Loss of an Adult Child

[JD's Mom, Becky]

arggghh!! The vinyl billboard I put up is peeling paint already!! Wrote to the company, and they will send me some smaller signs with no fold in them, and re-ordered the 4' X 4' ones in aluminum. Gave me the opportunity to improve the image! More work!! I have seen people slow down at the current sign, so hopefully it's getting their attention.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Sholl1955]

Just stopping by to let you all know I am thinking of you. Lora, I too go to work and function and no one knows how painful each and every day is without Sarah. We do what we have to do. We are on the same timeline and I agree that going into the second year is just as painful as the first, just in different ways. I hope that your Cara, and my Sarah have met and that they know how very much we love and miss them. Outside of one friend, everyone else, family and friends feel I should be "over this" Never will be over it, yes, will go forward, but tonight I just don't feel like I can even do that. I never quite understood what people were talking about when they referred to being lonely even in a crowd. Oh, I get it now. The world goes on, People move on, and yet time stands still in many ways when you lose a child. Sandy

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

So so tired. I think how can I do this? The rest of my life seems so long when I'm already so tired. In only 36 years I've buried my Husband and now my precious Daughter. Susan, thank you for visiting my Girl's site. That really means so much. I miss my sweet Trista with every cell in my body. I wish everyone a peaceful sleep.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Sarah and Trista's Mom,

Yes, in some ways the second year is more difficult than the first. I would also like to applaud you two and any other mother that has gone back to work after the death of a child.

I am talking with a neighbor who lost her 22 year old son. She quit her job and now stays home and thinks all day. Her only remaining child is leaving for college in 2 weeks and her husband works in Kentucky (we live in Wisconsin).

Forcing yourself to think of something else other than the death of your child is what saved me.

Two micro-steps forward and 1.5 micro-steps back. That is this journey.

It has been 5 years since I saw my Brian's face, heard him laugh, or even talked with him. This is also the first year that his angelversary (June-19) was a celebration of his life and not a crying-fest because of his death.

My family will NEVER be over this. But we can learn to live, because Brian lived.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Colleen, so good to see Brian's bright smile here today. How has the summer treated you? What are the kids up to?

Shannon, you are young and it must seem that the long stretch of hours, days, months, years in front of you are too hard to fathom. I was 47 when Erica was killed ten years ago. I did not have younger children to watch over in my grief, but my Son who was nearly 22 when Eri died. I worried about him, his sadness, but I was not responsible for his days. I think that caring for young ones in your grief has got to add to the exhaustion of grief and it is put on a schedule in some ways so that you can care for your Kids. It is like two very opposite full-time jobs, grieving and caretaking. I am holding your hand and your heart.

Sherry, you did it, scooping ice-cream, playing outdoors, making meals for Kids, all of it a delight for both the adults and the kids. I know who is more tired though, of course. The crickets are sounding all day and night, and the light has shifted, it is August for sure when these changes occur around here. I will miss the freedom to wander through the long but never long enough days of summer, but industrious I must be...very soon.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sandy, "lonely in a crowd", yes.

I saw this picture online. It says a lot and I think most of us have experienced most of these thoughts and feelings at one point or another.

[ericasmom]

Fabulous message Shannon, and all of it so true. Remember even if it is a half step forward and five backwards, you are still moving forward in the long run. We all move at different rates and our own rates change over time.

Becky, I am sorry about the paint on your sign. WHat a drag but I am glad that you are already on top of it with the company. Good luck.

[Janineerrn]

Thank you all for the welcome. I am so sorry for all of your losses. I know the pain.

I am so tired. Its been just over 6 weeks since my Michelle died. My granddaughter is making progress with feeling safe but still does not sleep. Over 6 weeks without a full night sleep. Custody hearing on Monday. I am a mess. I have to work more, we are so broke. I swear when I get back to working fulltime and things have settled I am going to start a fund for people in my situation.

I miss my Michelle....... my granddaughter needs her mother... I would have traded places with my daughter without hesitation. I do not like my new life, I have to learn to live with it.

[ericasmom]

Janine, I know you must be exhausted, the shock and the worry in addition to the toll grief takes causes an overload and we bend under it all. Please make sure you take some vitamins to keep yourself in check, drink lots of water to replenish your system, the shock, the grief, the tears, the worry deplete our reserves, eat a bit when you can and make sure you are taking in some protein.

I love the idea of a fund to help those in similar situations. I do have a fund in my Daughter's name at the school where I teach. It was started 9 years ago to support kids from Lincoln School because that is where my Son and Daughter attended when they were young, (i did not teach there at that time). I am wishing good energy surround you on Monday at the custody hearing. I hope you feel Michelle nearby.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I really feel that there was a knowing surrounding Trista's leaving as others have talked about. Recently I was looking through Trista's sketchbook. She had sketches of aliens, lipstick, ballerina's, etc. Her last two sketches were different. There was a butterfly, which is an obvious symbol of transformation. It was the only sketch that she had colored with watercolors. Everything else was black and white. The next was symbol. It was one I felt I should recognize but didn't at first. The sketches stuck in my mind because I have read some things by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I put the book away but kept the symbol in the back of my mind. Yesterday I was reading a book and there was the symbol. I ran to get her sketchpad to be sure. It is the Ohm symbol. The symbol representing the Universe, the past, present, and future, The symbol that represents everything and can't be described by words. Her Ohm symbol is inside of a circle which represents continuity. At the top and bottom of the circle are lotus flowers. The lotus flower represents awakening, spiritual growth, and enlightenment. I don't know what if anything her sketches mean. I just had to talk about this and this is the only place I knew I could. If nothing else, I have some beautiful artwork from my Angel, Trista to hold onto.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Janine,

I'm glad your Granddaughter is doing better. I also love the idea of the fund. I hope everything works out on Monday for you and your Granddaughter. I'm holding you both in my thoughts.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Wow Laurie, thanks for posting that young lady's journal entry. You and I have talked here about knowing, about our Child knowing. I knew, a year before Eri died, I told husband and a friend that I felt that Erica was not going to live long. Months before Eri died, I had three bad nightmares, and a fourth the following month, all of them about something about to get Eri, the last dream was my giving her eulogy. About 3 weeks before Erz died, I told both sisters that I had a strong feeling for ayear and it was getting stronger, that ERi was not long for the world. They both were horrified but I needed to tell them. So there was something surrounding Eri that kept me alert to this worry, kept me agitated.

Shannon, I love that Trista left that art for you, the fact that she left her symmetric needs behind to create this tells me she was synthesizing this image, this eternal message.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

There were many things with Trista as well. It's something that can't be put into words. I, like you, also internalized it and thought it was me. I was sure for awhile that I was going to die soon. It was just something I felt. You're right, there are not adequate words on earth for these "feelings". That makes it so hard to talk about. I felt it the day she left. Just for a brief moment. At that moment we made eye contact. The best way I can describe it is that time stopped. It just felt like time completely stood still and I had that uneasy feeling. Then it was over. Everything seemed normal again. I pushed it out of my head. Less than an hour later I got the call. Thank you for sharing more of Jesse's story. Iknow there is so much more to all of this that probably can not be known here and now but like you, I keep reading and searching in hope of understanding.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I think we were posting at the same time. To know these things have been felt by others helps me to know this is real even if it can't be explained. Thank you for sharing that.

Shannon

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, ( our name here before grieving.com) I wanted to stop in today and say hello to all that gather here , day and night. I stop in on occasion but have had some connection issues so I can't read everything and respond. I am sorry for the missed angelversaries and birthdays but know that our children, all that come here, are always in my thoughts .

For those that don't know us, my son Rich died on January 18,2009 from cardiac dysrytmhia , very suddenly while sleeping and devastating to me, his sister and father and many others. Rich was 20 years young.

I can say that life does get softer, hard edges not so hurting. One day you will smile and laugh again though in a different way. At least that is the case with me. you will find yourself questioning the very earth you walk on, your faith, friends, family...yourself. I find that I still don't know this person I have become. different, a bit of a stranger to myself and probably others that knew me when Rich lived on earth.

The message here and everywhere..remember that you are not alone.

take care

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

thanks to all that have posted 'their thoughts and experiences' of the 'knowing'.....I, too, had that ....but was never sure enough to understand or think it was real...more later....I do not feel alone with this...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie and Dee,

You both talk of the worry and agitation. Yes. I always worried for Tris, watched over her carefully. I knew how very sensitive she was so was always alert to her feelings in any situation. In the weeks, months leading up to her leaving though it was ever more intense. A hyper-alertness. There was just that feeling that something was happening, shifting. I can remember on numerous occasions sitting with a book upstairs just to have that feeling overwhelm so strongly that I would have to jump up and run to her room to check on her.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

I have so much more detail to tell you if you want to hear it about the year prior to Eri's leaving. Right now though I am going to head to the yard and fill my spirit with the dappled sunlight and breeze.

Yes, somehow the aura surrounding my Daughter and many of your Children was made known to us, the shortness of lives...

Betsy, so good to see you today, it has been a while and I am always glad when you let us know how you are. Peace to you my old friend.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I agree. It is such a difficult aspect of this. To hear about Jesse, and Eri, to know that Susan, you have felt this too, it makes me know the reality of this and I'm so glad again that we have this place to share... to come here and know we are not alone.

Dee,

I would also like to hear more of the experiences you had surrounding Eri's leaving.

Betsy,

Thank you for sharing about your son, Rich, and your experience with the healing and grieving process.

I agree with Laurie, it is an honor to learn more about everyone's children.

Shannon

[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Betsy....thanks for sharing....many on this site are a little farther down the path...the grief path....and each of you pave the way...turning around and waving us on....when we fall face down...reaching down to help us up....

[Mermaid Tears]

I have been collecting my memories....also...'creating' some furniture for my GRANDson, Austin.....for his apartment in Austin...handpainting some things for him....when my hands are busy...my mind opens up....will write more later....so many levels of 'tying the pieces' of a foggy puzzle...remembering...and I have the home alone....I have needed this time to myself ever since returning from Port Aransas....have had circles of people around me ever since...will share later....the revelations from each of you has given me the courage to 'look back' and believe in what I felt and knew on a certain 'Mama level'....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[daveydow1]

Betsy---Good to see Rich's nice smile, and your post. Yes---I agree, that

the sharp edges do get softer in time. But, I also agree with your thought

that "I don't know the person I've become". Losing a child changes us

forever. I often look in the mirror, and wonder what I'm all about anymore.

It is difficult, for sure, but as you say.....our dear kids would want us to

go on living. They will never be forgotten.

Shannon----

Sorry that you are so tired and sad. You've had so much

sorrow in your life, and missing and grieving your sweet Trista is so

devastating now. Please know that all of us at BI are here, and

sending prayers. Peace.

Dee-----Oh,.....I, too, am so aware of the waning days of summer. There is

a certain unique sadness about summer leaving us for another year. The

crickets in both the day and night. Trees turning their vibrant summer

green to a slight tinge with yellow, cool nights. Even the animals

seem to know. Today, I was coming home from town, and our neighbors

herd of black & white calves were all huddled under a large shade tree

in their pasture. Not much moving other than their tails switching at

flies. Soon it will be time for the harvesting, before we know it. It took

me 2 days to rest up after the grandies, but it was so nice. This week,

they are spending another week with their other grandparents out of

state, before they must return to school......Aug. 26. Seems like it starts

sooner every year.

Lora-----Thanks for your kind words. How are your kitties doing? My

husband's allergist thinks that he's only allergic to dust, after being

tested. So, Misty gets a reprieve. Hope your kitties are doing good.

Becky-----

Sorry to hear that you had to replace the signs. Glad that

some people are noticing, and slowing down. You've worked tirelessly

to bring justice to dear J.D.

Kate------Carol------Thinking of you.

Laurie-----

I, too, know what you mean about an uncomfortable feeling,

and the elusive thoughts. You put it so well, when you said...."something

beyond our realm...something undefined." Thanks for your post.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Today has been hard. For one, it's Saturday and this is the feel of all my Saturdays now. This morning my husband and I went to the farmer's market to get fresh flowers for Trista's Angel Spot and for her site. As we were paying the man asked if we were having an event to need such a lot of flowers. I froze. The tears came. I couldn't speak because I knew I would loose it. My husband came to the rescue and told the man we just like flowers and ushered me to the car. I cried all the way and felt even worse because I couldn't answer the man and felt that in some way I had denied my Trista. I haven't left the house much since the accident and I just wasn't prepared.

Lora, Laurie, the two worlds...seems to be so universal for us who are on this journey.

Laurie,

"these quiet supernatural happenings are perceived by our souls...but as I read much on death and dying I have learned these revelations are more real than what is perceived to be the "world"...it prepares us..."

This is how I'm beginning to think of it. Not a warning, a preparing. I know, for me, it did start me on a path of looking for answers before I even knew the question.

Susan,

I'm glad you have the time alone you have been needing. I find, too, that when I finally have that time and as you said, my hands are busy... for me it's gardening or even walking, my mind opens up.

Dee,

I hope your time outdoors today did fill your spirit.

Lora,

I'm glad to hear that Jared made it safely. I'm sorry to hear that it was a rough day for you today. I agree that being able to just let the tears come does help.

Shannon

[Jeff's Mom]

Sending prayers and good wishes to everyone along this difficult journey. Wishing everyone peace. Love, Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

oh Shannon...we are so with you...I only wish I and others...could bring down a stardust of comfort to you and others....all we can do...is simply be with you....sweet Baby Girl...of your sweet Baby Girl...Lora...am with you.....of course....Laurie....with you, too....we are holding on....holding on....it hurts so much....so much....please...be sure....they want you to be held in the comfort that they are ok....

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, it has been a quiet day, I needed a very quiet day, two walks, one nice and long. There were blue skies and sweet breezes. Now getting ready for bed, I hear fireworks being launched but further away...end of summer parties and celebrations I suppose.

So that sense of knowing that our Children were not here for long started to become quite a presence in my life about 14 months before Eri died. I had been having funny feelings, like fleeting thoughts that ran across my brain that would let me know it was about Eri, that it was sad. Then it became more definitive though I do not remember how it did this, it was still the fleeting vision/thoughts that would leave me with the sense that Erica was not going to live long. About a year prior to Eri dying, I voiced my worry to my dear friend Kaye, (lives next door) and then to my husband. Each of them were rather taken aback with my words, Husband knowing me the ways he does told me I was just worried because she had just moved to Kalamazoo, Michigan to live with my Son and some friends. I assured him that it really was not having to do with that. My friend, Kaye, said she thought I was just more protective, and again, I said that that was not it. The sense of things got much more intense after I voiced it, and for a while I wondered if voicing it set it loose somehow. hard to explain that thought.

Anyhow, things went along, Erica loved her life in Kalamazoo, she was mostly working part time anyhow, and taking a few community college courses. She was finding her way. So those thoughts came and went with some regularity and I came to know I would get them and deal as best I could with them. So in April of 2003, I had three different dreams/nightmares in which I knew something was going to get Eri, it kept almost getting her but I never could see what it was. Each time I woke crying my eyes out, tears and worry and heart racing. In May, I had a horrid dream that I was giving Erica's eulogy at the church, and in the pews were so many loving friends. In that dream I said, " I did not have my Girl to bury her...how can I bury her?"

I woke screaming from that one, scared my husband and myself. HE thought I was just worried cause Eri was living away, I yelled at him that it was more than that.

So in June, my sister Mare and me flew out to Southern Georgia where our sister Eileen was living at the time. We were going to have a sister vacation. Eileen had a pool in her yard and one morning I was swimming and I stopped and looked at Eileen and Mare and told them my worry and told them that it was a thought that was becoming more prevalent.

Later that day we went to Jeckyll Island to tour the grounds of a grand old estate and while touring, we saw several cars pull up to a huge live oak and place flowers and whistles at the base. Many kids were crying as they did so. I realized someone died there and began to inquire. Apparently several young ones hit that tree at a great speed and died the night before. So the rest of the day I was just sick to my stomach with the ache that I imagined the families in. I looked up the accident when we got back to my sister's home. I read every single thing, and I wept. Somehow I felt that I would know that same feeling of loss and two weeks later, I did.

[Guest]

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[Guest]

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Not having much luck in locating a property owner willing to let us put up the 2nd of the slow down signs on the other end of our road. Spoke with two owners yesterday that turned me down.... very disappointing. This sign will not bring back my child to me, but we made them in hopes that people would recognize that there are many houses, and children, and elderly in this neighborhood, and SLOW DOWN!

I just don't get people anymore. The first property I had gone in person were an elderly couple that owned the land, and explained what I was trying to do, and they promised to think about it, and get back to me. I finally talked to him yesterday, and he first told me I could put it up, and then when he asked how big it was, changed his mind, as he had now decided to try to sell that corner wooded lot that had been in his family for the past 30 years with no improvements on it at all, and my sign might detract from the FOR SALE sign he would get a realtor to put up!!

I got off the phone and went to a property across the street from that first request, but not on the corner, the next lot to it. As I pulled up to that house, there was a man in the driveway, that turned out to just be visiting, and as I introduced myself and explained my reason for being there, it turned out that he had lost a 16 year old son ten years ago. I asked him if that amount of time had lessened his pain, and he said somewhat, but there were always things that would come up to trigger those memories. We both exchanged "I am so sorry you are having to walk this path", and when the actual homeowner came out, with a young baby in her arms, the man explained to her why I was there, and she looked at the corner of her 2 acre rural plot and said "I am sorry for your loss, but I don't want anything like that on my property". I told her, "ma'am, with all due respect, this sign will not bring my child back to me, but we do this to try to prevent another family from experiencing the loss that we are enduring, but if you should change your mind, you know where I live." I could see the disappointment in the man's eyes for me. Maybe he will continue to plead my case to her and she will change her mind.

I came home and cried. I then began googling to try to find the other homeowner that owned the property on the opposite side of the first one I had inquired about. I wrote that person, not sure it is even the same one, and again plead my case. Probably won't hear back from that until the first of the week.

What the hell is wrong with people?? Between these experiences, and the fact that we know there is also a neighbor who actually saw the crash that took my son's life, and although she told us what she saw, she is reluctant to come forward to authorities, and is falling back on that "I don't want to be involved" crap!! There is no way in hell I could witness someone's child getting killed and having information that would show who was at fault and not speak of it to whomever was necessary!! At least we now know the truth, and we did present this scenario to the investigators, but don't know yet what they were able to do with this information if anything. Statute of limitations will be up on October 3rd.

This is what has kept my heart in turmoil for the last months, and caused me to have many sleepless nights. I just can't understand, in a world that we know from our volunteer work with youth, has so many families that don't spend the time with their kids that they should, and parents that are more interested in partying and such, while we, who devoted all our time and energies into helping other people's kids involved in the youth sports programs, and don't drink, don't party, but are homebodies that simply try to raise our kids to be respectful and to try to direct them in paths to be successful, why, please tell me, why my child was taken?? What did I ever do to deserve this hell? What did he ever do to deserve having his life snatched from him in such a horrific way and then nothing done about it??

I know that life is unfair, and **** just happens, but I don't think I will ever live long enough to understand this. I have tried to imagine him in heaven, and in a far more beautiful circumstance than anything in this world could ever offer, but I still come back to these questions. If it was his time to go, then why did he have to be killed in such a way? Why was he struck at 50+ miles per hour, his neck broken, his skull fractured completely in half forming a "hinge", bleeding to death before EMS could arrive, having to undergo an autopsy where everything in his body was removed and weighed and measured?? Tested for impairment and being found perfectly clean and sober, and yet there exists no law to demand testing of a driver who has caused a fatality, even if there exists an open container of alcohol and/or bottles of prescription meds ????

PLEASE don't quote any part of this if you wish to respond, as I may have to come back and delete anything to do with the ongoing (for now) investigation.

[mysonrich]

Becky, I have no answer's but I am sorry for the sorrow that you have endured in the hope for change.

Thanks everyone, it's always nice to sit and chat , to share, know someone is listening and understands.

Yesterday Sarah, my daughter and Rich's sister, texted me ( not my fav but it is communication) and told me she had just been in a auto accident. She is ok but I did advise her to mind any aches and pains today and tomorrow. The folks in the other car were ok and the car that probably caused the chain reaction had left the scene. I looked up and said thanks to Rich because she drives his car and somehow I know he watches over her. All of us.

Sherry, yes. we continue on in a different light and of course, the shadows that linger, sometimes pushing out the light for a time, we force the shadow back in memory of the smiles and love that we hold so close. and I don't think our children are so far away either.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

I'm so sorry for all the struggles you are having surrounding placement of you sign. I am praying that some good neighbor steps forward to help you in your effort to make you neighborhood safer. I will continue to pray for positive resolution for you in the legal struggles as well. This is so hard.

Lori and Sherry,

Thank you for your kind words... reminding me I'm not alone and this is all part of this journey.

Susan,

Last night was one of those nights that sleep was elusive... just starting to doze I would be jolted awake with those images. I got on my phone to read and decided to come here instead. Your post was there and your words really helped. Thank you.

Dee,

Thank you for sharing your story. It is so helpful to know this is very real and even if understanding is just out of my grasp I know we did experience this. I don't think I will ever stop trying to understand, though.

I slept until 11 a.m.. I never do that. I guess my body decided I needed rest. I sat on the deck with my coffee after I woke up and it was so peaceful. Lots of activity out there, butterflies and dragonflies, quite a few visits from my little hummingbird friend, but so peaceful. These are the times I feel my Tris around me the strongest.

Love to all and wishes for a peaceful day.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Becky, no telling why folks are so hesitant to help or bear witness or to host the sign on their land...but one thing sure, your meeting with the man who lost his son was a way that your two Boys brought a connection to their parents. You were meant to meet this man, perhaps something wonderful will come from this.

Lora, I am glad to know that your Boy arrived in Chicago. He is sure to find his way around within the next few weeks. So much to see and do. I know that his leaving may cause you to feel some pangs of missing, it is so good of you to encourage your Son to follow his dreams. Cara is rooting for you all.

Shannon, in my story last night, I forgot to say that the kids left whistles as the kids killed were life guards at the local pool. They were 18 and 19. I felt as though I was a part of their sad story that day and the days that followed, so hard to shake that sense of the familiar.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

About a year before Trista's accident, I was folding laundry and I flipped the television on to watch while I did this. There on the screen was a story of a college student who passed in a tragic accident the night before. Her picture was up on the screen and I suddenly had tears in my eyes. I just stood feeling so sad for this Girl, her family. Whenever I would hear stories of Children gone too soon, of course it would make me so sad, but this was different. It was less a feeling of sympathy and more one of empathy. For a moment it was like I could feel their pain. An image of Trista flashed in my head and I shook it out right away. No, not my Girl. It can't... won't happen to her. I'm just relating because of the age, because we are planning for college and I'm scared for her to go away. Then as the story progressed I realized that even though this Girl was away and the accident was near her college, she was from my hometown. I stopped what I was doing and prayed for her, her parents, her family. This same family, even though I'd never met them sent me a card recently with their cell phone numbers, letting me know they are available if I ever need or want to talk, as they understand the pain. I think I do understand that feeling, that connection you felt to those college students that day. Thank you so much again for sharing.

Shannon

[tobyfreefoot]

becky i am so sorry these people are so uncaring, unhelpful and cold hearted. i can't imagine.

i also wonder why my wonderful son was taken when i see so many terrible people in this world and being a mother is all i ever wanted to be. i've devoted my entire life to raising my kids and they are the nicest most caring kids around. forest made such a difference in so many peoples lives and had so much ahead of him. i feel like he and your jared were so capable to make such a positive impact on the world so why did this happen? all the kids represented here seem to be such great kids. my middle son told me it is not just us, it happens to crummy families too. i guess so but i feel so persecuted and alone sometimes.

i am also so sorry that an autopsy was required for your son. not knowing if forest had one has bothered me for a long time. i finally noticed on the death certificate that one was not performed. my heart goes out to you. i can only imagine how much that hurts to think about.

the first bill i got for forest's student loan i contacted them and sent a death certificate. i never got another bill. recently i received a call for a member of forest's family. they were asking me all these questions. they said needed a death certificate because the dept. of ed. had never received one. however thewy did know he was deceased and died in vega. i said i wasn't sending another one but she said she would take care of it for me. after i hung up i wondered how they knew when and where he died. i called back and got a different woman who tried to tell me someone had read the obituary. the more i questioned her she finally admitted they were a collection agency that used a research co. she was busy using this perky happy little voice that totally rubbed me wrong as she argued with me about whether i had sent the certificate. i finally hung up on her. so upset i felt like sending pictures of the car to see if that was proof enough. sorry for the rant but the incompetence i have had to deal with over this whole thing has made the whole ordeal even worse.

i'm sorry you have had so much trouble on top of the terrible pain you are enduring. the details of jared's accident made me know i am not alone in the horrendousness of this experience. forest's face below his eyes was torn off, his girlfriend was splattered all over the driver side window. sorry for the gory details but i don't know where else i can tell those things that hurt so badly to think about. i'm sorry becky. i'm sorry for all of us.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

I have a lot to share...I am at the place where I can talk about the 'Blessing and Scattering' of his ashes....first I would like to say I think it would be very wise to think long and hard what you would like to do on the first Angelversary....in January, my daughter and I thought this would be the perfect 'idea'.....the closer to the date....I came down with the sickness of DREAD....worse than any flu....for there is no cure...and two days before we left for Port Aransas...my daughter said...'maybe this should have been just for family'....too late to change plans....and so many of his friends and our friends..friends of my other sons and daughter...I had charted the boat..etc.

On the way down...I felt so uncomfortable...like you feel when your clothes don't fit...then I realized....I have a pilot light of anger..a pilot light of WHY...and a pilot light of WHY NOT THEM ? A pilot light can ignite a big flame....and my Grama told me that anger is a good emotion when used right...but if anger flares and keeps burning...you become a burned out, brittle, bitter person. A bitter person is really an angry person.

My anger was flaring high...angry, angry, angry....I was angry for my whole world...what my world had become...and I just didn't have enough tools to dig my way out. My 'WHY' was flaring...regrets for I should have insisted he get his heart checked out like the Rock Star Heart Surgeon said after his real Dad had his heart surgery 3 years ago..and said all his children should get checked out for the problem was genetic...and all the 'shoulda...coulda...woulda' comes to the top. My 'WHY NOT THEM' was flaring....why not the man that abuses children...the man that walks away from his family...the man that kills innocents...not my boy...why not take THEM ??

So...I had to 'talk myself down from the edge' and get myself lined up....the trip was just long enough to get myself calmed on the inside.

I did ask...beg...plead....for a sign. I talk to John David like he was right beside me...'Now John David..you know your little Mama needs a sign from you...for you know how my heart is hurting and I don't really want to do this...but this is what you wanted.

Years and years ago...I can't even remember when I started saying it but it was many...I told everyone I wanted to be cremated and when they put my ashes in the ocean...I want them to play 'Hotel California'.....

John David remarked that he wanted to be cremated and be part of the sea and wind.

Daniel and Jeremy rode in the front...we were in our truck...with the back full....and we finally got to the ferry.....we were waiting for it to get started across the bay when Jeremy said...'I just heard a laugh and it sounded just like J.D.'....I looked around and no one was out of their cars and no ferry workers around.

Thank You, John David.

The other mistake I made was ....I did not take into account how I need some 'alone' time....many were staying at the big beach house with us...and the cottages were next door I had rented....so....pretty much 24/7 people..people...people.

The one blessed bright spot....I had my new little man there...and I was getting to introduce him to his first visit at Port Aransas...Thank You, Jesus.

My parents built a beach cabin in Matagorda in 1950....I have been a beach baby since then....you are taught at an early age how to dig up sand dollars...so I have taught my kids...all my grandkids...how to fish..how to crab....

First trip to the beach and Heather...my beautiful..inside and outside daughter-in-law....walked out in the surf....to the first sand dune....and started digging...and scooped up a star fish....

All my years...at so many beaches...never...ever...found a star fish.... my sister even exclaimed that in all the years we have been at the beach...none of us ever found a live one....

Thank you, John David...

I was so very moved by the emotions of his friends that were there at the boat...so many I haven't seen since his high school days...later...I will relate their stories...

We had his music playing....the day was beautiful....I wanted a landmark....I wanted to be able to have a place I could mark the spot where we 'let him go'......so I picked the Lydia Ann Lighthouse...

Austin and I conducted the ceremony....I knew he was the only one I could count on...my years on stage and in plays prepared me to learn to 'move aside and carry on'....Austin is so much like me...in many theatrical plays....and we did....I will copy the Hebrew prayer...and I read the 'Death is Nothing at All'....like I did at my Mother's funeral....and then as his ashes were placed in the water...Austin read the poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay.....love the line....'and the long year remembers you'....

Just as smooth and sweet as he was in life...

Afterwards we gathered at the big beach house and had a very informal wonderful get together....one of our friends volunteered to stay there and start the grilling for us...it was amazing...I had made two huge collages and had other pictures of all us at Port 'A'...with him....and his friends...very close and up lifting.

All turned out well.....it has taken a number of days for me to get back on track....but....I think that is normal...but what the hell...I am never going to be 'normal' again.

Everyone had as good a time as we could....and really...what meant so much to me was the number of people that did show up to love us through this and support us.

If any of you ever want to go to a great beach town...the water is clear...(don't go to Galveston)....great restaurants...many places have great music...something for everyone....please give Port Aransas a try....you will not be disappointed. And who knows...maybe John David will whisper by you in the wind....or splash up from the surf....or offer up another star fish.

[Mermaid Tears]

Oh Becky...our Warrior Mom....I can give no rhyme or reason to the 'why people act like weenie heads'.....they have to be pretty spineless...and of course, they don't walk in your shoes...do they ?? And I have to address this issue.....aren't there 'laws on the books' that say if you witness an accident that results in someone being killed they can be subpoenaed to give evidence to what they saw...and doesn't that be a part of the pre-trial ..? I am just saying that my friends on this site that have these issues need to make law enforcement officials aware that there were 'witnesses or a witness' to the fact....for every stone needs to be turned over.

Becky....nothing you ever post here would ever or could ever hurt you or your case.....we are just here to hear you...and circle the wagons for you....and support you and yours and your great spirit in your quest to right a wrong. I, too, have a great questioning in the 'WHY NOT THEM' instead of my boy...I call it the 'unanswered questions but answered prayers' part of my life.

Laurie....you are facing the same issues....I don't know about Shannon....unless I have missed some posts....all I know is that it is an uphill quest....for all that ya'll have said....and that should not be. It is what it is and do what you can...and know we are here to support whatever it is you are having to shoulder.

[Mermaid Tears]

I will share my 'knowing' experiences later....thank you, Dee...and all the others that bring this forward in our postings....it lets a lot of light in....

Gretchen....know that you can post anything that is on your heart...between all of us....I don't think any of us would back off or cringe what a Mama wants or needs to say..or let be known...of their child or what the experience means or has impacted their lives...we are a very 'bare to the world' group here....I think....this may be the only place in the 'whole wide world' I can come and find a place where I am understood in a way...that to others...I speak a foreign language...this is our 'safe place'.....and we don't have to explain not 'one damn word'.....or our heart....

[ericasmom]

Just got back from husband's uncle's birthday dinner so I will write more later but I so agree with Susan, Gretchen, your post does express your feelings at the time, being graphic is a freedom we simply don't have in the other world outside of our group here, or not very much so anyway. Let it out. Susan, so glad to hear the parts of the trip that you were able to convey. What a huge event you prepared and the ups and downs with it all. The ups though, all that love and devotion for John David, and his wonderful communications with you all.

I will post more later if I am able.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Betsy, sending out prayers for Sarah that she would have a speedy recovery...please let us know how she does over the next few days...

Susan, it sounds like the memorial was beautiful, even if there were some rough spots....that John David's beautiful soul was remembered that special day...

Your sign from John David, yes, may it help give you strength...and the knowing he is near...our children wait for us...in a place without time, covered by His love...

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Gretchen, it is sometimes necessary I think to visit the "horror" of the death...to process it in small pieces....

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thank you Gretchen, Laurie, Betsy, Dee, Susan & Shannon, for all of your support. I don't know where I would be without this forum, as I do feel the freedom to discuss anything with any of you.

Laurie, I remember you talking about the unwilling witness to your son's death. I just can't understand that kind of thinking or selfishness. I couldn't treat a stranger that way, much less a neighbor or a friend.

Gretchen, I cried for you when I read your post. I am so sorry. Jared's face was pretty much in tact, but people at the funeral had no idea the damage unseen, or about the autopsy. I could feel where they had stitched him back together through his clothing the day before the funeral, when I went to fix his hair. Jared's hair was very curly, and once washed, the undertaker had no idea what to do with it. I talked to Jared, telling him I would do it as he would have, as I put in the leave in conditioner that he used, and gently combed it through his hair, and then the undertaker lifted his head so I could put on one of his hairbands that held his hair away from his face. You could see how dark they had made the makeup on his face to try to hide the bruising on his cheek, and they did a wonderful job hiding the skin missing from his nose. We knew, but I don't think anyone else even noticed. People just know you have lost your child, and they have no idea all the circumstances we have to deal with. Things that may never completely leave our minds.

Susan, I applaud you for being strong and holding it together for all your family and for John David's friends at your gathering. It sounded like a wonderful day. I am glad you felt his presence giving you the strength you needed to get through.

I had a visit today from the mom of one of Jared's best friends, who just recently gave birth to a new baby boy. She has asked my husband and I to be the baby's Godparents. We accepted. I also have agreed to babysit him when she gets ready to go back to work. My husband looked shocked, and I said to him, it will give me a reason to get up in the morning, and I need that. I will post the pic my husband took of me holding him... such a cutie!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

one look....and I knew....yes....you should be there for that new one...you have so much life..so much love..so much vital that is for real....you will breathe life into that little one...oh yes....you should be there...with that little one...just wish I could help you out...

[Mermaid Tears]

hey ...that last post...was for you BECKY....love what you are doing with that little angel....of course....