Loss of an Adult Child

[kathy714]

Dear Cc66512,I can relate to what you said about wanting what you can't have,when Nate first passed,all i wanted to do is die,so i could be with him,now i realize how much i still love the rest of my family,and how much they would miss me.Another thing that really bothered me ,was the fact i couldn't fix this,Nate was a bit of a problem child,and i could always fix whatever trouble he would get into.Then he straightened out and was doing pretty good,working full time in construction,and when this happened, and no matter how much i begged,bargained or pleeded,i could not change it,nothing would bring him back...t/c Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ashleysmom]

Sherry, I am praying for you. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. Somebody said to me " wouldn't it be nice if you could rip a couple of months off the calender" we'd have to rip every month off because there are so many of us in pain.

I can't imagine anyone would "get over" the death of their child. Essentially, that would mean forgetting them. That's not possible or desirable! My grandmother lost her son (1927) before my mom was born. He was two. She was always a little sad and a little bitter. I thank God for this space and all of you because we are able to talk about it and heal ever so slightly. My grandmother had no one. The idea back then was "get over it, move on, you can have more children" How very sad.

CC, I too wanted to die, and still want to on occasion. Life hurts and right now it is all about you. You are not selfish and we will not get tired of you.

My husband's mom, my dad and my nephew were waiting for Ashley. It is comforting to know they were there first. I'm also a little jealous that it was not me.

On a lighter note, God does bless us. I am babysitting my granddaughter today! The things I look forward to! Emma truly is a blessing. Our hearts are a little lighter on a day to day basis. I still miss Ashley to the core of my soul and still have really bad days but I can honestly say that I have some good days now. They always revolve around Emma. I was really afraid to love this much again, but I think it's worth it.

Anyway, peace and love to all of you who are facing birthdays, angel days or just bad days, Love, Dottie

[julsmom]

Dear friends, I am crying as I write this. We received this month's issue of the World Ark, a magazine put out by Heifer International. It is a charitable organization that helps people around the world, not affiliated with any church groups, although that is how we know the organization. This month's issue has an article about women in Burkina Faso becoming self sufficient. Julie had spent 7 months there with the Peace Corps (she came home early because she got very ill). After Julie died we established a fund in her name (Julie L. Caster) with Heifer with the proceeds to go to Burkina Faso. While our donation was just a drop in the bucket, I am just thrilled to know that somehow, through Julie, we may have played a small part of this. If you wish to read about Julie and Heifer you can go to this website:

http://www.heiferfoundation.org/remembrance/searchBook.cfm?honoree_last=c

Peace to all. Lynda

[cc66512]

I thank you all for all of the support you have sent my way. I do feel like a whiner at times, my head tell me that but not my heart.I feel at times even my family does not understand. My Lil Sis has not called me 1 time to ask how I am doing. She has called, but not for that reason, and it hurts. I even mentioned it one day to her, and she seemed oblivious to the conversation. I guess she really does not know what to say. I know she has lost too.Brian was after all,is her nephew.I guess there is not a ediquette book out there as to how to cope, deal, transend, or grieve. I went with a friend yesterday for her Birthday lunch. I had a good time, but when I got home I had guilt feelings because I had a very nice lunch and a great time. And that would make Brian furious with me. So then I am guilty again. Our lives are never going to be normal again, but not because of the lack of trying. I am now getting ready for my 60th BDay Tues and I am so dreading it. He would be the 1st one there to make a big deal out of it, and I don't even want it to happen. My wish is not for death ,, just to be with him. Which makes no sense. So with that I will leave for now. You are all in my prayers for peace and confort with Gods Blessings

[daveydow1]

Aprilsmom, and Ashleysmom,

Thank you for your kind words in regard to my having

a bad day. Today is better. It goes like that, as all

of you know---bad days and good days. Yes, babies

have an innocent little power all their own to make

us smile and feel a bit better. One can't resist

smiling whenever they look at or hold a newborn. My

little grandson is 3 wks. old and is such a joy--

Trenton David, as is his 2 yr. old brother. My prayers

go out to everyone here at BI and I wish peace and

comfort to all of you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Lukesmom143,

I'm sorry that you are having such a bad time. At

the 10 mo. stage, I don't have to tell you that it

is a very hard time. Everything seems to have such

a surreal quality about it, and things never seem

right. Just try to take it from one minute to the

next if you can. Other people don't realize that

it is on such a close scale that our emotions can

go. We can never forget our dear children, and those

who would tell us to "get over it" etc. do not have

a clue as to the extent of suffering we must endure.

Take care now Debrah, and you will be in my prayers.

Sherry

[brknhrt]

Mr. Mike Wilson of photocreations is posting advertisements on these boards without permission. He is an opportunist that preys on people at one of the lowest points in life. Please feel free to email him. Tell him how much you appreciate his invading this space with his insiuation that if you care enough about your loved one that is lost you would purchase his product.

[ronsmom]

TO brknhrt: I just wrote to one of the moderators in BI to tell her I found that offensive in this section!! I'm glad to see you too think it was an inappropriate place for advertising. I will email him.

I've had a rough couple of days and when I came on and saw that I felt my privacy was invaded, this has been the only place I felt free to talk about how I feel. Hope others write him as well.

thanks!

[rhonda68]

Hello All,

I am about really at the end of the rope. I have been shunned,isolated, treated like nothing no one cares not even my own father. And no I am not feeling sorry for myself no one understands. My loss has devastated me beyond control. I keep trying to get help but no one wants to help it has been so long and i am really tired of feeling like this it has been 17 months and I still am not feeling any better. All I need is just one person to talk to I guess I am just a pathetic loser and thats all I ever will be just like my ex husband tells me all the time.

Richard and Mom Forever

[kirksdad]

Guys, I tried the other night to get rid of all the advertisements. There isn't even a website that I could find with that address. If I missed any please write me and let me know. Maybe he posted at some of the other boards, but if I see any advertisements I will delete them. Jim

[kirksdad]

Rhonda68, at 17 months I think I knew I was the biggest loser in the world. Of course I lost the most precious thing in my life, our house was a mess, I couldn't even begin to keep up with the bills, my health was on a big spiral downward. Life completely sucked. I couldn't look around and even find the bright spots although I knew I had many of them. Even now I have my moments. I wish things could be fixed, but as we all know, that takes time. Maybe in some future time everything will be more "mormal", but I do know that with each day comes a better time. As each year passes I feel a little better, I am beginning to like work again, I keep pretty busy, which helps to keep me from thinking too much. In the beginning thinking was all I could do and that can really take its toll. I hope things start to feel better soon, but it really does help to have a support system near that you can rely on. Like everything else is it something we just have to keep plugging along at. It isn't much fun, I hate forcing myself to do anything, but after losing Kirk, for the first 3 years or so that was all I could do, force myself into doing things I not only resented, but at times hated. I look back and see that was the normal way, now I know that I can make it, it wasn't easy and at times still isn't.

[brknhrt]

Rhonda68, Im holding you in my heart tonight.17 months is not that long! allow yourself some time. Your child is a huge part of your life.You will never get over the loss,but you will find times of peace. Trust me there will always be bad days but you will be much stronger as time goes on. I cried for days and nights on end. In the morning I couldnt even get out of bed. And if I did' I didnt get dressed or eat. I zombied out most of the time. Every day that I woke up and forced my self to do one more thing. Every day that I do this I feel a victory. It has taken 6 years.Please dont beat yourself up, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to grieve on your own terms. My wish for you tonight is courage and love.

[messenger]

DEAR CC66512,,,YOUR SON WOULD WANT YOUR BIRTHDAY TO BE VERY SPECIAL....HE IS STILL WITH YOU....GET THE BALLOONS OUT...WRITE MESSAGES TO YOUR SON...LET THEM GO ...I HOPE AND PRAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY TUES HE WILL LET YOU KNOW HE IS NEAR YOU .KNOW WE ARE HERE FOR YOU

PEACE

MESSENGER

[messenger]

RHONDA68 IF YOU ARE AT THE END OF YOUR ROPE...............THE ONLY PLACE YOU CAN GO IS UP...ISNT THAT WHAT THEY SAY??? YOU ARE NOT...I REPEAT NOT A LOSER...YOU AND ALL OF US SUFFER IN DIFFERENT WAYS..SOME TAKE LONGER THAN OTHERS AND THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT AT ALL..THAT IS NOT A LONG TIME RHONDA!!! TAKE YOUR TIME..DONT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ON A TIMETABLE AND HAVE TO BE QUOTE UNQUOTE...NORMAL.............THERE IS NO...........NORMAL WHEN IT COMES TO GRIEVING..WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT! WE ARE ALL HERE FOR YOU RHONDA ...WE ALL NEED SOMEONE AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER...KEEP YOUR CHIN UP

MESSENGER

[philipsmom]

Rhonda68

If you need someone to talk to, email me. I will listen and write back. My email is nlaffey@cox.net. My son has been gone for almost six months and I might not be able to help you but I will listen to you. You are definitely not a loser. Losing a child is the hardest thing a mom has to go through. All we can do is keep taking those baby steps.

Nancy (Philip's mom 4ever)

[brknhrt]

Rhonda68, You are in my thoughts today. Victory! another 24 hrs. has passed! Be kind and give yourself a little love today. Dont forget baby steps, baby steps. We will all be here to support you while you are struggling. We are a strong community in a club none of us wants to belong to. Take care and know that you are not alone and you are loved.

[jamiedawnsmom]

Lynda,

I checked out the website. What a nice tribute to Julie. You must have been very proud of her.

Take care.

Renee

[julsmom]

Renee thank you for looking at the website.

peace, Lynda

[ronsmom]

I am SO UPSET!!!! Someone from that Photo Creations emailed me back and told me: AND I QUOTE: "YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOUR DEAD CHILD SINCE I DON'T WANT HIS PRODUCTS TO MEMORALIZE HIM!!".. "AND WHAT DID I EXPECT OF THEM, TO DO THIS FOR FREE"?????????

1) I only told him I found him posting an ad in this site very poor taste and offensive and

2)I never inquired about his products.

HOW DARE THEY???????

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i am so sorry that you are having such a hard time,i feel like we are on the same path,because i loss Nate about the same time you lost your son Richard.I have bad days still,and don't think i will ever stop missing my son,i actually think now,i miss him even more,he was my best friend,as i am sure you and Richard were close.I hate how people think we should move on or be over this by now,they tell as this usually while they talking about there own children.Please feel free to email me if you need to talk,or if you are just feeling lonely[my email is on my profile].T/C,Kathy,Nates mom

[brknhrt]

Ronsmom, I also emailed Mr. Wilson at Photo Creations on the 11 th of Sept., the first time the ad appeared. I also told him the ad was inappropriate and offensive. He stated that there was nothing offensive about it. He then added that he had lost his brother earlier in the year, and that because he cared about him he made this book for him. He then changed his ad to include that statement on the 13 th of Sept.I found his response to be insulting and I question it's validity. So I notified the moderators of this websight. They were very quick to eliminate the advertising from this websight. Thank you Kelly and Kirksdad! You handled this situation with sensetivity and speed. Pardon my spelling...but you guys rock! Thanks for watching out for us.

[rhonda68]

Thank you everyone for you encouraging words to me. My life seems so screwed up. Now tonight I got a call that my 17 year old son rolled his friends vehicle so I went and got them at 3 am this morning. He was hysterical calling himself stupid. I tried to calm him down and told him we all make mistakes. But he has been given another chance to learn from that mistake his brother didn't get a second chance. And I told him I loved him and that I was just glad he was still here with me. Not sure how much trouble we are going to be in over this and I am flat broke so am getting lots of knots in the stomach. I am quite shaken up now that my son has calmed down. It isnt a nice thought to go see him stuck in a vehicle that he rolled sent shivers down my spine and I am not feeling good. All I know is I love my boys.

Ronsmom that guy on here is STUPID! Can't he we get rid of him this is OUR site the only place we can recieve some comfort he should not be in here trying to hurt us anymore. SOMEONE GET THAT CREEP OUT OF HERE!!!!! He doesn't belong!

Thanks

[jamiedawnsmom]

Rhonda68,

I'm so sorry to hear about your son's accident. At least he walked away from it, that is the best thing.

I know how you feel. Sometimes you wonder just how much you can take before you totally lose it. My daughter was in an accident too. Called me crying hysterically. I was very strong for her but totally lost it afterwards. She was fine too but the car was totalled. I'm still looking for that money tree in the back yard but it never seems to surface, especially when I need it the most.

I love my girls too, but I'm sure missing my little one. She was always my saving grace and now I don't have that anymore.

I hope everything works out for you.

Take care.

Renee

[briansdad]

I'm very glad you blocked the ads from Mr. Wilson.If I had something I could offer you folks believe me I would give it to you because I know the pain in all your hearts.If he really cared about all of us here he would have replied to ronsmom in a kind matter and said sorry I'll refrain from posting ads.If he had really lost some one he wouldn't have been such a fool.

Brian's car show is coming up soon.It's on the day he died.I hope his friends can hold us together.I think it's going to be a beautiful day.It's hard to believe it's going to be two years.I guess I'll say that about every year.

I think of all of you often.I wish I had some words that could make us all stop hurting.

The only ones that might help are " I care"

bye for now

[ronsmom]

Thanks Brians Dad...and hey, "I Care"..hope your car show gives you a few minutes of ease. I'm sure his friends will be a big help to you. We spent Rons first anniversary at the dropzone with his friends, they were a huge help. I'm getting over what that A_!*#* said to me in his email, but it sure hurt like hell to read it.

I hate the weekends and today began no differently than the rest, such a depressing day. I thought the weights were coming off of me, but they are back and I think they are even heavier than before, all I did was cry today. Its strange I do something mundane, like do the dishes and I Rons name goes through my head, when that happens I almost relive his life, I see him as a little boy, then in football,his prom, his dates, his friends, his life flashes in front of me. I haven't had another dream either, just that little teeny snippet that one time, can't figure out why I can't dream of him since I think of him all the time. I'm wondering if depression is setting in since I don't "feel" anything anymore, this can't be good. Tomorrows another day and I'm going to really try to do something for me.

Right...like thats gonna help. This just sucks!

Hope tomorrow we all have a minute or two of something to make us "feel".

blueskies everybody;

Bonnie

[mamabets]

Hi Everybody!! I have been out of the loop for awhile and I have missed all of you~ My heart is always here... I just needed to shut down for a bit~ I am feeling stronger and feel now that I can help again!! I am always with you by heart- My thoughts have just been in a very weird place. I can't put my finger on it, but a place that I know is familiar to all. Just "Where do we go from here??" I would like to think that since some time has passed since my Danny has departed, perhaps the pain is going to lessen some. I must tell you- I am feeling a sense of "strong" and this is good... Could I move those mountains?? Not sure- His birthday is Halloween... But for today, I will welcome his peace~ The peace that he most definately wants for all of us!! I love you all and all I can say is... Try to believe in the bigger plan that is all about eternity with our kids again~ This is all we can do. xoxoxo mamabets

[ashleysmom]

Mamabets, Welcome back! I have missed you. I have just been through some of those feelings and sometimes it is harder now than it was when Ashley first left. I don't know if that will change but I too welcome that stronger feeling. I live for the bigger plan of eternity, after all we were made for eternity!

Briansdad, Thank you and good luck with the car show. I can't imagine feeling any different about the year as it approaches, two, three, four....It will always hurt, but I think we can look at ourselves and know that we have been to Hell and survived. That is a testimony for all of us. We wouldn't have chosen this, but two years ago I was sure I would never survive this and didn't want to.

Peace and love to all, Dottie

[Artina]

Briansdad,

I'm sure that you are flooding with emotions as Brian's car show approaches. I believe that the day was September 30... the same day that my son, Chris, was born. I think about how one day can hold so much emotion.

My youngest son just crashed the front end of his 1971 Fastback Mustang... he is okay and that is the most important fact. Now we start the rebuilding process. His car was cherry. It is all original and had the most beautiful paint job. Straight car. He was crushed emotionally by the accident. My husband won't let the car sit there... he has already started ordering parts. Mike has started driving his brother's jeep to school. He reminds me so much of his brother. I feel Chris this time of year more than any and when Mike drives that jeep... well I don't know what to say.

I will be thinking about you as the day approaches... May you be surrounded by loving energy.

Peace to you, Tina

[lorismom]

For Mamabets – Hi Bets! It’s nice to see you posting here again! I, too, have been away for a while, but I do read everyone’s postings keeping you all in my thoughts. You lost your Danny about one month after I lost Lori. I remember that Danny would give you “signs” in the form of hearts. About a week ago when I was out walking, it seemed like I was seeing hearts everywhere in nature and it made me think of you and Danny! I’m glad that you are feeling more at peace. I also am starting to feel a little bit more like my old self; not constantly hurting all the time. As Ashleysmom said, we have been to hell and survived. Boy, have we ever!!! Well, take care my friend and welcome back to BI. Patty

[mamabets]

For Lorismom~ Still, tons of "hearts" from my Danny Boy!!! Just picked up old batch of pictures from Target the other day, and I had FORGOTTEN when the HUGE hearts by the garden were taken!! Honestly, there are so many, and while I do the best that I can to either document or photograph, I want to make sure that I don't find myself "looking" for them!! Danny really does love to surprise us in special ways... It is still so hard, but some days are definately easier than others- Seems as if it is more like "some weeks are easier than other weeks..." My daughter will be moving into her new house with her little family on October 9th- New baby due in March, so this is all happy news. We all will struggle for forever, but I am trying to grab the good and run with it... The sad is just sooooooo unbearable. I love you and it is good to hear from all of you!! xoxomamabets

[messenger]

MAMABETS........YOU SOUND GREAT....I AM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU DOING SO WELL AND HELPING OTHERS ON HERE...THAT IS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT...HELPING OTHERS AND IN TURN THAT HELPS US DEAL WITH OUR LOSS...STILL WORKING ON PAINTING THE TRIM ON OUR HOUSE............I HAVE ABOUT DONE ALL I CAN..THE HIGH PARTS..I LEAVE FOR MY HUBBY....

KEEP IT UP BETS...I LOVE YOU

MESSENGER

[mamabets]

For Messenger~ Thank you!! I am feeling so much "stronger", and yes... Helping others is certainly the key for me- Has been right along, however at times I feel overwhelmed with the sadness, and completely powerless... This wand, I want- To be able to wave it and make it all better for those that have guided me. Not possible~ I just hold on tight to the LOVE that I have found between each and every line here, as my storms do pass each and every time. This has been a very long journey. It has absolutely been a part of my life that would not be where it is today without the help of some very special people that God has placed in my life , through this website. These people have become my family and they have understood me better than I have understood myself. Truly... All of you have a connection to my Danny too, in that he knows that you are helping to carry me and therefore, my loved ones!!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

Thinking of you with your upcoming angel day and

Brians car show. Peace & prayers.

Mamabets,

Glad to hear you are feeling stronger. I think all

of us has to just step back once in awhile and regroup,

and hopefully gain some measure of peace.

Ronsmom,

I'm sorry that Mike sent you such an insulting and

hurtful email. What a JERK. I hope he doesn't find

his way back here again---or any other ads such as his.

Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- Hi Sherry!! Keep those beautiful babies close- They are God's way of telling us that life must go on...I love you and thanks for the sweet message~ xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Ashleysmom~ Hi Dottie- Yes, eternity- It is all about an eternity one day with our angels... BUT, in the meantime, I have so much to live for here, and I WILL LIVE!!! I love my daughter, my family... Jackie has our new baby coming in March...My sweet little grandaughter Julia is soooo amazing- Jackie has done a beautiful job in raising her!! I love you and am glad to be back here- I must step back once in awhile to regroup, but find my way back here every time!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Briansdad~ The car show... The 30th... I am, as always, with you "By Heart"!! Penny tosses, filled with special wishes for you will be made everywhere here~ You know this for sure, and you know that can always count on me to be here for you!!!!! I love you oh so much!! xoxomamabets

[donosmom]

Last Wednesday my oldest daughter had her baby Aaron Xavier she had a very difficult time and after 30+ hours of labor they delivered Aaron by c-section, that evening my youngest son and his wife and my youngest daughter were going up to the hospital to visit Jennifer as they were walking up the steps a man was going the other way and suddenly stopped ran back up and asked the kids if they would like some flowers. My youngest daughter said sure, my sister just had a baby and when he came back with them it was this huge absolutely huge bouquet of all white flowers in perfect fresh condition. He just handed the flowers to them and turned around and left. We think that it was Matthew sending flowers to his sister to let her know he was with her and Aaron. There is not other explanation and the man was gone before the kids could question him.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 – 7-13-2003

[daveydow1]

Donosmom,

Oh...Congratualtions on your new little grandson,

Aaron. Babies sure give us a new outlook, don't

they? The flowers surely must have been a gift/

message from Matthew. It's comforting to know that

our wonderful departed children know about all the

special things that happen in our lives here on

earth, and that in eternity we will be with them--

nevermore to part. Best wishes to the new parents,

baby Aaron, and you and your family.

Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

Yes, I think it it is helpful and necessary to

step back and "rest" ourselves. I get so down

sometimes, and then I get back up. Having little

Trenton David (grandson born 8/25) helps so much. Before

you know it, March will be here and with it, Jackie's

new baby. Julia will be thrilled to be the big sis.

Wishing you and the family all the best. xoxoxoxo

Sherry

[ashleysmom]

Mary, Congratulations on the new Grandbaby! A precious gift! Your story gave me goosebumps!! I absolutely believe it was Matthew sending his love.

[Guest Guest]

Today marks 5 months since my son passed and I can't believe how quickly the time has gone by and yet it seems like forever.Oh my God I still can't believe that this has happened.I miss him so much and I can't stand it. The helplessness that I feel is just overwhelming.I don't even know what I'm doing here or why I'm writing this.Nothing can stop this pain .Its forever I can't be strong.I have to be strong.He was my loving son.The caring and loving son.I should have done more,I should have stayed at the hospital longer. Thank God I told him how much I loved him

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets and Artina,nice to have you both back,i too feel like i miss so much when i don't get to come on for a few days.Betsy i am glad to hear everything is going ok,i am at work and the triage bell just rang so i gotta go,bye xoxox,Kathy,NATES MOM

[mamabets]

For donosmom~ New baby Aaron!! How beautiful!! I tried to email you and the yahoo email that you have under your profile sent it back as email address no longer available- Send me your email, OK?? xoxoI love you!! mamabets

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- Jackie went to baby doctor yesterday- All is well- She goes on October 18th for a check-up, then schedules her ultrasound {to find out if we have a Daniel boy baby, or a Caroline girl baby ,} for the 31st-Danny's Halloween 28th birthday!! I love you~ xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Guest, we all know the feeling well. You were writing here because it does help. It doesn't ease the pain...it doesn't take away the helplessness, but it helps to put feelings down in words to people that understand.

I lost my son 13 months ago. I was on this site 20 times a day. Posting to people that were going through, or had gone through, helped me a lot. They answered questions that I had and made me realize that I was normal when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and cry! It's still hard to go out each day. Matthew is always on my mind and it's been 13 months. I find that things I do now are in Matthew's memory, for his honor, so he will be proud of me.

We all feel that we should have done more. I know I feel guilty for things I probably could have done...should have done, now that I know what the results were. I wish I had hind-site. 5 Months is tough...so is 6 and 7. You will get through this because you have to. That's why I've gotten through it.. I have 2 other children and a husband. I take one day at a time...even one breath at a time. I still cry...I still sob...I still hurt.

I've talked with a woman who lost her daughter 10 years ago. Eventually, you learn how to accept the life that is now yours. Keep writing. I've been having a hard time posting because reading everyone's pain only increases mine, but there are a lot of people here who can give great advice or just an ear to listen. This site got me through the 1st year without my son.

BettyAnn

[daveydow1]

Maskott, Betty Ann,

You are so right---we live this life now because we

have to. There's no choice. Others in our lives love

us and want us to survive for ourselves and them. Yes,

the pain continues, but I guess we just learn to co-

exist with it because we know it is the life we have

been dealt. We know our kids would want us to continue

on, so we do. Take care, and peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Guest,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. 5 mo.

is so very recent. Your feeling of guilt is something

nearly all of us here at BI have expressed in our posts

at one time or another. My son, Davey, age 31 passed

over 6/14/03. I felt, and still feel guilty at times.

I too, am grateful that I told him how much I loved him,

and your dear son also knew that you loved him. Our

children, being adults, knew that just as there are no

perfect kids, that as parents, we are not perfect either.

We love each other just the same. I hope that you will

come back to BI and read/post. Everyone here understands.

Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

To all,

Today my husband and I went to a farm market to buy

apples. While there, I saw they had out candy corn

for fall. This brought a lump to my throat and a tear

to my eye because

candy corn was always one of Dave's favorite candies.

A little thing like this could "get to me"?

Sherry

[lukesmom143]

Today as I was getting ready for work, I need a black sweater to go with what I was wearing. I only had one. It was the one I wore to the funeral home to see my son the first time. I thought, I can do this. I had packed it away since that day and it seemed to be okay. As the morning wore on and I was sitting there I kept smelling this scent. I couldn't place it for the longest time. I kept asking everyone, do you smell something sweet like popurri or something. They must have thought I lost my mind. Then I reached down and pulled part of the sweater up to my nose. I remembered. It was the cologne I wore that day. The cologne I threw away and would not wear since because, well I don't know why. It was the hardest day I have had in the longest time. All I could think of was walking into that room for the first time and seeing my precious Luke laying there. This is the worst memory in my mind, the worst. I screamed then and I feel like screaming now.

[lukesmom143]

I can't eat Salmon. It was the last meal that my son and I shared together. He even cooked it for me. I can't prepare grilled cheese or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because it was Luke's favorites growing up. Every time I go to iron something of mine, I remember how Luke would rush in of a morning running late for school and ask me to iron his clothes for him. He liked his clothes ironed and usually did it the night before, but, sometimes he didn't, I didn't mind doing it, ever. When I eat strawberries I think of him. When I see an old camero I think of him. He had one in high school until it caught fire...and I remember coming home and finding him on the front porch, he was so distraught. But, he rebuilt it, himself. when I see a tuxedo, I remember his proms and how he absolutely hated that tux. But, he was happy to go to the nursing home and let me show him off to his great grandmother and friends. He did that more for her than me, I know and that is okay. He loved her. When I see a man in a blue dress shirt...I remember what he was wearing the last time I seen him,,, in the funeral home. When my phone rings late at night, I stop breathing. But, when my youngest son Josh calls, I might hold my breath, but, then I smile...he calls me more now. He knows.