Loss of an Adult Child

[rhonda68]

A friend is someone who knows the song

in your heart and can sing it back to you

when you have forgotten the words.

A good exercise for the heart is to

bend down and help another up.

Friends are like four leaf clovers,

hard to find, lucky to have.

If all my friends jumped off a cliff,

I wouldn't jump with them.

I would be at the bottom to catch them.

Thanks for being my friend!

You're great!

I truly mean this to each and everyone of you here at beyond indigo. Don't know what I would do with out you!

Love,

Richards Mom

[griffinsmom]

Just a question.....does any one here see a pattern of events that occurred prior to your childs (UGH) death that , in retrospect, appear to be preparatory - like to prepare (you-me-whoever) for the loss of the child?...Like, did anyone out of the blue get pregnant and have a baby shortly before the accident? Or...did anyone buy a family pet just before the tragedy?

Is there a plan? (I guess thats the bottom line)...and does anyone see real evidence of it?

[kirksdad]

Lukesmom143, first let me say how sorry I am, losing a child is the ultimate heart break. As far as the service, I am guessing that since your son is an adult he has his own ideas, no matter how painful or apprenhensive. My niece and nephew, my sister\'s children, her only two, a son and daughter are both in the service and have done training to be leaders. I know my sister is having a very hard time with this, I know she has been thinking about Kirk and wondering what she will be like if her son or daughter end up in the Middle East. My nephew was the one who just lost a child himself, and I know he will be going over, he is training a platoon right now. My niece, I don\'t know. I hope and pray they will be ok, I hope that Kirk will be watching over them so that nothing happens. I am guessing that Luke will be watching over his brother. I know that is little consolation, but what can a parent do when the child is an adult. We just have to sit back and hope and pray for the best.

[lukesmom143]

Hey beautiful people...well here it is getting late at night again...will be glad when I go back to work I think and get back on some sort of schedule. Lorismom....I am really sorry about your loss of your beautiful daughter Lori. My heart feels your heart...and thank you for your kind and comforting words...I really look forward to coming here so much. Rhonda68...I know what you mean about worrying about your son. Before I lost Luke things seemed so wonderful in life for the very first time I could ever remember. I had been in two bad failed marriages and had worked so hard to become independent and to find a place in life where I was at peace with myself. I had no real concerns in life. I didn't really worry about my sons because they both were doing so good in life. When they get to be young adults I guess you assume everything is going to be okay. When Josh was over in Iraq, that was hard. Luke and I fretted so much when we didnt hear from Josh. We knew what he was doing and it was in the midst of all the danger. He lost two of his good friends while over there. Then he finally got home and everything seemed perfect. I remember talking to a friend and we were talking about the trials in our lives and I said that I honestly believed there was nothing I could not handle that came my way...then I said...except for losing one of my boys. Sometimes I wonder did I make this happen by saying that. Because only a few short weeks after that my Luke was gone in the blink of an eye. The day Luke died I remember three times I was going to stop what I was doing and call him. The first time I told myself no because I knew he was in class. The second time I didn't was because I knew he was at work. Then the third time it was rather late and I was afraid I would wake him up. Shortly after that I got the phone call. Now..if I think about calling my other son Josh, I do it, no matter what. I don't listen to excuses. He knows this. He is so patient with me. He even calls me more than he use too. Just out of the blue. Sometimes he talks and talks and talks and other times he is just like hey what's up. But...he does not like it when he hears or sees me cry. So, I just say I'll call you back and he says ok mom and I get myself together. I know it bothers him and I think it makes him feel the pain. Or something about just hearing mom cry. It's hard for the kids it really is. And like you Rhonda I try to not upset him but, I also think that us sharing the pain has brought us closer, so much closer. But, I have to let him choose when he wants to share that pain and that is okay.

[kirksdad]

Griffinsmom, a month before Kirk's death we were harvesting. It was his last day and he had his car and was going home. I had to wait and take equipment home. He got up and left without saying goodbye, I was so upset. He had been gone for about 15 minutes, I had gone to the front of the building still wishing we had said goodbye. I looked down the street and here he came. He got out of the car and came up and hugged me and said he was a couple of miles down the road and decided to come back and tell me googbye. I felt so proud of him. I remember holding the back of his head, he always kept his hair short, and the feel of his hair on my hand is something I will alway remember. After his death I felt that it was maybe just what you are talking about, a pattern, an event that might have been preparatory for what was to come. I will always have that memory, it is a great one.

[lukesmom143]

A friend of mine who works for Hospice sent this too me and I wanted to share it with you guys...it says how to me it feels the world is towards us when it comes to the loss of our precious child.

Don't and Do's Please....

Unless you've lost a child...then

Don't ask me if I'm over it yet.

I'll never be over it.

A part of me died with my child.

Don't tell me he is in a better place.

He is not here, where I feel he belongs...

Don't say...at least he's not suffering.

I haven't come to terms with why this all happened.

Don't tell me...at least you have another child...

Which of your children would you have sacrificed?

Don't ask me if I feel better.

Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.

Don't force your beliefs on me.

Not all of us have the same faith.

Don't tell me... at least I had him for so many years.

What year would you choose for your child to die?

Don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.

Right now I don't feel I can handle anything else.

Don't avoid me.

I don't have a contagious disease, just unbearable pain.

Dont' tell me you know how I feel,

unless you have lost a child.

No other loss can compare to losing a child.

It's not the natural order of things.

Don't take my anger personally,

I don't know who I am angry at or why,

so I lash out at those closest to me.

Don't whisper behind me when I enter a room,

I am in pain, but not deaf.

Don't stop calling me after the initial loss,

My grief didn't stop there and I need to know others are thinking of me.

Don't be offended when I don't return calls right away.

I take each moment as it comes and some are worse than others.

Dont' tell me to get on with my life.

We each grieve differently and in our own time frame.

Grief can not be governed by any clock or calendar.

Do say you are sorry,

I'm sorry, too, and you saying that you share my sorrow

is far better than saying any of those tired cliches

you don't really mean anyway. Just say you are sorry!

Do put your arms around me and hold me,

I need your strength to get me through the day.

Do say you remember my child, if you do,

Memories are all I have left and I'll cherish them.

Do let me talk about my child,

My child lived and still lives on in my heart, forever.

Do mention my child's name.

It will not make me sad or hurt my feelings.

Do let me cry.

Crying is an important part of the grief porcess.

Cry with me if you want too.

Do remember me on special dates,

My child's birthday, death date and holidays are

a very lonely and difficult time for me without my child

Do send me cards on those dates saying you remember my child...

Because I do.

Do show me that you care.

Sometimes we forget to do that in our own pain.

Do be thankful for your children.

[lukesmom143]

Kirksdad...thank you for what you said and I am sorry about your son Kirk. He sounds like a wonderful son....Your story about him coming back to tell you goodbye touched my heart. The last time I saw my Luke I had gone to Alabama where he lived to visit him. I stayed with him and his fiance. I remember when I went to leave he bent over and hugged me. I reached up and put my arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek with tears in my eyes and told him I loved him..he said I love you too mom, hey, it's not like your not going to see me again ok....I just remembered that when I read your post...And something else....I remember his smell....and a dream I had not too long ago...I dreampt that he had died in the dream and I had gone into his childhood room and sat on his bed. I picked up his pillow and put it up to my face and I smelled him....Then I woke up from the dream and I could still smell him and when I close my eyes now I can smell him. Does anyone else have these things happen to them? I hope I'm not losing my mind or sound crazy to you guys. You'll be thinking oh boy this woman is a fruit cake.

[kirksdad]

Lukesmom143, senses are an amazing thing. Kirk loved Candie for Men and now that is my cologne. You are no more a fruit cake than any one of us.

[kathy714]

Hi ,everytime i work i miss like 3 days of reading post,and when i come back i there are so many new names,i am so sorry for all the new people,Lukes mom,Lori's mom,and i am sure ther are others that are new.I have been on BI since i loss, my son Nathan a year and a half ago.I am having a bad week,i miss Nate,so much,and can relate to everyone who feels like they are alone now,My son passed on his 21st birthday,and my house was so full of life when Nate was here,all his friends always hung out here,and things now are so different and lonely.It seems like now my phone never rings,and when it does,it's a tela-marketer.Also the end of summer always seems to make it worst.ICING ON THE CAKE..today i recieved my son's autopsy report,and i know something is not right with my son's death,and i feel like no one is listening to me, the autopsy report states he had an abrasion to the right side of his face and on his hands[Nathan was found in a bank parking lt,lying under a van].The police feel it might be from slipping on the snow,i think he was dragged under this van. There,is so much to this story,but i feel a mothers instinct is always right,and this whole situation is just getting me so depressed...Everyone here will be in my prayers,T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4ever

[kathy714]

Dear Griffinsmom,about what you said,some kind of event to prepare us for our childs death,i had many with Nate,but the one that stays in my memory the most was a trip Nathan and i took to Fla.the april before he passed.This trip was perfect,everything went so perfect,we had so much fun,we spent about 4 days with my dad and my sister,then we rented a car[which turned out to be aSpider Eclipse convetible]and drove down the west coast of florida,we stayed with my brother,Nate was a baby last time he saw him,then we went to fort myers beach.This vacation was so perfect,i remember when we got back,telling someone,how it was so perfect that it was almost scary,nothing went wrong.When i look back on it now,it was like god knew Nate's time on earth was ending and this trip gave us this special time together,and gave Nate this time to spend and meet all these friends and relatives that he didn't know....Strange,very strange !!Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[peacefulnow]

My son, Ian, had cancer. He had two and a half years of battling the disease. He fought hard, but I knew he was dieing and he knew he was dieing. Our last few years together were bittersweet. Time together became very precious, even though many of those days were spent in hospitals. We managed to make the most of the time he had left, even if it was a very grueling ten-hour day of chemotherapy. It was time together, so it was precious and good in its own way. We knew it was time to say good-by; time to let each other know how much love there was between us. We never missed an opportunity to do or say the things that would show the depth of our love. Letting go of your child…it just doesn’t get any harder than that. Anyway, my point is that despite the fact that we were living with a very, very sad situation some of my fondest memories are of those last few days. Watching him suffer was just plain heartbreaking, but there are many wonderful and beautiful memories of that time that make me smile…often through tears, but a smile nonetheless. We knew death was coming and it wasn’t an easy thing to face. I can only imagine how difficult it is for those of you who didn’t see it coming, which seems to be the case for the majority of you. I’m so sorry for all of the losses and all of the pain. Hang in there.

It’s been seven months for me. I know what you mean when you say people abandon you or say hurtful things. It hurts for sure. But, some people that I barely know have surprised me with some very thoughtful gestures and words. It’s a rare person who understands and knows how to express their compassion in a comforting way. It doesn’t happen very often, but when it does it is truly appreciated…simply because it is so rare.

Take care of yourselves. May you find feelings of peace, and moments of serenity. Cindy

[mclaysmom]

Hello to All. I have been posting on the Loss of a Teenager board for several weeks, but as I read the different forums, I noticed that there are so many more of you reading and responding on this board and I come here quite often. It is a comfort reading all these posts knowing that I am not in this lonely and sad world alone...and that I'm not completely insane. My heart goes out to all of you and I feel your pain and anguish...this is the only place where we can actually share this pain....noone wants to hear or talk about it or ask "how are you doing" cause they don't want to hear you say how you hurt desperately each and every second of every day. I have had a hard time dealing with the fact that in over two months since Matt passed, I've only had one or two calls and they avoided asking me how I was doing. I cannot help but be angry and hurt by this....Matt is alive and well in my heart and mind, and I did not just forget about him after the memorial. I truly wish others in my life would acknowledge this and help me continue to celebrate his life. IT makes me want to isolate myself from this cruel and insensitive world and numb myself to everything around. My precious son, Matt who was definitely an adult at 18, passed away May 30 from a rare bone cancer called Ewings sarcoma (only 200 new cases each year). My first post in the Loss of a Teenager board tells a lot of my story, but basically, Matt was a 6/4" 230 lb. defensive end high school football player. At 16, he had back pain he attributed to "working too hard" in the weight room, but eventually it turned out to be this cancer which had already spread...even into his bone marrow. We spent 6 months in Seattle at the Fred Hutch for his first bone marrow transplant (with his own clean marrow after chemo) and he was in remission for only 5 months. Then, we spent another 3 months at the NIH in Maryland for a second transplant with his dad's marrow (his dad was a perfect match). This new clinical trial did not work for Matt and his cancer progressed. He decided "no more chemo" and we came home in early April to hospice. In the beginning, Matt was only given a 10% chance of survival, but he was a tough and brave fighter and he knew that if there was just one kid who could be cured, it would be him. Noone can prepare you for the days of watching your child slowly waste away and suffer in pain...in the end Matt was less than 100 pounds and paralyzed in his lower body except for one knee....morphine controlled much of his pain but he refused to take the amount he should have because he wanted to be alert and awake. It has been over two months and I still have the gut wrenching "flashbacks" of the day he passed.....Matt was wide awake and alert until his last breath....he did not quietly pass in his sleep like we had prayed.....nothing can prepare you to watch your child die. I have so much guilt and second guessing about everything that I did and said that day. The worst is that a friend of over 13 yrs. happened to be visiting me that morning, and I did not tell her to go home when we realized Matt was passing......she is a true religious fanatic and most of our years we have avoided talking "religion", as I am not "traditionally religious". During Matt's illness, she felt we were not "preparing" Matt for his spiritual journey...getting him to read the Bible, etc. Matt was at peace with his spiritual feelings and beliefs...we did not need to preach to him...he knew he was going to be okay no matter what. I invited her in his room to say a prayer with us and then she did not leave.....she even upset my husband by saying something like "I'm glad I was here and I know that Matt has accepted Christ as his Savior"....she truly believes she was "sent" to us by God to "save" Matt....what an insult to us as if she is the only "pipeline" to God....my husband was furious and this just added to our stress....we were trying to take care of Matt and did not need her but I could not tell her to leave. I live with this regret every day and because Matt could not talk, I wonder if he was okay with her being in the room....it has affected our friendship....I no longer feel like I need her as a friend....she truly stepped over the line in assuming Matt had no relationship with the Lord just because we did not go to Sunday school and church.....wow, I'm sorry.....I have too much to vent and probably need to see a psychologist or counselor......everyday is a challenge for me to get up and see the good in life or any joy in life....I do take antidepressants and thankfully they are helping or I'd be a hopeless case. How can I move on and get these horrible images out of my mind? Thanks so much for letting me vent....I haven't said this stuff to anyone...including my husband. I woke up this morning and the first thing I said to myself was "I'm so pathetic....I'm lost and lonely and tortured and my heart is broken....I know this is a pity party...but I can't help it. Matt's biggest fear was that we would not be okay, so I know I have to move on and come out of this for him....I told him I would be okay...but I did not tell him when! Sorry this was so long! Peace and comfort to all, Pam

[erinnzmom]

Pam,

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Matt, you are not crazy. You are not pathetic! You are dealing that best that you can with the unbearable loss of your son! Unless they've walked in your shoes..No one knows. There are no manuals on how to handle this.. You are so new on this journey that we are all on. I'm glad that you found this site. You can say anything to any of us. We have all lost children, one day, one week, one month, one year, 10 years, or one hundred, I don't think that we ever get over it. You'll have better days. Moments that are better, People do avod talking to us. Afraid of saying the wrong thing so they say nothing at all. Some people will say to me I thought of calling you but didn't want to bother you. Actually, I hate the question how are you doing? because you're right, most of the time they don't really want to know, Don't live with regret your beautiful son is in Heaven now and looking down and I belive that all of our children are together and brought us to this site. And when we all get there. It'll be some party. My daughter Erinn died @ age 31 unexpectedly on July 30th 2005, after being in the hospital only 7 hours, and some days it still doesn't feel real. I still want to hold her and touch her and hear her voice.

It is nice to be validated to know that we are not crazy and this abnormal normal is where a lot of parents are.

Hugs and prayers

Love,

Laurie

AlwaysErinnzmom

[erinnzmom]

Lukesmom

Thank you so much for the don'ts and do's

I'll send it to my co workers and people @ my granddaughter's school, and my friends at church,

I hope that they don't mind but I kind of rewrote it from my granddaughter's ,Katie's, point of view . She was 12 when she lost her mom. and some of the things that are said to her even from the teachers..well you know ..we could all write a book. I'm asking that all the staff read it before the start of the school year.

Hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[julsmom]

Griffinsmom - I have wondered the same myself. Julie was a teacher. She taught her first semester Jan 03 to June 03 and got a permanent teaching position for 9/03 (she died 10/03). Even though she could have found some type of employment for the summer, she didn't. She said this was her last chance at fun and the next summer she would have to be a "grown up" and work. So she spent the summer with us (Not Enough), her boyfried in Pittsburgh (we lived in NJ, she lived on Long Island) and visiting friends from college. Sometimes I wonder if she knew her time was short and she had to cram in all those things. She was always like that, she had to do everything, she didn't want to miss out on anything.

When we moved to NJ in June 2003, some folks said, great you will be near to your daughter (farther from our son though). The position my husband took was the one he wanted, it was perfect. Too perfect, we kept waiting for the "other shoe to drop." Which of course it did in October.

Our move back to OH to be near our son is not without some hardship, but just to be so close to him has give us some peace.

Peace to all, Lynda

[mamabets]

For Julsmom~It is good to see you here again, Lynda, and I am happy that you are near your son. Where in Ohio? My hub is from there- My special love to you always and know that I am thinking about all of you. mamabetsxoxoxo

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I feel so badly for you because of the autopsy report

being so vague, and that you have so many unanswered

questions regarding your dear Nate's death. It is so

understandable why these questions haunt you. Yes, I

also believe that questions are glossed over when the

police/officials don't know the answers and just hope

that it will all subside. I am praying that you can

somehow find out the info you are seeking, and that

you will be able to somehow find some peace & serenity.

[daveydow1]

Mclaysmom, Pam

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Matt to cancer.

Please, please come back to BI and post/read whenever you

feel the need. Everyone here understands your sadness and

pain like no others (unless they too have lost a child).

As for the religious woman who did not have the grace or

good sense to leave your family in privacy to be with your

dear son at the end.She was very ignorant. Yes, I, too, feel insulted whenever someone

starts trying to "save my soul" just as though they assume

that I am a godless heathen. Your dear son, Matt, had his

own spirituality and that was enough--he did not need her

'religious' input. I'm not surprised that it has effected

your friendship. I have ex-friends that were unbelievably

unfeeling in the things they said to me. I don't bother with them

anymore. I am contented to keep to myself. BI is the only

place I can go to and vent and say what is in my heart. I pray

that you will find solace in the love you had for Matt. My

son Davey, died 6/14/03. I miss him every day. Peace & light

to you and your family. Sweet Matt is always in your heart & soul.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[ronsmom]

PAM: I am so sorry for your loss as well.I can understand the frustration of your religious intruding friend. Try to let that go. (her too) it will only stress you more and more, Matt knew what she was like and he also knew how caring you are and wouldn't be rude to a friend. He may have even thought "poor mom, putting up with this fanatic!"...

My world stopped when I lost my son (Ronnie)very suddenly and with no warnings. He was a good guy. Very athletic, but always seemed to love those "no fear" type of sports. He was killed along with his girlfriend last year on the 4th of July (2005), they were skydiving and practicing for nationals, they collided and tangled the chutes, and fell to the ground.both Died instantly. He was 33 (just turned 33 the week before).. He was an xray techician who did contract work and went to different states, at this time he was in NJ, we live in florida. We got a phone call and we were told he was dead. The world stopped.What do you do next? I haven't taken medications, I haven't seen a therapist, I am trying to get through the days with between 4-7 hours sleep. I quit my job, and I've been a "dead woman walking" for the past 13 months. Friends?? I only had a few, but since they don't understand and can't comprehend the dimension I'm in, they are gone. I've been reading many books, and so far the only help I'm feeling is Right Here on Beyond Indigo. To read your stories and know the amount of pain each and everyone of you are experiencing makes me feel connected to the world again. Maybe in the next few months I rejoin the outside world again. I know Ron is in heaven, or a BETTER place. He may have died way too young, but he wasn't tortured, pain wracked, or suffering for long periods. Some people have a passion. I have never been fortunate to have any "passion" about a certain thing, but my Ron was so passionate about sky diving, and he was good at it, he Loved it! I hated to hear "well, he died doing something he loved".That was the worst thing to hear, yeah maybe he was doing something he loved, but he wanted to probably be the Oldest jumper out there, he didn't want to DIE doing it. But NOW, I think the quickness of it was only painful to me and my family, I'm grateful he didn't suffer, and hopefully he had that great big "Beautiful grin" on his face before any realization may have set in.I so hope that was the case. He was a good man and loved by so many people, and so missed.

well, I've vented once again. Thank you people for being here and sharing all this with me, theres so many of us, yet I've found so few personally to go through this with me, blueskies to all of you,

Bonnie

[lukesmom143]

If tears could build a staircase and memories a lane...I would walk right up to Heaven and bring you home again. I love you Luke. 10/19/79-11/10/05

[lorismom]

For Mclaysmom (Pam) ……. I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your son, Matt, to cancer at such a young age. I lost my daughter, Lori, in a car accident on May 3, 2004. She was 34 years old and my only child. You are always welcome to come here and share your feelings. Everyone here understands the pain that we endure on this journey……a journey that none of us signed up for…..but yet we’re here trying to help each other as best we can to help soften the grief and maybe find a little joy again in our lives. My heart goes out to you. Take care, Patty

[mclaysmom]

Dear friends:

Your posts brought tears to my eyes this morning......a tremendous weight was lifted as I realized what a special haven this place is. It is so hard to see or understand the "truths" when you are hurting...everything is so raw. Your words were wise and comforting....your survival alone is encouraging and your compassion fills the distance between us. I think that somehow in this painful world, when we help others to heal, it will, in turn, help ourselves to heal.

Bonnie, YES Matt did know too well what this friend was like---it's so interesting you say that because Matt and I always had sort of a "running joke" about her "preachy" style...she even gave him a Bible with his name on it a couple of weeks before he passed...he was so weak he could barely watch t.v much less read...she hinted later that the Bible was more for "me". Matt probably did think "poor mom"! I can only imagine that Ron was most "alive" when he was up there soaring in those clouds above the world...most of us are just happy with our sedate lives restrained by our fears and insecurities....I'm in awe of this free spirit and fearlessness. I'm so sorry that Ron did not have a lifetime to explore the world and discover many other passions. Whether we lose our kids through disease or accident, the world we know and live in has come to an end....it is a slap in the face reminder of how we are not in control of anything at all....of how fragile life is....how cruel it can be. When I feel like this, I tell myself that life is for the living...what else can we do but keep living....I have two other sons who keep me going and I'm so thankful for that....they need me as much as I need them.

SHERRY: I know I should stop blaming myself because if she was a true friend she would have left the room and gave Matt the dignity he deserved and the privacy we needed. I have gotten together with her once since the memorial, and she even said that "God must have put her there for us." I guess this is the excuse or "reason" for her intrusiveness and boldness...she was God's conduit. Other than our different approach to religion, she and I have had many good times in the past years, but it may be time to let her go....she overstepped the boundaries and I don't know if I can forget this.

LAURIE: I was touched by your words "don't live with regret". My heart tells me that I need to stop rewinding those horrific days, but my brain is like stuck in play....I am trying so hard to "let go" of the things I cannot change, as I know how precious time is and I don't want to waste it on regrets....so easy to say but hard to do. I will keep trying.

I'm sorry if I ramble too much....I'm so grateful for all of you and BI where we can try to sort out our feelings....the objectivity and wisdom of those who have moved further down the road in this journey gives hope to those of us just beginning. Comfort and peace, Pam

[ronsmom]

I wanted to share my "LIGHT HEARTED" day with you, Weds (23rd) was my anniversary...but that was nothing much to celebrate (37yrs) I had woke up that morning HAPPY because after 1YEAR 1MONTH 2WEEKS and 5DAYS I had my First Dream With Ron in it! It was AWESOME to see him! BUT...it was so short, because my conscious mind immediately realized it was a dream and my EYES POPPED OPEN!!!! SUCH a Bummer!

BUT, he was at the front doorway, and just stood there and gave me his big ol SMILE and I screamed IT IS YOU!!

and then woke up!! arrrggghhh But all day I felt so light and good. I haven't felt good for 1year 1 month blah blah blah blah.....I so hope he comes again now, and this time I hope I'm not "smart" enough to realize its a dream and can go with the flow of it and enjoy his company.

......oooh this road is so long, so many times the "waves" hit after being "ok" for a few minutes.

We did go out that evening to dinner, and afterwards took a walk on the beach. Its so wonderful to walk on the beach at Night, your so small and insignificant and all you see is stars and hear the waves. We stood and hugged and cried, we threw a rose out into the water for Ronnie and came home.

That heaviness crept back into my soul that night, but I will relish those hours during the day that I felt Lighter!!. Hopefully that will happen more and more with time. Thats what all of you are promising, so I hope its true.

I did try to post this little happy experience that night, but apparently it didn't come up!

As I'm going through this hell of mine, I am trying to help a dear friend of mine go down the same road: her husband recently died of cancer, diagnosis and death were very quick! Shes having a rough time as she has a son with some mental illness, and a daughter who lives in another state and ready to have her first child, please include her in your prayers tonight.

OH theres so many of us.

blueskies to you all tonight,

Bonnie

PAM: I just KNEW your son knew that woman was a fruitcake! Hang in there!

[rhonda68]

Ronsmom I am so happy you had a little bit of a better day and awesome to see your son in a dream. I wish so much my son would connect with me, it just feels like he is lost.

Today I am going to a wedding it is my cousin whom is getting married he is only a couple of years older than my son Richard and I am feeling kind of depressed today not really wanting to go. I wish that I could just hide in this house forever. No one seems to understand this I am getting so much pressure all the time to do this and that. My heart aches daily and feels as if though it is going to come right out.

Thoughts are with all of you,

Richards mom

[mclaysmom]

Bonnie: So HAPPY for your dream! I've noticed that lots of moms do not dream about their children or have had only one dream, etc. I am also one of them and I truly can't believe it because when my mother died at 82 four years ago, I had vivid dreams several times a week for almost a year.....like clockwork...and each dream "felt" like a visit and in each one, it was like she was tenderly holding my hand and guiding me through the grief...each dream layered upon the other and after a few of them, it was clear what she was trying to do. Why is it that we cannot dream easily of our children? My husband says I am trying too hard....but not really.....I am looking forward to that light morning so much when I have had the chance to see, feel, or hear Matt again. My husband says that Matt is spending time with his girlfriend since the 3rd grade and helping her heal....she lost her father one week before Matt died....I have spoken with her and she says sometimes she can feel Matt's hand on her shoulder or hear him wispering in her ear...she also has dreams of him....right after he died, she says he came to her that night and they were driving along in her truck and he reached over and took her hand and held it tight....she woke up feeling his hand in hers! Matt had told me a few weeks before he passed that he would send me a sign, and three days after he passed, I had a truly "unbelievable" experience.....I've always been a skeptic about these things until that night.....and it was NOT wishful thinking....at three a.m. I woke up feeling a tingling on my arms outside the covers...sort of cold chills....I told my husband that I missed Matt so much....then I had this strong overwhelming feeling come over me and I just said out loud "Matt is here".....then opened my eyes and on the ceiling above a family portrait (which I had moved up from the basement and shown to Matt earlier), was a halo of light....a golden color ring with sorta "glowing" white light cast across the portrait and on the wall....I KNEW it was Matt's sign...(I also had Matt's baby hand tattooed on my back with a halo and the word "Until..." before he passed.....he loved it cause mom had NEVER had a tattoo before. I blinked several times to make sure I was not dreaming...I sat up and starting crying and asking my husband was there a light on by his table or did one of our sons come up the stairs and turn on a light....of course, it was totally dark in the room and there was no light coming from anywhere.....he believed me and said that he was too asleep to see it and that Matt knew I needed to see it and had promised me. As I was upset thinking my husband did not believe me and as I was questioning him about the lights, etc., I heard clearly Matt say "Mom---Stop it....Believe".....and a peace came over me unlike anything I have ever felt. Every now and then, I do question myself, but I always come back to "I know what I saw and I know what I felt....I have never experienced this in my life....so I do believe he sent me the best sign he could have .....we also used to say all the time that "Matt was born with a halo over his head"....he was the perfect child and I could have had 5 of him easily. I've desperately wanted to hear from him again....in dreams especially...but I have had none....it is so frustrating.....I hope he will some day give me that dream visit...maybe this isn't a "boy" thing...don't know but I'll keep waiting and anticipating! Hope and peace to all, Pam

[ericasmom]

dear Pam and Everyone,

hi, i have missed a few days and I missed hearing what you all had to say though I was sad to see Pam here. I am so sorry for your SOn's illness and death. I think that he sounds like a wonderful young man, and I am glad that you have found us here. Perhaps he directed you somehow, as he wanted you to be okay. This is the biggest reason ;that I am as okay as I am. Eri died 6 days after her car was struck by a fast moving train. I too was with my child during her last breath. A full circe hu? Her first and last breath. WE had all of the life support taken away on the 6th day, and there were times that I wondered...what if she was going to be the one to wake up and be fine and make medical history? But my knowing self, my instinctual self, the mom in me, knew that Eri needed to be freed from the restraints that kept her tethered to us, she needed to fly. She was going to die no matter what, her brain was destroyed in the accident. And so my son Jon, her dad, and I, let her go. Pam, I think that no matter what there will be some guilt in the way we feel after our kids leave. The religious lady had absolutely no clue, and fully believes she was sent there, you were dealing with your little one leaving adn you also probably did not want to offend her...I hope that your boy lets you know that yes, while she was annoying , it was you and his dad that mattered and you and his dad that helped him live a good life, and cross over in peace. I hope you give yourself a bit of a break, you are not pathetic, you have gone through a huge trauma, years of fighting for your son's life, and he still had to leave. It has only been a few months, and anger pain and brokeness is what we all understand here. You are not going overboard believe me, when you worry about venting too much, or going on too long, it is what you need to do, we all needed and still need to do. It is why we begin to heal here knowing that others are on the other end, a lifeline of sorts, listening tous, knowing our pain, understanding our needs and encouraging us. WE all promise that it will not always feel as it does today, it will change and some of it gets more painful for a time and then eases somehow. It is an up and down road, but one thing sure, we are all on it together. Our kids are free together...and they will always smile on us and bless us with their short lives. We will always have sons and daughters and we will never forget them.

One of the prettiest sympathy cards I received when Erica died said/ all creatures on earth live a full life, no matter how short the life, it is full.

I agree, short but full.

Peace,

Dee

[lukesmom143]

Hey everyone...I came here last night and a few times during the day today. I didn't post because everyone seemed to be in somewhat better spirits and I did not want to put a shadow on that. Guess that is why I just keep my mouth shut a lot of the time to the people in my life, I just don't want to seem like the person who is always down. I really am not that kind of person. I love to laugh and make others laugh. I want to be able to offer others comfort and feel like I'm doing some kind of good here and in my life but, I'm not sure how to do that anymore. My mind is just so consumed with so many different things regarding Luke and now my only son Josh who I have learned will be going back to Iraq in the Spring. I am not a worrier. I have learned the hard way long ago that worrying accomplishing nothing but, unecessary problems for oneself. But, since learning of this thing with Josh I have been having such bad dreams. I was having them before about Luke but, they had stopped for about a month now. Now the dreams about Luke are back and now dreams about Josh. I don't even want to say what the dreams are about. I just wish I could forget them. But, they are with me all through the day. On a good note though speaking of good dreams. Shortly after my Luke passed I had a dream...so simple...an open field with wildflowers every where. Luke and his fiance where in the middle of the field and it was like I was watching them...they were laughing and doing cartwheels through the wildflowers. I would love to have that dream again. It brought me such peace as the dreams you guys spoke of in your post. so, why the nightmares. I am beginning to feel as if my dreams are trying to tell me something and is that something that I am going to lose my only son when he goes back to Iraq. I hate my thoughts and just wish they would go away. I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry I come on here and have nothing but depressing things to say.

[ericasmom]

Lukesmom,

you never need apologize or hold back, we are all here for the same sad reason, we lost our little loves. YOur dreams scare you, they would scare me too, I know how hard it is when we have faced such sadness and tragedy to know when something is showing us signs and when our minds are simply on overload with worry. I really think that you should let us know whenever you are feeling this way, holding it back is so not good for you. I really do not know what I would do in your shoes... you must respect your son's decision to go back into Iraq, and what a brave and wonderful soldier he is, but you are afraid. I will hold you in my prayers and Josh too. Until the time he leaves however, try to live each day to the fullest, keep posting, and read up on dreams perhaps. I saw a therapist after Eri died, stayed for a bit more than two years, she helped me with my fears that mostly revolved around my son.

You are not bringing everyone down, remember that.

Love,

Dee

[daveydow1]

E everyone at BI,

I'm glad that no one who comes here has to feel as

though they have to hold back or 'put on a face' as

we sometimes need to do with the general public, friends,

and even family. Everyone here understands, and we all

need help sometimes, and are glad to help others if we can.

Oh-----my good news!!! I have a new grandson, born Fri.

night 8/25. Trenton--who weighs 7 lb. 5 oz. Mom and babe

are doing well. He has a small birthmark under his tiny

chin. It is dk. brown and is oval--about pea size. I

hope it is good luck. Has anyone ever heard if it is good

or bad luck to be born with a birthmark? Seems I read

something once about that, but cannot remember now.

Peace & serenity to all here at BI.

[ronsmom]

Dee: please keep writing your pain and your nightmares. I have written to myself before I found this sight, and sometimes the posts others make once I've written have really been helpful in getting through One More Day......you have every right to be frightened., but have faith in your son, I've had 3 servicemen in the family and they are trained So Well! My husband was in Nam back in the late 60's and I feared for him then too, its only natural in war time, but your son knows how to take care of himself, he also knows your pain from such a recent loss so he will be doubly careful over there! Trust him. He will need to leave here with a clear head, and he has a lot in his head right now! So come in here and cry, scream, tell us were all nuts, whatever it takes to get you through another day of this torture.

My first dream when I lost Ron was a Nightmare. Ooooh so scary. My son was very athletic and athletes usually have very low pulse rates. I've had to remind Dr.s and nurses of this several times for different mishaps he had or surgeries....the night he died, we had made arrangements to have him cremated and I dreamt he was In the crematorium, and suddenly I burst into the room telling them to check his pulse, no one could hear me and they proceeded to take him away, I woke up so upset thinking "what if"...that stayed with me for several weeks. So I know nightmares! Now after a year, I finally got my real "dream" last weds., and it was him with a smile on his face. That made my day. So I had a couple days of feeling a little lighter, but its dissapating quickly, I just STILL have such a hard time dealing with the reality of it.

Daveydow1: I don't know about any birthmark and significance, but I'm thrilled you have a new grandbaby around! Thats wonderful news, he will surely give you some reasons to smile again and have a few "light days"....congratulations!

I'm trying to figure out how to be my old self, but its been so long I can't remember what I was like anymore!..hope I find myself someday cause I'm really not too crazy about this new me, and I know my kids probably aren't either since were all working through this together, or Trying to!.....have a good night all: blueskies to you....

Bonnie

[lukesmom143]

Congradulations Daveydow1 on the birth of your grandchild Trenton....!!!! And thanks to you and Dee for your kind words. I guess I will have to get use to being able to come here and vent and not feel like I feel when I do that with people in my life. Bonnie, I understand what you mean about my son needing to leave here with a clear mind. Before he went over there the first time I made sure he knew everything and everyone here back home was fine and that we would be here for him when he came home. Knowing the kind of work he was doing over there, what little he would and could tell me, I knew he needed not to be concerned about us. He needed is total concentration on doing his job and keeping himself and his fellow Marines alive. when he would get to call it was important to me to have a bright and positive talk and nothing other than that would do. I wanted him to feel good when he hung up that phone. I remember how Luke stressed so much when his little brother was over there. He would call me and want to know if I had heard from him, very often. Little did we know that upon Josh's return from Iraq that a few months down the road we would lose Luke. I didn't worry about Luke as much as I did Josh. From the day he was born he was so independent and sure of who he was and what he wanted. He was the strongest person I have ever known in my life and he always made the right choices. Which makes it so very hard for me to understand why, why he put steroids into his body as he did. After his death I talked with his fiance, I called her one night and I said look I have some questions, some things I need to know. I asked her did he know the risks he was taking and she said yes he knew there was risks. I will tell you this right now..I know if my son knew that one of those risks was his death he would not have accepted that. I have done a lot of research into the world of body building and I have found that most of these young men are never fully aware of the dangers, not until it is too late. That makes me so sad. My son was to graduate college the month after his death. Something he believed in and strived and struggled for was his degree..a new beginning to his life. I have that degree that was presented to us on December 17, 2005. I'd rather have my son.

[brknhrt]

I have not been here in a while because I thought I was coping with John’s death as well as could be expected. I feel like such a failure and a fake. It has been almost six years since he was killed, and I am still locked in this struggle to stay sane. I fear I have already lost the fight. I guess I am not comfortable with the HUGE changes that have occurred in my life. I am having an extremely difficult time adjusting to life without my youngest child. My entire future has been shattered and scattered. I have been to counseling and bereavement groups and I feel as though I am stuck in this moment and can’t seem to get out of it. When I feel like I am healing from this devastating event then something seems to happen to underline the fact that I am not healing at all. I fear that I am consumed with myself and the grief that is a constant shadow around me. I have tried volunteering, working, gardening, art etc. anything to take my mind off of the total devastation that envelopes me like a wave. The pain is different now than it was when the loss was so new and raw. A dull and numbing drone of daily responsibility has taken over. Sometimes the pain is overwhelming. I am searching for a reason, a reason why our family has been broken, a reason for his death and a reason to continue trying to heal. Is this how the rest of my life is going to feel? Is anyone struggling with the same issues as I am and can anyone enlighten me or help ease the constant confusion that I feel? Thank you for allowing me to express my selfish thoughts in a safe environment.

[lissus67]

That he was near to you

so many a year

But darkens you distress.

Would you he were

less worthy and less dear

That you might grieve the less?

He was a golden font

that freely poured

What goldenly endures,

And though that font be gone,

its bounty stored

and treasured,

Still is yours.

The past is deathless.

Souls are wells too deep

To spend their purest gains.

All that he gave to you

is yours to keep

While memory remains.

Who never had and lost

forlorn are they

Far more that you and I

Who had and have

Judge not the price we pay

For love that cannot die.

I thought this was pretty and perhaps a little comforting. I miss my Mikey so much....thoughts to all.

Lisa

[Guest Guest]

To Brknhrt:

I have not posted here in a long time, but come by to read often.

I feel as if I could write the same lines you did (16 months since accident took my son and his fiancé – he was 27, she was 20).

I think everyone struggles with the same confusion, desolation and questions you do. I don’t think there is any healing, just adapting. The empty place where my son was has not healed and I don’t think I expect it to.

How can there be sanity in an insane world? Sometimes I am positive I am living in an alternate reality where my son did not exist for anyone but me and then Wham, comes the truth that this IS reality. It has helped me to write things down and I have an ongoing essay under way titled “What is Real?”

My definitions of reality change and I certainly never thought that was possible before.

Everyone comes to different realizations; in my case, I was on fertility drugs to get pregnant and nearly lost him after a traumatic birth – I know that night if offered the deal of “the baby can live, but only for 27 years” I would have jumped at it. Maybe I did and don’t remember.

I do not suffer fools well any more – most of the things people worry about or fight about are not worth spending one precious minute on…………

We only have the time we have – no what ifs? What if they hadn’t gone out on the boat that day? Then they would have died in a car crash, or a random act of violence; as it was, they were doing the thing they loved the most and at the happiest point in their lives. What do we truly wish for our children? That they are happy, that is all I wanted and truthfully, it happened. It didn’t happen for as long as I wanted, but what is time? What is short for us here may feel differently in another place.

My Steven told me he would sign up for first mission to Mars (he could have made it, he was very bright, and persistent as all get out) – I asked if he could really leave everything here behind and he didn’t hesitate to say, “Yes, in order to find out more about what is “out there.” I look up at the night sky and see the moon and the stars and feel that he is finding out what is “out there” now.

These are my “coping mechanisms”……what works for one person may not work for another.

Please know that people here care for you and hope your struggle will one day be easier.

Please come back to this board and post again. Each day you survive is a victory, you sound like a very strong person and we want to hear from you again.

-RunnersMom

[donosmom]

Brkhrt, it has been 3 years since Matthew died and I ask the same questions. Why my family we were such a close and solid family and now we are fractured and parts of our lives are irrevocably broken. It is a daily anguish, pain and loneliness for us now. We search for the joy and I am hopeful that when my new little grandson is born, which he is due any day now, I might get a glimmer of joy. Every time I begin to feel better and feel some of the missing joy the pain of Matthew not being with us crushes everything. I know that Matthew would not want his death to destroy us but I don’t know how to stop it. We lost Matthew to a brain aneurysm and I can not understand how someone so talented, smart and happy could have something like that and we not know there were no signs until the day he died. My heart hurts.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 – 7-13-03

[rhonda68]

okay guys sorry but i feel the need to really talk to soemone and there is no one out here to talk to. I am so fricken angry and I don't know how to give it up it just always over takes me. Out of 400 people that attended my son's funeral not 1 is here for me now. Friends who is that, the saying goes who needs friends when you got enemys something like that.

A friend that hasnt even talked to me in a long time sent me an email about how thankful I should be, because these starving people in africa wish that they could just die doesn't she fricken realize I would rather just die too. I am sorry for the people in africa too don't get me wrong its not that i am completely selfish. I hope I explained myself so that you understand.

Another girl at work today was complaining about how sad she was because her gold fish died and she thought she should at least be able to have a bereavement day from work and that she should have a funeral and ask for memorial donations. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I am just really FED up today i wish I never had to wake again that would suit me fine I am sick of all this crap.

Last night people were mumbling and grumbling and butting in front of me while I waited to get an ice cream and I just felt like yelling at the top of my lungs SHUTUP I have so had enough!!!!!!

Rhonda - again sorry for being so angry i wish i was more help to you

[julsmom]

rhonda - don't feel bad. My daughter's closest friend has not emailed me because it is too painful for her. I have heard that from many people. If it is too painful for her what the #*# do they think it is for us. True friends and family will come out in the long run.

bknht - there unfortunately are no answers. As much as I love being closer to our son, the reality is that there are only 3 when there should be 4. I keep praying he will find a wife or significant other and that will help in some way.

27 years is too short.

Peace, Lynda

[lukesmom143]

First.....I want to cyber hug you guys...Brknhrt...Lissus67....Runnersmom...Donosmom....Julsmom.((((Hug))))))I know that doesn't mean to much when in this way but it just means you are deep in my heart right now.

I don't know why and I don't really know if there is an answer for it but, the plain and simple sad truth is no one understands unless they themselves have suffered this pain we feel at the loss of our child. In April I went to my boss whom I thought was also my friend and asked her could I have my birthday off. I explained to her that I just needed the day away from people cause I knew my son wasn't going to be calling saying happy birthday mom. I was hurting but, had not been off one day since the week I lost my son back in November. she looks at me and says, Debrah it has been almost a year. Let me tell you I was so shocked and hurt that I stepped back as if someone had shot me through the chest. I looked at her and I said in the first place it has been five months and in the second I have never asked for anything since I been here. she said okay but, then said maybe you just need to go ahead and take your week vacation and get yourself together. Like a week was all I needed to get be okie dokie with losing my son. I loved and respected this woman until that day. I myself have only two people to talk too. My step sister who is a blessing and my mom, although when I talk to my mom she hears my voice and cries and then feels bad for crying. I usually comfort her but, that is okay because she needs to be able to talk to someone and I think I'm the only one she confides in. I thought I would be more sensitive to other peoples problems but, I find a lot of the time they just seem to be whining over the pettiest things and I just want to tell them...grow up..you don't know hell yet and you may never...although I hope they never do. what is wrong with people?

[brknhrt]

Thank you for your responses, every now and then I fall apart and you all have been very kind and thoughtful. I’m sure that when I get some rest I will feel different. Nothing will have changed; people will still be rude and insensitive, only I will be able to tolerate it better. At first I did try to keep a diary but this was all I ever wrote.

Our world stopped and turned inside out today

His smile was wide and at the corners of his mouth he had deep dimples.

His bright blue eyes sparkled and danced and always gave him away,

His face was a billboard for his thoughts.

He wore a bright red cape and carried a soft blue blankie.

He grew into such a strong young man, with a warm soul and a loving heart

There was nothing I could say to him, what had been said would have to do.

No more advice, no more direction, he would now learn as he went

He didn’t need to pack a bag; he had everything he would need.

He was wearing his best clothes, his shoes were polished and his jacket pressed smooth

In his pocket he carried treasures; in his heart he carried our love

He still looks bright; not a mark that we could see, just resting for a moment until he arrives at his destination.

He will meet so many who have gone before, but he will leave us behind

I can not say good-bye and neither can he

He was the glue that kept us all together; when he left it tore us all apart.

What a cruel joke was played at our expense.

We were so close to our dreams fulfilled I could almost touch it.

“People so seldom say I love you and then it’s too late or love goes. So when I tell you I love you it doesn’t mean I know you will never go, only that I wish you didn’t have to.”

I love you. I miss you.

John 1/27/1977-10/7/2000

Thank you again for letting me freak out for a while, your responses have helped me through another rough day. I am so grateful for your presence in my life.

And thanks for the hug I needed that.

[lukesmom143]

Bknhrt...what you wrote was so touching and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing it with us. Thinking of you.

[daveydow1]

Brknhrt,

It has been 3 yrs. since my son, Davey, died. I am

feeling as you are right. I look at myself, and think

that I should be "in better shape" after this period

of time, but I get stuck in my grief, as you said that

you are. I don't know any answers. I sometimes think

that we who have lost children never will have enough

answers to take away confusion & pain. I sincerely hope

that you will have some better days ahead, and that you

return here to BI to post & read. Being here has saved

me so many times. My prayers are for you now. Peace to you.

[daveydow1]

Lukesmom & Bonnie,

Thanks for your kind words. Yes, looking into the

tiny innocent face of a newborn baby is uplifting.

My prayers are for you and know that by coming here

to BI, everyone helps everyone else whether they

know it or not. Just to know that other people REALLY

DO know how we feel, and are willing to listen and

offer words of comfort. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Lisa,

Thank you for posting that wonderful poem. It does

make one think about how we would not trade one

moment with our dear child for a little less pain.

Take care, and may you find serenity somehow.

Daveysmom Sherry

[lukesmom143]

You're very welcome Daveydow for anything I might have said, never too sure. I have a question for anyone who might have the answer. Do you ever feel as though you haven't really dealt with the loss yet? I guess what I mean is this...I know there is a place in my mind that I don't allow myself to go. The last time I did was probably in the first few weeks of losing my Luke. Sometimes I think to myself if I could just go there and deal with it then things like the dreams would stop or at least ease up. It is hard for me to cry and when I do it comes so suddenly whether it be in the grocery store when I remember my sons favorite food or driving down the road. I can talk about Luke to anyone, I can write about Luke and it is as if I am someone else doing the talking. I am in short one person on the outside and yet I feel so sad, tormented, in rage, depressed and hopeless on the inside. I can honestly say there is not a soul in this world that really knows who I am, truly. So, if anyone can somehow relate to this I would like to hear from you.

[runnersmom]

lukesmom143

Thank you for the cyber hug - I have never been a "touchy feely" person but find all hugs, even the cyber ones, very comforting.

I understand what you mean about feeling as though you are two people; I feel like I have no choice but to get through another day and so I do (I have been told I "compartmentalize" well - which I think means I haven't had a nervous breakdown yet).

And yet the oddest things will bring waves of sadness and tears. Two days ago in the parking lot of post office, for no reason I can think of, it was as if it just happened, right then, that minute, it took my breath away and I had to go home and be by myself for a while until the "other me" could come out and cook and shop and clean. When I hear myself talk about my Steven, I almost start a second conversation ("how can you say that or tell that funny story about him when he is gone?").

Sometimes is seems like a break with reality and other times it is just the only way to cope with the reality we are left with.

Everything in our lives, EVERY THING, was fundamentally changed in just a minute; it really is too much to take in, so we deal with what we can and set aside the rest to deal with later.

I too hope that something we share here will help the next person thrown into this maelstrom; I am never confident that it can help, but I hope it can.

May we all know some peace,

Runnersmom

[brknhrt]

Although I don’t pretend to have any answers, I do know the feeling. After John was killed I didn’t have time to grieve. I had so much to take care of and so many people to “put on a brave face” for. I remember telling myself I would deal with it when I had time. It was my responsibility to take care of the empty shell that held my son. I know I did that right because everyone said that he had a wonderful service. Then dealing with the cremation and scattering of his ashes. I kept thinking… when I’ve finished my responsibilities then I will deal with it. I did not even cry at his service. I would fall apart as soon as I got away from our friends and family. I believe that my husband, (John’s dad) was the only one to see me totally crumble. I quickly realized that my grief triggered a reaction in others (parents, grandparents and children) that made them uncomfortable. It made my husband want to hurt anyone who annoyed him, and at that point in our life everyone annoyed him except me and our children. At the time he even stated out loud to anyone who would listen that he hated everyone and wished everyone hated him. I realized that I needed to be a cheerleader and it worked. Everyone started feeling much better when they thought I was ok. Again I told myself I will deal with this later. In the midst of this adjustment period our oldest son got married. Later after the wedding I would deal with it. Well later came and I tried to deal with it. After going to counseling and then a bereavement group I thought I was on the road to healing. Silly me, I actually thought you could heal from this loss. After all… I have heard about closure all my life. What a stupid term! There is never going to be closure and there is not suppose to be. Grief is a journey that we all travel alone. Although I seem like the same person I am a completely changed individual. Even I do not know who I am! I know that I was not defined as his mother, but at this point I’m not sure how to define myself. This is the reason for my confusion and depression, I think.

Every day is a new journey that I do not want to take. I wake up and force myself to get out of bed. Most of the time I get dressed but sometimes I don’t. I believe that I will struggle with this for as long as I live. I know that this is not encouraging but it is fact. I am realizing that you become resigned. Is that what dealing with “it” means? I will never become resigned I will always grieve for my baby. I will grieve that we all lost such a wonderful person. I think that everyone who loses someone feels the same. We are only on this planet for a short time, some shorter than others. Treat each moment and each person as if they are precious. And most of all treat yourself as if you are precious, because you are.

Best wishes on your journey and when it all gets overwhelming take a break, sit down and rest. The journey will always be there waiting until you are rested and ready to begin again. Check in here once in a while it will help keep your sanity in our insane world.

[lukesmom143]

Brknhrt and Runnersmom....thank you. Thank you for everything that you said. I am speechless. We are all one here. the feelings, the pain, the loss, we all feel it. I didn't know until I came here that anyone else could feel this way. And I am so so sorry that you do. But, thank you for putting what I have been feeling for the last almost ten months now into words. I do believe that we will not "get over it" "move on" etc. I can't imagine it myself. I have had someone say to me that I have a choice. A choice to dwell on it. I feel it dwells in me. My son dwells in me. His first breathe, his first step, his first time to say mommie or daddy, his beautiful laugh, his first broken heart, his sense of humor, his seriousness about life and his future, his love of family and friends, his beautiful green eyes, his first stitches, his love and concern for his little brother and his always taking care of him, the way he smiled, his dimples when he smiled, the way he smelled..like fresh air after a spring rain, the way he walked, the way he slept, the way he played football, basketball and track. All these things and so much more dwell in me and if getting over it as they say or moving on as they say or not dwelling on it as they say means losing these things then I choose to feel this way forever.

[aprilsmom]

Dear Luke's mom,

"The place in your mind" that you don't allow yourself to go....I know that place. I think if we were able to continue to go there, we would surely die as well. I have a strange thought sometimes that I wonder if anyone else ever has: "Did my April ever really exist or was it just my imagination?" That probably sounds really wierd and I know my other kids are here, so this nightmare really did happen to us......to all of us, so very sorry. The Bible says that their is only a veil between us. i just hope and pray that everything I was raised to and DID believe is really true; like you said, I don't know myself anymore either- I used to be so strong and true to my faith, and I miss that assurance that I used to have.

TAke Care,

Renee

Renee

[ronsmom]

okay I'm scared. Whats happening to me? I don't feel ANYTHING. NOTHING...I had that one good instant last week when I had my first dream, and now I feel nothing, numb again like in the first few days......Gawd its an awful feeling, I can't cry, I can't function, I can't THINK...........its almost 2AM here and I'm sitting here wondering why I'm not in bed, I am soooo tired. I feel like I'm bouncing off the walls tonight. I don't take meds so it isn't that! All I did today was change the bed and do the dishes. Then I bit___ed making dinner cause everything was so hard to do. (cutting veggies is hard? since when?)....arrrggghh I need ....I dunno what I need , any clues?

[ashleysmom]

To all, I am so sorry to all of you for the struggles we have to endure daily and there are not more compassionate people out there.

Lukesmom143, I had a similar experience at work the first year that Ashley died. Her graduation day just really hit me hard (she died three weeks after graduation). I asked my boss to take over for me so I could go home because I was having a really hard time keeping it together. She gave me a really hard time and to this day refers to it as the day I went home sick. Just recently I clarified that it was heartache and put her in her place. I remember my birthday that first year was horrendous, so take it easy. People just don't have a clue.

Rhonda, I don't blame you for being angry! I don't think I could have listened to anyone go on about a goldfish. How heartless to do that in front of you. People are so petty.

Julsmom, It is so hard to be with your family because it just brings that cruel reality of 3 instead of 4. Even with Emma, my granddaughter, who is a blessing, I have still been very sad lately. I just miss Ashley so deep in my soul. Of course I would not want to be away from my family either. I am so glad you are closer.

Daveydow1, Congratulations on the new blessing in your life!!!!

Donosmom, Congratulations to you as well for the new grandbaby due!!!

To all, Peace, Dottie