Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Vanessa, I am so sorry to hear this very tragic news. I am sorry that you are in this terrible position to lose two brothers and I am at a loss for words for your Dad. Please send him my thoughts if you can. There can be no bigger shock and now your folks and you have had it twice. Prayers are being said and sent. Please know that we appreciate your standing here for your Dad, so dear of you.

Peace one day

[Jeff's Mom]

Vanessa. we are all so sorry for this terrible loss you have suffered. Please know that we are keeping everyone in our thoughts and prayers. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Dear Vanessa....sometimes on this site....even though we all have the common thread of grief that binds us.....someone will post something that truly takes my breath away...and my heart constrict...and your story did that....please...know...many on here will say many prayers..for you and yours....I cannot wrap my thoughts around losing two sons...I have lost one...and it is simply all I can carry now...I do hope you and yours have a circle of love and support around you...for you will need hands and hearts of support to hold you at this time..blessings to you and your parents. Please come back and let us know how you are doing and tell us about your brothers...

[Joshsmom6613]

Dee - What a great poem about just breathing and the shock that sits around the corner. Perfect description. I feel that every day. It is without a doubt the hardest thing to accept is that Josh was here only a short time ago, laughing and telling stories and now that's just a memory. It takes my breathe away each time I think of him and how there will be no more...ever.

Laurie - I had a situation just the other day where someone who just has never been very good with words ought to just keep their mouth shut said to me..."Well at least your son didn't die of suicide or an overdose, at least he died doing something he loved." Uhm right...driving home on his motorcycle at 10:30 pm after playing softball and having a beer, not in a million years thinking tonight he would die. People just don't think sometimes especially when the gravity of the situation isn't something they could possibly understand unless they've been through it. Sometimes you have to find a forgiveness for them and just walk away.

Vanessa - I am praying for your family. No one should ever have to go through losing one child, let alone two. We are praying and lifting them up for strength and peace. I have lost one brother two cancer while my Mom was alive and the other brother I'm sad to say is on the edge looking over because of his alcoholism/addiction.

This weekend was ok but "sucked" for lack of a better word because we pulled the Dish box out of Josh's room to send back to Dish. We also sent the paper work off for transfer of title for his motorcycle so we can get it paid off. It was like we are accepting defeat. The unfairness of it all overwhelms me so often and I feel guilty for allowing thoughts of why my son and why not someone like my brother. I get so angry sometimes and then it turns into nothing but a wave of hot, stingy tears followed by a stuff nose and a migraine. I know I need to let my emotions flow but I'd like to get off this roller coaster please.

Josh was the roller coaster lover. He liked the thrill of anything. He just loved being around people, playing baseball and living in general. Life was an adventure for him and I dearly wish we had joined him more often on his adventures. But we are the oldest living 40 year olds I know. I promised myself that I won't do that any more with our daughter. We are taking chances and doing more things rather than sitting around the house. I'm not going to jump out of a plane which was one of Josh's wishes for himself or bungi jump off anything but maybe a little more living than warming the couch. I've started compiling a list of the gifts that my son gave us. Not physical gifts like for birthdays or Christmas as one would think but things he left us with to remember him by. As heart-breaking as it is to remember, I feel like it's important and this will continue for as long as I can remember how he touched our lives. Here are just a few I'll share:

• Laughter - you know the saying, live well, love much, laugh often - that's what he did for us - he made us laugh a lot with his mischievious grin and his crazy stories
  
• Adventure - Josh loved to go, go, go. Float trips, family trips, movies, bonfires, baseball/softball, just always doing something
  
• Love - Josh loved and gave his all to so many people. Josh brought home some many kids growing up that needed some kind of help, asking us to open our doors to help them.
  
• He made me a Mom - even though Josh had a biological mom (she wasn't in his life like a mom), I raised him with Josh's father from the time he was 2. I
  
• was grateful to him for loving me all these years and showing me the most important thing I could ever do in this life is be a parent. He loved me unconditionally and I him...I would still give my life for his if God would allow it.
  

Thanks for listening and a prayer for God's peace to all.

[Guest]

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[daveydow1]

Laurie----I'm sorry that your husband found out about the girl who hit

your son and caused his death. Things like this are like knives to the heart.

I, too, hope that she faces punishment by the law. She may never know (or care)

the heartache, devastation, and lasting sorrow she has caused your family......

I'm sorry. I have a pressure cooker, and hope to try your suggestion for the

green beans/and pre-cooked bacon. Sounds yummy, and I bet that your

Gram had lots of people hoping for an invitation to supper when she made

this meal. Peace to you.

Dee----

Lovely pink ERi-Clouds. Nice bike ride. It must have been a nice

evening. When I lost the post, I had written about dreams. I, too, have had

about 7 or 8 dreams of David since his death. How I wish & hope for a dream,

but you know how that is rather ineffective (hoping)........the dreams come as they may,

but we're always elated when a nice little dream comes along.....who knows when.?

I remember posting a couple yrs. ago about how I had not had a dream of baby

Lisa in perhaps ...decades...and had subconsiously given up that I would ever

have one of her. Then, one night she appeared in a dream to me......with her

back turned to me, and she had on a little white dress with a button at the top back

of the dress. In the dream, I buttoned the button, and kissed the back of her

little neck. I'll never forget that dream which happend so very long after her

death.....least expected, but a treasure to keep.

Vanessa------I do remember your dad, David, and the sorrow he expressed of

losing your brother, Josh. He expressed fear that he would lose Gregg too.

Now.....I cannot even imagine the devastation and pain that your family is going

through, and I'm so very sorry for your loss of Gregg. Please come back, if you can.

As someone said, there will be many prayers for you, your dad, and the family in this time of

pain and despair. Peace to you.

Newbie6613------

I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Josh, in a motorcycle

accident. Sometimes people can really say dumb and hurtful things. It's like

they blurt out words without thinking how they will affect a person who is

grieving. It is part of the journey we're on to feel anger at times.....especially

in the early years on this road. It all seems so unfair, I know. I've felt like this

many times. My son was killed by a semi-truck (going 60 mph) in an over-ride collision......

(the truck driver was sleeping.) I hope that you can come back, and tell us about

your dear son, Josh, when you feel you can. He must have been a young man

who was very well-liked, with lots of friends. Peace & prayers, friend.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Sending prayers to David, Catherine and family. Thinking of everyone.

[Mermaid Tears]

been reading..saying prayers to all and for all....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sending prayers of healing for you and your family, Vanessa. My heart aches for you all.

Josh's Mom, everyone here understands how you feel about the thoughtless things people can say. My thoughts and prayers are with you. This is such a hard journey but there is love and understanding here.

Laurie, I know that was hard for you and your husband to hear. All these things are so painful. Thinking of you.

Lora, I'm so glad you are having this time with your son. Like you said, we have to be here for our surviving children and I'm sure this time with you means so much to him.

Dee, I'm glad your walk was beautiful with Eri Pink clouds. Thank you so much for sharing your poems. You captured the feeling perfectly again.

My heart is heavy tonight. One of my Trista's best friends is in the hospital. Trista was very supportive to her and she said she feels like she has no one now. There is a much longer story to this but I am so exhausted right now. Any prayers or healing thoughts would be so appreciated.

Thinking of you all with Love, Shannon

[Sholl1955]

Vanessa, I am praying for your entire family. I am so sorry for the loss of another brother and son for your parents.. Carol, I am sorry about your sister. You have had so many losses in such a short period of time. The heart in your tree is so beautiful and a wonderful message from your husband. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone here. Sandy

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Laurie, no timetables here, we go through the stages in non-linear ways, acceptance is not a requirement, it is something we get to after a long time, or we don't. Keep looking to the sky for the connection to your Beloved.

Lora, how nice for you and your Boy, sharing this precious time before he leaves for his next chapter on his adventure. His Chicago connection is here if needed. Take some time to rest when you can, this has been a jam-packed time for you.

Josh's Mom, I am so sorry for this sadness in your life. I am sorry too that someone spoke and stupid came out...mean of me I know, but really, that just is sad. If she only realized how many kids leave this world in all the ways she outlined and then some, not because they are bad kids or have bad parents, just because. Does she realize she is saying that parents who lose a child to drugs or suicide have to feel ashamed on top of grief? And that parents whose kids were killed by cars, trucks, trains, sickness, are a step above the others? Goodness, may she never know.

Do tell us more about Josh and You and how you are...don't worry about knowing our names it will come to you over time.

Shannon, prayers are being said for Trista's good friend. I hope that she sleeps tonight and Tris tells her she is needed here for others, and gets the help she needs.

Sherry, I love your dream of Lisa, I remember when you first shared that dream, I was so glad that you hold it close to your heart.

[tobyfreefoot]

vanessa--i'm sorry to hear of your family's new loss. i do remember your dad also. my heart goes out to you too, my own children are still struggling with their brother's death as i know you are and now again. i am so very, very sorry

josh's mom--i'm glad to read the things your son loved. i know how much it means to me to tell people about my son and to see his name typed by someone else. so whenever you would like to tell us more i will be gladly listen and help keep his vibrancy alive. my son was killed when his girlfriend fell asleep at the wheel and went under a parked semi at 67 mph. 2 years and the shock of that officer coming to my house still makes me yell "no" involuntarily sometimes. it sucks is barely adequate huh.

shannon--i'm sad to hear of trista's friend. my daughter went through this for several years, was in and out of the hospital and self destructive. send her my love if you can, let her know she is a worthwhile person and believe it or not if she can stay alive for just a few more years she will probably surface from the dark waters long enough to see there is a world out there and hopefully she will see she has an important place in it.

sherry-- i am always glad to see you.

everyone thinking of all of you

[daveydow1]

Laurie-----I'm so glad that you had a dream of Jessie David, and

so nice that you could give him a hug. You may sometime get a

dream of baby Taylor....just when you least expect it. It must

have been close to 30 yrs. (or more) when I had the dream of Lisa.

I know we cannot make a dream happen by wishing...(or we would all

wish that).....but they appear at random, it seems, and they are

indeed a golden treasure to hold close to our hearts......just as you

are holding the dream of Jesse David in your heart for all time.

Kate-----Thinking of you.....prayers for your husband.

Carol-----continuing to send prayers

Shannon----

Sorry to hear of the girl who was Trista's best friend,

who is in the hospital. Bless her heart... the dear girl.....and sending up prayers

that she will get the help she needs to make progress.

Lora----So nice that you had the opportunity to spend time with your son

before his move to Chicago. Sometimes, in all the flurry of doing all

the necessary things to prepare for a move, time flies by, and the chance

to spend quality time together is past. So glad that you had that time.

Peace to you.

Gretchen----Thanks for your kind words. I remember the nice pics

you posted of Forest's headstone......the lovely, and unique design.

Dee----Lots of work around here now......busy time of year. Hope to get

away for a few days soon, but not sure if that can be worked out. My

husband is "on a mission" to get rid of the groundhog that has taken up

residence (again) under our tool shed. We must get rid of it before

there are more groundhogs......they are very destructive under buildings

and in fields, and multiply so quickly. Great fun !!!

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, the groundhog has your Hubby trying out all of the tricks hu? They can be a bother I know over the years you guys have had to flush them out. Around here we have these three lined squirrels, you know chipmunks? Well as tiny and adorable as they are, they too are destructive digging tunnels somehow in the cement stairs on peoples porches, digging up trenches under patio bricks popping the bricks out...there are so many of them too.

I hope that the busy season goes well and that you find some time for a getaway.

Tonight my niece Katie had to have an appendectomy. She is doing well, but I always like to ask for extra prayers to help aide the healing. Thanks. Several of us in my family had to have ours out, me at age 19, three weeks later my sis at age 22, and my other sis at age 40 but it really was something else that caused the inflammation for her.

What a quiet day on this thread today. I hope that Everyone is sleeping deeply and that you have a great day tomorrow.

[Sholl1955]

It is now time to create a new life. I don't know how to do that. My life has been devoted to my girls and their families. Sarah is gone. Rachel has pulled away but I hope to have my beautiful daughter back one day. I don't see my grandbabies daily now. I can go to work and do well and stay focused, but the minute I get in the car and start home the black cloud surrounds me and it is hard. I am caring for my husband to the very best of my abilities and will continue to care for and love him. But what am I going to do to define who I now am. I am certainly not the person I was before March 14th 2012. I would like to just fade away, but I have responsibilities that I can't turn my back on, but how do I go about living in a world that is turned so upside down? The only thing I know is to hold onto my faith and take it one day at a time. The family and friends who have walked away because grief is uncomfortable for them cant help. I wonder if they ever think that life may be very lonely after they walk away? Those who I thought would be with me forever. I am tired. Forgive me for dumping. I just needed to vent to those who care. Sandy

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Mermaid Tears]

Sara's Mom....am holding you...and I, too, feel a betrayal...it seems that all around me have failed me....I have done it all...and now...they just 'stop'.....wish I could do that...gee....all I asked for was for them to create the music for the boat I charted to scatter the ashes....oh no...they don't know....'what ..how..' to create....am having to go ahead...with all of it...so.....I had to create all the CD's.....they know what music he loved....a bunch of weenie heads I am thinking...am so mad..angry...and I have such a burden....will leave tomorrow for Port "a'.....I even had to transfer his ashes to the biodegradable urn...all by myself....my husband ran to the bedroom....I did it....and I asked for strength...composure....grace....and got it done....I wish I had a man to stand beside me as strong as my Dad and Grampa....well...maybe they were with me....I did it all in great style.

[ericasmom]

They indeed were with you, as your Son stands beside you too, his hand on your shoulder guiding you and loving you. I am sorry Susan that the whole memorial was left for you to do, but I can't help but think that the others felt they would pale in comparison to your efforts. It isn't fair, but it is going to be a beautifully orchestrated event that honors that Boy of your dreams, and you may even feel that doing this on your own felt like it strengthened something in you. You are a force my friend.

Sandy, no, those who leave us in the dust of our sadness have no idea nor do they want to, of what a lonely life it can be when you lose a child. I do so hope that you will have a relationship of love with Rachel again and I hope you can see the grandgirls more, I know you are the caretaker for your husband...but yes, how do we define ourselves as the changes in life leave you feeling so alone? You are a woman of great heart and faith. This trying time will one day move to smoother waters, and along that way, you will discover more about you adn who you are now. Blessings to you and venting? we need to vent, it helps us to stay strong in the face of so much.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Sandy,

Thinking of you and sending love and prayers. This can be such a hard, lonely journey. That's one of the reasons I am so glad I found this "place" and have all the support from all of you here.

Gretchen, Dee, Sherry and everyone who sent thoughts and prayers for Trista's friend, Thank you. She is doing better. Such a hard road and these teenage years can be so tough under the best of circumstances.

Laurie,

Thank you for suggesting that site. Aiden and I looked at it together yesterday. I played around on it myself. Very neat.

Susan, my thoughts are with you as you put this event together to honor Son. I'm sorry you feel alone during this. I'm sure your Grandpa and Dad were there with you and are so proud of your strength.

Dee, I'm sending prayers for you neice, Katie.

Today has been a tough day so far. I got an e-mail this morning from our attorney stating that she expected to have the crash report sometime today so I'm just waiting. Today is also 8 years since my first husband, Terry passed. I have also been worried about Trista's friend in hospital and hoping she is feeling stronger. And of course, my mind has been on Trista. For some reason today I have been thinking of my Grandpa. Trista was so close to him. He loved so her so very much. He passed when she was 11 years old and it was very hard on her.

I was looking through some of Trista's things just a little while ago. Thinking of Her. Wondering if she is with Grandpa and hoping desperately that she is, knowing that he would care for her like no one else. Worrying about her friend. I came across a little Day Planner she had. I've looked in it before. It was empty. I remember being somewhat disappointed that it didn't even have her handwriting in it. It was unused. I almost put it to the side but something told me to open it again. Inside, right in the front where there was no way I could have missed it before, were two pictures and a little book Trista had made. The two pictures were of Trista and Grandpa, one when she was about 2 years old and one from when she was a little older. In both she was on his lap and you can see the love between the two of them. I know those were meant for me today. The little book was something she had made for her friend that is struggling right now. I don't know when she made it but she must have not had the chance to give it to her. It is so sweet and I was able to see the love my Girl had for her friend. It's going to be hard to give it up but I think I was meant to find it today and it is for her friend.

It's entitled Things To Do/Remember When You Want to Silence the World

1) Tea is calming and tastes better when warm.

2)Long walks clear the mind and provide an escape from bad thoughts.

3)Flowers are beautiful and so are you!

4)There's at least one person out there who would do anything for you even if you don't know it.

5)Stop thinking and enjoy the stars.

6)Take a helium balloon and stand outside. Pretend the balloon is your pain and sadness, Now let go of the balloon and as it floats to the sun imagine all your bad feelings are going with it.

7)Draw, write, paint... do anything to get your thoughts down on paper and out of your head.

8)Raindrops fall in groups. They fall but never alone.

9)Loneliness is only temporary. I promise.

10)Find inspiration and don't let go!

11)Wear long skirts

12)Build a fort and just lay in it for awhile.

13)Remember I love you.

This book is complete with her own illustrations! I love it. I thought I would share because some of these things are good for us all.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

And there she is, TRISTA, the girl made of Sun-Rays warming us all as she reaches out to help her friend. Amazingly old-soul-advice, she just lifted us each and you for sharing it. I think that it is a gorgeous gift for the young lady in the hospital. Maybe you can make a copy on a copier machine, just to keep a piece of it.

Love that Grandpa was there in the day planner, sitting with his little Trista.

[Jeff's Mom]

Sarah, the biggest question that we all on this site have had to ask ourselves. "Where do I go from here." One that takes tremendous effort and personal strength to answer. We are all in the same boat, but would gladly pass this along. Patience with yourself. Time, and finding an inner peace will all help to get you going in the right direction. The rest will slowly fall into place as the pain softens. Dee, I hope that Katie will make a speedy recovery. I imagine that you will be busy getting ready for the return to classes soon. Sherry, how did the canning go? Have you had a good season and good crops? Susan, I too planned Jeff's funeral alone. As he died just prior to Christmas we decided to hold the memorial the following summer when it had warmed up. We wanted to hold a portion of it outdoors. I spent many months pouring over the actual decisions. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and happiness in knowing that I was trying to give my son the best possible send off that I could. My husband was in too much pain and felt confident in my decision making. I am sure your memorial will be lovely. Well, this is a very cloudy and somewhat cool day today. We are getting ready for the big August long weekend that sees our small town host the Icelandic Festival. I certainly hope that the weather improves. Hubby had an iffy week. Side effects were a little more unpleasant. I can not wait for this to end. Six more to go. Thinking of everyone, and sending love and good wishes. Kate

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I took your advice and copied the book. The original will go to the person it was meant for but I will get to keep this beautiful reminder of who my Trista is too.

I want to say again how thankful I am for everyone here. You all have become so important to me.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

Dee,

I took your advice and copied the book. The original will go to the person it was meant for but I will get to keep this beautiful reminder of who my Trista is too.

I heard from the attorney. The crash report is in. I know what happened. It hurts and now I have to decide how to forgive if I even can. This is so hard. The prosecuting attorney wants to meet with us next week to explain the process to us and ask our thoughts on charges. I don't know what my thoughts are. My head is spinning.

I want to say again how thankful I am for everyone here. You all have become so important to me.

Shannon

Shannon, perhaps you should consider too, making scanned images of all the pages,and or images...that way you can use the images for multipurposes.....web sites, cards, or a virtual scrapbook....if you scan them in at least 300 dpi it will be the best for printing..... you can always resize them smaller later...

Your Trista is a very special girl....to think of another even when she was having such anxiety herself....

*****************************************************

I like her number 8:

Raindrops fall in groups, they fall but never alone....

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Susan, traveling mercies to you as you find your way to the location of the memorial. I wish you great weather and peaceful hearts.

Shannon, cool that you have the copy now, it would be hard for me to give the original if I could not keep a remnant of some sort from it.

Remember as you feel this pressure from the lawyers, you do not need to make a decision now and not tomorrow either. You will need to listen to what they have to say and weigh that against your gut instinct, and maybe what your Son's feel about it and Trista's Father if he is involved. But essentially, you can find out how much time you can have to think about it after they present the information, and then you give yourself that time if it is needed.

This is going to be tough, but there will be some relief when you do find your feelings on this. I am with you.

Laurie, My niece is doing well, she is up and around the hospital today and feeling better. I like number 8 as well, along with many others, but #8 really speaks to us all.

[Sholl1955]

Thank you to each of you for your words of caring and support. I am thankful for each of you. Sandy

[ericasmom]

We do change so in life, and when we go through a loss like those we have, we know that we have changed in ways that we cannot fathom, and yet, here we are. Some of what we cherish though, is preserved, no that does not take away the pain, but the fact that we got to develop what we did with our Child is reason for my heart to smile.

Who We Are

Memories take me by the heartstrings,

And guide me through the intricate maze

Of our lives together,

Where we were Momma and Sweetpea,

Where we learned about life through each other’s souls,

Where we cried from letting each other down,

and we laughed until we cried.

Where we began an adult relationship,

That felt so sweet,

All of it the fabric of who we were then,

A moment ago/ ten thousand years ago,

And who we will always be…

Deep in memory.

by dee conmy

If anyone needs a book on grief; A Broken Heart Still Beats by Anne McCracken and Mary Semel, both of whom lost a child. It is a very moving book with many short stories of loss and how each deals with it.

Thanks for your good wishes for my sweet niece, she is doing nicely.

[MissingB]

Hello all ~ I want to just say thank you for the nice comments when I first came on. I think the reason that I found and posted here is that my husband and I were about to face something that we were going to try to avoid but knew we couldn't. Much anxiety over a concert of all things. Our only son had been going to concerts with us since he was very young. Music has been a big connection in our lives as a family. All kinds of music - even the stuff that I gave him a bad time about that was just screaming and noise! :-) I'd so love to listen to some screaming and noise with him right now!!

Tonight has been a VERY hard night. My husband and I grieve so differently and tonight he was just feeling nasty because he is hurting to the core after last weekend. I really think he just wanted to feel better by making me hurt in a way that he could recognize and relate to. This is SOOOO hard. I love him but feel like I can't help and take on dealing with his grief when I am trying to cope with my own. And he doesn't see that I have a lot to handle with myself because I am not doing it the same way he does.

There is some history...my husband lost his only brother when he was 22, his dad at 26 (our son was a month old) and then his mom (lived with us and we cared for her to the end through alzheimers) when he was 43 and now our only son and he is 48. I can't imagine what it is to lose everyone but we still have each other and need to find a way to live for each other, and I feel, in honor of our sons memory. Right now, today, he doesn't see the point in anything - and as he told me tonight - even in living himself.

I have no answers...wondering if any of you have had to deal with grieving differently and how you coped in accepting this fact.

I am so thankful that I have this place to "speak" freely and hope that I can give back to each of you as I have stronger days to give back.

Peace

[MissingB]

Hello all ~ I want to just say thank you for the nice comments when I first came on. I think the reason that I found and posted here is that my husband and I were about to face something that we were going to try to avoid but knew we couldn't. Much anxiety over a concert of all things. Our only son had been going to concerts with us since he was very young. Music has been a big connection in our lives as a family. All kinds of music - even the stuff that I gave him a bad time about that was just screaming and noise! :-) I'd so love to listen to some screaming and noise with him right now!!

Tonight has been a VERY hard night. My husband and I grieve so differently and tonight he was just feeling nasty because he is hurting to the core after last weekend. I really think he just wanted to feel better by making me hurt in a way that he could recognize and relate to. This is SOOOO hard. I love him but feel like I can't help and take on dealing with his grief when I am trying to cope with my own. And he doesn't see that I have a lot to handle with myself because I am not doing it the same way he does.

There is some history...my husband lost his only brother when he was 22, his dad at 26 (our son was a month old) and then his mom (lived with us and we cared for her to the end through alzheimers) when he was 43 and now our only son and he is 48. I can't imagine what it is to lose everyone but we still have each other and need to find a way to live for each other, and I feel, in honor of our sons memory. Right now, today, he doesn't see the point in anything - and as he told me tonight - even in living himself.

I have no answers...wondering if any of you have had to deal with grieving differently and how you coped in accepting this fact.

I am so thankful that I have this place to "speak" freely and hope that I can give back to each of you as I have stronger days to give back.

Peace

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Missing B, there have been many conversations about how men and women grieve differently, and they do, they just do. Many marriages suffer for the differences and many couples go through some therapy or they go to grief groups where these differences are more evident. There is no wrong way to grieve Sweetie, unless you are hurting yourself or someone else. Emotionally speaking, your husband has been stripped of family. YOu have been stripped of family too, your Son, Sweet Boy, but also this husband is not as recognizable and you too, are not as recognizable to him. He has had more trauma after trauma and those repeated traumas can indeed bring on PTSD. I have PTSD from repeated trauma, and getting some assistance or even just reading about grief and how it can leave you with this feels important. No offense to men on the site, but men are more resistant on the whole, than women to seek help.

Tell us more about you when you can, about your Dear Son. We are here walking the same path, some of us further ahead on the road is all.

Lora, I always think of you and Shannon as neighbors for some reason, and the girls as good buddies. It is because they very much share some great qualities as the both of you do. I am here for your Boy if needed and I am very glad that that puts your heart at ease.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Holding you close Laurie. I know this is a hard time for you. You are not alone...you have us to lean on. Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

dee it is so nice to know you are there for lora's son. this indeed is a wonderful site.forest had wanted to go to school in florida but didn't want to be that far from home. when he died he was applying for a job setting up league of legends tournaments at colleges across the country. the home office was in california. he told me he was hoping to rent something cheap there for times he needed to be there and keep his full time home here in oklahoma. funny my 28 year old still so tied to me and his siblings...

shannon-i love everything that came to pass for you. i do hope trista's friend will believe trista is reaching out to help her right now, in the present and that she will always be there for her.

susan-i have had to do all all of forest's memorial things by myself also. in a way i feel good about it because who else could do it? yes they may know more about what music etc. but no one could love my son like i do and in a selfish way i didn't want to share the honor with anyone.

sandy-i am still turning slow circles trying to discover what i am to do in my new life. i just feel confused and wish i would quit feeling like i want someone out there to understand what i feel, what i will always feel, but i know they never will. i guess that is why it feels so lonely and why i keep returning to this site. you guys feel like my only friends sometimes.

i'm sorry for those of you facing the ordeal of confronting accident reports concerning the other driver. the driver (forest's girlfriend) in my case died also. i felt i had to forgive her on the spot. she was just a young girl, she fell asleep at the wheel trying to get into the rest area. unfortunately many of forest's friends still seem to have trouble forgiving her. i kinda thought her parent's might have said i'm sorry, or offered condolences but i guess they couldn't somehow.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Laurie,

I'm thinking of you. My heart is really with you right now as it seems we are going through such similar issues at the moment. We are to meet with the prosecuting attorney next week, however we found out today that things are not so cut and dry as they seemed yesterday. Such a roller coaster. I understand that sick feeling so well.

Lora, thank you for your kind words about my Trista. I have seen some similarities in our two Beautiful Girls too in some of the things you have written about Cara. Laurie has mentioned it too and I agree that somehow, on some level they knew.

Dee, thank you for sharing your poem and your kind words of support for the legal aspects of this. I'm so thankful that you share your support and experience the way you do.

Gretchen, the fact that Forest was so tied to you and his siblings shows a beautiful love for his family. Trista had one more year of high school and she always talked about "going away" but as it drew nearer she began to look at things closer to home and I felt good about that. Although, I think it had more to do with her little brother. I find that Trista's friends are having an even harder time with forgiveness than I am as well.

Missing B, My husband and I went through some horrible times in the very beginning and are still struggling now but it's getting better between us. We have gotten into counseling for ourselves individually with couples counseling every couple weeks. We also have gotten into a support group which has helped us realize that everyone grieves differently and given us contact with other people as a couple. We've only been there once and it is just the very beginning for us as we just lost our daughter, Trista, two months ago today. I just thought I would share with you the things we are trying and let you know I understand.

Thinking of you all today.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Laurie, I know that the information from the accident reconstruction folks is looming, but this is an important piece to you and it will help you in some ways. In other ways, it may feel like being back at the event that took Jessie, but we revisit those times when we are in legal battles more often than you will later on in life. I love what your husband wrote to Jessie, it is lovely, I love the picture it gave me of their hands working on wood and metal, together...cathartic words.

Happy Heavenly Birthday tomorrow Jessie, sit on your Momma and Daddy's shoulders and let them feel the jolt of energy that sometimes accompanies visits. Send them signs of you on this date that brought you to them, them to you.

[daveydow1]

Laurie----Oh, thanks so much for the lovely pic...so inspirational....and I

had never seen it before. You are right----this grief road , many times,

is a lonely one for sure. Others quickly begin to shy away or just keep

their distance....almost as if our tragedy is somehow contagious. I

think that the 'one day at a time' way is a good way to try and survive.

To look too far down the road.....especially this grief road.....can be just

too daunting. Peace to you.

Sandy----

I'm sorry that you are having what we call 'black hole days',

where the grief just comes crashing in like a rogue wave. I can relate

to what you said about keeping it all together in the workplace....doing

the job well etc., then just crying buckets of tears after the workday was

done. I did the same when I worked. I think that even though it is so difficult....keeping it toghether

at work.....shows you've made progress. Baby steps that we take. I hope & pray that

Rachael will somehow mend her heart enough to have a close relationship

with you again. Siblings have a unique grief process, just as men and

women tend to grieve differently. Sending prayers, friend.

Susan---I, too, think that your dear dad and Grampa was with you.....and

of course your dear son, John David, in doing all the music etc. for the

memorial. You showed great strength in proceeding with the plans and

bringing them about, when others let you down. Your disappointment

and anger at them is so understandable, but as Dee said......you did it

yourself.....you accomplished it....and there's something to be said about

the courage and dedication that you used to take this step ahead on

this rough road.

MissingB-----

I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son. I hope that you will

come back to this site, because it can be a lifeline, and a place to 'speak'

freely.....to vent....express loss, confusion, sorrow, and all the hundreds

of other emotions that hit when trying to find our way on this unwanted

road. When my baby, Lisa, died...years ago....my husband and I did the

same....grieved differently....it even caused a separation for some time.

We have done a bit better this time......after our son David's death in 2003.

We never dreamed we'd be traveling the road again, a second time. Sending

thoughts & prayers.....hope you will come back, friend.

Dee-----Oh.... those pesky chipmunks. They are indeed very distructive, and a

real nuisance. We've had them off and on. Out here, we use strong eradication methods.

They multiply so rapidly (groundhogs too) that one must take more drastic

means to get rid of them. Neighboring farmers shoot the groundhogs. These pests

make huge holes & tunnels, and can cause cattle, horses, or other stock to

break a leg if they happen to step in one. When that happens, there's no alternative

but to have the animal destroyed. So, that's why drastic methods must be used. We're animal

lovers, but not rodents. Sorry that your niece had to have an appendectomy.

Sending prayers for her speedy recovery.

PEACE AND COMFORT FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Sholl1955]

As I read all of the posts the one common thread we all seem to have is the loneliness and isolation that this journey has forced on each of us. It is a horrible feeling and wanting others to understand even though we know they cannot is so hard. But, I finally realize that in the midst of all of the loneliness and pain, I am not alone all of the time. I have each of you! When I feel like I cannot go on, I come here to those who really really understand. Sometimes I just read and don't have the energy to write , but I regain some energy just reading that others feel JUST.LIKE. I.DO. I don't have to try to explain it, I just share the feelings and pain and everyone gets it. And that means I am truly not alone ALL of the time. Thank you all for sharing, caring and for just being here. Sandy

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Sandy, my dear girl. We all hold you close. You are so right that we ALL get it. It is trying to take that "IT" and knowing what to do with it that keeps us in a void. My husband just turned on a movie called, "White Light". What can I truly say? Wish I could talk honestly. Thinking of everyone this Thursday evening. Carol, hope you will let us know how you are managing. Sending love and prayers for everyone. Love, Kate

[ericasmom]

Sandy, like Kate said, we are always holding you and each other through the days and nights. You don't have to explain because we get it, we know the exhaustion and the quiet that comes with this loss, the phone stops ringing, the invitations lessen, but the missing doesn't, the loss doesn't lessen. It will change over time, it will become something different as you go forward in this world, but the loss remains THE LOSS, and we build a life that includes this piece in our lives, because contrary to what many folks wish from us, we refuse to put our child away with the photo albums. Our Children LIVED, they made and make a difference every single day, to us and to many others too. Finding who we are after they left is an ongoing endeavor, but knowing who they are in our lives is solid. I am very glad that coming here reminds you that you are not always alone.

Sherry, yes I know, the drastic measures make some think that folks are not animal friendly but that is because they did not have to replace parts of their homes to the tune of hundreds or thousands of dollars. Good luck on the groundhog thing.

I do love what you said to Missing B, very beautifully put Sherry.

Sweet visits and dreams my Friends.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Jesse. Wrap your Mom and Dad in your LOVE today!

Laurie,

I loved what your husband wrote for Jesse. Such a beautiful love story between father and son. It brought tears to my eyes.

[ericasmom]

JESSE...

Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweetheart, loving your family as you always have, and feeling their love like you have always felt.

Laurie, I hope that you and your Husband and Daughter find ways today to honor Jesse and to honor the strength of each of you on this very hard journey.

[Guest]

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[Guest]

double post.

[tobyfreefoot]

JESSE DAVID JESSE DAVID JESSE DAVID

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

ON THIS DAY YOUR PARENTS RECEIVED THE MOST BEAUTIFUL OF GIFTS

AND SHARED IT WITH THE WORLD, IT IS A BETTER PLACE FOR IT. MAY YOUR LOVE FLOW THROUGH THEM TODAY.

[shellykut]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY JESSE DAVID! May you surround your family with the warmth that is your spirit. Give them a sign that you are well and happy! Laurie - wishing you and yours peace and comfort on this day that brought that beautiful boy into your lives!

[Jeff's Mom]

Laurie, thinking of you today as you remember your sweet young man Jesse. Wishing your family a day filled with loving memories.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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