Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

I am dreading Tuesday night. It is our bereavement night at the local hospital. We all buy a Christmas ornament to place on the tree in memory of our loved one. The problem is...my sister. The one and only sister I have. The one that has not given any sign of concern during these past and difficult four years. She has decided to start volunteering at my hospital. Just moved here a mere few years ago. She has always craved accolades. Well on Tuesday evening she will be reading four particular paragraphs of solace from the prepared program. I will have to sit there with my husband that is so ill and watch her as she reads and soaks up the accolades. I am going as it is the first time I feel I could actually face this. I want to go. But not now. I will do this...as I struggle to answer the question of why is she getting involved in this? She is the one that told us we need to get over it and if we could not... we needed to get help. That it was not their responsibility or job to give us moral support. Same as my brother. The question I have is this...if it were you... would you go? Would you go and leave right after the dedication? Or would stand your ground in which case it will become about her as always. That night is about my boy. Not her. What to do.

[SamDsmom]

Well it is the end of a very long hard day. Too exhausted to think about any of it. Just wanted to say thank you all for your support. Dee, no need to apologize. I know I really need to take a break. I think my husband says those things to me to get me to stop and think. Pretty sure shock tactics aren't going to snap me out of this one. It might be a possibility to stay with my daughter.

Kate and Shannon thank you for your input also. Others personal experience really helps.

Shannon thanks for sharing your Angel story. It gives me hope. Sam's birthday is in 2 days. I just don't know.

Most of our family and a lot of Sam's friends were there all day and for the game tonight. I just miss my baby.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Remembering Sarah's heavenly birthday...sending prayers of comfort for you Sandy...

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Steve's mom, I am sorry for the loss of your son...this is has been such a comforting place to share about our children, we really get it...

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Kate, read your post tonight...I know these type of family issues can be so tangled and also the deep hurt that is there...I think you may have part of your answer -- if you decide to go, make the night be about Jeff, perhaps just treat her as a "stranger" doing the reading, for your sake...not saying this would be easy...my initial thoughts...

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks Laurie. Since the day Jeff died and Ross took sick I have walked this path alone. It has been extremely difficult. I believe that at the root of this is the fact they can not deal with the circumstances surrounding his death. They are very cold people for the most part. Hard and demanding. Image and money is the root of who they are. I do plan to attend and I will know many others there as well. Finding people to talk to will not be a problem. It is just a killer to have to sit there and watch her stand up there fluffed up like a peacock looking important. I sat alone the day my husband had surgery. With the exception of a good friend that offered to stay with me I was alone during life threatening surgery. Also when he had the allergic reaction to the chemo and they were preparing him for a trach I went it alone as always. My son offered to come home, but it was difficult for him at that time. Just another hurdle to get over. On the scale of importance it really is pretty low.

[Guest]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

I'm glad you plan to attend the bereavement night. It seems something that is important to you and I'd hate to see you miss that because of your sister. I agree that you could just set your mind to putting no more importance on her than anyone else. I know that will be hard but this is about Jeff and your ways of honoring him. It's not fair to have that taken from you.

Laurie,

The video you posted for Sandy was really beautiful.

I'm really downing the coffee this morning. It was 4 am before I could sleep and even then it was restless and of course Aiden is up before 8am. Hopefully we get a nap today.

Thinking of everyone today.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Kate, I would feel some sense of propriety as well, especially since she has not shared this sadness with you in the past. I would however go and really be there. After the reading I might even say something like, " oh I am so glad that you have found your way to the piece of our lives that have been so lonely." Peace Sweetie.

Welcome Steve's Mom, I am so sorry that you lost your Boy. We get it here, so please come and share about your Boy's life, about your life...

The kids are back in school after a long long weekend. I am pooped, not feeling real well, a cold coming on I think. Extra vitamin C and walks to keep healthy.

[Mermaid Tears]

I'm going to put my opinion out there on the inconsiderate 'people' that some on this site has problems with in their circle of family and friends....and even their Mothers...

If you will just take a moment or two to think of how 'they' acted before your child passed...you may find that they were cold and inconsiderate way before your child died.....

One may think that since you are in the most paralyzing grief a parent can ever have that they would suddenly be transformed into a caring and loving person.....but that simply will not happen.

The old saying...'you can't change the spots on a leopard' has more truth in it than ever.

If your Mother was loving and supportive before your child passed....and you think she isn't reaching out to you now.....then she probably just doesn't have the skills to know what to do for you now. Her grief is so great that she doesn't know what or how to do for you.

If your Mother was not supportive of you before your child died....you can bet your last nickle..she won't be now.

You will have friends that walk a wide circle around you....simply because they are ignorant about how to deal with your grief. There will be many on your friends list that you will have to cross off....for you have figured out you just don't have the time to give to a 'high maintenance' friendship.

You will discover you will and have changed. You are rising from the ashes...you are sometimes a stranger to yourself....and you have to rediscover who you are walking on this earth without your child. It is a foreign land at first....and you will have to have a lot of time rewriting ..your map of the world you now live in. Familiar places seem strange landmarks without that child.

The ball is in your court now to decide who YOU want with you.

It would be a perfect world if we all could find a soft spot to fall...and there would be many around us to help shape and define our new life. We are all unique....some need the caring hearts of many around them......for me....I just wanted to be left alone. I am possessive of my way to grieve....I am selfish in the 'how' I am dealing with my John David...this is mine.

Many have 'anger'....which is very normal....but you have to realize that others do not know how to deal with your anger.....I have discovered that the ones that do understand the anger...or ones that have lost a child. It takes one to know one.

It is human to 'wonder' why our family and friends have added 'insult to injury' in our grief...and human to have your feelings hurt......but.....try to 'leave them to heaven'....and wait for the karma to kick in.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...I agree with Dee.....and just remember....WE will be with you.

[Mermaid Tears]

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

From Mermaid Tears' post:

-- "There will be many on your friends list that you will have to cross off...."

Yes, the one friend I have crossed off my list is the woman whose daughter's boyfriend said he witnessed the accident, (would have been the only eyewitness) then after realizing a police statement would be in order, denied this...I almost ran into her this past Saturday at the local store, I don't think she will ever figure it out...

-- "You will discover you will and have changed. You are rising from the ashes...you are sometimes a stranger to yourself....and you have to rediscover who you are walking on this earth without your child. It is a foreign land at first....and you will have to have a lot of time rewriting ..your map of the world you now live in. Familiar places seem strange landmarks without that child."

Very well said...familiar places are strange landmarks, actually some of most painful ones..some that trigger back memories so strong it takes one's breath away, leaving you to seek the nearest exit...

"We are all unique....some need the caring hearts of many around them......for me....I just wanted to be left alone. I am possessive of my way to grieve....I am selfish in the 'how' I am dealing with my John David...this is mine."

I think both my husband and myself have both taken this approach...needing so much alone time to process, to cry, to scream, to think, to whimper...to take in one's own mortality...to search...to find God...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Shannon, I am glad that you thought the video was a good choice...it had such beautiful imagery..as you can tell I had another sleepless night as I posted at 2 am...

Sandy, I hope today goes a little "softer" for you...

Dee, thinking of you, have you tried the Emergen-C product which is the powdered vitamins, it is fast and easy, throw it in a bottled water if you are on the run...

Also, thinking of Sherry and Carol today...

Wade and Wanda, how are things with you both?

Lora, hope you survived okay the mad rush at Walmart...I drove my daughter in two of the days just to help settle her nerves...our visit with my SIL and husband went well even though it was interupted with Christina's work...we watched Anne of Green Gables two nights and drank lots of hot good coffee, talked by the wood stove which gives out a wonderful heat...my daughter is quite attached to my SIL...

Becky, how did things go for you?

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....the video was like getting a hug....

Sandy....the blessing in your grief is being able to share the day....that baby girl slipped off a cloud in heaven...and was placed in your arms and heart....with her little girls....only a GRANDmother can tell that story.....and we know you told it well.....and know they will love to hear it over and over. Mother to Mother ....I send you my prayer....

Ok....I want everyone on this site to put your arms around yourself....give yourself a pat on the back....We made it through Thanksgiving....some were on their knees....some were wiping away tears....some were limping through...some were saying prayers through their grief.....

I think we are just so brave....

I woke up this morning thinking of a song by Merle Haggard.."If We Make it Through December"....

which will be a theme song for many....

[ericasmom]

Very well stated Susan, and great comments too Laurie. These could be the guidelines for NEWBIES.

We are not the same person that we were, but we do find who we are becoming. It is an unending process and the hope is that we find ways to be really good humans even as we face life with a new and different trajectory. It is as Lora said earlier today, we try to make decisions based on how our Child would love to see us---always hoping to make them very proud of us.

Thanks for the date for Light a Candle Date, light will shine from sunrise to sunset if done correctly. Let the light shine.

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to all for your uplifting words of encouragement. Ross and I will definitely attend the gathering tomorrow evening. After all...it is to acknowledge those that have passed away, and to comfort those that are grieving. We were unable to go the past few years. It was just too hard. It's the music you see. It's Christmas and carols will be played without a doubt. The night he died I sat looking at my dickens village lit up and shining brightly on our mantle piece. He remarked at how festive it looked earlier that evening. But a light went out for me that night. I am trying desperately to rekindle that spark. I have baked a traditional old fashioned Christmas cake...one the requires soaking the fruit for several days in rum. I have baked several tins of shortbread. Put up the Christmas tree and decorated everything. Basically I did it for Ross and for Jeff. Also the girls coming at Christmas time is so important to me to have them remember a Nana that enjoys the holidays. I agree with all that you have stated as to finding ourselves in a new place. Our lives having taken a new direction that is foreign. Tomorrow evening I will go and just be myself. If however she does try to push my buttons...look out. I have a bit of a temper to match this red hair. And she knows it! I spoke to my son that lives in Calgary this morning. There is a wicked blizzard and winter storm crossing Alberta and Saskatchewan. Followed by bitterly northern air. It is apparently heading south from there into the States. Hope everyone stays safe and warm. Thinking of everyone today and sending much love. Kate

[ericasmom]

Hi Kate,

glad that you are resolved in this situation with your sister. Your decorations sound lovely and that shortbread---oh that sounds good.

The next few days will be warmer than they should be and then Thursday the temps fall off to very cold, so I guess that is the storm you are speaking of.

Be well, stay warm, stand tall, cry and laugh when those emotions come. Let them free.

[lovU2themoon]

Spend the last few days in sadness, stayed off the computer for a bit to, just feeling very bad as the snow falls and the holidays are coming.

Tonight is our Compassionate Fiends Candlelight service, feeling a bit anxious for that also, i see my psychiatrist before we go, maybe he can ease some of

my anxiety before the service

My chest is heavy and my throat is tight, gawd, i hate this, these feelings are all consuming, I miss my Lane so much, such a battle to go on everyday

I know i am not alone, i have my daughter, and my family, but sometimes, its just so hard to not think of where my Lane is? does he need me? is he safe? is he scared? does he miss me like i miss him?

I know i should believe he is safe in Heaven with my dad, but its hard, he was just a kid, he hardly understood or knew about Heaven and dying.

I dont know....just a bad day today....

[Mermaid Tears]

Wanda...many have been thinking of you and your Lane....and also your daughter....

we wish we could tell you that the bad days are few and far between....but at the beginning of this journey....the good days are few and far between....

and we know that...

and we know how you hurt...hang on with both hands and we are here to hear you.

[ericasmom]

Wanda, I know our belief systems get challenged like crazy in all of this, but I do think that he is okay, that he is not scared or angry and that he is learning all about his new home. It is okay for your beliefs to be all over the place, they will settle one day and you will feel more secure in his placement. It is not unusual to think that they are afraid, but I have read enough about NDE, near death experiences, to know that most of our beloved ones feel incredible peace and serenity adn joy in the place that they land.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I know i am not alone, i have my daughter, and my family, but sometimes, its just so hard to not think of where my Lane is? does he need me? is he safe? is he scared? does he miss me like i miss him?

I know i should believe he is safe in Heaven with my dad, but its hard, he was just a kid, he hardly understood or knew about Heaven and dying.

I dont know....just a bad day today....

Have the same struggles even with my signs from my son....This is one of NDE's that touched me in particular early on...the reason it did is because it was just an old recording by some person's grandfather....there was nothing to push or prove...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I had a phone call from the Attorney Generals office today...she let me know that there are going to be charges filed against the driver that killed my son...the charge is Homicide by Negligent Operation of a Vehicle...it is a felony...I do not believe the County DA would have brought charges without some arm twisting by the Attorney's General office...

To Becky... how grateful I am that you posted the information on this site regarding the Attorney General's office, I would have never known...

I also gave a big shout out to Jared's spirit...Thank you for having your mom post that information, and I say this in the most humble manner of appreciation, and is not said lightly....but with tears in my eyes...

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....well...am feeling very emotional for and with you now...more later....video was amazing..

[Sholl1955]

Kate, Shannon, Dee, Laurie, Lora and Susan....Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words about my Sarah. Seeing her name in print and to know that she is being spoken of and remembered is like balm to a very weary soul and something only those in this family can relate to instantly. I got home a little later today so just read all of your posts and want you to know how you have lightened some of the pain. Laurie, THANK YOU for the beautiful video. It spoke to my heart in ways that I needed so much. I don't know how you knew to pick that one but it was perfect. There have been times that I have been reluctant to post as I feel that my feelings will sound too selfish, but I want to encourage all the new members that anything you are feeling is ok to share with everyone here. This journey that we have been forced to walk is a roller coaster with ups and downs for all of us no matter how long it has been since we had to say goodbye to our precious children and there is no better place to come than to those who understand without us having to explain anything and who accept us for who and where we are. When you can't post that is understood too but the caring never stops. Wanda I believe it doesn't matter if your sweet Son understood about God and death as God knows him and made him and loves him so much. We cannot answer the why questions, and I still would like to know why, but will have to wait until I see for myself the joy and peace that our kiddos are now enjoying. Keep coming here when you are able. You have caring friends here. Wishing all a good rest. Sandy

[Sholl1955]

Kate, Shannon, Dee, Laurie, Lora and Susan....Thank you SO MUCH for your kind words about my Sarah. Seeing her name in print and to know that she is being spoken of and remembered is like balm to a very weary soul and something only those in this family can relate to instantly. I got home a little later today so just read all of your posts and want you to know how you have lightened some of the pain. Laurie, THANK YOU for the beautiful video. It spoke to my heart in ways that I needed so much. I don't know how you knew to pick that one but it was perfect. There have been times that I have been reluctant to post as I feel that my feelings will sound too selfish, but I want to encourage all the new members that anything you are feeling is ok to share with everyone here. This journey that we have been forced to walk is a roller coaster with ups and downs for all of us no matter how long it has been since we had to say goodbye to our precious children and there is no better place to come than to those who understand without us having to explain anything and who accept us for who and where we are. When you can't post that is understood too but the caring never stops. Wanda I believe it doesn't matter if your sweet Son understood about God and death as God knows him and made him and loves him so much. We cannot answer the why questions, and I still would like to know why, but will have to wait until I see for myself the joy and peace that our kiddos are now enjoying. Keep coming here when you are able. You have caring friends here. Wishing all a good rest. Sandy

[wgreenlee]

Sarah...Sarah...Sarah

You are thought of with love and longing and will forever be remembered!!! Prayers and thoughts to you, Sandy.

Been thinking of everyone...reading the posts...thinking of what's to come...praying and hoping for everyone to find peace this Christmas.

So good to hear some good news from many of you...even though the journey is still so hard.

Put up Brooks' tree with some lights tonight...invited friends to place a decoration on the tree. Hopefully some do. Finally went and bought some donuts at the store of the man who shot Brooks. It was ok... Best donuts in Carson so I couldn't avoid the place forever. Not the same though. Nothing will ever be the same...

Going to post the link to our video again in case some missed it over Thanksgiving. Hope everyone was able to access it.

All my love and prayers to all of you. You are SO GOOD and COMPASSIONATE!

Wade

https://vimeo.com/80580893

[Missing my Jr]

Hi my name is Arceli and today exactly a month ago I lost my 19 yr old son on a tragic car accident that was caused by the Baja California police dept. My heart is so heavy, words cannot even explain the pain that I'm feeling. So many questions with no answers. What happened to my son out there while visiting this cruel country? My life will never be the same. I just don't want to be here but I know I have to continue thru this painful journey because I have my daughter and son to live for .

[wgreenlee]

Arceli...

I'm sorry for the loss of your son. Share with us and know that we will listen. Will be praying for you and your family.

For you, son...

Wanted so badly to talk with you today. I'm sick and tired of talking to your grave. I want to talk with YOU! I miss our talks so much. I wanted to help you so much to continue your amazing journey of life. You were making me prouder and prouder every day. I just don't know what to do. It's not getting any better. I'm so alone right now and I could always give you a call or text. Another day tomorrow that I have to get through. There's so many exciting things going on that you would have loved. You loved life and it was taken away and I don't want to live the rest of my life without you. I don't want to do this, but I will try harder for you. I want you to be proud of me. I need you so much right now. I put a tree with lights on your site. Didn't help a whole lot, but it looks ok. I hope you can somehow see it and know that my love for you is unending and forever. You were my only boy and now I don't have that anymore, and I miss you so much. Please help me buddy. The rest of my life is such a long time without you. Goodnight and be good...Dad

[Missing my Jr]

Thank you so much wgreenlee and sorry for your loss, i totally feel your pain. I also will keep you and your family in prayers. I was going thru my phone looking at all the text that me and my son made and in my mind I could hear him while I'm reading them. Like my mind went far until I realized that my baby is really gone. God, I miss him so much and I just don't know how long I will be able to bear such agony..

[Missing my Jr]

Thank you so much wgreenlee and sorry for your loss, i totally feel your pain. I also will keep you and your family in prayers. I was going thru my phone looking at all the text that me and my son made and in my mind I could hear him while I'm reading them. Like my mind went far until I realized that my baby is really gone. God, I miss him so much and I just don't know how long I will be able to bear such agony..

[Missing my Jr]

Thank you so much wgreenlee and sorry for your loss, i totally feel your pain. I also will keep you and your family in prayers. I was going thru my phone looking at all the text that me and my son made and in my mind I could hear him while I'm reading them. Like my mind went far until I realized that my baby is really gone. God, I miss him so much and I just don't know how long I will be able to bear such agony..

[shorty16]

Laurie,

I read your post about the driver being charged with Homicide by Neglegent Use of a Motor Vehicle - A class G felony. How do I know this? The driver of Brian's crash was also charged with the same felony.

I am assuming no alcohol or drugs were involved; otherwise the charges would have been different.

After the sentencing of the driver in Brian's death, I was asked if I wanted to give a Victims Statement. I spent much time preparing this victims statement. The driver and my son were very good friends.

I am sending you prayers for strength. Especially if the driver, in your case, pleads not guilty and requests a trial. The driver in our instance plead No Contest. 4 hearings, but no trial required.

I have been through this process and can help you to understand what is happening. I will PM my phone number in case you just want to talk.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[SamDsmom]

Arceli, I am so sorry for your loss. My son was killed 2 months ago so I understand where you are at. The intense pain and longing.

Sarahs mom. ..I am sorry I haven't been on here for a few days and did not respond with Sarah's besutiful name. I understand where you are also because 23 years ago this morning I was in the hospital being induced to give birth to my Wonderful beautiful son, who would have been 23 tomorrow. I am so sorry.

[Jeff's Mom]

Who ever thought that I would be at a loss for words? Today I am. I feel your hurt and pain. I understand what each and every one of you are experiencing, and oh... how I wish I could make it go away. I can't. I can only say that I am here to listen and sending all of you love and prayers for some peace to be restored to your lives once again. If you don't hear from me again it is because my sister and I got into an all and out brawl at the bereavement service. My life is like segments from a Seinfeld program. Just kidding. I'm focusing on Jeff tonight. Period. Dee, hope you are feeling better today. Arceli, I am so very sorry for your loss. Laurie, thanks for sharing the NDE story. It always helps to hear positive proof. Wade, hold on to us. We have your back. Debbie, thinking of you today. Love to All, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wade, the revised video is beautiful...just watched it...I think the player that is used in that site actually plays the video better...

Thank you for all your efforts...

Your writing to Brooks about says it all...so want to talk to Jesse...

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Missing my Jr...noticed your comment on one of my images in the photo gallery, you are in my prayers...

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Becky, the poem was just beautiful...it so speaks to our broken hearts...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I make pictures, I write poems, sometimes even sing,

But I am so tired of it all, so little peace does it bring.

I want to be done now, I want to go back, to do that day over again,

So many little things done differently could have brought a different end.

I want him back in my life, to hear his laugh, & see his beautiful smile,

I’d hold him so close, I’d feel his heartbeat, as it joined with my own for a while.

He would tell me of all his adventures since he saw me last,

Of the beautiful place called heaven, where he is having a blast.

I’ll marvel that he’s not a day older, that his eyes still shine so bright,

He will look just like I remember him, before that awful night.

I know I look tired and haggard, from all the tears I have cried,

But if he notices, he doesn’t mention, as he stands there by my side.

Tears flow down my cheeks again, but this time tears of joy,

As I look upon and hold, my son, my babyboy.

God speed that day, hold fast to me lest I should stumble and fall,

Before I reach the place where we will understand it all.

Help me reach out to others that walk these lonely steps,

Who know the pain I feel, understand why I have wept.

Shine our angels’ light upon our path, help us to follow and see,

Your purpose for our lives, from here to eternity.

Give us hope, give us peace, and love along the way,

Grant us these things dear God, we do faithfully pray.

[SamDsmom]

Kate, I will say a prayer for you today. Family is so hard. I guess instead if longing for the relationship I want with my sister I am grateful I she won't respond to me. The anxiety of pending conflict is horrible. Unfortunately I have no advice just prayer.

Debbie

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...our Warrior Mom.....each word from your heart speaks to all of us....

as I have said before....one never really knows 'the good' that comes from shining a light on what is wrong...see....the 'good' you brought to Laurie ? It comes from sharing....caring....reaching out....knowledge that is given.....freely....only wanting a wrong to be set right....so others do not have to have this grief. We will all pray that some sunshine can shine through the cracks of your broken heart...and you will be given a sign or message that your boy is near...and he is glowing with love for you....and so wants to comfort his Mama. Give yourself a rest. How was your Thanksgiving ? How are your parents doing? Let us hear.

I do believe we all are truly brave....and I do think there is purpose for each of us....a purpose as unique as our child...a purpose unique to situation and circumstance.....right now...many of us can't see or focus on it...for our tears blind us...but I do believe and know in some deep way...we will discover what it is. This journey of discovery may take years...but it will 'shine' in our hearts.

[SamDsmom]

Barney the purple dinosaur; The B52s, Woody from Toy Story, toy trains, basset hounds, airplanes, hamsters, mint chocolate chip ice cream, home made macaronni and cheese, tree climbing, singing. The Lords Prayer, Little league, bot scouts...maybe more later. Too much

[Mermaid Tears]

Lora....you and Cara come through the screen.....in reaching out and saying just the 'right thing' and also....you have a 'heart full' of empathy for all of us.....and yes....you hit the nail on the head when you are guided by what 'Cara would do'......and all of us on this site know where Cara inherited her beautiful soul and spirit.....her Mama.

I applaud you for stepping up and out.....of your 'self circle'...and venturing out.....a 'date with a friend' is a good thing....and we come to the age of knowing that 'friendship and companionship' is the foundation of every REAL relationship....not candle light or moonlight.

And....wouldn't Cara want you to do this, too ?

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan, you are very wise in your advice to us. I have been pondering all morning while working around the house how to handle tonight. Then it hit me...perhaps the lesson is for us both. That in our pain and grief she will finally witness what it is to have been brought to our knees by the pain of our loss. That I need to find acceptance in my heart and forgive her for abandoning us. That she needs to find a heart and feel compassion. Not just show it outwardly in a false way... but to actually feel it. And so being confrontational or snippy is just a continuation of the vicious circle of negativity. Forgiveness is what it is all about. Debbie, Lora.... thanks for your kind thoughts. I appreciate it.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I've read everyone's words for and about their Children. They each touch me to my core. I also write... letters and poems, surround myself with Trista's photos, her writings, her things, work in her garden and decorate her site while these things help fill time... nothing can fill this void. Like Dee's poem about the empty seat there is a void in everything. I throw myself into my Boys. I love them so and they deserve the best but everything we do holds an empty space. Trista would have loved this or Trista would have hated this. In everything her absence is felt. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, at the end of the day, I just want my Girl.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Becky, what a great poem. Oh how I know that having that day before our lives went haywire and being able to change the outcome would be the biggest gift of all, but as you said, not until we walk together again will we know, will we understand.

Laurie, I am thrilled that the results are finally working to serve some justice in your case. Good news. The Boys, Jared and Jesse, and Brian are high-fiving each other.

Lora, gee, I hope that you don't chicken out as it sounds like a fun time and a with an old friend, it sounds like it is not scary. I will keep my fingers crossed for a lovely time. Seven years is a long time, I wish I had done what you did when your kids were younger, I dated and yes, the drama leeched into their lives way too much, one man I was with for 2.5 years was not a good person in the end, and my kids knew this, I was the dumb one there. I have so much guilt on this, but that is the way it went and all I could do was learn from it and apologize profusely to them when I finally ended it.

I hope I didn't make it seem that you should not feel lost on days such as the ones you talked about, that you should always feel you have a purpose, I do not feel that each of us feels that sense of purpose all of the time. Once we find that we still have a purpose or we develop a new one, what still remains each day, in each breath, is that we had to say goodbye to a Child, and that is the hardest fact of our lives. I do still have my bouts of deep ache and sadness of course, I do not figure that that piece will ever be in the past.

[Mermaid Tears]

Kate...if I could....I would be right beside you tonight to share this night 'to remember your child'...

and then we could 'remember our boys' together....

You have to have learned by now there are people that walk the earth with a strain of 'meanness and hate' that flows through their veins....they can look pretty on the outside...but they know what their weakness is....and they have learned to parasite off of 'good and strong' people.

They have also mastered the art of 'pulling strings'....to get a reaction out of people...and then they can step back and say...'See how angry that person is'......

And the innocents walk into the trap every time...

We have many around us that can be an example of 'how to be' and 'what can be'.....

but the most important lesson is to have those that show us 'how not to be'....they are the ones that make us have a lot of inner homework...and it is a good lesson for 'they' always seem to get 'away with doing so much bad'...and never having to 'pay' for it.

They will pay for it....but we will never know in what way...for they will never...ever let you know how their life bank statement became bankrupt.

I and many on this site have 'those kind' in our lives...and in our grief we are so vulnerable to 'the wrongs' that we allow them to have center stage at times.....that is simply normal....then we 'see' them for what they are....and we move ourselves back to our center stage. We are the 'stars' in this life play....we are the brave ones...the broken ones who rise every morning and decide to put our grief in our hearts and carry on...the best way we possibly can. I think we all deserve an Oscar.

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon.....first let me say as so many others will say, too.....that we on this site feel honored to listen and hear you.....and everyone.....every one on this site matters.....and what happens to you on your grief journey matters to us, too....no matter how small.....or how tragic...this is one place where a grieving parent can share what is happening in their mourning.

You do have more than your share of 'outside heartache issues'.....

you are thinking good...you are....for you know where your priorities are....YOU...your boys.

You must remember that emotional stress can cause physical breakdowns...so....SELF CARE...and yes....set up the boundaries.

[Missing my Jr]

Sam, Kate and Cara's Mom, thank you so much for your kind words and comfort. It's heartbreaking feeling so helpless. I use to sit and wonder what was my purpose here on earth but never in a million years imagined that it would be to find justice for my son. I went to the American Consulate to demand a further investigation but they said they couldn't help me that I needed to get a lawyer. How could this be? When a American Citizen was killed while visiting under the hands of such corrupt force. Please God give me the strength and guide me to the right place/people that will help me to find the truth on what happened to my son Jr. This is such a sad sad story all my son wanted to do was find a job to take care of me, his little sister Jade' and his younger brother Abel. He wanted to be a music producer and all his dreams were shattered and taken away within a blink of an eye. I'm in tears I just don't know how much longer I can go with such horrible pain. Bless All.

[Jeff's Mom]

I am so sorry that you are having to endure such a terrible ordeal. Please know that others here are feeling your pain. Please continue to keep posting. Keeping you in my prayers.

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate...if I could....I would be right beside you tonight to share this night 'to remember your child'...

and then we could 'remember our boys' together....

You have to have learned by now there are people that walk the earth with a strain of 'meanness and hate' that flows through their veins....they can look pretty on the outside...but they know what their weakness is....and they have learned to parasite off of 'good and strong' people.

They have also mastered the art of 'pulling strings'....to get a reaction out of people...and then they can step back and say...'See how angry that person is'......

And the innocents walk into the trap every time...

We have many around us that can be an example of 'how to be' and 'what can be'.....

but the most important lesson is to have those that show us 'how not to be'....they are the ones that make us have a lot of inner homework...and it is a good lesson for 'they' always seem to get 'away with doing so much bad'...and never having to 'pay' for it.

They will pay for it....but we will never know in what way...for they will never...ever let you know how their life bank statement became bankrupt.

I and many on this site have 'those kind' in our lives...and in our grief we are so vulnerable to 'the wrongs' that we allow them to have center stage at times.....that is simply normal....then we 'see' them for what they are....and we move ourselves back to our center stage. We are the 'stars' in this life play....we are the brave ones...the broken ones who rise every morning and decide to put our grief in our hearts and carry on...the best way we possibly can. I think we all deserve an Oscar.

I do believe you have described a person with sociopath tendencies. The million dollar question is how to deal with them when they are your close relative. Thank you all for your support. I will think of you tonight and our angels.

[Mermaid Tears]

Missing my Jr.....

So sorry to hear of your loss...and please let us hear about your SONshine boy....and please remember to 'self care'....you need to be very kind and gentle to yourself at this time....you are broken...your heart is shattered....and there is no rhyme or reason left in your world...remember that grief is very heavy....and can cause physical harm, too....that is why it is very important to 'go easy' on yourself. We are here to listen and reach out with our hands to help support you in this grief journey. We do not have answers to any questions....we simply have a common thread of grief in that we, too, have lost a child. We have found that we can come together and understand what our pain and heartache is like....and we can share.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I just saw your post. I'm so glad you got this news and are finally starting to see the possibility of justice for Jesse.

Shannon