Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Susan, Shannon's Mom

I can relate to having a road-side memorial removed.

Here is what happend to us and here is what we did.

Brian died on the side of the road, 1/4 mile from our home. Our family created a concrete, square memorial rock. Pushed Brian's name into it, associated with our finger prints and the paw print of Brian's dog, Copper. We also pushed FAITH, LOVE, BELIEVE little rocks into it.

We took this to the place where he died and burried it flush with the ground.

The city removed it, but placed it under the tree that the car hit, and Brian flew off.

We could live with that. Our city does not allow any memories at all unless you purchase a tree with a plaque. We did not want to do that. So we placed the concrete block were it could not be easily seen by all, and out of the way of the city workers.

This compromise provided us with a memorial that both us and the city could live with.

Hope this helps

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Gretchen

I just read your post and I can somehow relate and tell you what we did.

My 2 other children were 14 and 17 when Brian was killed. Since they were minors, we had alot of control. However, none would see a therapist.

My 14 year old son started destroying other peoples property. He went to the driver's house and destroyed their mustang to the tune of $5500. Mailboxes, street-lights, etc. We paid for the damage and bought a full-size punching bag for our basement. AJ now punches the HECK out of that bag.

As far as my kids dealing with Brian's death, I figured I would be an example to them on how to deal with this.

I called or talked to them daily, telling them I loved them. I light a candle when we are togther. That candle is Brian in the room. No words are said, just the light of his life.

These small things - repeated over time, make a big difference.

Hang on, my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Susie_q512]

First and foremost, I want to send heavenly birthday wishes to Payton.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, PAYTON!!!!!! May your mom and those you love feel your beautiful spirit surrounding

them as you celebrate this special day. May they feel your angel hugs and kisses and know that you are safe, whole, and well taken care of until the day they are reunited with you in Heaven

Secondly, I am here to unload. To say that insult has been added to injury is incorrect. Injury has been added to the insult of what I experienced yesterday. We got a phone call this morning from H and R Block regarding our 2011 tax return advising us that someone has stolen Shannon's identity and already claimed her on their tax return, therefore we cannot claim her on ours. I am furious to say the least.....more like rolling on the ground fighting mad!!! I went straightway to the police department and filed a fraud report. An investigator from that department will be assigned the case and be in contact with us....soon, I hope. I know that scumbags live in our society, and I also knew that this is a possibility whenever a person dies, but I cannot believe that this happened within a few months of her death. I am waiting to hear from the investigating officer before going public with this situation, but there is absolutely no way in Hell that I will turn the other cheek in this situation.....this scumbag picked a fight with the wrong momma......woe to them when they are found! (Of course, I'm assuming this person will be found, so many prayers requested that the identity of said scumbag will be made known, so that justice can be served with a very swift and heavy hand!)

[Maddy6]

Susan,

I am at school on an Apple (fun, fun wanted to try to upload Rachael's pic from photoshop......anyway, I wanted tell you that after we went through everything with Hurricane Katrina, got settled, asked for like a year's extension to file our taxes cause we couldn't think straight and figuring out any paperwork was a nightmare. Well, anyway, we finally file our income tax, and to our surprise, the tax person contact's us and says that the IRS will not give us our refund as there is a problem. But the IRS will not talk to our tax person. So I call the IRS and find out someone had CLAIMED me on their taxes and claimed I lived with them for the year after Katrina. So I guess some creep who knew we were in the hotel for a year, figured they could get away with claiming me as having lived with them. IRS took the information, everything easily proven of course. IRS immediately handled sending out our refund almost immediately and ASSURED me the culprit would be fined and held accountable. I wanted to know WHO, cause I was so upset wondering if it was someone we knew in the hotel, doctor etc. But the IRS would not reveal who it was, all they would tell me is that they had the information on the person who claimed me and the IRS would definitely be dealing with them. I was not happy over not knowing who, but hey.........leaving the individual in the hands of the IRS???? I could live with that. Yes, I felt like you...how dare someone do something like that to anyone who is already hurting......the IRS will take care of them though.....hope that helps and have a wonderful day :-)

Love,

Maddy

[robyn]

Susan,

I am at school on an Apple (fun, fun wanted to try to upload Rachael's pic from photoshop......anyway, I wanted tell you that after we went through everything with Hurricane Katrina, got settled, asked for like a year's extension to file our taxes cause we couldn't think straight and figuring out any paperwork was a nightmare. Well, anyway, we finally file our income tax, and to our surprise, the tax person contact's us and says that the IRS will not give us our refund as there is a problem. But the IRS will not talk to our tax person. So I call the IRS and find out someone had CLAIMED me on their taxes and claimed I lived with them for the year after Katrina. So I guess some creep who knew we were in the hotel for a year, figured they could get away with claiming me as having lived with them. IRS took the information, everything easily proven of course. IRS immediately handled sending out our refund almost immediately and ASSURED me the culprit would be fined and held accountable. I wanted to know WHO, cause I was so upset wondering if it was someone we knew in the hotel, doctor etc. But the IRS would not reveal who it was, all they would tell me is that they had the information on the person who claimed me and the IRS would definitely be dealing with them. I was not happy over not knowing who, but hey.........leaving the individual in the hands of the IRS???? I could live with that. Yes, I felt like you...how dare someone do something like that to anyone who is already hurting......the IRS will take care of them though.....hope that helps and have a wonderful day :-)

Love,

Maddy

Oh Maddy! There ain't NUTHIN' worse than the IRS at yer throat! Rest assured darling, that nimrod will rue the very day!

Robyn

[robyn]

First and foremost, I want to send heavenly birthday wishes to Payton.

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, PAYTON!!!!!! May your mom and those you love feel your beautiful spirit surrounding

them as you celebrate this special day. May they feel your angel hugs and kisses and know that you are safe, whole, and well taken care of until the day they are reunited with you in Heaven

Secondly, I am here to unload. To say that insult has been added to injury is incorrect. Injury has been added to the insult of what I experienced yesterday. We got a phone call this morning from H and R Block regarding our 2011 tax return advising us that someone has stolen Shannon's identity and already claimed her on their tax return, therefore we cannot claim her on ours. I am furious to say the least.....more like rolling on the ground fighting mad!!! I went straightway to the police department and filed a fraud report. An investigator from that department will be assigned the case and be in contact with us....soon, I hope. I know that scumbags live in our society, and I also knew that this is a possibility whenever a person dies, but I cannot believe that this happened within a few months of her death. I am waiting to hear from the investigating officer before going public with this situation, but there is absolutely no way in Hell that I will turn the other cheek in this situation.....this scumbag picked a fight with the wrong momma......woe to them when they are found! (Of course, I'm assuming this person will be found, so many prayers requested that the identity of said scumbag will be made known, so that justice can be served with a very swift and heavy hand!)

Susan,

I am outraged with you! What is WRONG with some people? The upside is that between the police and the IRS, this person will certainly live to regret such a nasty decision.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[robyn]

Thanks Maddy, no walk yet today but bird song and wind filling the air with sounds that are lovely. I am so happy for more sunshine today, and blue skies. This is a poem though, that I wrote many years ago having to do with the morning and light.

Light

Washed in the morning light,

a privilege to bathe in that which

opens the curtains to a new day.

And no matter the weather,

I trudge forward.

The morning soaks its hope

and energy into me,

causing me to feel

the holiness at the altar of the day.

I am washed in forgiveness,

in quiet splendor,

in passion and compassion,

and blessed anew in the promise that lies

in the light.

dee

Just beautiful Dee!

[Maddy6]

Dee, you are gifted with words......the morning soaks its hope.....I love that :-) the holiness at the altar of the day.....I am washed in forgiveness.....two other beautiful verses.....very nice :-). There sure are some talented people on here. Also, Susan....wanted to add....the IRS handled everything with me. They said police were not necessary as the IRS knew who it was and would prosecute appropriately. For us.....we were forced to pay the hotel bill out of our pocket....the creep who did this to us apparently thought FEMA, or perhaps my husband's work was paying it. When we ultimately claimed for that year, we were able to recoup only a small percentage, but filed nevertheless, that is why the IRS caught it. I was aghast.....as the vultures (what I personally called those who were repeatedly attempting to prey upon our misfortune) had struck yet again. CPA said we needed to file something etc. etc. cause the IRS would not speak to them. I got on the phone immediately with the IRS and it was handled pronto. So I say all of that for 2 reasons. First, to getting off my chest LOL :-) as I remember the outrage, and 2nd to tell you to call the IRS yourself and talk them personally ASAP :-) Maddy

[daveydow1]

Happy BIRTHDAY, PAYTON..............AN ANGEL LOOKING DOWN FROM HEAVEN.

Thinking of you, Laura. Peace & Prayers.

Dee--------Love the poem........it says so many things...so eloquently. The lambs have been

here about 2 wks. They are a joy to watch. They will go up to the ewes, and nudge them

on their sides,......as if to say----"Come on, Mom,....Let's Play". The ewes just keep up with

their eating, and turn to keep a watchful eye on the little fellows. Supposed to get warm

over the weekend......YAY ! It will give me the emotional boost that we all need. Neighboring

orchards have crews out pruning the apple trees. I heard a hen cackling the other morning.

Becky------Beautiful tribute pic of your dear son, J D.

Maddy---- We posted at the same time. Good advice about the IRS. Glad that you were able to

get it resolved.

Carol------So glad to hear good news about Ralph. I'm still praying for your family, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[robyn]

Spent yesterday with my little granddaughter- she is her mother, all over!

Also had to scramble to finish up all my coursework. Husband and I are glad this term is done!

God has taken me to the book of Isaiah and the prophecies about Israel and the surrounding countries. THEN I come out and watch the news and get the "tingles" all over! funny...

I think of you all, all the time and wonder how you are doing when we aren't in here. You are all, always in my prayers. We never would have chosen this road, but I am glad that we have all found each other. I thank God, every day, for each and every one of you.

Love,

Robyn

[lolynbo]

FOUND A LIL LOCKET IN KOURTNEYS HOSP STUFF PPL GAVE US...THERE WAS A HEART SHAPED LOCKED WITH HOLE IN IT....ATTACHED WAS THIS POEM...THOUGHT ID SHARE...

Since Heaven has become your home

I sometimes feel I'm so alone;

and though we now are far apart

you hold a big piece of my heart.

I never knew how much I'd grieve

when it was time for you to leave,

or just how much my heart would ache

from that one fragment you would take.

God lets this tender hole remain

reminding me we'll meet again,

and one day all the pain will cease

when He restores this missing piece

He'll turn to joy my every tear

and when I wear this necklace near

it will become my simple way

to treasure our Reunion Day.

[darlenestark]

It's a beautiful day today in southwest Michigan - I finally started working on Ali's memorial garden down by the lake. I've decided to keep it simple and easy and natural, just like him. I have rocks I've collected from all over, and I'm going to ask friends and family to bring a rock or two. I've been thinking about planting a weeping willow tree...

The beauty and peace of this day was interrupted by some crap from the homeowners' association secretary who lives at the end of my road - but I ended up screaming "B*TCH" at her and she sped off down the road. It felt so good to get it out. I went back to my work with a big smile on my face - and I could FEEL Ali smiling down on me...

[ericasmom]

LORRI, love to see you here, and love the poem found in the locket...How the hell are you? Are you feeling well? How is Kody? Kimmy? What is new at Kourtney's Kloset?

Sherry, I know that spring will find you feeling some encouragement just by the longer days alone, not to mention the many kinds of wildlife all around you. Oh happy days.

To those whose lives have been altered by the parasites that stole your identities, HOW SICK of these people and I sure hope that they get what is coming to them...and that the IRS treats you with kindness.

[ericasmom]

Darlene, I do think we posted at the same time, glad that you were able to get outside and plan the garden. I love rocks too, and what a nice garden to have rocks collected by those who love you and Ali.

Where are you in Southwest Michigan? My Girl, Eri, died in Kalamazoo nearly 9 years ago. She sure loved that town. We live around Chicago where she and her Brother, Jon were raised.

[mysonrich]

[shellyku]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY PAYTON - I hope that

heavenly cake has lots of icing on top...enjoy it and let your mom and all who love you know

how good that cake is! Laura, praying for your sweet boy to surround you this evening.

Carol - wow...a lot of information for you and Mike to sift through, but it sounds positive and

that is a blessing. Continued prayers sent your way.

Becky - I noticed you sent me your slideshow...thank you. I will definitely view it tomorrow

morning...the eyes are very tired tonight.

Susan - How dispicable(sp) of someone to do that! I hope the IRS gives them Irritable

Rear-end Syndrome!

Maddy - The same thing happened to you? What is wrong with people?

Dee - What a beautiful poem! Thanks for noticing I posted yesterday. I'm doing ok but

it seems the closer we come to Jill (our younger daughter) delivering her first baby, the

more I miss Sarah. So bittersweet.

Lorri - That locket with the lovely poem sounds like a treasure. So nice you found it.

Robyn - what a cutie your granddaughter is!

Kate - Boy, would I love to see those Northern Lights! Must be enchanting to watch!

Sherry - I always wanted to live on a farm but I sure would settle for living next to one!

Darlene - Getting started on your garden sounds very therapeutic...can't wait to get my

hands in the dirt. I look forward to it every year.

I'm sorry if I forgot anyone this evening. I pray for all our angels each and every day.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend. Shelly

[ericasmom]

Shelly, I was so glad to see you here, of course I noticed. I know what you mean, the closer we got to Jonathan and Shannon's wedding in November, the more bittersweet it became as well. I know that Eri would have dearly loved being involved in the wedding, she would enjoy the celebrations and all of the hoopla involved. She would have stood in that wedding, probably cracking up while in front of the whole church but instead, her name was read as someone who was loved and remembered that day.

Today I finished reading a book and in it a young lady said, if bittersweet were on the map, it would be smack dab in between sad and happy and just under the sky where you could nearly feel the hand of God touching your heart.

Indeed.

May Jill have a happy bouncing healthy baby, and may her Auntie bless the new family in all of its glory.

Robyn, i agree with Shelly, your Grandgirl is gorgeous and the picture of her Momma.

[darlenestark]

Dee - I live in Sister Lakes, about 40 miles west and south of Kalamazoo. I went to WMU years ago, and my first two children and my granddaughter were born in K-zoo. Sadly, I remember hearing the story about your daughter on the news - it was back when I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to lose a child, back when my Ali was making plans to move to the U.P. to go to college in Marquette, which is where he lived and died...

[lorijosherrell]

Thank you everyone for paytons heavenly.birthday wishes and all the prayers.

It has been a ruff few days, was hoping to drive down to the gulf and release bubby some balloons but my RA wasn't letting me maybe tomorrow anyway on another thought

I had a visitor this mornin, he has sent me little signs along the way, at first I thought it was just me wanting it do bad that was until funny things would happen with the kids and I would tell them it was.payton messing with them any who

This mornin early right as the sun was coming in I felt a little person crawl up in bed with me, I thought it was little SIS I starter talkin to her asking if she was ok she didn't answer me so I rolled over and opened my eyes to the sun

no one was there. Later on I asked her she said nope wasn't me momma, and was laughing smiling she said he finally played a trick on u walked to the door looked up at the clouds and said bubby u r so funny

My rug rats r the only thing holding me together at times I could not have ever asked for a better put together family

Thus mornin I promised him I wouldn't cry today. I made it

LAURA

[dwsmithrn]

happy heavenly birthday, payton.....let your momma know your love today....let your angel hugs and kisses touch her today and always.....

laura...thinking of you today and holding you close.....

[tobyfreefoot]

susan, shannon's mom-i am soo sorry you had these awful experiences. my boss put his hand over forest's picture that was on the wall at my job and said "you need to get rid of this" a week after i came back to work. he even meant well but it just broke my heart. i can't imagine how you must have felt. i wouldn't have been so composed i'm afraid. also i wish you luck with the irs. that is the most terrible thing and i know you don't feel like dealing with that. i had to call 15 times and it took more than 2 months to get a correct accident report for forest from texas dot. they hung up the phone on me, yelled at me and generally left me in tears everytime i talked to them. surely the irs will be more concerned and professional. it isn't like it isn't already a nightmare. i hope it gets cleared up really fast and the person responsible gets caught.

colleen, brian's mom-thanks for your suggestions. it is hard to know what to do for them.

everyone else thank you so much for responding.

i received this message today from my son's previous girlfriend, it made tears come to my eyes but i really appreciate her sending it to me--

• i feel like the great life and great friends i have now are all due to forest. i dont know what i would have ever ever done without him. i owe him a lot.

[ericasmom]

Wow, Sisters Lake, I have a good friend whose family used to go there and had a cottage there. Still do I think, the Clancy's.

I am not surprised then that you saw Erica's accident on the news since you are so close. Yes, I know just what you mean, before Eri died, I thought how do parents get through that? And then I found out...one moment at a time and with the help from those that get it. I am sorry for the ache in your lives.

[ericasmom]

Toby's Mom, that was a great message to hear from Toby's Girl. He led her to new people before he left. May she take this gift and make good of it. I cannot stand that your boss asked you to take down the photo of your Boy...no no no. The reminders don't make us sad, it is those that don't remember that make us sad.

Laura, I agree with your little one, Payton played a lovely trick on you, crawled into bed to let you know that he is there, very close, and he loves you forever. You will always be his Momma, he wants you to know that even when you cannot feel him, he is near.

[Jeff's Mom]

To all my dear friends, please hang in there. Know that you are not alone. That others walk along this path with you holding your hand. We will find our way eventually. Please do not give up hope. Yes, we are given signs that are personal and private. Keep the faith. Do not let others push your buttons. Most of the time they do not really intend to be so insensitive. They do not understand what we are going through. Losing a child is the hardest thing of all. We are stronger then we could ever imagine. Just look at us...we are doing this. Talking openly about our pain. That is a very brave thing to do. So, keep plugging along. Try to find forgivenes in your heart in order to find peace. We need to let go of the anger and frustration. It takes time to move ahead. Ask yourself this much. If they were still with us this very night what would they think of us? They would want us to be strong and remember them with love and respect... which we do. But to also let the anger go. Grieve for them, yes....but keep on living our lives in a positive way. Honour their lives positively. Just a thought.

Two years after my son's death I had the best day of ever today. No particular reason. The weather was wonderful. We ran some errands and had two long walks. But I started to feel a freedom from pain I had never felt until today. It is there if you can let it open up after a period of time. As much as I hate to say this, life keeps on going even though they are dead. They will not be coming back... so we must face it and keep strong in the knowledge that we loved them and they loved us. That we will see them again when it is the right time. There is nothing wrong about admitting we are enjoying life again. I'm pretty sure they are. And they would want that for us. So, to all who are new on this journey...one day at a time and one step at a time is all that you can do. But do not lose hope. You will feel better one day. You will start to find a new direction and you will always carry them with you...with the never ending love that is in your heart. Love never dies.

[andy88]

Hello Friends,

Just thought I would stop by to say hello. First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY PAYTON!!

Kate, what you have said below is so so true...love never dies. I'm so glad you had a great day. I'm doing really well I think. I have a new job that I love after my awful review a couple months ago. I work with people who know me, love me, and begin to understand the depth of what I've been through. For that I am immensely grateful. Sold my house and am moving in April...I think it will be a fresh start for me.

I just want to say a huge ~ thank you ~ to everyone here who helped me through the first year and continue to help me still. I still miss my beloved Andy every minute of every day, but as you promised, it is getting softer. I don't often feel guilty for feeling happiness anymore. I know for a fact, I wouldn't be in the place I'm at without all of you wonderful earth angels. And now it is my turn to help others on this lonely, painful road. Thank you one and all. I do read every day, though I'm not very good about posting :-) Hugs to all!

With love,

Pam

[Maddy6]

Kate, thank you so very much for your words of life. I needed to hear that. It has been over 4 years and I need to be reminded of everything you said. Thank you, I am so glad you had such a wonderful day.Becky, I did not get to watch the video yet. I will pm you later, after I see it. Thank you for sending it to me.Love, Maddy

[ericasmom]

Pam, so good to hear that the pain is getting softer. We say what we know, and you can tell those newer to this ache your experience with this as well. I do feel that being here and letting others know that one day it will not hurt with the same intensity is important. I am sure that your Boy Andy is smiling on you as you find your steps.

Kate, so good to know too, that you have enjoyed your day so much. How nice that you could let some of the weight go adn as we say, once you let some of that go, it allows for more light, for more of the good in the world to enter in. And I am sure that our Babies are glad beyond words when they see us living in the light again.

Peaceful sleep All, I am heading to bed, great sleepiness overtakes...Good night

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: I agree, the poem is truly beautiful. You do take us to the places that you see with your eyes, but through your heart. Thank you for sharing. And, yes, Mike and I did relax last night, just fell into our chairs and sat with each other, quietly, thankfully.

Sherry: So cute, hearing about the lambs. Must be awesome to watch. I remember when I was expecting Mike, I was doing needlework and saw a kit with a cute picture of a lamb, jumping through a meadow. It was about 16 x 20, and I didn’t know if I would have the wherewithal to get through it to the end. The lamb itself was a “turkey stitch” if I remember the name correctly, and I had to get my sister to show me how to do it. It turned out so cute and I remember when my sister saw it, she said that the lamb was “gamboling” in the meadow. I’d never heard the word before and every time I looked at that picture, I felt a lift to my heart. Your descriptions of the lambs in the field brought me back to that memory. So good to see the signs of spring, isn’t it. Thank you for your continued prayers.

Amy: Thank you for your prayers, also. How are things with you? Do you have any tickets for the baseball games coming up? It is hard to believe they will soon be playing again.

Becky: I haven't watched the video yet, but will later today (Sunday). I am so sorry that you have a reason to do all of this and so sorry that you are running into so many obstacles in your effort to make your street safer in your beautiful JD's name.

Betty: Yes, I've seen your posts on Mike's Care Pages, and truly appreciate your posts and taking the time to read. I know that I can be long-winded, but there is sometimes so much to report. And I like to make it a little less "clinical" by including some of the more personal points as well. All of you who have posted on the Care Pages...Lynn, Betsy, Marcia, Trudi, and please forgive me for not remembering all. We do appreciate you, every one. If anyone would like to see his Care Pages (where we do updates and people can leave messages, etc., or just check in to see how he's doing, the url is https://www.carepages.com/login Once you are on the site, you have to register, but it is not complicated and I think only asks your name and age. Mike's identifier for his pages is HOWSRALPH. After you register, you enter the name of the site you want to visit.

Robyn: so glad you got your coursework finished. Good for you! I don’t know about others here (though I feel as though they are the same), but often during the day, I will think about our “family” here and my thoughts will turn to a prayer for you all, as well as a prayer of thanksgiving for the gift of all of you. Granddaughter is a cutie pie!

Pam: I am so glad to hear that you are doing well, and glad that you are feeling happiness once again.

Colleen: So good of you to give such good advice and so great that you have helped Aaron and Michelle so much in their grief, as well. You have walked a long journey, Colleen, and have shared much of your wisdom with us. Thank you.

Maddy: Just saying hello to you and sending my love and caring to you.

Kate: so glad that you had a good day. Your words are wise and caring, thank you for sharing. Yes, it does get softer, and yes we do find our laughter again. It is strange at first, but eventually we begin to feel comfortable with it and know that our child is happy for us to be laughing. Mike asked me to do two things for him; to be sure his boys knew about the Red Sox, and to be sure I did not die because he did. They were sad moments, and sad to remember that he had a need to say them, but wonderful to remember they came from his heart, and wonderful to hold onto.

Lorri: The poem was so tender and beautiful, sad, yet comforting to remind us that we will one day again be reunited with our sweet angels. So good to see your post. I hope all is well with you and your family.

Darlene: I am glad that you are working on Ali’s garden. I know that he will love it, and be happy that you are working on it. It sounds like it is going to wonderful. After Mike died, I found a site where I could create a memorial website for Mike and I worked on that endlessly, far into many, many nights. It kept me sane and gave me a chance to “talk” to him, to put down the memories and to keep them in place.

We have a small garden at the end of our house in memory of Mike. His sons had a birch twig flower arrangement at his services, and it is hanging there still. Flowers are long gone, but I usually put something in the middle to associate with the season. His boys have collected some heart-shaped rocks over the last 6-8 months, and we will put them there in the spring.

Trudi: Yes, a yellow convertible BUG, out of nowhere, in the middle of nowhere, in the northern hills of New Hampshire. I am so sorry that you have such hurting memories of how Amanda handled things when Mike needed help. Thoughtless and cruel and hateful. My heart aches for you.

Shelly: Thank you so much for your kind words and continued prayers.

Betsy: Good to see your Rich’s beautiful smiling face. How are you?

Laura: Your “bubby” is a darling, and so cute to send such a sweet sign to you. These signs are so precious, and it is so sweet that you share them with the “rug rats,” and even cuter that they understand and enjoy them with you. I am sorry I didn’t get online sooner so I could wish happy birthday to him. I will now.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAYTON, sweet child, I know you had a wonderful birthday with all of our angels, and thank you for sending your momma such a sweet sign.

Diane: {{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you.

Gretchen: I don’t think I have welcomed you to BI yet. Please know that you are in a very good place, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Forest, and so sorry that you had a reason to search for such a place as BI, but so very glad that you found us. Such a nice thing for Forest’s girlfriend to do, sending you that note. I am sure it made your heart feel warm. I am sorry that your boss felt it would be better for you not to have your son’s picture nearby. I too had a cruel boss, but had a coworker who helped tremendously. One of the other employees asked her one day why I kept the pictures of Mike on my desk, (I had two; one of him and one of him with his kids.) She told them “her son died but it’s not like he never lived.”

Susan: I am so sorry that someone jumped into your life by using beautiful Shannon's name for their own personal gain. (Sorry that it happened to you, also, Maddy) It is just inthinkable and cruel, but I guess anyone who would do such a thing is just not thinking of anyone besides themselves.

It has been really weird, here, weatherwise. Yesterday (Friday) it was 72 degrees, and we woke up this morning to 2 1/2 inches of snow on the ground! Weird. I heard they had huge hailstones in Hawaii... Our weather is supposed to warm up again tomorrrow and be that way for most of the coming week. The snow today had melted off the street and sidewalks by noon.

I would just like to say again thank you to all of you for being so supportive and caring during this time with Mike and I over his medical problems. It is so good to know that so many are reaching out and offering their love and prayers. We are blessed.

[mikesmum]

Yesterday I finally got an external hard drive for this ole clunker so I can clean out and file the many docs and pics stored here.

As I opened file after file, I found the last 5yrs unfolding. There were ravings, ramblings half written, saved at ridiculous times. Copies of the same pictures over and over, saved a million times over. Looking at it now it would appear that I didn't sleep at all in 2007, hardly in 2008 and in short spurts 2009.

There were all the documents from the court case with my company to 'prove' that PTSD & Grieving co-exist. There were many poems, words I took from here, other posts. Some soothing, some expressing the ache, the hole in my being.

There were 'works' I had begun before Mike's death. A leather bound book with a large brass interlock in the centre of the front cover was given to be by my then partner. The book had been handmade, the pages choosen to reflect the books individuality

This was one of the first entries into what was to be 'my life's journal'. It has laid dormant for over 5yrs. . Maybe the 'ravings of the demented' will make some sense and find their way into "Book".

http://www.jasesbooks.com.au/SC-Q_WardrobeIII.html

MOONLIGHT

I see you there, your form hidden by the passing shadow. A tiny ray of alabaster light edges the clouds. In a breath you are gone. I fear that I will never see you again, the cold chilling me, yet I am spell bound by your movement.

I look away, albeit briefly and am bathed in a wondrous softness. I turn to find you rising above the dark, illuminating all before you. My eyes transfixed, my mind at peace, I am hypnotised by your beauty.

My gaze is broken by the wonderland before me; the night no longer a mystery. Your luminescence touches the landscape; soft curves and rugged ranges revealed under a satin incandescent light.

This is my world. I am nurtured by the silence and empowered by its beauty. As I watch you rise even higher escaping the dark fingers of the clouds, my world is in harmony. I wait with eagerness for your return.

[Maddy6]

Trudi,The book is gorgeous. It makes me want to get one. Also, are you saying you wrote the poem Moonlight? I was dumbstruck by its beauty. That was sooooo good. How can that be the ravings of the demented? It is so incredibly beautiful. Such beauty when you were in such pain. Love,Maddy

[mikesmum]

Maddy ~ Just popped in before bed time (its 11.14pm Sunday here) Yes the book is amazing. It was commissioned by my now husband. It arrived in time for my birthday.

Yes I did write Moonlight. I have large windows that look out over the mountains here. I have always been a child of the moon/ocean. Drawn to both for serenity and strength.

Those early days I struggled with the horror that if Mike could be gone in a heart beat, I needed to find everything I could to validate his exisitence. Kind of a 'Proof of Life'.

Ahh Denial....I can now smile when I say it....'da nile' like the river, the pyriamids.. My denial remained on a 'professional level' for almost a year. It seemed whenever I talked about losing Mike outside of this site I was talking about someone elses loss, didn't related it to myself.

The PTSD that hit you with Katrina most definitely had you when you lost Rachael. Its a double whammy.

Its funny, I would read how people had made quilts from their child's clothing, set up foundations, memorial days and yes I thought at times...why didn't I do that. But Maddy, like they say we all grieve in our own way, we all have our own stories and we remember the best way we can....the love however, never ever dies.

Must log off....I have been trying for these past months to attempt a regular sleep pattern...It kinda works.....in bed before midnight, up at 4am and a 'nanna nap' in the afternoon when I can....

**I went to reply to Maddy, and it quoted her whole post, gremlins?**

[ericasmom]

My Sweet TRud, what beauty in your words, it was like a walk in the moonlight for me when I read the poem, and it is sunny and daytime here. WOw, strong and hauntingly beautiful. I also love the leather book, so pretty. Lovely adn yes, I hope that you will transcribe some of your work, some of your path into this gorgeous keeper of thoughts. Thanks for sharing Deary. I hope your new bedtime rituals help you sleep more. Do you spring forward on your clocks in Australia?

Maddy, Trudi said it best, we do what we can when we can on our own schedule of time. Your main job now is clear and you are reaching for the answers to how to live your best life with your family. That is what is number #1 important.

Carol, I am glad for your relaxing with Mike, how nice. Yep, our weather has been lovely for a couple of days and heading your way, we had the cold and snowy/rain mix several days ago in the midst of warm temps. Odd is right. And Hawaii had some crazy amount of rain along with the hail storms...I guess if there is odd weather here, it is sure to be odd elsewhere. Trudi had a mild summer too I think.

[ericasmom]

Hi Again, well I sat downstairs in the windows I love to write in my journal and to look at birds landing in the old magnolia tree, and a train whistle sounded, the kind of sounding, that feels like Eri saying hi mommmmmm, so I smiled and said, hi Bing, (one of my nicknames for her) and I wrote the date in my journal realizing with the hello and the date that it is the anniversary of when we moved into the house in Oak Park, just before she was born. March 11, 1984, Jon was 2.5 and I was almost as big as the house, having gained almost 60 pounds with my little girl. Eri came on April 4th, and there we were, the four of us on Euclid Street, joyous at life. Grateful for memories, even if tears are in my eyes.

Yesterday my niece Kate and her two little ones, Nayeli and Xavier came to our house and Shan came over from her house two blocks away and together we walked about a mole and a half to meet up with nephews and friends at the early st.pats day parade in the next town. Jonathan's store is on the route so we of course stood there on the street to watch the parade after sharing lunch at a restaurant that my nephew Mike manages. It was sunny and windy but warm, and what a balm to everyone's spirits to spend the day outdoors. We were out from 12:00-4:00, and it has been many months since being able to spend 4 hours in the sunlight. I always run into a ton of folks I know there, and sure enough, there were three of Eri's best buddies; Carla, Karolyn, Bridget smiling just as though they did when they were in second grade only now, they are 27 and 28 years old. So lovely, their friendships still bridging them through thick and thin, just as I am sure ERi's love for them is. Carla is pregnant, and looks so beautiful, glowingly so.

Eri bless her child and let all the babies coming to friends and family be safe and strong and happy in their lives.

[ericasmom]

Forgot to add that yesterday I heard the call, the call of hundreds of whooping and or sand cranes. From what I have learned, they often join up in migration back north from their winter homes in Texas and Florida. How cool, standing in the yard with my husband talking with neighbors over the fence when the call of whooping became evident, and over head, pretty high up, a line of birds whooping it up. About 20 minutes later, another rush of whoopers and then another. Happily, Nayeli and Xavier were with us by the time the third group flew overhead.

AHHH, migration such a fine thing to see and watch.

[Jeff's Mom]

Morning everyone. Glad to see that everyone had a decent day yesterday. I woke up to yet another glorious day. Even my dog is in a spring like mood. Her tail was wagging in complete circles as we headed out for a stroll.

Dee...my husband and I have always had a competition since we were first married as to who would see the first robin of the season. He always wins! Well, not always, but mostly. The arrival of the first birds coming back from migration is amazing. Thousands upon thousands of birds flying overhead to their summer destination. It is always so uplifting to hear the sound of birds again. In the winter here there is such a silence that falls over everything. Eventually you become used to it.

Glad you had such a lovely day yesterday. And an early St. Pat's Day Parade sounds like fun. My Gram was Irish and we always celebrated the day with food and good cheer. Still love to make our traditional fare for the 17th.

Well, off to church and then another hike. Enjoy your day everyone.

Kate

Trudi...Moonlight is so very lovely. I am really enjoying reading everyone's poetry. Thanks for sharing with us.

[ericasmom]

Kate, I see that the cranes will soon arrive in Canada for the season. How nice, I just stopped in to talk with a naturalist at the nature center near here, I was out walking with my monocular, and asked her about the cranes from yesterday, she said that they were likely sandhill cranes with some whooping in there as well. I think that I saw a harrier today, though not sure, I will have to look them up online to see...I know it was a bird of prey, looked like a hawk of some sort but a total white chest and light colored beak. It was perched in one of my favorite spots to hang out today, so pretty. I also was lucky enough to see the pair of blue herons at the slough. Gorgeous birds. I wrote eri's name in sticks down there today, just needing to see her name at the edge of the water that she so loved to visit when she was a little one. Many ducks and geese today, all the pairs hanging together. As far as robins, they stay here for the winter now, not all of them but more each year as they have adapted to our climate and food source and our climate too, has changed to be milder so while they do not sing their most wonderful music until spring-like temps, they are here.

[Amber37]

http://vimeo.com/37099082 This is a video my daughters friend made in her memory. She was an awesome dancer. I miss her so much

[robyn]

Yesterday I finally got an external hard drive for this ole clunker so I can clean out and file the many docs and pics stored here.

As I opened file after file, I found the last 5yrs unfolding. There were ravings, ramblings half written, saved at ridiculous times. Copies of the same pictures over and over, saved a million times over. Looking at it now it would appear that I didn't sleep at all in 2007, hardly in 2008 and in short spurts 2009.

There were all the documents from the court case with my company to 'prove' that PTSD & Grieving co-exist. There were many poems, words I took from here, other posts. Some soothing, some expressing the ache, the hole in my being.

There were 'works' I had begun before Mike's death. A leather bound book with a large brass interlock in the centre of the front cover was given to be by my then partner. The book had been handmade, the pages choosen to reflect the books individuality

This was one of the first entries into what was to be 'my life's journal'. It has laid dormant for over 5yrs. . Maybe the 'ravings of the demented' will make some sense and find their way into "Book".

http://www.jasesbooks.com.au/SC-Q_WardrobeIII.html

MOONLIGHT

I see you there, your form hidden by the passing shadow. A tiny ray of alabaster light edges the clouds. In a breath you are gone. I fear that I will never see you again, the cold chilling me, yet I am spell bound by your movement.

I look away, albeit briefly and am bathed in a wondrous softness. I turn to find you rising above the dark, illuminating all before you. My eyes transfixed, my mind at peace, I am hypnotised by your beauty.

My gaze is broken by the wonderland before me; the night no longer a mystery. Your luminescence touches the landscape; soft curves and rugged ranges revealed under a satin incandescent light.

This is my world. I am nurtured by the silence and empowered by its beauty. As I watch you rise even higher escaping the dark fingers of the clouds, my world is in harmony. I wait with eagerness for your return.

This is so beautiful!

[ericasmom]

She was an awesome dancer to be sure. . . what a beautiful tribute. What a beautiful girl. I am weeping for all you have lost. And while she and Erica don't look alike, their enthusiasm while with friends is so familiar, it touched me to see her laughing and dancing with her friend. I have a few videos that were given to me, one of Eri and Susannah(one of her closest friends) together over the years as they loved making videos, and one that my niece and nephew put together for the wake, and one of several of Eri's friends when they were young teens being silly together. I rarely watch them, I find that I can't but I am so glad to have them, artifacts from another time.

[Maddy6]

Okay, I officially went to the gym today. My husband and 2 of my sons go regularly. I used to work out and was big into physical fitness in my OLD life. Yes, that is what I call it. My old life was before Rachael's death and before that, Hurricane Katrina. Now I was getting there on the Katrina recovery, but Rachael's death ended life as I knew it. I used to be in pretty good shape, and had a pretty positive outlook. That was in my old life, oh yeah, I was a pretty good mom at one time too. Sooooo sorry for this long and negative tirade, as I need to tell somebody.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soooo today I went to the gym and rode the recumbent bike for 1 hour. That was it. So tomorrow I will do that again. Every day, as a start. Then maybe, eventually I could even begin to work out again. I had tried unsuccessfully in the past to reclaim my old life by going back in he gym, but was never successful. Sooo I will try every day to just go and ride the bike, hopefully I can make it 1 hour and read at the same time. I figure the exercise will help me with the depression and getting a life again. Whatever life that is .......because I don't care about a lot of things I used to, hence the lack of physical exercise.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So thank you for listening to my gloomy outlook and perhaps it will improve as I continue to seek improvement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Also, I thought perhaps we could turn our backyard into a garden for Rachael and that will be good also. So many of you have done such things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Again I wish I could have a more positive outlook and not always be such a downer. Perhaps one day,instead of saying .....in my old life.....I could say I am the new and improved model :-) LOL......hopefully :-) Trudi, still thinking about that absolutely beautiful moonlit poem :-) you and a few others on here, need to write a book. :-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Love, Maddy LINES ARE TO SEPARATE BECAUSE THE IPAD WILL NOT FORMAT IT.

[tobyfreefoot]

good for you!! i'm in terrible shape and i know it would help but i can't get inspired. the worst of it is one of the last times i saw forest he said i should lose some weight because he needed me to live a long long time because he wouldn't know what to do without me.

Okay, I officially went to the gym today. My husband and 2 of my sons go regularly. I used to work out and was big into physical fitness in my OLD life. Yes, that is what I call it. My old life was before Rachael's death and before that, Hurricane Katrina. Now I was getting there on the Katrina recovery, but Rachael's death ended life as I knew it. I used to be in pretty good shape, and had a pretty positive outlook. That was in my old life, oh yeah, I was a pretty good mom at one time too. Sooooo sorry for this long and negative tirade, as I need to tell somebody.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soooo today I went to the gym and rode the recumbent bike for 1 hour. That was it. So tomorrow I will do that again. Every day, as a start. Then maybe, eventually I could even begin to work out again. I had tried unsuccessfully in the past to reclaim my old life by going back in he gym, but was never successful. Sooo I will try every day to just go and ride the bike, hopefully I can make it 1 hour and read at the same time. I figure the exercise will help me with the depression and getting a life again. Whatever life that is .......because I don't care about a lot of things I used to, hence the lack of physical exercise.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So thank you for listening to my gloomy outlook and perhaps it will improve as I continue to seek improvement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Also, I thought perhaps we could turn our backyard into a garden for Rachael and that will be good also. So many of you have done such things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Again I wish I could have a more positive outlook and not always be such a downer. Perhaps one day,instead of saying .....in my old life.....I could say I am the new and improved model :-) LOL......hopefully :-) Trudi, still thinking about that absolutely beautiful moonlit poem :-) you and a few others on here, need to write a book. :-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Love, Maddy LINES ARE TO SEPARATE BECAUSE THE IPAD WILL NOT FORMAT IT.

[robyn]

Okay, I officially went to the gym today. My husband and 2 of my sons go regularly. I used to work out and was big into physical fitness in my OLD life. Yes, that is what I call it. My old life was before Rachael's death and before that, Hurricane Katrina. Now I was getting there on the Katrina recovery, but Rachael's death ended life as I knew it. I used to be in pretty good shape, and had a pretty positive outlook. That was in my old life, oh yeah, I was a pretty good mom at one time too. Sooooo sorry for this long and negative tirade, as I need to tell somebody.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soooo today I went to the gym and rode the recumbent bike for 1 hour. That was it. So tomorrow I will do that again. Every day, as a start. Then maybe, eventually I could even begin to work out again. I had tried unsuccessfully in the past to reclaim my old life by going back in he gym, but was never successful. Sooo I will try every day to just go and ride the bike, hopefully I can make it 1 hour and read at the same time. I figure the exercise will help me with the depression and getting a life again. Whatever life that is .......because I don't care about a lot of things I used to, hence the lack of physical exercise.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So thank you for listening to my gloomy outlook and perhaps it will improve as I continue to seek improvement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Also, I thought perhaps we could turn our backyard into a garden for Rachael and that will be good also. So many of you have done such things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Again I wish I could have a more positive outlook and not always be such a downer. Perhaps one day,instead of saying .....in my old life.....I could say I am the new and improved model :-) LOL......hopefully :-) Trudi, still thinking about that absolutely beautiful moonlit poem :-) you and a few others on here, need to write a book. :-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Love, Maddy LINES ARE TO SEPARATE BECAUSE THE IPAD WILL NOT FORMAT IT.

Good for you Maddy! You GO girl!.....as for me, I got tired reading about it...;D

Robyn

[Jeff's Mom]

Okay, I officially went to the gym today. My husband and 2 of my sons go regularly. I used to work out and was big into physical fitness in my OLD life. Yes, that is what I call it. My old life was before Rachael's death and before that, Hurricane Katrina. Now I was getting there on the Katrina recovery, but Rachael's death ended life as I knew it. I used to be in pretty good shape, and had a pretty positive outlook. That was in my old life, oh yeah, I was a pretty good mom at one time too. Sooooo sorry for this long and negative tirade, as I need to tell somebody.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Soooo today I went to the gym and rode the recumbent bike for 1 hour. That was it. So tomorrow I will do that again. Every day, as a start. Then maybe, eventually I could even begin to work out again. I had tried unsuccessfully in the past to reclaim my old life by going back in he gym, but was never successful. Sooo I will try every day to just go and ride the bike, hopefully I can make it 1 hour and read at the same time. I figure the exercise will help me with the depression and getting a life again. Whatever life that is .......because I don't care about a lot of things I used to, hence the lack of physical exercise.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ So thank you for listening to my gloomy outlook and perhaps it will improve as I continue to seek improvement. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Also, I thought perhaps we could turn our backyard into a garden for Rachael and that will be good also. So many of you have done such things. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Again I wish I could have a more positive outlook and not always be such a downer. Perhaps one day,instead of saying .....in my old life.....I could say I am the new and improved model :-) LOL......hopefully :-) Trudi, still thinking about that absolutely beautiful moonlit poem :-) you and a few others on here, need to write a book. :-) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Love, Maddy LINES ARE TO SEPARATE BECAUSE THE IPAD WILL NOT FORMAT IT.

Hi Maddy, glad to see you pushed yourself to get that exercise. Never aplogize for feeling gloomy. Hey, it's allowed. We all have our ups and downs. I too put my life into another catagory after Jeff died. Life before and now life after. Things change and become duller after. It takes polishing and hard work to bring a gleam back into things. I know it takes hard work and some days you just don't want to be bothered. Days off are allowed as far as I am concerned. Just make sure you take care of yourself and get back up on that horse before too long.

I went for a lovely walk with my husband along a trail in a nearby provincial park. The sun was warm and lovely. Suddenly out of the blue I burst out crying. My husband told me there have not been enough tears shed and it was about time. I suddenly became overwhelmed with the deepest sense of emptiness at his absence from my life. We are mothers. They will always be our children...it feels as natural as the air I breathe. Keep trying with your exercise routine. Just go whenever you feel you can. You have been through a great deal and I admire you so greatly for your perseverence. Hang in there.

Did anybody watch the Sarah Palin movie last evening? Good acting. Will not comment on the rest.

Trudi....again I just wanted to say how beautiful your poem is.

[tobyfreefoot]

amber--thanks for sharing the wonderful video of your daughter. i'm sure you hang on every tiny familiar movement she makes. i am so thankful for technology. i also have a tribute video of forest made by his best friend. if you watch it you may need to keep in mind he was a video game tournament organizer and he is playing princess peach (always) during the super smash brothers bits. i love watching him shrug his shoulder back when he does the rap thing. i have seen it a million times and am so glad it was captured on video.

My link

i mentioned the note sent by his previous girlfriend...she was not the current one that died with him but the one before. she sent me this second message last night.

i mean it from the bottom of my heart.i feel like i wake up every day and forest is holding my hand. because of him i have everything i need to survive now

thanks for letting me share guys. i need to so badly, i so don't want him forgotten. god i love him so much i don't know if i can keep on, i am so tired of him being gone.

[mikesmum]

Thank you all for your kind comments on my Moonlight. Truly a child of the moon and ocean...

Mild or non existent summer down south. The temp here the last couple of nights has been 4C 39F...brrr.

The walking, the gym, the just being outside all part of the healing. I remember a walk I took with Dee in '09. Its was late and humid. The feeling of being 'lighter' after that walk was something I will never forget. It was the being outside, talking openly and having the company of someone who knew my story and shared her own.

As for me, well Sir Muttley is responsible for my daily 'one foot in front of the other'. He also sits patiently when I am hit with a thought of 'gone'.

Gretchen ~ Mike had an ex he had been with for 10yrs. She is my solid rock link to my son. Even though she has moved onto the next stage in her life, Mike is, was, always will be her first love. He still holds her heart...evident by her posts on his site.

Well while its still chilly the sun is shining and the pup needs his latte

Its a public holiday here....funnily I never seem to notice one day different from another.

[ericasmom]

Oh Man, Forest has a bright spirit, so sweet. He just lights up a room doesn't he. Even in his voice, there is a lightness. I am glad that you have this footage of him mixed with the music and the video games. very nice indeed.

Go Muttley Dear, go have that latte. Trudi, that was a fine walk we had. There was heat lightening all around us, and the humidity was at around 98%, some ridiculous amount, but I too felt that our walk that night was a wonderful gift that I will always have.

Maddy, good for you getting to the gym. Heck, an hour on the recumbant is a workout. Great job, I hope you felt good for it.

[lolynbo]

LORRI, love to see you here, and love the poem found in the locket...How the hell are you? Are you feeling well? How is Kody? Kimmy? What is new at Kourtney's Kloset?

THANKS GALS....KIDS R GREAT KIMMY HAS INTERVIEW TUESDAY IN CHICAGO THEY ARE FLYING HER THERE FOR A FACE TO FACE......KODY GOT A BIG BOY JOB HES ON HIS 3RDWEEK.....I FEEL FINE IM 2 MONTHS OUT FROM SURGERY...STILL TENDER...KOURTNEYS KLOSET IS DOING GREAT...WEVE GIVIN AWAY SO FAR 18K ITEMS IN 3 YRS....

KIMMYS GRANNY HAS STAGE 4 LUNG CANCER....NOT GOOD...SHES SO UPSET..AND STRESSED OUT...

HAVE DECIDED FOR KOURTNEYS 4TH ANGELVERSERY IM RELEASING WHITE DOVES....THEY DELIVER FROM DALLAS AND OF COURSE THE BIRDS FLY HOME IM SUPER EXCEITED

[ericasmom]

Lorri, where in Chicago? I work just outside of Chicago, wouldn't that be a hoot if she worked here and you came to visit her and you visit us as well? Wish her luck. Will they send a car for her or put her in a cab? Love the idea of white doves, and I am thrilled for Kody to have gotten a job---a big boy job. Tell him how happy i am for him.

[517958]

1331432357' post='85263']

Two years after my son's death I had the best day of ever today. No particular reason. The weather was wonderful. We ran some errands and had two long walks. But I started to feel a freedom from pain I had never felt until today. It is there if you can let it open up after a period of time. As much as I hate to say this, life keeps on going even though they are dead. They will not be coming back... so we must face it and keep strong in the knowledge that we loved them and they loved us. That we will see them again when it is the right time. There is nothing wrong about admitting we are enjoying life again. I'm pretty sure they are. And they would want that for us. So, to all who are new on this journey...one day at a time and one step at a time is all that you can do. But do not lose hope. You will feel better one day. You will start to find a new direction and you will always carry them with you...with the never ending love that is in your heart. Love never dies.

Kate, thanks so much for these words. I was thinking today that I'm caught in a nightmare that I will never wake up from - that I will always be a prisoner of this terrible pain I fell all day long every day. It helps to hear that I may feel some peace sometime in the future.

I have another one for " The Book." My friend asked me how I was doing and when I said it was pretty bad, she said, "STILL?" I guess I only get like 6 month to feel bad.