Loss of an Adult Child

[philipsmom]

Louise,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Keren. I just visited her website. It is beautiful. I lost my son right after your loss. Philip died on March 24, 2006 from an accidental overdose. I so relate to what you are saying about becoming a good actress. My youngest daughter just had her 18th birthday and I tried my hardest to give her the birthday she deserved and I think I was successful but it was hard. I have two daughters left and like you was so happy when I had all three. I keep holding on to the words of the moms and dads on here that have been on this journey longer than us that it does get better. It's hard to think how it can but I'm trying to hold on to their wisdom.

Peace & Love

Nancy

[txlouise]

Dear Nancy,Thank you for visiting my daughters website.I work on it all the time because I feel it keeps me close to her.I am so sorry about your son.How old was he?I hate those drugs.For my daughter it was meth.She never took drugs at all,but went to a 24 hour fitness and a trainor got her hooked on it.She first took it for weight loss.She did die by her own hands[hanging]but the meth made her go competly crazy.Even the Dr's in the hospital said the drug permently damaged her mind.Before the drug,she was always so happy and had a ton of friends.Her friends are all good kids and are crushed by her death.I want her back so bad.I love her so much.How do we go on with our hearts gone.I always told keren she was my heart.This all happened in about 8 short months too. thank you again for visiting Keren's memorial site.God bless you. http://angel-keren.virtual-memorials.com

[sallysmom]

why didn't my story appear here? I really needed help. Copied and pasted my daughter Sally's story and it still did not appear, I am told the site is having problems, oh well

[txlouise]

Sally,If you take more then 30 minutes writing,it doesn't put it on.If you want to e-mail me privatly please do.my e-mail addy is txlouise@aol.com I'm so sorry you are hurting.i will pray for you,love,Louise

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Bets, now, why would anyone not adore you? You're the dearest of friends. I mean that. You understand and care about more of the twisted ride I call life than most (cept for my friend back home - you know who). You're a special lady, the person who can be taken at face value immediately cuz there's no pretense - nothing to hide. Danny's watching his mom, blowing a big kiss from Heaven. Get some rest, my friend. Rest. Tell Ash we're still prayin'. luvz, Moi

[erinnzmom]

Hi All,

My Katie will be 14 on the 13th I can't believe that it'll be her 2nd birthday without her mom. She's changing sooo quickly. She wanted to dye her hair black! I remember her mom doing it! We compromised and I let her do one of those washes out in 8-10 washes. I told her it'd look awful..but this child who is naturally dk ash blond looks great with her hair almost black...And I'm cool cuz I let her..I've decided not to sweat the small stuff and hair is certainly the small stuff right???? She's trying to find her own way.. Erinn had her black period..coal black hair..black combat boots..black everything..my mother was so angry when she showed up at my nursing graduation dressed like that...but she was easy to pick out in the crowd...I'd give anything to have her back here today.. 14 months and it's not getting any easier..the tears are so close to the surface..I miss her so damn much..She's supposed to be here..I don't know if I'm up to this...Erinn was supposed to help raise this child..she was only 18 years older than her daughter.. Much cooler than me.. Her biological father or sperm donor as we call him..hasn't seen Katie since before Christmas and he lives 5 minutes...yes that's right 5 minutes a way...And do you know what he said when Katie called a couple of weeks a go? He called back and said he has a hard time expressing his feelings and the more time that went by the easier it was for him not to call her. and maybe they could get together for supper..and maybe she could live with him...Hellloooo nothing since..no suppper no contact...nothing..Can we say loser?..I'd give anything to have my child back and he's basically throwing his away.... I will be taking three teenagers to the mall...shopping on the 14th for her birthday...and we get her nose ring changed on the 13th...my how things have changed..way out of my comfort zone....Katie does know that she is loved ..she's always known that she has been loved by me, her mom, her grandfather, her paternal grandmother..but I worry about her...What does it do to a child to be rejected by the one person who is supposed to love you? your dad and her step-dad is no better actually he's worse..So your prayers would be greatly appreciated for this special child... Sorry that I've rambled and vented so long..don't like to talk about stuff like this around Katie..

Hugs and prayers

Always Erinnzmom

[moanalisa]

My lap top was on the fritz for a few days, so I could not post, or read. I also have a desk top, but it's too hard for me to use it. I can't put my legs up, when I sit there, and, also, my back starts killing me after a few minutes.

{{{{{{{{{mom2angels}}}}}}}}} I'm glad you did understand what I meant. Actually I figured that, but just wanted to make sure. And thank you for the prayers, especially for Ken. I sometimes am so worried he didn't make it across, yet. On the other hand I have read in several books, that, when a Spirit passes over after a violent, or sudden death, they will have to take time to re-adjust, and other Spirits will help them. And that takes time . Well, not really, there, I think, but for us time would pass, before we can be contacted in any way. I'm just hanging on to that way of thinking. I DO NOT BELIEVE in a God who does not love us unconditionally. Actually I do not believe in a God Who punishes us. But every cause has an efffect, and, whatever we do wrong we'll have to take the consequences for. But that would not be "going to Hell, forever". God is not wrathfull, or He would not be God. I was raised as a Catholic, in a nun's boarding school. I was there when I was 4. (Long story which might put you to sleep.lol) . But they would tell us God loved us unconditionally....then, in the same breath threaten you with God's wrath, etc. When I got a bit older I argued with the nuns, and priests. Asked questions, but never got a straight answer. Why are churches so concerned about where our soul goes, when we die. But don't dare to ask them:"Where was my soul, before it got in this body?""

Never got an answer,but I think our Spirits just go Home, where they originally came from.

{{{{{{{{Briansdad}}}}}}}}}}}}, does it not show how horses are more spiritually evolved than we are?? Maybe not evolved, but they are sure more spiritually aware.

{{{{{{{{{{Brokenhearted dad}}}}}}}}}}}}: Of course it's the children, looking after you, and over you. I just think it's wonderfull

And, {{{{{{{{{{Daveydow1}}}}}}}}}}}} thank you, too.

I know I don't know you guys all that well, but you all deserve to be hugged, even by strangers.

{{{{{{{{{{{Bonnie}}}}}}}}}}} I'll be e-mailing you, and I will use a larger font, ok? I just had the cataracts in both eyes removed, and, dummy me, I've already forgotten that so many people have trouble with their eyes. Sory about that.

And all the new people that come here. My prayers, and my heart go out to you. Keep coming here, it really helps. It's helping me a lot. Everybody here understands the way you feel.

Bye for now, everybody. Moanalisa....Joyce

[philipsmom]

Louise,

Philip was 21 years old when he died. He had alcohol and painkillers in his system when we finally got the autopsy report back after three months. I knew he was taking valium for a bad back but they also found morphine in him. I think he was experimenting and made some bad choices. His death seems so preventable and sometimes I am so mad at him for being so reckless. He had been my "wild child" throughout high school but had seemed to be doing better the last couple of years. He had been working full time for almost 1 1/2 years and he looked "good". Never expected this. It is a very painful journey.

This site has helped me a lot. I hope you get some peace from everyone here.

Nancy

[mamabets]

For ALL that are having a tough time- PLEASE email me at huntross4@aol.com~ My Danny departed from here on June 16, 2004, and I must say, that while this journey has been incredibly difficult, my wisdom is back to serving me well and I will be more than happy to help anyone that I can. I promise you all, it does get easier, and the happy memories can, and will, take over, as you all search for some kind of meaning behind all of this. What seems to matter now, many months later, is the life that I had with him while he was here, and the life that I have with him still. I love you all- I am so , so, so sorry for all of the newcomers, as it seems like YESTERDAY that I , too, was here clinging to any bit of hope that I could find. Clinging on to life~ I found alot of love and hope here , at Beyond Indigo.I have created a family here- A family, that if they all went away, I would miss each and every one. Please, email me and I will be there for you.I love you! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

FOR ALL~ Please, when you have a free minute or two, go visit my Danny at his website~

http://daniel-pallick.memory-of.com

It is beautiful and it celebrates a beautiful life~ A spirited young man that lives on still~ In the photo section, you will see many miracle signs that he has blessed us with since his passing- I have photographed many of them and have 3, going on 4, photo albums. You really will feel as if you know Danny and his family once you travel his site~

Enjoy! I love you~ Bets and her little wink from Here, There and Everywhere

[julsmom]

Friends as the "anniversary" date gets closer I just get crazier. I just can't keep it together. I will be glad to start work as I will have other things to think about. I have shared this site before: http://groups.msn.com/HealingAfterLoss/flyingpenguin.msnw

not a website, but pictures of her that her boyfriend put on the web. Christmas stuff is coming out in the stores and there are so many penguins. I guess she was just ahead of her time. May we all find the peace and comfort we need. As Rose Kennedy said: "It has been said that "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wound remains. In time, the mind (protecting its sanity) covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Also Elizabeth Edwards has a new book out (Saving Graces) detailing her experiences with her son's death when he was 16 and her recent fight against breast cancer. I am not strong enough to read it but I will buy it to read.

Peace to all (and especially to the Amish families), Lynda

[erinnzmom]

Lynda,

I'll be praying for you on Julie's angel date. It's my granddaughter Katie's 14th birthday..as I said before it's her second one without her mom. I visited Julies photo album that Brian did...You must be so proud of her..I think that all of our children are up in Heaven together..and got us together on this site..I know that they'll be waiting for us when we get there...and we'll have some party....Is it Julie's first Angel date? I found that the days leading up to it were much worse than the actual day itself. I was blessed that day..with peace beyond understanding..I didn't know how I was going to get through it but I did and you will too. I've got to get up @0145 to go to work so must go to bed.

Hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[julsmom]

Laurie, thanks for responding. This is actually the third year without Julie. The first year we had a celebration of her life at our church. It featured Brian playing his upright bass and members of our community who sang. The sad thing is that last year someone stole Brian's bass at a bassist convention. Last year we kept in real low keyed. This year seems to be harder and probably as you said the hardest days are leading up to it. I know from experience the day itself will not be so bad. I am so glad you have a granddaughter that she left you. Sometimes when I get to feeling really blue that's what I cry about -- no grandchildren. Even though we have a surviving son I will be suprised when and if he marries and then has children. Peace to all Lynda

[ericasmom]

HELLO aLL,

I have been absent from this wonder spo0t for a while, the start of the school year and the busy times that surround teaching 3rd grade. I am so sorry to see so many new names here, new heartaches, new beginnings due to losses that are beyond the realm of understanding. I, like Lynda, have walked this path 3 years now, it was 3 years on July 14th. My girl Erica was struck by an Amtrak at a broken light in Kalamazoo Michigan. She was in her car. She lived for 6 days, long enough for all of her family from out of town, and her many friends to get to her to say goodbye. We are from just outside of Chicago, and Eri and my son Jon, lived with friends in K-zoo while going to college. All I can offer all of you new to this time in your lives is hope. Hope is what kept me putting one foot in front of the other on days when it was the last thing I wanted to do. My hope was/is for my son, for his healing, for his ability to breathe and dream again. My hope was and still is for all of Eri's friends, so many young people deeply saddened and wounded by this loss. My hope is for my nieces/nephews, sisters to find ways to come together in her peace, for all of us to know that while we cannot hold her in our arms, we hold her deeply and forever in our hearts. My hope is for all of you, that if I walk this path and find the moon's light causing me to smile again, that you will too. We will always have a hole in our hearts, a wound of immeasurable force, but more than that, we will always be the parents of these boys and girls and our lives will always be blessed by this.

Bless you in your darkest moments, and please know that we are all here on this road, there is always someone listening to you here. Nothing to hide or be ashamed to say here. You are home.

Dee

[messenger]

HI ALL,,,TODAY HAS BEEN A SAD..DAY..I DETAILED MY FIRST CAR AFTER 2 YEARS .BETWEEN HAVING BREAST CANCER AND MY SON WITH CANCER ...I HAD TO STOP AFTER 20 YEARS!..DOING OK WITH BREAST CANCER ..OUR SON DIED JUNE 16 OF 05........AFTER A 6 YEAR FIGHT..............I HAD A SONG BY MERCY ME PLAYED AT HIS FUNERAL...HOMESICK AND ALSO I CAN ONLY IMAGINE..............IF YOU HAVENT HEARD THEM..YOU NEED TO..I ALWAYS SAID HOMESICK WAS HIS SONG................HE WAS IN TENN..WHERE HE THOUGHT ...HE WANTED TO GO..SO BADLY AND FOUND OUT REALLY QUICK..........IT WAS WITH FAMILY WHERE HE BELONGED.........

I WAS LISTENING TO HOMESICK IN MY GARAGE TODAY..CLOSELY LISTENING TO THE WORDS AND REALIZED ..IT IS NOT MY SONS SONG ANYMORE BUT MINE......................IF YOU LISTEN TO IT..I THINK YOU TOO WILL IDENTIFY WITH IT.IT WAS GOOD TO BE OUT IN MY 2ND HOME...BUT GAVE ME ALOT OF TIME TO THINK.......AND IT MADE ME SAD..........TOMORROW WILL BE A BETTER DAY

MESSENGER

[ashleysmom]

Lynda, I will be thinking of you and praying for you. I agree the time leading up is much worse and time does not heal. We learn to live with this life the best we can. I am finding this year brutal. Each year I expect "better", it has not happened. I don't sit around and cry all day, but when I do have a bad day, It is really bad.

Messenger, I'm sorry it was a rough day for you. I have never heard "Homesick" but "I can only imagine" brings me to tears every time. I am brought to tears over many songs, but it's okay now. Just memory tears and I want those. I heard a Melissa Etheridge song yesterday that the tears came hard and fast, surprising me, but the words "....tell the angels they'll just have to wait" the line just about kills me.

I wish you all peace today, Dottie

[maskott]

Hi..to all. Tomorrow will be 14 months since Matthew died. He is still in my thoughts constantly from the minute I open my eyes until sleep finally takes him away. A few weeks ago, the sister of my daughter's best friend, died at the age of 13. I knew exactly what the mother was feeling to the point that it brought me back. For days, I felt the zombie like existence that I went through the first weeks after the death. I started to come out of it when now I see the Amish people taking their children to be buried. We all know too well what the parents are feeling. I can't shake this feeling either. My mind keeps going back to the day Matthew died...the feelings that I had then. The ache in my heart. I tell myself that I want it to end...but then I know that I don't want it to end because I'm afraid that I'll forget him. Such a double edged sword that we now have to contend with. Just my thoughts and feelings...

Lynda, as always you will be in our thoughts and prayers as Julie's day approaches. I too looked at the pictures, as I have done before. I hope you find solace in the pictures and, possibly, see the most beautiful penguin that will tell you that Julie is still around....loving you.

BettyAnn

[bokenhearted]

Hi Everyone

To all of you who are leading up to angel dates I send you my love. You think that with time it should get easier but it doesn't seem to does it? Just different... All I can say is do whatever it takes to get you through the days leading up to, during and after the date and know that you are not alone.. we all love you.

I am a bit down at the moment as I have been rather tearfull these past few days. Just missing my Karl who has been gone for 15 months now. Not only do I feel sad and heartsick but also nearly at my witts end with other events happening in my life. Sorry if I sound like I am whinging but I just need to get some of this off my chest. My mother-in-law is in a Nursing Home and going through hip replacements at the moment and it is all falling on me to run her back and forth for this and other things. It is rather draining and she is becoming quite demanding as the time goes by. As I am the only daughter-in-law and she has not daughters I am it. If I was feeling a bit brighter in myself I would probably handle this without a moments hesitation but some days I just wish I could crawl away somewhere and hide. She is 82 and her memory is not as good as it use to be and she gets confused but she doesn't think she does. When things don't go her way she blames me and says I told her this even through that is not the case. I know she can't help it but it doesn't alter the fact that my patience is wearing thin and I am getting to the stage where I don't want to go visit her as I seem to not be able to do anything right in her eyes. She won't ask my husband or her other son to do anything as she expects me to do it all as (her words) "she doen't want to bother them." Apparently it is OK to bother me. On top os all this my daughter (only surviving child I have left) tells me she is going to go back to the city to live. This is about 400 kilometers away. I won't stop her but I am absolutely beside myself with worry that something could happen to her too. I know I am being irrational but I just can't stop my brain from going there. I know she has her own life to lead but I think I would go crazy if anything happens to her too. Also while this is all happening my job has been really demanding. I usually job share ( 1 week on and 1 week off) but the lady I shared with has resigned. I just had trained a new person and now she is leaving for a fulltime position so I am back to square 1. I just feel like I am never going to have a normal life again. I use to have a very nice life until Karl died and since then nothing seems right and I wonder if it will ever be. I am just so tired, physically and mentally.

Thanks for listening

Jo

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

Bettyanne, you wrote that you were afraid that you would forget the precious things about your son if you let go or wish this ache would stop. I think we all go through this worry, I know I did. Eri has been gone for over 3 years now, and when she was gone for a bout a year and a half, i too felt that if I let go of any of the sharp details of her violent death, that I would let go of the good stuff too. Not true, in fact letting some of it go, allowed more room for the good stuff. I hope you will find this as well. I know how difficult the build up to the angel dates are, they undo me, and then the actual day is usually quite spirit rich and lovely. And so my prayers for a lovely day. So to you and Lynda, and all that are facing angel days, my sincere prayers.,

Jo, I do hope that life smoothes out somehow, giving you a bit of breathing time, time to reenergize and reflect. I know that all things change after our children leave this Earth, it takes time for it all to feel as though it will be somewhat predictable again. I hope that your husband and his brother decide to take on more with their mom right now, this stress is not necessary and it sounds detrimental.

Good luck ,

Dee

[ronsmom]

JO: hang on girl! What a shame that so much has been piled on you while your going through the worst pain in your life. I'm thinking of you and hope you get the strength to keep plodding forward. I too am in my 15th month without Ron. It isn't any better than day ONE is it? Although the uncontrollable sobbing has subsided, and I am having a second "light day" in a row, I won't count on it lasting, been there done that in the past year...just keep moving. What else can you do when your eyes open each morning??

I have begun to light a candle everyday for all your angels in here. If I hadn't found this site a few months ago, someone would be lighting a candle for ME..I didn't even think of looking for help for a year, and that wasn't smart.

The latest event thats almost horrifying is looking in the mirror. Who is that hag looking back at me? WHOA..Grief plays alot of dirty tricks on us doesn't it? hope everyone has a sweet dream of their loved one tonight....

blueskies

Bonnie

[kathy714]

Hi All,I have missed everyone,i have been working alot,and haven't had a chance to post,although i try to jump on quick at work just to read,some how it makes me feel a little less alone after,i don't know if it's this time of year,or the time i am at,but i just miss my son,Nathan so much,i almost feel like i am back at day one.Everything lately has made me anxious,and emotional,and i want to cry and sleep al the time.I just miss him so much,i just wish i could see him,and hold him and hear his voice once again!!Everyone here is in my thoughts,and in my prayers,and for those with angel dates coming up,i will say a prayer that you all find a little bit of peace,and hold close the beatiful memories....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,I miss you i hope all is going ok,after Sat,i have a few days off so i will get in touch,...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Maskott,i know how you feel,i am at the 20 month mark,and i am missing Nathan so much,i think during the summer i was able to keep myself busy,and even though i still thought about Nate every day,i thought i was doing a little better,now these past few weeks,i am just so depressed,and although i don't want to not think of Nathan,i don't want thoughts of him to cripple me either,where all i want to do is cry,and i know he wouldn't want that either,i can hear him saying"Oh Mom,get over it,i'm fine!I also had a good friend lose her 12 year old son in a dirt bike accident this summer,i the same thing happened to me,it brought me right back to the day i loss Nathan,my heart just broke for her,she almost loss both her sons,they hit head on,and the younger son was in critical condition,but he is ok now.It does really stop me in my tracks whenever i even hear on the news,that a child has died,i always think that poor mom,her life will never the same...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Maskott,i know how you feel,i am at the 20 month mark,and i am missing Nathan so much,i think during the summer i was able to keep myself busy,and even though i still thought about Nate every day,i thought i was doing a little better,now these past few weeks,i am just so depressed,and although i don't want to not think of Nathan,i don't want thoughts of him to cripple me either,where all i want to do is cry,and i know he wouldn't want that either,i can hear him saying"Oh Mom,get over it,i'm fine!I also had a good friend lose her 12 year old son in a dirt bike accident this summer,i the same thing happened to me,it brought me right back to the day i loss Nathan,my heart just broke for her,she almost loss both her sons,they hit head on,and the younger son was in critical condition,but he is ok now.It does really stop me in my tracks whenever i even hear on the news,that a child has died,i always think that poor mom,her life will never the same...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[rhonda68]

Kathy 714,

I want you to know how much your post helped me today. There have been 2 fatal accidents this summer in this town and I cried and cried for 2 days after this happened they were young boys as well 19 and 23, 2 separate accidents. I am having a very hard time again, it has also almost been 20 months since I lost Richard as well. Richards birthday is this Monday October 9th. It is also thanksgiving here in Canada on Monday, beleive me I don't feel to thankful. As my birthday is 3 days after Richards mom always use to make a big turkey dinner and make us birthday cakes. Now all that is left is this huge empty space. My heart aches so bad, it is so hard I dont feel like being around people and it makes it very tuff for me to go to work. There is not 1 person that understands what I am going threw I feel like some kind of alien. Every once in awhile I get this huge temptation to just end my life because I am so sick of feeling like this. But I know I cant because I have to look after my younger son and get him graduated from grade 12 this year. What a huge burden we carry.

Love,

Richards Mom Forever

[daveydow1]

Erinzzmom,

Prayers for dear Katie. So sorry that her biological

father chooses to avoid the sweet girl. Shame on him.

He may live to regret his choices someday. Peace be

with you, Katie and your family.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Jo,

You have so many pressures on you right now, and

on top of your grieving for dear son Karl's passing.

I do hope and pray that you will somehow get some

relief from this heavy load. My prayers are for you,

your mother-in-law and the rest of your family. Peace

& Light to you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Ronsmom, Bonnie

You brought a little giggle to me when you said

"who is that hag staring back at me" (from the

mirror). This is

because I have said (and felt) exactly the same.

I do believe that relentless grieving for a lost

child ages a person. I think I have aged considerably

also. In fact, I thought that very thing this a.m.

when I looked in the mirror (no denying it---today's

my birthday) It's just one more thing that we

see happen in our lives, but expecially so after

a tragedy. Peace be with you Bonnie, and may you

dream of your dear Ron soon.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[Artina]

Friends as the "anniversary" date gets closer I just get crazier. I just can't keep it together. I will be glad to start work as I will have other things to think about. I have shared this site before: http://groups.msn.com/HealingAfterLoss/flyingpenguin.msnw

not a website, but pictures of her that her boyfriend put on the web. Christmas stuff is coming out in the stores and there are so many penguins. I guess she was just ahead of her time. May we all find the peace and comfort we need. As Rose Kennedy said: "It has been said that "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wound remains. In time, the mind (protecting its sanity) covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone." Also Elizabeth Edwards has a new book out (Saving Graces) detailing her experiences with her son's death when he was 16 and her recent fight against breast cancer. I am not strong enough to read it but I will buy it to read.

Peace to all (and especially to the Amish families), Lynda

Lynda,

My thoughts go out to you as you approach Julie's Angel date. Your right... it doesn't get easier with time. I was just telling my husband that the one grace that we do get, is that we get longer breaks from the "intense" pain that we felt in the first couple of years. It's hard- that's for sure.

I have Elizabeth Edward's book, Saving Graces, and it is a good read. She basically talks about how "life" prepared her for the difficult times in her adult life. I am only half way in the book and feel like she is the voice for all of us.

My prayers are with you! Tina

[Artina]

Hi..to all. Tomorrow will be 14 months since Matthew died. He is still in my thoughts constantly from the minute I open my eyes until sleep finally takes him away. A few weeks ago, the sister of my daughter's best friend, died at the age of 13. I knew exactly what the mother was feeling to the point that it brought me back. For days, I felt the zombie like existence that I went through the first weeks after the death. I started to come out of it when now I see the Amish people taking their children to be buried. We all know too well what the parents are feeling. I can't shake this feeling either. My mind keeps going back to the day Matthew died...the feelings that I had then. The ache in my heart. I tell myself that I want it to end...but then I know that I don't want it to end because I'm afraid that I'll forget him. Such a double edged sword that we now have to contend with. Just my thoughts and feelings...

Lynda, as always you will be in our thoughts and prayers as Julie's day approaches. I too looked at the pictures, as I have done before. I hope you find solace in the pictures and, possibly, see the most beautiful penguin that will tell you that Julie is still around....loving you.

BettyAnn

BettyAnn,

My thoughts and prayers are with you... I wish there were magic words that I could write that would help ease your pain.

I too have felt the loss of so many who have lost their child after I lost mine. It scratches the surface right off of our wound and it does have a lasting affect. Some days I'm just not strong enough to allow myself to listen to the "news". I have enough to deal with and I have grown to know my limitations.

Peace be with you.

Tina

[Artina]

Kathy 714,

I want you to know how much your post helped me today. There have been 2 fatal accidents this summer in this town and I cried and cried for 2 days after this happened they were young boys as well 19 and 23, 2 separate accidents. I am having a very hard time again, it has also almost been 20 months since I lost Richard as well. Richards birthday is this Monday October 9th. It is also thanksgiving here in Canada on Monday, beleive me I don't feel to thankful. As my birthday is 3 days after Richards mom always use to make a big turkey dinner and make us birthday cakes. Now all that is left is this huge empty space. My heart aches so bad, it is so hard I dont feel like being around people and it makes it very tuff for me to go to work. There is not 1 person that understands what I am going threw I feel like some kind of alien. Every once in awhile I get this huge temptation to just end my life because I am so sick of feeling like this. But I know I cant because I have to look after my younger son and get him graduated from grade 12 this year. What a huge burden we carry.

Love,

Richards Mom Forever

Richards mom,

We just celebrated my son's 24 birthday (4th birthday without him- almost our fifth year without him) and it was extremely hard. My thougths are with you Monday- I know it will be difficult on you. It does seem like the weeks leading up to the day are very difficult too... be sure to take the time to just "be".

Peace to you, Tina

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i understand how you feel exactly,that empty pit in the middle of your stomach,and the feeling that you can't breath,as you watch and listen to others talk about their families and children,and you ask "Why me God "I Feel like no matter how busy i am or how many people i am around,i am still lonely,sad and pain stricten.My heart goes out to you,i know how hard it can be around special time,mostly yours and Richards birthday.My mom's birthday is the day after mine,and we use to always celebrate together,she passed in 2001,and i have hated my birthday ever since,my husbands,mom passed on his b'day so he hate's his too,then throw Nathan not being here,we pretty much dread birthday's,.If you ever want to email me,my email is on my profile,i would love to talk with you sometime,I will say a prayer for you,and light a candle in memory of your son....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[jscmom]

Isn't this amazing, it will be 2 years since John died and I find it isn't eaiser. As every passing day the void in my heart gets larger. Easier no way..harder yes. I pray that someday it will be tolarable..easier I do not think so. We are not supposed to die before our children it just isn't natural. Oct 10th Johns angel date so was his birthday so was John. I am so angry on this new life we have to live. All the advise from those who haven't lost their children or who don't even have them. The everyday things we continue to do as if we are robots. We try to remember as if we forgot and when we do the tears fall as they did when we first got that call. Memories make you cry since we won't add to them anymore. Missing our child is slowly killing us even knowing my faith tells me John is with precious Jesus. My son's death is my slow death one foot here on earth for my girls and one arm reaching for the heavens to hold Johns hand and meet him again. Yes I sound angry because I am. I am sorry if this post offends anyone just one more of those days...

Thanks for letting me vent...whew. I needed that.

I love you son...memory-of.com Corriea-Hartsell

[kathy714]

Dear jscmom,you will be in my prayers,Jan will be 2 years for me,and no it does not get any easier,i feel like i miss Nate more and more as each day passes,did your son pass on his birthday,my son Nathan passed on his 21st birthday,i can't believe he would of been 23 this Jan.I am sorry that you are having such a hard time,it is so true ,we are not suppose to live longer than our children,i will light a candle for you and John on Oct,10th,and say a prayer for you...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[maskott]

Kathy & Artina, Thanks for the replies. It always helps to know that others feel the same way. There are times I feel like a "wimp" because I'm not being strong, but it's so hard to be strong about this.

Sherry...happy birthday. I also feel that I've aged. I mentioned it to my doctor and he said that it was all in my head..that I look the same as I've always looked. I don't believe that for one minute. My face looks 10 years old. I, too, am tired all the time. My co-workers don't understand. I always am asked "didn't you get enough sleep" and I always tell them it has nothing to do with sleep. I explain the grieving process and they just don't get it.

I'm sorry for all the new people. I've had a hard time writing these days. I come on the site and read but get such an ache in my stomach that I can't stay on long enough to write. As everyone says...it hasn't gotten any better, yet. It's a new life that I have to learn to live...and I will because I have to.

BettyAnn

[rhonda68]

Maskott,

I know all about the mean people at work it is a place that I really fight to go there. I don't want to be around them they are ignorant and selfish people and I really feel alone there.

JSCMOM,

I know the anger I am so mad I feel like I am going to explode! I use to be scared of death and now I can not wait to die I have so had enough of these feelings inside and the way people treat me ,is just I dont know dont even have a word for it. They think I am some kind of lunatic and they are the ones that actually are cold hearted.

Kathy 714,

Thank you for your reply it means alot I feel like you are a close friend even though I dont know you.

Thank you Artina!

My ex husband thinks its my fault for Richards death and also for the way my younger son acts. He says I dont disipline them enough what he thinks is disipline is abuse! He is a jerk and he really drives me insane he has never been around for the kids they might see him maybe once a year. He is more interested in chasing internet girlfriends. He never paid a dime for Richards funeral instead he took his internet girlfriend to mexico. I could so smack him into next year or right off this world.

Anyways Know that I Love you all here you are my only hope a place that I can have some undrstanding,

Love Richards Mom Forever!

[bokenhearted]

Dee

Thanks for your kind words. Just knowing that someone else cares how I am feeling helps. You mention you hope that my husband and brother-in-law take on some of the help. Not much chance of that.. My husband has severe Arthritis himself and does do what he can but my brother-in-law lives 400 klm away so only gets down to see his mother about once every couple of months on a weekend. Mind you when he does come down he does what he can but she won't ask either of them for anything just saves it up for me. I will be fine. I guess I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself at the moment with everything that is going on. Surely it will settle soon, I hope so.

Anyway you have helped me greatly just by responding.

Look after yourself too.

Bonnie

Thankyou to you also. I will keep plodding, hard as it is. At least since I was on here last letting it all out a friend of mine has offered to take my mother-in-law to her next appointment with her surgeon, tomorrow. I just can't get away from work this time. Also I think my friend could see that I was at the end of my tether. Thank God for good friends.

You mentioned looking in the mirror and seeing an old hag. I mentioned the same thing some months back. Unfortunately this HAG's reflection has not improved since then. They say the eyes are the window to the soul. I, even if I say so myself, use to have sparkling eyes but now they are so dull. I use to often have a smile on my face for no reason and just recently I had a customer who didn't know what had happened to Karl, say "Smile!! you would think you had the world on your shoulders".. Under normal circumstance I would have laughed... but I hit back with... "Did you think that maybe I have". She didn't say anything to that and after I thought I shouldn't have done that but at the time it hurt and it was a reflex action. Sometimes I don't like the person I am becoming. Oh well we can only do what we can I guess at the time.

I am so sorry that you have lost your Ron. 15 months for you too. How old was Ron? My Karl was 27. Just starting out really.

You take care too.

Sherry

I thank you for your prayers, I will take any help I can get. Thanks for caring.

Jo

[bokenhearted]

Isn't this amazing, it will be 2 years since John died and I find it isn't eaiser. As every passing day the void in my heart gets larger. Easier no way..harder yes. I pray that someday it will be tolarable..easier I do not think so. We are not supposed to die before our children it just isn't natural. Oct 10th Johns angel date so was his birthday so was John. I am so angry on this new life we have to live. All the advise from those who haven't lost their children or who don't even have them. The everyday things we continue to do as if we are robots. We try to remember as if we forgot and when we do the tears fall as they did when we first got that call. Memories make you cry since we won't add to them anymore. Missing our child is slowly killing us even knowing my faith tells me John is with precious Jesus. My son's death is my slow death one foot here on earth for my girls and one arm reaching for the heavens to hold Johns hand and meet him again. Yes I sound angry because I am. I am sorry if this post offends anyone just one more of those days...

Thanks for letting me vent...whew. I needed that.

I love you son...memory-of.com Corriea-Hartsell

You are entitled to be angry, and as you said whew I needed that. I will be thinking of you and your John on the 10th. It doesn't get easier, you are right. I myself found the days leading up to the day far worse than the day itself.

Love to you and take care

Jo

[bokenhearted]

This is for everyone

This was read out at my son's funeral by 3 of his friends. It was written by a man, to his family, who knew he was going to die. Not that that was the case for us but it is quite lovely. Hope some of you will think the same. I pulled it out and read it again last night and it helps me to read it again. Maybe it will help some of you too.

It is quite long but I hope you don't mind.

Jo

A letter from Heaven

To my friends and dearest family

somethings I'd like to say,

But first of all to let you know

That I arrived OK.

I'm writing this from heaven

Where I dwell with God above,

Where there's no more tears or sadness

There is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy

Just because I'm out of sight,

Remember that I'm always with you

Every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you

When my life was through,

God picked me up and hugged me

And said, I welcome you,

Its good to have you back again

You were missed while you were gone

As for your friends and family

Theyl'll be here later on,

I need you here so badly

As part of my big plan,

There's so much we have to do

To help our mortal man.

Then God gave me a list of things

He wanted me to do

And foremost on that list of mine

Is to watch and care for you.

And I will be beside you

Everyday, week and year,

And when you're sad I'm Standing there

To wipe away the tears.

And when you lie in bed at night

The day's chores put to flight

God and I are closer to you

In the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth

And all those living years

Because you are only human

They are bound to bring you tears.

But do not be afraid to cry

It does relieve the pain

Remember there would be no flowers

unless there was some rain.

I wish I could tell you

Of all that God has planned

But if I was to tell you

You wouldn't understand.

But one thing is for certain

Though my life on earth is over

I am closer to you now

Than I ever was before.

And to my very many friends

Trust God knows what is best,

I'm still not far away from you

I'm just beyond the crest.

There are rocky roads ahead of you

And many hills to climb,

But together we can do it

Taking ond day at a time.

When you are walking down the street

And you've got me on your mind,

I'm walking in your footsteps

Only half a step behind.

And when you feel the gentle breeze

Or the wind upon your face,

That's me giving you a great big hug

Or just a soft embrace.

And when it's time for you to go

From that body to be free,

Remember you are not going

You're coming home to me.

And I will always love you

From that land way above,

I will be in touch again soon.

PS God sends his love.

[ronsmom]

JO:

"THANK YOU for sharing that........whoa

[ronsmom]

I should've read further but that poem stopped me cold, but JO: thanks for your response to me...my Ron had just turned 33 his birthday was the week before, june 27...I'm happy to hear you got help at least Once with your mother in law problems, and OH how I can relate to your response to your customer at work! BEEN THERE DONE THAT, I finally quit before I got fired, people do not "think" before opening their mouths. You realize they have no idea, but I always "assume" if someone looks sad and is pretty quiet theres a reason, the majority of people assume your just bitchy. And now after what I've gone through "Who cares" and maybe I am being bitchy. I got a right. Very hard to deal with the public when your in mourning. Try to find something else to do with the holidays coming its going to get REALLY ROUGH!

.......sweet dreams all, and blueskies to everyone,

Bonnie

[rhonda68]

Jo,

Thank you for the poem its what I really needed today as it is a painful day for me. It is Richards birthday he would be 21, I am going to his grave today to be with him.

Richards Mom Forever!

[ronsmom]

RHONDA68: my heart goes with you to the cemetery today. Feel the presence of all of us in here with you, your not alone.

blueskies!

[bokenhearted]

Bonnie

I hope the poem didn't upset you because that is not what I wanted. If it did please accept my apologies. You take care.

Rhonda68

Glad the poem helped. I know it does the same for me. Your Richard will surely be with you on his 21st. I like you, visit my Karl's grave often. I don't always cry when I am there, in fact I find it a most calming spot to be. Even if I do have a good cry I usually leave there a little less tense. I like to think he has some part in making me feel that way. I am so sorry that you have lost Richard. I send you hugs all the way from Western Australia, where I live. I'll say a prayer for you and yours tonight.

Jo

[ronsmom]

NO NO NO, it didn't upset me, it was BEAUTIFUL!!!! I LOVED IT and shared it with my husband, it felt like Ron telling me what its all about. Thank you for sharing it with all of us! I love reading things like that, for a minute it kind of makes some sense of things, (only for a minute)

[kathy714]

Rhonda,i hope you found a little peace today on your son's birthday,you were in my thoughts.Hold close to your heart all your wonderful memeories of Richard...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68~ Know that I will be sprinkling some seeds in the garden today for our Richard, OK?? Danny's birthday is coming up- Halloween- He will be 28, and it is so surreal. He lives on with us still, we celebrate him as much as we can and Jackie and I try to remember the funny stories about him now. She can immitate him so perfectly that it sounds like him and it makes me laugh~ BUT, you know what, missing him hit me so hard last night, that I almost threw up- So, after a good , cleansing, cry I PUSHED those painful feelings right out of my head!!! I then crawled straight to my "heart" where all of our happy memories live on, and are still so alive~ I love you, and a Happy Birthday to our Richard~ I will let you know what we sprinkle, OK???xoxoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

I hope & pray that you found some peace when you

visited Richard's grave on his birthday. I agree

with Jo---I somehow find some serenity whenever I

visit David's grave. May your grieving heart find

a bit of tranquility somehow. I think your dear

Richard's spirit and his love is surrounding you.

Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Jo,

THANK YOU ! so much for the poem. I think that it

struck a bit of a reassuring note with all of us---

that our dear beloved children are warm and happy

in heaven, and waiting to meet us again. Peace & Light.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Maskott--BettyAnn,

I so relate to what you said about being so tired. I

think that the tremendous stress of grief, plus all

of the everyday stuff (work, people in general) takes

a heavy toll and is very exhausting at times. I know

it has been only a little over a yr. for you--a very

hard and bitter time--but the grief/crying does soften

in time. Of course I don't believe for a minute that it

will ever go away. Anyone who will tell you that is just

lucky to be one who has not had a child who died. They

just cannot ever understand. Please take care of yourself--

we need you here at BI. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry