Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, .........JESSE DAVID.

SMILE AND SHINE DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY TO WARM THEIR HEARTS, and bring

sweet memories.

Sandy--------I agree with you......this site is where we can always come to.....day

or night....anytime, and know that the others here really do understand our

pain & sorrow like no other people who may surround us in our day-in-day-out

life. Others, who have not lost children, can somehow expect us to "bounce back"

after some specific set time that they may have in their minds. We all know that

this is not possible, and that others cannot set a timeline for us to follow to

progression and be "back to normal", or to "get over it". They just cannot

understand if they have never been on this lousy road we're on. We must go at

our own pace, for we will have steps forward, and of course.....the steps back that

we experience. We have to gain our strength bits at a time, wherever we can find

it. Our memories of our sweet children can lend strength, though it may sound

strange to some to say that. We are still here on this earth, while our darlings are just

on the other side of the thin veil that separates us. Our thoughts and memories

of them are all our own, and they are worth untold amounts of gold.......just as

our dear children are to us. Peace to you.

Dee----Thanks for your words. Cooler weather here..but pleasant. Next week

we will have the grandies for a couple days. They like to run and play outside,

and help in the garden....(until they get tired ). I'll have to make a trip to the

store and stock up on ice cream and cookies. Rebecca doesn't keep too many

goodies on hand at home, so when they come here.....it's a real treat for them,

and their mom approves, and doesn't restrict us from giving the treats to them.

We have them eat good food first though......they love veggies.

PEACE AND GOOD REST TONIGHT , FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

My heart hurts so much. Someone told me today how strong I am and it made me want to scream. Everything anyone says and does makes me want to scream at them or cry today. Instead I went to my room, lit a candle, and came here. I told someone today that I am ok but I'm not ok. My daughter is not here with me where she is supposed to be and that's not ok. I leave the light on in her room every night but she's still not here. I'm sorry for pouring this all out tonight. I'm just so sad. I feel really alone but at the same time can't handle being around anyone. Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Shannon said: I feel really alone but at the same time can't handle being around anyone.

Shannon, this is what I felt for a while after Eri died, you have hit that two month mark, some layer of shock may be falling away, time markers have a way of slapping us in the face and making us gasp, how could anyone live without their child for two months? And yet we do, we have to, we have to. Yep, when someone sees you they tell you you are strong, and you know what? You are, as I have said many times to those who are new, we are strong, anyone that gets up and deals with the next day after a Child dies, is strong, and day after day and dealing with husband and children who need you or expect you to still take care of them...STRONG indeed, but crushed. WE sometimes think that since we are sad, since we are crying, that we are not strong...not true. Your heart is crushed and you would like probably to be left alone, to not have to tend to anyone or anything for a while.

For me, I felt on overload, sometimes conversation with loved ones felt like an intrusion, or like it was causing my fragile nervous system to feel like it might blow a fuse. Over stimulated. And so feeling really alone but at the same time not wanting to be around others is a feeling many of us had those first 6 months or so after we lost our Child.I so wish I could make it so nobody has to go through all the dips in the road as they grieve, but of course those dips are part of the process.

I wish you some sort of deep sleep tonight that allows you to feel nourished and renewed some. Remember that being sad and beyond is a state of being right now, it has to be allowed in order to move forward in grief. It may not feel like moving forward, but it is.

Laurie, I love that you reach out as you do and post the candle for Trista. Lovely.

Sherry, it should be great having the grandies over, tiring but great. I am sure that they look forward to the visit with their Grandparents. Good that they love veggies and fruits, and good to get some extra fun stuff to indulge in at your house too.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you for your words. Somehow it's very different coming here and hearing that I'm strong compared to hearing from someone who has never experienced the loss of a child telling me, "I don't know how you are doing it. I don't think I could. You are so strong." I just tell them that you don't know what you can do until you have to.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing with me last night and keeping me in your thoughts. Seeing the candle you posted for Trista helped more than I can say. It helps to know that while grief is different for each person and the ways in which we show and handle our grief can be so very different, the feelings are much the same. It helps so much to know I'm not alone.

I found out this morning that a very good friend from my childhood passed last night. She was 34 years old and leaves behind two little boys. I hadn't seen her in years and had only connected through facebook but we were very close as children and teens. My heart is aching for her two young boys, her brother and sister, and especially for her Mother. My friend's father had been killed in a car crash when we were just kids. So, her Mom has lost her husband and now her Daughter. If anyone wants to say a prayer or send some healing thoughts for this family I'm sure they will take all they can get.

Shannon

[Guest]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

John David, Let your Mom and Family feel your LOVE all around them today.

Thinking of you, Susan and holding you in my heart today.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

JOHN DAVID-

JOHN DAVID-

JOHN DAVID-

Shine your light brightly today, giving your love and guidance to your Sweet Mom and family and friends. You are held tightly in their hearts, and in our hearts as we have come to know you too, through your Mom. Let them feel your presence, let them know you are near.

Susan, the dates are impossible to face but we find some sort of way to do just that, we face them with ways to honor their lives and honor all those who love Him. Peace to you My Friend.

[ericasmom]

CHIP SWEETIE-

May you feel the love all around you and may you let your love fall like flower petals all around your Momma and Daughter. Know that we hold you and your Family in our hearts.

Del, I miss your input here, but understand if you needed to step back-know that you are being thought of on this hard day and each day.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[daveydow1]

CHIP......CHIP.......CHIP.....SAYING YOUR NAME AND REMEMBERING YOU.

Shannon-----I'm so sorry for your pain. As Dee said....the two month mark

is so difficult because the stark reality of our loss hits so hard, as the

shock may be wearing off a bit. I, so, understand that you feel lonely, yet

don't want to be around others right now. I felt the very same way on this

grief road at that stage. We are strong, we just don't feel like we are. Of

course it does us no good to hear someone tell us that. When someone

told me that, it was almost as if they were telling me that I was 'over' the

loss of my child. The people are well-meaning, of course, but there is

really nothing they could say to us. Keep coming here to BI, Shannon.

It is where you can 'talk' and have others who truly understand your

feelings and all the bumps on this roller-coaster journey. Peace to you, friend.

JOHN DAVID ......JOHN DAVID......JOHN DAVID SMILE DOWN ON YOUR FAMILY TODAY,

AND FLY HIGH ON ANGELS WINGS IN HEAVEN.

Dee----

Yep---I know I'll be exhausted by the time the grandies go back home.

My husband helps a lot with them. He throws the ball to them for batting,

and they hit golf balls. They also love their 'hideout' under the huge pines

back by the garden. It's a lot of fun. (Their parents and older brother & sister

and friends are going to Cedar Point for the day)......should be lots of fun

for them.

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Jesse David (J.D.) and Happy Angelversary John David (J. D.)!! Thinking of you both, Laurie and Susan. Today marks 22 months since I lost my Jared Daniel (J. D.)

I am still praying for justice, with the two year mark looming on October 3rd, 2013. I have fought so hard to be heard, and to have every stone turned to seek the truth, and now I am at the point where there is no more I can do, but pray that what we have done is enough.

My husband and I have been working like dogs repairing an out building that had storm and water damage. Got the roof replaced, hired that out, but we took on removing flooring and walls and replacing. Two weeks of working morning until late at night, and my body is exhausted, and my hands so sore it hurts to type! I will post some pictures later.

I am also working on building a 4' by 4' billboard which we will put on our property near the roadway that we have worked so hard to reduce the speed limit on, only to have people continue to speed by... I am making two of them, and hope to get permission from a property owner at the other end of this neighborhood to erect a second billboard. It is a request that they slow down, and has a picture of Jared and his date of birth and date of death.

My 23 year old daughter, Jasmine, is really struggling with the lack of justice, and the fact that the driver continues to drive past our home, speeding, beeping the horn, flipping me off, and generally acting as though she has gotten away with murder. I can only pray that the police will do as they promised and look at the evidence that we uncovered and find a way to charge her.

I would have been willing to forgive, but there was no apology, only lies on top of lies, and insult to injury with continued bad behavior.

[ericasmom]

Becky, I am hoping and hoping alongside you, that justice of some sort will be served. Your Daughter sure could use this as a way to put some trust back into the world, as could you all.

Don't overdue the work on the out-building, but I am glad that you have something that consumes your energy right now. Waiting is the hardest. Good luck on the billboards.

[tobyfreefoot]

becky i am so sorry. i find the woman's behavior so shocking. why she is not bending over backwards apologizing and leaving flowers etc. is beyond me.

susan hoping JOHN DAVID's angelversary was a comfort to you and you are able to rest now knowing you honored him well and he is so touched by all

your efforts.

lori-family events break my heart. forest was by far the largest personality in the room. he took up so much space with his vibrant crazy energy. it feels so much less without him. my other children's energy is also more subdued since he died so it makes me feel so sad. we bought some little knives for my kids and some friends when we went to new mexico. when bobby got them out he handed me 4 of them and said "here, one for each of your kids" i had to say i only have 3 kids now. so automatic to count out 4 when buying things for them.

tonight a guy came by we haven't seen in several years. he is a single dad of a 17 years old girl. he could only say "you know i have no idea how you can do this, i have no idea how you must feel. i can't even bear to think about something happening to my daughter." he said he is bringing my a copy of a prayer. so sweet of him. he is about as hillbilly and uneducated as they come. he was a terrible alcoholic (says he has been sober a year and a half) he has always been such a sincere person though. funny how comforting it was to talk to him. so down to earth. like someone said you just never know who will reach out to help you.

i still prefer to be by myself than with others more times than not. it seems like such an effort to stay in the present and not let my mind wander.

as always love to all of you, my friends. i don't know what would have become of me without this site.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Gretchen,

"i still prefer to be by myself than with others more times than not. it seems like such an effort to stay in the present and not let my mind wander."

This is how I feel most of the time. It's impossible right now to have everyday conversations.

Becky,

Your description of the actions of this person made me cry. I can't imagine. I am praying for resolution for you and your family. No matter what happens though, you fought. The idea of the billboards is awesome.

Laurie and Cara,

Talking about the car hit home for me. I have a hard time letting myself breakdown. I always have someone around me that I feel I need to be strong for. When I am in the car alone I can cry. I can let go without hurting anyone else.

Shannon

[tobyfreefoot]

no shannon, not selfish, necessary. you have to have that silence and peace. i'm sure your husband wants to be quiet now that he knows that is what you need. he is not trista's father am i right? bobby is not any of my kids' dad but he wants to support me which sounds like your husband does too. i guess they don't know what to do unless we tell them. anyway a mother of a dead child is in no way ever selfish in asking for what she needs. god knows it is hard enough even with everything we need because what we need is never going to be there. i think anyone that loves us won't look at it as selfish and anyone else just doesn't matter.

[tobyfreefoot]

feeling incredibly sad right now. 25 months in should i still be taking one step forward 2 back? i want my son back.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, yep, it is still the dance we do at 25 months and I would guess it even happens at 25 years, less so but why not? We work very hard to find a new balance and we fall off sometimes. That two year mark hit home very hard for me, I have spoken about it here, and I was caught so off-guard by it. I sunk low but it was necessary, while down in those depths, I felt like I found some pieces I needed to help me live stronger once I surfaced again. I remember getting out of bed long before the sun came up one morning, and sat on the front porch with coffee and Neil Young playing over and over, Sugar Mountain---"you can't be twenty, on sugar mountain...you are leaving here too soon"...Eri was 19 when she died, you can't be twenty. I remember sobbing, relentlessly sobbing through the morning, unable to stop but also, not trying to. I felt better for it, but needed a few weeks of very quiet.

Shannon, the quiet is something you need and I am so glad that you were able to let your husband know. It is so hard to walk on eggshells when you are just trying to learn how to breathe again, so no, it was not selfish at all, like Gretchen said, it is necessary. the accident report has got to be difficult to deal with, I know it was for us as well. It is time for folks to gather and sign petitions and call the local and state officials to have some changes made at the place where Trista died. My hope is with you.

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Gretchen, I know that feeling of frustration. One step forward and another few back. On Friday I had to go to our local hospital to grab a few shower covers for my husbands chemo picc line. I decided to go the short route to the chemo room and ran in the emergency door. As I walked out I quickly glanced into the waiting room. There seated in the room alone was a young man that looked exactly like my Jeff. They could have been twins. I froze in my tracks and was so shaken when I got back to the car that I almost had a full breakdown. I was headed out to lunch and had to compose myself. Oh how I wanted to go back home and just crawl into a hole. I have not stopped thinking about him since. This is now over three years since he died. I can honestly say that he is on my mind many times a day. I'm sure that will be the way of it for me for the rest of my life. What is so difficult for me is to see our neighbors and their grown kids show up for family visits. These guys used to play together when they were kids. Life continues for those untouched by death. I stand alone in my grief when I see them gather as a family. All I can do is be happy for them that they will not have to endure this type of pain. Thinking of everyone and sending wishes for a peace filled day. Kate

[ericasmom]

Kate, it must have been very hard to see that Boy that looked so much like Jeff. It is hard to compose oneself after such a shocking image. Our lives will always be a delicate balance inwhich we live with a foot in both worlds, one here and now with those we love and that love us, and one with that Child, that gone-too-soon Child who is always going to be in our daily thoughts.

At ten years I can honestly say that Eri is thought of throughout the days and nights, everyday and night and that I still speak with her and miss her hugely. That will never go away, but I promise that some of that pain and ache that is so ever-present in the first few years will make way for something new, and it will be a softer place though for me, one that finds me still needing a lot of alone time, it is best this way.

To All, I feel that my saying you are strong when you are least feeling strong might have sounded brash. I hope you know that it was intended to be the opposite. It is hard to hear this from folks that do not know how hurt and broken we are, and some say it to implicate that you must not love your Child as they love theirs because there you are; functioning. However, those are the same folks that may say something like; aren't you over this yet, your other children need you too. It is a no-win but I agree with Sherry, most folks just say the first thing that they are feeling toward us and it usually is from a good heart but not necessarily one that thinks before speaking. We are incredibly strong, even in our brokenness, because we have to be, because we are made to be through the incredible love our Child has for us, and human nature gives us this strength even when we wish we could curl up like an autumn leaf and blow away in the wind. We are meant for something more, we just have to find out what it is.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I stopped by to read. So thankful for the honesty, love, and support I see here. I've been reading a lot of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. I remembered the 5 stages of grief. Someone actually gave my husband a print out of it when his uncle passed about 6 months ago. I remember reading it and thinking at the time that the bargaining stage didn't really apply to death only illness. I was so wrong. Oh how I have bargained. Thinking of you all today.

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Double post

[daveydow1]

Lora-----I agree....family gatherings are just not the same without the

beloved child who had to leave this world too soon. It does, indeed, change

the family forever. Wishing you peace.

Becky----You have fought so hard for justice for J.D. I hope that the

billboard signs will make some people slow down. As you say....others

just speed on by, ignoring the sign, but I guess there will always be

that type of driver. Good luck with the signs.

Shannon-----It is good that you and your husband have open dialog about

the way you felt about too much talking, and your wish to have silence

and time for reflection at the accident site. I guess your husband could have

thought that talking of other things would help, but now he knows your feelings, and

understands. This is good. I don't think that you are selfish at all.....to

tell others your feelings......how else could they know just how you are

feeling at any particular time ? This road is hard enough without keeping

feelings and frustrations all bottled up. Take the time you need, Shannon.

Peace & comfort.

Kate-----

Your encounter with the young man in the waiting room that looked

so much like Jeff was one that I, too, had happen to me once, about 5 yrs.

after Davey passed, and like you.....it certainly unnerved me. I could not

stop looking at the young man who was working in the produce dept. of

a large supermarket. He even came over to me and asked if I was looking

for a particular item. I hurriedly said, ' no thanks', and left the store. An

incident like this certainly can cause heartache because of course, the

realization then immediately comes that it could not be our beloved child.

It seems almost like a cruel joke. I'm sorry that this happened to you, and

that it affected you so painfully. Please take care.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks everyone... for your support today. Yes, it did unnerve me to see this young man that was so very much like my son. He smiled at me... and as I smiled back... I just wanted to believe that it was Jeff. I longed to go over and hold on so tight that he could not get away. Still, be it as it may...life continues and we somehow find a way to continue to keep working through those days regardless of how hard they can be. Our weather has suddenly turned in very chilly and cloudy. I have noticed the beginning of leaves and underbrush starting to turn yellow already. My goodness, how our climate is changing. I finally had to pull out our tomato plants as they were not maturing. It is getting far too chilly at night. I somehow think that this has become the new norm. Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Kate

[ericasmom]

Chicago has enjoyed some of the prettiest weather in a long time, this whole week has been beautiful though it is about to change but today it was 75, the day before low 70's and like that all week, the nights are down to the high 50's low 60's. I love this kind of weather, below the averages with a nice steady breeze. We have been picking some tomatoes the last few days, we won't have a ton but those that we are picking are quite good. Some squash will follow and a few peppers. The school garden is producing tomatoes and cucumbers and we have had a very hearty supply of broccoli, and some peppers are on the vines ready to ripen. I do agree though Kate, the nights with these cool temps make it feel fall like and certainly the weather all over the world has been very extreme.

I took a very long walk this morning, about 4 miles and it was lovely. Just perfect weather and church bells in the air, I was quiet and able to wander both outdoors and in my heart. I took two more short walks later on, so I am tired and ready for some sleep. I will tutor in the morning, my last session for the summer.

I hope that all of you sleep well tonight, that you wake replenished and feeling that deep love holding you up.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, it does indeed sound as if summer in Chicago has been very pleasant. I envy your success with your vegies. I had decided in the spring to plant various vegetables, but I was particularly looking forward to tomatoes. Unfortunately the night time lows have been so chilly that we have not had them mature. I see tomorrow night it will go down to 7C. I am very much like you in my love for walking. Today we plan to embrace our inner Viking and attend a couple of Icelandic Festival activities. Hopefully when my husband is sleeping I may take the opportunity to walk along the long wall that winds along the lake in town. We woke up this morning to a sunny sky and absolutely no breeze. Wishing everyone a peaceful day. Kate

[Josh's_sister]

Hello again.... I am trying to read everyone's story and have something to say to each of you, like you seem to do so beautifully over here, but I just don't have it in me right now. I am so sorry for all of your losses. My heart literally hurts for the pains we all have to endure. I am praying for peace for so many people right now.

I don't think dad is going to find his way back here. Maybe I will remind him when he gets in town in a few days. He seems to be stronger this time around (who has to say that?!?!? and so soon). He also has a girlfriend so I think that is a huge help.

I also worry that maybe he is just not letting it really sink in/pour out, do whatever grief does in circumstances like this. We both have suffered with depression over the past year, and I know we are afraid to go there again. My dad because of his struggle with life to begin with, and me because I know the consequences it had on my marriage, home, children, daily life etc. I feel like I just starting to remember how to function and now it's starting all over again.

And I also think that the level of sadness is such that if I were ever to tap into its existence, I may never recover. I am starting to feel lost. I am wondering what I will be able to do after all the planning is done, we have the services, and it's back to trying to have a life. I have four kids of my own and a good husband. They need me... they need a complete me. That may never exist again.

I feel like I am grieving for Josh all over again. I am devastated to have lost Gregg. None of it makes sense... except, the real sick thing is that it totally makes sense with what they were doing. That doesn't make it hurt any less... if anything it makes it hurt more because not only do I mourn their loss now, but I am filled with sadness, regret, longing for what could have and should have been over the years. I am so sad and angry and just heartbroken.

Thanks for listening to me here.... no one posts in the sibling forum.

[ericasmom]

Kate, I have heard others say that their plants are not producing also due to nightime temps. Everything is on a different time-table this year, last year tomatoes were not good and all the peppers had a fungus. This year, we are finally seeing some swallowtail butterflies in our yard this week, where as usually we have them from June through September so things are definitely changing. We have had so few dragonflies and that makes me sad. We have had some great visits from the hummingbirds though, yesterday two danced all around the yard and came very close to John and I while we read on the deck. Lovely, and we heard the tiny sound they emit while playing tag in mid-air.

I am glad that you are getting out for your walks too, they do make a difference in our lives.

Vanessa, you are going through a lot and I understand your worry about how you are going to handle this fresh grief when the grief from Josh's leaving is still fresh. All I can say is you might use some of what you have learned along the way to help you in this new time. You will grieve Gregg but you know that you will find ways as you have with your loss of Josh, you know that you have these family members needing you...and how does one raise a family in the midst of so much loss? I am holding your hand and sending you hope. It is sad and that sadness is exhausting., please take good care of yourself both physically and emotionally.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

I haven't had the experience of seeing anyone who looked so much like my Trista. I can only imagine the jolt to your heart and gut when something like that happens.

Vanessa, You, your Dad, and Family are in my thoughts during this time. What Dee said is so important. Make sure to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. I know it can be hard to focus on that when you are going through such pain but it is very important.

Dee,

We have had so many butterflies and hummingbirds. Much more than in previous years. Lots of big beautiful Eastern Tiger Swallowtails. I've gotten some beautiful butterfly pictures this summer.

Thinking of you all and wishing you all a beautiful, peaceful day.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Shannon, I am so glad that you are getting some assistance and that the therapist is naming this as PTSD, I do believe that you are getting some good advice. Did she say what kinds of PTSD treatments she may proceed with? When we have early trauma we have been imprinted, we are wired differently from that early learning. We can go along forever without much issue but then when other traumas occur, that imprint gets activated and we are in full PTSD.

So all of the Eastern Swallowtails are in your yard this year, now I can understand them gathering 'round' you in this time of deep sorrow, we have missed them but knowing that they are with you is good. Most years I have many many swallowtails each day, the blacks and the yellows, but they have just slowly been showing up this week.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

Thank you for your thoughts on PTSD. I liked what you said about the swallowtails "gathering round" me. There are days that they are big part of what gets me through the day. I'm glad some are moving your way now because they truly are beautiful. Since I have hoarded them this summer I thought I would share a couple of my pictures with you.

Shannon

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Sign finished yesterday, and put up today! I have materials to build another one for the other end of the neighborhood, just need to get property owner's permission.

The amazing part is that I cut all these boards and built the sign without injury!!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Becky, the sign looks very nicely done...

My first thought when I saw the photo, was looking at your road...I cannot believe they were allowing drivers to go that fast in a residential zone...also, no shoulders, no sidewalk, and a yard flush with a very narrow road.....that should have been 35 mph zone, what negligence on the part of your road planners...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Becky,

I think you did an amazing job on the sign.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Becky, amazing job on the sign, really great. I hope that you get permission from the people where the other sign will be. You have some good building skills, I am impressed.

Shannon, your therapist really sounds good, she is moving slowly which is good, there are good reasons for not rushing things. I wish you well. I understand the issues concerning meds, but just know that most docs will start you out on a small dose so that your body can slowly get used to it and if it is not the right thing for you, they will take you off the same way they put you on, in increments.

Laurie, no, I don't really think it is the cool weather keeping the butterflies down, I think it is the universe reacting to the strange weather patterns that are forming due to global warming. The droughts that have plagued the areas have caused much of what butterflies need for nourishment, to wither and die and so their food supply has sharply declined. Some say that the butterflies next year will also be down because of this so we are hoping that some of the rains that have fallen will encourage more growth of the prairie plants that are needed to sustain the beautiful butterflies and dragonflies. We have to quit developing on the wetlands and prairies so that the flyways are open for birds and all the flying insects that need these places to take in nourishment and lay eggs and keep life going.

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to my BI family...I came to say hello and to offer my wishes to those who have had birthdays and anniversaries since my last visit to BI. I am sorry that I was not here to speak your beautiful child's name, to open my heart to you and help you grieve your loss. As you know, my beautiful sister Dorothy died on Tues, July 23. The wake was last Wednesday, the 31st, and then the funeral was the next day. This involved us driving in a funeral procession from Weymouth MA, where she lived, to Cape Cod, where her husband is buried in a National Military Cemetery. From my house, to Weymouth then back to my house on Wednesday, involved approximately 160 miles round trip. then on Thurs, from my house to Weymouth, then to the Cape and back to Weymouth for the reception, and then back to my house involved over 250 miles. I was incredibly exhausted from the trips, but also from the grief and the facing of yet another loss of someone I loved so much. I know that she was elderly, and I know that she lived a wonderful life these last 20 years, but still, the loss is there, the pain is there, and the missing is and will continue to be there. I was the only sibling at the services; my two sisters and brother who are in Florida could not make the trip, understandably so. I did not realize that I was indeed the "only sibling" there until her son came to tell me that they wanted me to sit up front with the rest of the immediate family. It was a sobering realization. Not only is my sister gone, but I now have none of my original family anywhere close in proximity. I will miss her, so very much, but I am glad she is no longer in the pain she was in for those last couple of weeks. I had written an entry in her Legacy.com website, and they asked if they could read it at her service. Of course, it was all right with me, and I was glad that they did, as it helped me to feel as though I had done something to contribute to honoring her in these hours of gathering in her honor. "Dates" "Dates" are fast approaching for me also...young Mike's birthday is the 20th and my husband's anniversary of his death is on the 30th...and I don't know which has me more disturbed...the fact that our son will be 38 and I have not seen him in 7 years, or the fact that my husband will be gone for an entire year. I cannot fathom either scenario, and yet I live it, every day. I did, however, have a most awesome happening involving my husband, just this morning. When my hubby died I had to give up my verizon cell phone as it was too expensive. I went to straight talk for 45 dollars a month. Well, I have been wanting a samsung galaxy III phone since they first came out but the one straight talk offers runs on Sprint and I cant get a signal here from sprint. SO, I was reading about the galaxy 4 and was telling my grandson about it. He said "Grandma, you have been wanting one for soooo long; why don't you just treat yourself and get it?" He said "You're always helping us out and helping others out; do something for yourself and get it." Well Sat nite I decided I would go on Sunday after church and look at this phone that I didnt really "need" but did really want. So, Sunday after church, I went to look at them. And I got it. And I LOVE it and yes, I find joy in it. Well, as of this morning the phone part wasn't activated and I was thinking I was going to have to go back to the store. I was sitting out in the yard with my grandson and I was showing him the phone, when I saw it was now activated. I went to check how to add contacts and when I pressed the contact app, the screen switched to a video that I have previously posted (last February) on Youtube...it is a short clip my other grandson made on my last birthday with my hubby here (2012) and it shows me opening his present to me and I am so excited that I get up and run over to hug and kiss him...my grandson got it all. Well, this video shows up on this phone...all by itself...I have NO idea how...and yet I do...I will take it as a super duper sign from hubby that he is glad I got the phone! Also, even though I havent yet added ANY pictures, I found on the phone part of an album from my computer that contains nothing but pictures of hearts that I've seen at special times over the past year...AND all by itself, a picture of us walking back down the aisle after we got married... And the picture of us kissing right after we were pronounced husband and wife! I have NO idea how these pictures and video got on this phone...but there they are. I have to say that I am so excited about it all....and grateful. I've been reading all of your posts, and will have to write down all of the new members and their sweet child's name as well. I have lost track and I do not want to do that...you all deserve to be remembered and named... As usual, everyone here is helping everyone else, and that is what this site is all about and I am so proud to know that I can come here and be part of all of you. The price was high, as we all know, but if there is a need for a place such as this, then this is the place that fills that need, thankfully. BECKY: I do love the sign...I know you have worked so hard on it, and I know that Jared is truly proud of you for your efforts. I too am appalled at the behavior of the driver. So unnecessary, as well as heartless and cruel. SHANNON: I agree, your therapist seems quite thorough and right on target with what your symptoms are showing. The work can be very hard, but can also direct you on roads that will help you to heal. SHERRY: We've not had groundhogs, thankfully...I know they are nearby as I've seen them, but none right near...but we've had chipmunks and oh have they been destructive and then some! LORA: I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time. It is hard, so very hard, to not have someone in our life whom we love so very much. The days are long, and sometimes just not holding much meaning, but we go on until we come upon one that helps us find meaning to this life and if we are really standing in sunshine, we may even find something to smile about. I pray the peace and smiles will find you and settle into your heart. TRISTA'S MOM: I am so very sorry for your loss. I am glad that you have found BI, though wish that you never had a reason to look. VANESSA: I can't imagine the pain your parents are feeling, and I know that your pain over the loss of your brothers is deep and raw, as well. Prayers for you and for your family. KATE: I can well imagine your feelings when you saw the young man who resembled your Jeff so much. The feeling that your heart has stopped is very real. I have had the experience with Mike's exact "look-alike" sitting right beside me at a ballgame. I finally had to speak to him and tell him how much he looked like my son. He was quite affable and sweet about it all, and I thanked him for being so kind. I now have it happen every time Mike's middle boy, Kameron (now 16) is here...he is an exact replica of his dad: voice, walk, personality, hair, body build, face, all of it. It used to upset me, but I was eventually able to consider it a gift and now am able to enjoy and be thankful for that gift, most of the time. I hope that you and your husband were able to get out and enjoy some of the festival. And I do hope that he is doing better with the chemo. I think he is nearing the end of this round, isn't he? JESSIE DAVID'S MOM: I too have suffered the meltdowns when I think of the years ahead without our son, and now, without my husband...the plans we had made are now never to happen, and I try hard to bring to the fore those plans that we DID carry out...and the same applies to our son, as well. I remember his saying "I really wonder what I will look like at 40." During his radiation and chemo treatments, of course he lost a good bit of hair, and he told his dad "at least I am getting a glimpse of what I might have looked like at 40." I am so sorry that you are having those heartbreaking "how will I live all these years without him" thoughts, and I pray you are able to find peace in your heart and your mind. DEE: So glad to hear that you are doing your walks and goodness, FOUR miles? I know I couldn't have lasted for that...my knees have been really giving me fits since I fell, and it seems that each day is worse. I guess I will have to return to the doctor for a re-evaluation. I know that summer is winding down for you, and as you have said before, the ridiculously early return date to your classroom makes it so much shorter. I hope the weather stays decent and cool for that first week when you usually suffer so from the late season heat. How is your beautiful grandbaby girl, Erica? Do you still see her often? My eyelids are finally heavy and I must strike while the iron is hot, or I will drift into another "wide awake" period and miss the "window of opportunity" for sleep. I do happily announce, though, that as of night before last, I have returned to my bed for sleeping. I don't sleep there all night, but I have slept there the last part of the night for a couple of nights in a row now. My goal was to try to be back in there completely by the 30th, and that is getting met slowly but surely. I know I've not spoken to all of you, and I apologize for that, and will try to do better next time, which I hope won't be so long from now. Love to all.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Carol,

The story of your new phone warmed my heart today. The hearts, pictures, video...How perfect!

I'm sorry again for the loss of your Sister but glad you got to be such a part of honoring her at her services.

I'm thinking of all of you today. We have to meet with the prosecutor this afternoon. I'm not sure how I will handle this but I am sure that I will be completely drained when it's over.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Take us with you Shannon, to sit with our arms around you and Husband as the words are spoken this afternoon.

CAROL, joyous for the gifts that you found in this phone, the gifts from your Man. So glad to see you here. I know the road is filled with dips and holes, but I know you are wearing your strong soled shoes, making your way in your most spirited style. Love you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[M.Mata77]

So tomorrow is my sons birthday. He would have been 13 this year. This is a tough day for us as it reminds us that in 30 days is his angel date. Took off work tonight and tomorrow night so I can focus on getting through the next two days.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Miguel, I am so sorry. It will be two years this October since I lost my 15 year old son, Jared. Also hit by a car and killed. We have celebrated two birthdays for Jared since he left us, what would have been his 16th and 17th birthdays, by having his close friends and ours over for a balloon release and just a time of remembering what he meant to each of us. The days leading up to his birthday seemed much harder to me than the day itself. I pray you will feel his presence around you tomorrow. God bless you and your family.

Thanks to each of you that commented on the sign we put up in honor of Jared! I met with one property owner today to request to put a sign on the other end of our road. They are going to ride out and see the one we put up and get back to me. I really hope they allow it. They have owned the lot where I want to put the sign for 30+ years, and it is wooded, never been built on. They have a nice older home in town.

[daveydow1]

Laurie-----It's an ongoing battle with the groundhogs......they are quite

persistent creatures. Yep----the little red squirrels are cute....but as you

say....not so cute when they want to live with you !

Becky---Thanks for posting the pics of the nice signs. They are indeed

very nicely done.....a labor of love for you & your husband to do. I pray

that they will do some good.

Carol----Chipmunks !! :angry: ....they, too, are a menace. All these rodents

are quite destructive around homes & outbuildings, and they certainly

can't be left to have a free rein. Your trip for your beloved sister, Dorothy's,

funeral was a long one, and so understandable that you were exhausted

when it was all over and you were back home. Exhausting physically,

and emotionally, I imagine. So sorry, and I know that you will always miss

her. Oh----what a wonderful thing to happen with your new phone. I think

that Ralph and Mike may have had a little hand in the phone pics. It must

have warmed your heart to see them. Thinking of you as the angelversary

and birthday dates approach. Peace & comfort, friend.

Dee----

I must make this post fast......kids will be coming soon. Guess what???

I get to have them for 5 nights, rather than 2 . It will be fun, to be sure, but

I'll be soooo ready to just collapse for a good sleep when Becky comes to

pick them up Sunday. (I'm not getting any younger.....and my energy level seems

to be flagging fast ! ) . Our weather is so nice.....couldn't ask for anything

more......blue skies, big puffy white....sometimes trimmed in gray... clouds all

over, and nice breezes through the cornfields and trees.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Swallowtail in Davey & Lisa's garden. (Hope this works )

GRRrrrrrrrrr........Oh well. Never could get the hang of this.

Maybe I'll try it again some other time.