Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Char, Kate is surely telling you true, and it is a breath of fresh air when someone ahead of you on the journey lets you know that indeed, one day it will feel softer than it does right now.

in regards to the word "still" that your friend spoke to your response...a teacher was joining our third grade team for the following school year and so she was with us for our end of the year gathering and looking forward to our getting together over the summer to work on curric. She said, I want to get together in July and I said, I can get together all through June and August, but not July. She asked why not, I said, I just don't know how I will be in July, it is the anniversary month of Eri dying. I cannot gage how I will be each year...she said, THE WHOLE MONTH? YOU CAN'T PLAN A FEW DAYS THE WHOLE MONTH? I smiled and said, " nope, I can't, maybe you should try to figure out just how you would be in the same situation..." and walked out. Not that I ever wanted her to know, but it sure does slam someone's mouth shut when they are put in their place.

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate, thanks so much for these words. I was thinking today that I'm caught in a nightmare that I will never wake up from - that I will always be a prisoner of this terrible pain I fell all day long every day. It helps to hear that I may feel some peace sometime in the future.

I have another one for " The Book." My friend asked me how I was doing and when I said it was pretty bad, she said, "STILL?" I guess I only get like 6 month to feel bad.

Char, I have those days too. It is indeed a roller coaster ride with our emotions. Time does help to ease it somewhat...but Dee is so right. We alter our lives after the death and try to find some peace and meaning to our everyday existence. It takes tremendous effort to stay on top of it. It is really easy to slip into a funk and just let it wash over you. And why wouldn't we? We lost our precious child and our hearts are torn apart from the pain of separation. There are days when people make comments that I could go for the jugular....other days where I just have to shake my head and accept that they truly do not mean to step on our toes...that they simply can't understand what we are experiencing. And aren't they lucky? Just let it roll off of you...that is about all you can do. We surely could write a book about remarks that have been made. A simple remark that gently gives them a wake up call will surprise you at the results. Just watch the look on their faces change when they see how they have upset you. Perhaps they will think twice before doing it again.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Today is 23 weeks from the night that we lost Jared (JD). I still wake every morning with a sharp intake of breath, like coming to the surface and gasping for air after being underwater....not quite as bad as those first days, but still there, It's a combination of waking to the thought of him being hit at 50mph, and the realization that he isn't here anymore. Mornings are the worst for me. It defies all rational thinking and beliefs.... it just is.

Your poems and videos were lovely! I have a lot of videos of Jared when he was young, but mostly still pics of him before he left.

I reworked this picture of him with the thumbs up, which is what he did often, he would give you the thumbs up and say, "I got this!"

[dwsmithrn]

just thought i'd pop in and say 'hi' to everyone....i have been reading mostly and not posting lately. i am sorry for all the hurts and fears of the newbies and all the things you have been dealing with like the IRS...that really sucks. when nathan passed, we called all 3 bureaus and put a red flag on them stating that he had passed and the date and that pretty much protected any credit or theft. the main reason we did that is because he already had had his identity stolen in college and that was a nightmare and we didn't want to have to deal with it again. lee filed his tax returns in early february and they flagged his ss# as deceased so it could not be used again. there is so much 'business' to think about and poor lee had to do everything he hardly had time to grieve his brother/best friend in the beginning. he had to sell his 2 houses and worry about the rental houses and now he is trying to sell his car....and now, almost 14 months later, probate court is so far behind it hasn't even closed his case. but, at least most of the business part is behind us, we just need for it to close so we can forget about it. we have his ford sport trac truck and every time i see it in the garage i want to get in it and just sit and talk to nathan. it is bittersweet to have it. i can always picture him sitting there and taking me places whenever i went to the beach to see him. so i sit in the truck and cry and talk to him. i love having it, but i wish nathan still had it....i miss him....ever think how much we take 'i miss you' for granted? those 3 little words....we say them all the time to people, then when they are gone, the meaning is so much more than those 3 little words. i never knew there is so much more hidden in those 3 little words. you can say them and mean it, but you can't describe what is inside those words....i know you all know exactly what i mean, even if i can't express myself here. i know you know.

i am trying to get myself back to work, ever so slowly....seems every time i step into the work place, i get some idiot who says something stupid for the 'book', then i don't want to go back. i worked for 2 hours on saturday and sure enough, this daddy brought his kid in and he is a real 'talker' and he asked a million questions, just in general, not about nathan. he didn't know about nathan....seems he coached some sports events when nate was in HS and insisted i ask him if he knew him and some kids that graduated at the same time, etc, etc....until i finally said, 'i can't ask him' and he said, 'why not?' and i told him 'we lost him last year'...and a tear fell from my eye and he said 'you mind if i ask what happened to him?' and i said 'yes i do, i can't talk about it' and he said, 'oh, well' and he just changed the subject to his kids.....never once said i'm sorry, or anything like that....i walked out of the room and went to jim's office and cried. at least on saturday we only work from 9-11am and that's only every other saturday. when i can get myself together, i will only work wednesday and half a day on thursday. it isn't asking that much of me, really. i think i can manage it, i do....i am just scared and anxious. i don't want to face the public and stupid people. what is wrong with me, i ask? this anxiety has to leave my body soon.....it is holding me back from so many things. i am working with the counselor on it. she asked me to 'try' to work on saturday and i did....i am proud to say that i did it, but the anxiety is sometimes not worth it. i don't have what some people would refer to as 'anxiety attacks', what i have is what i say it feels like as if i am on the inside of my body scratching and clawing to get out....like i am constantly looking for an 'exit' sign....does that make any sense to anyone here? i may not look like that on the outside, but i am screaming on the inside. i know i have to overcome this and i am trying, but how do i do this? really, how do i do this?

yesterday, jim had some work to do at the office, so i took him lunch and stayed for awhile and we had some time to just sit and talk and share and it was a nice time together. we both enjoyed that time. i can find some things to do that i enjoy. but, then i do get sad again and i cry for nathan. it is up and down, up and down.

i went shopping with my daughter and her baby one morning and that was fun....i even went out of town and met up with a friend i had not seen in 25 years. we had a great time catching up. we shared smiles, laughs and tears. it was a good time. we both needed that. it was amazing that i could leave home and drive the 5 hours to get away all by myself and spend time with my friend. but, then i was super glad to get home. when i am away from home and jim, i still have that constant nagging in my gut that says 'you need to be home'...it is the anxiety that i am away from my safe place....what in the heck is wrong with me? at least i was free to cry for my nathan....that did help.

there isn't a day that goes by that i don't completely break down....i think i have come a long way since the very beginning, i do, but i think i am at a standstill right now. it's like there is a bridge to cross and i can't do it. i can't cross the bridge before me.

thank you all for sharing your stories, your wisdom, your photos, your angels with us.

i do miss susannah and hope she will come back.

hope you all find some peace today..........love, diane

[darlenestark]

My aching back is saying thankyou to today's rain after two days of working in Ali's memorial garden. I had my first cup of coffee this morning sitting under an umbrella, listening to the birds and geese and the world coming to life, watching the raindrops wash over the rocks and nourish the newly rooted ornamental grasses. The garden is my work-in-progress, just as this grieving process is a work-in-progress. And I"m pretty sure I'll be working on both for the rest of my life - but that's okay...

I am into my third month of this new existence as a grieving mother. The first two weeks, I didn't think I would ever recover from this. I was hoping that I would die too, because I didn't think it would be possible to have a meaningful life ever again. After the funeral, all I wanted was to be able to do something for my son. That instinct to do things for your child never goes away. So I started knitting and crocheting stuffed animals and toys for Ali's baby girl, River - I mailed them to her just in time for her first Valentine's Day, and then started on a new batch for her first Easter. It became my addiction, my fix. - it was all I could do with myself. And when I saw the pictures on Facebook of River playing in a sea of yarn creations that came from my hands, I realized that they were not from me - they were from Ali. My son is my driving force - and I FEEL his spirit in me, lifting me, guiding me, strengthening me, comforting me. Don't get me wrong - I still cry every morning as soon as the thought "Ali died" first pops into my head, I still break down every time I look at his photos on Facebook, I still ache in my heart and my soul and every cell in my body. But my existence is getting better, and I think it's because I know that's what Ali wants for me, from me. I'm doing this for him...

I've cut way back on the knitting/crocheting obsession - I realize that my true "addiction" is my need to do something for Ali. So I've moved on to the garden project, and now I'm working on some fundraising ideas. His employer set up the "River Fund" for her college education, and Ali still holds the all-time record for the highest ACT test score at his high school, so I'm thinking about establishing an annual award in his name for the student who gets the highest score. It's amazing how empowering it is to move from feeling and believing "my son is dead and there's nothing I can do for him anymore" to feeling and knowing "there is no end to the things I can do for my child"...

[dwsmithrn]

darlene....that is wonderful...ali left you with a grandchild, a part of him...that is so great in itself....nathan was not married, did not have a significant other, nor any children. he did, however, found a scholarship fund for East Carolina University in the Occupational Therapy dept for a member of the armed forces. we have vowed to keep that going in his memory. we are planning a 5k run/walk in july....he always had a big 4th of july blow at his house every year and the whole town knew about it...it included a pig with all the fixings, a band, fireworks and even the town cops came to hang out and supervise. it was awesome. it was kid-friendly as well. he had a bouncy house set up for the kids. so, we are having this event around that time to keep his tradition going. all proceeds will go to his fund. ECU had their homecoming in october and we were invited as guests and they honored nathan's memory. all the staff had something wonderful to say about him and a few fun facts about him. he was a great kid and i enjoyed hearing every thing they had to say about him. even some of his classmates came up to me to tell me some of the nicest things. it was wonderful. my son's death has hit me hard, mainly because i had no idea how depressed he was, he hid it so well. no one, not even his brother who lived 5 miles from him and saw him everyday did not know, so yes, my guilt is extremely hard to manage. looking back, of course, we can all now see what we missed, and it hurts us to think we could have done something to prevent this. but, despite the what-if's, we are still working on his ECU fund, to keep it going in his name. he was just an awesome, giving, caring and loving young man. he loved helping people and his community and gave so much to people he didn't even know. there is no way, we would let this fund go...we have to keep it up....he worked hard to set it up....it is his legacy.

take care everyone.....love, diane

[davincidanes]

The video of Forest is wonderful! What a light-hearted young man he was. So sorry for his loss. Here is one that Sean's friend made for him. It's all photos, made by one of his band-mates in the group Indulge in Las Vegas. Sean is playing the drums in the original song that is the background music. Gosh I miss my boy, but he left so many memories for us to keep forever. In Memory of Sean A. DeVincent

Damn! Crying again!

[darlenestark]

Diane - What a beautiful legacy Nathan has given to this world! It is a pure reflection of his loving and caring spirit - and that spirit is a reflection of you...

I have to say how TRULY blessed I am. Not only did Ali leave me with a grandchild, but he saved her life for us. The accident investigation team determined that in the last seconds of Ali's life, when he faced an unavoidable head-on collision with a large truck, he lowered his seat all the way back, reached into the back seat where River was strapped in her carseat in the middle, used all of his strength to break the carseat from it's base to flip her over to the right side, and shielded her with his body. The car was completely crushed, except for that back right side. If Ali didn't do what he did, we would have lost his baby girl too. She is Ali's miracle...

[davincidanes]

Oh, my gosh, Darlene. That is truely a miracle. God bless Ali!

[Jeff's Mom]

Diane - What a beautiful legacy Nathan has given to this world! It is a pure reflection of his loving and caring spirit - and that spirit is a reflection of you...

I have to say how TRULY blessed I am. Not only did Ali leave me with a grandchild, but he saved her life for us. The accident investigation team determined that in the last seconds of Ali's life, when he faced an unavoidable head-on collision with a large truck, he lowered his seat all the way back, reached into the back seat where River was strapped in her carseat in the middle, used all of his strength to break the carseat from it's base to flip her over to the right side, and shielded her with his body. The car was completely crushed, except for that back right side. If Ali didn't do what he did, we would have lost his baby girl too. She is Ali's miracle...

How truly amazing the strength of your boy to be able to save his precious little girl. God Bless them both. She truly is a miracle child. What a wonderful gift and I'm sure you are enjoying her very much.

[Amber37]

I'm going for a run tonight. Haven't done it since my daughter died. Running and working out was such a huge part of my life but cant get the energy or motivation to do it. I know I'll feel better once I do it ( for an hour anyway) but I've got to start trying to live this new life - if that's what were calling this sad, depressing existence. Anyway here goes nothing.....

[Maddy6]

Amber, good luck with your run, I'm rooting for you. Hello All, I have not had time to read, but will later.

. The great thing was that I went to the gym today. Okay, I've told you'll I was a gym rat at one time. I have repeatedly tried to get back in the gym since Rachael died. I realized today why I would always fail. The drive to live just wasn't there. When I am in the gym I have to push myself, and the last several years my "pusher" has been broken, or at least stuck ! Anyway, I did end up working out with some weights even.I also am planning to take my oldest son to Home Depot this week to select a tree, or trees to begin working on a garden for Rachael. Thanks Ali's mom, and several others, gave me this idea. I think it is going to really be good for my son as he feels we have "forgotten" Rachael. You have all been a light to me and for that I thank you.

Love,

Maddy - Rachael's mom and 5 more also

[JD's Mom, Becky]

It's all you all's fault if I can't walk tomorrow!! All this talk about exercise, and getting outside.... I went out today and pulled weeds out of my flower beds in the front yard. I can't bend, as I have a bad back, so I was on my hands and knees. It did feel good to be out in the air and sunshine, as it was really nice out today. I have always been the main one to do yardwork, but haven't done anything since Jared died. There is still much to do, but at least I got a start. Many memories of the kids sitting atop the brush pile that I would put in the pull behind cart attached to the lawn tractor and haul to the woods. They would sit on the limbs or whatever to keep them from bouncing out. Jared was a big help in the yard, and there's nothing I can look at that doesn't have some memory of him. His whole life was here in this house, and on these grounds. He always said, when his sister would talk about getting her own place, that he was never leaving here, that this would always be his home.... and it is.

[ericasmom]

Spring, rebirth, the seasonal signs tha tlet us know that no matter how sad we are or have been, the world still rotates round and round, making day and night, still makes a revolution around that old sun each year giving us the seasons...we can count on that in this world. For some new to grief, the seasons changing are a hard time, but for many, a welcome change. Either way, I hope everyone gets out in the air when possible.

As far as a tree to honor your Girl, wonderful way to honor boy your Son's needs here, and to honor your Girl. And no more kicking yourself thinking you have been a wimp. No wimps are here, no wimps live through what we have lived through, we are brave and courageous folks with hearts big enough to hold a lifetime of love and and grief while still managing to take care of all else that is in our lives. Not a wimpy thing about you.

[dwsmithrn]

darlene...thank you for that....nathan was a remarkable young man and he is missed by so many....

why the good die young, i do not know....

that is a truly amazing story about ali saving his baby girl. i know you are so sad and so proud at the same time. ali is so missed as well, and yet you have his beautiful little girl to share his stories and memories with her as she gets older, but i know it doesn't take your heartache away. i so wish i had that....i am saddened that nathan never will have the chance to find his family that he so desperately wanted. i know that all of our angels are hanging out together and sharing such love and caring and watching over us. i know i believe this, i just wish my heart would stop hurting. someone once told me that after her son died she would say, 'my heart might be broken, but it goes on beating'....that was some years ago and she has since passed away herself. her son died the same way my son died and her daughter told me this after i lost nathan. she lives down the street and is the mother of 7...my younger children were friends with hers and so she knows this family well. they have been available to us, if we need them. i have pretty much kept to myself for the most part.

i don't have the energy or the health to get up and go exercise. i wish i could, but i can't. i use to be a 'gym rat' as well. now, i am just a tiny little person with no muscles. (yuck!) i used to do it all....yoga, aerobics, weights, swim....i was buff at one time, then i had some health issues and that was the end of that. i admire all of you who get up and go do it. good luck to you and don't over do it...take it slow so you don't hurt yourselves.

have a good night and hope you all get some good zzzzzz's and sweet dreams about your angels.

love, diane

[Jilly's mom]

This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster. Erica’s birthday with her so far away, not being able to hold her and hug her for a happy birthday kiss. Sierra competing at the State level in gymnastics…what a thrill to be a part of that! The ending of gymnastic season, which our whole family is involved in. Sierra’s birthday today. My youngest baby is 17! We feel so incomplete without Jilly here to celebrate with us. She would have been the last minute shopper, as she always was. She would have been the loudest voice in the crowd, yelling “ GO FEENY!” as Sierra did her beam routine. I went out to her grave today and laid down next to her grave blanket and wept…deep gut wrenching sobs from my soul that had been needing a release for awhile now. As I cried, the sun came out, warming my face. I opened my eyes, and when I could focus, I saw two birds practicing their flight. They were in no particular hurry and stayed above me for several minutes. I thought of Jillian and how she is a “Freebird” now. I imagined that I could hear her saying “Mom, don’t be so sad! When you are sad, it means you think I am not here. I’M HERE! I’M HERE!!!! I am right next to your heart. I am so close you can’t even imagine it!”

Then I remembered a song one of her friends had posted on her page called Never Alone. My favorite verse is “Never alone, never alone. I’ll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown. Wherever you fly, it isn’t goodbye, My love will follow you, stay with you; you’re never alone.”

I sat up and looked at her grave blanket, still so pretty after 3 months. I examined each item that had been lovingly placed there by someone who misses Jilly. An ornament, a hat, a dove, a crown, a sign, a flower or butterfly, an angel, a stuffed animal. A note, or ribbon, or chime. Her hippo. The tiny bottle of ketchup made me cry, and laugh too. Jilly so loved her ketchup! Soon we will have to dismantle it and save each item to be put into next winter’s grave blanket. It is obvious that several people go there still to talk to her besides our family. I look forward to warmer dry days where I can spread out a blanket and have lunch there. I know that sounds odd, she isn’t really there at all, but for now, I need to be close to the physical shell that I gave birth to. Soon we will have to decide what headstone will best fit her personality. I am grateful to God for my babies….all three of them, for I shall always be the mother of three daughters, no matter what. Just as Erica lives in California and Sierra lives in Michigan, Jillian lives in Heaven. Sure wish there were a post office there! Or better yet, Skype! Wouldn't that be great?

Kate, what a wonderful thing Ali did for River. The love of a parent knows no end, does it? Sometimes, that parent bond is by blood...sometimes it is by choice.

I have been watching and reading the posts for the past week but couldn't bring myself to write. The driver of the car that Jilly was killed in,(one of her best friends,) was arraigned on an OWI causing a death charge. This is a 15 yr felony in Michigan. After seeing that we were in the courtroom (we weren't invited,we just showed up) the judge let her out on a PR bond. This was an answer to our prayers. We met with the prosecutor last week and told him that we do not want to see DM saddled with a felony charge. We don't want jail time. We want her to be able to educate other kids about the choices they made that night. All choices come with a price. Jilly paid that price with her life. DM is paying the price of guilt and regret every single day...she still looks like an empty shell almost 4 months after the accident. She still cries all the time and says "I wish it had been me!" The prosecutor was very kind and will do his best to honor our wishes for leniency. I just do not see the point in sentencing this young woman to a felony record, loss of a job, loss of an education, etc for something that was a stupid senseless tragic accident....I know I did stupid things at 19, but thank GOD no one was hurt. I would hope and pray that had Jilly been the driver DM's parents would show similiar compassion. I think they would. Some people have said we are crazy...maybe so, but it just takes too much energy to hold on to the anger and bitterness. I simply don't have that to give. I feel much freer since forgiveness has come to stay. I miss Jilly beyond words. She sends signs that she can hear us though, that her energy is still with us. She visits people in dreams...and other things. We find comfort in that and take it as a validation that we are headed the right direction.

[mikesmum]

In the true spirit of the 'exercise'. Brace yourselves Indigos...I have bought a bike...yes a pushy. I rode it around the inner city today (test drive) Ohhh it felt good. Mind you its all flat in town

[robyn]

This week has been such an emotional rollercoaster. Erica’s birthday with her so far away, not being able to hold her and hug her for a happy birthday kiss. Sierra competing at the State level in gymnastics…what a thrill to be a part of that! The ending of gymnastic season, which our whole family is involved in. Sierra’s birthday today. My youngest baby is 17! We feel so incomplete without Jilly here to celebrate with us. She would have been the last minute shopper, as she always was. She would have been the loudest voice in the crowd, yelling “ GO FEENY!” as Sierra did her beam routine. I went out to her grave today and laid down next to her grave blanket and wept…deep gut wrenching sobs from my soul that had been needing a release for awhile now. As I cried, the sun came out, warming my face. I opened my eyes, and when I could focus, I saw two birds practicing their flight. They were in no particular hurry and stayed above me for several minutes. I thought of Jillian and how she is a “Freebird” now. I imagined that I could hear her saying “Mom, don’t be so sad! When you are sad, it means you think I am not here. I’M HERE! I’M HERE!!!! I am right next to your heart. I am so close you can’t even imagine it!”

Then I remembered a song one of her friends had posted on her page called Never Alone. My favorite verse is “Never alone, never alone. I’ll be in every beat of your heart when you face the unknown. Wherever you fly, it isn’t goodbye, My love will follow you, stay with you; you’re never alone.”

I sat up and looked at her grave blanket, still so pretty after 3 months. I examined each item that had been lovingly placed there by someone who misses Jilly. An ornament, a hat, a dove, a crown, a sign, a flower or butterfly, an angel, a stuffed animal. A note, or ribbon, or chime. Her hippo. The tiny bottle of ketchup made me cry, and laugh too. Jilly so loved her ketchup! Soon we will have to dismantle it and save each item to be put into next winter’s grave blanket. It is obvious that several people go there still to talk to her besides our family. I look forward to warmer dry days where I can spread out a blanket and have lunch there. I know that sounds odd, she isn’t really there at all, but for now, I need to be close to the physical shell that I gave birth to. Soon we will have to decide what headstone will best fit her personality. I am grateful to God for my babies….all three of them, for I shall always be the mother of three daughters, no matter what. Just as Erica lives in California and Sierra lives in Michigan, Jillian lives in Heaven. Sure wish there were a post office there! Or better yet, Skype! Wouldn't that be great?

Kate, what a wonderful thing Ali did for River. The love of a parent knows no end, does it? Sometimes, that parent bond is by blood...sometimes it is by choice.

I have been watching and reading the posts for the past week but couldn't bring myself to write. The driver of the car that Jilly was killed in,(one of her best friends,) was arraigned on an OWI causing a death charge. This is a 15 yr felony in Michigan. After seeing that we were in the courtroom (we weren't invited,we just showed up) the judge let her out on a PR bond. This was an answer to our prayers. We met with the prosecutor last week and told him that we do not want to see DM saddled with a felony charge. We don't want jail time. We want her to be able to educate other kids about the choices they made that night. All choices come with a price. Jilly paid that price with her life. DM is paying the price of guilt and regret every single day...she still looks like an empty shell almost 4 months after the accident. She still cries all the time and says "I wish it had been me!" The prosecutor was very kind and will do his best to honor our wishes for leniency. I just do not see the point in sentencing this young woman to a felony record, loss of a job, loss of an education, etc for something that was a stupid senseless tragic accident....I know I did stupid things at 19, but thank GOD no one was hurt. I would hope and pray that had Jilly been the driver DM's parents would show similiar compassion. I think they would. Some people have said we are crazy...maybe so, but it just takes too much energy to hold on to the anger and bitterness. I simply don't have that to give. I feel much freer since forgiveness has come to stay. I miss Jilly beyond words. She sends signs that she can hear us though, that her energy is still with us. She visits people in dreams...and other things. We find comfort in that and take it as a validation that we are headed the right direction.

Louise,

I was so surprised when you wrote that Sierra's nickname is "Feeny"! That is the name I called Chrissy sometimes- Feeny or Feenster. My younger daughter is "Louie" and my son is "Boot". No one calls them these but me. I laughed out loud!

I always check Chrissy's FB page. I'm always pleasantly surprised at all the people that still post to her and miss her so much. I don't even know some of them. It's nice to know that our babies touched so many lives.

It's wonderful that you are showing such kindness and empathy for DM. Forgiveness is necessary if we are ever to heal, and the burden of anger is so heavy on our hearts. I'm sorry that that young person has to live the rest of her life knowing that she caused such suffering and loss. I hope she reaches out for help.

Blessings to you!

Robyn

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, I've been reading. Poems , videos, pictures are a beautiful. Thank you all for sharing. I found a link to this poem on my FB page. Fb to me is my massive news feed. Not so much interaction but lets me know what I've missed during the day. This came from my daughter, Sarah. We enjoyed a day in NYC on Sunday. A beautiful day. 65,000 people streaming out of Madison Square Garden after a basketball game while I searched for her so we could continue on. We took a cab to the National Museum of American Indian, a “ quiet” part of town. Later, walking,walking,walking,subways,stairs,stairs,walking..my gym for the day ! Enjoyed an early supper. I haven't been out much in 3 months, aside from work, so this was a welcomed day. Staying home is safe for me. I understand and also had trouble getting out of the house after Rich died. I found I must be careful that I don't stay in my “safe” place.

Here is the poem. Thinking of you all.

The Peace of Wild Things By Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, a PUSHY, love it. A bike for you to scoot around town. I love riding, it has always offered a wonderful sense of freedom and mind you, I am not good on hills or in strong wind, but boy, do I love to ride. Good for you.

Betsy, glad to see you here today. Sounds like a wonderful day with Sarah in the city. I know what you mean about staying close to home. I tend to feel best when close to home but yes, if we spread our wings some, we find we are privy to the WORLD in all of its wonder. I love the poem you posted and will write it in my journal to use on those days where I feel less able to venture far.

[davincidanes]

I need advice from you that might have some insight on this. I am self-emplyed as a freelance graphic designer. When Sean passed away, I left several projects unfinished and my clients have been very accomodating and patient, saying to take all the time I need before getting back to work, so there has not been any pressure. But it's been almost 10 weeks now. I think every day - I'm going to get back at it tomorrow.....guns blazing, and get back to my normally highly inspired and creative self. Tomorrow comes...... and I don't feel like it. I just continue to grieve the loss of my son, come here, talk to family and friends, and no work ever gets done. I'm beginning to feel the pinch financially, but I really don't care. I can make it for awhile longer without any income..... But gosh!!! How do I make myself work when I don't feel a creative bone in my body???? I know that if I had to go to a regular job, I wouldn't have a choice but to just buck up and do it. Being self-emplyed is both a blessing and a curse in this regard.

This past week we went to the dog shows, which I forced myself to do. It was fun and we did some winning and I was very happy about that. But after it was done, I felt like I had just been distracted for a time and the pain was back full force once we finished up on Sunday and were back home. I felt guilty that I had taken time away from thinking about Sean. I don't know how to do this.

[westleysmom]

Linda-I am a workaholic, so what I have to contribute may be less than helpful. But here it is. I would pick the most complete of the almost complete projects (or the one that the client needs most desperately, I don't know how your business works, but at first, I would just pick one of the projects to work on) and set a time limit for each day, and just work on it for the time limit. If its an hour, or 15 minutes or whatever amount of time that you feel you can concentrate on it, and when time is up, rest or take a walk, or whatever you feel like doing. Once you get started, you may find yourself distracted enough that you want to keep going, which is entirely up to you. But if you don't feel like going on after the set amount of time for that day, don't beat yourself up.

It is not wrong to be distracted from our grief, although at first it feels that way. Everything feels wrong in those first weeks and months as we find our way, even going to the dog show, which you enjoyed after you got there, right? I try to think about it like this, if Westley were here, (which I know he's not, but if he were), and he found me doing this thing (working, or going to the dog show, or church, or shopping, fill in the blank), would he be shocked and appalled? Or would he not be at all surprised that I was working, showing the dogs, shopping? If he was here, and these things needed doing and I was NOT doing them, he would be surprised, not disappointed, mind you, just surprised. So while my life has changed forever because he's not here, there are certain things that I continue to do, because I am here, and I must. I told you I was a workaholic, I was off work for a week when Westley died. It helped me to distract myself, to feel like something was right, in all the wrongness of it all. There was nothing I could do to change the fact that he had died, but I could still do things that I was good at, that helped other people. It was a way for me to control something when everything seemed to be out of my control. It worked for me, and believe me, there was still plenty of time for tears and heartache and regret. More than enough.

I hope you can find something that works for you, it is so hard at first to find our way and each of us deals with it differently. Hugs

[dwsmithrn]

linda....hi....for me, i have not found it easy to go back to work, so almost 14 months out, i have not returned to work YET...i have tried to go back a day or two here and there, but it did not go well for me, so i still remain in my safe haven, at home. i have gone other places, and out of town to visit my other children and to seminars and conferences with my husband, but that feels safe, too, because i am with family and of course, with my wonderful, understanding hubby. but, to be out in the work force is more difficult, at least for me, because i am constantly bombarded with questions and running into nathan's classmates with their babies and it just makes me sad and the questions make me uncomfortable. my husband is the pediatrician to these babies and i am a peds nurse, so i have to see these people and it just makes it harder to deal with on a daily basis. i will work part-time when i go back and i know it isn't asking much, but since i have been out of the office for so long, when i am in the office, i always run into someone who hasn't seen me since nathan passed and so someone wants to address me. it always makes me cry. the crying doesn't bother me so much as it does the other person, but the questions and the comments do bother me.

i do find it hard to hold it together while i am there. i know i have a lot of guilt and anxiety to deal with and i am still working on that part of my grief. i know it is different for everyone, as rhonda has already addressed. i thought i was a strong person, until this completely shattered my whole being...i really don't know who i am right now. i don't even know how to handle myself in any given situation now. i have totally fallen apart. this just adds to my guilt of not being the person i once was, too. i still see the grief counselor and i am seeing my MD on thursday to try to figure out what to do next.

i do understand the not being able to focus on any one project. i do machine embroidery on the side, and i have not been able to do that either. so many people keep asking my husband if i am doing it again, and he keeps saying, not yet. i have done a little for the grandkids, but not for anyone else. i haven't even found joy in doing it for them, just do it because it's expected and that's not even a good reason. i can look outside and the weather has been warm and sunny and the daffodils are blooming and i don't even find the joy in a nice day...it's just another day that nathan is not here. these are the days that he loves....and he's not here to enjoy them. he used to call me and brag about a beautiful day that he was on the beach....i miss those calls. i miss him...i miss his voice.

i'm sorry you are so sad and missing sean....it hasn't been much time at all for you....give yourself time. it's not much advice, but it's all i have to offer you. sean is a beautiful young man. i can just imagine how much you miss him.

take care of yourself. love, diane

[davincidanes]

Thank you so much, Rhonda.

I never thought of it as "something I can control" when so much is out of control. I, too, was a work-aholic before this happened. I totally LOVED what I do and didn't have any problem at all putting in 10 - 12 hour days when I felt inspired. I guess it's that inspiration that I'm missing.... thte desire to please my clients. I'm sure that you are right. If I can set a goal of little blocks of time to focus on it, that inspiration and creativity will slowly come back. I'm sure that this is what Sean would want me to do. We always joked that his talent was audio and mine was visual, and he would be very disappointed that I had stopped pursuing mine. He loved my artwork as much as I loved his music. The only "work" I have done since his death is design 5 different memorial tattoos for myself and members of our family, which, of course, I was highly inspired to do. Yes, I did enjoy the dog shows, but the guillt afterward felt very uncomfortable. Sean would want me to get back into doing that more, too.

Rhonda.... your words hit home for me. Again, thank you so much. ~Linda

[briansdad]

I need advice from you that might have some insight on this. I am self-emplyed as a freelance graphic designer. When Sean passed away, I left several projects unfinished and my clients have been very accomodating and patient, saying to take all the time I need before getting back to work, so there has not been any pressure. But it's been almost 10 weeks now. I think every day - I'm going to get back at it tomorrow.....guns blazing, and get back to my normally highly inspired and creative self. Tomorrow comes...... and I don't feel like it. I just continue to grieve the loss of my son, come here, talk to family and friends, and no work ever gets done. I'm beginning to feel the pinch financially, but I really don't care. I can make it for awhile longer without any income..... But gosh!!! How do I make myself work when I don't feel a creative bone in my body???? I know that if I had to go to a regular job, I wouldn't have a choice but to just buck up and do it. Being self-emplyed is both a blessing and a curse in this regard.

This past week we went to the dog shows, which I forced myself to do. It was fun and we did some winning and I was very happy about that. But after it was done, I felt like I had just been distracted for a time and the pain was back full force once we finished up on Sunday and were back home. I felt guilty that I had taken time away from thinking about Sean. I don't know how to do this.

Here is my input. I talk from a very similar situation. Though I'm 7 years removed from my loss.

I too owned my own business. I was able to take 3 weeks off, which was no where nearly enough time.When I returned back to work I was no where near capable to run a business than the man in the moon. The only reason we continued to stay open was because, unlike you, I had employees. Brian died in 04. I ended up selling my business in 07 to keep from going under. Your feeling of not caring. Wow! I can really relate.

I still have issues getting things done because I don't care. I now only get things done because I don't want to lose my present job.

Just so you know. 13 weeks is still very early and I'm not surprised you're having the trouble you're having.

I'd like to say give it time but that seems to be something you don't have.

Please don't be down on yourself though.All the things you're struggling with are pretty normal.

All you can do is the best you can. The only suggestion I might have is to take the jobs in small segments like try 1 hour first and see what you get done.Then after a few sessions of 1 hour bump it up a little and see how that goes. Just do the best you can because it's all any of us can do. Take life in small segments and when you survive that move on to the next and the next and the next.

Take care,

Greg

[davincidanes]

Diane, I can totally understand your feelings. If I worked away from home, I know I couldn't do it - not yet. I would be in the same as you are. I also always thought of myself as strong....been thru a lot of difficult stuff in my life and always came out on top. It's differnt with this...... there is no "top". It's life changing and all-consuming. I hope that you can find strength along the way, and I am going to try Rhonda's suggestions to see what happens.

Hugs to both of you for sharing your expereinces on this subject. Hugs. ~Linda

[dwsmithrn]

greg...that's very good advise....i'm feeling it....thanks for your input....your a good man....

[davincidanes]

And thank you, Greg. I'm sorry that you still struggle and that it was so hard on your business. It helps to know that some have had the same feelings that I am having now..... about not caring if I work or not.

Yes, small segments at a time will probably be the only way that I can try to do this. Thanks again. ~Linda

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Work.....

I've had people tell me...it would take them longer than 2 weeks to go back to work after losing their child.....but I had no choice. I'm a single mom with a mortgage to pay. I like Rhonda's suggestion, it sounds like a good compromise.

My birthday is Saturday and it looks like the beautiful weather will hold out until then, which I am glad for. Spring is always a hard time of year for me, and I don't know why. I love the birds and the flowers blooming and the promise of a fresh start, but it all makes me miss my girl even more. Maybe that's why, because when she was alive I always looked so forward to warm spring days, when I could take her outside in her wheelchair. Winter's freezing cold was always so hard on her.

My youngest daughter turns 16 in April....the birthday we didn't get to celebrate with Brianna because she died two months before her 16th. Bittersweet for my baby girl to be "older" than her big sister.

I don't post often but I'm here every day, reading and praying for all of you, and keeping you lifted up in thoughts.

Love to all,

Jenn

Brianna's momma

[dwsmithrn]

i think this is the worst thing that can ever happen to any parent and it totally changes us no matter how we look at it. our lives are changed forever and how we come out on the other end is never the same for any one person. we can try to do the things we once did and we can never be what we remember or what others remember we were before this life-changing event. i still have to pretend with my other kids..i put on the pretend happy face and smile and then when i go home or they go home, whatever the case, i am back to my sad face and the intense pain of missing nathan. i try so hard to not be sad, but my heart just can't help it. i work on it everyday. i talk to nathan and cry and beg to make today a better day and sometimes it is a bit better, but sometimes it's not so good. i really don't want to feel like this forever. but i don't know how to pull myself out of this misery. i don't know how to live my life without my child. even one child gone is not what i signed up for....it still breaks my heart and the pain is just relentless. is 14 months enough? is 2 years enough? how long does this go on? is it forever? when does this get 'softer'? when will i begin to see that i can live my life a little?

i went from OCD to IDC (i don't care) ... my OCD perfectly cleaned, everything in it's place house to IDC everything's messed up, out of place house because i just don't care anymore when this happened to me...nathan would have walked in and said, 'really, mom'? i was a neat freak and he got that from me...his house was neat, too....then he got 'sick' and his house went to pot, too....i admit i am depressed, but for different reasons than nathan....i am discouraged with myself. i don't have the get-up-n-go or the energy and i just don't care. my heart's not into it so i jsut don't do anything about it. so, here i remain in my house, mostly in my bed, until i feel like doing something.

sorry if i am bringing you down, i just felt like venting today......

[westleysmom]

Jenn-Very sad for your baby girl to catch up to her sister. I would have a hard time with that too. I hope that your birthday is good, in advance, because I forget things so easily now.

Linda-I told you the things I tell myself, but myself doesn't always listen. There are still days and were lots of days, especially early on when it was very hard to give a flying flip if anything got done. Some days when I came to work, I maybe got 2 hours worth of work done, and the rest of the time just slipped by me. I work in a small office with four other people, we're all about the same age and have been co-workers for a long time, all of our kids are almost the same ages, so they knew what I was going through, as much as anybody can. But there were certain things that had to be done that only I knew how to do, and I hated to put my chores on them. But my job is the not the kind of creative job that you have. Nor is it like Diane's where you have to interact face to face with a lot of people, I don't know when I would ever be prepared for that.

Diane-I know you're struggling so hard and wish there was some way to help. I had a bitter taste in my mouth all weekend, I was so angry that my son was gone, and everything that anybody said to me reminded me of it. I don't know when I will have days like that, and then, the bitterness and anger goes away for a while. There is no rhyme or reason, at least I don't think so. Today is 26 months since the day he died. I thought about it on the way to work and almost burst into tears. I guess that's why I've been on here more than usual today, it just is a sad day.

Greg-Good to see you and Brian's and Alyssa's matching smiles. I hope you are doing okay.

[Amber37]

Diane I feel the same. I put on a happy fake smile and go on with my day. Go to work, but don't care. get laundry and cleaning started but don't care. Cry after my kids go to bed or leave for school. Sit up all night. Don't eat, don't sleep, don't care. It's terrible. I feel like I'm letting my other girls down and failing them. It will be a month this Saturday that my Adrianna has been gone. Still completely unreal and SO wrong! Like someone said before, we are the living dead I guess. Still living for everyone else but dead inside. Sorry for such a depressing post

[davincidanes]

"OCD to IDC" - perfect description of me.....

Okay - just an update... I sent out 2 emails to clients to let them know that I was ready to pick up where we left off on their projects. That will get me going for a little while tomorrow.

Then I went online to juggle some money between bank accounts...... (personal/business) and I screwed it up!!! Sent wrong money from one account to another, so now I have to deal with fixing that. (sigh while rolling eyes)

It was a first step anyway.......... ~Linda

[dwsmithrn]

amber...you are so new to this new life, you must know that you are still in a state of shock and these layers are still peeling off of you, so you will feel something brand new everyday that you wake up. it hurts more and more everyday and i am so, so, so sorry that you have to be here. i am really so sorry.

to all the newbies here, i am very sorry you find yourselves in this place.

rhonda, thank you...it is so hard to think that we live each day, counting out the days, the weeks, the months, the years and yet, we keep going as if the days never pass. we see the world pass us by while our world remains still, quiet...and the outside world moves in fast forward.

i still feel like an empty can with nothing but skin wrapped around it...the only thing i feel is heartache and pain. don't get me wrong, i love my family dearly, but i find it hard to 'feel' the joy and happiness that i am supposed to feel. i know that sounds crazy, but it is what it is.

i hope this will change as time marches on, but for now, i just try to get up everyday and see what the day brings. at least i am getting out of bed on most days now. that is an improvement.

jenn...happy birthday on saturday....hope it is a good day for you...hope your angel sends you lots of love on your special day....

linda...good for you for trying to get some work done....maybe you have inspired me to do a little housework tomorrow....thanks...

love, diane

[daveydow1]

I'm sooooo far behind on reading the posts, I can't get caught up. Oh well, I'll try.

So very sorry for all the new parents coming to BI.

Carol-----Your needlework of the little lamb picture sounds so very cute. Do you still have it?

Those lambs up the road are so darn cute 'gamboling' around in the field. Surely a good

sign of spring. Warm here today.........everything seems to be 'greening up'. RedSox season

coming soon, isn't it?

Dee------71 degrees today.....YAY! Heard the first spring peepers from the creek down in

the valley close by. Pruned the grapevines back today......about 100 ft. of arbor. Quite a

bit of work. Husband did most all of it, and burned all the clippings. Said his muscles will be

telling on him by tomorrow.

Lorrie-----Good to see your posts, friend. Good luck to Kim and Kody in their jobs. Glad

you are recuperating from your surgery.

Hello to Rhonda, Diane, Maddy, Robyn, and to all Indigos.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Deana]

I come most days and read, still not able to keep up! But to all of you who post, thank you. It does help. I know that I am not the only one going through this hell! I do have one question, how do I get over the anger. My son's death was his own doing. An accident yes, but a preventable one.I am extremely sad, but I also seem to be so angry.I don't want to spend my life being angry at him. He was my best friend and I miss him so much. Please any advice would be appreciated.

[michael watkins]

Have not posted in quite awhile but i do come on and read regulary as it helps a lot i dont feel i can help anybody right now as im so new this journey. Tomorow is the 3 month mark for me the longest i have ever been without my son still so hard to swallow that my baby is not physically here. But this group really helps me through some days as well as this world wide prayer line i call. The line is comforting and you can just listen and recieve prayer or join in if you like i would like to share this number if any would be interested it doesnt focus on any one religion it is just prayer the number is 712- 432-0111 access code 1013583 7am and 12pm central time. Since you all helps me through this process i would fine some comfort in hopefully helping you a little more i know we all need as much help as we can get most days to get through this- this forum and the prayer line has been a huge help for me. Any ideas as to what i can do to get through tomorow each month on the 14 is so hard for me any ideas will be appreciated- Tonia *Mikeys Mom*

[briansdad]

I found another song. I think it fits.

[Jeff's Mom]

I come most days and read, still not able to keep up! But to all of you who post, thank you. It does help. I know that I am not the only one going through this hell! I do have one question, how do I get over the anger. My son's death was his own doing. An accident yes, but a preventable one.I am extremely sad, but I also seem to be so angry.I don't want to spend my life being angry at him. He was my best friend and I miss him so much. Please any advice would be appreciated.

Deana...I am so very sorry for your loss. Your anger is perfectly normal. Yet, you mention that he was your best friend. We as mothers still feel a need to guide them and then when they do something stupid we react as any mother would do if it is a bad move. Try to focus on the positives. Look into your heart and focus on the loving and beautiful memories that you hold close to your heart of him. If it was indeed an accident then let him go with peace. It was just that. A terrible accident that was never meant to be intentional. The pain will slowly ease in time and you will eventually release the pent up anger. This is a very hard road that we walk but we are in it together. The anger issue is something that will slowly fade out. Hang in there. Take care.

Kate

[RonnieAlt]

Have not posted in quite awhile but i do come on and read regulary as it helps a lot i dont feel i can help anybody right now as im so new this journey. Tomorow is the 3 month mark for me the longest i have ever been without my son still so hard to swallow that my baby is not physically here. But this group really helps me through some days as well as this world wide prayer line i call. The line is comforting and you can just listen and recieve prayer or join in if you like i would like to share this number if any would be interested it doesnt focus on any one religion it is just prayer the number is 712- 432-0111 access code 1013583 7am and 12pm central time. Since you all helps me through this process i would fine some comfort in hopefully helping you a little more i know we all need as much help as we can get most days to get through this- this forum and the prayer line has been a huge help for me. Any ideas as to what i can do to get through tomorow each month on the 14 is so hard for me any ideas will be appreciated- Tonia *Mikeys Mom*

Thank you so much for the prayer line. I am so sorry for your loss, my daughter died on 10/14/11, so the 14ths are hard. Tonia, no help here, I am new and blazing a trail I have no idea how to blaze. I do know the loneliness you feel, I am so lost without my daily talks with Cherry. I use to log in and put money on her phone each month, I just got the cancellation notice. That is it, she WAS here but is GONE. It hurts so bad, I want to collapse in tears ad melt into the floor. I am inconsolable.

I love you and pray that we can boh make it through this "14th".

Love and ((((HUGS)))

-Ronnie

[dwsmithrn]

greg...WOW....that pretty much says it all....thanks for sharing that song....i wanted to scream it to nathan....

tonia.....thanks for sharing the prayer line....i have to admit, i have really had a problem with trying to make amends with god....it has been tremendously hard to figure out why god let this happen to my son....i am struggling and floundering in a stream....

deana....i think i can safely say that all of us have had our days of anger and for me, it comes and goes on most days. i have yelled and screamed...heck, i stood out in the middle of the road and yelled at the sky...yep, all 90 pounds of me, shaking my fists at the sky and thankfully, no one carried me away in a pretty white jacket. ANGER? yes, it is part of the grief process and it will come and go at different times. there is no set time for it to go away. you will find that at times you will feel less angry than at other times. the love for your son will allow you to over come the anger. i think that for the most part, knowing my son was 'sick' made it easier for me to not be so angry at him, so i directed my anger at god for not making him well. that has been the hardest part for me. mostly, i just feel guilty for not being able to save my child and so i struggle to get out of bed each and every day, because i failed my child. how does a mother not see that her child is sick? how could i fail my child? how do i live with this guilt? that is my daily ( and nightly) struggle....

ronnie....i find that i count each day, each week, each month and now i will be counting each year...almost 14 months, so over a year now. i think if you heard from each one of us, we ALL count. i don't know if you can avoid the counting. we know that our child is not here with us, so counting the days, weeks, months is something we do to help us get through the loss. i can't figure out why it is so important for us to know how many days, weeks and months our precious angel has been in heaven, but it is...it is so important to know.

i STILL collapse on the floor and sob inconsolably and i still feel the need to do this. i just talked to my younger son (30 y/o) and we talked a bit, and when i told him i cried again today and why, he said, 'mom, you never have to explain your tears to me."....he really misses his brother, too. they were best friends and lived 5 miles apart. they saw each other every day. he was one of the police officers on the scene, but was not allowed to have direct contact with nathan, thank goodness. but, i can't imagine what he went through....he went to counseling...it was required by the PD before he could return to work. he said he still cries too.

sherry....good to see your posts.....

good night to all indigos.....sleep well.....(something i do not do these days)....i am exhausted.....love, diane

[ericasmom]

Sherry, 71 or 72 today, amazing. Tomorrow, it may hit 80 which is quite ridiculous for March and what a headspin it will be when regular March temperatures return. I think that they will at least for a bit, but oh the garden. Your husband and mine will be feeling it tomorrow, he was weeding even though he said he wouldn't, knowing that it may get cold again so to uncover so many plants this early...well he did anyway because they are growing through the cover we give them in the fall. So come what may, hopefully our gardens will thrive and flourish no matter the ups and downs of the thermometer.

Rhonda, you gave Linda and many others great advice today about work. For me work is part of what saved me I think. Being around kids each day makes you have to be present with them, and even though my heart was aching, it was also smiling while we learned math skills and reading skills, and did projects and took walks in the neighborhood, and wrote poetry and all that comes with teaching third grade. So in many ways, I am lucky to have the job I do for that reason. I love teaching and I was terrified that I would no longer love it as it felt hard to love anything when Eri died. I knew that I loved Jonathan, my Son unconditionally like i do for Eri, but there were few others who I felt any connection to for a while after she died. She died in the summer and school was going to start about 6 weeks later, so I went with the understanding that if I could not drum up any enthusiasm for the job that I would take an extended family leave. But as it turns out, being at school felt wonderful to my spirit. I had a purpose and a cause and a reason to be up and moving about. I do think too, that Eri helped direct me as she would be pissed if I did not continue to do what I love.

So tired, going to sleep now, love to all, those here for a long while and those new. Take good care of yourselves, that is what our Angels would have us do.

[ericasmom]

Greg, so good to see you, thanks for the music too.

Anger is not easy to deal with when it is toward our Child who left, but it is doable. You may need some help with it, therapy helped me tremendously, my issues were not anger but so many other things.

As far as getting through the date each month...hard but also something that I found hard that first year. Now nearly 9 years later, the 14 th of each month is not a marker of sadness as it once was. Yes my Girl also died on the 14th of the month, July. So I would go to the cemetery on that date if I was able, I would buy some flowers that I liked, I would light a candle at home and play music that made me cry or made Eri dance. Just quiet ways to make the date mark the time in some way.

[mikesmum]

Diane ~ OCD to IDC yep that pretty much sums it up. And its not how I wanted it, its just how it is.

My 'care factor' took a beating. It really was about nothing I had done or did would alter where I was or what had happened so why bother.

As for going back to work....well my job needed me to be who I was. Confident, concise, multiskilled, caring, able to leap tall buildings I did go back but my perceptions and abilities were obliterated.

Shoot, somedays in those first years I didn't make it out of PJ's let alone pick up a phone or answer a door. Cleaning house, was and still is loooowwwww on my list of things to do.

I know there is no 'real time frame' for this grief thing. Many of you are still in the early stages. Its like walking around in a dark fog, searching for what you think is the light switch but everything has changed and its darn hard to find.

Be kind to yourselves...something that allows that space to breath. Hardest thing is to raise your hand and say...maybe I used be able to, maybe I will again, but right now I can't.

Take it one step relates to most things in our days. Its like we're trying to heal from an horrific physical assault on our being. Somethings work, others for now don't.

Five years in and I am now in addition to walking my pup, riding a pushy....who'd a thunk!

I rode along an old rail trail out towards Mikes place. Where he lived and then onto the river.

I did just under 8kms (4 miles). Its hot and windy here but you know, the wind in my face, the path winding through pastures and towns that barely exisit now....something that bought a smile...

[mikesmomrs]

I just lost a complete post that I was getting ready to enter, and am now too tired to try to replicate it. I am so dumb sometimes...I am always telling myself to put it into word first, but then just go ahead and start posting without following my own advice!

Tomorrow we have no commitments; I will come here and post again. My love and heart to all of you.

Tonia and Ronnie: Our Mike left on the 14th, also, the 14th of October, 2006. Like Dee said, it is so very hard, but over time we find ways to get through that day, sometimes by just taking one breath at a time. Eventually, the impact softens a little and as we heal enough to celebrate their lives, we are able to move through that "14th" a little smoother, though we of course never forget. The missing piece of our heart is always there to remind us.

Trudi: Congrats on the "pushy!" Mike got your "Punch buggy" today..he was so tickled! He especially liked your explanation of your "train of thought," so very much like me; he is very used to it!

[robyn]

Diane I feel the same. I put on a happy fake smile and go on with my day. Go to work, but don't care. get laundry and cleaning started but don't care. Cry after my kids go to bed or leave for school. Sit up all night. Don't eat, don't sleep, don't care. It's terrible. I feel like I'm letting my other girls down and failing them. It will be a month this Saturday that my Adrianna has been gone. Still completely unreal and SO wrong! Like someone said before, we are the living dead I guess. Still living for everyone else but dead inside. Sorry for such a depressing post

You never have to apologize- not ever. One month is too soon to expect that much from yourself, and you aren't letting your other children down- you are THERE. Your sorrow is so painful right now, it makes it hard to believe that it will get better. But it WILL get better. Just keep coming in here and post whatever you are feeling- it DOES help.

When Chrissy left, I had nothing- not for my husband, not for my other two children. I knew they were hurting, too, but I just couldn't help them. It took awhile, like swimming up towards the air from very deep down, but I was finally able to take a look around and reach out to my loved ones. I knew I had to look after them, just as Chrissy would do if she was here. It gave me a chance to focus on something other than my own pain, and it helped.

In the meantime, please be kinder to yourself.

Robyn

[robyn]

"OCD to IDC" - perfect description of me.....

Okay - just an update... I sent out 2 emails to clients to let them know that I was ready to pick up where we left off on their projects. That will get me going for a little while tomorrow.

Then I went online to juggle some money between bank accounts...... (personal/business) and I screwed it up!!! Sent wrong money from one account to another, so now I have to deal with fixing that. (sigh while rolling eyes)

It was a first step anyway.......... ~Linda

Linda,

Congratulations on that first step! It's always the biggest one!

Robyn

[ericasmom]

Good morning All, just in from a beautiful half-moon-bird-song- walk, it is still dark but the world is awake with sound from our winged friends. I heard robins as most prevalent and those who start the chorus, starlings, cardinals, sparrows of many kinds, chicadees, and wrens. All under the half moon making this walk very good for my spirit.

I wish you all a day that makes you feel proud of your achievements. We must look at small things now as big steps because we now know the energy they take. We must not put ourselves down for the steps we take as these are OUR first steps into a world that has new rules. When our Babies took their first physical steps or their first independent roll in a wheelchair, we hooted and hollered in great joy, anticipating these gains all along but unsure of them. I kind of picture our Babies now, hooting and hollering, a cheerleading team, when we make our moves as well. They are anticipating our steps but have no idea of when or how we will do. But they hope for us, they hope for us to find our way somehow, and they are cheering adn they are not disappointed in us when we fall back a few steps, it happens to each of us, so don't put yourselves down, instead, try to name all the ways you have taken a step since your lives changed. It feels like a huge weight on our hearts so know that nothing will feel quite right for some time. Be proud of your efforts and be kind to your spirits.

[dwsmithrn]

trudi...i am impressed that you are riding your 'pushy' and for 4 miles...that is great...i have no strength or energy...maybe one day i can find it. glad to know that i am not the only one who no longer cares about the little things or big things like housework...my dust has made friends with the new dust and they are perfectly happy together...

dee...you always know the right things to say to give encouragement...you always have good advice. thank you.

carol...i love to hear from you...you are like a lighthouse, lighting the way....

linda...good luck today with your projects....i know you can do it...we are all behind you..

rhonda...i'm so happy to see you back again...or maybe, it's me that's back again...

robyn...you are so right, no one ever has to apologize for what they post here...it is a cone of safety here...you are free

to say what you feel anytime...that is what this site is here for and we are here for you. robyn, you have a kind

spirit....

deana....my husband and i go to therapy together and we believe it has helped us tremendously. if you ask anyone on this site

they will tell you where i was and how far i have come in the last few months. not only this site, but therapy has

helped me. but, i have to say that the people on this site literally SAVED my life. and that's no joke. i am

forever grateful to them for that.

to everyone here who is facing the "14th" today, my heart is with you on this date. i will hold you close today and hoping your angels will send angel kisses and hugs your way today. in some way will they let you know they are near.

love, diane

[Maddy6]

Greg,,,,.I loved the song and cried as I listened to it. Thank you for posting. It says it all. I especially liked the damn, damn, damn......kind of speaks to the utter frustration and reality of the situation we are in. Your work experience sounds like mine. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday I went to finalize some things for next semester at school. School has been great and was a positive diversion for my pain after Rachael died. I have just changed my major from Education to Graphic Design with an English minor. Which I decided to do what I really wanted. My problem is this........I like school, make all A's etc. The cardiologist wants to schedule our 14yo son for the procedure (surgery, but no cutting involved) next month. It is difficult to decide what to do. It has to do with a electrical malfunction in his heart that has the potential to be deadly. Yet there are people who live with it. They go in through the groin and go into the heart. Good new is everything goes as planned, but if things do not go as planned, he would have to wear a pacemaker for life. Also, the surgeon admitted that yes, he had lost patients before during this procedure. To compound matters Carson has what is known as a left super vena cava. Most people's valve that enters their heart is on the right side. Carson's is on the left. .3% of the population is like this. Surgeon is saying, sure, sure, I have done surgeries on hearts like his. But I had already researched and knew how rare it was, so I questioned him further. He then admitted he had done the surgery a "couple" of times on hearts with this condition. He said Carson should quit all sports and go on medication if he does not get the surgery. Yet the general cardiologist faxed a note to school stating Carson could continue in sports. So if it is so dangerous, why did she do that? Also, I don't mean to be distrustful of him, but he does earn his living by doing these surgeries, and this is my kiddo's heart. We are unsure about how to proceed just yet.~~~~~~~Thanks for listening. You are my lifeline and I appreciate you all so much.~~~~~~~~Love~~~~~Maddy