Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Miguel, I think that it was very wise for you to take some days off work to just be home and let your emotions run their course. I know how hard it is to look at a number and know that HE will not get to be 13...I am so sorry. And on the heels of your Boy's birthday is the day he left. There is nothing gentle about the loss of OUR CHILDREN, but in time, a lot of time, you will feel a softening to this hard and sharp pain. I will send hope to you as you find your way through these difficult dates. Come back, we are here.

Sherry, 5 DAYS? Holy Cow, strong coffee each day, ;well I drink that anyway so I would need extra. You will have fun but yep, you will be tired. They will too, they will love the time outdoors. You are a good woman to take the kids for 5 days, nice for Becky to have this time with the others.

Carol, I have company coming for dinner tonight and tomorrow, casual but still time...I had to leave for a meeting with the third grade team today so I could only write briefly, leaving out so much of what I would like to say to you. I know that you are smiling with the good gifts via your phone, and I know you are aching with the loss of Dorothy, but I do also know the heart you carry around with you, so full and so filled with grace. You have a special way about your love and we are very lucky for it.

[Jeff's Mom]

Goodness, well here I go again! Forgot to log off as per usual. Sorry. Thinking of everyone and holding you close. Starting another round of chemo tomorrow. Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Love, Kate

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

I just stopped by to let you know I read many posts.

I read the post about the 13 th birthday coming soon. Hang in there. We have all been there. Our family has celebrated 6 of Brian's birthdays without him. And it is never easy.

Hang on my friends and find several reasons to smile today.

Find happiness. Go out and look for it.

It worked and continues to work for my family.

We miss Brian more than words can say,but we are living again

Love to all of you

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

[ericasmom]

Thanks Col- for your words that inspire. I am happy to hear that you are doing well.

Susan, are you okay?

Del?

Brenda?

Betsy?

Betty?

Trudi?

Greg?

Leah?

Kathy?

Bonnie?

Rhonda?

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Miguel,

I'm glad you were able to take some time off while dealing with all the emotions of this time. I just lost my daughter, Trista, 2 months ago and have already had to celebrate one Birthday without her. Her 18th Birthday was just 20 days after her accident. So, I have a similar situation with dates being so close together but in reverse. Payers for peace during this difficult time.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

'It was the best of times...it was the worst of times'....

It was beautiful...it was horrific...

It was sweet....it was bitter...

It was soft....it was hard...

It was joy....it was sad...

It was real....it was mystic..

I have much to say and write...that will be later...just want my 'forever friends' on this site to know...I am 'ok'....I am in a 'sleep walk' state that only ones on this site can recognize and know what I am talking about....for many days I have felt 'here but not here'...once again ..having one foot on the ground...the other foot in the beyond...I am in two places at the same time....I go back and forth...in two dimensions...my emotions bubble up from my heart...lodge in my throat...and really can't communicate...only in four word sentences....short and shorter...for now. I am held in Arms of Grace and Healing...am comforted in the knowledge I am 'one of many'....all is well.

[daveydow1]

Susan-----Sending heartfelt prayers for you in this very difficult time.

Kate-----Wishing that the chemo your husband must undergo will

not be too rough for him. Prayers.

Miguel-----

I'm sorry for your pain at your dear beloved son's birthday,

and angelversary coming up. Peace to you.

Dee-----So far---so good. the boys (6 & 8) sure keep me busy......mostly

making sandwiches, fixing meals, scooping ice cream cones, and

a little of being the referee in their petty spats ....."Nanny, ... he's

looking at me". ..... etc. etc. They're outside playing golf in the yard

now, and my husband is helping them, so I get a break ! Yep---coffee

is definitely for me in the a.m., and I'm usually a tea drinker. Hard

pouring rain this afternoon, then the sun came out and it cleared up

nicely. Tigers/Indians game on at 7 p.m., so if it's not rained out in

Cleveland, the kids will watch that....they're Indians fans.

I, too, am thinking about all those who have not been on BI lately.....

those that Dee mentioned, and others too. I often wonder about

them, and pray that they are doing ok. Peace to them all.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

Thinking of you.

"for many days I have felt 'here but not here'...once again ..having one foot on the ground...the other foot in the beyond...I am in two places at the same time....I go back and forth...in two dimensions..."

Sending you prayers for comfort and healing during this time.

Miguel,

Sending you prayers today on your Son's Birthday and as his Angel Date approaches.

Sherry,

Glad you're having this time with your grandkids. Hoping the coffee helps!

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It's been a rough couple of days for me. Things did not go as we had hoped with the prosecutor. She looked me in the face, with tears in her eyes and said, "Sometimes what we can do legally is not what's right humanly".

We have other options and courses of action which we will take but I'm so heartbroken.

I miss my Tris so desperately. I just want to be with her. I asked her to be with me as much as possible during this time and I have felt her close. Little nudges to let me know she is near.

I've been so "inside my own head". I've had others around but not interacting much. I just don't have it in me. Of course, I interact as much as possible with the boys but that's about all I got.

Two things that happened have really helped the past two days. Trista had a little fairy doll named Iris. It was one of her favorite things. She kept her on her stand by her bed. Iris now travels in my purse whenever I leave the house and when I'm home she sits on the stand by my bed. I mentioned to my husband the other day that I would like to add some Iris's to Trista's Garden since she loved that little fairy so much.

Yesterday my grandmother came and she said that My Aunt had sent some flowers for Trista's garden. She had dug them up from my Great Grandmother's house years ago and had them at her house. She dug some up to send for Trista.I bought my Great Grandmother's house after she passed and we lived there until Trista was 13 years old. They were iris's and they came from the house Trista grew up in. I got online to look up how to plant irises and found this:

Blessed with the colors of the rainbow and the purest white, the iris has been recognized as the dancing spirit of early summer.

Perfect for my Trista born on the Summer Solstice, the very first day of Summer.

Its soft, fluttering petals remind the Chinese people of butterfly wings, flapping gently in the breeze. The flower is known as Tze Hu-tieh or "The Purple Butterfly”.

The iris's mythology dates back to Ancient Greece, when the goddess Iris, who personified the rainbow (the Greek word for iris), acted as the link between heaven and earth. It's said that purple irises were planted over the graves of women and girls to summon the goddess Iris to guide them in their journey to heaven. Iris was a companion to female souls on the way to the other world.

The other thing that happened was that today while I was looking at pictures of Trista on my phone my phone completely froze. I couldn't move from the home screen. Then it went black, came back on by itself, and when it did it started playing a song by the Ragbirds, "I'll fly away". I never listen to music on my phone but everything I download from iTunes automatically goes on there. Tris and I didn't always agree on music but the Ragbirds are a band we both liked. This song in particular we would play in the car both singing our hearts out. I haven't been able to listen to that CD or any music really since Trista left but I think she wanted me to hear that song today. I went to my room and sang through my tears feeling her beside me.

Here are the lyrics. I think it is an old song and The Ragbirds just do it:

I'll Fly Away

Some bright morning when this life is over

I'll fly away

To that home on Gods celestial shore

I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory

I'll fly away in the morning

When I die hallelujah by and by

I'll fly away

Just a few more weary days and then

I'll fly away

To a land where joys will never end

I'll fly away

I'll fly away oh glory

I'll fly away in the morning

When I die hallelujah by and by

I'll fly away

I'll fly away

It's these moments when I really feel her with me that get me through.

Thinking of you all tonight. Sorry for such a long post. This is the one place I know I can come and share all these feelings. Thank you all for that.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I had just signed out when I saw your post. I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you during all this. I know how hard and draining the legal things are. You are in my thoughts a lot. I hope you're able to remember the Kava Kava soon. It really does help but I know how it is forgetting things. As Trista would say, my brain is fried these days.

I just finished Hello From Heaven. It is a really good book and helped me a lot.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I'm up late. I just can't sleep tonight. I know sleepless nights are a part of all this. This two month mark has been so hard. Some of the shock is wearing off, as everyone here said it would. Now the pain. Not that there wasn't intense pain from the beginning but it was buffered by the fog of shock. And the extreme sadness. I've tried everything tonight. Tea, reading, working on Trista's website. I even tried writing which I haven't attempted since Trista left. I wrote a poem for her. Not good but from the heart. I took a picture a couple of days ago of the sky and I thought it turned out pretty. It made me think of my Beautiful Girl. I put the poem on the picture. I will share it here. This is the only place I could think to come tonight to read and write. I have been looking back at the old posts from all of you, who have been such support to me the past few weeks. Has it really only been a few weeks? Two months? Again that time distortion. I did that when I first started coming here, reading old posts, but to be honest I don't remember many details of anything from those first weeks. I hope it's okay to do. I wanted to be able to start to learn more about each of you and your Children without you having to repeat everything for me. It also helps me a lot to see that the things I am feeling and going through now we have all experienced. I hate that any of us are on this journey but if we have to be at least we don't have to do it alone. In Trista's words, "Raindrops fall in groups. They fall but never alone." I thought I would post the link to Trista's website if anyone has time and wants to look.

http://www.forevermissed.com/trista-mae-lindstrom/

Laurie, I love the song. I've listened to it twice now. I love Irish/Celtic music, anyway but this song is truly beautiful.

Shannon

[Mermaid Tears]

Loved the song....and the poem from the heartbroken Shannon...

Jeremy left a short time ago to catch his plane back to Portland...another good-bye....he works for Nike...and they let him have off...July 25- Aug. 8....and with pay...I thought he was going all these days without pay...all the news about how companies treat their employees is in the news...good to hear some are going above what they can.

I will really..really miss him....how my Mama heart wanted to 'beg' him to stay....but I have never been a clinging Mom....I have always sent my children off with prayers...support...and the 'atta-boy' spirit.

Now I face the 'year two'....and wonder how I will come through it...how will I be at the end of year two ?? I feel as if I wear a heavy coat...and I can't take it off. Grief is heavy, isn't it ? I surely miss my 'spark'....I miss myself....I have always had the personality of 'finding the rainbow in the rain'....I have always been able to take any situation and find 'the good'....or a handle to turn to make it all better...I feel as if I have lost that part of myself....or as Willie sings...'the healing hands of time' will sustain me. I feel so lost. I know somewhere deep inside me that this is normal.

This is the 'summer of my discontent'....I will write more about our 'Blessing and scattering' of John David's ashes.

I guess we all wish there was somewhere we could go to 'heal'...rise again...put all the shattered pieces back in place...where we could find the answers to the questions that keep us awake all night...have someone to tell us....'it will be alright'...and it is.

[ericasmom]

Will write more later but Shannon, the poem that you wrote is beautiful, hitting the notes of your life perfectly in your words...the photo capturing the essence of searching for Trista; skyward, heavenward. Sleeplessness is difficult but real, might as well write or read when you are up to unload that heavy heart a bit.

Sherry, I am having more coffee in your honor as you have time with those active young ones...

Susan, I want to hear more when you are ready, but I am so glad to see you back. I will write more later, busy times are starting.

[tobyfreefoot]

susan--i completely know that loss of spark. i have always been the have fun girl. my philosophy has always been "make your own party" everything is only as good a time as you make it. i have always been the one to liven it up, attitude is everything person. don't stress just enjoy life to the max. the key word i left out here is was. the loss of spark has been one of the most devastating parts of my new life. even my mom says "you're still fun, but you're not fun like you were. you have changed. i can see it. you're just not the same.

these are the lyrics to a jim white song that fit me to a tee. sorry i couldn't find it on youtube

Angel Land

I cannot be superman no more...

I cannot walk upon the high wire in my mind.

And now that I understand the extent of my mortal coil,

Suddenly and somehow I have lost all my desire...

To shine, to shine like the sun...

To shine, to shine like the sun...

On a sunny day in Angel-Land.

And I guess sometimes you find that the river just runs dry...

And you've got to get up out of the boat and walk.

And I suppose you might try to find another river,

But sometimes, sometimes it's just too hard..

To hard to shine, to shine like the sun...

To shine, to shine like the sun...

On a sunny day, in Angel-Land.

Mostly now these days I'm dreaming normal dreams...

Little things like who I spoke to, or what I did today.

I have not written a speech for God to say in years.

'Scuse me if I leave that undertaking up to those who say...

Who say the wanna shine, to shine like the sun...

To shine, a shine like the sun..

On a sunny day, in Angel-Land..

Sweet Angel-land

the good news is i have a garden again, not as well kept but it is producing. i got chickens, however i have to say my husband takes care of them. i have started collecting materials for an idea i have for an item to make and sell on the coop here and TA DAH i have cooked 5 times in the last 2 weeks. the first i have really cooked dinner since forest died so i think that is progress. i will probably never shine like the sun again but i may eventually at least be able to remain standing. when i was in high school or college my best friend of 45 years took a b/w picture of a glaring starburst sun over the lake and framed it for me and gave it to me on my birthday titled "shine on you crazy diamond" (from pink floyd) that was then and this is now. it is so sad for me. i was just hit too hard to ever fill my sails again.

shannon i absolutely love your poem!! that is exactly how i feel. that is part of why i stay on this site because i feel like i can talk abut forest all i want and nobody makes me feel like i should keep it to myself. it is soo beautiful i am going to put on my facebook if that is ok.

i also went to trista's page and i really enjoyed looking at all the pictures of your lovely daughter. her nature comes beaming through.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,Gretchen,

Please feel free to use the poem. You can change the wording from Daughter to Son for Jesse and Forest."searching for Trista; skyward, heavenward"... Yes, always always searching for Her, everywhere, in everything. I miss Her so very much.

Susan, Laurie, Gretchen,

Thank you all visiting Trista's site and for your kind words. It's so important to have our Children thought of and remembered.

Laurie,

We have cacti (I think that's the plural) in Trista's Garden in a planter so I can bring them in when it gets cold. She also has a "cactus garden" as she called it in her room with lots of different types. She loved them. I love that Jesse's prickly pears bloomed for you and that you have that memory but you're right, this is so very hard.

Gretchen,

The song is so true and fitting. I'm here but just existing.

Susan,

"I feel as if I wear a heavy coat...and I can't take it off. Grief is heavy, isn't it ?"

So very heavy. Most days it's hard to move and function carrying this with me all the time. I push forward because I have no choice but most of the time I just want to lie down under the weight of it.

Shannon

[M.Mata77]

Thank you all

[Mermaid Tears]

Thank you all

Just want you to know that we are holding on to you....with prayer and support...we know how hard this is for you and yours....we walk in your shoes...we know your sadness....you are not alone on this journey.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I finally got my little down for a nap and doing some reading. I found this poem. It touched on so many things we all talk about. I've always liked Emily Dickenson and may have even read this one before but if I read it a year ago it wouldn't have made sense to me like it does now.

After great pain a formal feeling comes--

The nerves sit ceremonious like tombs;

The stiff Heart questions--was it He that bore?

And yesterday--or centuries before?

The feet, mechanical, go round

A wooden way

Of ground, or air, or ought,

Regardless grown,

A quartz contentment, like a stone.

This is the hour of lead

Remembered if outlived,

As freezing persons recollect the snow--

First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

I just thought I'd share. It describes so much about grief. The wooden, mechanical ways we go through our days... The loss of the concept of time, at least in the way we knew it before.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, and I will now share a Robert Frost poem that I had never seen prior to reading in the book I mentioned; A Broken Heart Still Beats- Frost wrote this poem after losing his daughter, Marjorie 8 years after losing her. Essentially saying that his daughter made a difference having been here. Our Children have made a difference having been here as well.

Never Again Would Birds' Song Be the Same

He would declare and could himself believe

that the birds there in all the garden round

From having heard the daylong voice of Eve

Had added to their own an oversound,

Her tone of meaning but without the words.

Admittedly an eloquence so soft

Could only have had an influence on birds

When call or laughter carried it aloft.

Bet that as may be, she was in their song.

Moreover her voice upon their voices crossed

Had now persisted in the woods so long

That probably it never would be lost.

Never again would birds' song be the same.

And to do that to birds was why she came.

Gretchen, love those lyrics. Beautiful. Laurie, that music you posted was lovely, thanks. Shannon, I went to the link you posted and was led to a beautiful place, filled with love and devotion to your Girl. I love the many photos, but I will confess, I got very teary and thought to go to bed and look again later today. It was nearly 2:00 Am when I went to bed, so I was up late along side you. I had 8 18 year olds here who ten years ago, were some of my third graders. They were the group that I came to know 5 weeks after Eri was killed, they were the solace of my spirit. We have gotten together at my home for dinner when they were 16, but now, all graduated and anticipating the next phase in life, they came here and stayed until well past 12:00, we laughed and talked seriously and remembered and just really enjoyed being with each other. It felt so easy, so inspiring. Some actually were able to call me Diane instead of Ms. Conmy. I was thrilled. Everyone brought food and I am lifted by this time. However, I am tired, going to lay down.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Laurie and Shannon, the legalities surrounding the deaths of your Kids can really be a disappointing endeavor-very few of us were able to have what could be termed justice in the wrongful deaths of our Kids, though the process often leads you to something good. I am holding your hands.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Gang, and I will now share a Robert Frost poem that I had never seen prior to reading in the book I mentioned; A Broken Heart Still Beats- Frost wrote this poem after losing his daughter, Marjorie 8 years after losing her. Essentially saying that his daughter made a difference having been here. Our Children have made a difference having been here as well.

Never Again Would Birds' Song Be the Same

He would declare and could himself believe

that the birds there in all the garden round

From having heard the daylong voice of Eve

Had added to their own an oversound,

Her tone of meaning but without the words.

Admittedly an eloquence so soft

Could only have had an influence on birds

When call or laughter carried it aloft.

Bet that as may be, she was in their song.

Moreover her voice upon their voices crossed

Had now persisted in the woods so long

That probably it never would be lost.

Never again would birds' song be the same.

And to do that to birds was why she came.

Gretchen, love those lyrics. Beautiful. Laurie, that music you posted was lovely, thanks. Shannon, I went to the link you posted and was led to a beautiful place, filled with love and devotion to your Girl. I love the many photos, but I will confess, I got very teary and thought to go to bed and look again later today. It was nearly 2:00 Am when I went to bed, so I was up late along side you. I had 8 18 year olds here who ten years ago, were some of my third graders. They were the group that I came to know 5 weeks after Eri was killed, they were the solace of my spirit. We have gotten together at my home for dinner when they were 16, but now, all graduated and anticipating the next phase in life, they came here and stayed until well past 12:00, we laughed and talked seriously and remembered and just really enjoyed being with each other. It felt so easy, so inspiring. Some actually were able to call me Diane instead of Ms. Conmy. I was thrilled. Everyone brought food and I am lifted by this time. However, I am tired, going to lay down.

Beautiful...just beautiful Dee. "That probably would never be lost." And I would go so far as to say, "It Will Never be lost!" As long as a parents heart beats with love." I have read all posts this past couple of days. Thank you to all for the kind and beautifully written poetry that you have shared. It truly hits to the core. Well, it has been an action packed few days. Our beautiful 13 year old lab had a full blown diabetic seizure last evening. I had somehow not given her the insulin properly. The very first time in two years. She scared the heck out of me. I have to say it brought me back to the night Jeff died. It really through me into a panic. All well planned scenarios flew out the window. I lost it. We called the Vet in a panic. We had to make a decision on our own and we went with it. Thank God...and boy oh boy, I sure mean it. HE came through. I have lived nine lives in one year. I am thinking of you all tonight and wish you a good evening. I am just about to watch a tribute to Carol King. What can be more fitting..."You've Got a Friend." Love to all...your friend...Kate Holding you close.

[shellykut]

Good Morning BI Friends! I've been reading every day but my mind has been in a fog and I can't seem to put the words together. I would, however, ask that you say my Sarah's name out loud today, as it is her 32nd birthday. The roller coaster of emotion and anxiety that I've been on this summer is hard to describe but I know the ride will stop at some point...I've been on this ride before! Please know that I think of you all and hold you and your angels in my prayers. Shelly

[517958]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sarah!!!

[tobyfreefoot]

SARAH SARAH SARAH

Happy birthday!

fill your mother's heart with the presence of your love and may her heart overflow with joy at seeing your name still blazing and beautiful on this earth!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Sarah!

Wrap your arms around your Mom today and

let her feel your love and light all around her!

[Guest]

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

SARAH, SARAH, SARAH!!!

Happy Heavenly Birthday!! Thinking of you today, Shelly!! ((HUGS)) I pray your girl will send you a sign that she is around you today!!

[ericasmom]

SARAH

SARAH

SARAH

You came to your Family on this day, 32 years ago and you are with them each day. Sweep past them today in ways that they can identify your sweetness. Your name is music to your Momma's ears, to her heart.

[tobyfreefoot]

"Love does not need the World. It has its own".

Eugene Fersen

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Shelley....we who are on this site....are 'circling the wagons' for you today....for we know how the heart looks back on the memory snapshots of our children....and that special day they slipped down from heaven and put in our arms....is still a day of magic and wonder. I thought at one point in my life that I would have 5 daughters...I already had their names picked out...I only had one...and she got the first name..Randa Susan...(in our family a daughter will have her Mom's name or maiden name as her middle name)...then a Sarah Grace...Sue Ann...Essie Jo....Jerri Kay.....(all names of family)...anyway....I had 5 sons....but...the name Sarah has always been close to my heart....today I said a very special prayer...for you and her....and that you receive a sign that only you and her have special meaning for.

I think many on this site has had a 'summer of discontent'...and our hearts need a balm...please know that we are holding you in the only way we can....with words to support you..with prayers to comfort you...let us know where it hurts anytime....we are just in mourning...we are not weak.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[westleysmom]

Dee-I saw where you asked if I was still around a day or so ago and wanted to say hi. I thought of you all during July and just never worked up to signing in. I am sure it was a hard one for you, as I suppose they all are. I have been very sad these past few months, it just seems to hang on and when I am with others, I feel okay. But when I am alone, I am just so alone. The happy is there on the surface when I'm around my daughter and her family. The sad goes all the way to the core and never goes away. How is your sweet new granddaughter? I hope she is doing well and Jon and Shannon too.

I see that it is SARAH's Birthday today. Thinking of you Shelly and sending you hugs.

There are new faces since I posted last and I am so sorry you find yourself here without your sweet babies. I have no words of advice, except that the understanding of others who really know what you are going through helps. It gets better until it gets worse, and its worse until it gets better. All we can do is hang on and try to get through the bad days and try to enjoy the good ones.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

When we go on a trip....we have our friend, Dennis to come and 'house and dog and cat sit' for us....this was on my desk in my office when I returned....

Jesus handles everything..

Instead of having a breakdown..have a break through..

God has you covered...always..

God will bless you with His peace..

All I want is for you to be in peace. At rest.

Under God's feathers..

Under His wings..

In the name of Jesus..

Gracious..

Precious..

Refreshing..

Peace.

This is what I am sending out to my 'friends' on this site....I know so many are hurting....and need Peace and Rest....

[ericasmom]

Susan, your words are beautifully put, thank you. I love that you had the names ready to name 5 girls after loved ones. I love the words that awaited you at home too. Sweet and comforting.

Laurie, I am sure that your sweet dog does feel your ache as you move through each day. Animals and little children are the barometers to our emotions.

Rhonda, how lovely to see you today, I think of you often and wonder how you are. I am sorry that that alone-ness is so deep, so complete, but I sure do get it. Thanks for thinking of me this July, it was such a strange feeling to be moving toward 10, I do think going to Kalamazoo the following week and tying two small ribbons on the fencing helped heal something in me. A tiny crack in me has some flowers growing where there was just dirt...my view of the place now has been filled in with the safe place it has become. I am thankful. I am wishing you well, wishing you some goodness and light.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

I'm glad to hear your dog pulled through. Like Laurie said, they become part of our family. Trista had two "babies", Tazzy (a pom) and Annabelle (a shichon). They were hers. She did everything with them. Now, I take care of them for her. It helps me some to do that for her. Tazzy comes to bed with me at night now but I still find him keeping watch outside her door. Waiting.

Susan,

Thank you for sharing those words with us today.

Shannon

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Lora...the truth is in your words....'who will I end up being'...I get the feeling I am missing something very important...I am 'in class' but can't understand the lesson....what is being taught....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

You said, "I get the feeling I am missing something very important...I am 'in class' but can't understand the lesson....what is being taught...."

This is so true. My mind goes in circles all day. I know the world is better for Trista having been here, For ALL of our Children having been here. That is little comfort when my mind comes back with...Yes, but how much better still it could have been if they could have stayed. These are the things that keep me up at night. The WHY???? I know it can't be answered. At least not here, not now. Maybe somewhere in eternity lies the answer. How terrible it is to be so consumed by a question that has no answer.

Lora,

So good to see your post. Thank you for your kind words about Trista's website. It's one thing I can do for her.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SARAH! Thinking of you today Shelly. I hope your day was filled with lovely and beautiful memories as you recalled your sweet girl. Thanks everyone for your words about my pet. I am happy to say that she has made yet another full recovery! I will say that even today I am still shaken... as it reminded me so very much of that night with Jeff when we performed CPR. The memories are still so vivid and painful. Gosh, I miss him so much. As we watched the tribute to Carol King last evening(which by the way was excellent) it brought tears to our eyes with a couple of her songs. Very talented woman who started writing music in her mid teens. Anyway, I realized that this is going to continue from now on. The small reminders that come out of the blue. I'll always miss him terribly. Yesterday I had the opportunity to take a lovely drive into the countryside along a historic drive with a friend. We ended up sitting outside at a beautiful restored old stone house that had been turned into a Tea House. After we left we decided to walk through the old churchyard and look at the headstones dating a few hundred years ago. There were so many children. As I looked at the stones I could not help but think of those women all those years ago going through just this very same thing as I am. My friend remarked that it must be hard to lose a child. I was taken back as she was oblivious to my loss. People can be funny in ways. We just have to learn to accept them for who they are. I agree with a comment that Colleen made earlier this week. Yes, we do need to find happiness again. However it certainly makes a difference if we have a strong support system around us. Many do not have that. Slowly in time peace is again found. But not without a ton of soul searching and trying to find a place within ourselves that we can be comfortable. I have changed so much since my son's death. Now with my husbands illness it has forced me into facing the hard cold reality of my own mortality. I can't believe how quickly my life has flown by. I intend to make this last inning a good one. Thinking of everyone this weekend and hoping you will find some pleasure in whatever comes your way. Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[clarabell]

I am really overwhelmed by all that I am reading I just signed on this evening. My son's name is also Jesse and it will be two months on Thursday. I can't pull one coherent thought from my brain.I really need to sleep but I just seem to catnap or worse I relive his death over and over in my dreams.It is nice to find a nice place to fall.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Clarabell,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son, Jesse. I just lost my daughter, Trista two and a half months ago, on June 1st. I'm so terribly sorry that you have to be here but glad that you found this "place". Everyone here understands your pain. I found this place just three weeks after Trista's accident and have received so much love and support here. I know how you feel, unable to sleep, reliving the nightmare. This is such a hard journey but you've found a place full of people who understand and are willing to hold your hand. Please keep coming back here and share with us. Tell us more about your Jesse when you're ready.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I found one of the books you suggested for Aiden, The Next Place. It's beautiful. I loved it even for myself. I wasn't sure what Aiden would think since it's more like a poem but he loved it too. He brought it to me twice today and asked me to read it. I got choked up quite a few times trying to read it aloud but it is such a beautiful book. Aiden loved the illustrations. Zak came into the room as I was reading and sat down and listened too. Thank you for suggesting it.

Shannon