Loss of an Adult Child

[maskott]

I haven't been on much lately. I've found it makes it more painful to see others in the emotional state that I am in. I came on this morning and saw the post from Mamabets and had to respond.

Monday, Aug 7, was Matthew's angel date. The countdown of the 1st year is over and now we start the second. To say that always make me uncomfortable. Today, I think of Matthew just as often as I did the day after he died. I have to admit that not many people called me on Monday...not even my own mother. I saw her yesterday, and no mention of it. A few of his friends texted my son to ask if he wanted to join them for a few drinks in memory of Matthew. I thought that was nice.

I have to mention one thing here...I went into Matthew's room on Monday. A few minutes after I got in, a light sensitive electric candle flickered a few times and went on. This was at 11:00 in the morning with the sun shining through 2 windows. It stayed on all day. Even my husband Jeff (mattsdad) couldn't explain it but to say that Matthew was with us that day. I hope this might give some insight to the new members. Keep you eyes open and look for signs...they are definitely there.

Mark...you are of course in our thoughts and prayers.

And to the new people...I'm sorry for your losses and wish I could be here more for you. The people on beyond indigo are the best and they helped me so much during the hard times. I hope I will be able to do the same thing in the future. My thoughts and prayers, though, are with you always.

BettyAnn

[ericasmom]

Dear BettyAnn

I understand completely about staying away for periods of time, I think we all do. I stay away when I simply cannot stay as involved in the sadness, and I come back when I am bolstered or whatever? I do not always see a pattern to it. We just entered our fourth year of loss, my daughter Eri left in July of 2003, and so when you say the countdown is over, I fully understand. I had a hard time with the 1st year being over, afraid that Eri would be forgotton but have found it not so. HEr friends still gather in her name on her birthday in April and again in our yard for ERi-fest in July each year. Some have asked me to always have the fest so that the girls stay connected through ERi as they now live all over the country. They too want the connection but may be unsure as to how to keep it going and so we do it. One other way that helps me a great deal is we have a fund in her name which I write checks from to support students at the elementary school where I teach and where my children attended. I am able to write checks from ERica fund to help kids sign up for scouts, sports, summer programs that their families would not generally have money for. It is a way that ERi stays current in people's lives, she is still working her magic.

As you enter the 2nd year, know that those of us longer on this path are here, some of the ache changes and some things simply do not. I am glad Matthew let you know that his light still shines on, it always will through your love.

Dee

[kathy714]

Dear Mark,i am so sorry for all that you are going through,i know how differcult it is when the people we love are sick and in pain,you were there for me when my husband was really ill,and i want you to know my heart breaks for you.I will say many prayers for you and your wife,lord knows i believe that prayers are what is helping my husband to do as well as he is right now,so never give up faith and hope...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Maureensmom,i am sorry that you had to go through such an awful time with that er nurse,i am also a ER nurse,and i can not imagine any of our nurses acting that way.We always are very understanding ,most of us have children,we get so upset everytime we get any kind of young person in that situation,we always make sure the pt is cleaned and looks presentable,and would NEVER cover over their face with a sheet.I hope someone else might of picked up what kind of nurse she was,and maybe she is no longer in this profession...I can't believe how many nurses there are on this site,strange how there are so many coincidences here...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom forever

[maureensmom]

Dear Kathy: Thank you for writing... I didn't even realize that covering her face wasn't what was normally done. Every second of that experience is so burned into my brain that I can hardly stand to look at sheet and blanket corners, because they had flipped a corner of the sheet diagonally across her face, so that when I approached the gurney, I'll never forget that triangle of white covering her face, with this huge spill of red hair hanging off the gurney, because they hadn't even bothered to position her head and neck properly, her neck was still hyperextended (?still from an intubation attempt?) It was so awful.

But, as bad as this was, it's helped me a lot to be in this little therapy group with other moms who have lost their children, because I understand now that whatever the circumstances of the death, or of that first look at your child after death - that those seconds are burned into your consciousness and they will never go away or fade with time.

I think it's too late to report her, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like making an appointment and going in to see the CEO of the hospital.

[lissus67]

Hello my name is Lisa, I am posting for the first time but have been reading for a week or so now. My 20 year old son Mike was shot and killed on July 9th of this year. He died due to the negligence of a gun owner, which happened to be my mother, his grandmother. I miss him so much and I know the people here know how I feel. I am dealing with the silence in my house (Mike was noisy and messy I am dealing with the refusal of my mother take responsibility for her part in this. She never even apologized for leaving a loaded gun lying around and wanted me to pay the 500 deductible to her insurance company so the room in her house that he died in could be cleaned. I have never felt so lost in my entire life. I can't seem to grasp that I will not see his beautiful, smiling face anymore. No more talks, no more mom, can I borrow 20.00, no more can I use the car....I live a minute from her so I got there before EMS when she called. I was told I shouldn't have gone in there but he is my baby! I thank God I got to see him one last time before the coroner took him away. He was still my beautiful boy. I held him until they made me leave. I don't know why I'm telling you this, people I don't know. I search for understanding and peace. Perhaps someone can guide me in the right direction.

[kirksdad]

Lisa, I am so sorry about what happened to Mike. The death of a child is so hard to bear, circumstances can push even more pain and sorrow into our lives. I know how hard it is to even talk to others about this, being able to come here and talk is really helpful and there are wonderful people that frequent this site that know exactly how you feel and will be feeling. I just can't even begin to grasp hold of the way your mother is acting, but when people are involved in the death they sometimes behave in strange and odd ways. It is better to feel they played no part in it rather than look to the truth of what happened. To ask you to pay the deductible, though, is not suprising, but still totally out of line and insensitive no matter how one looks at it. It is just unbelievably harsh. I know this will take what ever relationship you had with your mother and turn it up-side-down. Just know that you can vent when you need to. Having people to talk to about what you are going through and will be going through will help.

Our son Kirk was killed in an accident 6 years ago, just a minute from where we live. We pass it everyday. It is hard.

[kirksdad]

Maureensmom, I look around at the world today and am not suprised by anything anymore. To have a nurse act like that is absolutely terrible, maybe she has some story that has made her that way, or maybe she is just not a good person. Unfortunately, now a days civility and common courtesy seem to be like so many other wonderful thing, things of the past. It hurts to see all the hate involved in what is going on lately, but I do feel it is a painful sign of the times.

When Kirk was killed I had to identify his body in the parking lot of our hospital with about 15 people standing around. Walking up to the body bag, having them unzip it, pulling it apart to reveal his face, and allowing me only seconds with him was probably the worst moment in my life. I can hardly even talk about it without getting emotional. I know the people that were there were trying to be respectful, but to me it was so painful that I still to this day don't understand.

[ericasmom]

Oh Lisa,

you are telling us this as we tell you and each other our stories of deep pain, because we know that we are being not only heard, but respected and cared for and prayed for and understood. It is the place to go to let your feelings just run rampant, you are dealing with so many losses at once. Your boy is gone and you are going to ache and now your mom is behaving in a way that is impossible for you to gain any nurture or care. I am so sorry for MIke's death, for the way he died and the pain you now have. I am so sorry. My girl was hit by a train on the 8th of July in 2003, died 6 days later. I promise you that one day you will be able to remember the good stuff, hang in there, that time will come but until then there are many levels of grief that you must travel. The time period of your son's leaving adn the way he left probably has left you in shock, and while you are aware of all the realities ofthe situation, the shock keeps you able to function. In the next few months some of that will shed itself as you begin to enter a new phase of grief. Look for signs from your young man, small little nuances letting you know he loves you. One thing I can honestly feel joy from is having known my daughter, having such a strong connection to her allows me that connection still and I communicate with her in my dreams and in waking states as well. I talk to her, and I always feel refreshed when I do. I gave up worrying about how it looked to others, because when I feel I need to tell her something, or just say hi to her, I do. I will always be her Momma, you will always be Michael's Momma.

Love and Peace someday,

Dee

[lissus67]

Thank you all for your kindness and understanding. I am feeling a little relief that I have found others to talk to and not feel so alone. I can still smell Mike in the house. There is too much food, he ate everything in sight. I also have a 7 year old son and they have the same eyes and nose. I am grateful for him, he is my gift from God. I fear losing him too. I have gone through the why me, why my child phase. I'm still kind of in it, to be honest. I feel anger when I see others smiling and laughing. They don't know me or what happened, but I am still so angry about everything. My son is gone, how can anyone be happy? And if I hear "He's in a better place" one more time I think I'll scream. I am selfish, I am his mother and I want him back. To me, his place was with me and his brother. I am a believer in God, but I am also a bit angry at Him too. I know my boy is in heaven, I know there is no pain, only joy for him there, but I am SELFISH!!!! I want him home. I would give almost anything just to hug him again. I sit in his room, looking around like I'm going to see him somewhere. I feel like I'm going crazy. Do any of you feel like that too?

Lisa

[philipsmom]

Lisa,

My heart breaks for you. You are not going crazy. It is just a symptom of your grief. I lost my 21 year old son this past March and it has been a long hard road. I read quite a few books the first few months which helped me at first. I thought the craziness would only be around for a month or two but I still feel that way at times. For the longest time I kept thinking there was something I had to do but I couldn't figure out what it was. One day I realized what I had to do was bring Philip back. How crazy is that? The people that have been through this longer than you & I will tell you it does get better. I thought by now at the 4 1/2 month mark I would feel a little better but there are days when I feel like it just happened. I am glad you found this place. It can be a great help.

[lissus67]

He was supposed to get married, have kids for me to spoil and then bury ME! Not the other way around! The lost look on his little brother's face shatters what is left of my broken heart. Time creeps by. Long days, even longer nights. If not for Jake, I wouldn't have any reason to exist. I am suffocating under this. I miss you so much sweetie. Please try to visit me so I know you're ok.

[daveydow1]

Lissus67,

I am so very sorry for your loss of your dear son, Mike,

and for the terribly unfortunate circumstances that it happened.

The shock of "flashbacks" to the event or our dear children's

deaths is so very painful. I believe that everyone has these

times. I think that in time, they do lessen, but for now---

the shock tries to protect you. I am over 3 yrs. on this

unwanted, and sad road. My son, Davey, passed over 6/14/03

from a horrific crash on the highway. Your mother's behavior

is puzzling to say the least. She may be in shock also, after

the accident. But, then again, her wanting you to pay the $500.

deductible points to calculated thinking--not a person in shock.

Maybe, in due time, she will see how hurt you are by her actions,

and apologize and try to make ammends. Her behavior is very

damaging to your relationship with her. Hold onto little Jake,

and you will find the strength to go on. My prayers are with you.

Peace & serenity. Please come back to BI.

[maureensmom]

Dear Lisa,

I am so sorry about Mike. Everything you are describing is just what I felt and went through when my 20yo daughter Maureen died in December of 2005. The hole in my heart, the empty places in my home and in my life were just overwhelming. You used the word "suffocating", that's exactly how I felt, like there was this weight pressing on my chest and I couldn't even take a deep breath. And I was so cold... I was huddled under blankets with sweatshirts on. But I'm absolutely convinced that Mike is somewhere around you, as Maureen is with me. But oh how I want her back! I just want to rewind time. I had no idea how lucky I was, how blessed, how incredibly fortunate I was until she died and I lost all of that.

But it does get better, little by little. Pretty soon you will have some less painful moments, and then those moments lengthen. I too thought Maureen would take care of her little brother, who has multiple handicaps, I never dreamed this could happen.

BI is the most amazing place to come. Please keep writing to all of us, you are not going crazy. I'm beginning to think that grief is an illness because we all have the same symptoms. I'll say a prayer for all of you.

Georgia

[julsmom]

to Lisa- I am so sorry for your loss. You will find this site a good place to come to for comfort and understand and to vent. Our 27 y/o daughter died 10/13/03 in a one car crash. To that end, we just completed a move to be closer to our surviving son.

To All - the move went ok, with a few hitches, like the truck didn't show up for 36 hours and then the box springs to our bed wouldn't fit up the stairs. But we are here and our son has come to stay with us this weekend (the point of this move to be closer to him).

May we all find peace on this journey. Lynda

[lorismom]

For Lissus67 (Lisa) – I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Mike. I’m always saddened to see new people just starting out on this journey. I’m glad though that you found your way to BI as there are many people here at different stages of the grieving process. I lost my daughter, Lori, just a little over 2 years ago in a car accident. The first year I was mostly in shock and by the second year the numbness had worn off and the reality had set in. But now the intensity of the pain has gradually softened with time. I still miss her dearly, but now I’m able to remember the good times that I shared with her. She visits me in my dreams and I also treasure the signs that she gives me. Mike will give you signs when you least expect them. I hope they will give you comfort in the days ahead. Take care, Patty

[erinnzmom]

Lisa,

I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your son, Mike. There is no manual in this journey that we are on. I lost my 31 yr old daughter, Erinn, 13 months ago to a sudden unexpected illness. BI is a great place to come. We all understand where you are and we are all here to listen and hopefully provide support. I wish I had found it sooner. There are so many wonderful and caring people here. When I was going into the 11th month I thought I was going crazy I was still crying all the time. But I found out that it was a "normal" abnormal. Don't let other people tell you how to grieve. Do what you need to do for you and your son and get by the best way you know how. Your mother has issues, and was very insensitive I can't imagine asking you to pay the insurance fee. Please come back and know that we'll be here . And when we say that we know how you feel. We truly do. It was a club that we didn't ask to join. It so isn't the natural order of things. A parent should never have to bury a child. and when it's an adult child you lose not only a child but a best friend. I'll add you and Jake to my prayers .

Sending you both hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[Guest Guest]

Lisa,

I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your son, Mike. There is no manual in this journey that we are on. I lost my 31 yr old daughter, Erinn, 13 months ago to a sudden unexpected illness. BI is a great place to come. We all understand where you are and we are all here to listen and hopefully provide support. I wish I had found it sooner. There are so many wonderful and caring people here. When I was going into the 11th month I thought I was going crazy I was still crying all the time. But I found out that it was a "normal" abnormal. Don't let other people tell you how to grieve. Do what you need to do for you and your son and get by the best way you know how. Your mother has issues, and was very insensitive I can't imagine asking you to pay the insurance fee. Please come back and know that we'll be here . And when we say that we know how you feel. We truly do. It was a club that we didn't ask to join. It so isn't the natural order of things. A parent should never have to bury a child. and when it's an adult child you lose not only a child but a best friend. I'll add you and Jake to my prayers .

Sending you both hugs and prayers.

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[jasonmom]

Lisa

I am sorry about loss of your son. I lost my 24 yr suddenly almost 4 1/2 month ago and I felt just as you do. I too also wondered how other people around me could be so happy when Jason was gone. I also felt and still feel the same way as you do when people would say to me he is in a better place...he was too young to die his place is with his family enjoying life!!! I still have days when it seem like it was yesterday and cry often, but I do have better days. If it was not for my 11 yr old daughter, I don't believe that I could keep going. Take care of yourself & your son Jake.

[rhonda68]

Hello Lisa I lost my son Richard he was only 19 in a trajic car accident. I am so sory for the loss of your son and I know how deeply it hurts. Just know we at beyond indigo do understand the heartache, this seems to be the only place I get help from. It has been 15 months since the accident and I struggle daily with the loss and ache for him. I will say a prayer for you and keep you in my thoughts.

Rhonda

[ronsmom]

Having a hard time figuring out how this site works and posting...sorry if I made a blooper earlier somewhere in here.

I\'m new to the site (obviously) and just want to let all know how sorry I am that we are all in here and the reasons behind it.

I lost my son Ron last year on July 4th (2005), One Week after his 33rd birthday. He was an avid sky diver who collided accidentally with his girlfriend and both were killed instantly. He was in NJ I live in fl., We got a Phone call telling us he was dead,I get so angry when I think of him up there for over a day and we weren't with him because of Distance! He left me his dad, brother and sister behind and were all having a really tough time coming to grips with this even after a year. some days we can actually function a little, but it floods you at times and your a total wreck. When does it soften? He was such a good man, so much fun, always smiling, so compassionate and hard working, why him?....Sky diving was his passion, he Worked and Lived for it, never married and I think he chose not to because he knew the risks in his life and wouldn't want to leave behind a wife or child. He just loved the sport so much it took his life literally..........I get angry at times about it, but I admire him for having something he was so passionate about, that doesn't always happen. We just miss him so much, such a big part of our lives is missing, its just not right..........

guess I'm just venting, hope thats ok.........

[daveydow1]

Ronsmom,

I am sorry for the loss of your son, Ron, in a skydiving accident.

This site is a good place to vent and let others know how

you are coming along on this sad journey we're on.With so

many stages of grief that everyone here is on, we all wish

only to help anyone we can. Of course, nothing will take

away the pain, but with other people to listen, and who

understand your pain, it can sometimes be the only place

where we can actually let our true feelings be known. My

son, Davey, was age 31 when he died beneath the wheels of

a huge semi truck that overrode his car--(truck driver was

asleep at the wheel). That was 6/14/03. I miss my son

more as time goes by, but the raw, acute grief has softened

somewhat. I do hope you will return to BI.

Peace & prayers.

Daveysmom,

Sherry

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I have a question for you all. My wife will not be able to come home, seeing her condition is such that she will be placed in a nursing home for the rest of her life. I don't think there are words for how I feel about what I just said. At any rate, her placement has given me a little freedom to do things, such as go to the beach where Jennifer was . . . Oh, God, I'm going to finally say this (hang on) . . . murdered. (big sigh). My daughter thinks this is a crazy idea, but my therapist told me to go. Please, if you have any thoughts, I really want to know, do you think this will be healing or harmful to to my emotional state. You know what all I'm going through, with my daughter and wife. Please give your honest opinions. If you think I should go, say it. If I should stay home, say that. I have grown to trust what you say over the two years I've known you. Thank you for your help in this. I'll keep you informed of things as we go along with my wife. For now, it's a slow motion movie. We're waiting for some more test results, which we hope will be in by Tuesday. Then we also wait for the nursing home. Good news, though. My parents gave me a new van, set up for my wheelchair. Aren't they sweet! My best to you all, Mark

[ericasmom]

Sherry, you and I are now in our fourth year, it is good to see you helping lift those new to this pain, I remember when we both found our ways here, one month apart in our losses. Bless you as we continue.

To Ron's Mom, of course it is fine to vent, it is what you need to do in grief, you need to let it out to people who will take it in and know...know what it is like to be angry and sad and filled with pride and fear and ache. We know. For myself, therapy and this site and working with kids each day helped me stay standing. After the shock began to ware away, I had a clear idea that Eri, my daughter, would definitely hate it if I did not find ways to live in this world. (My girl was 19 when she was killed at a train crossing with a broken light and no crossarm 3 years ago.) Erica lived her full life, even though it was short and it is the saddest thing in the world, the fact is she lived her days fully and lived a full life, it was just so much shorter than what any of us would wish. I know though, that she gives me energy to live my best life, and so each day that is my hope, that I live my best life, that my son, (who she lived with out of state at the time of her death), will find ways to live his best life. Watching his transformation into the depths of despair and slowly coming into the light again has been my biggest struggle. At times it feels like I lost both Eri and Jon. He is putting his pieces back together and I am so very grateful when I see him smile, hear hs laugh again, and I believe if he went to therapy he may find ways, tools, to bolster himself a bit more. Guilt is a big thing for many parents and siblings,guilt over all the things in a person's life that you wish you either hadn't said or done, or for all the things you wish you would have done. The sad fact is we couldn't protect them from the elements that took them, and we feel at a loss. We protected them and helped them through their hurts when they were younger...but we could not save them. Your boy died doing what he loved and it is a good thing I think, to be able to admire him for his passion. It is honoring his spirit. You are entering the second year, and many people fear this as all the firsts are gone, but know that we are here and have gone through much of what you will travel, others helped us along this path and we are here now to help you as well. There is nothing easy about this path, but there are miracles along the way and somewhere down the road, you will feel some peace.

Bless you,

Dee

[julsmom]

Mark, my husband and son went to the accident where our daughter died. I'm not sure it brought him any comfort, but I do know it was what he needed to do. No one can tell you what to do, but you must remain true to yourself and what you is needed for your healing. Peace to you and your family. Lynda

[erinnzmom]

Hi Mark,

I've missed you my friend. You said that you'll have the freedom to go to the beach where Jennifer was murdered ( you wrote it wow!). You said that your therapist said go, your daughter said no, but you didn't say what Mark wanted to do. I'll share that it's really hard for me to even go past the hospital where Erinn died but I was there with her so I don't know if that makes a difference. If I hadn't been there. Would I need to go to where she breathed her last breath? Probably. Whatever you decide just know that we are all here for you .You and Mary are on many prayer lists.

Hugs and prayers

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[aprilsmom]

Okay Mark, remember when I asked you how you felt about your screen name and you changed it????????? Go to the beach. Where is it anyway, I thought you mentioned California??? Do it, I don't know how to explain what happens there except that..........sheesh, I don't even know how to explain it. Not closure, but something like it.

Love ya,

Renee

[briansdad]

Mark,

If you want my vote I say go.I go the place where my son died and my feelings are this.It is out in the country and very peaceful and I do get comfort from the fact that the last place he saw was beautiful.He had just left seeing his 5 year old daughter off to school.I will go there every year on the annivesary of his death at the time that he had his accident and just sit.

Am I crazy? Maybe but I do what's good for me, as you should.

Take care

[ronsmom]

Thank you for responding folks, I feel so inadequate in everything I do anymore, my confidence has been shattered and I feel so empty, empty in the heart and empty headed.(some would say thats cause I'm blonde), but seriously I just can't seem to think clearly since Ron died. Its been such a long road yet feels like one long day, how could a year have passed us by? Theres just no preparation for the before/during/and after is there? I hate weekends!!!! I so much hate weekends, don't know why but it seems like the realization is so much more magnified on a weekend. My husband really gets it rough on the weekends and that makes it even harder for me, I used to be able to "fix everything" but I can't "fix this", no amount of back patting helps. wow, I've lost many in my life, but nothing ever affected me like this, even my parents who I lost way too soon, this is just overpowering emotions..........

I've read many letters from "foreverjennifer" I don't know the whole story, but you asked if you should go to the place she was "snatched" from you...I say Yes. Especially if it was the beach. I live in fl. and though Rons accident was far from here I go to the beach and see how insignificant I am, something about the mass amount of space and sky that overwhelms me, its a little comfort. Under your circumstances I can't believe that being "there" would make you feel worse. Your going through sooo much now, and were always told "were only given as much pain that we can handle" so go for it: can't be any worse! If I were you, and its a beach, go at NIGHT...its such a different feeling and so quiet and vast, something about it being on the beach at night with only the waves and moonlight, it seems to pull weights off of you, and just Cry. Thats what we do. When its really really hard, we go to the beach at night and cry. I just feel emptied out afterwards. I wish you peace "Mark".......

I always say the word snatched rather than passed on or killed or died! because thats how I feel, he was Snatched out of a perfectly good life for What?

hugs to all of you, hope you get a break from this heartache for a few minutes today........Ronsmom

[erinnzmom]

Ronsmom,

First, I'm sorry for the loss of your son. There is no way to prepare for the journey that we are on. There are no manuals. This is so not the order of things. It doesn't feel like a year has passed for me either. It was a year on the 30th of July. We call them Angel days. Isn't that better than the day that they died or snatched or whatever we used to call it?

You're right weekends are worse, especially in the beginning. I lost my daughter on a Saturday night @ 7:01 pm. I hated them. It's hard making decisions. I'm getting better, but I used to love to read but unless it's really good I read only a few pages and stop.. and I haven't quilted since my daughter died..so this loss in our life changes everything and we aren't the same person that we were before it happened. We will never be "normal" again.

So, take heart that you are not alone in the way that you are feeling, many of us have been where you are.

Hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[kirksdad]

Ronsmom, you are right about how insignificant things seem now. Last night we were out with our very close friends. They are experiencing the loss of a sister and a sister in law. She has cancer and it is terminal, not much time left. They have always been there for us with Kirk and last night we went to the lake, sat on our dock for a while, then sat on the beach watching the night sky, the Milky Way, there was also a meteor shower last night. All we talked about was how insignificant everything is compared to the scheme of things and death. How terrible it is to have to face that mortality when it comes to a son or daughter, a brother or sister. It is hard.

I do know that like you the beach is a great place to connect with Kirk, he loved the water. We aren't on an ocean, but have a very beautiful lake, in a sandstone and limestone valley just about 20 minutes away. Last night listening to the water, watching the moon glisten on the water, and all the wonders around us just made us feel so good, even when it seemed like hell was breaking in our daily lives. Sometimes we need a place to go to remember, to feel calm and safe. If only for a few hours that place can be very calming.

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Thank you so much for all the input. I didn't want to give you my thoughts on this, because I didn't want your answer to be based on "my" feelings. I've wanted to go for so long, it's been tearing at my heart. My wife's health wouldn't let me have time from home. Now, I want to go more than ever. But I have such mixed feelings. The guilt of not doing more for my wife hurts, even if I was caring for her twenty plus hours a day. There are so many feelings pouring through me, I'm going to wait a few more weeks before I go. I need to sort out these emotions so they don't tear me apart. The beach. I love the ocean. It's peaceful. I don't even know what I'm looking for. Peace? Forgiveness? Resolution? Briansdad, Is this crazy? It's peace of mind. It's a father's love. Keep going there. Have your time of peace. Thank you all. I'm going to spend a little time sorting out things here, getting all the details in order, and spending time with my therapist. When "I'm" ready to really go, I'm climbing into the truck and driving (Renee, soon you may see my screen name painted on a rig). I'll keep you posted on things, and I'll let you know when I'm taking this trip.

[lorismom]

For Ronsmom……I am so sorry for the loss of your 33-year old son in such a tragic accident. My daughter, Lori, was 34 when I lost her. I, too, have lost many friends and relatives including my parents, but the depth of the pain from losing your child is so much harder to bear. Nothing prepares you for the roller coaster ride that sometimes seems never ending. But now at 27 months, the grief has started to soften. I’m finding joy again in simple things like being out in nature as much as possible. I’m glad you found your way to BI. The people on this forum speak from their hearts. You are always welcome to read or post whenever you need to. Take care, Patty

[mamabets]

For Ronsmom~ I am mamabets, my son Danny was "snatched" from this life and move on to his other NEW life in June of 2004, in Florida- The Tampa area... I was raised in New Jersey, moved to Florida going into my senior year of high school- Now live in North Carolina, but most family is still in Florida-My daughter is in Chicago- Where do you live? I am so terribly sad to find you here- Another Mom who is in the early stages of this new thing that feels like terminal sadness...However, I will say to you that in time,{ and when you spend ALOT of time here with us, it helps,} life does begin to "glow" in the new normal... It is a walk unlike any other- Be kind to yourself, be gentle with those around you and KNOW that all of the in between stuff, such as wanting to SCREAM instead of being so gentle, is part of it all!!! A roller coaster of emotions that don't seem to let you up for air, yet you become accutely aware of the fact that you are breathing...We are ALL here with you and will help in any way that we can. God Bless you for your courage...I love you for being the parent that will make our Angel Ron shine for eternity!! xoxoxomamabets

[ericasmom]

I am with everyone here on this topic of going or not going to the last place your child was Mark. I think that somehow there is a connection that happens for many of us when we visit the places of our loved ones last moments. I am not saying that there isn't pain, but connection to the pain is important as well. Without going you may always wonder if you could handle it, and really, as someone here said, you have been through soooo much, this won't be worse, and infact could help you toward healing. I agree, not closure, no such thing when we lose a child, but healing, yes. I went to the place Erica was hit by a fast moving Amtrak. I stood on the tracks and then walked to the place where her car finally stopped. I needed to. I have been back a few times, (we live just outside Chicago, she was killed in Kalamazoo, Michigan). Now, because of her, the whole set up has been changed, the tracks do not intersect the little acess road as it did. A good thing. Eri and I always loved the sound of train whistles, since i was little and then she just always loved them. We live near two sets of tracks and I hear train whistles several times per day...I still like the sound. Just like you will probably still like the beach.

To those of you new here,

Life goes on, even if we don't get why, but we are here for a reason, live as gently as you can, reach out in as many ways as you are able, you will not always feel as you do tonight. there will one day be a new normal, and a rhythm will begin in your world again.

Peace,

Dee

[midhar]

You all are so young in this terrible grief walk. it has been over 7 years since I lost Patti 37 at the hands of her bi-polar sister Chris 35

When they told me it would soften in time and that I would have joy and happiness in my life again though it would be a different joy I did not believe them. I felt so guilty the first time I smiled at something or laughed too and was actually enjoying myself. I felt like I was the worse mother in the world to be able to do that with them both gone.

Patti left a son, our only grandson Jimmy 16 at the time he lost his mother. I had to go on for him and for my husband and I just could not take my life and cause them more pain. I finally made a decision that I was going to live and not die and after that I made many choices to continue to live a life my daughter Patti would be proud of. It has been hardest journey I have ever had to travel and the hardest choices I ever had to make but I have survived what I no should have to survive. The death of a precious child. Makes no difference what we lost them to or from nor what age or premature or miscarriage the pain is the same and the hole in our hearts is still raw.

Know I care, Jeni

[lissus67]

Thank you all for your support and understanding, I appreciate it so much. I know this is an hour by hour process and I am crawling up a huge hill. I expect to be knocked backward a lot, but will log in here just to read and go forward. I am not ready to deal with my mother yet, so she is on the back burner for now. My Jake is the only thing that makes me smile, then I get that fear of losing him too. I know I am being over protective, he's all I have left. A co worker of mine told me not to worry about losing Mike, I'm still young enough to have another baby. I just turned and walked away before I said something I would regret later (or not regret at all). Sheesh! I'll be thinking of all of you today. God Bless,

Lisa

[peacefulnow]

My heart goes out to all of you as you struggle with this very difficult journey. There are so many kind hearts reaching out to help one another.

To Jeni. I really needed your message, the timing was perfect. Your words were encouraging and up lifting to me. I’m at the seven-month mark in my grieving for my son. I wake up with a feeling of dread, and emptiness so profound that it truly frightens me. I feel as though joy and happiness are going to be forever out of my grasp. Where is the pleasure? Where is the feeling of calm and feeling safe? Where is my appreciation for all the wonderful little joys in life? You say someday a “different joy” will enter my life. I needed to hear that at this particular time. I need to believe that.

Peace to all. Cindy

[ronsmom]

Thank you all for your support. I'm so glad I have found this site to "talk" on, I don't have many around me so I have to let it out somewhere.

To LISA: I know what you mean about fearing the loss Again..I have an older son and younger daughter (than Ron) and 2 little grandaughters, I would certainly go over the edge if something were to happen, and the thoughts are with me almost all the time.

To MAMABETS: Ron had a home in Wesley Chapel fl. (tampa) but was living in Monroe twp. glouchester cty. NJ at the time of the accident. His job offered him two places to go for assignment, there or Kaui Hawaii. I remember saying Ronnie DUH...a no brainer! But he said, "theres no drop zone in Kaui"......so he chose NJ, the accident was at cross keys sky dive center. Thank you for your kind words.

I know this is going to be a long painful journey, like I said its been a little over one year and feels like it just happened, I can still see all the people in my home, still feel the wheels under the car on that long trip back from NJ leaving behind the life I knew, and still see Ronnie lying there as if asleep. So so hard to leave him there. When I first wrote I said I was sad cause I haven't had ANY signs, or ANY dreams, but I do remember having a two signs, the main one was here at my home. We returned and I held an open house in celebration of his life. Ron was being cremated and they told us in NJ that we wouldn't "recieve him" for at least a week or 2. I opened my house 3 days later for his friends who came from everywhere: NJ, NY, PA, Ohio, Caymen Islands, FL, Chicago and VA even a man from Australia was here. Anyhow, as the man from Australia was coming into the door at the end of a line of about 55 people, the mailman came and handed him a Box. It was Rons Ashes.!! Just like Ron to make a Grand Entrance!!! I have to smile at that. I am supposing that was a Sign for us! I just wish I could have a dream so I can see those smiling eyes of his.

Seems were all going through these day to day struggles of how to live without.....the hole inside won't fill up no matter what I think I see or what I want to see, feelings are non existant, still numb, and still wondering how to move forward. Still taking baby steps.

hope you all have a little peace again today!

thanks for your support and kindness.....

Bonnie (ronsmom)

[daveydow1]

Ericsmom,

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, we are at the same "stage"

in our grief. This site has meant so much to me---to be able

to vent and let out feelings, and have others truly understand.

Mark,

I would say that if you have the feeling that you do want

to go to the beach, then maybe you should go. It is such an

individual call, but I think it may give you some feeling of

peace, possibly. I went past the area where my son, Davey, was

killed by the runaway semi-truck. Since it is in such a busy

area, and at an exit, there is no opportunity to stop, get out

of the car, and try to find "something". When I went past it, I

didn't feel much---just sad. Maybe it is because he didn't

actually die there, but passed over an hour later in the trauma

center. I don't drive past anymore, and my husband won't go

either. I just think you should do as your heart leads you to do.

I pray that you will find peace whatever you decide. How kind of

your parents to give you the van. They must be great people like

you. Take care. Prayers & light to you and your dear wife.

[daveydow1]

Ronsmom,

You mentioned not being able to think too clearly. I

believe that this is one thing that happens to us,

especially in the early painful times. I remember that

right after my son passed, I was in the grocery store

and it took me probably 15 minutes to decide on what

kind of jelly to buy. I returned to work after only 3

wks. (employer putting on the pressure for me to return).

I could not concentrate, and had to leave the job. I do

hope that you can find some peace, somehow, in these early

days after the loss of your dear Ron.

[daveydow1]

Lisa,

It's amazing that the therapist said the remark that

you should not worry about Mike because you could still

have another baby. That was so insensitive. Sometimes

we get it from all angles---don't we? I'm glad you just

walked out, and the remark that you said to her was well-

deserved by her. Maybe it will make her think about just

blurting out words without thinking. I think you are right

to put aside the issue with your mother for now. You need

all your strength for the time ahead. My prayers are with you.

[briansdad]

Hi all, just thought I'd try to see if I could share a photo with everyone.

Brian's car club friends are having the second annual Car show for the benefit of Brian's daughter.They weren't sure of what date it should be.Well it ended up being on the second anniversary of Brian's death Sept 30th.They weren't sure I would approve. I told them I know Brian wouldn't have it any other way.

Anyway I had some balloons made for all in attendance to release and I wanted to show all of you. I think if you just copy and paste this link you can view it.

http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d1/champion191/briansballoons.jpg

[kirksdad]

Briansdad, how neat. "Who needs wheels when you have wings."

[ashleysmom]

Bonnie, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Thank God he was doing something he loved. My daughter Ashley died three days after moving out of my home, She was 18 and couldn't wait to start her life. She was so excited about her apartment. It was really tough in the beginning to come to terms with the fact that she was where she should have been. Thank God she got to experience living on her own, even if it was only three days. Ashley died on July4, 2004. The first and only dream I have had of her that I can recall was on June 25, 2006. It was very brief. Her sister was having her baby the next day and Ashley sropped by my dream to say Hi! and that's basically all there was... Ashley saying "Hi Mom" I tried to go back to sleep to have her come back, but it didn't happen. I think I have dreamt of her at other times and just don't remember because I have woken up crying. Peace, Dottie

[ashleysmom]

Briansdad, The balloons are great! I love the logo!

Got a phone call (late) Sunday night. We all know that feeling. My nephew fell asleep at the wheel of his car. I'm not sure what he hit, my guess is the guardrail. He was thrown from the car. You would think seatbelt would be real important in this family by now. We have lost two children, two years apart to auto accidents. My nephew Steven died 12/13/02, Ashley died 7/4/04. Heath is alive, Thank God! He was med-flighted to Boston, Mass General. He has a broken pelvis, broken leg, lacerated spleen, fractured vertebrae in his spine and is having surgery this morning. Please pray for him. He is a serious body builder, and was in really good shape when the accident occurred. Probably saved his life. Thanks for the prayers, Dottie

[ashleysmom]

Mark, I was at the accident scene within an hour of the accident.(due to the way the police handled the situation) Ashley was still in the car and the car was covered with a tarp. I did not know at the time what that meant, Thankfully. After, all her friends brought flowers and notes and teddybears and stuff to the site. My nephew made a cross. We never put the cross there, we used it for her grave until the stone was in. Now it is here in my house. I never felt anything good there. I never felt her there. I finally cleared the site and took all of the things home to discourage people from bringing things there. I hate that site and I do have to pass it on occasion to visit close friends. On the other hand, I would have had to at least go there, so I would encourage you to go if this has always been on your mind. I needed to know everything about the accident and my daughter. Even the painful things. The ocean is very soothing and it may be different for you. I wish you peace when you do go, Dottie

[lissus67]

Dear Bonnie(ronsmom) I'm glad you understand about the overprotective feelings I have now. I am terrified something will happen to Jake. He was riding his bike yesterday and I said Be Careful! After telling him that about 1000 times he said Mom just because Mike died doesn't mean I'm going to. So now I'm trying to watch every move he makes without him noticing. I don't want to suffocate the poor kid but it's hard not to be afraid. He's all I have left. There is still no communication with my mother (for those of you that don't know, it was my mother's negligence and weapon that killed Mike. It was loaded and went off when it was knocked over) She is worried I am going to sue her. Doesn't she realize that no amount of money can make me feel better? She can keep her money, I don't want it. I want Mike back. Anyone have any advice on how I should deal with her? I am at a loss as to why she won't just say she's sorry. Any help would be appreciated.

Briansdad, the balloons are terrific! What a great thing to do.

Daveydow, that co worker now avoids me like the plague. I think she realized what a stupid thing it was to say.

I hope everyone is hanging in there, thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. Sometimes I just feel like calling it quits. Then I look into Jake's eyes, eyes that look so much like his brothers, and take a deep breath and trudge along. I log in and see all of your posts and find comfort in them.

I am not alone.

Lisa

[messenger]

DEAR LISSUS67...............YOUR LOSS IS SO RECENT....................I AM SO SORRY FOR THE PAIN YOU ARE FEELING RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW TRAGIC............WERE YOU AND YOUR MOM CLOSE BEFORE THIS HAPPENED?????????I AM NOT SURE OF ALL CIRCUMSTANCES..........BUT I WONDER.......IF YOUR MOM IS NOT IN SHOCK.......THAT THIS HAPPENED AND THAT IS WHY SHE CANT SAY SHE IS SORRY............JUST A THOUGHT...IT IS HER GRANDCHILD.......SHE HAS TO FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT ALL THIS...............I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT BEING OVER PROTECTIVE OF YOUR SON...JAKE.........WHEN OUR SON DIED FROM CANCER A YEAR AGO..................I TOO WAS AND STILL AM VERY PROTECTIVE OF OUR 2 DAUGHTERS..AND PROBABLY WILL ALWAYS BE..IT IS PERFECTLY NATURAL~~ YOU CANT HELP IT YOURE A MOM AND JUST LOST YOUR SON.............IT IS A MOTHERS INSTINCT~~~

WE ALL ARE HURTING HERE AND HOPEFULLY CAN HELP EACH OTHER..SOMETIMES WE SAY THINGS WITHOUT THINKING CLEARLY AND I DO THAT ALOT....NEVER KNOWING WHAT WILL OFFEND ANOTHER....SOME WANT YOU TO PRAY FOR THEM OTHERS ARE MAD AT GOD AND THAT IS THE LAST THING THEY WANT...SO NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY AT TIMES

KNOW I AM THINKING OF YOU AND YOUR SON...I BELIEVE YOUR SON IS STILL WITH YOU....MY SON LETS ME KNOW .....IT IS NOT THE END..BEEN A FEW MONTHS BUT I AM SURE HE WILL LET ME KNOW AGAIN..LAST NITE THE LAMP IN HIS ROOM KEPT BLINKING WHILE I WAS ON HIS COMPUTER...............DOESNT NORMALLY HAPPEN...

I PRAY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FIND PEACE............I KNOW HOW YOU ARE HURTING....................MESSENGER

[lissus67]

Messenger, thank you for your kind words. I don't have a clue what my mother's problem is. She told my sister that no one ever bothered that gun before so she saw no reason to lock it up. And the safety on it was broken as well. No one bothered it????!!!! No one bothered it when it went off and killed my son either. He never even knew it was there, the stupid thing was behind an old chair leaning up against the wall. He didn't bother it either but he's still gone. None of us knew that gun even existed, she never told anyone she got it. No one ever bothered it???? My youngest son was at her house all the time! If I had known she had that gun there NEITHER of my kids would have gone there until I knew it was kept away properly. What does a 70 year old, arthritic woman need with a loaded shotgun anyway??? I work for a burglar alarm company and have for years now....never did she ask me to get her an alarm system installed and always said no when I offered. I don't get it. I don't understand her reasoning. Is she in shock? Probably....I imagine I would suffocate under the guilt if I had done something so incredibly stupid and irresponsible as to leave an unmaintained, LOADED gun with a broken safety out in the open. And who pays? My son Mike paid with his life. His brother and me and the rest of his friends and family have to pay. My mother only expresses her concern that I don't sue her. Ok mom don't worry, I won't sue you. I AM SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!!! Just say you're sorry, say you miss him, say you love me, anything!!!!! I get to suffocate under this grief while she complains about being sued. Why can't she say sorry???? I miss him so much. His eyes were the color of the clear blue sky.....I don't understand anything anymore. Thanks for letting me vent. God bless us all and our angels.

Lisa