Loss of an Adult Child

[ronsmom]

Haven't written here all week, been in a couple times and see some babies being born (Congratulations grandparents!) and some more new people. So sorry you have to be here. Its 14 months I lost my Ron (july 4 2005) age 33...sometimes I think its still THAT DAY. My head is constantly tuned into Him, concentrating on projects or doing mundane things just doesn't cut it with me anymore. I sit and think. I've tried to find things to keep me busy but something always pops up to throw another dagger into my heart. Just a commercial, a song, a name, hits like a ton of bricks and takes me right back to the moment I learned he was gone. The shock has finally left me, and now all I have is the thoughts that I'll never never see him again. sometimes thats too much to bare. The tears start coming and I don't think they will stop but they do. I hate this new life of emptiness. Reading the posts here and having people to email now has helped me get through so many of these dark days. Thank you to all of you for being able to share this ugliness with me, it has helped.

QUESTION: has anyone heard from "forevermyjennifer" ?? He was writing when I first came in here and talking about the loss of his daughter and his wife was very ill and not going to make it, has anyone heard from him, or the progress there? I think about him alot, he's going through so much. My heart is so heavy and sometimes being in here it gets worse, but I still say the best thing is to know I'm not alone in this. The last thing I did with Ron was show him how to use a sewing machine, he was sewing some parachute pants, and my husband snapped our picture. He sent the picture to my daughter with a caption: "look at mom and Martha freakin Stewart"......its on my dresser mirror, and those pants are in my box with other memories. How sad, a "box" of memories...........

[mamabets]

For Lukesmom~ They say that that when you "smell familiar smells", your loved one is right there with you~ As excrutiating as that cologne smell was, I believe that Luke was there, helping to give you the strength that you wanted, to wear the black sweater- Little things like that are soooooo hard- I watched a video the other day that Danny and Jackie had made for me of Julia when she was just so little- Almost 2- Precious beyond words- Now, he has gone beyond, Jackie and Julia have moved away. But, as bittersweet as it is to watch this, I feel all of them near to me- I know that "smells" can be so painful, because both my Jackie and Liana, Danny's girlfriend, have experienced them. Danny's cologne, CURVE, followed Jackie one day- My Dad's pipe tobacco as well...She does get some comfort in believing that they are with her, but it is harder for her- She saw so much, images are in her head, as she protected Danny's wishes for me... She is my dear, dear child, I adore her and will never forget what she did for love~ You and I must talk soon~ I love you!! xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Dear Guest,i am very sorry for the loss of your son,i found at 5 monthes,i was crying all the time,i think the shock wears off,and you start to realize that this is forever,not that any time is any better,the grief just changes it's form,if that makes any sense.I loss my son Nathan,Jan31,2005,on his 21st birthday.I also have feelings of guilt at times,Like Daveydow said,as parents it natural to feel that we could of done more or done things differently.My son was found in a bank parking lot in 10 degree weather,after leaving a small bar with someone he didn't know,we still don't know exactly what happened,but sometimes i feel guilty because i gave Nate the ride there,even though he was a adult and would of found some other way to get there,i still ask myself,What if....Hope you come back to BI everyone here understands,we all walk the same road..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Ronsmom,reading your post i felt like i was reading my thoughts,i feel like that all the time,i think about Nathan 24/7 and how much i miss him,i think of all the events of that night,and wonder what went on,or what was his last moments were like ,and all these thoughts make me crazy,but i can't stop them,even if i try to stay busy.i also think of good memories of Nate to ,but then i cry because i miss him so.Iwatch other families ,and i wish i could have my life back to the way it was,instead of the emptiness i feel all the time now...ALSO,I saw Alwaysmyjenifer post on another forum,i'm not sure which one though sorry..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For Ronsmom~ Alwaysmyjennifer is often on the Beliefs and Religion forum- I Believe in God!! xoxo I hope that you are finding some peace, some of the time. This is a long, long journey, and one that WILL reunite us with our kids one day. I am knowing, more and more, that this stay here is but a blink compared to what our eternity will one day be. This is all that we have to hold on to, very often, as we continue to try to surrender to this life, as we now know it to be. However, when it hurts, it is torturous and so, so, so completely unfair. We all "get it" here, and you will find that the more you visit here, the more you are so completely understood. You have a "family" here, within each and every line. I love you~xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I guess we don't need anything to 'remind" us of our

dear children who have passed on, and it is entirely

understandable that you want to know more about your

son's death. I also wonder about my son's last hour

of life after the truck ran over his car. (he was

life-flighted to the trauma center--and died wihin

the hour). We, as nurses (I'm retired, though) can't

help but think about the cicumstances in a 'medical

way'. The Life Flight Co. sent me a copy of the step-

by-step procedures they initiated on Dave, (I never

asked for these copies). It was devastating to read.

I will keep you in my prayers, and hope that you can

get the information that you seek. Peace be with you

and your family.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Lukesmom,

When you mentioned the cologne smell on your sweater,

it also reminded me of the first time I smelled "Cool

Water" aftershave. I was overwhelmed by that smell

because it is one of Dave's favorites. Foods also

strike a chord as you said about the salmon. I felt

rather silly, in a way, when I saw the candy corn at

the farm market and got a lump in my throat. However,

feelings are real. No one can argue about feelings--

they are real--we don't will them to come on. Take care,

and peace be with you.

Sherry

[julsmom]

I am having a lot of trouble writing in the forum lately. I too am plagued with thoughts of Julie - too much time on my hands (not working again). As for clothes, the dress I wore to the funeral hung on the back of my closet door until our move. I washed it then and wore it yesterday to an interview for the first time in almost 3 yrs. I have joined a parents group (not CF) to help me through the end of the year. It will be 3 yrs on 10/13. Some moments it seems like yesterday. Peace to all. Lynda

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Thanks for your post, and for reminding me that there

IS something more than this world. That is the time

when we are reunited with our children who have passed

over before us. I do forget sometimes--especially when

I am having bad days. But, when I get back on track,

this keeps me going. Take care xoxoxo

Sherry

[mamabets]

For Julsmom~ Bless your heart... This is a tough time for you, with moving to a new area and all. A life altering change, even though you are close to your son!! All of you are in a "new" life, that will never be able to feel like a "new normal". I believe, however, in time, this will be a good thing and this move will prove to be helpful... I hope!!! How is your new home?? Cozy?? Tell me all about it and know that I will sprinkle something in the garden just for all of you this weekend!!! I love you !!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1~ You are right, and I always remember, when I am really struggling, that Danny will NEVER know this kind of pain- NEVER!!! We all have so much hurt and loneliness for him day to day, and what I would DO to take Jackie's anguish away, but I can't- So, we both keep remembering, that for him, we journey on. Knowing that he will never again know anything even close to this, because where they are is just BEYOND incredible, helps so much... That keeps me going, when all else fails!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Ronsmom, thank you for thinking and asking of us. I'm kinda here, but not really. I've hit that place of begging God or whoever with whatever I can muster to bring Jenni back. Not working. Ever notice that they just don't listen to our pleas for the ones we want back? It's heartbreaking. Again thank you so dearly for asking of my wife. She's not well at all, now spending most of her time in the care of a nursing home or nurses. She has begun to talk with the first daughter we lost by miscarriage, and during these times, there is no interrupting her, for she is in another world; she can't hear us at all. She also has had more strokes, and even attempted an overdose this week. I don't think she'll be with me much longer. I hope for Christmas, but doubt. I've had difficulties coming to terms with Jenni's death, trying to even say that she was murdered, which still feels so painful to me. I come here to read, but as often as I try to type, my tears run down my face and I can't. I love her so much, and the pain won't let me. I feel like I'm useless most of the time. If you would like to write more, please feel welcome to email me at my studio, at bluesbassist72@yahoo.com. (I'm asked a lot, and the 72 is the year I started playing professionally). What you wrote of the box of memories, please keep them forever. They are a treasure more valuable than all the gold of the world. Keep these treasures safely remembered in your heart. Ron is forever with you. Forever. You are a good friend, a good person. Please do something kind and special for yourself, to offer your heart a token of your own love and kindness. You are worth it. Please try to enjoy the weekend. My prayers are with you, that you may have all you need for today. Til then, Mark, Jenni's dad

[messenger]

ALWAYSMYJENNIFER.......................MAY THE ARMS OF GOD..........WRAP AROUND YOU AND COMFORT YOU TODAY...................YOU ARE GOING THRU SO MUCH AND I FEEL BAD FOR YOU.............WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU ..............................MESSENGER

[julsmom]

mamabets - thanks for asking, the house is ok. We rented sight unseen. It is a little large than we needed and may be a little colder this winter. We are about 1 1/2 hrs from Cinci (where our son lives) in Springfield. Sprinkle some purple flowers for Julie. Thanks. Peace, Lynda

[ronsmom]

Mark: so nice of you to take the time to come on and reply to me, I will surely write to you. You were the first post I began reading when I came into BI and your loss of Jenni cracks those peices that are left of my heart. I agree no one listens and no one shows us the reasons this happens. So unfair to be kept in this ignorance of the world of death.

I won't ramble I will be in touch, probably in the wee hours of the morning when I'm the most vulnerable! I so hope something gives you a peaceful moment today.

Bonnie

[mamabets]

For Julsmom~ Purple it is!! On my way to go get them now!! I love you!!!! xoxomamabets

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Bonnie, please do ramble. I enjoy it. It's nice to hear from someone who understands. I know I don't belong here talking about my wife, per se, but her health is changing daily for the worse. Thank you for your concern. I feel like my nites are much like yours. I spend mine in my studio, recording songs or ideas, whatever, so I can get through the painful lonely nite. Hope to hear from you. Til then, my thoughts are with you, with a prayer that you may have all you need. Mark

[mamabets]

For Julsmom~ We have sprinkled Lavender and...

*LOBELIA* for Crystal Palace!!!

xoxoxo I love you~ mamabets

[daveydow1]

Alwaysmyjennifer--- Mark

I also wondered how you were, and how your wife was

coming along with her illness. I'm so sorry to hear

that she is not doing well. I will remember you both in

my prayers. Also, the circumstances of your Jennifer's

passing are so very sad--it is no wonder you cry and

feel so lonely. I hope that the music that you create

will bring you some solace. Blues music can be soothing,

I believe. Take care, and Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[alwaysmyjennifer]

daveydow1, sherry, thank you. On the nites Jenni visits me, I cry a lot. I miss her so much. In time, I'll be with her, but it's such a long time to wait. My wife's illness adds to the pain. Thank you for caring. Yes, I do have many many tears. Sometimes, I'll grab a guitar to play, but as music is pure emotion, I spend most of my playing or recording time crying. I try to remind myself it's productive - the tears are needed in my sorrow. Please do take sweet and gentle care of yourself. You are so worth it, my friend. So worth it. Do get some rest, please enjoy the week ahead. My thoughts and prayers are with you. May you have everything you need for the day and moment. Mark

[ashleysmom]

Sherry, I am thinking of you and saying a prayer for you and your family. I hope that today and tomorrow you will have peace. I know for me the days leading up to Ashley's birthday are usually worse. Take care, Dottie

[missingchris]

I sit here this morning, sickened,( as I mourn the loss of my child )to read of the murder of 4 children. I just can't comprehend it this morning. This woman had children of her own. She took her friend's children and killed them one by one, ripping out the infant from it's mother. Maybe it touches me to the point it has because she drowned them, I don't know. I just can't get past it. I know this happens every day, to many many families. I don't mean to make light of their suffering. This particular circumstance got to me. Am glad we have The Caring Place and our CF meetings this week. I don't know if I could function the rest of the week without them. Thanks for listening to me vent.

[mamabets]

For daveydow1~ I see that tomorrow is Dave's birthday, Sherry- I have it on my calendar, and be sure to know that I wll sprinkle something for all of you in our garden here... Our gardenias are blooming again- NEVER bloom this time of year here!! I love you and will write as soon as I sprinkle seeds and blow them kisses!! I love you~xoxomamabets

[txlouise]

Hello,I am new to ths site.Mamabets has e-mailed me and told me of your wonderful group.I lost my beautiful 23 year old daughter March 18 of this year.She was a beautiful, smart,strong girl.She was going to collage and working.About 8 months before she died,she joined a gym [24 hour fitness]to lose about 10 pounds,signed up for a trainor and started working out.Little did i know the trainor told her if she took this drug,she could lose all the weight she wanted.The drug was cystal meth.She became hooked on it,almost died in Oct,was in the hospital,but by then it had destroyed her brain.The Dr's tell me the low lifes that make it put in draino and brick cleaner.By March,she thought deamons were after her and she hung herself.My husband found her.In just eight months this drug took a bright strong girl,first it destyoyed her mind ,then it took her life.My family and I are so destroyed over this.If you want to see the bright,beautiful girl keren was,pease visit her memorial site at http://angelkeren.virtual-memorials.com/ Thankyou,I will write more later.txlouise

[bokenhearted]

Hello,I am new to ths site.Mamabets has e-mailed me and told me of your wonderful group.I lost my beautiful 23 year old daughter March 18 of this year.She was a beautiful, smart,strong girl.She was going to collage and working.About 8 months before she died,she joined a gym [24 hour fitness]to lose about 10 pounds,signed up for a trainor and started working out.Little did i know the trainor told her if she took this drug,she could lose all the weight she wanted.The drug was cystal meth.She became hooked on it,almost died in Oct,was in the hospital,but by then it had destroyed her brain.The Dr's tell me the low lifes that make it put in draino and brick cleaner.By March,she thought deamons were after her and she hung herself.My husband found her.In just eight months this drug took a bright strong girl,first it destyoyed her mind ,then it took her life.My family and I are so destroyed over this.If you want to see the bright,beautiful girl keren was,pease visit her memorial site at http://angelkeren.virtual-memorials.com/ Thankyou,I will write more later.txlouise

txlouise

My heart goes out to you and your family. I know only too well the heartache you are going through having lost your beautiful daughter. My son (27) shot himself 25/4/2005. This was the result of taking ecstacy just one time. It left him a changed person for the same reason that we will never know what was in that tablet. He went from being a loving gentle guy to a very paranoid frightened young man. It broke our hearts to see what it did to him. These low lifes that make and sell drugs to our children not only destroy their lives but also the families concerned. Somehow we have to continue on with our day to day lives but it is so difficult. I will say it is the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I still have 1 daughter alive and I push myself to try to lead as normal a life as possible for her sake if not my own.

It is early days for you and I won't say it gets easier but I will say it gets different as time passes. Just take each day as it comes and do the best you can and be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve however you need to. I use to worry that people would see me cry but now when I have those days when I am set off in tear for whatever reason I just let the tears flow and too bad if others can't handle it. I do usually feel a little less uptight for awhile after a good cry. I then can pick myself up again and carry on.

This is a good site with many kind loving people in similar situations as ourselves. We will all be here for you.

Love and Hugs to you

Jo

[lorismom]

For Mark – I just wanted to say that I find your postings to be so heartfelt. You are such an inspiration to others. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I know you miss your Jenni dearly. I’m sure she is right there with you in your studio when you are writing and recording your music. I’m also sorry for all the pain you must be enduring with your wife’s illness. Mary has a remarkable man by her side. Take good care of yourself and know that you are loved by many on this forum. I will keep you and Mary in my thoughts and prayers. Patty

[cc66512]

TxLouise,, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you are feeling as I just lost my son Brian , April 25,2006. It is the hardest thing we will ever do. The circumstances was different for us . He had a blood disorder he had struggled with for 5 years. You can e-mail me anythime . CocaColaValleyGirl@sbcglobal.net

I will listen. God Bless you and yours..

Carole

[maureensmom]

Dear TXLouise, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter's death. Many of us here on BI have lost wonderful, talented children to drugs... My 20yo daughter Maureen died in December 2005 of a multi-drug overdose, before I really even realized she was in trouble. Her boyfriend was a heroin addict who was supposedly abstinent but in reality was using, and I know he was a big factor in getting her started on narcotics. I'm working on forgiveness toward him. The anger doesn't bring Maureen back, and it's bad for me. He just OD'd last week, but he didn't die. How do these things happen, this 34yo idiot is alive and my daughter is dead?

For my husband and me, we've got better days, and then awful days. Nights are bad, mornings are bad. The most useful thing my friends have prescribed is getting out of myself. I can't always do that, but it does help. I also cry whenever I feel like it, because it's how I feel, and it seems to temporarily reduce the pain. Please keep sharing here on BI - it's a wonderful place.

Georgia

[txlouise]

Thank you so much to everyone who wrote me.I would like to write each one of you,but i feel really down today.i have changed so much since i lost my daughter.Little things that used to bring me joy and happiness now of course don't.I feel like I am the walking dead.Alive to the outside world,but so dead inside.I really do not see how that is going to ever change.I can't bring my daughter back and that is all I want.i guess i should be glad I had 47 years of a good life.Not rich or famous,just happy.Now I feel a fear when I think I could live another 40 years living like I feel now.How will I be able to do that?To go on for 40 more years feeling no joy,no happiness,no hope for the furture,just saddness and heartache everyday?That would be the worst hell of all.I'm sorry i sound so depressed.i am so sorry for each one of you who have lost your beautiful children.What are we to do? Txlouise

[mamabets]

For TxLouise~ I welcome you into my lonely heart... You have helped me, as I try to help you! Your courage to try to gain some awareness into all of this, because you want to be happy again, will one day lead you to a certain kind of peace- Different, yet special, in that you will have all of us right there with you. In spite of the pain, new memories can be made~ I can't imagine my life, as I now know it, without all of these wonderful people in it. Keep coming here to us, and if you need occasional breaks from it, that too is OK!! E-mailing is good too!! You are now part of a group that will accept you exactly as you are, no matter what you are feeling- Trust me, and I think that I can speak for all of us here- There is nothing that you are not feeling that we don't completely understand , 100% of the time, because we too are on this journey with you!! A steady state of familiar among us all... Our angels are proud of each and every one us, every second of every hour of every day !! I love you! xoxomamabets

[lukesmom143]

I need everyones advice. I just don't know what to do. As some of you may know my son Luke passed suddenly in his home last November in Alabama. I was in Virginia and was not there until the day after. I was told he had a heart attack but was have had this feeling there was more to it. So about three weeks ago I called a doctor who he had seen briefly and who knew him at the gym he went too. He told me an officer that went to the house when my son died had told him they found steroids, cocaine and xanax at his house. He also said that it was very well known that my son and his fiance were big partiers, that my son was dealing steroids and I quote that my son was a freak, a freak at the gym. Today I called the investigating officer and he said there was no cocaine, no xanax, there was steroids and methadone. I am so pissed. I only found about about the steroids when my son died. I did not need to be lied to by this so called doctor. I have thought alot about that phone conversation and I tell you that man did not like my son. So he goes around telling lies? I am seriously thinking about writing the man a very long detailed letter and sending it. I mean here is an officer of the law running his mouth and lieing and a doctor doing the same. What should I do. I know I should just stop trying to find things out. For three weeks now I've thought my son was using cocaine and other stuff only to find out it was all lies. I know I brought this on myself but, I just need to know. It is as simple as that. What should I do?

[lukesmom143]

For txlouise....my heart is with you

You have come to a good place although lately I am of know help to anyone.

[ronsmom]

What a day, what a horrid horrid day. I didn't think there was a lower place than where I've been and yet today I found it!! So heartsick, so lonely, I just want to drop off the face of this earth. Why is it so hard, and why do we lose "ourselves" in this grief, I want ME back, I used to be so family oriented, so "mommy" of the world, funny, happy, content, Busy!!. Now its just bleak. Everything in shades of gray, I get so angry every morning now when my eyes open, its like "arrrggghhh" I'm still HERE....... one second changed my whole life. Family and friends have moved on and I'm still stuck in that moment a year ago that changed everything.

TXLOUISE: your heading on a long journey..a very long one! I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter, I feel for you and hope you find the support your going to need Right here in BI...it is helpful.

LUKESMOM: do it! If for no other reason writing a letter and confronting the Dr.will make you feel better for the moment. It won't change things, and if he believes all these drugs were in your child, tell him to show you the findings! Prove It!..anger is all you have right now to keep you a little focused and it may serve you well at this point. It won't change things, it won't bring Luke back, but blowing off steam is a good thing. Thats my opinion....(but I've always been sort of a rebel)others may tell you to let it go, I dunno. The way I feel today I would charge down there myself and demand a reason for the misinformation! But thats me, and thats me Today! I am just so sorry that you have to hear Anything derogatory like your pain isn't enough right now, this comes along to add to it. Awwww I feel for you. I feel for ALL of YOU! I gotta go, can't take thinking anymore tonight................blueskies all, Bonnie

[kathy714]

Dear Lukesmom,i am so sorry that you have to hear all these different stories,what you can do if you feel these stories are lies,you can always request a copy of the autopsy report,not that it will change the outcome but maybe it will give you piece of mind.I requested Nathans,and there are some findings in it thati am planning to call the medical examiner to see if he can answer some of my questions.Also there was just a big story on 20/20 last week about methadone,and how it is causing a lot of death's,you might want to check that out.I know how tough it is not knowing what happened,my son was found in a parking lot,and i am always driving myself crazy trying to fiqure out the answers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Ronsmom,i am so sorry that you are having such a bad day,i understand that feeling of being lonely,i can't stand the quietness of this house,i was so use to noise ,and music playing all the time,the phone ringing off the hook,kids here all the time,now it is just me and my husband,and I hate it,i want my crazy house back !!!T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Daveydow,i hope you find some peace today,on your son Davey's birthday,take time to think nice memories of him.I also wanted to say thank you for replying to my post.Sunday was my older son Kevin's birthday,he turned 30,my heart broke when he came up to me and said I know Nate is here i can feel him[we had a party for his 30th]...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Mark, how are you doing,i am glad to see you posting here again,i hope you don't mind i mention that i had seen you on another post,i was also worried about you,I remebered how you helped when my husband John was really ill.I am sorry to hear that your wife is still so ill ,you both will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear TxLouise,i am sorry for the loss of your daughter,i am sorry that you are on this sad road,i loss my son Nathan on his 21st birthday,Jan31,2005,he was found in a parking lot,in 10degree weather,I hope you come back to BI,i was fortunate to find this site about a month after losing Nathan,and at first i think i came on about 10 x a day,just to read the post ,and just to feel some comfort,now i feel like many here are good friends.Everyone here truely understands the pain you are feeling,you and your family will be in my prayers...T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[jamiedawnsmom]

Txlouise, I know exactly how you feel about living for 40 more years. If I were to die tomorrow I'd be a happy camper. Jamie was on this earth for 16 1/2 years and the thought of living without her for more years than with her is a pretty unbearable thought. I have two daughters in their 20's and a grandson who is 3 and I do want to be around for them but somedays I just wish this wasn't my life. I keep on thinking that Jamie's been gone long enough and that she can come home now. If only it were that easy.

Take Care.

Renee

[daveydow1]

Alwaysmyjennifer,

Thank you for your kind words. As for your crying

while you are making your music---it's a fact that

whenever we cry, the brain releases a chemical called

endorphins that are the body's natural pain reliever.

I know it doesn't change circumstances, but can help

us to keep on going when we think we are at the end of

our rope. Take care. Peace & prayers.

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

Kevin felt the presence of Nate at his birthday

party. That's so nice. We felt Davey's presence

today at his gravesite. His grave is in a shady

spot, but the sun shone so brightly through the

trees of the woods that borders the cemetery. My

prayers are with you, Kathy. Take care.

[daveydow1]

For Txlouise,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter.

The pain is so very severe at this early stage.

Please come back to BI. There are a lot of broken

hearts here, but everyone helps everyone else with

their messages. Nowhere else have I found so many

people who know the pain we're all in when we lose

a child. My son, David, died 6/14/03, and I found

this site not too long afterward and it has been a

lifeline for me. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Thank you for your kind message, and for scattering

seeds for my Davey in your garden. We placed a bouquet

of fall flowers and red roses on Davey's grave today--

his 35th birthday. Of course, he will always be 31 to

us. Also, visited Lisa Kaye's grave, and my dad's--all

in the same cemetery. We laid a single rose for Lisa.

The days leading up to today were worse for us than

today, but as we were entering the highway from our

street, one of the huge trucks like the one that killed

our son (same trucking co.) drove past. We see these

blue trucks all the time around here. Well, I'm just

thankful that I know that Davey, Danny, and ALL the children of

the BI family are waiting for us. Take care, Bets.

Peace be with you & your family.

[lorismom]

For Cc66512 (Carole) – I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son, Brian. I’m glad though that you found your way to this wonderful forum. It has been a great source of comfort for me since I lost my 34 year old daughter Lori in a car accident almost 2 ½ years ago. Please feel welcome to post/read whenever you need to.

For Txlouise – I am also very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Keren. I visited your memorial site. What a lovely young lady. She is so beautiful. I hope you will continue to post on BI. Everyone is so nice here and we will try to help you as best we can.

Take care everyone,

Patty

[ronsmom]

DAVEYDOW: I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier to tell you I would think of your son today on his birthday...I've kind of been out of it lately, but I remembered him this morning, I read your post yesterday and wanted to reply but couldn't get the energy to even type..But I did think of him and you, hoping you had the strength to get through this memorable day.

I've been really down lately.

Its been a year and 2 months for me, and suddenly my body is so sleepy all the time, I've slept more in the past 2 days than I have all year, I've been going on about 5 hours a night, but lately its caught up to me I think, is this normal? I can just sit and suddenly feel my head go slack, I have to go lay down again. The only good thing if I sleep more maybe theres a chance I will get a dream with my Ronnie in it, so far nothing, but maybe if this keeps up I will..I sure hope so, I could really use one about now.

Kathy: yes its the lonliness, and the quiet! and Thanks for your comments and concern. All of you strangers have become friends to me, and I soooo appreciate this site! This world just sucks, but knowing there Really are Good people left out there is a little comfort! Wish we could do a group hug. Thanks all.....maybe tomorrow will be a little easier, right now I gotta go back to sleep..whats up with this?

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Kathy714, thanks. It's ok to check about and see who is where on this website. This is "our" website. I'm so thankful to you and every one of you for all your concern and caring. Looking back, I can only call the last twelve months a nervous breakdown. Losing Jenni drove me to my edge, and I lost it. I've always been the calm and collected one, but I could not bring myself to say she was murdered. It hurt so deeply. I felt like I didn't want to live. With this, my wife suffered a stroke last Christmas, and another last month, which have spiraled me a bit further into my depression stage. This will pass. thank you for caring. Tonight, I'm just kicking back with a few ideas in my studio, trying to record musical thoughts (I love my job). Take care of yourself, please. Be sure to get enough rest. And do something to pamper yourself. hugs, Mark

[brknhrt]

There are some dark days ahead. I feel so heavy and burdened with grief. I am hanging on to whatever sanity I have left. One day people will discover that the person that they are looking at doesnt really exist. She died 6 years ago when her son died. I just am waiting for the time that I can leave this world. I have another son, I love him more than myself. I would never want him to feel like he was not enough. I cant even explain the feelings that cover me like a shroud. Inside me there is such a battle raging between what I feel and what I think I should feel. Everyone else in our family seems to have moved on. I really envy them. I am stuck,this loss has devistated me. As I suppose it should be. Oh boy I am rambling on and on. 10 days untill the anniversary of that awful night when he was killed. Then the delay waiting for the investigaters and medical examiner to clear the release of his body. All these awful memories keep invading my thoughts. I will fill my head with great memories of him and then remember the circumstances of his death. How unfair that we had to bury our child. I feel like I have been robbed.

[daveydow1]

Ronsmom--Bonnie,

Thank you for your kind words. I guess I took Dave's

birthday "in stride". I'm to the point that I just

give in and say 'what else can I do'. I am ok today,

and feel lucky for that. As for your tiredness and

sleepiness---I'm thinking that at a little over one

yr. on my own grief journey, I too had times when it

seemed that I was tired and sleepy, but it did pass

for the most part after awhile. I still get those

"down" days like you, and will want to sleep. I try

to keep busy, but I guess there's only so much one

can do to try and outrace these times. I do hope &

pray that you will feel better somehow. Take care

of yourself, and Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Brknhrt,

I am sorry you are having a rough time of it. Also,

the days leading up to the angel day can be so sad

and stressful. You said what I have thought so many

times---that when people look at me, they are not

seeing the person I used to be. I'm so changed. I

also yearn to be with my son, David, and yet have

other children living. It is one of the sad realities

that pull us in two directions for we have feelings

of love for those here AND for our children who have

passed on before us. I don't know any answers--I guess

not many people do, in trying to think that through.

I will keep you in my prayers, and hope that you can

somehow find some peace and comfort. Take care.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[moanalisa]

Well, I've been reading all your posts for the past three days. My heart, and prayers go out to all of you. On April 30, past, my 40 year old son was killed in a motorcycle accident. That's when my world stopped. I've moved around, done dishes, laundry, etc.etc. ....but I'm not here. I don't even remember doing things.

I'm on auto pilot, seem to be, anyway. I have another wonderfull son, and 4 daughters, and I love them dearly. But I feel guilty spending all this time grieving, and not really being able to help them.

So many questions, and apparently no answers. I've been angry; I've begged, and eventually, not knowing what else to do, I typed "coping with grief" in my lap top's search engine, and found this Message Board. And I've read your stories, and felt your pain, and feel helpless. I'm not any good to anybody, can't even help myself. It's almost 5 months now, and I still need to cry. And I can't . Yes, I do produce a tear, now and then, but I need to cry, really cry, and I just cannot do it.

And friends tell me how strong I am, etc.etc. Maybe I'm a good pretender...I don't know. I feel cold inside, cold, and empty. And I tried to post here a few times, but my message never showed up. I finally figured out why....I think, anyway. I took so long, and the 30 minutes ran out. It suddenly struck me, this morning, when I tried, that, as I was finished I ot a message I had to sign in again. So now I'm typing in my Wordpad, and will paste this in.

And maybe you guys will let me come by, and ramble a bit. I've always been better expressing myself on paper. I've written e-mails to Ken, and deleted them. Ken isn't there to read them, anymore. Also, my screen name here doesn't appear appropriate, but Ken suggested it as my screen name years ago. So, I'm hanging on to it. And maybeget to tell you how I got that name.

I have to go, now. Peace, Love, and Light to all of you,

Moanalisa, aka Joyce