Loss of an Adult Child

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Something you might like......

I stood by your bed:

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep. I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear, "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here." I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me. I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care. I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said "it's me." You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. It's possible for me to be so near you every day. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew ... in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning." And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

[westleysmom]

Kate & Diane & Jenn-Thanks, just feeling weepy today more than usual.

Jenn and Lori-There is another thread called "Missing Son" that I noticed earlier and there were 2 moms on there who had lost special needs children that were new to here. I didn't reply there, short on time, but thought of you both. Lori, the poem made me cry, of course.

Maddy-Keep up the good work.

Amber-Hugs. Sometimes that's all that helps and words fail me. Just know that you will make it through even if you don't want to or feel like it. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing!!

Something you might like......

I stood by your bed:

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep. I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear, "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here." I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me. I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care. I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said "it's me." You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. It's possible for me to be so near you every day. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew ... in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning." And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

[dwsmithrn]

lori...i love the poem, thanks for sharing....

i had a dream about nathan watching over his brother while on the job (when i can write a longer post, i will explain-will really blow your mind) and i DO believe he is watching over us....sometimes it's just hard to make connections....i want to feel him and touch him and feel him every minute of every day and i know that is not possible, so i think i miss the opportunities that come and go. i'm either not looking or looking too hard. but, i know he is here with us. i just want positive proof, so i think that is why i miss the slightest things that may indeed be my angel.

i am really tired and not feeling well today, so i may sign off for the rest of the day and night. maybe get back on later this weekend. hope you all can get through the w/e with some sort of peace in your hearts. love, diane

[vivkib]

I come most days and read, still not able to keep up! But to all of you who post, thank you. It does help. I know that I am not the only one going through this hell! I do have one question, how do I get over the anger. My son's death was his own doing. An accident yes, but a preventable one.I am extremely sad, but I also seem to be so angry.I don't want to spend my life being angry at him. He was my best friend and I miss him so much. Please any advice would be appreciated.

Deana, I'm so sorry for your loss. It touched me to read of your anger with your son. I can relate to that anger. My son Kevin passed in Sept. As in your sons case, it was by his own doing and preventable. A stupid thing he did the coast him his life. It's been almost 6 months now and I did go through such anger at him. You will get through it but it may take some time. When it was preventable it's hard not to ask "why did you do something so stupid". My son was smart enough to know what he was doing could and most likely would in time coast him his life, but continued with the activity. I later found out it ws an addition of sorts alot like drugs or drinking. It made it a little easier to understand. What helped me was to remind myself that the way he passed does not define who he was. I can look back on my life and see where I made some bad choises and from pure luck it didn't coast me my life. It's ok to be angry and know that it will pass. Hugs and prayers to you. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Rhonda...tears are good. Let them out. It is perfectly good to break down and have a good old fashoned cry. I do plenty of it. Oh, how I wish I could take some of this pain away for all of us. But I can't. And so I can only offer whatever support I am able. Even if at times I may not say the right thing. I give from the heart.

Amber it is going to take a long time to begin to find your feet again after such a loss. Hang in there and know you are not alone. One day at a time is all we can ask of ourselves.

Lori...you are an angel yourself....that is exactly what I was trying to convey earlier about holding onto our kids as we move along life's journey. Thanks you so much for sharing with us.

As to anger...well....that is a personal issue to deal with. Circumstances are all different. When a person takes their life or behaves in a way that leads to their untimely death... especially when they are young, it is due to not thinking clearly. The feeling that they are invincible. That time is on their side. They have years to work it out. It doesn't happen that way. They can get caught up in peer pressure. They can sink into depression...there are a multitude of reasons that can send them plummeting into a downward spiral. Yet, if it should happen...we as their parents are caught off guard. We torment ourselves with the what if's. Why didn't I see it? Why didn't I do something sooner? We are not mind readers. We know our children...but they can become quite skilled at hiding their true feelings. The anger and pain we feel in their loss is perfectly natural. But we need to remember every good moment that we spent in caring for them. How we gave them the best we could as their Mom or Dad. We did what we could. Nobody could have asked for more. In time the anger will be replaced with our love and sincere desire to be reunited with them again. It is kind of like saying,"If you were here I would kill you for doing that!" To sit across from a family doc and be told that our son did not have to die is a parents worst nightmare. One that I will live with for the rest of my life. No fun...it is just horrible. I have cared for many family members that did not have a choice. But he did. I still love him. It outweighs the anger. I'll always be his mother. I'm not angry with him. I am just so very sad that he has cut his life short from enjoying a natural and hopefully decent lifespan. It was his choice.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I wanted to tell you something kinda cool that happen to me last week.

I was getting ready to go to work and packing up the kids to drop off at school / daycare. Before I loaded up the children, I went to the car to put the diaper bags, lunch bags, backpacks and everything else in. It takes me 3 to 4 trips to the car in the mornings! While doing my morning ritual a butterfly approached me, it was flying all around me. I stopped from my crazy, hectic rushing around mornings to admire it. It seemed as though time was standing still and I was in a trance, realizing the beauty of nature. The ground was cool and dewy, the air soft and breezy. While the sun was bright and warm peeking up from the pillowy clouds. It was one of those mornings that you want to take a deep breath and soak it all in. The little butterfly seemed to know I needed a moment of serenity, still fluttering around me I hear the cries of the children beckoning me to hurry. I proceeded to carry on with my morning in a much happier state of mind. When I arrived at the daycare I took both foster babies out. They are both in infant car seats and on opposite sides of my SUV. I brought them in, came back out for their belongings, dropped them off, then went back to my vehicle. I was in a rush now, having wasted so much time with my serene moments, if I didn't hurry, I was going to be late for work. I went to sit in the driver seat but, looked down first and was amazed to see the little butterfly sitting in the middle of my seat! My daughter Addie, sitting all the way in the back said "I know mom, cool right?" ( something Vanessa would say) I asked her if it was flying around and she said no. I asked her how she knew it was in my seat and she said it was just there. I assumed she had gotten out of her seat when I was dropping the babies off and saw it. The thoughts were swirling around in my head, how did I not know it was in my car? What was it doing while I was driving, opening and closing doors. What should I do with it? I thought of shoeing it out and being on my way. But the thought of the children in the daycare maybe wanting to see it and watch it being released would be fun for them. So, I picked it up and brought it to the front desk. The director of the preschool started freaking out! She said she had just come from the VPK class and was teaching them the cycles of butterflies. She said she Prayed to God, that a butterfly would come to the school so the children could see one! Strangely enough, I presented her with one!

Now, I'm really late for work! I was driving on the interstate and to my shock I see an accident happen, up ahead of me. I stop to render aid to a seriously injured person, who could have died. After that, I was once again on my way to work. I started thinking of all that had occurred in this morning and realized It all happen for a reason! What a miracle that butterfly was!

[aim630]

Wow Lori, what an amazing story! Surely your girls had a hand in sending you that butterfly!

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Amy, I absolutely feel my girls had a part of sending the butterfly to me. If I hadn't of been delayed by the butterfly, I could have been involved in the accident and could have been the one that was seriously injured! Instead the delay allowed me to help someone that needed me.

[ericasmom]

I am catching up with posts slowly but I will get there. Maddy, thanks, I love teaching, and feel that I need to communicate with great regularity in order tor home and school to be connected. I have a lot of fun in class with my students, they make each day different and magical, and while it is a taxing job, I am very lucky doing what I do each day.

Rhonda, feeling weepy? I go through weepy times too, it is just part of this kind of profound loss,...we hold ourselves together and we go along and even now, so many years later, I sometimes just get extra weepy and I need to let it be. Tears are necessary for a myriad of reasons, not the least of which is to release the pressure that builds and gets bigger than us.

So tired, cannot respond to more until the morning, except to ask Lori if you wrote that lovely poem yourself? So pretty.

Thanks everyone, my nephew is back with his Mom and Dad and hoping that the insurance company will clear theway to let Matt get into a detox situation, so far, it as not.

[tobyfreefoot]

thank you. sweet. sad. hurts but i liked it and hope it is true

quote name='2 Angels in Heaven' timestamp='1331926013' post='85503']

Something you might like......

I stood by your bed:

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying, you found it hard to sleep. I spoke to you softly as you brushed away a tear, "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here." I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea, You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me. I was with you at the shops today, your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today, you tend it with such care. I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said "it's me." You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. It's possible for me to be so near you every day. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away." You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew ... in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over... I smile and watch you yawning and say "goodnight, God bless, I'll see you in the morning." And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

[tobyfreefoot]

whoops

[tobyfreefoot]

omg this reinforces what the poem says. i so need to hear these stories. i desperately need to know these things are real not me making something up. i am afraid to look for coincidences because i think i'm forcing it but when i hear this it helps me believe and not be so afraid of reading things in that aren't there.

i went to the cemetery today and realized they had taken everything not in a permanent display away so all the flowers and lights and little things i put there were gone. nothing can be put out until september. so i made a big heart in the sand and picked up the shiny confetti from his birthday that had blown around the other graves and some gravel out of the road and filled it in. i had good news about his memorial that i will share tomorrow coz i've been up way too long. thanks again for your posts today.

[Jeff's Mom]

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY! Wishing good luck to everyone today!

Hoping for good luck from the doc. Now off to the city with hubby. Up bright and early to go in for a medical procedure. Let this be a lesson to all to wear sunscreen and keep covered up. For a surgeon to call us at home and ask us to come in for early on a Saturday morning, sends up a red flag. I had pestered him for years to be more careful when he was out in the sun. He's not smiling today I'll tell you.

Thinking of all of you and wishing you a decent day.

[Amber37]

I hate today. Today marks one month that my daughter has been gone. Actually I hate everyday. I just can't see how this can ever get easier. It's a beautiful day outside and all I want to do is lay in bed with all the blinds closed and no one bother me. Back in my old life, I'd be out on a morning run right now, then outside all day- cleaning the yard or taking my little one on a bike ride. In this new life I don't do any of this. I'm a zombie. I'm dead inside. I hate this! My poor family has to deal with me being like this. I don't know how this can ever get better but I know alot of you say it does so I hang on to that

[ericasmom]

Gretchen, I do not believe that the things in life that catch us and amaze us are coincidences, I believe that they are often messages, little golden ways for us to know that Our Sweeties are just beyond this place and their reach to us is shown in ways that can seem like coincidence but they hold a different kind of energy. For those here for so long and have seen the photo in the forest that I have posted many times, forgive the repeat, it just seems warranted here. Gretchen, one day I was walking in the forest, it was probably a year or two after Eri left, and the sun had been up for a couple of hours...I was wandering and walked up a little hill, as I turned to walk down I said aloud, " OH ERI, where are you?" the photo, if it attaches, is her reply. It was immediate, and as you can see, the sun was not right overhead, it was just about 9:00AM, so--------------------------

[ericasmom]

Amber, at one month it is good that you can even tell us that you hate this day, this life. You are articulating which is more than many of us did at one month out. Dead inside, I remember that. It really will not always feel this way but all I can offer in a way of promise is to see that we have all been where you are, and we all know that despair and that wish to be all alone in it, that horror that we may never really want to do things again and that sadness that we feel others are expecting so much from us. Hang on Amber, please. Being outside might help you feel a bit more connected to the world and your little one, so if you can, do so for a half hour. But if you can't today, you will on another and it is what it is at this time.

Kate, to you a happy 17th, and to all.

[tobyfreefoot]

i was lucky in a way that my other children were moved out. i often think of those of you that still have children at home. i can't imagine trying to parent them when you feel like you are drowning in grief. just trying to breathe was so hard for me. like the others that said it, it does get softer. it has been 81/2 months and i finally actually did something from inside myself that didn't come from grief or necessity (work pay bills etc.) i stenciled my bathroom! this was a BIG step for me. i love being outside, gardening crafting etc. i haven't been out in this beautiful weather which usually makes me completely manic. i literally have done nothing. my boyfriend does all the house work etc. i also am a huge rock fan. my first husband (forest's father) lives in wales. he came back for the funeral and brought me approx. 50,000 songs (his entire collection) and i haven't even loaded them into my computer yet. he just sent his top 20 albums of 2011. i actually put some of them in my mp3 player and listened to them this week at work. i have always listened to music for 8 hrs. a day at my job and this is the first time in 8 months i have so i am starting to feel better. i am on a load of antidepressants though. i could not do it any other way. have hope. i didn't even want to have hope or try to feel better but it happened anyway and i am glad it did. i don't feel great but there is a glimmer of worthwhile existence for me which my son wants with all his heart i know. i'm sure your daughter does too. so just stay alive for now so you will be there for your family when you break the surface and finally get a breath. thinking of you.

I hate today. Today marks one month that my daughter has been gone. Actually I hate everyday. I just can't see how this can ever get easier. It's a beautiful day outside and all I want to do is lay in bed with all the blinds closed and no one bother me. Back in my old life, I'd be out on a morning run right now, then outside all day- cleaning the yard or taking my little one on a bike ride. In this new life I don't do any of this. I'm a zombie. I'm dead inside. I hate this! My poor family has to deal with me being like this. I don't know how this can ever get better but I know lot of you say it does so I hang on to that

[tobyfreefoot]

thank you for sharing this. i showed my boyfriend and he was just like oh that's nice. he of course isn't going through this himself so it is so helpful to hear this from you. tell your daughter thank you for me. i wonder if she can tell my son how to reach me. i know this sounds silly and maybe you feel like i am imposing, if so ignore me but could you ask her? i will try to stay open.

Gretchen, I do not believe that the things in life that catch us and amaze us are coincidences, I believe that they are often messages, little golden ways for us to know that Our Sweeties are just beyond this place and their reach to us is shown in ways that can seem like coincidence but they hold a different kind of energy. For those here for so long and have seen the photo in the forest that I have posted many times, forgive the repeat, it just seems warranted here. Gretchen, one day I was walking in the forest, it was probably a year or two after Eri left, and the sun had been up for a couple of hours...I was wandering and walked up a little hill, as I turned to walk down I said aloud, " OH ERI, where are you?" the photo, if it attaches, is her reply. It was immediate, and as you can see, the sun was not right overhead, it was just about 9:00AM, so--------------------------

[ericasmom]

Amber, when Erica died, I knew somehow that I still needed to do some of what I did before she died, as in my regular habits. We were in Kalamazoo at the hospital for 6 days as she died 6 days after being struck by the train. The day that we returned, I took a walk after dinner. I power walk each morning and usually take a walk after dinner almost each night but especially in the summer under the sounds of robins singing their bedtime songs. So I resumed those habits right away and knew that that was right for me. Other things fell by the wayside but much of what I loved doing I found I still did love it. My husband is not a parent, and so he could not grieve as I did, and there was some frustration there. My former husband lived two blocks away and so we would run into each other on our walks and cry and talk some. I would spend as much time outdoors as possible, riding my bike and walking. I tutor in the summer and resumed that after the funeral just to see if it was still something I could do. It was though it was extremely tiring. Each of us is made so differently, we don't always know how we are going to be until we try something and make a determination at that point. If those around you can't handle it, then you can let them know that that will have to be their problem, cause you have enough to deal with.

Gretchen, I talk to Eri quite often and one thing I ask her on a regular basis is to help those new, help them find a way to let their families know that they are alright. Funny you should ask me to do so, I do do that.

[darlenestark]

These past couple of weeks I've found myself wondering how in the world I've been able to get through the loss of my son Ali - and yesterday, day 78, was the first day I didn't even cry. But today, I think I've just plain run out of tears. Today I learned that my oldest son - who struggled with mental illness before his brother died, who told me "it should have been me" - overdosed on sleeping pills and is now hospitalized - and they're not sure if the brain damage is temporary or permanent. I wish I could cry - I should be crying - I need to cry - but I just can't cry...

[tobyfreefoot]

These past couple of weeks I've found myself wondering how in the world I've been able to get through the loss of my son Ali - and yesterday, day 78, was the first day I didn't even cry. But today, I think I've just plain run out of tears. Today I learned that my oldest son - who struggled with mental illness before his brother died, who told me "it should have been me" - overdosed on sleeping pills and is now hospitalized - and they're not sure if the brain damage is temporary or permanent. I wish I could cry - I should be crying - I need to cry - but I just can't cry...

[/quote ]darlene, i am so sorry. wish there was something i could do. just wanted you to know i care and am thinking of you.

[ericasmom]

Prayers Darlene, for your Son, for you, for Ali to touch you both and let you know that one day, there will be a peaceful feeling and rhythm to your life.

[Jeff's Mom]

Oh Darlene, I am so very sorry for what you are experiencing. I wish I could help you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please do keep us posted. We care. Stay strong.

[mikesmomrs]

Darlene...prayers for you, dear,,and your son. May Ali comfort you and your son. Hugs to you both.

[mikesmum]

These past couple of weeks I've found myself wondering how in the world I've been able to get through the loss of my son Ali - and yesterday, day 78, was the first day I didn't even cry. But today, I think I've just plain run out of tears. Today I learned that my oldest son - who struggled with mental illness before his brother died, who told me "it should have been me" - overdosed on sleeping pills and is now hospitalized - and they're not sure if the brain damage is temporary or permanent. I wish I could cry - I should be crying - I need to cry - but I just can't cry...

Darlene ~ There has been an assault on your very being, losing your child. Now you have another child who's life is for all intense purposes is hanging in the balance. Its an overload that stuns the ability to feel, to cry.

My heart breaks for you, for your son. Mikes younger brother said the same to me not long after Mike died. Steven is a recovering addict and has had more lives than any cat. I held my breath for the longest time hoping that he would be strong enough to survive losing his brother.

My thoughts with you and your son. I pray that he is able to recover from this and the loss of his sibling.

Trudi

[shellyku]

Darlene - I have just said a prayer for your oldest son to be healed. Know that you

and your son are held close in thought and prayer. Take care of you. Shelly

[shorty16]

Darlene,

I am praying for you and your family. I asked my Brian to gather the angels and send them your way.

God Bless

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Amber

For the one month mark - you are right on target. Doing nothing, having no energy or will to do anything, but breath (and that is even hard).

Please do not beat yourself up.

We need to walk through the furnace of grief and pain to come out the other side purified and cleansed for the Master's use.

We need to work through - not around this grief.

That is when it does get softer.

Prayers for you

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[mom24]

I have missed you all.

[mom24]

Hello everyone. It's Rachael (Zachary's mom) I haven't posted in a while... I feel disconnected now. I have been in such a dark, lonely and sad place. My son died in November, as some of you may remember. He was struck by a train while in a car. The shock is definately worn off and the sh*t has hit the fan- so to speak. I am stiil here though.. The loss has hit my family so hard. Sometimes I wonder what will happen to us-- instead of pulling together, everyone seems to be falling apart. My husband has just disconnected from all of us and basically left. I have leaned on my faith and other children. I haven't given up on God because I can feel him there at times. I sometimes wonder why some of us are given such hardships in life.. I am in the hard stage that everyone has to go through --and it's not fun. Sorry to sound so glum. Rachael.

[Jeff's Mom]

Darlene...thinking of you today.

Amber...Colleen could not have said it any better. She is so right.

Rachael...I have sent you a pm.

Prayers and love sent to all of you today.

Kate

[mikesmomrs]

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are having such a difficult time right now. Please try not to beat yourselves up...whether it is guilt, sorrow, depression or any other feeling you are experiencing right now...please know that nothing is unusual or different when we are traveling the road to healing and grieving the loss of our child. The pain is there, and as others have said before here on BI, it is a grief that we must walk through, we cannot go around it, we cannot deny it. You will find comfort and understanding here on BI. I offer my heart to you today.

Rachael...Zach's mom...I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this and so very sorry that your family seems to be falling apart. Prayers for strength for you and your family. Are any of you in therapy or counseling? Please don't worry about sounding "glum." You have a right to your feelings and you can express them here anytime you need to. We are here for you.

Tomorrow hubby and I will be at the hospital at 6 am for another laparoscopy procedure to determine potential "clearance" for the surgery they want to perform for his pancreatic cancer. The next day, Tuesday, his case will again be presented to the "Tumor Board" for discussion on the events/treatment of the past three months, as well as for their input on the next steps to take. Of course, the surgery will be the prime topic. It is a scary road, and I ask for your prayers to guide us and his doctors in the decisions to come. We should know more by Wednesday about what the future path may be. It has been a long road, and we thank all of you for your continued prayers and support. The love and support you all have shown keeps us strong and hopeful.

Sending love and prayers to all of you for a beautiful day today. The weather here is in the 70's, sunny and bright. Hopefully a predictor of hubby's future...sunny and bright.

[mom24]

..Yes we were in counseling until last week. Our counselor had a heart attack and bypass surgery and is off for a while. Just our luck-- Lol.. I am trying very hard to make positive changes in myself since that is all I can change. But it is so hard during this time period in my life. The crippling pain remains and there are so many facets to our situation that I cannot even list here. I have a grandson left behind in my care after my son passed that we have had since the funeral because his mother has neglected him and exposed him to drugs. I am fighting to keep him in a safe environment. He is so much like my son was and just melts my heart. I have one adult and one teen and two small children in my home that all have needs. And now my husband has decided he no longer wants to "deal" with it all. My son Zach, who passed away, was not his child so he most likely doesn't hurt like I do.. There isn't a lot of sympathy there from him. I am so angry and hurt that he would act this way during the hardest time of our lives (my life anyway).. I really feel unloved to be honest. There are so many emotions going on here. From hurt, disapointment, mind boggling pain, regret, sadness, fear, lonliness, curiosity of the beyond, uncertainty of the future, to some of the joy you can only feel from being around small children, the feeling of being so close to God, and wondering if my son is at complete peace and honestly wondering what it will be like to get there myself someday... One thing about this experience is that we think of death and what lies beyond so often. Where our precious ones went and what are they experiencing. I think of him daily, hourly, or more.. I see the leaves budding and think of him. The first spring without him. And all the things that will come without my Zach here with us. I watch his son grow and change and always think of him and how sad for this child who will never know his father. And the life that awaits him if he gets returned by the court to his mother. Honestly, it is all too much at times. I just cry for help from our Lord. And I know he hears me. I just don't know what I am supposed to learn from all of this... My older kids are struggling in thier lives. I am trying hard to be all I can for them-- even if it's discipline (even harder). It's hard to be all we are supposed to be right now. Full time mother, nurse, foster parent to my grandbaby, keep a clean house, full fridge, ect. ect. I have a rich friend who lost a child and told me she spent six months on the couch. Most of us don't have that option.. Life does go on-- even if we don't feel like we can. We do. Do those of us who suffer so much have a big reward coming? We better Thanks for listening.

[ericasmom]

Rachel, I remember when you came here, your Son's death caused in the same way as my Daughter, only she left in July of 2003. I have a grown Son but no little ones and so I did not have to take care of others in my grief. I mean relatively speaking. I took care of me in many ways so that my Son, who was so distraught, could see by example how to take care of oneself. His Daddy, gone now nearly 3 years, had a very hard time taking care of himself when Eri died and Jon, my Son lived back at his Dad's after the funeral. He and Eri lived in Kalamazoo, Michigan when she was struck. SO, I think your situation is quite hard, balancing so much while you grieve, and you need to grieve. My thoughts are with you and my hope too, that somehow you will feel loved and cared for and if it is not in your husband's ability to help you and be patient in all of this, then it is his problem and you are left to balance it all yourself, making it more of your problem. While he isn't feeling the ache of loss as you are, he also isn't feeling any sense of nurture or ability to take on the breadth of grief. Life does go on, and remarkably, we do too. Lessons? We end up learning so very much in this new world, not because we wanted to, but because we were thrust into it. In a few more months, you will begin to find some regulation within your days more than likely, and remember, we are here, not to see if you will be cheerful, but to help you through the ugliest times, and then to meet on days less ugly, and eventually we will meet on a wonderful day and no doubt, on days where we fall backward 5 steps. We all get that, you have no obligation to be anyone other than to be who you are at this moment. I hope your therapist gains good health and takes you back into sessions, it sure helped me, along with this place.

[mom24]

Dee, You are one of the biggest reasons I come back here. You are a blessing to us all.

[Deana]

Once again I have to thank those of you who continue to support those of us who can't. I one day hope to be so strong. It is 15 weeks today since Jared left us. His 25th birthday is coming on the 26th. My niece deploys on the same day overseas. I am still trying to come to terms with my anger. My anger is not with God, it is with Jared. I don't believe that God has a time and place for us. I believe he is there but that we all make our own destiny. Why did he make such a horrible decision. He was so smart. Other than anger all I feel is empty. I am trying for the rest of my family, but it's just a face.

[ericasmom]

Deana, anger is part of it for many of us. It just is, and your being able to say it is a good thing, you are not pretending that you are not angry. As far as being empty, you won't always be empty, one day you will begin to feel your heart holding people and events again, memories too. Not now though, too soon, and anger trumps that for now. Do you feel it is a possibility to work through the anger?

Rachel, when I came here a long while ago, there were others here, though nobody stayed that long, and they helped me see that I would change over time adn that I would find my steps. I believed them, and that was one step in healing, believing that it was possible to heal some of the brokeness. So if I am able to help with that, then I know that I am sharing the part of me that Erica would dearly like me to share. Keep on posting,

[Deana]

Dee,

How do I work through the anger?

[ericasmom]

There are steps to anger, it is a process, it is something you can learn and may need help with through a therapist...but short of that, there are books on how to deal with the anger in loss. I was not angry at Eri though my therapist asked me if I was hiding my anger, but no, i just wasn't, she was following the law and there were many times in Eri's 19 years that I was angry at her, choices were not the best, but not in her dying, though I suspect her brother has anger with her for not looking both ways even though the light was not working and she did not know it...anger is tricky, but as long as you realize that anger does not make love go away, anger is something to deal with, it can be resolved, and you will not lose your love for your Boy from this anger. I will look up some good sites and books for anger but grief books often discuss anger. Hang on Deana, we are here.

[ericasmom]

http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/anger_with_grief.shtml

I just googled anger in grief and this site popped up, have not looked at it yet, but I will later.

[Jilly's mom]

Hi Gretchen

I am Jilly's mom. My name is Louise. Jilly went Home to God on Nov 19, 2011. You asked about getting messages and signs. We have gotten so many from Jilly that I am literally writing a book! There are things that help...but it all comes in it's own time. It is difficult for them to "get through the blanket" of grief when you are sad, angry or depressed...things that we ARE of course, after losing our children. I can tell you some of my experiences and maybe you will see that Forest has indeed been in contact with you and you were maybe not seeing it. Are you interested? I would never ever impose my beliefs or experiences on anyone who would find them offensive...(and yes, some are offended by hearing about how our children are contacting us!) Let me know.

Louise

omg this reinforces what the poem says. i so need to hear these stories. i desperately need to know these things are real not me making something up. i am afraid to look for coincidences because i think i'm forcing it but when i hear this it helps me believe and not be so afraid of reading things in that aren't there.

i went to the cemetery today and realized they had taken everything not in a permanent display away so all the flowers and lights and little things i put there were gone. nothing can be put out until september. so i made a big heart in the sand and picked up the shiny confetti from his birthday that had blown around the other graves and some gravel out of the road and filled it in. i had good news about his memorial that i will share tomorrow coz i've been up way too long. thanks again for your posts today.

[Jilly's mom]

Can anyone tell me how to send a personal message? I have followed the directions in the help box and all I get is an "array...message not sent" notification! Ugh.

Louise

[ericasmom]

Deana, here is a piece from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on anger...

Anger

Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this?

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who didn’t attend the funeral, maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who is different now that your loved one has died. Suddenly you have a structure – - your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing.We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love.

[darlenestark]

Last night was a night of a million stars - all of our angels glowing in heaven. And now as the sun begins to rise in the eastern sky, the crescent moon is cradling it's shadowed orb, just as we all cradled our babies in our arms, just as we all cradle our children in our hearts...

Our angels must have been there with my son Tim as he laid unconscious in a hospital bed in Wisconsin. My daughter was there yesterday morning when the doctor came in and said that Tim's pupils were only pinholes, and that he likely had a stroke. My daughter spared me this news, either because she knew I couldn't take it or because she just couldn't find the words - she was the one who had to say the words "Ali died" to me 81 days ago. I can't imagine the hell she went through waiting for the PET scan results. The doctor told her he'd never seen anything like this before - Tim's brain is functioning at 100%. He is going through withdrawal from the sleeping pills as well as the psychiatric meds he was on. They think that, medically, he will be okay. They hope that in a couple days they can release him to the psychiatric hospital, and I pray that, mentally, he will find a way to be okay too. Yes - Ali and all our angels must be there with him...

Yesterday, I also learned that I didn't run out of tears, that I didn't lose my ability to cry. I cried all day long, until nightfall brought out those millions of stars, all our angels...

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

I am catching up on posts from the weekend but I want to first say to Darlene....I am so glad you received some comforting news about your son and I pray for his healing. I look at the stars too and think of our angels shining so brightly down on us.

Because Brianna was a special needs child, I always knew my time with her would be short. I know that sets me apart from most of you here. I did not lose her suddenly, tragically, without warning. I always knew that getting married or having children was not in her future so I have no sadness over what could have been. My grief is purely selfish, it is only for me because I know she is happy and free now. My heart goes out to all my Indigo friends who struggle with their losses and try so hard to understand why. I wish I had answers for you, some kind of comfort to give you, so I think of you all daily and keep you in my prayers. I wish I could do more

On the subject of signs....Friday evening I was driving to meet my two daughters and sister for my birthday dinner, and as I drove I flipped the radio channels. I came upon a song that was played at Brianna's service and I don't often hear it on the radio, Martina McBride "In my Daughter's Eyes" Happy Birthday from Brianna--sign number one

[JD's Mom, Becky]

24 weeks today.....

[Maddy6]

Hello everyone :-) since I have figured out that the exercise is tremendously helping aaand I have finally gotten a week in the gym under my belt, every day as soon as my kids are off to school I am off to the gym. I think I struggled for so long trying to go back in the gym for several reasons. One was that even though we had lived here so briefly before she died, Rachael and I had worked out at this gym together. I have exact memories of her and I doing things together there and it feels like a knife going in when I am doing something there that I remember doing with her. Also, she worked out with her brothers when they were younger and I used to love seeing her take them to the gym. .

Becky,The poem is beautiful and spoke to my heart. I understand completely.

Love,

Maddy

[RMoore]

I have found the numbness starts wearing off around 2 to 3 months and then the pain starts hitting in harder to bare waves.

I feel so helpless having 3 adult children that need me but I have no tools to take away their pain. Young adults and one is

Amber's twin. The pain I feel as all of you know is really beyond any words in the human language, yet I can't imagine the

pain of losing a twin =( As some of you know the "system" is not compassionate by any stretch of the imagination and

only adds more pain and frustration. The many so-called help organizations and victim programs, advocacy etc seem to be

nothing more than lip service. Let me just say MADD has done NOTHING but make me MAD and is really nothing but a joke.

Our family has attended 2 court appearances that both became continuances and the last appearance has now become a

possible " plea bargain". I'd like to know how someone who broke multiple laws in one night leaving my precious daughter dead,

qualifies for a DEAL !! Where is our DEAL? There has been no deal on the numerous bills we have been sent by the

hospital or the coroner or the cemetery or the paramedics or the mortuary let alone the florist. There had been no deal

to bring my daughter back to us, there has been no deal to take away the pain or deal to heal our broken hearts. While a

piece of garbage sits it jail getting free medical and free legal along with letters, phone calls and visits we are left with

none of that at all. We get no visits ever again , we get no phone calls ever again, we get no letters no I LOVE YOU

ever again from my daughter, never again can I hold her or tell her I LOVE YOU. My family will live with this emptiness

and pain the rest of our lives, while he sits and wants a DEAL ? Not to mention he has the nerve to ask my eldest daughter

(through a third party) if we find his IPOD he wants it back? I seldom post and now I am ranting, I prefer the chat room but

it's rather quiet there lately. I know it's going to be a very long week , we go to court next Monday and that's when we find

out what kind of deal he might get...

Thanks for listening

LOVE PRAYERS HUGS to all of you

Amber's Momma

http://vimeo.com/35689736

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Amber is so beautiful! I did a photoshop pic of her quite a while ago, but haven't seen you on here to send it to you. I hope you like it! I am so very sorry about the disposition of the case. I didn't get any satisfaction from the criminal side of my son's death either, but now am in the process of a civil suit. My heart to you.

I have found the numbness starts wearing off around 2 to 3 months and then the pain starts hitting in harder to bare waves.

I feel so helpless having 3 adult children that need me but I have no tools to take away their pain. Young adults and one is

Amber's twin. The pain I feel as all of you know is really beyond any words in the human language, yet I can't imagine the

pain of losing a twin =( As some of you know the "system" is not compassionate by any stretch of the imagination and

only adds more pain and frustration. The many so-called help organizations and victim programs, advocacy etc seem to be

nothing more than lip service. Let me just say MADD has done NOTHING but make me MAD and is really nothing but a joke.

Our family has attended 2 court appearances that both became continuances and the last appearance has now become a

possible " plea bargain". I'd like to know how someone who broke multiple laws in one night leaving my precious daughter dead,

qualifies for a DEAL !! Where is our DEAL? There has been no deal on the numerous bills we have been sent by the

hospital or the coroner or the cemetery or the paramedics or the mortuary let alone the florist. There had been no deal

to bring my daughter back to us, there has been no deal to take away the pain or deal to heal our broken hearts. While a

piece of garbage sits it jail getting free medical and free legal along with letters, phone calls and visits we are left with

none of that at all. We get no visits ever again , we get no phone calls ever again, we get no letters no I LOVE YOU

ever again from my daughter, never again can I hold her or tell her I LOVE YOU. My family will live with this emptiness

and pain the rest of our lives, while he sits and wants a DEAL ? Not to mention he has the nerve to ask my eldest daughter

(through a third party) if we find his IPOD he wants it back? I seldom post and now I am ranting, I prefer the chat room but

it's rather quiet there lately. I know it's going to be a very long week , we go to court next Monday and that's when we find

out what kind of deal he might get...

Thanks for listening

LOVE PRAYERS HUGS to all of you

Amber's Momma

http://vimeo.com/35689736