Loss of an Adult Child

February 13, 2012

I'm sorry that you are experiencing so much pain right now. I lost my daughter too, and I experienced the comments of someone who didn't respect me enough to understand what I was going through. The things she said were so hurtful. My anger almost got the better of me, but somehow I held it together. I told myself that I deserved it, because she wouldn't have said those things if I hadn't done something to cause her to lose respect for me. Later I emailed her and said that I never wanted to talk to her, or see her again. I'm not sure if I did the right thing, but I haven't changed my mind about that.

People let us down, so I don't have much faith in people. However I haven't lost my faith in God. I don't really trust anyone completely, not even myself, but I do completely trust God. I know that God has a plan, and I like what I believe His plan is. God didn't cause my daughter's death, living in this world caused it. If you live in this world there are more things that can kill you than I could ever name. Most of my life I couldn't believe in God, and learning to believe meant that I had to find a way to justify Him for allowing all the suffering I see in this world. I may be out of line by sharing this, but I want to tell you the answer that I found and accept.

It's simple really, God allows suffering because that is the only way to bring an end to suffering. He allows people to die, because that is the only way to bring an end to death. God didn't kill our children, the evils of this world did. By allowing us to experience the horror of suffering and death, there is coming a day when we will be able to choose to not do the things that cause suffering and death. I can see a day when we will be able to live forever, and there will be no tears ever again. Suffering will be a thing of the past.

I love what I believe, and I am comforted believing that our children are in a better place where there is no more suffering or death. Somehow believing that helps me accept that my daughter died, and she isn't coming back. I pray that you can be comforted too. I am so sorry for the pain that you feel. Please forgive me if anything I said offends you in any way.

.
Still struggling with the whole God idea since Stephanie died, I talked to a friend that seemed to be grounded in such matters...not my Indian friend whom I usually take such matters to. I told my friend (now ex friend) that God, himself, could come down here and explain Stephanie's death to me face to face and I'd tell him, "you were wrong". She was offended with my arrogance and asked me what else I expected God to do in light of the fact that I wanted to raise my grandchildren so bad. I told her to kiss my ass.
I WANTED TO RAISE MY GRANDCHILDREN SO BADLY THAT GOD HAD NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO KILL MY DAUGHTER? Seriously? Don't they know why we fought so hard for these kids? Don't they know the hell they lived through? We didn't want to raise them. We had much different plans for our lives at this stage of the game. We wanted them SAFE!!! Never...never...never...did I want my daughter dead. I haven't been this angry in a very long time. I just don't mix well with people. I have to stick around for Gary and these children...but, I am so over this.
And, God can kiss my ass, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

February 13, 2012

Betty, I did not see your post till now, thanks Sweetie, i am glad that my poem touched your heart. I know that the squirrels have been whacky here, just loud and aciive and fat as can be. I think that the mild winter has allowed them much to feast upon. Today I walked down to the slough and sat on the old cement steps that overlook the water, opaque with ice, and slushy on the rim of the slough. I was wearing double pants and plenty of layers otherwise I would not have been able to as today felt liek winter. I sat under the bluest sky and let the sun sink into me, hoping to feel the peace all around me. I did, the woodpeckers were calling and drilling far off, the small birds were hoping and gathering in the low-lying bushes along the water. the wind moved leaves across the ice like tiny skaters. I sat and sent my prayers and hopes swirling over the ice with the wind.

February 13, 2012

I'm beginning to believe you, Dee, but it just doesn''t make sense. I mean...there had to be some kind of divine intervention in Curtis's wreck a few weeks ago. There is no other explanation. But, one of my truest, bestest friends ever said to me last night..."The reason Stephanie died is she was driving carelessly on a machine she was inexperienced on. God had nothing to do with it."

Truth is, I'm not even sure I believe in God anymore. I mean, I think there's something...but, not a Jesus or a heavenly father. I just want to be okay with my belief. God or the God concept has been such a huge part of my life for so long that it's hard to just turn it off. I wish I could be as confident as George Carlin was...or Bill Maher is. They make the most sense to me since Steph died. I don't know what that says about me...that I turn to atheist comedians for relief...but, there you have it.

Thanks for responding to me.

February 13, 2012

Susannah...how rude and insensitive and downright WRONG your (ex) friend was not only in thst she told you such a horrific thing, but for her to assume/think that that is how God would work!!! While i personally dont know how God works in her life (who EVER would believe such a thing about their God, no matter who they think he is), but i know that you have mentioned before that you think (at least i think it was you...if;i am incorrect, please forgive my leaky brain) that our time here is already measured out and that God doesn't choohse the "how"...and many of us here have said that we believe our children are gone already, before the pain of dying sets in -- wasnt it one of your daughters who dreamed of Stephanie's being "lifted away" from the accident ? This woman is nuts! I am sorry you had to hear such rubbish!

I hope i haven't offended anyone here by having said all that. There are definitely many wonderful things about this site and i think one of the most comforting is that we can express our beliefs without worrying about being ostracized...i fall back on this sense of freedom to speak when i say things like the above, but because there are,so many new parents here, i wanted to be sure i said that i hope i wasn't offending anyone.

Maddy: when i was replying to your post about the misguided art teacher, i forgot to tell you that i thought your picture sounds so very beautiful...the way you were able to express your grief in your art is just beautiful. I am so sorry that you had the need to express such loss, but i am glad you were able to do it in such an artistic way.

Trudi: yes, i feel so blessed that i can now think of a very sad memory in sweeter terms, even if the sadness is still there, it is good to feel the "good" part of that memory.

Betty: thank you for your kind words. So good to see your post. Glad you are still feeding the squirrels and watching.the eagles.

Thank you, all of you for your kind words, prayers and support.

February 13, 2012

I am so glad that I have my faith in God to help me accept the loss of my daughter. I love believing that the God who created all the universes is the same God who has my daughter's life in His hand. God the creator of all things knew how Hannah would die, and He knew what her life would be after she died. I'm so glad that I know there is a better life after this one. Perhaps we should cry when a child is born like someone has been said before, because the world our children are growing up in is a hard place and full of suffering. To leave this world in death means going to a better place where death and suffering are a thing of the past.

What a blessing to be able to find comfort in believing those things when we are facing the loss of a loved one. I do believe in Jesus, and I love having hope that Jesus has made a way that our children can be saved from death. I don't believe any of our loved ones were good enough to save themselves from death, but I do believe that God in Christ is able to do that for us. I'm so glad that I never have to question whether they were good enough or not. God is our Savior, and I am comforted in believing that. None of us are good enough, and nothing we can do can save us, but God can. I don't trust in people, and I don't trust me to always do the right thing, but I do trust God.

It was hard for me to finally believe, but now nothing can take my faith in God away from me. I believe He is allowing us to make the decisions that will determine our futures in this world, and we make some stupid decisions sometimes. However when this life is over, our role in this world will be over, and we will never do the stupid things again. The picture I have of heaven is really good. I can't tell you how much I love being able to believe that my loved ones who have died are there, and they are happy and very busy using all the new abilities God has given them. I have an idea of the wonderful things they might be doing, and my idea is really really good. God created all those universes for some reason, and I'm betting our loved ones know what that reason is.

February 13, 2012

Susannah,I am so sorry for the insensitivity of your (ex) friend. I have never had any blame issues! or been angry at God. I even had a therapist tell me I was "supposed" to be angry at God. Well I have not. That is how I processed my grief and that was me. HOWEVER, my kids are another story. They were always raised with a strong foundation of belief in God and going to church. After these kids went through Hurricane Katrina, a year in a hotel, then 8 monts later, their sister dies. They HATED God. They have even said there is no God and God is dead. NOW, I am their mom, and if my kids who had had their worlds torn apart wanted to hate God, guess what? I told them that is OK with God. I told them I understood how they felt and their feelings were OK. I told them they did not have to pretend, that they could tell us how they felt and God was big enough to handle the truth. To expect anyone, a kid or otherwise to pretend to respect God when they do not is phony. My children's world was ripped apart and I knew it would be a long time before they could overcome what they felt was a betrayal of God. When 1 son was 16, his girlfriend was being told stuff at church about his attitude by her youth pastor. She confronted him and me. She told me if I was not going to demand he change his attitude about God, then when? She wanted to know when would he change if I wasn't going to make him? I told her to come back and talk to me when she had been through what my son had. Anyway, my son was devastated and they broke up. It was all very sad. She could have been a friend and support to him at a time when he was so fragile. Instead religion was crammed down his throat at the guidance of her youth pastor. My children will heal and forgive God on their own time. God is big enough to handle their pain, their hurt, and their anger. It is OK. I wanted to tell you that story to tell you it is OK for you to be angry at God and question His existence. It is OK to disagree with Him concerning the loss of your precious child. You have endured the greatest pain a mother can ever endure. I do not know all the answers, but I do know it is OKAY. Anyone getting offended by the way you feel has the problem and is not a friend in my opinion. You have a right to feel what you feel and be truthful about it. Again, I am so sorry for those people who hurt you and tried to force their belief of God on you.Love and hugs,Maddy

February 13, 2012

Carol - Your fire makes me smile. Amanda had the dream of Stephanie being lifted away. For the new people, I'll retell it...for the older members, please indulge. And, even before I begin to type the story, I feel peace settling in my gut. Thanks, Carol. I needed to remember what I believed. Isn't it odd that we have to be reminded... I'll forget again. A few months will pass and I'll be looking up and demanding "WTF!?" Then, I'll come here, and you and Dee will remind me. Thank you both for your love. Now, now that peace is settling in...I don't think my exfriend meant it like I took it. I think Dee's right...it was interpretation. But, I already told her to kiss my ass and to F off...so, the damage is done and I'm sick and tired of apologizing for myself. I'm just no Mother Teresa or Donna Reed. I've tried to be those women (well, Mother Teresa with sex)...but, anyway. I swear to God I am sober. Insane, but clean and sober. Before I tell our story, just a quick I'm so sad about Whitney Houston....I'm so sad for her daughter and the people who loved her. What a talented woman!

The dream - true story.

Stephanie died on a Sunday morning - at 10:55am, to be exact. She was riding a newer model ATV on a paved road. For those of you who know, the machines handle differently on paved roads compared to dirt roads. They have less control on a paved road - I don't know why. She was wearing a helmet. She was going about 30 to 40 mph. Not too fast for a car, but too fast for the ATV. She came to a sharp curve in the road and lost control of her machine. In recreating the accident, the deputy deduced that Stephanie must have panicked and hit the gas instead of the breaks. There is no sign of her slowing down. She missed the curve and ran straight into a barbed wire fence that was about 10 feet off the road. The machine was just the right height and her neck hit the barbed wire...the machine kept going straight...ripping right through the fence. They found it in the middle of the field on the other side of the fence when the momentum of the speed sent it, until it idled to a stop. The rest, the deputy claims was assimilated by a computer to reenact the accident. According to her injuries and the position of her body, the computer generated reenactment suggests that the fence caught Stephanie's neck, slicing her carotid artery immediately (life ended for her in that instant). The speed her body was traveling with the ATV slid her across the fence, slicing her neck from ear to ear - cutting both arteries. There was another slice on her arm and the back of her head hit one of the fence posts, gashing the back of her head. Her body landing about 15 feet from the initial impact.

However, several of Stephanie's friends claimed she was murdered. It turned out Stephanie had a boyfriend (which we did not know about - we didn't know she was dating anyone. The agreement was no men until she got her act together and her kids back) Anyway...this boyfriend was transitioning out of prison for felony stalking his ex girlfriend. He had hogtied her and left her in a field to die. Also he had previous charge of domestic abuse for trying to slice his ex wife's throat. (yes, my daughter could really pick 'em.)

So, Stephanie died on Sunday morning. We found all this information out the following Friday evening...Stephanie had already been cremated.

In the mean time...I have three surviving, adult children. I needed them with me that first week...so, Amanda, my oldest, still lived in Casper when Steph died (she lives in New Hampshire, now - not far from Carol and Karen. Karen doesn't post right now...she's taking a break...her son, Shawn, was killed in a motorcycle accident one year and one month after Steph died). So, even though Amanda lived in Casper she stayed with me. None of us were sleeping, of course, but on Tuesday after Steph died, Amanda came to me crying because she kept having the same dream. Steph died on Sunday...on Tuesday Amanda tells me about the reoccurring dream which began Saturday...the night before Stephanie died. On Tuesday, we still didn't know about the crazy man Steph was seeing.

Amanda dreamed that Stephanie was driving an ATV, and there was a man on the back and he took control and forced the machine into the fence, pushing Steph's neck into the fence.

That Friday, after we found out about this guy, Amanda and I were completely freaked out. We had already had her memorial....she had already been cremated...and we were both now convinced she was murdered, too. That's how we found out her friends thought she was murdered. They came to us and told us about the guy - there's a sort of humorous side note here.

It was Friday night...her memorial was Friday morning...Stephanie was quite active in Celebrate Recovery - A Christian recovery thingy. They were honoring Stephanie during their service that night so we all went...it's not my thing. So, after church, a few of her friends gather round to tell me about this crazy man. Amanda was there, ready to stand in between us in case I went into "I will kick ass" mode. She's only 4'11".... I mean...get real......anyway...Jennifer, my youngest daughter was inside the church with her dad and brother. One of Steph's closest friends had just finished telling me about this felony boyfriend and my sweet, gentle Jennifer walks out with a man who she wants to introduce me to..."Mom, I want you to meet the man Stephanie was dating." She was very polite and as pleasant as if she had found some hidden connection to her sister. I was down that boy's throat (well - he was about 30) like flies on you know what. The other friends quickly intervened to let me know this wasn't the boyfriend - he was another one - the first one...Stephanie had a few secrets. I digress. The look on Jennifer's face, now that I think back, was priceless. Wide eyed as her 5'2", 110 lb mom gets in this 6 ft, 200 lb man's face and I'm going to take him out. That's funny....I don't care who you are........The man is probably still in therapy. He wanted to talk to me and I told him no...not now...not ever. Maybe I am a mean, arrogant woman. So...back to my story.

Okay. Steph dies on Sunday. On Tuesday Amanda tells me about a dream she had the night before Stephanie died and has had every night since. It's now Friday. Jennifer is leaving for Iowa on Saturday, so she, Amanda and I stay up visiting. We found out about the felony stalker and Amanda and I were insane trying to figure out how to pursue an investigation. Jennifer tells us both that we are operating on fear and God doesn't work through fear. We agree and decide to leave it alone for the night. Jennifer and I sit, together, on the sofa. Amanda curls up and falls into a restless sleep on the love seat. She is curled into the fetal position, moaning. I had some anointed oil so I got it and put a drop on her forehead and Jennifer and I prayed that she would get some rest. I'm not a long, fancy prayer. I talk to YOU all (and everyone else) with too many words, but that's not how I pray. "God, please calm Amanda's thoughts and dreams and give her a peaceful night's rest." That simple. I had just finished saying the prayer and Amanda stretched out, rolled onto her back and sighed, "Ohhhh." And, she slept the whole night through..

Waking joyful and at peace. I asked what was going on when she mumbled "Ohhh." She smiled and told us....

"Steph came to me last night. She told me, 'I'm okay, Amanda. The reason I was screaming is because I was scared and the man on the back of the machine was Jesus, taking my spirit before I ever hit the fence. I love you and I'll never leave you."

Long story....you might not even have read it all....that's okay...because I needed to remember it. Thanks Carol!

Damn, I love this group!

February 13, 2012

I thought my dream of Hannah smiling and saying "Hey Daddy" was good, but I believe Amanda's dream is so awesome I love it. A good dream is the best medicine for a grieving heart. Have a great night and a good dream, that's what we all need.

"Steph came to me last night. She told me, 'I'm okay, Amanda. The reason I was screaming is because I was scared and the man on the back of the machine was Jesus, taking my spirit before I ever hit the fence. I love you and I'll never leave you."

February 13, 2012

Carol - Your fire makes me smile. Amanda had the dream of Stephanie being lifted away. For the new people, I'll retell it...for the older members, please indulge. And, even before I begin to type the story, I feel peace settling in my gut. Thanks, Carol. I needed to remember what I believed. Isn't it odd that we have to be reminded... I'll forget again. A few months will pass and I'll be looking up and demanding "WTF!?" Then, I'll come here, and you and Dee will remind me. Thank you both for your love. Now, now that peace is settling in...I don't think my exfriend meant it like I took it. I think Dee's right...it was interpretation. But, I already told her to kiss my ass and to F off...so, the damage is done and I'm sick and tired of apologizing for myself. I'm just no Mother Teresa or Donna Reed. I've tried to be those women (well, Mother Teresa with sex)...but, anyway. I swear to God I am sober. Insane, but clean and sober. Before I tell our story, just a quick I'm so sad about Whitney Houston....I'm so sad for her daughter and the people who loved her. What a talented woman!
The dream - true story.
Stephanie died on a Sunday morning - at 10:55am, to be exact. She was riding a newer model ATV on a paved road. For those of you who know, the machines handle differently on paved roads compared to dirt roads. They have less control on a paved road - I don't know why. She was wearing a helmet. She was going about 30 to 40 mph. Not too fast for a car, but too fast for the ATV. She came to a sharp curve in the road and lost control of her machine. In recreating the accident, the deputy deduced that Stephanie must have panicked and hit the gas instead of the breaks. There is no sign of her slowing down. She missed the curve and ran straight into a barbed wire fence that was about 10 feet off the road. The machine was just the right height and her neck hit the barbed wire...the machine kept going straight...ripping right through the fence. They found it in the middle of the field on the other side of the fence when the momentum of the speed sent it, until it idled to a stop. The rest, the deputy claims was assimilated by a computer to reenact the accident. According to her injuries and the position of her body, the computer generated reenactment suggests that the fence caught Stephanie's neck, slicing her carotid artery immediately (life ended for her in that instant). The speed her body was traveling with the ATV slid her across the fence, slicing her neck from ear to ear - cutting both arteries. There was another slice on her arm and the back of her head hit one of the fence posts, gashing the back of her head. Her body landing about 15 feet from the initial impact.
However, several of Stephanie's friends claimed she was murdered. It turned out Stephanie had a boyfriend (which we did not know about - we didn't know she was dating anyone. The agreement was no men until she got her act together and her kids back) Anyway...this boyfriend was transitioning out of prison for felony stalking his ex girlfriend. He had hogtied her and left her in a field to die. Also he had previous charge of domestic abuse for trying to slice his ex wife's throat. (yes, my daughter could really pick 'em.)
So, Stephanie died on Sunday morning. We found all this information out the following Friday evening...Stephanie had already been cremated.
In the mean time...I have three surviving, adult children. I needed them with me that first week...so, Amanda, my oldest, still lived in Casper when Steph died (she lives in New Hampshire, now - not far from Carol and Karen. Karen doesn't post right now...she's taking a break...her son, Shawn, was killed in a motorcycle accident one year and one month after Steph died). So, even though Amanda lived in Casper she stayed with me. None of us were sleeping, of course, but on Tuesday after Steph died, Amanda came to me crying because she kept having the same dream. Steph died on Sunday...on Tuesday Amanda tells me about the reoccurring dream which began Saturday...the night before Stephanie died. On Tuesday, we still didn't know about the crazy man Steph was seeing.
Amanda dreamed that Stephanie was driving an ATV, and there was a man on the back and he took control and forced the machine into the fence, pushing Steph's neck into the fence.
That Friday, after we found out about this guy, Amanda and I were completely freaked out. We had already had her memorial....she had already been cremated...and we were both now convinced she was murdered, too. That's how we found out her friends thought she was murdered. They came to us and told us about the guy - there's a sort of humorous side note here.
It was Friday night...her memorial was Friday morning...Stephanie was quite active in Celebrate Recovery - A Christian recovery thingy. They were honoring Stephanie during their service that night so we all went...it's not my thing. So, after church, a few of her friends gather round to tell me about this crazy man. Amanda was there, ready to stand in between us in case I went into "I will kick ass" mode. She's only 4'11".... I mean...get real......anyway...Jennifer, my youngest daughter was inside the church with her dad and brother. One of Steph's closest friends had just finished telling me about this felony boyfriend and my sweet, gentle Jennifer walks out with a man who she wants to introduce me to..."Mom, I want you to meet the man Stephanie was dating." She was very polite and as pleasant as if she had found some hidden connection to her sister. I was down that boy's throat (well - he was about 30) like flies on you know what. The other friends quickly intervened to let me know this wasn't the boyfriend - he was another one - the first one...Stephanie had a few secrets. I digress. The look on Jennifer's face, now that I think back, was priceless. Wide eyed as her 5'2", 110 lb mom gets in this 6 ft, 200 lb man's face and I'm going to take him out. That's funny....I don't care who you are........The man is probably still in therapy. He wanted to talk to me and I told him no...not now...not ever. Maybe I am a mean, arrogant woman. So...back to my story.
Okay. Steph dies on Sunday. On Tuesday Amanda tells me about a dream she had the night before Stephanie died and has had every night since. It's now Friday. Jennifer is leaving for Iowa on Saturday, so she, Amanda and I stay up visiting. We found out about the felony stalker and Amanda and I were insane trying to figure out how to pursue an investigation. Jennifer tells us both that we are operating on fear and God doesn't work through fear. We agree and decide to leave it alone for the night. Jennifer and I sit, together, on the sofa. Amanda curls up and falls into a restless sleep on the love seat. She is curled into the fetal position, moaning. I had some anointed oil so I got it and put a drop on her forehead and Jennifer and I prayed that she would get some rest. I'm not a long, fancy prayer. I talk to YOU all (and everyone else) with too many words, but that's not how I pray. "God, please calm Amanda's thoughts and dreams and give her a peaceful night's rest." That simple. I had just finished saying the prayer and Amanda stretched out, rolled onto her back and sighed, "Ohhhh." And, she slept the whole night through..
Waking joyful and at peace. I asked what was going on when she mumbled "Ohhh." She smiled and told us....
"Steph came to me last night. She told me, 'I'm okay, Amanda. The reason I was screaming is because I was scared and the man on the back of the machine was Jesus, taking my spirit before I ever hit the fence. I love you and I'll never leave you."
Long story....you might not even have read it all....that's okay...because I needed to remember it. Thanks Carol!
Damn, I love this group!

Susannah,

I love the way you ended this story! What peace it must have given you. Thank you so much for sharing it. It made me feel better, too!

Robyn

February 13, 2012

I don't get that either, Dee. Part of what I remember saying to the reporter when they switched from asking questions about the speed limit on our road, which I was prepared for, and they asked a question like "Well, how are you moving forward after this terrible accident that took your son's life? How are you coping?" I remember saying that it was difficult for me, and for each member of my family, to just get up in the morning, and to try to do the things that we needed to do, just to survive. I told them that our lives were forever changed. I said that many people have told me that God had another plan, but that I simply did not believe that. I said, Don't take me wrong, I believe in God, I believe my son is with him in heaven, and that is the only solace I have right now, but God did not plan this to happen to my baby, that God gives us free choice, that we are not puppets on a string, and that sometimes the choices that we make, or others make for us, can cause things to happen that would not be something that God would plan. I also said that I believed that God, in his infinite mercy and wisdom, did see in that moment, that the choices made that night could end either in Jared's death, or end in a long brain trauma state that would not be the son I knew. I said, and I believe, that God at that moment, who does have the power of life and death, allowed Jared to die rather than to suffer. I know he would not have wanted to live like that, and we would not want that for him.

The reporter went on to ask things about his personality and his views of the world, and what he had planned to be when he was grown, etc., and I answered those questions as best I could. The funniest things sometimes come to my mind when people ask questions like that. I guess because I just played the video recently where Jared at four years old said he was going to clean cars when he got big, and make all the money in the world, that is what I thought of when they asked that question! In fact, I think I told them about that, but added that more recently he had talked about wanting to be a doctor, but that his thoughts on vocation changed frequently, as he was, afterall, only 15. I remember telling them that whatever he would have chosen to do, that we knew he would be successful.

It felt so strange to be describing to strangers, his big smile that he had all the time, or about him cracking jokes, and then add that he chose his friends, and people he liked, not by what material things they had or their position in life, but judged them by how they treated him and others, in other words, by what was in their hearts. I told them he had a heart of pure gold, as I rubbed the little gold heart around my neck that holds some of his ashes. I know at that point, I was really spacing out. That is what happens to me, I will be talking, and then my mind is completely on Jared, seeing things he did, remembering bits of conversations, or comments he had made, and his laugh, always his laugh; and I completely forget I am having a conversation, or maybe didn't hear something they said!

I guess I will see on the two broadcasts planned for tomorrow night and for Tuesday night, what of that, if any they actually put on the news. I may have some religious groups holding prayer for me if they don't agree with the statements I made, if they air them. The hardest part was not being able to put the blame where I really wanted to, but the time for that will come.

Here is a short poem that Jared wrote long time ago. It was printed on a picture of trees and flowers that he drew for a school project:

All around I see God's grace,

From the wind in my hair to the sun on my face.

The flowers, the trees, all speak of His care,

His wonderful creations are everywhere.

Author: Jared West

I guess I don't get why folks think that God did this to us? God didn't kill our Kids for heaven's sake! God provides a place for our spirits to be when this life is over. It is not up to God to make sure of us, that is free choice, not that we had any choice in our Child being here or not but it sure wasn't God that made a train hit Eri's car...it was God who helped her find her new home though, at least that is what I believe. The God that I have long talked to and loved, is not in charge of who lives and who doesn't...She/he is that next step when this life is done.
I am sorry Susannah, that your exfriend intimated that you wanted Stephanie gone so that you could take the kids. Interpretation issues.

February 13, 2012

Still struggling with the whole God idea since Stephanie died, I talked to a friend that seemed to be grounded in such matters...not my Indian friend whom I usually take such matters to. I told my friend (now ex friend) that God, himself, could come down here and explain Stephanie's death to me face to face and I'd tell him, "you were wrong". She was offended with my arrogance and asked me what else I expected God to do in light of the fact that I wanted to raise my grandchildren so bad. I told her to kiss my ass.
I WANTED TO RAISE MY GRANDCHILDREN SO BADLY THAT GOD HAD NO OTHER CHOICE THAN TO KILL MY DAUGHTER? Seriously? Don't they know why we fought so hard for these kids? Don't they know the hell they lived through? We didn't want to raise them. We had much different plans for our lives at this stage of the game. We wanted them SAFE!!! Never...never...never...did I want my daughter dead. I haven't been this angry in a very long time. I just don't mix well with people. I have to stick around for Gary and these children...but, I am so over this.
And, God can kiss my ass, too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Susannah,

I'm so sorry that your friend said such a stupid thing. I never will understand what satisfaction some people get out of being so cruel. It would be great if we could just "dust off" such stupidity, but when you are in the kind of fragile state that our loss leaves us in, I think we feel these things more- especially when they come from people we thought were friends.

God has strong shoulders and He is infinitely patient. He understands our pain and our anger more than we do sometimes, and I know He is willing to wait for you. I shook my fist at Him, too, and cursed Him for taking my precious daughter from me. But in the past two and a half months, He has never let go and has filled me with gratitude for letting me have that wonderful woman in my life for 33 years, and peace that allows me to find joy in the precious memories I have of her.

Darling girl, ENJOY your grandkids! You have that right and it is what your daughter would want, I am sure.

Robyn

February 13, 2012

Getting ready for work but just want to note that the sky is a most beautiful shade of pink with lavender mixed into the clouds, it is to me a holy sight, one that speaks to my spirit, the sun rises pink on a new day. And when we wonder and we curse a new day without our Child in it, know that they will always be in it but in a new way, still curse the events, we all do and must, but know, your Child is near. And day still follows night.

February 13, 2012

A few days after Brian was killed, a very wise woman said to me:

"God did not take Brian, God received him."

That statement has carried me through many a day and night.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

February 13, 2012

Susannah

I think we just made another addition to our vitual book entitled:

Oh No You Didn't Just Say That"

So sorry that someone would say that to you. When someone says something stupid like that to me, I say in my head:

"Forgive them Lord, for they know not what they say."

Love to you today, Susannah

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

February 13, 2012

She dedicated this song to me. She sent me the CD, it was right during the time we were going through everything. I am posting the words. They reduce me to a basket case every time. Little did she, and I know they would speak to me after her death. I am posting them and hope they speak to your hearts as well.Through everything I have never lost my faith. I say as Job did," though He slay me, yet will I trust Him."

"Praise You In This Storm"

I was sure by now

God You would have reached down

And wiped our tears away

Stepped in and saved the day

But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls

I barely hear Your whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

[Chorus:]

And I'll praise You in this storm

And I will lift my hands

For You are who You are

No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried

You hold in Your hand

You never left my side

And though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when

I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to you

And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone

How can I carry on

If I can't find You

But as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

And as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives

And takes away

[Chorus]

I lift my eyes unto the hills

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord

The Maker of Heaven and Earth

[Chorus x2]

February 13, 2012

Watch this video and be encouraged:

http://m.youtube.com...h?v=Ji2rLXr3cEU

February 13, 2012

Colleen - Love back to you, my friend! Under this chapter's title, for our book, would have to be the words, "Susannah throws another tantrum." I hate it when that happens. The emotional hangover the next morning is just not worth it.

The first months after Steph's death, when I was so raw and open (exposed), there were so many signs and manifestations from Stephanie....from our Creator....that it was almost beautiful. Beautiful like watching a volcano erupt. You know things are going to get hot, but the light show is so darn amazing. I'm not that raw, now, and the wounds have scabbed over so it's not as exposed...maybe that's why there aren't anymore signs or messages.

Rachel, Robyn, heydaddy, Becky, Maddy - thank you for sharing your faith with us. We don't all share the same faith or belief in God, but I appreciate that we can all come here and talk about it without fear of attack or someone trying to "save" us.

Thanks, again.

February 13, 2012

Wow Maddy, I love your faith. Your link doesn't work the way you thought, I think.

Bad things happen to good people, you are proof of that. We live in a world where bad things happen, and if we live long enough we will get our share too. I'll bet you when this life is over and God lets us see the consequences of all the bad choices that have ever been made, it will be enough for us to live forever and never make those bad choices again. Forever is a long time. I don't have faith in people, or myself, but nothing can ever take away the faith I have in God.

Here is the link to the video. It speaks of who I am on the inside. This video shows my city.
Two years before Katrina my dad died. My "Christian" sister had apparently done some shady things, as she was maintaining his paperwork. My dad lost his eyesight the last 2 years of his life and had given her power of attorney when he had had surgery. Long story short, me and my other sister were written out of his will. I lost my inheritance. It was a great deal of money and property. I knew this was not the wishes of my mom, or my dad. I also did not think family should fight in court. I gave it to God and walked away from the strife. I also walked away from my greedy sister.
2 years later, as a 6th generation New Orleans native, I lost my city, my community, my church, friends, neighbors, job etc., I gave it to God and went on.
2 years after Katrina, Rachael dies. I am broken, do I feel sorry for myself? Hell yes! But I am working on that....But I do know where my help comes from. It is from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth. He has not forsaken me. I do not have the answers for this. But I do know I will praise Him, for He is worthy.
Watch this video and be encouraged:

February 13, 2012

1329142893' post='83892']
Here is the link to the video. It speaks of who I am on the inside. This video shows my city.
Two years before Katrina my dad died. My "Christian" sister had apparently done some shady things, as she was maintaining his paperwork. My dad lost his eyesight the last 2 years of his life and had given her power of attorney when he had had surgery. Long story short, me and my other sister were written out of his will. I lost my inheritance. It was a great deal of money and property. I knew this was not the wishes of my mom, or my dad. I also did not think family should fight in court. I gave it to God and walked away from the strife. I also walked away from my greedy sister.
2 years later, as a 6th generation New Orleans native, I lost my city, my community, my church, friends, neighbors, job etc., I gave it to God and went on.
2 years after Katrina, Rachael dies. I am broken, do I feel sorry for myself? Hell yes! But I am working on that....But I do know where my help comes from. It is from the Lord, the maker of Heaven and Earth. He has not forsaken me. I do not have the answers for this. But I do know I will praise Him, for He is worthy.
Watch this video and be encouraged:
http://m.youtube.com...h?v=Ji2rLXr3cEU

it worked for me..i remember somene sharin this song with me recently but i was too angry to even bother listenin to it..i loved it tho..how weird it seems that as soon as one bad thing happens..it never stops..its just bad after bad after bad..but we get so used to it..i guess thats why people think we're strong..im not strong..im just numb to pain now..

February 13, 2012

Hey msnher,

I've called myself a horse of a different color several times on this forum. You are one too. Believe it or not, I don't try to save people, in the religious way that is. Looking around the world I can see how diverse we really are, and I really try to understand why people believe the way they do. Things that come easy for me to believe, might be impossible for you to believe. I learned that looking back on all those years when it wasn't possible for me to believe in God, no matter what anybody said. If I can understand that our experiences in life bring us to the place where we believe what we do, I know God understands too. I trust Him to see our heart, and understand our need. The reality of all the suffering in this world forces me to realize that none of us are special, and we would be fools to hate like some of the people of that Westborow Baptist Church who hold the signs claiming that they are some kind of fags.

Sorry about that, I was getting carried away there for a minute.

Colleen - Love back to you, my friend! Under this chapter's title, for our book, would have to be the words, "Susannah throws another tantrum." I hate it when that happens. The emotional hangover the next morning is just not worth it.
The first months after Steph's death, when I was so raw and open (exposed), there were so many signs and manifestations from Stephanie....from our Creator....that it was almost beautiful. Beautiful like watching a volcano erupt. You know things are going to get hot, but the light show is so darn amazing. I'm not that raw, now, and the wounds have scabbed over so it's not as exposed...maybe that's why there aren't anymore signs or messages.
Rachel, Robyn, heydaddy, Becky, Maddy - thank you for sharing your faith with us. We don't all share the same faith or belief in God, but I appreciate that we can all come here and talk about it without fear of attack or someone trying to "save" us.
Thanks, again.

February 13, 2012

Kenn, it should work now.Susannah, Thank you too, for accepting me the way I am. I appreciate your acceptance of me, you have helped me so very much. Thank you or the light that you are to me.

February 13, 2012

Aggravated...usually its the children who are unappreciative of everythin parents try and do for them..for me its the opposite..i lost my house and car recenty..my parents have an extra car that is paid off they just dont have the money to fix it since it broke down sometime last year..so i thought with my tax return i would fix it since i need a car again..so i told my dad the idea.and of course his first response was well...how much are you goin to give me..thye dont use the car and they dont plan on usin it..would it be so much for him to think..hey my daughter needs a car and maybe she can have this ine if shes goin to fix it..in the past hes bought all 3 of my siblings a car..i bought my own car but never complained..he wasnt workin for a while now and was strugglin so anytime i would get my disability..yess im young but i was in the army and really messed up my legs and back..anyhow..i would give him money..without him askin.hes never said thank you or even showed any appreciation..i told him..i help you out so why wouldnt u even think of helpin me out..and his response..i dnt need anythin from you..which in reality he does..i was payin half the rent..payin the light bill and puttin gas in his truck..and givin him and my mom money..and im the only child thats ever helped him out...Am i bein selfish for not thinkin i should have to pay him for the car?

February 13, 2012

Hi Lily's mom,

I know how you feel when it feels like you are just taken for granted, and how it feels when you need help it isn't there for you. I'm not sure of all the circumstances or what must be going on in your dad's head, but I do pray that he will help you. My advice would be for you to talk to him and share your heart, and how you feel about him wanting to be paid for the car. Lack of communication can destroy relationships if we let it. Perhaps you are living with him now, and he thinks he is helping you in that way.

You can see that I don't know enough to even give an opinion, but I know if it were me I would give you the car. Actually I gave my children their first car, and Hannah more than one. I've noticed that sometimes when things come too easy our children don't appreciate what they have. You appear to me to deserve your parents help, and I pray that you communicate and everything gets worked out in your favor. God bless you Lily's mom.

Aggravated...usually its the children who are unappreciative of everythin parents try and do for them..for me its the opposite..i lost my house and car recenty..my parents have an extra car that is paid off they just dont have the money to fix it since it broke down sometime last year..so i thought with my tax return i would fix it since i need a car again..so i told my dad the idea.and of course his first response was well...how much are you goin to give me..thye dont use the car and they dont plan on usin it..would it be so much for him to think..hey my daughter needs a car and maybe she can have this ine if shes goin to fix it..in the past hes bought all 3 of my siblings a car..i bought my own car but never complained..he wasnt workin for a while now and was strugglin so anytime i would get my disability..yess im young but i was in the army and really messed up my legs and back..anyhow..i would give him money..without him askin.hes never said thank you or even showed any appreciation..i told him..i help you out so why wouldnt u even think of helpin me out..and his response..i dnt need anythin from you..which in reality he does..i was payin half the rent..payin the light bill and puttin gas in his truck..and givin him and my mom money..and im the only child thats ever helped him out...Am i bein selfish for not thinkin i should have to pay him for the car?

February 13, 2012

I haven't been on in a while. My computer is so slow lately, I think I have a bug on it, keep hoping that the cable come through this spring, it was supposed to last year but they got to busy. Then I can get a fix online and this will move faster (I hope)

I have missed dates again, and I am so sorry.. I think of you all.. my heart is not far from this site even when I am.

It has been really hectic around here. Taking mom to the dr, and my son has been doctoring.. just not a lot of time for me, Yes I know I should but I don't know how anymore. Mom spends so much time in the past.. she is living life from when I am younger.. it makes it easier because so much forgets the accident and JaBoa. I know deep down she still loves her greatgrandaughter.. but her mind just isn't in the right place.

I still wait for new on what the state will do with JaBoa's mom. She wants to go to trial,she is so sure she won't have to do time.. I hope she is right. Sena wants so much to go home to her mom and I know little Travis does too. I haven't seen him since October. We are going to try to see him on the 20th.. we will go to Williston for a birthday party for JaBoa.. cupcakes at her site and balloons. The kids are really looking forward to it.

Listening to you all talk about your faith makes me understand that I am not alone. I have so many ups and downs with God. I still have faith, but it does waiver. I try to teach my son the love and power of God. During one of our last talks about God, I told him that God was all powerful and he asked me why he can't just bring JaBoa back. The only thing I could tell him was that it wasn't the way it works.. when JaBoa was in her accident she was hurt.. the body was broke and so her soul went to live with God and one day we will be with her. I just don't know what to say to him, or to her sister when she wonders why the angels took her out of the accident. She swears it is so... and if it is so why didn't JaBoa get taken out...?? how I wish I could tell them.. I don't know

I just kind of go through life with not knowing anything. Why friends treat us so stupidly after such sadness touches our lives.. I guess it happens more than we understand, and even through their stupidity or their non caring we never wish that they have to find out what it feels like to lose a child, we never wish this terrible feeling on anybody.your right Coleen.. They know not what they do..

I gotta run.. mom keeps interupting this note and I am losing my thoughts..

Carol.. thinking of you and Mike (Ralph) hope he gets strong fast and you stay strong in healthy through it all.

I think of all of you.. Dee, Sherry, Rhonda, Susannah, Amy, Betty, Betsy, Trudi, all of those who have been here for years and those of you new to the site.. thank you for sharing your hearts and your angels

February 13, 2012

Pam-I'm sorry I missed Andy's Angel day. I hope you are doing okay.

Leah-You have so much on you with your Mom and everything. It is hard to know what to believe anymore, and trying to help the little ones understand is so very hard. Hugs

Trudi-Loved the picture of you and your Daddy. It is so hard during those first years especially when you run into someone that doesn't know about your loss. I guess as time goes by, there are less and less people who don't know, but even a month or two ago, somebody who did know, and had of all things FORGOTTEN, asked my husband how Westley was doing. I'm glad it wasn't me that she FORGOT with. He just said that Westley died and I'm sure she wanted to at that very moment. She said she was sorry, but it just makes you realize that other people's lives really do go on, pretty much the same. Was it you that said you could take it from anybody here that we are still lucky to have our other children/grandchildren, but not from anybody outside this group? I had to read a bunch of pages to get caught up, so I may be mixing you up with somebody else, but I feel the same way, whoever said it. When it comes from somebody here, I know they are speaking from experience, and from other people, it sounds like they think you're whining and trying to get you to stop.

Lily's Mommy-I loved the video of Lily. She is so precious. I am glad that you were able to reconnect with the boys. I can't imagine how hard it is for you and I think Lily would be proud of her Mommy. I'm sorry your Dad isn't being as helpful with the car and hope that you are able to work something out with him.

I went to the services Friday for the friend of Westley's that died in jail last Monday. It was very hard to see all of these young people heartbroken again over the loss of someone they loved. And of course to see how hard his parents and other family were taking it. It just breaks your heart all over again. I gave my numbers to his mother and told her she could call me anytime, but I know right now she is still reeling from the loss.

Think of you all every day, even when I can't get time to post. I hope that we all find a happy memory somewhere in there today that brings a smile.

February 13, 2012

Rhonda ~ Yes that was me. I can take those here who walk with me suggesting how to make it through another day & who allow me to post a pic from 1974 and 'get it' without question.

Our Virtual book of "Oh no you didn't just say that" (working title) grows day by day. Very few of the quotes come from those who know...My thought, they come from a place of inexperience, lack understanding of the never ending and borne of a fear that says in a way "Thank goodness its not me who lost their child'.

Colleen ~ Yes I think you're right, Brian was received. Your heart broke, but your faith keeps you strong at those times when all else fails.

It was good to log on and see face I hadn't seen for sometime..Its like running into an old friend. I know those faces, I know their stories.

Well its Valentines day here. The commercialism and the 'need' to be someones Valentine is finally taking off here. Me personally, I'm taking my best friend for coffee after a walk in the sunshine. I thought I'd follow that up with some dental work :blink:

Dee - I love this...I too look to the sky the wonders of the mountains around me and long for the ocean...all speak to my spirit....Micheal for me is part of those that take that palete and paint across the sky .

Getting ready for work but just want to note that the sky is a most beautiful shade of pink with lavender mixed into the clouds, it is to me a holy sight, one that speaks to my spirit, the sun rises pink on a new day.

February 13, 2012

I so agree with you Trudi, seeing Leah here tonight makes me smile. Hi Leah. I am sorry that the ongoing keeping your Mom in good health is hard on you, you are the nurturer for the whole family, and that has got to be exhausting. I think that your answer to JaBoa's sister is a good one, that when a body is hurt beyond fixing, it is best that they travel on to heaven where they are perfect again. Why did the angel take her from the car and not JaBoa? That is something we will all know one day, but not until she is very old and she travels to heaven. It does sound like survivors guilt to me though, and maybe her school social worker can be informed of this to see what she/he thinks about that. She wonders why she was saved and not JaBoa and this can cause her some worries that we just don't always know how to address. The other thing thought Leah is this, it is okay to tell a child that you just don't know all the answers to God and Heaven questions, because you are here on Earth and won't have all of those answers until you are in Heaven. Adults for too long felt that they had to have the answers to it all, but we don't, and we are much more human to tell them so. I am holding your heart with mine.

Trudi, so glad that your morning sunrise was beautiful too, that you see and feel Mike in it all.

Rhonda, how is CJ now that the funeral has happened? I am so glad taht you are there for him.

February 13, 2012

Betty-----Things have been going ok........hope you are doing ok too. Husband is feeding the birds

as usual.......today many mourning doves came (12). There's a cat that comes around in the

evening to eat any bread pieces that the birds leave behind. Some of the birds knock the pieces

off the stump onto the ground, where some is left hehind. This cat is not a stray......just a

barn cat from the nieghbors. In a few more weeks, it will be March, and we can begin thinking

about spring. Many seed catalogs coming in the mail now, so something to look over and dream.

I baked a cherry pie yesterday.

Carol------Sending many thoughts & prayers for Ralph and your family.

Diane-----Glad to see your post. Hope you are doing better.

Leah----Good to see your post. My computer has also had its spells of being slow----mostly due

to the weather being cloudy and blocking the sattelite signal. Hoping your mother is doing better.

You are in my prayers, friend.

Dee-----I love your description of your walk and sitting by the water, the sky, etc. Very lovely

descriptions. Glad that you are back at school. The kids will be glad too.

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO EVERYONE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

February 13, 2012

When Rachael was in Minnesota Teen Challenge she dedicated this song to me. She sent me the CD, it was right during the time we were going through everything from Hurricane Katrina. I am posting the words. They reduce me to a basket case every time. Little did she, and I know they would speak to me after her death. I am posting them and hope they speak to your hearts as well.Through everything I have never lost my faith. I say as Job did," though He slay me, yet will I trust Him." but the night she died, I was hit with an urgency to call her. Her dad & I called her and had a wonderful,loving conversation. I was desperate, even frantic, so urgent was my feelings. She told me she had to go, she was on her way to work. She lied, she was going to get a tattoo. She couldn't tell me that because old fashioned freak that I am didn't want her to and she knew it. Wish she was alive now so I could go get a mother/daughter tattoo with her. Somehow things are in perspective now, ya know? Anyway, she told me she loved me. As I was falling asleep 20 min later, I tried to tell my husband to pray with me for her, but he was already asleep. I prayed and then put my faith and trust in God to protect her. I have seen much answered prayer in my life. God has given me a strong faith. I know He has not left me nor forsaken me, but I am no longer the prayer warrior I once was. My prayers could not save Rachael. My prayers did not save Rachael. It is just the way I feel.Anyway, I think the words of the song will bless you, hope so anyway.Love and ((hugs)),Maddy
"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
[Chorus x2]

Maddy, I can't tell you how much I love this song! I posted it, too, a couple of weeks ago. It almost says it all, doesn't it? I get my music going and start to sing (I have an AWFUL voice!) and sometimes I'm singing around a lump in my throat. But, BOY, do I sing! Before I know it, I am wrapped up, again, in warmth and peace.

Thank you dear one!

Robyn

February 13, 2012

Just back from the dentist when I met an elderly couple delivering these.....The pictures don't do justice to the colouring of those glass toadstools....just when you thought no one was listening.

February 14, 2012

Oh my goodness Trudi, those are gorgeous. Wow, I do believe an Angel sent you these people. Lovely.

February 14, 2012

The house without you seems empty and bare,

The smell of your fragrance no longer fills the air.

Your face, your smile the touch of your skin,

The forthcoming plans you'd aimed to begin.

The years of your life were not in vain,

As your time with us precious memories will always remain.

We know our hearts will never mend,

We'll ache and weep until our lives end.~J. Coombs~

February 14, 2012

http://www.wmdt.com/story/16924862/mother-finally-speaks-out-after-son-was-tragically-killed

Hope this link will work. They didn't put hardly anything in about all the stats I had regarding speed limits and resential areas, but at least it's something. Supposed to do a report tomorrow night, more on the life of Jared.

I wrote in the comment area, the other stats I wanted them to use, but I guess the bit was too short, and there wasn't time.

February 14, 2012

Maddy, I thought you had taken up poetry until I read the author's name! ;o)

Here is one I wrote between the wee hours of last night and today. See how you all influence me? Note the next to the last verses.

Thoughts of You…. By Becky West 02-12-2012

From the moment I’m awake, my thoughts are of you,

They continue through the day, no matter what I do.

Memories of you surround me, how you looked or spoke

Your smile, that made me smile, as you would crack a joke.

You knew the English language well, put the rest of us to shame,

Your mind so sharp, so quick to learn every new video game!

You laughed as you said the Droid wasn’t meant for me,

Too many aps, & a screen too small for me to see.

You really wanted my phone, said you needed it more,

You even tried to bargain, saying you would do your chores!

You’d get on the couch to snuggle with me, like when you were small,

But one of us got bigger, cause I’d move and you would fall,

Once I knocked you to the floor, I’d get down and tickle you,

And you would laugh so hard you’d cry, and I was laughing too.

There were times I didn’t laugh, when you lost track of time,

I’d drive to get you and you weren’t there, wasting my last dime.

I’d fuss, & you’d cuss, and then I would be madder still,

But I would tell you “I love you son, & I always will.”

You’d grown so big, I couldn’t handle you, so sometimes I’d tell Dad,

Then I would regret having said anything, cause it only made you mad.

I kept saying, it’s an age and a stage, he’ll grow up and we will laugh,

Never dreaming I’d be here and you’d be gone, I never saw this path.

Your heart was kind and you’d quickly forgive those that did you wrong,

Your friends all knew It was hard for you to stay angry very long.

I’d like to think that something we taught or said was part of who you were,

I will claim the good parts and any bad to Dad defer!

I hope you knew before you left, how much we really cared,

By word, by deed, and all the many things we shared.

You knew more words, more games, more aps , more people than most do.

You’ll forever be my babyboy, and I will always be proud of you.

I don’t know why God took you before I could see you grown,

You were so much a part of my everyday, that now I feel alone.

I know you’re up in heaven and happy as can be,

I just miss you so much and wish you were here with me.

I am glad that God saw what was happening; earth’s loss was heaven’s gain,

I trust He snatched your spirit up before you knew any pain.

Watch over me my angel boy, wait by heaven’s door,

I’ll be home soon, like I said that night, and together we’ll be once more.

The house without you seems empty and bare,
The smell of your fragrance no longer fills the air.
Your face, your smile the touch of your skin,
The forthcoming plans you'd aimed to begin.
The years of your life were not in vain,
As your time with us precious memories will always remain.
We know our hearts will never mend,
We'll ache and weep until our lives end.~J. Coombs~

February 14, 2012

Becky, I think that the news report was great, you did a super job, focused and strong, the fact that they are giving this this much time is in your favor. Please send the second link when you can. Good work Becky, hard work, but so worthy. The towns people should praise this in you.

February 14, 2012

Becky,I loved the poem. I read it smiling warmly, feeling I knew Jared. Since I have teenage boys I had to chuckle over the similarities in their behavior. Trying to get your phone by saying he needed it more and could understand it better ;-) video games....yep, I can relate :-) such a beautiful poem :-) I just connected with so much in the mother/son relationship in it. I do write, and I love poetry. But that poem was from a sad story I read about I read about online. I really connected with the words, especially the verse..the forthcoming plans you planned to begin....it conveys to me how she was ripped from us so unexpectedly, in the middle of life.I pm'd you about the newscast. You did great.Love and ((hugs))Maddy

February 14, 2012

Thanks, Dee. I do have a lot of support and encouragement in this. So many people copied the letter I wrote to DelDot and emailed from their own emailbox, that someone just told me that theirs got kicked back. Hopefully, his mailbox is totally full! I told them to wait a day or two, and send it again!

Becky, I think that the news report was great, you did a super job, focused and strong, the fact that they are giving this this much time is in your favor. Please send the second link when you can. Good work Becky, hard work, but so worthy. The towns people should praise this in you.

February 14, 2012

Thanks for sharing...I love this story too. We were told by a psychic that Jilly also "jumped" out of her body before impact. She could see it, but did not feel it. Thank God.

Louise (Jilly's mom)

Susannah,
I love the way you ended this story! What peace it must have given you. Thank you so much for sharing it. It made me feel better, too!
Robyn

February 14, 2012

Good morning, Indigo's;

Beautiful, heartbreaking, poetry that speaks of our lives before and now.

In those early months after Stephanie died I received many signs from her. I had a very powerful dream which I know was from Stephanie. I received what I call "my letter from God". I'll repost it here. I saw and heard things. All of that can be chalked up to my imagination playing tricks on me....but, the birds....no imagination involved there and there were always others present. A few days after Steph died a wild bird landed on my shoulder...around midnight, as my kids and I sat under the redneck patio smoking. The bird had to fly under the roof and inbetween the back of my chair and neck to get to my right shoulder. Scared the hell out of me. Traumatized the bird. Then there was an incident with a humming bird and a couple of incidents with owls. Anyway, I believe.

I received what I call "my letter from God" the morning after I threw a tantrum, sobbing my hatred for God. I journal a lot. I used to always carry pen and paper...now, I carry my laptop. During those early months after Steph died I even carried my laptop outside with me...it became my security blanket. Fortunately I had it with me when the following interrupted my thoughts. I'm not offended if you chalk it up to my imagination, but I'm really not that smart.....maybe it will help a few...maybe not. It helped me. I forgot about it until recently, and now, quite frankly, I just don't care. I just noticed the date....three days shy of two years ago. The children had lived with us for one year. Stephanie had been gone for six months. If I were to be judged by this last week one would think I haven't grown much. Oh well. It is what it is.

*********************************************************************************************2/17/10

“People say, ‘you came into this world alone and you’ll leave this world alone’. Nothing could be further from the truth. You were not alone when you entered this earth plain. All of heaven was present and rejoiced. It is no different when you leave this earth plain.

“You have heard, you must sink or swim. Not with me. There is no sinking. I don’t leave my children comfortless and I don’t leave them without help. You never sink. I did not create you to fail. I created you to succeed, and succeed you will. What you think is sinking is not sinking. You are ignorant to my ways. You rationalize your life with a finite mind. That is not necessary. I am not a secret. I keep no secrets from my Creation. All you have to do to find out what you call secrets is to be still and listen. You must go inside yourself to find me.

I am not “out there” to be found. I am not lost. I have not made it difficult for my children to know me. Why would I? Would you hide yourself from your children? Would you unlist your number and tell your children to figure out the numbers to call you? If they get it wrong would you chastise them and cast them out? Of course not. I am easier to find than you are to your children.

I love my children! I am easy to find. I am always here! You need only look inside and I am there. I send you many signs and wonders to prove my love to you. But, you mistake them for punishment. I do not punish my children. Time out from me is inflicted by oneself. It is an illusion. You cannot leave my presence. You are part of me. I have created you out of my perfect love. I would not cast you out to find your way back to me. That is ridiculous. I have never left you. You have never left me.

You cannot understand me or my ways with your earthly thoughts. It is impossible for I am not earthly. I am spiritual. You are spiritual. You are more spiritual than you are physical. Do you not understand that. There is no child of mine who is left unattended. I am always with you. I have created angels who answer to your beckon call. You are loved!

You grieve what you do not understand. You think your daughter was YOUR daughter. She was and is always MY daughter. Your body was used as a vehicle for her spirit to enter the physical plain, but she is not yours. No more than your vehicle belongs to the road you drive on, the bridges you cross, the tunnels you enter.

She is busy doing my will, now, and you grieve because she is about a higher plan. A higher business. You grieve because you can’t see her or hear her. When you should grieve because you can’t see me or hear me and I am with you.

You are no longer a child. I’ve created you to do great things and yet you shrink back because of fear. You do not trust me to lead you. You think it will be YOU who are great. But, it is not. People will look at you and see me. That is your purpose. To show me to my children. You were created for this purpose. You were created to walk with me, not apart from me. I am not a destination to be sought or found. I am the journey. I am your strength, your joy and your life.

Apart from me you are nothing. And, you are definitely not “nothing”. Rest in the fact that I guide and direct you. Rest in the fact that I guide and direct all my children.

What you perceive as a tragedy is not a tragedy. It is me revealing me. Every moment is a moment I take advantage of to reveal myself. Always.

I am the reason. It is all me. There is no opposite of love. It is all love.

My children, each and every one of them, will discover the truth of my presence…they will discover it through fear or they will discover it through joy………..but, I will teach them of my presence.

My children shine the brightest for one another when you need each other. I am pleased when my children reach out to the other in love and compassion.

How soon my children forget to love and serve when all is well. When my children perceive all is well…all is not well in their spirit.

Be not afraid of the lessons. Embrace them. Thank me for them. And, always remember, you are never alone. Never. Never. Never.

It is the gifts you seek. Signs. You are not evil for that. It is how you recognize me. But, your joy would be lasting if you sought me, instead. It is my good pleasure to give you your hearts desire, but not if it keeps you from knowing me. I send reminders that you are not forgotten, but if you knew my true essence, you would not have to have reminders because you would know I am always with you. You would hear me, feel me, see me in all that you do.

I know every faucet of you. I know you inside and out. I have known you since the beginning. It is my desire for you to know me as well. It is my desire for all my children to know me.

I am not a prize to be won. I am your Creator. You do not have to earn your way to me. You do not have to become worthy to know me. What kind of parent would do that. Give birth to a child and then throw them out into the cold and say, I hope you find your way back to me. Let’s see if you are worthy to know me! Only a human mind would contrive such a thing.

There are no secrets. There are no tricks. There is no puzzle to put together.

Come. Rejoice WITH me. I rejoice in you. I cheer you on. I am your biggest cheerleader. I am your loudest cheerleader. I am not hidden away in some private room. I am with you through the mud and the muck as you call it. I laugh when you say you are learning to swim in quicksand with the tazmanian devil as your partner. There is no quicksand and it is comical to watch you struggle against something not there. And, what you perceive as the tazmanian devil is literally me. I rush to hold you up, but you turn away in fear and panic and almost drown yourself in your illusion of quicksand.

You cannot drown. This life is not all there is. I have not created you to fail. I have not created you to despair. But, if you choose fear instead of joy, I will not leave you. I will allow you the dignity of learning your lesson on your terms.

You called for me. I have answered. Please, let’s talk again soon! I love you!

February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day was always a very special day in our house. It was a day we used to tell each other we loved one another. We would have a special dinner and exchange cards and gifts. My husband would give the girls a special gift, candy or stuffed animal. I would give the boys something. Then we all made homemade Valentine's. While the boys were young, it would be hysterically funny sometimes as they would try to make funny cards. These were very special memories and we saved the cards over the many years. We would have a special meal along with candles and everything. We would even decorate the table with Valentine balloons and decorations. It was so much fun.

That is a glimpse of the mom I once was. Since Rachael died, we have not had our Valentine dinner. The empty place at the table was too painful. It is hard enough for holidays. I have tried pushing the empty chair at the dining room table to the side, but that is painful too. It is that elephant you'll talk about. Well, due to our kid's schedules, we are going to have our dinner tomorrow night for Valentine's. My 20 yo son is planning to help me cook. We are planning a special meal. We are all going to make our homemade cards. I do not know what we will do, as this will be more painful to navigate than the holiday dinner, as her loss will be more obvious because of the nature of the dinner. BUT, I am going to be brave and do this. My children deserve to continue to enjoy their lives and have good memories.I would like to have a Valentine to Rachael even. But I am afraid I will break down and cry. I do not want to do that to my kids. I want this to be the happy event it always was.

I know it will mean a lot to my kids.I appreciate all of you. Love,Maddy

February 14, 2012

Hey msnher,

If we believe God's Spirit talks to our spirit, why wouldn't we believe God had a lot to say in your letter from God. I really enjoyed reading it. Of course me being me, I will tell you my true feelings about its content.

Most of that letter was absolutely God speaking to us. Bits and pieces were you adding your too much pizza feelings in there. Don't we all do that. God talks to us, and we help Him with thoughts of our own. I don't believe that you have ever claimed that your letter should be added to the Bible, but I'll tell you that your letter is very comforting and beneficial to a grieving heart.

You have probably heard me say that most of my life I couldn't believe in God, so He wasn't easy for me to find. Looking around the world I see so much suffering, and most people in this world would say that God isn't easy to find when your life has known only suffering and abuse. The angel's aren't at our beckoning call, if they were there wouldn't be so much suffering in this world.

I'm not trashing your letter from God as it may seem, actually I'm amazed at how much understanding He has given you. Sometimes we don't even know how much we have been given until we sit down and start writing. Any of us could study law and learn volumes of wonderful truth that can help us when we get in trouble. However most of us/all of us will add our own thoughts to the mixture,and sometimes we get in trouble because what we think seems so good, but it didn't actually come from the law books.

You do it, I do it, we all do it, add to the things we have learned and come away with the truth we want to believe.

Please don't be offended by my comments. What I say doesn't really matter. What I felt when I read your real letter from God does. I'll tell you the truth, God spoke to me through your letter too. He has said many of those things to me before, and I know His truth doesn't change.

Happy Valentine's Day. I pray that you have a great day today.

P.S. When you say Indigo's, are you saying we are horses of different colors?

Good morning, Indigo's;
Beautiful, heartbreaking, poetry that speaks of our lives before and now.
In those early months after Stephanie died I received many signs from her. I had a very powerful dream which I know was from Stephanie. I received what I call "my letter from God". I'll repost it here. I saw and heard things. All of that can be chalked up to my imagination playing tricks on me....but, the birds....no imagination involved there and there were always others present. A few days after Steph died a wild bird landed on my shoulder...around midnight, as my kids and I sat under the redneck patio smoking. The bird had to fly under the roof and inbetween the back of my chair and neck to get to my right shoulder. Scared the hell out of me. Traumatized the bird. Then there was an incident with a humming bird and a couple of incidents with owls. Anyway, I believe.
I received what I call "my letter from God" the morning after I threw a tantrum, sobbing my hatred for God. I journal a lot. I used to always carry pen and paper...now, I carry my laptop. During those early months after Steph died I even carried my laptop outside with me...it became my security blanket. Fortunately I had it with me when the following interrupted my thoughts. I'm not offended if you chalk it up to my imagination, but I'm really not that smart.....maybe it will help a few...maybe not. It helped me. I forgot about it until recently, and now, quite frankly, I just don't care. I just noticed the date....three days shy of two years ago. The children had lived with us for one year. Stephanie had been gone for six months. If I were to be judged by this last week one would think I haven't grown much. Oh well. It is what it is.
*********************************************************************************************2/17/10
“People say, ‘you came into this world alone and you’ll leave this world alone’. Nothing could be further from the truth. You were not alone when you entered this earth plain. All of heaven was present and rejoiced. It is no different when you leave this earth plain.
“You have heard, you must sink or swim. Not with me. There is no sinking. I don’t leave my children comfortless and I don’t leave them without help. You never sink. I did not create you to fail. I created you to succeed, and succeed you will. What you think is sinking is not sinking. You are ignorant to my ways. You rationalize your life with a finite mind. That is not necessary. I am not a secret. I keep no secrets from my Creation. All you have to do to find out what you call secrets is to be still and listen. You must go inside yourself to find me.
I am not “out there” to be found. I am not lost. I have not made it difficult for my children to know me. Why would I? Would you hide yourself from your children? Would you unlist your number and tell your children to figure out the numbers to call you? If they get it wrong would you chastise them and cast them out? Of course not. I am easier to find than you are to your children.
I love my children! I am easy to find. I am always here! You need only look inside and I am there. I send you many signs and wonders to prove my love to you. But, you mistake them for punishment. I do not punish my children. Time out from me is inflicted by oneself. It is an illusion. You cannot leave my presence. You are part of me. I have created you out of my perfect love. I would not cast you out to find your way back to me. That is ridiculous. I have never left you. You have never left me.
You cannot understand me or my ways with your earthly thoughts. It is impossible for I am not earthly. I am spiritual. You are spiritual. You are more spiritual than you are physical. Do you not understand that. There is no child of mine who is left unattended. I am always with you. I have created angels who answer to your beckon call. You are loved!
You grieve what you do not understand. You think your daughter was YOUR daughter. She was and is always MY daughter. Your body was used as a vehicle for her spirit to enter the physical plain, but she is not yours. No more than your vehicle belongs to the road you drive on, the bridges you cross, the tunnels you enter.
She is busy doing my will, now, and you grieve because she is about a higher plan. A higher business. You grieve because you can’t see her or hear her. When you should grieve because you can’t see me or hear me and I am with you.
You are no longer a child. I’ve created you to do great things and yet you shrink back because of fear. You do not trust me to lead you. You think it will be YOU who are great. But, it is not. People will look at you and see me. That is your purpose. To show me to my children. You were created for this purpose. You were created to walk with me, not apart from me. I am not a destination to be sought or found. I am the journey. I am your strength, your joy and your life.
Apart from me you are nothing. And, you are definitely not “nothing”. Rest in the fact that I guide and direct you. Rest in the fact that I guide and direct all my children.
What you perceive as a tragedy is not a tragedy. It is me revealing me. Every moment is a moment I take advantage of to reveal myself. Always.
I am the reason. It is all me. There is no opposite of love. It is all love.
My children, each and every one of them, will discover the truth of my presence…they will discover it through fear or they will discover it through joy………..but, I will teach them of my presence.
My children shine the brightest for one another when you need each other. I am pleased when my children reach out to the other in love and compassion.
How soon my children forget to love and serve when all is well. When my children perceive all is well…all is not well in their spirit.
Be not afraid of the lessons. Embrace them. Thank me for them. And, always remember, you are never alone. Never. Never. Never.
It is the gifts you seek. Signs. You are not evil for that. It is how you recognize me. But, your joy would be lasting if you sought me, instead. It is my good pleasure to give you your hearts desire, but not if it keeps you from knowing me. I send reminders that you are not forgotten, but if you knew my true essence, you would not have to have reminders because you would know I am always with you. You would hear me, feel me, see me in all that you do.
I know every faucet of you. I know you inside and out. I have known you since the beginning. It is my desire for you to know me as well. It is my desire for all my children to know me.
I am not a prize to be won. I am your Creator. You do not have to earn your way to me. You do not have to become worthy to know me. What kind of parent would do that. Give birth to a child and then throw them out into the cold and say, I hope you find your way back to me. Let’s see if you are worthy to know me! Only a human mind would contrive such a thing.
There are no secrets. There are no tricks. There is no puzzle to put together.
Come. Rejoice WITH me. I rejoice in you. I cheer you on. I am your biggest cheerleader. I am your loudest cheerleader. I am not hidden away in some private room. I am with you through the mud and the muck as you call it. I laugh when you say you are learning to swim in quicksand with the tazmanian devil as your partner. There is no quicksand and it is comical to watch you struggle against something not there. And, what you perceive as the tazmanian devil is literally me. I rush to hold you up, but you turn away in fear and panic and almost drown yourself in your illusion of quicksand.
You cannot drown. This life is not all there is. I have not created you to fail. I have not created you to despair. But, if you choose fear instead of joy, I will not leave you. I will allow you the dignity of learning your lesson on your terms.
You called for me. I have answered. Please, let’s talk again soon! I love you!

February 14, 2012

Susannah,That was incredibly beautiful. I know It was God's letter to you because I have just completed reading it and the peace I feel is so comforting. So much, actually all of it, spoke to me and gave me peace and comfort. I am in awe. You said you wrote that? I am speechless.....I want to read and reread it. God has used your words to touch me, comfort me, and soothe my hurting soul. Thank you,Please share your story about the bird etc. I would love to hear. Thank you,

Maddy

February 14, 2012

Heydaddy - No offense taken, whatsoever. I take it with a grain of salt, myself. As I've said many, many times. God, himself, could come down and tell me face to face why Stephanie died and I would tell him "you're wrong." I'm not a bible believing Christian. I'm not even sure God speaks to us, personally. Hell - I'm not even sure there is a God. But, during those early months after Steph died, I was raw and open. I think it was because I was so exposed that I had all these experiences. I think it could have also been my mind playing tricks on me because I wanted...needed...answers. However, "My letter from God" brought me much comfort at the time, and it has brought comfort to others....so, even though I don't believe the words written, therein, I share it.

February 14, 2012

Sherry-Cherry pie is one of my favorites (I never actually met a pie I didn't like) All of us liked cherry, but I think apple was Westley's favorite. I got a huge frozen apple pie from a work friend Christmas of 2009, and I would usually save it (he sent one every year) for Westley's birthday. I never got it out, its still in the freezer. I just never have been able to bring myself to thaw that pie out, knowing that if he would have been here, he would have enjoyed it so much. I imagine its freezer burned now, but its still in there.

Trudi-beautiful flowers and the glass mushrooms too. I hope your teeth aren't too sore.

Maddy-I don't have any advice, but I don't think anybody there will be surprised at a few tears. Just showing them your love that you still have for Rachael and for them is what Valentine's day is all about. Hugs and good luck making it the special day that you all need.

Becky-I loved your poem. Thanks for sharing it.

Robyn-Your faith is so strong, I wish I could be stronger. I am still struggling so hard with mine.

Dee-CJ is back at work as of Sunday (worked a little to make up some time since they had a small job he and another guy could do on the weekend), but my husband said he was really dragging yesterday. I'm afraid he's not sleeping, or at least not sleeping well. I haven't seen him since the service, just talked on the phone a few times. Both my husband and I and our daughter are workaholic types, when things are going bad for us, at least we can go to work and DO something and not really forget about it, but kind of get away from our grief. I know that everyone is not that way, and of course, he is so young, younger than Westley would be, even. I don't know how to help him, but just to encourage him when I talk to him. When it first happened, I told him that I knew it was going to be so hard, but he couldn't let this break him, his sister needs him now more than ever. I hate that he is going through this at such a young age, finding out that loss is real and death is forever. He knew that before, from when Westley died, but that makes it even more unfair, you know?

I hope all have a happy Valentine's memory from before when all was right in our worlds and maybe even make a new Valentine's memory today. My heart to you all

February 14, 2012

I am so sorry for your losses of your 2 girls. I live in Orlando Fla. I hope the weather was nice for you because sometimes it is cold. Today it is freezing. God Bless you and help you thru this journey that no one wants to be on. Hugs and prayers I just lost my dad but I know my son is keeping him company . My sons loss will hurt me till the day I see him again
Robs Mom

Robs Mom, Orlando's weather was fantastic! We live in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl. We go to Orlando all the time. My Daughter Vanessa, (one of my girls that Passed away) went to college in Orlando and has a house she rented when she moved to LA for work. She worked at Universal Studios while attending school. We have many happy memories there. So, It's bitter sweet for me to visit Orlando now that she is gone. I'm sorry for your losses, it's hard to loss your Father. I've loss my Mother, her husband, my step father (whom I loved very much). Both sets of Grandparents and a very close Aunt. I understand about the loss of your son hurting till the day you die, see him again. It's been so hard living with the loss of my Daughters. Nothing can replace the love we have for our children.

February 14, 2012

Hey msnher,

I love your honesty, please know that. I'm going to share something that has allowed me to be able to believe, and if you think I eat too much pizza, I accept that too.

If there has ever been a doubting Thomas in this world, it is me, that is for sure.

An answer that I believe God allowed me to find has changed everything for me. I've shared it with other people many times, and it never seems to be accepted with the same impact that it has on my life. Perhaps I don't know how to communicate it, but I'll try.

Simple, simple, simple. As human's with free will, the ability to choose what we will or will not do, we have to learn by example, or else be turned into robots. If I had created the human race and wanted them to be able to live together without destroying each other, I would let them learn by the example of their own mistakes. As a parent I know that our children won't always listen to us, no matter how much we tell them we know. Most children will learn a lot of hard lessons because they have to experience the consequences of their mistakes for themselves. I just don't know any other way to have a multitude of created beings live together for eternity, except to teach them how they should live without destroying themselves.

God is so awesome. The idea that He loves us enough to allow all the chaos for a while, even though He hates it, helps me to believe. God has a plan, and I believe I've been given a glimpse of how good His plan is. I never have to question what has happened to Hannah. I know without a doubt that she is alive and happy. Life after the horrors of this world is looking very good to me.

Believing that nothing is taking God by surprise is so comforting. When I find myself going through awful trauma, I don't question God as to why He doesn't come to my aid. I believe He wants us to pray, but I know that most of the time He will allow us to go through our trials. He isn't always going to stop them, but if we can have faith, He will give us comfort in the storm. He will go through the storm with us.

Some people think I should have more faith than that, but I think it reveals just how great my faith is, how much I trust God.

I don't get angry at God when it doesn't feel like He is helping me. As a matter of fact I don't expect Him to deliver me from all the things that hurt me. I don't expect Him to, so I don't get angry when He doesn't. I do expect Him to help me find peace in the middle of my storms. My faith in knowing that God does have a plan, and everything is going exactly as He planned, helped me to find acceptance even when Hannah died. I hope I was able to communicate what I wanted to say. I didn't have pizza last night, so it isn't that.

Happy Valentines's day to you my friend in this journey we call life.

Heydaddy - No offense taken, whatsoever. I take it with a grain of salt, myself. As I've said many, many times. God, himself, could come down and tell me face to face why Stephanie died and I would tell him "you're wrong." I'm not a bible believing Christian. I'm not even sure God speaks to us, personally. Hell - I'm not even sure there is a God. But, during those early months after Steph died, I was raw and open. I think it was because I was so exposed that I had all these experiences. I think it could have also been my mind playing tricks on me because I wanted...needed...answers. However, "My letter from God" brought me much comfort at the time, and it has brought comfort to others....so, even though I don't believe the words written, therein, I share it.

February 14, 2012

I found another cool song. It also has clips from "what dreams may come" an interesting view of heaven.

February 14, 2012

Hey briansdad,

Being able to fly is one of those things I believe we will be able to do in God's heaven. All the universes God has created, and all that time for us to explore them. The future looks really good to me. Perhaps we should have had a celebration when Hannah graduated and was able to go the place of eternal joy. Hope is a very good thing. Reasons to have hope should be held on to very tightly.

I found another cool song. It also has clips from "what dreams may come" an interesting view of heaven.

February 14, 2012

Kinda hard the last few days. Missing my son and can't see how to get by day to day at times, let alone in the years to come. I know we all get there because we have no other choise and I WILL make it, but some days I just don't know how. The thought of not hearing from him on my birthday this week or worse not being able to call him on his next month is just getting to me. I hurt for my 4 other kids and thier dad. I want to take the pain away from them but there is no way so I do my best to just be there for them. I can't help but think how so much has been taken from me in the last few years and it hurts. When will it end? Guess I'm feeling a bit sorry for my self right now and trying to put it in perspective. I'll just keep rolling with the punches and try to get by the best I can. Rachel, Thank you so much for the message you sent last night, It meant the word to me and came at just the right time. I know things are so hard on you right now also and for you to take the time to reach out was a blessing. Vivian-Kevin's Mom

February 14, 2012

Good morning, Indigo's;
Beautiful, heartbreaking, poetry that speaks of our lives before and now.
In those early months after Stephanie died I received many signs from her. I had a very powerful dream which I know was from Stephanie. I received what I call "my letter from God". I'll repost it here. I saw and heard things. All of that can be chalked up to my imagination playing tricks on me....but, the birds....no imagination involved there and there were always others present. A few days after Steph died a wild bird landed on my shoulder...around midnight, as my kids and I sat under the redneck patio smoking. The bird had to fly under the roof and inbetween the back of my chair and neck to get to my right shoulder. Scared the hell out of me. Traumatized the bird. Then there was an incident with a humming bird and a couple of incidents with owls. Anyway, I believe.
I received what I call "my letter from God" the morning after I threw a tantrum, sobbing my hatred for God. I journal a lot. I used to always carry pen and paper...now, I carry my laptop. During those early months after Steph died I even carried my laptop outside with me...it became my security blanket. Fortunately I had it with me when the following interrupted my thoughts. I'm not offended if you chalk it up to my imagination, but I'm really not that smart.....maybe it will help a few...maybe not. It helped me. I forgot about it until recently, and now, quite frankly, I just don't care. I just noticed the date....three days shy of two years ago. The children had lived with us for one year. Stephanie had been gone for six months. If I were to be judged by this last week one would think I haven't grown much. Oh well. It is what it is.
*********************************************************************************************2/17/10
“People say, ‘you came into this world alone and you’ll leave this world alone’. Nothing could be further from the truth. You were not alone when you entered this earth plain. All of heaven was present and rejoiced. It is no different when you leave this earth plain.
“You have heard, you must sink or swim. Not with me. There is no sinking. I don’t leave my children comfortless and I don’t leave them without help. You never sink. I did not create you to fail. I created you to succeed, and succeed you will. What you think is sinking is not sinking. You are ignorant to my ways. You rationalize your life with a finite mind. That is not necessary. I am not a secret. I keep no secrets from my Creation. All you have to do to find out what you call secrets is to be still and listen. You must go inside yourself to find me.
I am not “out there” to be found. I am not lost. I have not made it difficult for my children to know me. Why would I? Would you hide yourself from your children? Would you unlist your number and tell your children to figure out the numbers to call you? If they get it wrong would you chastise them and cast them out? Of course not. I am easier to find than you are to your children.
I love my children! I am easy to find. I am always here! You need only look inside and I am there. I send you many signs and wonders to prove my love to you. But, you mistake them for punishment. I do not punish my children. Time out from me is inflicted by oneself. It is an illusion. You cannot leave my presence. You are part of me. I have created you out of my perfect love. I would not cast you out to find your way back to me. That is ridiculous. I have never left you. You have never left me.
You cannot understand me or my ways with your earthly thoughts. It is impossible for I am not earthly. I am spiritual. You are spiritual. You are more spiritual than you are physical. Do you not understand that. There is no child of mine who is left unattended. I am always with you. I have created angels who answer to your beckon call. You are loved!
You grieve what you do not understand. You think your daughter was YOUR daughter. She was and is always MY daughter. Your body was used as a vehicle for her spirit to enter the physical plain, but she is not yours. No more than your vehicle belongs to the road you drive on, the bridges you cross, the tunnels you enter.
She is busy doing my will, now, and you grieve because she is about a higher plan. A higher business. You grieve because you can’t see her or hear her. When you should grieve because you can’t see me or hear me and I am with you.
You are no longer a child. I’ve created you to do great things and yet you shrink back because of fear. You do not trust me to lead you. You think it will be YOU who are great. But, it is not. People will look at you and see me. That is your purpose. To show me to my children. You were created for this purpose. You were created to walk with me, not apart from me. I am not a destination to be sought or found. I am the journey. I am your strength, your joy and your life.
Apart from me you are nothing. And, you are definitely not “nothing”. Rest in the fact that I guide and direct you. Rest in the fact that I guide and direct all my children.
What you perceive as a tragedy is not a tragedy. It is me revealing me. Every moment is a moment I take advantage of to reveal myself. Always.
I am the reason. It is all me. There is no opposite of love. It is all love.
My children, each and every one of them, will discover the truth of my presence…they will discover it through fear or they will discover it through joy………..but, I will teach them of my presence.
My children shine the brightest for one another when you need each other. I am pleased when my children reach out to the other in love and compassion.
How soon my children forget to love and serve when all is well. When my children perceive all is well…all is not well in their spirit.
Be not afraid of the lessons. Embrace them. Thank me for them. And, always remember, you are never alone. Never. Never. Never.
It is the gifts you seek. Signs. You are not evil for that. It is how you recognize me. But, your joy would be lasting if you sought me, instead. It is my good pleasure to give you your hearts desire, but not if it keeps you from knowing me. I send reminders that you are not forgotten, but if you knew my true essence, you would not have to have reminders because you would know I am always with you. You would hear me, feel me, see me in all that you do.
I know every faucet of you. I know you inside and out. I have known you since the beginning. It is my desire for you to know me as well. It is my desire for all my children to know me.
I am not a prize to be won. I am your Creator. You do not have to earn your way to me. You do not have to become worthy to know me. What kind of parent would do that. Give birth to a child and then throw them out into the cold and say, I hope you find your way back to me. Let’s see if you are worthy to know me! Only a human mind would contrive such a thing.
There are no secrets. There are no tricks. There is no puzzle to put together.
Come. Rejoice WITH me. I rejoice in you. I cheer you on. I am your biggest cheerleader. I am your loudest cheerleader. I am not hidden away in some private room. I am with you through the mud and the muck as you call it. I laugh when you say you are learning to swim in quicksand with the tazmanian devil as your partner. There is no quicksand and it is comical to watch you struggle against something not there. And, what you perceive as the tazmanian devil is literally me. I rush to hold you up, but you turn away in fear and panic and almost drown yourself in your illusion of quicksand.
You cannot drown. This life is not all there is. I have not created you to fail. I have not created you to despair. But, if you choose fear instead of joy, I will not leave you. I will allow you the dignity of learning your lesson on your terms.
You called for me. I have answered. Please, let’s talk again soon! I love you!

Susannah,

Thank you so much for this- it is beautiful!

Robyn

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Loss of an Adult Child

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