Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I think what you are doing is wonderful. I agree with Susan, who better than you. It's so important to have our Children remembered. I know this will help the hearts of the families in your church. It's good that you are sharing what you've learned in your journey to help the church reach out to others. I know your so tired. I've been feeling that too. I hope you're able to rest and have time to take care of you.

Susan,

I loved your walking story. It does sound like your Doc pulled a fast one but it worked. The "cow poo-poo" line made me smile. Yes, there are things we will do for our kids that we may not do for ourselves. I keep reminding myself that especially now, if I'm to be the Mom the Boys need and the person Trista would be proud of, I have to stay strong. Self Care, as you stressed to me when I first came here, is so important.

Becky,

Thank you for sharing the pictures of Jasmine and J.D.. There is so much love in these family times. I loved seeing the age progression as they grew. Trista loved that cartoon too with Chucky and Angelica. When I got pregnant for Zak she threw a fit because I wouldn't let her name him Dill Pickles.

Lora,

I'm glad Jared was able to honor Cara at the Day of the Dead alter. It is really interesting to learn how others cultures embrace and honor those who have passed. Thank you for sharing the link.

Debbie,

On November 1st it will be 5 months. Just that amount of time seems so long, too long to be without my Girl yet it seems like one long nightmare... days bleeding into more days and just yesterday she was here, safe. I get signs and messages from my Trista too and yes, sometimes it seems I close myself to fully experiencing when I'm in my darkest times. I know our precious Children just want us to feel their love all around us. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers for you.

Dee,

I'm glad you are healing. I wish it weren't so slow. I hope you're able to get back to your walking tomorrow.

For the past couple of days I've been busy. I have a room in my house that used to be my office when I was working from home. It's small, not much more than a glorified closet. In became, especially in the past almost 5 months, just like the corners of mind... the place where I shove everything I can't deal with right now. If it wasn't a Child, a pet, or a bill that needed paid now... It went in that room. So, I spent the better part of two days cleaning and organizing. I was expanding on Laurie's suggestion of creating a sacred space. In my house, with a four year old and teenagers in and out, I needed more of a private space. I put a small, cozy chair in here with my books, sketch pad, laptop, pictures of my kids, and things that are just mine. I also moved Trista's shelf in here. I have my Mother's Angel she gave me, a couple of her fairies, and some other small things that are "her" along with her picture and the special candle I light for her. Today I added a special candle that I dedicated to all Beyond Indigo Children and all Children gone too soon. For those that I've met here and the Children whose names I know, I wrote them each and I will light that candle each night when I light Trista's, with a special prayer for them and their families. Now, I have my healing space where I can go to do whatever my heart needs.

My Grandma came yesterday to stay a couple of days. She loved the space I made for Trista. She said she lights a candle for her each night in her room at home but would love to create a spot like mine. When we went shopping I saw a small fairy doll I picked up for her. Then I went to the dollar store today to get a few things and saw a small crystal Angel on the clearance shelf. It was similar to my Mother's Angel that I have on Trista's shelf but it was smaller and had a verse on it. Right beside it was a small votive candle holder similar to mine except it had a butterfly on it and mine has dragonflies. When I gave her these things to create her space for Trista she cried.

We went to Trista's site tonight to light candles and read The Raven and Nightmare Before Christmas. It's supposed to be bad weather here tomorrow night with very high winds. Grandma wanted to be here to do it with us so we did it tonight. It was the perfect spooky Halloween night, with a thick blanket of fog. Aiden loved being there at night and seeing all Trista's lights. I felt close to her tonight while reading but had to stop to let the tears flow quite a few times. I miss her so much.

Wade,

What Brooks' friend said about him was so beautiful. It filled my heart so I know it did yours. How wonderful to know, even if his time was short, your Brooks touched so many.

I'm thinking of everyone tonight and sending wishes for peace and comfort.

[Mermaid Tears]

I watched the whole video Laurie...thank you for posting that....and thank you, once again for sharing what you learn...glean...capture...on your journey....

I guess that is why we come together....if we share...we learn...we are healed..comforted...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I watched the video too. Thank you for sharing it. It does help so much to be able to connect with all of you here to learn, share and just hold space for each other.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I really want to try to explain how I'm feeling but I just cannot seem to find the words. My heart is shattered, I ache clear to my soul. I'm just lost. I'm wandering in circles. I keep marking the trees so I know where I've been but somehow I keep finding myself back in the same place. I'm so lost. I go through my day, try to keep busy, try to do the right things but everything is empty. I'm empty. I'm so sad and I just miss my Girl so much.

Shannon

[lovU2themoon]

"Wanda, thinking of you tonight.."

Laurie, i think of you too, as well as others on this site who's heart aches for their kids.

Lane would have started grade 12 in sept. a nice girl from the Grad committee call yesterday and said they were going to sell lanyards in memory of Lane with proceeds going to Grad. I was deeply touch by their thoughtfulness, Lane had very few friends in school, but i believe his loss made a huge impact on those kids, because of his aspergers they didn't take the time to get to know him, something i think lots of them regret.

Shannon, its unfortunate you don't have some of the resources we have here for grief. Not to say all of them are great, but if i can take home one thing, i think it helps.

I have had some bad couple of days also, sometimes it so painful. Our hearts are so broken, and we miss our kids sooo much, i think i am still numb and in disbelief that my Lane is no longer here.

My thoughts are with you Shannon, as we go on this journey, i can only offer my prayers, and a virtual hug,

I know Halloween is a tough time, as our kids enjoyed decorating and dressing up, I am going to my mom`s, i cant be at home, my daughter and i will hang out there.

Wade, I hope you find strength with the Compassionate Friends Group, the one in my city is hit and miss. sometimes other people are there, sometimes its just my daughter and me and the facilitator.

Becky, i love your pictures.

As we all know, what a difference a year makes. Lane at Halloween last year.

[ericasmom]

Love to you all, I have read all of today's posts now, but need to go to bed, I will catch up sometime tomorrow. I am going to name Your Sweet Babies as I fall to sleep.

My heart-

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you for thinking of all of us. You are an inspiration and a blessing. I hope you get good rest and wake up without pain.

Wanda,

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Yes, this is so hard and our hearts and arms ache for our Babies. I'm glad that Lane's class is doing something special in his name. I know how hard school can be for kids who don't fit the mold. Tris had Asperger's too, very mild and most didn't even realize unless they were told. She just seemed "different". Up until we moved to where we live now she had a really rough time as she was Trista and would not be anything but even to fit in. I love that about her but also knew how she struggled with making friends. My nephew also has Asperger's. He has few friends but is quite content with that. My Zak is the same age and they are close. He's gotten close with quite a few of Zak's friends when he comes to visit. My Sis says he has more friends here than at home. I'm glad that I live in place so open and accepting of differences. These kids know now that they missed the chance to know a beautiful soul. Your Lane did make a difference in these kids hearts and that is something they will carry with them. That picture of Lane at Halloween touches my heart. These times are so hard but it's the memories that will carry us through. I'm glad you're able to go to these meetings. I agree, if you can walk away with one tool that can help you navigate and find your way in this completely foreign land then it is worth it. I know that feeling of numbness and disbelief. The shock has not gone, I realize. The fog has lifted a bit and I'm able to function somewhat better but I'm on autopilot. Thinking of you and your sweet Lane.

Shannon

[wgreenlee]

Reading all the posts and just praying for everyone. So warn out. I know it will be ok some day, but that's not today, or tomorrow, or a week from now. Can't get Brooksie out of my head. Everything keeps coming up and I can't be ok right now. And I know that's ok. You all have so much empathy and love that it takes my breath away some times. Your words of comfort keep me going.

I think of your angels all the time too. There smiles are so wonderful to see. Lane on Halloween, Trista on the bridge, Eri in the tree, Jared on his board, Jesse on the tractor, John David helping at the hospital, Emily getting ready for Beauty and the Beast, Cara at graduation, Yana singing, Brian, Alex, Char, Jeff, Rich, Laine, Mike, Jessica, Stephen....God, please be with us all...please...I call out to you to give us peace.

I so much wish that none of us were here. I wish I could jump through this computer and give everyone a hug and tell you it's all going to be ok. And it will be...but our journey is long and the road is rough, but I have to believe that we will reach our destination with our sanity intact, the beauty of the world still in our heart, and the love of our children flowing from our lips. I want to honor my son so much with a testament of my life, but I feel so inadequate right now. My life is passing me by and right now I hardly know it. Fifty-two days without my son. Twenty-four years and we talked almost every day. Now this... Lord, I need your comfort. I need you to show me the way. Please don't forsake me. I prayed every day to you for my son...every day. Answer my prayers now. You promise that if we never waver you will answer us. I need you now.

I miss you son more than ever. My beautiful, loving, caring boy. Always ready to help no matter the time...no matter the difficulty. Never a word of anger. How can I live up to that, Brooks, without you here. I was always there for you son...and you were always there for me. Sing to God Brooks. Sing with your loudest voice. Let heaven hear you...let all creation hear you. All the love I can give is your's....forever. Never wavering...never faltering. I will be ok Brooks because I know you're ok. Peace is with you. God is with you. I will be with you. You will not be alone tomorrow. I will be there for you all evening...playing music for you and keeping you company. I love you, son...Dad

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Welcome Home....

I did this picture at about the 5 month mark. It was how I pictured him, and the only thing that gave me any peace at all.

I still struggle with flashbacks of information and pictures that were a part of the investigation following my son's death, and recently looked at pictures that I took of him in the funeral home the day before his funeral service. At that time, I never noticed the bruising not quite covered by the makeup on his right cheek, or the tip of his nose that they had repaired as well as they could... to me, at his service, he looked perfect, just like he was sleeping. Now I find myself wondering how other people saw him, not in the level of shock that we were in... maybe that explains why we were cheering people up, telling them Jared wouldn't want them to be sad, and I even remember asking people, doesn't he look good? OMG, they must have thought we were crazy.

Wade, Shannon, Laurie, Wanda, Lora, Barbara, Susan, Debbie and all those that haven't been on this journey for very long, you do WHATEVER it takes to move you forward. No, our children would not want us to feel so sad, but we are human, and this un-natural loss is bound to be marked by tears and sadness, and a profound change in the people that we once were. I take hope from others here that have been on this path longer, and say that it gets softer in time, but that timeline is going to be somewhat different for each of us.

Prayers for each of you, and appreciation for the time you take to honor not only your own angel, but to honor ours as well. Just precious!

[ericasmom]

Wade, that exhaustion and weary feeling is so prevalent in those first months of grief. You have gone back to work and that work that normally invigorates you also depletes, I know as a teacher how it did both for me after the loss of ERi. THe kids here provided me a reason to live in the moment, but it was hugely tiring too, and I found myself so depleted, sleep was very elusive during the first two years. I read book after book after ERz died by authors that also lost a child;

PAULA by Isabelle Alende

The Sum of Our Days also by Alende

Name All the Animals by Alison Smith-( she lost her brother)

These three books are memoirs that read like fiction, beautiful stories that show the changes that occur in families. The sad and inevitable changes and the ways we change are evidence to the life altering event that changed us- a blink of an eye one simple blink, and the world turned upside down. Reading has always helped me, I must and have a book that greatly interests me to read just before bed and during the night if I wake. It helps me to not focus on my anxiety but to be in someone else' story.

Since those early days and months, I began reading a ton of fiction and non-fiction that holds the theme of loss, it is what i can most identify with.

Shannon, slowly my back is healing, I will see the chiropractor at 4:00 today so he can tell me whether or not i can begin taking walks or not. It definitely has slowed me down. I remember well Shannon, those days of walking in circles, the unending circles of our grief, the unending circles of our love. We circle and cross our own paths trying to find some nugget of home. HOME! Home is gone, you are gone so my home is gone.

THese are lines from my poem HOMELESS.

Love that you created a little nook for you, for you and your Girl. The Girl of your Dreams.

Susan, I absolutely love your walking/doctor story, what a great doc, knowing just what was going on. Lovely.

Wanda, I love the photo of Lane, so sweet.

I have had many students that are considered to be kids with aspergers and with autism. Different degrees of each. We are pretty great with our students that have any special needs here, there are many services though now aspergers is no longer a heading we can use and all fall under autism. That worries me for parents and adults with aspergers as it may prevent some of the benefits later in life.

Our parade here at school may be inside as the rain has been coming down since midnight and is supposed to continue through the day. Oh well. Fun will be had nevertheless.

BOO to you all-

Eri loved Halloween, that first one without her I went dressed as Charlie Brown----"good grief"

[Mermaid Tears]

Wade...I see you posted at around 1 AM.....as Dee has said....Grief is very, very heavy...it is a physical 'emotion'....to carry....sleep patterns are simply sleep chaos...no pattern at all....

that is why ...we stress...that you simply have to 'self care'...no one can do it but you...and we also say...be very kind and gentle to YOURSELF......for your emotional breakdown...can lead to a physical break down...and you don't want that burden on your family. The way a person functions 'after' has no relation to how the person functioned 'before'.....all the songs are out of tune for now....so just hum along as best you can.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I went back and found your poem Homeless. I printed it because yes, it's very much how I feel right now. Sometimes I read something but if I haven't reached that place yet it doesn't hit me until later. Thank you for sharing your poems. I struggle to find to the words to explain what's in my head and heart and your writings touch those deep places. I hope the appointment at the chiropractor goes well for your and you are on your way to feeling good.

Becky,

Thank you for sharing that picture. It's similar to an image I keep in my mind when I'm on my knees in prayer... My Child wrapped in all the love and peace of Heaven. I understand the flashbacks and I think when their are legal issues involved it keeps those details so fresh in our minds, bringing up those images again and again. I've said and done so many things in these first months without my Trista that I'm sure there are people who think I've lost my mind. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Susan,

"Sleep patterns are simply sleep chaos"... yes, that describes it perfectly. I can't sleep until 2 or 3 am. Then up at 7 am with my Boy, most days I am a zombie. I try to rest when he does because I know lack of sleep effects everything.

Thinking of everyone today. It's grey, rainy and windy here so I am feeling a hibernation day.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Wade,

This journey is long. Things will get softer in time, we will find ways to honor our Angels and carry them with us on this journey... Thankfully those here longer reach back to hold our hands along the way and offer us this hope. These first months are hard and yes, we have all these things to "handle" that just keep the painful things so fresh. I think it was Becky who said once that she is ready to focus on her Son's life instead of how he died. It's hard to handle all these things and especially when the pain is so raw but the world moves on and no one says, "Hey, it's okay. Don't worry about this until you're ready." And so we do what we do but I'm so thankful that we can come here and share knowing that there are people who get it. Sending thoughts and prayers for you and Renea.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky....I think all of us have that 'picture' of our child being held in Arms of Love...

and....I, too, find myself 'second guessing' even the smallest of things...in looking back...and I found it was a torture for me.....please know that you left 'no stone unturned' and your boy would not want you to be hard on yourself....we all applaud you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Trista....many are thinking about you today....knowing you have your SONshine boys to lead on...with all the Halloween memories that will be hand in hand, too....

Many on here do not have the small children as you....many of us have GRANDchildren...

and we know....we have to keep the traditions and celebrations intact for our families...

it is a double edged sword....so....with that said.....know you are thought of...cared for...and we are here to lift you up ....and yes...I do believe your Trista girl is covering you and yours with every whisper she can say in your ear...am so glad your Grama is with you...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Thank you, Susan. Your words help today. It's been a hard day. I thought I would be busy with things for the Boys but the weather is bad and so all the Halloween things have been rescheduled for tomorrow night. Thank you for your thoughts and kind words.

I saw this online today and it and even more so, Dee's poem Homeless, put into words where I am right now. I am so empty and lost right now, I have a hard time even finding the words. Most days I say to myself, "I just can't do this. I just can't." but it's not a choice. I have to do this so the question becomes How. How do I do this? I don't know and so I go in circles trying to figure out how.

Thank you for thinking of me.

Shannon

[mikesmomrs]

Wade posted: "I so much wish that none of us were here. I wish I could jump through this computer and give everyone a hug and tell you it's all going to be ok. And it will be...but our journey is long and the road is rough, but I have to believe that we will reach our destination with our sanity intact, the beauty of the world still in our heart, and the love of our children flowing from our lips. I want to honor my son so much with a testament of my life, but I feel so inadequate right now. My life is passing me by and right now I hardly know it. Fifty-two days without my son. Twenty-four years and we talked almost every day. Now this... Lord, I need your comfort. I need you to show me the way. Please don't forsake me. I prayed every day to you for my son...every day. Answer my prayers now. You promise that if we never waver you will answer us. I need you now." WADE: Even in your newness to this journey, you understand much...your words are prayers, your thoughts are prayers...and both are gifts to us as you post your innermost feelings...even those of us long on this journey...thank you. So many here post such words of pain and grief, and this is the place to do that...but you all also post words of hope, even in your deepest moments of grief. This is a blessing to all of us. My journey with the loss of our son has been just over 7 years and I have learned much...still traveling it, but have learned much..and healing has taken place over time, though it goes on....but my journey has become complicated by the loss of my husband, Mike's dad. He grieved with me, every day, and we progressed through our healing together. I've begun that healing again on a different level, and I treasure the love and support shown here...as we've all said many times, "here, we get it." Thank you all for being here. My love to everyone. You are all in my prayers and my days are made easier to move through knowing that you are all here, offering such love and kindness and support.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee....I don't think I have read your 'Homeless' poem....how did I miss it ?

And...that is the truth....none of us had a 'choice' in this....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Carol,

Thank you for sharing that us newer ones help in some way too. It's such a blessing to be able to come her and I'm glad that our presence helps others too. I was glad to see your post today.

Susan,

No. None of us had a choice and given a choice would never have chosen to be on this journey. And we don't have a choice in following the path to where it leads us and learning to live without our Precious Ones here with us physically.

I wanted to share this thought that I had. Ever since yesterday, when I read The Raven at Trista's site for her, I've had this feeling that there is a message for me there. The Raven, I'm sure seems a very odd choice to read at a cemetery. On the surface it seems so very hopeless and I admit it was very hard to read. However, The Raven has been such a part of our tradition on Halloween and one created by Trista. She just loved having me read that poem by firelight or candle light, depending on the weather, with much drama. It was, to us, just a "spooky" poem. One in which the rhyme and measure sounded like an ancient incantation and fed into the fun of "spooking" ourselves. But last night, the poem was so very different for me. I've always known the story line but never had it hit so close to home. In the poem I met a man so overwhelmed with sorrow and grief. A man teetering on the brink, looking for answers to the questions in his soul. I "watched" as he was pushed closer and closer to the edge, not by a bird, but by his own mind... as he continued to ask questions that could not be answered especially by a bird, who was after all, just a bird. He was looking for answers that could only be found inside himself. Anyway, in this very sad poem, I found another gift from my Daughter. I felt like by using this poem that is such a part of us, she was helping to guide me out of this place that I'm in. I may not have a choice in being here but I do have a choice in where, when, and how I go from here. Just my thoughts.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Shannon....as I have said before....you are thinking 'good'....your heart is broken..your faith is shaken...and everything in your life has turned upside down....but you are doing 'good'...just hang on with both hands.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie...you ok ? I watched that video again this morning...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dreams

In my dream today, I was telling someone my son died one week ago…

My mind can “tell” me what the actual number of weeks has been, but my heart does not believe it…and cannot believe it…not yet…

I hate typing out the “D” word…

---

I am a little sick today...been sleeping most of the day...

Shannon, Your room sounds very restful...it is good to carve out a space like that..

Wade, your writing to your son is so touching...

Kate, thinking of you and Ross today...wondering how the doctor's appointment went...

Carol, good to see your post...

Becky, I have that same picture in Jesse's room, it is a great comfort...

Dee, hope your chiropractor appointment goes well...your poem Homeless says it all...

Susan, as usual your writing is so soothing...

Wanda, that is so beautiful that Lane's class is doing something to remember him...of course, we all think I don't want my child remembered, I want them back...

Gretchen, it is good to see your postings when you can...

Lora, how are things with you?

[Mermaid Tears]

Good for you, Laurie.....sleep is healing....and there comes a time when my body hits a wall...sheer will does not have any force against complete exhaustion....and our body will stop us in our tracks when it is pushed to the limits....and grief will push us to outer limits we have never known....a paradox for sure.....

but sometimes we must surrender and curl up with a warm blanket...wrap it around our broken spirits and hearts....and simply ....rest.....

[ericasmom]

Ahhh the revelation Shannon, that while we had no choice in our being in this sad new place, we do have a choice in what and how we move on from here. It does not feel like it sometimes for a long long time, but there is choice. How can we move from this space to the next? How will we answer people when they say things that are offensive, how can we include our Girl when she is not physically present, there are many questions whose answers will be up to you. Oh it is not easy, but eventually you will gain a tiny measure of control back by making these decisions. Those tiny bits are like gold, they teach us a new way to look at riches.

Laurie, feel better, keep getting sleep when you need, just like Susan said, self care is such an important piece to this, and a choice as well.

Carol, congrats to Boston Red Sox, I know that you might be smiling as the team that your family roots for takes the trophy again.

Hey, Sherry's computer only worked that one time with us and it went back to not being able to access BI. Don't know why either. She sends her love and her hope.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I've begun that healing again on a different level, and I treasure the love and support shown here...as we've all said many times, "here, we get it."

Thank you all for being here. My love to everyone. You are all in my prayers and my days are made easier to move through knowing that you are all here, offering such love and kindness and support.

I so agree with you...I really think it would have been hard to not have a "place" like this to go to....other people can offer support but unless they lost a child, they cannot know, neither would I want them to...

When I first came on here, I remember reading your posts, they really spoke to my heart...wishing you a good night's rest...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee, how did your appointment go for your back?

Missing Sherry too..

[Jeff's Mom]

I miss Sherry too! Dee, how is your back? What did the doctor say? Shannon and Wade, I know how hard this is to get through the initial first year. Heck, it has been almost four for me. I still am spinning from the shock. I can only offer that we hit a billion peaks and valleys as we walk the walk. Allow yourself those down times and do not be too hard on yourselves to pretend to others that you are fine. Be honest. Look after yourselves and allow your heart to find that place of peace. You need to heal. I wish I could offer a magic balm to erase this pain. Just hold on to this...They know we love them...and that will never, not ever die. It is not the end...it is a temporary absence. As hard as it is...they can see us and know how much we love them and are struggling to survive without them. They will be so happy to see that we are able to continue and find the inner strength to keep going. Oh yes, it is hard. Harder then anything we ever imagined we would have to shoulder. But their love for us and ours for them will hold us up and keep us going. Love truly never dies. I am reading daily and holding you all close. Love to all, Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you, thank you. I also know that just because I "know" this tonight doesn't mean I won't find myself in this same place again...but since I have been here before, next time... hopefully, I will recognize it and remember what I have learned. Again, I've said something that sounds like it makes no sense but to me... tonight... it does. I keep thinking of this T.S. Eliot quote: "We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time."

Laurie,

The "D" word is hard and I do not say it unless I have to. I'm thinking of you tonight. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Susan,

Thank you. I am holding on and trying so hard. It feels good to read from you that my thinking "is good" because sometimes I just feel crazy.

Kate,

It was good to see your post tonight. Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement and your realism... letting us know that this is long and hard with many twists and turns but there is hope.

I wanted to post this song again. It was shared before by, I think, Dee and Gretchen? I wanted to post it tonight for Halloween and in Honor of all of our Angels. If it wasn't such a rainy windy night I would be out there dancing for my Trista and the Beautiful Others.

Inspired by Lora's post and other articles that made their way to me the past few days, my Boys and I did an alter tonight in Honor of Trista Mae, and our loved ones on the other side. I lit my special candle for all of our Angels on the alter too. It was a beautiful healing thing for all of us.

My heart and prayers are with all of you tonight.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Shannon, thank you so much for thinking of our children! I am happy to see that you are feeling a bit better after your special evening with your kids. Where we are situated in the country we are in a fairly isolated place. We have few children and so there are rarely any children visiting. The few we did have stopped after Jeff died in the house. We started to hear stories of rumours of the place being haunted due to his dying here. I still continue to buy candy, but no one ever comes these days. More for us to enjoy. Their loss I say. Oh my, how gossip can hurt people. He would not have harmed a fly. How ignorant people can be. Wishing you all a peaceful night and sweet dreams of your precious sweetie. Tomorrow is another day. Love to all. Kate

[Mommysangelisabella]

This is my first post here . Ive read everyones tonight and i hv everyone in my prayers. This is the first noment ive sat still today. Ive ran threw this day with my eyes closed praying and putting on the happy face for my boys. Today is my first holiday without my daughter . She has been an angel now for 36 days . It almost seems forever at times but right now at this second i once agen find myself unable to breath. I miss her , i miss every kick every hucup , every dream ive had for her. I was holding up well untill i ran into some mommy beautiful mini mouse, she had to be around a month old . My heart dropped but i pushed on . I took my boys to church tonight as we always do,but tonight for the first time in unkown years i dressed up. Im talkin full on 50s i then took my isabellas headbow and placed it in my hair. I had to bring apart of her along with me that i could hold on to. I know we all love our babies more than life itself , i just pray the next holiday is easier but i dnt see how it thanksgiving then christmas . I just keep thinking this isnt right , this isnt right shes supose to be here. Im supose to be finalizing things before she comes. My baby shower was last sat. It came and passed , no one called no one tx, no one bothered. Everyone including my family seems to hv moved on . Its like she was born into heaven on sept 24,2013 by sept. 26,2013 i was at home alone with my 3 boys and weve been left this way except for her memorial when everyone showed. I hv a mom ,dad and three sisters who all live in my town. Is it wrong to think hea tx me say how are you? Ask me over , ask me anything ! I want my daughter back so bad i cnt breath. My oldest broke tonight hes 9 he suffers from adhd combind with severe separation anxiety. but hes lost alot in his short life more than most adults loose in their entire life. My middle son is in the process of diagnosing but they are saying its a good possibility he has Aspergers . I then hv my 3 year old wich society would say is normal. Life has always been active in my household and never easy but always always always a blessing. I know mt boys arent the easiest but is it wrong to think it would be nice if one of my other family members could ask to watch them for a few hours? Hea what about when the older to are in school. I hv no time to morn . I am a full time mom \dad with boys who on top of their disablitys are now ib morning themselfs. Theres is always to much to do between school homework tutoring after school art class awannas ( church club) teaching my 3 year old entertaining him trying really really hard to repotty train him ( oh yea he regressed after his sister died ) house cleaning , praying my car makes it threw one more day ( its leaking oil bad ) praying my income continues ( i was disabled at work a few years ago ) life isnt easy but i just want to know as we all do why my baby why now ? I get god you wont give us more than we can handle but come on god i already live in whats coined the getto part of my town with a broke car disabled a family who here for me when its good for them 3 amazing boys who hv their own struggles but no father to reach them what a real man is but now god you take my baby girl. The joy my family was looking forward to the first girl to be born in 17 years. My oldest talking to her every day all three boys decorating her room picking out her cloths. How do we truly move on? Each day is a fog somedays worse than others but it feels wrong , i feel like a robot at times but its bot right my boys deserve me a real mom not a robot on autopilot . How do i fix this ? How can i become the mom they need agen not just the mom whos goung threw the motions smiling hoping they wont notice . Yes i hv cried in front of them yes ive told them why i dnt hide that but i cnt keep doing it forever. Anyways this post is really long sorry , these are just my thoughts of right now. Thank you all for being here , thank you for reading this and everyone is in my prayers

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Isabella's mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your little angel. I will pray that God will give you strength, as you have so much to deal with. You have landed in a soft place, where there are parents who have lost children of all ages. We understand your pain, your ache for your child. Come back and post as often as you need to, and we will be here to listen.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Jared believed in fairness, equality, peace, and that we should work together to help each other, instead of thinking only of ourselves.

[Mommysangelisabella]

Thank you angel boy of mine it means alot to me

[Jeff's Mom]

Isabella's Mom, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious child. I agree with Becky completely. You will find a supportive group of caring parents here. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers today. Wishing you well. Becky, thank you for sharing your prayer with us last night. It was just what I needed to see. In the still of the night when there is little else to distract us from our thoughts we can so easily begin that all too familiar downward spiral of sadness. The aching and longing seems so much more intense. You would think that after almost four years I would be able to make a better job of this. Life's happenings has a way of making Jeff's absence seem so much more difficult at times. He was such a positive young man and offered his friendship to all. Decent to the core. Thinking of you all today and wishing you peace. Love, Kate

[mikesmomrs]

Sorry...dble post.

[mikesmomrs]

Wendy, I too am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Isabella.you have so much on your plate and I am also very very sorry that you do not have the support of your family as you and your boys begin this sorrowful journey please know that all here truly understand. it does seem cruel when others just move on and think we should be over or through with such a tremendous loss that has broken your heart. we do wish so much that they understood but the only way they could do that is to go through the same pain by losing one of their own and we would never wish this on anyone. yes, your boys are suffering this loss also especially since they did so much to get ready for her. It must be very difficult for them to understand. I am glad that you are there for them, but as you say you feel as though you are being a robot mom because you don't want to be breaking down all the time in front of them. They do need to know they can still rely on you, but they also need to know that you two are suffering the loss... It is a fine line and difficult to balance sometimes. My prayers are with you. We are here for you. BECKY: Thank you for the beautiful prayer. KATE: so very glad to hear that Ross is holding his own. DEE: hoping your back is coming along and the visits to the chiropractor are helping. I am doing physical therapy for some fibro flares that are being stubborn. It seems sometimes that treatment for one area brings up a flare in another. SHANNON: I love that you and the boys did an altar for Krista. I am sure she is so very proud of all of you.

[ericasmom]

Isabella's Mom, I wish you to one day feel peaceful but it is a ways down the road. Your lIttle Girl will always be yours, unfortunately, many don't understand that a Mom has the love of a lifetime when a baby leaves to Heaven. Just because they are lost before others got to know her does not negate the love nor the hope and the plans for the future and I am so very sorry that that has changed so drastically. Your boys may need some help from the school social worker to help them through this sad time, and yes, your tears are real and it lets your Boys see that they can cry too, that those tears help rinse through us and let us show others that we ache.

I wish you so much love to surround you. Maybe you can let a sister know that you need support right now, maybe they just don't know how to help you right now but you can let them know what would help.

You need to show your kids that you are taking care of YOU so that they see that sometimes we have to nurture ourselves. Your hormones are going to rollercoaster as well, so I will pray for you to have some support in your life.

Becky, lovely prayer.

Kate, prayers for Ross' tests to come out clear.

My back is getting better for sure, today I could go for a walk after school and so far today, not wearing my brace.

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you Becky.....we know how deep you had to go...to create that amazing prayer...

but then again....many on this site know the reach of your talent....and you are using the power of prayer to bring forth beauty from the ashes.

I am going to copy it and place it here in front of me....so I can read it every day....

it will have a different meaning to me....because I will know it came from a Mom...like me...who aches and wails...rises and falls...questions and argues...sobs and smiles....for her son.

[Jeff's Mom]

Excellent news, Dee! Hope you are able to go for another one of your much loved walks today. So healing and peaceful. Carol, Ross and I were so happy to see The Red Sox win! I bet those boys of yours were beaming alongside you as you watched the game the other night. Thinking of everyone and wishing you a decent weekend.

[Mermaid Tears]

Isabella's Mom.....many, many on this site will know just where you are....and know how your arms and heart 'aches and breaks' for that Baby girl....and I am just so very, very sad that this has happened....I would think your boys need to see you cry...for then...you let them know it is 'ok' to cry....and tears are all we have somedays. I can imagine how hard it is to grieve and care for the family....you mentioned going to church....can your 'church family' give you a hand up ? I find that sometimes....kindred spirits...kind people....can be much more supportive than family.....many find the 'family of friends' do more than blood kin...and you must let them know you need someone to 'stand in the gap' at this time. We must tell you how important it is for you to 'self care'....be kind and gentle with yourself....for you have had an enormous emotional break.....and if you do not take care of YOURSELF ...you can have a physical breakdown....and we know you don't want that to happen.....just take baby steps....one hour at a time...one day at a time....it is a hard journey....and it just hurts so bad. I will pray that someone can come and give you some kindness and support. Angels are everywhere. Please come and post anytime....let us hear how you are doing. Peace to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Dee.....happy to hear the good news of healing for you.....did your 'GRANDdaughter' get dressed up last night? We are having some great weather....for South Texas...I think we only have 15 days out of 365 with low humidity....this is one of them. When you have time...could you please post your poem about 'Homeless'...??

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Isabella's Mom,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Baby Girl. I'm also sorry that you aren't feeling the support of your family. Many of us know that feeling. I think in many cases they just do not know what to do. You have found a good place with people who will listen. Please post whenever you need and share with us. I also have a 4 year old and a 14 year old so I know how it is to go through grief and loss while trying to be strong for my Boys.

Becky,

Thank you for sharing your prayer today... the prayer of your heart. It helped me today too. I've read it a few times this morning.

Dee,

I'm so glad you're feeling better and will be able to get back to your walks.

Kate,

I'm sorry last night was tough. Yes, the ignorance of others can really hurt. I guess the only thing we can do is teach by example in living our best life but it doesn't make it hurt less. I'm also so sorry that your family can't be there for any type of support. You've so much to carry right now. We are all thinking of you and sending prayers for strength. I'm glad you got good news on Ross's tests and the news that your Son will be home at Christmas. At least there is a little sunshine in the storm. I'm feeling very lost right too and I'm sure with the upcoming holidays we will all feel that pull. I'm glad we have this place where we can all hold out a hand to each other.

Carol,

Thank you. Doing the alter was a really good thing for me and I think the boys. Aiden of course is very young but he enjoyed placing the things on the alter and talking about who they represent. Zak really seemed "into" it too and it definitely helped get me through a rough night.

Today is five months since my Tris left and it's been a tough day. I've been ready just to go back to bed and stay there but I'm holding on. Tonight is trick or treat for the Boys and I'm going to be strong try to focus on enjoying this with them. Definitely been feeling that pull into the downward spiral and I'm fighting to keep my head above water. I will.

Trista Mae, I miss you with all my heart. Let me feel you close today.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

YES Susan, My little Beauty was dressed as Princess Leia...and her cousin Maxx, my nephew's son, was Darth. Erica Elizabeth had a knit hat with wound up looking braids on the sides. It was so darn cute. Her lovely Momma was the grown Princess Leia, her own hair wound into side muffs. I will get photos when I can.

Thanks All, my back is healing, I did not take a long walk this morning as it was rainy and so dark. I will go later on and then this weekend start back into walking daily again.

[Guest]

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[hopeful40]

Wednesday, October 30th was my birthday.(Although I DID shed a tear or two). I promised my daughter and myself...it would be a day of cheer and elation. You see, last year this time, Yana, rang the doorbell, came bearing a birthday greeting (singing Happy Birthday); a bouquet of flowers; a gift and a card. We spent the entire day hanging out together. Had dinner out, drinks and lots of merriment.

Today, my darling dearest returned to me. She DID NOT forget my birthday! I was led into a room of ALL her artwork (of which I have not gone through since her passing)...as the projects for them were on the bottom of my list of things to do. I sat down. Pulled all of her portfolios over to me, art envelopes, etc.. Slowly sifted through her works. (Realizing at that time, the depth of her talent), I was amazed at my finds.

Ayanna returned. I discovered a birthday message she had written for me in 2001 in rough draft. She had not used that message for that year.

It was on a scrap piece of paper. And to make it even better...I went through another stack of her work and found an ANGEL she had drawn. The angel was dated 12/18/02.

My birthday was complete. I immediately went to one of her photos, kissed it...and thanked her for remembering me. Yes! Even in being removed from my home, to God's Home--she still continues to carry me in her "heaven's heart."

To end the day on a good note. One of her ex-boyfriends and two of her very close lady friends, were at my door with a birthday cake, food, drinks and a present, to celebrate my SPECIAL day. What a beautiful surprise!

Thank you God, for a WONDERFUL, MEANINGFUL day. Yes! God is GOOD ALL the time.

(I miss my Yana sooooooooooo much, it hurts really badly.)

Ayanna I love you more than you will ever know. Thank you for the BESTEST day I've ever had.

I love you, Snow Cone.

Your loving Mom (Pumpkin)

Sending Prayers to EACH one of you. May the good Lord give us all...the strength to get through this difficult time we face.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Barbara,

I'm so glad your birthday was filled with the love of your Beautiful Ayanna... through her friends and through the perfect love notes from heaven. Yes, your Ayanna was with you. You are forever her Mom and she is forever your Girl. Those bonds cannot be broken. This is such a hard and painful journey but your heart is filled with HOPE and LOVE. Reading your post today filled my heart too and gave me a little bit of hope and that I so needed today. Thank you for sharing your Girl with us.

Shannon

[Guest]

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[Mommysangelisabella]

Thank you all for your thoughts it helps alot. Today is worse for me than yesterday though. today ive kept bussy after sleeping two hours last night by cleaning house but in all honesty all i want is to crawl under the covers find a hole and stay there. I want so bad not to feel this pain today. I know i cnt just crawl in bed and stay but i want to , or how bout getting held, god this sucks. What else is there to say but that right. I need to go back honestly i think and just block it off agen. I love to hear about everyones angels and life as it is now it helps. Thank you agen everyone all my love

[lovU2themoon]

"Wanda, I love the photo of Lane, so sweet.

I have had many students that are considered to be kids with aspergers and with autism. Different degrees of each. We are pretty great with our students that have any special needs here, there are many services though now aspergers is no longer a heading we can use and all fall under autism. That worries me for parents and adults with aspergers as it may prevent some of the benefits later in life"

Thanks Dee, yes aspergers is a word of the past, PDD-NOS it think is the new term which does leave alot of those who have milder form not getting the help they need, Lane was fortunate to be diagnosed thru the school, and some of his classes were modified, but he sailed right thru, he was very smart, but social skill, and making friends was not his strong suit. He had very few friends, although he had a circle of online friends that he gamed with that were amazing. from all over the world. They would meet at the same time of the day and game for hours. They are missing him so much these days.

Lane worked so hard to overcome and achieve goals he set for himself, we worked together and making him the best he could be.

He was on the top of the world when he died, best school year yet, and then it all ended, for him, for me, for us.

Everyday is so difficult, and he was such a huge part of my everyday, its so hard to have him no longer here.

It just hurts so bad, as you all know.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Isabelle mom, I am sorry for the loss of your dear little one...try and take care of yourself, I bought some of the Emergen-C products as they are very easy to take (powdered vitamins to add to water, they are at Walmart), and maybe some soothing tea...these are just easy things that may help...

I had a small infant that died as well, he was 6 weeks...at the time, I was not given the environment to properly grieve him...many well meaning people tried to make me just push forward, my arms hurt for weeks...it is allowing yourself that space to grieve your loss, how long you need to and in the way you need to...

That is what I learned from losing Taylor...

Here is a link to Compassionate Friends on infant loss, maybe not all will apply, but I have learned to take what I need and leave the rest....

http://www.compassio...fant_death.aspx

*******************************************************************

Been reading the posts from today...

I will be visiting Jesse's gravesite today...plan on adding some more lights..

One small piece of comfort I received today...From Isaiah 25

"God will destroy death forever: and the Lord God will wipe away the tears from all faces..."