Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sorry, guys, I have been reading your posts each day, but have not been able to write. The last two days have been so hard...

I deleted what has had me down, if interested, pm me and I will share it with you.

My daughter is feeling better, thanks to each of you that asked about her.

Poem that came to me in October of 2012;

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Emily, Emily, beautiful Emily!!

We shout out your name, on this your first angelversary! Let your mom feel you near to her today, wrap your arms around her on this day and the days to follow.

[mysonrich]

Debbie, I hope you don't mind, but when I read of the kite that your daughter made with love for her sister , this picture came to mind . Emily, you fly free on the breeze as does this penguin. Corny as it may be, it brings a smile to see him up there with the sun at his back, little arms ( flippers?) in flight. May your mother and family feel the peace one day, in remembrance of you. One day.

[mysonrich]

Susan, Shannon, Lora, I always thought Rich had the most beautiful hair. He commented one day that I seemed to have an obsession as I always commented how nice it looked. Well. It did. Pantene I guess.”Back in the day” I thought that at such a big, fancy event that Rich should look in place. Of course now , who cares. Why did I? Appearances? So that he would fit in? Doesn't matter. Richards hair is what I concentrated on when viewing his body. My mind said, that is really Rich.

I've been sorting through my fathers things, still. 2 years later. The other day I pushed,pulled,tugged, lifted a 4 drawer file cabinet he had for years. After I got it into the truck I couldn't believe I actually did it. The scrap yard weighed it at 160 pounds. My upper body strength is lacking due to past illness and my help just broke 2 toes. solo. As crazy as it sounds, I think I had some help . I'll call it an upward draft of wind.

Dee, I hear from Betty on FB from time to time.

I dropped my laptop the other day and the charging portal was pushed in. As long as There isn't a whisper of air, it should work until I take it apart, ( you tube video repair guide. 10,000 screws) or take it in somewhere, it should continue to charge.

Always thinking of you all and our angels on the wind.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Hey Betsy,

take the laptop somewhere. If the connection point for the charger is pushed in, it is most likely going to need to be soldered. The 10,000 screws aren't too hard to take out, but much harder to put back in... don't go there!

[mysonrich]

ok Becky

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Emily,

I'm saying your name out loud today to honor you. Please be with your family today. Show them in all the ways you can that you are near and wrap them in your love.

Debbie,

My thoughts are with you and your family today. I hope you feel the presence or your sweet Emily today and always.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

And....they flew...

[Mermaid Tears]

I haven't a lot of time now....but want to send prayers for the parents..family...friends that come to this site for comfort and healing....may the gift of Grace come to you today in some form...it may be a word...a song...a letter or card...a smile from a stranger...a hug from a dear one...or just being still and know that your loved one is 'OK'.....

[shorty16]

Rich's Mom

I read your post about how beautiful Rich's hair was. I had to comment.

When we went to the hospital to see Brian, I ran my fingers through his thick, brown hair. I too loved Brian's hair and would run my fingers through it, much to his dismay. Brian would wear a knit hat in the morning to control his hair. Both of my other children are blond with stick, straight hair, but not Brian.

Thinking of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[shorty16]

Emily, Emily, Emily, Emily

Saying your name out loud.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[lovU2themoon]

"Wanda,

So sorry for your heartache yesterday. Sending any strength I have to you. God, please be with Wanda and give her YOUR strength to find peace in this incredibly hard journey. Help her to find those things that will bring a smile to her face and some peace to her heart. Amen

Thank you for your kind words, i think of you often as your grief is so new, and your broken heart over the death of Books, our sons died a month part.

"Wanda, totally understand those sleepless nights…I have found a small lamp with a nightlight bulb that I use which helps me…I do not like total darkness right now…

When I go to Jesse’s bedroom it is totally overwhelming to me, so full of him, it makes my soul cry out that I literally feel like my insides are being torn away…I am careful how much time I spend there for right now.."

Laurie, i too now feel anxious in the dark,, i dont spend as much time in Lanes room as i did in those early days, but if i feel the need to be close to him, i will go lay on his bed, hold one of his shirts close to my face. But yes, makes my soul cry out, those are perfect words.

Thinking of you all who come here to find peace.

EMILY EMILY EMILY SAYING YOUR NAME ON YOUR ANGEL DATE.

.

[ericasmom]

May the sun set tonight on the wings of an Angel named EMILY...sending a rainbow of light and hope into the hearts of all those who gather in her name.

EMILY-we sing your name like a song.

[hopeful40]

Good evening to all. Have not been on for a few days. As we know...some days are good...others tend to keep us in a dark place we choose NOT to be. This is what

happened to me. (I imagine I am thinking of the dreaded 27th day coming shortly.) Ayanna, went to be with the Lord on that very day. My heart just aches for her. I miss and love her so much. It's so hard accepting I WILL NOT be able to hug, kiss and joke with her (always exchanging the "I love yous," with one another.) Such a loving, kindred spirit was she. Always concerned about others...giving, sharing and caring. I constantly told her how so very proud of her I was. She lit up a room when she entered. When she spoke, she captured your attention and heart. A person so FULL of positive energy!

I ask her and God, to please, please give me the strength to carry on. This introduction to grief is something, I know I'll never get used to. Just pray the load will get a little lighter in time. Now? Now. It's difficult to deal with. Had to renew my driving license and apply for car tag today. Concentration was removed from driving--mind was on my child and memories. Tears found their place on my face once more. Almost had an accident. God, was with and watched over me. Thanked Him many times for protecting me and the other driver.

Must close now. Tears wish to re-introduced themselves to my face again.

Thank you all...for offering me comfort and a hand out, when I am in need. (And, it appears I NEED all the time.)

Prayers to each of you. May you have a safe weekend.

Ayanna, (as your "Nana" used to say to you), "I love you with ALL my heart and ALL my might." Peace be unto you. Continue to give me signs and strength

to keep on keeping on.

I love you, dearest "Snow Cone,"

Your Mom ("Pumpkin")

Barbara

[shorty16]

Ayanna's Mom

The days, dates and times of the year are all etched in our brains. First, Thursdays at 930 pm were hard. The day and time of Brian's death.

Then, the 19 th of every month. That went on for quite a while.

It has been 5 years for us. Now Thursdays and the 19 th are bearable. June 19 will always be the date my son died. Then July 12, Brian's birthday, he died at 16 years old. Never reaching manhood.

Please be kind to yourself. It is OK to cry. I too had very little energy and everything I set down, I lost. Concentration eludes us. Joys we used to have, do not have meaning anymore.

This will change overtime. Concentration will return, days will become more tolerable.

We are here to listen.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4 ever

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Debbie,

I hope the beautiful things done in honor and memory of your beautiful, Emily brought some peace and comfort today.

Wanda,

I don't sleep in the dark either and I've kept a light on in Trista's room always. Sometimes I go into her room a lot and sometimes it's just too hard.

Becky,

I had the chance to read what you had written and my thoughts and prayers are with you. I think the poem you shared is beautiful and I truly believe those are the words that Jared wants you to here. He's speaking to your heart to let you know he's safe and always with you and you will see him again.

Betsy,

I agree about the laptop. Take it in somewhere. My son broke the screen on his shortly after I bought it for him. I watched the youtube video and thought I could do it myself. It seemed so easy. I did it but NEVER again!

Colleen and Betsy,

I also had to comment about our Children's hair. I was forever trying to play with Trista's hair. She had the finest, baby soft hair. She would get irritated with me too and say I was messing her hair up.

Barbara,

Those dark days are something that we all know. I know your Ayanna is drawing so close to you during these times. I'm glad you were watched over and are safe as well as the other driver. Everything Colleen said is so true. These dates on the calendar and the days leading up to them are so hard. You and Your Ayanna are in my thoughts.

Lora,

That picture of the jack-o-lantern is so very Trista. It's neat that you shared that. Some have Trista's friends have decided to carve their pumpkins in honor of Trista this year. Her friend Abby wanted to do a Jack Skellington one so I will share this with her. Thank you for thinking of my Girl. I love the pictures you shared of Cara. I love her smile and there are so many happy, fun memories in those pictures. The one with the beef jerky made me smile. Trista loved beef jerky. When she stopped eating meat that was the hardest thing for her to give up. We tried all the alternatives but she said they were not the same and not even worth it. The plaque is beautiful. Are you going to have some time off this weekend?

Wade,

Thank you for sharing what Brooks wrote to his friend in her book. It is truly beautiful and so perfect in so many ways. I'm sure you are so very proud of him.

Laurie,

"it is an honor to learn more about one another's children...the small stuff is so important to remember as it is the daily fabric of what was our lives...."

I so agree with this. Learning about all of these Beautiful Children helps my soul in ways I can't explain. Having all of you to share with is the one thing that's gotten me through these first months without my Trista.

I've had such a hard couple of days. A very close friend of Trista's really needed help. She sent me a message and I brought her here. She didn't feel she had any where else to turn. She was in crisis and honestly, I had know idea how to handle it. It's not something I've ever been through with Tris so I didn't have experience to help me with this one. With lots of prayer and asking Tris to help me out with it we got through. Some of the time we were talking, I'm not even sure where the words were coming from but they sounded right so I went with it. This afternoon, together, we called her Dad. I feel good and I think she does too, about the communication that was opened up today. Now, I'm completely wiped out. I truly believe my Girl helped me through this.

I'm thinking of everyone tonight. It's a weekend and weekends are so hard for me. I'm going to work on a Halloween collage of pictures of Trista from past Halloweens. Those things help. Once the boys are settled for the night it's really hard.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening with heavenly dreams of our children...

...Just very tired today....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I saw this online and wanted to share.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

loved...and holding every posting close....

[wgreenlee]

HONORING EMILY TODAY!

Laurie,

That was such a special pic on heaven that I had to post it to FB. Exactly how I feel. Sometimes I wish I had just encouraged him to live with us and then none of this would have happened.

Barbara,

Good to see you again. You're in my thoughts a lot. Praying for you.

Bought a few more solar lights for Brooks. They sure do light up his site. Actually fell asleep in my lawn chair while visiting him today. His good friend came and joined me, and then a mom and dad of a friend of his came too. Little party for you son! You are loved!

Prayers and thoughts always on my lips and in my mind for all of you...

Wade

[Guest]

.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks to each of you that read my post about speaking to the paramedics that cared for Jared. I deleted it, because I didn't want to upset anyone that's already struggling with their own memories, and because of all the legal issues.

Shining a light in the darkness.....As long as I have breath.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susan, I loved your earlier post with the "to do" list, and saw this and thought of you!

[hopeful40]

Susan, I loved your earlier post with the "to do" list, and saw this and thought of you!

I simply LOVE...:LOVE this poster. Am going to print out and hang in my office.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Barbara. and anyone else interested, I dressed up the poster somewhat for you!

[Mermaid Tears]

Sending this out to my friends...will be going to San Antonio today with Randa and Taylor....to see Austin as 'Brad' in the 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'.....many of Randa's friends are joining us there...

Lora...when do you think we will get over our 'cocooning' stage...I really have to give myself a 'power talk' and adjust my attitude...to be in the right frame of mind to do...'fun things'....I am not a negative person at all....I just don't want to 'do things'.....once again....my family needs me to do things with them....they need me, too...and need me to be their 'Nonnie'....and Mama....it is all a part of the journey.....I think of each of you...and say small prayers with your name and your child's name each day.....Peace to each of you.

[ericasmom]

Becky, the lit up billboard of your sweet Boy is amazing, a work of deep love and devotion, of honor and a legacy. I too read your piece about the paramedics and I was crying for the details that they gave you, both devastating but so filled with the care that your Jared had surrounding him. A juxtaposed image really. I am so glad that you went to see them. Jared is smiling at the strength of his Mum.

To All, the last week has been super busy with school stuff, we were on a full day field trip on Thursday and just so busy each day, I am reading and shaking my head yes along with what I read and praying as I read...you are all living in the light of your Child, even on days when it seems very dark. Each of you are loved beyond limit, just as you love beyond limit.

Love the posters!!!

Love the conversation about your Child's hair and those tangible things that we miss so, that we remember so clearly. Please God, let us always remember so clearly these wonderful moments with our Children. The simple times of holding a hand and giving a squeeze, the times of deep laughter and friendship, the rub of our Child's hair, singing a song down the block together...endless and wonderful memories that take us by the heart strings and fly us like a kite, glimpsing the world beyond.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, the sign for Jared is so filled with loved...it is a wonderful job...I love the new lights...

Lora, I am sorry for your experience at the retirement party...I don't work outside the home right now...but I am sure my former colleagues would be just as awkward...I just have a few that fall into that category...what is strange is that it is my supposedly BFF...who has went to church for years upon years...our babies were born together...yet when it comes meeting Jesse's passing with me she runs away...very far away...

I have been so extremely tired lately that I can barely get through the day, so this is going brief...but wanted everyone to know I am thinking and praying for those here...

Thanks Wade, for your kind prayer the other night..also, I shared with my husband some of your writings for your son, he very much liked that...he does not have anyone to share with like I do with this forum....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I just wanted to stop in to let everyone know you're in my thoughts. I do think of all here, all the children, and pray for everyone each day. I've been reading the posts and can relate to the loneliness, the cocooning, all of it. I also avoid many things because I don't feel capable right now of "putting on my happy face". I'm tired... so so tired.. of pretending I'm okay, telling myself and everyone else that I'm okay. I'm not okay.

Shannon

[wgreenlee]

I also wanted to just stop in for a bit. Creating "our" slideshow and putting in some music, but it's very hard. How much kleenex is in a box? Needed a break. Your children are so awesome. So many smiles and good times. Cleansing my soul with tears of loss, but of remembrance for our precious angels. If you have any favorite music you want just let me know.

You are all in my thoughts. Praying for some peace and fulfillment today.

Wade

Nevada Day...couldn't really get up for the parade, but watched the balloons take off and took this from Brooks' site. Thank you God for such a beautiful day!

[ericasmom]

That complete tiredness that hits us is a real real symptom of grief. It is totally wearing on your mind and your body and soul. All parts work together in our lives, when our hearts are broken, our other parts are broken as well. There will be some healing time, things will begin to repair in a new way, but it is not now, so now you must take as good care of your body as you can. Sunlight and some vitamins, a walk, naps and more naps, gentle foods, nutrients, water.

Laurie, maybe your husband will begin to come on as well and share his hurt...

Shan, pretending to be okay is something we all do, admitting that we aren't is an important step to finding ways to be okay. How could we be okay? WE can't at the point you are in grief, but we will be one day. You are very independent, as am I, most of us, so it is hard to say you are not okay because it implies you want help from someone and likely, someone's help might drive us crazy...but sometimes that help let's some sunlight in and takes a load off.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Wade, i just send you some music files (email) that were some of Jared's favorites, and probably some other angels here too, as they were popular songs. Can't wait to see your finished slideshow! Thank you for doing that!!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

I also wanted to just stop in for a bit. Creating "our" slideshow and putting in some music, but it's very hard. How much kleenex is in a box? Needed a break. Your children are so awesome. So many smiles and good times. Cleansing my soul with tears of loss, but of remembrance for our precious angels. If you have any favorite music you want just let me know.

You are all in my thoughts. Praying for some peace and fulfillment today.

Wade

Nevada Day...couldn't really get up for the parade, but watched the balloons take off and took this from Brooks' site. Thank you God for such a beautiful day!

Wade, thank you for working on the slideshow...I do have one more picture of Jesse...

Dee, yes grief is so exhausting...maybe some vitamin c too...I have just been so wiped out lately...

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[wgreenlee]

Wanda...to you the same about Lane. We're new to this journey and nothing is right with the world, but I do know we will get through this. Together, we shall all see good come again to our lives. We will never forget, but we will remember in a new way...at least that's my hope. Sometimes, I still almost text or call Brooks, or wonder what he's doing, and then I catch myself and can't believe it's real. It still feels like a dream. In some ways I just can't accept that he's gone. But Renea and I continue to move forward and go about our daily lives in a way that would honor Brooks. I want to yell at the world, but that's not really me, nor was it Brooks...so I quietly go about my grieving in my own way.

Listening to Charles Stanley right now. He's talking about how God knows what's going to happen all the time...whether we'll be alive in 5, 10, or 20 years...Oh, how I wish he would have intervened...but I know there is a plan...just not too happy with it right now, even though I'm sure with all the faith I have that Brooks is with the Lord, singing to Him every day.

Hoping everyone has a nice, relaxing evening. If it's cold where you're at...get a blanket and keep yourself warm...and think good thoughts and precious memories.

Gonna visit the carnival that's next door in the park and look at some smiling faces...God give me a little peace tonight!

Wade

[wgreenlee]

Laurie,

Have to admit that's my favorite picture. I think it really shows what kind of person he was. I bet there were no obstacles he found too daunting. Brooks did stuff like that too...sometimes to my chagrin... I want to get a tattoo of remembrance for Brooks, but I'm a little afraid. C'mon Wade you big chicken.

Let your husband know he can call or text me anytime, or email me if he wants to chat. 775-400-7465 or wade405@yahoo.com

Becky,

Got the files, but I have a Mac so working on finding a converter. Or I can use my school pc I think to download and then transfer the file to my Mac. Thank you...Can't wait to hear them.

God, please be with all of us here as we continue to grieve for our children...comfort and bless as only you can...

Wade

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Wade, Sorry!! I shouldn't assume everyone runs windows!! I have resent them converted to mp3. Hope you can open them!! Thanks.

[Guest]

.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you Lora! You made me realize, with your story about the 70 year old man who had lost a boy so long ago, that it seems that everyone I have reached out to in my efforts to reduce the speed limit here, had lost someone close to them, and so I felt that I was being heard and understood. The State Senator that went to DelDOT and argued the speed limit, had sat here in my home when we first met, and told me that he had lost an 11 year old son, 50+ years before, as he is now 80. There were tears in his eyes as he spoke of him. His boy was run over by a neighbor in a neighborhood that had a 40mph limit, and it was immediate, as with my son. The other legislator that came here with him, had lost a 70 year old school teacher right in front of their Christian School, hit by a motorcycle that was passing someone in a no passing zone. The man in charge of MD roads, whom I contacted dealing with the speed limit issues, as we are on the state lines, had lost a friend of his as a teenager, also on a country road. I didn't know these things when I sought them out, simply trying to make contacts to help us in our quest. No coincidence, not at all, they were not just lost in crashes, they were all PEDESTRIANS!!

I believe our angels are instrumental in guiding us and leading us where we need to go.

Laurie, I love that picture of Jesse David!! Oh my gosh, did it make me laugh! Thanks for sharing it!

Dee, thanks for making me look up a new word today!! Jared was constantly using new words... he was amazing.

Shannon, like Lora, I think I am putting on a brave face, and that people can't tell how sad I am inside, but my own sister told me today, how she could look at me and tell how wearing this had been on me, and how I have changed. You know what, it is what it is. All we can do is to try to move forward, but we cannot leave them behind. I carry him with me wherever I go, and always will. I am not going to apologize for loving my child, and needing to continue to love him and always always remember him.

Thank you all for always being here. Thank you for all the ones that have been here for years, and continue to guide us and give us hope. I have been here two years, and want to get to the place where I can offer more hope and can attest to happiness again, but for sure am not there yet.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky and Lora,

Thank you for sharing what you've dealt with as far as other people not understanding and putting on the brave face. I don't get upset really that no one really gets it around me because honestly I don't tell them. I definitely always try to keep it positive for others. This place gives somewhere to share how I really am feeling. Also thank you both for sharing the stories about the people you've met and stories that have been shared along the way. It reinforces for me that like Becky said, Our Angels are guiding us and leading us where we need to go.

Becky,

The lights on the sign look so nice. Whenever I see the pictures of the sign my heart just fills. I'm going to be fighting a fight similar to yours very soon to get a speed limit lowered. I'm picking up where others have led because this fight had been started before Trista's accident and if people had only listened...

Wade,

I'm really looking forward to the slide show too... To seeing our Angels together. Thank you so much for doing that.

Laurie,

That picture of Jesse brought a smile to my heart.

Dee,

Thank you. Today was such a low day for me but your words lifted me up a bit as always. I do have a hard time asking for help. My Grandma comes the closest and she helps so much with the day to day things when she comes but I just can't bring myself to let her know how hard I'm struggling. I'm sure it would just make her feel helpless and I don't want to do that to her.

Today was just a break down day. I know we all have them. It's getting harder in many ways instead of better and I know it's just part of this. Today those tears... that are always behind my eyes... just wouldn't stop. I had some time alone so I screamed for the first time since that night I really really screamed. I cried, literally sobbed, all the way through shopping and didn't give a crap who saw or what they thought.

I came here to read tonight and that helped me as you all always do just by being here. Then I got on Trista's facebook and saw some of the jack o lanterns that have been done for her and posted to her page. While I was on facebook I got a private message from a woman who used to date my brother. I really liked her but things didn't work out for them. I haven't talked with her in years. She saw through a mutual friend a pumpkin done in memory of Trista and she realized that I'd lost her. She lost her Daughter, Taylor, on June 16, 2012. Just a little less than a year before I lost Trista. Her Daughter was just 21 years old. We talked for a long time. So, thanks to people who reach out even in their own pain, I got through another night.

Trista, I miss you so very much. Today was a dark day but I still feel your love and direction through all of this. I want so badly to hold you but I know you are with me in all the ways you can be. I love you, Chicken Noodle. Love, Mom.

Here are some of the pictures of Jack-o-lanterns for Trista

Madi (cousin) and Savannah (friend)

These were done at my Brother's house. He said they made the whole night about Trista. He couldn't believe that the pictures turned out "weird" because he used his phone and has never had that problem. Madi said she thought Tris was with them and her energy messed with the pictures.

Another picture from my Brother's house

From Nana

Camara's jack-o-lantern, she took it to Trista's site.

Ashley's jack-o-lantern

From Sidney and Abby

From Emily and Katrina

From Camara

[JD's Mom, Becky]

[shorty16]

Watching The TV show, Sunday Morning and the U Tube video of Ben Breedlove. He experienced heaven at least twice before he died.

On June 19 , 2008 at approx. 8:40 pm, I got the phone call that no parents should receive. "Brian has been in an accident. It is really bad, come down here"

As I stood up to run to my car, I was stopped in my tracks by something that flowed right through me. This "something" made me feel NO FEAR at all. The feeling was a mixture of wonder, love, excitement, and about 20 other wonderful emotions. Remember, I had just received the dreaded phone call.

After this "something" passed through me, I thought "ok everything will be alright". How wrong I was.

It was not until 1.5 years later that I was reading a post on this sight and they posted "I felt her go through me". It was then that I knew the gift I had experienced. Brian's spirit went through me when he died. He was not alone.

That feeling was wonderful. I truly know that Brian would not want to come back to this world, because the his place now is so wonderful, far beyond anything we feel here.

I also know that I received a gift from God. A knowing that Brian's spirit is alive and very happy.

Please, know that all our kids are there.

Thanks for listening to me.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[ericasmom]

Colleen, I saw that same show this morning, a true wonderful affirmation from an amazing Boy who knew where he was headed and left this gift to all who fear what comes next. What a testament to faith and to knowing that there exists a great place beyond. His parents were wonderful and his Sis too. I will have to get his Sister's book. I am glad that you saw it. Apparently his utube is world watched.

A bright and lovely walk with my Daughter in law and my Grandgirl. So sweet the times we share, so part of the tapestry of our lives, the colors that are knitted into us through the love in our lives.

[dsmurph]

Thank you all so much for your beautiful words and thoughts. Friday turned out to be a blessing for all of the members in our small family, a little tiny piece of healing together. I know Emily was watching and smiling as she watched her little sister run and each one of us share some special memories as we released one balloon at a time and watched as it made it's way into the heavens. It seemed like the ones that my husband and myself released danced their way up as we played Emily's music.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Colleen, thank you for sharing Ben Breedlove's video...and for the experience you had with Brian when his spirit was heaven bound...that heaven is indeed a real place...I downloaded the video to keep...

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Debbie, thank you for sharing with us about your daughter Emily...it was good that we could lift you and your family up on this day of remembrance...

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Thanks Wade for your offer...it is very kind..

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Thinking of everyone tonight...may you all have a restful sleep...

[Mermaid Tears]

reading the posts...Colleen...yes...I have something to relate, too..later....

[gravastorm]

Alex "came home" to me also. It was over 14 hours later that I got the call and I knew in that instant what that feeling the previous evening had been. I know when his spirit left despite the official TOD.

The spark of life is not created, it is shared.

Had a comforting lunch with some of Alex' friends to toast his birthday today. The conversations, memories and plans for the future are so varied and yet they carry him, each of them in their own way, into their futures and that brings me such joy.

Happy birthday boy, I love you always.

I've been reading thru the posts and have found such eerily similar feelings and experiences expressed, right down to the first year being the hardest. This is true in so many things, marriage, business, school, work, following a dream, it's like the standard pass/fail period for any endeavor. We endeavor to survive what amounts to an experimental surprise surgery. We need physical and mental recovery from our trauma. The fog is the bandage keeping our wounded psyche under wraps until some healing has started. Let yourself be protected if you can. Instincts will not fail you in this. I know trust is some foreign concept now but trust yourself anyway. It does get easier to go on.

[ericasmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday ALEX!

May you fly freely and in joy-making sure that you make your presence known to Mom...She will always love the date that brought you to her world.

Gravastorm- prayers for deep communion on this special day.

[ericasmom]

Debbie, I am so glad that your family shared a time of healing on Friday--Emily must be so proud of you all, finding ways to honor her and staying connected even in your deepest sadness. Those are not easy endeavors and I wish you a continued sense of healing however slow it seems, it is how we find our pieces; one shard at a time.

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos.!! Yay! I think that I've found a way to access

the site, now. It's late now, but I will come back tomorrow to post.

(Hoping that this will get me back on)

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[wgreenlee]

Happy Birthday, Alex

.

I will toast a Diet Pepsi in your name.

Sherry...glad to see you. Haven't really chatted with you. Hope to more often.

Debbie...I, too, am glad you found some time to share good memories of Emily...so sweet...with a warm smile that I'm sure lit up the room.

Gravastorm...warm thoughts to you on Alex's special day. I read with interest about the first year being the hardest. I know I am still in a fog. Here it is 3:36 am and I'm just wandering around the house, and needed to come on here. Don't even care that I have to get up for work in a couple of hours. I do feel like I'm in a dream fog...and there are moments when I'm almost certain I can wake up and everything will be like it was...and then the moment vanishes and I catch my breath, my heart beats faster, and I realize everything about my life has changed and it will never be the same again...It's broken and I can't fix it...EVER! But your words do help me knowing that I can move on and it will eventually get a little easier. Thank you.

Dee...your words always give me comfort. They are soothing and give me that moment of peace that makes it's easier to go on. Glad that you had a beautiful walk with your daughter-in-law and grandgirl... Renea and I walked over to visit Brooks yesterday and it's nice just to get out and let nature do it's thing...although we did cut through the carnival with it's smells, sights, and sounds.

Colleen...our children are in a better place. I believe someone else also said that they wouldn't want to come back, because they get to focus on God every day in a way that we just can't understand, nor comprehend. I long for that right now. I will have to watch that video. Maybe not quite yet...but I will.

Becky...beautiful picture...so serene and peaceful. I'm adding it to the slideshow. It's how I want to be right now. Quite an eclectic sampling of music. They were perfect. Can't fit them all in...but I did some editing to shorten some of them up and I think it will be ok.

Shannon...what a beautiful tribute to Trista that her friends made those pumpkins. I am going to invite Brooks' friends to do the same and leave at his gravesite. I am "happy" to do the slideshow. My way of dealing with the grief, I suppose. Always helped Brooks with stuff like that, and I do video notes and solutions, etc. for my students so it fits.

Lora...it does help to see all the good times that our angels experienced. Helps me to think of Brooks in that manner, instead of the "other." I catch myself looking at the pictures hanging on the wall and smiling thinking of the memories, even though I still avoid them at times. Putting the slideshow together makes me smile and cry, but it's a good cry if that makes any sense. Not the shoulder shaking kind. The amazing love that is reciprocated between a child and parent should never be hidden, even after they're gone. It's a part of us.

Well, my fellow travelers, a million thoughts and prayers being sent your way as we continue on this journey. Maybe the sandman will now take me for a couple of hours.

Always on my mind, son. You did good in your life, and your testament is amazing. So proud of you. Love you buddy...Dad