Loss of an Adult Child

[maskott]

Lisa, I'm really sorry to hear your story. I wish I could help answer your questions. I think we all end up with questions about why some people react the way they do. You can come up with some answers, but who knows for sure. My mother told me I needed to get on with my life...to move on. You don't move on from this. You can only learn to live with it. As to being protective of the other children...oh yeah. I have two children 19 & 23. Every time they go out, I say "please drive safely". They understand my concern and always say "we will". I dread hearing that phone ring when they aren't home. My husband and I went away for a week and leaving them home alone was the hardest thing I ever had to do. One thing that I cannot shake is the fear that something is going to happen to one of my other children.

Lisa, keep venting here. It's a good place to vent. I think, at the beginning, I wrote almost every day and was on the site constantly. It was my lifeline. It helped get me through the toughest time of my life.

Greg, saw the balloon. Great idea.

Hopefully, I will write more often. To all newcomers, I'm sorry for your loss. I would never wish this on anyone.

BettyAnn

[mom2angels]

{{Lisa}}} ~ I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son, Mike. My son's name is MIchael also. Sky blue eyes too.

Have you told your mom that you are angry and frustrated with her, and how upset you are that she is not even apologizing to you for this preventable accident? Have you said to her what you have written to us here? Maybe you need to sit down with her and say it all, lay it all out, let it out of you, even if she doesn't understand.

Another suggestion is to write a letter to your mother, in addition to a face to face conversation, or in lieu of that conversation. Tell everything that is in your heart. Describe your needs and how you want her to fill them (eg., "I need you to accept responsibility for leaving the loaded gun out. I need you to say you're sorry. I need you to tell me that you realize that you made a big mistake. I need you to love me as my mother while I grieve for my son." Etc... With your feelings written in a letter, your mother will have something as a reference in the future. When issues arise, you can say, "Mom, read that letter that I wrote to you, and then we'll talk."

I would suspect that your mother does feel guilty, and she doesn't know how to handle it. So, she turns it on to you, and sets herself up to be a victim. In other words, if you sue your mother, she becomes a victim. Maybe she is seeking some kind of punishment from you, which is why she is anticipating a lawsuit. She must assume that you blame her; therefore, she might expect that you will retaliate. And maybe she blames herself and thinks that she deserves to be punished somehow.

Additionally, from my experience, when people enter their seventies, they change. It must be hormonal. They become cranky, insecure, and very afraid that all of their money will run out before they die. They cling to their independence. Their own health begins failing, and they lose energy. Their own mortality begins to stare at them also. This is typically a difficult age.

Your situation is extraordinarily complex, and my best advice is for you to seek professional help, with a licensed counselor/therapist. I think your entire family, including your mom and Jake, should speak to a professional to help you through this process.

Grieving for your child is extremely difficult, and your situation absolutely qualifies for a professional to help you manage the entire process, as well as your feelings toward your mother.

We can all offer our thoughts and opinions, but we aren't professionals, and your circumstance requires one to get you on the path to healing as soon as possible. I wouldn't let things build up. I would be proactive and start finding someone who can help you and your family struggle through this terrible traumatic tragedy. You have many issues to sort out.

Among those issues is how to balance your fears of losing Jake while allowing him the freedom he needs to grow healthy. Your reaction is very normal, but you need someone to guide you in how to let go a little bit for Jake's benefit.

Try to not expect too much too soon, because this grieving is a long and complicated process. And everything you're feeling, we have felt too, and continue to feel. So stay tuned to us, and we will give you the parent to parent support on your journey.

My candle is lit for your MIke, for my Michael, and for all of the beautiful children of Beyond Indigo. My prayers are with you for your peace and comfort every day, and I ask that you feel Mike's presence, as I ask that for every parent here to feel their children's presence and hold them close to you in your dreams~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[messenger]

DEAR LISSUS67 I LIKED THE IDEA MOM2ANGELS SAID ABOUT WRITING YOUR MOM A LETTER AND EXPRESSING ALL OF YOUR FEELINGS...................SHE NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING....NO SHE SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAD A LOADED GUN WITH A BAD SAFETY OR ANY GUN AROUND KIDS......................PERIOD..........HER LIVING ALONE SHE FEARED FOR HER SAFETY..BUT THE COST WAS VERY EXPENSIVE...........YOUR SON............................I HATE YOU HAD TO GO THRU ALL OF THIS.................TRY THE LETTER AND TELL HER TO READ IT AND THEN YOU TWO WILL TALK.....................YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT SHE IS THINKING TOO.....

YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.....................I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MISS YOUR SON............BELIEVE ME.......................MESSENGER

[kathy714]

Dear Lisa,i am so sorry for the loss of your son michael,i can understand how you feel,i too lost my son on his 21st birthday,Jan31,2005.A friend of his had called and invited him down to the bar where she was working,served him drinks,then let him leave with someone he didn't know ,walking in 10 degree weather,they found him dead,laying next to a van in a bank parking lot the next morning.I feel the same as you,this girl never said she was sorry,never went to look for him,even though he was suppose to stay at her house,only called his cell phone once,when he didn't return.Iget so angry when i see her,i feel like at lease say i am sorry Kathy,maybe i should of called him more than once,or maybe i should of looked for him when he didn't return,or maybe i should of never let him leave after getting him drunk ! !!!Reading your post just brought out so many of the same feelngs i have all the time,..I KNOW your situation is different,being your mom,you have to she her again,and it must be so hard,because usually it is your mother that you turn to in time of need,i agree with momof2angels,writing a letter is a good idea,explain how you feel,also i would defenitely look in to some kind of counsiling because of how complicated your situation is...you and your family will be in my prayers..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Reading the post about visiting the places where our children left this earth,my son passed in 10 degree temp,and was in a bank parking lot,we still have alot of unanswered questions,and our case is still under investagation.Unfortunantly where Nate was found is a very busy area,so i never did put flowers or a cross,but i did accidently go there one day after going to the DMV,it was a very strange feeling standing in the same place where my son took his last breath,and all i could do was stand there and try to imagine what he went through...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[lissus67]

I really do appreciate all of your suggestions, this website is like a life line for me. I know we are all here due to such grief and sadness, but your posts give me hope that one day I can smile and laugh and remember Mike with more than tears and anger. Jake and I start counseling in mid September. The counselors meet with us individually and then we attend a group meeting as well. It is sponsored by a hospice group here in Michigan. Actually the same hospice group that helped care for my father when he was dying with terminal cancer. The parents and kids get together twice a month for dinner, then split off into groups to talk and relate. I think it will do us both a world of good. I have tried to talk to my mother, she immediately shuts down and becomes instantly defensive. I think I am going to give up on that for a while so Jake and I can heal a little first. Then maybe she can get a grip on her feelings and deal with me. We have never been very close, but she did love my kids. I know she would never have purposefully harmed Mike or Jake. I am angry at the sheer negligence of her actions. Read the paper, watch the news! Things like this happen all the time. I will be working on my anger issues with her in counseling. I know if I don't deal with it, it will deal with me eventually. I want Jake to grow up remembering his brother in a good light, not hating his gramma for being negligent and hating me for being a bitter old hag. Kathy, I can sooooo relate to how you feel. I wonder if the girl that was with your son avoids taking responsibility like my mother does for the same reasons. Guilt, maybe? I don't know.... I'm sorry....those 2 little words make a world of difference. It also makes a world of difference if they're not said. Our situations are not so different really. We both lost our boys and would like the people that are partially responsible to say something. Maybe we will never get what we are looking for from them. I wonder if I'm wasting my time being so angry....it won't bring Mike back. Nothing will. Anger and frustration, on top of gut wrenching grief, makes this process so difficult. We are all in the sensible brain VS the broken heart battle. I need to go now and sit in Mike's room and talk to him.

[julsmom]

Hi everyone - our move is now complete (well, still a few more boxes and I can't find a few things, but that will work out). As we meet new people, I am noticing an ackwardness with them if we mention Julie. Most of them know Julie is deceased but I sense an uneasiness when we talk about her. I try not to bring her up too often (some of the reason for the move was that her death was everywhere) but I don't want to forget her either. I have a shelf with her picture, her penguins and some other items. I don't mean it to be a shrine but I am not sure how it looks to others. Yes I know who cares what others think, but I do not want anyone to be uncomfortable when they visit us. I am just trusting in the process right now.

To All Who Worry About Surviving Children - Right on!!! We are now 1 1/2 hrs. from our son. He came to visit for the weekend and I don't think I took a breath until he got here. I just think that is part of the what we are going through. We always worried about our children, but now that worry has become real.

Peace to all. Lynda

[daveydow1]

Lisa,

I also agree with Mom2Angels with her suggestion that you

write a letter to your mom and let her know just how you

feel. She may be in shock--I agree, but she does seem to

be preoccupied with money since she asked that you pay the

$500. deductible, and is afraid you may sue her. I believe

anyone can feel sympathy for her since it was her grandson

who died, but she DOES need to know how you feel. I hope

I am not coming across as harsh, but in your case, a letter

to her would let her know your feelings. She may be wrapped

up in her own grief/guilt. When my son, David, died by his

car being run over by a runaway semi truck (driver was asleep),

we NEVER ONCE had an apology, card, letter or one word from

the driver to this day, nor do we expect one. I think he was

just interested in getting himself out of trouble. He was

charged with a misdemeanor---10 days in jail, and lost his

driver's license for 1 yr. GET THIS------this driver's 19

yr. old son was involved with 2 friends who killed a man in

a fight.(3 against one). This kid was charged with assault, and got 6 mo. in

jail. This sentence was in exchange for his plea bargain to

agree to testify against his friends in the case!! I'd like

to hear anyone's comments on this. Sorry to vent, friends.

God bless you all, and Peace to you.

[ronsmom]

Another day has gone by,nothing has changed. Still no dreams of Ronnie, I guess its because he's so much in my conscious mind it won't sink to my sub-conscious! ?? Who knows, I have watched his sky diving tapes again, a couple of his friends made them for me of some of their happy times up there, as a memorial for him. Theres one peice where he blows a kiss to the camera and disappears behind the clouds. That part is a little hard to get through, yet I'm drawn to it, as I am to his pictures. My sister tells me I shouldn't watch them, but I have to just to "feel him" near me.The alternative is thinking of how he died and I don't like to think of that part. I've never been a religious person, or church goer, BUT I do believe in God or some other almighty power above, and really believe I will see him when I die. Heres why I believe that: My mother was stricken with cancer 1 MONTH after my father died (26 yrs ago)..she was in her last hours of life and had not slept in 4 days, she sat straight up in her hospital bed all that time. At the point she was going she laid her head down then shot up and said: "I see daddy (my dad) and I see Light" and she stopped breathing. She had also promised me a few months before that if she went to a good place she would let me know by making some sort of noise...at her funeral the organist sat at her bench, placed her Hands on the keys and suddenly one of the hymnals fell to the floor with a loud BANG...I knew instantly it was mom.

Just wanted to share those two thoughts with you guys because its so hard to believe sometimes that what were going through is Just the End nothing else coming, and we've said good-bye forever. These two instances keep coming into my head when I hit the lowest point of the day, and I pray to my mom that she was telling me the truth! (she never lied to me before!!)

One of Rons friends and his family came for a visit yesterday, (a blast from the past)...it was so hard to visit with them, and yet it was good to share so many memories of way back when. They left last night, and I think the scab that was forming in that hole inside me just ripped off again.

Theres a saying the sky divers have when they go out...they say "Blueskies" meaning "you have a beautiful day of jumping"...Theres a tree planted with a plaque at the drop zone in tampa that says Eternal Blueskies Ron....so with that I say Blueskies to all of you today,

((hugs to all of you))

Bonnie

[julsmom]

Bonnie what a great story about your mother. You keep watching those tapes. I would love if we had more of our daughter Julie. There is one from a class she took on teaching and I have watched that. My husband still cannot watch it. I too believe we will be reunited with our loves. I too do not dream much about her, but I did last night about all of us going for ice cream. May you find peace and "blueskies". Lynda

[briansdad]

To all my friends here.This is something I found on line that describes this site to a T.I thought we all might benefit a little from it.

"We do clearly have a choice in how we walk this valley of despair, but it is also true nothing is clear cut and in black and white. In trying to accept the unacceptable, the death of our child we all walk different paths. Eventually we merge onto the same road and find comradery with its' fellow travelers. On that road we share the pain in our hearts, we share what has helped us in our journey, like two beggars sharing their bread we help sustain each other to survive. If our candle has gone out, someone along the way will light it from their candle and we in like will light others candles from our own to help each other to see in the darkness."

By Mitch Carmody

Take care.

[aprilsmom]

So very, very well put. Even though we often see darkness, we DO continue to light other's candles and don't even know we are doing it. Why does the name Mitch Carmody ring a bell? Thanks Bri's Dad, Renee

[ronsmom]

Briansdad: that was so nice, Thanks for sharing! as I sit here awake, and alone and heartbroken once again, I just went and lit a candle for all of us and told all the kids how much they are missed and loved.....

I hope we all get some rest tonight.

[kathy714]

Dear Ronsmom,i am so sorry for the loss of your son,i missed comming on for a few days ,so i didn't see your 1st post,i hope you find comfort and friendship here at B.I ,i know this site has saved my sanity at times,and have made many friends here.It has been a year and a half,sinced my son Nate was snatched[as you put it]from me,and i am going through a really tough time right now,i miss him so much!!I Wish i had video tapes to watch,my friend has one,from when we were camping,but she hasn't shown it to me yet,i think i would watch it 24/7,just so see Nate full of life again.I always took ton's of photos,so thank god i have lots of pictures.My husband is the same way he doesn't like to look at pictures of Nate,he says it's to painful..so he lays them down and then i put them back up..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ericasmom]

Bonnie,

you'll like this. When my daughter was in the hospital dying,(6 days in ICU) each day I would tell her, "Eri, it's a blue-sky day, a good day to fly." I had never seen such blue skies in July, the kind of blue we see in September, you know, that clearly bright blue. Anyhow, I kept telling her this and started calling her Erica-blue-sky. I wanted her to leave without us pulling the plug, so each day so lovely to fly. Well she did not leave on her own, we did have her removed from all the measures of her life, and when she was just ready to breathe her last I said,"Blue-sky girl, I will see you there."

Several hours later in the parking lot of a motel where we stayed the night she died the sky had turned bright flamingo, and my girl loved pink, my husband and I looked up and he is not a big believer in connecting to our loved ones or signs, there she was in the sky, a huge cloud in the shape of a girl with hair like braids all around her head, (she had dreadlocks), The clud of her had huge hands and feet, which ERi did, and one hand was reaching out and up to another formation which was even larger and I kid you not, was a large man whose hand was reaching down to her. The whole time the sun was setting through these lovely clouds, causing them to turn every single shade of pink, reds, purples against a bright blue sky. My husband was weeping, as was I. My cell rang and I saw my sisters' names on it, both of them along with three nieces were driving home from Michigan, (we all live near Chicago)and in Indian they pulle dover because of the cloud formations and saw Eri in the sky. They were crying and wanted us to see it to. I told them that we were standing in Michigan and watching the same lovely message...she was being helped along and letting us know.

That said, about 11 months later I was reading a poem by a woman I love and had taken a class from and she mentioned Blue-Sky. Blue-sky she said, is an ancient Chinese way, as well as Lakhota Native American way of saying Heaven. I wept for this new knowledge, I ahd been saying it is a Heaven day to my girl, and calling her Heaven Erica.

your Son has Eternal Blueskies.

Peace to you,

Dee

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

This writing says it all so well about what we do--or

try to do here for each other. Thanks.

Ericasmom,

What a beautiful scene with the clouds, blue sky, and

the pink coloration of the sunset. Things like that

become a strong memory, and you feel the love of dear

Eri shining through. I know that this memory will be

with you forever.

Kathy714,

I hope that somehow you are feeling a bit better. I

know that feeling of being so sad, lonely and blue.

Take care, and peace be with you.

[ericasmom]

Yes Daeydow1, I willremember for all time the day and the magic that she gave us on this saddest day. Thanks.

I appreciate the piece you quoted Briansdad, it is true, whatever way we travel this path, is our choice, though getting to this place of loss was not. And so we do help each other along the way, I have been lifted many times by people in this place. Thanks for the healing words.

Kathy, I do have a tape of ERica and watched it one night 2 years ago. My daughter's great friend gve it to me. It was Eri and Susannah, (her buddy) putting on skits over the years. Oh my goodness I cried and laughed so hard, seeing the ways they worked with each other, the pure and simple charm of young children. I cried at the sight of Eri and even more at her sound, that voice that I no longer hear. I wept and I made sure i watched it alone. I did not want to share one moement of her with anyone. I waited until my husband went out of town, and I felt indulged and overwhelmed and very appreciative to see her and very sad. What a mix. I have not watched it again, but feel good knowing where it is and that I will again one day. I also have a tape of the trip to Costa Rica from her senior year. She is only in it briefly but I got to see what she saw,and heard her laugh in the background. The other tape I have was given to me from one of nieces and nephews. They took old photos of all their cousin times together over all the years and put music behind it and made it a video. It played on a loop at ERica's wake and I've watched it twice since Eri let in 2003. I really have a very hard time watching it, wanting to see it over and over and yet being very depressed afterward. Sometimes knowing what to avoid in order to stay put together is important,while other times it feels good to just let it all loose. There is no one way is there, no manual that directs us in how to live correctly and well in the face of deep loss, there is only your heart and spirit that can really direct you and ususally our hearts do a pretty good job. When you watch the tape Kathy, listen to your heart.

Peace to all,

dee

[kirksdad]

Could everyone keep us in their prayers for the next couple of days. My wife's step mother, who has been a wonderful person to us for the last 20 years and was great when we went through Kirk's death was found today in her house unresponsive, they think she had an anorism and only has a couple of days to live. She is 87 and has really had a good life, she was able to be on her own, we were afraid if she went it would be this way. I am really beginning to become really depressed when it comes to August. We are suppose to start back to school Monday, my wife just had major surgery a couple of weeks ago and now this. Life is so complicated sometimes. Jim

[messenger]

KIRKSDAD......................YOU WILL DEFINETLY BE IN MY PRAYERS...........I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR ALL YOU ARE GOING THRU........................

THIS WEEK I FOUND OUT MY GRANDMA IS 95% SURE SHE HAS BREAST CANCER.........MY UNCLE ON DADS SIDE.....HIS HEART STOPPED TUES PM AND THEY PUT PACEMAKER IN...STILL IN ICU............MY COUSIN IS IN HOSPITAL..................LIVER PROBLEMS.............NOT SURE WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM................LOTS OF WORRIES FOR US BOTH LOOKS LIKE.........I WILL PRAY FOR YOU,,,,FOR YOUR WIFE AND WIFES STEP MOM................MAY THE LORD FILL ALL YOUR HEARTS WITH PEACE AS YOU PUT YOUR TRUST IN HIM..............................MESSENGER

[messenger]

I TOOK SEVERAL TAPES OF MY SON JAMES..FROM BABY TO RIGHT BEFORE HE DIED..............I GET THEM OUT AND WATCH THEM OFF AND ON..SOMETIMES I GET TOO DEPRESSED AND HAVE TO QUIT FOR A WHILE...I MADE COPIES FOR OUR 2 DAUGHTERS..SO IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO ME...........THEY WILL HAVE COPIES.

I ESPECIALLY LIKE ONE WHERE HE IS DISCO DANCIN IN BIG ..BAGGY PJS............I PLAYED DISCO WHEN I WAS PREGNANT AND HE HEARD IT AND LOVED IT TILL DAY HE DIED ....

I BROUGHT VIDEO CAMERA AND HAD FUNERAL HOME TAPE FUNERAL..............PEOPLE THOUGHT I WAS CRAZY.................BUT I WOULD NEVER HAVE SEEN THE LONG LINE THAT WENT THRU THAT DAY...............ALL THE BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS ,,ANGELS..COVERS,,ETC...WOULD ONLY BE A MEMORY..WHERE AS NOW...I CAN GO BACK AND SEE PEOPLE I DIDNT KNOW EVEN WERE THERE!!..THERE WERE CLOSE TO A THOUSAND!!! IN VIEWING AND FUNERAL..ONE OF BIGGEST THE FUNERAL HOME COULD REMEMBER!!! 44 CARS WENT TO GRAVE YARD AND OVER 100 THERE~~I WILL NEVER FORGET THE BUTTERFLY THAT FLEW OUT FROM UNDER THE TENT AFTER THE MINISTER WAS FINISHED.................................................

I WILL ALWAYS TREASURE THE VIDEOS,,THE PHOTOS AND MEMORIES OF OUR SON..................I AM SO GLAD I TOOK THE TIME TO TAPE THE KIDS WHEN I DID...

MESSENGER

[maureensmom]

I'm praying for everyone this afternoon. Life is so precious, regardless of how old you are.

My husband took my son and a friend to the movies. I was suddenly just overwhelmed with Maureen's death, just like it happened yesterday. It is so hard to go on, feeling like this. Sorry I'm so gloomy this afternoon;everything seems hopeless.

Georgia

[ronsmom]

Maureensmom:...your feeling just as I do today.I thought I was having a better day and Wham, isn't it strange how the hurt engulfs you? I was trying to just read a book and relax and my mind kept straying back to Ron. How could a year have passed me by without him here? I'm just a zombie. Taking up space and sucking oxygen and really really want to be my old self again, I'm so tired and weighted down with this saddness. My Ronnie would be busting my chops about something right now, just to get a rise out of me, he would hate that this is the way I'm getting on, I know I have to start moving, but have no motivation.

yes its a sad day!

[Artina]

Jim,

Your family is in my prayers.

Lynda (Julsmom),

I am so glad that you have moved closer to your grown baby boy. What a treat... I would have done the exact same thing. In fact, if my son moves away- I'm following him. You already know this- but the more you talk about Julie around your company, the more your friends will become comfortable asking you questions about her. I believe this. Bless this new beginning.

Briansdad,

I love the balloon tribute. As you know, my son's birthday and your son's angel date happen to be the same day. I would love to see pictures of the car show if you happen to get some taken- if not- I totally understand. May you get through the day surrounded by those who loved Brian so as to help ease your pain.

Peace to all, Tina

[julsmom]

Tina, thanks for the kind words.

Jim, you and your family will be in my prayers.

Peace to all, Lynda

[ericasmom]

I hope everyone sleeps deeply tonight and dreams sweetly. For those of you looking back on a year, bless you and be kind to yourselves. A year is a long time to be without your child, and while you feel you should be doing more, some days just need to be as today was for some of you, a sad day. Tomorrow we can all try again, for a better day. If you have not gone out for a bike ride or walk perhaps tomorrow will be a good day for it. Sometimes it is in those moments where we decide to be good to our bodies, our spirits, that we commune most with our loved ones, plus it is just good for us to release some energy and to absorb some energy from nature. I will pray that everyone has some moments this week that make us smile and laugh out loud.

Peace,

Dee

[rhonda68]

Hello Kathy714 thinking of you often as we fell at this site about the same time. I am having an awful hard time too. I miss my boy so much and my heart aches so hard. But no one gets it they wont even talk to me anymore. And I dont care. Sure dont know what I would do without this site. I love you all here and care deeply for all of you I wish there was something I could do for all of our suffering.

Richards MOM

[daveydow1]

Kirksdad,

You & your wife, and her step-mom will be in

my prayers tonight. Peace.

Georgia,

So sorry that you are feeling low today. I also

get these days when nothing seems right in the

world. I pray that you may find some peace and

serenity.

[messenger]

TO ALL CONCERNED...............WHY IS IT.............SO MANY THINK WE NEED....TO GET ON WITH LIFE AND NOT BE DEPRESSED ABOUT LOSING OUR CHILD????????????????????????????????? IF THEY HAD WALKED IN OUR SHOES I THINK THEY WOULD TALK A DIFFERENT TALK..........................

MESSENGER

[Guest Guest]

This is my first time here. I looked around and read many of the posts here. I thought I would like to give it a try. My name is Debrah and I lost my twenty six year old son on November 10, 2005. It was a normal day, just like any other I guess. I was watching tv before going to bed and my phone rang. I remember looking at the clock and thinking who would be calling me at this time of night. Then I looked at the number coming up on the caller ID. It was my ex husband, my son's dad. My son lived close to him and also worked with him. I can't explain it but, I knew something was wrong before I answered the phone. I remember saying, is it Luke? And when he said yes I was thinking okay he's sick or he's hurt but, he'll be okay. But, when I said, what, what is wrong with him I never imagined I would hear him say, he's dead. He had died that day in his home while laying on the sofa of a massive heart attack. His fiance found him later in the day and his dad was there with him while the police investigated. Later Luke's dad told me that they found steroids all over the house. You see, my son was into body building and we learned he had been using steroids for approximately five years. I just don't understand it. I am so angry. I am angry that I did not know, that his father did not know, that his fiance knew and yet did not tell anyone. I am angry at the person that sold them to him. I am angry at the doctor he was seeing that knew. I am angry at his so called personal trainer. I am angry that my son that I love more than life itself did this. And it kills me to say that, to admit I am angry with my beautiful Luke. I am angry that out of all the people in the world my Luke is gone. I am angry that I was not there. I am angry that I cannot get the image out of my mind of my Luke laying there in the funeral home. I can't sleep anymore. I hate to go to bed so I just sit up and sit up. I just want my Luke back. Please help me.

[ericasmom]

Dear Guest,

I am so sorry for the loss of Luke, your beuatiful boy. My girl, Erica left in July of 2003. Anger is a normal part of grieving but I worry that you are not sleeping anyomore. That only makes everthing worse.You are sleep deprived and that gets really hard to cope with anything let alone grief. Coming here and posting is a great step toward getting some help because everyone here will not only listen to you but they will understand the stage es you are ging thrugh. There are a of us on our path and always someone new to it that we in turn can assist. It is a giant healing circle. Being angry at Luke is a difficult thing to feel but it is not uncommon and I hope that you will see that you can lose that feeling of anger eventually and of guilt. We all have had some guilt in the deaths of our children. Please keep posting and and letting people know how you are each day.

I would advise you to see your doctor, not for drugs necessarily, but for advice. I take a natural product once in a while, but a few years ago, almost every night. It is called Formula 303 and basically is Valarian Root which is anatural relaxant. The root of a flower. I needed help staying asleep in the night. I also always have a good book to jump into if I am awake. It helps to take my mind off my own sadnesses to read. I write in a journal and that helps a great deal and I come here. I saw a therapist for two years after ERi died. That helped hugely. Do you see a therapist?

Even though it may sound goofy, try to eat and drink healthy and get some physical exercise. Taking care of yourself it is important. My name is Dee, and I will hope to see you write some more tonight or tomorrow. Until then, try to sleep knowing that you will not always feel as you do today, you will feel better one day.

Peace,

DEe

[mamabets]

Dear Guest~ I lost my 25 year old son back in June of 2004. He had dabbled in steroids for many years and my ex husband and his wife KNEW it and did nothing to help. When I found out, I had my first of a series of nervous breakdowns. The body building/ steroid world go hand in hand, it seems, and I am so, so , so sorry for you. My son stood in the middle of a 3 lane highway and opted not to move. I believe in my heart, and always have since that fateful night, that Danny saw "the light" in the headlights- He came to me and held my hand as he walked into Heaven, and I now KNOW where he is- He no longer squirms on this Earth. He leaves many miracles daily, but to say that they take away the pain would be a lie. He was so connected to Heaven from the day that he was born,{on our due date- Halloween, 1978}, I know now that he is in his FAVORITE PLACE....He went on to save 5 lives in organ donation..Please feel free to email me at any time- huntross4@aol.com. I admire your courage for opening up here- This Beyond Indigo is a wonderful place to come to, all hours of the day and night. My daughter is expecting our second grandchild- Julia is 7 now and is so excited about her new baby sister or brother...I have hope with new life because when you lose a child, you die with them. A whole "new" life begins and you flounder, be it in guilt, denial, anger, bargaining. All of the above at any given time. For the longest time I believed that Danny was still alive somewhere.... I have come to know that he IS very much alive- It is just in a whole new dimension..He will never know this kind of pain-He took with him the good parts of this life. Love, hope, peace, joy, trust, laughter, and more love. Know that you are a wonderful Mom- You are willing to carry on for Luke by bringing your story here. Bless you and know that you are now a part of my "family"- I love you!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Messenger~ It is truly amazing how many people in your life will NEVER get your pain- Not because they haven't been there, but because they FREEZE with fear when "loss of your child" comes up- I have brothers that love me to pieces, but I am the "freak sister" now- My kid died. And, while it hurts me to the core that they don't celebrate in all of my Danny's miracles, they are not alone- I have many people in my life who are completely freaked out by this, including old friends, that lost children, and I stood by them. I NEEDED them so when this happened, because I felt that they knew like no other- GONE- Never to be heard from again. Try, if you can, to avoid any situation that may make you uncomfortable. Do what works, and steer clear from what does not- We have so much on our plates, and I remember the day when I said to myself- "There is no more gray- It is black and white now" That includes the people that have really let me down. Jackie put it perfectly this past weekend "Please, whoever you are, don't show up when my brother dies, then disappear from my life- Don't need more hurt-" I am way over many relationships that I thought were solid as solid could be. Because Danny can never come back and coach us through,many never did, in retrospect. I am amazed at the NEVER "Hey, Bets, how are you? WOW- Thanks for sending all of Danny's miracles my way" kind of thing- RELATIVES of mine- TONS of relatives and old friends that Jackie NEVER hears from... Oh well, as my motto goes!! I love you, Geri- Find me, I will certainly try to always be there for you!!! I love you!! xoxo mamabets

[maureensmom]

Dear Guest:

Welcome to Beyond Indigo. I'm so glad that you decided to write here about your son Luke. I know exactly what you mean about the anger. My gorgeous 20 year old daughter Maureen died on December 8, 2005 of an accidental drug overdose. For a long time - and still - I was so angry. Right along there with the agony and the missing her every second was this fury that she could have done something that stupid, that careless, that nuts - one more in a long string of incredibly bad decisions in her short life. Then I would feel so guilty about being so angry. If I had gone the route of blaming people, I could have started with her idiot, drug-addicted fiance, who she loved utterly; her friends, who told me afterwards that they all knew she was in trouble... The list goes on and on. But, Maureen didn't want to die, and neither did your Luke. Maureen loved me so much. She has a handicapped little brother who she would NEVER have left, if she had any control over what happened to her. It was an accident. I'm just angry at how much I have lost. There are times when I just can't believe that my life is so wrecked because she made one momentary decision, just to take one more pill.

What has helped me has been prayer, and working at forgiving everyone, including myself. How could I have not seen the signs? But I didn't. I've got this mantra - I forgive her boyfriend for what he did and didn't do, I forgive her friends, I forgive Maureen, and I forgive myself for what I did and didn't do. One of my friends told me to write Maureen a letter about how I felt. I did that, and was amazed at how angry I was. (the letter helped.)

This is a wonderful place. Everyone knows exactly how I feel because we have all had the same loss. Please continue to write to us, and hang in there.

Georgia

[heybud]

I am in such a bad state this morning. When Kelly died, many, many generous people donated funds which we put into an account. One of Kelly’s good friends is earning her “Gold Award” thru Girl Scouts and that requires that she completes a service project. She has asked me if she can work to turn the funds donated into a true foundation, with perpetual fund raising, and establish criteria for other young people to be able to be given funds for competitions, tools, and vocational schools. I was so touched and pleased. She invited me to join her last night for the original presentation at Girl Scouts to see if they would accept this project. I went and was so proud of her and her presentation. She was direct and persuasive and had a clear vision of what she hoped to accomplish. And while she has to give a formal presentation in a couple of weeks, we were told that they thought it would be a wonderful project and will probably be approved.

And then when I got home, I fell apart, and haven’t slept and feel almost as bad this morning as I did the morning after I got the news that Kelly had died in the accident. It will be eight months on Thursday. I feel raw with pain again, and had thought that I was making progress.

I just needed to talk…thanks,

Lisa

[briansdad]

Lisa,

8 months is still awfully new for you.What happened is normal.I'm coming up on 2 years and I still have some tough times.It's just that now they are farther apart.

I know that when Brian's buddies have the car show this year on the anniversary of his death that it's going to pick at the scab that has grown but I know with that will also come some peace knowing that his friends want to remember him.

We all need to remember that this is the hardest thing we will ever have to do on this earth.So we certainly owe ourselves some slack when we slide back.

Hang in there.

Remember we're here for you.

[daveydow1]

For Guest (Lisa),

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son, Luke. Your

anger is certainly understandable. I have been on this

hard road of grief for 3 yrs. now. My son, David, died

within the hour of being hit in his car by a runaway

truck whose driver was asleep at the wheel. I was very

angry at this driver for so long, (and STILL am sometimes).

He never apologized or said a word to us. However,in

recent months, the anger has started to subside. I just

come to the conclusion that he is an ignorant person, so

I'm trying to forgive him. Those that could possibly help

prevent these tragedies no doubt feel guilt too, but they

can soon forget. We Can't. I hope that you will return to

BI to read & post. It has helped all of us to somehow

keep going day-to-day. My prayers are with you. Peace to you.

[daveydow1]

Heybud, Lisa

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time of

it. The 8 months point is a terrible place. I remember

how I was at that stage. I do hope that you come back

here to BI and let everyone know how you are doing. We

all care about each other here on this unwanted journey

we are on. I think Kelley's love will help the most---

because the love doesn't die, does it? Take care, and

peace be with you.

[ericasmom]

Dear Lisa,

3 steps forward, 4 steps back. It is a normal way to move forward, step, step, step, fall, and over again. It may seem like you are getting nowhere, but look behind you, all those steps forward have brought you along. Sometimes those steps bring us to the next horrific stage, but the only way forward is to go thorugh it, each one as they come and not to feel as though you haven't made progress. Why here you are talking to others adn telling your story, and your story helps the next new person as they see that you were where they are now but that you have moved ahead. Eight months is very new and yet it is a long long time to be without your child. I know that each time I spend time with Erica's friends, I am so refreshed by thier stories, and excited to hear what and wehre they are in thier lives,,,but then I crash too. I think it is natural. You see these kids that you watched grow up with your baby and your baby is not growing up anymore. It is the most clear form of bittersweet to me. I love the energy around the girls, the laughter, I love hearing the stories about Erica that they hang on to, but when they leave the loss is palpable. What would my girl be doing if she were still here? And I will never know. And that is simply the way it is. NOthing easy about it, but there will be better times, and eventually there will be some healing too.

My heart to you,

Dee

[ericasmom]

sorry Lisa, forgot this bit, some of the healing will come with the foundation in your daughter's name. We have a fund at the school where I teach and where my children also attended. The ERica Fund helps children pay for scouts, sports, summer programs, skating and swimming lessons...whatever is needed for kids whose parents are struggling to make ends meet. I am so blessed each time I write a check for this, each time I read the name; Erica Fund and know that Eri is smiling.

[rhonda68]

Messenger I couldn't agree with you more!! Ya thats what I always say how would they like it if was their child. Like they would jump for joy and never be depressed. People really discourage me I never knew this world was so pathetic and cruel. No one wants anything to do with me anymore so I just stay in my own world I don't feel like I belong here anymore.

Richards Mom yesterday,today, forever and always

[heybud]

Rhonda68...as sad as I am today, and that is very very sad...I value you and your words and your wisdom...If not for anything else, you belong here with us. I hate this path, and I am kicking and screaming in pain somedays, and it is here I come to see that I am not alone in my agony OR in my healing. Hang in there with me. For all the pathetic people, there are good and kind and loving ones. I truly believe that.

Kelly's Mom, Lisa

[rhonda68]

Hello Lisa I am really sorry for your loss as well. It has been 16 months since the loss of my son and just when I think I am going forward I get hit with those so raw pangs again.

It seems though I had alot of support on those first few days and at the funeral. About 2 days after people just keep saying mean things telling me to get on with it,quit living with the dead and start living,your just feeling sorry for yourself,one ex friend even told me to go just go kill myself. I am FED UP!

Beyond indigo is the only place I feel welcomed at. People don't treat me the same at work its just such a hard struggle everyday. Also I am so concerned all the time for my 17 year old son, actually like more terrified. I can not relax when he is not home. Sorry if I am rambling and going on and on I guess its because I don't get to talk and let my true feelings out.

Please take care and be good to yourselves

Richards Mom

[messenger]

RHONDA68..DEAR ONE.................YOU ARE NOT ALONE....................LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE ON HERE..GOING THRU THE SAME THING AS YOU.......WE HAVE ALL LOST A CHILD~~ WE ARE HERE FOR YOU..AND YES YOU DO BELONG HERE....WE JUST NEED TO STEER CLEAR OF THOSE THAT WILL......NEVER..........UNDERSTAND US.............WE ARE NOT WEIRD..JUST HURTING..WE ARE THE NORMAL ONES.!!!!!!!!

DONT LET OTHERS GET TO YOU..IT HURTS THAT THEY THINK WE DWELL TOO MUCH ON THE LOSS OF OUR LOVED ONE..WE CARRIED THEM 9 MONTHS AND THE FATHERS HERE LOVED THEIR CHILDREN...PLEASE JUST CLICK ON HERE WHEN YOU OR ANYONE ON HERE IS DOWN AND WE WILL...........HELP EACH OTHER THRU THE GOOD TIMES AND BAD!!! I AM HERE FOR YOU RHONDA

MESSENGER

[messenger]

MAMMABETS................HELLO..........ISNT IT STRANGE LIKE WE HAVE SOME KIND OF TERMINAL DISEASE OR SOMETHING WHEN WE LOST OUR CHILD?????????

THEY LOVE US ONE MINUTE AND LEAVE US THE NEXT..I THINK OUT OF FEAR..AFRAID ..THEY MIGHT LOSE THEIRS.....AFRAID TO THINK ABOUT HOW THEY WOULD DEAL WITH THE LOSS OF THEIR CHILD....AFRAID THEY WILL SAY SOMETHING WRONG TO US..

I REALLY DONT UNDERSTAND..BUT I TALK ABOUT MY SON EVERYDAY AS MANY OF YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILDREN...NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT..BUT PEOPLE LOOK AT ME LIKE I HAVE HORNS OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!..THEY JUST WISH I WOULD SHUT UP..I CAN TELL BY THE EXPRESSION ON THEIR FACES..I WAS TALKING TO MY SISTER TODAY AND I MENTIONED MY SON ..SHE JUST GOT VERY QUIET AND CHANGED SUBJECT..I HAD BEEN LISTENING TO A CASSETTE TAPE TODAY MADE IN 1995..WHERE JAMES WAS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL...HE STARTED THIS THING FOR THE OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING...HE WANTED PEOPLE TO PUT PURPLE,,WHITE,,YELLOW AND LITE BLUE RIBBONS WHICH THEY MADE AT SCHOOL ON THEIR ATTENAS...AND TURN THEIR HEADLITES ON ..HE WAS TALKING ON THE RADIO...I JUST LOVE TO HEAR HIS VOICE OFF AND ON...INDIANA WAS THE ONLY STATE TO COMMMERATE OKLAHOMA....HE TALKED OF THE MIRACLES NOT THE BAD THINGS THAT CAME FROM THE BOMBING..THE MAYOR WAS SO PROUD OF HIM..HIS PARENTS,,THE NEWSPAPERS ,,HE WAS ON TV ETC...HE HAD SUCH A CARING HEART FOR PEOPLE AND THE MAYOR SAID ..I HOPE YOUNG JAMES STAYS IN BEDFORD.............CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT A BLESSING HE WILL BE IN A FEW YEARS..IF HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE!!WELL HE FOUND OUT HE HAD CANCER ON HIS 21ST BIRTHDAY..FOUGHT IT FOR 6 YEARS AND DIED FROM IT..SO HE WASNT ABLE TO CARRY ON HIS LOVE FOR PEOPLE...

MY POINT..........MY SISTER..I TOLD HER I WAS LISTENING TO A TAPE OF HIM TALKING ,LAUGHING....SHE AGAIN GOT VERY QUIET...WHY DO THOSE WE LOVE DO THAT TO US...................MAMMABETS...LIKE I TOLD RHONDA 68....WHEN SHE OR ANY OF US..YOU..DEAR FRIEND....ARE HAVING A BAD DAY..................LET ALL OF US KNOW SO WE CAN HELP YOU THRU THE DAY..DONT WORRY ABOUT THOSE THAT FORGET ABOUT US..WE ....NEED TO STICK TOGETHER..WE HAVE ALL WALKED IN THE SAME SHOES AND ONLY WE..........CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT WE ARE TRUELY GOING THRU....

HANG IN THERE...LOVE YOU

MESSENGER

[lukesmom143]

Wow, what a wonderful place to come and pour out your heart and get such responses. I posted last night under guest, not sure why it came out that way as I did register. No matter. This is Debrah and my son is Luke. I wanted to thank all of you for what you said. I have felt so alone in life and in my heart mind since losing Luke. I only have a few people that I can talk too that can sort of grasp what I feel. But, only because they love me and loved Luke. I learned after about two weeks of losing Luke that it just seemed like old news to my friends and people I worked with. They didn't even seem like they wanted to hear his name. So, I stopped talking to people and really felt like everyday when I woke up and had to go out in the world that I had to put on a mask, another person just to make it through the day. This caused me to become so angry with them. So, I pretty much just stopped talking and just did my work or whatever then got in my car at the end of the day and cried all the way home. I honestly felt like I would just explode some days before I could get to my car. I guess unfortunately we all know how that feels. I quit that job about a month ago and begin another one next week. I haven't even told them about Luke and haven't decided if I even will.

In answer to your question Dee (Erica's Mom) yes I am taking an antidepressant and something to help me sleep. It has helped as far as the depression. I don't think about ending my life anymore. And I guess I fight going to bed even with the sleeping pill. Just a few minutes of lying there and all I think about or see with my eyes closed is my Luke lying in the funeral home. I think about the first moment I seen him laying there. I just screamed and everyone came and held me. Then I went in and he just looked like he was asleep. I ran my fingers through his hair and touched his cheek. It was a blur then and everyday is a blur pretty much. I did decide the day that he was to be cremated that I needed to see him again. I just had to see him, does that make any sense? And I wanted to go alone. Someone took me of course but, I did go in and I shut the door behind me. And that and those last memories of seeing my son are what are driving me crazy in my mind. But, I had to do it. To see him again. I haven't really talked to anyone about this and I hope all of you don't mind. So many things to get out I guess. Thank you for giving me the chance to speak from my heart. Hugs for all of you...Rhonda68...Lisa...Dee....mamabets....georgia and everyone....Thank you.

[messenger]

DEBRAH...............YOUR SON WAS ALMOST THE SAME AGE AS MINE WHEN HE DIED..MINE WAS 27...I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS...I WAS READING YOUR POSTS.....YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE..I WONDER IF OUR LOVED ONES DONT STEER US HERE FOR HELP?????????????ANYONE EVER THOUGHT OF THAT???????????????

WE SEEM TO ALL FIND PEACE HERE AND THAT IS WHAT OUR LOVED ONES WOULD WANT!!THINK ABOUT IT.....WHY DID YOU CLICK ON HERE THE FIRST TIME??? THEY KNOW WHAT IS BEST FOR US AND THEY ...CAN SEE THE WHOLE PICTURE FROM WHERE THEY ARE...THEY KNOW OUR FEARS..THEY KNOW WHEN WE ARE HAVING OK DAYS AND WHEN WE ARE REALLY DOWN............................WE NEED TO TALK TO THEM..THEY ARE STILL WITH US..!! MAYBE MORE SO NOW THAN BEFORE........

HANG IN THERE DEBRAH........MESSENGER

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

Been out of touch lately, Mom had surgery last week (she's okay) and then was there MON, Tues, Wed, Thurs and then worked 13 hour days Fri, Sat and Sun, had a conference all day Mon and had meetings Tues and went school shopping. soon I'll take a day off. I see that we have new people that have joined us on this journey. I'm so sorry for your losses. Yes this is the place to come. You can share anything with us and it's okay. What is it about the loss of our children? Are we contagious? Our so called friends are long gone!!! and your right they either change the subject or get real quiet or think that we should have definitely moved on..Well, too bad..unless they have walked in our shoes...and even if they have it's our grief and the way that we deal with it is our business. I sent out the letter How the non bereaved can help and I posted it at work and emailed it to the people at church and I emailed it to my co workers and it cut down on "When my husband's dad died(he was in his 80's) I swore that if she said that to me one more time I was going to say to her. You get back to me when you lose one of your children and tell me how you feel! I know that sounds cruel and so unChristian but she always has to make it about her and her family...and when I told her that I found this site she said "I hope that they're not bringing you down you need to start doing more positive things" Sorry for the venting..but it drives me crazy when people presume to know what we should do.....My granddaughter Katie (almost 14) woke me at 0200 the other morning crying and saying that she missed her mom..it hurts so bad..she was in her room and she was saying to herself that she wasn't special and she heard a voice in her head that said Oh, yes you are special!! I told her that it was her Mom,,She said How did I know? I said you know that you're mom wouldn't let you get away with saying anyting like that. You know that she loves you and always has. She said that she was sorry for waking me up. I told her that I was always there for her and to always wake me up and talk to me any time day or night. I was so thankful that I was here. I've been gone so much lately. Please put Katie in your prayers. She's going in the 8th grade in the fall and she has ADD and that's an added struggle. So thanks all for listening. Will be working all weekend again.

Hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[lukesmom143]

Messenger....thank you so much and I too am so sorry for your loss so very much.....I wanted to tell everyone about something that happened last night after my last post....my other son, my youngest he is 25 and his name is Josh. First, I should tell you he is a Marine but, he served his first four years and got out last August. Shortly before that he served seven months in Iraq. We held our breath, worried and prayed for him until his safe return. He decided to go ahead and get out after his four years and go back to college and finish getting his degree. He started his first day this past Monday. I knew that for the next for years he would be inactive and could be called back within this time. His phone call last night was to tell me that within the next few months they will be calling Marines back to fill the void needed over in Iraq and Afganistan as things have gotten worse. I was shocked. Of course, once they call him back he has five months before he will have to actually go. Now I only had two sons. Luke and Josh. I honestly feel I would lose my mind if Josh goes back over there and I cannot even contemplate what I would do if I lost him from going over there. I told him that he wouldn't have to go if I stopped it because he is my only living son. But, he said mom, this is my duty and I wouldn't want you to do that. So, I guess what I am asking is what would you do? Go against the wishes of your son or what? Please pray for this situation. I know there is still time and I am going to try to not let it overcome me. Thanks for hearing me out.

[lorismom]

For Lukesmom143 (Debrah) …….I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about the loss of your dear son, Luke. I’m glad though that you found your way to this wonderful forum. It has been a lifesaver for me since I lost my daughter, Lori, just a little over 2 years ago. Just being able to read or post has been a comfort for me and I hope it will bring you some peace in the days ahead. You talked about anger and I can remember all the anger I was feeling early on. This journey seems like such a roller coaster of emotions, but it will get a little bit better with time. Be sure to take good care of yourself….do something special just for you. Again, I’m glad that you found your way to BI. I think our children helped guide us to this site. Take care, Patty

[rhonda68]

Thank you messenger I just could use a little help to keep on pluggin!

Lukesmom when I read your post my heart just dropped and honestly I dont know what I would do. Just know that I am here for you I will be your friend your in my thoughts and prayers tonight. I do know that when I am panicing over my only son left here on earth it really makes him angry but I am very worried of having anything happen to him. So I do try to not let him know I am worried but it sometimes just gets the best of me.

Richards mom