Loss of an Adult Child

[Mermaid Tears]

Becky...you are so creative with your SONshine boy....

Shannon....I read the same 'poem' at my Mother's funeral...she told me she wanted me to say something at her funeral....Rosamund Pilcher was a favorite author of hers....and that 'poem/reading' came from her book 'September'....and my Mom died in September....

John David really liked it....so it was a part of his Memorial service...

my Dad died 8 months after my Mom....and then...I would pull it out and read it over and over....and it always brought such a calm and comfort to my grieving heart. It still does....now....I hear the words in John David's voice...for really....that was what he was all about...and would want me to live like that.

Time becomes a 'marking time' after we have a child to pass...some would say it is morbid....but I say....it is a coping cushion ...for I have lost my sundial...my sense of 'real time' is now very vague and trivial...I am 'numb' and in my own time warp.....I am just here now...I know I will come out of it....I just need to stay here awhile til the healing sets in.....don't be in a hurry ....for I think if we 'hurry' our grief....it will come back and keep coming back....til we 'rest and give the healing hands of time' their due.....

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Susan,

I found that poem shortly after the accident. I don't really remember where or how. I know I found it online and there where many slightly different versions of it but essentially the same. I chose that version because I felt the language sounded more like the language Trista would use and like you, I heard it in her voice. I still do every time I read it.

I understand what you're saying about time. It's lost all meaning for me now. It's been only 6 weeks for me but each day seems like a million years. At the same time it seems only minutes ago I was dancing in the kitchen with my Trista.

Shannon

[ericasmom]

Time has been abstracted for me forever. Even 10 years later, it makes more sense now than it did for many years following, but it still will never be a solid kind of notation.

[mikesmomrs]

DEE: I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you all week...knowing what these days mean to you, how you hold all the love that was shown, all the wondrous happenings of that wonderful yet terribly sad week before ERI said her final goodbye, so close in your heart. I am glad you are having ERI-fest again this year. I wish I could be there...maybe some year I will. This year has brought such changes to my life that I never imagined...perhaps that may lead me to creating some joy through those changes, and it would of course be a joy to see you again.

I thank you again for all that you give. You are a blessing to BI, speaking your words of love and comfort, sharing your own sorrow, telling of parts of your own journey, sharing your poems and stories that send healing, comfort, understanding, and most of all, hope, to all who come to BI. I don't think there is a day goes by that you don't cross my mind...I know that that has much to do with who you are as a person. You are a huge presence in this world, even if you never leave your little corner that you have carved out for yourself, there in your own little section of Chicago. Holding you close, and sending much love to your sweet heart...I will be with you tomorrow in spirit and of course we know your beautiful ERIwill be there, also. I would even go so far as to say that there will be many who will be there with you in spirit...all those wonderful angels that each of us comes here to post about as we share our sorrow, our memories, our love for our child, and as we all here come to know, our growing love for one another. Holding you close, as always. Carol

[ericasmom]

Carol Dear,

I hope that all the Mike Angels come and fly in and among the flowers, dance and sing to the music, play in the water with the young ones,(sprinkler) and sit upon our shoulders so that we feel that magical presence in them. I welcome all of the Angels that we know from BI from the early days of being here and throughout. I know ERi will bring whomever she can convince to attend a party.

Thanks Carol for your kindest words, if hope is found through me a tiny bit, then I am doing the work my Girl would like me to continue. The sky is blue blue, but not quite as blue as that one week in July 10 years ago, under the most perfect skies, we found ourselves in pieces. Erica Blue Sky, which means, Erica Heaven. And like you, I often think of our gathering and how special that time will always be, makes me smile.

Erica Blue Sky

It was a blue-sky day,

as she lay waiting for all to come,

and for 5 more days

blue skies remained steady.

Never before had I experienced such a blue,

only then...

when she was preparing to leave, to die,

did the sky share its most saturated blues.

It's a blue-sky day Erica girl,

a good day to fly,

go freely Sweetest daughter,

into the blue.

No worries now, or ever...

it's a blue-sky day my baby,

so fly, fly away.

And she flew,

leaving the broken pieces

finding heaven,

locating blue sky.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[Jeff's Mom]

Holding you all close. Dee, thinking of you tomorrow. Love to all. Kate

[daveydow1]

Shannon-----I, so, know what you mean about Saturdays being so

difficult. My son, David, was also killed on a Saturday. For a long

time, I felt such extra heartache on Saturdays. Time does soften

the pain, but I know that saying this to you now matters very little,

and that Saturdays will continue to be extra painful for you...I'm sorry.

So nice that Trista's girlfriend texted you about the little hummingbird

outside her window......surely it was sweet Trista's way of saying

she is o.k. Thanks for posting the poem.....I don't think I have

seen this particular poem before.....if I had, I don't remember. But,

I stopped to think about what each line said, and 'test' it on myself.

I know that each line of this poem is so true and inspiring. Thanks

again for posting it.

Becky-----Oh, I agree......it's too difficult to watch the Zimmerman

trial. I think that Trayvon had every right to be walking in his own

housing complex area.....obviously not bothering anyone. I, too,

hope that justice will be done for that young man who lost his

life so young. I hope that you can get some good rest after all

your diligent work to get justice for dear Jared. When you get

refreshed, and feel up to posting.....we'll be here to welcome you.

Carol----

Good to see your post. Hope that you are doing o.k. Such

a hard road you've been handed to deal with. Sending thoughts

and prayers your way, friend.

Dee-----Such a lovely poem "Erica Blue Sky". The words just put

a lump in my throat, and I know that they come from your heart.

Wishing nice weather for the ERi Fest tomorrow, and love and

warm feelings from all who attend in honor of your sweet girl.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Lora, you described it well, I know that tiredness, that exhaustion from what we carry each day. We go along but then we feel every ounce of that deep loss in every ligament, every bone, each cell and we sometimes just need to lay down with it. Let it put us in a prone position, let it knock us on our butts and cry and cry until sleep comes. Sometimes we have to be a drop of water in a wave, going with the flow. I wish you a peaceful new day tomorrow.

Sherry, thanks so much, that poem was written a long long time ago, nine years. Oh my Heaven-bound girl.

I have two peach pies in t he oven for tomorrow, I will make the fruit salad and green salad tomorrow, we have 40 pounds of italian beef, 4 pounds of olive salad, 4 pounds of sweet peppers,12 loaves of bread, and hopefully, others will bring other side dishes and desserts as asked. We have pop, water, juice boxes, my Son will bring beer, we usually do a keg but on a Sunday, there will be less of a big drinking crowd, plus so many of the kids have children now, less drinking in general.

Thanks for all the well wishing, I do feel each of your messages in my heart, I will take a walk later tonight and send messages to my girl in quiet talk.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee, wishing you a beautiful day for ERI-fest tomorrow. Erica Blue Skies... So beautiful. I just know it will be a day filled with the love of your beautiful, Eri.

[tobyfreefoot]

dee--i'm sure forest will be attending erifest and twirl your girl around in delight to have her there. hoping stardust and flecks of golden light fling off her shoes and cascade upon you with an undeniable sense of rightness and warmth and love.

[hotrod]

DEAR DEE

HOLDING WARM THOUGHTS OF YOU, THE SPECIAL LOVE YOU GIVE TO EACH OF US ALL AND THE SPECIAL PERSON THAT YOU ARE.

TODAY I .PRAY THAT YOUR BEAUTIFUL" ERI "TOUCH YOU WITH HER WARM LOVING SPIRT IN A SPECIAL WAY

ERE---ERI---ERI--ERI ALWAYS REMEMBERED

[Guest]

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[JD's Mom, Becky]

Eri, Eri, Eri!! Touch your mamma today with your presence!!

Dee, holding you in my thoughts and prayers today.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Double post! Sorry!!

[shellykut]

ERICA - Attend EriFest today in your full pink best and show all in attendance that you dance with all our angels.

Give Mom and Family sweet angel kisses.

[Mermaid Tears]

For all...

[Mermaid Tears]

I found this....for in the past weeks I have been thinking of Rose Kennedy....pondering on how she 'fought through' so many tragic deaths of her children....

[Mermaid Tears]

I wish I could write like Willa Cather at this posting to you, Dee...

but what I will do....is send you this copy of a poem you so graciously shared with all of us.....and I re-read it...many times....I go back to it...and let the words...that I know were formed by your grief and tears....settle on me....and I sit like in First Grade...ready to learn.

Thank you for all the compassion you have...that you share...and you allow us to 'drink from your cup'....that is filled with your hard earned wisdom.

I send you my message of high hopes that the day embraces you...and that there be a tiny tear in the veil...and you see clearly what brings your heart happiness. I have been thinking of you all morning...my lips and heart have formed little prayers...all is well.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

What is time to me, who waits and longs for you…time slides by so unnoticeable, so quietly…

One day I awake in stark awareness of how many hours have passed since I last heard your laughter, held your hand and walked with you so closely beside me…

So much time, yet so little it seems, I remember your leaving like it was perhaps yesterday, so sudden, so complete...

Yet time will join us together once again and I will be healed that day, for I will be able to hold you and say, “Mama loves you forever, my child….”

Waiting for that moment of eternity…as time moves silently on...

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

.

[daveydow1]

ERi.....ERi.....sweet ERICA.

Lovely angel with dark dreds.........spread your

pink wings.......and fly to sweet music, and have all the angels join with you.

Send your bright smile with sunbeams and moonbeams down to your

mama and the whole family today....your ANGEL DAY.

Dee------Thinking of you today, and sending prayers.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee, thinking of you and your family all day. Wishing you a day filled with loving memories and laughter as you recall the life of your sweet girl. Love, Kate

[Sholl1955]

Dee you have been in my thoughts today as you celebrated Eri's life. Sandy

[517958]

Dee, thinking of you and your beautiful Erica

[mikesmomrs]

DEE: Thinking of you as always...I hope you had a beautiful day yesterday, in celebration of your beautiful pink-blue-sky-angel girl, Erica, Eri, Erz, Tink...

[mikesmomrs]

DEE: Thinking of you as always...I hope you had a beautiful day yesterday, in celebration of your beautiful pink-blue-sky-angel girl, Erica, Eri, Erz, Tink...

[ericasmom]

How to thank you all for the lovely and heart lifting wishes you left here yesterday and today! My deep gratitude, my deep appreciation for the gathering here and the ways we support each other. Even after so many years Ladies and Gentlemen, it is so amazing to come on the computer and see ERi's name associated with hope and love from each of you.

It was an amazing day. HOT! but no rain even though they said it could, it didn't. THANKS ERI! Under those blue skies about 90 people came and went through the late afternoon and into the night. We always start our party at 3:00 so that some of that midday heat is dissipating and more shade sits in our yard. The gardens were gorgeous, thanks to my Husband, John. He worked tirelessly. And he worked so hard to make sure of everything even though he came down with a bug the night before. In fact, many have some kind of summer bug, me included, and it wipes folks out. I am not wiped out, but I sure look forward to a nap perhaps later. I went out in the yard this morning to start cleaning up what remains to be cleaned. Our neighbors, my best friend Kaye, lends us their tables and chairs to add to ours, and our driveways become a wonderful bistro with tarps hanging to shade. THis year I bought little lanterns to hang around the yard, but it being on a Sunday this year, instead of Saturday, more folks were gone by 8:30 and the lanterns were not as showy as they became later on in the night. There were so many kids, a wonderland of kids. I had t-shirts made and when I download my photos I will send a photo of some of the kids in them. We had t-shirts made at the 5 year mark, and now at the 10. We set off 10 balloons with messages attached, I always gather everyone in the driveway toward the street to say a bit of thank you and to say Eri's name to keep her going, and remind them that hope is necessary when you are blue so when you are low on hope, call her to help. We always have Three Bird playing at that time, "everylittle thing is going to be alright" just as we did at her funeral. The balloons flew very high toward the crescent moon which was out early, and we could spot them for a long long time. One little guy said, how will the balloons get back from Heaven. I told him that they could keep them in Heaven, read our messages and share our love. HE was okay with that, though he really wanted a balloon for his own.

It was a friend and family filled day, just wondrous. ERi's girlfriends and a couple of her guy friends, looked through her photo albums that I have, each year it is like they see them for the first time, laughing and sharing stories. THose stories fill my heart fully.

Jonathan beamed as he introduced his Daughter Erica Elizabeth to the groups all around the yard, Shannon glowed and the day made my heart beat to ERi's beat.

All the kids in our yard with Eri in their names:

Nayeli Erica

Aeri Moon

Ashton Erica

and our Erica Elizabeth

Oh our KIds live on, they do they do, in all we do, in our dark times and in the light, in all the friends, and in the music, in the breeze. They are with us.

[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Hot here too, Husband and I are moving slowly but got the cleanup outside complete in between rain storms. No rain for a week, and then today it came with gusto. Now the heat index keeps climbing, it is in the 90"s for the next 5 or so days, with humidity galore. So Lora, we are having the same stuff. Stay hydrated and cool/

The other night I read our local news and saw that a 22 year old man was killed, hit and run, in town at 3:00 AM. Once they released the name...I saw it was a young man whose younger sister was in my third grade quite a while ago. She is 18 now but lost her Daddy just two years ago in July also. I am praying for she and her surviving brother and Mum.

[daveydow1]

Dee-----So glad that your ERiFest was such a success, and that the weather

held out, and no rain. My.......you & John did so much work and preparation.

No wonder you are a bit tired......but it's a good kind of tired when you have

a nice get-together and everything goes well, and it's well-attended. I don't

believe I would ever have had enough energy to put on a nice memorial for

Dave, although he well- deserved it. Dave was an introspective and serious

person. He didn't have loads of friends, but those that he did have were

very good and loyal. He hated attention drawn to himself. The balloon launch

sounds lovely. I hope that your husband feels better soon. It seems like this

time of year that a summer-type 'bug' goes around. Your flowers/garden

must have looked so beautiful for the ERiFest. I agree with you.......our kids

are always with us....always will be. Take care, and rest up.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[warmingc]

I'm new to this forum. Just wanted to say I miss my Audrey with every bone of my body. She was an amazing person. I know that this is something I will never fully recover from. Of my four children (including her twin brother), she was the child that needed the most parenting. And life was starting to make sense to her. I love her so much.

[Guest]

...

[warmingc]

Thank you. I feel like this is such a lonely journey. Family and friends have moved on. I just pretend every day, but no one knows. Thank you.

[Guest]

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[Jeff's Mom]

WarmingC...Lora is right. You have found a place to talk openly about Audrey. I am sorry for your loss. We here know how hard this road is to walk. Take care.

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

WarmingC,

I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Audrey. I lost my 17 year old daughter, Trista, in a car accident just 6 weeks ago. Like Lora, I found this place shortly after. It has been a saving grace to me. The people who post here truly understand and offer support and hope through this journey. I will echo Kate and Lora by saying you have found a place where you can share openly with people who really understand your pain. Thank you for sharing your picture of Audrey... Beautiful Girl.

Shannon

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Dee,

I’m so glad ERI-Fest turned out so perfect. It sounds like it was a beautiful day. I’m sorry that you and your husband are both not feeling the best. You definitely deserve some time to rest and take care of you. You're right, our Children are with us always.

Sherry,

Thank you for sharing with me that Saturdays were extra painful for you too and for giving me hope that eventually time will soften that pain.

Laurie,

The poem you posted explains well that feeling of having lost any perspective of time. It’s been such a short time for me but I feel that shift in perspective. I think of my Trista and the memories seem like just yesterday but when I think of this morning it seems it was a year ago. I realize that is just part of this. We are all at such different places on the time line yet that feeling seems to be something we all share.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

This weekend was long and hard. On Sunday I attended a dance recital for my son’s girlfriend. He asked me to go with him so he wouldn’t have to sit alone. I knew how important it was to him so I agreed knowing it would be really painful. It brought back so many memories of all of Trista’s recitals. Then they played a Beyonce song called “I Was Here”. I’d never heard the song before. The lyrics really were too much when I was already barely holding on. I was glad it was dark in there. I couldn’t stop the tears. I realized if I shifted my focus a bit and didn’t look directly at the dancer, I could almost imagine it was my Trista on stage. She took dance for years but she stopped when her anxiety got to severe for her to be able to perform on stage. Just this year she felt like she wanted to push herself to try again. She took a solo ballet class. Her teacher said she was a natural and that she could hardly believe she had been away from classes for so long. She was to dance a solo to “Don’t Cry For Me, Argentina”. Her recital was two days after the accident. Her dance teacher came to her services and brought me the tiara from her costume. She told me they had dedicated the recital to Trista.

I am drained and heading to bed with some tea.

[Jesse David & Taylor Mom]

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[Guest]

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[ericasmom]

Warming, everyone here who has responded are wonderful people and there will be more. My Girl, Erica, was 19 when her car was struck by an AMTRAK in Kalamazoo, Michigan. She hung on for 6 days but never awake, brain injury was extreme. Our 10th anniversary was just on the 14th. Some of us have been here a long while, in part because we want to give a hand up to those new to this loss to encourage you and promise you that in time, life will take on more joy, but yes, the loss will always be with us. The other reason we stay is because we are family here, we are in this group of other knowing parents who really get what this is.

There is nothing easy in grief, but coming here helps, and sharing your stories of your Beautiful Girl will also help. She is lovely, please tell us more when you feel able.

Love to All,

[Mermaid Tears]

thinking of you Kate....you have such an amazing spirit within you...and of that spirit....you share with all of us....wrapping you with prayers and comfort that 'Sweet Memories' shall sustain and hold you on that day to remember when that sweet baby boy was placed in your arms...

[ericasmom]

JEFF SWEETIE---

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY!

Kate, if indeed today is Jeff's birthday, ( I am terrible at dates), I am wishing you and your Dear Husband a JEFF-filled day. May it be filled with blossoms, butterflies, birds, and beauty. After all, it is the day that Jeff came to you.

Peace and goodness-

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you everyone! Yes, this is his birthday. Typically for him he was due on my birthday, but came a full week early. He always was in a hurry. We are just getting ready to go into the memorial site and take flowers. It is a wonderful sun filled day. Temps are perfect with a slight breeze off of the water. Today is a day filled with many special memories as we remember our lives shared with him. Kate

[tobyfreefoot]

JEFF JEFF JEFF i know what a loving earth spirit you were. what an angel you must be! happy birthday!

[tobyfreefoot]

warmingc--i am terribly sorry you have had to find us. i also have 4 kids and my oldest forest was killed in a car wreck at age 28 july 3 2011. he was a very different kid, needing a different more hands on type parenting. we were extremely close i felt an instant kinship with you. all my children are very close and it has been really hard. i am hoping you will come back and share your lovely daughter. everyone in my life keeps moving on and here is a place i can talk about my son all i want. repeat myself and hear the same from others and i am so glad to have this community. i hope that you will feel the warmth and caring this group offers that those "outside" just can't.

so all you newer people i once again want to post the video forest's friend susan made in memorial for him. i just watched it yesterday again. sometimes it makes me cry and sometimes i feel elated to have had this kid in my life! http://vimeo.com/29259184

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Kate,

Thinking of you today. I'm glad you had a beautiful day to share memories of Jeff.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Jeff!

[Guest Trista's_Mom]

Gretchen,

Thank you for sharing your video of Forest. He is such a handsome young man. I could see by the video how happy and fun he must have been to be around!

Shannon