Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Laurie..Later...I will post the reasons...I had John David cremated....in fact....Randa and I were in a discussion just last night the 'thought that went with it'....she has always been such a 'partner' with me....and sometimes she and I are at the right time and place where we can open up with each other....then there are the times where she and I can only talk about...'every day things'.... just getting by.... I can understand how it pulls on your heart that you can't go and visit your SONshine boy....your heart, arms and legs are ready but the environment is hostile...for the travel....soon...Spring will spring....so glad that baby is safe within your home.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Guest Posted February 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Lora....it may be a common place kind of thinking....for mine goes the same way...it is like..'That was then''This is now'I can see a photo...or hear a song...and think...'that was when he was here''that is when he is not here' It seems my 'chronological clock' inside me is now ticking along those lines... Wanda....we hope your legal issues are becoming more positive...and that after all this time...you can finally get a handle on those issues...which simply wear us down... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted February 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Wade, please do not worry about forgetting things. This year is going to be the toughest to get through. Your mind will wander and shut down frequently. You will never forget all of those special times spent with Brooks. For now...you are just coping as best as you can... and that is all you can ask of yourself. One step at a time and one day at a time. Lora, I'm sure your flowers will bloom beautifully and add a touch of beauty to Cara's site. I am enjoying going to Curves. I am trying to make it three to four times a week. Between that I fit in my walks, etc. it helps to burn off the stress and really helps me to sleep better. Laurie, I am sorry to hear that your husband is having such a difficult time. Men frequently hold their pain in and eventually it can make them ill. I am glad that things are slowly getting better on the home front with the kids. What's new with the baby? Susan, about the point you are at I began to say the same thing. Before and after Jeff. I won't kid you. This is just so hard to get through. And yes... I agree that the ways of the past need to be changed. Clergymen, etc. need to update and change their outdated one liners. Its time to educate them that it no long works in todays world. I still find it difficult to say that my son is dead. Instead I say we lost him, or he passed away. You are correct in that somehow it softens it. If that could be possible. Sandy, am really sorry that your husband is having such a difficult time right now. I imagine that little dog will lighten his outlook and warm his heart given time. They can play wonders with a persons heart. Please try to take good care of yourself as well. Glad your grandies are close to provide that wonderful breath of fresh air. There is nothing like a child to take the focus off of our pain. Kylie's Mom, thinking of you and wondering how your little baby boy is doing? We are still experiencing the dreaded winter blahs. It simply will not go away. Today the high was a mere -14C and it felt like -40 with the wind chill factor. Honestly I am signing up for that spaceship to the moon. It can't be any worse. I've already had the training. We have both been very busy watching the curling and hockey this past couple of days. It's hard to believe the Olympics are over on Sunday. Seems like they just started. Curling is huge in our area as well as hockey as you could imagine. Kids learn to skate the minute they are able to walk it seems. Many of the properties have flooded some of their yards over for ice skating for the kids. Jeff was the guinea pig for his older brother and his friends. They placed him in net and used him to practice. That is how he became such a good goalie...with some very odd superstitions he followed before his games. Yes, goalies can be weird at times. Thinking of everyone and wishing you a decent weekend. Love, Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted February 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Hi all, hope everyone have a good Friday.. It's Saturday now here in Manila. I had the chance to dine out with some of old friends. They are making effort to make me happy or atleast take my mind off from thinking about Kylie. I have to admit that I had a chance to laugh again on funny things this Friday... But in between, there are times I was quiet as I wished I have my daughter and wish she can see me laughing... Dee, thank you for the advice. Your words " I can not speak for your Girl, but I bet she would beg you to stay here, to only leave when it is your time" - That would be oh so Kylie..She loves her baby brother. Like what a big sister will do. I just feel so sorry in so many things. Kylie not having the chance to grow older and her baby brother did not have the chance to get to know his big sister. I wish there will be shortcuts to getting to where Kylie now..without hurting anyone... Kathy, Jessica is happy to know you have Tavian. She must be proud of you for finding ways for her. I can imagine your love for Tavian. Will try my best to breathe the same courage for my baby. But I'm really having difficulty in doing so. I have been a hands-on mom to Kylie, checked her in between office break, sometimes sneak out in the office. Just to hear her say " Hi Mommy!" "How are you, Mommy?" or simply get a hug. And now it's all gone. So short-lived. I'm not yet done with her. I want to be her mommy forever. Susan, I've read your poem for your John David. "Mindful of you" as he will always be remembered... Our children will always be our children. Wherever they are... One of our colleagues who came from US dropped by at my workstation and told me "give me a hug". that brought tears to my eyes. I was not crying before he came. He asked for a hug when I was the one who need it most. Bless his kind soul. Oh dear, so that's what it feels like... sometimes all you need is a hug or a handshake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted February 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 Kylie's momThat is how this journey goes. Short periods of "normal"and then back to the pain.Those short periods of "normal" become longer as time goes on.It has been a couple months since I cried. In the beginning, crying was part of every minute.I am so happy you got out. Those people are true friends.Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted February 21, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 21, 2014 IThanks Colleen. This journey is like a dream. Wishing that one day it's not true that our children passed away. I'd like to believe that our life here is just an illusion. Since Kylie's passing I seem to get lost in the real world. When I see people smiling, I wish I can be that happy too... without the feeling of loss. Lora, returning to work helps me for the meantime. It's truly a blessing to have people around and get busy for few hours. It helps to stop me from screaming Kylie's name... Whenever I look at our children's picture, I really feel deep deep sorrow. They're all beautiful and handsome. Wondering why would God let them move away? Susan, am still new in this journey. It's been 52 days since Kylie's passing. Your words, I can see a photo...or hear a song...and think...'that was when he was here'.....that is when he is not here' , echoes in my mind... I'm not yet in the stage of "that is when she is not here" Still pretending she's just away for a while. Wishing I'd wake up and none of this is true. Kate, baby boy is doing okay. He's teething and always smiling. Sometimes, I ask him if her big sister Kylie is around. I had a dream about Kylie once and in the dream , Kylie are whispering hushing words to me. I cannot understand those hush. I mimic those hushing words to my baby yesterday and he fell asleep. Her smile and voice...I wish to have Kylie again...She's the best thing that ever happened to me. My dear Kylie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Found these.....this was the 'Walk for a Cure' Cancer Awareness marathon....(when they stay up all night)..... John David was 'walking' for his Mimi...my Mom...that is her picture on the luminary..(he had that photo in a frame..he loved that picture of her)....he also put the names of :Margaret Ann...(she is my BFF..her son names John David, too)Ginger and Robin...(Robin is Ginger's daughter...she died of melanoma...then two years later...Ginger died of 'breast cancer'..but we all knew she died from a broken heart).. and Zane.....John David grew up with all my friends.... I like to think that they were all 'there' to greet him and give him a hug...and they all died from cancer.... that is Jesse with him....'He ain't heavy...he's my brother'..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Wade----I, so, know what you mean about fearing that you will forget things about Brookesand that memories will fade. I felt the same after my son died 10 yrs. ago. While we maynot think of a particular thing or memory everyday, these memories are embedded in ourhearts & souls. They will come to us a different stages, and the thoughts of the memorieswill be like little treasures and will soothe our hearts. It has been many years since my6 mo. old baby, Lisa, died but I still have many memories of her in the short time she wason this earth. I believe that that fear of possibly forgetting things about our dear children,who passed too soon, is a common fear ....especially in the very early time frame after thetragic loss. But as time goes by, I think that we realize that our memories of the belovedchild are ours alone....to hold in our hearts forever. Brookes will always be near. Yourdevastation, pain, and despair are so understandable at this stage.....I am sorry. Peace& comfort to you, friend. Kyliesmom----My heart goes out to you. Your loss of your sweet little daughter, Kyle,is so very recent, and the pain & sorrow so great. Sending thoughts & prayers, friend. Davey&Lisasmom, sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Beautiful picture, Susan. They are one good looking group of kids up there. That party is building and you better believe they were there to greet him. How was it arranged that they stayed up all night? Miss Kylie, listen to Colleen, she is so right. It will change in time. But for now you need to go through these stages. I was happy to see you had a strong support from your friends. Give that baby a hug for me. Becky, thinking of you. Sending warm thoughts for improved health. We are just about to watch a movie. I spent the last while watching hubby go through a run through some of the hockey plays over the last several games. Actual physical display. He's happy... so I guess I am too. Love to all. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Kate...this Cancer Marathon happened around Houston...Jesse was walking for his MIL....who died from a brain tumor...it is an all night 'walk'....I remember John David would call me from 'time to time'....I finally told him I was going to bed....in the morning....John David called and told me that he felt like he had 'walked and talked for his Mimi'....and he felt so proud and happy about it all.... it is a fantasy I think sometimes....when I so want all of them...there...for him....and that he is with them...and they are with him....for I know how much they loved him....so....he doesn't feel apart from me so much....for he was so loved by so many... Sherry....as always....your grief journey speaks...in your wisdom filled words to all of us....I hang on to them all....and know you speak from your heart.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 My Pebbie....at the beach...Port 'A'....for Uncle John David.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Cancer... I wish they will find a cure for it... It's the same killer that took away Kylie from me... She should be playing and watching TV at this time.. her photo on our way to our grand family reunion. - in one of our walks in Bakhawan grove before we went to Boracay beach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Cherry, Kylie is such a sweet little girl with a winning smile that melts your heart. I imagine she adored her baby brother. Thinking of you this weekend. Susan, it sounds as if the boys were very close to the cause. Very few people today have not been touched by this dreaded disease in one way or another with family or friends. Being reunited together again in heaven must be a very emotional time when they first meet. It also gives us comfort to know they are with loved ones. We are now watching the hockey game. No score at this time. First period almost over. I like the stars on the jersey btw. I was sorry to see our Scott Moir and Tessa Virtue lose last weekend. However the States skated beautifully... and it would have been difficult to choose between either team. The American team were more traditional and mechanical....but flawless...and they took the gold. Well done! Ours was more fluid and contemporary...and romantic...oh my yes, sigh. Can't wait to find out about those two at long last. Thinking of everyone today. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 ThinKing of you all. Sitting in the panhandle of Texas trying to soak up some sun. Seems like it has been hiding for so long. Trying to have a normal day. Cherry and Susan, love the new pictures. Thank you for sharing them. Kate, glad Ross is feeling better. Laurie, Glad things are going better for you.Wade, I have their same fears of forgetting. Thanks to everyone who responded. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members lovU2themoon Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Hello all, found this article, and thought it was really good.Please no offence to the fathers of the group, substitute father for mother. Wade and Ted, your pain and loss runs just as deep. http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/why-you-didnt-fail-as-a-mother/ I try no to feel guilty, but as a mom, I am suppose to save, raise, and die for my child, so i have a bit of what my doctor calls "mom guilt". I read this article when i feel it creeping up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Debbie we have sunshine in this part of Texas....but going to get a cold front this coming week and could have a light freeze...and so....that is the way of Texas weather....I hope you are getting some down time....and some rest and restoration..to all the broken part of your heart.... Wanda..thanks for sharing...someone posted that earlier...but..always balm for a parent's heart....and something I think we must read over and over and over again....to beat the 'monster guilt'.....guilt and shame erodes everything it comes in contact with.....I call it 'when all the boogie men come out of the closet'.....and it can beat the most loving, giving and kindest person into the ground....when it gets a foothold into your persona....it can take off like a bolting horse... I think I need a lesson in discipline in thought processes....how to quiet the fevered thinking...it comes and goes with me...I have not learned to sift out the dark. I am learning that it is real...that thoughts can create your life and way of living... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Cherry----Love the pics of your sweet little Kylie. What a beautiful smilefrom a beautiful child.Thanks for posting. Susan----Thanks for your kind words. I guess we all learn along the way...no matter how short or long we've been on this unwanted journey. Peace to you, friend. Kate-----Glad that you & your husband are enjoying the Olympics. I haven't had too muchtime to watch, due to taking care of family things. I like the ice skating. PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 Cherry...your baby girl is such a beauty with a winning smile...she is truly a delicate soul that warms the heart... Debbie, read your posting...try to warm up down there...sending prayers as you work through the legal aspects which is exhausting in itself...it does keep things dragging along...when most folks think that everything is done you are still sitting there trying to push through the rest of the stuff...we have until at least next August of court dates... Wanda, thank you for posting the link...guilt is my Achille's heel...there were some other articles that I had read in that online magazine that really spoke to me... Shannon, how are you doing? Sherry hope things are melting off in your part of the woods...(or fields?)... It was another one of those days, just when you think you have your footing someone lands flat on their face...this time Christina had her turn of a grief storm...I had to drive her in this morning...will have to pick her up again... For me, somehow I feel all frozen up inside...I know if I start to to think too heavily it will just crash me out...there are no words for this stage that are truly adequate...it is like staring into a steel grey sky...not wanting this reality...still having that struggle inside where I scream "Shut UP" in my head when my conscious mind tries to remind of things that are...I am not ready for this path...and I am fighting it all the way... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 22, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 22, 2014 From LaurieFor me, somehow I feel all frozen up inside...I know if I start to to think too heavily it will just crash me out...there are no words for this stage that are truly adequate...it is like staring into a steel grey sky...not wanting this reality...still having that struggle inside where I scream "Shut UP" in my head when my conscious mind tries to remind of things that are...I am not ready for this path...and I am fighting it all the way... Laurie...so sorry to hear of the struggles that are going on with Christina...maybe...just maybe....they were trying to 'stand still' while you fell apart...fell through...when the parent zombies through with their grief...and then the daylight of reality sets in for the siblings....and really....the most healing thing they can do is 'fall apart'....then...they can start to put the pieces back together again...and we wish it didn't have to be that way.....in this age of instant gratification..instant communication...instant news from all over the world...instant pain relief...instant food...fast travel...fast cars...fast way of living..... we forget....that healing can only come with time...rest...restoration...meditation...and that is slow....it crawls... you and I are in this '2nd year'.....I have learned a 'few tools' for my survival...I am still in the Pre-school of grief...but I am learning...and we all will...it just takes a lot of time... I keep this saying in front of me.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted February 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Hello All: Been reading a blog from a mom, Rebecca Carney, who lost her 19 year old son a little over 10 years ago. He and his girlfriend were both killed by a drunken driver instantly. I appreciate her honesty and perspective on her grief journey...and also her thoughts on commonly held beliefs about grief and on bad things that happen. The reader's comments (almost all bereaved parents) had some thoughts in them as well....this is written by her perspective...my perspective on grief writing is take what may be helpful and leave what doesn't work behind...to get all the tools one can...one needs life preserver of some sorts in this rough sea... https://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/2013/04/18/vulnerability/#comments Each of us individually arrived at the moment of our child’s/sibling’s death with different “tools” in our toolbox, with unique and varied personalities, with unique and varied experiences and backgrounds. Our experiences following the death are also unique and individual.https://onewomansperspective02.wordpress.com/2012/03/20/a-few-more-things-ive-learned-in-the-ten-years-since-jason-died/?relatedposts_exclude=2856This second blog entry has many excellent points...While grieving, those in pain need a sense of a compassionate presence. That is a person who provides a healthy relationship and companions them. It is the person who can “just be” with them in whatever way is helpful throughout the journey.Susan, thanks for sharing that saying in the last post...if you don't mind, I will add it to the gallery images in the Loss of a Child section Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted February 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Laurie,Thanks for sharing that today. I think I expect others to understand what I am going through, but someone's I'm not as patient with others as I should be. Sam's dad has got a new girlfriend. He's 60 and she just turned 40. He is 10 years older than me. But, I got to meet her and I really liked her. She seems very nice, eventhough the are very obvious signs to the rest of us that she is using him for money. She had no car or job. After 1 week, She had his house key. It has been a month and they are talking kids and marriage. I try to keep my mouth shut because it is none of my business. But now he doesn't seem interested in pursuing what happened to Sam. The attorneys won't take the case because they said can't fight the railroad in Kansas. I have the Attorney General's victim advocacy group looking into what they can do to help me. My husband and I are meeting with a friend of my sister's, who is a reputable private investigator in 3 weeks when we get back home. Sam's dad wants no part of it. Now that it was ruled an accident and insurance has paid and he is starting a new family he thinks should let it go. Just last week he was different. I have been dumbfounded and more than a little angry, But after reading Laurie's post this morning I am reminded that grief comes to all of us differently. Wanda,Thanks for the website. I glanced over it and hope to read it more today. I put a card in the mail for Becky. Hope she is back soon. Susan,Thanks for always being here. It is always comforting to see what you write. I think of Hunter Bear crawling under the covers at grandma's house feeling safe and secure. So, I am continuing to chug along researching laws and trying to find out what happened to my baby. We are in Flagstaff today waiting to meet my husband's half brother and his wife for lunch. He hasn't seen him for 30 years since their father died. I helped him find him because he didn't know where he was.Hope everyone has a good day. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted February 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 I also wanted to tell Laurie that I hope Christina is doing better today. My daughter Afton goes through her spells from time to time. I think it must be so difficult for them because their grief is so overlooked by others out it seems that way to me. My heart goes out to her and Thomas as well. I'm thinking of them today. Debbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Laurie...thanks for sharing that blog...she covered a lot of common ground...and also the common fact that everyone does grieve differently...our grief will be as unique as our child....and that each one deserves a lot of respect in their own grief journey...also...true....you just can't get off the 'grief train'....exhausting...and one does get so tired of carrying the grief and sadness.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Debbie...I don't know if you read the post I wrote about my tenant...she is 74..lost her Mom of 94 recently...but she and her sister were adopted when she was 8..her sister was 7...and her two brothers were adopted by different families...when she was in her 60's...one of her brothers found all the siblings...and then they were reunited with the Mom...and she went on to have a very warm and loving relationship with her.......so...with that said....I hope the meeting with your husband's brother is a very positive experience...and you should pat yourself on the back for helping get them back together... It does sound as if your Ex is trying to move forward...please don't feel like you are abandoned..some have more 'fight' in their DNA than others.... from my experience...I am the one in my marriage that will 'dot the i's' and cross the 't's'....Daniel tends to be more passive...I am not hostile....but I am the one that will 'git-r-done'....I will go after things that are 'for the principal of it'...but that is the balance......so....it may be left up to you to shine a light in every corner...to 'keep turning the pages'....make all the phone calls...and be your own best friend..... But...do not give up or throw your hands up because someone wants you to....you are the 'star' of your movie...you are the main character in your book.... You keep digging and sorting and looking....many on this site have had that uphill fight...and they can help you and give you some good advice....all of us on this site have more questions than answers....but we are here to hear you. You mentioned that there were 4 people that the police could have questioned but didn't...(I think)...I would think it would serve you well to get them together...have them write their own report...you would have something to hold in your hand to present to an Attorney or police. Keep us in the loop. Hunter Bear is so much like John David...'the hunt..fish..football' kind of personality.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 23, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 I saw this and it reminded me of Becky and her signs....will send a copy of this to her... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Thinking of everyone this evening. Wishing you a better tomorrow. We are exhausted this evening. We got up so very early to watch the Olympic Gold hockey game. We were so pleased with all of the games. Cleanly played. Well done boys! You brought it home. You made us so proud. Go Canada! To all of the hockey Moms and Dads...the ones that get up in the middle of the night in horrible temps to warm up the car to get you to our practice in God's Country...an hours drive away on a Saturday morning...sitting at McDonalds or Tim Hortons fixing on coffee...this is for you! SWEET! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Hi Everyone, I just was able to get on the computer after 2 days of husband working on it to make it work better. He really put a lot of time into it. So I am here, just catching up on reading.Be well and hold on and know that our Angels Babes are smiling on us. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Dee and "Hubby"...we have missed you big time! Good to see you back. I thought you may have left for warmer climes. Ross and I are just off to bed. We are beat. A long day all around. Another week forecast of chilling weather. Apparently it may last another week. I have decided we should celebrate a second Xmas and skip next year. Time out all around. I may invest in flares in case we are buried in the snow. Thinking of everyone. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tbearw58 Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Hello everyone I was taken back to my sons accident this weekend by this accident that my wife and I came upon when we were returning from a weekend at the beach the grief and pain were brought back almost as if it was the same night. The 41 year old was laying in the road covered up. the girl friend is pregnant with his child.Rollover crash kills 2, injures 1 west of Eugene by Associated PressPosted on February 22, 2014 at 5:22 PM PORTLAND, Ore. (AP) -- State police say two men died and a 19-year-old woman was seriously injured in a rollover crash near the Lane County community of Noti.Lt. Gregg Hastings says the Kia Sephia driven by 23-year-old Raymond Wyman of Noti traveled off Poodle Creek Road late Friday and struck several trees after rolling multiple times.Wyman died at a hospital and a passenger -- 41-year-old Christopher Manley of Veneta -- died at the scene.The driver's girlfriend, Jessica Parker of Noti, was taken by ambulance to a Springfield hospital, where she was treated for serious injuries.Police say alcohol might have been a factor, but the crash investigation is not over.Noti is about 20 miles west of Eugene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Yes Dee....I was beginning to 'wonder'....wondering if you were in bed with the flu...or had bad news....if I didn't have Daniel to do the 'computer' stuff....I would not be on here....or I would have to wait for my smart son-in-law...or smart son...to come and get it fixed...I do get 'somewhat panic' if you aren't here with your light on our path... Kate...I see on the news more Arctic weather is on its way....it was 80 yesterday...but will get a cold front on Wed. and we could have a light freeze....but nothing like what ya'll are getting.... TBear....of course you went spiraling back to your son's deadly crash....we can't help but being back in 'that place'...and now you and we know the dark days ahead for that family...it just all tumbles down. I have grown another 'eye' that sees what I did not before...I can't say I am a better person....but I do have another layer of empathy...I have another layer of tenderness...and I am humbled by all that I have learned on my grief journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 24, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 24, 2014 Shannon....how are you doing...and the boys...? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Hi All, going to go sit my bones down and watch a little TV. The cold is returning big time, high tomorrow will be 11. Oh well, we know that it won't always be cold, the sun sure does help and it was sunny all day today. Robins are banging away in the gutter of the house, think that they are making new nests for the upcoming promise of spring. My little Grandgirl was sick this last week but is on the mend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Dee, good to see your post...I was wondering....it is good you were able to get the computer fixed. Tbear, we will send prayers for the families involved in this accident... Kate, today we passed an old farm shed that had snow up to its eaves...not a usual sight around here... Susan, be sure to send us all a bit of bottled sunshine... Sending out warm wishes tonight for Lora, Wanda, Mary Ann, Gretchen, Colleen, Wade, Carol, Becky, Debbie, Cherry, Kathy, Shannon, Sherry, Geoff's mom, Karen, Sandy and so many others who are touched by this site... ...It has been a really rough journey...thank you to all who have held my hand during this past year... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Sorry I haven't been on here to help encourage, but just was in this huge whole of "despair." Not sure where it suddenly came from... I've been teaching an after-school program, a couple of night classes, and then some Saturdays for some professional development for our district and maybe just drove myself into the hole. The days just come and go and sometimes I can't even remember what I did the day before, but I also need to stay busy. I guess I'm not in the acceptance stage yet. Brooks and I have chatted often...I find myself going to his site numerous times a day and just unloading to him. I hope somehow he can hear me. Kate...Kudos to those Canadians...congratulations to both men and women. Bronze would have been still ok, but we tanked it. Now, back to real hockey. Yeh! I need that diversion each evening. Sorry about your weather again. It's a nice 65 today. Cherry...Kylie's pictures are precious. Beautiful. My heart aches for you. I hope there has been some peace for you. I thought you mentioned a promotion a couple of weeks ago. Anything? Cancer needs to be cured. There's so many worthless programs we spend money on, but yet, researchers have to sometimes beg to get funds to try to eradicate this disease. Something wrong there. Debbie...Just curious...what do you guys normally haul? Texas sure is a big state. Do you have a favorite state to drive through? Hoping that you get some positive answers from your advocate at the state. Hope your visit in Flagstaff went well. You sure cover some ground. Wanda...No offense taken. I completely understand and the article was good for me. I think I was at the same point as you, so thank you. This stood out for me... Even if you did nothing more, you are already the best mom there is because you would have done absolutely anything to keep your child alive. To breathe your last breath to save theirs. To choose the pain all over again just to spend one more minute with them. That, is the ultimate kind of love. You are the ultimate kind of mother. Hoping there has been some progress in Lane's account dilemma. Susan... "I think I need a lesson in discipline in thought processes....how to quiet the fevered thinking...it comes and goes with me...I have not learned to sift out the dark. I am learning that it is real...that thoughts can create your life and way of living..." Me too. I think my thoughts and actions over the last few weeks have been to try and shut out the pain and loss, but it just came "crushing" back. Probably not a good way to deal with it. Just snuck up on me. The article Wanda posted was good for me. Glad for you too. How are your rentals doing? I was listening to Stossel on Fox talk about all the regulations, etc. for business owners and it's crazy. One survey of small businesses noted that it takes about a third of your time just to deal with the taxes and paperwork. Do you do all of that yourself? Wonderful sign! I think sometimes we forget how important farmers are...I remember many days as a young boy driving the tractor down the road...always felt grown up doing that. Laurie... "For me, somehow I feel all frozen up inside...I know if I start to to think too heavily it will just crash me out...there are no words for this stage that are truly adequate...it is like staring into a steel grey sky...not wanting this reality...still having that struggle inside where I scream "Shut UP" in my head when my conscious mind tries to remind of things that are...I am not ready for this path...and I am fighting it all the way..." Again...me too! I do feel like I am fighting this...like it won't be real if I just keep fighting... I have to admit I have let loose more than my fair share of cursing over this last week, and I never do that sort of thing. It just suddenly comes out and I hate that feeling. Like I'm not progressing and this will last forever. I know it won't, but when will I see more light to guide me? I also hope Christina is doing better. Having that added pain that another child feels must be so hard...prayers to you. Sherry... PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. I need that now...thank you! When I look at David's b/w picture I always think of Brooks' b/w pic I put on his little headstone. I love David's big smile. Brooks' pic is one of the few he wasn't smiling, but it looks right through me when I visit him. Ted...I guess those feelings will always come up when we see reminders of how our children passed. I do that every time I read or hear about a murder. I pray to God I never see anything like that. Peace to you brother. Hope work is giving you a little more peace. My friend and I are now taking off the front panels of his Mustang and fixing little dents and doing lots of sanding. Thanks for your help! I'll take a picture next time of our work. Dee...So glad the computer is fixed. Would miss you terribly if you weren't on... Hoping everyone else is doing ok. Think every day about my new "family" and thank God for all of you. Brooks' birdhouse...trying some suet instead of birdseed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members daveydow1 Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Dee------Glad that your husband got your computer fixed again. My printer took a fitand would not print, but with some "fiddling" around with the settings, I was able to get it working again, as I needed to print something important. Yep.....cold weatherwill be upon us again soon.....(sigh) . Glad that little baby Erica is getting overbeing ill. Ted------Oh that is so upsetting, seeing an accident, and it sure brings back a lotof pain and sorrow to the forefront of our hearts. Prayers for the families of thevictims. Peace to you. Laurie-----Yes----winter is not done with us.....that's for sure. but, as Dee says.....it can't last forever, and spring will be here when it gets here.....we can't hurryit up, I guess. The birds are beginning to sing their 'spring' songs here & there. Good tohear them. PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY. Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ericasmom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 And thank you Laurie, for all of the hearts you hold, for the support you offer so readily. Like so many here, the giving just keeps on, and it is heart warming to know that everyone here holds everyone's hands. I hope that Christina continues to get the assistance she has found to be helpful, and that she begins to feel that she will see the sun again, feel it warm on her cheeks. Ted, that accident site was horrific, and I know that seeing it feels like it puts you back to square one. You will think about it a lot, knowing as we do that the families of those killed will have to go through what you are going through, what we have gone through. It is the last thing we want for anyone else, I know. Prayers for the families and friends of the two men and I sure hope that the young lady will be okay even though her heart will be broken. Thanks Laurie, Sherry, Kate, Susan, and Wade, I missed being here over the weekend. Kate, big wins for your teams this olympics. Hooray! Sherry, yes, more cold but the cardinals sang even this morning before the sun and it was only 4 degrees out. So the birds are getting ready. Wade, I love the bird house you built. Lovely. Sounds to me that you are putting too many hours into your work and not enough into the feet-up-book-in-hand-kind of days. I do get that you want to remain busy, but I caution you and others new, without time to grieve and time just given to being with your thoughts, they do come bursting through the walls we put up, grief demands some time, it is a powerful beast but eventually, you will learn how to work with it rather than against it. It is powerfully scary to think of letting the ache and pain come in to the room, an invited entity, but again, this is part of the fabric you now are made of, so giving it some air, some space might be good. Many are afraid that once out, it is impossible to shove grief back under our beds, our closets, our masks, but we can still do that, I promise. Maybe one evening this week, you can just let yourself feel the weight of the last few months. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 thank you, Dee... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Dee...That is such good advice, but like you mentioned, I am afraid to just let it go. I have on a few occasions and it seems to just incapacitate me. I know I need to do just what you said, but even now I am preparing work for school tomorrow. I will take your advice and tomorrow after teaching will just sit back and relax...watch a favorite tv show...or read my book. Even then, however, I will still think of the books Brooks and I shared and how we would talk about them, and encourage each other to read the latest book read by the other. I have been reading to him the last book in a series by Raymond Feist...we both like fantasy...and it just brings up so many emotions. He never got to finish it. Hard to read through the tears... Maybe there are books in heaven...at least the Bible, wouldn't you think? I will report back tomorrow and let you know how it goes. Just like the kids, I need to listen to good advice. Thank you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members wgreenlee Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 This song will be forever my guide to you, Brooks. As I listen to it again for the 1000th time, I remember the times we had watching Lord of the Rings at Christmas and your excitement for each one. Me too. Being with you was the best thing I had going. Do you remember when we watched it back to back? I'm glad we did. "Sleep now and dream of the ones who came before..." You can rest now, Brookster. "Safe in my arms, you are only sleeping..." This was a good song to send you off. Peace to you, son. "You and I will meet again..." Dad Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members MissKylie Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Yesterday, I was sent on a leadership training. I was assigned to sit in table number 5 and received a book as a souvenir entitled 5 levels of leadership. At snacktime, the Gentleman song was played. It suddenly brought me back to Kylie's talent's day when they had a dance number last September 14, 2014. How odd, to find a pattern. I gave birth to her 5AM of 5th month of the year. I was admitted in the hospital May 5, 2008 to give birth to her. She was diagnosed with tumor in my womb when she's 5 months old. And she died when she's 5 years old. When i went home, I rode a cab and another song was played, also one of the songs in Kylie's dance number. It's the second song in their dance mix. I cried so hard. It can't be true that she's gone. We consulted an akashic reader last weekend, she's said to have the ability to read the journey of one's soul. She said Kylie chose to live here with us for a short period of time. And she's now happy, and the happiness she's feeling right now can't be matched by what we have here. How can she easily let go of me? I took care of her in my womb for 9 months ..and then 5 years... I just can't let you go, Kylie...Because I'm your mommy.... Laurie, I wish there were visiting hours in heaven. To ease the pain a little bit. To reassure that we'll meet them again. Dee, it's always sunny here in Manila. March is our official summer month. I hope your Grandgirl is feeling better now. Ted, Sherry and Shannon, I hope you are both doing well. Wade, the bird's house you made is cute. The days just come and go and sometimes I can't even remember what I did the day before, but I also need to stay busy. I also have the same feeling of in a rush to complete the day. Me and my husband were talking about who's gonna go first, as we're both loosing hope to live another day. And it's unfair to talk about dying when Kylie's baby brother is looking at us...If we'll be allowed to live more years, we hope that our baby boy is a healthy baby boy.. Please... We'll try to consult a pedia oncologist... The trauma of going to pediatricians..entrusting our child's life... I hope God will have pity on us... Thousand years by Christina Perri is the song that I shared to Kylie once. It's the song that makes me think of the fear of loosing Kylie. And now, she's out of my reach... I LOVE YOU ALWAYS KYLIE!!! Please don't forget about me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Tbearw58 Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Today is my dads 85 birthday he passed away 13 years ago and I did not have to much grief when he died but now with my sons Nick death I am having more grief. Its almost like I have fallen back to the beginning and it hurts the grief is over taking me and I seem to cry all the time lately. I miss Nick and don't see life being ok anymore I don't see anything from here its dark and lonely in this place I am at now in my life. Its like I want to crawl under a rock a not come out until its my time to go. I don't know i just don't know. Hopeless I love you Nicholas Lloyd Walrath you are my son always no matter what or where you are. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff's Mom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Ted, I think the reason you are feeling your Dad's death so much at this time is that you wish he were here to help to comfort you in your loss. Hang on, it is going to take a long time. How is your wife doing? This must be so hard for her...has it affected her health greatly? Thinking of you both and sending warm wishes. Kate Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Haven't been able to be here for a few days.Ted, I remember the first time we came across an accident driving down the highway. It was and still is for me a horrific experience. Sam wasn't in a car accident, but when I see the flashing lights and all the people, it brings back nightmares of what the scene must have been like. There is also a new anxiety associated with being able to so deeply feel what the loved ones are going through. Susan,We have begun talking to all Sam's friends who were with him that night on a deeper level. There have been many inconsistancies in their stories over time. Its hard to tell why, the accident had such an impact on them. There is so much going on with it right now. We spoke to the private investigator yesterday. He is ready to start on the case and can hopefully find enough evidence to turn it back over to yhe attorney general. He spent many years dealing in law enforcement and agrees that there is no way he could have walked that far and used his phone with that high BAC. Can't say much more right now. Thanks for sharing the story of your tenet. We had lunch with my brother and sister in law. They were so nice and welcoming. As a matter of fact, as soon as we are finished loading today in Las Vegas we are headed back to Arizona and hope to see them again.Dee,Good to see you back. Glad it was just computer issues. Hope your baby feels better soon.Kate,Hope it warms soon. I forgot how much I missed the sun.Wade,I love the bird house. You have so many talents. What great ways to honor Brooks. I can so identify when you talk about the pain coming crushing back. I have really been delving into the case this week. Making sure I have all of my documentation of conversations with police, festival promoters and Sam's friends. It amazes me how much I missed in my fog. More inconsistancies, things that dont make sense. I know in my heart that my son was put on those tracks. It is like reliving the nightmare again. But I am grateful that I have a new friends here and a few new coping skills. It doesn't make it hurt less but it makes it a little more bearable most of the time.To answer your question, we run the entire 48 states. I love the northeast, but I think the Carolinas and Virginia are my favorites. I'm not much of a desert girl, but the warmth is nice after this winter.Cherry,Another beautiful picture of Kylie. She is such a little angel. Thank you for continuing to share her with us.Sherry,I agree with Wade, I am always so glad to see you have posted! When I see Davids big smile it is heartwarming.Laurie, Lora, Shannon, Colleen, Becky, thinking of you all today. You all touch my heart. With the Lord and my friends here, I have the strength to carry on my missiin to find out what happened to Sam.Wade, can't wait to get to heaven to see Sam and allhis new friends. I believe we will get to hear the Word straight from the mouth of Jesus.Sam,I love you so much. I promise that I am going to find out what happened. I'm sorry that your dad is mad at me, I tried but I can't let this go. I miss you so much my heart hurts. MomDebbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 I'm asking for prayer. I just got off the phone with the forensics lab that did Sam's autopsy. I found out that the police lied to me about Sam's BAC. I have caught his dad in multiple lies now. I can't think and feel like I am going to explode. I know others have gone through similar things. I don't know how to do this. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out. What kind of motive???? I have theories but my head is too scrambled right now. Thanks for lettong me shareDebbie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Oh Debbie...yes...I have said a prayer for you....First I am glad you talked to a Private Detective....and I wanted to tell you that I learned that they 'know' how to ask questions...from the witnesses....they know in what order...key questions...that a person like me would not know how...I would be too emotional for one thing...and certain questions would never enter my thoughts...and I would be all over the place. I don't know what all you are finding out...or how twisted things have become...but with the right people in the right places...I think they will be able to find out some truths for you....and help you. Know we are here for you. Ted...I agree with Kate....I think it is normal to reach back for our passed loved ones..I wanted my Mom,Dad, Grama,Grampa, Aunts, Uncles and my sweet dear friends to come and be with me....I was a very homesick ..grief stricken Susan...I even wanted my bedroom..in my home I grew up in...I wanted the family couch..breakfast table...black and white TV...I wanted to go back 'home'....it took a long time for that to wash away from me.....we are just so vulnerable...we are flesh and bone...and yes....you will feel hopeless and helpless at times....that is normal....just know you are not alone in this grief journey...and we are here to hear you. Hang on with both hands. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members SamDsmom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Sorry it's me again. I feel betrayed and helpless, hopeless. The P.I. has agreed to take the case. He wants to meet face to face which will happen March 14. He encouraged me to continue to research and bring as much documentation as possible as that will cut down his fee. I am scared of what else I will find. Not about my baby but about this case. I feel that he had been so disrespected. The lies just don't stop. His own father has lied over and over about things that happened before I got there. I understand grief and the fogginess, but these are deliberate lies that took thought and consideration. I did not ask a lot of questions because the police asked me to not interfere with the investigation. I assume at this point someone had gotten some money to keep some secrets. And the really pathetic part is that absolutely none of out has to do with my Sammy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Mermaid Tears Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Wade....that is a fine birdhouse...I am going to share with you and all on this site a poem/prayer that a friend of ours wrote...his name is Dennis...a sweet and sensitive man... Jesus handles everything,Instead of having a breakdown,Have a breakthrough.. God's got you covered..always..God will bless his people with peace.. All I want is to be at peace..At rest.. Under God's feathers..Under His wings.. In the name of Jesus..Gracious,Precious,Refreshing,Peace. Your birdhouse reminded me of this....it is in John David's collection now.I don't know if Dennis wrote this or copied it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jesse David & Taylor Mom Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 I'm asking for prayer. I just got off the phone with the forensics lab that did Sam's autopsy. I found out that the police lied to me about Sam's BAC. I have caught his dad in multiple lies now. I can't think and feel like I am going to explode. I know others have gone through similar things. I don't know how to do this. I want to crawl in a hole and not come out. What kind of motive???? I have theories but my head is too scrambled right now. Thanks for lettong me share Debbie Debbie, I really think it is too easy for law enforcement to blame the dead person...when I had gotten my phone call the sheriff told me immediately it was my son's fault. I knew they were lying and just didn't want to do the investigative work... Also, when my sister was ran over as a pedestrian in 2002, the first person who hit her ran away, and hide from the cops for two weeks, the driver was never charged turned herself in with an attorney, my sister was killed... So I don't have a lot of faith in cops who are often unskilled in investigative techniques or don't care because it isn't their family...that is what I have found... You will be in my prayers, this is a very difficult spot for you, I know... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members shorty16 Posted February 25, 2014 Members Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 DebbieThe truth will set us free.I pray that you feel our angels around you as you go further down the road.Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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