Loss of an Adult Child

[txlouise]

Hi all,Thankyou so much for all the kind words.I see so much of myself in all the words you write.I too feel like I died when keren died.All the color in my world is gone,all the music.And it robs you of so many things we always enjoyed.Little things that used to make us happy,now are meaningless or all they do is give us hurt.For example,when I buy birthday presnts for family and friends I used to love picking out the present,wraping the card ect.Now all I feel is"I'll never be able to get Keren a birhday present again or share another birthday with my beautiful daughter.So even all the little things that used to bring us joy is destoyed.The grief really bleeds into ever ascept of our lives,so the only feelings we feel now is hurt,or bitteress that our beautiful children were taken away from us.Your right it changes us.I m so different now then the person I was 8 months ago.I don't know how to feel any other way.Happiness has become a very distant memory.How sad for all of us and people who still have thier family's intact really don't have a clue to how empty and sad our lives have become.What are we to do?Louise...

[lorismom]

For Moanalisa (Joyce) – My heart goes out to you in the recent loss of your dear son, Ken. It always saddens me to see new people just starting out on this life-changing journey, but I’m glad you found your way to Beyond Indigo. The people on this forum speak from their hearts and I think I’d be lost if I hadn’t found this special place to come and read or post whenever I’ve needed to. I hope in the days ahead you can find some peace and comfort. Take care of yourself and do something special just for you. My prayers are with you. Patty

[isabelle]

Txlouise,

So very sorry for your loss. I know your pain. I lost my 22 year old son, Ray, on October 9, 2003. He died in a single vehicle accident. Emotionally I have not moved from the moment I learned of his death. I can identify with your disinterest in everything. I, too, am not interested in anything. I spend most of my time in solitude, crocheting or painting. I have no outside contacts other than the people I work with, and that is only during work hours. I have no desire for any outside contacts that can't identify with me. My only desire is that my end come soon. I do not want to live this life without my son.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

p.s. I wish I could be more encouraging, but I can't.

[ronsmom]

MOANALISA: hello, and I'm glad you found this site. I didn't find it or seek any help for a year after losing my son, this has helped me ALOT. I feel as you, just merely existing, with my other 2 children and 2 grandaughters I am torn between my pain of this loss and my love for them. I think of how "out of it" I am when we talk or visit, I wonder why I can't just give them everything I have and can't give to my Ronnie now; and if something would happen to them I would've wasted this precious time that I do have..guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be there for them like I always was, but I can't find "me" to give to them...I too can write my feelings better than talk about them. I have no one around except my husband and I'm not even working right now so don't have that escape, so this is it, I too come and ramble on at night or early morning just to "talk" with someone, the people in here are expressing everything we all feel and its a little comfort to know were not crazy, and were not alone. Theres Waaaay too many of us in here..

I am so sorry you've lost your Ken. Its overpowering, dont worry those tears will come, when you least expect them, they will come and when they start let them come til your dry, cause they will surely come again, and again........

I am going through some sort of sleep stage, I fell asleep again this afternoon and slept through dinner time again, don't know what thats about but I'm glad for that escape from reality right now. I'm tired of being awake and "thinking"

ISABELLE: I understand the lack of interest in anything..I don't have any outside interests either. The few friends I had don't want to be near me, and the ones I really have are too far away to be of help. I'm sorry to hear your story as well, and "encouragement" is no longer in my dictionary. I know how you all feel, I'm there too.....

blueskies all, Bonnie

[moanalisa]

To Lorismom, Patty, and Ronsmom, Bonnie: thank you so much for answering my post. It\'s nice to find some people who understand, and don\'t tell me :\"It\'s time to snap out of this. Life goes on\". It\'s hard to snap out of it, when all you have is time to sit, and think, and wonder, and ask, and wonder, and beg, and wonder some more. I\'m retired, and also mobility impaired. I use crutches in the house, and my electric scooter, outside. All my children live far away: 2girls in Athens, Greece, 2 girls near Ottawa, Ontario, and my youngest son lives in Calgary, about an hour\'s drive north from us. Peter is away most of the time. He\'s a Party-Manager for a Seismic Company, and is out in the boondocks for weeks at a time, and then home for a day or so.

My husband tries to help me, but doesn\'t know how. He grieves in his own way. We do go to Calgary the oddtime. But we have to pass the spot where Ken was killed. My youngest son put a Highway Memorial on that spot, and I hate to pass by there. Both, my husband, and I almost physically feel the thud of Ken\'s body hitting the rail, that runs along the overpass. Will I ever be able to drive by there without feeling that pain?

Why hasn\'t he contacted me? I need to know if he\'s alright. One of my daughters claims he came to her in a dream, and told her to stop worrying. Why doesn\'t that convince me? What if he didn\'t find his way to the other side? He did not have a religious upbringing. I mean we didn\'t belong to any church. But I\'ve always told my kids there is a God, who loves us unconditionally. And we\'re here to help other people, and love our fellow human beings. And Ken was one of those guys who took people the way they were. They didn\'t need to change, in order to be his friends. But now I\'m worried, that maybe I should have given him more structured religion. I don\'t know....I pray for him every night.

And there\'s this other worry. Ken lived about 800 miles North from us, with his wife, and 2 little girls. He\'d found a great job in Calgary, and moved in with his \"little brother\". He had to work out some problems he had with his wife, at the time. They were not planning a permanent separation, but there were some dumb decisions Ken made, and he needed some time away to straighten out his mind, and outlook on things. With the job came a medical exam. He passed the drug test, but failed the medical. There was a spot on his lung. He told me, and swore me to secrecy. He did not want to worry his dad, wife, or the other kids. They did a test, and it came back positive, first stage of lung cancer. In the meanwhile I had prayed, and asked God not to let him suffer, and die from lung cancer. He came home to see us on the Saturday, Apr.29th, and told his father, and me about the lungcancer. One of his sisters from Greece was home, visiting, so he heard the news too. But Ken told us the dr. said it was such a minor thing, and easily removed. And, after that he could take some sort of pill, which would take the place of chemo therapy. He had been refused the job he\'d originally applied for. I think he worked for the only 4 days, before the test. But he found another job, immediately. The Dr. said he could work, with maybe a few days off, if the pills bothered him. So, I held my 40 year old, scared to death little boy, and let him cry. We discussed things, went to town on Sunday, and by the time he left here he was feeling quite positive. But I wonder. Did he just put up a good front? Did he not tell us the complete story? Was this really the accident we were told it was? This is driving me crazy, and I need to know. I cannot even discuss this doubt with my husband. One of my daughters brought it up a few months ago, when we talked on the phone. But we both told each other....no, he wouldn\'t. Ken had called her from our house, and they\'d talked for over an hour, just before he left here. And an hour later he was dead.

Sorry guys for rambling on about this. But this is the first time I canexpress my worries. But you all have so many pains, and feelings to cope with, yourself.

After this happened I kept telling myself that God answered my prayers, and Ken didn\'t suffer. But, as time goes on I wonder, and doubt, and pray for answers. God bless you all. Love, Light, and Peace to all of you. Moanalisa...Joyce

[moanalisa]

sorry about all those lines in my last post. Don't know what happened there. Moanalisa

[txlouise]

Isabelle and everyone,I can so much relate.Before Keren died,I loved life.I was also a people person,involed in alot of things,always smiling ect.Now like you I really have no desire to leave my house.I work part time and I wish I didn't have to.No desire to visit or talk with people.i like working on my daughter's website,reading and watching some tv,thats it.One of my faults in my life before was I was a little bit of a moter mouth.now,I hardly talk.Don't care to.I have nothing to say,other then my life is over at age 48.Was always a little bit vain,always looked 10 years younger then my age.Now,i don't even wear makeup or fix my hair.In 7 months I have aged about 25 years.And the thing is i don't care.My husband says it has to get better in time or we won't be able to live.I am not talking about suicide.I mean you can't live without any joy or hope.You woud get sick and die.I already feel my health going way down.It reminds me of an old bonnie rait song where she sings"Why the angels turn thier backs on some,is a mystery to me"Where was all of our miracles for our children?Why were we subject to this pain?I tell some people this to try to get them to understand.When my father died,it was a drop in the ocean,when my daughter died it was the WHOLE ocean.i know you all feel the same way.I'll never understand, why us?Love,Louise

[briansdad]

To all the new folks here, I'm so sorry you have to be here.The feelings your having are normal.IT SUCKS!!!!I'm a few days away from 2 years and I can say it still sucks.BUT it does suck less.Is that something to look foward to? Yes.Life is never going to be the same but it can be manageable.That, in it self is a victory to me.Would I rather have things back the way it was? YOU BET.I can't so I have to try to live my life for my son.I'll try to do the things he might have wanted to do.I'll try to love the people he loved.Work as hard as I can, so he is never forgotten.

I hope some of you can see some hope in my post.

Just remember if you need to vent do it here we'll all listen.

God Bless.

[kathy714]

Dear Joyce,i am so sorry for the loss of your son Ken,i hope you find all the answers you need about your son's accident,i know how it feels not knowing.BI is a wonderful site to come to when you need to vent or want support for others who have been through the same pain.Everyone here unfortunatly understands those feelings of emptiness,loneliness,and despair.We all are walking the same long road,we might be at different places.but we all have passed each other at one point or another,our hearts are all broken,please feel free to ramble and talk about anything that might make each day just a little bit better than the day before....T/C Kathy.Nate's mom 4 ever

[shuugar]

I am the guest who wrote of my sons passing marking the 5 month period.

Thanks to the people who responded to my writing.

I can see that my story is only one of so many others

There is so much to say but, I don't know what to say.

I have so many issues in regaurds to my son's death.

I know he was sick but I know that he could have gotten better.

None of this makes any sense

He was married with two children.

His wife moved on the day that he died.

I feel that she couldn't wait for him to die.

She was throwing away and trying to sell his stuff as soon as she got home from the hospital the day he died.

Her burden (as it has been said) has been lifted.

He could have gotten better if the proper actions had been taken

[shuugar]

I am the guest who wrote of my sons passing marking the 5 month period.

Thanks to the people who responded to my writing.

I can see that my story is only one of so many others

There is so much to say but, I don't know what to say.

I have so many issues in regaurds to my son's death.

I know he was sick but I know that he could have gotten better.

None of this makes any sense

He was married with two children.

His wife moved on the day that he died.

I feel that she couldn't wait for him to die.

She was throwing away and trying to sell his stuff as soon as she got home from the hospital the day he died.

Her burden (as it has been said) has been lifted.

He could have gotten better if the proper actions had been taken

[ashleysmom]

To all who are new here: I am so sorry that you have to travel this horrific road, but so glad you found this site. This has been a lifeline and continues to be a lifeline for me.

Moanalisa, I am so sorry you are going through all of the uncertainties that you have. I have no answers, all I can say is I think we all have gone through similar thoughts. Sometimes the thoughts I have had about Ashley's accident are very irrational but I can't seem to stop. I play in my mind all of the things I "coulda, shoulda or woulda" done. It doesn't change anything for me, she is still gone. I do find comfort in the fact that Ashley did not suffer, she was killed instantly. Imagine that this is how we find comfort these days. I hope you can find some peace and comfort here.

Louise, I also relate to all you have said. I too was a social butterfly. Many friends and not enough time in a day to see or talk to them all. I am now content to stay at home by myself. It really is a good thing that I work or I probably would not leave my house, which is not good. I too have aged overnight. I turned gray on July 4th, 2004. I had a few strays before the accident, colored every 6months or so. Now it's every 6 weeks. I try to keep it up because the worse I look, the worse I feel.

Peace to all, Dottie

[ashleysmom]

Shuugar, I am so sorry for the way your son's wife has been acting. It must be so difficult to see. 5months is so new on this journey and so harsh. Be kind to yourself and come here often. It really helps to talk to people who know how we feel. Peace to you and yours, Dottie

[brknhrt]

So sorry for my last post. I try to be positive, but this time of the year becomes so dark and discouraging. I must manage my grief more effectivly, and I work on it every second of every day. Some days are harder than others. Every day that passes just means that I wont have to live that day again. How ironic that I relive the day he was killed, the day he was cremated and the days following over and over again. MONALISA, I truly understand how you are feeling, and I wish for you some peace in your soul and heart. BRIANSDAD, Thank you for your observations. You are so right! It does suck and continues to suck, even after six years. Things dont get better they just get different. It has been so difficult to adjust to our new life without our son. Thank you for letting me express my feelings. I would like to say that I have conquered my pain but I know that I hav'nt and probably never will. I'm sure that I will be back to vent again about the sadness and the unfairness of the events that occurred in our lives. Peace to all

[heartbrokendad]

Dear friends,

It has been a long time since I last posted here, but with the 4th aniversary of Carrie-Anns death coming closer, I wanted to tell you all that things do get easier.

I read these posts, and hear my own words from nearly 4 years ago. Carrie died on Nov 3rd 2002, and my son Matthew died 8 months later. Both from drug related causes.

This journey has been one of both sadness, and discovery. I have learned who are the good people, and who to avoid. Learned that I have an enourmous amout of love left in me that needs to be put with someone. I think I have found that someone....

This is like a brick that you have been given, at first the brick is so heavy, and it weighs you down, makes you tired, but after a while, the brick isnt as heavy as it once was, oh it is still a brick, and it is always there, but in time its not as bad as it first was. This is the best way I can describe what my life has become. I hope that its of some help to you all here at B.I.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[ashleysmom]

Stu, It's good to hear from you and to hear the good news! Best of wishes! It is so good for the soul to hear happy news! Peace and happiness to you, Dottie

[lorismom]

For Shuugar – I am so sorry for the loss of your dear son. I remember how distraught I was at 5 months. I just honestly wanted to die and be with my daughter again. It’s now been almost 2 ½ years and the horrific grief that I once felt has gradually softened with time. The grieving process can take quite a toll on us, so try to be as gentle with yourself as possible. I hope you will stay with us and share some of your memories of your son with us. My prayers are with you.

For Stu - It is so nice to read your encouraging words. They certainly give me hope on this long journey.

Peace to all,

Patty

[moanalisa]

Thank you so much, everybody who answered my last post. Wrote down your names, so I could address you, personally, but, of course, misplaced them. Can't keep track of anything, these days. I made the "mistake" today, mentioning to my sister in law about posting on a Message Board for people who had lost a child. Her reaction was less than enthused, but I should have known. She's a nice person, always very supportive, but, in this case she's like......5 months, and you're still sniveling??? She doesn't say those words, but I'm getting good at interpreting the silences. But, I cannot be angry with her. Only 6 months ago I thought that way myself.

Ran into an article a few days ago , about a couple that had lost their son. He was cremated, and his mom kept the ashes at home in an Urn. And every morning, and every evening she'd kiss him...the urn...good morning, and good night. Apparently he somehow contacted them, and the first thing he said was: " Mom, stop kissing my Ashes". Eventually the parents wrote a book. I guess in the genre of "Hello from Heaven", but about their contact with their own son. My son was cremated, and I wear a little keepsake on a necklace, with some of his ashes in it. And I do the same thing this mother did, I kiss

it. And I told Ken last night: "You want me to stop kissing your ashes? Well, come and tell me. Let me know, somehow. But up till then you're getting your ashes kissed" I know I would be able to cope much better, if I knew he's allright.

We worry about them when they're little, and then when they are teenagers, and you stay up till they get home. And you do that till they leave home. But you still worry about them. You want them to be happy. and you forget that nobody, or nothing can make you happy. Happiness comes from within. It's hard to let your kids go when they're still alive. But you can do that

gradually, a little at the time. But now it's like "cold turkey". They're here, yelling "seeya", and the next thing you know they're gone....forever.

You know something? After checking the Board, this morning, and having people answer me, I felt much better. Just the feeling I'm not going through this all by myself. That there are actually people, who understand how I feel. I know we can all help each other feel a bit better. One day we'll cry, and be angry, and somebody will save you from yourself. And a few days later you might be able to return the favor, and help somebody else feel better. I truely believe the best way to help yourself is by helping somebody else.

and one thing for a begining: We all understand each other, because we all go through the same thing, although we all react in our own specific way.

I wish you all to have some peacefull feelings, if only for a few minutes. I've only just met you, but I feel I just made myself a bunch of new friends. Thank you.

Love, Light, and Peace to all.

Moanalisa...Joyce

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}~

So many new members, since the last time I posted here at BI ~~ Welcome to each of you to our understanding family of friends. Please accept my deepest empathy for the loss of your precious children, and know that my prayers are offered daily for your peace and comfort.

To those of you, who are new to this journey, your grief and shock are so overwhelming that it seems you will always feel your pain as intensely as you do now. This is typical and "normal" in the early stages of grieving for your child. It is extraordinarily painful throughout the first year, because you are coming to grips with the reality and the enormity of your loss.

During the second year, reality sets in, which brings a new kind of shock, but you begin to find your means of coping and adjusting. The pain is still severe, and it comes in waves oftentimes.

From there on, the process is about developing your tools, finding the most meaningful way to live your life, and keeping your balance. While you never stop grieving, you do find a way to incorporate your grieving into your world and your life.

I'm generalizing and oversimplifying of course for brevity here, but based on my experience and the experiences of other parents here and elsewhere on the Internet (and in non-cyber life), what I've described is the essence of the process. There are no standards for this grieving, just common threads between us.

It isn't easy, and nothing can make it easy. But many things can and do help you get through it: taking care of your body (eating right, getting plenty of water, and exercise); meditating and praying; creating a special place in memory of your child in your home, on line, in your community, etc., sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences here with others who truly understand your pain and grief; counseling/therapy; journaling; writing letters to your child; focusing on your spiritual connection with your child. And more...

Sounds simplistic, but it is not, because grieving for your child is complex, complicated, and foreign to all of us until it happens to us. It's unnatural in the order of life's circle, and it is the most devastating loss anyone can possibly endure. Amazingly, we do plod on through it, and we do and will continue to survive our great tragedies. And people will remark that we are incredibly strong, while inside we are holding on by our fingernails, fragile and vulnerable. Nonetheless, we hold on, and that does, indeed, make us stronger.

Stu, your brick analogy is from the Broadway play, "Rabbit Hole." One mother consoles another mother in the loss of her child, by comparing our grief to a brick that we always carry around with us. That scene was shown on the Tony awards earlier this year, and it affected me so much that I decided to order a copy of the play to read it. I think it just became available, so thank you for reminding me.

In my spare time, I'm working on putting together what I hope will become a website for grieving parents. It may be too ambitious a project for me, but I want to give it a whirl. I've been "listening" to all of you here, and learning from you. Now, I'm pondering the best way to cull all of your wisdom into a useful resource for all of us, and other parents who find themselves in our shoes. Wish me luck, as I don't always have the opportunity to carry out my ideas and dreams...

Blessings to all of you, and may God grant you peace and comfort today and everyday~ and may you feel your children's presence very near and hold them in your dreams~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[Artina]

To all the new parents:

I am so sorry for your losses. Beyond Indigo is a great place to share, to be, and to learn tools that have aided us through our grief. I lost my son almost five years ago this Jan 4. He will have been 24 this Saturday, September 30. I miss him so much. As STU put it so perfectly... our grief is basically something we learn to live with (brick). It never goes away, but it does become lighter and eventually we are able to take on more in our lives. Since my son crossed over, my husband has went back to school and earned a BA, he has rebuilt my sons car, and has almost made it to the five year mark. I have not done as much as him, but feel my accomplishments are just as big. I have hope. I have new personal goals and I really do like life again. I carry my son with me and have a relationship with him that no longer involves the physical body, but the Spiritual realm. It's not what I want- but it will get me through until I am reunited with him again.

Take little steps for now. Don't let anybody tell you how to grieve the loss of your children. Take care of yourself first... and the rest will come in it's own time.

Peace to you, Tina

[Artina]

Briansdad,

I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you this Saturday...

Peace to you, Tina

[lukesmom143]

Hey everyone...just wanted to drop in and say hello. My thoughts and prayers are with each and everyone of you. I am at a loss for much more to say at this time.

[maureensmom]

Hello to all the new parents. I'm so glad you found this site. Particularly in the first several months after my daughter Maureen's death, it was a lifesaver to talk to other parents. I was able to talk about things here that no one understood, like the reliving - over and over and over - what it was like in the emergency room after her death, how absolutely horrible I felt on the day of her cremation... Grief is like a life threatening illness, most of us have approximately the same symptoms.

Tina, I love your comments about trying for a spiritual connection with your son. That's what I am trying to do, also, because the sense of "goneness", of vacancy, of nothing left of Maureen is so overwhelming. Of all the pain, it's the worst. If love lasts forever, I know there is something after this life. I've certainly gotten enough messages from my girl to believe that she still exists somewhere. One of my friends is so positive about an afterlife that she buoys me up whenever I talk to her. She told me that all Maureen did is leave early, but she's still here, and waiting for me.

At nine months, it is easier. If I measure my pain by my tears, I'm crying less.

Georgia

[mysonluke]

Dear parents, my heart goes out to all of you, what is left of my heart. My son luke died august 18th 2005 of methadone and alcohol. I see there is another mother here with a son luke. Hello lukesmom, i am sorry you are here, and my prayors are with you. I miss luke so much and dont know what to do about it. I guess there is nothing i can do. You sound so much like me, the mothers that have aged so much.

take care all of you, chris

[alwaysmyjennifer]

First, a big thanks to you all for the support. I didn't think my wife would live to see the day, but we just celebrated twenty years of marriage. She was in hospital this morning, having more problems. They discovered her liver is now becoming involved by the dystrophy. We don't know if it will progress fast or slow. Along with this, I've begun the depressive attitude associated with Jenni's birthday approaching in two weeks. My other daughter and I keep the "mantra" that it's worse beforehand than on her birthday. It still hurts, though. I miss her so deeply. Take care of yourselves. It's a beautiful time of year to enjoy nature. I hope you all can, at least a little. I think of you all, with a little prayer. Mark

[mamabets]

For Briansdad~The skies will be beautiful today as the world awaits the beautiful messages sent by all of you with Brian's balloons~ I love you and am with you, always, by "heart" ~ xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Heartbrokendad~ Jump into the happy part of your life with both feet and RUN with it!! This chance for you, and your willingness to live again, gives HOPE to so many here... I admire AND celebrate your courage!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[ashleysmom]

Tina, My thoughts are with you today on Chris' birthday. May you find peace in his memories.

Briansdad, My thoughts are with you on Brian's Second angel day. I hope the car show is wonderful. Peace to you as well, Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Tina,my thoughts will be with you today,on your sons birthday,it made me think,when you said your son would of been 24,my son would be 23 in jan,he passed on his 21st birthday,i think all the time what would he be like now,as i am sure you do the same,try to remember all the good memories,and the things he did that made you smile,!T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Briansdad,i hope all goes well with the car show,you will be in my prayers,on your son,Brian's angel day...Look for the signs,I am sure he will be with you at the car show!!!.T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Mysonluke,i am sorry for the loss of your son,I too loss my son Nathan,Jan31,2005 on his 21st birthday,my heart breaks every time a new mom,loses a child,you will find everyone here understands everything you may be going through,i hope you return to BI,it is a great site for support and to express your thoughts and feelings...T/C Kathy,nates mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For Artina~ A special wish goes to your beautiful Chris' on today, his birthday~ The Heavens are celebrating him always,this much we know. My prayers are with you and your family, each and everyday~ I love you...xoxomamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{Tina}}} ~ Thinking of you today and praying for your peace and comfort on Chris' 24th birthday. I have lit a candle for him and for you and your family. You are so right about the importance of developing our spiritual relationship with our children. You have such a wonderful approach to living with your grief, and you always inspire me.

{{{Greg/Brian'sdad}}} ~ Thinking of you and praying for your peace and comfort today also as you acknowledge Brian's second Angel Date. I'm sure the messages you send in the balloons will touch the hearts of those who receive them and that the car show will be fantastic. I've also lit a candle for Brian, you and your family.

{{{Mark}}} ~ Congratulations to you and your wife on your 20th anniversary! I'm sending prayers for healing and strength for both of you. And may this time leading up to Jenni's birthday bring you sweet memories of comfort.

{{{Joyce/Moanalisa}}} ~ I'm so sorry that your sister in law chastised you for still "sniveling" after 5 months. A friend of mine said something similar to me after 10 weeks. These comments just typify the fact that no one truly understands the depth of our grief, unless they have also lost a child. I also wear a keepsake necklace with Michael's ashes in it (I've worn out 3 of them), and I kiss it as well. I also "throw" kisses at his urns and photographs. Michael and I have an excellent spiritual connection, and he's never told me to stop kissing his ashes. He probably knows that I couldn't stop! I have to admit your message gave me a smile.

{{{HUGS}}} to all ~ I'm praying for you ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[daveydow1]

Moanalisa,

So very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Ken.

Come back to BI whenever you feel the need. All of

us here understands. Peace be with you.

Shuugar,

I'm sorry for your loss of your son. It must have

been especially heartwrenching to see his wife selling

off his belongings so soon. My prayers are for you

and for peace.

Artina,

I hope & pray that you have not had too rough of a day--

today, Chris' birthday. May you find peace & tranquility.

Briansdad,

Thinking of you and saying a little prayer for you on

Brian's angel day. Also, hope that the car show was a

success and that your dear son's presence was felt. Peace.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

mom2angels, merci beaucoup. I do appreciate your kind thoughts this week, greatly. Many people chide us about "getting over it", or such as you heard about "sniveling". In the Bible, there are people who weep and wail for over two months after losing someone beloved. I wonder, if we were given the freedom to grieve in our own way openly, without the social issues attached, do you think it would shorten our time of sorrow? Just a thought. I hope you can enjoy a peaceful weekend. Mark

[cc66512]

Good Evening all,,I see there are alot of new ones in here this week and I am saddened at the loss of all of our Beautiful Children.. Monday marked the 5 month for me on the loss of my Dear son Brian. He was a wonderful man, always had a smile , never complained,and I just found out he is to be a Papa again. He has 3 Grandaughters and now we hear another in on the way and I know this will be his Grandson. He was such a good man,and I miss him so. I am not sure what is normal anymore and yes I have had people say you need to suck it up he would not want you to be like this,, I am so glad they do not know what they are talking about,, sometimes the pain is unbearable. I cry for hours without any rhyme or reason,, just because I guess.. You all all in my prayers aas I also ask God for guideness. My cousin sayd he is guideing me but I just don't get it yet.. So say a lil prayer for me to be able to see his wisdom.. God Bless you all for being here for me.

[messenger]

cc66512....KNOW YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL.............TAKE YOUR TIME..........THERE IS NO............TIME TABLE FOR MOURNING.....YOU WILL KNOW WHEN YOUR PAIN IS LESSENING.....THE TEARS WILL LESSEN.............YOU WILL NEVER GET OVER YOUR LOSS AND SOME DAYS WILL BE WORSE THAN OTHERS.......KNOW THIS IS WHERE YOU NEED TO GO IN YOUR DOWN TIMES TO BE LIFTED UP BY THOSE WHO UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN.............YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[Artina]

My Dear Beyond Indigo Family-

I appreciate all of your support. Your kind words reached out and healed a part of my grief. Thank you! It was a very difficult week and I am happy to get out of the month of September.

My living son really struggled with Chris's Birthday this year. He is a senior in H.S. and as he approaches the age that his brother was at when he crossed over he is experiencing a stage of grief that leaves him questioning his own mortality. I am aware of this and trying to support LIVING LIFE and the importance of investing back into life so that he doesn't live his life fearing loss and thus missing out on a great life. There is always something to work on through the grief journey... we get so far and then we have to stop and make sure were heading in the right direction.

Again, thank you for your support...

Peace to you all, Tina

[moanalisa]

Hello to everybody, again. And thanks to all of you, who answered any of my questions, or remarks.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Mom2angels -Roslyn}}}}}}}}}}}}. I do not feel that my sister-inlaw did chastise me. She never would do that. She just doesn't understand, and just by her silence she sort of gave me the feeling she did not understand.

As everybody here has said several times. Nobody can even imagine what losing a child feels like. And nobody ever wants to think about something like that. If you say to somebody: "Imagine how you would feel, if you last one of your children". and they'll tell you they really do not want to think about something like that. The only reason we know is because it happened to us. And, Roslyn, I'm not intending to "chastise"you now. I just wouldn't want you to think I have a horrible sister-in-law. OK?

It's also good to hear so many of you are establishing....at least trying to establish...a spiritual conncetion with your children who crossed over.

I think about those things, frequently. And, if you really ponder on the spiritual side of this, you come to the conclusion, that, is spirit we are really allthe same age. God created us....our Spirits...all at the same time. That's what I believe, anyway. And at times I'm in awe of all the knowledge my son now must have, that I don't have. And another thing. While they were here, on Earth, we were the mothers/fathers of these children. I think I'm starting to understand the idea that God only lets us "borrow" our children. You know, now they're in Spirit the do not need earthly parents, anymore. But, I think that they want to have contact with us in a spiritual way. Not as son/daughter to parent, but as spirit with another Spirit, which they really have known forever. I don't think I'm really explaining this properly, but I'm trying. The spiritual connection has always been there, and always will be. Our Earthly connection was only for a very short while. That connection doesn't ever stop, but changes from a human relationship to a spiritual one. I'm trying to work this out, and understand this. But to me this makes sense, and reassures me we'll always be connected.

That is till I get one of those days again, where I question everything, and am not even sure Ken reached the Light, where he was supposed to go. And I pray, and pray, and hope to get back to feeling that everything is alright.

Enough for now. Hang in there, all of you. You're in my heart, and my prayers.

Love, Light, and Peace,

Moanalisa......Joyce

[julsmom]

Tina - I hope yesterday went as well as can be expected. I pray that you and your family have found some comfort and peace as the years pass. Your words are always an inspiration to me.

Stu - You too have written well and bring hope for many.

To All - I finally found a permanent full time job. Which will mean less time to think of the past. I start on the 9th and the human resources person explained I would have no paid time off for the first 90 days (standard) but if I needed time off I should ask now. That Friday (the 13th) will mark 3 years since Julie has been gone. I explained this to her that I would like it off and they agreed. It is a large nation wide company and I was unsure if they would grant my request. My husband and I plan to go to Pittsburgh where this is a garden in her memory. It's 4 hrs. from here but it will be worth the drive.

Peace to all. Lynda

[heartbrokendad]

Mamabets,

I'm going to really try, I have waited a long time, and really believe the kids have sent me this angel...the things that have happend with us, the signs are there, I really believe my kids have wanted me to be with this woman, have even sent her? Or at least made the connection for us....I wish I could tell you all the things that have taken place that prove to me that they are involved....

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[mamabets]

For Heartbrokendad~ I have NO doubt, my friend... My Danny's signs are a constant source of proof that he is here with us still...The same goes for your Carrie and Matthew!! Be happy, and you will find their strength~I love you and email me any time at huntross4@aol.com!!!xoxomamabets

[briansdad]

I went out to the cross where Brian died on his angel date last Sat. I've gone both years now on the angel date and his birthday.I told the story of his first birthday how when we went out there and knelt by the cross the horses across the road lined us on the fence and just stared at us until we left.

They did it again last Sat.lined up and just stared.

I've been out there other times and they pay no attention to us so I don't know what's up but maybe they feel the emotions or see Brian with me I don't know but it is the strangest thing.

2 years! WOW is all I can say.

[daveydow1]

Moanalisa--Joyce,

I also believe that it is good to have a spiritual

connection with our dear children who passed over

before us. I agree---it is difficult to explain

about spiritual connections, but I believe that

it is a good thing to try to embrace this facet of

our grief. Of course I also agree that there are

times that we just "lose it" and ask ourselves all

those questions, and have all sorts of doubts. I

think that is just part of the grief process. It is

a roller coaster ride to say the least. All this is

just how I feel, and I know everyone has their own

thoughts and beliefs. We all have to walk this road

and do the best we can. My prayers for all here at BI,

and Peace & Light to all.

[mom2angels]

{{{Mark}}} What an interesting question ~ My guess is that there are probably cultures/religions, where open grieving is encouraged and practiced. I wonder if the duration of their intense sorrow is less than those of us who live in a culture where death is rarely discussed, and grief is basically expected to be swept under the rug and expressed privately only.

I know from personal experience that stuffing down the giant pain I felt in the early phases of my grieving affected me adversely in many ways. I had to learn to be in charge of my grief, which included my response to those who didn’t/couldn’t comprehend its magnitude. The lesson there was to expect less from people, and not to be surprised or hurt if I received nothing from them.

My thought is that in Biblical times, people were more compassionate toward the bereaved, because death was common place, and everyone understood the depth of another’s pain, particularly in the loss of a child. So, the overt displays of grief were familiar and didn’t make others uncomfortable. And perhaps, others even joined in with another’s grieving, sharing their own losses ~ very much the way we do here at BI.

Anyone else have thoughts on Mark’s interesting question? It’s one to ponder…

How is your beautiful bride doing? And how are you doing, Mark? My healing prayers continue for both of you.

{{{Cc66512}}} ~ You have my prayers to recognize God’s guidance in your life right now, and that He will grant you peace and comfort as you struggle to understand why your precious Brian left this Earthly life with you so soon.

Your tears are diamonds of love for Brian, tears from a Mother’s heart, and God is collecting every tear drop in a bottle for you. After my son passed, our wonderful hospital chaplain said that to me, as I wept over my dear son. I still find comfort in those words.

Five months is such a brief time on this journey. You need to cry, and you should cry whenever you feel the need. Tears are healing and cleansing. Michael received his wings over 3 years ago, and I still cry much more easily than I did before he passed. But, the intensity, frequency, and general duration of my crying are significantly less than they were at 5 months. Or one year. Or two years. It’s better for you, and healthier for you, if you let those tears flow.

{{{Tina}}} ~ Senior in high school is a difficult age as it is, but to add to it grieving for your brother and thinking about your own mortality is especially challenging. I’m sure that your advice and support will lead your son in the right direction, and he will LIVE life. He has a great example in you. My prayers are with you both.

{{{Joyce}}} ~ Thanks for clarifying for me, and I didn’t mean to imply that your sister in law was a horrible person either. My friend, who was stunned that I was STILL grieving for Michael after 10 weeks, is not a horrible person. No one is, who says these things, because as you said, they just don’t understand.

And, I completely understood what you wrote about our spiritual connection. That was something else, which our hospital chaplain addressed, as we stood beside Michael after he passed. She talked about our dependence upon the physical senses for our relationships with others, but that the true relationship between all of us is spiritual – between the spirits. She counseled my husband and I to embrace all avenues of communication with Michael on a spiritual level. Following that advice, we have been blessed with an amazing connection with him, far exceeding our imagination prior to his passing.

I will pray that Ken lets you know that he is in the Light, surrounded by God’s amazing Love, and with you always, understanding your pain and comforting you with his presence.

{{{Lynda}}} ~ Congratulations on your new job. Your new employer is kind to allow you time off on the 13th so that you can visit Julie’s memory garden in Pittsburg. My thoughts will be with you, and prayers for safe travel. If you have a moment before then, please be sure to post a message here reminding us of Julie’s Angel Date and your travels.

{{{Stu}}} ~ How wonderful that Carrie and Matthew have sent you a lovely woman to share your life. You certainly deserve all of the love and happiness coming your way now, and I have no doubt that your children are orchestrating it all. Many blessings upon your relationship.

{{{Brian’sDad}}} ~ Horses are quite intelligent and intuitive (as are all animals), and I can imagine several theories for their gathering at the fence on those special dates when you visit Brian’s cross. One theory is that they sense your heightened sadness, and they gather to support you. Another theory is that Brian directs them to the fence to support you. Notice that “support” is contained in both of my theories, and neither one is mutually exclusive. Any way that I look at it, it seems to me that those horses are there for you.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone and prayers to all for your peace and comfort~

And this evening, my thoughts and prayers are with the parents in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania, who lost their daughters today, and those whose daughters are clinging to life at this moment.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[daveydow1]

Mom2Angels,

You put it so well about people being more open in

other cultures and times past when it comes to

grieving. In past centuries, and most certainly in

biblical times, the infant/child mortality rate must

have been very high since the life expectancy was

not long for adults either. Even in the 1800's and

early 1900's death from health problems and accidents

must have been high, so as you say---death was more common

and people went into mourning--wearing black clothing etc.

for extended periods. Today, death seems to be a topic to

be avoided at all costs, and not a subject to bring up

in conversation. I am so glad that I found BI so that I

can talk to everyone here, and know that they know how

I feel. Thanks for your valuable input. Peace to you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Roslyn, thank you for thinking of the families who lost their little girls by the cruelty of one man. I read your post last night, and immediately the tears began. I couldn't write, so I decided to wait. This whole thing pulls those memories back to the surface, and I feel like I'm reliving Jenni's death all over again. This pain I feel is being shared by three pairs of parents about four hours from my home. Fortunately, I understand the Amish, who are a very close knit community, and comfort each other in times of sorrow.

Gee, I didn't mean to open up such a discussion, but in a way, I'm fascinated with your responses. I've always been interested in the way people live, but I never thought I'd study how we grieve.

I hope everyone is having a good week so far. I keep a kind thought and a prayer for you all. Mark

[ronsmom]

Hi everyone...haven't been on for a while. to Mark: so glad you celebrated the anniversary, such as it is. I'm sure it was a bittersweet day for you.

There are 5 grieving families now in the Amish community. I used to live in Amish country and they are close knit. Some orders though do not openly grieve, they must keep that inside, as all death is Gods Will. Although something like this happens and I am sure they are bonded with one another. Such a senseless act.It makes me sick inside thinking of these poor families who never bother anyone! Though this act came out of the blue, this country of ours has to start making changes on how we handle these monsters who pray on our children.

Went through some more bad days this past week,I don't see any signs that things will become much better for quite a while.The sleepiness thats hit me lets me escape reality temporarily but then I wake and its still All There!

Were planning on a trip to visit my daughter next month, I hope this gives us a lift, we could sure use a little boost right now.

I loved reading the Horse Story below, WOW is right!

I think I'll just go dwell on that for a while, its beautiful to think about it!

blueskies and (( )) to all of you.

Bonnie

[mamabets]

For Alwaysmyjennifer~ You know me- I DO grieve openly, whenever the "spirit" so moves me, and for those that do not or can no embrace it and me, their loss in the long run. Social issues- POOEY!! And, like I have said before- I am a lady. However, when it comes to people either shying away from me or completely avoiding me because I now carry with me in my heart a "topic that may be too hard to discuss" my feeling is this- If you love me, love this as well and learn how to be more compassionate. I wonder how Danny would feel? We all know the answer to that one, including the people in my life that opt to just keep on moving on- Danny was way too nice for this world and the people that played the fake card?? Judgement day comes for all, and for those that chose to not take the time, or find the time, or lie about as much as they could lie about, oh well~ I no longer feel that I need to try to make it easier for them, nor do I want to. THAT, is a very good thing~ Now, it goes both ways- This poor community of the Amish choose to grieve in private- This is what works for them, and they are "reaching out" by trying to do it in their own way- The media can, and will, wrip these poor people to shreds. Same for Anna Nicole Smith- I am amazed at the people who think that they know, what they clearly don't because they were not there, as in the entire media...These are LIFE'S cruelties- There is not even a level of understanding cruel in Heaven!!! I say this because I know it, and I know it because I have been shown and told by my Danny!! I love you~ xoxoxmamabets

[txlouise]

Hi All,sorry i haven't written in a few days.I did something really hard last week.Before keren died I loved doing this type of thing,but loss changes one so much.My sweet daughtr in law had her 27 birthday.I had her over and my son Eric and my younger son James and his sweet girlfriend.I had a big lasgana dinner,had a bithday cake for Liz and even had my house cleaned.I was happy for them,i love my sons and daughter in law,but all I could think was "I will never hve another b-day with my sweet keren.Something that used to bring me great joy,now leaves me empty,no one knew.I am becomming a good actress.But am i going to have to fake happiness and joy the rest of my life?I used to be such a happy person when i had all 3 of my children.Now all I feel is hurt,sadness,emptyness,longing for Keren.How do people live this way?What are we to do?But I am proud that i did the b-day dinner for my boy and daughter in law.They just didn't lose a beloved sister,they lost a mom in a way too.A dad also.we are still here physically but thats all.I feel like we are all suffering so.Love,louise