Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

SARAH - SARAH - SARAH -----

 

You are loved beyond measure each and every day, just as it has been since the day you were born. This date will always be a sad one for your Momma and Pops and Sister, and for those two lovely little Daughters of yours. May you find ways to whisper in your Momma's ear, and give gentle hugs to all those who love you and think of you each day.

 

 

Sandy, I know how very sad this day must be for you, reliving it all and feeling the weight of time. I am holding your hand and your heart as you find your way through it. Prayers.

[ericasmom]

Mathieu's Mom, I welcome you to this place even though I so wish you never had to find a place to share such a deep loss. Your Boy is just weeks older than my Erica, who died in 2003. Born in 1984, April. She too, would be turning 30. Laurie's Son is also a 1984 Child. A fine year I would say.I know that your Boy's birthday holds that deep bittersweet as it does for many of us here. Loving the date that is 'theirs' but sad that they are not physically here with us.

I am so sorry that you lost your Boy, please come and tell us about his life, and your lives when you can. We are here. Remember to take very good care of yourself, just as your Child would want for you.

 

NJ, you have come to us today as well.  We have had several new parents this week alone, and so to you and to All, we welcome you to this place. NJ, please tell us more about your Son and his life. It is part of what helps our deep sadness here, speaking about our Children, sharing our stories. Yes, you are holding yourselves up but how does one continue to go about doing so? There is nothing easy about it, it is a process and one that takes time to adapt to. Adapting does not mean giving in or accepting this loss, it simply means finding ways to live in this new iteration of life. For many, life feels as Laurie so eloquently described earlier today, that it is gray and holds so little joy or focus anymore. This will evolve and change over time, but for those first months and maybe first years, it is a slow process.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I wanted to stop in... I had a few minutes to read and saw my name. Thank you. It brought tears (happens a lot these days) to see I was thought of by my friends here and wanted to let you all know I'm here. I have a lot of catching up to do. Susan, I'm sorry I missed John David's birthday. I hope you felt love all through that day. Sandy, I'm thinking of you tonight and sending hugs. I'm sitting in a hotel room with my boys and Gramma. It's the weekend of the Spirit workshop I had mentioned before. Tonight was good... Really interesting and I learned some new meditation techniques. Tomorrow is an all day workshop. I have no idea what to expect. Never done anything like this before. I've been in a tough place... Lots of family 'stuff'. I started a face to face support group to help me deal with that. I'm still doing my Natural and Holistic Health class and thinking of taking another after this. I'm just trying to keep busy... To fill my life with as much positive and uplifting stuff as possible. At the end of the day (and all day long) I just want my Girl back. But that's not an option so I'm doing my best to make her proud. I'm expecting to have more time next week to catch up. I miss my friends here. To all the new people here... I'm so sorry... Sorry for the loss of your precious child and and that you need to be here but I'm glad you found this place. It truly is a safe place full of compassion and understanding. I'm typing on my iPad and I'm no good at it so I will try to catch up after I get home on Sunday.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....yes...we think of you....

I hope the seminar will be a positive learning experience...

there are so many 'things unseen'....that we can learn of...am glad your Grammy is with you...I spent John David's Birthday just trying to be calm and quiet...'Under His Feathers'.....

 

 

SANDY.....thinking of you....and I so agree that year two is a hard climb on this grief journey...we know you miss your Sarah...we know your heart is breaking.....hold your two GRANDdaughters close...we know Sarah is close to her loved ones...of course, she is.

[Mermaid Tears]

NJ....we are so sorry for your loss....John Ross.....I love that name....my son is John David.....here in the South....we have a love of double names....but also we have a few 'family' names...that we use over and over...and we have to put names together for we can have 'four Johns' or 'four Roberts'....so  we have to make a difference of who we are talking to...so...we have many double names in just one family...it can be confusing to an outsider....for we know who 'John Robert' is....and then we know who 'Robert John' is....I remember a friend of mine told me 'we must get some new names in the family'....

 

You say you and your husband are holding on to each other...and holding up minute to minute....yes....it is like that...the grief journey is a hard path to walk....

but I am glad you have each other....please tell us about your SONshine boy....if you can....please read our older posts...you may find a word or words that will give you a tiny bit of comfort.....but more....it will allow you to learn that you are not alone...I am on this site for I do not have a circle of friends around me that have lost a child...here...I am understood...and when my human boat was going down...down...down.....hands and hearts reached out to me....to help me come up for air....grief is very physical....and it was even hard to breathe some days...I need people that have this crushing grief.....for there is nothing in this life that can prepare you....for this kind of mourning....I still just go day by day....we are here to hear you.

[ericasmom]

Good Afternoon All, doing homework and errands today, report cards are due next Friday!!!YIKES that requires a lot of sitting time.

I went for a walk under blue skies and 40 degrees, nice to be out among the busy birds and families walking dogs.

Here is a poem to share since we have so many new to this site, letting you know that we indeed get it.

(Shannon, good to see you and to know you are doing this new thing with your beloved Sons and Grammy)

 

 

Hand me downs

 

At first,

our grief wears us,

We are attached like a blanket dragging behind a child,

we bump and tumble behind the wake of it all,

getting battered and bruised beyond recognition-

dirty and scarred-

We are an accessory to the whole idea of LOSS,

 

Somehow we don’t even know how the calendar pages turn-

But they do.

 

After a while when the shock begins to dissipate,

We wear our grief

 

Like hand-me-downs that never quite fit right,

Too long, too short, too heavy, way too heavy-

And uncomfortable,

We did not ask to wear these only-for-other-people-clothes

The idea of them is too much to comprehend-

How am I this person without that person?

Who am I now?

[Mermaid Tears]

Applause Dee....a great analogy using hand me down clothes....that don't fit....with the way we wear our mourning...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Sarah - Sarah - Sarah

 

Thinking of you this angelversary...

 

 

(image used courtesy of https://www.facebook.com/pages/In-Loving-Memory-of-Shannon-sheshe-Heeter/172688962833104)

[ericasmom]

Thanks Susan, how are you today?

Kate, how are you doing? Is the weather warming up some?

Sherry, a nice day today, about 40 degrees.  It is  dry here. How is everyone doing in your family?

[Sholl1955]

Thank you for the kind rememberences of Sarah.  

Sandy

[Tbearw58]

Hello everyone I hope you are all taking care of your selves and finding some comfort in your grief, I know we are never going to be the same but also hope we can live some form of life that is good, Our children would want us to. Today I gave back to my comunity I help train new little league umpires. They are a good group of young boys and girls this year and should do well. This something that Nick and I did together many times umpiring with him were great times as father and son working together. Like you have heard me before Nick is my best friend and my son. I miss him with every breath I take.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, thank you for the note about Jesse...yes he is a 1984 baby...he was the smallest baby in the nursery...I know your Erica Eileen's birthday is coming soon...I thought I had read 4/14?

 

Shannon, it was good to see your post...please let us know what you learn when you can...

 

Ted, this is a huge time for you and your wife to get through...take good care of yourself...

 

Wade, are you doing okay?

 

Susan, how are things your way?

 

************************************************

 

Thought I would post this article..

Do You Believe in Angels?

In this excerpt from Angels on the Night Shift, a physician with more than 25 years of experience shares a heavenly experience.

By Dr. Robert D. Lesslie

http://www.guideposts.org/inspiration/angels-on-earth/heavenly-angels/do-you-believe-in-angels?int_source=front_page&int_medium=HPBlocks&int_campaign=DoYouBelieveinAngels

[wgreenlee]

Hey, buddyMissing you tonight so much.  Mikey had his prom tonight.  Shauna posted some great pictures.  His truck...your truck...was all cleaned up...he was so stoked.  He had on a hat just like you...he misses you too.  Had a good time reading with you today...nice...peaceful...warm.  Lindsey called me and wants a DNA sample to see if her son is yours.  I remember you had dated her a while ago.  She's having a custody battle and her ex-husband was arrested for domestic battery and she's afraid for her boy, and she's just hoping that he's your boy too...said he looks like a younger you from the pictures I post.  She's kinda looking for a miracle like I am, Brooks...everyday.  Listened to your closing song...Into the West...again and again today...I know you liked it from the movie...listening to Evanescence now.  Maybe I shouldn't but it's my mood now.  It's been so long...finally got a hug from you in a dream a couple of nights ago...so real...I still remember it, Brookster...thank you!!!  Too many people today who I had to tell about you...still people who don't know...they all remembered you and loved you, buddy.  I'll see you tomorrow...BE GOOD...BE SOLID!!!  Good night...Love ya...Dad

 

Wishing....

 

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Lora, I saw on the Weather Network that they pour orange food colouring into the Chicago river and the motion of the boat turns it green. Interesting! My oldest granddaughter was born in Dublin when the kids lived there. St. Paddy's Day is huge and they have a huge parade through Dublin. My grandmother on my Dad's side was born and raised in  Ireland. She was short with jet black hair and ruled the house with an iron fist. She moved to Canada when she married an English protestant and they were disowned by their families. I can understand your need to keep busy. I like your  plan to keep going. I am applying that same theory myself and it is definitely helping. I'm into the one month at Curves. It helps to burn off stress.

 

Dee, thanks for asking. Last night the temps dipped to -29C! Yet today it is going up to -4C. Huge gap in daytime temps.  There is definitely warmth in the sun and the position of the sun makes it seem spring like. Four days until first day of Spring. Tell the robins that they need to stay there for a few weeks yet. They will find it hard foraging for food with all of this snow yet to melt. We plan to go for a nice long walk this afternoon. Can't wait to get into the trails again. Jeff's bench is so deeply buried in snow that we did not bother to visit lately.

 

I have been thinking of him so much lately. Gosh I miss him. Somehow remembering him seems like a summer day to me. The time is quickly passing and it is now over four years since he died. Hard to believe. Thinking of everyone and sending much love. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora and Kate.....yes....the march onward with keeping our hands busy....keeps us in a forward motion....I was always a 'perceptual motion machine'.....but grief really stopped me in my tracks....but while I was 'cocooning' I began rearranging my priorities....things started changing down deep in my persona.....I guess that is why I ask myself..'Who am I now?'....

   Jesse..(not Jeremy)...is going to have the cast put on his lower leg/foot soon....it has taken a long time for the swelling to go down....(it is ok...it is hard to keep up with the names of someone that has 6 kids..14 GRANDchildren)..he got one of those 'knee scooters'....the crutches were hurting his underarms....so blessed that it was not any worse....

 

The one big difference is that I find myself sitting in a circle...of many things that need to get done....and just sit...my focus is not strong....my mind wanders forward and then backward...lost in memory....a song...looking at photos...just 'being'...lots of 'sighs'.....I can become overwhelmed quite easy....I put off going on errands or shopping for hours....I think I need to 'wake up' and then I think I could go and stay in a cabin..in the woods...by the ocean....for a long, long time...by myself...and be very content.

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, I completely understand your need to withdraw at this stage. I'm sure we all go through this period. I agree that after suffering a loss such as ours we find that our priorities change big time. Very little matters when we actually think about it. The focus is on the importance of our families. The cherished life that we lost sharing. I am really pleased that you have your family to help to focus on. While it does not diminish your loss...it does help to provide a form of relief or escape. You are going about this as you should be. It is your own personal journey and we are all unique in our ways of dealing with it. This year four has actually been the first time that I feel as if I can actually live again with any degree of happiness. Even my husbands illness has forced me into pushing myself to move outside of my comfort level and do things I never thought I would tackle in the past. I believe that in part losing Jeff was such a huge wake up call that our life is so short and we never know how long we have. We need to make the most of each and every day. I carry the happiness that I shared with my son in my heart always...and in doing so I feel his encouragement to keep going and live life to the fullest. The new you will slowly emerge  when it is time. Just let your heart guide you.

 

That broken leg of Jesse's sounds familiar. I remember all too well the pain associated with an injury like that. Jeff also had a very bad break years ago and had surgery with a twelve inch plate placed in his leg. He spent a good period of time in recovery. The first period was extremely painful, but we got through it. It sure kept me hopping. I'm glad Jesse was able to find an alternative to the crutches. I hope his recovery is a speedy one. 

 

Dee, I imagine you will be taking in the St. Patrick's Day parade. Enjoy.

[ericasmom]

Wade thanks for the music, it is very powerful.

 

No Kate, no parade for me, it is a parade I have never enjoyed, too many that drink too much and whatnot. I have seen the river turned green though, it is such a bright green and they keep saying that the dye will not harm anything living in the water...they have been doing this for eons in Chicago, huge Irish population, and it is festive for sure.

 

Lora, so good to see you. I love that your Son took the photo of the river, glad that he is enjoying the traditions of our fair city. I have had constant sinus stuff too, and while I have been taking medicines for my year round allergies, I still react to the slightest increase in pollen of any sort.

 

Be well all, we are going to Husband's sister's home today for his Mom's 85th. I made two keylime pies. Yum. Greenish for St. Patricks.

[Mermaid Tears]

Tomorrow is my Dad's birthday....no he wasn't Irish...but my Mom's Dad was Scots-Irish....so...we always celebrated St. Patricks Day.....

 

I so agree Kate....and with what Dee says...to celebrate and stand in the place of our child...for John David would want his family to live and live well...and take care of the children...and to let as much joy and happiness come into our lives and to show them by example to live as fully as one can....and one cannot accomplish that by sitting in a corner..draped in mourning and tears.....there is a place for grief....for sure....and we just have to learn how to move 'through' it...and carry our child with us with as much grace and mercy as we can create....

    the trick....is learning how...becoming that 'forever student' in the grief classroom....

thanks to the people on this site....I am not alone in my lesson....

[Mermaid Tears]

Well Wade....I have been wanting to let you know that I have thought about the mystical timing of your Brooks....he was an only child....and before he passed.....he was in a very loving relationship with Shauna and her three children...bringing lots of viable love and care to their lives.....it is like he left '3 children' for you....for there is that connection in how they loved him..and you loved him....

   there can never be 'enough' love....there is an invisible bonding there....

and now.....you here from Lindsey...someone he had a relationship with....and she had a child....a little boy that reminds her of Brooks....

   that is news that can knock the socks off a parent....and knock the wind out of your sails....

could it be ?

You say you are hoping for a miracle.....well....we will hope with you...

 

I have a 'small town' story about something just like that....not too many know the secret story...just a few....there is a small circle of people that 'know'....and even though many, many years have passed....it is still our 'secret story' ...I will die with the secret...I can tell the story without names...

[Mermaid Tears]

Ted....I believe if you live in a community...one should give back to that community....

and it is good that you can give of yourself and teach the young ones....I would not want to be an umpire....but we have to have them for the 'game to go on'....and I so respect those that step up to the plate and do their part....

   remember we are here for you....you will have a rough road ahead of you with Nick's birthday coming up....hang on with both hands...

[Guest]

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[daveydow1]

Sarah.......Sarah......Sarah.....Saying your name and remembering you,....sweet Angel.

 

Sandy-----I'm sorry I missed Sarah's Angel Day , yesterday.  Wishing you peace, friend.

 

 

Wade-----Sending thoughts & prayers that it will turn out the way that you would like

it to.   Thoughts & Prayers.

 

Dee----I have never been to the big St Pat's Day parade in Chicago, but I know that

it is a long tradition there. A couple years ago, my daughter, Becky, and her husband

came to the Chicago parade & enjoyed all the festivities and merrymaking.  That was the year

that the temps were close to 80 degrees.  There has been a hawk hanging around

our grounds again (Coopers hawk ??).  This time he seems to be leaving the birds

alone, in favor of swooping down and catching moles.  For this....I am glad.  The moles

are making a mess, with tunnels in the yard.  My husband was looking out the window

the other day, and witnessed the hawk catching a mole (or mouse).  Thanks for the poem....

"Hand-Me-Downs".

 

Kate-----I agree----After a child's death,...we often have to struggle to find some semblance

of balance and firmer footing after such an event that could not help but change us for

all time.  I find that for myself.....I'm a much more solitary person.  I'm not a hermit, but

I am pretty much contented to stay out here in the country and do all the things that  I

find comfort in.  Luckily, my family doesn't criticize me, and seems to understand my

change, and need to be by myself.  Nature is a big help, and I observe it all the time.

As you say----it's good to try to appreciate and enjoy each day as best we can. 

 

 

NJR----

I am so sorry for your loss of your son, John Ross.  I hope that you can come

back to BI  (formerly called Beyond Indigo).  Everyone here knows, firsthand, the

pain, sorrow, and despair that one has when they've lost their dear child.....and part

of their hearts.  Peace to you,   friend.

 

 

WISHING     PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry    

[Sholl1955]

deleted

[Jeff's Mom]

Deleted. 

[Jeff's Mom]

Hang in there Sandy. You have us and you are not alone. It can often feel as if you are given more than you can handle. Please feel free to pm me any time you want. I've walked in your shoes and relate. Holding you close. Kate

[lovU2themoon]

Sandy,  I'm sorry I missed Sarah's Angel Day saying Sarahs name today and thinking of you!

 

I seem to be having a crying day, have cried most of today, those stinging burning tears.

and now exhausted, grateful for the end of today.

Good night all and wishing you peace.

 

Wanda

 

 

 

I dont know how we go on each day with out you our sweet Lane, so loved so missed by me and your sister.

[ericasmom]

Morning Folks, I am slow to ready for work, didn't sleep well as the full moon in all of its glory was shining into my brain. Anyhow, wishing all a good as can be day and leaving this article about Cecily with you...Cecily is one of my Daughter's best buddies, she has been on Saturday Night Live for a year and a half now. So dear.

 

 

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/celebrity/aboutlastnight/chi-interview-cecily-strong-snl-weekend-update-colin-jost-20140316,0,1941538.column

[Jeff's Mom]

Sandy and Wanda, I hope that today will be a better one for you. The loss and ache can be so intense that first couple of years.  

 

Dee, thanks for sharing the info about Cecily. She is a really lovely young woman. I just love her dress in that photo.

 

Susan, thinking of you today when I woke up to another eight centimeters of freshly fallen snow. Oh my, will it ever end? Please send some of that warm Texas sunshine. Hope that Jesse is improving.

 

 

Kate

[MissKylie]

Today is emotionally exhausting. My daughter’s teachers called to ask pictures of Kylie. As I requested her name to be included in their graduation day. There was a day when Kylie went home telling me that she’s mad because her classmates don’t want her to graduate. She’s only 5 years old and how can 5-year old children wouldn’t make it to graduation? So I promised her that she will graduate and we will attend her graduation this Saturday.

 

Sometimes we pretend that she did not pass away. Last weekend, we attended a kiddie birthday party. My husband and I attended with our 7-month old son. We pretend that Kylie did not come because she’s sleepy and tried to tell the same thing to our dear friend who invited us. Of course, our friend knew that Kylie is no longer with us. Not sure if we’re loosing crews here. I pray to God that He’ll pity us and help us get through.

 

It’s been 75 days since we lost her. There are days I feel happy whenever the day ends because it’s another day closer to Kylie. Each aging day is a chance to be with her.

 

There was a time when my husband asked me not to sleep to watch over our son. As it was daytime, I was lying on the bed, watching him and our baby sleeping. I was staring at our son’s medicine for skin asthma when suddenly time seemed to stop. And I saw a baby’s foot on my head. When I looked up, I saw my daughter’s face watching over me, smiling at me as if she knew something that I didn’t know.

 

And then I woke up, with my right arm tingling and numb.  I thought I was wide awake earlier. I don’t remember sleeping. And for the first time, I feel so happy.  My crying days seem to lessen.

 

But I still wish our losses are just a bad dream. Thinking and praying for everyone here.

 

Been reading your posts, Kate, Wanda, Dee, Lora, Wade, Sherry, Susan, Laurie, Ted

 

I miss you Kylie ..I really miss you so much…Mommy and Daddy and baby brother loves you Forever...

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy...am glad you got time to spend with the GRANDdaughters...priceless....and I do hope there is something in the medicine bag that will give your husband relief....at last.....his pain has been going on for too long...which hurts you, too....

  both of you need a respite...

 

My Essie use to say..'if there is one..there is some'.....

   I wish I lived close by so you and I could be 'face to face' friends...have lunch...a cup of coffee....phone time....

for you need a face to face friend....a real human body....

I have no answers about your daughter or sister not choosing to be with you...

but....I would like for you to 'seek and find' someone that can be with you sometimes....maybe someone that has lost a beautiful daughter...or son....or...just maybe someone like you that would enjoy some 'friend time'.....surely....there is 'one'...but really....there are 'many'.....maybe people on this site will give you some good ideas about how to do this..

we know you have more on your plate that one woman can handle.....but ...yes...you need to have a face to face friend...how about an old classmate or neighbor...or cousin...someone that has known you for a long time...

....then when your daughter and sister are not there....you won't feel the sting of being left out....for you will have a 'friend' you can call or just share a cup of coffee ....Peace to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Cherry....am so happy to hear that Kylie's class will include her in the Graduation ceremony....it will be very emotional for you and your family and the school....and the classmates....teachers.....I hope you have a strong circle of support around you at that time. Grief is a day to day...hour to hour journey....it is an emotional wrecking place...please get lots of rest...and hold on to that precious baby boy....his hugs will be like magical medicine for you now.

[Sholl1955]

I just read my post from last night.   I am so so very sorry for writing all of that  and dumping all of that on you, my dear friends.  

Sandy

[Mermaid Tears]

Well Sandy....this is the 'dumping down' site....you are not judged...you are only heard with your cry from your heart...

no embarrassed word is ever judged here....'we cry'....

we are 'sad'....

we are simply 'human'....and so are you....

we can be who we are for the moment...

or for the day...

or for the time...

we are in a bad spot....a hurtful spot...

and that is 'ok'....

we are here for you...

[daveydow1]

Sandy-----No need to apologize here on BI for any posts that come from the heart.

Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

 

Cherry-----You are not going crazy.  Sometimes we all felt that way at one time

or another on this journey.....I think that it is just part of the road we are on....

and have no wish to ever be on.  As for pretending that your Kylie is still here

on earth....I had done that same thing in the early days after my son, David,

died in a horrific highway crash.  I felt that if I just kept pretending, that the

reality would not assault me over & over...and could not be true.  I believe that

this type of thought process is one way that the mind protects itself....especially in the early

times after the unthinkable loss of a dear child.  Hang on, friend, and keep coming here to BI.

 

Dee----Thanks for the article with Cecily.......she's a very pretty girl.

 

 

PEACE   AND   TRANQUILITY,......AND A GOOD   NIGHT'S  REST  TO  ALL.

 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Sandy, there is no need to apologize. This is a place to feel comfortable and to know you are with friends. You have so much on your plate to deal with. I am glad that you feel you can come here to talk openly about your concerns. They are valid and a lot for one person to carry. Each of us has had our up and down days. That is why this site exists. Where else can we feel that we can vent and be understood? Please make sure you are making an effort to take care of yourself as well. I agree with Susan...I wish we were all able to meet for coffee and just talk. It helps to know we are not alone in our grief. That others are walking this same path and do understand the hurt and frustration. While we can't take the hurt away we can at least take solace in knowing we are not alone.

[Matt1313]

Thank you Erica's mom,

I sent you a inbox message (I think)., I am just getting the hang of this place and trying to find my way around.

I signed on last week in an attempt to help me find some place somewhere that would get me out of this dark place I was in my head., and now I see I have found a place to share my grief with people who understand it! Because, I swear, if I hear one more person tell me they are sending me "positive vibes" my way, I will loose it! (What does that even mean!!!???)

 

 I am still struggling with the people around me,family,friends. I have not come to terms yet with the way they kept their distance from us when we were being dragged through the worst time of our lives. I have seen close family text us to get information on Matt's status instead of coming to the hospital or even calling us !? The friends who we thought were best friends, leave messages on our voicemail ?! Where was everyone when we needed them most??

Just so many things to try and figure out in my head, Anger, resentment, loneliness, helplessness, sometimes I feel like it will explode. So in the meantime, the mask goes on every day, I pretend like I am "over" the worst part and continue on my merry way. But I'm not! I'm broken!!! I will never be the same! I will never be the person I was before Matt died! Doesn't anybody get it ??What's wrong with everybody? Is it me ??

 

 If anything, I have learned so much about people through all of this. But the worst I have learned is that unfortunately  we live in a very selfish cynical world. Life is an illusion.

[ericasmom]

I did get your message Mathieus Mom, you are figuring this place out just fine. Keep posting and letting us know more about you and your Son when you can. Your Boy is just a few weeks older than my Girl. I am glad that you found us, we are a strong and caring group, we get it.  Have you always lived in Ontario?

 

Kylie's Mom, Cherry, in many ways we parents do go crazy in this loss, why wouldn't we? We pretend sometimes in order to get through an event or a specific time, it is like fantasizing, it is trying on our old lives even though we know that they no longer fit, but it is necessary somedays to do this for survival. Eventually you will let go of some of that and the hard facts will be what they are and you will be able to tell folks that you have two children but one lives in Heaven.

I love the dream you had and waking to your little guy and the vision of Kylie filled you up. How nice, that sounds like a dream visit. I am so glad that you had that. How is your husband now? Is he coping better with your grief?

 

Sandy, I don't think your speaking from your sadness is dumping on us, we all do this, we share our hearts and very often, we share our deep sadnesses. It is why we are here, to listen and help lift one another. You did not burden anyone here.

 

Thanks folks for reading about Eri's friend Cecily. She is a wonderful young lady, like so many of the gang that my Girl hung with.

[wgreenlee]

Dee...

We were looking at that same big old moon too.

 

Susan...

Not sure what I'm thinking of right now...just want to help her and let the truth be "what it is."  The timing sure seems "mystical" to me too.  I'll let you know.

 

Sandy...

Like everyone else said there is no reason to apologize.  We know...we know...  You just keep sharing your wonderful Sarah and we will listen and send our warm thoughts your way.

 

Lora...

I still can feel that hug it was so real.  Usually I forget my dreams, but I can still see this one so vividly.  Lindsey is just hoping that Brooks is the father so she can protect her son...not sure what else is going on.  It would sure be a blessing, but not sure what I'm feeling.  Time will tell.

 

Sherry...

Thanks for those thoughts and prayers.  I sure can feel them.  I've never really celebrated St. Patty's Day, but would be cool to see the green river.

 

Wanda...

That is such a beautiful pic...so clear too.  Where was it taken?  Big smiles...good memories...holding you close now.  Stay in there...and let those tears go whenever.  They always seem to cleanse me somehow.  Maybe it's just the release...don't know.  Like you, more today, but they were good tears as I will share below.

 

Cherry...

Will be thinking of you this Saturday.  I think it will be good for you in your grief journey.  Hard, but healing... I imagine Kylie was the best kindergarten student ever.  As a teacher, we always hope for those students.  Beautiful message from little Kylie.  The tears do lessen at times...and it is ok to be happy.  I have found that out, although the days still bring very few of those moments.  They will come...

 

Here are a couple of pics from Brooks' friend, Chad.  He organized the pallbearers and has helped Renea and I with good stories and extended friendship.  Anyways, he had this baseball pic that Brooks had given him years ago in his wallet.  Didn't even remember it was there.  So now he moved into a new house in Lake Tahoe and had the picture blown up and put into a frame.  Still worn and used looking, but signifying their amazing friendship over the years through all the ups and downs of young life.  Chad is the one that Brooks always brought home for lunch in high school when Chad's family was having difficulty.  He says he has something like that for me, but is making it a surprise.  Makes me so proud of my son and his friends that they love and care for each other no matter what.  Friendship renewed!!!

 

The flowers are from Brooks' funeral and I planted them in our yard and are now blooming.  Symbol of new life...memories to share...love to give.  Thank you my precious...most loved child...Brooks Christian Greenlee!

 

 

[Tbearw58]

I stop by here and read everyone's posts. I only wish I could do something to help each and everyone of you. Dee, Susan, Sandy, Lora, Debbie, Sherry, Wade, Cherry, Kate and everyone if I forgot to write your name sorry please know I am praying for each and everyone of you that you find some comfort.

 

I have been thinking of my son Nick it is his birthday Sunday the 23 he will be 27 and I miss him and am still having a very hard time getting through each day. I wan't to live and enjoy my life but it seems that I can not I always return to the pain in my heart. I walk outside and talk to him out loud because I need to, I want to. People in the real world may think of me as crazy but I know in here you understand and thank you for that. There is no magic word or action to make things better if only there was. Why these things happen is life but I don't have to like it just live through it. Well duty calls since I am working tonight here at the hospital the labor and delivery nursery says their printer is not working and I will go see what I can do maybe there will be some newborns there to make me smile. 

 

 

And there was a very cute baby made me smile

[MissKylie]

Susan, thank you for the reminders. John David must be proud to have you as her mother. Thank you for your thoughtfulness.

 

Sandy, no need to apologize. We are free to grieve here. I never felt unwelcomed and we all take care of each other with open arms. The rest of the world may not understand us, but here, no explanations needed. We are all free to cry for our children we've lost.

 

Sherry, God holds our children now. It's really hard to be an angel mom. Pretending helps us cope. Thanks for always being there to console.

 

Mathieu's mom, I wish there are words to make you feel better. The larger love we have for our children, the deeper this grief journey that we need to go through. I agree with you that Life is an illusion. And this world has been cruel to our children who have not let them live. I lost my 5-year old girl to cancer. And our only friend now is courage to go on each day... until the day we'll be with our children again. Let's do our best to cope, to cope with this world. Please continue to share here ...We're all welcome to share our grief.

 

Hi Dee, I like the picture you shared ...Erica's friend. Hubby is still crying a lot of times. He didn't get visits like I do. The other day, Kylie told me she's helping sick children. That's her job now. She raised their hands. Not sure if it's just by-product of my imagination. But it comforts me. I told my husband to stop crying so much...so he'll get some visitation and pray harder... It's a rough road to go through. I'm doing my best to hold our family together. As Kylie would wish the same..to go on with our lives...But there are days still, I feel like I'm losing my sanity. I cannot accept the reality of losing her. Trying to convince myself with other beliefs...And tell myself...they did not die...they just went to a place better than we have here.

 

Wade, according to Kylie's teachers...Kylie should have been a valedictorian. They said they knew it the first time they saw her that  she's special..And there's a mom who even asked why her daughter is not the valedictorian. Teacher said if Kylie is here, she should have been a 3rd honor. I'm so proud of her. I just wish Kylie should have told me..be more open to me...that she's not feeling well each day. So I could have taken care of her more. But all I can do now is wishing...and praying...

 

Ted, i love your pictures with Nick as a little boy. Great to know that you work in the hospital where you see new born babies... It's okay to scream and call out our children's name.

 

Love and prayers to everyone,

 

Kylie's mommy- Cherry

 

 

[johngeoffdoug]

So much sadness, so many lives torn apart. How do we go on every day when our world has seemingly stopped for us, while others go on with their daily life, laughing, as if our pain is nonexistent. None of us ever asked for this lifetime sentence of grief. Why did it have to happen to us? Did our children tell God that they needed to serve a greater purpose ... I can't imagine so. Each and every day is met with so many challenges .. just facing a new day is a hurdle almost too much for the greatest athlete to achieve. Never will I understand why one my precious boys was taken from me .. why, why, why!?!! The grief seems to be deepening with each new day. Does he know how much we miss him, can he hear me when I talk to him?? Never again will I hear his voice, get a hug or kiss, make him breakfast. I never meant to take for granted that my kids would always be here, that I would most certainly leave this earth before one of them. So many unanswered questions remain ... will I ever get answers, probably not. Until we meet again my sweet precious Geoffrey, your Momma will never stop missing you, loving you, wishing you were still here with us.

[Mermaid Tears]

I took an all day long trip down Memory Lane yesterday.....it was my Dad's birthday...he would have been 97 years old...he passed away on June 13, 1996....Randa's birthday....I was trying to mark the sweetest memories with him...

   like when I was 5 years old....there was no kindergarten...but my Mom would get me dressed up....and you (Daddy) would come home from work and change clothes and then you would take me to the Newgulf library....the librarian was a lady that use to be one of your High School teachers...she had steel grey hair..parted in the middle with waves on the side and a bun..straight up and down...(she reminded me of your Mom)....together both of you would walk me down the aisles..and she would help you pick out books for me....ones to help you teach me to read...others you would read to me...and that was our 'date' every week....and you did teach me to read....and you and I could talk 'books' forever more....

    remembering the summer I was 14.....and you and your friends built a small lean-to stable....and Grampa brought my horse to the beach....you knew I wanted to ride my horse at the beach...even though you and Mom did not share my complete passion for horses.....and you would get irritated when I would not ride with a saddle....just bareback....later...when I had children...I understood your fear of what could happen.....

    I remember you were a scratch golfer....and Exxon would enter you in all the golf tournaments around Texas...and pay for the family to go and attend....and you set so many records and won so many....later....when I was in my early 40's...I took up golf....and I was so nervous to play with you.....and once again....how sweet and steady the lessons you taught me....

    remembering when my friends would come over...and you would always say something complimentary to them....you taught me that a simple nice word or words is all you need to make someone happy....

    I also remember all the parties Mom would give and they all had to have a 'theme'....and you saying...'I am so happy to    give Mama a theme for my birthday party'.....I love the way you loved her....

  I remember you saying...after Mom died...'I just want to go to Heaven and be with Mimi'....so I had to let you go....

  and now....I have had to let John David go.....and I know you hear me cry out..'Daddy..I lost my little boy'...and then...I try to imagine you and Mom...holding each other at a Heaven Beach...and holding on to him....for me....as always...helping and looking out for me... taking care of me...watching over me...

[johngeoffdoug]

Mermaid Tears .... that was just, simply put, beautiful. How we miss those days with our parents teaching us, praising us for a job well done. For them to see us happy, in turn made them happy.

[Mermaid Tears]

Geoff's Mom....there are quite a few days I wonder...if my parents and grandparents were still with me....if I would or could be better..?? I know it would knock them to their knees....it would be devastating...to lose John David...and then see 'me'...and so....I go to my 'place'....where they were there to welcome and hold him.....maybe it is very simplistic...but maybe the answers to it all are just 'simple'....not complicated at all. I do believe I am the one that tries to complicate issues way too much.

 

Mathieu's Mom....many on this site has had to face the same 'questions'....when it comes to family and friends that seem to desert a 'parent' that has lost a child....not only is one faced with the dark grief....but also...the painful separation and isolation ....we really don't have answers to every unique situation.....

  but...I can offer that people simply don't know how to face or talk or be with one that has faced the hardest grief one can ever have.....they aren't mean....just ignorant....and I will have to be honest here....until I lost my John David...I had not one clue....that this grief could be so dark...heavy...paralyzing. There isn't one life lesson out there that can even come close to mimicking this grief journey.....

  Only ones that have lost a child....can really understand what you are feeling..... and even then....each of us have a unique situation....living environment....other children...work issues...blended families...health issues...money issues...etc...

    I will say this....and many on this site have had to do it.....

   If...there is someone in your life....even an old friend....that cannot empathize in even a small way....and is telling you how and when to move on...then....sometimes we have to let that person go.....maybe not forever....but until....we have a stronger foundation to stand on....and some healing has come...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Cherry, thank you for sharing your dream of Kylie...I have had some of those dreams as well and they are a comfort...your little girl is so full of goodness..

 

Geoff's mom, "So much sadness, so many lives torn apart. How do we go on every day when our world has seemingly stopped for us, while others go on with their daily life, laughing, as if our pain is nonexistent. None of us ever asked for this lifetime sentence of grief."

 

That is something that I believe many of us struggle with...I do not have any great answers for this other than to say it has helped me to be able to come here and share....

 

Wanda, thank you for sharing the picture of your family with Lane, understand those tears...

 

Mathieu's Mom, I see your son has an angel date in 2012 as well...you are on a similar timeline as several of us...it becomes a pressing need to go somewhere and just say our children's names, to have others remember with us, to say how much we miss them and for all of those listening to say, I truly understand...

 

Wade, that is a lovely picture of your son, how special that his friend made a copy of it for you..it is always good to see your posts....

 

Ted, know that first angel birthday is really hard, we will be here...

 

Susan, I love your story, and I do truly believe your parents and grandparents were there for John David, receiving his sweet spirit into Heaven...as I believe my sister, other son, Taylor, and those passed on before were there for Jesse...

 

Kate, thinking of Ross, sending prayers for the next medical appointments....

 

Sherry,

" As for pretending that your Kylie is still here on earth....I had done that same thing in the early days after my son, David, died in a horrific highway crash. I felt that if I just kept pretending, that the reality would not assault me over & over...and could not be true. I believe that this type of thought process is one way that the mind protects itself....especially in the early times after the unthinkable loss of a dear child."

 

This is true, I have done the same, and still do a little bit...so to Kylie's mom, I think this is very normal when being overwhelmed with this type of loss...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie..'will the circle be unbroken?'.....

 

Wade...it is special and priceless when a friend will share a 'treasure'....

 

Ted...my GRANDson, Hunter Bear came over Sunday..starving...and he had been at 'Umpire Practice'...

[daveydow1]

Susan----I love your writing, which was a lovely tribute to your dear dad.  The pics

you posted of him reminds me of my own dear dad , who passed away nearly 20 yrs.

ago.  It's easy to see that you had such a very special relationship with your father....

and that is something you cherish. Your weekly 'dates' to the library when you were

5, and the reading and sharing good times is a priceless memory, along with the

horse you rode bareback on the beach.  While your mom & dad were nervous about

the riding, they let you go ahead and follow your passion for horses.  ( I, too, had....

and still do, have a passion for horses, and used to have one as a teen, and also

rode it bareback ).  Later on you took up golf to share  good times with your dad.

That is so nice.  I, too, was close to my father, and miss him still.  Your tribute

shows all the love and closeness that you shared with your dad, and these memories

will always be with you and sustain you when you feel down.  Your dad and John David

are surely together now, and smiling down to warm your heart & soul.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Karen-----Yes....there are so many unanswered questions after the terrible loss of

a beloved child.  We search for answers, but mostly we don't find the answers.  This

is undoubtedly a very rough time for you with Geoffrey's birthday coming up. These

milestones can be so painful.  Please keep coming here to BI and post/read when you

feel you can. 

 

Cherry-----So glad that you have had dreams of Kylie.  We cannot 'will' ourselves to have

these lovely dreams......or we would have them come to us all the time....regularly.  I've

found that the dreams/signs  will come when they may.....many times when we least

expect them, and when they do come.....they are our treasures to hold near our hearts.

My baby, Lisa, died many yrs. ago, and I had not had any dreams of her for years.....then

out of the blue, I had a very sweet dream of her.....so many years later.  I still hold that

dream close.  I hope that your dear husband will have a dream sometime too.  Peace

be with you and your family.

 

Ted----I'm sorry that you are having a rough time....especially when Nick's birthday is

coming up.  Wishing you comfort & peace.

 

 

Wade-----Thanks for the pics you posted of Brooks. He is a handsome young man..

 

Mathieusmom----The emotions you described...anger, confusion, and loneliness are,

sad to say,  part of this journey.....especially in the early times after the unthinkable

loss of your dear son, Mathieu.  As you say.....each day the mask goes on, and we

try to carry on with a broken heart.  Sometimes we even feel as though we need to

be 'OK' so that others will not feel awkward around us.  It's a difficult part of this

road....for sure.  Just keep coming here and telling us about your son when you

feel you can.  When you come here, you are part of the BI family who cares for

each other, and understands the sorrow that goes with the loss.   Take care.

 

PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry       

[ericasmom]

Susan, I so agree, your tribute to your Daddy is lovely and beautifully remembered and expressed here. Thanks for sharing this with us, this walk down your memories with your Dad. I am always glad to hear happy Dad stories as I did not have a nice father, so it warms my heart to know others did.

 

Busy doing report cards so I haven't much time these next few days...wish me luck.