Loss of an Adult Child

March 14, 2012

maddy...i so understand what you are saying about who you were as opposed to who you are now...the IDC person. i am so the IDC person now, too. i don't want to go back to work because IDC. IDC about much these days. i think you are awesome for going back to school...i don't know how you do it...but to think about going to work after graduating, well, you don't really have to go if you don't want to just because you have a dgree, do you? just be proud you did it....i sure am proud of you...i could never do that right now....i have no desire to do anything like that now.

i am so sorry that your son has to have heart surgery. i understand the turmoil of having to make the tough decision of yes or no....my police officer son has a 'bicuspid valve'....most people have a 'tricuspid valve'....we were told he would one day have to have a valve replacement. so far, he is ok. he has had some syncope episodes and his heart rate is always elevated and his BP is either up or down, depending on the situation. sometimes his heart is racing and that is when he is resting. it is so weird. he does not take meds, but did when he was younger. he is not allowed to lift weights, or lift anything above his head....strange, they let him become a police officer and i couldn't tell you how many times he had been on chases on foot and subdued a suspect, etc. i won't even go into the rest of his job because it makes me lose it....there are so many things he won't even tell me because he knows it would worry me too much. thank goodness for that.... :blink: anyway, i so understand your concerns and i hope that you can come to terms with your decision and maybe sit down with the cardiologist and the surgeon at the same time and go over everything together and make the decision that is right for your son. i know it is a difficult one to say the least. i will keep you close and pray for a positive outcome. thinking of you......love, diane

March 14, 2012

forest's ex is a big comfort to me. the girl that made the video has been his best friend since they were five. her grief is almost on par with mine. though it is good to have someone else suffering with me, understanding so well it is tragic because she is so young. also your moonlight poem was great!

Thank you all for your kind comments on my Moonlight. Truly a child of the moon and ocean...
Mild or non existent summer down south. The temp here the last couple of nights has been 4C 39F...brrr.
The walking, the gym, the just being outside all part of the healing. I remember a walk I took with Dee in '09. Its was late and humid. The feeling of being 'lighter' after that walk was something I will never forget. It was the being outside, talking openly and having the company of someone who knew my story and shared her own.
As for me, well Sir Muttley is responsible for my daily 'one foot in front of the other'. He also sits patiently when I am hit with a thought of 'gone'.
Gretchen ~ Mike had an ex he had been with for 10yrs. She is my solid rock link to my son. Even though she has moved onto the next stage in her life, Mike is, was, always will be her first love. He still holds her heart...evident by her posts on his site.
Well while its still chilly the sun is shining and the pup needs his latte
Its a public holiday here....funnily I never seem to notice one day different from another.

March 14, 2012

i texted a message to my son's phone to tell him i loved him and missed him and his number had been reassigned. some one wrote who is this? i texted back and they said they were sorry and they missed talking with their mom. it is so sad for me that his number is reassigned. i thought i could text him always.

Thank you so much for the prayer line. I am so sorry for your loss, my daughter died on 10/14/11, so the 14ths are hard. Tonia, no help here, I am new and blazing a trail I have no idea how to blaze. I do know the loneliness you feel, I am so lost without my daily talks with Cherry. I use to log in and put money on her phone each month, I just got the cancellation notice. That is it, she WAS here but is GONE. It hurts so bad, I want to collapse in tears ad melt into the floor. I am inconsolable.
I love you and pray that we can boh make it through this "14th".
Love and ((((HUGS)))
-Ronnie

March 14, 2012

i'm glad to hear of the actions you took in the court. some people have placed blame on the girl that was driving when my son died. though she died too many kids seemed angry that "she killed forest". i never let that thought finish crossing my mind when it started to enter. it was an accident. i felt like if my son had been the one driving i couldn't stand people blaming him. even if he had lived i think it would have taken his joy of life away. very good of you to find forgiveness, giving your daughter's friend a better chance at having a life. either way your beautiful child won't return and she probably would be so proud of your kind heart.

This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster. Erica’s birthday with her so far away, not being able to hold her and hug her for a happy birthday kiss. Sierra competing at the State level in gymnastics…what a thrill to be a part of that! The ending of gymnastic season, which our whole family is involved in. Sierra’s birthday today. My youngest baby is 17! We feel so incomplete without Jilly here to celebrate with us. She would have been the last minute shopper, as she always was. She would have been the loudest voice in the crowd, yelling “ GO FEENY!” as Sierra did her beam routine. I went out to her grave today and laid down next to her grave blanket and wept…deep gut wrenching sobs from my soul that had been needing a release for awhile now. As I cried, the sun came out, warming my face. I opened my eyes, and when I could focus, I saw two birds practicing their flight. They were in no particular hurry and stayed above me for several minutes. I thought of Jillian and how she is a “Freebird” now. I imagined that I could hear her saying “Mom, don’t be so sad! When you are sad, it means you think I am not here. I’M HERE! I’M HERE!!!! I am right next to your heart. I am so close you can’t even imagine it!”
Then I remembered a song one of her friends had posted on her page called Never Alone. My favorite verse is “Never alone, never alone. I’ll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown. Wherever you fly, it isn’t goodbye, My love will follow you, stay with you; you’re never alone.”
I sat up and looked at her grave blanket, still so pretty after 3 months. I examined each item that had been lovingly placed there by someone who misses Jilly. An ornament, a hat, a dove, a crown, a sign, a flower or butterfly, an angel, a stuffed animal. A note, or ribbon, or chime. Her hippo. The tiny bottle of ketchup made me cry, and laugh too. Jilly so loved her ketchup! Soon we will have to dismantle it and save each item to be put into next winter’s grave blanket. It is obvious that several people go there still to talk to her besides our family. I look forward to warmer dry days where I can spread out a blanket and have lunch there. I know that sounds odd, she isn’t really there at all, but for now, I need to be close to the physical shell that I gave birth to. Soon we will have to decide what headstone will best fit her personality. I am grateful to God for my babies….all three of them, for I shall always be the mother of three daughters, no matter what. Just as Erica lives in California and Sierra lives in Michigan, Jillian lives in Heaven. Sure wish there were a post office there! Or better yet, Skype! Wouldn't that be great?
Kate, what a wonderful thing Ali did for River. The love of a parent knows no end, does it? Sometimes, that parent bond is by blood...sometimes it is by choice.
I have been watching and reading the posts for the past week but couldn't bring myself to write. The driver of the car that Jilly was killed in,(one of her best friends,) was arraigned on an OWI causing a death charge. This is a 15 yr felony in Michigan. After seeing that we were in the courtroom (we weren't invited,we just showed up) the judge let her out on a PR bond. This was an answer to our prayers. We met with the prosecutor last week and told him that we do not want to see DM saddled with a felony charge. We don't want jail time. We want her to be able to educate other kids about the choices they made that night. All choices come with a price. Jilly paid that price with her life. DM is paying the price of guilt and regret every single day...she still looks like an empty shell almost 4 months after the accident. She still cries all the time and says "I wish it had been me!" The prosecutor was very kind and will do his best to honor our wishes for leniency. I just do not see the point in sentencing this young woman to a felony record, loss of a job, loss of an education, etc for something that was a stupid senseless tragic accident....I know I did stupid things at 19, but thank GOD no one was hurt. I would hope and pray that had Jilly been the driver DM's parents would show similiar compassion. I think they would. Some people have said we are crazy...maybe so, but it just takes too much energy to hold on to the anger and bitterness. I simply don't have that to give. I feel much freer since forgiveness has come to stay. I miss Jilly beyond words. She sends signs that she can hear us though, that her energy is still with us. She visits people in dreams...and other things. We find comfort in that and take it as a validation that we are headed the right direction.

March 14, 2012

gretchen....i did the same thing with nathan's phone and i got a text back that said who is this and STOP texting me.

i was devastated....i no longer could listen to his voice mail or text him or even have his cell #...i still have it programmed in my phone and all of his texts, i just can't call it or text it anymore. i texted the person back and told him/her the situation and i got no response. it just broke my heart even more than it was already broken...if that is possible.

i thought they retired phone numbers, but i guess they just want more money and don't have enough numbers so they reassign them....

March 14, 2012

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The video of Forest is wonderful! What a light-hearted young man he was. So sorry for his loss. Here is one that Sean's friend made for him. It's all photos, made by one of his band-mates in the group Indulge in Las Vegas. Sean is playing the drums in the original song that is the background music. Gosh I miss my boy, but he left so many memories for us to keep forever. In Memory of Sean A. DeVincent
Damn! Crying again!

March 14, 2012

just watched the video of your son and his band. if it helps i'm crying again too. looks like they were very successful. i noticed our boys are about the same age. forest also left amazing (and outrageous) memories that actually give me many happy moments remembering. it is not the memories but that terrible yearning desperate ache i can't stand. my girlfriend of 43 years just lost her mother so we got tickets to see jack white tomorrow night. we just need a break from the world.. i'm an old punk rocker myself so the pictures of your son's band really touched my heart and i felt such grief knowing the kind of energy and fun your son brought to the world.

The video of Forest is wonderful! What a light-hearted young man he was. So sorry for his loss. Here is one that Sean's friend made for him. It's all photos, made by one of his band-mates in the group Indulge in Las Vegas. Sean is playing the drums in the original song that is the background music. Gosh I miss my boy, but he left so many memories for us to keep forever. In Memory of Sean A. DeVincent
Damn! Crying again!

March 14, 2012

[just watched the video of your son and his band. if it helps i'm crying again too. looks like they were very successful. i noticed our boys are about the same age. forest also left amazing (and outrageous) memories that actually give me many happy moments remembering. it is not the memories but that terrible yearning desperate ache i can't stand. my girlfriend of 43 years just lost her mother so we got tickets to see jack white tomorrow night. we just need a break from the world.. i'm an old punk rocker myself so the pictures of your son's band really touched my heart and i felt such grief knowing the kind of energy and fun your son brought to the world. quote name='Sean's Mom' timestamp='1331567714' post='85336']

The video of Forest is wonderful! What a light-hearted young man he was. So sorry for his loss. Here is one that Sean's friend made for him. It's all photos, made by one of his band-mates in the group Indulge in Las Vegas. Sean is playing the drums in the original song that is the background music. Gosh I miss my boy, but he left so many memories for us to keep forever. In Memory of Sean A. DeVincent

Damn! Crying again!

March 14, 2012

double post...sorry...my computer is soooo slow, for some reason.

March 14, 2012

I am in the middle of doing something, but stopped by to say hello. I saw your post, Maddy, about Carson's surgery. Mike didn't have anything wrong with his heart; he had a heart murmur that he outgrew, thankfully. But, with the brain cancer...we had a doctor who said "Oh, I've done that many times" and we later (after he had operated) found out that he HAD NOT done that MANY times (the cancerous brain tumor removal) and because of that, we almost lost Mike. I am not saying this is the case with this doctor, but having him admit, only after your pushing him, that he had indeed done less than he had said at first, would surely move me to seek a second opinion, even if I had to travel out of town. I don't have to tell you how serious this could be; you have stated that yourself. I can't tell you what to do and would never presume to do so. However, from my own personal experience with doctors who try to put extra frosting on their own cake by saying they've done more than they actually have, I feel as though I can at least offer advice. And my advice is, get a second opinion. Of course, advice is just that, "advice." You are the one who will make the final decision. Just, please, have all the information at hand that you need in order to make that an informed decision.

Amber: I had posted to you last night in my post that I lost. I just wanted to say that having your beautiful Brianna gone for such a very short while, you really can't expect yourself to be anymore than you are right now. Hurt. Confused. Not caring about what gets done or doesn't get done. Crying. Sitting up all night. These are all, unfortunately,so very much a part of this early time period following having lost your child. It is so very hard to understand or accept the concept, now, that in the future, you will find the pain softens some, and you are able to move through your life with a little more purpose and yes, even joy. Your Brianna will see to that. Joy is what she wants you to feel. And joy you will feel, but not now. Sorrowfully, not now. We are here for you. Day or night, there is usually someone about. Trudi is on a completely different time zone than us (she is about 14 hours ahead of the east coast time) so, oftentimes she will come on during our middle of the night. I am on the same time zone as most on BI, and even I am on sometimes in the middle of the night. With all that is going on right now with me, my "sleepless night" syndrome has resurfaced (though I don't think it ever really went away) and I am prowling about til the wee hours. As Robyn said, "in the meantime, please be kinder to yourself.

Gretchen: Trying to send a text to Forest is not unusual. I am glad that the person who got your text was kind enough to say they were sorry and that they missed talking to their mom, instead of being rude and cruel. I still have Mike's phone number on my phone contact list on my cell. I also still have two messages that he left. When I can bring myself to listen to them, it is so hard to hear at the end "To return this call, please press 88." Oh, how I wish, how I wish! I can't remember who it was, but I think it might have been Lorri, some time ago, had texted their child's old phone number and whoever it was that had it now had asked her why she was texting her "dead daughter" and it was one of the cruelist things I'd heard. (So sorry, Lorri, if it was not you, and I apologize for not remembering who it was for sure) I am so glad, Gretchen, that your son's friend is such a comfort to you. Having those sweet memories in your heart remembered by someone else is always soothing to our hearts.

Diane: I liked your advice to Maddy, regarding her going back to school and not knowing how she would handle actually getting a job upon graduation. Just doing the schooling for now, and then even if you can't do anything after the graduation, Maddy, at least you will have the schooling done. I also like that your "dust has made friends with the new dust and they are perfectly happy together." Kind of describes our house now, too.

Dee: thank your for sharing your morning walk with us. I truly felt as though I were there with you. I know that I wouldn't go out if it were still dark, and the fact that you do, and the ways in which you share with all of us, makes it almost as though I've experienced it myself.

Trudi: When I posted to you about your getting a "pushy," I forgot to mention how much I loved your Moonlight poem. Really beautiful words. Regarding the bike, if you make it to this area of the world again, we will have to take a bike ride together.

Linda: So great that you've made a committment and feel good about it. I'm sorry for the bank mix-up, but it sounds like you know what to do about it. Mistakes happen.

We got some potentially good news from Mike's oncologist. They did a cancer test on Friday, called "19.9" It is supposed to be a reading, I believe, of the strength of the cancer. When we talked to her last Friday, he had just taken the test and she said it takes 3-4 days for the results. When done in November at his diagnosis, it read 37. She said she has seen it over 2,000. (higher being worse) She said on Friday "I fully expect it to be down some, perhaps in the low 30's." It is now 14. I don't know exactly what that means, other than that it is a very likely indicator/confirmation that the cancer has definitely NOT spread. We will know more on Monday next, when he has the new laparoscopy done, but for now, we will sit with this news and let it comfort us.

Got to finish laundry; much as I hate doing it, clean clothes are a part of the necessities of life. Love to all my Indigo family.

March 14, 2012

carol.....what wonderful news....i am in such high hopes that the good news will continue for ralph. i really prayed that his outcome would be good....and for me to say i actually prayed is a really big step for me...you know how mad at god i have been. i will continue to do so for ralph in the coming days. thank you for keeping all of us informed.

trudi, i loved your moonlight poem, too....thank you for sharing..

dee....i would love to have the energy just to go outside. the weather is really nice here...80 degrees for the next few days...flowers blooming (pollen everywhere) how i wish i cared.... :huh:

we are having to replace our roof after the recent storms...hail and wind damage...i have never had to file an insurance claim before and didn't know it was so complicated. i just met with the ins. adjustor and the roofer...they were both on the roof at the same time...they both agreed i indeed had a leak and shingles missing and hail damage (DUH!!!) so, the adjustor will send in his report and then the ins. co. will get in contact with me and then they will mail me a check and a report to the roofer then they will get started....whew!!! i wear myself out with just the process itself, never mind the project that lies ahead....just get on with it already....wish us luck with that....what a mess.

hope you all have a decent day....i really need to do some housework, well, actually, nah...IDC, so guess i'll take a nap instead....love, diane :wacko:

March 14, 2012

Thank you Carol, for your advice and support on Carson's surgery. I feel somewhat frozen at this point, which is why I wanted to get you'lls advice. In abundance of counselors there is victory. And we really don't have any family to assist us in a wise decision. We are waiting a little bit to think and pray on it. But I feel kind of frozen and stuck in denial. Must be my coping mechanism. For a long time I was living with the fear that if I were to lose another child I would die. Then I met Lorri on here. When I saw how strong she was I realized I could be strong too and not base decisions on the fear of losing another child. But I do feel, not bashing doctors please, don't misunderstand, but I realize that this is his line of work and how he pays his bills to put it bluntly. He was very eager to proceed with surgery, and we grilled the poor doctor. He was gracious about it, but I just came out and asked if he had ever lost a patient. He said yes. Now I am left wanting statistics on his surgeries. He did tell us at one time that he was one of the few performing this surgery and doctors came from everywhere to observe him. It is a large reputable pediatric practice in the DFW area. But, if this is such a routine surgery then why does anyone die? Cause they are fooling with the heart of course. Also, he said that it used to be required to break open the chest, but there have been improvements. He said so when the surgery was like that, only the people who were really bad off got it. So then I am now thinking about that and wondering, about that statement. In other words, I do not want to risk my kiddo's life by placing it in the hands of a surgeon. I already know that in real life kids can die. At one time I probably would have listened and scheduled the surgery. I am not so willing to listen to anyone, or trust anyone now. Thanks for listening :-) ranting again :-) We could be the R & R's .......Ramblers & Ranters :-)

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Also, Carol, I did the same thing earlier. I wrote a response and accidentally deleted it. Now I can't remember what it was I wanted to say! :-)

Love,

Maddy

March 14, 2012

maddy,,,,my husband IS a doctor and he would agree with carol....GET A SECOND OPINION....always, if you are skeptical at all, or have any reservations...always, always...get another opinion...it is your right as a patient, or in this case, as a parent of the patient....never proceed with anything if you are uneasy or if you are second-guessing a doctor. they can toot their own horn all day long, but that doesn't make them an expert. look on-line, call medical centers and ask for the doctors that do that particular procedure and schedule an appt. you must feel comfortable with the doctor and your child. i have learned that we have to be our own pt. advovate. i'm with you on this, we cannot lose another child....this is what i worry about most with my son being a police officer. i always worry about when/if another phone call will come. i know it doesn't help my situation to worry and i never used to do that, until now.

yes, IDC....all day long, IDC.....the nap flew by the wayside, so maybe i will sleep a little tonight. maybe.....

love, diane

March 14, 2012

Carol,

That is such wonderful news about Ralph/Mike's reading and how it is going lower. So very happy for you.

Also, on the subject of cell phones. Now I did not realize cell phones had picture cards in them until recently. I guess cause I had a junky phone until recently :-)

Anyway, when I found out I ran immediately to Rachael's cell very excited to get the picture card out. To my surprise it was gone. Which means the police gave it back to us without the picture card in it. Which only upsets me and confirms my suspicions that there was some form of foul play. What could I even do this long after now? Then I feel stupid about not knowing about picture card in cell phones anyway. As it was it took them about 6 months to give us her things back, and a year for the official coroner's report. It is one thing to lose your child, but the coroner here must be some incompetent freak. Sorry, but when I have read how so many of you have gotten yours tremendously sooner, it upsets me how long we waited, and how they would not let us see Rachael.

Another thing that happened to us.....I know it is like we are the queen of horrible things happening, or maybe I just remember them, or maybe I just need to tell someone who understands.

Her boyfriend died with her and it was published in the paper. Since it was at his home, the first night the parents could not sleep there because reporters were coming to the house. Can you believe that? Then it was published in the paper, but just the boyfriend's name as they did not have Rachael's information yet. So his parents called us to alert us. I called the reporter directly and explained to him our situation. That she had four school age brothers, and that they werfe also in the midst of recovering from tragedy from Katrina, and to please not publish her name, to protect her brothers identities at school. He agreed that he would not publish her name and was gracious and talked to me. Well the 'jerk' was just trying to get information out of me. Because he DID publish it along with her name. He also made it sound sordid. It was so painful the way this man wrote it up. It breaks my heart. She was at her boyfriend's family's house. She was sleeping in the bedroom and her boyfriend was sleeping on the couch in the den. This jerk reporter made it sound like it was a crack house and she was found dead in a heap in back of the house after the sister had found the boyfriend. I was so upset I called the reporter and he tells me that I need to understand the news like this does not happen in this community and people want to know what happened. THEN when the coroner's report finally came out. HE calls me before I even have a chance to get home and find out from my husband, as my husband handled everything. Thank goodness it was on voice mail only that I got his call. Ther 'jerk' wanted to let me know the report was out and he was going to be running another article in the paper. I know he was just trying to get information for his article.

HOW can people be so cruel? I always was so compassionate when I knew someone lost their child, fully realizing it must be the most devastating thing in the world. How can people add more pain and be so cruel?

And my boys DID end up having to deal at school with it because of this 'jerk' running it in the paper. Those are the kind of people when I think -the bible says--vengeance is mine saith the Lord- and I think Lord, if vengeance is yours, that I am praying for you to take your vengeance on that man.

Now I do not know if that is good, or bad, or what. But it was one of the most incredibly painful things to endure and it was so hurtful. Of course everyone we knew in New Orleans I am sure if they googled it could find this slanted story that was not accurate. It was so painful to have this reporter paint our daughter in a light of events that were not true.

Anyway, thank you for listening. I have never had anyone to tell about this. None of this stuff seems to bother my husband. But for me I carry all this pain because I do not know why a reporter would hurt my daughter's name, and the lives of 4 young boys for a dinkly little news story thinking he is some big New York reporter or something.

Thanks again for listening.

Love,

Maddy

March 14, 2012

OCD to IDC.....I like it. It thoroughly describes me. Also Greg,,,,.I loved the song and cried as I listened to it. Thank you for posting. It says it all. I especially liked the damn, damn, damn......kind of speaks to the utter frustration and reality of the situation we are in. Your work experience sounds like mine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday I went to finalize some things for next semester at school. School has been great and was a positive diversion for my pain after Rachael died. I have just changed my major from Education to Graphic Design with an English minor. Which I decided to do what I really wanted. My problem is this........I like school, make all A's etc. But who I was before Rachael died is not who I am now. I am worried that to proceed with the degree is going to then require me to go to work. I don't know if I can even work now. I just quit my job as an aide at a school. But it was ultimately a good choice for the sake of my children who needed me at home right now. But my youngest is 14 yo now and also, the person I was before Rachael died..........I did not want to be home, I wanted to go to work after my kids were grown. I did not like being home alone in my house. NOW, I have proceeded laying ground work in my life for who THAT person was, and now I am finding I may no longer BE that person. Do you all understand? I do not know if I have the wherewithal to follow through in the job market. The person I am is.....IDC, IDC, IDC. School is fun and it is easy. But the job market will be a different story. I am having to make decisions and don't want to make them based on who I am now, although who I am now seems to be staying. There was more of the old me in the beginning after Rachael died, hence work and school. As time passes there is a new me that IDC. So I do not know what to do, or how to proceed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~Also, the cardiologist wants to schedule our 14yo son for the procedure (surgery, but no cutting involved) next month. It is difficult to decide what to do. It has to do with a electrical malfunction in his heart that has the potential to be deadly. Yet there are people who live with it. They go in through the groin and go into the heart. Good new is everything goes as planned, but if things do not go as planned, he would have to wear a pacemaker for life. Also, the surgeon admitted that yes, he had lost patients before during this procedure. To compound matters Carson has what is known as a left super vena cava. Most people's valve that enters their heart is on the right side. Carson's is on the left. .3% of the population is like this. Surgeon is saying, sure, sure, I have done surgeries on hearts like his. But I had already researched and knew how rare it was, so I questioned him further. He then admitted he had done the surgery a "couple" of times on hearts with this condition. He said Carson should quit all sports and go on medication if he does not get the surgery. Yet the general cardiologist faxed a note to school stating Carson could continue in sports. So if it is so dangerous, why did she do that? Also, I don't mean to be distrustful of him, but he does earn his living by doing these surgeries, and this is my kiddo's heart. We are unsure about how to proceed just yet.~~~~~~~Thanks for listening. You are my lifeline and I appreciate you all so much.~~~~~~~~Love~~~~~Maddy

Maddy dear,

It makes no difference HOW good this surgeon is, if you have a single doubt, get a second opinion. A truly good surgeon won't mind.

Robyn

March 14, 2012

Carol,
That is such wonderful news about Ralph/Mike's reading and how it is going lower. So very happy for you.
Also, on the subject of cell phones. Now I did not realize cell phones had picture cards in them until recently. I guess cause I had a junky phone until recently :-)
Anyway, when I found out I ran immediately to Rachael's cell very excited to get the picture card out. To my surprise it was gone. Which means the police gave it back to us without the picture card in it. Which only upsets me and confirms my suspicions that there was some form of foul play. What could I even do this long after now? Then I feel stupid about not knowing about picture card in cell phones anyway. As it was it took them about 6 months to give us her things back, and a year for the official coroner's report. It is one thing to lose your child, but the coroner here must be some incompetent freak. Sorry, but when I have read how so many of you have gotten yours tremendously sooner, it upsets me how long we waited, and how they would not let us see Rachael.
Another thing that happened to us.....I know it is like we are the queen of horrible things happening, or maybe I just remember them, or maybe I just need to tell someone who understands.
Her boyfriend died with her and it was published in the paper. Since it was at his home, the first night the parents could not sleep there because reporters were coming to the house. Can you believe that? Then it was published in the paper, but just the boyfriend's name as they did not have Rachael's information yet. So his parents called us to alert us. I called the reporter directly and explained to him our situation. That she had four school age brothers, and that they werfe also in the midst of recovering from tragedy from Katrina, and to please not publish her name, to protect her brothers identities at school. He agreed that he would not publish her name and was gracious and talked to me. Well the 'jerk' was just trying to get information out of me. Because he DID publish it along with her name. He also made it sound sordid. It was so painful the way this man wrote it up. It breaks my heart. She was at her boyfriend's family's house. She was sleeping in the bedroom and her boyfriend was sleeping on the couch in the den. This jerk reporter made it sound like it was a crack house and she was found dead in a heap in back of the house after the sister had found the boyfriend. I was so upset I called the reporter and he tells me that I need to understand the news like this does not happen in this community and people want to know what happened. THEN when the coroner's report finally came out. HE calls me before I even have a chance to get home and find out from my husband, as my husband handled everything. Thank goodness it was on voice mail only that I got his call. Ther 'jerk' wanted to let me know the report was out and he was going to be running another article in the paper. I know he was just trying to get information for his article.
HOW can people be so cruel? I always was so compassionate when I knew someone lost their child, fully realizing it must be the most devastating thing in the world. How can people add more pain and be so cruel?
And my boys DID end up having to deal at school with it because of this 'jerk' running it in the paper. Those are the kind of people when I think -the bible says--vengeance is mine saith the Lord- and I think Lord, if vengeance is yours, that I am praying for you to take your vengeance on that man.
Now I do not know if that is good, or bad, or what. But it was one of the most incredibly painful things to endure and it was so hurtful. Of course everyone we knew in New Orleans I am sure if they googled it could find this slanted story that was not accurate. It was so painful to have this reporter paint our daughter in a light of events that were not true.
Anyway, thank you for listening. I have never had anyone to tell about this. None of this stuff seems to bother my husband. But for me I carry all this pain because I do not know why a reporter would hurt my daughter's name, and the lives of 4 young boys for a dinkly little news story thinking he is some big New York reporter or something.
Thanks again for listening.
Love,
Maddy

Honestly- the way the media operates these days, there is no explanation for them. They all want to make their little careers, "be greeted by all in the marketplace, and have the seat of honor at feasts"...they are a bunch of jackals.

March 15, 2012

What a lovely spring day outside. The birds are singing, the daffodills are up and blooming. It feels like June. The windows are all open and the fresh air is pouring in. 70 degrees.....in mid March in Michigan...who woulda thunk??? It appears so peaceful...and yet the strangest things have made me weepy this week.(several times...) I had held it together for nearly a month, and then BAM! Know what made me cry last night? Getting Jilly's last taxes of her life done. The tax man stapled all the forms, with her death certificate together and I lost it....(on a very kind note, he didnt charge us for doing her taxes, bless his heart.) Had to go to the cemetery in the dark to just sit by her grave on the way home. This weekend, we will likely have to remove her "grave blanket." For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a very large (takes up almost the whole grave) "blanket" of pine branches stuck into styrofoam and decorated. It is nearly 2 feet high. It is so colorful and bright. We also have solar lights on the perimeter of her grave, so even in the dark, we can find it. Last night was a very starry moonlit night. So pretty.Never thought I would be out in a cemetery in the dark and so comfortable there. Cemetery rules say all stuff has to be off by April 1. We don't have her headstone even ordered and it depresses me to even think of the spot being bare! If we don't remove it, they go through and throw everything in the dump, sometimes a week or two before the deadline. (I would likely have to bite someone's head off if they did that...)

Since Jilly died, we have immersed ourselves in reading grief books, etc. Has anyone out there ever read any of these books? How to Survive the Loss of a child by Catherine Sanders, Phd.(lost her son, excellent book!)

Lessons from the Light by George Anderson (found it VERY comforting) Home with God in a life that Never Ends by Neale Donald Walsch...(author of the Conversations with God series)....WOW!! .that one is a total mind boggler, but both my husband and I found a great deal of peace in it...) The Worst Loss (How families deal with the death of a child) by Barbara Rosof (great book for explaining how the family dynamics change after a death). The boy who came back from Heaven by Kevin and Alex Malarkey, (great read too! Boy who survives car accident describes Heaven) and a Season of Grief by Ann Dawson (kind of like a Chicken soup for the soul for the grieving book...short snippets when your mind can't do more than a couple pages.)

Does anyone out there have any books they have read that have brought them comfort? This is only the list from the last month or 6 weeks. We have been reading non stop since Thanksgiving. Maybe I could get a second job as a grief book critic! Or not.

I love the IDC thing....how perfectly fitting. So many things I used to care about no longer even ruffle my feathers. One of my best friends had lunch with her daughter the other day (Jilly's buddy since birth) and her daughter was being, well....rather self centered and whiny. Rather that getting upset as she usually does, my friend called me and said "Louise, I started to get mad, and then realized that you would give ANYTHING to have any type of a conversation at all with Jillian....bratty or otherwise. She was so right.

Jillian's "sign" to us is leaving quarters. My husband went in for a procedure this week and we reached the hospital door just behind another woman. Just before the door opened, a quarter dropped out of her purse and rolled almost to our feet. We just smiled and said "thanks Jilly!" (and then held back the tears!)

Thank you Indigos for being there for me in a place that only a special group of people really understands...and you are all pretty special~ :wub:

March 15, 2012

Gretchen------So sorry that your son's number was reassigned. Sad. I'm glad

that the people answering the text were considerate to you.

Diane----I can understand how your heart was just crushed when you received

that rude reply. Then nothing, even after you explained. Just goes to show how

words can cut so deeply, and cause so much extra pain. David had not had his

cell phone very long, and it didn't have texting feature at that time. I don't know

if I ever called his number or not....can't remember, really. We never got the

phone back after the wreck......I'm sure it must have been damaged beyond

recognition. I'm sorry you had that sad experience.

Deana-----Not to worry about getting behind in reading the posts. I am usually

behind anymore, for some reason. I've been on BI for over 8 yrs. This is a

big board, so sometimes it does take a lot to keep up. Just keep coming on, friend.

Dee------Yep-----This weather is great, but one can't help wondering when the

final blast of winter will come back to the Midwest. Your flowers just want to

come up so badly........thinking spring is here. We visited the graves today, and

the daffodils that we had planted on Lisa's grave are up, with a couple of tightly

held buds. It will be nice to see them. Her grave is in the sun, Davey's is in partial

shade under a large oak tree. I walked to the back woods today, and heard

coyote pups yelping lightly......coming from the deep gorge behind the woods

on the next road. Deer tracks all along the cornfield. Saw 4 deer bounding

rapidly across the fields, as though something 'spooked' them.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

March 15, 2012

thanks sherry....off to bed to TRY to sleep tonight...doctors appt in the morning...maybe i can get some much needed help from her...she is wonderful. i am so exhausted, don't know how i am even standing or sitting for that matter.

have a good night all indigos.....love, diane

maybe one day we can say IDC (I DO CARE) instead of IDC (I DON'T CARE).....i can only hope....but right now, i really don't care....still.

March 15, 2012

I am not sure how to tell so many of you who always respond to my post. It makes my heart smile just a little! Thank You! Every day I get up and think "this will be the day". The day that I am not sad, and can laugh. The day that I will be positive and be a good person to be around. I have yet to find that day! But I will continue, and please know that many of you here are helping me. I know that I don't respond very much, but you do all matter. Thank You!

March 15, 2012

Two days outside in this beautiful summerlike weather, working almost all day in the yard. My back is aching, my body is exhausted, yet somehow my spirit feels lighter. Anyone else experienced that? Jared is in my mind, all day, everyday, from the moment I open my eyes until I finally fall asleep. If I dream, I am not aware of it. How I wish that I could. I long to hear his voice, to see him smile. As I pulled weeds from the flower beds, I remembered how many times he had helped me do that. I always told people he was my one child that knew a plant from a weed. He enjoyed dead-heading the lillies in the summer. He was a wildman on my zero turn radius lawn mower, so much so that I only trusted him to cut the field, and still he did donuts there and tore up the ground. He was the one that would come out in the backyard and bring me a cold drink while I was mowing, as it takes about 5 hours to do all the grass. I remember when he was little, he would ride his battery powered motorcycle a lane or two away from where I was cutting, trying to race me.... it's lonely work now.... still peaceful being out in nature and seeing all the hosta and lillies getting ready to make their debut for another year, and the daffodils blooming everywhere... at the base of all my trees.... by the tree he always climbed and would say how great the yard looked from his lofty place.

God, I miss my boy.

March 15, 2012

Well,made it through this "14th". My husband had to literally hold me up as I sobbed and melted into the sorrow and grief. I set up a Remembrance for Cherry Lynn, complete with her long, gorgeous hair braid. I lit candles and put out all her favorite memorabilia. I lost it. I cried, and screamed and moaned in agony. I am shattered. I mourn her loss, miss her smile and humor. I miss her complete loyalty to me, which held me in such regard as I do not deserve. I will never have a more loyal person in my camp.She forgave and overlooked and loved in spite of. She was such a better person than I will ever be.

I miss you my darling Cherry Lynn, it is finally after midnight and the "14th" this month is over. I am shattered and splintered into millions of pieces, longing for you.

I will see you again. You are my heart forever.

March 15, 2012

deana, becky and ronnie...it is way too soon in your grief and what you are feeling is normal. the heartache, the sobbing, the pain is all too real. it is a process that is a healing of the heart and soul. on the 21st, it will be 14 months for me. i count every friday..this friday will be 60 weeks....i hate fridays. i despise fridays. i would like to delete them from the calendar.

knowing that is not possible, i grit my teeth and stay in my bed and cry and sob and scream out and sometimes, i shake my fists to the sky and wonder why? why my child? why this family? why me? how can i live without my child? i am still here, but why? what is my purpose here on earth without my child. i do have 3 other children and i know they need me...i have 7 grandchildren and i know they want me....i have a wonderful, loving, caring, super understanding husband and i know he wants me here....but i have nothing to give back right now. so, why am i here? i don't have answers. i just know i am still here. despite my cries, my heartache, my pain, my depression, i am still here.

be kind to yourself and let yourselves grieve your loss of your precious child...it is a healing process. this is a life-long journey and tears are healing. it is not an easy journey, but we are here on this journey together....all of us....this is not what we asked for, not did we want this is any sense of the word. we did not deserve this. we miss our child more than any words could ever describe to anyone. no one will ever be able to put into words what that phrase 'i miss you' could possibly mean and how people take those three little words for granted. when we say we 'miss our child' no one can possibly understand what that means, except for those of us who are in our shoes. we know. we know. and the pain, the wound is opened once again.

everyone grieves in different ways, but we all hurt. the heartache is always with us.

i am so sorry that you all hurt...i am truly sorry. i wish i could make it better for you. i do.

just know that i am holding you close and thinking of you each and everyday....

love, diane

March 15, 2012

Deana, Ronnie and Becky...I agree with Diane. You are very early into this grief process and it takes a lot of time and work to find your way out of the initial fog and pain that settles in at the beginning. When the rawness starts to wear off you will find that you are changed. Then you will begin the process of working at finding the new you after your loss. It all takes a tremendous amount of strength and courage. It takes patience and it takes time.

Becky, I too have found that I throw myself into my yard work in order to find something positive and healing to focus on. The fresh air and just the uplifting feeling it gives me to watch my garden flourish helps to give me a direction and calm me. My sister too had a huge area of grass to cut. Four hours on a riding lawn mower and two hours with a push mower. Many said they would never do it. They would hire someone or move. She loved that time on the mower. Sitting there on a beautiful day just accomplishing the deed and outside one with nature. She was always exhausted when she finished...but when I would speak to her she sounded satisfied.

Today is absolutely beautiful where I live. We are breaking records with the temps. It is hard to believe that only one week ago today we had a night time low of -24C. Today it is supposedly going up to 18C. Such a dramatic change and very welcomed. The snow has gone so quickly and yet there are no significant puddles. The ground was so dry late fall that I'm guessing it just soaked into the earth very quickly. They say we are most likely going to have another drought this summer. The upside...no bugs! No mosquitoes!

Thinking of all of you and hoping your day is a decent one.

Kate

March 15, 2012

I awoke at 4:30 this morning to the simultaneous blindingly bright flash of light and the thundering boom that rattled my old cottage and jump-started my heart into this new day. Half an hour later I was out there, sitting on the dock with my first cup of coffee, watching the storm gradually move eastward, it's sights and sounds fading away. I start each day in this place, next to Ali's garden, and have my "morning mourning". I allow my heart to cry it out, then flood myself with memories. And I see him, relaxing on a bench after a swim, sitting on the deck with his guitar, playing hackysack on the patio with his brothers - I see him always smiling...

Diane - I so understand your hatred for Fridays. I hate Thursdays - at 10:09 this morning it was 11 weeks. Maybe someday we'll stop hating these days...

Becky - I find that working outside makes me feel my connection to my son more than anything - and not only does my spirit feel lighter, it feels so much bigger and brighter, too...

Louise - Thank you for explaining the "grave blanket" - I had been wondering what it was. I am still facing the burial of my son's ashes - he died in December and they don't do burials in the Upper Peninsula in winter. Some time this spring we'll be making the trek back up to Munising for this next step. And I LOVE your sign, the quarters from Jilly - all I ever find are pennies, but Ali was always a bit tight with his money!

March 15, 2012

It's all you all's fault if I can't walk tomorrow!! All this talk about exercise, and getting outside.... I went out today and pulled weeds out of my flower beds in the front yard. I can't bend, as I have a bad back, so I was on my hands and knees. It did feel good to be out in the air and sunshine, as it was really nice out today. I have always been the main one to do yardwork, but haven't done anything since Jared died. There is still much to do, but at least I got a start. Many memories of the kids sitting atop the brush pile that I would put in the pull behind cart attached to the lawn tractor and haul to the woods. They would sit on the limbs or whatever to keep them from bouncing out. Jared was a big help in the yard, and there's nothing I can look at that doesn't have some memory of him. His whole life was here in this house, and on these grounds. He always said, when his sister would talk about getting her own place, that he was never leaving here, that this would always be his home.... and it is.

i just saw the video of your son. check out those cornrows! awesome. i also really liked his knees in the picture with the dog for some reason. just was so sweet. thanks for sharing. i hope all goes well with your case.

March 15, 2012

Thanks Darlene, Diane, and Gretchen for your thoughts regarding my stage in this grieving process. My world is a sad place without him in it, and yet I know in my heart that there is life after death, and I think the spring reminds me that is true.

Here is that video I made around Christmas time,

for those that may not have seen it.

Someone, on foot, a couple of weeks ago, shot up the DelDot speedbox sign they put up on the corner right across from our house! Don't know if they were protesting as we are, the 50mph sign being put up, or what their motivation was. At least, thankfully, they were standing facing south, away from the houses on our street. Scary...

i just saw the video of your son. check out those cornrows! awesome. i also really liked his knees in the picture with the dog for some reason. just was so sweet. thanks for sharing. i hope all goes well with your case.

March 15, 2012

What a beautiful baby and handsome young man..... very touching video.

March 15, 2012

Spring is a bitter sweet time for me. It's time for fishing. That is my and Brian's shared passion.It reminds me of the best thing to ever happen to me. Brian's birth. He was my first child.It also has a bit of a bite to it.Reminding me what I lost and what could have been.I guess that's something we all have to learn to wrestle with. I will share a video I made for him. Sorry to my old friends here but I like to share my son.

March 15, 2012

Greg, that video was just beautiful and so touching. Not sad tears, but tears of pride. What a good looking young man he was. The change of seasons seem to drive home the realizatiion that another new season is beginning and they are not here with us. It is really hard to accept that fact. I'm sure the videos that you have of Brian help to give you something tangible to hold onto when you are looking at them. A good kid like that can only be in the very best place right now. Loved the car race. Hope you are doing ok.

March 15, 2012

greg...thanks for sharing the video of your precious brian....such a good looking boy....love how gingerly he puts the fish back in the water...what tender hands he has.....must go along with his tender heart. you taught him well, my man....

March 15, 2012

ok, so, i went to the doc today...had to wait a long time....due to my neurological condition, my left leg/foot went numb and when they called my name, i stood up and tried to take a step and i collapsed, twisting my left foot completely over on itself. actually, falling to the floor because i could not feel my leg/foot to stand on it. two elderly ladies gasped, one older gentleman actually laughed. i thought i was ok, but then realized, i could not walk on that foot at all....two nurses took me back to the exam room. i am not sure what happened to my foot. it is bruised, swollen and hurts like a, well, i won't go there....but, you all know what i mean. we can't tell if i tore a tendon or actually broke something. it is bad and i have been icing it most of this afternoon. i'll give it a day or two, then decide what to do next. i still can't believe that guy actually laughed at me....really???? that was just plain rude.

we had a tiny rumble of thunder a tiny bit of rain, then it all went away. jim actually had to mow the grass today. can't believe it is already that time of year. it has been warm and humid the last couple of days. this time of year makes me miss nathan even more because he would love to get on his boat and go fishing. i miss him.

i keep thinking he should be back from his vacation anytime now and will call me and tell me he's back and all is back to normal....i know, i know, i'm dreaming and this nightmare will never be over. never.................................

i am not feeling well, so i am signing off for the rest of the night....hope all have a decent night....love to all, diane

March 15, 2012

I haven't had time to post anything. But, I have been reading everyday. I was going through some photos and came across this one. I'm the only one still alive in this picture. It really hit me hard when I looked at it.

The more I looked at it, the more I realize I'm encircled by my Angels......

This is my Grandmother, Mom and My Daughter Vanessa with me in the middle.

March 15, 2012

Lori...thanks for sharing your family photo. It really is lovely.

Diane...definitely not nice to have laughed at your fall. I hope you will be feeling better tomorrow! Take it easy tonight.

Greg...so glad you decided to share your video. I only have a couple of videos of my son playing hockey. I found one not long ago and it took me to another time and place. Bittersweet. You obviously shared wonderful times with Brian and had a good relationship as father and son. Many live a full life and never are blessed enough to enjoy a loving dad such as you. I'm sure he knew it. And he loved you so much by the smile on his face when he looked down from the rafters. Hold him close and try to find peace in your life again. He is still alive but in another place waiting for you when it is right. A young but full life with a loving father. Take care.

Kate

March 16, 2012

Hi Gang,

I have been in report card hell as I had to work on these to hand out tomorrow. I ususally am done by wednesday of the report card week, but boy, this time around I have had a lot going on and just could not focus that long to do more than a few each time. I have 25 students this year and many with behavior and academic issues, which means I take more time carefully wording the comments on the report card. I always write quite a bit which is silly since I write a weekly note to each parent as well. OH well, done at last and just had the phone ring just before 10:00 which is very late. My sis and she is the mom of the nephew having addiction issues. Well Matt is going to the hospital my sis works at for detox, he has been throwing up and in distress for the whole day...poor little Matt. A 23 year old that is hooked on heroin. He is lying to everyone, himself included and I am scared for him. Scared he will let go. Prayers if you can for Matthew, my redheaded green eyed nephew.

I have been reading but too busy to stay on for any length of time.

Peace

March 16, 2012

What a lovely spring day outside. The birds are singing, the daffodills are up and blooming. It feels like June. The windows are all open and the fresh air is pouring in. 70 degrees.....in mid March in Michigan...who woulda thunk??? It appears so peaceful...and yet the strangest things have made me weepy this week.(several times...) I had held it together for nearly a month, and then BAM! Know what made me cry last night? Getting Jilly's last taxes of her life done. The tax man stapled all the forms, with her death certificate together and I lost it....(on a very kind note, he didnt charge us for doing her taxes, bless his heart.) Had to go to the cemetery in the dark to just sit by her grave on the way home. This weekend, we will likely have to remove her "grave blanket." For those of you who don't know what that is, it is a very large (takes up almost the whole grave) "blanket" of pine branches stuck into styrofoam and decorated. It is nearly 2 feet high. It is so colorful and bright. We also have solar lights on the perimeter of her grave, so even in the dark, we can find it. Last night was a very starry moonlit night. So pretty.Never thought I would be out in a cemetery in the dark and so comfortable there. Cemetery rules say all stuff has to be off by April 1. We don't have her headstone even ordered and it depresses me to even think of the spot being bare! If we don't remove it, they go through and throw everything in the dump, sometimes a week or two before the deadline. (I would likely have to bite someone's head off if they did that...)
Since Jilly died, we have immersed ourselves in reading grief books, etc. Has anyone out there ever read any of these books? How to Survive the Loss of a child by Catherine Sanders, Phd.(lost her son, excellent book!)
Lessons from the Light by George Anderson (found it VERY comforting) Home with God in a life that Never Ends by Neale Donald Walsch...(author of the Conversations with God series)....WOW!! .that one is a total mind boggler, but both my husband and I found a great deal of peace in it...) The Worst Loss (How families deal with the death of a child) by Barbara Rosof (great book for explaining how the family dynamics change after a death). The boy who came back from Heaven by Kevin and Alex Malarkey, (great read too! Boy who survives car accident describes Heaven) and a Season of Grief by Ann Dawson (kind of like a Chicken soup for the soul for the grieving book...short snippets when your mind can't do more than a couple pages.)
Does anyone out there have any books they have read that have brought them comfort? This is only the list from the last month or 6 weeks. We have been reading non stop since Thanksgiving. Maybe I could get a second job as a grief book critic! Or not.
I love the IDC thing....how perfectly fitting. So many things I used to care about no longer even ruffle my feathers. One of my best friends had lunch with her daughter the other day (Jilly's buddy since birth) and her daughter was being, well....rather self centered and whiny. Rather that getting upset as she usually does, my friend called me and said "Louise, I started to get mad, and then realized that you would give ANYTHING to have any type of a conversation at all with Jillian....bratty or otherwise. She was so right.
Jillian's "sign" to us is leaving quarters. My husband went in for a procedure this week and we reached the hospital door just behind another woman. Just before the door opened, a quarter dropped out of her purse and rolled almost to our feet. We just smiled and said "thanks Jilly!" (and then held back the tears!)
Thank you Indigos for being there for me in a place that only a special group of people really understands...and you are all pretty special~

March 16, 2012

Jilly's Mom, the blanket is lovely, I know how dear all the artifacts are that friends leave there. The cemetery where Eri is has been extremely careless in mowing her area, crushing her little trinkets and throwing her things long before the clean-up dates, and often on just regular days. I have put many pretty things there only to see them gone a week or so later and I have complained loudly. They apologized and but a "free" wreath on her place this winter and have been a bit more careful. We'll see.

Lori, the photo of the women in your family is lovely, the strength of love shining through. Seems your Girl has your pretty eyes. What a priceless photo to have, a moment in time that will forever be etched in your heart. Those women all are smiling on you, sending you their warmest lights in which to see.

A waning crescent hangs high in the sky this morning, and industrious birds darted about searching for food and nesting materials. The sound is amazing. I am filled.

March 16, 2012

Greg, the video was very touching. The song was bittersweet and spoke to y heart. You look like you had a wonderful relationship with your son. Dee, wow, you sound like an amazing teacher. A letter every week and for report cards? I bet you are the teacher that every parent wants their childish. Your class :-)

I am so sorry for all of our pain. I woke this morning with that sick feeling that it is true, she is gone. The kind that is reality. So will that continue forever? Does that ever end? Do any of you know that have been on this journey longer? I am just so sad this morning. Sad for all of us.

Love, Maddy

March 16, 2012

Greg, the video was very touching. The song was bittersweet and spoke to y heart. You look like you had a wonderful relationship with your son. Dee, wow, you sound like an amazing teacher. A letter every week and for report cards? I bet you are the teacher that every parent wants their childish. Your class :-)
I am so sorry for all of our pain. I woke this morning with that sick feeling that it is true, she is gone. The kind that is reality. So will that continue forever? Does that ever end? Do any of you know that have been on this journey longer? I am just so sad this morning. Sad for all of us.
Love, Maddy

Maddy, I woke during the night with the same feeling. I started to think of Greg's Brian and all the wonderful young kids that have grieving parents on this forum. My heart started to feel so heavy with the loss we all feel. I mentioned yesterday that the change of seasons for some reason makes me very sad and yet normally I never used to feel that way. It is an indication that life continues and that time is moving on...but without them in it. Even now after two years it still seems like last week. There was a woman a few weeks back who posted after losing a chikld over twenty years ago that stated that it does ease with time and yet it does not. One day ata time is all we can ask of ourselves. You are doing exceptionally well from what I have seen. Keep up the hard work.

Greg...it looks as if you shared many enjoyable times with Brian. And it looked as if he was having a blast himself. Hold on to that comforting feeling that you were best friends. You still are!

Dee, I bet you are glad the report cards are out and the weekend has arrived. Just make sure to take care of yourself too! Definitely will keep Matt in my prayers. Let us know how it goes. There are good people out there working with addictions. Often they have to bottom out before they will get that help. The biggest step is the first one. Good luck.

Jilly, the blanket is so pretty. I have never seen one up here. What a beautiful tribute!

Diane...hope you are feeling better today.

Becky...how are the aches and pains? Hope that grass does not grow too quickly!

Carol...thinking of you guys and hoping this week was decent.

Another amazing few days ahead for us. We are breaking all records. I can definitely take it! Bring it on. Before long I will be back out in my garden again which is total bliss to work in for me. I have to admit that I envied a few of you when I read that you are already planting and cutting grass. Alas, it will come soon and so will the return of all the birds. The geese are coming back in the thousands and it can get very noisy. But a great sound. Before long I'm going to see that first robin and beat my husband to it. The challenge is on! Have a good day.

Kate

March 16, 2012

Dee-Sending good thoughts for your nephew. Addiction is a terrible thing and there are so many forms of it. Maybe you can take a break this weekend once the report cards are out.

I had a meltdown yesterday on the way home from work. Just thinking about all the things that have happened since Westley died, I thought that if he were here, he wouldn't know how to get to his sister's house once they get moved to their new house. He won't be here to help, and he helped them move both of the times they moved before. He wouldn't know that they have another baby now. He has been gone for two years and everything has changed! It keeps changing all the time, and he is getting further and further in the past, the things that he knew are going away, just as he did. I remember at first, I thought when things were happening, I need to remember thsi so I can tell Westley when I see him. And of course, you can't remember everything, hell I can't even remember why I went in the kitchen half the time. It just makes me so sad, this life that goes on as if nothing has changed. When nothing will ever be the same.

I enjoyed the videos of Brian and J.D. My husband took Westley hunting and fishing a lot when he was younger, but he had not been hanging out with his Dad a lot at the time of his death. Westley had been hunting hard that winter, but alone, and he never got anything. It made me sad that he didn't, and I think it made his Dad sad, too, although we didn't talk about it much.

Lori- Thanks for posting the picture. I have a picture of my husband and my Daddy and Westley on Father's day the year that my Daddy died in July 2006, less than a month later. I had it framed for Westley after Daddy died, and he had it on his nightstand. Sometimes, when I go in his room, which isn't often, I pick it up and I look at it, and I can't believe that out of the three men I loved most in the world, only one of them is left for me now. I knew my Daddy wouldn't be here long when the picture was made, but I never dreamed that less than four years later, my only son would not be here anymore and my husband would be spending the saddest Father's Day he'd ever had. Life sucks sometimes.

March 16, 2012

linda, becky, louise, lori, greg...just wanted to thank you for sharing the wonderful pictures and videos of your angels. such wonderful, beautiful, talented and precious angels....what devine talents they have added to heaven. i love seeing their faces, their smiles, their beauty...so keep posting and sharing. makes my heart smile.

i so wish i had videos of nathan, but i don't have any. i have special photos of nathan, but i find it hard to go through all of them and post them. i can look at them myself, but i just break down and cry. i love looking at his beautiful smile and remembering how much he had to offer the world, but then i just question 'why?'....i have trouble going down that road over and over again. i don't think i will ever stop asking why...do we ever stop asking? and how do we find peace?

my ankle looks worse today than yesterday...have an appt with ortho on monday....by then it will probably be fine...you know how that goes. i'm sure it is a simple sprain and will get well all by itself...

my husband has decided to run 23-24 miles tomorrow...and i am going to pick him up at his stopping point...don't ask me why, he just has wanted to do it for a long time and tomorrow seems to be the day he picked to do it.

56 y/o and this is what he wants to do....ok...what ever makes him happy, i suppose. nathan would be the first one cheering him on, as he ran two marathons himself. he would be proud. i am hopeful that he will be watching over him....

we have a picture hanging over his memorial table that reads..."angel" then under it says 'always watching over us' then under that has 'nathan william black' then his dates....it is so beautiful...i will take a pic and attach it later on. it is so precious to me. son lee gave it to us for christmas. just love it. means so much.

so, i feel sure nathan will be watching jim and cheering him on.

today is my 'hate' day, friday....60 weeks today and i am here, still in bed, missing him and icing the stupid ankle. makes me mad at myself.

dumb luck i suppose.

have a good day.....love to my indigo family....diane

March 16, 2012

Dee-Sending good thoughts for your nephew. Addiction is a terrible thing and there are so many forms of it. Maybe you can take a break this weekend once the report cards are out.
I had a meltdown yesterday on the way home from work. Just thinking about all the things that have happened since Westley died, I thought that if he were here, he wouldn't know how to get to his sister's house once they get moved to their new house. He won't be here to help, and he helped them move both of the times they moved before. He wouldn't know that they have another baby now. He has been gone for two years and everything has changed! It keeps changing all the time, and he is getting further and further in the past, the things that he knew are going away, just as he did. I remember at first, I thought when things were happening, I need to remember thsi so I can tell Westley when I see him. And of course, you can't remember everything, hell I can't even remember why I went in the kitchen half the time. It just makes me so sad, this life that goes on as if nothing has changed. When nothing will ever be the same.
I enjoyed the videos of Brian and J.D. My husband took Westley hunting and fishing a lot when he was younger, but he had not been hanging out with his Dad a lot at the time of his death. Westley had been hunting hard that winter, but alone, and he never got anything. It made me sad that he didn't, and I think it made his Dad sad, too, although we didn't talk about it much.
Lori- Thanks for posting the picture. I have a picture of my husband and my Daddy and Westley on Father's day the year that my Daddy died in July 2006, less than a month later. I had it framed for Westley after Daddy died, and he had it on his nightstand. Sometimes, when I go in his room, which isn't often, I pick it up and I look at it, and I can't believe that out of the three men I loved most in the world, only one of them is left for me now. I knew my Daddy wouldn't be here long when the picture was made, but I never dreamed that less than four years later, my only son would not be here anymore and my husband would be spending the saddest Father's Day he'd ever had. Life sucks sometimes.

Rhonda and Maddy...just checking in before I head out for the day. I am so sorry that you are both having a bad day today. Yes, you are so right... life can suck at times. Simple truth... there are no excuses that satisfy me for why crap happens to good people. Yet, it does. I know what you are saying about waking up to that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach when you first realize again for that day that they are gone. I picked up a paper a couple of days ago with a pic of a young bartender talking about St. Patrick's Day on Saturday. It ruined my day. He was a dead ringer for Jeff. So much so that I almost had a fit. There are so many things that trigger the memories. Too many to list. But we are all experiencing them. Some days we can take it and others it brings us down like a stone. Yes, time is slipping away and changes occur. Life continues as it should. I have convinced myself that he is not left behind. That he is here alongside me all the way. I cannot explain this feeling, but I feel it in my gut. Here but not seen. I still talk to him in my own way.

Many of my own family died years ago. I was only twenty when my father died. My mom never remarried. She became very ill from smoking and required years of care. I was old before I had a chance to be young. I value life and all it has to hold. I know that we are all here from different backgrounds and experiences. Yet we care because we share a similar pain and the understanding of what it is like to lose a child. The ups and downs will continue...I'm convinced of that. But on the good days...get out there and take advantage of it. Enjoy the gift of living and all it has to hold. It is such a precious gift. Take care.

Kate

March 16, 2012

dee, thinking about your nephew and wishing him well again. addiction is a hard one to concur, but with all of us here on BI, we will be rooting him on.

rhonda, thinking of you today and always...sorry you are hurting...

thinkin about all of you here, today.....

love, diane

March 16, 2012

maddy...sorry you are having a sad day today...it hurts, i know. we miss our angels and every day it seems brings a new sadness to us...i am sorry for your loss. love, diane

carol....thinking about you and your ralph today....love, diane

March 16, 2012

Indigos....

Sending prayers and love to all who need them today.

I saw a post this week where someone mentioned taking our angel's clothes and having a quilt made....well that's what my oldest daughter is going to do for me and I am super excited about it. I have not been able to let go of Brianna's clothes although I did move them from the dresser into a large plastic tote. So last night I went through them, the first time I have done so since I put them away, oh the memories! I found her winter hat which I was so happy about when I bought it (one of her disabilities was microcephaly, or small brain, so her head was quite little and finding winter hats was always a challenge) and the neck pillow that we used to put around her neck when she was in her wheelchair, it's pink and purple (her colors) and says "It's a teen thing" on it No tears, just lots of smiles and holding up shirts to my youngest daughter and saying "Remember Sissy wearing this one?"

She had her own personality and I knew her likes and dislikes. She could not talk or walk and she relied on me for all of her daily care, but the love she added to our family was immeasurable and her presence is sorely missed.

One day as I stood at the kitchen sink washing dishes, my boyfriend was sitting at the table and he asked me "What are you thinking about when you look up?" referring to a habit I have of looking up at the kitchen window. I sighed and answered him "Brianna" and he nodded as if he understood. Every evening when I got home from work and got busy making dinner, Brianna would watch me, sometimes I would have to turn the chair so she wouldn't twist her neck trying to see me I miss her beautiful blue eyes watching my every move.

Rhonda---Westley is with you every day....he is a part of every change in life...only his physical self remains behind, his beautiful soul lives on forever....hugs to you

Greg--love the video, I could almost feel the rocking of the boat on the water

Diane--so sorry about your ankle! feel better soon

Dee--prayers for your family

I hope everyone is able to go outside this weekend and enjoy the amazing spring weather....feel the sun on your face and the warm breeze and imagine your angel wrapping you in a big hug....love to you all!

Jenn

Brianna's momma

March 16, 2012

Kate & Diane,Thank you and thank you to everyone for your comfort. I do see perhaps a pattern going on with me. I am reminded of a phrase in the the movie 'Legally Blonde' that my daughter pointed out to me years ago. Reese Witherspoon says in defense of a murder suspect something like............"she works out, and exercise gives you endorphins, and endorphins make you happy. Happy people do not commit murder," I am reminded of that phrase. I just got back from the gym......that my husband has been dragging me with him to every day. I am doing tremendously better than this morning. If I can make myself get into the gym every day, I know I will see improvement in being down and depressed. We also ran and looked at purchasing a pair of bikes so perhaps we can even get more exercise.Thanks everyone, I pull this site up to read while on the cardio equipment at the gym. I can't access any new posts, but can read all past posting from the point I leave my house. I am even trying to save reading everyone's posts until I am at the gym doing cardio. That way I can keep up with all of you, as well as get exercise :-) soooo, I may be a little behind reading, but I am reading everyone's posts :-)Love,Maddy

March 16, 2012

I dont know what is, but the last 2 days have been the worst yet. Ok that was a dumb statement - of course I know what it is. My daughter is gone forever. But really maybe some of the shock is wearing off and the reality is setting in. It will be a month tomorrow. I feel like I can't breathe, I feel like I'm being punched in the gut and getting the wind knocked out of me. Crying constantly and just want to lay down and die. I know these are normal feelings but man do they hurt! I went and sat in front of the vault at the cemetery yesterday where she's at ( can't bury anyone until May here in the U.P) and just completely lost it. Then had to compose myself before I got home to my other kids. Funny how the "robot mom" can kick in so quickly. I'm going to work on getting her bedroom put back together tomorrow to get through the month mark. I now hate the 17th of every month. Thanks for listening

March 16, 2012

amber....it is hard...grief itself is hard work. you not only are so new to the raw pain on this journey, but you are facing a brand new milestone, the one month mark. you, too, face fridays....then, the 17th. 2 things in one week-end. yes, it is normal to feel the way you do. facing your fears of living life without your precious daughter. your life has been shattered, your heart is broken, left with a huge hole in it. a hole that can only be filled with the love your daughter has left behind. she is with you, every step of the way. she loves you and she is there, all around you. i am so sorry you are hurting. i am so sorry that you find yourself here on this horrible journey. stick with us, we will try everything within our power to hold you close to our hearts to help you walk through this pain. know that we care about you and we are here for you. post when you feel like it, no matter what you are feeling. i know that helped me in the beginning. it was helpful to know what others felt and how they moved through this painful journey. we all move at different paces and we all grieve differently. but, knowing this, i have been able to just read when i was able, post when i am able. some days are worse than others and some even worse. so i take the bad, the worst and the ugly and if i happen to have a little better than the worst, then i can say i am doing better. i might regress, but that's ok, too. this life is not easy. i am a different person than before and i am not sure what i will morph into later on, so i don't stress over it, i just wait and see what i might be later on. it has not been an easy road, but i think i am going to make it. there was a time i was not so sure. i kept coming here and 'talking' and 'listening' and these wonderful people saved my life...and i DO mean this with all my being. just don't give up. we are beside you.

love, diane

March 16, 2012

60 weeks today and still counting

March 16, 2012

Thanks Diane. This forum has really helped. No one understands like those of you that are going through it as well

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