like every mother everywhere, our thoughts are always with our kids. We might not be wondering whether they are warm enough or whether they’ve eaten anything other than pasta for the past few days… but we worry endlessly too. We want to know our babies are alright, that they are comfy. They are passed on. Death does not unmake a mother. If anything, we need to be more resourceful in our mothering. There are no parenting books, no theories on how to parent a child who has passed on. But we still parent. We just make it all up, each day, as we go along, hurting and healing. Parenting is just tailoring maternal love to fit each child. We do that with our beloved children too. We wonder which flower would honor their lives, we relish speaking their names. We collect drawings of butterflies, quotes that touch our hearts, we write their names on the sand and in the snow.

 

We remember. We remember all the time. We remember the love. Also, the pain. That odd quality we have about us… it’s because we have something special. We have extra love in our heart, so it becomes love that wonders and meanders, most times with nowhere to go. So this love with no port, it flutters about.

 

Sometimes it bursts out through tears, stinging sobs. Other times it makes for a sideways smile when we remember our child. And it always makes us seem just a teeny bit off. Because we are. A child is missing from our arms. But all the love for them is here, inside us, bubbling away in everything we do. It makes us a little sensitive, sometimes creative, always brimming over with emotion.

 

When you look at us, I know that sometimes, all you see is the love. You see a mother who is all alone. Alone with her pain and alone with her love. And who is just trying to figure out how to make it all fit. You see our strength. You see in us the embodiment of resilience. And you finally understand that love doesn’t end with death. And that thought is astounding.

 

I think that we, the bereaved mothers, stand up for love. I think we personify strength.

 

I also think we would give up our glow ten times over for an extra day with our babies being alive. But no one is around to make that trade. So we just go on, mothering these pure souls.

 

Thank you for seeing us. Thank you for knowing, that behind the inexplainable, all there is… is love.

[Mermaid Tears]

Death does not unmake a Mother/Daddy....

 

Thanks for posting that Laurie....I can almost hear her cry..sobs..taste those salty tears....in each word...that is a very profound and passionate read....

    and...we all are in her shoes...we are writing every word with her....

 

And as Dee has written...we still 'Mother our child'...we will stand where they can't...

 

Death did not erase that I am John David's Mommie...

 

I guess that is why I read 'Death is nothing at all' over and over...to remind me that 'all is as it has always been'...

[shorty16]

Hi all

I just got off the phone with Becky, she said "Thank You" for all the cards and the container gardening book.

She still lacks mobility in her hands and cannot see. These are side effects from the diabetic issues she has.

She misses all of us.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Sholl1955]

Coleen, thank you for the update on Becky.  She remains in our thoughts and prayers.   Laurie thanks for posting the article.  it very accurately describes my feelings today.   I went to the store after posting this afternoon and was hit with a grief burst that had such force it took me by surprise.   Tried on some clothes (bad idea)  Missed my girls being with me for their "expert opinions"  Cried as I walked through Kohls.   Went to Walmart for groceries and cried all through that store.   Got many strange looks, but couldn't control it so didn't let it bother me.  I hate to cry, but it comes now without warning or control over it.   Not great loud sobs just streaming tears.  Cried all the way home.  There is no one I can talk to as it is time for me to be over this to those who don't know.  So here I am venting. I don't like this new life,and how lonely it feels. They say life goes on..........Well, yes it does go on, but not the way it was.   That will never be.   I am tired.

Sandy
 

[ericasmom]

Colleen, thanks so much for relaying that message from Becky. My goodness she has really taken a huge hit hasn't she, can't use those hands that did so very much work, and she cannot see?

 

Oh Lord please help Becky regain the use of those remarkable hands again, and let her tear stained eyes see again, let her take in the eventual greening of the trees and grasses, may she dig her hands in the dirt again and plant those flowers that give her delight.

 

Colleen, I have gone in many shops like that though some are much nicer than others. We sometimes watch a pretty great show; Salvage Dogs which takes place in IOWA I think. THere were two shows like this on HGTV, having to do with salvaging pieces of buildings and some furnishings and some wildly cool things. Now I can't remember which one is in IOWA and has a store in which to purchase some of the cool items that they remake.

 

Susan, I am glad that you feel a bit more straightened up and ready for the day. This is not easy Sweetie, so don't be hard on yourself when you feel bent under the ache.

 

Wade, glad that you could spend some time just being. As far as your wife handling things differently...we all have had that expereince. Husbands and wives rarely grieve the same ways and at the same times as far as intensity. She is doing her best to move in the way she sees fit. I just hope that you both are able to talk about the difference a bit so that you stay connected and don't feel adrift.

 

Sherry, I forgot to mention that I indeed saw the lovely ORB and several others in that photo you posted. How wonderful. My heart brightened. Thanks for sharing. Hold onto your hat again, it has snowed for about an hour now, only a dusting this morning, now more measurable. Tonight is the outdoor Blackhawks game downtown at Soldiers Field. One of my little students will be there watching, how exciting.

 

Laurie, we always leave our footfalls for those who enter this life after we began, it is our way of letting you know that we have you, we get it.

 

Wanda, hard to believe that the red-tape and bull---- is still going on surrounding Lane's account. Amazing. Time to go to the press I think.

[ericasmom]

Oh my Sweet Sandy, I meant to tell you how glad I was for the lovely news of the new dog, a companion for sure. I am so happy that the daycare providers are doing so well with your husband. I hope that the MRI, (which you had to wait for so long now) shows exactly what needs to be worked on.
I am sorry Dear for the crying but glad that you let it out. I know you don't like this new life Girlfriend, but it is the life you have and it is filled with so many sharp edges for sure. You can vent here all the time, your venting is your grief Sandy, it is what you have to let out so that you have room inside for other emotions one day. One day.

[wgreenlee]

Sandy...

I was also happy to hear the news about Gabby and your hubby.  Unconditional love and comfort is always so nice...hope all goes well with the MRI.  Will be praying mightily for a positive diagnosis.  Let those tears flow and know we are here to listen and comfort as best we can.  You know your way...and that is what is best for you.

 

 

Colleen...

Thank you for the update on Becky.  Please continue to let her know we are praying for her and can't wait for her return.

 

Susan...

And I am Brooks' Dad...thank you for that reminder.  I so much miss being called that!!!  

 

Cherry...

Little Kylie's photos are so beautiful.  Thank you so much for sharing.  I am saving every single one of them.  How is your husband doing?

 

Shannon...

How are you doing?  Miss you, but know that it is hard to post sometimes.  Thinking about you and your family.

 

Dee...

Trying to relax again today, but it's so hard.  If I don't stay busy my thoughts just run away...I try to stop them, but it's so damn hard.  A good book is always welcomed.  Going through some more of Brooks' stuff and found a few special items that I will share later.  Hard...but good memories.  Thanks for always being here for me.

 

Sherry...

I have always liked Enya, but now it comes with a little more meaning.  I would love to just drive that road on and on and feel that peace again...

 

Debbie...

Continued prayers for you and your husband.  Hope the road is being good to you right now.

 

Laurie...

I believe our children can see and hear us.  I've been researching this a lot, and yes, it is not proven or disproven, but our hearts know...  God may challenge us, but there are times when I know He brings about healing right when I need it most.  Not sure how I know...just do...and "that is enough for me."

 

Just finished a garage sale fundraiser for Tiffani.  Her mom, Faith, called the other day and actually was apologetic that she hadn't been giving us as much support as she wanted.  She said she was just trying to spend as much time with Tiffani as possible.  Told her that Renea and I were here for her now...not the other way around.  I think she was looking for "something" because Tiffani really doesn't have much time left.  Have talked with Bailey, Tiffani's sister, a few times lately.  Again...wondering again about that "something."  I'm am still praying so hard for that miracle, because I don't want to have to deal with death again.  I am tired...maybe this is my lot in life now...  

 

God, please help me know what to do and say to Faith, Brad, Tiffani, and Bailey.  I want so much to provide comfort, but need your help.  This was never in my plans.  You are supposed to provide when there is great need!

[lorismom]

Wade - Thank you for sharing the song by Enya. It was very peaceful to watch the video with the snow-covered scenery while listening to her beautiful voice.

Susan - I also have that poem you mentioned "Death is nothing at all". I have it framed with a little picture of Lori and keep it where I can read it often.

Cherry - Love the pictures of your little Miss Kylie. She is so sweet.

Sherry - Enjoyed seeing your snowy picture of your barn with the "orb"! Looks like a beautiful sign from your children, Davey and Lisa.

Laurie - Thank you for sharing the "Still Standing" article.

Sandy - Thinking of you as you approach Sarah's angel date.

Also, thinking of those here who are not only grieving the loss of their child but dealing with difficult issues as well. Be extra kind to yourself.

Take care everyone and have a peaceful evening.

Pat

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Pat....first thanks to you for holding on to this site for so long...more...prayers that you held on for so many years...more..that you knew that there would be others that needed to hear from you...and more..that you had the strength and stamina to hold on....for you must have known so many others would come...

of course...there is no holiday....for a passing of a child....

 

you must have known....we would need to hear from you....

thank you

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...you are forever Brooks Dad...forever..etched in stone..etched in the great books of all time...in the universe...just like mine...

I am John David's Mom...Susan...Susie...

whatever you may call me...for all time....I am John David's Mom...Mommie...Mother...Su Mommie...Patra...

[wgreenlee]

Found this on the "Alive Alone" website.

 

Please know that someday you will not feel as badly as you do today. Your hard grief work, which uses time to advantage, will help you heal.

Also, you are not alone in your grief. There are many bereaved parents who have traveled or are traveling a similar road to reinvestment.

One day you will awaken and your child will not be your first thought. You will go to sleep one night and your child will not be your last waking thought; then you will know that you are healing. You will always remember your child and the love that you shared and realizing that, you can reinvest in a new life in which your child will always play a part.

 

I am not there yet, and know that some of you are also where I am at, but we have that hope as promised from others here.  That "hope" keeps driving me forward, as I fervently pray it does for everyone else new to all of this.  My grief has morphed...it is not the deep machete cuts it was earlier...now it is more reflective...still biting...bleeding...barely healing wounds...but I can at times think of my son with only the loving memories we shared so often.  Now is one of those times.  Tears are not staining my face...maybe a few...and I think of all that made my son, Brooks, who he was...and I am happy for those "things."  I will go and visit him after this and feel the cool, night air refresh me, and look for him in the stars, and I will remember my boy and be just as proud as if he were standing next to me.  Found this book when I was looking at a few of his things this morning.  Gave it to him as a teenager when he was "finding" himself.  It was placed neatly with all his best stuff...lyrics...letters...poems...drawings...so I know it meant something to him.  Didn't remember it until today.  Tried to read it, but just wasn't able...but I did find one reason that kinda just opened for me, and will share.  Found some other "things" that I set aside so I can make new memories later.  I will share with you as those "memories" are made anew.

 

Thank you for the HOPE you give me daily!

 

[MissKylie]

Jesse David's mom, every word in the article you shared depicts of how a bereaved mom feels. I still wake up in the morning searching for my daughter Kylie. Then remembering the love and the pain. And why would a loving mother like us should lost a child? When there are mothers who don't even care about their children. We carry extra love and extra care that we love our children more than ourselves may be... I have asked God to take my life just let Kylie live. But He didn't agree...

 

Wade, thank you for the note. Just like what Dee said, husband and wife grieves differently. Before Kylie left, I was eager in making plans for our future. And then, everything stopped. What's in the future to think about when my dear sunshine has moved away? I tried to save for Kylie's future, her education. And we lost her, we used her funds for her site and for the things I didn't imagine that happened. My husband would like to have a business. And i told him, it's not the best time to think about the future while I'm still grieving. I cannot think about the future. All i care is to get my messages to Kylie, let her see that I keep on crying while she's gone. I will never be in peace. But that's fine with me. Because I will always be Kylie's mommy. 

 

I visited Kylie's site yesterday , together with my mother. Mama cried a lot. She's the one who takes care of Kylie whenever I go to work. 

 

Thinking of everyone here.. You're all my friends now. Who always have the time to share what you feel on this grief journey and we read each other's posts and pray for each other.

 

The other day was a torment. This site is better than running to a friend. I tried to reach out to my friends but most of them are working on a night shift and others don't want to talk about Kylie as for them Kylie has already moved on and there's no reason for me to cry so much more.. Yes, easy for them to say...Because they're not the one who lost a child...They're not the one who has gone through the things that we've been through..

 

Missing Kylie so much... 

 

Kylie's mom- Mommy Cherry

 

[lovU2themoon]

Wanda...I do believe you must be in some kind of Twilight Zone....never before have I heard of one being surrounded by as many morons..this is some kind of record for the books...

 

i feel like i am in the twilight zone, its the craziest thing ever!! 

 

 

Wanda, hard to believe that the red-tape and bull---- is still going on surrounding Lane's account. Amazing. Time to go to the press I think!

 

 

That is next off to the media, we will see how the meeting on Monday goes!

 

I try not to think ahead to the changing of the seasons, i keep trying only to think of today, i do get very anxious when i think of spring and summer, and August 9th, so i try very hard to only get thru today.

 

I know i can survive ONE DAY not seeing my sweet Lane, but to think of not seeing him for a long time. i just can't, but i can get thru today, 

 

I read the other day," that no matter how bad today felt, tomorrow is another day". "The sun will rise and set on this day". It may have been a post here, my memory is terrible.

It seems to fit with my being grateful for the end of the day, and sleep to stop the sadness and ache for my Lane. 

 

 

Thinking of you all

 

Wanda

 

Miss you so much Lane, we had the best times ever!!!

 

 

 

 

[wgreenlee]

Wanda...

I think what you wrote truly sums it all up...

 

I know i can survive ONE DAY not seeing my sweet Lane, but to think of not seeing him for a long time. i just can't, but i can get thru today, 

 

One day at a time... I hope that your meeting Monday brings you to the right people.

 

Those pictures look like they are from Universal Studios.  Wonderful memories!  Keep them close and make it through another day, Wanda.  My thoughts are always with you.

[Tbearw58]

I cant do one day at a time its one hour for me still. I hope everyone is finding comfort some how on this terrible journey we are on. I don't know how it seems like I have been sent back to the first week the pain and grief is so much now. I don't know I want it to be wrong let it be please I want my son Nick I miss him so much every minute of everyday. Being a care giver for my wife who has MS is hard enough having my son die on top is more then I can take it is so much for one person. My wifes health is slowly going away and  I don't even want to think of it. I am tired and wore out every day cant seem to move forward. It takes everything I have just to breathe.

 

Dear Nick I hope as an angel all the stress  of life have been removed from your shoulders and you are in a place of love and peace. I will try to be also but I am finding it so hard to do. I love you and miss you so much. Love DAD

[Guest]

.

[SamDsmom]

Lora,

When I read your post about your ex husband, it made me think about my relationship with Sam's father. We didn't have a bad relatiobship, we just quit talking after the kids were grown. I hadn't spoken to him for 4 years before Sam's accident. There just wasn't any reason to talk. Afterward, I think I clung on because Sam lived with him and I felt closer to Sam when I was there. It sure wasnt that I had any feelings for him other than the fact that he was Sam's dad. I'm not sure what his motivation was, but he has quickly moved on from even wanting to talk about Sam now that he has his new girlfriend. I don't know if that situation is like yours but I know ours was different reactions to our grief. I certainly understand wanting to be alone. Sometimes I have a need to be very private. I hear my husband talking about Sam or the fight that we are going through and it makes me angry for some reason. I want to pull it all in to me and not share. That probably sounds stupid. I'm not sure why.

Ted,

I can relate. Sometimes I feel like I have a few days or a week where I can breathe and not cry all the time, then for no reason, I hear my mother telling me the news and it's like it is happening all over again. I'm sorry about your wife. You have a tremendous burden.

Wanda,

I love to look at pictures of you, Lindsey and Lane. You always look like you are having fun together. I will be thinking of you tomorrow as I too start back on my path to try to find some justice. Maybe that kind reporter who did the story before can help.

Sandy,

Thinking of you today. Hope all goes well with your husbands MRI. I am glad to hear that he is warming up to Gabby. Some people probably think this is weird, but we have 2 dogs with us on the truck. A beagle jack russell mix and a staffordshire terrier. The beagle mix is so sensitive to my emotions. Since Sam has been gone, she hardly leaves my side and she sleeps as close as she can to me. I am a big animal lover.

It's nothing for me to burst into tears while walking through stores, sitting in a restaurant or waiting in line at the post office. I don't know if it is good or bad, but most of the time I don't even notice people when inknow they are watching any more. I used to make a beeline for the restroom or the truck. Now a days it just seems like part of life.

Wade,

I am always so glad to read what you write on here. You are an inspiration. The love that you show in your letters to Brooks and you compassion and care you show all of us is so helpful.

Colleen,

Thanks for the update in Becky. I will continue to keep her in my prayers for speedy recovery.

Susan,

Thinking of your son. Hope he is recovering.

Laurie,

Thinking of you and Christine and Thomas. The flowers in the snow are beautiful.

Kate, Cherry, Shannon, Dee, Pat and Sherry......praying for peace today.

it is a beautiful sunny day. We are in Richmond Virginia. Should be headed back into Winter tomorrow headed just south of St. Louis. Jack has had to drive at night so he will be sleeping during the day today. I plan to use several hours researching for my next moves for justice tomorrow. SAM I LOVE YOU. I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

[ericasmom]

Ted, I think that Nick does know how hard this is for you, you are not letting him down in your grief, he certainly is rooting for you but he knows that this burden is by far the hardest of all weights. If they could lift our earthly ache they would. Caring for your wife each day has to be exhausting especially knowing that hers is a degenerative disease. It adds to the whole of your grief. You can't fully grieve because you are caretaker and your energy has to come from somewhere. Your feeling depleted and worn is what any one of us would be feeling. Grief on its own is completely depleting, which is why we always speak of taking care of oneself, vitamins and healthy eating if possible. It is hard to care for oneself when the sadness is so full.

You and Sandy have a lot in common in that you are both taking care of your spouses in their illness. My heart to you both for this insanely huge task.

 

Lora, I am going to the gym in a quick minute, I have kept up somewhat with my walks but I have put on about 5 pounds over the winter as I certainly was not doing my usual kinds of walks. The snowtops are white again, but not a foot like you may get. Tell Jared that this is the 3rd coldest winter for Chicago, we don't normally have this kind of extreme. I hope that your brother is doing well.

 

Debbie and Lora, That kind of relationship that we had with our childrens' father is tricky when the kids are here and becomes a slippery slope when we suffer the loss. My former husband and I had worked out our angst thankfully before Eri died. He lived only blocks away and at first after our divorce, he could not even look at me, he was so angry at me and so unable to talk to anyone about his emotions. Finally as the kids got a little older I kind of got more forceful in my approach and told him that the kids should not feel his anger, and he did work on it and we became much more able to phone each other if there was a school concern or an issue with the kids. I am forever grateful for this. When Eri died we were forced to deal with each other on such a gut level, we made that Girl, we loved each other, she was born of our LOVE as was our Son. We found ourselves in lawyers offices, cemetery offices, bank offices, sat for hours in Michigan on three occasssions as we dealt with the federal court, we went through what parents do when a child dies and we did it together in as much as we could.  When Michael became sick four years after Erica died, I took him meals and spent time with him talking, he was so afraid. Still after ten years of divorce, I knew him in ways that nobody else did and so when he was going to die I spent the last week he was here with he and our Son, Jon, and his Sister, Carol. I slept in his room on a cot so that he would not feel alone in the night. I miss Michael, the father of Jon and Eri. I am so proud of how he was able to face our marriage difficulties even though it was long after them, he faced them and he became a wonderful Dad to our Kids. I am also so proud of my husband who had not one bit of trouble supporting me in my staying with Michael during that week in the hospital. Michael knew that my husband was a good step-dad to Jon and they talked about things that were important together.

Life happens according to NO script.

[SamDsmom]

Dee,

Thank you for your response. You are definitely right there is no script for this. I'm very happy for my ex husband that he had started a new life. I think his girlfriend has something to do with the fact that there is little, in fact no communication with us now. My husband befriended him and feels hurt now too that he is not talking to us. He is part of Sam and we both loved Sam so much. My situation is not the same as Lora's. I think that we all hold on for different reasons. I didn't want to let go because that was a part of Sam. During the time we spent with him, I was definatly reminded why we were no longer married but was able to overlook that because I know that no matter what are faults our my awesome wonderful son loved us both.

I'm a little jealous about the gym. I try to get out and walk when we stop but truck life is hard on the hips.:-)

[Jeff's Mom]

Deleted

[Jeff's Mom]

Deleted

[MissKylie]

 

Sharing this poem I found, Praying for you all tonight...

 

All heaven was in mourning,
The day that young man died.
When His eyes were closed in death,
Ten thousand angels cried.

 

The angels shed their many tears,

Because He was God's Son.

But there is a special sadness,

When God takes the very young.

At times like that, I question God ,

Why let a child die?

I cannot understand it,
And I need to ask Him why.

 

I, too, have heard the angels cry,
I've heard them cry first hand.
For I, too, gave up a child,
And I've tried hard to understand.

 

Yes, I received God's comfort,
Though I'm grateful, I  want more.
I want reasons; I want meaning,
I am a parent who's heart-sore.

 

God can give, and God can take,
I am well aware of this.
But, why my baby - why my child?
Why did God put him on His list?

 

Did I love my child too much?

Was he too good for this old earth?

Had his purpose here been filled?

Was that why he was taken first?

 

I awake each day with questions,
I fall asleep at night, the same.
So many times I ask God why,
I'm both saddened and ashamed

 

But then, in my reflective moments,
When my prayers are most intense.
One word keeps going through my mind,
Patience - patience - patience.

 

Maybe now is not the time,

To explain my great heartache.

Even if I knew God's reasons,

What difference would it make?

 

Can't I just be grateful,
For any time we had?
Accept God's action without question?
Why is that so very bad?

 

What's my hurry - why my pressure?
Is my faith not strong enough?
God will explain it when He's ready,
Surely I can trust that much.

 

God understands my broken heart,
He, too, gave up a Son.
He knows the pain of one lost child,

He weeps with me, and we are one.

Just as I talk to God each day,
I talk to my precious child.

I blow him kisses and I say,

"See you, honey, in a while."

by Virginia (Ginny) Ellis
copyright 6/12/00

 

  I love you so much Kylie...Mommy Cherry loves you and miss you so much !

[ericasmom]

Kate, I thought I posted but I must not have hit save: The Ukranians are being treated horribly. I can't believe that we still have this kind of ethnic violence and abuse going on. Shame on PUTIN for his disrespect and ugly attitude that threw Ukraines into the abyss that they are in. I am glad that Canada has taken the approach they have, pulling out of the g8 meetings and pulling their ambassador. I think we should do the same, and I hope sanctions will be in place as well. Not to punish the Russian people but to make aware that they need to rise up and insist on an honest government.

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate and Dee....just yesterday...I was in thought of being in the midst of great revolution and protest....of 'wondering' how I would be if I was thrown into that great unrest...revolt against what is 'wrong'...to right the wrong...for democracy ..freedom...I would often wonder when I would read about the 'resistance fighters' of WW11....'could I have been that brave?'....I do know I would take a bullet for my children..no doubt...but all that they did....to fight the 'wrong'....I remember watching 'something' on TV...months ago....and an international journalist labeled Putin...a 'thug'.....and know those words are so true...we get to the age where we watch a little closer...for I know that this is the world my grandchildren will live and grow with...we are a small world now...there have been so many missteps from both parties in our country...I do know that if we had had the media that we have today during WW11....I think we would have lost....

 

Cherry....that is a very emotional poem.....I have unanswered questions...but answered prayers...

 

Later today...I am going to post something which will be thought provoking...I have to scan some items...and gather my thoughts and words...

 

Ted...I know you live in Oregon...(my son, Jeremy lives in Hillsboro)....here in Texas we have many services available to assist people like your wife with MS...and help and assistance for the family....some need more help....some need just a little...it is all determined by the patient and the degree of the illness.....do you have those services that could help you out and give you some support ?

  Many on this site do recognize that you and Sandy have a very heavy load plus...dealing with grief....I am not trying to meddle....just trying to help.

[daveydow1]

Yikes----Behind again......  .   Anyhow.....Hello to all Indigos.

 

Cherry----thank you for that beautiful and insightful poem.  It sure does

make one stop & think.

 

Lorismom-----It's funny about that pic with the orb on the barn in the snowstorm.

I had actually looked at it several times before noticing the orb.  Orbs.....Signs

from our dearly beloved children from heaven.

 

Wade-----Yes, I agree...Enya's music has a beautiful and haunting quality about it.

It would be nice to drive that quiet snowy scenic road......in search of peace.  The

peace we all long for.

 

Laurie----Those are some very wise words from the magazine article. We do still

parent the child who is lost to us, even though there are no guidebooks to tell us

exactly how to do it.  We do it  'by heart'.  Thanks for posting it.

 

Susan----- "Walking a bit more upright now".....I think that is something we all strive

for on this bumpy road.  We may trip & fall, but we keep getting back up again......

just as our dear children would want us to do. John David must be smiling down

on his mama now.

 

Dee-----I agree.....that sometimes the change of seasons can be a bittersweet and

melancholy time for us, because we can always relate back to times....in any season...

that our dear kids were here with us.  Snowy...windy...and cold here.....as is getting

to be 'old'. It'll get warmer in time.   Making chili, and blueberry muffins today. 

 

 

Kate-----Old Man Winter is still with us.  How is it up North in your area?

 

 

Debbie-----

Yes,...I think Sam would be very proud of you for pushing ahead, even

with a broken heart.  Our angels are all looking down on us bereaved parents and

giving us a lot of credit for struggling, and yet getting back up and trying again......looking for peace, and

still honoring our dear children.

 

PEACE   AND    COMFORT    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

[daveydow1]

Our cornfield....and woods,.....on a winter day.

[Steve s mom]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted here a while .but I've been reading.i just have been very depressed lately and don't think I

Have anything to say right now.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Hi to everyone. Thank you to those who have asked about me. I'm doing ok. I've just not been in a place where I can't post much but I do come and read as I can and think of you all daily. I've been kind of busy and when I finally have some time... I'm just too tired to string many words together.

I'm taking a class in Natural Health and Healing. It's been interesting and I'm doing well in it. It's a start to get myself doing things again, I guess.

The other day there was a post on Trista's facebook from a childhood friend. These girls were best friends when they were young but kind of lost touch when we moved away. The girl's family drove her all the way here so she could be here for Trista's services.

Here is the post:

Zoe

February 27.

Today at school, we got letters back for us Seniors. Inside the envelope was a worksheet we had all written back in 5th grade, for us to read in the future. As I read it brought me such sadness, but also happiness at what I ran across. I had said my BEST FRIEND was Trista. Trista was such a wonderful, beautiful friend. That letter and what I had written had me in such shock. It's just really an eye opener at how long she had been in my life, and also what an impact she had, not only on our friendship, but also my life.

And here is the picture:

That would be like my Tris to influence someone to "be friends with everyone".

Yesterday was nine months since Trista has been gone. It was a hard, lonely day for me. My husband wasn't feeling well and I just felt very alone. I wrote a lot in my journal in and I went to Trista's site. I spent some time looking at pictures. Later Zak and I hung out in my room and ate nachos and watched movies together. That was nice.

This is from my journal yesterday.

Nine months… That’s how long a mother carries a child. That’s how long a father waits expectantly to see his child born.

For nine months I carried my Trista within my body… her little heart beating so close to mine. For nine months I dreamed of her… of her future, of who she might be, of what my life as her mother would be.

For almost eighteen years, I was blessed to live that life, as her Mother, here on earth.

Now, I have been separated from her just as long as I held her inside of me. For nine months, my child has been gone from this world. It’s been nine months since her heart beat for the last time.

This date hit me hard... nine months. It was the first of the month and it also fell on a Saturday so I'm sure that didn't help.

We had a nice day yesterday before this next batch of snow hit. It was dry and partly sunny and near 50 degrees so I spent a lot of time at Trista's site... cleaning, removing anything wintery and putting in some artificial 'spring flowers'. I talked to her for a long time. I told her how lonely I was feeling and how much I miss her.

On my way there I had tried to listen to the radio. I still have to be careful about what I listen to when... music can be very good for me or can be a big trigger. I couldn't find anything suitable so I just turned the radio down. When I got back in the car to leave Trista's site, I turned the radio back up to try again. A song was just coming on and the words were so perfect.

Here is the video. It touched me so much, was just what I needed, I came home and looked it up.

"Light Up The Sky"

When I'm feeling all alone

With so far to go

The signs are no where on this road

Guiding me home

When the night is closing in

Is falling on my skin

Oh God will You come close?

[Chorus]

Light light light up the sky

You light up the sky to show me You are with me

I I I can't deny

No I can't deny that You are right here with me

You've opened my eyes

So I can see You all around me

Light light light up the sky

You light up the sky to show me

That You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds

I don't feel them shining

When I can't see You beyond my doubt

The silver lining

When I've almost reached the end

Like a flood You're rushing in

Your love is rushing in

[Chorus]

So I run straight into Your arms

You're the bright and morning sun

To show Your love there's nothing You won't do

[Chorus]

That You are with me

That You are with me

It wasn't a station I recognized. The strange part was... as soon as that song ended... there was a little thing announcing the station... 88.3 Positive Hits. I took note of the station because I thought it might be one I could handle listening to. As soon as the song was over and they said the station numbers, I lost the station to complete static. I was just pulling into my driveway so I went in and looked it up. It is a station out of Florida. I'm in Ohio. I have no idea how I picked it up just for that one song but I did. Thank you, Trista Mae. I know you're always with me and you do light up my sky. I love you so very much.

Here is a picture of Tris with her cousin Dani on a vacation we took to Michigan. They were hula girls. In the picture you can see Trista holding a little Strawberry Shortcake doll that looks a little worse for wear. She loved that doll. Strawberry went everywhere with us for years.

I'm hoping I will be able to get on more often and catch up with everyone. No matter what though, you are all in my thoughts and I'm so grateful for this 'place'.

[ericasmom]

Cherry, so so long a time, even just one day without our Child. I know that this feels like a sentence more than a life, but it will become less sharp eventually. The poem is lovely, thank you for posting it.

 

Maryanne, glad to know that you are out there. Sometimes reading posts is enough. Being depressed is a hard hard place to be, but acknowledging your place is good. I hope that you begin to feel a might better soon.

 

Shannon, so good to see you today. I know that the 9 months hit you hard, why wouldn't it? I remember correlating the in utero time to the timeline of loss as well. I also remember when using months to count by instead of weeks in relation to loss was a milestone, and then when I stopped using months and went to years, another very hard milestone for me. We count time, we always have we humans. The unit of measurement changes, but the time just keeps ticking by.

I love the song that Trista sent you and the station too. How wonderful and what a powerful visit from your Girl. Your Wonder Girl.

 

Sherry, the slow wait for sunlight to thaw that ground and grow again. Oh how I look forward to the smell of growing things.

 

Went to see my Darling this afternoon, she is on the mend for sure. She still is coughing some, her eyes a bit glassy still but full appetite and hilarious play time. Now she engages others in games and manipulates the activity. I love the joy in her face when something goes the way she was planning. I love her voice and her new movements as well. Oh my, I am gushing.

[Jeff's Mom]

Deleted

[Mermaid Tears]

Well Shannon....we are very happy to hear from you...to know that you and yours are 'ok'....is enough for us....I had in mind that you had hit a very rough spot on the grief path...and we know about the 'energy' to post and compose...sometimes there isn't enough to lift a glass of water....so...we are gathered here for ones to 'read'....when I 'post' ...I want to reach out...and when I do...I feel as if I have been 'touched'...so it is a two way street for me...

    What a Trista song that came through for you...and the story about where it came from....'who knows'...is something we all believe in...those waves traveled a long way and hit you right in the heart..in just the spot you needed...

    And the friend of Trista's that shared that memory of your girl with you.....that came at just the right time....it means so much when someone from the past comes through with something....aren't we glad it doesn't come all at once....? I do believe the spirits know we will need to 'hear' something about our child after months have passed....

   Nine months...she has been gone....and nine months of carrying that girl....it brings a profound sense of sorrow and joy...but I know she is very near you...you have too many 'signs' to not believe that...I do believe in the time ahead...she will let you know in many more truly meaningful ways that will have meaning for just you and her....how is your grandmother doing?

[Mermaid Tears]

Ok....everyone stay with me on this one....

   Years ago after my Daddy died in 1996...only 8 months after my Mom died...I stayed to organize..sift..collect my parents belongings...and get the house ready to sell...John David stayed with me, too....he was stationed at Whidby Island and was in the Navy....

  there was no hurry...no time limit...the only comfort I did have was the familiar walls around me...and being in my hometown...Margaret Ann and friends down the street...

  my Dad had a small wooden chest he built when he was in High School ...in it were his 'favorite things'....there was this small envelope addressed to 'Joe' in my Mom's handwriting....and in it was this little book....

 

I browsed through it...and simply put it back...I still have his chest...and everything is still in it..placed by his hands...

     It was about a week ago...I was thinking...'John David does not live here anymore'....and I remembered this booklet...called 'Walter Doesn't Live Here Anymore'.....so...I went to his chest and got it and really read it this time...and re-read it....it is very Baptist...(my Dad's family were very Baptist)...but after the war...my Dad was not very 'churchy'...there was a chapter that was so amazing....

  now...in the front of the book it says...1,700,000 copies printed to date - March, 1951...so Walter Walker lived - 1902 - 1939...so I am guessing the book was first printed sometime after 1939.....and I am guessing my Mom bought it sometime around 1950....if you look close to the front...you will see some doodles...that is mine...I was either 4 or 5....I am guessing my Dad or Mom left it out...and me being such an 'artist'...I had to draw on everything..

   My Grandfather..Lawrence Miller Eldridge died in 1950....it impacted my Dad for a long time...I remember his sadness and sorrow...his grief...so I am guessing my Mom bought it for him to help him in his mourning....

   what is amazing to me...and I want to share with all on this site is the chapter called.."A Message From the Dead"...on page 15.....

  what it chronicles is a man that was disturbed that when he died he would 'sleep in his grave'....I have copied the chapter for all to read.....well....what it does say is...when the man was dying...people that witnessed his passing told how he talked to his loved ones that had gone before...and right before he died..he said.."Awake..Awake"....

   our loved Elisabeth wrote about how people would see 'people that others could not' when they were dying...and many would have smiles on their faces...and not fear...but happiness.....

   so...I am sharing this with everyone....for this 'kind of story' was being told many, many years ago...

I have been in another kind of enlightenment since I read this...so many times I have wondered if it was all true...if I could believe all that I have 'read'.....

   now...I have yet another proof....

I can only hope that I have given a layer of comfort to all here....when we wonder where our children are....am going to try and post what was in the chapter....

also...I goggled 'Walter Doesn't Live Here Anymore' and it is on the internet...(I was amazed)....

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

[Mermaid Tears]

I would like for everyone to know that I am not a Bible thumping person....nor do I endorse any 'one' organized religion...I am more like my Essie....spiritual...believer in many things...not just 'one'....

[ericasmom]

AMEM sister!

I am like you, one who believes in many spirit and nature, magica,l and heavenly ways.

I have never read the Bible, have never felt the need or want to do so. I had to memorize some things when I was little but they did not touch my soul. The many touches with angels however did, the sound of wind in trees, flowers coming back year after year...those things told me that there is a heaven, a place to be for the next piece of our lives...the forever piece.

[SamDsmom]

Susan,

Thank you so much for sharing your father's booklet. I hope it's ok if I save it. I don't know if I am a Bible thumper, I don't get a chance to get to church very often, but I do believe the bible to be the true word of God and hold my faith in the Lord as proof that I will see my son in heaven. I also believe that God uses angels and nature too send us signs from our children.

Shannon,

Glad to see you back again. I can understand the feeling of exhaustion but also the need to check in periodically to feel connected.

Debbie

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Susan for sharing that....I will have to try and look it up...I think it is interesting that the author would mention deathbed visions in that tract publication from 1951...in some ways our culture has lost that knowledge of what was known before and commonly accepted..in earlier days death of a loved one was taken care of by immediate family members instead of institutionized end of life care...certain events were quietly shared with those by the deathbed to inform them of what could be expected...now on one end of the spectum there is the dismissal of anything supernatural by scientific minds and on the other end is dismissal by those who are too stiff in the religious views to consider the miraculous...

 

But I know my own story and Jesse...he knew he was leaving...he directly told me...and there is only one way someone has that knowledge revealed to them...and I was with him the very first time this was revealed to him....

 

I am trying to edit some video that Jesse took...you know...I noticed some bright circular lights that are moving in the air by his car...it is odd...

[Jeff's Mom]

Deleted

[Mermaid Tears]

I want to say 'Thank you' to all that have responded to my posting...oh Kate...what a messenger...and all of you.. please copy any..and everything I post on this site....

yes Dee and Laurie...don't you know...when I read all this...I was thinking of you...and all on this site...that give messages...and illumination....to our questions...

I can say with this....I was humbled once again....

how this message came to me...

how the message was sent to me...

how I needed to 'hear..read it again'....in another text....maybe...but read it for sure...I needed it...

a message...via...my Daddy...maybe...

for me about my John David...

but for me to share....on this site...amazing grace...

[Steve s mom]

Shannon,

this reminded me of Trista but speaks for all of us who have lost our precious ones .

[Mermaid Tears]

That does look like a 'Trista photo' for sure.....thanks for sharing...and we know what it will mean to Shannon....

 

 

Today....March 3rd....John David has been away for 1 year...7 months...

[Mermaid Tears]

And we move forward....

 

Celebrating Texas Independence Day at Washington-On-The-Brazos.....

 

 

My gorgeous GRANDdaughter...Taylor Houston Allie.....the middle girl in front of the cake....

she was selected to 'cut' the cake.....she is a Heritage Belle of Washington County....

[ericasmom]

A song by the group, The National, that I love entitled: I Need My Girl

 

 

[Mermaid Tears]

When a parent has 'teens' in the home....they are introduced to all the new music...and I can truly say that the 'new' music that has been created in the last few years...my GRANDson, Austin brings it to me...has made quite a profound impression on me...and now....on this site....I have parents bringing me 'new music'....I so enjoy your sharing...