Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

thank you everyone, for your kind thoughts and prayers. For the first time since my husband passed, I woke up this morning without my first thought being of him...it had been replaced with the thought of my sister. I pray she is being welcomed in a glorious way, surrounded by all of those she dearly loved who left this world before her. I know that her suffering in this life was great, and I pray that she now is in a new realm of joy. TRISTA'S mom: Oh, what wonder, what glorious heart-filling joy your sweet daughter sent to you. These are the things that happen and keep us going, help us to find breath, help us to find the strength to take another step when all we can think about is falling down in pain and never wanting to get up again. Thank you so much for sharing...it truly warmed my heart. Gretchen: I did enjoy your piece about energy...I rely on my faith that I have held close to me all of my life, but this piece that you posted has only added to that, certainly not detracted from it.

[mikesmomrs]

I don't know how my post just bounced into being posted, but somehow it did...perhaps that "energy" I was speaking of was working my fingers? :-) I had another thing I wanted to post...this happened a couple of weeks ago. We have a huge maple tree in our front yard and it had a lot to do with our being attracted to this house when we were house hunting almost 5 years ago. After we moved in, we fell in love with that tree...it offered beautiful shade in the summer, and promised new memories all winter as it lay dormant, baring its huge limbs to the world and showing us how powerful one can still be, even when stripped of all of our "finery." The day that my husband came home from the hospital, the day before he died, he had not been communicative for the previous 2-3 days and we knew he would likely be gone within hours, but it was his true desire to not die in the hospital and that is why we brought him home. When they took him out of the ambulance, he suddenly opened his eyes, looked around and his face lit up like a Christmas tree...they had parked the ambulance under the overhang of our beautiful tree, in its full bloom of August, and he recognized where he was. He turned his head towards the house, and even though he could no longer move his muscles enough to smile, you knew he was smiling as they wheeled him along the walkway and brought him in through the door. Over the next 10 minutes or so, he "woke up" (rallied, in medical speak, I guess) enough to recognize not only where he was, but that all of his grandchildren except one were there to greet him, that his daughters and myself were there as well. He actually lifted his hand and waved to the EMT's as they wheeled the stretcher out the door. He turned to me and said "Help" and indicated that he wanted his oxygen back on (he had kept pulling it off the night before in the hospital). He then greeted each child there, not with words, but by reaching out his hand to them and hugging them or holding their hand for a few minutes. His "rally" lasted for about an hour, then he went to sleep and never woke again. He left this earth the next morning, a bright and sunny day, as the breeze came and blew those branches outside of our living room window, next to his bed, and lifted his beautiful spirit to the heavens, releasing him from pain and life's sorrows, forever. A couple of months ago, I noticed there was a split beginning in this wonderful tree, one that could result in a lot of injury to anyone walking beneath it (and many do, as we are on the street where the community pool is) or someone driving beneath it at the time it broke off. I called an arborist to come and assess. He said he could "cable it" but couldn't promise anything because it was pretty heavy above the split, but it might give it another bit of time. I live in a community, so could not authorize the repair. The community management sent their own arborist and he said the tree should go, it was "a dangerous situation." I pled my case, and over the next few days more assessments were made and finally they agreed to only take off the part above the split, which was actually quite a bit, but not the whole tree, thankfully. The day they came to do the work, I was on tenterhooks, worried of what they would find and then have to actually take it down. They did find more damage, and had to do more cutting than planned, but they did not take it all down. When they were done, I walked over to see the results, tears in my eyes. When I got to the side where they had removed the limbs, my tears spilled over and my heart jumped. This is what I saw... At my daughter's suggestion, I am having this inscribed: Sorry for the long post, but my emotions currently don't allow for any brevity, even if I had any to begin with, and as most of you know, I didn't. :-) My love to all...holding you all close in my heart, as always.

[daveydow1]

Dear Carol-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear sister, Dorothy. May

she rest peacefully, and joyfully with her dear husband and children in God's heaven.

She surely has earned a good place there, with all the heartache she has endured

in her life, yet remained faithful. Her pic is lovely. Thanks for posting the pics.

Sending fervent prayers for you, my BI friend.

Dee----There was high winds, downed trees, and flooding in some areas

about 30-40 miles north, and also south of here. No reports of any tornadoes

touching down, though. It was very dark and threatening here, and our

neighbor sent one of his kids to tell us that there were tornado warnings---

which hadn't yet been alerted on t.v. (the dad is a volunteer fireman, and I

guess they had received info that there was warnings). We were lucky,

though.....her in this area, because it was just a strong storm, and no damage

from lightening or wind.....thank goodness. My-----8 ft. waves on Lake Michigan!

Yes....that is very dangerous for people to try and get in the water with the

currents underneath. It's to be very cool tonight here , too.

Jenn----Good to see your post, and sweet Brianna's smile. Bless her dear heart.

Kate----So sorry that your husband is so ill from the treatments. I hope that

the anti-nausea meds will help him. I remember when my dad was so ill

with all his chemo/radiation.......so very heart-wrenching to see a loved one

suffer such illness. Continuing to pray hard that Ross will improve. Peace

to you, my friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[tobyfreefoot]

carol!!!! lovely, perfect and there for everyone to see!

[mikesmomrs]

I couldn't find a really good pic of the tree, but wanted to post this so you can see it before it was "fixed," as they put it. The overhang covered our whole front yard and offered such beautiful shade...we still get some, thankfully, from what is left. And of course, the heart...so awesome. SHERRY: So glad that your area was spared any tornados...they can be so frightening. JENN: Good to see beautiful Brianna, and the baby is just gorgeous...you are blessed! LAURIE: I love the poem, truly beautiful. thank you for sharing.

[Mermaid Tears]

this was on FB....the Angel Cloud at Palm Beach....so pretty....thinking that this will warm a grieving heart...

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Stopping in to say hello.

Yesterday, we celebrated my 50th birthday. At 50, I look back and see where I am in life.

Of course I have times where different choices should have been made, but the loss of Brian is the moment where I was not in control. After many years of analyzing, there was nothing I could have done to stop Brian and his friends from screwing around with a vehicle.

Also, I think about this site everyday. My friends who walk this same road as me and my family.

Love

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Stopping in to say hello.

Yesterday, we celebrated my 50th birthday. At 50, I look back and see where I am in life.

Of course I have times where different choices should have been made, but the loss of Brian is the moment where I was not in control. After many years of analyzing, there was nothing I could have done to stop Brian and his friends from screwing around with a vehicle.

Also, I think about this site everyday. My friends who walk this same road as me and my family.

Love

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever

[Jeff's Mom]

Belated Happy Birthday, Colleen! All the Best. Kate

[ericasmom]

Colleen, Happy 50th. There are many birthday Moms here this month. I hope that your reflections are filled with the goodness of your choices in life...

No, we cannot take the responsibility of the actions that took our Kids, Lord knows that if we could have done one thing to make it different, we would have! Brian glows in the night sky, shining his love down like a thousand stars.

[tobyfreefoot]

happy birthday colleen i told brian's story to a young man just yesterday and believe it actually changed his mind about trying car surfing. sheer luck and not the grace of god kept two of mine from the same fate. as you know i had warned them but to no avail. this other young man is not my child so maybe that is why he paid more attention. kids are so hard wired to have fun. i just turned 57. all in all i'm happy with my choices. the loss of our children makes even the best choices now somewhat dull around the edges. think of you often and will continue to try to dissuade kids from dangerous good times so brian's life can help other youth.

[mikesmomrs]

Colleen, don't know if you saw my birthday wishes on your fb post, so just in case I HOPE YOU HAD A HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know that you certainly deserved it! I am glad that you came to the realization that there was nothing you could have done to stop Brian from doing what he wanted. I know that you went through a lot of pain and questioning your own actions, and I am so glad that you've come out with the thoughts that you have. Brian is so proud of you. Love to you.

[mikesmomrs]

just wanted to share a couple of pictures I made yesterday, trying to keep busy and keep my mind from destroying me as I pass through this new grief walk...I will make one for my sister today...haven't decided yet what format.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Happy Belated Birthday, Colleen!

Carol,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister but happy that she is reunited with so many loved ones.

The pictures you posted are beautiful. I love them. And the tree! Perfect! I love the idea of the inscription.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing that poem and the book.

Gretchen,

I really liked your piece on physics. I have read a couple books on how physics and spirituality actually compliment each other. I thought the piece you posted was beautiful.

Angela,

I have felt the same way about some of the messages I get from my Trista. During the moment I am receiving it there is such a feeling of connection and peace but after it's over it's easy to let my rational mind take over. I have decided never to question them. I will be thankful for every second that I can feel her Spirit all around me.

Dee,

Thank you for asking about my boys. Zak is doing ok. He seems to be handling things. He talks about Trista more now with lots of Remember whens which I think is a good sign.

Aiden had not been doing so well. For the past few weeks he has been very angry and demanding which is really not his temperament. He's usually so loving and happy most of the time. Anytime he would overhear anyone talking about Trista he would get angry. He stopped wanting to look at pictures. I would try to talk to him about her and about Heaven and it would make him angry. He's only 3 so it's so hard. I decided to back off and give him time and just give him all the love I can. A couple nights ago, after an especially hard day with lots of meltdowns, he woke up about 2:30 am. He sleeps with me so I woke up to him bouncing up and down on the bed. He was ecstatic! He kept saying, "She's Ok! She's Ok!" He told me, "She was here and her eyes are open! She says she loves us and she's all better from her bad accident!"

Whether it was a dream or Trista saw her brother hurting and came to help him, I don't know. What I do know is that for the past couple of days since this happened, I feel I have my boy back. He's been his happy loving self. At night as soon as it gets dark he is the first one to say it's time to light the candles in Sissy's garden. This morning he woke up and asked to go to her room to look at her pictures. Then he went to his room and found a pretty blue glass stone that we use for counting and sorting and asked if he could place it in Sissy's garden because it's her favorite color and she will love it. This isn't the first time he's "dreamed" of her and I have a feeling it won't be the last.

Shannon

[tobyfreefoot]

shannon--i hear so many stories of children seeing or talking to lost family members that it seems there must be something to it. it does sound like he had a "celestial" encounter which gives me hope. i am delighted it helped your little one if nothing else. it is so hard to see the kids struggle. mine are having some very hard times.

i'm glad you liked the physics piece. for myself i need to find a way to weave it all together and i found it very helpful. my spirituality is just that, mine, what i feel around blindly for, trying to decide what i believe. the more concrete facts of science ensure for me, whatever i believe this much i know is true and it is often enough to bolster my moral.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Gretchen,

I understand what you mean about your spirituality being yours. I feel the same way. I was raised in a tradition very different from my spirituality at this point in my life. I've always been a "searcher" and my concepts now I'm sure will change and evolve. This is something that is a very personal thing for each person I think. I too have leaned on the Science side as well as other things. One book I read called the Tao of Physics was very interesting. Just wish I understood more about physics!

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[ericasmom]

Hi All, we got home this afternoon, took a little bike ride and did some weeding at the school garden, went grocery shopping and maybe I will take a nap.

Shannon, I love that your Aidan saw his Sissy, she visited him, he even saw that she was well, that she was all better, I love that he gave his blue rock to the garden for her...I can't help but believe in the lovliness of your Girl making sure of everyone in need. Your brother saw the fawn, you saw the fawn on a day that held so much magic, and Aidan saw Tris, wonderful. There are some good books that address death for young ones, like Dog Heaven. Don't get me wrong, equating a pet death to what your Boys are going through is not what I am doing, but it allows for the discussion of a place where those who die may go. THere is also a good book called, This Next New Place, having to do with a place to go once we die, in simple terms and pretty illustrations. I am so happy for the many connections Shannon.

Gretchen, like Shannon and the others who commented, I love the science involved in your spiritual beliefs. I hold similar ideas and notions, my thoughts fit into what seems possible and to what I have experienced. Nature has always played a huge roll in my life, even growing up in the heart of the city, it just has always been the strongest character in my story. I watched a show on Buddhism the other evening which also incorporates some of what I feel and honor. And when we are quiet with ourselves, we can see all things more clearly, the most important of those is seeing nature and our connection to it all, the interconnectedness of all organisms. Amazing.

I turned 57 in April Gretchen/

Carol, love the tree, love the idea to carve the names in the tree, love the photos, and I love you.

Laurie, sweet poem.

Susan, did you post the heart in the sky?

[ericasmom]

Laurie, I posted at the same time I think, so did not watch the doctor video till now. Pretty cool that a man who sees life and death all the time, saw something of the spiritual world. Right On!

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Good Morning All,

A lot of sadness this morning. Laurie, you wrote about the silent primal mother's scream you give every morning before you open your eyes. For me it's like a rolling in the pit of my stomach as soon as I slip into semi consciousness, and that heaviness I carry with me all day.

At night, I have discovered kava kava tea. It really does help to be able to fall asleep.

I dreamed of Trista last night but like always can remember nothing but her face and the feeling of her. Someday, I hope I have a vivid interactive dream, like Aiden's! I'm a little jealous of him but happy he had that experience and it seems to have helped him.

I want so much to make sense of this. Why my Trista? It's just so unfair! I know everyone has felt that way and I'm sure still does but maybe someday I can find some type of peace? It's just so hard, living every day without her. I know we've talked about "time" before but it's still amazes me how little concept of it I have. Yet I count the days, hours, minutes, I have been on this earth without my Girl and wonder how many more I will have. When will it be time to see her again?

Dee, thank you for the book suggestions for Aiden. I will check them out.

I hope everyone has a day full of peace and love,

Shannon

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

I wanted to share this poem. It is one we used for Trista's services and printed on the memorial cards. I've not been able to find this poem online anywhere. My grandmother, a week or so before Trista's accident came across it in one of her mother's (my great grandmother's) books of poetry and she pulled it out because she said it reminded her of Trista. There was no doubt for us then that this was meant to be used for her services. This poem just touches so deeply every time I read it.

Child of the Sun

There is about her, fold on shining fold,

A radiance, an aureole of gold.

Yellow is soft upon her cowslip hair.

A warm ray finds her mouth and lingers there.

In a bright spreading pool of light she stands

Holding the overflow in small cupped hands!

This sun will never set, for some will stay

Forevermore in an unending day.

It will go on and on; it will be part

Of growth of mind, of spirit, and of heart.

To one who has known time so sweetly light

How could it ever be completely night?

~Geraldine Ross~

[Mermaid Tears]

Have been reading....am sending prayers of comfort to all....very busy...our SONshine , Jeremy, arrived last night....he is the baby of our family....in order of birth...Randa, John David, Jason, Aaron, Jesse, Jeremy......have a grateful heart....more later....love what everyone has posted....of their knowledge...their grief walk...

[ericasmom]

Hooray that Jeremy has arrived Susan, I know that your heart must feel good with his presence. Prayers for your whole family as you approach the dates that changed you each.

Shannon, did your dream, even though you don't remember details, make you feel good?

I adore that poem, and even more, that your Mom pulled that out of her mom's book a week prior to Trista's death. The aura was around, folks were feeling something. That was true prior to Eri's death. The poem stands as a caption to me, that could be under or the side of a photo of Trista, she is a ray of light.

Time remains an oddity to me, for me. Working in a school helps me know the calendar and the clock, I have 7 clocks to show world time, but time itself???has never been the same and I have grown to accept it of course, the abstraction of it feels a bit like taking drugs.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Mermaid Tears]

loved that poem....Sun kissed child....yes, Dee....SONshine here helps my heart....the question of 'why'.....eternal.....the time thing....is like you say, Dee....almost like being in a drugged zone....between two worlds...'if time were not a moving thing..and I could make it stay..'

[tobyfreefoot]

the poem is beautiful shannon. it sounds the way your daughter looks. it hurts to think how it all fell in place. i have dreams with forest that i don't remember-just wake up and know he was in them. i don't try to recall them anymore. i realize i can't and maybe i'm not intended to. just wake with the feeling that i have been with him and i can live with that.

laurie i found the video very interesting, once again creating hope

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Gretchen, Laurie, Susan & Dee, thank you for your thoughts in the poem. I can see Trista so clearly when I read it. I do feel like it was "meant for her" when my Grandma found it.

The dreams of Tris do make me feel close to her whether I remember specifics or not and I'm thankful for that. I would just love to have one of Aiden's dreams someday. I also know, if I were to have a dream that vivid right now, I would never want to wake up. I would want to sleep forever in hopes if having another.

Susan, I'm so glad you're son was there today. It sounds like a beautiful day for you!

[ericasmom]

Susan, many of us from BI have stated that we have a foot in two worlds, this one where we actively seek information and assistance to cope with this heavy loss, and the world that contains our Babies...We eventually balance the divide between them through time and realization that they are here with us, they are watching over us now, we learn to give over that instinct to watch over them. And so we watch over their siblings, friends, their memorial sites, their belongings, their grave-sites, take care of the memories and in some cases we try to look after the law suits. As parents, we cannot nor should we feel we must, relinquish our caretaking.

We will always be their parents.

Shannon, I am glad that the dreams have left you feeling good, that is wonderful and your explanation of why you can't remember is so right-on, it would be hard to deal with the day after a dream such as Aidan's. You will likely have one of those one day, I have had maybe 7 of those, maybe more in ten years, not often but lasting. Details that delight and speak to our hearts, hearing her voice, holding her hand, seeing her laugh. I have had several over the years that simply leave me feeling as your dreams have, gifted in that she was with me, but no details to hold. I wish you more dream visits and some very good sense of her all around you.

I have had some that are terrible but those are nightmares and they are not visits from Eri but my own troubles coming forth in the night.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Jeff's Mom]

Totally agree with you.....the foot in two worlds...yes, that is exactly it....your phrase "they are watching over us now"...just read a similar thought on that from a NDE last night...it was a sister who lost her brother, and he told her, that he was always taking care of me from that place...

Did more grave site tending last night...stayed for quite awhile...

I have had mixed thoughts about it, but I really would like to bring my first infant son up here and place him by Jesse....I have the ability to do it....perhaps a next year thing...

My daughter, Christina, said she had a very vivid dream about Jesse two nights ago, she was with him, I think you can sense their presence, she tried to ask him something but before he answered she woke up....she was so disappointed....

**************************************************************************************

Susan, sending prayers and love to you at this time...

Shannon, I plan on looking for the Kava Kava tea to give it a try....

Kate, wondering how you are doing, with your hubby.....

Lora, just assuming you are taking a break...but miss your postings...

Gretchen, I am glad you found some comfort in that video...there is alot of these encounters in the medical community when you are dealing with death/dying....I think it was not as "ok" at one point for "professionals" to discuss these things...Elizabeth Kubler - Ross, and Raymond Moody and the amazing amount of this type of material recently being published has helped reopen the door on discussing these types of occurences...it is a step forward for the hospice community as well...

Sherry, are you starting any harvesting yet? I think it is getting close???

Colleen, think of your today and your dear Brian...

And wishing the rest of the BI family a peaceful day....

My goodness my computer is jumping all over the place the past few days. It appears to be so sensitive. I am thinking of all of you both new and old on this journey. I did watch the video of the surgeon and his account. I completely believe in all of this. Thanks so much for posting this interview. It always helps to bolster our morale when we have others confirm our beliefs. This has been an ok week. Today we start the downslide to the chemo again. The pump is now off and his energy levels are again dropping. Just six more treatments to go and then another colonoscopy, etc. He feels positive but I must admit to feeling very concerned as to his weight loss. I am going to try to encourage him to drink Boost or Ensure to help keep the calories up. He is eating ok but just not as much. After the chemo it is painful to drink or swallow. I have to get after him to take small sips and do so frequently. Our weather has been just all over the place. Very much not a typical July this past week. Cool during the day for even us and even cooler at night. Odd. We had a tornado warning on Thursday and the winds were just amazing. I was so concerned that we would lose a few trees on our property. We were lucky and I just now came back inside from picking up a ton of branches, etc. Getting back to the spiritual encouragement...I remember posting some time ago about my MIL and her account while dying in the hospital during the last two months of her life. She started to tell us of a couple that came into her room and stood beside her to visit. We brushed it off as a fog due to the meds. But she persisted. She eventually called the nurse to have them banned from coming into her room. Apparently they told her they were there to help her to cross over. She being the strong willed woman she was told them she was NOT going anywhere. They persisted. Then about a couple of weeks prior to her dying she again pushed the button for the nurse. When she came into her room she asked her to escort our son out of the hospital as it was the first time he had been to that hospital and she did not want him to lose his way when leaving. We were stunned and so pleased that Jeff was there to give her comfort. The nurses told us that they experience these events on a daily basis on that ward. They were all believers. We are indeed separated by a very thin veil. It helps to comfort us to know that we will be reunited again one day. However, we must keep going and not obsess on that day but live this life in the here and now. Hope today is a good day for everyone here and your heart will be filled with a sense of peace and love. Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

...As parents, we cannot nor should we feel we must, relinquish our caretaking.

We will always be their parents.

dee-i posted this paragraph on my facebook. it explains why i find it necessary to keep doing the things that i do that seem so inexplicable to others.

it is not out of grief but the need to continue my relationship and active love for my child. thanks for putting it so clearly

[tobyfreefoot]

kate very encouraging indeed.

laurie we reinterred my grandmother. it gave my family a lot of peace and feeling of completeness. i can understand wanting them to be together.

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I am so glad that this helps, it is what I feel, it is how we live and move in this world. Once a parent to them, always their parent, always.

Kate, so glad that you had a decent week. I love the story of your MIL asking the nurse to guide your Son down out of the hospital...proof again that our Babies are right here helping us through the times. Thank you Angels.

Glad that the wind did not damage anything or anyone. We were on the beach with 8 ft. waves. wild winds. Today it is in the low 60's, one needs a sweater to be out. I took a long walk, it felt good but this is very cool for July.

Laurie, I think that thinking about moving the gravesite of your young one to where your Jessie is something to ponder, and if it comes to be that this thought brings you some peace, then by all means.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, the cooler temps make for a very pleasant walk. I always enjoy walking when it is slightly cool outside. Gretchen, I agree with Dee...that we are and always will remain a loving parent. Laurie, if this helps to give you a sense of peace to have your children together and you are in a position to go ahead with it...it is a good plan. Carol, thinking of you and wondering how you are holding up? Have you had the service for Dorothy yet? I hope you have the support of that amazing family of yours. I am sitting here on the deck enjoying a beautiful breeze and watching a repairman add another cable for our new TV. I was up early as he did not give an exact time that he was coming. Oh well, at least he should be done by dinner time. This has been a crazy day. Have had more interruptions than I can count. Oh well, one of those days. Thinking of everyone and wishing you a lovely evening. Kate

[Mermaid Tears]

Have been reading...and we don't have cooler temps here...101 yesterday and today it is cooler because of cloud covers....

Really liked the video of the Cardiac Surgeon and the one of the MIL seeing loved ones....

Am having a 'break'....I have had what my Grama called her times of 'constant crowds'....have many loose strings to tie together...

There are a couple on this site that I wish I could just gather up in a big swoosh..and bring them to live at my apartments and enjoy all that our fine little Brenham town has to offer in services...I still have a big enough heart that isn't broken to care and be concerned for others...

Dee and to all that have been on this site for a long time...I can only wish that someday I will have your 'Grace'...

I find I second guess myself all the time now....never before...but it all rings true that we are 'just fine' in doing for our children...tending..and caring...in a different way....but I still have my Mama heart..and it doesn't know how to do any different...

It is good to have our Jeremy home...in most of the photos...John David has his arms around him...he was 13 when he was born...

Jeremy works at Nike...in Oregon....Computer Networks guy....he and his friends have now lived in Kemah, Texas...Austin....Myrtle Beach.(East Coast)...and now Portland...West Coast....they decided to 'work and move' around til they get married and settle down...I think Hawaii is next move....he can get a job very easy ...how I have wanted to 'beg..plead..cry' for him to come home...but...I would never cripple him like that....I have too many 'friends - people I know' that have injured their son...by their clinging...breaking their spirit. Yesterday he was talking about a John David story...and the portal opened....I had forgot that one. We all come from a unique different direction.

Lora...was thinking of you today...hope you can have some stretch out time...what a year you have had...and you have simply 'moved mountains' this year....really....you have ran a hard and fast race...and look what all you accomplished for your Baby Girl...

Becky..our Warrior Mom....prayers to you....let us hear when you can...

Del....hope all is going good....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

I'm so glad you were able to spend some time with your Jeremy. It's wonderful that he was able to share his story about John David with you. I find that my Zak and Trista's friends are able to share things with me. Some things I forgot and some I never knew. I love and treasure those stories. I've thought before how I'd love to reach into each and every one of their minds and pull out every memory of Trista!

Dee,

As parents, we cannot nor should we feel we must, relinquish our caretaking.

We will always be their parents.

I too love the way you put this feeling into words. It is the way I feel when I take care of Trista's dogs that she loves so much, cactuses, her site... all those things I do for HER everyday because I will always be her Mom.

Kate,

Thinking of you and of your husband.

I love the story of your MIL. Thank you so much for sharing it. All these stories help bring hope and peace.

Laurie,

Thank you for sharing the video of the doctor. It's so helpful to hear these stories especially from medical professionals.

I agree with everyone else who posted, If it brings you comfort to have you children's sites together do it. I can see how that would be comforting.

Lora, Thinking of you. I hope you are getting some down time.

Today I finally took the advice I received from almost everyone here when I first found this site. Everyone talked about Self-Care. I've been feeling like I haven't had a chance at all to be alone and grieve. By the time all my family left to go back to their lives, my husband went back to work and I stepped back into my role as primary care giver for Aiden. I love being home with him but I have had no down time. Today, I asked my husband if he could please take the kids. I told him they could use some time with him and I could use some time alone. I spent most of the day reading, crying, remembering. For the first time in weeks I could allow myself to break down. When the feelings came I was finally able to just feel them rather than push them back down in order not to upset anyone else. I needed that.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Shannon, I am proud of you to know what you needed and ask for help with attaining it. I know that you are an independent woman and asking for someone's help is not in your daily nature, but the kids do need time with Dad adn you do need time with your grief. The ability to pin-point what you need is a very good thing for you and for your kids. It lets them see that there are times that being quiet in grief is sometimes important and talking about it is also sometimes the best thing. Your taking care of your needs also shows them the importance of this in life.

Susan said: I still have a big enough heart that isn't broken to care and be concerned for others...

Your heart is HUGE Susan, a love filled heart just ready for whomever needs you. That's the thing Susan, our hearts were/are shattered but there is room for love and for help and for nurture, and it never ceases to amaze me when I see what grieving parents and siblings are capable of as far as empathy and sympathy. It is because we really get it, we know, so we also know what it is to hold those close who are grieving and what it may mean to their hearts.

Carol, how are you doing today? Are there arrangements for Dorothy's funeral or memorial? Are you up for travel?

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[tobyfreefoot]

laurie--i am amazed that people don't have any idea. your child has been gone less than a year!! i had to contact forest's landlord to tell her what had happened. i left a message. awhile later she called me back and apologized for not calling right away but she said she had to compose herself because she had a 16 year old daughter die in a car accident. then she started crying. when i asked her how long it had been she said 25 years. she and i sobbed together on the phone so hard we could barely speak. this was 25 years later for her.

sending love your way and to everyone else on this site. you all have done so much to support me. without you i don't think i would have been able to progress to a relatively sane state. i thank you all so much!!

[ericasmom]

Laurie, tell your husband that we all have had STUPID questions/comments like that one, from some well meaning co-workers and friends and even family. I hope your Husband was able to gently educate the man through his broken heart -explaining that this is FOREVER, this is not something we get over, it is something we have to learn to process, grieve, process some more, mourn, learn how to accept, process even more, grieve deeply deeply as the shock dissipates, and then face the calendar each day knowing that it is one more day and we have to learn how to live again, and then we continue processing with each new season, each new child born, each wedding we hear of, the firsts disappearing into the seconds, thirds, tenths...beyond, and we have to see who we become as that too unfolds with our grief, and we continue processing, taking steps forward, many back, forward...a dance of sorts, the dance of mourners. We do hear the birds again one day and see the beauty in small things, we do, but it all takes a great deal of time and it does not erase the ache of losing our Child, it gets softer as we learn to live differently but it does not go away, why should it...and if folks can't handle the truth about it, that will have to be their problem.

Susan, our hearts are like a geode, we were one thing and then our hearts were shattered, cracked open and we find that inside is this glowing wonder, it is filled with the love we carry for all of time and we learn to let people see it through our cracks and fishers.

[ericasmom]

What folks don't get is, we have to learn everything from scratch.

Learning to Breathe

In and out is it?

Sometimes I forget the out part-

I hold my breath-

my ribs expand and

I can hear the thumping of

my heart.

The rush of blood sounding in my ears,

like urgent footsteps coming

To tell me

that you are gone.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, very nicely spoken. It explains how everyone on this site feels after losing a child. Gretchen, we bring them into the world. We care for them for a determined period of time. Against all that we wish they are ripped from our arms. Years do not diminish the pain and heartache of that loss. We just learn to handle it better. I am glad that she reached out to you at this time. I always find it surprising where the soft touch of support comes from. Mostly not from those we would expect. Laurie, we all have stood there with our mouths open at the stupidest things that people say. I wonder. Would I sooner they said nothing at all? Or take a chance and flub it? Unless a person has actually gone through this they will never truly understand. So senseless comments I tend to brush aside after a couple of hours of fuming. We walked into the memorial site late morning. We sat on the bench and just allowed the time to pass leisurely by. As we walked out along the path a young man in his mid twenties came zooming past me on his bike. He looked me squarely in the eye and said, "Don't give up!" I was blown away. He quickly brushed past me and was gone. We drove home trying to ponder what he actually meant. We had never set eyes on him before. After a late and very light lunch my husband is now back in bed for a sleep. It is a perfect day today. Warm and sunny sky. All of our neighbors are surrounded by their grandkids today. The sounds of young voices filling the air. I sit here alone while he sleeps. Memories of better times that have come and gone. A time when I too had my family with me. This is the part that as Jeff would have said "sucks". Pardon my language. It's no fun being alone.

[tobyfreefoot]

ahh dee your poem. absolutely beautiful and so true.

madelyn and allison--

[ericasmom]

Kate, no need to apologize for saying it, say it because it is the truth, we let the truth into the world, maybe, just maybe, others will learn a bit from it. Glad the day was lovely, and made more lovely by the boy on the bike---an angel perhaps sent to deliver a message, or just a young man whose instincts were by far sharper than most, he knows you are both hurting. Either way, a gift I think.

Gretchen, we must have posted at the same time. Such nice photos of your two favorite girls. Love the hat on Madilyn.What a wonderful story to share today about the landlady and her Daughter gone for so long. It is in this kind of sharing, that we all are reminded that there is no timeline in grief, we have tears enough for our lives.

[daveydow1]

AARRRRGGGGHHHH !!!--------. I just lost my post near the end of typing. Can't

recall it all, so will have to let it go. :angry:

I've been busy canning green beans, as our garden is in full swing now.

Thanks to all for your posts, pics, and poems.

PEACE AND PRAYERS FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[ericasmom]

Oh Sherry, I am sorry that you lost your post. What an aggravation. Did you ever hit the back button when that happens? ONce or twice it worked for me, bringing back my post. The green beans sound delightful. And that recipe Laurie mentioned also sounds great. I am sorry Laurie that your husband heard what he did from the officer, but it was what you both suspected so it confirms something too, and maybe she will be held to the law.

Just came in from another walk, much shorter but oh, the clouds this evening are pink. Pink and bouncy. Eri clouds.

It has been a day of constant sky changes, dark clouds with bright sun and dark all over and then bright all over, cool temps but so so lovely. i took a short late-afternoon bike ride and the weather was perfect for such a thing.

[Josh's_sister]

Hello all... I don't know if many of you know or remember David from Tucson. He is my dad, and we lost his son/my brother Josh in April or 2012.... well, I don't know if he will find his way over, or if any of you know him on Facebook, but on Friday night, we lost my other brother Gregg to addiction as well. They were born less than 2 years apart, and now have passed on less than 2 years apart, both at the age of 37. I am and heartbroken, and I can't even imagine the pain from my parents' point of view. I ache ache ache for them. If you have any energy, love, prayers to send out,,, we are in dire need. Thanks, and bless you all!

~Vanessa