Loss of an Adult Child

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Dee...thank you again....for holding my hand and holding me up...it has been a winding road....my daughter...is coping as well as she can about John David....now...it is coming down to the wire with her oldest...son...Austin....he is going off to college....he took college classes in high school...here in Brenham...if a student wants they can attend Blinn Jr. College and get some College credits before they graduate from high school....(here in Washington Co. it is free...some counties in Texas you have to pay)....so when he went to Blinn after high school graduation...he was a Sophomore....so now when he attends...UT in Austin...he will be a Jr.....he is very talented and gifted...will major in their Film school...( I know...very strange for one of ours to attend UT for we are a family of A&M Aggies)....the rubber is hitting the road...for she realizes ...he won't be home....my poor Baby Girl....all I can do is pet her, love her and hear her cry....I have reminded her many times...that when she went off to college...I cried in every corner of the house....sigh....

If time were not a moving thing...and I could make it stay.....

My brother is having $$$ problems again....I have a saying about him..."He has been known to make himself a sandwich"....I don't know how he came out to be the way he is...raised in the same home as me and my sister....after losing John David...it seems so trivial...

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

I am writing from Michigan, my husband and I drove up here in Grand Haven today for a few days to get away.My nephew us staying at our home while we are away. After 10 years, we went to Kalamazoo and visited the place where Eri was hit by the train. It is safe there now, because of what happened to her and our case. I wept, we tied two pink ribbons to the wroght iron fencing that prevents anyone or vehicle from being on the tracks. The roads have been taken away and new ones constructed so that none of them access the tracks again. There we stood, weeping for all we mourn and for the changes that will save others.

God Bless you My Eri Girl.

[daveydow1]

Laurie----Thank you for your kind words. I was able to hear the song on

your video in tribute to Jesse David, but could not see the pics except

for small thumbnails which kept disappearing. (I've been having some

problems with my computer lately, and may need to get another one.)

The words in the song are so true, and I know that it comes from your

grieving heart to honor your dear son. Peace to you, friend.

Dee----Yep---it's hotter here than it was supposed to be, but still a big

relief from the 90's temps we just had. Denny & I picked beets, green

beans, and lettuce last evening. As you say.......the weeds will always

be there. . We finished just in time, because then the mosquitoes

started in on us. This humidity has made them very bad. We planted

a couple of black-eyed susans in Davey & Lisa's flower garden.(perennials)

.....the ones that had been there for a long time were dying out. We also

bought a nice cement angel statue at the garden center to put at the

edge. Of course there's weeds in there also, and we keep trying to catch

up with them, but alas,......it can be a losing battle, and we give up and

say....."It's not Hyde Park"

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Dee----We posted at the same time. I know that it must have been

so very heart-wrenching to visit the area where your sweet ERi

was hit by the train. I can't seem to be able to find the words to

express myself well, so I will join in with you and say "GOD BLESS YOU, ERI".

Peace to you, my BI friend.

ERI........ERI........ANGEL ERI.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee - May you feel the Angels wings on that sacred spot where Eri was being called home....

My heart goes out to you today...rest in love...

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Everyone, I have not posted for a few days. Nothing wrong, but very busy. I have read your posts and am definitely sending warm wishes to those that are new to this journey. Dee, hope that this visit to Eri's spot will somehow give you a sense of peace. To see that progress was made in a positive way to ensure that others will not fall victim as your sweet girl did. Sherry, our weather has been heaven sent! Temps are amazingly perfect. Highs a comfortable mid twenties (eighty) and lows so perfect. Great for sleeping. I have noticed that they are being hit in the east with very hot and humid weather. We are just preparing for our Gimli Film Fest that starts on Wednesday. The Film Fest has grown every year with a huge increase of attendees. Films are shown all over town and every night they show a film on a huge screen set out on the lake. People come by the droves and set up their chairs on the beach to snuggle in for a night of free entertainment set under the stars. Last weekend we had our Antique Car Show. Again the weather was on our side. Eight hundred mint vintage cars were proudly shown by their owners in a great setting. Lined up and down from Centre to the wharf. They have live music playing by bands featuring hits from the fifties and sixties. It's a lot of fun. We managed to walk the entire length of the display. Then returned home where my husband then went back to bed. I know he enjoyed it. I am anxiously awaiting the birth of the royal baby. My birthday is on Tuesday and I am hoping beyond belief that that precious bundle is born on my day. The past few chemo treatments were a little tougher as far as side effects were concerned. We start another round on Wednesday. Just another seven treatments to go. We look on the positives from this. He does not have to shave any longer! We are keeping a positive outlook and going about business as usual as we are able. Some days it is just not possible ...but others we just go for it. Sending warm wishes and love to all. Wishing you a warm and peaceful evening. Love, Kate

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Thought I would share this, was a post on my Facebook...

How lovely. Just how we all feel. Just reading it sent a sad connection to all that it conveyed. I am not able to count the number of times that I have to brush the feel of a touch on my neck or the back of my head. I know he comes from time to time. When I need that support. Nothing scary...not ever. At my moment of trial I am given his touch of support. His advice to me is to move on and not to forget that he is always a thought away. Hold on to the deepest love and the support will never abandon you. But death is a fact of this life. We need to focus on moving forward in a positive way. We are given the deepest challenge through this trial of loss. Take it and carry it with dignity and courage. It takes huge courage to walk this walk. We can do it in honour of our love for them. They are waiting for us on the other side and encouraging us to try as hard as it is to keep going. And we can do it. They know that. And at some time so will we.

[mikesmomrs]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY JESSICA...shine your bright spirit in celebration of this wonderful day for your family...the day you arrived and changed their world forever. Let your mom and dad besutiful son feel your spirit about them.. KATHY...thinking of you...sending love.

[Mermaid Tears]

Well Dee....you just did one of those...'let's turn Mama inside out'...and I am sending you thoughts and prayers..that the 'movie' doesn't play out for long...for we all know it has...all the 'boogie men coming out of the closet' replays...you have such a connection to your Eri...I feel in my heart that she has comforted you in only the way your Baby Girl knows you can be soothed...and have peace in your world....

I have a story for everyone....will post later....thanking everyone that will come and post....for I do get a new thought..a new lift...a new renewal...a new push...to keep on with the keep on....have peace today in your hearts....

[Joshsmom6613]

I am new to this forum and not sure how this works. My husband and I lost our 21 year old son 6 short weeks ago in a motorcycle accident. Josh only had the motorcycle barely a month when he died. We have a 15 year old daughter that we have to think about but I can't seem to move forward from the pain. How are you all managing through this kind of pain? I just feel so empty inside.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi, I am so sorry for the loss of your son Josh. I know the first weeks can be so unbelievably hard. I am sure you are drifting in between denial and heartache. We all seem to follow stages in our grieving process. It is really important that you try to take good care of yourself even though you probably lack the will to do so. I know that it may not seem like it at this point, but your heartache will slowly soften with time. It will take a tremendous amount of time and effort on your part. Every ounce of you will feel drained and you will wonder if you can get through this. You will. I hope that your family will stay strong and offer support to each other at this most difficult time. I am glad that you came here to talk. There are so many that will offer their support. You are not alone in this. Thinking of you, and wishing you peace.Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Josh's Mom, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter, Trista to a car accident just 7 weeks ago. I understand the emptiness and the pain. I also understand having younger children at home that you have to think of. I have a 3 year old son and a 14 year old son. In many ways I've borrowed strength from them to push myself forward because I know they need me. There are days, though, that I wish no one needed me and I could just collapse. I'm so very sorry that any of us have to go through this. You have found a place where everyone understands. There is a lot of love and support here.

Shannon

Laurie, Thank you for asking about me. I have just had a few days where I really needed to isolate, I guess. I have been on here and reading but unable to post.

Dee, I can't imagine how hard that was. I hope you felt the love of Erica all around you.

My thoughts are with you all.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

Josh's Mom....many have been on this site for many years...I call them our 'guides'....and some are new....but our heart's break for the 'new' ones...yes...our shattered hearts can still break again...for we know the path you are on...we are walking in your shoes...you will find many that will offer a word...or words...that can carry you forward. Some will post something that touches you 'right where it hurts the most'...and we are here with hands reached out to the grieving and hurting. Please be very gentle and kind to yourself....that may sound strange but we know...that 'self care' is very important...it is not selfish...it is for survival...and your peace of mind. Each of our lost children are unique..and that is why your grief walk will be unique to you...but there are common threads of grief..and that is what will be a comfort to you. I will not gild the lily...it is just so damn hard...and it hurts...inside and outside. You have that precious daughter that is in a strange land...in fact...this is all foreign to you....so...hug each other...and cling to each other...let your hearts cry..and remember together...for all that is a part of healing. Please tell us about your son...we hope you have a circle of support around you....on this site we have a mix....some have no circle of support...and others have a strong circle. We come from everywhere...but here....we understand the foreign language we now speak. Peace to you.

[Mermaid Tears]

Laurie....I think I will call you our 'lady of knowledge'....for you post things that you have researched...and then graciously...share with us...and that kind of knowledge is not innate...thank you. I do so appreciate what you have learned and then pass on to us. I look forward to seeing your 'butterfly'....how very nice to receive such a gift...

Shannon....am thinking of you....it is so exhausting...just the other day...I was 'trying' to organize a 'part' of my house...and I walked into my garage carrying boxes....and had a melt down...and thought.."I am so tired of being tired...being sad...being beyond sad...feeling like I am always walking in deep sand...no passion...no happy...not looking forward to anything...not wanting to go anywhere".....that heavy cloud that rings around my head...and I know many on here have that same feeling....and it is grief...and we are working on it..around it..through it...but each of us know we can't put it down...we have to learn to 'carry' it....the healing hands of time will be our teacher on how to carry it...and Lora expressed the same feeling...it must be a common thread for all parents....

[ericasmom]

I am on an old very slow laptop, so I won't write often, just a bit here and there until I am home.

JESSICA,

Peace Sweet Girl, Summer loving girl. Kathy, hope that the day brought more smiles than tears.

Josh's Mom, I am terribly sad for the loss you are enduring. You are asking good questions, HOW to do this. EVeryone here will lend you whatever they can in this realm...but do take care of you both for your own good but for your 15 year old to see and learn from. I am sending you hope though I know it is very hard to find at this early early stage.

Peace Everyone

[Mermaid Tears]

Kathy...we are all here....sitting in a 'distant' and an imagination circle...but we are all 'circling the wagons around you'.....we all share the same thoughts for you...that your Baby Girl...will walk right beside you...the angels weep for your heartache.

Dee....I hope all is well in your travels...and layers of enlightment comfort you....

[Guest]

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[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends - so long since I have been among all of you and as always it hurts my heart to see all the new ones here yet so happy they have found this place I still call home. Thank you for your sweet words for my Jessica, hard to believe she would have been 34 yesterday, the 7th birthday we have had to endure without her. We went out to dinner to "celebrate" her birthday as that is what Tavian wanted to do, he had lobster (his favorite) and then he had an ice cream for dessert and when they served it he held it up and said "Happy Birthday Mommy" and smiled....I held my tears back and smiled right back at him. It was a hard day as always but we shared some beautiful memories and smiles. I had my "time" when I was alone. The missing never gets easier....I long to hug her and oh how I wish I could just have a few moments with her but it would never be enough... We have moved into our house and I LOVE IT, it is so beautiful and huge, I just have so much space it is wonderful. The fish pond is in and am working on it slowly doing the slate and waterfall. Also working on Jessica's Garden which also will take time as I am starting all over again, but worth it. I will try to post a pic of the front of the house, you will notice I have not done any plantings yet....everything is so new to me and I want to do it right. Tavian loves his new room, it is twice the size as his old one and he has his own bathroom which he loves...he is so wonderful and sweet and growing way to fast for me My vacation is over but what a beautiful wonderful time camping was at Gin Beach, every day was sunny, hot and the nights were warm and the stars were bright, was there from Tuesday through Sunday and wish I was there right now, I would stay all summer if I could. I am praying for all here and know that you are always on my mind and in my heart. I will always come back no matter how long in between the times as this is the place that saved my life and heart..God Bless you all, Kathy - Jessica's Mom Always Tavian and I before we went out to dinner!!! Sunset at Gin Beach Front of new house

[mikesmomrs]

DEE...so brave of you and John to stand there and feel the feelings you must have felt...a whole range of them...in honor of your beautiful Tink...you are in my heart, as always. Sending love to all.

[Sholl1955]

There is a part of me that wants to ask the question when will this get better? My head knows it won't ever get better and but my heart wants so to believe it will. 4 months past the 1 year mark and in many ways the pain feels worse. Living life without Sarah is so very hard. I am unable to go to her gravesite as I did the first year because the grass has grown in and her plot is in the middle of a lot of unsold plots and I cannot find where she is. Last year the drought kept the grass from growing in so it was obvious through the winter, but now I can't tell where she is. My son in law will not put a stone on it and he owns it. I know that she is not there, but the body that came into this world and we loved is there. I had to make the decision to discontinue taking my husband to the Adult Day Care Center for financial reasons today, so tomorrow I will begin having to leave him at home while I work and pray that he does ok. Our move to our new apartment has been very hard on his service dog as he is over 100# and used to a large fenced in area to run and now we only have a small patio and he has to be put on a chain to go outside. So he is back at the trainer until they decide what to do. They may have to get a smaller dog for him and he and the dog miss each other so very much. Life just seems too hard right now. I am sorry this is so depressing. I needed to vent and since I am supposed to be over this by now, I have no one who will understand to talk to. I am really so tired of fighting this, but this is the journey we have been given so somewhere I will have to find the strength to go on. I do think of everyone on here as I know you all struggle also. Have a restfull night. Sandy

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[mikesmomrs]

so very sorry, Sandy. Have you checked with the cemetery admin office...perhaps they cld helpcwith identifying it and showing you to it again ...

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sandy,

I'm so sorry to hear of all you're dealing with on top of your grief and just trying to heal. Maybe you've already thought of this but if you are able to find some help by the cemetery officials in locating the site, maybe you could mark it in some way besides the stone. We don't have a stone for Trista's site yet. Our cemetery is new and in the beginning there was only one other site besides Trista's. I had such a hard time going there because it felt like such an empty place and it made me feel she was alone even though I know she's not really there. We had been given a garden stone/planter with a verse on it at her services and we took that out, along with two solar garden stakes, a hummingbird and a butterfly. I also have a cemetery vase to place fresh flowers. Since then there have been a couple more sites added and I noticed they have done similar things. One has flowers planted around their site and the other has a vase like ours to mark theirs. I hope you are able to get some help in locating Sarah's site.

Lora,

Thank you. You said you don't remember much of the first year and I can believe that. I know when I first came here about a month ago, just three weeks after Trista's accident, many of you told me I was still in shock. I understood on an intellectual level but having never dealt with something so painful I really didn't understand the reality of shock. I have talked with people I don't remember talking to. I have written things I don't remember writing. It's just been in the past week that I've felt the fog begin to lift just a little but I know if you ask me two months from now I probably won't remember much from this period either except, like you said, the pain and loss. It's like someone ripped my heart out and to protect myself my mind has insulated me in this thick blanket of fog but yet I'm expected to move around and function in the world.

Laurie,

What a beautiful gesture from Carol Kearns. I've been reading on her site since you suggested it. It was very interesting to me. I have had some thoughts, based on things Trista said to me and to others that she might have on some level "known". I have no other way to explain it. I have been so broken by this grief that it's hard to think of but she made statements to people that were very "prophetic".

Dee, I hope the rest of your vacation is relaxing and peaceful.

Thank you to all who come here and share this journey. Thinking of you all.

Shannon

[tobyfreefoot]

kate-sounds like a fun outing for you guys! glad your husband was able to make it the whole way. i'm sorry the prince didn't wait but he was born on my birthday if that is any consolation lol

laurie-i really like the "letter" you posted. that is all of us i'm sure. i also am amazed that you were able to put together such a professional looking video while seeing your son's hands on the wheel. i think i would have just sat there playing it over and over again. it hurts to see my son in videos but i love to see him.

kathy--your new home looks awesome! the big windows are great! oh 7 years...i'm so glad you have tavian with you. love the pic!

dee--i am glad they have fixed the rr crossing. were eri and your son living there but not you? i've been to forest's crash site 3 times. i kind of have this notion to lay down on the road right where my son took his last breath. of course i don't but it is those type thoughts that come up and tear at my stomach like a lead weight. it's in texas. i cross by it on my way to see the stonemason

carol--there are lots of copper pieces on the floor at my job. i looked down today and saw a perfect heart. i thought of you and forest simultaneously. i look for stars from forest, whether they are from him or not i see them as some kind of sign, or connection or at least a reminder of our love. i thank you for that. i needed something for so long like your hearts and we had played "watch the sky for me" at his funeral and there is a line that says "i'll be there for you in star light". one day i was at the end of my shift and saw a confetti star on the floor that had apparently fallen out of mud on my boots because i had been at the cemetery that evening before i went to work. i looked around and they were everywhere. i hadn't noticed them all night. i had been crying when i left the cemetery for a sign, so they are my thing from forest.

sandy--it sounds like you are in the midst of so many things. no wonder you are feeling more down than usual. i'm glad you came here. it is good to know we are all here for the duration. though we come and go when the going gets tough this is the only place i can think about coming to talk. so..i'm sorry you are having such a terrible time. i can feel it in my heart, so hard. i'm about 8 months further along than you are and believe me i can relate to wondering why i was feeling worse. i feel better now than i did then. maybe getting to the two year mark but i think mostly it is trying to find a way to live with it. philosophically, spiritually, religiously, metaphysically, emotionally whatever i am still seeking something that will work for me but i think i am getting a little closer (though i have to admit i had a panic attack when i went to bed yesterday so maybe not...) i hope the cemetery staff can help you locate your precious daughter. you could get a small granite or slate tile maybe four by four that no one else will know about and place it just below the grass line so they won't remove it. keep it clear of grass and note some landmarks. i put a long thin bronze tile thing in the ground like that because i didn't want to lose where my son's head is because i like to lie "beside" him with my arm over him and i was so afraid i would lose him.

susan--i understand how hard it is to look at others stories sometimes. it just seems to roll into one big heartache that just won't let go. sometimes feels like it will completely overtake me. i will probably post that video a couple times a year because i just want everyone to know my son coz i love him soooo much. god he was sooo much fun. i am sick without him. i try so hard to make fun events for his friends on his "angel date" and his birthday because i don't want his lust for life to ever be forgotten. maybe further down your path you will be able to watch it. his was definitely a life lived to the max.

shannon--like susan-.."I am so tired of being tired...being sad...being beyond sad...feeling like I am always walking in deep sand...no passion...no happy...not looking forward to anything...not wanting to go anywhere"....that describes all of us so well at some point doesn't it? sometimes i think i'm going to make it and then i fall right back into it. bleaak. also for more than a year i would forget how to get to the bank, my house etc. and i have completely given up on pondering complex ideas. i think i lost part of my brain power. some say you get it back in time but i think perhaps the trauma was too much. my hair did turn gray.

josh's mom--i'm sorry you have lost your son in such a tragic, unexpected way. that you were able to find your way here so fast is amazing. i was barely cognizant such a short time in. i don't think i found this site until about 8 months had passed. by then i was desperate for people who understood how i felt. how do you get through? we are all together wandering down the same path. we stumble and fall and someone here helps us get back up and take one more step. many people here come back along the road and look for us that are struggling so. it isn't easy. it isn't fair. it makes me scream out "no" involuntarily when the thought flashes unbidden through my mind of that officer telling me, but this site has helped me stay alive andbegin to smile and hpe for a worthwhile life again. when you feel up to it please tell us all about josh. we will never tire of hearing about him. i found others wanted me to hush and pretend but the peple here seem to et me tell tales all i want.

speaking of tales-last night i was adhering a new lock of forest's hair in my locket when i remembered his sister, allison supergluing his hair when he was asleep. she still says with amazement "and he didn't even get mad!" lol love to all.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sandy....the cemetery has to have a 'on record' a recorded plat...and record of every burial and 'who' is buried there....and 'where' is recorded....they can physically take you and show you..in measurements...exactly where your Baby Girl is....they can then tell you how you can mark the spot so you will know where your loved one is buried...with all the hard things going on around you...I hope this brings you comfort and knowledge that will help you.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest]

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[Mermaid Tears]

ANYONE on this site...may copy..paste..anything I have posted/written...the words are from my heart and not written in concrete...the words are all I have to reach within...reach out...formed deep in my emotion...despair...grief...and searching.

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone, vacation time is grand. Two days reading on the beach, winds are high so no flies. Perfection.

Lora, it just felt like the right time for me, it felt like I could go there now and face the space that my Daughter's life was taken. I needed to see the reconfigured area too, so I could replace that bad vision with a new one, a safe one. I felt very directed by Erica and I wanted to visit the town she really loved. She and Jon were living there doing some part time college away from home, as home is just outside of Chicago.

Gretchen good to see you. I know you go the place where Forest was killed, I wish I could place a marker where ERi was, but it is very populated and would not stay.

Sandy, your story is sad Dear. You never need apologize for it though, you are living this series of unfortunate events in addition to the grief of losing your Girl. I wish I could send you a million dollars to provide for your husbands care and allow him a place big enough for the dog...I am praying on a better solution for you guys. I do agree for the cemetery to show you the space and ask what you can leave there that will help you find your Girl. Why won't your son-in-law put something in place? I really would like a word with him. Does he not see the strain on you and your husband? Goodness knows you have been there for he and the Girls. Prayers coming your way.

[daveydow1]

Sandy-----I'm sorry that you have so many things crowding in on you, on

top of your grieving for dear Sarah. Moving is so hectic, I know. I hope

that your husband's service dog can make the adjustment of moving.

Sending prayers that things can smooth out a bit for you. Come here to

BI to vent......everyone here understands. Peace to you.

Kate----So glad you are having nice weather. The film fest and all the

festivities around the lake sound so very nice. Glad that your husband

was able to enjoy some of it. Prayers for your husband as he undergoes

yet another round of treatments.

Laurie----Thank you so much for the 'Mom' poem. Jesse David's words to

you, and I know each of us here at BI felt as though it was also all our angels sending it to us.

Joshsmom----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Josh. This road is so

very new for you, and all of us Indigos know how very devastating and painful

the loss is at this particular point.....6 mo.....when some of the initial shock is

wearing off. Please come back to BI (Beyond Indigo). It can be a source of

comfort to just be in the company of others who know, firsthand, the sorrow,

confusion, pain, and despair of trying to find your way on this road that no

parent ever wants to be on. Please come back. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, ...... DEAR SWEET JESSICA.

Kathy----Sorry I missed Jessica's birthday. Thanks for the lovely pics. Tav sure is growing up.

Such a handsome young man. Thinking of you.

Dee----

Wild weather here......tornado warnings as I am writing. Luckily, I'm

in the basement. I hope that it all blows over. My husband and I picked a

lg. basket of green beans today.....second day in a row. I cooked them for

supper.They are tender and flavorful. How's all your flowers doing in this

unpredictable weather? Some of ours look like they've had it, and may be

going into a decline....(hanging basket w/ petunias). The baskets seem to

fade quicker than flowers planted in the ground. Beautiful moon last night.

There's a mockingbird around here that sings almost all night.

WISHING PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, here in Michigan we are dipping down to the high 40's or low 50's tonight. WOW! The storm front did not produce much rain here but it sure changed the weather. there were 8 ft. waves on Lake Michigan, a red flag day and yet folks were in the water which scares me with such a strong undertoe reported. We sat with our backs to the wind and read books for a few hours. Lovely. I know the weather got shaky in your area, the news reported that the Ohio valley was dealing with dangerous storms.

Susan, life gets very tricky around these anniversaries for sure, so just hold on to our hands and hearts, we've got you.

Laurie, thanks for your sweet words. Eri is all around us.

Kate, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. Sorry that the baby Royal did not wait until today but what the heck. It is close. good luck as the new round of chemo happens, and I hope that the wonderful weather and the amazing sense of togetherness you share with your Husband continues and flourishes.

Josh's Mom, how are you today?

Shannon, how are the boys?

Lora, yes, the next phase in life with your sweetie going off to school in my part of town. You are a wonderful Mom to encourage him to follow his dreams.

Kathy, lovely to see you and Tavian. So glad that the house you moved into is working out for the better for you all. I am happy that Gin Beach offered you the loving warmth you adore each year.

Carol,If it was bravery, I don't know, it just was time. I felt a calling to view this area from this time in our lives. It felt important and I was ready. So how are the boys? And of course, the girls, your Daughters and grandgirls?

[Jeff's Mom]

I think I did it again. Forgot to log off! Go figure. That's me. Head in a muddle. Thanks to all for your kind wishes. Dee, happy to see that your break away is restful and enjoyable. You of all people deserve it. I spent the day in the city with my oldest friend. We had a lovely lunch and then went for a long walk. We had an opportunity to get caught up on so much and talk at length about the situation. I have been thinking of everyone and particularly those that are struggling at this time with their loss. Sending warm wishes and the hope that tomorrow will be a slightly better day for you. Dee, my Royal Prince was indeed born close to my birthday. He's a strapping little guy given the size of his mom. It seems only yesterday that Diana stood outside of the hospital holding William. My goodness how the time flies by. They seem so much like a modern and progressive young couple. Lovely to have some positive and happy news. I do wish them well. Tomorrow starts another round of chemo. I have found that as we are getting deeper into it that my husband is feeling more ill. The side effects are manageable, but he likens it to the worst flu of his life. Apart from a couple of days before the next session he has to manage this for almost the two full weeks. Just seven more rounds to go. We can only pray that it will erase this beast from our lives. Thinking of you all. Oh, and Gretchen...belated Happy Birthday!

[mikesmomrs]

I am visiting tonight with a tear-filled heart...I am sorry to bring my troubles here, all here are dealing with so much, but where else would I find the comfort and understanding I need right now, but here, with my family." Things have been very hectic here over this past week and I have not had time to come and post about current events with my sister's health. As you all know, a few months ago, she was gravely ill, and since then has only made intermittent, brief gains that soon find her depleted again. And now, my beautiful sister, Dorothy, my brave, strong, lovely and graceful sister is gone from this plane...I pray she was met by her children (for those of you who are new, my sister lost four of her five children in a fire, in 1975...they were 8 yo Gene, 10 year old Sam, 12 year old Susan and 14 year old Thomas) and husband and is now basking in the glory of their love and that of the Lord. This wonderful woman so very much deserves a final resting place that is glorious, pain free, and comfortable. I love you so much dear sister and you will be in my heart always. Thank you for being my "sister/mom" and for loving me so generously and gently. You were a gift to us all. Rest in peace Dorothy, and give my two Mikes hugs for me, would you? I ask for prayers and good thoughts for our family...Dorothy was a "regal" presence amongst us commoners (sibs)...nothing that SHE initiated herself...she just "was" and it emanated everywhere she went. Dorothy and our SIL Elizabeth went to a "glamour shoot" photo shoot at the community in Florida where they spent winters, and when Dorothy walked in, the photographer said "You don't need any fixing up, ma'am. Just sit down the way you are!" Sending my love to all here, and know that you are always in my prayers and my heart.

[mikesmomrs]

Kate...you were posting as I was, and I want to wish Ross good luck with this new round of chemo...Are they giving him medication for the nausea? Zofran is the one used by young Mike and hubby Mike, and it helped a lot, thankfully. My thoughts will be with both of you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol, I am so sorry to hear this sad news. I am sending love your way. You have had so much to carry on your plate this past several years. I am sure your beautiful free spirited sister is indeed now in the arms of the Angels. AND surrounded by the loving presence of your dear men. Please know that I am here if you would like to talk. PM me at any time. Sending a huge HUG. Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Carol I am hopeless on this thing. Thank you for thinking of us at such a difficult time. Ross has been given anti nausea, anti bloating, anti heartburn, etc. He sleeps so much of the time and is still losing weight. His spirits remain high and he is trying to stay positive. I am fighting back the fear of seeing his weekly decline in appearance. They say he is making progress. Yet he appears to be getting worse to me. The anti nausea pill is called Prochlorperazine. He can take every four hours as needed.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Friends - Sandy, I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much. When my brother passed away in 2002 my sister-in-law refused to put a stone in - my parents were devastated from losing him and then to not be able to have any say in the headstone added more grief....finally after 2 years we all got together and bought a stone, my dad designed it and we had it made and set...sister-in-law was very happy!!! she said she just could not afford one so that is why she didn't do it -why not just say so instead of putting my parents through such pain!! I agree with all here that you need to talk to cemetery, they will have the answer you seek and you will be able to visit. I work for the Human Services Department here and they have an Adult Day Care where they pay what they can afford, some pay two dollars a day, some pay more, they are transported by the transportation bus to the center and home again from 9 to 2:30 Monday through Friday.....there are many special needs adults that come. I do not understand why you have to pay so much that you can not afford to take your hubby anymore - that is so awful and my heart breaks for you both...The move can traumatize you especially with the situation with the dog. I am keeping you both in my prayers and calling on all Angels to surround you with some peace. Thank you for the comments on our house, yes I love, love the big windows....the one to the right is Tavian's room, the middle the living room and the left is our bedroom. It is so big and spacious I am having a wonderful time decorating. Jesse's Mom - 7 years is at times more than I can bare, there are times when it feels like one day and other's it feels like forever since I saw her beautiful face and heard her laughter....I have learned to live again, my hubby and I now call our lives "Life after Jessica" as we were forever changed that night we got the knock on the door. I still have my days and always will but I try hard to live the way I know she would have wanted me too, to be as happy as I can be, smile as I drift away on my beautiful memories and most of all to raise her son Tavian as she would have, I always pray that I can be as wonderful a mommy (Mi-Mi) to him as she was. Dee - I am happy that you found your way to where you needed to go....always thinking of you my friend and teacher... I will say good nite and pray for peace, strength and love to all

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I really wanted to share this. I was going to start out this post with... You might think I'm crazy but...

Then I read Gretchen's post about Forest's stars. Gretchen, thank you for sharing that.

And I realized no one here will think I'm crazy.

My Grandmother came today to spend some time with my boys. It gave me a much needed chance to be alone. I took my coffee outside and the first thing I see is this big beautiful butterfly on my screen door. It was black with lots of blue. I went to the wooded area in my back yard with my book (one recommended to me yesterday by a friend called, Hello From Heaven). I sat at the table under the trees and started to read. A Butterfly flew right past me. It was a beautiful yellow and black. After that it was one butterfly after another. Some of them were as big as small birds. They just kept coming. Some even stopped and rested long enough for me to get some beautiful pictures. My Grandma and my youngest came out to join me later and they were still coming. My Grandma was amazed and just kept saying, "Thank you, Trista". I am an outside person. I spend most of my time from spring to when winter sets in outdoors. I can honestly say we have never had so many butterflies in my yard at one time. Big beautiful butterflies.

At one point there was a tiny lavender butterfly that kept dancing around me. I got up and walked around the yard and it followed me everywhere. I remembered a few weeks ago, my sister and my niece were here, and there was a butterfly just like it. It was flying all around us and my sister said, "I wonder if that's from Trista?". Just then it landed on my niece's toe. She and Tris were so very close. We said, "Yep, that's from Tris."

So, as this little Butterfly was dancing around me and following me around the yard, I said outloud, Hello, Little One. If you are from Trista, come land on my toe like you did for Dani." Immediately it flew down and landed on my toe. I couldn't move. I didn't want to scare it away. Eventually it flew off. I felt my Trista all around me.

The butterflies continued all day. I couldn't even begin to count. Then I looked into the field behind my house. There was this little fawn just watching me. I sent it some love energy so it knew I wouldn't harm it and started reading my book. I looked up and it was gone. A couple hours later there it was again, watching me.

Then my sister called to tell me that my niece had gone to the pool with some friends but was having a hard time. She kept missing Trista and then a song from Trista's services came on the speakers that they pipe out over the pool. It's not a new song. She said they never play that type of music there and that she just knew it was Trista. She called her mom from the pool and said, "You need to call Aunt Shannon right away. I just feel she needs to hear this.

A few minutes later my brother called. He asked how my day was and I started to tell him about the butterflies and the fawn. He stopped me and said, "A fawn?? Are you serious?"

He told me how he was driving the company van to a job just around the corner from our house. He was driving slow looking for house numbers so it was no danger to him but all of a sudden a little fawn leapt out onto the road. He said he and the fawn made eye contact and he just had this happy, peaceful feeling wash over him. He said just that quickly the fawn darted across the road and disappeared. He said he sat there and waited because he's never seen a fawn that a Doe didn't follow shortly after but none came so eventually he moved on.

After that I was on my deck. It is surrounded by trees with only a very small view of the sky. I was pacing around and just absorbing how magical the day was. I was mentally thanking Trista for such a magical day. I look up and in the only spot where the sky is fully visible there is a small rainbow. It wasn't a complete arch. It was a small rainbow jumping from one white fluffy cloud to another. Think Care Bears. Not a drop of rain in the sky. I yelled for my Grandma to come look. She got there just in time before it faded away. I was able to snap a picture of it.

We were both sitting here lost in our own thoughts about the Magic of the day and my Grandma says, "I wonder what she'll do for a finale". I thought to myself, "I think we just saw it". Then we look up and a heart shape cloud goes floating by us.

I am so glad she was here or I would probably think I was crazy.

It was a Trista Magical Day.

I love You, Trista Mae.

[Mermaid Tears]

My My...Trista Mae.....yes...a magical day you gave your Mom and Loved Ones...and in the only way that is special to you and them...Thank you Baby Girl.....so soft and sweet are your loving ways...

[517958]

Trista's mom - Yes all of those were from Trista. I have gotten so many little nudges from my Charlotte starting even on the day of her funeral. For many months I told myself that I was crazy and trying to have some pathetic relationship with my child by imagining that these things were from her. But over time, I've realized they are too numerous to count and couldn’t be coincidences. I could almost fill a book (or at least a chapter) on the ways she lets me and our whole family know she's with us.

[Jeff's Mom]

I am visiting tonight with a tear-filled heart...I am sorry to bring my troubles here, all here are dealing with so much, but where else would I find the comfort and understanding I need right now, but here, with my family." Things have been very hectic here over this past week and I have not had time to come and post about current events with my sister's health. As you all know, a few months ago, she was gravely ill, and since then has only made intermittent, brief gains that soon find her depleted again. And now, my beautiful sister, Dorothy, my brave, strong, lovely and graceful sister is gone from this plane...I pray she was met by her children (for those of you who are new, my sister lost four of her five children in a fire, in 1975...they were 8 yo Gene, 10 year old Sam, 12 year old Susan and 14 year old Thomas) and husband and is now basking in the glory of their love and that of the Lord. This wonderful woman so very much deserves a final resting place that is glorious, pain free, and comfortable. I love you so much dear sister and you will be in my heart always. Thank you for being my "sister/mom" and for loving me so generously and gently. You were a gift to us all. Rest in peace Dorothy, and give my two Mikes hugs for me, would you? I ask for prayers and good thoughts for our family...Dorothy was a "regal" presence amongst us commoners (sibs)...nothing that SHE initiated herself...she just "was" and it emanated everywhere she went. Dorothy and our SIL Elizabeth went to a "glamour shoot" photo shoot at the community in Florida where they spent winters, and when Dorothy walked in, the photographer said "You don't need any fixing up, ma'am. Just sit down the way you are!" Sending my love to all here, and know that you are always in my prayers and my heart.

Carol, thinking of you today and keeping you in my prayers. Kate

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos, some of you may remember me, my name is Jenn and I lost my 15 year old daughter Brianna in July 2009.

I see some familiar faces and also some new ones, which makes me sad. For me, there is no news more devastating than hearing of another mother who lost her child.

In November I was blessed with my first grandchild, a precious baby girl, and she is truly the light of my life. She makes my heart smile again. My daughter and son in law named her Marlee Marie (for their mutual love of Bob Marley--the middle name comes from my Brianna)

My youngest daughter will be a senior when school starts next month and I am having a very difficult time with it. Empty nest has set in already for me. I find myself in tears wondering where all the years have gone. I know I have to let her go, she has goals to accomplish in this world, but it is so bittersweet. I have been raising children for 25 years, my whole identity has been MOM. I don't know what's to become of me now, it's a little scary quite frankly.

In May, my boyfriend's sister lost her 8 year old daughter after a 5 year battle with neuroblastoma and I have found myself being somewhat of a mentor to her. She is my age and we have known each other for many years (small town life) I tell her things that I have learned from here and I'm sure I come across as being very wise to her, when the truth is I am still taking tentative steps in my own grief journey. Still, I cannot turn my back on another grieving mother, even if we just sit and cry together.

Carol--what a joyous reunion for your sister and her precious children she lost so long ago, it brings tears to my eyes thinking of the Heavenly welcoming committee there to greet her--but at the same time I am so sorry for your loss.

I am including a pic of me and my sweet granddaughter Marlee.

Love and light to all,

Jenn

[ericasmom]

Hi Angela, so good to see you here, that lovely face of Charlotte...yes, the day of the funeral and for us even the days leading up to Eri's leaving and the actual day...she was letting us know throughout it all. MAGICAL GRACE.

Shannon, the day belonged to Trista, her goal to let you all know that she is more than fine, she is free and able to be with you in all new ways. Oh it does not stop our missing them, but it sure goes a long way to feeling the absolute blessing from our Angels. She surely blessed you and let you know that she will always be near.

Kate, did I mix your day up with Gretchens?

Gretchen, Happy Birthday to you!

Sandy, so many prayers said in the night for you and such good advice here from others, maybe there is a pay as you can factor. May I ask, do any of your people, family, know you are struggling with all of this?

Carol, your Dorothy, your lovely sister, watching you from her new home with her Children, with your Child and your husband. And she is made complete now. Love you as you face this new loss.

[Guest]

..

[tobyfreefoot]

carol--i am at a loss except to perhaps feel relief that your loving sister has rejoined her children. i am so sorry you have so much grief to bear. know we all love you and think of you often. you have helped us all so many times.

shannon what a beautiful day to read about this morning! i'm so happy for you!

angela i too thought i was trying to have a pathetic relationship with forest. now days more times than not i am willing to breathe in and try to feel some peace and love and connection.

maybe i'll just create my own magical world. i don't know. in the end i guess whatever soothes our souls but there does seem to be some cosmic thread. forest was absolutely an atheist and scientific through and through but he loves me soo much i think he would willingly throw in his belief system to comfort me. so...

i'm reposting this because it gives me solace and may help someone else. i realize that most of you have religious faith to draw on but even so the scientific truths here can only add stronger conviction and hopefully help you find joy in knowing these things and applying them to your daily life of gathering strength from the impact your child has had not only on you but on the world at large.

You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

And at one point you'd hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

And you'll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they'll be comforted to know your energy's still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you're just less orderly. Amen.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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