Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Jessica..Jessica's mom..Jessica's son....we all want you to know and those that have a knowing of the message of love...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Kate.

Kathy, I'm truly thinking of you and of Jessica tonight.

Dee, I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that news of the train crash. I'm very glad that the woman involved survived. I am very careful about what I surround myself with and I was recently watching a show that I thought would be safe. One of the main characters was involved in a crash that was very much the same as Trista's. It put me out of commission for days. I know you are farther along on your journey but I just wanted to say that I know how these things can be a punch to the gut.

I really and truly send my love to all... Even if I don't have the words... I am with all of you.

[ericasmom]

"And all your little things..."

Love the words to that song Shannon, thanks. The course you are taking sounds very cool, very interesting. Yes, that accident on the news is really one of so many train accidents that have occurred in and around the midwest. I don't get thrown like I used to but still, it feels brutal. There is a website called Kristen's law that is all about wrongful death due to railroads in Illinois. It was started a few years after ERi died so she is not named but so many others are. Railroad crossings need to be checked regularly.

And Wade, that you played American Pie...oh my goodness, I bought that record for Erz when she was young young and she played it on a small record player I bought her. She loved that song. Thanks.

Warm and sunny today Sherry, maybe for you tomorrow. Hope so anyhow.

The big thaw is begun and it could cause a ton of flooding. Hang on to your hats.

Ted, Erica and I love snow too. My Son did when he was snow-boarding regularly, but he would rather live where it is warm now.

Laurie, such warmth and deep sincere thoughts from that letter. Definitely something to cherish and take care of. He will never be forgotten Laurie.

[wgreenlee]

Jessica...Jessica...Jessica

 

You are loved and missed...we all say your name to let you know you will never be forgotten

 

 

Kathy,

 

No amount of words can make this go away, but you know our thoughts are with you and that your beautiful girl is remembered and honored.  Thank you for sharing her with us.

[Guest]

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[mikesmomrs]

JESSICA....JESSICA...JESSICA...saying your name in remembrance of your grace and beauty...you will always be held in the hearts of those who love you...  Kathy, Barry and Tavian...holding you close in thought and praying the memories you hold dear have helped to comfort you on this day.  The missing never ends, but the joy speaks louder as time passes.   

[Tbearw58]

I will say it also Jessica you are remembered and loved

[Guest]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Just briefly here...

 

I noticed that the girl Mary Anne mentioned the other day is again asking for prayer.

 

Desiree is back in the hospital with a septic infection and her newborn son had a pacemaker installed. Post is in the Loss of a Partner section.

[MissKylie]

Jessica ...Jessica... Jessica

 

Beautiful Jessica...

 

Kate..you are in our prayers...

[Mermaid Tears]

Some will recall when I posted that I was on the computer at 3 AM....and heard a 'whistle' behind me....

  Last Saturday..on the 15th...around 7 AM...once again...on the computer ..heard a 'whistle' from the living area or hallway area.....

  This morning...around 5:30 AM....heard a distinct 'whistle' from the living area...this time it was like the beginning of a 'little tune'....I can't replay it here....

  I was so startled...I 'froze' for a short time...and had to get up...and compose myself...

Has anyone had an experience like that...or have read about one ?

[lorismom]

Kathy ~ Thinking of you today and your beautiful Jessica. Hoping you find some peace and comfort in the wonderful memories you shared with your lovely daughter.

[Steve s mom]

Hi yes Desiree and baby jw need our prayers the baby is doing better if you can call getting a pacemaker better,but his mom d has been transferred to icu in sepsis ,I thought it didn't sound like they should have sent her home so soon,but she is back in the hospital icu.

[Mermaid Tears]

Well...I have tried to find others that have heard a 'whistle' from a deceased loved one....can't find anything.....but I know what I heard...

[Jeff's Mom]

Sending payers up for Desiree and her wee babe.

 

Susan, as far as the whistling is concerned I would imagine that if you are certain that it was real then it definitely was. Most likely your Sonshine giving you a little nod that he is not all that far away after all.

 

On Monday we celebrated a long weekend. We decided to go for a drive and hopefully take a walk. When we arrived at our destination we turned down a fairly remote dead end  road. There had been approximately four inches of snow that fell the previous night...but it was light and powder like. Approximately half way down the road we looked up to see a black pickup truck following closely behind us. Ross reached the end of the road and then turned. He misjudged the depth of the snow and slid into a ditch.

 

The truck stopped and two strapping young men about Jeff's age jumped out. They came over to push us out. When we thanked them they said that they were there to help us. I asked if they were going skiing or something else...again he said he was there to help. With that he got back into the truck and they drove away smiling and waving. Go figure. We stood there extremely grateful knowing that we could have been in a real pickle had they not shown up. For some reason the kid reminded me of Jeff.

 

I honestly believe that things happen for a reason. And so I believe your whistle was a form of a hug from your boy letting you know he is indeed ok.

[MissKylie]

Hi Susan, i tried to google and it says something about spirits. Maybe it's your boy letting you know, he's cool and okay.

 

Laurie, Thank you for sharing the letters with us. It's touching to know that Jesse is well-loved by people around him. He looks like a playful guy too in your profile picture. I love the line in your letter that our life here is a bleep of eternity. I hope I can imagine what it means.

 

 

Lora, i understand what you mean. You had an intuition. She'll always be your beautiful Cara.

 

 

Msmom Mary Ann, we pray for baby Jared and Desiree to be okay. Our heartfelt prayers.

 

 

     Today, at work, i wanted to cry outloud. Am missing my daughter. I woke up this morning screaming my daughter's name. Why this hurts, it tortures a lot like this life seems like eternity. I want to be with my baby Kylie. I feel like I'm not being a good mother to my 6 months old son. As my heart still long for Kylie. I wanted to die. And let my husband just take care of my baby. I wish he can live with that. I just can't bear a life without Kylie.. It's been 50 days...I can't believe am living this life without my daughter!

 

   I wanted to run away and be with the place where I can find my Kylie.

 

   I asked more workload from my boss today. And I can sense they'll make me a candidate for promotion. Before, I feel like I'm in cloud nine whenever promotion is coming up. But this time it's different. It hurts more. There's no point in becoming successful when the person I'd like to share my success with is no longer with me. When Kylie was still alive, I picture myself as a manager talking with our executives. And with my daughter entertaining our high ranking execs. Kylie speaks good English which is not always the case for all children here in our country. She's gifted with good communications skills at young age and she didn't even studied before she turned 5. And she died at 5 years old.

 

I still need Kylie. I don't want to be out of this misery. I just wanted to die and be with my daughter again. It must be satisfying to finally feel that happiness again. I want Kylie to visit me in my dreams everyday.

 

Is there anyone here being visited in their dreams everyday? Maybe you can share how do you do that?

 

Thanks for letting me vent out.

 

Love and prayers for everyone.

[Steve s mom]

Miss Kylie,

My son has visited me In dreams several times but not daily.

Once in one of those visits he told me to stop crying so much,like that somehow made him sad.he also told me he was busy,and couldn't visit all the time.

I guess that seems strange.someone once said if our dead loved ones could visit us in our dreams every night ,we would never want to wake up ?

[Mermaid Tears]

Prayers for that very sick Mama....and that sweet baby...I am praying for their family, too...we know what it is like to have double critical issues at the same time....so hard.

 

Kylie's Mom....many will relate....many just wanted to jump in a black hole...and I think that is NORMAL...you are just putting your feet on the grief path...and the tears simply flow...your heart is shattered...please 'self care'....some on this site have small children to care for....and it is quite a pull on the heart strings to 'give attention and love while mourning'....do be gentle with yourself...I will relate my visitation dream from John David later....

 

Kate...the first time I heard the whistle...it sounded like it was here in my office..right behind me....

when I heard the whistle on Saturday morning..(15)...it sounded like it came from my living area or hall way area....now...I 'wasn't sure' I heard what I thought I heard.....the TV was not on...that was one of those...'did I hear that?"....

   Now....this morning....the whistle came from the same area...and this time it sounded like someone was whistling the beginning of a tune....and this time...I know I heard it....it scared the bejeezus out of me....my heart started pounding...I froze...finally got up to look around...I had to 'settle myself' down....

  I tried looking up Whistling from deceased loved ones on the internet...could not find any related story...

 

I will say....those big boys were at the right place at the right time....do you think they saw ya'll go down that road and they knew you would not be able to make it through and knew you would need some help ? Whatever....someone was right where they needed to be....am so glad you did not have a serious accident...

 

Lora...after Daniel's open heart surgery....we had to make an excel sheet to keep up with all the paper work...it was so confusing and a KZillion figures...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate...the first time I heard the whistle...it sounded like it was here in my office..right behind me....

when I heard the whistle on Saturday morning..(15)...it sounded like it came from my living area or hall way area....now...I 'wasn't sure' I heard what I thought I heard.....the TV was not on...that was one of those...'did I hear that?"....

   Now....this morning....the whistle came from the same area...and this time it sounded like someone was whistling the beginning of a tune....and this time...I know I heard it....it scared the bejeezus out of me....my heart started pounding...I froze...finally got up to look around...I had to 'settle myself' down....

  I tried looking up Whistling from deceased loved ones on the internet...could not find any related story...

You might find something from this website:

http://www.adcrf.org/

It is the companion web site from the authors of Hello from Heaven.

 

Maryann, those dreams are so much a comfort when they occur...

[shorty16]

Kylie's mom

Yes, in the beginning we cannot imagine living another moment without our child. Then, we wake up the next day and continue to feel that way.

As time goes on, the searing pain will lessen. I used to reply to this previous sentence "How can that even happen? Will my son, Brian come back, because that is the only thing that will help me."

Each day I woke up, I functioned like a robot until a tiny bit of light showed in the form of "I actually went a whole minute without thinking about Brian's death". The tiny bit of light grew longer as the months and years went by.

This journey never ends, it just changes over time.

Please be kind to yourself.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Steve s mom]

Mermaid tears ,I just thought of this it was a whistle like someone whistling? When my dad died long ago my sister swore she heard him whistling ...he was the type who whistled all the time .also we smelled pipe tobacco sometimes too he smoked a pipe ,I did smell that .

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, just listened to the song you posted the other night...it is very sweet, like Trista...

 

I cannot help but think of the song Lora posted that Cara loved so much..."If I die young.."

 

Poem for Grieving Dad's

 

MY DADDY’S GRIEF

 

If you ask my Dad how he feels...
He’ll probably be as quiet as the midnight air
Because of this horrible pain he tries to bear

 

And If you ask him and he just quietly sighs
Look harder, you’ll see the pain in his eyes
Even if he does happen to tell you he’s coping
Then that just surely means…….He is hoping?

 

If he happens to mutter out, I’m surviving today
Oh then trust me, you know he is really not Ok
He has been so very quiet since that awful day
It’s just so hard for him to find the words to say

 

He really thinks he has to be stronger than steel
But he is just very fragile, suffering this ordeal
He feels like he has to hide away all those tears
Just suck it all in, and show no one of his fears

 

I’m his child in heaven, and he’s hurting oh so bad
He gets up and goes every day, even though he’s sad
He watches my mommy cry and holds her oh so tight
He always tears up, but holds back with all of his might

 

If you ask, how are you today, and he says oh I’m just fine
He’s really not; he needs a hug, that’s definitely a sure sign
His heart is burdened with such terrible doubts often everyday
Please let him know, he didn’t let me down or fail in any way

 

I know he loves me very much and he thinks of me each day
But his poor heart is so broken, so please help him find a way
To find peace, comfort and a voice to shed his grief and pain
For without it, he cannot start to heal and lighten grief’s stain

 

Also tell him its ok to lose it, break down and shed those tears
Cause it takes more strength to cry, then to hold back the fears
I love you daddy, I’m always here with you, we’re never far apart
So for me, could you begin to heal and open back up your heart.

 

In Loving Memory of my Angel Boy, Matthew Hunter Vinson
Author JP Vinson
Written February 7, 2013

[Mermaid Tears]

Steve's mom...thanks for sharing that info....I have been in a 'strange cloud of thought' all day....

 

Laurie...thanks for sharing that website....

also....

that is one of the best 'Dad's grief' poems ever....I am going to copy it...

how is Christina and Thomas ....so many grief hurdles to jump over in a family....

everyone is unique...and will grieve a different way...and at different times...

Shannon...for sure...that is a true 'Trista' song...I saw a girl at the park where I walked today....wispy blonde hair...tiny...big smile...laughing eyes....she was with some friends....they were laughing and swinging....of course...I thought...'that looks like a Trista kind of girl...even swinging'......I remember the photos of her you posted in swings...

 

Dee...it was 78 today...I thought of you as I walked...with all the snow....you trek on....brave girl.

 

 

[summergirl]

Hello dear friends - thank you for saying Jessica's name out loud and for remembering her in your own way - made my heart smile.   Kylie's mom - How well I remember the feeling of just wanting to be with my Jessica, how could I possibly live without her, the tears non-stop, the breathing hard to do and I had her son Tavian - just 4 years old, I was his grandmother how was I possibly going to take care of him and his grief when I my mind and heart were in shock, longing to just "go be with my Jessica" - I do not know how I did it those first days and am thankful now for wonderful friends who were there. But as time went on the friends go back to their normal and I found myself "alone" with this overwhelming grief, struggling each minute of each hour just to breathe.  Every situation is different - I focused all of my attention on Tavian, we started court proceedings in March for full custody and it took just over a year to get....I remember crying so hard the day we were granted full custody - Tavian was safe with us - then all of the sudden there was nothing to focus my attention on, nothing to fight for and I found myself grieving like I had not been able to do, I was falling apart and I could see what it was doing to my husband and Tavian - I finally went to therapy and it helped but until I found BI I never really began to heal - being with others who felt the same way, walked the same path, hurt the way I hurt, who had the wisdom and words to keep me going forward. I know how hard it is to try to be there for your baby but he needs you too just as Tavian needed me and I promise you will find a way, you will take 3 steps forward and 5 steps back but the day will come  when you will think of your Kylie with a smile instead of a tear...it takes a long time but you are moving forward even though it does not seem like it....My heart hurts for you...Hugs to you and may you find a bit of peace...

I have only had 2 dreams of my Jessica in 8 years but I am ok with that - they were vivid and so real and I am thankful as I found peace from them. I have had many signs from Jessica and although there are those who "wonder" I do not have too, I believe and that is what matters

Tavian is not feeling well tonight and I hate that - I worry so much about him but that goes without saying - when you have lost a child your fears for your other children or grandchildren is 10 times more that it should be - but that is my reality. Whenever he goes somewhere with someone I stress, thinking of all the possible things that could happen to him - I do not let him see my fear as I want him to grow up strong and not be afraid to live life to the fullest.  So I will keep checking on him and pretend I am ok...

I am tired tonight with many thoughts of Jessica on my mind.....

Love, peace and hugs to all...Jessica's mom always 

Tavian, Ocean and Damien having some fun in the snow on Monday.....  

[Jeff's Mom]

Don't know where I would be without my BI friends on this site. People that can relate.

 

We had some good news this evening. Our son had a colonoscopy this afternoon at the strong recommendation of Ross's oncologist. It was determined last summer his cancer is genetic...through his Mom... and so today they did find something in our son. But it is at the beginning. Thank God! He has two young girls and a whole life ahead. Who says that they are not making progress in cancer research?  This one test has most probably saved a young man from developing cancer.

 

Off to watch the Olympic hockey game. Thinking of everyone tonight. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Tavian is not feeling well tonight and I hate that - I worry so much about him but that goes without saying - when you have lost a child your fears for your other children or grandchildren is 10 times more that it should be - but that is my reality. Whenever he goes somewhere with someone I stress, thinking of all the possible things that could happen to him - I do not let him see my fear as I want him to grow up strong and not be afraid to live life to the fullest.  So I will keep checking on him and pretend I am ok...(Jessica's Mom)

 

 

So many will relate with your posting....for I, too, can dwell on what 'can happen'...it is crippling in so many respects....

   for now...I have the fear....'what can...could..happen'.....because it happened....and there is simply no magic circle I can create for them.....it is so scarey....but...what can I do ? I simply have to go forward....

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate....thank you for sharing 'good news'.....

for on this site....'we can always use a little bit of good news'....

[mikesmomrs]

Have not been on in a while but have been reading.  I have to take Lucy out now, but wanted to quickly reply to Kate...first, such GREAT news...so happy for you and your son and Ross..  I know it must have been weighing heavily on your mind.  Second, your story about the two young being on the road  "there to help"...didn't you have a similar experience of running into a young girl who was with a  young man, around the area of Jeff's site back in summer or fall?  If I remember right, it also was an experience of they were "just there" but I don't remember if they helped or anything...but it was just not normal that they were there, in that specific place.  Oh, yes, your Jeff surrounds you...always. 

 

Susan... the whistling...of course, he is standing there by you, always.

 

The signs we see from our children are true gifts.  But, even without them, we know they are with us, always and ever, and that we will meet them again, just beyond the veil. 

 

took some beautiful pictures of the snowfall we've had over the last few days.  I will post a couple later, though you all are likely not caring much about seeing pics of "snow!"  

 

Lucy's pacing...love to all...always in my prayers.  So sorry for all those who are new...but you have found a good place, a comforting group of people, a "soft place to land."

 

[Mermaid Tears]

Carol....I took 3 of my 4 Golden Girls and a friend out for lunch on Valentines...there were Valentine decorations at the restaurant...some had the 'double hearts' ...and I thought of you...

 

One of my Golden Girls did not go for she had got the news that her Mother died....now....she is 74....her Mother was 94....and as always...'everyone' has a story....when she was 8 years old...she..her sister who was 7...and her two brothers were taken away from her parents...(I only 'listen'...when someone is sharing a story with me...I ask very few questions...for some of the stories are deep and painful...so I do not have the age of her brothers)....

  She and her sister were both adopted...by a very loving family.....she had a good life....she married and had 2 boys...

when she was in her '60's'...one of her brothers found her and her sister...and then later...they..(all the children) were reunited with her Mother....

   she related how much that meant to her...and how she and her Mother would write letters to each other..every week...and they became very close...her grief was so deep....the service was in Houston....when she returned...I took flowers and a card and also the 'reading'...'Death is nothing at all'....(but I send that in all my Sympathy cards...I have done that every since my Mother died in '95)....it brings such a balm to my heart....

   We never get too old to grieve...

[Mermaid Tears]

Jessica's Mom....have been wanting to share a story with you....when you were angry that Tavian's Dad did not even say 'Happy Birthday'.....

there is a song by Garth Brooks...'Unanswered Prayers'.....maybe you are being awarded when the Dad does not come through...

I know many couples in Brenham that are grandparents raising their grandchildren...'some' have contact with the child/childrens parent/parents......in just a very few....is it positive....

   One of my tenants...I will call her B....really has a sad story....her daughter gave birth to a baby girl....the 'Daddy' turned his back when she was pregnant....so when she gave birth...B and her husband supported their daughter and granddaughter...the Daddy and his parents never even gave a diaper or a penny.....B's daughter had always had migraines...she went to the Dr. many times for they were getting worse...then they found out she had a terminal brain tumor...she died when the granddaughter was 3 years old.....B and her husband sold their home and they moved to my apartments...right after that B's husband became very, very ill....he was put into Asst. Living...then.....the Daddy filed for custody of the granddaughter.....B used up all their savings..(it wasn't much)....to hire a lawyer...(finally her family helped out financially for legal matters).....then....her husband died......then....they went to court....the Daddy had a great job...had married...they bought and had a nice home...and he got custody of the granddaughter....

    In our small town.....we knew.....the Daddy didn't really want her....it was his Mother....who wouldn't want a beautiful, blonde blue eyed little 3 year old girl.....? That is the law....it didn't matter that he had never even given a penny for her support in those 3 years...that B and her husband had raised and supported that child....B does have visitation....and I wish you could see how she had decorated her bedroom....and all she does to keep the memory of her daughter 'alive' for that granddaughter.....now...B is not doing well health wise.....there has been too much grief and loss her her life....and I can see first hand the ravages of continuing mourning....

    You are blessed in that you do have full custody....and Tavian is safe and will continue to grow with your love and support around him....for we all know Jessica is smiling that you have him in your home, heart and arms.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Kate that is great news...I am so glad for this...I know there has been so many heavy burdens on your heart. I enjoyed reading the story of the unexpected help...

 

Carol, it is good to see your post...thanks for sharing the pic of the ice heart on the twig...

 

"The signs we see from our children are true gifts. But, even without them, we know they are with us, always and ever, and that we will meet them again, just beyond the veil."

 

I agree...

 

Susan, the story of the dad...and unanswered prayer...that is the reason we never looked for any one with my youngest son (adopted from my sister), so for Jessica's mom, yes, it is so critical to have that full custody...otherwise the kids are just tossed around...and you are doing a  great job with raising Tavian...

 

Also Susan, so sad for that woman...B...

 

********************

Talked to Colleen for a little while last night...she was able to answer some questions in regard to the court trial process here in Wisconsin...so thank you..

 

Debbie, how are things going with your case...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MissKylie]

    Thank you for sharing Susan. As we grieve there are other people who hurts more than us. It's not that we want them to be but we wish none of the things that can hurt us deeply should exist. I wish that B will get well soon and recover and may she blessed with more friends to help her.

   

   My Mom took care of my daughter Kylie more than I did. She love Kylie so much and she showed it to her in the best way she can. I'm happy for you Jessica's mom as you are strong in facing all these, Jessica, Tavian and the custody. I wish I also have the strength that you have. The love of a grandmother to the grandchild is much more than the love they'd give to their children. That is from my experience. Mama loves Kylie more than me..I don't have any complain and I'm just grateful.

 

   The loss hurts a lot. My husband said he cannot breathe everytime he think of Kylie's loss. Why Kylie? She's the first grandchild and she's so much  well loved.

 

   There was a time when Kylie would take all my papers and scribble drawings and colors on it. I only have like 20 pieces of bond paper and she finished them all. So I pretend to be mad, and her uncle, my brother visited our house and then rushed to the bookstore to buy her 1 ream of bond paper. Just to make her happy. So whatever Kylie wants, Kylie gets. Kylie don't really push what she wants, it's just that we easily give in to her wishes.

 

   So it makes me wonder if she really also wanted to leave us this way. Soul shattered...She's our sunshine. Today I posted in my facebook account, her drawings that says , "I love Mommy, I love you so so much..." And this made me cry again.

 

   I don't know when would this grieving stop and I don't think I'd choose to stop either. My love for her is so huge so as this grief. Sometimes, I'd pretend am also counting the days to leave the earth so none of these can be felt again.I tell my husband that I feel like soon I will follow Kylie. I don't want to hurt him. Am trying to heal myself. Wherever Kylie is, there is no more sorrow and pain...All just light and happiness specially being with Kylie again...

 

   Thank you for letting me share..And agree with you Carol that this site with you all , this is a soft place to land...

 

   Thanks all- Kylie's mom~ Cherry

    

 

[ericasmom]

Kylie's Momma, I get that it might feel good to just leave, to be out of this horrible pain, but you will be leaving more pain in your wake...your little boy would then never know his Momma nor his Sister, too much loss and how well will he be brought up with such sad people trying to raise him? I know that your Little Guy has sadness all around him right now, but gee, your leaving would make it that much worse and I can not speak for your Girl, but I bet she would beg you to stay here, to only leave when it is your time. We don't get to know why it was this way for Kylie, for Erica nor any of the others, we only know that we don't get to know or comprehend that until we are with them again. The work now is HOW, how do we find our steps? How do we raise our Boy when we are so sad? How do we find a life within the ashes of loss? Those answers take time to find, and we only find them through life, this life. I am so sorry for this terrible loss Cherry, all the broken pieces of your hearts will one day begin to fit themselves in like a puzzle, the scar tissue will make seams and will hold space for all of the goodness she brought to your lives. That is down the road and right now, crying and questioning are the most normal thing in this abnormal situation.

[ericasmom]

Carol, those heart shaped Boys of yours, loving you everywhere you are.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends - Mermaid Tears - thank you for sharing the story of "B" and all that she went through trying to hold on to her granddaughter, it brought tears to my eyes when I think of the pain she endures each day.  I know the song by Garth Brooks and thank you for reminding me of it, there are times on this journey when you don't realize just how many people are raising their grandchild(ren) for what ever reason. I am thankful that Tavian's father has not gotten in touch with him and I pray every day that he has no thoughts of taking us back to court for custody. We were blessed in many ways for without the love of so many we would not have been able to pay the money we did for a lawyer, it was just over 42 thousand but I would have paid what ever it took. The father really was not the one who wanted custody it was his mother as she was afraid I would not let her see him if we got custody...so a fight was fought, much money spent that was so unnecessary - it was I in the end who had had enough and called the dad, told him I was tired, tired of going to court, tired of adjournments and he knew he would not win (he had recently been arrested) and that it was time to end it - he agreed, we met for 2 hours and he signed over full-custody. My worry now is that if something should happen to my husband and I then Tavian would go to him so we are contacting a lawyer to see if we can change that - I plan on being around long enough to see him grown but should something happen I want him with people he knows, loves and is comfortable with.

Cherry - yes I was strong when we fought for custody but I had to be, I could never let my Jessica down knowing she wanted us to raise Tavian, she didn't have the time to put it in writing through a lawyer and maybe knowing it is what she wanted was what made me strong, also looking at my grandson every day I knew I could never let him down.  We all grieve differently yet the same...as Dee said if you left this world before your time think of the heartbreak it would cause to all who love you and need you...yes, at this time you do not really care and I get that, I get the pain, the missing so much you cannot breathe, the just wanting time to stand still, wanting to just hide from the world and do nothing but be with your Kylie...I promise you that you will heal, your heart will mend although a piece of it will forever be missing, each day you survive is one day closer to the day when you will smile again, it will get softer, I cannot tell you when but I promise it will....I keep you in my prayers and send you hugs..

Hugs, love and peace to all...Jessica's mom always, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kate, I adore the story of the two men 'who were just there' and I so got the same feeling as Carol about those two people, a man and woman, who were also 'just there'. I do feel your Son was making sure of you Both with those visits. The feeling has warmed me inside and out. Thanks. Great news about your Son having that early check.

 

Susan, I love  B and how hard she worked to keep everyone happy, and I am sad for her losing custody. I hope that the dad will see what a gem, what a treasure his daughter really is and love her as a daddy should. Oh, I can't remember if i commented on the whistling...sure sounds like a loving spirit to me. Someone wants you to know that he is around-or she in case that could be Grandma.

Love those signs, the kinds where most folks would look at you sideways and make their apologies as they rush off. I have always loved the signs from beyond and I think that our Loved Ones are pretty active signers.

[Mermaid Tears]

Ok....I just related the 'whistle' and the times I heard it to Randa....my daughter.( I am sure many of you don't relate stuff to others for we don't want to sound as if we are going looney tunes)...and told her that the other morning it scared the 'beejeezus' out of me....

  and you know what she said.....

'Mom...I know that John David is laughing about it all'....

....and I thought....

'why didn't I think of that?'

I guess I just take myself...and all things too seriously....and forget about the humor our family has shared...(even a little twisted sometimes)....but if anyone knows me....my children certainly do....

 

Dee....the Daddy is a 'good guy'....he has never been 'in trouble'....a solid 'young citizen'....the bitter sweet pill to swallow...is that he simply had no contact at all from the time that baby girl was born....til after her Mom died....now...he and his family do have a good track record in our small town....and the baby girl is faring well.....I do believe the balance of love is there on both sides...and I think she has the best of two worlds....what child can have too much love ?

[wgreenlee]

So busy I haven't stopped in this week.  Just want to affirm my support and love to all.

 

Here is something I found, since there have been some comments on it lately.  I'll post the link, but here's a few that stand out.

 

Knowing what to say to those in grief may not help them feel better. However, your words and actions just might make a positive difference in their lives. Saying the right things might help you feel better, too.

Certain words and phrases should be avoided when expressing sympathy for those in grief.

Do not say anything that implies limits on the duration or intensity of grief. Grief is its own phenomenon, unique for each experiencer: it is messy, it happens in its own time and space, it can be mild as two weeks of sadness or as intense as an eternity of suffering. Grief can last for a lifetime, and that is okay. For who can speak for another's loss and say just how it should be experienced?

Avoid catch phrases such as, "Time heals all." First of all, such phrases sound contrived. Second, they are often untrue: for example, time does not necessarily heal grief. The bereaved have every right to grieve as long as necessary without having the trip laid on them of "getting over it."

Never say to the bereaved, "I know how you feel." You may think you know how they feel, because you too may have lost a beloved family member or friend, but actually, that was your experience of grief, not theirs. Each person grieves in his or her own way. Keep the conversation focused on their loss, not yours.

I have heard people say to those in deep grief that the death of a loved one "...is God's will." Just about nothing can upset a person in grief more than these words. When we lose those most precious to us, we may wonder why God could possibly allow their deaths.

The idea that God would "take" someone to satisfy a whim is abominable. Whether or not you and/or the bereaved individual are religious, leave the topic of God out of expression of sympathy, unless the bereaved person brings it up; in that case, you are on your own.

"You are doing so well" is another phrase to avoid. Do you live in that person's head or heart? For all you know he or she may look okay but be contemplating suicide. Do not add expectations of "doing well" to those already so burdened with loss that they themselves may be feeling like death. Don't push your expectations on them; simply allow them their grief.

Do not say, "Be brave" or "Be strong." Who cares about bravery when faced with such essential questions as, "my child is dead. Should I live or die?"

 

and then this thought...

 

And if no words come out at all - just squeaks, perhaps - a hug or handshake can work wonders.

 

This has been my focus with Eli's family...and I feel blessed by them in turn.  Dropped off a card of money for them tonight, and Rose had spareribs in the oven and wanted me to stay, but I hadn't been home yet so I declined...still smelling those ribs...should have stayed.

 

Love to all and prayers for you.  Please continue to pray for Tiffani.

[Mermaid Tears]

Yes Wade...I so agree with every word....and what really hit me in the wrong way...between the eyes...below the belt...was what 'Pastors..Clergy...Priest' will say....they should read what you just wrote....for it is so true....

unless you have walked in their shoes....do not try to tell them how to walk the journey....

[Guest]

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[shorty16]

Lora,

I agree, we need to teach people how to treat us.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

 Don't push your expectations on them; simply allow them their grief.

Wade, what stood out to me is the above statement...

...I  had one well meaning person tell me that this may be a "witnessing" opportunity ...meanwhile they have all 6 adult children they were going home to for supper...

 

what people think of...

Have and will continue to pray for these families you are involved with.....please take care of yourself too...I take the powdered vitamins from Walmart Emergenc C and others...throw them in a bottle of water and you at least get something...

My husband came home sick again today...he has been sick a lot this year..before this he probably missed two days in five years...

 

********************************************

 

Lora, pictured in my mind the irises you planted...are they the purple colored ones?

 

Colleen, thanks again for your help...and for listening...

 

Susan, I agree with Dee, I love to hear about other peoples signs...

[wgreenlee]

Lora...

They sure are.  Rose told me today that yesterday was good, but today wasn't so hot.  When I asked her if I could drop off the card, she said as long as I didn't mind if she was still in her pjs.  We've heard that before...  Bless her heart!

 

Sometimes when I talk about Brooks I still can't say he's "dead"... but only gone.  I still have a hard time referring to his site as a "grave."  Cried last night with one of those "shoulder hunching" cries.  I found myself not remembering certain things about him, and that really upset me.  Had to go and look at pictures and clothes...trying to find that special smell...special moment.  What will it be like in a year...or two...or ten.  I know that many of you longer in this journey still have these amazing memories...but what if I can't remember?  So hard to think of that long...I don't want to think of that long...

[Sholl1955]

Hello all,

Just stopping by for a moment to wish all a restful night.  Today was a long day.  Took my hubby back to the doctor as he continues to have severe pain .  No improvement with steroids.   The doctor ordered an MRI, but insurance refused it and have to do a review before approving it.  Sure wish some of the people making these decisions would experience even  a few minutes of the pain and maybe things would change.   He has also been referred to a specialist but cannot get in to him until April 15th.   Ugh!    I did find a little dog from our Animal control that needed a home and decided to get her with the hope that she will win him over and give him something to care for ,love and focus on.  I brought her home today.  She is a little Beagle and very sweet.   He has not responded to her today, but I am still hoping that she will help bring him back.  He is so despondent.   I am just not ready to lose more of the man I love.      The girls were here tonight and as always they can brighten any day.   Sweet Maddie told me she thought that Gabby (the dog) was going to be good for her grandpa.   Such an amazing heart for a 7 year old.   Her mama would be proud of her.   Well, I am going to try to get some rest.   Love and prayers to all.

 

Sandy

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....I was relating to my daughter how the parents visit the resting place of their children...and that you were in waist high snow....

  Keep us informed about the iris and grass...I am thinking the iris will make it but the grass may not....but then again..look at Wyoming...all that snow...and then the grasses all come back....on the prairies....

yes...we get by minute by minute....then hour by hour....then day by day.....for my grief journey....I am still traveling at going at the speed of day by day.....and that is as good as it is going to be for now.....

 

Wade....don't worry about the 'memory functioning' now......

For me.....I am thinking it was a 'survival' mode...for if every memory could come back at once....I would have really 'gone down'....

as it is....I can remember certain memories if something...'a smell....a phrase....as  song....card...letter...photo' opens up a 'portal' in my memory bank....it then it comes back very vivid and clear in color and detail.....

    I think you have had so much 'pain and sadness and issues' coming at you from different places....you are simply in a survival phase.....

  if you notice....I cannot say the words...'dead...grave...death'....I use the words...'passed...loss....resting place'.....it is simply a gentle word or words for me....so many will relate to that....and we are not in denial....we are being kind to ourselves and others....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I use the words...'passed...loss....resting place'.....it is simply a gentle word or words for me....so many will relate to that....and we are not in denial....we are being kind to ourselves and others....

I agree...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...you taking care of that baby boy..? How is Thomas and Christina doing ? You do need to keep an 'eye' on your husband....remember the story of my husband....just another point in how men/women.....Dad/Mom....grieve in different ways...and place and time....

  I am so thankful I have this site to express myself...reach out...be touched...lifted up....question the questions...and find out others have no answers either....

what a crew we are....and what vagabonds we become on this grief journey....setting out with no compass or map....just wandering along....

  I so like what Lora said about the salty ocean....like the salty tears we cry for our children...so vast....

 

Colleen....do you have an update on Becky ?

 

Sandy...I do hope you can find 'someone' who can help with your husbands pain....some relief in some way....it just hurts to see someone else hurt....

I do hope the new dog will bring some sunshine into your husbands heart.....

I had a beagle...years and years ago....when my children were young..very young...his name was Banjo....no matter 'how' we fixed the fence....he could dig out....I finally had to give him to a friend that lived in the country....no fences...and he could run and roam....and he became their favorite dog....a win/win...

[Mermaid Tears]

 

 

Gretchen....you posted that you were taking a course in Mindfulness...

 

thought I would post this....I used a poem you posted in John David's Memorial 'the scattering and blessing' of his ashes...

I re-read this poem many times....

and many times a day....the phrase...'mindful of you' comes flitting across my thoughts...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Thanks Susan for sharing that poem...it is a very windy snowy day here...I think what has bothered me a lot is not being able to go up to Jesse's site because of it...I have to shovel a pathway in...Thomas and Christina are doing better...Benton, Thomas' baby is finally sleeping here...

 

Sandy, sending prayers for your husband...