Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Lukesmom and Julesmom,

I hope that your new jobs turn out to be

fulfilling, and it must have been so very

difficult to have co-workers/bosses from your

old jobs being so mean and insensitive. They

obviously have never been in your place or they

wouldn't be so unfeeling. Do let us know how

the new jobs are working out. Peace be with you.

p.s. thanks for the reminder for the profile

feature (I forgot about it). It would

be nice if a very short note giving child's name

and date of death would come up under our screen

name to the left of the posting so we could see

this important info. Oh well--just a thought.

[ronsmom]

LUKESMOM:first, I'm so sorry about Luke.And sorrier that you have found your way into this website for that reason! I promise I will light a candle on oct.19 at 2:44 for Luke. When Ron had his birthday in June, my family and his friends all lit candles, I was surprised how many people called to tell me that they did do it, I'm sure Ron saw the glow from above.

I have been busy trying to get myself together and haven't posted in here for a while, but I have come in and read quite a few.For me, this site is helping in the respect that "I'm not as alone" as I thought I was, although some of your stories are heartbreaking. As horrid and tragic as the sudden death of your child is, I really feel pain thinking of you who have had to stand by and watch them go. I would have given anything to be with my boy when he was leaving us, but that wasn't in the cards. I'm hoping that the thoughts I have had about him filling every second of his life with "fun" and being the free spirit that he was, that he made his life count even if it was shortened at age 33. Those are the only thoughts that keep me going. Every morning I am so angry that my eyes open, and then my feet have to hit the floor. I really dont want to go through another day, yet I have others who count on me still. So even though I'm in this zombie state I hope I am still a big part of their lives.

Its 14 months today and I swear it feels like last week this torture all began. No light at the end of the tunnel for me., not yet. I am having a few days every month where I feel that I can move forward, but then it engulfs me and I'm back to square one. I finally left the "shock phase" I think.I do know he isn't away working, or is coming home soon, or will walk in the back door and yell, "Got a Beer?" I know that isn't going to happen now, so maybe this is progress? I don't know. I just know I'm so sad of being sad, and I really wish there was something I could do or say to help my husband through this misery. If I am having a day where my mind is busy elsewhere for an hour or so, he is "way down" and that brings me right back. I really feel I want to run away for just a little while and have my own little pity party, with no one who loves me around, no one to tell me its okay, and not seeing my husbands saddness, its tearing open that scab that keeps trying to grow.

This is Labor day, no big deal to us, never was! But its a "holiday" and the feeling of aloneness is horrible, its like sundays now, I HATE THEM so much!

Oh well, enough rambling, I hope some of you are finding peace, and when you figure out how to do that let me know........

blueskies

Bonnie

[maureensmom]

Hi, everybody. Bonnie, I know what you mean about this tangle of emotions... I'll have a better day, where I tell myself that just because Maureen is dead, I can't die too; my husband and my son need me, and I'm reasonably OK. then I'll have days where I can hardly believe she's dead, and I can't do anything except sleepwalk through my day. Today was difficult; she would always have been around on a holiday. I had my performance evaluation with my boss last week, where he told me how uncomfortable and awkward I have made him feel, because of my drop in work performance. Sometimes I feel like I'm on another planet. Thank goodness for my husband and for my friends, I'd be even worse without them than I am right now.

At least we all made it through another holiday.

Georgia

[lukesmom143]

Hey beautiful and special people...

maureensmom...I got one of those performance evaluations myself. I was told that I wasn't the same..I was quiet...not as bubbly. Can you believe that? Excuse me stupid people my son is dead! My heart has been ripped out of my body and I am quiet, not as bubble and not the same. Please God help me to understand. Anyway Maureensmom, you are not alone if that helps. Don't suppose we'll ever understand what makes people so ignorant.

Ronsmom...thank you for your sweet words and I am so glad myself that I found this site. Words will never express what it feels like to go somewhere and spill out my heart and know, know

for a fact someone gets it. Although it makes me sad that you guys have to get it. Thank you for saying you will light a candle on my Luke's birthday...that means alot. I too am so sorry that you and maureensmom and all of us here have to go through this. I truly am.

daveydow1...thanks for the good luck about the job. I'm nervous but not in the new job thing way. I'm nervous hoping I can keep it together. the last few days I have cried at the drop of a hat. which I have not done since the begininng of this hell. don't know why it is happening now other than the fact that the longing, the missing to see and touch and talk to my Luke has just been unbearable lately.

Julsmom,,,,I know you've started your job but I wanted to say good luck anyway...I will be thinking of you as I venture into the job world again and saying a prayer for us both. It's hard so hard to move on. But I don't know what else to do. I just hope I can do this. I am a strong person, least I once was..now I don't know if I am or not. I just miss him so much. This is the first time I've sat here and typed to you guys that tears are pouring. My heart literally hurts with pain. Love you guys and will talk to you later.

[ronsmom]

Here I am again, seems today I only want to be around you guys! I just watched my "memorial tapes" of Ronnie again, God he's so cute and alive! I love to see him that way. I know some people can't look at pictures or movies or whatever, but I seem to "have to" at least once a week. It seems to soothe me.

I too had to drop a job after this happened. People weren't insensitive to me, they just expected me to "produce" AND grieve. That didn't work. I was in a department store and tried as I might I couldn't give it my all, I took a position "behind the scenes" so I wouldn't have to deal with people at all, yet the mgr. insisted I get on the floor and help, the holiday season was coming and they of course were short handed! I tried to make him understand that would be the LAST place I should be at this point, I couldn't make "happy happy and celebrate with Christmas cheer" this year, I promised next year to work harder...but that didn't work, so I said shove it and walked away. How could they expect me to be smiling and saying merry christmas to strangers and join in the festivities of the year, during my First Christmas without my son? Didn't make sense. I haven't worked since. I am now ready to get out of the house, I think I've been making myself worse staying in here and dwelling on ALL OF IT, I feel its time to get around people and test myself. Thankfully we were both (my husband and myself) were about ready to retire but really wanted a little more financial stability. He is not working either, he tried a new job and his first day was 2 days after we had Rons memorial!! (my first day on the job was 3 weeks after), but his new job was totally new to him, a whole new career and he had so much to learn, the poor guy tried, and even though his boss constantly told him how bad he felt, he kept piling more and more work on him and I could see he was about to blow! Not his top, his heart! I made him walk away from there. Guess I'm trying to put into words how "inconsiderate" people can be, even though they might like you, appreciate you, "think" they understand you, but when this happens they think after a couple days you should just say okay "its over".....GAAAWD I hope they never have to find out what this is really like.

I recently connected with an old friend, when she learned about Ronnie she said she was so shook up and would call me asap....that was over a month ago. Nothing. Whats that about? I would never ignore a friend who was in this kind of pain. I can't hold it against her, even most of my family has begun to return to their "distant status". Guess thats why I'm in here alot, its so good to talk to so many of you who "get it"

Thanks so much for all your support, I really do appreciate it and I really and truly feel for all of you.

Hang on you guys together we'll keep plugging along..

blueskies,

Bonnie

[daveydow1]

Ronsmom,

I can relate to what you said about Sundays being

a bad time. Sundays are bad for me too. David would

nearly always come over for supper on Sun. We usually

ate at about 5 p.m. I'd be looking out the kitchen

window, and see his red car coming in the

driveway at 5 on the dot. He loved a home cooked meal.

No wonder we're especially sad on Sundays. To think

that we can never give them a meal (or a beer) again

is just a crushing reality. May you find some peace &

serenity somehow, Bonnie.

[enufalreddy]

I just lost evrything I poured my heart out typing..........UGHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!I hate when that happens. I can't make myself sit here and do the whole thing over right now.Sorry I've stayed away.And I pray for a bit of peace and joy for everyone today.It's been over 16 months now and no relief in sight.Walter's daughter,my beautiful Sarah spent last week here with us and I had a chance to tell her about some of the people i the family photo album and I took her for her first visit to her Daddy's gravesite. It was terribly emotional for me. She seemed to handle it well.We visited the other family there and talked about heaven and also the peacefulness of the cemetery as it is out in the country.She is so precious to me.I'm emotionally drained though from the week .I think it went well though. She is such a quiet little girl it's hard for me to tell sometimes what she is thinking.So much tragedy in the world from drugs and the awful effect they have on people's lives.And they steal our children.Hoping we can all find some peace or comfort of some kind today.........And here's hoping I don't lose all I've just typed again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Peace to all, Erma

[philipsmom]

Erma,

I'm so glad you were able to spend a week with your beautiful granddaughter. How old is she?

You are so right about drugs causing so much tragedy. I worried so much throughout Philip's high school years and really thought he had stopped being so wild the last year or so. So when I found out he died from an accidental overdose of alcohol and painkillers it really shocked me. I guess you really can't know if they don't want you to. So sad.

Philip died in March 2006 and I have had probably two or three OK days. I know it is going to be a painful journey for a long time. I hope you have been able to find some peace.

Nancy

[lissus67]

Dear Jo and to your beloved and missed Cory, Happy Birthday. My dad's birthday is today too. He would have been 75. I haven't had a holiday or Mike's birthday pass yet, he died on July 9th 2006. I don't know how I will handle it. I thank God for this place... I hope Mikey and his Pa (my dad) are fishing together today....they loved it a lot. Peace to us all.

Lisa

[kathy714]

Dear Enufalready,i'm sorry you loss everything you typed,i hate when that happens,and it happens to me a lot,i don't know why they have a time out period,what i do if i think i am running out of time is,click POST NOW,then go back to edit ,and finish,time starts over.I am so glad you got to spend time with your grandaughter,how old is she?I also find the cemetery where Nate is,also very peaceful,i go there and bring my dog,sometimes i walk around and read all the other stones.Hope you can rest up from your busy week,and i agree ,drugs are a terrible thing,my son was found on his b'day in a bank parking lot,in 10 degree weather,after being at a bar and drinking,then he left with someone he didn't know...we don't know if he just passed out or if something happened with this guy he left with..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Hi,i hate this time of year since Nate passed,i hate the loneiness of the end of the summer.Every Labor Day weekend we always go to a camping,rhythem and roots festival,and Nate always came with us,we went last year and this year,but i missed him so much it's just not the same,the only thing that saved me was having my 3 year old grandaughter there with us,she kept me busy enough ,to help me through the weekend....t/c Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[lukesmom143]

Hey everyone. I don't know where to begin with what has happened today. I just found something out about my son Luke's death and I am once again devastated. Because he lived in another state near his dad I was not there when he died. He dad called me from my son's house where he had passed that morning. I was told he had a heart attack. I was also told that he was using massive doses of steroids. I was not told everything. I've always felt something was not right. It just didn't seem like as healthy as Luke was he had a sudden heart attack with no signs what so ever. Now I know. I knew if I looked into it there was the possibility I wasn't going to like what I found out. Well, I was right. My son was also using cocaine to make his workouts last longer along with methanfedimines and had also started experimenting with insulin, which is what body builders do I guess. Well not all of them I know but the ones on steroids some, eventually do. I feel like screaming. I called his step mom, whom yes I love dearly and asked her did she know. she was shocked and cried with me and I do believe her. But, I think my son's dad does know and I truly feel he made a decision at some point that I couldn't take hearing it or he didn't want to make me feel bad about Luke. Like anything could do that. I do however, have a great fear in me about my other son Josh. He was so close to Luke and went to see him often. I know they went out and partied alot together. so, I called my son and asked him did he know his brother used drugs. He simply said yes. But, when I started to cry he said mom I gotta go, I can't do this. Did my Josh use drugs with his brother? And now he's working in a flippin gym as a trainer and I worry about him doing the other stuff. Today I had a thought I have not had in a long long long time. Life is most of the time nothing but misery and the last 10 months has proved that. And if all I have to look forward to is losing my other son to this body building addiction then why not just end my misery now. Today I just don't feel like my being here really matters. I raised my sons not to do drugs, to love others, to love themselves and do the best they can in life. How did I fail them? Where is there to go from here? More hell? lose another son? It just doesn't feel like it matters anymore.

[messenger]

LUKESMOM..........HI.............YES YOU DO MATTER!! AND YES YOUR LIFE IS VALUABLE!!! I AM SO SORRY FOR THE MISERY YOU ARE GOING THRU............YOU ARE IN THE VALLEY RIGHT NOW...HOLD YOUR HEAD UP AND LOOK OVER THE LEDGE,,,,YOU HAVE RAISED YOUR KIDS RIGHT...YOUR SON HAS GOTTEN IN WITH SOME PEOPLE THAT YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH........SO DONT BLAME YOURSELF..........HE WOULD NOT WANT THAT..I KNOW YOU ARE HURTING ...THIS WAS A HARD FACT FOR YOU AS HIS MOM TO FIND OUT.........ALL YOU CAN DO IS KEEP YOUR JOSH IN YOUR PRAYERS AND TELL HIM YOU ARE THERE FOR HIM.........AT ANYTIME..NO MATTER WHAT...HE NEEDS YOU TOO ESPECIALLY NOW AFTER LOSING HIS BROTHER........HANG IN THERE.............I WILL BE PRAYING FOR ALL OF YOU............MESSENGER

[lissus67]

Dear Lukesmom, I have felt the same way as you...why wait for more misery? Join Mikey now and be at peace with him. But would we really be at peace? There are people that would be forever effected by your loss. Messenger is right, look to those that love you, look to us, and keep climbing out of the valley. I honestly believe that I will be climbing and sliding back down for the rest of my life. But the day will come, the right day, that we are called from this earth, and our boys will be waiting. I am not a very patient person...but you have Josh and I have Jake and they need us so we must remain where we belong for now and that's here on earth. Please hang in there. I'm trying my best too. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Mom loves you Mikey, I miss you.

From Lisa, Mike and Jake's mom.

[briansdad]

lukesmom143,

What you are feeling is natural. I feel like crap some days because I didn't take a stronger stand against my son getting a street bike.I should have said if you get one you can't park it here.But I didn't.I remember the conversation I had with him like it was yesterday.He was talking about buying a bike and I said " Brian don't you want to see your baby girl grow up? " He smiled and said he'd be ok Don't worry.

We raise our kids to the best of our abilities and that's all we can do.There are MANY outside influences in this world today and when our children become young adults we cannot hold their hands.I know we all wish we could but they have to make the decisions on their own.

Don't blame yourself.I know it's easy to do but it's NOT our fault when something happens to our children.

Take care

[daveydow1]

Erma,

It's nice that you took your granddaughter to Walter's

grave. I'm sure she is a real blessing to you. She

sounds like such a sweet little girl, and that she loves

you. Peace be with you all.

To all,

Yes, I agree that drugs are a terribly sad and dangerous

thing for young people to get into. This reminds me of

yesterday when I went to David's grave to put a bouquet of

flowers on. I noticed that there was a fresh grave close

to his, with two young ladies--one holding a baby standing

there. As I came

nearer, the one girl was crying and started talking

to me. She said that the fresh grave was for her brother

age 23 who died from drug overdose. She said he left a

5 mo. old baby girl. It was plain to see how much she was

hurting. We exchanged our expressions of sympathy for our

losses. I felt so very sorry for this young girl. She said

that if she had another baby boy, that she would name him

after her brother. I hope everyone here can find some peace

and comfort.

[rhonda68]

Hello,

Just to let you know Dr.Heidi Horsley will be on 20/20 ABC's news show tommorrow with Eric Clapton's ex girlfriend. That is Friday Sept 8,2006. Heidi is co host of "Healing the grieving Heart" heard weekly on the voice America health and wellness channel.

Eric Clapton wrote the song "Tears In Heaven" after the death of their 4 year old son. This song was also played at my son Richards funeral.

Tears In Heaven

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same

If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven

Would you hold my hand

If I saw you in heaven

Would you help me stand

If I saw you in heaven

I'll find my way, through night and day

Cause I know I just can't stay

Here in heaven

Time can bring you down

Time can bend your knee

Time can break your heart

Have you begging please

Begging please

(instrumental)

Beyond the door

There's peace I'm sure.

And I know there'll be no more...

Tears in heaven

Would you know my name

If I saw you in heaven

Will it be the same

If I saw you in heaven

I must be strong, and carry on

Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven

Cause I know I don't belong

Here in heaven

I will be watching this show because I know it will do me good, and I just wanted to let you all know about this show.

I will be thinking of you all and light a candle tommorrow while I watch the show in memory of our dear children.

Love,

Rhonda

[ronsmom]

Hi All: just another night with my thoughts. Reading the posts tonight I see we all go through the same things with our kids. Briansdad is right! We can't tell our Adult children what to do. My son had to live on the edge all his life. His thoughts were "if you don't live on the edge your not living"...I would shiver everytime he would come up with a new sport! From motorcross racing, ice hockey, scuba diving, and then this skydiving! That must've been the biggest rush of all since he stuck with it so long. I would beg him to stop it, he kept insisting he could get hurt easier driving home, I always told him to ask yourself "WHAT IF" ??, "What If Ronnie???", he would smile and say "if something happens, know I had FUN in my life"......

Now thats all I can think of, and you know what? He DID have fun! He crammed more fun into his 33 years than I have in my whole freakin life! BUT even though he had fun, I'm sure he didn't want to leave it this early.

Its been 14 mos and 3 days now, I'm finding the tears are finally slowing down I can go a whole 24 hours without a breakdown, sometimes 48, but then it swallows me again and its just like THAT day! But I keep moving forward, we all have to.

BRIANSDAD: My older son has a motorcycle! I'm scared to death, but you are right, they are adults and we can't hold their hands anymore! I just don't get it though, he's in so much pain from losing his brother to an "accident" He sees and worries about "our" pain and he knows the motorcycle is dangerous and realizes now that He is not Immortal! So why keep riding the bike? AND putting his dad and I through that fear of him being on the darn thing when he's constantly trying to get us to "snap out of this zombie state" were in.....wheres their heads? I just don't get it. He should know if our family should ever get another call like the one last year, we won't make it. It makes me so angry!

guess I can't dwell on that right now got enough to go through..

[daveydow1]

Rhonda68,

Thanks for the tip about the 20/20 program tonight.

I might have missed it if you hadn't told us. I'll

be watching for sure. Peace be with you.

Sherry

[rhonda68]

I watched the 20/20 show tonight and lit a candle for all of us. I must say I was very dissapointed that they only spent 15 minutes on it. But what was on in the short time was very good.

To let you know that I do understand how you feel about taking your own life as I wanted to do that as well the pain is just so hard and unbarable. Just the other day I was thinking if I die then I will miss all the people I love here. So maybe its a start I would miss my son and my mom and dad.

Now I want you all to take good care of yourselves. Please go and have a hot bubble bath, go and buy your favorite flower to put in the house, buy a candle in a smell that you really like. How about something that feels good to touch one of the soft teddy bears. Try and listen to a sound that you love.

Rhonda

[Artina]

Hi everybody,

I don't post on BI much anymore, but I do read at least once a week. For those of you who don't know me... I am Tina and I lost my son Chris almost five years ago on January 4, 2002, at the age of 19. I found Beyond Indigo about six months after I lost my son and have been part of it since. In the first couple of years I would post often. The support I recieved was one of the key factors to my grief healing. I miss my son everyday, but the pain is much, much less. I carry him everywhere I go. There is never a day I don't miss him or feel the loss. However, the pain does not sqeeze the life out of me anymore... I feel creative and hopeful for the most part. One of the most important keys to my grief was taking all the LITTLE steps, that at the time, I didn't think would ever make a difference. However, all those little steps added up and did make the biggest difference- they lead me out of the darkest hole and on to a place where I could take BIGGER steps. Supportive friends, journaling to my son, healthy eating, drinking, and exercise layed the foundation for strength and hope. The little steps are more important than any of us could ever know in the middle of our grief. Take the little steps every chance that you get.

Lynda (Julsmom),

I'm sure you have already done this, but just in case you haven't- have you made a memorial garden in your yard... or a memorial sitting room in your home. I too feel it is very important to have a place to "be" with our child in Spirit, thus make a place in your everyday living space. I know it's not the same as going to the cemetary, but Julie is where you are and really the place to be with her is where you feel it the most. Try creating that spot. I have an Angel that holds a candle and I try to light that every night... It's Chris's light. It really helps me.

I think about you often.

Tina

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}~

Like Tina, I've been reading but not posting lately. That is partly because I have been engrossed in Jon's needs, and partly because I often don't seem to know what to say to all of you. My circumstances are quite different, as I had 32 years to prepare for Michael's passing and am approaching 37 years of preparation for the day when Jon will join Michael. I can only try to imagine the immense pain of suddenly losing your child, unexpectedly.

Of course, I share with all of you the many common threads in the tapestry of a grieving parent. As I read your stories here, and those of other grieving parents elsewhere on the internet, I am taking note of those common threads. I have begun compiling the threads to weave a resource for grieving parents -- either a website or a book (or both).

I feel that there is a need for a guide or a manual for all of us, and for future grieving parents, to help us to realize that our feelings, responses, reactions, behaviors, attitudes, fears, and problems are similar to each of us. They are common to parents who are grieving for a child, or children.

For example, we all wonder at least once whether we are crazy, many of us fear forgetting our children in some way, most of us find that others simply do not understand how we feel, and we are hurt by that fact, and the death of our child causes people to walk out of our lives. Those are just a few of the common threads that I've collected by listening to you.

Everytime we visit BI, we realize that we are not alone. There is comfort in that knowledge, although our hearts break, and we cry for each other, because none of us wants the others to have to be here. There's only one reason to be on our forum. I know that I NEVER want to see a new member join us, because that means that another parent knows the pain that I know, and that we all know here.

Several parents have mentioned to me that reading here is often too painful. I feel your pain, every one of you, and I'm sure that you feel mine. It is very difficult to be a member of this forum, for that reason. But for that same reason, it is important for each of us to come here to read, to write, to cry, to pray, to hope together. We are surviving THE MOST painful loss that anyone can endure, and that is accepted world wide as truth. And we are the only ones who can truly, completely, fully understand each other's pain and experiences.

Our Common Threads tie us together.

I just want to echo a few of Tina's wise recommendations. It's wonderful of you to stop by and share your wisdom with us, Tina.

Proper care of your body is vitally important, because grieving depletes you of everything. You will find that when your body feels better, you feel better emotionally, so take care of yourself. Nagging? Yes! Been there, done that and want you to learn from me. Eat right, drink plenty of water, exercise, get outside and take a walk in sunshine. It does help. And your children want you to take care of yourself, as well as your family and loved ones on Earth who still need you.

Carving out a special place to remember your beloved daughter or son in your house or in your garden, or both, is a very helpful tool in remaining spiritually connected to your child. I find my greatest comfort in connecting with Michael, and I focus my energies on that spiritual connection, as I know that the physical connection cannot be reclaimed.

Michael's room was formerly our family room, and it is in the middle of our house. Some, who didn't know Michael or our family, might refer to Michael's room as a shrine. But others see it as I do--a place to connect with Michael's spirit. His sanctuary. His photos, angel figurines, candles, many of his special belongings, and gifts we have received from friends in Michael's memory are in Michael's sanctuary.

Through the window of Michael's sanctuary, the memory garden we created for him is perfectly framed. A waterfall/pond, surrounded with plants and flowers, statues, and Message Stones created by his loved ones for his Memorial service offer me a serene environment to connect with Michael, and to honor his beautiful life on Earth. Hummingbirds, orioles, robins, sparrows, bluebirds, and even an occasional hawk drink and bathe from Michael's waterfall. Butterflies waft about the fragrant flowers.

Your special space doesn't have to be as elaborate or even take up a large area. Just a corner, with a photo and candle will allow you a special location to celebrate your child, to remember your child, and to stay connected with your child.

I think some people may hesitate to do this in fear that they will be accused of creating a Shrine. Like that is a bad thing. If anyone had the audacity to critize Michael's sanctuary and garden as though a shrine is negative, I would respond, "If anyone deserves a shrine, it's Michael. Mind your own business. He's my son, and I'll have a thousand shrines to him if that makes me feel better."

One thing that I have learned during these 3 years is that I'm in charge of how I handle everything. I am surviving the most difficult thing anyone can survive. The way that I do that belongs only to me.

Along the way, I've become stronger through each of you, and through what you have shared here at BI. I hope that I can properly capture all that I have learned from you to create a useful healing guide for parents like us. Because the sad truth is that there are parents lining up right now to join our ranks, every second of the day throughout the world.

God Bless You All~ I pray for your peace and comfort today and everyday~ And that you will feel your children's presence very near and hold them close to you in your dreams~ My candle is lit for your strength and in memory of all of our beloved, precious children~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[kathy714]

Tina,and Roslyn,it is nice to hear from you,and i always get so much inspiraion from both your postings,it will be 2 years in Jan,that Nate passed,i agree,i still think of Nate almost constantly,but at lease now i feel like i can function a little better,and i don't cry,at the drop of a hat!!,I do have a memorial garden in my back yard,because Nate spent alot of time there,and my husband and i both feel his presence there often,i also still have his bedroom just the same,i can't get myself to change any thing.Also just like you said,i do try to eat right[although it can be a challange],and i do go the gym 3x a week,and walk my dog.Ialso have lots of pictures of Nate,all around my house,and i even have on on my visor in my car,so everytime i get in my car,i kiss his picture,and say hi NATE.i still have plenty of days where i feel sad and lonely,and i miss Nate so much,but i do find by doing all these things,it makes my day just a little more bearable..T/C,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Lukesmom143,I felt the same way that you feel,and sometimes i still do.After Nathan passed,and i realized,my god this can happen to me,i was worried sick that if it happened once,it could happen again to my other son,also sometimes i fell guilty because i knew how much Nate drank at times,and maybe i should of said more,or been strict with him,but he was 20,he worked full time had his own money,i do know,he knew i didn't like him drinking,i use to tell him,"why don't you go to AA and save yourself 10 years of misery" little did i know...Please don't beat yourself up about everything,and just try to do the best you can to talk with your other son,hopefully he would be scared to mess with drugs,after losing his brother..You will be in my prayers,,T/C,Kathy,Nate's mom4 ever

[ronsmom]

WOW...seems everytime I log into this website I do get another little peice of inspiration to just keep moving. Thanks to you Tina and Roslyn for your thoughts and words of comfort. Guess thats why I find myself in this page almost daily. Today is the anniversary of 9/11 and after suffering through my Ronnies death I can sooo feel the pain of all of those families.Today also marks the birthday of a dear friend of mine who just passed away a couple months ago.Gonna be a looong hard day in this house!

1 year 2 months 1 week has gone by without my son.The tears that have been right under the surface have finally moved back a little further now and I can actually go almost 48 hours without crying.

I do not have a \"shrine\" although I would if I had a place for one, and believe me it would be HUGE. But I did put Rons pictures scattered throughout the house, I wear some of his ashes in a pendant (for some reason this is the best thing that I did, I feel him so close to me), and we change our screensaver on the computer each week to a different picture of him. I just made an \"album\" of Ron. Just for me, and also one for his sister and his brother with all the photos I\'ve collected through the years of each of them together.After going through my enormous collection of photos albums, I see so many pictures with some of us missing, from now on we are ALL getting into the photos! I have so few of just me and Ron and I miss not seeing us together. I too light candles and I talk to him all the time, I don\'t consider myself crazy, I think of myself as a lost soul right now. Like many of you I too fear for my other children. My oldest son took this very hard and began to assimilate his brother. He has begun to come to grips with it now and being more like himself, so that tells me in time, maybe I\'ll find Me again??

[kathy714]

Dear Ronsmom,i agree with you about the photo's,my 2 sons were 7 years apart,so i didn't really have any recent pictures of my two sons together,my older son had moved out and seemed like whenever we got together,i would take pictures of everyone,but i would take candids,not group shots,so now i always make sure i take group pictures whenever we have gatherings,so no one gets left out..I don't have a shrine either,per say but i do thank god i have lots of pictures of Nathan..I hope you are able to find some peace today,i am sorry about your friend...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[rhonda68]

Hello, just feeling quite blue and pretty isolated. No one cares this is hopeless. Its so hard to keep going when you feel so crappy. I cant even explain the feeling but you probably all know how I feel. Doesn't matter how much you pretend the feeling just doesn't go away!

[ronsmom]

Rhonda:

hang in there girl, we all have these days. Today was one for me too, but I got lucky tonight, my neice and I talked on the phone for almost 2 hours, so I perked up a little.Especially since she doesn't try to stop me from talking about the pain, or my thoughts..just goes with the flow. Hopefully I'll get sleepy soon and just go to bed and try again tomorrow.........or I'll be up all night again and tomorrow won't be any better. Whatever, OH and "I CARE" and I'm usually "isolated", so no, your not alone in this. Just hang in there and keep taking the baby steps with the rest of us..........

Your all thought of tonight!

[brknhrt]

Rhonda68, It is really hard to keep going but we all try. I'm so sorry that you are having a bad day. I wish there was something we could do or say to make the pain disappear. The only solace is that we share the same emotions and this is a safe place to express them.We will miss our children till the day we die.Because they were such a force in our lives. I'm sure that this is how it is suppose to feel, after all we are missing a huge chunk of our heart and it is shaped just like our child. I'm thinking of you and holding you in my heart tonight. Peace to you and those who travel this path.

[lukesmom143]

Hey (((((((((beautiful people))))))))))

Haven't posted in a few days, actually it may be more, times just passes sometimes. Thank you Kathy714 for what you said. It's so hard being a mom ya know but, I wouldn't take being a mom away for anything in this world as it also has it's so many rewards and treasures.

Rhonda: You know I think that it is not that no one cares but the fact is no one and I mean no one comprehends us as parents and what we have lost and what we have felt and will always feel. I have finally come to the realization that if you are not mom or dad and lost a child, forget it, they cannot understand. It really isn't there fault it is just the way it is. I think back now to when someone in my life said they lost a child and of course I said the usual I'm sorry. But, you know what? Within the hour of what I had been told I forgot about it and moved on with my life and my problems. It shames me but, that is the truth. But, you know what else? The person that I am today would react very differently. I would talk with them and share with them and perhaps even hug them and if life permitted it I would even call them on those memory days that are so hard for them and myself. Yes, I would not be the same person as I once was. I believe our loss is not one that anyone other than us can comprehend, it's sad but, that is the way it is. Of course there is not excuses for those who are selfish and careless of our feelings. I have no friends left that I once had before losing Luke. I pretty much just said leave me alone. Not because I was bitter or feeling sorry for myself but because they were so uncaring and I just found that with everything I had to deal with there was no room in life for more misery which is what they were. My best friend at the time calls me when i get back from Alabama where my son was and all she wanted to talk about was her boyfriend. Now, I am a soft spoken woman but, this is what I said to her when I finally got her to shut up. I said, " I am not the same person I was a week ago therefore, I am going to tell you what I think of you my so called friend. all you care about in talking with me today is you and your boyfriend like my son is not even dead. How dare you! go live your life be happy but do not ever call me or come near me ever again. She then stated I'm sorry to have bothered you. I just simply hung up. do I feel bad? No. she should feel bad. whether she does or not who knows, who cares, I just want to make it through a day. I do however pray for her and for myself and my judgement at times. My judgement since losing Luke is also messed up sometimes. Anyway, I have each and everyone of you in my heart and prayers.

[ashleysmom]

Rhonda68, I am so sorry you are so down. Life is extremely hard for us, and the downs are sometimes so low. It makes it harder when it has been this long since our children left. People just think we should be over it. No one knows how to comfort someone who has been grieving months, let alone years. I wish it were different. I wish there was always someone there to give us a hug when we need it. I guess this place is the closest we will ever come to that and I am so thankful it is here. Hang in there. Peace and love, Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i am so sorry that you are having such a hard time,i agree with Ashleysmom and Lukesmom,i don't think it's not that people don't care ,they just can't imagine the pain that we are suffering,and they don't know how to react,sometimes i wonder if they think,if they get to close they can catch this and it will happen to them,or the fact that people get so involved with thier own lives and prblems,they forget about every one else.also this time of year dosn't help me any,it makes me feel so lonely,and i use to like the fall.I just try to stay busy and ignore the fact that no one seems to call anymore...you will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[cc66512]

This is my 1st time in here . We lost our oldest son Brian April 25th 2006. He was 42 .Father of 4 and Papa of 3 Grandaughters. He had a blood disorder he fought for almost 5 years,but God took him home with a Brain anurysum. Was so sudden and we did not see it coming. He never complained about anything, He was called a ambasordor at the hospital as he would go to all the rooms with his IV pole in hand to confort and visit.He always had a big smile and his arms wide open for a hug. I know I am rambling at this point. No one seems to understand how we feel. I was told the other day to snap at of it. It had been 4 months. Well to me its only been 4 seconds. I think it is getting worse rather thann better. Thanks for listening.

[brknhrt]

Dear Cc66512, You are welcome at this sight to express ALL of your feelings. You will be among friends who do understand your pain and loss. I am so sorry for the events that brought you to this sight. Don't let anyone tell you how or when to grieve. You know what is best for you even though you don't think so right now.It has been almost six years since my son was killed by a drunk driver,and it still feels fresh and raw. My wish for you is peace and strength in the knowledge of your sons love.

[daveydow1]

Cc66512,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Brian.

The pain is so hard to endure at this early stage for

you & your family. We here at BI know your pain since

we are all here because of losing a child. My son, David,

died 6/14/03 in a highway crash involving a large truck.

Everyone here tries to be as helpful as is possible,and

we are always willing to listen to others who pour out

their pain---along with pouring out of our own sometimes.

Please feel free to come and read/post whenever you feel

the need. I have gained so much help & strength from BI,

and hope you will come back. Peace be with you.

[lukesmom143]

cc66512...I wanted to say to you how very sorry I am for your loss of your beautiful son Brian. And tell you this; these people here understand every single thing you are feeling. I too have been told to snap out of it, which I was told at five months you at four. It is hurtful and hard to understand why people are so foolish. they don't matter ok, they don't understand and never will unless they lose a child. That is a fact I have had to come to terms with. Period. But, we do know. It is not a road we want to go down but we seem to have too but, you are not alone, come here, talk to those who know and understand your pain and their wisdom, their sorrows can be of some help to you. You and your family are in my prayers. Debrah...Luke's MOM

[messenger]

Cc66512......I AM SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR SON.. I THOUGHT YOUR SON SOUNDED LIKE MINE..I LOST A YEAR AGO TO CANCER..ALWAYS A BIG SMILE AND ALWAYS GOING ROOM TO ROOM IN THE HOSPITAL..GIVING HUGS AND CHEERING OTHERS UP WHEN HE WAS DOING SO POORLY............I FEEL FOR YOU............DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU TO YOU TO SNAP OUT OF IT...ASK THEM OUT RIGHT ........IF YOUR SON OR DAUGHTER DIED ..WOULD YOU BE ABLE TO SNAP OUT OF IT............................I DOUBT IT...LIKE WE ALL SAY.....UNTIL THEY WALK IN OUR SHOES..........THEY HAVE NO CLUE OUR PAIN........WE ARE HERE TO HELP EACH OTHER..YOUR PAIN WILL BE WORSE AT TIMES AND LESS AT OTHERS..IT HAS BEEN A YEAR AND AT TIMES IT IS MUCH HARDER NOW...THAN AT FIRST..IT IS LIKE IT WAS A VERY BAD DREAM SOMETIMES...........AND THEN I REALIZE.......IT WAS NO DREAM AT ALL...SOMETIMES I THINK I AM STILL IN SHOCK.........DO ANY OF YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY ON HERE??????????

CC66512.....WHEN YOU ARE DOWN...CLICK ON BEYOND INDIGO AND LET US KNOW..WE WILL HELP YOU..ENCOURAGE YOU..TALK WITH YOU ABOUT YOUR SON AND NOT SHUT HIM OUT LIKE OTHERS WOULD WANT US TO....MAY PEACE FILL YOUR HEART TONITE

MESSENGER

[kathy714]

Dear Cc66512,i am so sorry for the loss of your son Brian,at 4 monthes the pain you are feeling is so raw,i hope you return to BI,i loss my son Nathan on his 21st birthday,Jan,31,2005,and i thank god for leading me to this website.I have met many wonderful friends here,true friends that understand the road i walk,friends who have prayed for me, my family and my husband when he was really ill.Unfortunantly you are going to find people do not understand the pain that you are going through,but everyone here has suffered the same pain,please return whenever you need support,comfort,or just need to vent.You and your family will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[julsmom]

Tina - it was good to see your posting. I haven't done anything like a memorial space, but I do talk to her pictures all the time. Like many others on this board, I lurk a lot but don't post. This is the hard time of the year, as Julie died on 10/13/03, so we are "counting down" so to speak. And then of course, we go into the "holiday" season. Thankfully since we live so close to our son we do not have to worry whether he can come to visit or if the weather will prevent him from coming (well I guess weather is always an issue here but not as great as if he were flying).

To the new posters - I am sorry for you loss. This site has been helpful and comforting. I hope that you to find comfort here.

To all - this would have been my mother in law's 80th birthday. She died 10 months before Julie did. I like to think they are together since there was a little bit of mom in Julie and Julie was her only granddaughter. It was one of those "blessings" at the time of Julie's death, that my MIL had already passed because it would have been so difficult for her.

Peace to all, Lynda

[julsmom]

Tina - it was good to see your posting. I haven't done anything like a memorial space, but I do talk to her pictures all the time. Like many others on this board, I lurk a lot but don't post. This is the hard time of the year, as Julie died on 10/13/03, so we are "counting down" so to speak. And then of course, we go into the "holiday" season. Thankfully since we live so close to our son we do not have to worry whether he can come to visit or if the weather will prevent him from coming (well I guess weather is always an issue here but not as great as if he were flying).

To the new posters - I am sorry for you loss. This site has been helpful and comforting. I hope that you to find comfort here.

To all - this would have been my mother in law's 80th birthday. She died 10 months before Julie did. I like to think they are together since there was a little bit of mom in Julie and Julie was her only granddaughter. It was one of those "blessings" at the time of Julie's death, that my MIL had already passed because it would have been so difficult for her.

Peace to all, Lynda

[missingchris]

Julsmom- I identify with your post. Today is the anniversary of my Dad's death. He died 3 years before Chris did. Everyone told us what a blessing it was that he went first, because the suffering he would have experienced at the death of his grandson (they were soulmates) probably would have killed him outright. To think that they are together now is comforting. Chris was never the same after his grandpa died.

To all the new Moms and Dads : I'm so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but the people on this site will help you through this. They're all wonderful, and everyone has something to share that helps during some point of your journey. God bless.......

[aprilsmom]

Hi all, the two year mark is creeping up on us too, just a month later than Julsmom's Chris. I used to so welcome the changing of the seasons and this is the first time that I don't want summer to end; just afraid what emotions the cold will bring. A note on grandparents- my mom passed when I was pregnant with my first daughter in 1976 so my kids never had the blessing of knowing her. April's journal didn't have a lot of pages filled but she wrote about fearing death (she had found a lump in her breast about 4 years ago but it turned out to be nothing). Anyway, she wrote that she felt her grandma would take care of her if anything happened to her and that she also felt like she had known her for years even though they never met. I never really talkied much about my mom and there are only a few pictures.......my mom was just the best grandma to my older sibling's kids and I was always sad that my kids didn't get that. Maybe now????????? I don't remember where this scripture is but it says, "I am convinced that neither life, nor death, nor......will seperate us from the love of our Lord............" May we all, along with our kids today, be wrapped in that love, don't know about you but I sure need and have come to rely on it.

Take Care, Renee

[cc66512]

I would like to Thank you all for the warm Welcome. I am sorry that this is the way we all have to meet. I understand what you are saying ,,that people to not understand untill they walk in our shoes. Thats something we would not wish even on our worst enemy.I just want to scream as loud as I can ,, Just show me Lord where he is now and what he is doing . I know he is in Heaven and I guess I am jealous of the others who are with him. I have 3 other sons and a daughter and I know that sounds selfish,but I think it is human nature to always want what you can not have. When my son Mark was in Iraq in Dessert Storm, I was obsessed with the thoughts of what might happen. Lived walking on egg schells. Afraid to leave the house for fear of missing a call. This is like that , with no chance for the phone to ring. I am sure you all will get tired of me. My prayers are with you all.Bless you for what you are doing for others. I hope I can get to that point real soon. I hate the selfish feelings and would like to be at the selfless point again.My name is Carole and friends call me Cc. My best friend gave me the nickname and I lost her the 23 of Feb 2006. I could tell her anything ,and I did ,, but she loved me anyway.

[jamiedawnsmom]

I saw a feature on the news the other night that I thought you'd be interested in. They were profiling a man whose son was killed in a car accident over 30 years ago at the age of 17. This son was a donor and the father was meeting one of the recipients for the first time. What struck me to the core was when they were interviewing this 70 to 80 year old man he broke down in tears while talking about his son. I thought to myself - see, you never do "get over it." Yes, you learn to live with it as we've been given no other choice but we will never get over it or forget it. This man said he has to thank God for giving him the best son he could have, even if it was for just 17 years. That is how I feel about my Jamie. As hard as losing her has been, I'd take the 16 years and the pain any day to never have had her in my life.

Take care.

Renee

[kirksdad]

The loss of a child stays with us all our lives. My grandparent lost 2 children, a girl was scalded to death in a freak laudry accident in the mid-20's and a son who had an appendix attack on Valentines day in the 30's and died. I remember my grandfather in the 50's and 60's not even being able to keep it under control when his little girl's name was mentioned, he would break down and just bawl. It was the only times I ever saw him cry, at the mention of her name. It really is something we never are able to put behind us, it remains with us always in one way or another.

[daveydow1]

I am having a very bad day today. Went out and walked

and walked for a long time--alone. My son's birthday

is coming up 9/26. As with my baby girl, Lisa, who

passed over 35 yrs. ago, these dates are never forgotten.

[julsmom]

As to the last postings, my husband officiated at a renewal of wedding vows for congregation members who had been married 50 yrs, several years ago. Both still cried at the mention of the son they had lost in a car crash at the age of 18. The hurt and pain stays with us. I was sorry for their pain and now can say I understand it all too well.

Peace, Lynda

[ronsmom]

Reading these latest posts I suddenly remember all those that I have known through the years who have lost children. I do remember being there for those people though as much as I could, but never in a million years thought it would happen to me. One young man in particular who was like a part of my family all through the boys junior and senior high years/football etc. He commited suicide on Christmas one year.After the fact I realized he had taken the week before to come and say his goodbyes to everyone. That death hit me very hard, as if he were my own. I'm only remembering this because his family had recently moved away and I had no way of "finding" them and keeping contact and I remember how frustrated I was, I wanted to try to help them. NOW I know how badly they suffered. I too live away from everyone I know well, and its a very lonely road. My moms little sister died at age 4, and I remember all the photos of her in my grandmothers home, she always spoke of little Carol, Never once forgetting her baby. No one will ever get over this, no one will be able to put it behind, I am just glad when another day goes by, I feel like I'm literally in heavens waiting room, and someday my name will be called.

I just heard another two young people were killed this past Sunday, doing the same thing my Ron did. Sky diving, it was at the same place in New Jersey too. This brought back all those feelings and I am praying for their families tonight, because I know exactly what they are going through. I definitely feel their pain. I wish their boys eternal blueskies!

Bonnie

[aprilsmom]

Oh Dear Davey's mom (Sherry- right?) We are with you, hold on.......September is a tough month.

Take Care,

Renee

[lukesmom143]

I am so grateful that I have this wonderful place to come too. Usually, it is at the end of my day as I work all day but, it is something to really look forward too. My son, Luke's birthday is coming up also on the 19th of October and then the next month November 10, the day I lost him. I don't know how I feel. Sometimes I just feel like I am living out the remainder of my days as best I can. He's every minute on my mind. Sometimes I don't even know how I funtion. Although I do know I don't function like I once did. I cannot concentrate. I am so forgetful. I lose track of time. At work when Luke is so on my mind I have started recited in my mind the Lord's prayer. This is something I use to do when I was a child and needed help. I wish I did not have to try and put him in the back of my mind to do my job. It makes me feel bad and guilty somehow. Like so many others, it just feels like it is not real most of the time. Have I not accepted it yet after ten months? How do I get it in my mind or my heart that my Luke is gone cause I'll tell ya I just still don't want to believe it. I know for the rest of my life this will be with me and that is okay fine with me. But, when does all of this really become real to me? Well, going to bed. Hugs and prayers with all of you.

Love ya mamabets